Original subtitles

Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hello and welcome to Top Gear! We're back!

(CHEERING)

It's a brand-new series

and it's a very important one,

because this is a big year for the Beeb.

It is. 2022 is the centenary.

100 years of the BBC.

Go on, the Beeb!

Go on, the Beeb.

100 not out - now, that's a big innings,

but we've got the weight of history on our shoulders, boys.

We have indeed, Fred.

Did you see that trailer they put out? (GASPS)

All the greatest moments of the BBC

from all over the years - Attenborough, Strictly,

Line Of Duty.

- It was spine-tingling stuff. - FREDDIE: Were we in it?

No, we weren't.

- (LAUGHTER) - But don't worry,

because we've put our very own trailer together.

Forget 100 years of history.

Here's what we've got coming up over the next few weeks.

Open the taps, Christopher. See what she can do.

Oh, my Lord, it's fast.

PADDY: (LAUGHS) Spin it, Fred!

Yes! (LAUGHS)

Where does that jumper start and stop, and your chin finish?

Right, stop there.

I have turned a Sinclair C5 into a bobsled.

This is the one now - 12 into 13.

This looks terrifying.

Oh, my God!

Ohh-ohh...

(BOTH CHEER)

(LAUGHS)

Feels good!

Man, this is such a rush!

Go on, we're there! Go on, Chris!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Ohh!

(ENGINE ROARS)

That's my theme tune right here!

Look at me - when I grab hold of that, do not pull it!

- Have you got it? - Yeah.

(BLEEP)

- (TYRES SCREECH) - PADDY: Oh! Oh!

- Oh! - (CHRIS LAUGHS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

- (OTHERS LAUGH) - Howzat?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

All that to come,

but tonight, we're kicking off by talking about motorsport.

Isn't that right, Fred?

That's right, Pad,

because see here at Top Gear, we love a bit of racing.

But if we're being honest, we've not had much success.

- We? It's you two. - Not fair.

Formula Off Road, Baja, the GT Cup -

barely ever a finish, definitely no silverware.

But we reckon the problem isn't us,

it's just we haven't found the right race yet.

Exactly. There's got to be something we're good at.

So the producers said, "Fine.

"You want to fail at a load more motorsports? Go ahead."

And they packed us off to a corner of the world

that just loves a bit of wacky racing.

Florida!

PADDY: Welcome to the sun-soaked

seaside playground that is Miami.

Oh, yes. For a mission to find a motorsport

we were actually good at,

there were definitely worse places to kick off from.

Miami, baby!

FREDDIE: Tell you what, it's all right, this, in't it?

Here to conquer the world of motorsport

and get a tan at the same time, Patrick!

Oh, all over it! Miami, Monaco...

...Morecambe. It doesn't matter, boys,

- because we're going racing. - PADDY: Oh-oh!

Yes, we were.

And because any professional race team

needs a slick, sophisticated way of getting to the paddock,

I'd taken the liberty of sorting out

a proper F1-inspired team bus.

CHRIS: What is that?

I'm glad you asked. This, my friends,

is the Holiday Rambler Aluma Lite XL.

- FREDDIE: Wow. - 35ft of driving pleasure.

Ignore that. Right, let me talk you through

- the old girl. - Ignore that?

FREDDIE: Where have you got this from?

CHRIS: Is that wee coming out of there?

- FREDDIE: What's that? - PADDY: Ignore that.

Come round this side.

- (ALL CHUCKLE) - Come on in!

Here we go.

CHRIS: Fred, this feels like a crime scene.

Eh? Now, let me just talk you through it.

Living area.

- Driving area. - FREDDIE: Yeah.

Dining table and...

You're going to love this, you two.

...your beds. The kitchen turns into a bedroom.

You've got all this

- to yourselves, you two. - Ohh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - I've looked after you!

Who gets the master suite, then?

PADDY: Finders keepers.

(ENGINE PURRS)

FREDDIE: Whoa!

- Oh, lively, Chris, innit? - I tell you what, Pad,

you've chosen a beauty. She drives straight.

- Thank you. - A lot of power.

- A 7.4-litre V8... - 7.4?

7.4 V8, big block, straight out of a Corvette Stingray.

It's got more grunt than it's got brakes.

So we've got the idea that we're going racing,

we've got our team, we've got our team truck.

- PADDY: Race team. - Now what we need is...

...team captain.

PADDY: What are you thinking?

Well, we've got an obvious candidate.

Which one of the three of us has captained

an international England side?

I understand why you're plumping for me,

- but the captaincy... - Don't think of yourself

as a captain. Think of yourself more of a sacrificial lamb.

- FREDDIE: Oh, my word. - Hands up Flintoff captain.

Hands up Flintoff not captain.

Outvoted. Get your arm down!

Miami, baby!

Here we go, road trip!

Open the taps, Christopher. See what she can do.

(ENGINE ROARS)

(FREDDIE CHEERS)

PADDY: Listen to that V8!

FREDDIE: Do you know what, Paddy?

It's not what I expected, this RV,

- but it's perfect. - Thank you.

'80s Americana.

(FLAPPING)

What's that flapping about, Chris? What's that noise?

That's that window... Windscreen rubber.

Do you know what I like about these '80s motors, like this?

They're proper. You get in and go, "That's comfortable."

They did know how to make comfort.

I feel like Captain Cook on the...

Is it the SS Enterprise?

Do you mean Kirk or Cook?

- Kirk. Captain Kirk. - The one that sailed a boat

or the one that had a starship?

Captain Kirk.

In the middle on the starship, sat in the seat...

The one that discovered Botany Bay in Australia?

...weighing it all up.

That's near Chorley, that.

- It is, yeah. - Botany Bay.

CHRIS: At the risk of rambling too far off brief,

it was just as well

that the first pitstop on our motorsport map of Florida

was located just up the coast

at the Palm Beach International Raceway...

Oh, Chris! Wey, boys, here we are!

...where we'd been told to get stuck in

to something called donk racing.

It started on the streets of Miami back in the late '80s,

taking the head-to-head, high-stakes world

of illegal drag racing...

...and giving it a uniquely outlandish edge.

Donk racing has become so popular that it's now

a fully legalised official motorsport.

A motorsport driven by

a love of big old '70s Chevrolet barges,

modified with huge horsepower

and simply enormous wheels.

- Oh, look at this! - Look at these things, Pad.

PADDY: Are you all right, lads?

Some of the paint jobs are unbelievable.

Look at that!

- Spinners! - Yay!

PADDY: Love a spinner!

(ENGINE FIRES)

FREDDIE: How big are them wheels, Chris? What size?

26. Imagine if you hit a British pothole

- in that. - Wow!

PADDY: This is proper Americano, innit?

Noise! Power! That's what we want!

PADDY: We weren't just here to spectate, though.

We'd been invited to compete.

So to see about some cars,

we tracked down the big boss himself -

Sage Thomas...

- How are you? - What's up? What's up?

- ...otherwise known as... - How are you, boss?

- the Donkmaster. - Welcome to America, men.

FREDDIE: So what's donking?

It's donk racing. What we have here

is the National Donk Racing Association.

You act a donkey in a donk.

You see how flamboyant it is

- and shiny it is. - No, you've lost me. What?

- You act a donkey. - PADDY: You act like a donkey.

You gotta be wild!

So a middleweight donk has speakers, AC,

cruise control, all this kind of stuff.

But it has to have that?

Yes, it has to have that.

And it has to have the 26-inch wheels that you see here.

They call this one Gold Digger.

CHRIS: One question. How big is the engine in this?

- 7 litres. - 7 litres?

This car here, it makes over 900 horsepower

to the rear tyres.

FREDDIE; So 0 to 60 - how fast would that be?

This'd go to 60mph in under two seconds.

These can run about 150mph in a quarter mile.

- That's outrageous! - Absolutely.

FREDDIE: And better still, the Donkmaster

had been kind enough to line one up for each of us.

This is a bit of me.

- FREDDIE: Is that you? - That's me!

- Chris? - That one.

I'll go Gold Digger.

Have they all got the same power?

Nah. So this one makes about 1,000 horsepower,

so you picked the right one. That's what I wanna tell you.

(PADDY CHUCKLES)

- You ready for training? - Yes! Here we go.

1,000 horsepower.

- In a straight line. - (LAUGHS)

That's where he's worst - straight line.

Where he's at his worst.

PADDY: Suddenly very aware that all that horsepower

sat inside someone else's pride and joy,

before hitting the track, we took a couple of minutes

to have a quick pootle around the car park.

(ENGINES ROAR)

Whoa! That has just got a mind of its own...

...which, unfortunately, was all the time

Harris needed in his donk

to kill it.

(CLATTER)

That broke.

That's gone.

So that went well.

The first time I put the throttle down...

- Oh, dear. - ...the diff went bang.

- Oh, no. - And now this is the bit

that I don't like. This is the bit... Racing driver...

(BOTH LAUGH AND CHEER)

- Pro driver! - What happened, Chris?

Pair...

(BOTH CHEER)

Am I not allowed

- to say anything? - Go on, then.

- Um... - (FREDDIE CHEERS)

CHRIS: Suffice to say,

with the competition already under way...

...I would now have to share a donk with Fred,

who, as team captain,

had bravely volunteered to run first

and show the locals what we were made of.

Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, lads.

Thanks for popping in. Thanks for coming.

I'm feeling quite nervous for him here.

I'm up against it here. I'm up against a bloke

who does it every day of the week.

My main concern - not hitting a wall.

- Keep it straight. - Keep it straight!

The Donkmaster telling me to keep it straight.

- That's what I'm thinking. - Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking.

Let's go. Let's go.

Light on the throttle.

- Just...rrr-rrr! - Mmm.

It's one of the most ridiculous sights I've ever seen!

Come on, Fred! Take this fella.

(ENGINES ROAR)

Oh... Oh-oh. Oh, God.

Oh, you... (BLEEP)

(BOTH LAUGH)

It spun out.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(PADDY GASPS)

- Ohh! - (CHRIS LAUGHS)

Ah.

(LAUGHS) What is he doing?

- Who do you think won? - That was no good.

No good.

Hell, when he went sideways, my heart was beating.

(LAUGHTER)

I went at it too hard. I wanted to go,

- and then was just too keen. - At what point

did you realise you were doing an 80mph burnout?

I was enjoying it for a minute

and then I started seeing the wall.

Hey, there was a bit,

it went like that and we all went, "Ooh!"

Paddy, I'm here. I know.

You came second.

You're allowed to these days. You came second,

Where am I going here, now, then?

- Uh... - Am I reversing out?

Just go sideways up there for 100 yards.

PADDY: So the captain was out,

and our American racing debut was off to a rocky start.

Well done, sir.

- I owe you $20. - (LAUGHS)

Let me tell you, the guy who owns this car,

- his ass, about this big. - Was he not happy?

Listen, you were hanging the wall.

- No, I was all right with it. - OK.

But for the next race, me and Harris

had been drawn against each other,

which meant, as long as we kept our noses clean,

at least one of us would be through to the next round.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Come on, boys.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

(ENGINES REV)

Ohh!

Oh-ho-ho! Whoo!

Ohh! Chrissy Harris!

Whoo! That's fast!

Whoo! I think we might have beaten him!

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Paddy!

That is outrageous!

Man, that donking's visceral.

FREDDIE: Beating McGuinness had sent Harris

straight into the quarterfinals.

Win the next round, and we'd be in with a shot at the podium.

The only problem was, his next opponent

would be the Donkmaster himself.

The Donkmaster's car has a parachute on the back of it.

I think you have to be going quite fast

to require the services of a parachute to stop.

Go on, Chrissy!

(ENGINE REVS)

(CHEERING)

- Shall we have a bet on him? - Who, the Donkmaster?

Yeah, of course.

- Come on! - Come on!

No idea what I'm doing at all.

Who do we come for for bets?

- We're on the Donkmaster. - Who are you going on?

On the Gold Digger right here.

- 100? - Ooh! Ooh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SHOUTS) Come on, the Donkmaster!

- Good luck, Chris. - Chris, good on you, son.

PADDY: Good luck, Chris! Good luck, Chris!

(BOTH LAUGH)

That's lovely.

(HISSING)

FREDDIE: Here we go, here we go!

- Come on, Chris! - Come on!

(ENGINE REVS)

I think I cheated.

He's cheating, he's gone at red light.

(CHRIS GUFFAWS)

There he goes.

He didn't beat me by that much.

- Whoo! - Ohh!

- Have we won? - Yeah.

Just clap.

(SUBDUED CHEERING)

- Oh, no... - I'll get dinner. (LAUGHS)

(PADDY AND FREDDIE GIGGLE)

PADDY: Oh, Chris, good effort, that.

Unlucky, Chris.

Well done. That was amazing.

But I jumped the start so I was disqualified

- before I started. - But you had to try.

Looked good, though. You looked amazing.

It was like the Bristol Donker...

- Look, we won! - (WHISPERS) Shh! Not now.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

So, our team spirit needed some work...

...and retreating back to the Holiday Rambler,

it was time to conclude that when it comes to donk racing,

we probably made better spectators than competitors.

PADDY: I were catching him at the end.

CHRIS: No, you weren't. You nearly had me, Pad.

If it had gone on for another six miles,

- you'd have caught me. - No,

I reckon about another four. Joking aside,

I think, for our first attempt at something,

we all got through it in one piece. Job's a good 'un.

- That was a result. - Job's a good 'un.

And we won $100, didn't we, Pad?

$100. Yes, we did.

CHRIS: Time to set our sights on our next race...

...taking place the following morning

over on Florida's west coast.

To reach it,

we'd be crossing the enormous tropical wilderness

of the Everglades...

...which, in a highly reliable vehicle,

driven by a highly skilled driver,

would be no problem at all.

Hang on, it just keeps... It's cut out.

- Have you got any power now? - No.

None. Freewheeling.

- What have you done to it? - CHRIS: I haven't...

You've been in it two minutes, you've broken it.

Exactly. You've had it for an hour-and-a-half...

No, no. It was absolutely fine. Was it fine when I was driving?

PADDY: Don't bring me into this.

Was it fine when I was driving?

Don't bring me into this squabble.

CHRIS: Are you scared of his physicality?

PADDY: I'm having a nice time.

Do you know what you're forgetting here?

- I'm captain. - OK.

All right?

I'm beginning to understand why it didn't work for you, Andrew.

You gonna have a look at the engine, Chris?

CHRIS: For what good it'll do!

- Oh, there he goes. - Oh, here we go.

Ohh, lovely.

- Flaming heck! - Turn it off, turn it off.

I've got no hairs on me legs!

My God! What are you doing?

What are you gonna do with that now?

It's hot.

Get that open. Ooh, pristine, that, innit?

That looks lovely.

CHRIS: There's nothing wrong with that at all.

No, spotless. Put the lid back on it.

- (WHIRRING) - CHRIS: Bit of throttle.

- (WHIRRING SPEEDS UP) - Bit more.

(REVVING)

Not a lot of fuel there, Fred.

Have you not filled it up?

What do you mean, I didn't fill it up?

- You've handed it to me empty. - Fuel gauge says full.

Give it a...

- What are you doing now? - It's broken.

Put the fan cover back on.

You've been driving it and you've not filled it up.

You've handed it over empty.

Let's just go and get some petrol, for God's sake!

Since neither of the two clowns had considered

a 7.2-litre V8 might at some point need a top-up,

we limped along to the next petrol station,

and soon had the Rambler fully brimmed, back on track

and ready to head straight into the Everglades...

...also known as alligator country.

That's Gatorsville in there, innit?

How much to swim across that?

$100.

I can't see...

- What's that over there? - Where?

- There's something over there. - Where?

On the other side of the river.

- Where are you looking? - Over there! Oh, it's a heron.

FREDDIE: Truth be told,

the further we rolled across the Everglades,

the more it looked like the so-called alligator country

was missing a crucial ingredient.

CHRIS: Well, we've been in gator country

for several hours now and I've not seen a sniff.

I've seen a heron,

both alive and dead.

- PADDY: We've seen vultures. - Snake!

Is that a snake on the ground there?

Where? Where? Where?

- What's that dead there? - (THUD)

That's a branch, Chris. Well done!

FREDDIE: But the day was wearing on,

and it turned out the overnight campsite we were booked at

was a bit more...

...rural.

Watch out on that tree.

- (LEAVES RUSTLE) - Jesus!

- Slow it down round here. - Yeah.

Let's have a look.

Gotta be summat.

- There's one! - Where? Where?

There, there, there! There!

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - Hey. Hey!

PADDY: Look at that lad.

FREDDIE: It's bigger than you think, that.

- How big is that? Five foot? - No, it's bigger.

- Is it? - It's bigger than you think.

PADDY: When it comes out of watter...

CHRIS: Can you speak...? "When it comes out of watter..."?

They live in water.

Whoa, Jesus Christ! Look at this lad here!

Look at the size of this one! In here!

- Look at this! - CHRIS: Crikey, he's large.

Oh, my God, this lad here!

- Right here, Fred. - That's what I was looking at.

CHRIS: Flintoff, what are you doing?

PADDY: That's it, Fred. Just open the door, invite him in.

FREDDIE: I'm straight in if he comes.

PADDY: Tell you what, they go quick, Fred.

Do they?

They come out quick, my friend.

- Is that more than 6' 1"? - That's a big lad.

Look, there's one there!

FREDDIE: Oh, he's gone.

PADDY: Oh, where's he going now?

With that in mind, we decided to get to our campsite

before nightfall.

So we saddled back up

and hurried on deeper into the wild.

(RATTLING AND RUMBLING)

Oh, no.

(CLATTERING)

CHRIS: Fred?

- Right, Andrew... - Chris, I'm doing 20mph.

That is your first official warning.

I'm doing 20mph.

(CLUNK)

Andrew!

PADDY: And thanks to Flintoff, we were soon rumbling up to

the slightly unnervingly named

Trail Lakes Camp Ground.

So we're camping at a place with lakes

- full of alligators. - That's the one.

CHRIS: Keep that Labrador on a lead. That's lunch!

Imagine bringing your kids here.

PADDY: What you've gotta do...

Apparently, their eyes are like cats' eyes, they're reflective.

FREDDIE: There's seriously alligators in that?

- Yeah. - Proper big ones?

Big 'uns.

Why would you want to camp by a load of alligators?

- Why are we doing that? - A bit of fun, innit?

- We enjoyed the RV. - Enjoyed it.

I thoroughly enjoyed it. Hey! And come on,

what do you reckon?

I know we've had a few little technicals today.

- It has done us proud. - Done us proud, hasn't it?

- It's comfy. - Extremely comfy.

I'm slightly nervous about the sleeping situation.

You don't have to be. I've told you.

Master bedroom - that's mine.

Dining table - that's you.

Couch - that's you.

I'm not sleeping with him.

You're not sleeping with him. He's in the dining room.

- Have you seen how long he is? - It's the same room.

Why am I going to sleep on a dining table or a couch?

You're on the couch. It pulls out.

Don't think of it as a couch, Fred.

Are you naked, or are you a pyjamas man?

CHRIS: Absolutely in the buff, mate.

FREDDIE: Sorry?

CHRIS: The next morning, we were back on the dusty trail,

where, having decided that

we'd missed a trick on the previous day's drive

through Miami, McGuinness had generously opened up

his holiday wardrobe.

What do you think of the outfit, boys, eh?

Miami Vice!

Have I pulled it out the bag, or what?

- Not in Miami, Pad. - You what?

- We're not in Miami. - Where are we?

Naples.

Near enough, innit?

Naples, baby!

How many days more of this are there?

FREDDIE: At least one,

because we'd been told our next motorsport test

could be found somewhere in the nearby marshes.

And so far, tracking it down in the RV

hadn't been easy.

Here you are, Chris, what's this coming up here?

Whoa, whoa, Pad, we've missed our turning.

- Down there. - How do you know that were it?

- Were it signposted? - Just listen to me.

- Oh! - Ohh! OK.

Don't worry. I'll spin it round down here.

I don't want to get us stuck, lads.

- I don't want to get us stuck. - Nose down there...

I reckon you could drive just round...

There she goes.

Oh... Don't worry.

- (CHRIS LAUGHS) - Ohh!

We'll have a little run into it now.

CHRIS: This is perfection.

Oh, my word.

(WHEELS SPIN)

CHRIS: And we are...

No, we're not.

Oh, dear, we might be.

I cannot believe you've gone into wet sand!

CHRIS: We're in the middle...

We are in the middle of nowhere dressed like three clowns...

On private land!

...on private land, where we're gonna get shot.

(WHEELS SPIN)

After a phone call to the nearby race venue,

wherever it was,

we were told someone had been sent out to look for us...

...which left plenty of time

for a little more hopeless digging.

No. No, no, throw more power at it.

- That'll help. - Shut up a minute.

Shut up a minute.

CHRIS: Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Patrick.

And once we were well and truly stuck...

Gino D'Acampo don't have this problem with Gordon Ramsay.

(CHRIS LAUGHS)

...we decided to pass the time some more

by settling down to a friendly game of cards...

Play snap.

- Snap it is! - Is that what we're playing?

...although, if you'd like to play along at home,

we do not recommend our optional house rule.

Snap!

- Whoa! - That's a nine and a seven!

Cos you went early, you've got to let us give you

- one of them on t'face. - Ow! That's a punch!

- What about mine? - Go on!

(SLAP)

So you don't do that!

I'm taking me glasses off!

Ohh! He's out. He's out.

Ohh!

(ALL CHEER)

- (FREDDIE AND PADDY GROAN) - (CHRIS GUFFAWS)

Ohh!

Ow! Ow!

PADDY: Sadly, there was no time for another round,

because the very American cavalry had arrived.

CHRIS: Ha! One thing I will say,

I don't think it'll struggle pulling us out. Look at it!

PADDY: All it took now...

Oh, that's lovely.

...was a bit of good old-fashioned teamwork

to get us hitched up...

You comfy in there?

I'm being the pilot.

I'm gonna drive us out of this thing.

...and a bit of good old-fashioned horsepower...

- Paddy? - Yeah.

...to get us out.

- (ALL CHEER) - Yes, boss!

Done well!

- How deep? - Such a helmet.

CHRIS: With the Rambler finally back on track,

it was time to do the same with our motorsport adventure.

And for our next taste of Florida's

unique take on racing,

we soon found ourselves arriving at

what could only be described... as a swamp.

Look at this, lads.

Oh! Oh! Swamp buggy racing!

FREDDIE: Oh, that'd be fun. That'd be good.

- PADDY: Oh, hello! - CHRIS: Good Lord.

CHRIS: Swamp buggy racing, as you can probably tell...

...sits firmly in the specialist interest corner

of the racing community.

In fact, it is so specialist

that this is the only place in the world that does it.

70 years of competition has seen

traditional Everglades water transport

evolve into bespoke high-performance machines

that generate up to 1,000 horsepower...

(ENGINE REVS)

...and hit speeds of up to 80mph...

...on muddy water.

Fantastic!

FREDDIE: Are we still happy with the garments?

Hey, how cool do we look?

All we need is an explosion behind us now as we walk off.

FREDDIE: Look at these things. Look at 'em!

I've never seen anything like 'em.

And we were just in time to see how the seasoned pros

wade into battle.

Are you ready to see

- some swamp buggy racing? - (CHEERING)

(ENGINES REV)

Let's go swamping!

FREDDIE: Look at the state...! Look at this thing.

Good God! Why would you want to be strapped into it?

PADDY: Here we go!

That's a tsunami!

Whoa!

FREDDIE: I've never seen anything like this in my life.

CHRIS: Can you smell how angry

- they are? - PADDY: Oh, he's took

- a bit of the bike! - Wow.

Yay!

- PADDY: Wowsers. - Hey, guys. What do you think

- of swamp buggy racing? - That's outrageous!

PADDY: That is mega.

CHRIS: What's the origins of it?

It's over 70 years of doing this?

Yeah. It started off as hunting buggies

out of necessity to get into the swamp and hunt for food,

and naturally, one guy's like,

"I'm gonna get camp before you get there."

- And they raced to camp. - I love that.

- Next thing you know... - That's how it all starts.

Can I just check, have we done an alligator scan of the water?

Yeah.

- Are we alligator free? - Yeah.

Well, we scanned it. We didn't say it was free of alligators.

So do you race and there are sometimes alligators in there?

Oh, yeah.

- There's one that lives... - To be fair,

if you're an alligator and one of them comes towards you,

you're out of there, aren't you?

He usually stays hidden in his hole. Usually.

CHRIS: And with that,

it was time to get ready for the race...

Come on, guys. Let's get you into the buggies.

- Here we go. - They're over there.

...where, presumably,

with our reputation at donk racing preceding us,

it turned out we wouldn't be competing in

the top-level buggies the pros drive.

Instead, we'd be cutting our teeth on

something rather more...

...agricultural.

Yes, swamp buggy racers begin their careers

in clapped-out, jacked-up old Jeeps...

Look at these things. Look at 'em.

I'm not sure about this.

...complete with about 150 horsepower...

- (ENGINE REVS) - Let's race.

...and no brakes.

(CLUNK)

- (CLUNK) - Look at his...!

I forgot you don't brake. I forgot!

Has he crashed into him?

What on earth are you doing?

FREDDIE: The race itself would see seven buggies competing

in a one-lap dash, with the top three finishers

taking home silverware.

Here we go.

Seven cars in the field, three of us.

This is our best chance of a podium.

One of us has got to get on.

Here we go, then.

Swamp buggying, here we go.

Ohh!

(LAUGHS)

PADDY: Now, I had got off to a lightning start

and was leading the field.

Harris had found himself stuck in the middle...

...and the big lad...

- Go! Go! - ...well...

Ohh!

...he was busy getting just plain stuck.

Come on!

So that was the captain out...

- (ENGINE FAILS TO START) - ...again.

But we still had two horses in the race.

And right up at the front,

I was locked in a do-or-die battle for glory!

McGuinness is having a go.

McGuinness might win!

Go, Pad!

TANNOY: First - General Lee.

Second place - Mr Paddy McGuinness.

- And third place... - (CHEERS)

(GROANS)

Well, well, well...

Nearly won it! First time I've ever done it!

Fourth place - I'll take that. I'm still alive.

That is unlike anything I've done before.

- (PADDY GASPS) - MAN: You OK?

Yeah, fine. That's how you dismount a swamp buggy!

FREDDIE: Oh, what a day.

I don't think I'm gonna be a swamp racer.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It's fair to say that was an anti-climax.

I work with a gentleman

and I'm gonna use one of his favourite sayings.

I was embarrassed for you.

There's plenty to go round.

There's plenty to... You'll be next. Anyhow,

- the main thing is... - We got on a podium.

- We've got silverware. - We have got silverware.

- We've got silverware, boy! - Second. Where did you come?

Fourth. Sorry. Couldn't do any more than that.

PADDY: Right, there's a podium to stand on.

CHRIS: I'm not sure there is, Pad.

I think you might be disappointed here.

I'll make one.

CHRIS: Having discovered, then,

that McGuinness's racing future

lay in a remote Floridian swamp,

we had our very first trophy.

TANNOY: Second place - Mr Paddy McGuinness.

- Thank you. - (CHEERING)

CHRIS: Once the hero of the hour

had taken the dubious honour of joining the Queen of the Swamp

- for the traditional dip... - What is happening here?

...and after another rummage through his wardrobe

for some dry clothes...

...we got back on the road in the trusty Rambler...

That cap is actually...

It suits you.

I'm very comfortable in my pink.

And this would have fitted me in about 1993.

...which, as it turns out,

may also have been the last time

the Rambler had its oil changed.

She's making some odd noises now.

Yeah! Can you hear that knocking noise?

I want the expert ear of McGuinness on this.

Ready? He'll go... (IMITATES JUDDERING)

(LOW JUDDERING)

Be right. Just needs a little breather.

Our great American adventure is in jeopardy here.

It's not!

Because this thing is knackered.

Nowt wrong with it.

Have the faith.

CHRIS: You two just don't have any mechanical sympathy

- at all, do you? - FREDDIE: Car park over there.

- PADDY: Oh, we're in a church! - CHRIS: Oh, God.

Oh, you can't say that now, Chris!

Are you going to stay in the car

and just oversee everything and do nothing?

No, we're going to play Frisbee.

(ENGINE RATTLES)

Sounds awful.

PADDY: Oh, ye of little faith, Christopher.

So your solution to this -

we've got a dead vehicle and you're playing Frisbee.

PADDY: You've got it. What a shot, that, eh?

- Are you seeing this, Chris? - FREDDIE: To be fair,

while the Rambler cooled down enough to top the oil up,

we had to do something.

PADDY: Do you want to join in on the Frisbee?

CHRIS: Might as well.

Although, on balance...

PADDY: Lovely throw.

CHRIS: Oh, he's done it before.

...we probably should have just played cards again.

Lovely. Ooh...

(CRUNCH)

PADDY: Oh, what's happened?

Gone over, twist?

CHRIS: I landed right on it and it did something very odd.

Ooh...

In fact, Harris had managed to badly damage his ankle.

- You get him in, Pad. - Yeah.

I'll see what's in t'freezer, get some ice on it.

Yeah, get in here, brother.

Oh, listen.

We should all know what happens when middle-aged men do sport.

We shouldn't have done it.

Can you reach?

Right, put a towel on it.

- Go. - Now...

Mother...!

Ooh, ooh...

You all right?

On the plus side, the Rambler had cooled off,

and after a big slug of oil, was soon feeling much better.

PADDY: I've got to say, boys, she's purring. She's purring.

Here we go.

Do us a favour, Fred. Cover his toes up.

- They need painting, them! - What's wrong with my toes?

You got your nail clippers, Paddy?

I think that might be the more serious job!

CHRIS: It had been an eventful day.

I mean, who'd have thought

that between 1,000-horsepower drag racing

and ploughing rusty jeeps

through chest-high muddy swamp water,

that our only injury would come from Frisbee

in a church car park?

I'm not sure I'm going to be much use

for the rest of this adventure.

Well, what's new?!

But it wasn't all bad news.

I tell you what, though.

Once the children are out playing,

it isn't half peaceful here.

After all, we still had one last race ahead of us...

BOTH: Wahey!

Wahey! Oh...!

Oh, no, get it!

...and to stand any chance of taking part,

the doctors have mercifully prescribed

taking a break from Maverick and Goose.

Our last morning on the road...

...and having now reached the very back

of the McGuinness wardrobe,

all we had to do was nurse the Rambler to our final race.

Don't ask too much of her, Fred.

Don't ask too much of her.

No, I'm just backing off a bit there, Chris.

I get a feeling she is on her last legs, this.

Yeah, I know.

We never did sort out

that flapping windscreen thing, did we?

I know, listen to it.

Part of the character of the vehicle, that, Pad.

Yeah.

What's your state of play, here, Chris?

Are you...on the sidelines now? Or are you...?

Are we going to try and get the old sprained ankle into a boot?

No, but we're in a good place.

- We've got one trophy. - Yeah.

We can win another.

We'll find a way. We'll find a way.

PADDY: And we needed to,

because after a few more hours of coaxing...

She is still running, boys. I would not have had money

- on this still running now. - Yeah.

...later that afternoon,

we found ourselves pulling into our last stop...

...at somewhere called the Freedom Factory -

an old-school oval race track with a twist.

It's the brainchild of YouTube sensation Cleetus McFarland,

who set out to build the kind of place where anything goes

in anything that goes.

So, to see what madcap, made-up,

just-for-the-fun-of-it race we'd be joining in on,

the man himself stopped by for a chat.

It's an Audi S3.

- (KNOCKING) - Anybody home?

- Hello. - Whoa, come on.

- Hello. - Hey, guys!

Nice machine you got here!

Wow.

- How are you? - How are you doing?

- How are you? I'm Chris. - Nice to meet you.

I'm Fred, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you all.

Cleetus.

Yes, sir, Cleetus McFarland. That's the name.

- What a great name. - Yes, sir.

What are we racing today, Cleetus?

We're going to be racing on the oval track

in one of the most sought-after cars in America,

and that's the Ford Crown Victoria.

- Yes! - Police car?

Yes.

- Yeah, retired police cars. - Yes!

Bought right from the auction,

and we put tyres on it...

Show us one. Come on, show us one.

Come and check it out.

- All right. - Look at these!

This is what we're working with, guys.

Yeah!

So these things average from 50 to 200,000 miles.

They're little beat up, but we got them ready for you guys.

- They got a roll cage... - Love that.

...like I said, nitrous.

So is it just the three of us racing?

No, sir. We got 11 cars total racing tonight.

You're up against a bunch of

the best, finest team of rednecks...

- Love it! - ...we could come up with.

CHRIS: Just to be clear, then,

our great American motorsport adventure

would be ending that night

on a packed grid of ex-police V8 Crown Vics,

race-prepared and fitted out with tanks

of performance-boosting nitrous oxide

in a NASCAR-inspired floodlit oval race

called the Dirty 30.

And, if that wasn't quite American enough for you,

before our turn in the evening's main event,

there was still time for a light hot-dog supper

in front of the monster truck tug-of-war.

CHRIS: I'm going blue.

Go on!

(LAUGHS)

Look at the little 'un. He's not moving him.

Oh, he's going!

It's like watching two chess grandmasters, isn't it?

Tactics.

FREDDIE: With the crowd whipped up,

it was time to prepare for the race.

First, there was the highly technical grid draw,

where it looked like luck might finally be on our side...

- I got 11, dude. I'm in last! - (LAUGHTER)

Are you kidding me?!

I literally got the worst one.

...because while the big lad, Cleetus,

would be starting at the back,

I had taken eighth, Paddy fifth,

and Harris would be starting all the way up in third.

You got three? Unbelievable.

This is the one guy I've got to worry about!

# O say can you see

# By the dawn's early light... #

Chris Harris has drawn three.

Cleetus is desperate to beat Chris -

he's worried about Chris, I can see it in his eyes -

and Harris, he's done his usual thing. Building up to a race,

he gets a bit intense, a bit moody.

# And the rocket's red glare

# The bombs bursting in air... #

Well, I'm in...I'm in fifth going out.

Er...

That will probably change to about 11th by lap 29,

but we just want to get round in one piece.

# O say does that star-spangled

# Banner yet wave... #

(CHEERING)

# O'er the land of the free

# And the home of the

# Brave? #

ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, start your engines!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Still there.

Come on, Chrissy!

ANNOUNCER: Chris Harris,

battling an injury, is on crutches in his car.

You know, maybe not driving with them,

but he truly is using crutches to get around.

Here we go!

Wow.

I've got to tell you, the adrenaline is pumping!

This is a formation lap now,

side by side, and then we're just going to see

what happens when it goes green.

Come on, Chrissy Harris, get the win, lad.

Dear Lord.

My ankle absolutely bloody kills.

Here goes to American racing.

The pace car is coming off the track,

making its way into the centre of the field.

Stay calm, stay smooth, stay safe.

ANNOUNCER: They are going to be off and under way

here at the Dirty 30, the very first lap

at the Freedom Factory.

Fire me up.

And they have the green.

We're off! We are off!

ANNOUNCER: I want to point out the number 188.

That's Chris Harris. And he's actually squeezing his way

right into second place here in the first lap,

the first lap is not even over,

and the man with crutches is in second place.

FREDDIE: Going high to begin with.

Whoa!

There's one gone. Nearly tucked in front of me there.

PADDY: Oh, this is such a rush!

It's terrifying!

ANNOUNCER: So Paddy and Freddie are at the back of the pack,

but Chris Harris, now passing lap traffic in the 188,

going through Turn 3 and giving himself a clear, open shot.

Right...

I've got one right on my tail now.

I've got a bit of understeer.

ANNOUNCER: All these drivers are here to race,

and there's been some clean racing, too.

Come on, Pad!

Come on, Pad!

- ANNOUNCER: Oh! - (BLEEP)

Oh, Paddy!

Paddy just spun out.

Oh, I've knocked Paddy off.

He is going to be fuming!

Flintoff, you dick!

ANNOUNCER: He's facing the wrong way!

We've got the car of Cleetus avoiding contact.

Oh, my gosh.

The caution has come out.

That was a close call.

Under caution.

Oh, I gave Paddy a nudge there.

He is going to be after me now, that lad.

Can you believe me own team-mate rammed me off?

What a bell-end.

I'm now being rubbed by Cleetus.

That's a phrase I never thought I'd say in my life.

ANNOUNCER: Here we go.

And it's green.

Who has the jump?

Oh, here comes Chris.

Oh, my gosh, look on the back straight.

Chris Harris transitions into the first position!

Is he going to be able to hold it through Turn 3?

And he does!

Through Turn 4, Chris Harris is now in first place.

Woohoo-hoo!

Come on, Chrissy Harris!

I can see him up there! 188.

He's our saving grace.

Come on now, boy.

ANNOUNCER: I think that was a total vet move by Chris

on a rookie, Zach.

Just passed him real quick and got up in front.

Now we are halfway through the race, folks.

We are lap number 14, about to start

lap number 15. Oh!

We have a spin-off. Carson spins into the infield.

We are still under green. There is no caution.

Man, this is crazy!

Chris Harris fighting for his life

to hold down the first position.

The veteran Cleetus McFarland coming up the inside in Turn 4.

Is he going to be able to get him on the main straight?

Oh, door-to-door racing.

Cleetus clinches the first-place position.

Whoa...

Whoa! Going through Paddy.

I'm taking another one, there we go.

That's what I'm talking about! Come on.

ANNOUNCER: Oh, and it looks like we have another spin-out.

PADDY: Payback's a bitch, baby!

ANNOUNCER: Freddie, Freddie Flintoff hits the gate.

Paddy got me back there.

ANNOUNCER: Oh, and there's a car spun around in Turn 2.

That's the menace, Freddie.

I've got a flat tyre. Flat tyre.

FREDDIE: The blowout looked like it had taken me

out of the race with just nine laps to go.

We're going in.

ANNOUNCER: Unfortunately,

Freddie has had to come off the track due to car malfunction.

CHRIS: Where are my team-mates?

The red one back there...

Where's the blue one gone?

Did you see your buddy blew a tyre and spun out?

(CHUCKLES)

FREDDIE: But this is Florida racing.

Never had a conversation

with the other driver whilst I'm going round.

And it turns out, in the Dirty 30...

...the show's not over until you run out of wheels.

ANNOUNCER: Freddie has come out in a new car

with orange spray paint on it, with the orange number 11.

It's the white Crown Vic that has come out there.

Rejoining the back of the pack, though, by this point,

a podium finish for me and McGuinness

was out of the question.

The real race was all Harris.

ANNOUNCER: Number 99, he's very quick.

He's driving very aggressive as well.

What's he going to be able to do the inside?

Looks like Chris falling back to third place.

Come on, Harris has dropped to third.

ANNOUNCER: These cars are driving hot.

Oh!

Oh...

Bit of a tap there. Got away with it, I think.

ANNOUNCER: Did you see Chris Harris avoid that?

He shake left, shake right,

came on the inside, avoided the contact.

And here he is able to close the gap,

potentially, on Cleetus.

Two to go, come on. Keep it going.

Ooh, Flintoff!

Just a tickle on the wall.

Whoo!

Man, this is knackering.

ANNOUNCER: These guys are driving

on the wrong side of the car.

Can we talk about that? They are literally on

a steering wheel on the incorrect side of the vehicle.

Ooh!

- Oh, contact! - Oh!

Paddy riding along, he's smoking on the final lap.

We're going to avoid a caution.

Oh, that.... That was intense.

Paddy is completely broken down.

Paddy is out. We've got Cleetus

on the back straight. This is the final lap.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris and Cleetus

coming across for the finish line.

The race winner, Cleetus McFarland!

Oh, second!

(LAUGHS)

ANNOUNCER: Second place given to Chris Harris.

What an amazing performance from these guys.

Wow!

What an experience that was.

PADDY: The Dirty 30 was done,

and with it was our voyage

to discover some of America's most brilliantly bonkers ways

of going racing...

...and, rambling home with two trophies from three races,

Team Top Gear was a failure no more.

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