Original subtitles

So yesterday, I was giving a eulogy

for the first gal I ever slept with.

Sorry, Ed.

Was this a close cousin?

Hey, hey, Ed just lost someone that he cared about

and he's going through a tough time right now.

Tell us how you're feeling, Ed.

Sad...

that people knew I slept with her.

It was an open casket

and she looked like hell.

But I made sure during the eulogy

that people knew that when I slept with her,

she was a fine-looking woman.

I'm sure that was a great comfort to her family.

Anybody got anything else they want to talk about?

Yeah, if you know anybody who might want to rent a limo,

here,

I got new business cards.

"Nolan Johnson, limo driver ordinaire."

Yeah, it's French for ordinary.

That's a great picture of you, Nolan.

- Thanks. - It's Matthew McConaughey.

Why do you have him on your business card?

Because it says award-winning service

and I don't have an Oscar.

All right, all right, all right.

You know, you should give one of these to Sean.

He gives kickbacks to limo drivers

who bring guys to his strip club.

Cool. This handing out cards thing

is already way better than my old business plan.

You mean sitting home alone doing absolutely nothing?

Yeah. I even tried sleeping till noon.

Nada.

I have something, too.

I'd like to apologize to everyone

for wearing the same outfit I wore three months ago.

Well, thank you for finally saying what none of us were thinking.

- Still having money problems? - Yeah, I'm totally broke.

I barely have any food to eat and my electricity just got cut off.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize it had gotten that bad.

No, it's great. The worse my situation gets,

the sooner my dad's gonna break and give me back my big allowance.

Quit depending on your daddy for money already

and marry some dot-com billionaire.

I am proud of you, Ed. I thought for sure

you were going to say "dot-head billionaire."

I didn't say that? Damn it.

Lacey, you shouldn't have to depend on anybody.

You should start taking responsibility for your own life.

I am. I'm the one taking selfies to make my dad feel guilty.

If somebody else was taking them,

they'd be called somebody-elsies.

Oh, wait. Somebody-elsies.

I think I just invented something.

Yes, it's called taking pictures.

All right, Lacey. We're gonna talk about this some more next week.

Fine, by then I'll be in a better mood

'cause I'll have all that money from my dad.

Okay. I'm gonna go into the kitchen now

and scream into a dishrag.

See you all next week.

Oh, hey.

Hey, um, can you initial those papers on the counter?

It's just a routine department head sign-off.

Those prisoners have already been approved for early release.

Wait a minute. This savage?

This murderer? This psychopath?

There you go.

Can I get your opinion on something?

Sure.

What if I get Lacey's father

to tell her that he's broke?

That way she finally has to get serious about finding a career.

That's a horrible idea.

Lying to your patients never leads to anything good.

Great. I'm gonna do it.

What? Then why'd you ask me?

Sometimes you just have to hear stuff out loud.

When you're not here, I talk to that fridge.

It likes all my ideas, gives me ice,

and it keeps stuff cold.

Hey, that's cold, too.

( theme music playing )

Can I offer you some tea?

Why? Because I'm Indian and all Indians drink tea?

Maybe I want a beer.

I'm sorry. I'll get you a beer.

No, I do want to have a tea.

But I can't ask for it now.

I've trapped myself in my own ethnic defensiveness.

I'll have a Coke.

So will you do it, Sanjay?

Telling Lacey that you've lost the family fortune

is the best thing for her.

I just need a couple of months to get her on her feet.

Hasn't she suffered enough? I got a picture of her

sharing a sandwich with a homeless man.

She looked so sad, she could barely make a kissy-face selfie.

Man, she's playing you

like one of those big Indian guitar things.

- A sitar? - No, I don't think so.

- A big Indian guitar? - Yeah.

- That's a sitar. - Okay, we'll look it up later.

Anyway, that's how she's playing you.

( doorbell rings )

All right, I'll do it.

Thank you.

And just for that, I'll take your word

and we'll say it's a sitar.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

I just got into a fight with a homeless guy

who was trying to keep the sandwich I was only using

to take a picture that I was gonna send to my-- Dad.

Hello, Lacey.

What are you doing here?

Uh, that's why I called you, Lacey.

Your father has something to tell you

and he wanted your therapist here for support.

It's not good news.

What do you-- what do you mean, not good news?

What's not good news? What does that mean? What do you mean?

Take it away, Sanjay.

Your mother and I have made some bad investments

and now we only have enough money for her and myself to live on.

The family fortune is gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Like there's only $20 million left or something?

Lacey, I think what your father is trying to tell you

is that you're on your own.

Wait. Daddy, what the hell did you invest in?

Tell her, Sanjay.

It seems we made some ill-advised investments

in an extensive line of cricket-themed sports bars.

Turns out Americans don't even know what cricket is.

People assumed they were just...

bars riddled with insects.

So what you're saying is...

( laughing )

I'm-- I'm poor.

I'm so poor.

Charlie, I'm a bit concerned.

Don't be. Don't be. We see this all the time.

I want to die!

( sobbing )

She's doing great.

Frankly, I'd be worried if we weren't seeing this.

So you went and told Lacey her father was broke?

And how long was she hysterical?

About an hour.

Then she made this high-pitched squeal like...

have you ever stepped on a Chihuahua

and then taken all its money?

Huh.

So you lie to your patients and you step on dogs.

You're a terrible person.

But it worked. After she finally calmed down,

she agreed to come over today and let me help her find a career path.

- She did? - So I think somebody owes somebody

an "I'm sorry, Charlie."

You would be the first somebody, I would be the Charlie.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hey. Great news. I found some great job opportunities online for you.

Oh, thanks, but I don't need a career anymore.

I have my money problem solved. Sweetheart?

Coming!

Everybody, this is my fiancé Dudley.

- Your fiancé? - And you must be Charlie.

And you must be his devil-may-care assistant

in search of a sexual awakening.

Dudley proposed to me last night on his boat.

Well, technically it's not a boat.

It's a 200-foot yacht.

But the only boat

this one needs to know about

is a motorboat.

( playful growling ) Brr-rr-brr-rr!

( laughing )

He seems nice.

All right, here's the deal.

Now, when you're picking up guys from the airport

or hotels, you just talk up the club.

For every guy that you bring in here, you get 20 bucks.

I don't know. Usually when people want to go to a strip club,

I send them to Girls Girls Girls.

Yeah, but see, we're so much more than girls.

We have food here also. We have these incredible boneless wings.

Usually when people want wings,

I send them to Wings Wings Wings.

Okay, well, where do they go for wings and girls?

That place on Oxnard. You know, Girls Girls Girls and Wings.

( sighs ) Yeah, that place is really good.

They give you the moist towelettes before you touch the girls.

We got to add that.

All right, 30 bucks.

- Okay. - Yeah? All right, I have a meeting to get to.

Just do me a favor-- sit down with the girls

and get to know them so you can talk them up to your passengers.

Got it.

Hi, I'm Nolan

and I'm gonna be promoting the club in my limo.

Hi, I'm Jade.

( laughs )

You remind me of my mom.

She used to sit around in her underwear, too.

And you remind me of my kid.

She has that haircut, too.

And my name's not really Jade. It's Agnes.

Wow. You're a mom? You're too young.

I'm 30. The lights in here make you look about 10 years younger.

- How old is your kid? - She's eight.

So if you brought her in under these lights,

she'd disappear?

( laughs )

Why are you laughing? I'm supposed to ask questions.

Everyone loves pop-up ads.

They're effective.

They're informative.

The problem is you can get rid of them too easily.

So I've invented a new kind of pop-up ad.

One without the X in the corner.

You can't erase them from your computer screen.

Ever.

You shut down, you reboot,

they're still there.

That's horrible.

Tell that to the millions in my bank account.

Ha, ha!

Wish there was an X on the corner of him right now.

Look, I'm under no illusions

why Lacey loves me.

It's because of the bulge in my pants.

I'm referring, of course,

to my wallet.

That's ridiculous.

I love your beautiful laugh

and the way I can't see your eyes.

Hey, Lacey, would you help me grab some refreshments in the kitchen?

You can't leave me alone with him.

What's that, Jordan? You want to hear more about pop-up ads?

You're welcome.

So...

have you always been disgusting?

I can't let you marry this guy, Lacey.

You're not gonna stand between me and true love.

No, but I am gonna stand between you and this evil troll.

And this isn't love. I know when you're in love.

I've seen the way you look at shoes.

All right, so what? So I'm marrying him for his money.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that as long as it's a lot of money.

Why do you need to marry anybody?

You can take care of yourself. You have so much potential.

Please, I can't keep a job for more than a couple of months.

I don't have any skills.

Plus I steal.

But you can't give up on yourself.

I have no other options, Charlie.

Rich guys don't want someone like me.

I'm almost 30.

Every year newer, younger,

more racially ambiguous women come along.

I can't compete with them. ( sobbing )

There, there, there.

Guys don't care how old you are.

When was the last time you dated someone your age?

There, there, there. Something else.

Dudley is my last chance,

so please don't blow this for me. Please.

Well, I'm bored.

Your friend's pretending to be dead,

but I ain't buying it.

Just how rich is he?

Hey, Sean, it's Nolan. I'm bringing four guys to the club.

I told them about the wings and the girls,

but I got kind of confused,

so one of them might want to dip the girls in sauce.

Bye.

So these strippers are pretty hot, then?

Nolan: Oh, they are so hot.

There's this one named Jade.

She's this incredible blonde with real boobs.

- Ah! - Whoo!

Actually, her real name is Agnes.

You should get a dance from her, 'cause she really needs the money.

She's got a kid with scoliosis

and she's got to support her mother who has Alzheimer's.

That's really sad, dude.

There's also Tori. She's so exotic.

Half Asian, half Latina with a rocking body.

- Dibs on Tori. - ( laughing )

Yeah, she's a child of abuse.

And she's got a really cool tattoo

that almost covers that nasty C-section scar.

Can you just take us back to the hotel?

I don't really feel like going out anymore.

Are you sure? I haven't even told you about Tiffany.

She's in a great mood because today is her last day of chemo.

Oh, hey. What are you doing here?

I'm meeting Lacey's fiancé.

I'm gonna try to scare him into leaving her.

You're wasting your time.

Nothing can scare Gollum away from his precious.

Guess who.

This is tough.

A lot of people have that voice.

Oh, I misunderstood.

This is BYOB.

Bring your own blonde.

I guess we'll have to share.

I really want to smack you,

but if I did, I wouldn't know how to stop.

So I'm gonna go.

Lesbians.

They say they take up 5% of the population,

but in my experience, it's more like 90.

So, why am I here?

Well, I barely know you, so I thought I would just

buy you a drink and wish you and Lacey all the best.

So, to you.

You are a better man than I am.

Well, I agree.

But what do you mean?

Well, I'm her therapist, so I'm not allowed

to divulge any information, but between you and me,

I would keep a first aid kit next to the bed.

For what?

I mean, after all the crazy sex

Lacey and I will be having,

all we'll really need

is a bag of frozen peas for me

and a bottle of cranberry juice for the lady.

I'm just saying that I would never sleep in the same room

with a woman who has that kind of a history.

Hey, that woman is my soul mate.

I don't care how many men

she's had sex with.

Do you care how many men she's shot the balls off of?

That I care a little about.

Well, that only happened one time

with her ex-boyfriend, so you don't have worry.

Unless you snore or walk or breathe

or squint a lot.

- Oh, no. - What?

I snore sometimes.

Well, good luck.

Hey, I got your message. Where's the group of guys?

I don't know what happened. I was talking up the club,

the boneless wings, the hot girls,

especially Gina who I said looks great

after all those skin grafts from the burns.

Nolan, you talked about the strippers' personal lives.

Yeah. Did you know Adina has arthritis?

She has to take massive amounts of ibuprofen

just to swing around the pole.

No, I didn't know any of that.

- Crap. - What's the matter?

Now I feel bad for them.

I can't think of them as sexy cop

or naughty schoolgirl

or Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."

And that is why slutty Dorothy

couldn't pick up Toto last night.

She has arthritis.

You know that dog has a tumor?

( sighs )

Will you stop? What is so important?

I'm hoping to get a freaked-out text

from Lacey saying that Dudley left her.

I don't know if I scared him off or not.

What if you didn't?

Then I'm out of options.

I'll just have to tell Lacey that I lied to her about her family being broke.

Unless...

Unless what?

I don't know. I thought if I said unless...

you'd fill it in with a great idea.

You know what I could do?

Are you doing it again?

Yes. You're really dropping the ball here.

Oh, my God, Charlie. My life is over.

Dudley just broke up with me.

Oh, that's terrible.

But that's the kind of decision that people make

all on their own without any outside influence whatsoever.

- What? - Doesn't matter.

Just, please, tell us what happened.

He just ran out for no reason.

Hey, Dudley, have you seen my scissors?

I want to cut the tags off the new things you bought me.

( snoring )

Whatever. I'll just use a knife.

( snoring )

Hey, Dudley.

- Wake up. - What?

You were snoring.

( screaming )

And then he ran out.

I only woke him up because he sounded like

he was gonna choke on his own saliva

and I didn't want him to die.

I mean, not before we were married.

You know what? You're better off without him.

I was worth a billion dollars with him.

How am I better off?

Well, off the top of my head, your taxes are lower.

Oh, please, I've never paid taxes in my life.

As long as you don't vote or use your real name

when you open a bank account, they don't catch you.

You don't vote?

She's committing bank fraud. You didn't hear that part?

Who cares?

I, Jolene Samson, have nothing left.

I don't have any money for food or rent.

- What do I do? - You realize, don't you,

that it is your civic responsibility?

- Get out. - Fine.

I'll just go explain that to the thousands of suffragettes

who marched in restrictive undergarments and large hats.

Get out.

Look, you may not see it now,

but I think you've learned something really important from this.

What, that men suck and I can't depend on them?

No, no, no, it's bigger than that.

People suck.

You can only depend on yourself.

You know what? You're right.

I'm not gonna wait around for anybody else to let me down.

I'm gonna do something with myself and earn my own money.

That's great.

That's exactly what I've been waiting to hear you say.

( knocking on door )

Coming.

Sanjay. What the hell are you doing here?

I heard my daughter's marrying some old man for his money.

This charade has gone too far.

No, no, no, no. Everything is fine.

The old man ran away.

She's got her future all figured out.

I'm gonna start my own business.

I don't know what it is yet,

but I'm gonna find my passion,

create a business plan, and get a loan.

Lacey, I'm so proud of you. I will give you that loan.

But, Daddy, you're poor.

Yeah, Daddy, you're poor.

Yes, Charlie, I'm poor.

So how will I do this?

Do you by chance have a small account in another country,

the funds of which were not touched

by your tragic financial collapse?

No, I don't believe so.

Well, of course you do.

Maybe it's called the "Lacy is finally doing

something with her life

- offshore money shelter." - Ah, yes! I remember now.

In fact, that's exactly why I came here.

To tell you, Lacey, I have the fund.

Thank you, Daddy.

And thank you, Charlie.

Always a pleasure, Jolene.

Don't forget to vote.