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1
00:00:01,861 --> 00:00:04,455
Sterling Archer.
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:08,031
Code name Duchess.
3
00:00:08,701 --> 00:00:09,725
Hm.
4
00:00:09,902 --> 00:00:16,535
Known from Berlin to Bangkok
as the world's most dangerous spy.
5
00:00:16,709 --> 00:00:19,200
So for us, this is... How you say?
6
00:00:20,512 --> 00:00:22,446
A good get.
7
00:00:22,615 --> 00:00:25,175
But not so good for you, Mr. Archer.
8
00:00:25,351 --> 00:00:28,582
Because you have information
that I want.
9
00:00:28,754 --> 00:00:30,688
And this may be old cliché...
10
00:00:33,025 --> 00:00:36,552
but we have ways of making you talk.
11
00:00:37,563 --> 00:00:39,155
What? Your little go-cart battery?
12
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:40,559
- Golf cart.
- Whatever.
13
00:00:40,733 --> 00:00:43,578
- Would you pick an accent and stick with it?
- Listen here...
14
00:00:43,602 --> 00:00:46,833
- Son of a bitch.
- Now you did it.
15
00:00:51,543 --> 00:00:55,001
- What is the point of these simulations...
- Krenshaw's arousal?
16
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,512
If you don't take them seriously?
17
00:00:57,683 --> 00:01:00,618
How can I? Between his lame accent
and the go-cart battery...
18
00:01:00,786 --> 00:01:02,014
- Golf cart.
- Shut up.
19
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,882
And speaking of lame, my code name...
20
00:01:04,056 --> 00:01:07,048
Was chosen at random
by the ISIS computer.
21
00:01:07,226 --> 00:01:09,091
Random? It was your dog's name.
22
00:01:09,261 --> 00:01:10,819
Oh, Duchess.
23
00:01:12,264 --> 00:01:14,323
I loved her so much.
24
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:15,990
That it was creepy and pathetic?
25
00:01:16,168 --> 00:01:18,602
And if you were half as smart
as she was...
26
00:01:18,771 --> 00:01:21,535
She wasn't too smart to die
from eating chocolate, was she?
27
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,935
Exercise terminated.
28
00:01:23,108 --> 00:01:26,373
- All right, that's lunch then.
- Agent performance unsatisfactory.
29
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:28,979
Oh, come on...
At worst, that was "needs improvement."
30
00:01:29,148 --> 00:01:30,206
- Jesus, Archer.
- What?
31
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:33,374
- You think this is a game?
- No, I think Jenga is a game.
32
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,076
What if I'd been real KGB?
33
00:01:35,254 --> 00:01:38,382
I assume you'd try to suck a promotion
out of some Russian guy's cock.
34
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,525
- Maybe I never get promoted...
- Never will.
35
00:01:40,693 --> 00:01:42,524
Because my mommy's not the boss.
36
00:01:42,695 --> 00:01:45,220
And maybe you just got your face
kicked off.
37
00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:48,366
That is my foot in your face.
Smell the embarrass...
38
00:01:48,534 --> 00:01:50,331
Ow, oh!
39
00:01:51,136 --> 00:01:52,569
Mother, did you see that?
40
00:01:53,706 --> 00:01:55,367
Mother.
41
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,466
Mother.
42
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:43,046
Leave a message at the tone.
43
00:02:43,422 --> 00:02:45,481
Um... Tone.
44
00:02:45,657 --> 00:02:49,320
This is Four-Five-Six Laundry.
Your shirts are ready... for a week.
45
00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:51,463
Oh, no.
46
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,995
- Good morning.
- Hey, you.
47
00:02:53,165 --> 00:02:54,689
I'm so hungry.
48
00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:58,098
Just give me five minutes on my backhand
then we'll see if there's a...
49
00:02:58,270 --> 00:03:02,434
- Is that a dog? Is it a dog?
- Oui, that is Abelard.
50
00:03:02,608 --> 00:03:04,371
Oh, adorable.
Now get the hell out of here.
51
00:03:04,543 --> 00:03:06,670
But you promised me breakfast.
52
00:03:06,845 --> 00:03:09,871
You want breakfast?
Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek.
53
00:03:11,383 --> 00:03:12,645
Get it?
54
00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,043
Thank you, Abelard.
55
00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:17,165
- It's a short list, Woodhouse.
- Yes, sir.
56
00:03:17,189 --> 00:03:20,283
- Things we don't allow in. What are they?
- Dogs and your mother.
57
00:03:20,459 --> 00:03:22,825
- That's a very short list, isn't it?
- Yes...
58
00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:25,190
- but you were quite insistent...
- What was I?
59
00:03:25,364 --> 00:03:27,195
That an exception be made.
60
00:03:27,366 --> 00:03:32,394
No, no, no, because forget the dog rule,
because this pug is amazing.
61
00:03:32,571 --> 00:03:34,198
Watch this. Abergard, go.
62
00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:37,373
Do you not hear that?
63
00:03:37,876 --> 00:03:39,867
That's "Puttin' on the Ritz," man.
64
00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,036
- I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
- Yes, sir.
65
00:03:42,214 --> 00:03:44,182
- But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
- No, sir.
66
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,749
Stop. Shut up. I have to go.
67
00:03:46,919 --> 00:03:49,752
But if I find one single dog hair
when I get back...
68
00:03:49,922 --> 00:03:52,186
I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
69
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:54,484
Very good, sir.
70
00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,995
- I also need you to go buy sand.
- Yes, sir.
71
00:03:57,162 --> 00:03:58,891
I don't know if they grade it but...
72
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,560
Coarse.
73
00:04:09,441 --> 00:04:13,104
One entire whole week
we've been calling you.
74
00:04:13,278 --> 00:04:14,302
Highly unprofessional.
75
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,540
Really? Because I find
your sweatiness unprofessional.
76
00:04:18,016 --> 00:04:19,506
So we have something in common.
77
00:04:19,685 --> 00:04:22,620
Besides the fact
that now both of our shirts reek of curry.
78
00:04:22,788 --> 00:04:26,451
- And when will you settle your account?
- When will you buy some dress shields?
79
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:31,426
- This is not a dress.
- Are you serious? That's not a dress?
80
00:04:33,165 --> 00:04:35,360
Oh, God, with the curry again.
81
00:04:35,534 --> 00:04:38,264
This shirt smells
like Indira Gandhi's thong.
82
00:04:41,773 --> 00:04:44,571
- Hey, you wanna smell something?
- Swear to God, Mr. Archer...
83
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,041
- I have H.R. On speed dial.
- Shut up.
84
00:04:47,713 --> 00:04:49,544
Hey, Krieger, you gotta smell this.
85
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:52,444
Krieger? Huh.
86
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,609
You geeks wanna smell something?
87
00:04:54,786 --> 00:04:57,482
- Archer, get the hell out.
- What is it with you people?
88
00:04:57,656 --> 00:05:00,250
Try to include people in your life
and then you... Lana.
89
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,757
Hey. Hey, what does this smell like?
90
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:07,058
Like the dysfunctional asshole
I broke up with six months ago.
91
00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:09,629
Oh, my God. You're amazing.
92
00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:11,268
You are amazing, sweet stuff.
93
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,870
Wanna do it again
and put on some interracial porn?
94
00:05:14,039 --> 00:05:18,032
God, it's like my brain's that tree,
and you're those little cookie elves.
95
00:05:19,411 --> 00:05:20,435
Just a second.
96
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,740
- No, baby, don't answer that.
- I have to. Sorry, it's Mother.
97
00:05:23,916 --> 00:05:26,350
- Mother, hey. Just a second.
- I cannot believe you.
98
00:05:26,518 --> 00:05:29,715
No, turn it on. I can do both.
99
00:05:30,656 --> 00:05:33,750
- What?
- So don't speak to me, ever.
100
00:05:33,926 --> 00:05:37,760
And while you're not ever speaking to me,
jump up your own ass and die.
101
00:05:37,930 --> 00:05:40,865
Oh, rea... After all that H.R. Mediation.
Really?
102
00:05:41,033 --> 00:05:43,160
- Yup.
- After all the hard work Pam did.
103
00:05:43,335 --> 00:05:44,700
- Is that Archer?
- Goddamn it.
104
00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:46,201
- Archer, hey.
- Go away.
105
00:05:46,371 --> 00:05:48,362
- About your operations account...
- Not...
106
00:05:48,540 --> 00:05:50,098
- Cyril, not now.
- Yes, now.
107
00:05:50,275 --> 00:05:52,766
- Not a good time.
- You've got serious discrepancies...
108
00:05:52,945 --> 00:05:54,606
- in your account.
- No, Cyril.
109
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:58,546
I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds
for personal expenses.
110
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,552
Come on, 22 black.
111
00:06:03,722 --> 00:06:06,190
Twenty-two black. Twenty-two.
112
00:06:06,358 --> 00:06:09,020
Black. Ass. Son of a bitch. Heh.
113
00:06:09,761 --> 00:06:14,528
Not you, giant African man.
I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?
114
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,032
How about this expensive prostitute?
115
00:06:17,202 --> 00:06:19,466
That is a very serious implication, Cyril.
116
00:06:19,638 --> 00:06:21,230
Well, so is embezzlement.
117
00:06:21,406 --> 00:06:25,467
Yeah? Well, so is the fact that you,
some crazy-how, are screwing my ex.
118
00:06:25,644 --> 00:06:27,908
- Archer, please. That's private.
- Not calm enough?
119
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,071
You all know about Cyril and Lana, right?
120
00:06:30,249 --> 00:06:33,548
Of course, because if Pam knows,
then everybody knows...
121
00:06:33,719 --> 00:06:36,711
because of Pam's huge mouth.
Right, Pam?
122
00:06:36,888 --> 00:06:40,984
H.R. Mediations are supposed
to be confidential, Pam, you manatee.
123
00:06:41,994 --> 00:06:45,191
- And as for you, Cyril, good day, sir.
- Archer.
124
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,492
Hey, wait. What about your account?
Oh, I get it.
125
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:50,532
Classic misdirection.
126
00:06:52,771 --> 00:06:55,535
No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry.
127
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,235
- Mr. Archer.
- I'm fine.
128
00:06:57,409 --> 00:06:59,434
Is she in or out eating a baby?
129
00:06:59,611 --> 00:07:02,273
- You stood me up again last night.
- Last...?
130
00:07:02,447 --> 00:07:05,678
Oh, yeah. Oh, my. What happened was...
131
00:07:05,851 --> 00:07:09,685
Did you see Brian's Song?
Same thing pretty much happened.
132
00:07:10,589 --> 00:07:14,218
I helped a guy with cancer.
Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
133
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,451
It's Cheryl.
134
00:07:15,627 --> 00:07:18,562
I know, Ca... Cheryl.
So to make it up to you...
135
00:07:20,432 --> 00:07:22,059
- I'm ready.
- could you buzz me in?
136
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:25,601
Ugh. Is that all you have to say?
137
00:07:27,706 --> 00:07:29,071
Yes.
138
00:07:30,642 --> 00:07:32,371
Now tell me again how...
139
00:07:32,544 --> 00:07:35,274
No, not that part. Go back. Yes.
140
00:07:35,614 --> 00:07:39,983
The pepper. Oh, yes, God. Oh, God.
141
00:07:40,152 --> 00:07:42,620
Oh, goddamn it.
142
00:07:42,788 --> 00:07:44,779
What the hell are you doing?
143
00:07:44,956 --> 00:07:46,082
What are you doing?
144
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,590
L... I'm...
145
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,355
For your information, I've just been
reviewing your operations account.
146
00:07:52,531 --> 00:07:54,658
- No. No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
147
00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:56,164
- Yes. Yes.
- No. No.
148
00:07:56,335 --> 00:07:58,132
And it makes for fascinating reading.
149
00:07:58,303 --> 00:07:59,827
- No.
- Let's see.
150
00:08:00,005 --> 00:08:02,735
You turned in an expense report
from Berlin...
151
00:08:02,908 --> 00:08:05,342
where the German desk says
you never checked in.
152
00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:07,808
- Oh, Berlin was...
- Ditto Buenos Aires.
153
00:08:07,979 --> 00:08:09,776
- Too busy to check in?
- There was... Yeah.
154
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:10,972
Already off to Monaco?
155
00:08:11,149 --> 00:08:14,118
- I'm spying.
- Or was it Mallorca? Oh.
156
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:17,187
- Or Tunis?
- Tunis kind of rings a bell.
157
00:08:17,356 --> 00:08:19,950
ISIS isn't your own personal
travel agency.
158
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:24,289
It doesn't exist just so you can jet off
to Whore Island.
159
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,795
That's not a real place.
160
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:30,594
I have 50 agents who'd literally kill
to move up to your position.
161
00:08:30,769 --> 00:08:33,499
If you don't square
your operations account by Monday...
162
00:08:33,672 --> 00:08:36,937
they won't need to.
Your position will be vacant.
163
00:08:37,542 --> 00:08:40,773
- Sterling.
- Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island.
164
00:08:40,946 --> 00:08:42,208
Have I made myself clear?
165
00:08:42,381 --> 00:08:44,975
Are you...?
You're looking for the answer "yes"?
166
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,583
- Yes. Good.
- Then, yes.
167
00:08:46,752 --> 00:08:47,776
Then get out.
168
00:08:47,953 --> 00:08:50,319
And for God's sake, take a shower.
169
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,116
Smells like a whorehouse in here.
170
00:08:52,290 --> 00:08:53,552
Okay. Your own fingers.
171
00:08:53,725 --> 00:08:55,317
- Hm?
- Nothing.
172
00:08:56,461 --> 00:08:57,951
Johnny Bench called.
173
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:02,924
So here's the thing.
174
00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:06,730
I need to access my operations account
and you're preventing that.
175
00:09:06,905 --> 00:09:10,671
Now, we can do this easy
or we can do it hard.
176
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:14,369
Your call. No? Hard it is then.
177
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:19,814
- Oh, God, sorry.
- Goddamn it, Archer.
178
00:09:19,985 --> 00:09:22,852
- I forgot that... Did I get you?
- What is wrong with you?
179
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:27,014
Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand,
have a bullet inside you.
180
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:30,753
- I see the foot's all better.
- And I see you're still a hatchet-face prick.
181
00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:33,693
- Do you see that sign?
- Do you see that sign?
182
00:09:35,066 --> 00:09:39,002
- Well...
- That's why. So we don't get ants.
183
00:09:40,238 --> 00:09:43,207
Because when your co-workers
put food in the refrigerator...
184
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,673
that's a bond of trust, okay?
185
00:09:46,011 --> 00:09:49,708
And if you violate that trust, or the food,
there's...
186
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:52,076
There's my favorite section head.
187
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,946
I am dealing
with the break room problem.
188
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,283
Oh, good. You caught the...
Oh, wait I had something for this.
189
00:09:58,457 --> 00:10:00,049
- The Pita Predator.
- You know what?
190
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,125
Sorry. Let's just call it what it is.
191
00:10:02,861 --> 00:10:04,692
- Food rapist.
- Not a pretty name, is it?
192
00:10:04,863 --> 00:10:07,832
Pam, if you want some food
that's supposed to be cream-filled...
193
00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:10,058
I offer these delicious doughnuts.
194
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:11,702
- Yeah?
- In exchange for a favor.
195
00:10:11,870 --> 00:10:12,928
- A favor?
- Yeah.
196
00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:15,231
After how you treated me?
197
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,137
- **** your dolphin, Pam.
- Archer, she's down, all right?
198
00:10:18,310 --> 00:10:20,403
- Your ******* dolphin.
- She's tapping out.
199
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,069
- You.
- I think she peed.
200
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,442
I had to get three stitches.
201
00:10:24,616 --> 00:10:27,107
And I broke my watch.
And I'm sorry for that.
202
00:10:27,285 --> 00:10:30,846
- Three...
- But I need your help, Pam, because I'm...
203
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:33,786
um, conducting a mole hunt.
204
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:35,153
- Aah.
- Gasp you should...
205
00:10:35,327 --> 00:10:38,125
because if you let me in the mainframe,
I'll drop these doughnuts.
206
00:10:38,296 --> 00:10:42,790
Then you can pretend they're marbles
and you're a hungry, hungry...
207
00:10:45,136 --> 00:10:47,366
hungry hippo.
208
00:10:47,539 --> 00:10:52,101
Lana. Hey, I know I'm supposed to be
up my own ass right now but...
209
00:10:53,645 --> 00:10:55,306
- Oh, is that what you want?
- Yup.
210
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,313
- Because that's how you get ants.
- Yay.
211
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,944
Cyril, my favorite section head.
212
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,486
- What do you want?
- To apologize for my behavior.
213
00:11:04,656 --> 00:11:06,089
- Well...
- And also to...
214
00:11:06,258 --> 00:11:09,625
- What are you doing?
- Oh, just dicing veggies for dinner.
215
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,490
- I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday.
- Neat. Listen...
216
00:11:12,664 --> 00:11:15,861
- Guess what we call it.
- Stir Friday?
217
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:19,031
- Wow, that's actually better.
- Yup.
218
00:11:19,204 --> 00:11:21,399
It's all yours.
So come let me in the mainframe.
219
00:11:21,573 --> 00:11:24,133
Is this about your operations account?
220
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,674
- No. Cyril...
- Yeah?
221
00:11:25,844 --> 00:11:27,869
I'm on a top-secret mole hunt.
222
00:11:28,046 --> 00:11:29,479
Oh, yeah, Pam mentioned that.
223
00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:32,116
- Wha...? When?
- Well, she called a minute ago.
224
00:11:32,284 --> 00:11:35,617
- You know how Pam loves to gossip.
- Yeah. I need rug marbles. I know.
225
00:11:35,787 --> 00:11:37,584
- Come let me into the mainframe.
- Okay.
226
00:11:37,756 --> 00:11:41,487
- I need to confirm this with your mother.
- No. No. I mean, what? Cyril.
227
00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:45,128
- What if she is the mole? Think about it.
- Your own mother.
228
00:11:45,297 --> 00:11:48,164
Think what that would do to me
if we had to kill her...
229
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:52,030
- Archer.
- by stabbing her wrinkly neck...
230
00:11:52,203 --> 00:11:54,865
- with a knife?
- Yeah. I can't let you in there.
231
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,372
Can't or won't?
232
00:11:57,709 --> 00:12:00,143
- Either?
- And after I gave you Stir Friday.
233
00:12:00,312 --> 00:12:01,643
- That is much better.
- I know.
234
00:12:01,813 --> 00:12:04,805
- But if you wanna access the mainframe...
- What?
235
00:12:04,983 --> 00:12:07,383
I guess you'd have to break in.
236
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,251
Break in to the ISIS mainframe.
237
00:12:12,424 --> 00:12:16,656
Which is obviously ludicrous.
As is this baby corn.
238
00:12:16,828 --> 00:12:18,955
What is that about? Archer?
239
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:23,729
ISIS headquarters makes Fort Knox
look like a gingerbread house.
240
00:12:23,902 --> 00:12:25,460
Only two means of ingress.
241
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:30,199
The first, at street level.
Impenetrable after 6.
242
00:12:30,909 --> 00:12:33,036
The second, through an access door
on the roof.
243
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,736
Inexplicably unprotected.
244
00:12:37,349 --> 00:12:40,284
But even if you zip-lined across...
245
00:12:40,452 --> 00:12:41,942
reached the access door...
246
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,384
and somehow made it
into ISIS headquarters...
247
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:47,889
you'd still have to find the mainframe.
248
00:12:48,293 --> 00:12:50,625
But, wait, it gets worse.
249
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,523
Inside, there are three
countermeasure systems.
250
00:12:53,698 --> 00:12:55,962
The first is pressure sensitive in the floor.
251
00:12:56,134 --> 00:12:57,601
Even a mouse triggers it.
252
00:12:57,769 --> 00:13:02,138
The second is sound sensitive.
Anything above a whisper sets it off.
253
00:13:02,307 --> 00:13:05,572
And the third system
is state-of-the-art voice activation.
254
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,269
Cyril Figgis.
255
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,248
So, obviously,
it would be a lot easier for me...
256
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:18,549
if you just disabled all that
when you left work tonight... somehow.
257
00:13:18,723 --> 00:13:23,660
- Ooh. That would make me uncomfortable.
- Yeah.
258
00:13:23,828 --> 00:13:26,092
Oh, God,
everything makes you uncomfortable.
259
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,998
Just the tip?
260
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:30,759
Just the tip.
261
00:13:31,036 --> 00:13:32,936
Just the tip.
262
00:13:33,204 --> 00:13:35,331
How was I to know
you're lactose intolerant?
263
00:13:35,507 --> 00:13:36,872
Because I kept screaming it.
264
00:13:37,042 --> 00:13:38,168
- Well, what?
- And this...
265
00:13:38,343 --> 00:13:39,776
I'm just a secretary.
266
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,846
- I don't have access to security whatevers.
- What?
267
00:13:44,015 --> 00:13:46,483
- Then get them from Cyril.
- How would I do that?
268
00:13:46,651 --> 00:13:50,678
- Seduce him or Pam, or both.
- I can't do that.
269
00:13:50,855 --> 00:13:52,447
- Can't or won't?
- Either.
270
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,320
That's how you wanna play it? Fine.
271
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,490
- Are you gonna pay for your lunch?
- Just the tip.
272
00:14:00,932 --> 00:14:02,957
Actually, I don't have any cash.
273
00:14:03,702 --> 00:14:08,002
Can you get it? Sorry.
I also need cab fare.
274
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,998
Oh, ugly duckling.
275
00:14:11,176 --> 00:14:12,905
Bock, bock.
276
00:14:16,448 --> 00:14:18,109
So thanks for nothing, Carol.
277
00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:22,310
Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters
in a $900 turtleneck.
278
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,715
And if it gets ruined...
279
00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:27,324
I'm gonna make you drink
heavy cream, you...
280
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,516
Carol.
281
00:14:33,364 --> 00:14:35,992
Wow, that was actually pretty easy.
Thanks, new turtleneck.
282
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:39,567
Oh, and thank you, duffel bag.
283
00:14:39,738 --> 00:14:41,535
Jesus, what else could go wrong?
284
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,581
Exactly. You're not Archer.
That's what's so great about you.
285
00:14:54,119 --> 00:14:55,711
And the fact
your mother died in a fire.
286
00:14:56,054 --> 00:14:58,352
- What?
- I said where are we on that stir-fry?
287
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,650
Agent Kane. What?
288
00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:01,883
Yes, confirmed.
289
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:05,996
Confirmed a naughty nellie's breaking
our after-work phone rule.
290
00:15:06,164 --> 00:15:08,462
- Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS.
- What?
291
00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:10,498
- Think it's the mole?
- God, you and Pam...
292
00:15:10,668 --> 00:15:12,499
- Pam's all right.
- Wow.
293
00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:14,399
Okay. I've got to go.
294
00:15:14,572 --> 00:15:16,938
- But it's Stir Friday.
- Hurray.
295
00:15:17,175 --> 00:15:21,544
- But if I'm not here...
- Yeah.
296
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,875
Because after three months
of whatever it is we're doing...
297
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,985
it's weird that you can't leave me alone
in your apartment.
298
00:15:29,154 --> 00:15:31,952
- I know I have trust issues, all right?
- But it's...
299
00:15:32,123 --> 00:15:34,318
- It's Archer's fault I'm like this.
- Here we go.
300
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:37,518
- All of those years of lying and cheating.
- It's fine.
301
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,390
That thing with the mayonnaise.
302
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,623
- How messed up he is about his mother.
- Fine.
303
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,234
Do you know he called out her name once
when we f...?
304
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,929
Fine!
305
00:15:49,307 --> 00:15:52,105
- And here we are. All fine.
- Cyril, come on, hon, please?
306
00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,070
Now who's a naughty nellie?
307
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,457
- Hello?
- Hi, who's this?
308
00:15:56,481 --> 00:15:58,142
Cyril Figgis.
309
00:15:58,316 --> 00:16:00,045
I'm sorry. Did you say Faggis?
310
00:16:00,218 --> 00:16:02,743
- Figgis. Figgis.
- Who is it? Better not be Pam.
311
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,980
- Not Faggis?
- Figgis. I was very clear.
312
00:16:05,156 --> 00:16:07,488
Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock
and my name is...
313
00:16:07,659 --> 00:16:09,456
Cyril Figgis.
314
00:16:12,964 --> 00:16:15,899
Holy shit. Our security is atrocious.
315
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,796
Seriously, it's really bad.
316
00:16:18,736 --> 00:16:19,760
Password.
317
00:16:20,071 --> 00:16:23,700
Hm. Password. How about "guest"?
318
00:16:23,875 --> 00:16:25,342
No way.
319
00:16:25,510 --> 00:16:30,140
It can't be.
Jesus Christ, that is just Baby Town frolics.
320
00:16:30,315 --> 00:16:34,411
Okay, operations account.
Just how deep in the red am I?
321
00:16:34,586 --> 00:16:37,077
Out of my mind. Oh, no.
322
00:16:37,255 --> 00:16:40,122
How? How did I spend that much money?
323
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:43,120
Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse.
That's why I bought 10.
324
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:44,784
Now arrange those by color.
325
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:46,658
These are all black.
326
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:52,292
Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black
and five in a slightly darker black?
327
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:56,065
And now I'm short
a slightly darker black one.
328
00:16:56,241 --> 00:16:58,709
So let's just put all my expenses...
329
00:16:58,877 --> 00:17:02,870
into some pathetic idiot's account
by the name of...
330
00:17:04,182 --> 00:17:06,116
Oh, Krenshaw.
331
00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:08,912
- Oh. Now that's not very nice.
- Oh, God.
332
00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:14,115
Hey, I was... I was just talking about you.
And about how this isn't what it looks like.
333
00:17:14,292 --> 00:17:16,783
- A lot of that going around.
- Yeah. It's an epidemic.
334
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:20,192
For example, my real name is Kremenski.
335
00:17:20,365 --> 00:17:23,562
- Is that sound...? Is that Jewish?
- It's Russian.
336
00:17:23,735 --> 00:17:25,532
Um...
337
00:17:26,905 --> 00:17:28,634
- Russian-Jewish?
- I'm the mole, idiot.
338
00:17:28,806 --> 00:17:30,364
What? I made up the mole.
339
00:17:30,541 --> 00:17:33,977
Yes, but you told Pam and now
everyone is looking for a real mole.
340
00:17:34,145 --> 00:17:35,339
God, do we hate Pam.
341
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,413
- So I have to escape.
- And irony.
342
00:17:37,582 --> 00:17:39,743
Thanks for breaking
into the mainframe for me.
343
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:42,785
- Double irony.
- I'll need 50,000 for travel expenses.
344
00:17:42,954 --> 00:17:44,649
- Fifty thousand?
- From your account.
345
00:17:44,822 --> 00:17:48,553
- That's too much.
- It's all last-minute bookings for two.
346
00:17:48,726 --> 00:17:51,422
Wha...? Oh.
347
00:17:51,596 --> 00:17:54,724
Because when I hand
the notorious Duchess to the KGB...
348
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:57,527
I won't just get a promotion,
I'll get my own dacha.
349
00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,863
- Too bad you'll never see it.
- What the...?
350
00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:03,534
Lana, Krenshaw's a mole.
351
00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,268
And his name's not really Krenshaw,
it's Kremenski.
352
00:18:06,444 --> 00:18:10,039
Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew.
I don't know. Thoughts?
353
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,705
Yeah. Shut up. And you, drop it.
354
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:15,216
- Or what?
- No, no, no. Do not wind her up.
355
00:18:15,386 --> 00:18:18,116
That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy.
356
00:18:18,756 --> 00:18:21,247
- Baby crazy?
- That's why I dumped her.
357
00:18:21,426 --> 00:18:23,451
- You little... You sack of shit.
- What? What?
358
00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:28,497
I dumped you because you're dragging
around a 35-year-old umbilical cord.
359
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:32,568
See? All you talk about is baby shit
because you're baby crazy.
360
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,729
- You wanna see crazy?
- No, I've seen that movie...
361
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:39,900
and spoiler alert, it ends with
a closetful of my suits on fire.
362
00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:43,946
- I wish you'd been wearing one.
- Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?
363
00:18:44,115 --> 00:18:45,980
- Cosplay enthusiasts.
- What?
364
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:49,449
Do you even hear
how totally batshit insane you sound?
365
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:50,951
I'll tell you what I hear.
366
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:58,221
Yeah, please keep talking.
367
00:18:58,396 --> 00:19:01,559
So why are you sitting here in the car
eating stir-fry?
368
00:19:01,733 --> 00:19:05,829
Oh, it's Stir Friday. And Lana said to.
369
00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:07,733
- Krenshaw?
- Ms. Archer?
370
00:19:07,905 --> 00:19:10,999
- What's this flap about a break-in?
- Mother, look out.
371
00:19:11,175 --> 00:19:12,267
Krenshaw is a mole.
372
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:15,674
Oh, Pam's just full of crap
as she is of carbohydrates.
373
00:19:15,847 --> 00:19:18,941
- Now... Hey.
- Not this time, you impossible bitch.
374
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:20,982
Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
375
00:19:21,152 --> 00:19:23,643
- I am always nice to her.
- To her face.
376
00:19:23,821 --> 00:19:26,915
- Why aren't you in the car?
- Will somebody do something?
377
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,449
What are you doing, you idiot?
378
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,925
Shut up. It's classic misdirection.
379
00:19:32,096 --> 00:19:35,532
Looks like we've got
a Mexican standoff, Kremenski.
380
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,531
How is this a Mexican standoff?
381
00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:40,296
- Dumb-ass.
- I don't care if you shoot her.
382
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:44,202
- I do.
- But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
383
00:19:44,375 --> 00:19:46,206
- Sterling?
- Yes.
384
00:19:46,377 --> 00:19:48,845
- Picture her dead in the gutter...
- Sterling.
385
00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:53,143
And what your pathetic life will be like
without old Mommy dearest.
386
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,716
Jesus Christ.
387
00:19:54,886 --> 00:19:56,581
- What is it?
- He's got an erection.
388
00:19:56,754 --> 00:19:59,279
- What?
- What the hell is wrong with you people?
389
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:04,120
Nothing. You, on the other hand...
Ow. Ow.
390
00:20:04,295 --> 00:20:05,853
- An erection?
- Ow. Hey.
391
00:20:06,030 --> 00:20:07,258
What's in there, buckles?
392
00:20:07,432 --> 00:20:10,265
The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?
393
00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:12,164
No, just half of one.
394
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:16,238
The other half would have really
missed you. I mean, not...
395
00:20:16,541 --> 00:20:17,735
- Oh.
- Ugh.
396
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:21,200
Johnny Bench called.
397
00:20:21,479 --> 00:20:24,915
Yep. See here, Krenshaw just stole 50,000
from Archer's account.
398
00:20:25,083 --> 00:20:28,519
- Must have been doing it all along.
- Apology accepted, ass douche.
399
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,586
- What?
- Call him that again...
400
00:20:30,755 --> 00:20:32,188
- Make me.
- What?
401
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,324
- Do you see this?
- I just don't understand.
402
00:20:34,492 --> 00:20:38,223
- This is a hostile work environment.
- I would have known if we had a mole.
403
00:20:38,396 --> 00:20:39,829
- How?
- How what, dear?
404
00:20:39,997 --> 00:20:43,023
- How could you know if we had a mole?
- Um...
405
00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:46,830
Then I am taking hot pepper...
406
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:52,172
- and slowly I am rubbing it around...
- Goddamn it.
407
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:55,038
Hello? Darling?
408
00:20:55,313 --> 00:20:59,374
- Who was this?
- Who are you, Comrade Question?
409
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,518
And who are you, Comrade Questions?
410
00:21:01,686 --> 00:21:02,914
- Comrade...?
- Oh, shut up.
411
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,520
You and your erection.
412
00:21:04,689 --> 00:21:07,249
- And why are there doughnuts everywhere?
- Lana did that.
413
00:21:07,425 --> 00:21:11,725
Do you want ants?
Because that's how you get ants.
32994