All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E01

I turned 12 in the summer of 1972...

an awesome time to be a kid.

It was the Wild West.

Bike helmets hadn't been
invented yet or car seatbelts

or even normal adult supervision.

Dads weren't around as
much as they are now.

Mine was too busy with his job
at a big defense contractor,

keeping our neighborhood safe
from North Vietnamese invasion.

And my mom was busy running the house.

She had a lot on her plate.

Did I mention we were Catholics?

There were eight of us kids, all boys.

That was a lot of
testosterone for one house,

and it was about to become even more.

I just said that one of them

would have to give up
their bed to Lawrence

- for the summer.
- Knock it off.

You are not gonna ruin
your brother's homecoming.

My dad was so excited because
my oldest brother, Lawrence,

filled an obligation all
big Catholic families felt...

sending a son to the seminary.

Having a future priest

was a big source of
status for our family,

putting us way ahead of the Harrigans.

12 kids, and all they
came up with was a nun.

But having Lawrence back from college

made me, the needy middle child,

feel more forgotten than ever.

This is my body,

which will be given up for you.

That was the day I famously
decided to upstage God.

What the hell is wrong with that kid?

You made a spectacle
of yourself in there.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

My family just couldn't appreciate

my lively sense of showmanship.

Clearly, I would need to look

- for a wider, more sophisticated audience.
- _

_

Yes.

Yes, I do.

♪ I am I, Don Quixote ♪

♪ The Lord of La Mancha ♪

♪ My destiny calls, and I go ♪

How's college going anyway, college man?

- Uh, it's...
- There's food!

School's okay. I took a
math class last semester.

They teach math there, too?

Hey. You're embarrassing yourself.

St. Joe's is a
fully-accredited university.

You get into Pythagoras' theorem yet?

It's a hell of a theorem, Pythagoras'.

Yeah. I'm a fan.

Bless us, O Lord, and
these, Thy gifts...

Which we are about to receive

from Thy bounty through
Christ our Lord. Amen.

- Careful.
- This ketchup tastes funny.

It's only different because Mom made it,

and then she put it
in the regular bottle.

- Mom made the ketchup?
- What, His Majesty's so fancy now

he can only eat store-bought ketchup?

Lawrence, I want to pick your brain

about how young people
see our president.

I find it informative
hearing all points of view.

Nixon's in the pocket of big business.

Nobody asked you, fathead.

Joey, make room for your brother.

Hey, I wasn't done with my pork chop.

Eat it over the sink.

I mean, is Nixon even on the level?

I mean, what about
that Watergate break-in?

No, no. Nixon had
nothing to do with that.

You know what I call Watergate?

That's phony news.

Would you tell him to cut that racket?

Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

- I'm not upset.
- You seem pretty upset.

- You want to stay out of this?
- You know what?

I actually, uh, promised I'd
drop in and see my friend AJ,

and I promised to go right now,

so I'm gonna go get changed.

♪ The Lord of La Mancha ♪

♪ A name... ♪

Hey. Mom, I have to learn these songs.

Why, so you can scare away bats?

No one wants to hear you caterwauling.

- What is this?
- N... nothing.

Just having fun.

Well, stop that.

What are you really doing?

Okay, I'll tell you, but it's a secret.

I'm auditioning for a very prestigious

children's theater in Hollywood.

- Mom!
- No!

Why can't I?

'Cause nobody's driving
you to Hollyweird

- to be in some ridiculous show.
- I could take a bus

- or hitchhike.
- You know I don't approve that,

wasting good money on buses.

Look at me. I'm Timmy. I'm special.

Yeah, no, sorry. We do not have
the wherewithal in this family

for any of you kids to be special.

And thank goodness you mostly
turned out uninteresting,

like Frank here.

Hey. Here's a summer
project... foreign missions.

Poor pagan babies are starving to death,

and the church needs money to save them

by baptizing them before they die.

Something's yours around here,

you really got to hold onto it, okay?

Mommy, my lungs hurt. I have asthma.

No, you don't. We can't afford asthma.

That's just smog. Go
back outside and play.

- Going to bingo tonight with Dad.
- Ooh, he's got you

wearing your collar
like his prize poodle.

Hey, I don't mind you
being the favorite.

It's less pressure on the
rest of us not to suck.

Ah, well, I might be stepping
off the pedestal soon.

I'm not just home for the summer.

I'm thinking about not going
back to the seminary at all, man.

Mike and Peggy won't like that.

Well, it's my decision, my life.

You think so? Seriously?

I'm the next in line, so if
you don't join the priesthood,

they'll definitely make me.

When Notre Dame beat Michigan State,

Dad promised God one priest.

- Just tell 'em "no."
- I'm not you.

I don't get to grow my hair
and argue politics with Dad.

Don't do this.

I've got a girlfriend now,

a secret girlfriend,
and she's really cool,

but not so cool that she'll
keep making out with me

once I'm Father Eddie.

Just tell 'em the truth.
They can handle it.

No way! Mom would wig out.

Mom must never know.

Then you shouldn't talk so loudly

- right next to the bathroom.
- You didn't hear a thing.

Mm, I'll have to sleep on that,

tonight, in my own bed.

You'll like it where
I've been sleeping...

under the dining room table.

You can still smell where the dog died.

Narc!

Aaaaah!

Excuse me, Mama.

You should probably know
that Frank and Edd...

Eddie's killing Frank!

Ow!

As ignored as I was generally,

I was absolutely invisible

whenever my brothers were fighting,

so, really, most of the time.

There's... cat... poop... in... here.

Ugh!

Hi, I was interested in
auditioning for your show.

As the star...

or some other very large role?

Performing experience?

Well, uh, nothing you'd have seen.

I... Oh! I sing the
Oscar Meyer Wiener song

whenever relatives come over.

It's very good.

I'll explain.

- I heard the whole thing.
- No, stop.

I should be the one to tell them.

Mom, Dad, um...

... I'm thinking about
leaving the seminary,

- not becoming a priest.
- What?!

- What?
- What?

I'm sorry. I didn't
hear the priest part.

All I heard about was
Eddie's secret girlfriend.

I know this feels like
a big deal right now...

Eddie has a secret girlfriend?

How long has this been going on?

I've been weighing the
decision for a while now.

I was talking about Eddie's girlfriend.
I'd like to meet this person.

I seriously hate you.

I already knew you were up to something.

Remember, I do your laundry.

What are you planning
on studying instead?

- Me, for starters.
- "Me."

And not in any classroom, but out
experiencing the world, you know?

M... maybe I'll backpack across Europe.

I backpacked across
Europe when I was your age,

- except there were Germans shooting at me.
- You were actually younger,

and you forged Grandpa's
signature to enlist

because you believed
in what you were doing.

Hey, you want to kill Germans?

I'll sign the papers right now.

Lawrence isn't killing any Germans!

He's gonna be a priest! Or somebody is.

If not him, Eddie for sure.

Right now, you need to get down to
that church and help Father Dunne.

The man has diabetes!

You're right. I made a commitment,

a word that you might want to look up

in that new collegiate dictionary

that we had to buy you for 22 bucks

because our old dictionary
didn't contain hip new lingo

like "Congressperson" and "gorp."

I will see you...

at bingo.

And get a haircut!

It was that easy.

One phone call,

and I found my first
paying show-business job...

"paying" meaning I had to pay.

I had more money than this.

You had 9 bucks, an Abba-Zaba,

and a picture...

of Laurie Partridge.

What happened to my money, Joey?

I saw Jethro Tull at
The Forum on Saturday.

That man don't blow his flute for free.

I have an audition tomorrow!

It costs 40 bucks!

Take a chill pill.

Hang on.

Let's reconvene where
there's a modicum of privacy.

10 minutes, in my office.

Bring ice.

I've given some thought
to your money problem.

My problem is you stealing my money.

You're really going
to have to let that go.

My suggestion is take
your little mission box

up to the rich, douchebag neighborhood

and ring a few douchebag doors.

With your big brown
eyes and big round head,

you'll clear 40 bucks in an hour.

That money's for the pagan babies.

Rich people don't care.

They get off on giving their dough away.

They just want to feel
good about themselves

and get you the hell off their porch.

A normal family, I could
just ask Mom or Dad,

but Dad's too cheap.

If he could, Dad would enjoy
tossing his dough around,

taking us all out to a
Ponderosa Steakhouse, say,

or Sizzler.

But that Great Depression thing

always kicks in, and, instead,

we come home to the
taste of fried bologna

and sadness.

Okay, blow. I got things to do.

Dad let Joey build a tree house

because he liked that Joey
wanted to use his hands.

He had no idea how much.

Look... No more holes.

And so groovy.

You'd be right at home at a love-in.

Hey, that's the style these days.

Trust me... ratty
dungarees with patches.

Well, you certainly get it.

Mom, this is my girlfriend, Wendi.

Girlfriend.

Eddie has a girlfriend.

- How come?
- I'm sorry?

Oh, no need to be sorry.

Look, I love Eddie.
Well, I love all my boys.

I have to. But how on earth
would Eddie get a girlfriend?

Lots of kids our age are going together.

Yeah, but not with Eddie.

How long have you two known each other?

- A... around four months.
- Ah, see, that explains it.

I always say it takes
four and a half months

before you really see
the flaws in a person.

Now you can move on to some other boy,

and I just saved you two weeks.

I think you are amazing, Mrs. Cleary.

Running this home is a
huge managerial achievement.

Modern women look up to
Indira Gandhi and Golda Meir,

but those who choose a domestic career

are no less viable a role model.

I mean, that's just
silly. I'm no role model.

Though, I would like to see
Golda handle all my housework

and still make franks
and beans for Mister Meir.

You're so slim, Wendi.

I'm gonna make you a shift.

I have this Dacron
fabric. It is so colorful.

It's like an LSD acid trip.

- I wouldn't know.
- Correct answer.

Come with me. Let's
take your measurements.

Good night.

Thank you so much, ma'am, on
behalf of the foreign missions.

So, listen,

there's another good cause I wondered

if you might give to. Um...

I've always had this dream of
singing and dancing in shows.

I-17.

I-17.

As in what you never
want to hear the girl say.

"I 17."

Good luck to you.

You came.

I'm glad.

Oh, I've spotted Lawrence Cleary,

our handsome seminarian.

Mike, could you have
your son call some numbers

and give this old voice a rest?

Back off, girls. That
part of his life is over.

Okay.

G-50.

As in, "Gee, where have
the last 50 years gone?"

Well, I'll tell you where they went.

Me calling bingo numbers. Whoo!

I-20. That would be I-20.

I-20.

As in I am 20,

which means I'm an adult.

But am I really an adult
if I can't even stand up

for who I am and what I want to be?

Dad, I'm sorry. I don't
want to be a priest,

and I'm dropping out of the seminary.

Bingo!

He's quitting, and he said it
in front of the whole bingo.

There is no putting the
toothpaste back in the tube.

Don't be silly.

I've been refilling that
same Pepsodent for years.

I don't get it.

Priesthood was always his idea

since he was little, not mine.

Remember his 10th birthday

where all he asked for was a chalice?

How'd you leave things with him?

Ah, he's staying with his friend AJ.

- And where does he live?
- Don't know. Don't care.

In Burbank, across from Shafer Field.

Thanks. Okay.

After work, you go make
things right with him.

You're telling me what to do now?

I am, when you're being dumb.

Mike, I know I'm not
up on current events

like Nixon a... a... and Pythagoras,

but I am smart when it comes
to this house and these kids.

Some might even say I'm a role model.

- Who might say that?
- Some!

There's a whole generation
gap happening out there,

which I know more about 'cause
I watch "Sonny and Cher,"

but I will not have any gaps
in my house with my boys.

The truth is, I never really cared

about Lawrence being a priest.

I don't care what any of my kids do,

- as long as...
- I know, "as long as they're happy."

Oh, I don't even care
about them being happy.

I just want them around.

They'll scatter to the
four winds soon enough.

I won't have you pushing
one of them out the door.

I'll take it under advisement.

I might go for a drive
after work tonight.

Clear my head.

No particular destination.

- Across from Shafer Field.
- Shut up.

I'm off to save more souls.

You're not going anywhere...

without your mission box.

Nice work. There's a lot of money there.

Now, I know this wasn't
the summer you pictured,

but you did well, and honestly, Timmy,

if you had any talent at all,
I think I would've noticed.

Thanks, Mom. I should go.

Hey, bring William with you, okay?

You haven't ventured outside in days.

You're gonna get rickets.

Mommy?

Will I get rickets, too?

Oh, Pat...

maybe.

Lawrence, I think it's your dad.

I guess there's no
pretending you're AJ's mom.

Mom, Timmy's not out

collecting for the foreign missions.

He's auditioning for the
stupid show you told him not to.

That kid is a mental case.

And, Frank,

about you being such
a big tattle-tale...

Thank you. Eddie, watch
the baby! Frank, keys.

William.

Am I a good singer?

No, but confidence helps.

You really seem to have a lot of it.

God only knows why.

And with one tug of a
disarmingly sticky door handle,

I took my first step into show business.

What are we doing out here?

You know a lot of people saw me
get in the car with you, right?

You quit the seminary over a girl?

No. AJ's a recent development.

I don't even know what's
going on there, to be honest.

Oh, don't worry. She'll
figure it out and tell you.

You know, this isn't
about celibacy, Dad.

There are big changes
right now, and I want

- to be a part of them.
- Hey, trust me, I know about the changes, okay?

Your mother watches "Sonny and Cher."

Look, you've been jerking our chain

about this priest thing
for years, all right?

And maybe...

I got excited

because it's respectable.

It's certainly a step
up for the Clearys.

My dad worked his whole
life in a coal mine.

That man never had two...

Whoa. Whoa!

There she is... the LGM Minuteman III.

Wait, it's going to the moon?

Yeah, we're sending a nuclear
warhead to blow up the moon.

We're fed up with tides
and women's periods.

It's a test.

She'll ditch in the
ocean 800 miles that way,

maybe take out a few sea otters.

You know, for something so dreadful,

which I abhor on principle,

it's pretty cool.

Did you build it?

Son, I am a machinist.

Engineers, the scientists,

they figure out what they need.

I grind a few pieces on a lathe...

grommets, some sheeting.

They're down there right now,

my bosses, the big brains that
took us to the moon, and...

they own the future.

I'm just a guy holding their coats...

because I didn't go to college.

Look, if you are

determined to quit the seminary...

... might I suggest some
version of a college degree?

My father, Michael Lawrence Cleary,

he scratched at the earth for a living.

I want my sons reaching for the stars.

You know...

... there's a tiny fixed
nozzle with the TVC system

on the third-stage
booster when it separates.

It's just a few centimeters.

It has to hold up against 400,000 PSI.

There you go.

I made that nozzle.

Screw it.

Let's get some waffles.

Our revels now are ended.

These are our actors.

The solemn temple,
the great Globe itself,

yea, all which it inherits...

Maybe you can get your 40 bucks back.

Oh, those sneakers
look like Eddie's size.

We should come back later with a ladder.

Okay. Next up is...

Timmy Cleary.

Do you have sheet music?

Never mind. Just, uh...

You'll be fine.

♪ Sing ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Sing out loud ♪

♪ Sing out strong ♪

♪ Sing of good things

♪ Not bad ♪

♪ Sing of happy ♪

♪ Not sad ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Make it simple ♪

♪ To last your whole life long ♪

♪ Don't worry that
it's not good enough ♪

♪ For anyone else to hear ♪

♪ Just sing ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Sing ♪

♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Let the world ♪

♪ Sing along ♪

Okay, we should go.

But... But what about Timmy disobeying?

- What about him wasting 40...
- He's excellent.

♪ Sing for you and ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Sing ♪

People remember the 1970s
as a tense and divisive time

with war and Watergate

and the generations
pulling against each other,

but I think back on
my ridiculous family,

and it gives me hope for today

that tense times are something
we just have to go through

once in a while to
come out the other side

a changed, more accepting world.

♪ Sing a song! ♪

Time to try on your pantaloons, milord.

It's stupid going to all this trouble.

- He's the understudy.
- An excellent understudy.

You heard him sing. He's
practically an Osmond.

- I'm a heartbeat away from the star.
- And anything could happen.

That boy could get sick or he could fall

and break a leg on the way to rehearsal.

And if no one else was around,

who's to say if he fell or got pushed.

- Right, Joey?
- Kid sounds like a klutz to me.

You'll need to point him out.

♪ I am I, Don Quixote ♪

♪ The Lord of La Mancha ♪

♪ A name all the world soon will... ♪

SubScene: Smurf