Original subtitles

It's often been said, "A man's home is his castle."

We do everything necessary

to maintain and protect our property.

The only problem is,

you can't control what other people do with their castles...

...which can really suck

if you happen to be the castle-owner next door.

Yep.

That's what's been happening in my kingdom.

Ugh, will you look at this?

Hey, Dre, what ya doing?

- Come on, Janine! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I wanted to talk to you,

and sometimes when I knock on your door,

I feel like you guys pretend not to be home.

We don't pretend not to be home.

We pretend we can't hear the door.

All right, uh, is this... Is all this Airbnb people?

Yeah, the Kellys really screwed us

when they decided to rent out their house.

I mean, these people leave pizza boxes on the lawn,

they... they park in front of my driveway.

Last weekend, there was a party.

I found human poo in my garden.

It could've been an animal.

Ohh, Dre, I think I know the difference.

I can't believe I'm agreeing with you, but...

this does need to be handled.

That's why I'm talking to all the neighbors,

- and we are gonna call the police. - Nope!

Good luck with your white-people fight.

Keep my name out of it.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

You guys wouldn't believe what Janine just asked me to do.

She tried to get you to call the police about those renters.

How'd you know?

Blond hair? Always outside?

I know a snitch when I see one.

She's right to want to do something, though.

You know, I was running by that house this morning,

and a couple of the guys were catcalling me...

- Hmm. - ...saying I was sexy.

Hmm.

You've just been waiting for a way to get that story out?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And I'm gonna tell it when I get to work,

but seriously, that house is a problem.

Okay, well, calling the cops is not an option.

- Okay. - The Johnsons don't snitch.

- That's right. - Okay.

Wait, I thought Johnsons don't eat leftovers.

No, that's just because Dad doesn't leave

enough for leftovers.

Junior, I wanted Cheddar Bunnies instead of Goldfish.

Ooh, that new kid, Wyatt, he loves Cheddar Bunnies, too.

What?!

Shut up. I don't even know Wyatt.

I don't even know if he eats.

All right, I got to go to the hospital, guys.

There's been a horrible bus accident. Bye.

- All right, Bow. - Bye, Mom.

- Bye. - Yeah, you do.

You gave Wyatt all of your snacks yesterday.

Shut... up!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My baby girl... has a crush on a boy.

Yes, she does.

You've got a crush on a boy!

- Kindly unhand me, Mother. - Unhanding.

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

My neighbor won't leave me alone.

Oh-ho! Been there.

But lookit, Dre, you got to tell her,

say, "Hey, we're both married. This has got to end, Jocelyn.

You know, eventually,

your husband's gonna come home from war."

Okay, your life is disgusting.

And it's not that.

She wants me to call the police on an Airbnb on our block.

- No, she don't. - Yes, she does.

What's the big deal about having renters on your street?

Yeah, and where do you have to be from

to think that your neighborhood is a vacation destination?

Really, just call the cops.

I'm not gonna do that, all right,

because Black people, we don't snitch.

That's right. We do not.

I once was tied up in a basement with a phone

that only dialed 911,

and I still refused to snitch on my captors.

- Mm-hmm. - They say, "Snitches get stitches."

Unfortunately, so do non-snitches.

- Oh, my God. They stabbed you? - Worse.

When I finally got home, I tried to cut a bagel.

Six stitches in my palm.

But I never snitched on that bagel.

Calling law enforcement is not snitching.

And besides, as a landowner,

it's actually one of your constitutional rights.

Just doesn't feel right.

Okay, let's say your house catches on fire. What do you do?

- You call the fire department, right? - Mm-hmm.

If your son falls and breaks his leg,

you call the ambulance, right?

If your yacht ran aground

full of cocaine and prostitutes, you'd call a Senator.

I'm just saying.

Make the system work for you.

- Ooh, I am slaying in this one. - Uh-huh.

Ugh, but my eyes are closed.

Oh, no, I got you, sis.

Just use that Top Shot thing.

All right. And boom. Check it out.

It automatically loses the sleepy-slay pic

and chooses the best one.

- Crisis averted. - Thank you!

Mm-hmm.

Boy, bye... boy, hi.

- Right. - What are we doing?

Ooh... hi.

Are we posting pictures for Wyatt?

Let me see.

Let me get in here.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see, let me see!

- That one's beautiful. - What?!

How you gonna put me out there like that?

I didn't put you anywhere!

You don't see that wonky eyebrow?

Diane, you have Mommy's eyebrows.

You do.

So just delete that one that Mom liked

and post that one.

Um...

He liked it already!

- No way! - Yeah!

Oh, my God! Ah, ah, okay.

Everybody calm down. You know what you need to do?

You need to like one of his pictures.

Oh, should she, Mom?

- Yes! - One or two or maybe all?

- Oh, two. - Why not all of them from this year?

- Right? - Oh, my God! Yes, yes!

And that way, he will know that you are interested.

- Are you messing with me? - Yes, I am.

- What? - Okay, Diane, if you really want this

to work with Wyatt, just do what I say.

- Okay. - Text, "You're so funny."

No, that's weird.

But next, you text him, "Sorry, wrong person."

- Ooh, yeah. - No, that's... No, don't.

That's manipulative.

- That's weird. - Shh!

- Wait, what? - He texted back.

- No, he did not! - Already?

And he asked if I wanted to go to ice cream on Saturday!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ice cream! Ice cream!

Ice creeaaam!

Ice cream.

We... are going...

to ice cream... with a boy.

We are... You're closing the door.

- Wait. - Congratulations.

Thank you so much!

What the hell?

Hey, Dre, someone's blocking your driveway.

Pretty aggravating, huh?

Maine plates, too.

Aahh!

I wish there was something we could do.

What do you want me to do about it, Janine?

I'm just saying.

I mean, they're right over there.

They gave that guy a ticket for putting his trash in my can.

Seems extreme.

All right, maybe, maybe.

Look, if you wanna keep your sweet ride

parked on the street tonight, you know, fine by me.

Hope no one tries to key it.

Anything else we can help you with, ma'am?

No, no, I'm okay. Thank you.

Unless my friend Mr. Johnson needs something.

Uh...

Well, this guy's kinda blocking my driveway.

Kind of? You can't even access your property.

This is some real Maine [bleep].

You want it towed or ticketed?

I thought that was your choice.

You're the homeowner.

You're the boss.

What are you doing?

Can you believe how far this Airbnb lady

parked her car in the street?

It's got to be over 3 feet.

Hey, want to help me measure it

before I call it in to the police?

Whoa. I-I thought Johnsons don't snitch.

Don't be ignorant.

All right, it's not snitching

when you're a homeowner.

Oh, uh...

Okay, cool.

Here you are. Drive safe out there.

Go, Dre, go!

Time.

911, what's your emergency?

Uh, oh, hell no!

- Light 'em up. - All right.

All right. Everybody say "lemonade"!

- Lemonade! - Lemonade!

As I drove my steel steed through my kingdom,

I heard the much-too-loud merriment of peasants.

But I was secure in the fact that my castle

would always be protected by my ever-ready knights

of Sherman Oaks, who were only a three-digit call away.

A three-digit call I could not make in this instance.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Hi. Aah! Bloop, bloop! Look.

I found a couple of options for you

that might be great for your ice cream situation.

- That's okay. - Oh.

Zoey already picked something out for me.

Okay, I mean, that's fine. It's so cute.

Okay. Let's see.

Oh, yeah.

I guess that's cuter.

Maybe I could do something cute with your hair.

Zoey already told me what to do with my hair, so...

Oh.

Got it.

It's a sister thing. Yeah.

I-I thought we were doing the, like,

communal female empowerment "sister"... pbht! thing.

I'll head out, then.

Sounds like Zoey's got it under control.

I'll close this. Yep.

- Yeah. It's fine. You can close it. - Okay.

Okay. Okay, sweetheart. Love you.

_

_

What?!

Um...

Hey, this is Zoey. Leave a message.

Hi, Zoey.

He just asked if we should split it or if he should pay.

What do I say?

You know what? Just call me back.

Bye.

New problem... I started chatting, and then I bailed,

and I'm pretty sure he saw the bubbles,

and then I saw his bubbles, and then they went away.

So... please help me.

I mean, he should pay, right?

Yeah. He should be able to take care of a woman.

Well, you know, I don't want that!

I don't want him to take care of me.

I'm an independent woman!

I am, right?

Zoey, just please tell me what kind of woman I am!

This is Diane.

Ah, hey, neighbor.

- How's everything? - Uh, pretty loud, don't you think?

So, when did the cops say they were gonna get here?

Uh, they didn't... because I didn't call them.

Dre... we have to call them.

I-I have to get up early tomorrow for my Tinder date.

No, just going hiking...

and then we're gonna have sex.

No, here, seriously, blow up the spot.

You know you love to call the police, Drop-A-Dime Dre.

Yeah, drop the dime like it's hot!

- Come on. - What, you don't like free music?

Oh...

Oh, I got it, I got it. Right.

Don't want to call the cops because they're...

Because they're... ashy?

- No! No. - What?

Because they're African-American Blacks.

Okay, okay. All right, you're right.

All right, I don't want to call the cops on them

- because they're Black. - All right, I get it.

You grew up with them. Okay.

- I got your back. I will call for you. - No, you don't.

When you call the cops on Black people,

things can escalate quickly.

Well, what... I'm... I'm just supposed to do nothing?

Yeah, you're not in danger.

You're just feeling uncomfortable.

And that's how you end up in a viral video

as the next Barbecue Becky.

I cannot go viral.

Those memes do nothing but zero in

on your weaknesses, and I'm... I'm mostly weaknesses.

- Good call. - Uh-huh.

Hey.

Why aren't you dressed?

Wyatt texted me, and I didn't know how to respond.

Oh.

Zoey promised that she would help me,

but I couldn't get in touch with her.

Ah...

Okay, well...

what did you write back?

I panicked and sent some random emojis

that ended with a New Zealand flag

and a Steve Harvey mustache.

Oh.

He freaked out and bailed on ice cream.

Oh, honey.

Oh.

Oh, sweetheart.

It's okay.

What does it mean

when you don't want to seek revenge on someone?

It means that you liked them...

a lot.

It's okay, sweetheart.

- Uh, Dad? - Hmm?

What are we doing?

Devante can't go down with all this music,

and he's a little too young for all the explicit lyrics.

Look, he's barely a year old, all right?

He doesn't even understand the words.

Oh, all right. So I guess you're fine

with his first words being... the A-word... or the B-word.

Or "skeet skeet skeet."

Do something about this.

Look, you got two options.

One, you could do nothing.

Two, if you was a man,

you'd go out there and you'd talk to them.

I'm a man.

You know what?

And I will go over there and I will talk to him, man to man.

Go ahead.

Man to many men...

who have been drinking.

You know what? Uh...

maybe I'll take the dog with me.

Damn it, why couldn't I have a pit bull?

Stop watching that baby so much.

It's weird.

Uh, hey! Hey, uh...

Is that that, uh...

That that new Lil Uzi Vert?

You know, uh...

Y'all having, uh, kind of like a... front-yard thing.

We're kind of a backyard-thing kind of neighborhood.

But it's all good.

I'm Dre.

I'm Dre. I'm, um, from up the block.

What up, sir?

You know, I just...

You know, I just wanted to, uh,

just give you the heads-up.

You know, some of the neighbors, they be trippin',

you know, 'cause... 'cause your music...

your music's kind of loud.

Uh, d... Damn, man.

We... We weren't even thinking about it, man.

Uh... yo, go tell Sean to turn it down some, all right?

Huh.

All right. Okay.

You know, appreciate this.

- Edwin. - Oh, okay.

- What's up, Edwin? - We're just in town for the weekend...

- pre-gaming before we hit the club. - Which club?

You know, I might... I might hit it, too.

Okay. All right.

Hey, uh, I just want to, uh...

thank you guys, you know, for being, uh, so cool.

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Yeah, all right. Wasn't so damn hard.

I didn't even need that damn dog.

All right.

- No one moves. - Oh, okay.

Hey, wait, Dre.

What did you do?

What did you do?!

I told you, "Don't call the cops."

I couldn't have called them!

Whenever I smoke my cataract medicine,

I always lock my phone in the safe because of last time.

Dad, what's going on?

Son, just go back in the house, all right?

Somebody called the police, and we have to work this out.

Okay, just go home.

It wasn't "somebody."

I-I called the police.

Why would you call the police?

I-I just did what we do when the neighbors are loud.

But did you know that they were Black?

Describe them?

Uh... Black, Black, Black, Black.

Yeah, all Black.

Is that how you said it?!

But you said it's okay to call the cops if you're a homeowner.

Man.

We really need to talk. Come on.

This lobster roll is insane.

I promise to never eat at a place without wheels again.

Seafood in a hot truck 3,000 miles from Maine.

Mm, what could go wrong?

Right?

Good evening, Zoey.

- Mom. - Mm-hmm.

Um... w-wow.

You're...

You're at a place I'm at.

Diane has been trying to get in touch with you.

Oh, I was gonna call her back.

Do you understand what happened tonight?

What?

Wyatt canceled.

He canceled ice cream with Diane.

Nooooo...

Who's Wyatt?

Go away.

Okay, it... it's not that big of a deal.

I figured she had it handled.

She chose you to be there for her,

and you promised that you would be.

You're just coming down on me

because she wants my help and not yours.

Okay, I get that you're in college now, Zoey,

and you can pop by the house and pick up clothes

and drop your little smart-ass comments whenever you want.

Fine. But you cannot fly in and out of your sister's life.

Do you hear me?

She's 13 years old!

That was her first date! Zoey!

You have a responsibility to be there for her

and treat her better than some skirt that you just left behind!

That's what you did!

Um, Dr. Johnson?

I'm so sorry about before.

I brought you some tots.

Thank you, and... gimme the lobster roll.

Oh, but I...

So, you're mad at me for calling the cops?

Look...

you know, I should've made it clear to you

that we're not just homeowners.

We're Black homeowners, and because we're Black,

we have to look at things through kind of a dual lens.

You know, we need to think about every situation

and how it should go normally,

and how it could go 'cause we're Black.

Like, being asked to sit on the curb while they checked your ID.

They didn't ask any of the white people to do that.

- Mnh-mnh. - Yeah, it's different for us, baby boy.

It's like those two brothers that were handcuffed

while waiting for a meeting at Starbucks.

Or that Ivy League student

who was harassed for napping in a common area.

- Those were all somebody's kids. - Just like you.

And it makes me sick to think

that someone would call the police on you

just because they thought you didn't belong there

- because of the color of your skin. - Mm-hmm.

And it scares me to think of what could happen.

See, calling the police on Black people

ain't nothing to play with.

Yeah, I-I get it now.

But can I still call the cops on white people?

Can't say yes, but I won't say no.

I still can't believe it.

- Hmm? - One second, Diane's small enough

to be swaddled in the palm of my hand,

and next thing you know,

she's talking about her first date.

Well... I'm still a little shook

that I'm having one-on-one race conversations with Jack.

Mm.

- The twins are growing up, babe. - Mm-hmm.

- With Zoey and Junior... - Mm-hmm.

...we can get through this with the twins.

Now, good thing we don't have to do that again.

Amen.

- Oh, my God... - Ah.

Why do we keep forgetting about Devante?

No, no, it's fine, though. It's fine.

Junior's got it.

That's weird.

I'm coming, Devante!

Yeah, it's weird.

You know, next time, when I say I'll be there,

I'll actually be there. I promise.

So, what are we doing about the whole Wyatt situation?

Well, if he can't accept me for my Steve Harvey mustache emoji,

then he doesn't deserve me at my dancing lady emoji.

- Boom. - I'm out on Wyatt.

Tell it.

That name... Wyatt...

It's a pretty cool throwback name, huh?

Junior, that's not what we're doing.

- No. - We're the other way.

Why are you even here?

Oh, well, you know, I'm still doing the whole gap-year thing.

- Yep. - All my friends are away at college.

I'm a bit lonely.

Sweetheart...

No, it's all good 'cause we've got each other.

And there is nothing weird about this.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

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