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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,817 --> 00:00:03,419 [jazz music] 2 00:00:21,341 --> 00:00:26,341 Subtitles by explosiveskull 3 00:00:26,343 --> 00:00:29,413 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 4 00:00:29,745 --> 00:00:31,511 [laughs] 5 00:00:31,513 --> 00:00:33,481 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 6 00:00:33,483 --> 00:00:34,548 my name is Simon. 7 00:00:34,550 --> 00:00:35,783 My name's Simon. 8 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:36,788 My name's Simon. 9 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:39,622 Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati? 10 00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,825 Hey Tex, where you from? Cincinnati? 11 00:00:42,426 --> 00:00:44,626 How did the punk rocker cross the street? 12 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,530 He stapled a chicken to his head. 13 00:00:46,764 --> 00:00:47,829 Hey, doc. 14 00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,897 I got this problem, nobody pays attention to me. 15 00:00:49,899 --> 00:00:51,502 Next, please. 16 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,302 Hey, doc. I got this problem, 17 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,774 I can't make friends, you big fat fucking slob. 18 00:00:57,041 --> 00:00:58,306 Hey! 19 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,677 Grasshopper walks into a bar. 20 00:01:00,845 --> 00:01:02,578 Bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, 21 00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:04,513 "Hey, you know we got a drink named after you?" 22 00:01:04,515 --> 00:01:05,714 Grasshopper says, 23 00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,552 "You got a drink named Herman? Ho!" 24 00:01:09,454 --> 00:01:11,490 Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati? 25 00:01:14,326 --> 00:01:17,527 So I walk into this bar, and go to the bartender and say, 26 00:01:17,529 --> 00:01:19,899 "Hey, you wanna hear a good Polish joke?" 27 00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:23,501 He goes... "I'm Polish. 28 00:01:23,901 --> 00:01:25,538 You see that guy with the big neck? 29 00:01:26,004 --> 00:01:29,242 He's fucking Polish. Still wanna tell that joke?" 30 00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:31,775 I said, "No." He goes, "Why, you're scared?" 31 00:01:31,777 --> 00:01:33,710 "No." "Then why don't you want to tell the joke?" 32 00:01:33,712 --> 00:01:35,681 "I don't want to explain it twice." 33 00:01:37,083 --> 00:01:38,082 - [clink] - [Sal] Cheers. 34 00:01:38,084 --> 00:01:39,486 [Freddy] Salud. 35 00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:45,726 Whoa. [chuckles] 36 00:01:46,059 --> 00:01:48,796 I get a message. "Sally wants to talk to you. 37 00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:50,662 Do you have time?" 38 00:01:50,664 --> 00:01:52,531 Do I have time? Come on, I always have time for you. 39 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:54,098 I need you to do me a little favor, 40 00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,335 it's about Simon. 41 00:01:55,703 --> 00:01:57,438 It's a big night tonight. 42 00:01:57,704 --> 00:02:00,639 I'd love for you to give Simon a chance. 43 00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,543 Just this once. It's a big deal. 44 00:02:04,545 --> 00:02:05,612 [sighs] Sal. 45 00:02:05,846 --> 00:02:08,012 - Simon, the joke thief? - I know, I know. 46 00:02:08,014 --> 00:02:09,715 Well, you know... 47 00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:11,716 There's people here who don't exactly love him, you know? 48 00:02:11,718 --> 00:02:13,885 I care about the guy, he's a good guy. 49 00:02:13,887 --> 00:02:15,822 But you're asking a lot. 50 00:02:15,824 --> 00:02:17,055 He tells a good joke. 51 00:02:17,057 --> 00:02:18,623 When he tells them, they're funny. 52 00:02:18,625 --> 00:02:19,792 He's funny. 53 00:02:19,794 --> 00:02:21,026 He's a little funny worm, isn't he? 54 00:02:21,028 --> 00:02:23,631 Yeah, and he steals from the best. 55 00:02:24,966 --> 00:02:26,735 You want me to do a favor for him? 56 00:02:27,034 --> 00:02:29,337 Or you want me to do a favor for you? 57 00:02:29,636 --> 00:02:31,069 It's the same thing. Look, I want... 58 00:02:31,071 --> 00:02:33,438 - Uh, uh, uh! - It's the same thing. 59 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,740 I mean, I want him to be able 60 00:02:34,742 --> 00:02:36,075 to prove to himself that he can do it. 61 00:02:36,077 --> 00:02:38,145 This is national. This is going national! 62 00:02:38,147 --> 00:02:40,884 For me, is this a favor for you? 63 00:02:41,517 --> 00:02:42,782 Yeah. It's a favor for me. 64 00:02:42,784 --> 00:02:44,151 Then it's done. Why do you even ask? 65 00:02:44,153 --> 00:02:46,620 You know, for you, I would do anything. 66 00:02:46,622 --> 00:02:48,757 - Put him on. - I love you, man. 67 00:02:56,832 --> 00:02:58,535 [ringing] 68 00:02:59,568 --> 00:03:00,838 [ringing] 69 00:03:02,539 --> 00:03:03,637 Yeah? 70 00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:05,041 [Seb] Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb. 71 00:03:05,441 --> 00:03:07,141 Uh... You want something to eat? 72 00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,379 [Simon] What do you mean? 73 00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,512 What are you, Jenny Craig, you wanna feed me? 74 00:03:11,514 --> 00:03:12,946 [laughs] No, no! 75 00:03:12,948 --> 00:03:14,815 I got a really big room service order 76 00:03:14,817 --> 00:03:16,850 with a really fine, exquisite bottle of wine 77 00:03:16,852 --> 00:03:18,486 going up, you want it? 78 00:03:18,488 --> 00:03:20,053 Yeah, I appreciate it. Yeah, I'll look after you. 79 00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:21,855 You don't have to pay for anything. 80 00:03:21,857 --> 00:03:24,628 Just look in the peephole and it'll be covered. 81 00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:27,062 Okay. Thanks. 82 00:03:27,064 --> 00:03:29,668 [Seb] No problem. Bon appetit, enjoy yourself. 83 00:03:29,866 --> 00:03:30,802 Yep. 84 00:03:33,070 --> 00:03:36,674 Fucking guy! Jenny Craig of all people. 85 00:03:41,211 --> 00:03:43,114 [phone ringing] 86 00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,656 - Yes? - Come on down, I need you here. 87 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,088 I'm right here. 88 00:03:52,090 --> 00:03:53,557 Put the tray down, get down here. 89 00:03:53,559 --> 00:03:55,093 I need you right now, okay? 90 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:56,728 Okay. 91 00:03:57,162 --> 00:03:58,664 Kiss my ass. 92 00:04:00,998 --> 00:04:01,934 Another one. 93 00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:07,974 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 94 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:12,579 ♪ Please notice me ♪ 95 00:04:12,846 --> 00:04:16,983 ♪ And maybe There's something I can be ♪ 96 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,788 ♪ The night is ticking by So fast ♪ 97 00:04:22,521 --> 00:04:26,627 ♪ I don't think my courage Is gonna last ♪ 98 00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:31,164 ♪ You don't know If I'm dead or alive... ♪ 99 00:04:31,865 --> 00:04:33,199 [William] Amy, honey. 100 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,067 Is my brother in yet? 101 00:04:35,735 --> 00:04:37,872 [Amy] It's a little early for your brother. 102 00:04:38,205 --> 00:04:39,671 You know, I love him, 103 00:04:39,673 --> 00:04:41,576 but you're way too soft on your brother. 104 00:04:41,875 --> 00:04:44,813 If I'm gonna be soft on someone, it's gonna be my brother. 105 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,682 He's the only brother I got. 106 00:04:48,515 --> 00:04:49,484 And I love him. 107 00:04:49,816 --> 00:04:51,051 [Amy sighs] 108 00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,490 [funky jazz] ♪ Keep my head up ♪ 109 00:04:55,755 --> 00:04:59,126 ♪ Please notice me... ♪ 110 00:04:59,693 --> 00:05:01,030 [phone ringing] 111 00:05:03,665 --> 00:05:05,031 Sí? I mean, yes? 112 00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,899 You know, on second thought, don't bother. 113 00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,169 It's taken care of. 114 00:05:09,037 --> 00:05:10,638 You don't need me anymore? 115 00:05:11,305 --> 00:05:12,207 Okay. 116 00:05:14,643 --> 00:05:16,742 ♪ Please notice me... ♪ 117 00:05:16,744 --> 00:05:17,745 Nice. 118 00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:22,584 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 119 00:05:22,850 --> 00:05:25,120 Where's everything? 120 00:05:25,921 --> 00:05:27,890 - [phone ringing] - [sighs] 121 00:05:29,325 --> 00:05:30,058 Hello? 122 00:05:30,993 --> 00:05:32,560 - Simon, is that you? - [applause] 123 00:05:32,562 --> 00:05:33,794 Yeah. 124 00:05:33,796 --> 00:05:35,162 I'm here at The Basement Comedy Club. 125 00:05:35,164 --> 00:05:37,330 - Yeah? - And then they... 126 00:05:37,332 --> 00:05:40,200 They're going national tonight. They want you to do a set. 127 00:05:40,202 --> 00:05:41,137 Tonight? 128 00:05:42,837 --> 00:05:45,007 I just made myself something nice to eat. 129 00:05:46,175 --> 00:05:48,042 - What are they paying? - Two hundred. 130 00:05:48,044 --> 00:05:50,213 - [cheers and applause] - Two hundred bucks? 131 00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:52,146 Did I not say two hundred? 132 00:05:52,148 --> 00:05:54,886 - And how long is this set? - Five minutes... 133 00:05:55,785 --> 00:05:56,821 What am I gonna wear? 134 00:05:57,087 --> 00:05:58,819 You know what you're gonna wear. 135 00:05:58,821 --> 00:06:00,891 - [laughter] - Wear what you always wear. 136 00:06:07,797 --> 00:06:11,032 ♪ I feel so tangled in my soul ♪ 137 00:06:11,034 --> 00:06:12,767 - [Brian] Hey. - Dad, you wanted me? 138 00:06:12,769 --> 00:06:14,139 [Brian] Come on, sit down. 139 00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,707 Listen, I want to talk to you. 140 00:06:17,709 --> 00:06:18,911 What did I do now? 141 00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:21,844 You did nothing. 142 00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:23,315 You know you're a great salesman. 143 00:06:23,747 --> 00:06:25,113 Customers love you. 144 00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:26,716 I get a lot of reports, a lot of feedback. 145 00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:28,017 I get lots of feedback. 146 00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:30,051 Your brother, he's a good administrator. 147 00:06:30,053 --> 00:06:32,690 But you, you could sell anything. 148 00:06:33,156 --> 00:06:36,962 Proverbial refrigerator to an Eskimo. 149 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:41,734 Dad! 150 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,135 Dad! 151 00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:47,069 I just sold my first car 152 00:06:47,071 --> 00:06:48,874 and I totally grossed the piss out of this idiot. 153 00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:50,674 Yes, he did. 154 00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,312 [laughs] 155 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,786 I just got to say, you know, everything's got a shelf life. 156 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,886 Including me. 157 00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,257 But I've still got a lot of kick left. 158 00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:06,257 But, you know, I'm moving towards retirement. 159 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,362 I want to spend more time with your mother. 160 00:07:09,728 --> 00:07:11,898 And this business, it belongs to both of you. 161 00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:16,136 And I want you boys to take care of the business. 162 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,606 I want you to keep selling cars, 163 00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:21,372 I want your brother to be the administrator 164 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:22,507 because he's good at that. 165 00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,409 - So he'll be my boss? - You're good at selling cars. 166 00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,647 - He's not going to be your boss. - [William] Simon. 167 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,782 I will never be your boss. 168 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,251 But I'll always be your brother. 169 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,120 Simon, 170 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,123 we know what you want. 171 00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,692 We know you want to be a comedian. 172 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,661 And you're talented. You're funny. 173 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,731 And I don't want to stand in your way of that. 174 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,330 But you always have to have a fallback plan. 175 00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:49,334 A contingency plan, in case things don't work out. 176 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,470 And this is it. 177 00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,338 You can always come back and sell a car. 178 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,473 This business will always be yours. 179 00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,244 It'll be yours... 180 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:57,879 and yours. 181 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,345 But he will be running it. 182 00:07:59,347 --> 00:08:02,348 He'll run it, and you'll sell cars. 183 00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:03,953 Dad, you know I love you. 184 00:08:04,319 --> 00:08:06,386 It's your business, you do what you want. 185 00:08:06,388 --> 00:08:07,821 You built this 186 00:08:07,823 --> 00:08:09,221 and I don't want to talk anymore, okay? 187 00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:11,324 - I gotta go. - Simon! 188 00:08:11,326 --> 00:08:12,228 Bro! 189 00:08:15,731 --> 00:08:17,166 Dad, let me go talk to him. 190 00:08:17,733 --> 00:08:19,235 No. No, no. 191 00:08:20,435 --> 00:08:22,969 No, this is not a brother to brother thing, 192 00:08:22,971 --> 00:08:25,709 this is a... father to son thing. 193 00:08:26,041 --> 00:08:27,344 I'm going to talk to him. 194 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,280 [smooth jazz] 195 00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:40,023 [Brian] Got a minute? 196 00:08:42,091 --> 00:08:44,092 - You taking my office now? - [Brian laughs] 197 00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:46,828 Simon! Nobody is going to take your office. 198 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:47,963 Can I sit down? 199 00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,231 - It's your place. - [laughs] 200 00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:51,169 You can sit anywhere you want, dad. 201 00:08:52,335 --> 00:08:54,938 I'm going to clear something up right away. 202 00:08:55,873 --> 00:08:58,008 This is our place. 203 00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:01,112 Simon... [sighs] 204 00:09:01,779 --> 00:09:04,249 I know what we talked about in there hurt your feelings. 205 00:09:04,982 --> 00:09:06,382 But listen, son. 206 00:09:06,384 --> 00:09:08,854 You guys don't have any faith or trust in me. 207 00:09:09,821 --> 00:09:11,423 I trust you implicitly. 208 00:09:13,091 --> 00:09:14,456 But somebody has to be the driver, 209 00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:17,161 and you've always loved being the passenger. 210 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:18,996 And that's what you are. 211 00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:21,196 He's going to drive the business. 212 00:09:21,198 --> 00:09:22,467 You're the passenger. 213 00:09:23,568 --> 00:09:25,335 You're going to sell cars, 214 00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:29,476 and I believe you're going to be successful in your dream. 215 00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,044 And that's what I want. 216 00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:33,913 But right now... 217 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,915 I want to give you something. 218 00:09:37,183 --> 00:09:38,282 It's so important. 219 00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:40,019 Is that my consolation prize? 220 00:09:40,419 --> 00:09:41,386 This... 221 00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:44,090 This is a vest 222 00:09:44,823 --> 00:09:46,258 that my father gave me. 223 00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,396 And his father gave him. 224 00:09:50,096 --> 00:09:51,365 It's been handed down 225 00:09:52,232 --> 00:09:53,932 and I think it's a lucky vest. 226 00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:56,136 I can't wear it anymore, you know? But... 227 00:09:57,036 --> 00:09:58,071 I want you to have it. 228 00:09:59,106 --> 00:10:01,475 It's going to be a lucky vest for you, Simon. 229 00:10:03,376 --> 00:10:04,345 It's special. 230 00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,313 This is the legacy. 231 00:10:07,314 --> 00:10:09,349 And when I'm not around anymore... 232 00:10:11,318 --> 00:10:13,889 You're going to think of me when you wear this, 233 00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:18,160 and it's going to bring you a lot of luck. 234 00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:22,195 It's yours, Simon. I love you. 235 00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,168 Love you, son. 236 00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:34,108 They're offering you two hundred fucking dollars. 237 00:10:35,476 --> 00:10:36,478 Okay. 238 00:10:38,913 --> 00:10:40,179 I'll be there. 239 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,317 Now! Like now, like five minutes ago. 240 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,184 Okay. 241 00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:45,551 - Okay? Don't be late. - [cheers] 242 00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:48,088 Hey, no, no. Hey, listen. Don't be late. 243 00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:49,622 [uptempo jazz] 244 00:10:49,624 --> 00:10:53,162 ♪ I know that you're Out of my league ♪ 245 00:10:54,128 --> 00:10:57,465 ♪ I just want you to notice me ♪ 246 00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,368 ♪ I've got no cash ♪ 247 00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,471 - ♪ Or fancy car ♪ - [phone ringing] 248 00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:05,274 - What the fuck? - [phone ringing] 249 00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:08,676 Hello? 250 00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,377 - Simon. - Hey, William. 251 00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:13,015 Hey, are you coming in today, bro? 252 00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,518 I'm sorry. No, I'm not coming in. 253 00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:19,252 Got a big break tonight. I'm going to The Comedy Basement 254 00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,259 to do a set, and it's going to be televised. 255 00:11:23,226 --> 00:11:25,863 Wow, congratulations! That's good news. 256 00:11:26,297 --> 00:11:27,632 Thank you, I appreciate it. 257 00:11:28,097 --> 00:11:29,299 Can I get a car? 258 00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:31,301 Simon, you know I can't do that. 259 00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:32,870 [clicks tongue] 260 00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:35,202 What the fuck, man? We own a dealership 261 00:11:35,204 --> 00:11:36,672 and you won't give me a car? 262 00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,974 Every time we give you a company car, you sell it. 263 00:11:38,976 --> 00:11:40,311 I'll get you a ride. Uber. 264 00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:43,146 Come on, man. I don't want to go in an Uber. 265 00:11:44,178 --> 00:11:45,883 They all fucking smell like curry. 266 00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:49,154 Simon, not every Uber driver is from India. 267 00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:53,389 There are all kinds of guys: Irish, Italian, Chinese guys! 268 00:11:53,391 --> 00:11:54,624 [huffing] 269 00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,362 Come on, please. 270 00:11:57,295 --> 00:11:58,660 Tell me when you need the car, 271 00:11:58,662 --> 00:12:00,231 and I'll get it over there. 272 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:01,432 Twenty minutes. 273 00:12:02,032 --> 00:12:04,435 Done. Hey, I'm proud of you. 274 00:12:04,669 --> 00:12:05,670 You going to come? 275 00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:07,238 Absolutely. 276 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,605 Really? 277 00:12:09,607 --> 00:12:10,541 I'll be there. 278 00:12:11,444 --> 00:12:13,143 - Okay. - I love you. 279 00:12:13,145 --> 00:12:15,148 - I'll see you tonight, bro. - Thanks. 280 00:12:16,715 --> 00:12:18,214 [funky jazz music] 281 00:12:18,216 --> 00:12:22,455 ♪ Nothing better in my head ♪ 282 00:12:23,089 --> 00:12:26,292 ♪ Please notice me ♪ 283 00:12:26,624 --> 00:12:31,297 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 284 00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:33,666 - ♪ Please... ♪ - [door slams] 285 00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,540 [Jerry] Mr. Simon! Welcome! 286 00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:42,707 My brother's a fucking idiot. 287 00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,443 I am Jagdish but you can call me Jerry. 288 00:12:45,445 --> 00:12:46,614 How you doing, Jerry? 289 00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:50,451 [Jerry] Easy. 290 00:12:58,024 --> 00:12:59,360 [Jerry grunts] 291 00:13:00,227 --> 00:13:01,596 [Jerry] All buckled in, sir? 292 00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:04,499 I have to put my seatbelt on? 293 00:13:04,765 --> 00:13:06,367 [Jerry] That's the law, sir. 294 00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:10,072 [smooth jazz] 295 00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:13,140 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 296 00:13:16,177 --> 00:13:19,413 ♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪ 297 00:13:22,383 --> 00:13:25,587 ♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪ 298 00:13:27,789 --> 00:13:31,394 ♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪ 299 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:37,265 ♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪ 300 00:13:40,202 --> 00:13:41,401 ♪ And sometimes ♪ 301 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,640 ♪ Things never seem the same ♪ 302 00:13:47,343 --> 00:13:49,346 [crescendo] 303 00:13:51,548 --> 00:13:55,352 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 304 00:13:57,286 --> 00:13:59,720 ♪ Can you just grab my hand ♪ 305 00:13:59,722 --> 00:14:02,459 ♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪ 306 00:14:03,626 --> 00:14:08,432 ♪ Because everyone ♪ 307 00:14:09,399 --> 00:14:13,367 ♪ Has a moment of grace ♪ 308 00:14:13,369 --> 00:14:15,306 ♪ Save face ♪ 309 00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,310 [Jerry] How is your day going, sir? 310 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,544 Good. 311 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:26,418 By the way, do you like my car? It's brand new. 312 00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:29,087 It's nice. 313 00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:31,455 I'm very proud of it. 314 00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:33,724 [Simon] Nice. 315 00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:35,728 It's fast. 316 00:14:36,193 --> 00:14:37,459 Like a tiger! 317 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,628 [Simon] Can you do me a favor, though? Can you slow it down? 318 00:14:39,630 --> 00:14:41,531 Because what I ate for breakfast 319 00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,735 is going to come out of my nose and my ass. 320 00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:45,537 Very good, sir. 321 00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:47,605 [soft jazz music] 322 00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:52,375 What is it that you do, sir? What is your profession? 323 00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:53,709 [turning signal] 324 00:14:53,711 --> 00:14:55,614 [sighs heavily] 325 00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:59,650 I'm a... I'm a comedian. 326 00:14:59,652 --> 00:15:04,224 [Jerry] You are telling and writing jokes, then? 327 00:15:06,558 --> 00:15:08,861 I tell jokes, I write some jokes. 328 00:15:09,361 --> 00:15:10,460 But I'm a comedian. 329 00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:12,164 So, some people sing, 330 00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:13,799 but they don't necessarily... 331 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,802 write all their songs. 332 00:15:16,903 --> 00:15:19,438 [Jerry] I have never met a joke teller before. 333 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,142 It is an honor. 334 00:15:22,674 --> 00:15:24,578 Thank you, I appreciate it. 335 00:15:25,312 --> 00:15:28,249 Is it... a good job? 336 00:15:29,815 --> 00:15:33,784 It's... I guess you have to be committed... to it. 337 00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:35,887 Just, I guess, like you're committed 338 00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:37,254 to the job you do. 339 00:15:37,256 --> 00:15:38,291 I love my job. 340 00:15:38,525 --> 00:15:41,261 I love my job! [laughs] 341 00:15:41,562 --> 00:15:43,394 I hope you love your job, sir. 342 00:15:43,396 --> 00:15:45,599 - [jazz music] - [cheers and applause] 343 00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:00,545 [chuckling] 344 00:16:00,547 --> 00:16:02,150 Huh. That's shit. 345 00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:04,453 [grumbles and chuckles] 346 00:16:05,286 --> 00:16:07,289 [unintelligible mumbling] 347 00:16:08,289 --> 00:16:09,358 Hey, what time is it? 348 00:16:10,324 --> 00:16:11,894 [stage hand] Start going on in ten minutes. 349 00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:13,630 Fuck. 350 00:16:14,964 --> 00:16:16,563 Fucking Simon. 351 00:16:16,565 --> 00:16:20,537 Please, sir. Tell me a joke. I like to laugh. 352 00:16:20,969 --> 00:16:22,602 Okay. 353 00:16:22,604 --> 00:16:26,308 You know why blonde women have bruised belly buttons? 354 00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:28,942 No. 355 00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,580 [Simon] Because blonde guys are dumb, too. 356 00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,683 I... I do not understand. 357 00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:37,321 Because blonde guys are dumb. 358 00:16:37,519 --> 00:16:39,353 They think the belly button is the vagina, 359 00:16:39,355 --> 00:16:40,758 so they're tapping that. 360 00:16:41,423 --> 00:16:42,757 [phone rings] 361 00:16:42,759 --> 00:16:43,726 Excuse me. 362 00:16:44,961 --> 00:16:46,326 Hello? 363 00:16:46,328 --> 00:16:47,395 - Simon. Where are you? - [cheers] 364 00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,396 I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way. 365 00:16:49,398 --> 00:16:50,768 [Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir. 366 00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:52,970 Thank you for that. 367 00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:55,737 Apparently it's 22 minutes. 368 00:16:55,739 --> 00:16:57,874 Simon, please don't fuck this up, okay? 369 00:16:58,508 --> 00:16:59,611 I'm on my way. 370 00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:03,882 - Simon? Si... Fuck. - [laughter] 371 00:17:05,016 --> 00:17:06,347 [cheers and applause] 372 00:17:06,349 --> 00:17:07,586 [sighs] 373 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,390 Is that your... best joke, sir? 374 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,827 It's very good. Uh, very good. 375 00:17:17,394 --> 00:17:18,626 But you didn't laugh. 376 00:17:18,628 --> 00:17:20,828 Well, I didn't understand it, 377 00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,864 but I am new to this country, and... 378 00:17:22,866 --> 00:17:24,634 Can you do me a favor and slow down? 379 00:17:24,636 --> 00:17:26,502 Because I'm going to be fucking sitting 380 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,903 on your spare tire soon, Jerry. 381 00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:30,640 I'm sorry, sir. This is a very fast car. 382 00:17:30,642 --> 00:17:31,941 I'm just learning how to... 383 00:17:31,943 --> 00:17:33,878 So maybe you should have bought a... 384 00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:35,481 a Hyundai. 385 00:17:35,946 --> 00:17:39,284 Hyundai is a very good car as well, but... 386 00:17:39,717 --> 00:17:41,853 this one is fast like a tiger. 387 00:17:43,989 --> 00:17:45,790 [uptempo jazz] 388 00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,802 Just relax. Hey, relax. 389 00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,538 Just be honest with your brother, he's your brother. 390 00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,643 Will you stop it, you're fucking lame. 391 00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:03,977 Alright. 392 00:18:04,577 --> 00:18:06,443 Alright. Ooh! 393 00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:07,712 - Hi. - Hi. How are you? 394 00:18:07,714 --> 00:18:09,613 - Pretty good. - Is my brother busy? 395 00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:10,647 Does it matter? 396 00:18:10,649 --> 00:18:12,483 Even if he was, he's always got time for you. 397 00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,617 - Go ahead. - Appreciate it. 398 00:18:13,619 --> 00:18:15,555 - Can I go in? - Yeah, of course. 399 00:18:19,892 --> 00:18:21,893 Look who it is! [chuckles] 400 00:18:21,895 --> 00:18:23,962 - How are you doing, bro? - Hey, bro. 401 00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:26,000 What is that? Come here, you! I love you. 402 00:18:26,766 --> 00:18:28,700 - Good to see you, come in! - You too. 403 00:18:28,702 --> 00:18:30,635 Sally, what's up? Hey, champ. [grunts] 404 00:18:30,637 --> 00:18:33,474 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey. - Come on. 405 00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,544 [William] So. 406 00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,514 What can I do for you boys? 407 00:18:38,812 --> 00:18:40,049 [Simon] Well, you know... 408 00:18:40,581 --> 00:18:41,813 I'm a little slug. 409 00:18:41,815 --> 00:18:43,518 I'm a little tight, and... 410 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:45,685 for some scratch, 411 00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:47,656 and I was hoping you could give me an advance. 412 00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:49,591 Simon, you know the deal. 413 00:18:49,823 --> 00:18:51,390 We get paid the same every month. 414 00:18:51,392 --> 00:18:52,591 If I blow through my money, 415 00:18:52,593 --> 00:18:53,761 I don't cut myself another check. 416 00:18:54,094 --> 00:18:56,428 So. But you, you can step out on the floor 417 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,765 any time you want, 418 00:18:58,600 --> 00:18:59,968 and make it happen. Listen. 419 00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:01,901 Get out there and sell a car, 420 00:19:01,903 --> 00:19:03,603 I'll give you the commission right now. 421 00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:07,509 Well, thanks for seeing us but I don't want to sell a car. 422 00:19:08,476 --> 00:19:10,010 Do it! Make it happen. 423 00:19:10,012 --> 00:19:12,044 I'm not even dressed, I don't even have a jacket. 424 00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:12,981 I got you. 425 00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:19,755 There we go. Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket. 426 00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:24,761 - Don't make me go sell a car. - Come on, come on. 427 00:19:25,429 --> 00:19:27,098 This is like breathing for you. 428 00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:29,766 You keep my jacket behind your door? 429 00:19:30,065 --> 00:19:31,035 Yeah. 430 00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:33,070 Go get 'em, tiger! 431 00:19:36,806 --> 00:19:37,908 Watch this. 432 00:19:38,175 --> 00:19:39,474 Watch this? What are you talking about? 433 00:19:39,476 --> 00:19:40,742 He's my best friend. 434 00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,944 He's going to come back here in two seconds with a contract. 435 00:19:42,946 --> 00:19:44,548 Watch it. 436 00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:47,182 Good afternoon, how are you? 437 00:19:47,184 --> 00:19:49,150 - Good, thanks. How are you? - My name is Simon. 438 00:19:49,152 --> 00:19:51,922 - Hi, Bernard. - Good to meet you, Bernard. 439 00:19:53,658 --> 00:19:56,191 Call me Bernie. I'm just looking around. 440 00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:57,592 Bernie? 441 00:19:57,594 --> 00:19:58,660 I'll just tell you about the car, 442 00:19:58,662 --> 00:19:59,762 because that's my job. 443 00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,063 - Sure. - You like the car? 444 00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:02,098 I like it, yeah. 445 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,265 You know, Bernie, I have to tell you something. 446 00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,700 When they say they don't make them like they used to... 447 00:20:05,702 --> 00:20:06,901 Thank God, because they used to be 448 00:20:06,903 --> 00:20:08,236 - a pile of shit. - [Bernie chuckles] 449 00:20:08,238 --> 00:20:10,940 This is a car. The highest level of technology, 450 00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,243 the software synchs up with your phone, 451 00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,914 whether it's Apple or Android. 452 00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:17,546 All wheel drive, 2000 CCs, 453 00:20:17,548 --> 00:20:19,783 it's an equal boost engine, it's great on gas. 454 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,116 This is a quick car. 455 00:20:21,118 --> 00:20:22,818 - Yeah. It's nice. - And look at the back seat. 456 00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,688 If you want to bang a chick in the back seat, 457 00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,122 you ain't going to break a vertebrae. 458 00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:29,926 [laughing] I'm married, but thanks for the info. 459 00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,064 Take the wife in the back seat. 460 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,964 - Do you love the car? - I do, yeah. 461 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,700 Can I make a suggestion, Bernie? 462 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,901 - Sure. - Let's go in my office and talk. 463 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,039 - What do you think? - Okay, Simon. 464 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,009 Thanks. 465 00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:49,713 - Bernie, come in please. - Yeah. 466 00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,050 - Sit down, buddy. - Thanks. 467 00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,687 [Bernie exhales heavily] 468 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,722 Bernie. 469 00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:58,990 I was born into this business. 470 00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:00,858 It's my dad that started this business, 471 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,129 he started as a salesman. 472 00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,598 I'm talking to you like a brother. 473 00:21:04,798 --> 00:21:06,131 The car... Do you love that car? 474 00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,932 I love that car. It's a lovely car. 475 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,268 ...fits your perfectly. 476 00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:11,135 - A car's got to fit you, buddy. - Yep. 477 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,805 It's got a 2000 CC equal boost engine, 478 00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:15,140 it's good on gas. 479 00:21:15,142 --> 00:21:16,240 It's not a dog. 480 00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,812 Because most of these cars that are fuel-efficient 481 00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:21,012 you have to get out and fucking push. 482 00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:23,615 But... here's the problem. 483 00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:24,752 If you don't take this car, 484 00:21:25,886 --> 00:21:28,587 and they sell it, it's six, eight, maybe ten weeks. 485 00:21:28,589 --> 00:21:31,156 Almost a whole model year. And I won't go back and forth. 486 00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:33,159 I'm going to give you the best deal possible, 487 00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,560 first time. 488 00:21:34,562 --> 00:21:36,296 Make the deal, and then you can pick it up. 489 00:21:36,298 --> 00:21:37,997 I can have it PDI'd 490 00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:40,769 and out of the showroom by tomorrow. 491 00:21:43,704 --> 00:21:45,137 No, not at all. 492 00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:48,077 No, I'm going to have to check with my wife, you know? 493 00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:51,745 I respect that. 494 00:21:51,747 --> 00:21:53,981 Second largest investment of your life is your car. 495 00:21:53,983 --> 00:21:55,816 - Yeah, right. - I'm on your side, Bernie. 496 00:21:55,818 --> 00:21:58,618 And you'll probably try to bang her in the back seat, 497 00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:00,119 like you said. 498 00:22:00,121 --> 00:22:01,588 There's lots of room. Nothing like romance. 499 00:22:01,590 --> 00:22:02,889 This is what I'm going to do. 500 00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:04,357 I want to hold the car for you. 501 00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,760 So, there's a little box here where it says remarks, 502 00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:08,865 I'm going to put "Must... 503 00:22:09,999 --> 00:22:10,932 ask... 504 00:22:10,934 --> 00:22:12,936 - [pen scratching] - wife's... 505 00:22:13,669 --> 00:22:14,772 permission... 506 00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,140 to buy... 507 00:22:17,773 --> 00:22:18,906 the car." 508 00:22:18,908 --> 00:22:21,778 If she gives you the go-ahead, then we take this off. 509 00:22:22,012 --> 00:22:23,677 Give me the fucking paperwork. 510 00:22:23,679 --> 00:22:25,614 Nobody tells me whether I can buy a car or not. 511 00:22:25,616 --> 00:22:27,081 You're a good boy, Bernie. 512 00:22:27,083 --> 00:22:28,818 [jazz music] 513 00:22:30,853 --> 00:22:32,122 [cheering] 514 00:22:36,793 --> 00:22:37,929 Thank you! 515 00:22:38,696 --> 00:22:39,932 Thank you, thank you! 516 00:22:41,632 --> 00:22:42,734 Thank you. 517 00:22:43,801 --> 00:22:44,937 Thank you! 518 00:22:45,703 --> 00:22:47,235 Welcome to The Comedy Basement. 519 00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:49,739 And remember, when you're here, in The Comedy Basement, 520 00:22:49,741 --> 00:22:51,974 there is only one place left to go, 521 00:22:51,976 --> 00:22:53,309 and that is up! 522 00:22:53,311 --> 00:22:54,713 [cheering] 523 00:22:56,046 --> 00:22:57,848 My name is Freddy C. 524 00:22:58,082 --> 00:23:01,184 I am your host and the owner of this beautiful establishment. 525 00:23:01,186 --> 00:23:03,256 - [cheering] - My first guest 526 00:23:04,023 --> 00:23:06,389 is an up-and-comer, he's known all around the area, 527 00:23:06,391 --> 00:23:08,824 we're very honored to have, ladies and gentlemen, 528 00:23:08,826 --> 00:23:10,394 he's no longer driving for NASCAR, 529 00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:11,427 Mr. Jeff Elliott! 530 00:23:11,429 --> 00:23:12,966 [cheers and applause] 531 00:23:23,142 --> 00:23:25,612 [Jeff] Hey, guys. How's it going? 532 00:23:26,145 --> 00:23:28,615 Alright. I'm really starting to feel my age. 533 00:23:29,015 --> 00:23:30,651 I hurt myself sleeping. 534 00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:32,885 [laughter] 535 00:23:33,152 --> 00:23:34,985 Did you know that was a thing you could do? 536 00:23:34,987 --> 00:23:36,090 I was taking a nap. 537 00:23:36,422 --> 00:23:38,891 I woke up, my shoulder was really sore. 538 00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:40,893 Doesn't go away for two weeks. 539 00:23:41,428 --> 00:23:43,127 So I go to the doctor, they take some X-rays. 540 00:23:43,129 --> 00:23:45,196 Ah... turns out I tore my rotator cuff... 541 00:23:45,198 --> 00:23:46,397 [audience] Aw. 542 00:23:46,399 --> 00:23:48,300 ...while I was taking a nap! 543 00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:49,771 [laughter] 544 00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:52,304 If you guys are familiar with this injury, 545 00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:54,308 it's usually reserved for professional athletes. 546 00:23:55,075 --> 00:23:56,909 Most specifically, baseball pitchers 547 00:23:56,911 --> 00:23:58,647 tear their rotator cuffs a lot. 548 00:23:58,879 --> 00:24:00,281 I knew I was good at sleeping. 549 00:24:00,815 --> 00:24:02,381 [laughter] 550 00:24:02,383 --> 00:24:04,652 Apparently I'm ready for the big leagues! 551 00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,186 I'll say this too, these baseball pitchers 552 00:24:07,188 --> 00:24:08,419 tear their rotator cuffs, they're done. 553 00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:10,893 For a year, they don't play baseball. 554 00:24:11,393 --> 00:24:13,860 I was back in bed sleeping that night. 555 00:24:13,862 --> 00:24:16,098 [laughter and applause] 556 00:24:21,036 --> 00:24:24,036 My next guest is the most famous sock 557 00:24:24,038 --> 00:24:25,471 in the entire world! 558 00:24:25,473 --> 00:24:27,439 Unlike his brother who never quite made it. 559 00:24:27,441 --> 00:24:30,008 He's the sock that's still left out on the highway. 560 00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,244 [audience] Ah... 561 00:24:31,246 --> 00:24:32,946 Ladies and gentlemen, Ed the Sock! 562 00:24:32,948 --> 00:24:34,050 [cheering] 563 00:24:39,055 --> 00:24:40,824 [Ed] Alright, shut up already! 564 00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:42,922 I don't believe your sincerity. 565 00:24:42,924 --> 00:24:44,391 Thank you very much for that introduction. 566 00:24:44,393 --> 00:24:47,995 I love the goatee, by the way. Very Wesley Snipes. 567 00:24:47,997 --> 00:24:49,395 [laughter] 568 00:24:49,397 --> 00:24:52,133 And thank you for the reference to my brother 569 00:24:52,135 --> 00:24:53,470 who's out on the highway. 570 00:24:54,737 --> 00:24:57,138 I haven't heard that one before. Though, of course, it's better 571 00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:01,012 than the "brother that you jerked off into as a teenager." 572 00:25:03,347 --> 00:25:05,079 Guys! I'm a sock! 573 00:25:05,081 --> 00:25:07,315 That's my ethnicity. I'm not defined by it. 574 00:25:07,317 --> 00:25:09,017 Let's get past those jokes, okay? 575 00:25:09,019 --> 00:25:11,385 [laughter and applause] 576 00:25:11,387 --> 00:25:12,456 Our next act... 577 00:25:12,889 --> 00:25:14,489 We love seeing this man when he comes 578 00:25:14,491 --> 00:25:16,057 and garners our stage, 579 00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:19,059 That Canadian guy... Glen Foster! 580 00:25:19,061 --> 00:25:20,363 [cheers and applause] 581 00:25:21,097 --> 00:25:23,234 [Glen] Alright, come on, come on... 582 00:25:27,437 --> 00:25:30,975 Here we go. Oh, thank you very much. That's very nice. 583 00:25:31,542 --> 00:25:33,475 I hope I look alright. I, uh... 584 00:25:33,477 --> 00:25:36,412 I've reached the age where no matter what I wear, 585 00:25:36,414 --> 00:25:39,248 I just come off looking like a retired cop. 586 00:25:39,250 --> 00:25:41,053 - [laughter] - So... 587 00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:44,252 Anyway, I do not need any more stress in my life. 588 00:25:44,254 --> 00:25:47,124 I live with my pre-teen daughter, 589 00:25:47,126 --> 00:25:49,859 - [audience] Oh! - my pre-menopausal wife, 590 00:25:49,861 --> 00:25:51,395 [laughter] 591 00:25:51,397 --> 00:25:56,266 and... a previously abused female Australian Shepherd. 592 00:25:56,268 --> 00:25:58,268 - [laughter] - Oh, yeah! 593 00:25:58,270 --> 00:26:00,236 There are days I walk through the door, 594 00:26:00,238 --> 00:26:02,873 it is bitch, bitch, bitch. 595 00:26:02,875 --> 00:26:04,243 [laughter] 596 00:26:05,845 --> 00:26:09,011 But the dog is cute, so... 597 00:26:09,013 --> 00:26:10,183 [laughter] 598 00:26:11,150 --> 00:26:12,216 [Simon] I'll give you another joke. 599 00:26:12,218 --> 00:26:16,053 So this guy is in his room. He's in a hospital. 600 00:26:16,055 --> 00:26:16,989 And... 601 00:26:16,991 --> 00:26:19,022 the doctor comes in the room, and he says, 602 00:26:19,024 --> 00:26:21,592 "Mr. Smith, I got some good news, 603 00:26:21,594 --> 00:26:23,127 - and some bad news." - [Jerry grunts] 604 00:26:23,129 --> 00:26:26,196 So he says, "Give me the bad news first 605 00:26:26,198 --> 00:26:29,202 and then you can pacify me with the good news." 606 00:26:29,535 --> 00:26:30,902 Goes, "Well, the bad news is 607 00:26:30,904 --> 00:26:32,169 you got gangrene on both your feet, 608 00:26:32,171 --> 00:26:33,437 we're going to have to cut them off." 609 00:26:33,439 --> 00:26:34,575 "So what the fuck's the good news?" 610 00:26:35,309 --> 00:26:38,180 "The guy in the other room wants to buy all your shoes." 611 00:26:39,246 --> 00:26:42,082 Because they wear the same... they wear the same size. 612 00:26:42,984 --> 00:26:44,151 And, and then? 613 00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:47,285 Oh, that is it? 614 00:26:47,287 --> 00:26:49,388 I got to check my messages because you're depressing me. 615 00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,492 Okay? Anyways. 616 00:26:51,592 --> 00:26:53,591 They're very good jokes, sir. Very good. But, I... 617 00:26:53,593 --> 00:26:56,328 - [Simon] Apparently not. - I've never heard them before. 618 00:26:56,330 --> 00:26:59,565 I would love to study your jokes so I understand them. 619 00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,070 If you have to study a joke, it's not funny. 620 00:27:02,603 --> 00:27:04,504 [applause] 621 00:27:04,506 --> 00:27:06,939 Now our next act is known all around the world 622 00:27:06,941 --> 00:27:08,207 as your neighborhood kid. 623 00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:10,075 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up 624 00:27:10,077 --> 00:27:11,244 for Jerry Caringi! 625 00:27:11,246 --> 00:27:12,946 [cheers and applause] 626 00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:16,216 [Jerry C.] Yeah! What's going on here? What's going on? 627 00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:18,254 Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you? 628 00:27:18,687 --> 00:27:20,957 Hey, how are you? Good to see you. 629 00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:25,062 Hey! Faccia di polenta! How are you? 630 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:26,964 How are you, man? 631 00:27:29,164 --> 00:27:30,499 How are you doing, huh? 632 00:27:34,938 --> 00:27:36,907 What a crowd, what a crowd! 633 00:27:37,507 --> 00:27:40,006 - You feeling good? - [audience] Yeah! 634 00:27:40,008 --> 00:27:41,309 Ay! 635 00:27:41,311 --> 00:27:43,013 Faccia di polenta, how are you? 636 00:27:43,211 --> 00:27:46,148 Anyways, um... The Godfather. 637 00:27:47,116 --> 00:27:48,683 It's getting serious. He's in his office. 638 00:27:48,685 --> 00:27:50,020 Something is going on. 639 00:27:50,386 --> 00:27:52,990 So he calls in Rocco. "Rocco, get in here! 640 00:27:53,723 --> 00:27:55,259 I gotta ask you a question." 641 00:27:56,125 --> 00:27:57,427 "Yes, Godfather. Anything." 642 00:27:58,295 --> 00:27:59,663 "What's five plus five?" 643 00:28:00,396 --> 00:28:03,265 Rocco answers, "Seven." 644 00:28:03,267 --> 00:28:04,298 [audience chuckles] 645 00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:05,936 Godfather slaps him in the face. 646 00:28:06,537 --> 00:28:09,204 "You're a good boy. You're very smart. 647 00:28:09,206 --> 00:28:11,641 Thank you. Go get Anthony. Send him in here. 648 00:28:11,643 --> 00:28:12,510 Stay outside." 649 00:28:13,644 --> 00:28:16,214 Anthony comes waltzing in, kind of worried. 650 00:28:18,316 --> 00:28:20,552 Godfather asks Anthony, "Anthony... 651 00:28:21,318 --> 00:28:24,289 I'm going to ask you a question. Give me a straight answer. 652 00:28:24,588 --> 00:28:25,721 Are you ready?" 653 00:28:25,723 --> 00:28:27,122 Anthony goes, "Yeah." 654 00:28:27,124 --> 00:28:28,324 "What's five plus six?" 655 00:28:28,326 --> 00:28:30,395 "Ah, that's easy. It's eleven." 656 00:28:31,596 --> 00:28:33,563 Pulls out his gun, bang! 657 00:28:33,565 --> 00:28:34,498 [laughter] 658 00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,169 Falls to the floor! Ba da dum! 659 00:28:36,602 --> 00:28:39,502 Rocco comes running in, "Godfather! What's going on? 660 00:28:39,504 --> 00:28:40,572 What did you do?" 661 00:28:42,607 --> 00:28:43,640 "He knows too much." 662 00:28:43,642 --> 00:28:45,342 [audience claps] Oh! 663 00:28:45,344 --> 00:28:48,112 This woman has been known all around the world 664 00:28:48,114 --> 00:28:50,279 for her role on Growing Pains. 665 00:28:50,281 --> 00:28:52,348 She also garnered the cover, 666 00:28:52,350 --> 00:28:57,121 and throughout America is known as a stunning Playmate 667 00:28:57,123 --> 00:28:58,455 in Playboy magazine. 668 00:28:58,457 --> 00:29:00,791 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for... 669 00:29:00,793 --> 00:29:02,292 Julie McCollough! 670 00:29:02,294 --> 00:29:03,496 [cheering] 671 00:29:12,305 --> 00:29:13,637 [Julie] How y'all doing? 672 00:29:13,639 --> 00:29:15,376 [cheers and applause] 673 00:29:16,342 --> 00:29:18,609 Thank you so very, very much for having me here. 674 00:29:18,611 --> 00:29:21,413 I've lived all over the United States, y'all. 675 00:29:21,415 --> 00:29:24,183 I've lived in North Carolina, West by God Virginia, 676 00:29:24,185 --> 00:29:28,220 Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada, 677 00:29:28,222 --> 00:29:30,492 Texas... Woo hoo for Texas! 678 00:29:31,358 --> 00:29:35,196 California, and I was born in Hawaii. Woo hoo! 679 00:29:36,364 --> 00:29:38,263 Y'all could tell I was Hawaiian, right? 680 00:29:38,265 --> 00:29:42,068 Blonde hair, Southern accent... Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian! 681 00:29:42,070 --> 00:29:43,472 [laughter] 682 00:29:43,804 --> 00:29:47,307 (Woman speaking foreign language) 683 00:29:47,309 --> 00:29:49,809 - brothers. - [audience] Whoo! 684 00:29:49,811 --> 00:29:51,613 (Woman speaking foreign language) 685 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,246 [audience] Ooh! 686 00:29:54,248 --> 00:29:55,848 That means absolutely nothing. 687 00:29:55,850 --> 00:29:57,384 [Julie and audience laugh] 688 00:29:57,386 --> 00:29:59,155 - Now, our next guest... - [applause] 689 00:29:59,588 --> 00:30:03,426 He can tell jokes, he's funny, he can sing, but please... 690 00:30:03,692 --> 00:30:06,760 do not get him to dance up here right now. 691 00:30:06,762 --> 00:30:08,294 [audience chuckles] 692 00:30:08,296 --> 00:30:09,631 Ladies and gentlemen, Constantine Meglis! 693 00:30:09,831 --> 00:30:11,534 [cheers and applause] 694 00:30:20,142 --> 00:30:21,809 [Constantine] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 695 00:30:21,811 --> 00:30:23,080 How are you? 696 00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,416 I happen to be six foot nine. 697 00:30:25,614 --> 00:30:26,614 [audience] Ooh! 698 00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:30,150 That's not... tall, that's like monster tall. 699 00:30:30,152 --> 00:30:31,185 [laughter] 700 00:30:31,187 --> 00:30:32,456 Okay? 701 00:30:33,156 --> 00:30:34,759 Even when I was a little kid. 702 00:30:35,292 --> 00:30:36,828 My kindergarten picture... 703 00:30:38,228 --> 00:30:40,765 I'm five years old, just like the rest of the kids. 704 00:30:41,232 --> 00:30:42,801 I look like I'm the teacher. 705 00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:45,303 [laughter] 706 00:30:47,403 --> 00:30:49,471 [Jerry] Sir, you are too hard on your jokes. 707 00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:52,241 I'm sure people who understand them will find them funny. 708 00:30:52,243 --> 00:30:53,678 I just don't understand them. 709 00:30:54,544 --> 00:30:55,447 Okay. 710 00:30:56,313 --> 00:30:58,717 Are you going to give a show tonight? 711 00:31:01,753 --> 00:31:02,855 Well, I'm... 712 00:31:03,354 --> 00:31:05,588 I'm part of a show, because it's a... 713 00:31:05,590 --> 00:31:09,324 it's a bunch of comedians, it's like a cavalcade, 714 00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:11,463 and it's being televised on cable. 715 00:31:11,862 --> 00:31:15,331 Oh, my God! That sounds very impressive. 716 00:31:15,333 --> 00:31:17,202 I wish I could attend. [chuckles] 717 00:31:17,401 --> 00:31:20,472 But I must drive my car. 718 00:31:20,872 --> 00:31:23,610 Are you... excited, sir? 719 00:31:25,377 --> 00:31:26,579 I wouldn't say... 720 00:31:27,446 --> 00:31:28,613 I'm excited, but... 721 00:31:30,650 --> 00:31:35,255 I'm probably, I would say, relieved, because if I do good, 722 00:31:35,488 --> 00:31:38,658 this is basically the break I'm looking for. 723 00:31:38,924 --> 00:31:40,392 If I do bad, 724 00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:42,895 I'll be selling cars for the rest of my life. 725 00:31:43,629 --> 00:31:47,468 Oh, my God. So it's a very important event, then. 726 00:31:48,367 --> 00:31:50,337 Yeah, you could say that. Yeah. 727 00:31:50,804 --> 00:31:55,176 I'm wishing you most excellent good luck, sir. 728 00:31:55,675 --> 00:31:57,241 [Simon] Most excellent good luck? 729 00:31:57,243 --> 00:31:58,478 [Jerry] Most excellent good luck. 730 00:31:58,945 --> 00:32:03,517 Well I most excellently appreciate your wishes. 731 00:32:03,849 --> 00:32:07,251 And I hope they're true for me and for my sake. 732 00:32:07,253 --> 00:32:10,791 And congratulations on your car, which is a tiger... 733 00:32:11,326 --> 00:32:12,594 uh, in heat. 734 00:32:12,827 --> 00:32:15,928 [laughs] That joke I understand, sir. 735 00:32:15,930 --> 00:32:17,662 [turning signal] 736 00:32:17,664 --> 00:32:19,401 "Tiger in heat" you found funny? 737 00:32:19,901 --> 00:32:21,933 Well a tiger in heat would be very funny. 738 00:32:21,935 --> 00:32:26,305 Uh, dangerous, but I see how you make it funny. 739 00:32:26,307 --> 00:32:28,410 You... you are good comedian. 740 00:32:29,978 --> 00:32:31,279 Okay. 741 00:32:34,015 --> 00:32:35,649 [laughter] 742 00:32:35,651 --> 00:32:38,821 [Ed] Any ladies here considering breast implants? 743 00:32:39,288 --> 00:32:40,554 - [woman 1] No! - [woman 2] Yes! 744 00:32:40,556 --> 00:32:42,422 Any guys here considering their ladies 745 00:32:42,424 --> 00:32:43,824 should have breast implants? 746 00:32:43,826 --> 00:32:45,325 [laughter] 747 00:32:45,327 --> 00:32:46,593 Hey, here's the thing, ladies. 748 00:32:46,595 --> 00:32:47,861 If you're with a guy who wants you 749 00:32:47,863 --> 00:32:50,700 to get a breast implant, get rid of him! 750 00:32:51,834 --> 00:32:54,804 The best breast enlargement is sit closer! 751 00:32:55,303 --> 00:32:56,838 [laughter] 752 00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:02,676 Honestly, a breast enlargement that a guy wants you to have, 753 00:33:02,678 --> 00:33:05,046 it's only because he can't get his penis made bigger. 754 00:33:05,048 --> 00:33:06,817 [audience laughs] Oh! 755 00:33:07,783 --> 00:33:09,517 [applause] 756 00:33:09,519 --> 00:33:11,019 I am trying to take care of myself, 757 00:33:11,021 --> 00:33:12,720 'cause I'm a single guy. 758 00:33:12,722 --> 00:33:14,489 Trying to figure out what women find attractive in a man. 759 00:33:14,491 --> 00:33:16,457 I think I have some things. I don't know if you've noticed, 760 00:33:16,459 --> 00:33:17,695 but my hands... 761 00:33:18,528 --> 00:33:19,827 are pretty much gorgeous. 762 00:33:19,829 --> 00:33:22,697 - [laughter] - I take good care of them. 763 00:33:22,699 --> 00:33:23,932 I've been told women look at your hands 764 00:33:23,934 --> 00:33:25,501 when they first meet you. 765 00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,405 They also look at your eyes, I've been told. 766 00:33:27,605 --> 00:33:28,904 I've got some sweet baby blues 767 00:33:28,906 --> 00:33:30,606 happening behind these safety goggles. 768 00:33:30,608 --> 00:33:32,508 [laughter] 769 00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:34,076 And I've heard feet before, which I didn't understand. 770 00:33:34,078 --> 00:33:34,710 That sounds gross. 771 00:33:34,712 --> 00:33:36,645 Who looks at a man's feet? 772 00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:39,347 It's a size thing, right? They think you got big shoes, 773 00:33:39,349 --> 00:33:40,848 you got the... [whistles] 774 00:33:40,850 --> 00:33:42,017 [laughter] 775 00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:43,521 ...big underpants, right? 776 00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,589 Mine are a size 11. 777 00:33:46,658 --> 00:33:48,457 [clicks tongue] That is slightly above average. 778 00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:50,492 [laughter] 779 00:33:50,494 --> 00:33:51,961 They're 11 wide, actually. 780 00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:53,766 [audience] Whoa! 781 00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:57,767 Can barely get my gorgeous hands around the thing. 782 00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,272 [laughter] 783 00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:00,773 [turning signal] 784 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,040 So, do you have... all your friends and family 785 00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:07,780 coming to see your performance tonight? 786 00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:09,678 Sure you going the right way? 787 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,752 It's faster, sir. Much faster. 788 00:34:12,518 --> 00:34:14,521 - You sure? - Very sure. 789 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,121 I don't know if my family's coming. 790 00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:18,688 I mean... 791 00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,791 My father and my mother are no longer here, 792 00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:23,060 - unfortunately. - I'm very sorry, sir. 793 00:34:23,062 --> 00:34:25,929 And I have a brother, and he's married. 794 00:34:25,931 --> 00:34:28,067 And... that's us. 795 00:34:28,701 --> 00:34:30,469 So hopefully he'll... 796 00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:32,936 My brother will come tonight. 797 00:34:32,938 --> 00:34:34,708 [smooth jazz] 798 00:34:40,713 --> 00:34:43,918 ♪ I want you to stop For just one second ♪ 799 00:34:44,617 --> 00:34:47,487 ♪ I want you to take One step back ♪ 800 00:34:49,689 --> 00:34:51,726 ♪ Don't say one word ♪ 801 00:34:52,726 --> 00:34:54,693 ♪ That you can't take back... ♪ 802 00:34:54,695 --> 00:34:57,562 Come on, mom's waiting. Let's go say goodbye. 803 00:34:57,564 --> 00:35:00,002 I can't go. I... I can't do it. 804 00:35:03,004 --> 00:35:03,939 Simon. 805 00:35:04,873 --> 00:35:07,139 Let's go upstairs and say goodbye to mom. 806 00:35:07,141 --> 00:35:08,643 I don't want to say bye. 807 00:35:10,011 --> 00:35:10,978 You've got to do it. 808 00:35:12,547 --> 00:35:13,582 Hey. 809 00:35:14,448 --> 00:35:15,917 You weren't there when dad died. 810 00:35:16,151 --> 00:35:17,585 He was waiting for you. 811 00:35:17,785 --> 00:35:19,120 Don't make the same mistake. 812 00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:20,888 Why would you say that? 813 00:35:21,589 --> 00:35:23,059 He wanted to say goodbye to you. 814 00:35:23,858 --> 00:35:25,427 I know you regretted that. 815 00:35:26,061 --> 00:35:28,664 Let's go, don't make the same mistake. Come on! 816 00:35:29,498 --> 00:35:30,697 That's it, there. Let's go. 817 00:35:30,699 --> 00:35:32,532 [slow jazz] 818 00:35:32,534 --> 00:35:36,638 ♪ ...and you tore it apart ♪ 819 00:35:37,907 --> 00:35:40,008 ♪ Threw it on the ground ♪ 820 00:35:41,577 --> 00:35:45,648 ♪ And rolled it around ♪ 821 00:35:46,450 --> 00:35:49,486 ♪ I am what I am ♪ 822 00:35:50,787 --> 00:35:52,957 ♪ I'm my own man ♪ 823 00:35:54,491 --> 00:35:56,761 ♪ And whether it's one second ♪ 824 00:35:57,461 --> 00:35:58,995 ♪ Or another 100 years... ♪ 825 00:35:59,662 --> 00:36:01,765 [William] Can you give us a moment, please? 826 00:36:05,901 --> 00:36:07,804 ♪ ...never take anything ♪ 827 00:36:09,638 --> 00:36:11,173 ♪ From someone like you... ♪ 828 00:36:11,175 --> 00:36:14,112 [Audrey] Simon? There's a line up at the gates of heaven. 829 00:36:14,712 --> 00:36:16,947 Why are you keeping me waiting, my son? 830 00:36:18,882 --> 00:36:22,654 You've tried all your life to make people laugh. 831 00:36:23,721 --> 00:36:26,123 And you always make yourself cry. 832 00:36:26,858 --> 00:36:29,060 Why are you so sad, my son? 833 00:36:29,759 --> 00:36:31,762 ♪ Then you understand ♪ 834 00:36:31,996 --> 00:36:38,538 ♪ That you're so, so sad... ♪ 835 00:36:39,805 --> 00:36:42,538 And what about your wife, sir? 836 00:36:42,540 --> 00:36:44,109 Are you married? 837 00:36:44,709 --> 00:36:46,812 - I'm not married, no. - Ah. 838 00:36:47,812 --> 00:36:49,881 Have you ever been married? 839 00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,015 Jerry, It's tough enough 840 00:36:52,017 --> 00:36:54,017 to get along with yourself, let alone with somebody else. 841 00:36:54,019 --> 00:36:54,953 No, I've... 842 00:36:55,687 --> 00:36:56,923 never been married. 843 00:36:58,625 --> 00:36:59,760 That is sad. 844 00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,029 A man needs to be married. 845 00:37:02,695 --> 00:37:03,897 Why, to be miserable? 846 00:37:05,063 --> 00:37:09,569 Hm... you have not found the right woman yet, I suppose. 847 00:37:09,869 --> 00:37:11,101 Do they call you Jerry 848 00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:12,769 'cause you're like Jerry Springer? 849 00:37:12,771 --> 00:37:14,641 [Jerry laughs] Who is that? 850 00:37:14,873 --> 00:37:16,641 It's not important. 851 00:37:16,643 --> 00:37:18,775 You know what? Everybody finds their own happiness, Jerry. 852 00:37:18,777 --> 00:37:21,814 I'm happy in my... in my... 853 00:37:23,182 --> 00:37:26,920 [huffs] survival of life. I'm okay. I'm good. 854 00:37:28,155 --> 00:37:29,591 Yes, I understand. 855 00:37:30,090 --> 00:37:32,593 I was very happy with my Sharmila. 856 00:37:34,093 --> 00:37:36,063 She's not with us anymore, but... 857 00:37:36,829 --> 00:37:38,632 I still talk to her every day. 858 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,867 [phone rings] 859 00:37:41,869 --> 00:37:43,671 I have got to take this, Jerry, okay? 860 00:37:44,004 --> 00:37:45,139 [Jerry] Of course, sir. 861 00:37:45,940 --> 00:37:47,007 Hello? 862 00:37:47,009 --> 00:37:49,074 Si... Wha... What the fuck are you doing, Simon? 863 00:37:49,076 --> 00:37:51,746 You know what? I don't know if I want to do this. I... 864 00:37:52,047 --> 00:37:54,148 I don't want to embarrass myself. I... 865 00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:57,349 This is a... I guess this is a big leap for me, 866 00:37:57,351 --> 00:37:58,351 and I don't think I... 867 00:37:58,353 --> 00:38:00,186 I don't think I want to do it. 868 00:38:00,188 --> 00:38:01,587 What are you fucking talking about? 869 00:38:01,589 --> 00:38:04,223 I put my fucking balls on the line for you. 870 00:38:04,225 --> 00:38:05,824 But you told me they wanted me, 871 00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:09,128 why are you telling me that it's your ass? 872 00:38:09,130 --> 00:38:09,695 I don't understand. 873 00:38:09,697 --> 00:38:10,830 Of course they want you! 874 00:38:10,832 --> 00:38:13,367 But I still had to put my fucking balls on the line. 875 00:38:13,369 --> 00:38:14,501 You know, credibility! 876 00:38:14,503 --> 00:38:16,303 I'm the guy who fucking recommended you. 877 00:38:16,305 --> 00:38:17,870 What's the matter with you? They want you! 878 00:38:17,872 --> 00:38:18,972 Stop screaming in my fucking ear. 879 00:38:18,974 --> 00:38:20,307 Don't fucking do this to me. 880 00:38:20,309 --> 00:38:21,941 Don't fucking do this to yourself. 881 00:38:21,943 --> 00:38:23,309 Get over here. What the fuck are you doing? 882 00:38:23,311 --> 00:38:25,314 Okay. [exhales heavily] 883 00:38:26,148 --> 00:38:28,716 Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you, Sally. 884 00:38:28,718 --> 00:38:31,087 Okay. I'll do it. We're on our way. 885 00:38:31,387 --> 00:38:33,189 - Fuck! - [cheers and applause] 886 00:38:35,324 --> 00:38:37,194 [funky jazz] 887 00:38:52,174 --> 00:38:54,312 ♪ There was a moment ♪ 888 00:38:55,078 --> 00:38:57,281 ♪ In the past... ♪ 889 00:38:58,115 --> 00:39:00,950 - Hey, Simon! - Hey. Did you bring some money? 890 00:39:00,952 --> 00:39:02,354 - [Sal] Of course I did. - Good. 891 00:39:02,854 --> 00:39:04,720 So tonight you know what I'm thinking? 892 00:39:04,722 --> 00:39:06,691 I want you to play the deaf-mute. 893 00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:09,425 I don't want to play the deaf-mute. 894 00:39:09,427 --> 00:39:10,959 You fucked it up already 895 00:39:10,961 --> 00:39:12,764 - at playing the deaf-mute. - [Sal laughs] 896 00:39:13,164 --> 00:39:17,736 [funky jazz] ♪ Why so sad? ♪ 897 00:39:18,369 --> 00:39:21,975 ♪ Why so bad? ♪ 898 00:39:23,776 --> 00:39:26,946 ♪ Why so sad? ♪ 899 00:39:28,846 --> 00:39:32,718 ♪ Times have become so bad ♪ 900 00:39:34,852 --> 00:39:37,723 ♪ Why do you do this ♪ 901 00:39:38,857 --> 00:39:40,927 ♪ If you just... ♪ 902 00:39:42,294 --> 00:39:43,759 Hey, Garry. 903 00:39:43,761 --> 00:39:45,127 [Garry] Hey, Simon, what's going on? 904 00:39:45,129 --> 00:39:47,231 Give me a scotch with a couple of cubes, please. 905 00:39:47,233 --> 00:39:48,268 Sure. 906 00:39:49,402 --> 00:39:52,271 What do you... want to... drink? 907 00:39:56,409 --> 00:39:57,744 You sure? 908 00:39:58,811 --> 00:40:00,748 - Beer, for my buddy. - [Garry] Sure. 909 00:40:02,148 --> 00:40:04,318 - ♪ ...such a sad song ♪ - [glass clinks] 910 00:40:07,219 --> 00:40:09,322 ♪ One last time... ♪ 911 00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:12,292 Good? 912 00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:15,763 How you doing? 913 00:40:17,430 --> 00:40:19,867 [Margaret] I, ah... I speak sign language. 914 00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:23,000 That isn't anything that I recognize. 915 00:40:23,002 --> 00:40:24,171 You know why? 916 00:40:24,504 --> 00:40:26,307 'Cause we're speaking dialect. 917 00:40:27,908 --> 00:40:30,011 Oh.[chuckles] 918 00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:31,378 Ok. 919 00:40:32,779 --> 00:40:34,179 [Margaret laughs] 920 00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:35,216 [jazz music] 921 00:40:40,121 --> 00:40:42,088 This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world. 922 00:40:42,090 --> 00:40:45,461 I love this place. The food is absolutely amazing. 923 00:40:45,994 --> 00:40:47,360 Well, you know why I come here? 924 00:40:47,362 --> 00:40:49,898 The waiter. He's like a father to me. Jack! 925 00:40:50,931 --> 00:40:52,067 Buddy, we're ready. 926 00:40:54,969 --> 00:40:56,705 [Jack] Your favorite wine, Simon? 927 00:40:56,904 --> 00:40:57,840 Absolutely. 928 00:40:58,207 --> 00:41:00,173 It's my favorite restaurant, I... 929 00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:01,941 I come here all the time and I love the waiter. 930 00:41:01,943 --> 00:41:04,511 He's like a... father to me. 931 00:41:04,513 --> 00:41:06,147 Jack? 932 00:41:06,149 --> 00:41:08,015 This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world. 933 00:41:08,017 --> 00:41:09,319 I love this place. 934 00:41:09,986 --> 00:41:11,922 And... the waiter 935 00:41:12,789 --> 00:41:14,925 is like a dad to me. Jack! 936 00:41:15,358 --> 00:41:16,892 We're ready, buddy. 937 00:41:17,859 --> 00:41:19,162 Your favorite wine, Simon? 938 00:41:21,931 --> 00:41:23,067 [pop] 939 00:41:23,534 --> 00:41:25,470 - Miss? - [Margaret] Please. 940 00:41:26,002 --> 00:41:27,002 Thank you. 941 00:41:27,004 --> 00:41:28,804 [wine gurgles] 942 00:41:28,806 --> 00:41:30,806 - Ma'am? - Please. 943 00:41:30,808 --> 00:41:32,340 [wine gurgles] 944 00:41:32,342 --> 00:41:33,474 Pinello! 945 00:41:33,476 --> 00:41:35,210 - You spoil me, Simon. - [glass clinks] 946 00:41:35,212 --> 00:41:37,148 - Miss? - Yes, please. 947 00:41:38,848 --> 00:41:41,084 - [glass clinks] - [wine gurgles] 948 00:41:41,851 --> 00:41:43,254 Do you mind if I order for us? 949 00:41:43,821 --> 00:41:45,320 Ah... nope. Thank you. 950 00:41:45,322 --> 00:41:47,356 We're not going to need the menus. I know exactly... 951 00:41:47,358 --> 00:41:49,959 - Do you mind if I order for us? - Not at all. 952 00:41:49,961 --> 00:41:51,796 - [Simon] Do you mind if I order? - No. 953 00:41:52,229 --> 00:41:54,296 We're going to have the filet mignon, 954 00:41:54,298 --> 00:41:55,399 the lobster tail, 955 00:41:56,099 --> 00:41:58,002 and I want them to make the angel hair... 956 00:41:58,369 --> 00:42:01,003 like they do for me, alla puttanesca. 957 00:42:01,005 --> 00:42:02,370 Please? Thank you. 958 00:42:02,372 --> 00:42:04,976 So we're going to have the filet mignon, 959 00:42:05,242 --> 00:42:06,943 with the lobster. 960 00:42:06,945 --> 00:42:09,314 We'll have the angel hair pasta alla puttanesca. 961 00:42:09,915 --> 00:42:11,384 Ok? Thank you. 962 00:42:11,884 --> 00:42:13,984 We're going to have the filet mignon, 963 00:42:13,986 --> 00:42:15,319 the lobster tail, 964 00:42:15,321 --> 00:42:18,589 and can you make that angel hair alla puttanesca, please? 965 00:42:18,591 --> 00:42:20,125 - Of course. - Thank you. 966 00:42:20,926 --> 00:42:21,859 [glasses clink] 967 00:42:21,861 --> 00:42:23,263 - Cheers. - Cheers. 968 00:42:26,531 --> 00:42:27,897 - Cheers. - Cheers. 969 00:42:27,899 --> 00:42:29,199 Thanks for coming out tonight. 970 00:42:29,201 --> 00:42:30,969 - Thanks for having me. - [clink] 971 00:42:36,943 --> 00:42:38,179 [clink] 972 00:42:44,450 --> 00:42:47,050 Do you mind? I've got to make a quick call outside. 973 00:42:47,052 --> 00:42:48,586 - I'll be right back. - No problem. 974 00:42:48,588 --> 00:42:50,954 I'm going to make a quick call. Do you mind? 975 00:42:50,956 --> 00:42:52,457 Not at all. Take your time. 976 00:42:52,459 --> 00:42:54,425 I gotta make a quick call, if you don't mind. 977 00:42:54,427 --> 00:42:55,894 - Is that ok with you? - Mm-hm. 978 00:42:55,896 --> 00:42:56,894 - Sure. - Be right back. 979 00:42:56,896 --> 00:42:57,897 Everything's good? 980 00:42:57,899 --> 00:42:59,034 - Amazing. - Good. 981 00:42:59,901 --> 00:43:01,069 Give me a sec. 982 00:43:02,469 --> 00:43:03,437 I'll be right back. 983 00:43:05,973 --> 00:43:07,209 Be back in a second. 984 00:43:20,053 --> 00:43:21,453 Is everything alright? 985 00:43:21,455 --> 00:43:23,423 Everything's amazing, but... Jack, where's Simon? 986 00:43:23,425 --> 00:43:25,525 He was making a call. It's been a while... 987 00:43:25,527 --> 00:43:26,992 Is everything alright? 988 00:43:26,994 --> 00:43:28,463 Yes, excellent... 989 00:43:32,034 --> 00:43:33,266 Is everything alright? 990 00:43:33,268 --> 00:43:35,170 Mm, delicious, thank you. 991 00:43:35,637 --> 00:43:37,006 [clink] 992 00:43:40,474 --> 00:43:41,509 Where's Simon? 993 00:43:42,043 --> 00:43:43,311 Is he coming back? 994 00:43:43,679 --> 00:43:44,981 Nah. 995 00:43:48,551 --> 00:43:50,283 [thud] Motherfucker! 996 00:43:50,285 --> 00:43:53,222 [exhales heavily] What a scumbag! 997 00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,022 I'll fucking scratch his eyeballs out 998 00:43:56,024 --> 00:43:57,223 the next time I see him! 999 00:43:57,225 --> 00:43:58,494 [inhales sharply] 1000 00:44:02,698 --> 00:44:05,067 [smooth jazz] ♪ Look in the mirror ♪ 1001 00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:07,370 ♪ I just can't smile ♪ 1002 00:44:08,738 --> 00:44:11,242 - [phone rings] - ♪ I need to find... ♪ 1003 00:44:13,009 --> 00:44:14,509 Simon, you ok? 1004 00:44:14,511 --> 00:44:16,179 Yeah, I'm good. Listen... 1005 00:44:16,646 --> 00:44:19,380 First of all, thank you for the way you take care of me, 1006 00:44:19,382 --> 00:44:20,414 I appreciate it. 1007 00:44:20,416 --> 00:44:22,085 Anything for you. It's ok, Simon. 1008 00:44:22,453 --> 00:44:25,387 That last girl, I think her name was Margaret... 1009 00:44:25,389 --> 00:44:26,121 Yeah. 1010 00:44:26,123 --> 00:44:28,259 How did she take paying the bill? 1011 00:44:28,592 --> 00:44:30,161 [chuckling] Well... 1012 00:44:30,427 --> 00:44:32,597 When she saw the bill, she started laughing. 1013 00:44:41,006 --> 00:44:42,241 Ok... 1014 00:44:45,243 --> 00:44:47,243 Get the fuck outta here. She started laughing? 1015 00:44:47,245 --> 00:44:49,011 Yeah, she was laughing. 1016 00:44:49,013 --> 00:44:50,381 Did she call me any names? 1017 00:44:51,115 --> 00:44:52,617 No. [chuckles] 1018 00:44:53,417 --> 00:44:54,519 Really? 1019 00:44:55,220 --> 00:44:56,519 Ok, thanks buddy. 1020 00:44:56,521 --> 00:44:58,121 I appreciate it. I'll see you soon. 1021 00:44:58,123 --> 00:45:00,092 - Ok? - It's ok. Anything, Simon. 1022 00:45:03,161 --> 00:45:04,563 ♪ You make me a man ♪ 1023 00:45:06,031 --> 00:45:07,697 ♪ You make me appreciate ♪ 1024 00:45:07,699 --> 00:45:09,134 [phone ringing] 1025 00:45:09,735 --> 00:45:11,371 ♪ Who I am... ♪ 1026 00:45:12,438 --> 00:45:13,440 Hello? 1027 00:45:13,773 --> 00:45:15,608 Um... Margaret? 1028 00:45:16,741 --> 00:45:18,544 - [laughing] - It's Simon. 1029 00:45:19,811 --> 00:45:22,148 Wow, ah... 1030 00:45:22,716 --> 00:45:24,381 I'm surprised. 1031 00:45:24,383 --> 00:45:26,051 I honestly didn't think I would hear from you again. 1032 00:45:26,053 --> 00:45:28,321 I really... I'm sorry I had to leave, something... 1033 00:45:28,655 --> 00:45:31,589 came up and I couldn't get out of it, and I apologize. 1034 00:45:31,591 --> 00:45:32,557 Ah-ha. 1035 00:45:32,559 --> 00:45:34,426 I'd like to make it up to you, if possible. 1036 00:45:34,428 --> 00:45:36,564 Could I take you out again? 1037 00:45:37,064 --> 00:45:38,363 [scoffs] 1038 00:45:38,365 --> 00:45:41,369 You... you want me to buy you dinner again? 1039 00:45:42,602 --> 00:45:47,442 No, no. I want to make it up to you, and I got a big... 1040 00:45:48,109 --> 00:45:49,708 I got a big thing going on tonight, 1041 00:45:49,710 --> 00:45:51,810 I'm performing at The Comedy Basement. 1042 00:45:51,812 --> 00:45:55,249 It's being televised on cable. 1043 00:45:55,850 --> 00:45:57,750 And if you come... If you can make it tonight, 1044 00:45:57,752 --> 00:46:00,589 I'd appreciate it, and I'll make it up to you. 1045 00:46:02,656 --> 00:46:04,191 Ah... 1046 00:46:06,326 --> 00:46:08,696 [tsking] Let me think about it. 1047 00:46:10,164 --> 00:46:11,363 - Ok. - [Margaret giggles] 1048 00:46:11,365 --> 00:46:12,765 Sorry about it, really. 1049 00:46:12,767 --> 00:46:14,771 I'm sorry about it, I'll make it up to you. Ok? 1050 00:46:15,369 --> 00:46:17,239 - It's ok. - Try to make it tonight. 1051 00:46:18,139 --> 00:46:19,374 - Ok. - Bye. 1052 00:46:19,641 --> 00:46:21,144 - Bye. - Bye. 1053 00:46:27,115 --> 00:46:28,648 [laughter] 1054 00:46:28,650 --> 00:46:30,517 My daddy's a hillbilly coal miner 1055 00:46:30,519 --> 00:46:32,385 from West by God Virginia. 1056 00:46:32,387 --> 00:46:34,187 So I'm a coal miner's daughter. 1057 00:46:34,189 --> 00:46:35,857 [cheers and applause] 1058 00:46:35,859 --> 00:46:37,525 He was a Marine, 1059 00:46:37,527 --> 00:46:40,464 he was in the United States Marine Corps, so oorah! 1060 00:46:40,730 --> 00:46:42,496 - Yeah! - Oorah! 1061 00:46:42,498 --> 00:46:45,665 My mama, she worked in a church in Durham, North Carolina. 1062 00:46:45,667 --> 00:46:48,668 So naturally, I am a Playboy Playmate. 1063 00:46:48,670 --> 00:46:50,174 [laughter] 1064 00:46:52,475 --> 00:46:54,678 True, I am Miss February... 1065 00:46:55,178 --> 00:46:56,747 [audience applauds] Whoo! 1066 00:46:58,682 --> 00:47:00,349 ...1986. 1067 00:47:00,351 --> 00:47:01,853 [laughter] 1068 00:47:02,552 --> 00:47:04,253 I frickin' hate saying that year, 1069 00:47:04,255 --> 00:47:05,523 it's a dead giveaway. 1070 00:47:06,590 --> 00:47:09,760 I'm old... erish. 1071 00:47:10,728 --> 00:47:14,162 I'm 33 years in Playmate years! Whoo hoo! 1072 00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:15,532 [cheering] 1073 00:47:18,434 --> 00:47:21,837 Any guys here who like to send pictures of their penises 1074 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:23,741 to prospective dates? 1075 00:47:24,942 --> 00:47:26,843 Good, I'm glad nobody clapped. 1076 00:47:26,845 --> 00:47:28,477 [laughter] 1077 00:47:28,479 --> 00:47:30,582 'Cause I know most of you are liars, 1078 00:47:31,415 --> 00:47:32,748 but at least you have the common sense 1079 00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:34,850 not to admit it in a crowd of people. 1080 00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:36,518 [laughter] 1081 00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:38,788 Not quite sure why a guy would send a penis to a woman. 1082 00:47:38,790 --> 00:47:42,192 Is it like they hope that later during the date 1083 00:47:42,194 --> 00:47:43,625 they can't be impersonated? 1084 00:47:43,627 --> 00:47:45,396 [laughter] 1085 00:47:45,398 --> 00:47:48,199 Like, "Wait a minute, I've seen your penis, 1086 00:47:48,201 --> 00:47:50,469 and that's not your penis!" 1087 00:47:52,505 --> 00:47:54,338 I just don't understand it. 1088 00:47:54,340 --> 00:47:57,474 Women don't go for guys for a penis. 1089 00:47:57,476 --> 00:47:58,612 Am I right, ladies? 1090 00:47:59,646 --> 00:48:02,278 By the time you know the size of a guy's penis, 1091 00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,616 you've already committed. 1092 00:48:04,516 --> 00:48:06,349 Any ladies ever looked at a penis and said, 1093 00:48:06,351 --> 00:48:07,721 "Sorry, I'm outta here?" 1094 00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:11,990 I imagine that would be 1095 00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:14,392 not because it's too small, but because it's too big. 1096 00:48:14,394 --> 00:48:16,394 - [laughter] - Ooh! 1097 00:48:16,396 --> 00:48:18,231 Ladies, you like 'em real big? 1098 00:48:18,932 --> 00:48:20,497 Hey, I don't understand that. 1099 00:48:20,499 --> 00:48:22,633 I thought the idea of sex was that it was intimacy. 1100 00:48:22,635 --> 00:48:24,368 Why do you want to have sex with a guy 1101 00:48:24,370 --> 00:48:25,673 who's in the other room? 1102 00:48:29,575 --> 00:48:30,941 Is everything alright, sir? 1103 00:48:30,943 --> 00:48:32,345 [Simon] It's ok, I guess. 1104 00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:36,882 You seemed to get very sober with that telephone call. 1105 00:48:36,884 --> 00:48:38,583 Pardon me? 1106 00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:40,385 Somber, sober, sad. 1107 00:48:40,387 --> 00:48:41,355 For a comedian, 1108 00:48:42,223 --> 00:48:43,791 that doesn't sound good, I don't think. 1109 00:48:44,625 --> 00:48:46,694 [Simon] I'm not sad. I'm just... 1110 00:48:47,962 --> 00:48:49,864 I think I just am... 1111 00:48:50,398 --> 00:48:51,896 got a lot going on in my mind 1112 00:48:51,898 --> 00:48:54,699 'cause I'm performing and there's a lot of pressure, 1113 00:48:54,701 --> 00:48:57,706 'cause five minutes for a comedian are an eternity. 1114 00:48:57,972 --> 00:49:00,409 [Jerry] Hmm... I understand. 1115 00:49:01,876 --> 00:49:04,813 But you are prepared for these five minutes? 1116 00:49:05,881 --> 00:49:07,383 [Simon] Am I prepared? 1117 00:49:08,416 --> 00:49:10,352 Is anybody ever prepared in life? 1118 00:49:10,952 --> 00:49:12,551 I don't know. We'll see. 1119 00:49:12,553 --> 00:49:14,354 I mean, everything is timing. 1120 00:49:14,356 --> 00:49:18,962 Sometimes when you're on stage your timing is bang-on, and... 1121 00:49:20,028 --> 00:49:22,462 you're in the rhythm of the audience and the crowd, 1122 00:49:22,464 --> 00:49:24,331 and sometimes your timing is off, 1123 00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:26,569 and you die a slow death. 1124 00:49:27,569 --> 00:49:30,873 [Jerry] Hmm. Well, I have faith in you, sir. 1125 00:49:33,576 --> 00:49:35,713 What kind of faith are you talking about? 1126 00:49:38,982 --> 00:49:40,516 In my country... 1127 00:49:41,851 --> 00:49:43,854 there's very little reason for faith. 1128 00:49:44,788 --> 00:49:45,991 In this country, 1129 00:49:46,657 --> 00:49:48,492 you have every reason for faith. 1130 00:49:49,327 --> 00:49:50,395 I have faith. 1131 00:49:51,595 --> 00:49:52,731 You have faith? 1132 00:49:53,430 --> 00:49:55,467 I have a gut feeling about you, sir. 1133 00:49:58,102 --> 00:50:00,772 But you don't even know who I am, or what I am. 1134 00:50:00,970 --> 00:50:02,006 [Jerry chuckles] 1135 00:50:03,207 --> 00:50:05,606 You know there's two types of people in the world, right? 1136 00:50:05,608 --> 00:50:08,512 [stutters] What do you mean, two types of people? 1137 00:50:09,046 --> 00:50:10,714 [Simon] There's good souls, 1138 00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:12,382 - and there's assholes. - [Jerry chuckles] 1139 00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:14,887 How do you know I'm a good soul and not an asshole? 1140 00:50:16,020 --> 00:50:17,823 Faith, sir. Faith. 1141 00:50:19,056 --> 00:50:20,656 [laughter] 1142 00:50:20,658 --> 00:50:22,625 [Glen] The dog is cute. Roxy, that's her name. 1143 00:50:22,627 --> 00:50:25,027 We had a little compromise with the dog. 1144 00:50:25,029 --> 00:50:26,596 I wanted to get a male dog 1145 00:50:26,598 --> 00:50:28,531 so we'd have two neutered men in the family. 1146 00:50:28,533 --> 00:50:30,033 [laughter] 1147 00:50:30,035 --> 00:50:32,935 What happened was I took my daughter to see the puppies, 1148 00:50:32,937 --> 00:50:34,972 and she fell in love with a female, 1149 00:50:34,974 --> 00:50:36,773 and she named her Roxy, 1150 00:50:36,775 --> 00:50:41,512 because she has never been to a strip club before. 1151 00:50:41,514 --> 00:50:42,747 [laughter] 1152 00:50:42,749 --> 00:50:44,447 I know, it's such a stripper name! 1153 00:50:44,449 --> 00:50:46,751 If you're a guy, there's a list of names in your head 1154 00:50:46,753 --> 00:50:48,017 and they're not in your head all cutesy, 1155 00:50:48,019 --> 00:50:49,753 [high pitched] it's not like, "Roxy!" 1156 00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:52,391 [low pitched] It's like, "Roxay!" 1157 00:50:53,025 --> 00:50:54,457 "Coming to the dog park 1158 00:50:54,459 --> 00:50:57,795 right now, gentlemen, it's Roxay!" 1159 00:50:57,797 --> 00:50:59,029 [laughter] 1160 00:50:59,031 --> 00:51:01,433 I know, I feel creepy just calling this dog. 1161 00:51:01,435 --> 00:51:05,038 I say, "Roxy! Here girl..." [splutters] 1162 00:51:05,471 --> 00:51:06,737 "Who wants a big bone? 1163 00:51:06,739 --> 00:51:09,576 - Huh? Who wants it?" - [laughter] 1164 00:51:10,611 --> 00:51:12,879 - [Simon] Why are you so happy? - [Jerry laughs] 1165 00:51:14,013 --> 00:51:15,482 Look around you, sir. 1166 00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:17,448 And? 1167 00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:18,685 [Jerry] It is paradise. 1168 00:51:23,992 --> 00:51:25,594 This is paradise to you? 1169 00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:26,961 Very much so. 1170 00:51:30,632 --> 00:51:31,800 Fine. You know what? 1171 00:51:32,534 --> 00:51:34,802 I'll take that into consideration... 1172 00:51:35,836 --> 00:51:36,771 tonight. 1173 00:51:37,639 --> 00:51:40,876 And hopefully give myself a big break. 1174 00:51:43,143 --> 00:51:44,445 Hopefully. 1175 00:51:45,981 --> 00:51:46,883 Have faith, sir. 1176 00:51:48,551 --> 00:51:49,886 You have faith in life? 1177 00:51:51,854 --> 00:51:53,723 [Jerry] I'm grateful every morning. 1178 00:51:56,859 --> 00:51:57,861 For what? 1179 00:51:58,526 --> 00:51:59,561 [Jerry] For who I am. 1180 00:51:59,995 --> 00:52:03,866 For my... happiness, for my children. 1181 00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:06,669 For being alive. 1182 00:52:07,002 --> 00:52:08,538 [Simon] Ok. Nice. 1183 00:52:13,143 --> 00:52:15,579 My father always planned for the future. 1184 00:52:16,947 --> 00:52:19,049 But the future was short-lived for him. 1185 00:52:20,683 --> 00:52:21,918 What are you gonna do? 1186 00:52:23,152 --> 00:52:24,587 [cheers and applause] 1187 00:52:26,056 --> 00:52:28,188 I did a whole bunch of TV shows y'all might know, 1188 00:52:28,190 --> 00:52:31,059 I was on Growing Pains, I was on The Drew Carey Show, 1189 00:52:31,061 --> 00:52:33,495 I played Peaches, his hillbilly neighbor. 1190 00:52:33,497 --> 00:52:34,796 I was on The Golden Girls, 1191 00:52:34,798 --> 00:52:37,001 I was their next door neighbor Ms. Mary. 1192 00:52:37,267 --> 00:52:39,868 Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210, 1193 00:52:39,870 --> 00:52:42,504 I did nine covers of Playboy magazine 1194 00:52:42,506 --> 00:52:43,839 around the world, whoo hoo! 1195 00:52:43,841 --> 00:52:46,241 [whistles and cheers] 1196 00:52:46,243 --> 00:52:47,910 Thank you very much. 1197 00:52:47,912 --> 00:52:50,011 I'd just like everyone to know who I think I used to be. 1198 00:52:50,013 --> 00:52:50,981 [laughter] 1199 00:52:51,883 --> 00:52:53,915 'Cause what I really am is just a small town, 1200 00:52:53,917 --> 00:52:55,783 blue jean wearing, four-wheeler riding, 1201 00:52:55,785 --> 00:52:58,054 hillbilly talking, country music listening, 1202 00:52:58,056 --> 00:52:59,889 tailgate sitting, blowjob giving, 1203 00:52:59,891 --> 00:53:01,791 blue collar boy loving kind of gal. 1204 00:53:01,793 --> 00:53:03,663 [laughter and cheering] 1205 00:53:08,132 --> 00:53:09,565 Most of the people here, 1206 00:53:09,567 --> 00:53:11,000 when a Playboy Playmate's speaking, 1207 00:53:11,002 --> 00:53:15,639 it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah, blowjob giving, 1208 00:53:15,641 --> 00:53:17,677 wah wah wah wah." 1209 00:53:18,676 --> 00:53:21,814 I am sorry that he is not here to... 1210 00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:23,984 attend tonight. 1211 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:26,553 Me too. 1212 00:53:27,119 --> 00:53:28,218 Me too. 1213 00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:29,590 He was my biggest fan. 1214 00:53:29,988 --> 00:53:33,593 And he stuck by me when I was booed. 1215 00:53:34,026 --> 00:53:34,961 But he is here. 1216 00:53:39,298 --> 00:53:42,999 You have to forgive me, Jerry, for being a little cynical. 1217 00:53:43,001 --> 00:53:45,237 I really, truly, don't want to offend 1218 00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:48,674 what you believe in, in your... culture and your religion, 1219 00:53:48,676 --> 00:53:49,775 but I don't believe in that shit. 1220 00:53:49,777 --> 00:53:51,112 My father had faith, 1221 00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,181 so did my mother, and they're both gone. 1222 00:53:55,716 --> 00:53:57,852 Did they have a good life? Were they happy? 1223 00:54:00,187 --> 00:54:01,152 [Simon] Yeah, they were. 1224 00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,987 Well, I never saw my father on his deathbed, 1225 00:54:02,989 --> 00:54:05,290 because I didn't have the guts. 1226 00:54:05,292 --> 00:54:07,194 I didn't have the guts. 1227 00:54:07,761 --> 00:54:10,099 But my mother, yes. I was there when... 1228 00:54:10,731 --> 00:54:15,070 she had her last breath of life before they removed the... 1229 00:54:15,903 --> 00:54:17,639 the batteries from her. 1230 00:54:19,708 --> 00:54:20,976 Yeah, she was happy. 1231 00:54:24,646 --> 00:54:26,180 You were there for your mother. 1232 00:54:28,383 --> 00:54:30,920 That is a great blessing. 1233 00:54:33,622 --> 00:54:34,557 I agree. 1234 00:54:35,859 --> 00:54:39,062 I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy I was able to say bye to her. 1235 00:54:39,629 --> 00:54:42,933 And I'm disappointed in myself, to be honest with you, 1236 00:54:43,633 --> 00:54:45,832 that I didn't get a chance to say bye to my dad, 1237 00:54:45,834 --> 00:54:47,202 because I'm a fucking coward. 1238 00:54:48,136 --> 00:54:49,171 [Jerry grunts] 1239 00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,140 And the whole theory about, 1240 00:54:53,142 --> 00:54:55,712 you know, how black men supposedly are all so well-hung? 1241 00:54:56,011 --> 00:54:58,646 You think about the damage that does to black men 1242 00:54:58,648 --> 00:54:59,780 who are averagely hung? 1243 00:54:59,782 --> 00:55:01,782 [laughter] 1244 00:55:01,784 --> 00:55:04,284 Just think about how they have to walk around 1245 00:55:04,286 --> 00:55:06,887 knowing that one day they'll show their penis 1246 00:55:06,889 --> 00:55:09,324 and it's not going to be 12 inches flaccid. 1247 00:55:09,326 --> 00:55:10,992 [chuckles] 1248 00:55:10,994 --> 00:55:13,061 And just think of how awful they're going to feel 1249 00:55:13,063 --> 00:55:14,999 in comparison to the guys in porn. 1250 00:55:15,298 --> 00:55:18,636 Because that's the only place penises are actually that big. 1251 00:55:19,302 --> 00:55:21,671 Oh, there's a lady here who doubts that? 1252 00:55:21,673 --> 00:55:23,004 [laughter] 1253 00:55:23,006 --> 00:55:24,809 The guy sitting next to her is beaming. 1254 00:55:25,109 --> 00:55:26,676 - [man] Yeah. - Where's your hand? 1255 00:55:26,678 --> 00:55:27,877 Why's it under the table? 1256 00:55:27,879 --> 00:55:29,381 [laughter] 1257 00:55:30,214 --> 00:55:33,915 [Jerry] Let us not be so sad, you are a funny man. 1258 00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,750 You're going to perform tonight. 1259 00:55:35,752 --> 00:55:38,055 You are a very funny man. I know it! 1260 00:55:38,321 --> 00:55:40,455 What, are you from Jerry Seinfeld? 1261 00:55:40,457 --> 00:55:41,760 Who? 1262 00:55:42,359 --> 00:55:43,729 [Simon] It doesn't matter. 1263 00:55:44,328 --> 00:55:46,797 I gave you two jokes and you didn't laugh. 1264 00:55:46,799 --> 00:55:48,034 I don't understand it. 1265 00:55:50,168 --> 00:55:51,103 Try another one. 1266 00:55:52,237 --> 00:55:53,206 Nah... 1267 00:55:53,971 --> 00:55:55,137 But thank you, Jerry, 1268 00:55:55,139 --> 00:55:56,842 I really appreciate it, actually. 1269 00:55:58,409 --> 00:56:02,144 I did not want to take an Uber, because, I told my brother 1270 00:56:02,146 --> 00:56:03,746 "They all smell like curry." 1271 00:56:03,748 --> 00:56:05,949 - [Jerry] Hm? - But your car smells brand-new. 1272 00:56:05,951 --> 00:56:07,717 Because it is brand-new! 1273 00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:10,354 Next week, if I pick you up, it will smell like curry, but... 1274 00:56:10,356 --> 00:56:13,026 - [both chuckle] - That's funny. 1275 00:56:13,959 --> 00:56:16,761 At least you're honest... You're a good guy, Jerry! 1276 00:56:16,763 --> 00:56:17,865 Thank you, sir. 1277 00:56:18,865 --> 00:56:19,767 Are we close? 1278 00:56:20,066 --> 00:56:22,035 Three and a half minutes, sir. 1279 00:56:25,338 --> 00:56:26,839 Three and a half minutes. 1280 00:56:27,240 --> 00:56:28,439 [laughter] 1281 00:56:28,441 --> 00:56:30,107 Because I was a Playmate, 1282 00:56:30,109 --> 00:56:31,508 everybody just thinks I knew everything about sex. 1283 00:56:31,510 --> 00:56:33,113 Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh! 1284 00:56:34,148 --> 00:56:35,847 I was about to get married, 1285 00:56:35,849 --> 00:56:38,319 I didn't even know how to give a... blowjob! 1286 00:56:38,953 --> 00:56:40,351 And, um, then... 1287 00:56:40,353 --> 00:56:43,154 I couldn't go have that sex talk with my mama, 1288 00:56:43,156 --> 00:56:45,324 'cause she works in a church and it wasn't comfortable. 1289 00:56:45,326 --> 00:56:48,427 So I went to Ms. Mary, Hugh Hefner's secretary. 1290 00:56:48,429 --> 00:56:50,896 Does anybody watch The Girls Next Door show? 1291 00:56:50,898 --> 00:56:52,230 - Did y'all know that show? - [all] Yes! 1292 00:56:52,232 --> 00:56:54,166 Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is? 1293 00:56:54,168 --> 00:56:58,437 Mis. Mary was in her 70s when she gave me the sex talk. 1294 00:56:58,439 --> 00:56:59,974 And this is what she said. 1295 00:57:00,242 --> 00:57:02,542 She said: "Honey, you did know that 'blow' 1296 00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,544 was just an expression, right? 1297 00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:05,845 [chuckling] 1298 00:57:05,847 --> 00:57:07,249 It should be called 'suck it'." 1299 00:57:07,849 --> 00:57:10,385 [laughter] 1300 00:57:10,919 --> 00:57:12,285 I was doing pretty good. 1301 00:57:12,287 --> 00:57:14,153 [Jeff] I got these nice eyes, decent-size feet, 1302 00:57:14,155 --> 00:57:15,988 and these beautiful, beautiful hands. 1303 00:57:15,990 --> 00:57:17,524 [audience] Whoo! 1304 00:57:17,526 --> 00:57:20,096 What they didn't tell me is that if you're losing your hair, 1305 00:57:20,461 --> 00:57:22,163 none of that other shit matters. 1306 00:57:22,165 --> 00:57:23,867 [laughter] 1307 00:57:26,868 --> 00:57:28,738 I just recently started shaving my head. 1308 00:57:29,437 --> 00:57:32,475 I guess as an act of surrender on behalf of my hair, really. 1309 00:57:33,176 --> 00:57:35,042 It was obviously losing the war to my forehead 1310 00:57:35,044 --> 00:57:36,576 for dominance of my face. 1311 00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:38,447 [laughter] 1312 00:57:39,047 --> 00:57:40,484 The hair put up a great fight. 1313 00:57:40,949 --> 00:57:42,583 But the troops just kept retreating, 1314 00:57:42,585 --> 00:57:44,418 and retreating, and retreating... 1315 00:57:44,420 --> 00:57:45,790 - [laughter] - Yeah. 1316 00:57:46,990 --> 00:57:49,157 And then some of my forehead flanked them from the back. 1317 00:57:49,159 --> 00:57:52,296 [laughter and applause] 1318 00:57:53,963 --> 00:57:55,930 [Jerry] Are there any other famous comedians 1319 00:57:55,932 --> 00:57:57,300 like yourself tonight? 1320 00:57:58,202 --> 00:58:00,434 [Simon] Um, you know what, I'm really bad with names, 1321 00:58:00,436 --> 00:58:02,838 but yes, it's very... 1322 00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:06,006 People much more talented than me, people very famous. 1323 00:58:06,008 --> 00:58:08,343 I'm not famous at all, nobody knows me. 1324 00:58:08,345 --> 00:58:10,179 [Jerry] Oh, then this sounds like 1325 00:58:10,181 --> 00:58:12,050 an excellent opportunity for you. 1326 00:58:13,884 --> 00:58:15,953 Yeah, and I'm actually... 1327 00:58:17,955 --> 00:58:20,288 quite surprised, and trying to understand 1328 00:58:20,290 --> 00:58:22,493 why I have this opportunity, because.... 1329 00:58:23,093 --> 00:58:24,960 I think that I'm kind of... 1330 00:58:24,962 --> 00:58:26,531 Being a little honest with myself, 1331 00:58:27,297 --> 00:58:29,265 I don't believe I deserve this opportunity 1332 00:58:29,267 --> 00:58:31,002 because I've been very lazy. 1333 00:58:33,639 --> 00:58:36,809 [sighs] Opportunity does not come to those who deserve, 1334 00:58:37,208 --> 00:58:40,112 just like bad things happen to those who don't deserve. 1335 00:58:40,545 --> 00:58:44,049 You should just accept it, and not judge it. 1336 00:58:45,316 --> 00:58:47,251 So you're saying go with the flow? 1337 00:58:47,253 --> 00:58:50,123 [Jerry] Well, be grateful for the opportunity. 1338 00:58:52,458 --> 00:58:54,994 And kill! [laughs] 1339 00:58:55,226 --> 00:58:56,193 "Kill?" 1340 00:58:56,195 --> 00:58:57,498 Isn't that what they say? 1341 00:58:58,163 --> 00:59:00,267 [Simon] Yeah, yeah they do, actually. 1342 00:59:01,267 --> 00:59:04,003 I'll do my best, Jerry, I'll do my best. 1343 00:59:05,272 --> 00:59:07,138 [Ed] By the way, did you ever notice 1344 00:59:07,140 --> 00:59:08,672 that there's a lot of jokes you can't tell anymore? 1345 00:59:08,674 --> 00:59:11,475 Things have become so sensitive, there's jokes you can't tell. 1346 00:59:11,477 --> 00:59:15,048 Which, ok, I understand it, we're much more enlightened now. 1347 00:59:15,415 --> 00:59:16,413 But what will we do 1348 00:59:16,415 --> 00:59:18,649 with all those great Newfie and Polish jokes? 1349 00:59:18,651 --> 00:59:20,317 [laughter] 1350 00:59:20,319 --> 00:59:22,253 Who can be targets nowadays? 1351 00:59:22,255 --> 00:59:24,222 So, c'mon, the idea of a submarine 1352 00:59:24,224 --> 00:59:26,260 with a screen door, that's funny! 1353 00:59:27,561 --> 00:59:30,695 The idea of a mission to the sun that lands at night? 1354 00:59:30,697 --> 00:59:31,996 That's funny! 1355 00:59:31,998 --> 00:59:33,298 [laughter] 1356 00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:35,700 But now we can't attach it to any ethnicity. 1357 00:59:35,702 --> 00:59:37,635 What group can we still make fun of? 1358 00:59:37,637 --> 00:59:39,938 I'm thinking there's one group we can still make fun of 1359 00:59:39,940 --> 00:59:41,307 that everybody hates. 1360 00:59:41,309 --> 00:59:42,307 Old people. 1361 00:59:42,309 --> 00:59:43,508 [laughter] 1362 00:59:43,510 --> 00:59:46,645 Am I wrong? Everybody hates old people. 1363 00:59:46,647 --> 00:59:48,314 [laughter] 1364 00:59:48,316 --> 00:59:51,219 And let's face it, old people is your age plus 40. 1365 00:59:51,586 --> 00:59:53,153 [laughter] 1366 00:59:53,155 --> 00:59:54,990 Started losing my hair when I was 19. 1367 00:59:55,189 --> 00:59:58,126 - [audience] Ooh! - Yeah, didn't seem fair at all. 1368 00:59:58,526 --> 01:00:01,530 I went from one day I had to use a fake ID to get into a bar, 1369 01:00:02,229 --> 01:00:04,631 next day I'm getting a senior's discount at Denny's. 1370 01:00:04,633 --> 01:00:07,035 [laughter and applause] 1371 01:00:14,009 --> 01:00:16,210 We're almost there, Mr. Simon. 1372 01:00:16,212 --> 01:00:17,347 Are you rehearsing? 1373 01:00:20,583 --> 01:00:21,551 I never rehearse. 1374 01:00:25,320 --> 01:00:26,223 Never? 1375 01:00:27,556 --> 01:00:28,491 Never. 1376 01:00:29,493 --> 01:00:33,196 [Jerry] Then you must be perfect. [chuckles] 1377 01:00:34,064 --> 01:00:35,700 [Simon] I'm far from being perfect. 1378 01:00:36,233 --> 01:00:38,236 Maybe it's because I don't rehearse. 1379 01:00:39,269 --> 01:00:41,502 [Jerry] I have to rehearse everything I do 1380 01:00:41,504 --> 01:00:44,075 because I want to be perfect. [chuckling] 1381 01:00:45,108 --> 01:00:46,977 [Simon] Maybe that's what I should do. 1382 01:00:48,579 --> 01:00:50,544 Mr. Simon, remember what you said: 1383 01:00:50,546 --> 01:00:54,649 there are two kinds of people, good souls and assholes. 1384 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,120 You are a good soul. 1385 01:00:56,788 --> 01:00:58,090 You think? 1386 01:00:58,690 --> 01:01:00,359 - I know. - You really think? 1387 01:01:01,225 --> 01:01:02,157 I have faith. 1388 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:04,129 [turning signal] 1389 01:01:07,498 --> 01:01:08,399 Thank you, Jerry. 1390 01:01:10,067 --> 01:01:12,136 That means a lot to me, I appreciate it. 1391 01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:15,139 Maybe that's what I need. 1392 01:01:16,306 --> 01:01:17,575 I need a little faith. 1393 01:01:22,814 --> 01:01:26,682 Actually, I've been doing a lot of shows on cruise ships, 1394 01:01:26,684 --> 01:01:29,322 but that market's kind of dried up now. 1395 01:01:30,155 --> 01:01:31,120 So... 1396 01:01:31,122 --> 01:01:32,689 [laughter] 1397 01:01:32,691 --> 01:01:35,258 My favorite cruise ship thing recently... 1398 01:01:35,260 --> 01:01:37,760 That Italian one that went up on its side. 1399 01:01:37,762 --> 01:01:39,296 [audience] Aw! 1400 01:01:39,298 --> 01:01:41,564 - That captain, "Cap'n Crunch" - [laughter] 1401 01:01:41,566 --> 01:01:44,501 as I like to call him, you know what he did? 1402 01:01:44,503 --> 01:01:48,306 Basically he was trying to wave to a friend of his onshore, 1403 01:01:48,308 --> 01:01:50,607 and basically he did, like, the nautical equivalent 1404 01:01:50,609 --> 01:01:54,411 of buzzing the tower in a small plane, you know? 1405 01:01:54,413 --> 01:01:57,382 And he was off the ship, this guy, he was off the ship, 1406 01:01:57,384 --> 01:02:00,054 before the passengers, before the crew. 1407 01:02:00,319 --> 01:02:01,853 Right? And the excuses! 1408 01:02:01,855 --> 01:02:03,587 "Oh, it was dark! 1409 01:02:03,589 --> 01:02:05,589 It was dark, I fell in the lifeboat. 1410 01:02:05,591 --> 01:02:09,528 It started paddling by itself, I didn't know how to control it. 1411 01:02:09,530 --> 01:02:11,197 I know how to work the big ships, 1412 01:02:11,199 --> 01:02:13,631 these little ones are a mystery to me." 1413 01:02:13,633 --> 01:02:15,336 [laughter] 1414 01:02:17,104 --> 01:02:20,338 "Oh, I was just testing out, I was testing out the lifeboat 1415 01:02:20,340 --> 01:02:23,108 to make sure it was safe for the other passengers." 1416 01:02:23,110 --> 01:02:24,510 [laughter] 1417 01:02:24,512 --> 01:02:27,412 And I say, good thing this happened in Italy. 1418 01:02:27,414 --> 01:02:30,184 Right? Off the coast of Italy. 1419 01:02:30,450 --> 01:02:32,485 Because anywhere else in the world, 1420 01:02:32,487 --> 01:02:34,386 [mimics Italian accent] "Me no speaking English! 1421 01:02:34,388 --> 01:02:36,823 Boat go boom boom, she sink! I don't know what happened! 1422 01:02:36,825 --> 01:02:39,725 I'm just a guy standing here, boat sink over there! 1423 01:02:39,727 --> 01:02:42,328 Don't look at me, I'm standing here all day 1424 01:02:42,330 --> 01:02:44,897 minding my own business, boat sink over there. 1425 01:02:44,899 --> 01:02:47,234 Somebody help those people! Ahh! 1426 01:02:47,236 --> 01:02:49,236 Who put this uniform on me? 1427 01:02:49,238 --> 01:02:50,603 This is not my uniform! 1428 01:02:50,605 --> 01:02:53,676 I fell asleep, a man put a hat on my head..." 1429 01:02:57,447 --> 01:03:00,250 We're almost there, sir. I'm very excited for you. 1430 01:03:02,184 --> 01:03:03,487 I think I am too, now. 1431 01:03:04,154 --> 01:03:05,253 [Jerry chuckles] 1432 01:03:05,255 --> 01:03:06,523 [Simon] Thank you, Jerry. 1433 01:03:08,291 --> 01:03:09,493 Appreciate it. 1434 01:03:12,427 --> 01:03:13,663 On the house, sir. 1435 01:03:18,201 --> 01:03:21,106 Life is a series of moments. 1436 01:03:21,437 --> 01:03:23,805 And hopefully we will see each other again. 1437 01:03:23,807 --> 01:03:25,276 We may not, but if we do, 1438 01:03:25,542 --> 01:03:28,546 then that will be a sign of friendship. 1439 01:03:29,212 --> 01:03:31,415 And... another moment. 1440 01:03:32,515 --> 01:03:34,482 [Simon] You're very philosophical, there, Jerry. 1441 01:03:34,484 --> 01:03:36,287 But... you know what? 1442 01:03:37,321 --> 01:03:39,424 If I see you again, it'd be... 1443 01:03:40,557 --> 01:03:43,560 my honor and my pleasure to call you my friend. 1444 01:03:45,963 --> 01:03:48,299 You see? I am grateful. 1445 01:03:49,900 --> 01:03:54,436 You know Jerry, ironically, it is me who is grateful. 1446 01:03:54,438 --> 01:03:57,342 And usually I'm always the one that's ungrateful. 1447 01:03:57,576 --> 01:03:59,545 And I just realized something... 1448 01:04:00,811 --> 01:04:02,348 That I was very ungrateful 1449 01:04:03,315 --> 01:04:05,315 for a lot of great things in my life 1450 01:04:05,317 --> 01:04:06,719 to a lot of great people. 1451 01:04:07,953 --> 01:04:09,555 Thank you for that, Jerry. 1452 01:04:10,856 --> 01:04:12,325 No charge, sir. 1453 01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:14,760 No charge. 1454 01:04:17,229 --> 01:04:18,464 [smooth jazz] 1455 01:04:19,265 --> 01:04:23,470 ♪ Then one morning You looked into the mirror ♪ 1456 01:04:23,736 --> 01:04:27,774 ♪ And you noticed All the years of fear... ♪ 1457 01:04:29,941 --> 01:04:31,741 [Jerry] We are friends, now. 1458 01:04:31,743 --> 01:04:32,643 You need some sugar. 1459 01:04:32,645 --> 01:04:35,315 Give me a good luck hug! [hearty laughter] 1460 01:04:35,748 --> 01:04:40,487 ♪ That's something I'll never know ♪ 1461 01:04:41,020 --> 01:04:45,725 ♪ The last thing I remember I said hello ♪ 1462 01:04:47,027 --> 01:04:50,929 ♪ Where did my time go? ♪ 1463 01:04:50,931 --> 01:04:52,529 [applause] 1464 01:04:52,531 --> 01:04:56,572 - ♪ Please slow it down ♪ - [cheering] 1465 01:04:57,838 --> 01:05:01,776 ♪ Help me keep my feet On the ground... ♪ 1466 01:05:05,380 --> 01:05:07,749 - [Julie indistinct] - [cheers] 1467 01:05:09,684 --> 01:05:11,917 [grunts] The fuck, were you waiting there? 1468 01:05:11,919 --> 01:05:13,885 What's the matter with you? I thought you were dead! 1469 01:05:13,887 --> 01:05:15,988 - What do you mean, "dead"? - That you weren't coming. 1470 01:05:15,990 --> 01:05:17,490 - I told you I was. - [cheers] 1471 01:05:17,492 --> 01:05:19,524 I know. Hang on, listen, you're going last. 1472 01:05:19,526 --> 01:05:21,661 I don't wanna go last, that's a lot of pressure. 1473 01:05:21,663 --> 01:05:22,962 I know, but it's the best spot. 1474 01:05:22,964 --> 01:05:25,801 You'll be phenomenal. You're going last. 1475 01:05:26,701 --> 01:05:28,734 - That's Joseph Rogers. - Yeah, don't... 1476 01:05:28,736 --> 01:05:31,404 - Let me ask him a question. - Look, Simon, Simon... 1477 01:05:31,406 --> 01:05:33,609 - Excuse me, Joseph? - [cheers and applause] 1478 01:05:34,810 --> 01:05:35,745 Mr. Rogers. 1479 01:05:39,681 --> 01:05:42,551 Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you a question? Please? 1480 01:05:43,752 --> 01:05:45,555 [sighs] What? 1481 01:05:45,921 --> 01:05:47,322 You've been writing a column 1482 01:05:47,324 --> 01:05:48,691 for as long as I've been doing this, 1483 01:05:49,092 --> 01:05:51,829 how come you've never written anything about me? 1484 01:05:52,695 --> 01:05:54,898 'Cause I only write about comedians. 1485 01:05:59,336 --> 01:06:00,771 [cheering] 1486 01:06:03,572 --> 01:06:06,106 I got a few beauty tips for the girls. 1487 01:06:06,108 --> 01:06:08,710 Listen, instead of getting Botox in your forehead 1488 01:06:08,712 --> 01:06:10,678 like all the pinup gals do, 1489 01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:12,881 um, I recommend bangs. 1490 01:06:12,883 --> 01:06:14,449 [laughter] 1491 01:06:14,451 --> 01:06:16,854 It's a whole lot cheaper and a lot less painful. 1492 01:06:18,788 --> 01:06:20,689 [Ed indistinct in background] 1493 01:06:20,691 --> 01:06:22,826 - You know me? - [Mike] I know who you are. 1494 01:06:23,026 --> 01:06:24,859 Means a lot to me. Thanks, appreciate it. 1495 01:06:24,861 --> 01:06:27,129 Don't worry about it now. You have a great show tonight. 1496 01:06:27,131 --> 01:06:28,129 Thank you, Mr. Marino. 1497 01:06:28,131 --> 01:06:29,834 - Kill 'em. - Thanks. 1498 01:06:31,134 --> 01:06:32,672 [applause] 1499 01:06:35,139 --> 01:06:37,139 I'm not the sock, I'm nobody's puppet, 1500 01:06:37,141 --> 01:06:38,508 don't you be either. 1501 01:06:38,510 --> 01:06:40,345 [laughter and applause] 1502 01:06:41,146 --> 01:06:42,615 Thank you! 1503 01:06:42,947 --> 01:06:45,949 Aww! My time is up! 1504 01:06:45,951 --> 01:06:48,353 Give it up for Julie McCollough, everybody! 1505 01:06:48,619 --> 01:06:51,757 Thank y'all very much! Thank you for having me! 1506 01:06:53,057 --> 01:06:55,527 Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. 1507 01:06:56,495 --> 01:06:58,497 Have yourselves a great evening. 1508 01:06:59,631 --> 01:07:01,500 [Freddy] Give it up for him! 1509 01:07:02,868 --> 01:07:05,571 What a great crowd! I love you! [smack] 1510 01:07:06,872 --> 01:07:10,443 Enjoy yourselves. Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. 1511 01:07:10,642 --> 01:07:12,678 Thank you very much, have a good night. 1512 01:07:13,845 --> 01:07:15,514 [cheering] 1513 01:07:17,649 --> 01:07:18,984 Ladies and gentlemen, 1514 01:07:19,484 --> 01:07:20,786 this man, once he retired 1515 01:07:20,788 --> 01:07:22,454 from quarterbacking the Miami Dolphins 1516 01:07:22,456 --> 01:07:23,822 decided to become a comedian, 1517 01:07:23,824 --> 01:07:27,057 please welcome the very, very funny Mike Marino! 1518 01:07:27,059 --> 01:07:29,193 [cheers and applause] 1519 01:07:29,195 --> 01:07:31,431 Come on folks, make some noise! 1520 01:07:33,199 --> 01:07:34,501 Come on, let's go! 1521 01:07:39,505 --> 01:07:40,875 Thanks, appreciate it. 1522 01:07:41,474 --> 01:07:42,706 Hey folks, one more time 1523 01:07:42,708 --> 01:07:44,074 for all these great entertainers. 1524 01:07:44,076 --> 01:07:45,611 Come on, ain't they fantastic? 1525 01:07:45,613 --> 01:07:47,015 [cheering] 1526 01:07:49,082 --> 01:07:51,017 Thank you so much for letting me come over. 1527 01:07:51,019 --> 01:07:53,618 It's fantastic, I'm very happy to be here. 1528 01:07:53,620 --> 01:07:55,086 My name is Mike Marino, I'm Italian, 1529 01:07:55,088 --> 01:07:58,457 I'm from a small place in Italy called New Jersey. 1530 01:07:58,459 --> 01:08:00,625 [laughter] 1531 01:08:00,627 --> 01:08:02,028 Yeah, make sure you laugh at what I say, 1532 01:08:02,030 --> 01:08:04,966 I ain't even a comedian, this is community service. 1533 01:08:06,667 --> 01:08:07,899 I like being Italian. 1534 01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,503 Growing up, a lot of people never believed 1535 01:08:09,505 --> 01:08:10,904 that I came from an Italian family 1536 01:08:10,906 --> 01:08:13,005 'cause I'm light skinned and have blue eyes. 1537 01:08:13,007 --> 01:08:15,074 Tell you people in this room right now, full-blood Italian, 1538 01:08:15,076 --> 01:08:17,913 both my parents born in Italy. And I can prove that. 1539 01:08:18,247 --> 01:08:20,714 [laughter] 1540 01:08:20,716 --> 01:08:22,715 I'm 55 years old, 1541 01:08:22,717 --> 01:08:24,718 and I still live at home with my ma. 1542 01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:27,023 [laughter and applause] 1543 01:08:31,659 --> 01:08:33,862 Don't worry about it, I see it in your face. 1544 01:08:33,864 --> 01:08:36,734 You're gonna have a good set, don't worry about it. 1545 01:08:37,100 --> 01:08:38,232 - Alright? - Thanks. 1546 01:08:38,234 --> 01:08:40,768 [Mike indistinct] 1547 01:08:40,770 --> 01:08:42,606 Get 'em! Break a leg! 1548 01:08:43,507 --> 01:08:45,075 [laughter] 1549 01:08:46,609 --> 01:08:48,009 We think we need to involve Italian people 1550 01:08:48,011 --> 01:08:49,743 in more things in this world, we wouldn't have 1551 01:08:49,745 --> 01:08:51,545 half the problems we've got, right? 1552 01:08:51,547 --> 01:08:53,014 - [audience] Yeah! - Think about it. 1553 01:08:53,016 --> 01:08:55,517 I don't like what the president is doing in the U.S. 1554 01:08:55,519 --> 01:08:56,885 We need a nice, Italian president 1555 01:08:56,887 --> 01:08:58,621 from New Jersey to take over. 1556 01:08:58,623 --> 01:09:00,826 - [audience] Yeah! - I'd make a great president. 1557 01:09:01,558 --> 01:09:02,891 I was running for a year and a half, 1558 01:09:02,893 --> 01:09:04,894 I shoulda been in there, I woulda been perfect. 1559 01:09:04,896 --> 01:09:07,966 "Make America Italian Again," that's the slogan. 1560 01:09:10,668 --> 01:09:11,937 That's right. 1561 01:09:12,637 --> 01:09:13,969 I had great ideas. 1562 01:09:13,971 --> 01:09:15,738 I wouldn't have even needed four years. 1563 01:09:15,740 --> 01:09:17,072 Three months, straighten out the whole country. 1564 01:09:17,074 --> 01:09:18,640 Done, perfect. 1565 01:09:18,642 --> 01:09:20,041 They'd ask me questions, 1566 01:09:20,043 --> 01:09:22,645 like how did I end wars in foreign countries. 1567 01:09:22,647 --> 01:09:24,280 "Hey Mr. President, you took care 1568 01:09:24,282 --> 01:09:27,249 of that problem in North Korea, can you tell us what you did?" 1569 01:09:27,251 --> 01:09:28,918 I'd be on national television 1570 01:09:28,920 --> 01:09:30,319 dressed up in a three-piece suit, 1571 01:09:30,321 --> 01:09:33,023 but I have my Cabinet behind me, you know my Cabinet? 1572 01:09:33,025 --> 01:09:35,928 Anthony, Nicky, Joey, Sally, Tony... 1573 01:09:36,928 --> 01:09:38,761 Like, "Mr. President, what happened?" 1574 01:09:38,763 --> 01:09:41,631 I'd be like, "Oh, you mean out there in North Korea, 1575 01:09:41,633 --> 01:09:43,001 with the guy and the thing? 1576 01:09:43,335 --> 01:09:44,802 [laughter] 1577 01:09:44,804 --> 01:09:46,038 Well, here's what happened. 1578 01:09:46,339 --> 01:09:49,676 We went out there to talk to him, and then, uh... 1579 01:09:50,577 --> 01:09:51,842 I don't know what happened." 1580 01:09:51,844 --> 01:09:53,212 [laughter and applause] 1581 01:09:53,679 --> 01:09:54,847 Yeah. 1582 01:09:57,649 --> 01:09:58,785 "But he's gone now. 1583 01:09:59,117 --> 01:10:01,218 And there's nothing you can do about it." 1584 01:10:01,220 --> 01:10:03,087 [laughter] 1585 01:10:03,089 --> 01:10:04,888 I always wanted to be on television 1586 01:10:04,890 --> 01:10:06,222 during the debates. 1587 01:10:06,224 --> 01:10:08,092 'Cause if you remember during the debates, 1588 01:10:08,094 --> 01:10:09,760 they made fun of each other on national television, 1589 01:10:09,762 --> 01:10:11,095 and you don't do that shit. 1590 01:10:11,097 --> 01:10:12,763 That shows weakness in foreign countries. 1591 01:10:12,765 --> 01:10:14,735 Imagine them making fun of a guy like me. 1592 01:10:15,069 --> 01:10:17,235 Then the Master of Ceremonies looks at me and says, 1593 01:10:17,237 --> 01:10:19,204 "Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump just made fun of you 1594 01:10:19,206 --> 01:10:22,644 on national television. Would you like a rebuttal?" 1595 01:10:23,210 --> 01:10:24,645 I'd say, "Yes I would! 1596 01:10:25,311 --> 01:10:27,111 Go to a commercial break." 1597 01:10:27,113 --> 01:10:28,815 [laughter] 1598 01:10:29,682 --> 01:10:30,949 Then we come back from break, 1599 01:10:30,951 --> 01:10:32,818 you can't find either of them anywhere. 1600 01:10:32,820 --> 01:10:34,252 [audience] Ooh! 1601 01:10:34,254 --> 01:10:35,921 [Mike] Then they look at me and go, "What happened?" 1602 01:10:35,923 --> 01:10:38,157 I'm like, "Ah... I don't know what happened." 1603 01:10:38,159 --> 01:10:39,128 [laughter] 1604 01:10:43,198 --> 01:10:44,831 "But they're gone now, 1605 01:10:44,833 --> 01:10:46,902 and there's nothing you can do about it." 1606 01:10:47,901 --> 01:10:49,137 [cheers and applause] 1607 01:10:49,738 --> 01:10:50,873 C'mon, people. 1608 01:10:56,145 --> 01:10:58,147 - [Mike continues indistinct] - It's ok. 1609 01:10:58,947 --> 01:10:59,915 It's ok. 1610 01:11:00,916 --> 01:11:02,352 We know you want to be a comedian. 1611 01:11:03,285 --> 01:11:05,155 And you're talented. You're funny. 1612 01:11:05,754 --> 01:11:09,088 You are a funny man, you're going to perform tonight. 1613 01:11:09,090 --> 01:11:11,760 You are a very funny man. I know it! 1614 01:11:12,128 --> 01:11:14,161 [laughter] 1615 01:11:14,163 --> 01:11:17,698 Folks, I actually just came back from doing a USO comedy tour. 1616 01:11:17,700 --> 01:11:20,200 I went to Afghanistan, Baghdad, Kuwait. 1617 01:11:20,202 --> 01:11:22,106 I went to go entertain the troops. 1618 01:11:22,438 --> 01:11:23,773 Right? 1619 01:11:25,741 --> 01:11:26,975 Now, if you guys remember, 1620 01:11:26,977 --> 01:11:28,877 when we first went to war out there, 1621 01:11:28,879 --> 01:11:30,211 France didn't want to help America. 1622 01:11:30,213 --> 01:11:31,215 Y'all remember that? 1623 01:11:31,447 --> 01:11:33,181 France didn't want to help America. 1624 01:11:33,183 --> 01:11:35,850 So I told the troops if I ran the country 1625 01:11:35,852 --> 01:11:37,785 and France didn't want to help America, 1626 01:11:37,787 --> 01:11:40,055 I'd cut the head off the Statue of Liberty 1627 01:11:40,057 --> 01:11:42,193 and send it back to France as a warning. 1628 01:11:42,392 --> 01:11:44,994 [laughter] 1629 01:11:44,996 --> 01:11:47,096 People, don't make me paint a picture for you. 1630 01:11:47,098 --> 01:11:48,798 Imagine the French ambassador 1631 01:11:48,800 --> 01:11:50,331 seeing the head of the Statue of Liberty 1632 01:11:50,333 --> 01:11:52,170 come floating back in on a boat. 1633 01:11:53,136 --> 01:11:54,937 Ok, but there's no body parts, 1634 01:11:54,939 --> 01:11:57,740 just a head all fucked up with an icepick in the eye. 1635 01:11:57,742 --> 01:11:59,208 [laughter] 1636 01:11:59,210 --> 01:12:00,809 That's sending a message. 1637 01:12:00,811 --> 01:12:02,178 [audience] Oh! 1638 01:12:02,180 --> 01:12:04,013 C'mon you wanna talk about discrimination? 1639 01:12:04,015 --> 01:12:06,348 Whenever the Italians are on television or movies, 1640 01:12:06,350 --> 01:12:07,819 what do they make us play? 1641 01:12:08,087 --> 01:12:09,452 - [audience] Mob. - Mafia, right? 1642 01:12:09,454 --> 01:12:11,388 That's discrimination against the Italians. 1643 01:12:11,390 --> 01:12:14,291 And all I ever wanted to play was a mob boss in a mob movie 1644 01:12:14,293 --> 01:12:16,826 and I've been in two of 'em, and in both of them 1645 01:12:16,828 --> 01:12:18,961 I was the Irish cop that got whacked 1646 01:12:18,963 --> 01:12:20,296 in the first 60 seconds. 1647 01:12:20,298 --> 01:12:21,934 [laughter] 1648 01:12:23,935 --> 01:12:25,501 Get the Italians are on some better shows. 1649 01:12:25,503 --> 01:12:27,269 You know, more educational type shows 1650 01:12:27,271 --> 01:12:28,240 for the children. 1651 01:12:29,240 --> 01:12:30,307 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1652 01:12:30,309 --> 01:12:32,009 You guys remember the movie The Sixth Sense? 1653 01:12:32,011 --> 01:12:33,443 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1654 01:12:33,445 --> 01:12:35,378 That would be a good place for an Italian actor. 1655 01:12:35,380 --> 01:12:38,185 Because then that little boy would've been considered a rat. 1656 01:12:38,383 --> 01:12:39,719 [laughter] 1657 01:12:40,853 --> 01:12:43,153 Think about it, he woulda went, "I see dead people!" 1658 01:12:43,155 --> 01:12:44,522 Guy woulda said, "Shut the fuck up. 1659 01:12:44,524 --> 01:12:45,890 You don't see nobody. 1660 01:12:45,892 --> 01:12:46,991 [laughter] 1661 01:12:46,993 --> 01:12:48,262 We buried them good. 1662 01:12:49,128 --> 01:12:51,128 Next dead person you gonna see gonna be you. 1663 01:12:51,130 --> 01:12:52,497 Now go look for yourself." 1664 01:12:52,499 --> 01:12:53,734 - [laughter] - [audience] Ohh! 1665 01:12:55,134 --> 01:12:58,870 [Mike] And naturally you people know most of the craziest trials 1666 01:12:58,872 --> 01:13:00,972 come out of California. Don't they, folks? 1667 01:13:00,974 --> 01:13:03,141 You see the trials that come out of California: 1668 01:13:03,143 --> 01:13:06,278 O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson, Robert Blake... 1669 01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:08,012 Even the whole Michael Jackson trial 1670 01:13:08,014 --> 01:13:09,950 to me was like a California event. 1671 01:13:10,151 --> 01:13:11,917 'Cause I always tell the people there 1672 01:13:11,919 --> 01:13:13,519 if they ever killed anybody from New York or New Jersey, 1673 01:13:13,521 --> 01:13:16,124 that shit never would've made it to a trial. 1674 01:13:16,322 --> 01:13:18,090 [audience] Ooh! 1675 01:13:18,092 --> 01:13:20,028 C'mon people, don't make me paint a picture for you here. 1676 01:13:20,862 --> 01:13:24,734 Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed someone from an Italian family. 1677 01:13:25,065 --> 01:13:27,267 That judge woulda asked the family one time, 1678 01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:30,473 "Does the family wish to press charges?" 1679 01:13:31,005 --> 01:13:33,007 Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha... 1680 01:13:34,341 --> 01:13:35,310 No. 1681 01:13:36,278 --> 01:13:37,446 Let him go." 1682 01:13:38,046 --> 01:13:39,749 Yeah, "We forgive him. 1683 01:13:40,549 --> 01:13:43,951 Better yet, judge, we'll drive him home from here. 1684 01:13:43,953 --> 01:13:45,885 [laughter] 1685 01:13:45,887 --> 01:13:49,258 Vinny! Get the bat, O.J. is coming over." 1686 01:13:49,992 --> 01:13:51,925 That's my time, you guys have been a great crowd. 1687 01:13:51,927 --> 01:13:53,160 - I'm Mike Marino. - [cheering] 1688 01:13:53,162 --> 01:13:54,765 Thank you very much, folks. 1689 01:13:55,131 --> 01:13:56,897 - Thank you, buddy. - Appreciate it. 1690 01:13:56,899 --> 01:13:58,301 Mike Marino, everybody! 1691 01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:05,342 Mike Marino! 1692 01:14:07,909 --> 01:14:09,310 Mike Marino, ladies and gentlemen. 1693 01:14:09,312 --> 01:14:11,846 That man is going places. Is he funny or what? 1694 01:14:11,848 --> 01:14:12,984 [all] Yeah! 1695 01:14:14,951 --> 01:14:16,220 Alright, now... 1696 01:14:17,454 --> 01:14:20,224 Now I have to tell you that this last guest 1697 01:14:21,158 --> 01:14:23,058 warms my heart, that I have the opportunity 1698 01:14:23,060 --> 01:14:25,126 to be on this stage in my own place 1699 01:14:25,128 --> 01:14:26,497 and do this introduction. 1700 01:14:27,097 --> 01:14:30,232 Ladies and gentlemen, in his Basement debut, 1701 01:14:30,234 --> 01:14:33,435 my personal friend Simon McCabe. 1702 01:14:33,437 --> 01:14:34,569 Give it up for Simon! 1703 01:14:34,571 --> 01:14:36,307 [cheering] 1704 01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:42,914 Simon! 1705 01:14:54,558 --> 01:14:56,927 Thank you very much, it's very kind of you. 1706 01:14:56,929 --> 01:14:59,495 So, ladies and gentlemen, if you were to win the lottery, 1707 01:14:59,497 --> 01:15:00,931 or you make a lot of money, 1708 01:15:00,933 --> 01:15:02,531 what's the first thing you're gonna do? 1709 01:15:02,533 --> 01:15:04,002 You're gonna buy a car. 1710 01:15:05,136 --> 01:15:06,973 A nice car if you're a guy, right? 1711 01:15:07,305 --> 01:15:09,373 So this penguin wins a million dollars... 1712 01:15:09,375 --> 01:15:11,010 [laughter] 1713 01:15:11,943 --> 01:15:14,912 ...and he buys a brand new 2018 Camaro. 1714 01:15:14,914 --> 01:15:16,646 It's gorgeous, it's beautiful. 1715 01:15:16,648 --> 01:15:18,080 He loves this car. 1716 01:15:18,082 --> 01:15:19,382 So he's driving on a highway, 1717 01:15:19,384 --> 01:15:21,619 and he hears a knock on the engine. 1718 01:15:21,621 --> 01:15:23,290 It's about 11:55 a.m. 1719 01:15:23,622 --> 01:15:27,458 So he goes to a GM dealership, which was right off the highway. 1720 01:15:27,460 --> 01:15:29,262 And he goes, "Listen... 1721 01:15:29,628 --> 01:15:31,098 [laughter] 1722 01:15:34,134 --> 01:15:35,666 ...there's a knock on the fucking engine. 1723 01:15:35,668 --> 01:15:39,003 I love this car. I love it, it's my first serious car." 1724 01:15:39,005 --> 01:15:41,004 So the service advisor says, 1725 01:15:41,006 --> 01:15:42,942 "Listen, it's 11:55, it's a union shop, 1726 01:15:43,243 --> 01:15:44,943 everybody goes to lunch at twelve o'clock. 1727 01:15:44,945 --> 01:15:46,946 There's a Dairy Queen across the street, go over there. 1728 01:15:46,948 --> 01:15:50,151 Get yourself an ice cream. After lunch we'll look at it." 1729 01:15:50,551 --> 01:15:51,887 Penguin goes, "Ok." 1730 01:15:52,352 --> 01:15:53,551 [laughter] 1731 01:15:53,553 --> 01:15:55,554 Goes across, one o'clock he shuffles back, 1732 01:15:55,556 --> 01:15:58,260 he's got this triple-decker vanilla ice cream. 1733 01:15:59,459 --> 01:16:00,494 Goes to the guy, 1734 01:16:01,462 --> 01:16:03,261 "Did you get a chance to look at my car?" 1735 01:16:03,263 --> 01:16:05,030 Goes, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." 1736 01:16:05,032 --> 01:16:07,435 He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing is licking the ice cream." 1737 01:16:10,605 --> 01:16:12,208 Thank you. You're very kind. 1738 01:16:19,047 --> 01:16:21,180 So a friend of mine... 1739 01:16:21,182 --> 01:16:22,716 Any dog people? You guys like dogs? 1740 01:16:22,718 --> 01:16:24,186 - Yeah! - Yes. 1741 01:16:24,453 --> 01:16:26,185 You can tell a lot about a human being 1742 01:16:26,187 --> 01:16:27,420 if they're a dog guy. 1743 01:16:27,422 --> 01:16:29,021 But some people get carried away, 1744 01:16:29,023 --> 01:16:30,390 everybody thinks their dog's the smartest. 1745 01:16:30,392 --> 01:16:31,757 They post them on Facebook... 1746 01:16:31,759 --> 01:16:33,461 But this guy took his dog everywhere. 1747 01:16:33,463 --> 01:16:35,096 So he's in a bar and his friend goes, 1748 01:16:35,098 --> 01:16:36,529 "You know, it's a little weird 1749 01:16:36,531 --> 01:16:38,099 that you go everywhere with your dog." 1750 01:16:38,101 --> 01:16:40,570 He goes, "My dog is a fucking genius. 1751 01:16:41,004 --> 01:16:42,569 My dog can do anything." 1752 01:16:42,571 --> 01:16:44,672 The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes, "Watch this. Rover, come here. 1753 01:16:44,674 --> 01:16:46,207 Go get me a gin and tonic." 1754 01:16:46,209 --> 01:16:48,211 [pants] "Alright." Dog goes to the bar... 1755 01:16:50,379 --> 01:16:52,214 [chuckling] 1756 01:16:52,781 --> 01:16:54,347 He goes, "What are you drinking?" 1757 01:16:54,349 --> 01:16:56,450 "Very dry martini, dirty, with one olive." 1758 01:16:56,452 --> 01:16:59,588 "Rover, dry martini, dirty with one olive." 1759 01:16:59,590 --> 01:17:00,688 [pants] "Alright." 1760 01:17:00,690 --> 01:17:02,961 [laughter] 1761 01:17:05,662 --> 01:17:08,629 So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog knows how to make drinks." 1762 01:17:08,631 --> 01:17:10,565 He goes, "My dog's a genius, he can do anything." 1763 01:17:10,567 --> 01:17:12,034 He goes, "Let's put him to the test. 1764 01:17:12,036 --> 01:17:13,270 I'll give him 20 dollars, 1765 01:17:13,470 --> 01:17:16,574 tell him to get me a small Marlborough. 1766 01:17:17,306 --> 01:17:20,244 Regular. And bring me back the exact change." 1767 01:17:20,444 --> 01:17:22,014 "Rover, 20 bucks, 1768 01:17:22,413 --> 01:17:24,546 small Marlborough, regular. 1769 01:17:24,548 --> 01:17:25,781 Bring back the change." 1770 01:17:25,783 --> 01:17:27,385 [pants] "Alright". Dog leaves. 1771 01:17:28,653 --> 01:17:30,585 Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes goes by, 1772 01:17:30,587 --> 01:17:33,321 guy goes, "You know what? Your dog's fucked, 1773 01:17:33,323 --> 01:17:35,791 he's stupid, he's just a dog, and I lost 20 bucks." 1774 01:17:35,793 --> 01:17:37,692 He goes, "No way. Something's wrong. 1775 01:17:37,694 --> 01:17:39,295 My dog wouldn't do this." 1776 01:17:39,297 --> 01:17:41,063 So they go looking for him all over the place. 1777 01:17:41,065 --> 01:17:42,464 Finally get to a park... 1778 01:17:42,466 --> 01:17:44,367 "Rover, Rover!" They looked and there's Rover 1779 01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:46,569 banging the hell out of this French poodle. 1780 01:17:46,571 --> 01:17:48,104 [laughter] 1781 01:17:48,106 --> 01:17:49,473 So guy taps him on the back goes, 1782 01:17:49,475 --> 01:17:51,140 "Rover, you never did this before." 1783 01:17:51,142 --> 01:17:52,511 [pants] "I never had the money." 1784 01:17:54,146 --> 01:17:55,315 Thank you. 1785 01:17:57,216 --> 01:17:59,018 [cheering] 1786 01:18:00,485 --> 01:18:02,187 Simon McCabe! 1787 01:18:03,689 --> 01:18:05,158 [jazz music] 1788 01:18:20,307 --> 01:18:22,576 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 1789 01:18:26,146 --> 01:18:29,383 ♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪ 1790 01:18:32,219 --> 01:18:35,456 ♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪ 1791 01:18:37,657 --> 01:18:41,529 ♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪ 1792 01:18:43,798 --> 01:18:47,435 ♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪ 1793 01:18:49,737 --> 01:18:55,176 ♪ And sometimes Things never seem the same ♪ 1794 01:19:01,483 --> 01:19:05,354 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 1795 01:19:07,221 --> 01:19:08,687 ♪ Can you just grab my hand ♪ 1796 01:19:08,689 --> 01:19:12,527 ♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪ 1797 01:19:13,561 --> 01:19:18,434 ♪ Because everyone ♪ 1798 01:19:19,333 --> 01:19:23,106 ♪ Has a moment of grace ♪ 1799 01:19:23,306 --> 01:19:25,238 ♪ Save face ♪ 1800 01:19:25,240 --> 01:19:28,645 ♪ Sometimes the wind blows The branch all the way back ♪ 1801 01:19:30,913 --> 01:19:34,350 ♪ And it just can't hold on And it snaps ♪ 1802 01:19:37,319 --> 01:19:39,288 ♪ But I'm saying our love ♪ 1803 01:19:39,556 --> 01:19:41,859 ♪ Has a destiny ♪ 1804 01:19:42,824 --> 01:19:45,796 ♪ And it's something That you and me ♪ 1805 01:19:46,230 --> 01:19:48,398 ♪ Can see ♪ 1806 01:19:49,532 --> 01:19:52,536 ♪ Sometimes things change I know... ♪ 1807 01:19:55,438 --> 01:19:56,805 I just sold my first car 1808 01:19:56,807 --> 01:19:58,707 and I totally grossed the piss out of this guy. 1809 01:19:58,709 --> 01:19:59,808 And cut. Keep rolling. 1810 01:19:59,810 --> 01:20:00,809 Do it again. 1811 01:20:00,811 --> 01:20:01,976 -You pissed the gross... 1812 01:20:01,978 --> 01:20:03,912 - I pissed the gross right out of him. 1813 01:20:03,914 --> 01:20:05,814 - You got it? - Can you do another one? 1814 01:20:05,816 --> 01:20:07,082 - No. - [beep] 1815 01:20:07,084 --> 01:20:09,452 I don't believe in that shit. You've got to make a right here. 1816 01:20:09,454 --> 01:20:11,654 Yeah, but this goes north. I want to go south. 1817 01:20:11,656 --> 01:20:13,388 Yeah, so we can't go south this way, 1818 01:20:13,390 --> 01:20:14,423 - I fucked up. - [beep] 1819 01:20:14,425 --> 01:20:16,458 Why are we fucking talking? 1820 01:20:16,460 --> 01:20:17,695 What's going on here? 1821 01:20:18,429 --> 01:20:20,696 What's going on here? Didn't you say "action"? 1822 01:20:20,698 --> 01:20:21,897 - Yeah. - [beep] 1823 01:20:21,899 --> 01:20:23,399 Keep that fucking thing up there, brother. 1824 01:20:23,401 --> 01:20:24,833 I love you. I don't wanna... 1825 01:20:24,835 --> 01:20:26,535 it's not a Canadian movie where we'll get knocked out 1826 01:20:26,537 --> 01:20:28,303 - with a fucking boom. - [beep] 1827 01:20:28,305 --> 01:20:30,306 I haven't been to bed yet, guys. 1828 01:20:30,308 --> 01:20:31,642 How can I fucking work without sleep, dude? 1829 01:20:31,644 --> 01:20:33,310 - Who can remember all this shit? - [beep] 1830 01:20:33,312 --> 01:20:34,848 Action! Action. 1831 01:20:35,348 --> 01:20:36,480 Start again. 1832 01:20:36,482 --> 01:20:37,748 Do it again, do it again. Hang on. 1833 01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:40,017 - I want it to be fluid, ok? - Ok. 1834 01:20:40,019 --> 01:20:41,317 - Action. - [beep] 1835 01:20:41,319 --> 01:20:42,555 See this here? 1836 01:20:42,854 --> 01:20:44,454 You know I love you, right? 1837 01:20:44,456 --> 01:20:46,522 But every time you do this, it gets lower and lower. 1838 01:20:46,524 --> 01:20:48,258 - You trying to kill me? - [beep] 1839 01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:49,862 Your favorite wine, Simon? 1840 01:20:50,263 --> 01:20:51,495 Please. 1841 01:20:51,497 --> 01:20:52,896 Fuck it. Do it again. 1842 01:20:52,898 --> 01:20:54,831 I'm not going to see it, but she's going to see it. 1843 01:20:54,833 --> 01:20:56,334 [beep] 1844 01:20:56,336 --> 01:20:58,372 I need menus, and I need two more of these. 1845 01:20:59,472 --> 01:21:02,339 - [beep] - Get out of my shot, people. 1846 01:21:02,341 --> 01:21:04,511 - [beep] - Hey Ed, I can hear you. 1847 01:21:05,345 --> 01:21:06,777 - Ed, I can hear you. - [beep] 1848 01:21:06,779 --> 01:21:07,881 What's happening, bro? 1849 01:21:08,382 --> 01:21:10,618 - [Simon] Sun tanning my balls. - [laughs] 1850 01:21:11,917 --> 01:21:13,351 - [beep] - [laughing] 1851 01:21:13,353 --> 01:21:15,288 What a world they live in. 1852 01:21:16,657 --> 01:21:18,391 [music crescendo] 1853 01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:21,363 ♪ I believe ♪ 1854 01:21:23,698 --> 01:21:27,369 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 1855 01:21:27,371 --> 01:21:29,695 Subtitles by explosiveskull 134214