Original subtitles

Okay, in the last five minutes of group today,

I'd like to ask Nolan what we've all been too polite to bring up...

who did your hair?

And what time is the yearbook photo?

Well, I did it.

And I think it looks terrific.

Nolan's meeting my parents this week.

Wow, well, that's big.

And I hope they like him because...

and I'm really proud of this...

Nolan is the first man I'm introducing to my parents

who I'm not using to cheat them out of money.

Round of applause, everyone.

I don't know what you're worried about, Lacey. Parents love me.

Especially when they understand I'm only hanging around the playground

because the slide is awesome.

They're not going to love you and they're not supposed to.

First time I met my father-in-law,

he punched me right in the face.

I thought it went pretty well.

Don't worry, Nolan. It can't be worse

than when my last boyfriend took me to meet his dad.

- He didn't like you? - No, I didn't like him.

He lived in a trailer.

He punched me right in the face... with his poverty.

You're gonna do great, Nolan.

Just be prepared to answer a few simple questions

like, "Where are you from?"

"What are your hobbies?" "What do you do?"

Well, I'm screwed.

All right, maybe this will help.

In a thing like this, you're dating the girl,

not the mom and dad.

Unless the mom's crazy hot,

in which case you have my summer of '93.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

No, it's fine. All right, that's time.

See you all next Monday.

Charlie, I want to talk about the budget again.

I told you, we are not using government money

to send out Christmas cards from our office. We work in a prison.

It'll be fun,

you, me, and a prisoner playing Santa.

Oh, that'll be great.

"Hey, kids, who's that coming down the chimney?

Oh, it's Santa Claus and he's here to kill us in our sleep."

Oh, my God, I am so tired

of arguing with you about everything

from scheduling and protocols to where we're ordering lunch.

Well, we wouldn't argue if you'd just agree with me

and realize that all your opinions are wrong.

I wish there was someone in the office who could act as a tiebreaker.

Fine, then let's hire somebody...

another psychologist to help us out.

We have a backlog of prisoners to see anyway.

Great. We'll post on the psychology job boards tonight

and we'll start interviewing people tomorrow.

But I will need a picture of you, me, and a prisoner to show what we do.

Oh, come on. You're just gonna Photoshop a white beard

and a red suit on the prisoner, aren't you?

How dare you accuse me of...

something I was gonna do?

- Hey, Charlie. - Oh, hey.

Oh.

Hello, Jordan.

Hello, Sean.

Well, this is awkward.

I take it you two haven't seen each other since the breakup?

It's not awkward at all. How are you, Sean?

I am well, Jordan. How are you?

I am also well, Sean.

Yep, not awkward at all.

Well, I gotta go.

- So over that girl. - Me, too.

You know what? I'm actually gonna hire somebody

just to agree with me so she loses every argument.

That's a very orderly sense of revenge.

And it creates jobs.

Well, it seems like all of your qualifications are in order.

And it says here you've even done some anger management work.

Yes, when I was completing my clinical hours, that's correct.

So what we're looking for is someone

who's not afraid to voice their opinions.

Oh, I can do that.

Okay, as an example,

I prefer to interview the prisoners

inside the cubicles for privacy.

I absolutely agree.

See, I feel that small spaces make prisoners feel tense and guarded

because it reminds them of their cells.

You're completely right.

Okay, we could do sessions out here.

I just think we need

to paint the walls blue to make it more calming.

I think blue is the best possible color.

- I prefer yellow. - Even better.

Well, this has been a really terrific interview.

Just one more thing. We are looking for someone

who isn't afraid to voice their opinions.

And you think you can do that?

Voice my opinion?

Yeah, okay.

All right, yeah, I was hoping you would say that.

I've been sitting here for the last hour

wondering how is it you guys are interviewing me.

I mean, look at you. You in that dress,

you in those shorts.

What is this, an English day school?

And, are we gonna do dressage, on one of your little plastic horses?

You know what? I think this entire program

is ridiculous and unnecessary.

So you know what? Why don't you be honest with me?

Did I get the job?

And, no, I'm not the least bit hesitant to express my opinion.

And when I worked in that minimum security prison for two years,

I was very vocal about possible improvements to the program.

And you're a doctoral candidate.

Plus your dissertation is on anger in the workplace and productivity.

- Yes, it is. - So why did you get into psychology?

And if you say, "To help people," that's gonna blow my mind

because that's why I did it.

Thank you so much for coming in.

We'll be in touch before the holidays.

- Hello? - It's so nice to meet you.

You have a great resume and you're really smart.

And I'm sure you realize that in office politics

it's best to align yourself with the top person.

I hear you loud and clear.

Let me ask you something.

You don't think that sending out Christmas cards

from an office like this would be appropriate, do you?

Absolutely not.

I think we're gonna get along great.

Me, too. As long as you understand

that I don't date people I work with

and any unwanted advances will be met with a lawsuit.

Well, that goes without saying.

I mean, now it goes without saying.

Let me go make this happen.

Well? I think we found our new associate.

Okay, now I know what your penis thinks. What do you think?

I think we should hire her.

And for the record, she doesn't date people that she works with.

And my penis and I talked, and we don't want a lawsuit.

My penis and I are saving up for a boat.

All right, fine.

- We can hire her. - Great.

But, you know, I have had some thoughts on how we could redo the office.

Well, you should write them down

and when Brianne gets here, we take a vote.

Anger Management 2x89 Charlie and the Sexy Swing Vote

So this new girl, you're gonna get with her, right?

No, Ernesto.

Women were not put on this earth so we could use them for things.

I just want this woman to agree with me

so I can crush Jordan's spirit.

You know what, Charlie?

I was just looking at our schedule and something just occurred to me.

If we came in half an hour earlier every day,

we could see five extra prisoners a week.

Yeah, and if we got here at sunrise, we could paint the barn and milk the cows.

I have other therapy groups. I have a life.

What do you think, Brianne?

I agree with you.

You hear that, Jordan? We hired an objective voice

and the objective voice agrees with me.

Except I also think it's more important

to get through this terrible backlog that you have built up.

So I'm gonna have to go with Jordan on this one.

Told you... what?!

I'm sorry, I agree with Jordan, Charlie.

Okay, we are hopelessly deadlocked on this one.

No, we are not. Brianne and I agree two to one.

And while we're talking, I think we should stay open late on Wednesday nights.

Why, so we can get all the after-theater traffic?

This is a prison, not an ice cream parlor.

Right, Brianne?

Sorry, you guys do have a backlog.

I'd like to vote on something.

I vote that we never use the word "backlog" again.

You're kidding me. I'm losing on "backlog"?

Charlie, here are your reindeer ears.

Adorable.

Brianne and I decided that we're gonna shoot the Christmas card photo today.

- What? - I'll be right back.

I have to go get our Santa look-alike.

He's in the infirmary with a shiv wound,

but he can stand long enough to take a photo.

Christmas miracle.

Brianne, you said you agreed with me about the Christmas card.

Hey, Jordan had a good argument.

Besides, I only agreed with you to get the job.

I just did what I had to do.

Thank you.

I'd fire you, but I don't think I have the votes.

Don't be nervous, Nolan.

I already told my parents that you aren't rich,

successful, cultured, educated or anything.

Hope I can live up to that.

But just so you know, I'm not nervous.

10 minutes ago, you said you were freaking out.

Yeah, but five minutes ago, I got super baked.

What? My parents are gonna be here any second.

Hey, I know how to hold my weed.

I have 35 years of experience.

You're 34.

But my mom was ripping bongs through her pregnancy.

Don't blow this.

Mom, Dad.

I'm so glad you made it.

Of course. And this must be Nolan.

Yes, Nolan, we've heard so many great...

well, we've heard things about you.

Very nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Patel.

I really like your dress. And your jewelry.

It's shiny and jingly.

It reminds me of Christmas.

And that reminds me of eggnog,

which is delicious.

Oh, yes, eggnog.

A delicious Christmas treat for boys and girls.

And he's stoned out of his mind, isn't he?

I told you, he's very childlike.

And saying dumb things is an important part of that.

Lacey, please, I don't want to start my relationship

with your parents by lying.

What were we talking about?

Oh, Lacey. You've always dated these club boys.

And now you're with this stoner?

How little you must think of yourself.

You're right, ma'am. Lacey doesn't think much of herself.

At least that's what our therapist says.

And he has brown hair.

But I think she is wonderful.

And she also has brown hair.

I've seen enough. Mira, let's go.

No, Dad, you don't understand.

Nolan is a great guy. You just have to get to know him.

I don't need to know him

because I'm aware of the effects of the ganja.

He'll never be anything more than a lazy slacker the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, Lacey,

you continue to be a constant disappointment.

Wait. What if I stopped?

- Oh, please. - No, seriously.

I'll get rid of my pot right now.

I keep my stash in her fridge.

There. If turning on this garbage disposal

doesn't prove how serious I am about my future with your daughter,

I don't know what will.

Nolan, I can't believe you just did that.

Do you see what a great guy he is?

We'll watch his progress.

Thank you.

Whatever lives in the sewer is gonna have a great time tonight.

Remind me to throw some Doritos down there in 20 minutes.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, I'd like you to meet a new member of our group.

This is Bobo.

Now, Bobo is here to punch when you're feeling frustrated.

That's what my cellmate Frankie is for.

Can't we just bring in Frankie?

No.

Bobo is here to allow Frankie's brain swelling to go down.

We just had a session with Jordan about violence

- and Jordan says that... - Jordan says a lot of things.

Jordan leaves the radio on at night

so the plastic horsies on her desk don't get lonely.

But let's all do what Jordan says.

Ooh, having a little problem with Jordan, are we?

I'm sorry. We just got a new associate

and she sides with Jordan on everything.

If you want two women to stop getting along,

get them fighting over a man.

Should be a handsome one.

I'd like to volunteer my services.

Wait a minute, didn't Jordan used to date

that scrumptious piece of man candy, Sean?

You mean my friend? The pale guy who always looks confused?

Yeah, she used to see him.

Well, if Jordan finds out that Sean dated this new associate,

her extensions would fly into space.

You're right. Especially if she sees them together.

Exactly. She would kick this new girl to the curb

faster than Nicki Minaj could write another song about her giant ass.

Listen, guys, I've done a lot

of bad things to Jordan before

and I don't want to get caught.

No, you just have to make it look like Sean

and the new girl met by accident.

Sort of like Nicki Minaj makes it look like

she got more to offer than her giant ass.

What the hell did Nicki Minaj do to you?

She won't write me back.

Guys, guys, I don't know if I want to use my best friend

to get an innocent person fired.

I mean, can you imagine doing anything more evil than that?

I once attended a human skin-tasting party.

Okay, if that's a 10,

mine's maybe a two.

Hey, Nolan. How was your day?

Ooh, take off your shoes. Take off your shoes.

What's going on?

I shampooed your carpet.

I got out the sponges and the mops

and the foamy stuff, I cleaned the whole place.

I did mine, too.

Okay, what has gotten into you?

This is who I am when I'm not on weed.

I got a lot of natural energy.

Oh, don't put the shoes on the couch!

I just conditioned the leather.

Okay. Okay. Calm down.

No, no, no. It's great.

Catching up on a lot of things I've wanted to do for years.

Want to go for a jog in the park?

I signed us up for cooking class.

Okay, you have a lot of energy for me right now.

Okay? We're gonna sit here on the couch

and watch some of your favourite cartoons, okay?

I watched a couple when I was vacuuming.

You know what? They're kind of predictable and poorly drawn.

Who are you?!

I am the person your parents are going to love.

I know!

This is how I was before I started smoking.

I haven't felt this way since I was cleaning my house when I was 14

and I found pot in my dad's sock drawer.

Look, I made a candle.

Hey, where's Jordan? She's usually early for everything.

Yeah, my bad. I accidentally told her 7:15

and I can't get a hold of her.

- Hmm. - Oh, look.

It's my buddy Sean.

- Hey, sorry I'm late. - Hey.

For what?

You called me a half an hour ago,

asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with you.

Oh, that's right. That's right.

I completely forgot that I had this meeting.

What an accident.

Brianne, my friend Sean. Sean, Brianne.

- Hey. Nice to meet you. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Why don't you take a seat and I'll go grab you a beer?

Okay, well, I'll take a burger as well.

No, you will not.

And sit here.

Okay.

Ahem.

Keep an eye on these for me, will you?

I have a date later on and I don't want you stepping on them.

Wait, so then why did you put them under the table in the first place?

It's embarrassing. It's for a girl.

Gee whiz.

- Hey, Charlie. - Jordan, hey.

Sit down. Let me buy you a drink.

Oh, wait, you're an alcoholic. You buy me a drink.

Buy your own drink. You're the guy who told me

to meet you here to talk about Wayne's anger issues.

You're right. I did. I did. And I...

- oh, my God. - What's the matter?

Don't turn around. It'll just make you sad.

Why? Is it that old lady who comes in here

and eats cake all by herself?

You know what? We should just leave.

Oh, my God.

It's Sean with Brianne.

- I can't believe this. - Me neither.

It's gonna make things tough for you around the office.

Every time she gets flowers, you'll know it's him.

Every time she leaves early, you'll know it's him.

- Every time she talks about sex... - That's it, she's fired!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't just fire somebody for dating your ex.

You can, however, make something up

so we don't get sued for wrongful termination.

Then I'll do that.

Wow, on the outside, Southern belle,

inside, pure assassin.

Oh, my God. It was so freezing out there.

I know. How great was that?

Some people would say that kind of cold

would ruin hiking and kayaking and whale watching,

but I just say it's more nature. Bring it on.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Because if I don't, I'll die.

No, you can't nap. Your parents are coming in an hour

and you got to help me put dinner on the table.

Why would you invite my parents to dinner?

Because I want to show them how different I am when I'm not smoking weed.

Unless you don't think I'm different.

Am I different? Oh, my God, I'm not different!

Yes, you are different.

And I want to say this in the nicest possible way

so that I don't hurt your feelings.

I hate you.

But your parents will like me.

I don't care anymore.

Nolan, are you happy?

No, I hate being like this!

I hated it when I was a kid.

That sock drawer changed my life.

Man, I love that sock drawer.

I'm gonna build a sock drawer.

Nolan, if you're not happy, then for the love of God,

go smoke some weed.

No, I can't. I told your parents

I don't smoke anymore and I'm not gonna be a liar.

Then you can eat it.

I'm gonna go get some pot

and put it in your damn food.

But your parents will be able to tell that I'm stoned!

No, they won't.

Because they're gonna be in the same damn food.

What's wrong with you?

Why wouldn't you tell me that Brianne works with you and Jordan at the clinic?

She does? That's where I know her from.

Don't screw with me.

Because you used me to get Jordan to fire Brianne.

No, I didn't. How'd you find out?

Because I was with Brianne

when she got the text from Jordan that she was fired

and I put all that together.

And now Jordan is pissed at me.

I just needed Jordan to see you two together.

I didn't think you guys would actually go out.

Why not? She's a total hottie.

Because I figured you'd say something like "total hottie"

during drinks and her education would kick in, that'd be the end of it.

Well, I can't believe that you did this.

All right, did I go a little overboard? Maybe.

But I got my way and only three people got hurt.

I figured I could fix that last part.

Charlie!

Well, you can start fixing the Jordan thing right now

because I told her everything.

This is the lowest thing that you have ever done.

That's debatable.

You preyed on my emotions to get what you wanted.

Okay, you're right. You're right.

And I'm sorry that I exploited your feelings for Sean.

I don't have feelings for Sean.

That's what people say when they have feelings for someone.

That's why I know Sean has feelings for you.

I don't have feelings for her.

Exhibit A.

You're not getting out of this by making this about me and Sean.

I know, but please let me try. It's the perfect diversion.

Did you hear the way you said "me and Sean"?

It wasn't like, "Me and Sean."

It was like, "Me and Sean!"

There was a thing there. Did you feel a thing?

I kind of felt a thing.

Oh, come on, Jordan. Just admit you felt a thing, too.

I am not playing this game.

Besides, I don't think Sean meant it.

Well, sure, he did.

No, I meant it.

- I missed you so much. - I missed you, too.

That's why I did all this.

So you two would finally get back together and...

Oh, shut up, Charlie.

All right. I'm gonna go to bed now.

Just... lock up when you leave.

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