Original subtitles

( Jazz music playing )

Happy Valentine's Day, sir.

Did you decide what to get for Miss Fine?

Yes... nothing.

Oh, you can't get her the same thing that you got me.

Oh, I just thought it could be misconstrued

if I got her something too personal.

So I found this very funny card.

On the front it says, "What rhymes with cupid?"

Then you open it up and inside there's a mirror and it says,

"Happy Valentine's Day, Stupid!"

( laughs )

Oh, Miss Fine, it's you.

No, it is not. It's Stupid.

( Chuckles )

Now, that's funny.

How could you? It's Valentine's Day,

the most romantic holiday of the entire year.

Well... I just thought if I got you a sentimental card

that said, you know, I love you,

you might go and misinterpret it.

Moi?

Well, it has been known to happen.

We wake up in bed together, you misinterpret it.

We end up naked in the jacuzzi, you misinterpret it.

And then just because I asked you to marry me...

you go "Oh, do shut up, you babbling British moron!"

Well, I hope you don't misinterpret it

if one morning you happen to wake up

- and find a high heel in your butt. - Oh.

I wish I had never said, "I love you" in the first place.

Oh, oh my,

my whole nervous system just shut down.

I can't see. I cannot see.

All right, go on. Go ahead, Niles. Fire away.

Oh no, sir. It is not my place to say anything,

but a picture paints a thousand words.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

( doorbell chimes )

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Fran, I'm so glad you're home.

Yetta has lost her mind.

And?

She met a man and wants to get married.

Why? Are you pregnant?

I don't think so.

But I'm really late.

Well, that makes her, Martha Raye

and Eva Braun all married before me.

The guy is up to no good.

He looks at her and sees dollar signs.

What, Ma? He's making a deal with the Colombians

to move her stash of digitalis?

She's got no money.

She gets $200 a month from Social Security.

What do you think he's after, her flat tuches?

She's just jealous

because so many men are attracted to me.

Even my doctor says I got charisma.

That's "arrhythmia," Yetta.

Come on. We're gonna go down to the bank

and make sure that the joint account she and I have

says "both signatures required."

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Maybe he's really attracted to her.

Yeah.

All right, come on. Val will drive us.

What were you thinking of?

The man is a baby.

He's 60 years old.

60?

Yetta, he is not even back in diapers yet.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Two of him together would be closer to your age.

Not interested.

With two men,

there's always jealousy,

performance anxiety.

What?

So now you know a little something about nana.

Come on.

Oh, look.

A space right in front of the bank.

Now wait a minute, Val. This is handicap parking.

It's okay. You're in therapy.

You're an emotional cripple.

No, no. Don't park illegally. It isn't nice.

Go over to that meter over there.

Here, put this bag on it.

Nah. I'm just gonna wait in the car.

You don't need to make a deposit?

Oh, I don't belong to this bank.

Oh. Where do you put your money?

In a pig.

- You coat your chicken in peanut butter. -Oh.

And then you roll it in stale

crumbled ginger snaps.

Mmm.

And 1, 2, 3, you got Hawaiian chicken.

And daddy likes this?

No. He can't stand the sight of it.

And one, two, three,

I'm eating lobster at the Seafood Broiler.

( Chuckles )

Good one, Ma.

( Chuckles )

( clears throat ) This is a hold-up.

What?

What's the hold up?

Some yenta's picking out designer checks.

- ( Gunshot ) - ( screaming )

All right! Everyone on the floor!

No, no quick moves and no one gets in

small unmarked bills.

( Whispering ) Oh, my God, Ma!

I can't believe we're in the middle of a bank robbery.

Oh, poor Mr. Sheffield!

If I die, he is going to feel so guilty

about what he said.

You know, this could work.

Will you please shut up?

Shh!

He's not wearing a ring.

Ma, he's a thief!

Who's going to be worth millions in a matter of minutes.

( Sirens blaring )

Oh, Maxwell, look! They're making

"Lost in Space" into a movie.

Oh, I loved that as a child.

Oh, I'm dating myself.

Dating yourself? That's pathetic.

Even you can do better than you.

This from a man who parties with Pam.

As in "a-can of."

You know, the next time you give your old clothes away,

why don't you just stay in them?

All right, that's it.

I don't want you two in the same room ever again.

- Why? - Why?

Because I can't stand it anymore, that's why!

- What? - This!

This!

Oh, my God, something terrible happened!

I just heard it on the news!

What? What happened, Yetta?

Wait a minute, I lost it.

Don't worry, Yetta. You told me in case you forgot.

Who are you?

Grace, just tell me what happened.

Fran and Sylvia are being held hostage in a bank robbery.

Oh! And this is how you break bad news

to an old woman?

Oh!

Oh, sir, this is horrible. What shall we do?

Well, I have to go down there and help.

Oh, of course. The SWAT team and the FBI

desperately need the producer of "Jelly's Last Jam" on their side.

- Niles, start the car. - Sir.

Oh, I can't believe I'm going to die here.

My whole life is passing before my eyes.

Beautiful baby, most popular girl in high school.

Maid.

I'm thinking how pissed I am

I didn't eat that second blintz this morning.

You're not thinking about daddy?

Yeah! Who do you think ate it?

I'm sorry, but if you two can't please be quiet,

I'm going to have to gag you.

Oh, please! Would you?

You know, sir,

I don't mean to tell you how to do a robbery or anything,

but, uh,

well, you really should have brought some spray paint

for those security cameras.

That's why I wore the ski mask.

It's not pulled down, is it?

Brought the wrong hat, didn't I?

I am sorry. Um, I don't even know your name.

I'm Leslie Tilbert.

- Nobody heard that, did they? - No!

No!

He said Leslie Tilbert.

Your mother drove you to this, didn't she?

Actually, yes. I need the money to buy her a condo in Florida

so I can get her out of my life.

You know, I don't know what this is worth,

but I want you to take it with my blessings.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse us.

Excuse me.

Could you let us through, please?

Miss Toriello, there you are. What do you know so far?

Well, uh, he's single, divorced.

Who the hell cares?

She must be in shock.

Oh, no, sir. What you see is what you get.

No, I'm talking about Miss Fine. How is Miss Fine and her mother?

Oh, oh! Well, so far, it's quiet.

Oh, my God, he's killed her!

Oh, no, sir, no.

Boy, I'm never going to get out of this.

I should have gone to med school like my brother.

But, I hate the sight of blood.

Oh, you hate the sight of blood?

Excuse me.

I'm a hippo-glycemic.

If I don't eat something soon,

it may be fatal.

You... You're not going to die.

She meant you.

What should I do?

I'd order takeout.

You know, right across the street there's a Roy Rogers,

a Kenny Rogers, and a Tony Roma's.

We call it the Chazzer Strip.

No, I'd like something light

like Fettuccine Alfredo.

You know, deli's easier with a group.

Oh, you know, he's right, but do we want dairy or meat?

'Cause I could go either way.

( All talking )

- Shut up! - ( gunshot )

( all scream )

We'll do deli.

What's going on in there? Is everyone all right?

Fran: We're okay!

That's one of the hostages on the megaphone.

Oh!

That's no megaphone, that's my nanny.

Now, remember, only three or four ice cubes.

A martini is not a smoothie.

Well, when do we dip the gym sock in it for good luck?

What?

That's how Niles makes yours.

- Hi, Yetta. - Hey, what's going on?

I don't want to upset your sister,

so don't say anything about Fran and Sylvia

being held hostage in the bank.

Oh, my God, that's awful! Are they okay?

Let's start over.

I don't want to upset your sister, so...

Yetta, Yetta, Yetta, Yetta.

Look, is Fran all right?

The police are there. Don't worry.

Well, how can we not worry?

Try one of these smoothies.

Oy gevalt!

Am I crazy or does this prune danish

look exactly like Moshe Dayan?

Both.

It's like the cinnamon bun that looked like Mother Teresa.

We're gonna be rich!

Mugs, T-shirts.

We'll go on David Susskind.

Yetta, Yetta, your daughter and granddaughter

Are being held hostage at a bank.

What?

Now, uh,

here's his list of demands.

He wants a limousine to the airport,

a private jet to Mexico,

uh-huh...

Oh, and that Valentino dress

in Bergdorf's window.

Thank you.

What?

They don't gotta know you're straight.

( Telephone rings )

Hello?

Oh. It's... It's Maxwell again.

Tell him I'm not here.

Come on. Just... just say hello.

( Whispering ) No.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Well, I think she's feeling a little hurt right now, Max.

Tell him we're just sitting down to eat.

Okay, all right, I'll talk to you later, buddy.

Bye-bye.

Gee, Fran, I'm so glad you're here.

I'm totally screwing up this robbery.

I'm... I'm no good at anything.

What are you talking about?

You're doing a tremendous job.

Everybody is terrified of you.

Drop that pastrami!

You didn't want to order, you were too nervous to eat,

now you deal with it.

Go around back and see if anybody

from the SWAT team can get a clear shot at him.

Niles: Excuse me, excuse me.

- Here you are, sir. - Oh, Niles, thank you so much.

Niles, may I confess something to you?

Well, I'm not a priest, sir, but I'm this close

to living the life of one.

I said something awful to Miss Fine.

More awful than saying you were sorry

that you ever said you loved her in the first place?

You know, I ought to rip that bloody intercom out of the wall.

You promised you wouldn't listen in again.

Oh, have a heart, sir.

I quit for two weeks, but I ballooned up to a 38 waist.

I mean, what if, God forbid,

anything should happen to Miss Fine in there?

I just couldn't live with myself knowing that

those were the last words she ever heard from me.

Well, why don't you send her a card?

( Chuckles )

I'm all wound up, sir.

- This is a Tarte Tatin. - Eh.

Chocolate decadence

and a lovely New York cheesecake.

What happened to the blueberry crumble?

That went very fast.

Oh.

Mmm.

Gee, Fran, I'm sad this has to end.

Oh, you and me both.

You know, believe it or not,

this isn't the worst date I've ever had.

Police: You in there! We got you a limo!

- Oh! - My ride's here. I gotta go.

Oh.

You want to take a little something for the road?

No, thanks, Sylvia. I'm full.

I'm talking about the money!

Oye, is this a schmendrick?

Mm-mm.

Oh, you know, it's Friday.

You're gonna hit all kinds of traffic.

Listen to me, you'll be smart.

Take the expressway to the Flatbush Circle exit.

Go around the circle and hang a right.

I thought you make a right halfway 'round.

No, that's the way you go, 'cause you always stop

at that Mongolian barbecue place.

And that's where you make the right.

You're wrong, Ma.

You'll never find it. We'll go with you.

Ma!

No, no, no, it's... it's a great idea,

because I... I could use some cover.

- Let's go. Come on. - Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

And still not the worst date I've ever had.

Oh!

( Fran grunting )

Miss Fine! Miss Fine! Are you... are you all right?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield... I'm not talking to you.

Oh, Miss Fine, please!

Please, you... you have to listen to me!

There is nothing more to say.

I just think that it's really sad

that my abductor and I

are closer than you and I will ever be.

Miss Fine,

I'm not sorry I told you

I love you.

She said she doesn't want

- to talk to you... - Genug already!

Make your getaway and shut up!

Mr. Sheffield!

Oh, Miss Fine!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I thought I'd never see you again.

Oh! Thank God, you're all right!

- Oh! - Oh, Miss Fine,

I am so sorry I gave you that stupid card!

Oh, and I'm sorry that I cut up your good silk tie

to make Gracie's Barbie an evening gown...

This could be the trauma talking.

Fran! Fran!

Oh! Val! Val!

Oh! The bank robber took your mother!

Oh, my God!

That poor man!

Oh, look at this, they're interviewing ma on the news.

The pursuit ended abruptly when the bank robber

made a wrong turn and was apprehended

in front of the Mongolian barbecue.

Sylvia Fine, one of the hostages, was with him.

Sylvia, can you describe it for us?

Honestly?

It's a little fatty.

I think they're under new management.

Oh, I'll tell you.

If I hadn't given him that shortcut

to the airport, ma would be in Mexico by now.

I'm gonna have to let go of that.

Hmm, hmm.

Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

Uh, wait a minute.

I have a Valentine's Day card for you.

- Oh, Miss Fine, thank you. - ( giggles )

Okay.

Look, two puppy dogs kissing.

Uh-huh.

"For Valentine's Day, I give you my heart...

worm."

Heartworm?

It's a parasite!

Dogs get it all the time.

It's a joke.

What?

Well, it is a little impersonal, don't you think?

- Oh, what are you getting so upset about? - Well, we have known each other

for four years.

I just feel...

Don't touch that intercom.

You have my word, sir.

- Oh, Miss Grace? - Yes?

Would you push that button for me?

Thank you.

- Fran: Don't talk to me like that. -Maxwell: I'm human.

- I have feelings, you know? - We take one step forward

and two steps back.

( jazz music playing )