All language subtitles for Anger.Management.S02E80.HDTV.x264-LOL

So yesterday,
I was giving a eulogy

for the first gal
I ever slept with.

Sorry, Ed.

Was this a close cousin?

Hey, hey, Ed just lost someone
that he cared about

and he's going through
a tough time right now.

Tell us how
you're feeling, Ed.

Sad...

that people knew
I slept with her.

It was an open casket

and she looked like hell.

But I made sure
during the eulogy

that people knew
that when I slept with her,

she was
a fine-looking woman.

I'm sure that was a great
comfort to her family.

Anybody got anything else
they want to talk about?

Yeah, if you know anybody
who might want to rent a limo,

here,

I got new business cards.

"Nolan Johnson,
limo driver ordinaire."

Yeah, it's French
for ordinary.

That's a great picture
of you, Nolan.

- Thanks.
- It's Matthew McConaughey.

Why do you have him
on your business card?

Because it says
award-winning service

and I don't have an Oscar.

All right, all right,
all right.

You know, you should give
one of these to Sean.

He gives kickbacks
to limo drivers

who bring guys
to his strip club.

Cool. This handing out
cards thing

is already way better
than my old business plan.

You mean sitting home alone
doing absolutely nothing?

Yeah. I even tried
sleeping till noon.

Nada.

I have something, too.

I'd like to apologize
to everyone

for wearing the same outfit
I wore three months ago.

Well, thank you
for finally saying what
none of us were thinking.

- Still having money problems?
- Yeah, I'm totally broke.

I barely have any food
to eat and my electricity
just got cut off.

I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
it had gotten that bad.

No, it's great.
The worse my situation gets,

the sooner my dad's
gonna break and give me
back my big allowance.

Quit depending on your daddy
for money already

and marry some dot-com
billionaire.

I am proud of you, Ed.
I thought for sure

you were going to say
"dot-head billionaire."

I didn't say that?
Damn it.

Lacey, you shouldn't have
to depend on anybody.

You should start taking
responsibility for
your own life.

I am.
I'm the one taking selfies
to make my dad feel guilty.

If somebody else
was taking them,

they'd be called
somebody-elsies.

Oh, wait.
Somebody-elsies.

I think I just
invented something.

Yes, it's called
taking pictures.

All right, Lacey.
We're gonna talk about this
some more next week.

Fine, by then
I'll be in a better mood

'cause I'll have
all that money from my dad.

Okay. I'm gonna go
into the kitchen now

and scream into a dishrag.

See you all next week.

Oh, hey.

Hey, um, can you
initial those papers
on the counter?

It's just a routine
department head sign-off.

Those prisoners
have already been approved
for early release.

Wait a minute.
This savage?

This murderer?
This psychopath?

There you go.

Can I get your
opinion on something?

Sure.

What if I get
Lacey's father

to tell her
that he's broke?

That way she finally
has to get serious about
finding a career.

That's a horrible idea.

Lying to your patients
never leads to anything good.

Great.
I'm gonna do it.

What?
Then why'd you ask me?

Sometimes you just have
to hear stuff out loud.

When you're not here,
I talk to that fridge.

It likes all my ideas,
gives me ice,

and it keeps stuff cold.

Hey, that's cold, too.

( theme music playing )

Can I offer you some tea?

Why? Because I'm Indian
and all Indians drink tea?

Maybe I want a beer.

I'm sorry.
I'll get you a beer.

No, I do want
to have a tea.

But I can't ask
for it now.

I've trapped
myself in my own
ethnic defensiveness.

I'll have a Coke.

So will you do it, Sanjay?

Telling Lacey that you've
lost the family fortune

is the best thing
for her.

I just need a couple of months
to get her on her feet.

Hasn't she suffered enough?
I got a picture of her

sharing a sandwich
with a homeless man.

She looked so sad,
she could barely make
a kissy-face selfie.

Man, she's playing you

like one of those
big Indian guitar things.

- A sitar?
- No, I don't think so.

- A big Indian guitar?
- Yeah.

- That's a sitar.
- Okay, we'll look
it up later.

Anyway, that's how
she's playing you.

( doorbell rings )

All right,
I'll do it.

Thank you.

And just for that,
I'll take your word

and we'll say
it's a sitar.

Hey.
Sorry I'm late.

I just got into a fight
with a homeless guy

who was trying
to keep the sandwich
I was only using

to take a picture
that I was gonna send
to my-- Dad.

Hello, Lacey.

What are you doing here?

Uh, that's why
I called you, Lacey.

Your father has
something to tell you

and he wanted
your therapist here
for support.

It's not good news.

What do you--
what do you mean,
not good news?

What's not good news?
What does that mean?
What do you mean?

Take it away, Sanjay.

Your mother and I
have made some bad
investments

and now we only have
enough money for her
and myself to live on.

The family fortune
is gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Like there's
only $20 million
left or something?

Lacey, I think
what your father
is trying to tell you

is that
you're on your own.

Wait.
Daddy, what the hell
did you invest in?

Tell her, Sanjay.

It seems we made some
ill-advised investments

in an extensive line
of cricket-themed
sports bars.

Turns out Americans
don't even know
what cricket is.

People assumed
they were just...

bars riddled
with insects.

So what
you're saying is...

( laughing )

I'm-- I'm poor.

I'm so poor.

Charlie,
I'm a bit concerned.

Don't be. Don't be.
We see this all the time.

I want to die!

( sobbing )

She's doing great.

Frankly, I'd be worried
if we weren't seeing this.

So you went and told Lacey
her father was broke?

And how long
was she hysterical?

About an hour.

Then she made this
high-pitched squeal like...

have you ever stepped
on a Chihuahua

and then taken
all its money?

Huh.

So you lie to your patients
and you step on dogs.

You're a terrible person.

But it worked.
After she finally
calmed down,

she agreed to come over
today and let me help her
find a career path.

- She did?
- So I think somebody
owes somebody

an "I'm sorry, Charlie."

You would be
the first somebody,
I would be the Charlie.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hey. Great news.
I found some great job
opportunities online for you.

Oh, thanks,
but I don't need
a career anymore.

I have my money
problem solved.
Sweetheart?

Coming!

Everybody,
this is my fiancé Dudley.

- Your fiancé?
- And you must be Charlie.

And you must be his
devil-may-care assistant

in search of a sexual
awakening.

Dudley proposed to me
last night on his boat.

Well, technically
it's not a boat.

It's a 200-foot yacht.

But the only boat

this one needs
to know about

is a motorboat.

( playful growling )
Brr-rr-brr-rr!

( laughing )

He seems nice.

All right,
here's the deal.

Now, when you're picking up
guys from the airport

or hotels, you just
talk up the club.

For every guy
that you bring in here,
you get 20 bucks.

I don't know.
Usually when people want
to go to a strip club,

I send them
to Girls Girls Girls.

Yeah, but see,
we're so much more
than girls.

We have food here also.
We have these incredible
boneless wings.

Usually when people
want wings,

I send them
to Wings Wings Wings.

Okay, well, where do they
go for wings and girls?

That place on Oxnard.
You know, Girls Girls
Girls and Wings.

( sighs )
Yeah, that place
is really good.

They give you the moist
towelettes before you
touch the girls.

We got to add that.

All right, 30 bucks.

- Okay.
- Yeah? All right, I have
a meeting to get to.

Just do me a favor--
sit down with the girls

and get to know them
so you can talk them up
to your passengers.

Got it.

Hi, I'm Nolan

and I'm gonna be promoting
the club in my limo.

Hi, I'm Jade.

( laughs )

You remind me
of my mom.

She used to sit around
in her underwear, too.

And you remind me
of my kid.

She has that haircut, too.

And my name's
not really Jade.
It's Agnes.

Wow. You're a mom?
You're too young.

I'm 30.
The lights in here make you
look about 10 years younger.

- How old is your kid?
- She's eight.

So if you brought her in
under these lights,

she'd disappear?

( laughs )

Why are you laughing?
I'm supposed to ask questions.

Everyone loves
pop-up ads.

They're effective.

They're informative.

The problem is
you can get rid
of them too easily.

So I've invented
a new kind of pop-up ad.

One without the X
in the corner.

You can't erase them
from your computer screen.

Ever.

You shut down,
you reboot,

they're still there.

That's horrible.

Tell that to the millions
in my bank account.

Ha, ha!

Wish there was an X
on the corner of him
right now.

Look, I'm under
no illusions

why Lacey loves me.

It's because of the bulge
in my pants.

I'm referring,
of course,

to my wallet.

That's ridiculous.

I love
your beautiful laugh

and the way
I can't see your eyes.

Hey, Lacey,
would you help me grab some
refreshments in the kitchen?

You can't leave me
alone with him.

What's that, Jordan?
You want to hear more
about pop-up ads?

You're welcome.

So...

have you always
been disgusting?

I can't let you
marry this guy, Lacey.

You're not gonna stand
between me and true love.

No, but I am
gonna stand between you
and this evil troll.

And this isn't love.
I know when you're in love.

I've seen the way
you look at shoes.

All right, so what?
So I'm marrying him
for his money.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with that as long
as it's a lot of money.

Why do you need
to marry anybody?

You can take care of yourself.
You have so much potential.

Please, I can't keep
a job for more than
a couple of months.

I don't have any skills.

Plus I steal.

But you can't
give up on yourself.

I have no other
options, Charlie.

Rich guys don't want
someone like me.

I'm almost 30.

Every year newer,
younger,

more racially ambiguous
women come along.

I can't compete with them.
( sobbing )

There, there, there.

Guys don't care
how old you are.

When was the last time
you dated someone your age?

There, there, there.
Something else.

Dudley is my last chance,

so please don't blow
this for me. Please.

Well, I'm bored.

Your friend's pretending
to be dead,

but I ain't buying it.

Just how rich is he?

Hey, Sean, it's Nolan.
I'm bringing four guys
to the club.

I told them about
the wings and the girls,

but I got
kind of confused,

so one of them might want
to dip the girls in sauce.

Bye.

So these strippers
are pretty hot, then?

Nolan:
Oh, they are so hot.

There's this one
named Jade.

She's this incredible blonde
with real boobs.

- Ah!
- Whoo!

Actually, her real
name is Agnes.

You should get a dance
from her, 'cause she really
needs the money.

She's got a kid
with scoliosis

and she's got
to support her mother
who has Alzheimer's.

That's really sad, dude.

There's also Tori.
She's so exotic.

Half Asian, half Latina
with a rocking body.

- Dibs on Tori.
- ( laughing )

Yeah, she's a child
of abuse.

And she's got
a really cool tattoo

that almost covers
that nasty C-section scar.

Can you just take us
back to the hotel?

I don't really feel
like going out anymore.

Are you sure?
I haven't even told
you about Tiffany.

She's in a great mood
because today is her
last day of chemo.

Oh, hey.
What are you doing here?

I'm meeting
Lacey's fiancé.

I'm gonna try to scare
him into leaving her.

You're wasting your time.

Nothing can scare Gollum
away from his precious.

Guess who.

This is tough.

A lot of people
have that voice.

Oh, I misunderstood.

This is BYOB.

Bring your own blonde.

I guess we'll have to share.

I really want
to smack you,

but if I did,
I wouldn't know
how to stop.

So I'm gonna go.

Lesbians.

They say they take up
5% of the population,

but in my experience,
it's more like 90.

So, why am I here?

Well, I barely know you,
so I thought I would just

buy you a drink
and wish you and Lacey
all the best.

So, to you.

You are a better man
than I am.

Well, I agree.

But what do you mean?

Well, I'm her therapist,
so I'm not allowed

to divulge
any information,
but between you and me,

I would keep
a first aid kit
next to the bed.

For what?

I mean, after
all the crazy sex

Lacey and I
will be having,

all we'll really need

is a bag
of frozen peas for me

and a bottle of cranberry
juice for the lady.

I'm just saying
that I would never
sleep in the same room

with a woman who has
that kind of a history.

Hey, that woman
is my soul mate.

I don't care
how many men

she's had sex with.

Do you care
how many men she's shot
the balls off of?

That I care
a little about.

Well, that only
happened one time

with her ex-boyfriend,
so you don't have worry.

Unless you snore
or walk or breathe

or squint a lot.

- Oh, no.
- What?

I snore sometimes.

Well, good luck.

Hey, I got your message.
Where's the group of guys?

I don't know what happened.
I was talking up the club,

the boneless wings,
the hot girls,

especially Gina
who I said looks great

after all those skin grafts
from the burns.

Nolan, you talked
about the strippers'
personal lives.

Yeah. Did you know
Adina has arthritis?

She has to take massive
amounts of ibuprofen

just to swing
around the pole.

No, I didn't know
any of that.

- Crap.
- What's the matter?

Now I feel bad for them.

I can't think of them
as sexy cop

or naughty schoolgirl

or Dorothy from
"The Wizard of Oz."

And that is why
slutty Dorothy

couldn't pick up
Toto last night.

She has arthritis.

You know that dog
has a tumor?

( sighs )

Will you stop?
What is so important?

I'm hoping to get
a freaked-out text

from Lacey saying that
Dudley left her.

I don't know
if I scared him off or not.

What if you didn't?

Then I'm out
of options.

I'll just have to tell
Lacey that I lied to her
about her family being broke.

Unless...

Unless what?

I don't know.
I thought if I said
unless...

you'd fill it in
with a great idea.

You know what
I could do?

Are you doing it again?

Yes.
You're really dropping
the ball here.

Oh, my God, Charlie.
My life is over.

Dudley just broke up
with me.

Oh, that's terrible.

But that's the kind
of decision that people make

all on their own
without any outside
influence whatsoever.

- What?
- Doesn't matter.

Just, please,
tell us what happened.

He just ran out
for no reason.

Hey, Dudley,
have you seen
my scissors?

I want to cut
the tags off the new
things you bought me.

( snoring )

Whatever.
I'll just use a knife.

( snoring )

Hey, Dudley.

- Wake up.
- What?

You were snoring.

( screaming )

And then he ran out.

I only woke him up
because he sounded like

he was gonna choke
on his own saliva

and I didn't want him
to die.

I mean, not before
we were married.

You know what?
You're better off
without him.

I was worth a billion
dollars with him.

How am I better off?

Well, off the top of my head,
your taxes are lower.

Oh, please,
I've never paid taxes
in my life.

As long as you don't vote
or use your real name

when you open a bank account,
they don't catch you.

You don't vote?

She's committing bank fraud.
You didn't hear that part?

Who cares?

I, Jolene Samson,
have nothing left.

I don't have any money
for food or rent.

- What do I do?
- You realize, don't you,

that it is your
civic responsibility?

- Get out.
- Fine.

I'll just go explain
that to the thousands
of suffragettes

who marched in
restrictive undergarments
and large hats.

Get out.

Look, you may not
see it now,

but I think you've learned
something really important
from this.

What, that men suck
and I can't depend on them?

No, no, no,
it's bigger than that.

People suck.

You can only depend
on yourself.

You know what?
You're right.

I'm not gonna wait
around for anybody
else to let me down.

I'm gonna do something
with myself and earn
my own money.

That's great.

That's exactly
what I've been waiting
to hear you say.

( knocking on door )

Coming.

Sanjay. What the hell
are you doing here?

I heard my daughter's
marrying some old man
for his money.

This charade
has gone too far.

No, no, no, no.
Everything is fine.

The old man ran away.

She's got her future
all figured out.

I'm gonna start
my own business.

I don't know
what it is yet,

but I'm gonna
find my passion,

create a business plan,
and get a loan.

Lacey, I'm so proud of you.
I will give you that loan.

But, Daddy,
you're poor.

Yeah, Daddy,
you're poor.

Yes, Charlie,
I'm poor.

So how will I do this?

Do you by chance
have a small account
in another country,

the funds of which
were not touched

by your tragic
financial collapse?

No, I don't believe so.

Well, of course you do.

Maybe it's called
the "Lacy is finally doing

something with her life

- offshore money shelter."
- Ah, yes! I remember now.

In fact, that's exactly
why I came here.

To tell you, Lacey,
I have the fund.

Thank you, Daddy.

And thank you, Charlie.

Always a pleasure, Jolene.

Don't forget to vote.