Original subtitles

[electricity buzzing]

[cheers and applause]

- JIM NORTON PRE-SHOW INTERVIEW, MARKER.

- I HAVE TWO SECONDS.

UM, I HAVE ONE MORE STOP TO MAKE,

AN IMPORTANT STOP, AND I HAVE TO GET TO THE SHOW.

- UH, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO BEFORE A SHOW?

- BEFORE A SHOW?

UH, I LIKE TO RELAX AND I LIKE TO FUCK--A LOT.

I WAKE UP EARLY AND I FUCK FOR HOURS.

- UH, WHY DO THE SHOW IN CLEVELAND?

- I'M DOING THE SHOW IN CLEVELAND

'CAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND'S FROM CLEVELAND,

AND IT'S A FUN CITY. - YOUR GIRLFR--

CAN WE MEET YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- MEET MY GIRLFRIEND? NO.

SHE'S--PREGNANT.

- WOW, CONGRATULATIONS. - THANKS.

WE'RE NOT SURE IF WE'RE KEEPING IT.

UH, LOOK, CAN WE DO THIS LATER?

I'M RUNNING LATE AND I REALLY JUST WANNA

GET TO WHERE I HAVE TO GO NEXT.

I HAVE ONE MORE STOP TO MAKE.

LET'S JUST DO THIS LATER. OKAY?

THANKS, FRIEND. - HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

- OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- [whispering] I GOTTA GO.

- HAVE A GOOD SHOW, DADDY.

- OOH, WHOA, WHOA, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOU TO DO THIS.

- I DON'T WANNA DO IT.

NOW WILL YOU FUCK OFF?

- PLEASE.

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING.

IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.

- I'M A LITTLE FUCKING BUSY RIGHT NOW.

- WE'RE NOT IN ANY RUSH. WE'LL WAIT.

- IF I DO THIS ONE THING,

WILL YOU MAKE ME A BIG PROMISE?

- SURE.

- THAT YOU WILL NEVER, EVER BOTHER ME AGAIN

WITH FUCKING AUTOGRAPHS, PHOTOGRAPHS,

SIGNING YOUR ASS, ANY-FUCKING-THING.

- YES, I PROMISE. I SWEAR.

- OKAY.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE

MR. JIM FUCKING NORTON.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

[cheers and applause]

HOW FUCKIN' GREAT WAS THAT?

I GOT TO FUCK THAT GIRL!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH, MAN.

I REALLY AM HAPPY, UH, TO BE HERE IN CLEVELAND.

I WANTED TO SHOOT THIS IN CLEVELAND

'CAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO DO THIS SHOW

AND THEN BE MURDERED ON THE WAY BACK TO THE HOTEL.

[laughter and applause]

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON THE SET OF THE WALKING DEAD.

BUT, UH, IT IS REALLY GOOD TO BE BACK HERE,

AND I MEAN THAT. IT'S BEEN A COUPLE YEARS

SINCE I PERFORMED IN CLEVELAND.

AND I WAS IN L.A. RECENTLY AND I HAD THE WEIRDEST--

IT WAS ACTUALLY ON THE WAY HOME FROM THAT OZZY SHOOT.

THE WEIRDEST CELEBRITY SIGHTING ON THE PLANE.

SITTING IN FRONT OF ME--

AL SHARPTON WAS ON THE PLANE,

DIRECTLY IN FRONT-- AND IT WAS SO WEIRD

TO ROOT FOR MY OWN FLIGHT TO CRASH.

TALK ABOUT MIXED EMOTIONS AS THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN.

"AAH! AAH! HA HA!

[laughing]

YAY, FATSO!"

OOH, DO I NOT LIKE AL SHARPTON.

HE GOT STABBED YEARS AGO IN BROOKLYN,

AND I FOUND OUT THE GUY WHO STABBED HIM

IS A BIG FAN OF MINE. [chuckles]

WHICH IS COOL, 'CAUSE I LIKE HIS WORK, TOO.

I JUST WISH HE WAS BETTER AT HIS JOB.

'CAUSE SHARPTON MAKES RACES SO DIFFICULT.

WE ALL TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

AND WE ALL TRY TO SAY THE RIGHT THING.

BUT HE MAKES IT EVEN HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.

AND THE MEDIA IS THE WORST.

THEY WON'T MENTION RACE

DURING CERTAIN SUSPECT DESCRIPTIONS.

THAT'S HOW POLITICALLY CORRECT WE ARE AS A COUNTRY.

I WAS READING IN THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

THE DESCRIPTION OF A RAPE SUSPECT

AND THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE GUY'S RACE.

NOW ONCE YOU'RE CAUGHT, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

BUT IF WE'RE STILL LOOKING FOR YOU,

HOW ABOUT YOU MENTION ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION?

SO WE KNOW WHO TO AVOID ON THE ELEVATOR--

NOT THAT I'M THE RAPE TARGET,

BUT I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

THIS WAS THE POLITICALLY CORRECT DESCRIPTION THEY GAVE.

THEY SAID, "THE YOUNG MAN WAS IN HIS 20s,

"APPROXIMATELY 5'9", 185 POUNDS,

AND WAS WEARING A RED SWEATSHIRT."

UH...

YOU WANNA CUT THE HUNT IN HALF?

RED SWEATSHIRT, REALLY?

WHY WOULD YOU MENTION THE THING HE CAN CHANGE,

BUT NOT THE RACE WHICH HE CAN'T?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HE'S GONNA LEAVE THE SWEATSHIRT ON

UNTIL THE MANHUNT IS OVER?

ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE TELLING HIM,

"YOU MIGHT WANNA TAKE THAT SWEATSHIRT OFF."

"NO, NO, I COMMIT ALL THE RAPES IN THIS.

"THIS IS MY LUCKY SWEATSHIRT.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD, AND HAIR, AND DNA ON THIS BABY."

AND I'M TALKING ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE.

I'M SURE OTHER GROUPS HAVE THESE RACIALLY UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS.

IT'S NOT JUST BLACK AND WHITE.

I'M SURE KOREAN GUYS HAVE THEM WITH VIETNAMESE GUYS.

WE WOULD NEVER NOTICE, BUT I'M SURE IT DOES HAPPEN.

LIKE, I'D BELIEVE YOU IF YOU TOLD ME THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, "OH, REALLY? I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE GUY

YELLING AT A MIRROR."

YOU EVER DO SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW

MAKES YOU LOOK RACIST, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT?

LIKE, I WAS ON A PLANE AND I'M GETTING

INTO THE ROW TO SIT, AND THERE'S THREE SEATS.

AND THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME GETTING INTO

THE WINDOW SEAT WAS A BLACK A WOMAN.

UH, SHE WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS OLD.

AND THEN THERE'S ME.

AND THE WOMAN GETTING INTO THE AISLE

WAS A BLACK WOMAN WHO WAS ABOUT 55.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAD MADE ME THINK

THEY WERE TRAVELING TOGETHER--

[laughter]

BUT MY HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

I WAS TRYING TO BE A COURTEOUS, NICE PASSENGER.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, DO YOU TWO WANNA SIT TOGETHER?"

YOU EVER WORDS COME OUT AND YOU IMMEDIATELY

WANNA PUT THEM BACK IN WITH A SHOTGUN?

I RECOGNIZED MY MISTAKE FAST,

'CAUSE THE YOUNGER WOMAN ACTUALLY GOES,

"SIT TOGETHER?"

AND THE OLDER WOMAN WAS LIKE,

[Jamaican accent] "WHY WOULD WE?"

UGH.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FROM THE SAME PART OF THE EARTH.

I WAS OFF BY OCEANS AND CONTINENTS.

THE WOMAN SAID, "WHY WOULD WE?"

THERE'S NO ACCEPTABLE ANSWER FOR THAT QUESTION.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK, THAT'S WHY.

"WE LIKE TO SEAT ALL BLACKS IN ONE AREA

OF THE AIRCRAFT, MADAME."

I WAS SO HUMILIATED.

I JUST TOOK THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

I'M LIKE, "I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE LESBIANS."

ENOUGH OF THIS POLITICALLY CORRECT, POLITE--

AMERICANS SEEM ALMOST PHONY AT THIS POINT.

WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO AVOID SAY--

WHEN DID WE BECOME SUCH EASILY OFFENDED,

WHINY FUCKING BABIES?

I NEVER REALIZED HOW MANY SPORTSWRITERS

WANTED TO WRITE, "CHINK IN THE ARMOR,"

UNTIL JEREMY LIN SCORES 35 POINTS.

[cheers and applause]

AND THEN THEY CAN'T GET TO THE KEYBOARDS FAST ENOUGH.

"WONDER IF HE HAS A CHINK IN THE ARMOR.

WONDER IF HE YELLOW FEVER. GET IT, GET IT?"

HOLY SHIT. WE LOVE TO WATCH--

AND I THINK PEOPLE USE THIS EGGSHELL-WALKING

THAT WE DO TO THEIR THEIR ADVANTAGE.

LIKE, PEOPLE PLAY SEMANTICS GAMES.

LIKE, IN NEW YORK, THE BIG STORY FOR THE LAST COUPLE YEARS,

THEY WANNA PUT A MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO IN NEW YORK CITY.

WHICH--YEAH, I WOULD PREFER THEY DIDN'T.

UM, BUT I DON'T WANT THE GOVERNMENT TO TELL THEM

THAT THEY CAN'T EITHER.

YOU CAN'T LEGISLATE ANYTHING WITH RELIGION.

I HAVE NO LEGAL ARGUMENT AND I REALLY--

HERE'S MY WHOLE LEGAL ARGUMENT.

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT THAT MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO?"

"EH.

I REST MY CASE."

BUT EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS WHY THAT FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE.

JUST 'CAUSE IT'S LEGAL, IT DOESN'T MEAN

THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

I MEAN, IT'S LEGAL, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU SHOULD PUT A CONDOM MACHINE IN THE LOBBY

OF A RAPE CRISIS CENTER.

AND THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE MOSQUE PROJECT

WERE PLAYING THESE WORDS GAMES,

'CAUSE THEY THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD BE TOO UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SAY THE TRUTH.

THE GUY WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY

"WOULD BE OFFENDED BY A MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO.

THERE ARE STRIP CLUBS IN THAT AREA."

THANK GOD.

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY DOESN'T THAT OFFEND PEOPLE?"

GEE, I DON'T KNOW, STUPID.

MAYBE THE IMPLICATIONS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

GIRLS WITH BIG, GLITTERY TITS DIDN'T HIJACK PLANES

AND FLY 'EM INTO THE BUILDINGS.

IF THEY HAD, I'M SURE WE WOULDA FORGIVEN MUCH QUICKER.

I KNOW I'D BE A LOT MORE OPEN-MINDED ABOUT IT.

"WELL, THIS GAL'S UPSET.

LET'S SEE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY."

AND WHEN DID AIRPORT SECURITY BECOME

THIS SHOCKING PROCEDURE IN AMERICA?

I LOVE THE FACT THAT WE ACT LIKE SUCH

CIVIL LIBERTY VICTIMS 'CAUSE THEY WANNA FRISK US.

[yelling] "WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FRISK US

AT THE AIRPORT?"

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE BECAUSE WE DON'T LIVE IN UTOPIA

WHERE A GUY'S WALKING THROUGH AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DO YOU HAVE A BOMB?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "AH, YA GOT ME. ALL RIGHT."

LIKE, WHAT DO WE EXPECT? WE DEMAND SAFETY.

WE DEMAND SECURITY.

AND YET, WE BITCH AND MOAN EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

AND FEEL VICTIMIZED, AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"WELL, PROFILING IS NEVER RIGHT."

BULLSHIT.

WE JUST DON'T LIKE NEGATIVE PROFILES.

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD ANYBODY COMPLAIN

ABOUT A POSITIVE PROFILE.

"HEY, IS THAT YOUR KID? HE LOOKS KIND OF--

HE LOOKS KINDA SMART."

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HIM?

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"NO, NO, HIS MOTHER DRANK THE ENTIRE TIME

"SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM.

RUINED EVERY-- GO AHEAD, SAY SOMETHING."

[groans]

"YOU SEE? DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. WATCH IT."

BULLSHIT--IT'S ONLY A NEGATIVE PROFILE.

AND I GET STOPPED-- 70% OF THE TIME

THAT I'M GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY,

THEY ASK ME TO STEP ASIDE.

THEY'RE PROFILING ME.

AND THEY DON'T LOOK AT ME AND THINK,

"ISLAMIC TERRORISM."

THEY LOOK AT ME AND THINK, "OKLAHOMA, '95."

I LOOK LIKE EVERY DISGRUNTLED, CREEPY WHITE SHOOTER.

AND IT'S MILDLY ANNOYING AT WORST.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR LIFE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "COULD YOU PUSH YOUR ARMS OUT, PLEASE?"

AND ALL RIGHT, YOU FEEL A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE STANDING IN CRUCIFIXION POSE.

AND TYPICALLY, NOBODY STANDING LIKE THIS

IS DOING WELL AT THE MOMENT.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, THE PAT DOWN USED TO BE

A QUICK, FUNCTIONARY ONE.

AND NOW IT'S A LITTLE MORE INVOLVED.

THEY COME UNDER THE WRIST AND UNDER THE ARMPIT,

DOWN THE TORSO, AROUND THE WAIST,

ONE HAND ON THE OUTER LEG,

ONE HAND UP ON THE INNER THIGH.

AND YOU REALLY WANNA CREEP 'EM OUT

WHEN THEY TOUCH THE INNER THIGH AND GO--

[moaning]

LET YOUR LEGS BUCKLE A LITTLE BIT.

[moaning]

GIVE A SEXY LAUGH.

[laughing]

AND THEN THEY PRESS VERY FIRMLY

ALL THE WAY BACK DOWN TO YOUR ANKLES

TO SEARCH FOR WEAPONS.

NOW, I ALWAYS WEAR SWEATPANTS WHEN I FLY.

AND I TAKE CIALIS.

IT'S THE RECIPE FOR AN AMAZING MOMENT.

AT LEAST ONCE EVERY FLIGHT, I HAVE TO ELBOW

THE PERSON NEXT TO ME AND GO, "OOH."

BUT I WAS IN NEWARK AIRPORT AND IT WAS A YOUNGER TSA GUY.

IT'S LIKE A YOUNGER COP, THEY'RE A LITTLE OVERZEALOUS.

AND HE WAS VERY FIRMLY PRESSING DOWN MY LEG,

AND I COULD FEEL THE SWEATPANTS STARTING TO GO.

AND I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING, BUT I'M LIKE,

"LET IT HAPPEN.

IT'LL BE NICE TO DO THIS ONCE WITHOUT GETTING ARRESTED."

AND, UH, THEY SLID DOWN TO ABOUT MID-THIGH.

AND I WAS SO ANNOYED THAT I HAD ON UNDERWEAR.

I'M LIKE, "THIS COULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST

MOMENT OF MY LIFE."

'CAUSE HE TOLD ME TO PUT MY ARMS UP.

NOT ONLY WOULD I NOT HAVE PULLED THE SWEATS UP,

BUT I WOULD HAVE OPENED MY LEGS NICE AND WIDE--

SO THAT HE COULDN'T PULL THEM UP EITHER.

[inhales]

"BALLS IN YOUR COURT, OFFICER."

[cheers and applause]

AND I'LL SAY THIS, I THINK FOR WOMEN,

THE SEARCHES ARE A BIT MORE INVASIVE.

SO MAYBE THE TSA NEEDS TO FIX WHAT THEY DO.

BECAUSE FOR WOMEN IT'S A BIT MORE TO GO THROUGH.

I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE A HARDER TIME THAN WE DO.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I GO THROUGH AS A MAN,

AND IT'S NOTHING.

BUT FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE TO STAND THERE

AND HAVE YOUR BREASTS MUSHED TOGETHER,

AND YOUR OWN BREAST MILK POURED DOWN YOUR THROAT,

AND YOUR BUTTOCKS SEPARATED, AND--

WHATEVER ELSE I WOULD DO IF I HAD THAT JOB.

HOW DO YOU NOT ABUSE THAT POWER?

[mumbling]

[cheers and applause]

"YOU'RE NO TERRORIST."

AND I THINK THE REALLY ALARMING PART OF THAT JOKE

IS HOW TALL IS THIS WOMAN?

SO THEN THEY INSTALL THESE FULL BODY SCANNERS, RIGHT?

WHERE YOU STAND THERE FOR TEN SECONDS

AND THEY TAKE AN X-RAY OF YOU.

AND PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.

AND IT'S LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EXPECT,

BUT PEOPLE'S SELF-CENTEREDNESS--

PEOPLE WERE AFRAID THAT SOMEBODY

WAS GOING TO CAPTURE THE IMAGE OF THEM

AND SEE THE PHOTO NEGATIVE OUTLINE

OF THEIR PENISES, OR THEIR BREASTS.

OR IN MY CASE BOTH, 'CAUSE I'M HORRIBLE PHYSICAL SHAPE.

AND YOU WOULD SEE THESE AWFUL PEOPLE ON THE NEWS.

LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA SEE MYSELF AND MY WIFE

UPLOADED TO THE INTERNET."

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU AND THAT HORSE

YOU WALKED DOWN THE AISLE WITH.

YOU POMPOUS IDIOT, YOU THINK YOU'RE THE COUPLE

I JACK OFF TO WHEN I'M LOOKING FOR PORN?

THE 45-YEAR-OLD ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE.

YOU'RE PACKING FIVE INCHES.

YOUR WIFE HAS ONE BREAST LARGER THAN THE OTHER.

SHE HASN'T SHAVED IN SIX WEEKS.

HER BUSH LOOKS LIKE THE BIG RAGOO

FROM LAVERNE & SHIRLEY.

AND LOOK, I WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED TO HEAR

ANYBODY'S ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION.

BUT LOOK, HOW DO YOU STOP THE MENTALITY

OF A GUY LIKE THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER

WHO THEY JUST GAVE LIFE IN PRISON TO

NOT TOO, TOO LONG AGO?

HE WAS GOING TO BLOW HIMSELF UP,

DICK AND BALLS FIRST.

ALL SUICIDE BOMBERS ARE REPULSIVE.

BUT DICK AND BALLS FIRST.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY A NANOSECOND,

THERE'S STILL A NANOSECOND WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

"MY DICK AND BALLS ARE GONE!"

AND I'M NOT A PARANOID GUY, BUT I AM SCARED

OF PLUNGING 30,000 FEET.

SO WHEN PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE--

NOW PEOPLE GET VERY PISSED OFF AT THIS STANCE I TAKE,

AND I GET ALL THESE EMAILS FROM THESE CIVIL LIBERTARIANS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T CARE

"ABOUT YOUR PRIVACY.

"BEN FRANKLIN ONCE SAID,

'HE WHO WILL SACRIFICE LIBERTY FOR SAFETY

'DESERVES NEITHER LIBERTY NOR SAFETY.'"

OOH.

DID BEN FRANKLIN SAY THAT?

WELL, FUCK BEN FRANKLIN.

"A," BEN FRANKLIN HAD SLAVES.

"B," BEN FRANKLIN WORE STOCKINGS.

AND "C," BEN FRANKLIN NEVER HAD TO WORRY

ABOUT PLUNGING 30,000 FEET

'CAUSE SOME SAVAGE YELLED, "ALLAHU AKBAR,"

AND BLEW HIS DICK AND BALLS OFF IN THE CLOUDS.

[cheers and applause]

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, I VALUE MY PRIVACY

AS MUCH AS ANY PERSON IN THE ROOM,

BUT WE'RE A NOSEY COUNTRY.

WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT HOW NOSEY WE ARE?

I'LL BE INTERESTED IN HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT PRIVACY

WHEN THERE'S AN ACCIDENT IN THE SOUTHBOUND LANE

AND THE NORTHBOUND LANE MAINTAINS 65 MILES AN HOUR.

THEN I WILL BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY

THEY VALUE PRIVACY.

UNTIL THEN, WE ARE A COUNTRY OF MORBID JIZZ BUCKETS

WHO LIKE TO WATCH OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES GO INTO THE TOILET.

SO LET'S SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[cheers and applause]

ANY EXCUSE TO SAY, "MORBID JIZZ BUCKETS."

BUT LOOK AT THE TV WE WATCH.

LIKE, WE WATCH STUFF-- IT'S ALL INVADING

OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

HOARDERS IS A POPULAR SHOW.

WE WATCH A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE WITH MESSY HOUSES.

LIKE, THEY'RE THE WORST PEOPLE ON EARTH.

YOU'D NEVER TALK TO THEM IN REAL-LIFE--

AND LOOK, I'M NOT JUDGING.

I WATCH THOSE SHOWS.

AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH MORE THAN 20 SECONDS

WITHOUT GOING, "JUST THROW IT OUT, IT'S SHIT!"

THEY ARE THE MOST SELFISH,

HATEABLE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

[high-pitched mumbling]

"MY THING. ME, ME.

"I CAN'T CLEAN UP.

"EPSTEIN-BARR, FIBROMYALGIA.

ME, ME."

[cheers and applause]

UGH, AND DON'T YOU HATE THE WAY THE THERAPISTS CODDLE THEM?

"NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN

SAVING BOTTLE CAPS SINCE 1982?"

"BECAUSE MY MOTHER YELLED AT ME.

ME, ME, ME."

OH, CLEAN THE HOUSE, YOU FUCK.

YOU HAVE CAT SHIT IN THE FREEZER.

EVERY HOARDERS EPISODE SHOULD START

WITH THEM GOING TO THE MALL,

AND END WITH THEM GOING HOME SAYING,

"WHY ARE THERE FIRE TRUCKS IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?"

THEN YOU MAKE 'EM STAND THERE

AND WATCH THEIR FUCKIN' HOUSE BURN.

AND WHATEVER THEY CAN RUN IN AND GRAB,

THEY CAN KEEP.

FUCKIN' SMELLY ASSHOLES.

'CAUSE THEY NEVER HOARD ANYTHING GOOD.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A HOARDER SAVING ANYTHING THAT YOU VALUE.

LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO WITH ALL THESE

SIGNED MICKEY MANTLE BASEBALLS."

IT'S ALWAYS UTTER GARBAGE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH THIS

BOX OF DOILIES THAT MOTHER KNITTED."

UH, YOU COULD STAND ON IT AND HANG YOURSELF.

THAT'S MY SUGGESTION.

YOU SELF-CENTERED GOOSE EGG.

BUT WE'RE A NOSEY COUNTRY.

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT TELEVISION SHOWS

WHERE THEY'RE VOLUNTARILY ALLOWING YOU IN THEIR HOUSE

IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN THE TSA

FORCING YOU INTO A SEARCH.

BUT I'M ONLY TALKING ABOUT OUR OVERALL VIEW OF PRIVACY.

UH, LIKE THE DOG WHISPERER.

I LIKE THAT SHOW.

UH, I DIDN'T WANNA LIKE THAT SHOW.

BUT LOOK WHAT THAT SHOW IS.

WE WATCH A SHOW TO SEE IF PEOPLE'S POORLY BEHAVED PETS

BEHAVE A LITTLE BETTER BY THE END OF THE EPISODE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE TEN YEARS AGO IF SOMEBODY

SUGGESTED THAT YOU?

YOU WOULDA SPIT IN THEIR FACE.

"I CAN'T GET UP PAST THE COMMERCIAL,

I GOTTA SEE IF THE LABRADOODLE QUITS BARKING."

AND I THINK WE ALL WATCH IT, SECRETLY HOPING FOR A MAULING.

LIKE, YOU WANNA SEE THAT ONE TIME

WHERE CESAR GOES INTO A ST. BERNARD

AND YOU JUST HERE LIKE, "AAH!"

AND THE CAMERA POINTS UP.

AND THEN THE DOG RUNS BY WITH A SEVERED

MOCHA-COLORED HAND WITH A WATCH ON IT.

AND THAT NOISE HE MAKES IS GENIUS.

YEAH. [hissing]

WHO KNEW?

CENTURIES AND CENTURIES OF PEOPLE GOING,

"SIT. NO. NO."

DOG'S LIKE, "GO FUCK YOURSELF."

[hisses]

"ALL RIGHT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

"I GOT IT. I GOT IT. NO, I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT."

DON'T YOU WISH THAT WORKED IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP?

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?

YOU'RE WATCHING TELEVISION, YOUR GIRL WALKS IN,

"I WANNA--" [hisses]

[cheers and applause]

AND SHE JUST LAYS ON THE RUG AND LICKS HER PUSSY.

ANOTHER GREAT EXAMPLE OF OUR LOVE OF PRIVACY IS--

WHAT ABOUT LOCKUP ON MSNBC?

WHICH I THINK IS ONE OF THE BEST SHOWS ON TELEVISION.

BUT LOOK AT WHAT AWFUL PEOPLE.

PRISONERS ARE AWFUL, AWFUL PEOPLE.

WE TUNE IN EVERY WEEK.

"WONDER WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES THIS WEEK.

WONDER WHAT THEY'RE HAVING FOR DESSERT."

AND I THINK MEN WATCH IT, BECAUSE I THINK FOR MEN,

WHEN WE WATCH IT, IT'S FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

I THINK THAT IT'S A SURVIVAL THING.

WE WANNA SEE AND ANALYZE HOW WE THINK

WE WOULD DO IN THAT SITUATION.

AND TO BE VERY HONEST, I DON'T THINK

I WOULD DO PARTICULARLY WELL.

'CAUSE THE THINGS THAT DISGUST A WOMAN,

LIKE MY BUTTERY, SOFT ASS

AND MY "B" CUP TITS,

WOULD MAKE ME A COMMODITY ON LOCKUP.

THEY'D PROBABLY GET ME THE FIRST DAY.

SOME GUY DOING 30 YEARS WOULD WALK OVER.

I'D BE IN THE SHOWER, HAVING NO IDEA

HOW SEXY I WAS BEING,

SUDSING UP MY BOSOMS.

THE WATER GLISTENING OFF OF MY BOYISH ASS.

GUY HAS NO TEETH. HE'S LIKE,

[lisping] "YO, THESE TITTIES IS NICE."

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THE LISP

MAKES IT MORE HUMILIATING FOR SOME REASON.

"YO, LET ME SUCK THEM TITTIES."

HOW HUMILIATING FOR A MAN TO HAVE ANOTHER MAN

FORCIBLY SUCKING YOUR TITS.

AND YOU GOTTA TRY TO PLAY IT COOL

AND MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY.

AND JUST PRAY THAT YOU DON'T JIZZ ON HIS LEG.

'CAUSE THAT WOULD SEND THE WRONG MESSAGE.

BUT I THINK EVERY GUY HAS WALKED HIMSELF

THROUGH A PRISON RAPE AT LEAST ONCE.

I THINK WE'VE ALL DONE THAT--

I MEAN, NOT FOR LIKE, "OH, GOD, HOW MANY WOULD THERE BE?"

I DON'T THINK FOR THAT-- [chuckles]

"THEY'RE MEXICAN. NO, THEY'RE HAITIAN."

UH, UM...

I THINK WE ALL WALK OURSELVES THROUGH A PRISON RAPE

JUST TO KINDA FIGURE OUT, "WHAT WOULD I DO?"

AND I'M NOT A TOUGH GUY AT ALL.

I'M SMART, SO I WOULD TRY TO USE MY BRAINS.

LIKE, I WOULD--YOU'RE NOT FIGHT OFF A BUNCH OF GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE, FIVE GUYS JUMP ON YOU.

I'M SURE EVERYBODY YELLS, "STOP!"

I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER WORKED IN THE HISTORY--

LIKE, "OH, SORRY. FELLAS, LET'S GO.

HE DOESN'T WANNA GET FUCKED. LET'S GO."

BY THE THIRD GUY, YOU'RE TRYING ANYTHING.

[makes whooshing noise]

[chuckles]

BUT I WOULD TRY TO USE A LITTLE BIT OF PSYCHOLOGY.

LIKE, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING MY WAY OUT IT,

I WOULD FIND ONE REALLY BIG GUY,

MAYBE IN THE CAFETERIA.

I'D FLIRT WITH HIM A LITTLE BIT.

TIE MY SHIRT IN A LITTLE KNOT.

"HI."

GIVE HIM MY PEACH COBBLER. "HERE, DADDY."

AND THEN I WOULD TAKE HIM BACK TO MY CELL

AND DROP TO MY KNEES.

SLIDE HIS TROUSERS DOWN.

YEAH.

THEN I WOULD TUG HIS BAG--

UNTIL IT WAS TAFFY-LIKE.

AND THEN I WOULD PUT HIS COCK IN MY MOUTH.

NOW THERE IS MORE TO THIS EXPLANATION.

BUT YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD SUCK

IF I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DROPPED DEAD RIGHT NOW?

AND THAT WAS THE LAST THING

ANYBODY EVER HEARD ME SAY.

AND YOU ALL LEFT GOING, "OH, I GUESS THAT

WAS HIS SOLUTION. THAT DOESN'T SOUND..."

NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH COCK I GET IN MY MOUTH,

BUT WITH MY LIFE ON THE LINE, LET'S HOPE IT'S A WHOLE LOT.

I'D GET AN "A" FOR EFFORT, BELIEVE ME.

I WOULD-- [grunting]

LOOK LIKE I HAD A CHEEK FULL OF BIG LEAGUE CHEW.

I'D PUT TWO FINGERS IN HIS ASS

LIKE I WAS PACKING A PIPE.

[moaning]

AND THEN, JUST AS HE'S RELAXED,

I WOULD SQUEEZE HIS BALLS

AND GO, "AAH!"

AND SINK MY TEETH INTO HIS DICK AND RIP.

AND THAT WOULD STOP THE PRISON RAPE.

AND THAT'S HOW THEY WOULD FIND ME,

JUST STANDING IN THE FRONT OF THE CELL

WITH A HALF-EATEN DICK.

"UGH. AAH!"

I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT, A COMPLETELY UNEATEN DICK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M IMPLYING THAT I WOULD SNACK

WAITING FOR THE GUARD TO COME.

[laughter and applause]

AND THEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD RAPE ME.

"OH, IT'S THE CRAZY BITER, AAH."

I LIKE TO THINK THAT'S WHAT I'D DO.

I HOPE THAT'S WHAT I DO.

REALISTICALLY, I WOULD PROBABLY GO, "AAH!"

AND HE'D GO, "NO TEETH!"

I GO, "OH, I'M SORRY, DADDY."

[smooching]

"GIVE DADDY'S BOO-BOO A KISS."

[smooching]

I LIKE TO THINK I'D BE KNOWN AS THE CRAZY BITER,

BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST BE THE FAT-TITTED COCKSUCKER--

WHICH IS MY NICKNAME NOW.

AND BY THE WAY, WHERE WERE ALL THESE PEOPLE

SCREAMING ABOUT PRIVACY INVASION

WHEN TIGER WOODS'S PERSONAL LIFE WAS COMING APART?

I DON'T REMEMBER ONE CIVIL LIBERTARIAN,

OR ONE CIVIL LIBERTARIAN GROUP,

STICKING UP FOR THIS GUY'S RIGHT TO HAVE PRIVACY

IN HIS HUMILIATING PERSONAL LIFE FALLING APART.

AND LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I ENJOYED READING TIGER'S TEXT MESSAGES

AS MUCH AS ANYBODY.

THEY WERE FUCKIN' FANTASTIC.

BUT I DON'T MIND ENJOYING THAT,

'CAUSE I DON'T PRETEND THAT I'M ANY BETTER THAN HIM.

I ADMIT PUBLICLY, YOU BET I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.

AND I'M A MUCH BETTER DIRTY TEXTER

THAN THAT IDIOT WAS.

HE JUST WASN'T VERY GOOD AT IT.

'CAUSE HE WOULD JUST, LIKE, KINDA COPY

AND WRITE THINGS HE HEARD IN PORNO.

IT WAS REALLY AWFUL.

BY THE WAY, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SHOW WHAT THE GIRL SAID.

THEY WOULD ONLY SHOW YOU WHAT TIGER SAID.

DIRTY TEXT MESSAGES, EVEN IN CONTEXT,

ARE VERY DAMAGING.

BUT OUT OF CONTEXT, THEY LOOK REALLY, REALLY BAD.

AND HE SENT HER ONE, HE GOES,

"I WANNA CHOKE YOU AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

THAT LOOKS BAD--

ESPECIALLY WITH NO CONTEXT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE GIRL SAID TO INSPIRE THAT.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING.

[female voice] "I'M GONNA COMMIT GENOCIDE."

"I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

OR, WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SHE WAS A HORRIBLE RACIST.

"YOU GOLF PRETTY GOOD FOR A JIGABOO."

"I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

OR MAYBE, IT WASN'T EVEN TIGER.

MAYBE HE PUT HIS PHONE DOWN AT A PARTY

AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER PICKED IT UP.

[cheers and applause]

BUT I HAVE TO-- IT'S OKAY TO ENJOY THAT STUFF,

AS LONG AS WE STICK UP FOR PEOPLE

WHEN THEY'RE THROWN UNDER THE BUS

FOR BEHAVING LIKE WE DO.

BECAUSE, AGAIN, IT WAS REALLY FUNNY TO WATCH

SUCH A NICE-LOOKING GUY BE SO COMPLETELY FILTHY.

AND I AM PERVERT FOR REAL.

AND SOME OF HIS TEXT MESSAGES MADE ME GO,

"OOH, JESUS."

LIKE, HE WROTE ONE, HE GOES,

"I WANNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS,

AND THEN SHOVE MY COCK DOWN YOUR THROAT."

YOU MIGHT WANNA PUT "LOL" AFTER THAT.

OR AT LEAST REVERSE THE ORDER.

NOBODY MINDS IF YOU SHOVE YOUR COCK DOWN THEIR THROAT

AND THEN FUCK 'EM IN THE ASS.

THAT'S JUST THE COMMON WAY OF SAYING,

"HEY, THANKS FOR A GREAT EVENING."

BUT IF YOU WRITE, "I WANNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS."

YOUR NEXT TEXT BETTER BE, "AND THEN I'M GONNA

"HOP IN THE SHOWER IMMEDIATELY

"AND SCRUB MY DICK WITH LAVA SOAP.

AND THEN YOU CAN SUCK IT IF IT DOESN'T STINK ANY LONGER."

I DON'T REMEMBER A WHOLE LOT OF PRIVACY ADVOCATES

STANDING UP FOR MEL GIBSON'S RIGHT

TO FALL APART IN HIS PERSONAL LIFE IN PRIVATE.

WHERE WERE ALL THE ADVOCATES WHEN HIS VOICEMAILS

AND THESE CONVERSATIONS WERE PLAYED

ON ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT AND ALL OVER THE 6:00 NEWS?

NOT ONE PERSON SAID, "THIS IS DISGUSTING.

WE SHOULDN'T WATCH THIS."

AND, BOY, DID I LOVE LISTENING TO THOSE.

I HAVE THEM ON A LOOP IN MY iPOD.

BUT I DON'T PRETEND THAT I'VE NEVER--

I LOVE WHAT THESE FUCK-- EVERY GUY ON TV IS JUST--

WHAT A FUCKIN' BUNCH OF PHONIES,

THESE SPORTSCASTERS AND NEWSCASTERS

AND PUNDITS ON FOX AND CNN.

THEY'RE ALL LIKE, "OH, I'VE NEVER

SPOKEN TO A LADY LIKE THAT BEFORE."

WOW, I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S EVERY ARGUMENT I'VE EVER BEEN IN.

THEY WERE JUST SEXUAL THINGS.

WE'VE HAD A RELATIONSHIP FALL APART

AND YOU START ARGUING ABOUT THE SEX.

AND THESE THINGS WERE HILARIOUS.

LIKE, AT ONE POINT, SHE GOES--SHE'S LIKE,

SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU."

AND HE GOES, "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SUCK MY DICK

BEFORE THE JACUZZI!"

[laughter and applause]

AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "HE'S CRAZY."

IS HE?

A PROMISE IS A PROMISE.

OBVIOUSLY A DISCUSSION HAD TAKEN PLACE.

THEY WERE GOING IN THE JACUZZI.

SHE WAS GONNA SUCK HIS DICK FIRST.

THAT SOUNDS FAIR.

I DON'T HAVE A JACUZZI, BUT IF I EVER GET ONE,

YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO SUCK MY DICK

BEFORE YOU SET FOOT IN IT.

I'LL EITHER TELL YOU, OR YOU CAN

READ THE SIGN THAT'S POSTED.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T SUCK HIS DICK.

BUT I THINK IF MEN ARE BEING HONEST,

AND NOT SANCTIMONIOUS,

VERY FEW THINGS ARE AS ENRAGING

AS A PROMISED BLOWJOB NOT DELIVERED.

WE DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR EXCUSES.

WE HAVE NO EMPATHY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DEATH IN THE FAMILY?

WASN'T YOU.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, YOUR MOUTH AND TEAR DUCTS

DON'T WORK AT THE SAME TIME?

WHY DON'T WE 69?

YOU CAN BLOW ME AND CRY ON MY BALLS.

THAT WOULD FEEL FANTASTIC.

MEL GIBSON IS HILARIOUS.

EVERYTHING HE SAID BELONGS ON A HAT--

[chuckles] OR A COFFEE MUG--

OR IN A BOOK OF MORNING AFFIRMATIONS.

ONE BEAUTIFUL QUOTE AFTER ANOTHER.

AND THE BIGGEST ONE, THE MOST FAMOUS QUOTE,

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO."

AND HE GOES, "WHY DON'T YOU SMILE AND FUCKIN' BLOW ME?"

I GOT A CHILL WHEN I HEARD THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH,

"ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN."

WAS ANYBODY SURPRISED, BY THE WAY,

THAT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER CHEATED ON HIS WIFE?

NO!

I THINK WE WERE SURPRISED AT HIS CHOICE.

"WOW, I GUESS ARNOLD WANTED TO FUCK

THE BASSIST FROM VAN HALEN."

WHAT A FAT MONSTER THAT MAID WAS.

WHAT, HE MET HER ON THE SET OF TOTAL RECALL

WHEN HER HEAD WAS COMING APART IN THE AIRPORT?

"TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS."

JESUS, BE MORE SELECTIVE.

WHAT DID HE PULL HIS PENIS OUT IN THE KITCHEN,

"FIRST WOMAN THAT WALKS BY IS GETTING THIS

"STUCK IN HER DUMPER.

YOU, FATTY WITH THE DISH TOWEL, GET OVER HERE."

I'LL BE YOU THAT ARNOLD, BECAUSE HE'S SUCH

A DOMINANT, ALPHA MALE, IS PROBABLY

A BIG SUBMISSIVE SEXUALLY.

AND BECAUSE THAT MAID HAD TO HUSTLE

FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE, SHE PROBABLY JUST READ HIM

BETTER THAN HIS OWN WIFE DID.

LIKE, EVERY GIRL THAT LAYS THERE

PROBABLY BORES HIM AND JUST SAYS STUPID SHIT LIKE,

"OOH, TERMINATE ME, OOH!"

AND MEANWHILE, THE MAID THREW HIM ON THE FLOOR,

STUCK HER FEET IN HIS MOUTH, "YOUR MOVIES ARE TERRIBLE."

[moaning]

"YOU SOUND LIKE A RETARD WHEN YOU TALK."

[moaning]

AND MARIA SHRIVER, BY THE WAY, IS TOO SKINNY.

WHAT DOES SHE WEIGH, 110 POUNDS?

ARNOLD'S A BIG GUY.

HE PROBABLY GOT TIRED OF CLIMBING ON

AND JAMMING IT IN AND HER GOING,

"AAH! AAH! OH!"

[moaning]

AND THEN HE GOT THAT FUCKIN' WILDEBEEST IN THE SACK.

HE COULDN'T HURT HER PUSSY IF HE HIT WITH AN ANVIL.

[laughter and applause]

UM, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE JUDGE POLITICIANS

ON THIS STUFF.

BECAUSE EVERY ONE OF THEM IS AT BEST A LIAR.

THAT'S THE BEST THEY'LL--

IT'S LIKE CHOOSING YOUR FAVORITE RAPIST.

THE BEST HE WILL EVER BE IS A RAPIST

WHO DOESN'T MACE HER AND HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK.

THE ONLY POLITICIAN I REALLY, REALLY HATE--

AND I DON'T EVEN WANNA HATE HIM,

'CAUSE IT'S TOO PREDICTABLE OF A POSITION

FOR A COMEDIAN TO TAKE, TO HATE THE ARCHCONSERVATIVE,

BUT RICK SANTORUM, I REALLY, REALLY DETEST AS A PERSON.

AND HERE'S WHY I HATE HIM. I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.

NOT JUST BECAUSE HE'S CONSERVATIVE.

I HATE ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LEGISLATE

AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE. IT JUST ANNOYS ME.

'CAUSE HE WANTS TO GO AFTER GAY MARRIAGE, HEAVY METAL--

AND IT'S LIKE, COME ON, GAY MARRIAGE AND HEAVY METAL?

THAT COVERS THE EARS, THE MOUTH, AND THE ASSHOLE.

ANY OTHER HOLES YOU WANNA REGULATE, YOU FUCK?

I DON'T PRAY OFTEN, BUT WHEN I DO,

IT'S THAT RICK SANTORUM IS ARRESTED

FOR BLOWING SOMEBODY IN A REST AREA.

[cheers and applause] UGH.

I HAVE NEVER WANTED TMZ SO BADLY

TO GET A PHOTO OF A GUY PULLING HIS MOUTH

OFF A HOLE IN A BATHROOM STALL.

[imitates buzzing noise] THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE CAMERA.

[imitates buzzing noise]

WITH A LARGE PENIS HANGING--

HANGING, OF COURSE, BECAUSE IT'S JUST BEEN DRAINED

BY A PROFESSIONAL.

WITH A LITTLE PIECE OF SPITTLE CONNECTING--

YEAH, YEAH.

'CAUSE HE DOES IT TO THE ROOT.

[groaning]

FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

AND I ALSO HATE HIM--

I DON'T HATE HIM BECAUSE HE'S PRO-LIFE.

I HAPPEN TO BE PRO-CHOICE.

BECAUSE I'M STILL HAVING SEX AND I CAN'T KEEP

AN ERECTION WITH A CONDOM, SO ABORTIONS ARE GOOD.

REALLY--NOT ONLY ARE ABORTIONS GOOD,

BUT I STOCK UP ON MORNING AFTER PILLS

JUST TO SLIP IN YOUR BEVERAGE-- "GO AHEAD, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT."

"WHY IS IT FIZZING?"

"EH, IT'S A LITTLE CONCOCTION CALLED, 'THE TUITION SAVER.'

GO AHEAD, ENJOY."

SO I DON'T HATE HIM BECAUSE HE'S PRO-LIFE,

BUT I DO HATE HIM BECAUSE HE THINKS

EVEN IF A WOMAN IS RAPED, OR IS A VICTIM OF INCEST,

SHE SHOULD HAVE TO KEEP THE BABY.

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, EVEN A RAPE BABY IS A GIFT FROM GOD."

IT'S A SHITTY GIFT, DON'T YOU THINK?

AND BEING GOD, COULDN'T HE FIGURE OUT

A BETTER WAY TO GET THE GIFT TO THE WOMAN?

"I WANT TO BESTOW LIFE UPON THIS WOMAN."

"WELL, SHE DOES NOT HAVE A HUSBAND, LORD."

"THEN LET THAT GUY IN THE RED SWEATSHIRT

"FUCK HER IN THE ALLEY, NOW!

I WANT THAT GIFT IN HER PUSSY!"

"ALL RIGHT, I HEARD YA. I HEARD YA, LORD, SORRY."

IT'S A GIFT, SO I GUESS THAT MEANS

IT WOULDN'T BE A CRIME IF I WENT

TO RICK SANTORUM'S HOUSE AND JERKED OFF OVER HIS FACE

AS LONG I YELLED, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY,"

AS I JIZZED IN HIS EYE.

I NEED A WOMAN, BADLY.

I NEED A WOMAN--

I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR TEN MONTHS NOW.

- WHOO!

- WHOO, ONE FAT GIRL.

[laughter and applause]

[chuckles]

I CAN'T SEE YOU, MISS.

BUT THE FACT THAT YOU WENT, "WHOO!"--

YOU GOTTA BE PUSHING 350.

[laughter and applause]

I DON'T GET NERVOUS ONSTAGE AT ALL.

I REALLY DON'T. THIS IS COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, THOSE ONE-ON-ONE,

AWKWARD SOCIAL MOMENTS

ABSOLUTELY RUIN ME. AND I'M 43 YEARS OLD.

IT'S NOT CUTE TO BE SHY AT MY AGE.

BEING SHY IS CUTE WHEN YOU'RE, LIKE, 21 OR 22.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK UP LIKE, "HI."

[giggles]

WOMEN, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, GET OVER HERE.

YOU'RE CUTE."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO FUCK PAUL LYNDE.

HORRIBLE IMPRESSION OF A WOMAN, THAT WAS.

I CLEAR MY THROAT A LOT,

WHICH YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY.

AND I NEVER REALIZED HOW GROSS IT WAS

UNTIL GOT THAT LOOK.

'CAUSE I THINK I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.

I'M GONNA BE OKAY.

BUT CERTAIN FOODS JUST MAKE ME, LIKE--

[clears throat] WHICH IS SICKENING.

IF YOU'RE LIKE, "SO, I--"

[clears throat]

AND I KNOW I DO THIS, AND I'M SUCH AN ASS.

YOU'D THINK I WOULD AVOID CERTAIN FOODS.

BUT I'M AT THE BAR AND I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, THE LADY WILL HAVE A VODKA

AND A BUTTERMILK FOR ME, PLEASE."

THEN FOR 35 MINUTES I'LL BE LIKE--

[clears throat]

"NO, IT'S JUST MUCUS AND PHLEGM CLINGING

TO MY VOCAL CHORDS AS I TRY TO GET YOUR UNDERPANTS OFF."

IT'S EVEN WORSE IF YOU'RE GOING DOWN ON HER,

'CAUSE SHE'S JUST GONNA BLAME HERSELF.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

"NO, NO, IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S ME.

"I HAD A DAIRY PRODUCT EARLIER.

"I WAS ON MY WAY OVER AND I WAS EATING CHEESE

OUT OF A BAGGIE."

YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE LYING

WHEN YOU CLEAR YOUR THROAT.

EVEN IF YOU'RE BEING PERFECTLY HONEST,

YOU SOUND LIKE A LIAR.

"DID YOU TOUCH THAT CHILD?"

[clears throat] "NO."

THEN YOU GOTTA QUICKLY TURN YOUR PENN STATE HAT AROUND.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I UNDERSTAND.

THAT WAS A TRAGIC SET OF EVENTS.

BUT FOR COMEDIANS, IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.

AND ENOUGH WITH PEOPLE GETTING MAD

ABOUT MAKING FUN OF THAT.

I'M TIRED OF FUCKIN' JOE PATERNO,

EVERYBODY SAYING WHAT A LEGEND HE WAS.

LOOK, I'M SURE HE WAS A GREAT GUY.

BUT AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED,

WHEN PRETTY CONVINCING PEDOPHILIA ALLEGATIONS AROSE,

HE DIDN'T DO ENOUGH. SO, FUCK HIM.

WHEN HE DIED, I MADE FUN OF HIM.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE-- AND THEN HE GAVE

THAT SELF-SERVING PRESS CONFERENCE,

WHICH WAS REALLY IRRITATING.

HE'S LIKE, "I REALLY LOVED MY TIME AT PENN STATE."

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DID.

YOU WEREN'T BEING FUCKED IN THE SHOWER, STUPID.

WHY WOULDN'T YOU?

[laughter and applause]

AND THERE'S THAT STUPID STATUE OF HIM IN FRONT OF PENN STATE.

SO I JUST TWITTERED-- I TWITTERED, UH,

"HEY, IF YOU GET RAPED AT PENN STATE,

"JUST TELL THE STATUE,

"'CAUSE IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY DO LESS FOR YOU

THAN THE REAL JOE PATERNO WOULD HAVE."

[cheers and applause]

AND PEOPLE WENT, "HEY, BUDDY, HE WAS A LEGEND!"

YEAH, WELL, SO WAS O.J.

WE SAW HOW THAT WORKED OUT.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY IS GUILTY.

BUT LET'S JUST, AS AN OUTSIDER,

WHEN YOU HEARD THAT A MAN NAMED JERRY SANDUSKY

WAS ACCUSED OF PEDOPHILIA,

DIDN'T IT JUST SOUND RIGHT?

"WHO MOLESTED THOSE KIDS?"

"SANDUSKY!"

"I'LL BET HE DID.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"MCQUEARY TURNED HIM IN."

"UGH.

WHO'S THAT?"

"THE REDHEAD."

"UGH."

THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU NEED

WHEN YOU'RE COMMITTING A SEXUAL CRIME IN THE SHOWER,

TO LOOK THROUGH THE STEAM AND SEE CHUCKY STARING AT YOU.

THAT FUCKIN' HORRIBLE PITTSBURGH ACCENT,

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT SHOWER IN THERE?"

[laughter and applause]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK, I KNOW HE'S GONNA SNITCH."

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN A MOLESTING COACH

IS A TATTLING GINGER.

YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER, YOU LOOK OUT,

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING RICKROLLED.

AND THERE'S A CONVENTIONAL WISDOM IN THIS COUNTRY

THAT WHEN YOU GET IN TROUBLE,

THE THING TO DO IS SHUT YOUR MOUTH

AND LAWYER UP.

TALK TO NOBODY BUT YOUR ATTORNEY.

AND I'VE ALWAYS SAID, "NO, GO OUT,

PROCLAIM YOUR INNOCENCE."

BUT THEN I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THESE SANDUSKY INTERVIEWS,

WOW.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, LAWYER UP.

I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYBODY CONVINCE ME OF THEIR GUILT

SO MUCH BY PROCLAIMING THEIR INNOCENCE.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH,

BUT HIS EXCUSES JUST DON'T SEEM BELIEVABLE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THAT SHOWER?"

HE GOES, "AH, THAT WAS HORSEPLAY."

"DID HE SAY HORSEPLAY?"

YOU'D THINK HE WOULDA BOUNCED THAT OFF A FRIEND

BEFORE HE SAID THAT TO THE MEDIA.

FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY UNDER 90 SAYS, "HORSEPLAY."

AND HAS THAT EVER BEEN AN ACCEPTABLE EXPLANATION

FOR A PERCEIVED CHILD MOLESTING?

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?"

"JUST A LITTLE HORSEPLAY."

"OH, THANK GOD.

"'CAUSE FOR A SECOND, IT LOOKED LIKE

"YOU WERE RAPING THE KID UP AGAINST THE WALL.

"I HEARD THE SLAPPING SOUND.

"AND YOU'RE PRESSED UP AGAINST HIM.

"AND HE'S CRYING, AND--

"THANK GOD IT WAS JUST A LITTLE GOOD-NATURED

"JOSHING AROUND. WHEW.

GUESS THAT WAS RED KOOL-AID RUNNING DOWN THE DRAIN."

[audience "oohs" and laughter]

HORSEPLAY, OKAY, GOOD.

THAT MIGHT HAVE WORKED IN THE 1940s, WHEN EVERYBODY--

NO ONE TALKED ABOUT PEDOPHILIA, FIRST OF ALL.

AND ADULTS WERE ALWAYS BELIEVED.

AND PEOPLE ALL SOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE

IN A DETECTIVE MOVIE ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, "WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT SHOWER, SEE?"

"AH, NOTHING, COPPER.

"THIS BOY'S GOT STOLEN CANDY

AND I'M FISHING IT OUT OF HIS HINEY, SEE."

IN THE SHOWER, WEARING A SUIT AND A FEDORA.

AND I THOUGHT BOB COSTAS DID A GOOD JOB

WHEN HE INTERVIEWED SANDUSKY.

HE ASKED SOME REALLY GOOD QUESTIONS.

UM, BUT SANDUSKY JUST CREEPED ME OUT.

THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE MADE ME GO LIKE, "WOW."

'CAUSE BOB COSTAS WAS LIKE,

"WELL, WHY WOULD MCQUEARY LIE ABOUT

WHAT HE SAW IN THAT SHOWER?"

AND SANDUSKY'S LIKE,

[gravelly voice] "I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM."

UGH.

ARE YOU JERKING OFF NOW?

AND HERE'S A WORD OF ADVICE,

IF YOU'RE EVER ACCUSED OF BEING A PEDOPHILE,

AND BOB COSTAS SAYS,

"ARE YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN?"

HOW 'BOUT THIS? SAY, "NO."

IT'S A TWO LETTER, ONE WORD ANSWER.

"NO."

YOUR ANSWER SHOULD NEVER BE LONGER THAN THAT,

UNLESS YOU'RE GOING, "NOO!

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NO, NO, NO.

NO! NO."

BUT YOU SHOULD NOT GO, "WELL, I LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE.

I ENJOY BEING AROUND YOUNG PEOPLE."

THERE'S A SEMICOLON AND 20 WORDS IN THAT ANSWER,

YOU FUCKIN' CREEP.

THAT'S THE RULE OF THUMB.

IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "ARE YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN?"

IF THE FIRST WORD OF YOUR ANSWER IS, "WELL,"

YOU'RE GUILTY.

[laughter and applause]

YEAH, AND I'M GLAD YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THIS.

IT'S OKAY, IT'S ANTI-PEDOPHILE.

SO IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY THIS MATERIAL--

WE KNOW WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY APPROPRIATE AT ALL.

HE SHOULDN'T BE JOKING ABOUT THIS."

CHECK THEIR HARD DRIVE.

BECAUSE HERE'S THE MENTALITY OF PEOPLE WHO ARE OFFENDED.

YOU KNOW WHO GOT REALLY MAD AT ME ON TWITTER

FOR A JERRY SANDUSKY JOKE?

MARGIE PHELPS.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHO MARGIE PHELPS IS.

SHE'S A MEMBER OF THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, THOSE FUCKING AWFUL PEOPLE.

THEY HATE GAYS SO MUCH THEY PROTEST THE FUNERALS

OF OUR DEAD TROOPS, BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT GOD IS PUNISHING

AMERICA FOR HOMOSEXUALITY BY KILLING SOLDIERS.

SO THEY'LL STAND OUTSIDE A SOLDIER'S WAKE

WITH SIGNS GOING LIKE, "GOD HATES FAGS."

AND, "GOD LOVES DEAD SOLDIERS."

AND YOU CAN'T HIT THEM.

IT'S A FREE SPEECH ISSUE. YOU CANNOT HIT THEM.

BUT I DO LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY

WE CAN GIVE PEOPLE AIDS THROUGH EMAIL.

[laughter and applause]

SO I DID A SANDUSKY JOKE.

IT WAS A WORDPLAY JOKE. I FORGET WHAT--

THE HEADLINE OF THE DAY WAS SOMETHING LIKE,

"JERRY SANDUSKY REFUSES TO FACE ACCUSERS."

SO I WROTE SOMETHING LIKE, "WELL, OF COURSE HE DOESN'T

"WANT TO FACE HIS ACCUSERS.

HE'D RATHER STAND RIGHT BEHIND THEM."

WHICH WAS RATHER CHEEKY OF ME, I THOUGHT.

I ACTUALLY MADE THAT FACE AFTER I SAID IT.

SO MARGIE PHELPS QUOTES MY TWEET

AND THEN RETWEETS IT AND WRITES, "YOU MOCK SIN."

AND THEN WRITES THE HASHTAG, "DOOMED."

WHICH MADE ME FEEL GOOD, WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

AND I ADDRESSED HER ON TWITTER,

BUT SHE'S, LIKE, A RELIGIOUS FANATIC,

SO I TRIED TO BE RESPECTFUL.

I'M LIKE, "WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU MET GOD,

AND HE CALLED YOU A CUNT?"

[laughter and applause]

"BECAUSE YOU ARE, AND HE WOULD, MADAME."

I THINK THEY ACTUALLY CUT THAT PART OUT OF THE BIBLE.

CHRIST IS ON THE CROSS AND HE SAID,

"FORGIVE THEM FATHER, FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO,

"EXCEPT FOR THAT PACK OF CUNTS FROM KANSAS.

BURN THEM FROM THE INSIDES OF THEIR ASSHOLES OUTWARD."

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PEDOPHILES AT ALL.

AND I DON'T THINK I'M TAKING A BIG SOCIAL RISK BY SAY--

THIS IS NOT, "THE COMEDIAN GETS INSIGHTFUL."

LIKE, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEDOPHILES."

"PRETTY BRAVE STANCE, JIM."

AND THE REASON I HATE PEDOPHILES SO MUCH

AND I THINK THEY HAVE TO BE EXECUTED,

IS I JUST CAN'T COMPREHEND THAT SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

AND AGAIN, I'M A DIRTBAG.

MOST THINGS I UNDERSTAND.

EVEN ANIMAL FUCKING, I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT.

AND I WILL EXPLAIN THAT STATEMENT.

I'M NOT JUST GONNA LEAVE THAT AND WALK AWAY.

BUT CHILDREN ARE SO COMPLETELY UNSEXY.

HOW DOES THAT ENERGY TURN YOU ON?

THE INCESSANT QUESTIONS ALONE WOULD KILL MY ERECTION.

"WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?"

"SHUT UP!"

AND I WOULD NEVER LET ANYBODY WITH HANDS THAT STICKY

GRAB MY DICK.

I DON'T LIKE BEING AROUND KIDS AT ALL.

'CAUSE IN THIS DAY IN AGE, ANYTHING COULD BE MISCONSTRUED.

AND YOU NEVER WANNA BE ON THE RECEIVING END

OF A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH SOMEONE'S KID.

LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK MOST PEOPLE

ACCUSED OF PEDOPHILIA DID IT.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST, THERE ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE,

THE ODDS WOULD DICTATE, WHO DIDN'T DO IT.

AND YOU NEVER WANNA BE THAT GUY

WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN THAT FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

"HEY, DIDN'T YOU MOLEST A BUNCH OF KIDS?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO.

"THEY SAID I DID, BUT...

"WE CLEARED IT OFF YEARS LATER, YOU KNOW.

"I DON'T KNOW, THEY SAID, LIKE, I RAPED THEM OR WHATEVER.

"BUT THEY SAID NO LATER.

BUT, UH, IF YOU'RE HIRING, I'M STILL AVAILABLE."

[laughter and applause]

AND NOW, THE REASON I SAID I WAS UP IN THE AIR

ON ANIMAL FUCKING.

PERSONALLY, I WOULD NEVER DO IT.

BUT I DON'T THAT WE SHOULD NECESSARILY

DEMONIZE PEOPLE WHO DO.

I THINK IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE SIZE OF THE ANIMAL.

I THINK--

THERE HAS TO BE A HEIGHT-TO-WEIGHT RATIO.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE FUCKING A COW--

YOU'RE NOT HURTING THE COW.

SOMEBODY WOULD TELL THE COW, "YOU KNOW,

THAT'S GUY'S FUCKING YOU." THE COW WOULD BE LIKE,

"OH, I THOUGHT WE WERE TAKING A PICTURE, ALL RIGHT."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE FUCKING A MINI-DOBERMAN PINSCHER

OR A CHICKEN, YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT

WHO'S A BULLY AND YOU SHOULD BE EXECUTED.

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A GUY WITH A SMALL DICK

WHO'S TRYING TO HURT SOMETHING SMALLER THAN HIMSELF.

AND YOU'VE NEVER MADE A WOMAN GO, "OW!"

SO YOU FIGURE THE CHICKEN GOES-- [gobbles]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK IT, I'LL TAKE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT."

BUT I DON'T WANNA PUNISH SOMEBODY.

FIRST OF ALL, MY ERECTIONS ARE SO TENTATIVE,

IF THE PHONE RINGS, I AM LIMP FOR A HALF HOUR.

HOW ANYBODY KEEPS AN ERECTION WHILE LOCKING A BARN DOOR,

SETTING UP A LADDER, KICKING HAY OUT OF THE WAY,

HOLDING A TAIL, AND FUCKING AN ANIMAL

WITH A BELL AROUND ITS NECK--

IF YOU CAN EJACULATE LIKE THAT,

WE SHOULD ELECT YOU TO CONGRESS.

'CAUSE YOU'RE A PERSON WHO'S NOT GONNA BUCKLE

TO SPECIAL INTEREST PRESSURE.

"VOTE FOR ME.

I FUCKED A RHINO FOR 45 MINUTES."

[laughter and applause]

I WOULD BE VERY HES-- HESITANT, WHAT A DOUCHE.

I WOULD VERY NEGLIGENT IF I DID NOT MENTION--

OF COURSE, YOU GUYS KNOW WHO'S HERE,

OPIE AND ANTHONY.

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH FOR COMING.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU, GUYS.

AND THANK YOU, ANTHONY, FOR DRESSING UP.

JESUS.

OH, I LOVE THOSE TWO.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THEY DIDN'T REALIZE

WE WERE GONNA CUT TO THEM, AND THEY WERE BOTH

JUST LIKE, "OH, BOY."

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW HOW JEALOUS I'D BE?

I'D HAVE TO GO OVER AND SIT BETWEEN THEM.

"ME, ME.

ME, ME."

THANK YOU, GUYS FOR COMING, MAN.

I DO APPRECIATE IT.

AND THANK YOU, GUYS FOR SUPPORTING THE RADIO SHOW.

WE KNOW THAT YOU DO. THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

NOW HERE'S THE HARD PART I'VE HAD MEETING WOMEN.

IT REALLY IS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMEBODY

THAT KNOWS HOW TO FUCK YOU.

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND WAS AMAZING IN BED.

BUT DID YOU EVER END A RELATIONSHIP

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THE POLICE

AND COURT SYSTEM WILL?

IT WAS, LIKE, ONE OF-- LIKE, I NEVER VIOLATE

A WOMAN'S SPACE WHEN WE'RE ARGUING.

BUT SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WOULD GET, LIKE, THIS CLOSE

AND SAY LIKE, "SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

BUT NOT NEARLY AS FEMININE AND SEXY AS I JUST SAID IT.

AND I KNEW I HAD TO END THE RELATIONSHIP,

'CAUSE WE'RE LAYING IN BED ONE NIGHT

AND SHE IS ON A THREE HOUR FUCKING COMPLAINING BENDER.

AND I STARTED TO THINK LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

HOW MUCH TIME WOULD I GET IF I STABBED HER?"

BUT I DIDN'T JUST THINK IT, I ACTUALLY WALKED MYSELF

THROUGH THE APPEALS PROCESS,

TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.

DO I HAVE A SUIT THAT I COULD WEAR FOR COURT?

COULD I RECORD THIS AND PLAY IT FOR THE JUDGE?

"WOW, JIM, SHE IS A TWAT. CASE DISMISSED."

BUT THE SEX WAS SO GOOD.

AND IT'S SO HARD TO REPLACE, BECAUSE SHE WAS CRAZY.

SHE HAD THAT FUCKIN' THING THAT MAKES YOU GREAT IN BED

WHICH ALSO MAKES YOU VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

SHE WOULD SAY THESE THINGS--

NOW, SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT I WOULD DO THIS,

BUT ON MY PHONE--

[laughter]

I HAVE A LITTLE SECTION AND IT'S CALLED,

"YOU THINK I DON'T LISTEN."

AND FOR TWO YEARS, JUST SO YOU KNOW I'M NOT LYING,

I WOULD WRITE DOWN THINGS THAT SHE SAID.

AND I'M GOING TO READ YOU A COUPLE OF THEM.

AND THESE ARE NOT THINGS SAID TO BE FUNNY,

OR TO BE CRAZY.

AND SHE HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS RUNNING INTO THE BATHROOM

GOING, "OH, YOU ARE FUCKIN' OUT OF YOUR MIND."

[chuckles]

WE WERE TALKING ONE TIME AND SHE GOES,

"I'M NOT INTO RETARDS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW BIG THEIR DICKS ARE."

[laughter and applause]

ANOTHER ONE, "DID YOU NOTICE THAT I BURPED

"WHILE I WAS SUCKING YOUR DICK?

IT TASTED LIKE DIJON MUSTARD."

"FAT GUYS JERK OFF ALL SLOW AND FAT."

"YOUR CUM ALWAYS GIVES ME HEARTBURN."

THIS ONE HURT.

"IF I WAS CHEATING ON YOU, YOU'D KNOW.

THE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKED ME, YOU WOULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING."

[laughter and applause]

"I WANT MY NEXT ABORTION TO BE IN A REALLY NICE PLACE."

AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE.

"I CUT SUCH A PUTRID FART ON THE TRAIN TODAY.

THANK GOD I WAS STANDING NEXT TO THREE MEXICANS."

[laughter and applause]

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY CHANGE YOUR LIFE

BY THINGS THEY DO SEXUALLY?

SHE CHANGED MY LIFE.

WE WERE HAVING SEX.

AND WHEN I CAME, I SHOT IT ACROSS HER RIGHT BREAST.

NOW, I AM BRAGGING A LITTLE BIT,

'CAUSE WE WERE FUCKING DOGGY-STYLE.

AND IT WAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE RICOCHET

OFF OF MY TAYLOR SWIFT POSTER.

AND SHE'S LAYING THERE WITH MY CUM ON HER BREAST

AND SHE TAKES MY HEAD AND PUSHES MY FACE INTO IT.

AND SAYS, "NOW CLEAN IT OFF, BITCH."

- WHOO!

[laughter and applause]

- I CANNOT EXPRESS THE HORROR AS MY TONGUE ROLLED OUT--

I THINK I EVEN SAID,

[childlike voice] "ALL DONE."

AND IT HAD NO TASTE FOR ABOUT 20 SECONDS.

AND THEN THAT CUM FLAVOR HIT ME.

[groans]

CUM IS A HORRIBLE BEVERAGE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT MADE OF?

IT'S METALLIC.

IT TASTES DIRTY WITH BLOOD AND SADNESS IN IT.

IT CLINGS TO YOUR TEETH, AND YOUR GUMS,

AND YOUR THROAT.

I FELT LIKE I DRANK THE BAD GUY

FROM TERMINATOR 2.

SO, TO WOMEN, I AM SO SORRY

FOR ALL THOSE TIMES I WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'M GONNA CUM."

AND THEN FORGOT, AND LAUGHED

AS YOU WERE VOMITING OUT MY PASSENGER WINDOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT, CLEVELAND.

I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU, GUYS FOR BEING HERE.

I APPRECIATE IT.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANNA DEDICATE THIS SHOW, WITH LOVE,

TO PATRICE O'NEAL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[cheers and applause]