All language subtitles for Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_S10E05.Insufficient Praise.eng

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

LARRY: Hey!

- Look what I got.
- Wow.

My old glove.
Oh, baby doll.

- I had this when I was eight years old.
- Wow, man.

Oh, my God. Do you know how
many errors I made with this glove?

- Shit.
- Never should have played the infield.

- I don't know why I did.
- Yeah, man.

Yeah. Shortstop.
I can't play short.

- Nah.
- I ran home, I'd go home crying.

Making errors every,
every time I played.

It's hard playing infield
with polio, you know?

- I don't have polio, asshole.
- Every kid with those kind of gloves had polio.

Well, you know what?
I'm throwing it out.

Everything's going. My... I...

Do you believe all this shit
my parents saved?

I'm getting rid of all of it.
I can't stand it anymore.

Should drop this shit off
at a nursing home.

- Oh. Look at this thing.
- Oh, fuck.

- My mother's mink stole.
- Shh...

- Ooh, she loved this stole.
- Wow.

- Fuckin' beautiful.
- Yeah. I can't throw this out.

I'm sending it
to the dry cleaner.

Those are making
a big comeback, too.

- Comeback?
- Yeah.

See, when they wore
those things,

ladies and gentlemen carried
themselves a certain way.

All the, all the guys called
the ladies "toots." "Hey, toots."

And the girls would go,
"Poo-poo-be-doop." ♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪

- That's how they did it back in the day.
- What does that even mean?

- Why would they say, "Poo-poo-be-doop"?
- It's a cute thing.

It gets a rise out of guys
and shit.

♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪

That would get a rise
out of you? A woman going,

- "Poo-poo-be-doop"?
- Fuck, yeah.

- If I lived in the fuckin' '40s...
- Yeah.

And some girl said,
♪ Poo-poo-be-doop ♪

- I'd know I'm tappin' that ass.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

Ah. A text from Jeff.

He's got... You know Clive
Owen? He's a new client?

- Yeah, yeah.
- He's in previews now,

and I'm going to his show
tonight. It's a one-man show.

- I love that motherfucker...
- Yeah. He's like lost at sea or something.

Oh, Jeff's very excited,
'cause, you know,

he signed Clive Owen,
he's a big deal.

- Big fuckin' deal, man. Clive Owen, man.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- I love that fuckin' dude, man.
- Let me get that.

All right.

(DOOR OPENS)

Must have been nice.

Tappin' that ass
back in the days.

Fuckin' in black and white.

Hey. Larry.
Got a package for you.

Oh. Thanks.

Have a nice day.

(SIGHS)

- Hey.
- LEON: Trying to work me today, man.

I got a package
from discreet shipping.

The fuck could that be?
(LAUGHS)

(LEON LAUGHING)

- Oh, shit.
- An inflatable sex doll.

- Wow.
- Huh? Is this your handiwork?

Nah. That shit is old-school.

That's like Mary Ann from
fuckin' Gilligan's Island.

Oh. You know who sent this?
Freddy Funkhouser.

It's Marty's half-brother.

- Why would the motherfucker send you...
- I don't know.

- What is this? Is this a joke?
- Yeah.

It's an old-school
joke right here, man.

The new ones, they got one that's
sensitive around the fuckin' neck.

You could put hickeys on that
motherfucker if you wanted to, man.

- I'm glad they're working on it.
- You should, it's fucking fabulous.

Hey, do me a favor. Get rid of this,
okay? And this place...

- What's happened to this place?
- Fuckin' mess, man.

- It's a mess.
- Yeah.

- So just throw this box out, will ya?
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Will you take care of that? Huh?
- I got it, man.

- I'll get rid of this shit for you.
- Thank you.

- So, bathroom's gonna be over there.
- Yeah. Yep.

- Two urinals.
- Mm-hmm.

I got a lot of ideas
for the urinals.

- You wanna redesign a urinal?
- Yeah. Exactly.

The splashing, the puddles...
That has to be eliminated.

- It's a big issue. Yeah.
- Okay.

What I wanted, I want

- two planks about this wide.
- Okay.

- Going up, you walk up to the urinal. I'm walking...
- You want it elevated?

- Elevated planks. Your feet never touch the ground.
- Right.

- Why?
- That's where the puddles are.

What if they get urine
on the planks?

Well, that can't happen,

because of this.

That, my friend,
is the pee cube.

- The pee cube?
- Yes.

You pee into the cube,
and there's a chute that goes down.

Maybe we can get a...
create a vacuum or something,

sucking the urine
down the chute.

- And then, so, two of these?
- Yeah.

And then on the other side, I'll put
two or three floor toilets. Correct?

No, there's no toilets.

There's no defecation here.

If a customer comes in here
and does want to defecate...

- Mm.
- What do you expect them to do?

- I expect them to go some place else.
- Okay. So...

Look, there's no defecation
in the building.

You want me to make it
so they can't?

Could you do that?

I could put a sensor on there
that detects a penis.

- A little, um, penis sensor, if you will.
- Really?

We can make it voice-activated.
It'll go...

Doot-doot-doot.
"Penis detected." Woot.

The door will open up,
and then once the man is done,

doot-doot-doot. Woot.
Slide down.

- That's terrific.
- Hello, Larry.

I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Ted Danson.

Mr. Danson has just become

the newest financial backer

of Mocha Joe's cafe.

Well...

You think you're up for
this fight, General Lee?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I'm gonna look forward
to spiting your spite store.

- You sure you wanna get into it?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm highly motivated.

(WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT): Well,
I do declare. As I recall,

General Lee was a loser.

- Let's go, Mr. Danson. I think we've said enough.
- Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Another week without wind.

Before this journey,
my life was bereft of the wind of purpose.

Now I have the purpose,
but without the wind.

Now there are no days,
no nights.

- Just the relentless slap of the wave.
- (QUIETLY): Wow.

- He's great. Really great.
- CLIVE OWEN: I am completely alone.

- Even my parrot Lorita has perished.
- (WOMAN SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

I give my last will
and testament to the waves,

- who refuse to weep with me.
- (SOBBING)

My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.

- (WHISPERS): People are just sobbing.
- Goodbye, Kon Tiki.

LARRY: Really. Clive was so
good. I really loved the show.

I really did. I'm...
I'm not just saying that.

- No, I can tell. I loved it, too.
- Yeah.

It was a great show.
People were sobbing.

To a dramatic actor,
hearing sobs must be the same

as a comedian
hearing big laughs, right?

- I would think so.
- Do me a favor?

- Yeah?
- Tell him, tell him how much I liked it?

I got a better idea.

You tell him
how much you liked it.

Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
Don't... You're doing that?

- Ringing. Ringing.
- I can't believe you're doing this.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- What are you doing?

Clive (ON VOICEMAIL):
Hey, it's Clive here.

- Um, please leave a message. Thanks.
- (VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Oh, hey, Clive. This is, uh,
Larry David, a good friend of Jeff.

Uh, I saw the show last night.

I really enjoyed it.
Uh, good job.

- There you go. I appreciate that.
- SUSIE: Matilda?

- Miss Susie.
- SUSIE: Oh!

- You ironed the napkins!
- Yes.

Jesus fucking Christ,
you're amazing!

And I folded your laundry
by color and style.

And today I'm gonna clean
your makeup brushes.

You're gonna clean
my makeup brushes.

Oh, my God.

You're a fucking saint!

I love this girl.
She's amazing.

I'm telling you,
she takes initiative.

I've never had a
housekeeper that does this.

I am so completely jealous.

- Why?
- My house is a, you know, I got... my house is a mess.

Lar, she just told me
this morning

her Tuesday-Thursday
moved out of town.

She's got an opening
she's trying to fill.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I'll... I'll take it.
- SUSIE: You'll be very happy.

- But Monday-Wednesday is mine.
- Yeah, yeah. Of course.

All right. She's yours.
I'm gonna go tell her.

But keep Leon
away from her, please.

That I can't guarantee.

A sex doll? I, I...
What are you thinking about?

- I don't even understand.
- Why?

Why'd you send a doll
like that to my house?

Hey, Freddy!
Where's my section?

Uncle Moke,
just look around. You'll find it.

Take a look around.
You'll find it. You like it?

- A gag gift? You're sending me...
- No, no, no. It's a real gift.

- You've never had one?
- You think I'm gonna fuck that doll?

- Yeah, yeah. Have you ever played around with 'em?
- No!

You cuddle it,
whatever your journey is.

- No, no. I don't know.
- No, no. That's not my journey.

- I don't know what it is.
- I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna fuck a doll.

- You have one of these?
- Couple of 'em.

- You've got a couple.
- I love it. I'm comfortable. I'm healthy.

That's where we're at.
No disease.

It feels good. It's something
you're connecting to.

You got a good imagination,
same thing.

The doll is whatever
you want it to be.

Maybe you should
try necrophilia.

Now you're picking
different hang-ups.

I'm not saying that.
I'm saying the doll's...

You're open to so many things.

- I'm open to something that feels good.
- Fuck a dead woman.

HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS: If I
want to fuck a dead woman,

I'll fuck the doll. Okay? And that way,
I don't have to fuck a dead woman.

- You hear from Marty?
- He's in China. He's doing great.

He met a girl,
a real girl, no doll.

- Chinese girl?
- Yeah. He sent me a nice e-mail. He's lovin' it.

- Excuse me. No browsing.
- I'm not browsing.

- Put the magazine away or buy it, please.
- I'm not browsing.

- Leave me alone.
- You have been here for at least ten minutes.

No problem. He's
gonna buy it. I'm a buyer.

- Oh, this is your father?
- Yeah, he's just looking. I'm a buyer.

Moke.

- You buying this? Of course I'm gonna buy it.
- Moke.

All the free porn on the Internet.
Why stick with magazines?

- It's on the Internet?
- Yeah. Do you have a computer?

Yeah. My kids bought me a computer,
but I don't use it.

Well, Moke,
everything here

is a click away on the Internet.

Come on.
Don't kid me.

- I'm not kidding you, Moke.
- You sure?

- Moke, I am not kidding.
- Just don't kid me.

- Check it out.
- Maybe I will.

Thanks a lot.

Now, Carol, what exactly
do you see in this man?

- What kind of question is that?
- (CHUCKLES)

- I think it's a good question.
- I think behind those...

- dark clothes lies a...
- Very pretentious man?

What's wrong with dark
clothes? I always wear black.

He thinks people are aware
that he dresses in black.

He thinks he's like Johnny Cash.

- Why do you always wear black?
- LARRY: Yeah. Why?

I've been a comic 48 years,
and people expect me to be...

Nobody gives a fuck.

Is anyone else cold?
Are you cold?

- RICHARD: A little chilly.
- I'm cold suddenly.

I wish I'd brought
a cardigan or something.

- We can turn on the heat lamp.
- Oh, yeah. That would be great.

Um, excuse me.

Do you have any problem
if we turn on the heat lamp?

- She's very cold.
- MAN: We're hot over here.

- We're fine. It's okay.
- We're good here. It feels great.

- You know, the heat lamp's for both tables.
- Well, we have seven.

Well, but we have seven
people here and we're fine.

- You have three people there.
- MAN: You're outvoted.

Yeah, I, I, I know,
but she's cold,

and it's worse to be cold,
than hot.

No, it's actually worse
to be hot than cold.

- How do you figure?
- Because when you're cold, you can put more things on.

When you're hot,
you can only take so much off.

Okay, well, that's a good point,
if there are more things to put on.

But there aren't more things
to put on.

- Here. Have her wear that.
- Oh, that's funny, asshole.

Look, we're not snowmen.
We need some heat.

Hey. I just thought
of something.

- My mother's old mink stole.
- Oh.

I'm getting it dry-cleaned.
It's in my car. Let me go get it.

- Thank you. No, that would be so nice.
- Yeah.

I really appreciate that, Larry.

- Oh, sure.
- RICHARD: Thank you, Larry.

- CAROL: Thank you, Larry.
- Wait till you see this thing.

- It's a beauty.
- Thanks, Larry.

- I mean, what a, what a bunch of douche bags.
- Oh, there he goes. Wow.

- Is he going to get warm?
- LARRY: My God.

- There we go. Look at this.
- Aw.

- RICHARD: Look, how beautiful.
- Huh? Do you like that?

- Thank you.
- RICHARD: Beauty on beauty.

- LARRY: Real mink. Real mink.
- So sweet of you.

You know what?
Actually, uh,

this reminds me of

a stole my mother had
when I was a little girl.

- RICHARD: Wow. No kidding.
- Yeah.

She used to wrap me up
in it to keep me warm.

Yeah. And I remember
when I was 12,

my dad and mom took me
to see La Cage aux Folles.

- Oh, La Cage aux Folles.
- You remember that?

Yeah, I remember.
That was on Broadway, yeah.

It was such a great night.
And then when we came out,

we, uh...

yeah, we couldn't get a cab,
because...

well, they were all taken,
so we decided to take the subway.

But, um...

on the platform, my, uh,

my mom and dad
got in a really big fight,

and they started pushing each other,
and... (SIGHS)

and the stole, it...

it landed on the tracks.

Oh, my God.

CAROL: I saw the lights
of the train, and I...

I heard the...
the honk of the train,

and my mom, she...

she jumped onto the tracks,
just really quickly,

just to grab the stole,
because... (SOBS)

it meant so much to her.

And then...

she tried to get back up,
she tried to...

- to scratch her way back up, but...
- Oh, come on.

- Oh, my God. What a story.
- (CAROL SOBBING)

Oh, my God. The horn. I just...

(SOBBING):
The sound of the horn.

- Oh, baby. I'm, oh...
- CAROL: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry!
- Geez. I'm so sorry.

(SOBBING): I just have
so little to remember her by.

You know what, if it means
that much to you, I...

I, I want you to have it.

- I want you to have it. I want you to keep it.
- What?

- Really?
- I'm positive. Carol, please.

- Keep the stole.
- No, you take it.

No, I'm giving it to you.

- Really?
- She said she has so little to remember her by.

- Keep the stole.
- Oh, that's so... That's really nice.

- Thank you.
- Of course. If my mother were at the table,

my mother would give
it to you, you know.

- No, she wouldn't, but, you know.
- Thank you. (LAUGHS)

- (PHONE BUZZING)
- Oh, I'm buzzing.

Oh, guys, I gotta go to work.
I gotta go.

- RICHARD: Oh, no.
- I didn't even get to have lunch.

- Bye, baby.
- Take care, baby.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.

- Bye, you guys.
- Enjoy that stole.

Bye-bye. I'll speak
to you later.

Oh, my God.

The poor thing. Imagine
being a 12-year-old girl,

seeing your mother
get hit by a train,

going after a mink stole, ugh!

Wouldn't you wake up
every morning, boom...

The horns,
do you think of the horns?

I mean, how do you even
go to work after that?

What,
what... What does she... What does she do?

She's a professional crier.

What? A what?

She's a professional crier.

She's hired to cry at weddings,

and funerals,
or sometimes TV shows.

You know,
if there's a sad moment,

she's in the background sobbing.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with you?
What are you worried about?

I'm worried I just got fleeced
for a mink stole.

- You piece of shit. How dare you?
- Piece of shit?

- How dare you?
- Are you kidding? I mean, think about it.

You can hear that,
and say something like that?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Have you guys ever had
a disagreement of any kind,

where perhaps
she started crying?

- Yeah, a few times...
- What?

- What was the disagreement?
- You know, dinner.

She wanted Chinese,
I wanted Italian.

- So she wept openly and...
- Oh.

Yeah, and you went down...
And you had Chinese food.

- Chinese, we did.
- Oh, my God. Come on!

- This is unbelievable!
- Don't Perry Mason her.

She fucking conned me out of
that mink stole. This is incredible!

- I don't have to buy your defense on this.
- You saw it!

You witnessed it.
She's a con crier.

- So what do you want me to do?
- I can't believe I fell for that story.

(WHIMPERING): Oh...
the stole was on the subway!

And the horn, the horn!
(WHIMPERING)

I want that stole back, okay?

♪ ♪

- Mr. Larry! Hey!
- Oh! Hey!

I clean all the windows
and all the mantles.

- Oh.
- They were so dirty.

- And I polished all the doorknobs.
- Good.

- Thank you so much. Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

What, what is this, Mr. Larry?

Oh. It's a...

That's a doll.

- What kind doll?
- Eh, you know, I collect them.

They're like, uh,
big teddy bears. Yeah.

You collect big plastic dolls?

Yes, yes. I do. They, um...

They normally come with clothes.

- Yeah, she's naked.
- Yeah, it's naked, yeah.

They forgot to send the clothes
for some reason. I don't know why.

You know, they come with
a lot of different outfits.

- Oh, like the, this American Girl.
- Yes!

Like the American Girl!
Right, right.

Yeah, they have
a nurse's outfit,

they have a flight attendant,
a cheerleader.

They even have,
um, a, a maid!

Oh! So, you know what?

Let me clean it,
'cause it's a little bit dirty.

Oh, no. You know,
you don't, no. I...

That's, uh...
you know,

it's very delicate,
very delicate.

Anyway, I just want you to know,
you're doing a fantastic job.

Thank you.
I wanted to ask you,

uh, I need to switch my days.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I would like to work Mondays

and Wednesdays for you.

No, those are Susie's days.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna be
working with Miss Susie anymore.

- What? What do you, what do you mean?
- Her mouth.

She's like "F" this,
"F" that. She's so vulgar.

Like, F-bomb for everything.

The thing is, I have
kind of an agreement with her.

- I can't breach her.
- Well,

all I can say is that
I have another family

that I need to work with on
Tuesdays and Thursdays, so...

- You're gonna leave Susie, regardless?
- Yeah, regardless.

I am done with Miss Susie.

Okay.

- Yes? Okay.
- Ah.

- See you next Monday. I'm gonna do the refrigerator.
- Bye.

Hey, do anchovies
only go on pizza?

- Or can you eat 'em loose?
- Hey.

Come here, come here.
You blew it up?

- Yeah, I blew the shit up.
- You're supposed to get rid of it.

- Who, Sherry?
- Oh, Sherry? You gave it a name?

Yeah, I mean, I got her out of
the box. Give her a little air and shit.

- Oh, so you were, you were curious.
- Fuck, yeah.

I wanna see what the fuck
she was working with.

Yeah. And, uh...

You didn't try and get a
little friendly with her, did you?

What the fuck you trying to say?

- Did you get a little friendly with her?
- I'm insulted.

- That you would say some shit like that to me.
- Leon, did you get

a little friendly
with her, Leon?

- Nah. Not at all.
- Huh?

Why do you always
look at me like this?

I'm trying to look
into your fuckin' brain.

- What is this? Yeah. Uh-huh.
- I'm lookin' into you. Yeah.

You look down into
a motherfucker's soul.

You think you're better
than me, Leon Black?

- I know my character.
- Yeah?

And when you accuse me

of tappin' some ass like that...

I wouldn't put it past you,
let's just say that.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Get rid of that fucking thing.

Be cool, Sherry.

- Hey.
- How are you?

- Good. Good.
- Well, guess what, ID?

- What?
- I did what you wanted me to do.

- And it didn't work out.
- Oh.

And Carol broke up with me.

- Really?
- I went over there, I asked for your mink back,

she wept openly,

- and kicked me out of her life.
- Oh, she wept openly.

That's how she got the mink
in the first place.

Yeah, well, you ruined
another woman for me.

I could've had a baby with this
woman and maybe become a father.

A baby? You're 200 years
old. You're gonna have a baby?

Do me a favor.
Just stay out of my affairs.

Meanwhile, she still has the mink,
okay? And I'm gettin' it back.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

Aah, bullshit.

What the hell is that?

Ah, it's a... It's a sex doll.

- A sex doll.
- Yeah. Her name's Sherry.

Come on.
I'll introduce you to her.

SUSIE: You breached.

You made a solemn
promise, a vow,

and you fucking
breached, asshole.

She was quitting!
She wasn't working for you

on Mondays and Wednesdays,
that was it.

She doesn't wanna work here.
She can't stand you!

- Oh, that's nonsense!
- You're a vulgarian!

You use disgusting language
around her.

She's a strict Catholic girl.

- Okay...
- Hold on a second, here.

She make you biscuits?

- Yeah.
- Ridiculous.

- My God.
- Well, I'm gonna tell you

a little something
what you're gonna do.

When those biscuits are warm,

you're gonna
get out some tin foil,

You're gonna wrap
those babies up,

and you're dropping 'em off
at my office.

And when you drop off
those biscuits,

you're gonna pick up my laundry
and take it to the Fluff and Fold.

- All right?
- Yeah, I have a movie star coming over here, Larry.

And look at me, I'm putting out
premade fuckin' salads from Metzler's.

- Metzler's? You got Metzler's?
- SUSIE: Yeah.

- Yeah, I got Metzler's.
- Fanta... I love Metzler's!

Yeah. And then
I gotta clean up myself.

I don't know how to do
this fucking shit!

- You know what?
- What?

I'll help you clean up.

- Oh, please.
- I'm a fantastic dishwasher.

Did you know that? I can put my
hands in boiling, scalding water,

and I don't feel anything.

- I don't need gloves!
- Let me see those hands.

- I'm really good.
- You've never washed a dish in your life.

Well, I haven't washed 'em
in a while, but...

You've watched somebody else
wash and went,

- "Oh, I could be good at that. I could do that."
- I know I'm a great dishwasher!

- You've never washed!
- Don't tell me I haven't washed, Jeff!

- You never washed.
- What? I haven't washed?

- And your hands are soft.
- I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll stick my hands in the sink right
now. Put it on as hot as you want.

- You don't have special hands!
- I do have special hands!

- You do not have special hands!
- I do. They're very special.

I'll stick 'em under any
hot water you can find, okay?

That's insane!

Listen to me.

Clive's coming over.

- Yeah.
- The voicemail you left.

Clive seems to think
it was insufficient praise.

- (SCOFFS) What? Insufficient praise?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
You weren't enthusiastic.

- That's ridiculous.
- No. You gotta... When you talk to these people,

you gotta almost give
your own performance

- about how much you loved it.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

All right. You know what?
That's him.

Okay?

And by the way,
you're doing the dishes when we're done.

- Great. Great.
- Yeah, good. Good for you.

- Susie, I brought you a movie star.
- SUSIE: Ah, bravo!

- CLIVE: Hey!
- Bravo! What a performance.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my God.

- Thanks for inviting me over.
- Movie star.

- JEFF: Larry David.
- Hey.

SUSIE: Fantastic.

So, just dig in. We went
to this new sandwich place.

- What's the name of it, Lar?
- Yeah, Metzler's.

- Metzler's. So, they're supposed to be fantastic.
- Yeah, it looks great.

In the UK they have, uh,
cucumber sandwiches, right?

- Just, just cucumbers?
- JEFF: No, there's cream cheese in there.

- Oh, there is?
- Yeah, we have a lot of different sandwiches.

LARRY: Yeah.

Hey, Clive. Uh, I...

You know, I want
to apologize if, um...

my, my voicemail,
my message

- offended you in any way.
- A little weird, no?

- You know, I'm not good at voicemails.
- Really?

Yes. When I would leave
a message on, on,

on a woman's phone,
I would always get in trouble

and the relationship would
be over. I'm just no good at it.

Yeah, but the weird
thing is, you know,

if you go and see a play
and you don't like it,

you kind of don't leave
a message, do you?

- No, but I did like it. I... That's, that's...
- Really?

- Yes.
- (FLATLY): "Hi. This is Larry David."

I just want to say I really
enjoyed the show. Good job."

Yeah. Like I said, I'm not,
I'm not good with... If it was in person,

- I would have been much more effusive.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- So...

I mean, it's hard to do now.
Bec... You know, it's...

It's like doing an impression for somebody.
It's hard to just do it on command.

- You do impressions?
- Yeah. I do a lot. I can...

I can do Raymond Massey
from, uh, doing Lincoln.

Raymond Massey as Lincoln.
You never see that!

"A house divided against itself
cannot stand."

Well, I was so moved, Clive.

The pathos of this character.

- The triumph and the disgrace of his...
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm-mmm!

Oh, my God. Oh.
This is unbelievable!

This Metzler's?
Best, the best.

You see that?
That is genuine praise.

I do a fucking play
for 90 minutes,

digging deep and doing
everything I can,

and you give that
for a sandwich.

So you do do praise,
just not for me.

You know, that, that kind of thing,
that's not for people.

That's for sandwiches,
a well-struck iron,

- a good golf shot.
- Do you know what it takes?

Stand up there for 90 minutes,
on your own, a one-man play?

- Mm.
- A serious subject like that. Do you know what it costs?

Must be quite grueling.

One wonders why
somebody would do it.

Is he for real?

No, I'm just saying.
It seems...

a little crazy.

That's what you thought
when you came to see the play?

You thought it's crazy
that someone would do this.

Well, kinda.

- JEFF: No, Clive.
- Clive, Clive!

- LARRY: Clive, Clive!
- Clive! Come on!

- SUSIE: Clive!
- LARRY: Clive!

♪ ♪

Hi. How you doin',
Lionel?

How you doin', there,
Mr. Danson?

Just need your signature
real quick.

- How's it going today?
- Good.

You're friends with
Larry David, right?

Yeah, I suppose.

He's fucking a doll.

What?

I delivered a blow-up
fuck doll to his house.

How could you possibly
know that?

The package said,
"Do not puncture. Discreet delivery."

Mailmen know.

Have a great day.

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I'm still a little pissed off, but I come as a friend.
- Of course.

- Okay, thank you.
- I just have some information I think you ought to know.

Your ex-husband,
he's fucking...

a sex doll,
just so you know.

He's basically sticking
his penis in a balloon.

Good to see you.

(KNOCKING)

- Larry! How are you?
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- I do well. I do well.
- (CAROL CHUCKLES)

- Do you want to come in, or...
- No, I don't think that'll be necessary.

I've been thinking
about the stole.

- Thank you. It reminds me of my mom. It's beautiful.
- Yeah.

You know, you got so emotional.
I felt so terrible.

I had to give it to you.

- I appreciate it so much.
- Yeah.

Of course, I have since
learned that...

you're actually a professional
crier. You do this for a living.

- Yeah? So?
- And so what I can't quite figure out is...

did I give that stole to...
real Carol?

Or did I give it to,
you know,

the professional crier?

'Cause that would be bad. 'Cause
then I would feel like I was duped.

You know. Who knows what
else you've cried your way into.

The couch, the coffee table,
the painting.

- Maybe the house.
- Okay. Those...

(VOICE BREAKING): Those tears were real,
Larry. And I...

I obviously cry
in real life, too.

- I'm a real person.
- Yeah. Sure.

You think that I'm...

I made up a story
about my own mother...

- You see, there.
- To get your stole?

There, there, there it is.

- (CAROL SOBBING)
- See?

- That's very difficult.
- I lost my mom!

No, you're very good at this.

- If in fact you're making...
- (SOBBING): I'm sorry.

- Can't quite...
- Larry, please.

- Larry, get out!
- Oh, oh!

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (GASPS)

♪ ♪

- Larry! Larry!
- (HONKS)

- Hey, Freddy!
- I was just about to call you.

- Really?
- You created a real problem

with Uncle Moke
with the Internet porn.

Ah, you know, it's,
it's better than,

than paying money
for those magazines.

No, it's all day. It's a
problem. It's all he does.

And he is paying.
He's doing the chat rooms now.

I'm so sorry. I don't know. I was just
trying to save the guy some money.

It's addiction.
You gotta do something.

- Do something? What can I do?
- Whatever it is,

you kind of started it off.
I think you should step in.

- All right, I'll think about it.
- No, don't think about. Do whatever it is.

I gotta think about it. I don't
know what to do. I gotta, you know,

- I gotta think about it.
- Okay, that's good.

Hey, did you hit
the doll up yet?

- N-No.
- Take a shot at the doll.

PLUMBER: And...

voilà, the pee cube.

- I like it.
- You sure do.

- Yeah.
- Take her for a spin.

- Sure.
- Get on in there, huh?

- There you go. Look at that.
- Mm-hmm.

- How does that feel?
- Feels pretty good.

Shit. Got the prototype done,
huh?

- Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
- Nah, fuck that, man.

That shit ain't deep enough.

- PLUMBER: What do you mean?
- What are you talking about?

Any motherfucker that
come up to that shit,

with a little-ass penis,
of course it works for them.

But you got a big-ass johnson,
you gotta stand a little further back, see,

so your johnson don't overshoot

and hit the back of that
motherfucker. I'm not bragging and shit,

but I had a lady give me a wedgie
with my own goddamn johnson.

Okay. Are we done here?
Uh, can you get...

- Can you get to work on this thing right away?
- Yeah, of course. Yeah.

- Yeah. I'll get right on it.
- Hey. Let's talk timeline.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- Prototype is pretty fuckin' good, though, man.

- Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
- LEON: You do goddamn good work.

Hmm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What brings you
to Latte Larry's?

Uh, Clive Owen.
He's a mess.

Ever since you left him
that message

and the other day
at the house...

- What, at lunch?
- He's lost all confidence.

His shows are not as good.
It's affecting his performances.

- Really?
- Yeah. People used to weep. Nobody's weeping.

And we open in two days,

and I'm scared that the
critics are gonna kill him.

Oh, boy.

I gotta do something,
and I don't know what.

Oh.

- Lewis's girlfriend.
- Yeah?

- Carol.
- Yeah?

She's a professional crier.

- Yeah?
- Hire her for opening night.

Let her sit in the audience,
she'll sob away.

- Really?
- Once she starts sobbing,

everyone else will start
sobbing. Sobs are contagious.

- You can never have enough criers. No.
- Abs... I know. You can't.

What the hell is that?

That, my stout friend,

is a urinal revolution.

CLIVE: She's a good ship,
the Kon Tiki.

I named her Kon Tiki

in memory of
the Peruvian sun god.

And here I am,

following in Tiki's footsteps.

My only companion was a parrot

that had snuck aboard.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

- He's not doing good.
- CLIVE: Used to be a tough school.

- Those first few weeks...
- (YAWNING)

in the Humboldt Current.

- Which one is she?
- CLIVE: Before this journey,

- my life was...
- LARRY: Oh, there she is.

She's got my mother's stole on.

She's wearing the stole.

CLIVE: I have the purpose,
but not the wind.

(YAWNS)

Now there is no day,
no night, just the relentless...

Ah. There.
She's gonna start.

I am completely alone.

Even my parrot Lorita
has perished.

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING CONTINUES)

Perished.

(SOBBING)

Lorita.

Perished!

Look out.
It's really catching on now.

I give my last will
and testament to the waves

- who refuse to weep with me.
- (WOMEN SOBBING)

My final epitaph written
in the froth and the foam.

Pity the man, who thought

he could go back in time.

Goodbye, Kon Tiki.

(WAILS): No!

(WOMEN SOBBING)

CLIVE: From a distance,
could it be?

It's land!

Oh! Praise be, Tiki!

Praise be!

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

Yeah! Yeah!

Bravo! Wow!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Yeah.

Thank you. Worked like
a charm. She did great.

LARRY: Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, Carol. Carol.

Oh, Larry, hi!

- Hi.
- How are you?

Good. So, um...

I just wanted to
congratulate you on that...

magnificent performance.

Oh. It was a very
emotional play.

- (GIGGLES)
- Yeah, it was really special.

I really got to see you
do your thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the more I watched you,

the more I'm convinced

that what you did at the table
at lunch that day

was total bullshit.

- Wow.
- Your mother didn't fall into the subway tracks.

That's a cock-and-bull story
if I ever heard one.

- Give me the stole back.
- You're just being rude.

- Carol, give me the stole.
- Get... Larry!

- Hey.
- (CAROL YELLING)

- Hey, hey, hey. What's the problem?
- Larry, this is...

- (WHIMPERING)
- What's going on?

Okay. She's
a professional crier,

and she conned her way
into getting that stole off me.

- It's my mother's stole.
- Excuse me. Officer, he is mocking me.

He gave me this stole.
My mother passed away.

And this stole
reminds me of her.

- And this is all I've got.
- Okay. You see?

- This is the same story.
- This is the only thing I've got

- to remember her by.
- She told me the same story about,

- about being in a subway.
- (WAILING)

But she took that stole from me.

- That's my mother's stole.
- (LOUD WAILING)

She... I inherited that stole.

- She gave it to me.
- You can't take it back!

- (LARRY CHATTERING)
- (CAROL WAILING)

- OFFICER: Stop. Stop it. Hey. Hey, guy.
- (LARRY AND CAROL SHRIEKING)

- OFFICER: Hey, what are you doing?
- I want my stole!

- I want... Aah!
- OFFICER: Hey, hey.

Hey, what are you doing?

- Crying?
- No, that's crying. That's not crying.

- No, she's not!
- I'm crying!

I'm crying, Larry!

- I paid her to cry like this!
- All right, let's walk it off.

- Walk it off? She's a, she's a bullshit artist!
- Let's take a walk. I know.

- OFFICER: I know. Come on. Let's walk it off.
- Thank you, Officer.

CLIVE: Excuse me.

- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.

I, uh... I couldn't help
noticing you out there.

You seemed very moved.
It was very inspiring.

Oh, I mean, you inspired me.
Your performance was incredible.

Honestly, you were...
It was amazing.

- Wh-what's your name?
- I'm Carol.

I'm Clive.

I know.

LARRY: Leon!

Leon, where's my jacket?

Leon!

Leon!

Leon! What the hell's going on?

You said you were
going to deflate it.

You know what? I didn't
get around to it. I'll...

- Slipped my mind.
- Slipped your mind.

- It was there, then the shit was gone.
- You know what I think?

I think you gave it a name.
You're keeping it around the house.

You can't get rid of this thing.
You're fuckin' her, aren't you?

I'm not gonna sit here and let
you do this shit to me right now.

- Oh, you're not?
- No, I'm not.

Okay.
Well, you know what?

Say goodbye to her,
'cause I'm deflating her right now.

- Fuck you, Larry.
- Fuck you, Leon.

Fuck you, Larry.

Be good, Sherry.

(AIR HISSING)

(AIR SPUTTERING)

(RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING)

- MATILDA: Mr. Larry!
- (LARRY GRUNTING)

- (LOUD GRUNTING)
- I found your jack...

(AIR HISSING)

Asco!

- No. No. Basta!
- Oh!

- Eres un pervertido.
- No, no, no!

I quit! You're worse
than Miss Susie!

No, I'm just deflating her!

No! Wait! No!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

(AIR HISSING)

Larry.

Oh, God.

- (AIR SQUEAKING)
- CHERYL: God.

(SQUEAKING)

- SUSIE: Ha-ha.
- So, here's to the play.

- JEFF: Yes!
- Kon Tiki.

- Cheers. Cheers.
- SUSIE: Fantastic.

- Kon Tiki.
- Cheers.

JEFF: God, that was just...

Hey, do me a favor.

Just the one line
from the review.

- CLIVE: Oh, no.
- CAROL: Read it! Yes!

- JEFF: Come on, man.
- You should be proud!

(LAUGHING) - SUSIE: Want to
hear it in your beautiful, dulcet tones.

Okay, here we go.
It says,

"Clive Owen's portrayal
of Thor Heyerdahl

"is as nuanced, varied,
and moving

as the ocean he traversed."

- Oh.
- Fuck, yes!

- Fuck yes!
- CAROL: So good!

- (ALL CHATTERING)
- Thank you, honestly.

Thank you for
making it all happen.

- I've had the best time, honestly.
- I've had the best time.

Best reviews I've ever had.

And also, you know,

it's introduced me to the most

- beautiful, amazing woman.
- Oh.

Thank you, Clive.

- (LAUGHS)
- Have some more.

Mm. Oh, sweetie, actually, no.
I have to go to work.

- SUSIE: Oh, you're leaving so soon?
- Oh, my God.

I've been so consumed,

I haven't even asked you
what you do.

I'm a professional crier.

Bye, baby.
Bye, guys.

- Thank you for everything.
- SUSIE: Bye, Carol.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Carol.

- Hey, baby.
- A professional crier. What the fuck is that?

I get paid to go to, you know,
TV shows, commercials.

- Funerals sometimes.
- You get paid to go to funerals and cry?

- Yeah, it's my job. It's what I do. Sometimes...
- The play.

When you were crying in the play,
was that, was that a job or was that real?

No. No, it was real.
I mean, it was 10% more,

- because that's what I'm paid, but I would have cried...
- Did somebody pay you?

- It was...
- Did Jeff pay you?

- No. Honestly, I'm not gonna have...
- So all of this is fake.

None of this has been real.

No, no, it isn't fake,
actually, Clive.

- Isn't it?
- Yes, okay, it is fake!

Is that what you
want to hear? It's fake!

- You... Don't go!
- (GRUNTS)

Get... Leave my...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(HONKING)

Carol, no! Carol!

- (HONKING)
- (SCREAMS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Enjoy.

Stay off the Internet.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪

Leon! Leon! Where are you?!

- I'm back here!
- Look what I got!

LEON: Ooh!

LARRY DAVID:
We're gonna have some fun!

(LAUGHS)

("EL DESEO" BY
JANET SHERBOURNE PLAYS)

I'm having a surprise party
for Jeff for his birthday.

- People hate surprise parties.
- No, no, no, no.

- That's fun? That's fun?
- Yes.

- (MOANS)
- Nobody's doing...

- (MOANS)
- (MOANS)

MAN: Why did you pass me?

Did you hear
footsteps behind you?

MAN: I heard footsteps and then,
whoosh! Right past me.

You should've moved over
to the right to let me pass.

You should've given me one
of these.

- (WHISPERS) He's here!
- ALL: Surprise!

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)