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1
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,466
All done.
2
00:00:07,568 --> 00:00:08,801
Perfect!
3
00:00:08,862 --> 00:00:11,277
Now I'm ready for
"Crazy Hair Day" at school.
4
00:00:11,355 --> 00:00:12,567
What about you, Franklin?
5
00:00:12,637 --> 00:00:15,638
No one messes with my hair, man.
6
00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:17,840
I was just doing
the 10-year update on our will,
7
00:00:17,909 --> 00:00:20,242
and I discovered my parents
are still the kids' guardians
8
00:00:20,345 --> 00:00:21,377
if anything happens to us.
9
00:00:21,446 --> 00:00:22,578
Why did we ever choose them?
10
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,980
Well, that's when we thought
they were good people,
11
00:00:25,049 --> 00:00:26,949
before we discovered that
my dad had a secret family
12
00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:28,050
for the last 40 years.
13
00:00:28,119 --> 00:00:31,053
Oh, man, that was hilarious!
14
00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:32,388
Best Turkey Day ever.
15
00:00:33,291 --> 00:00:35,991
Obviously deeply painful for you.
16
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:37,860
Taylor doesn't need a guardian anymore.
17
00:00:37,929 --> 00:00:40,763
Oliver's almost 18, but we still
need one for Anna-Kat.
18
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,598
So I was thinking that we each
make a list...
19
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,266
Unh-unh. Leave me out of this.
20
00:00:44,369 --> 00:00:45,835
That is your area.
21
00:00:45,903 --> 00:00:47,069
What are you talking about?
22
00:00:47,138 --> 00:00:49,972
Wills and legal guardians are your area.
23
00:00:50,074 --> 00:00:52,541
Also, paperwork, telling
the kids when a pet dies,
24
00:00:52,643 --> 00:00:53,909
and doom and gloom.
25
00:00:53,978 --> 00:00:55,244
The world's an unpredictable place.
26
00:00:55,313 --> 00:00:56,479
That's why people have insurance.
27
00:00:56,547 --> 00:00:59,315
And 14 cases of baked beans
in the garage.
28
00:00:59,384 --> 00:01:01,317
You laugh, but when society collapses,
29
00:01:01,419 --> 00:01:02,918
baked beans will be the currency.
30
00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:05,154
That's why this is your area.
31
00:01:05,256 --> 00:01:06,422
You wake up in the middle of the night
32
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,457
worried about dying in a plane crash.
33
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:09,859
If I wake up in the middle of the night,
34
00:01:09,927 --> 00:01:12,027
I turn on the TV and watch
"Indian Matchmaking."
35
00:01:12,130 --> 00:01:14,029
Feels like I have
all the terrible areas.
36
00:01:14,098 --> 00:01:15,297
What are yours?
37
00:01:17,301 --> 00:01:18,634
Hey, all you real mothers.
38
00:01:18,736 --> 00:01:21,670
Today I am showing my husband
all the sucky things
39
00:01:21,773 --> 00:01:24,440
that fall under my area as a mother.
40
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:27,576
First up, "Refrigerator Smell Police."
41
00:01:31,149 --> 00:01:33,349
Ohh!
42
00:01:33,451 --> 00:01:34,984
Still got another week in it.
43
00:01:35,086 --> 00:01:37,453
Plus, extra probiotics.
44
00:01:43,409 --> 00:01:45,428
I don't know about you mommies,
45
00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:48,497
but I have got a whole system
for batteries.
46
00:01:48,599 --> 00:01:50,399
When the TV remote loses its oomph,
47
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:51,734
I put fresh batteries in
48
00:01:51,836 --> 00:01:53,803
and shuffle the weak batteries
down the line.
49
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,038
It goes kids' toys,
then junk-drawer flashlight,
50
00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:57,173
then smoke detectors.
51
00:01:57,275 --> 00:01:58,707
So our smoke detectors aren't working?
52
00:01:58,810 --> 00:01:59,942
Relax, it's a rental.
53
00:02:00,044 --> 00:02:01,110
But your family isn't a rental.
54
00:02:01,212 --> 00:02:03,045
Oh, if only, right?
55
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:07,850
-- Subs by kinglouisxx --
for www.addic7ed.com
56
00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:17,793
Ha. You missed.
57
00:02:17,895 --> 00:02:19,695
This time I won't.
58
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,117
What the hell? Now I have to change!
59
00:02:25,202 --> 00:02:27,136
Good idea. Start with your face.
60
00:02:27,238 --> 00:02:28,571
Stop it, both of you!
61
00:02:28,673 --> 00:02:30,139
This is my least favorite area...
62
00:02:30,241 --> 00:02:31,273
refereeing these two.
63
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:32,341
He started it!
64
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:33,742
What have you ever started,
65
00:02:33,844 --> 00:02:36,312
besides the slow death of
my brain cells when you talk?
66
00:02:36,414 --> 00:02:38,314
Hey, instead of always
turning on each other,
67
00:02:38,416 --> 00:02:40,449
you are going to support each other.
68
00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:42,651
As a matter of fact,
you are going to learn
69
00:02:42,753 --> 00:02:44,286
what it means to support family
70
00:02:44,388 --> 00:02:47,156
by hanging your father's
campaign signs around town.
71
00:02:47,258 --> 00:02:48,524
Aw, honey, thank you...
72
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,793
Because he's running for City
Council for some dumbass reason.
73
00:02:50,895 --> 00:02:53,162
A little premature with
my gratitude. That's on me.
74
00:02:53,264 --> 00:02:55,631
How much trouble will we get in
if, like, say,
75
00:02:55,733 --> 00:02:57,766
you found these in a trash can
two blocks away?
76
00:02:57,868 --> 00:02:59,602
Hypothetically speaking.
77
00:02:59,704 --> 00:03:01,637
Oh, great job, genius.
Now we can't do that.
78
00:03:01,739 --> 00:03:03,606
They don't know that.
I said "hypothetically."
79
00:03:03,708 --> 00:03:05,207
I can't believe you, Taylor.
80
00:03:05,309 --> 00:03:06,408
Geez, Mom, fine.
81
00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:08,110
We won't put them in the trash cans.
82
00:03:08,212 --> 00:03:09,645
No, not that.
83
00:03:09,747 --> 00:03:12,514
You actually used the word
"hypothetically" correctly.
84
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,689
Hey, big guy!
85
00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:22,691
Looks like you're really
chewing on something.
86
00:03:22,793 --> 00:03:26,328
Franklin, shouldn't
you be with Anna-Kat?
87
00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:28,897
I needed a little break
from the old ball and chain.
88
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,165
You know how it is.
89
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:33,335
Plus, she's playing cards
with her grandma.
90
00:03:33,437 --> 00:03:36,639
As Peter Frampton once said
to me on a transatlantic flight,
91
00:03:36,741 --> 00:03:38,707
let's see 'em.
92
00:03:41,178 --> 00:03:43,712
Oh, so you have nothing. I have a flush.
93
00:03:43,814 --> 00:03:44,880
I win.
94
00:03:44,982 --> 00:03:47,816
Well, you told me to go all-in!
95
00:03:47,918 --> 00:03:49,685
That was my whole allowance.
96
00:03:49,787 --> 00:03:51,754
You still have Christmas money,
don't you?
97
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,322
Let's play again.
98
00:03:53,424 --> 00:03:54,857
So, what's going on?
99
00:03:54,959 --> 00:03:56,659
I'm just trying to figure out
if something were to happen
100
00:03:56,761 --> 00:03:59,261
to Katie and me,
who would take care of...
101
00:03:59,363 --> 00:04:02,364
Luthor.
102
00:04:02,466 --> 00:04:05,868
Life, death, animal companions.
103
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,336
You're dealing with all the big ones.
104
00:04:07,438 --> 00:04:10,205
Katie and I have always said
we want... Luthor
105
00:04:10,307 --> 00:04:11,540
to go to someone in the family,
106
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,108
but there aren't a lot of
great candidates.
107
00:04:13,210 --> 00:04:14,276
What about Kathryn?
108
00:04:15,946 --> 00:04:17,913
Would you like a little treat?
109
00:04:18,015 --> 00:04:19,748
Mm-mm-mmm.
110
00:04:19,850 --> 00:04:21,450
Yeah, just to take the edge off.
111
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:23,519
There you go. Good boy.
112
00:04:23,621 --> 00:04:25,187
I guess it is just until college.
113
00:04:25,256 --> 00:04:27,356
Luthor's going to college?
114
00:04:27,425 --> 00:04:28,824
Oh, he's not gonna be
a student or anything.
115
00:04:28,926 --> 00:04:30,325
He's just auditing some classes.
116
00:04:30,428 --> 00:04:31,894
Oh, that makes more sense.
117
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,397
God, I love Second Breakfast.
118
00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:36,532
I know.
119
00:04:36,634 --> 00:04:37,700
You know what's a good follow-up
to waffles?
120
00:04:37,802 --> 00:04:38,967
Waffles!
121
00:04:39,036 --> 00:04:40,469
It's not just about eating.
122
00:04:40,538 --> 00:04:42,971
It's about having people to talk
to who aren't named Greg.
123
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,039
Or Matt.
124
00:04:44,108 --> 00:04:46,008
Or Siri.
125
00:04:46,110 --> 00:04:47,576
I am all alone.
126
00:04:47,645 --> 00:04:49,011
But not for long, thanks to you
127
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,980
swiping my potential egg donors'
names from the fertility clinic.
128
00:04:52,049 --> 00:04:53,649
Now I have to find out how to
meet them in person
129
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:54,850
so I can make my decision.
130
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:56,685
You need to stalk their social media.
131
00:04:56,787 --> 00:04:58,487
That's where you'll find your answers.
132
00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:00,089
That feels like an invasion
of their privacy.
133
00:05:00,173 --> 00:05:02,202
Something else feels like
an invasion of privacy.
134
00:05:02,296 --> 00:05:04,693
What is it? Oh, yeah, you.
135
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:05,994
Oh, you're gonna end up loving me.
136
00:05:06,063 --> 00:05:07,496
That's how it always is.
137
00:05:07,565 --> 00:05:09,765
Now, exactly who has
ended up loving you?
138
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:12,234
No one yet. Yet!
139
00:05:12,303 --> 00:05:13,836
All right, send me their names.
I'll get right on it.
140
00:05:13,904 --> 00:05:15,270
- How long is that gonna take?
- Mm-hmm.
141
00:05:15,372 --> 00:05:16,419
All right, here's what I got.
142
00:05:16,489 --> 00:05:18,574
According to LinkedIn, uh, this one,
143
00:05:18,676 --> 00:05:20,809
whose belly I would use
as a charcuterie board...
144
00:05:20,878 --> 00:05:22,131
...is looking for a job.
145
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,561
But this one, who, oh,
146
00:05:23,585 --> 00:05:25,122
just accepted my friend request...
147
00:05:25,147 --> 00:05:27,516
p-poor thing.
148
00:05:27,585 --> 00:05:29,518
Ah, she works at a coffee shop
over in Fairfield.
149
00:05:29,587 --> 00:05:32,154
- Boom.
- Wow. You are amazing.
150
00:05:32,256 --> 00:05:33,288
Also a bit terrifying.
151
00:05:33,357 --> 00:05:35,290
Aw, you sound like all my exes.
152
00:05:35,392 --> 00:05:36,391
Let's go check her out now.
153
00:05:36,494 --> 00:05:38,093
Wait, you mean we're going
from Second Breakfast
154
00:05:38,195 --> 00:05:40,028
to third breakfast?
This is the best day ever.
155
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,497
Yeah, hi, hi.
156
00:05:41,599 --> 00:05:43,298
I have been here almost five minutes,
157
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:45,334
and you have not brought me a menu.
158
00:05:47,037 --> 00:05:48,871
Yeah. I didn't order the attitude.
159
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:55,744
She's pretty, friendly,
160
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:57,346
and she seemed to give the exact change.
161
00:05:57,448 --> 00:05:59,314
But I don't really feel like
I have a sense of her.
162
00:05:59,416 --> 00:06:01,016
Is she smart? Is she athletic?
163
00:06:01,085 --> 00:06:03,752
What's her teeth-to-gum ratio?
I don't want no big-gum baby.
164
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,458
I'll go check her out. You hang back.
165
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:11,794
If somehow the fertility place
finds out what you're doing,
166
00:06:11,896 --> 00:06:13,395
they will definitely
drop you as a client.
167
00:06:13,497 --> 00:06:14,496
Oh, you're the best.
168
00:06:14,598 --> 00:06:15,864
I'm naming this baby after you.
169
00:06:15,966 --> 00:06:17,866
Oh, my God. Really?
170
00:06:17,935 --> 00:06:19,034
Actually, let me think about it.
171
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:20,068
Maybe just something with a "K."
172
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,270
Mm.
173
00:06:21,372 --> 00:06:22,838
- Don't hold me to that.
- Mm.
174
00:06:25,142 --> 00:06:27,509
Hi. I need three lattes...
175
00:06:27,611 --> 00:06:30,546
one hot, one iced, and one just warm.
176
00:06:30,614 --> 00:06:33,315
Shot of vanilla in the hot one,
almond milk in the iced one,
177
00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:35,184
and then the warm one is half-caf.
178
00:06:35,252 --> 00:06:37,886
One hot vanilla latte,
one iced almond milk latte,
179
00:06:37,955 --> 00:06:39,354
and a half-caf latte, warm.
180
00:06:39,448 --> 00:06:42,116
- Is that right?
- Uh, maybe.
181
00:06:42,226 --> 00:06:43,759
Quite the memory!
182
00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,594
Very smart.
183
00:06:45,663 --> 00:06:47,663
- Okay if I pay with coins?
- Mm-hmm.
184
00:06:51,769 --> 00:06:54,603
Good hand-eye. Athletic.
185
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:55,804
And you're very pretty.
186
00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:57,873
Aw. You can thank
my grandmother for that.
187
00:06:57,975 --> 00:06:59,541
Oh, you got her genes.
188
00:06:59,643 --> 00:07:01,376
No, I got her money.
189
00:07:01,445 --> 00:07:03,779
When she died, I used it
to spruce myself up.
190
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,582
I did my lips, nose, boobs, butt, tummy.
191
00:07:06,650 --> 00:07:08,650
Even got my webbed feet taken care of.
192
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,853
It must be nice
to finally wear flip-flops.
193
00:07:10,955 --> 00:07:12,120
Totally.
194
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:13,655
And I know Grandma will
look down on me and smile
195
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:15,991
when I achieve my dream
of getting on "The Bachelor."
196
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,161
Sorry, you just failed a test
197
00:07:19,263 --> 00:07:20,696
you didn't even know you were taking.
198
00:07:20,764 --> 00:07:22,464
But I'll watch for you
on "The Bachelor,"
199
00:07:22,566 --> 00:07:24,566
then "Bachelor in Paradise,"
then "Big Brother,"
200
00:07:24,668 --> 00:07:26,835
then "Road Rules,"
then "Celebrity Rehab."
201
00:07:26,937 --> 00:07:28,971
Thanks.
202
00:07:31,108 --> 00:07:32,774
Welcome. Can I help you?
203
00:07:32,877 --> 00:07:34,977
Our dad is running for City Council.
204
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:36,612
Would it be all right
if we put his campaign sign
205
00:07:36,698 --> 00:07:38,947
- up in your store?
- Sure, anywhere you want.
206
00:07:42,119 --> 00:07:43,118
Hand me some tape.
207
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:44,386
Throw a "please" on there, and I might.
208
00:07:44,488 --> 00:07:46,388
Please hand me some tape.
209
00:07:46,457 --> 00:07:48,090
- No.
- Give me that.
210
00:07:48,192 --> 00:07:49,758
No, don't tell me what to do!
211
00:07:52,463 --> 00:07:54,863
You two are terrible.
212
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,965
I'm not interested in putting
that sign up in my store
213
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,234
or voting for a man who raised
such awful children.
214
00:08:00,466 --> 00:08:01,536
Can't argue with that.
215
00:08:06,810 --> 00:08:07,743
There you are!
216
00:08:07,845 --> 00:08:09,177
Damn it, Greg.
217
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,780
I have told you about sneaking up on me.
218
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,949
This is why we decided
I shouldn't have a gun.
219
00:08:14,051 --> 00:08:15,851
Sorry. I'm just kind of stuck
on the guardian search.
220
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:17,552
That is your area.
221
00:08:17,655 --> 00:08:19,554
I've gathered that,
but this is a big deal.
222
00:08:19,657 --> 00:08:21,223
- Maybe together...
- I don't want to talk about it.
223
00:08:21,325 --> 00:08:23,058
Yeah, but I've gone through
everyone, and the way I see it...
224
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,928
You don't seem to be getting it,
so let me make this clear.
225
00:08:31,435 --> 00:08:32,567
Come on. I could use your input.
226
00:08:32,670 --> 00:08:33,602
Not my area!
227
00:08:33,704 --> 00:08:34,670
You're acting like a child.
228
00:08:34,772 --> 00:08:36,605
La! La! La! La-la! La! La! La!
229
00:08:41,378 --> 00:08:42,344
Greg, I can't be interrupted.
230
00:08:42,446 --> 00:08:44,079
I really want to finish this chapter.
231
00:08:44,181 --> 00:08:46,949
That's your book safe where
you keep your Krackel bars.
232
00:08:47,051 --> 00:08:47,950
Mm.
233
00:08:48,052 --> 00:08:49,151
We need to talk about this.
234
00:08:49,253 --> 00:08:50,752
- I can't.
- Why?
235
00:08:50,854 --> 00:08:53,088
Because thinking about
who Anna-Kat will go to
236
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:56,558
means thinking about my baby
being raised by someone else,
237
00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:59,394
about her growing up
without a mom and dad.
238
00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:00,562
It's too painful.
239
00:09:00,664 --> 00:09:02,164
It upsets me, too,
240
00:09:02,266 --> 00:09:03,932
but that doesn't mean we don't
have to deal with it.
241
00:09:04,034 --> 00:09:05,734
You ignored that $60 parking ticket.
242
00:09:05,759 --> 00:09:07,459
- Now it's like $800.
- Oh, damn.
243
00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:09,304
I really should pay that.
244
00:09:09,406 --> 00:09:10,672
Eh, I'll do it later.
245
00:09:10,774 --> 00:09:13,141
The way I see it,
our only option is Kathryn.
246
00:09:15,512 --> 00:09:17,312
Luthor's pretty smart.
247
00:09:19,016 --> 00:09:20,015
Sit!
248
00:09:23,554 --> 00:09:24,953
Still better than my mom.
249
00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:27,155
I'm not thrilled about her either.
250
00:09:27,258 --> 00:09:30,058
Before I even think of signing off,
251
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:31,426
we're going to test her.
252
00:09:31,528 --> 00:09:33,395
That's a great idea.
253
00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:34,630
Who knows? She might surprise us.
254
00:09:34,732 --> 00:09:36,131
Oh, she's good at that.
255
00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:37,366
In high school, I walked in on her
256
00:09:37,468 --> 00:09:39,301
making out with my boyfriend.
257
00:09:39,403 --> 00:09:42,204
I was very surprised.
258
00:09:51,352 --> 00:09:54,920
Okay, to care for a child,
you need the three N's.
259
00:09:54,997 --> 00:09:58,466
You have to be able to nourish,
nurture, and nicely protect.
260
00:09:58,521 --> 00:10:01,389
I fudged the last one
to make them all N's.
261
00:10:01,457 --> 00:10:03,324
I'm getting kind of hungry.
262
00:10:03,426 --> 00:10:05,960
First up... nourish.
263
00:10:06,029 --> 00:10:08,195
Well, why doesn't Grandma
make you some lunch?
264
00:10:08,298 --> 00:10:09,363
Wouldn't that be fun?
265
00:10:09,465 --> 00:10:11,399
Oh, sure.
266
00:10:11,467 --> 00:10:14,835
I'll make you my favorite
low-calorie lunch.
267
00:10:15,938 --> 00:10:20,441
Uh... Diet Coke, celery,
268
00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:23,344
and a thimble-full of cottage cheese.
269
00:10:23,413 --> 00:10:24,912
Mmm!
270
00:10:24,981 --> 00:10:26,380
That doesn't sound very good.
271
00:10:26,482 --> 00:10:27,748
Wrong.
272
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:29,784
Celery is the perfect food.
273
00:10:29,886 --> 00:10:32,253
You burn more calories
chewing it than you get from it.
274
00:10:33,489 --> 00:10:34,722
Then for dessert
275
00:10:34,824 --> 00:10:37,491
a nice, deep breath.
276
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,460
Or a cigarette when you get older.
277
00:10:39,562 --> 00:10:41,128
It's your body.
278
00:10:45,568 --> 00:10:47,468
Sorry I'm late.
279
00:10:47,570 --> 00:10:49,670
If you watch one "Ice Road Truckers,"
you watch four.
280
00:10:49,741 --> 00:10:50,671
How's it going?
281
00:10:50,740 --> 00:10:52,306
My potential donor just got here
282
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:54,275
for her fake interview
for Tami's tape company.
283
00:10:54,344 --> 00:10:56,783
If this donor has
any skeletons in her closet,
284
00:10:56,853 --> 00:10:58,039
Tami will find them.
285
00:10:58,064 --> 00:10:59,680
She figured out a guy
in our old neighborhood
286
00:10:59,749 --> 00:11:01,182
- was a serial killer.
- Oh.
287
00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:03,184
Turned out he was just
a lonely man who worked nights,
288
00:11:03,252 --> 00:11:05,453
but the cops came and everything.
289
00:11:06,255 --> 00:11:09,123
So, what would you say would be
your greatest weakness?
290
00:11:09,192 --> 00:11:11,592
Would you be on to me if I said
I love tape too much?
291
00:11:12,795 --> 00:11:15,296
I would, but I'd still fall for it.
292
00:11:15,398 --> 00:11:16,430
Yeah.
293
00:11:16,499 --> 00:11:19,300
Wow. Your résumé is really impressive.
294
00:11:19,402 --> 00:11:20,501
Just a few final questions.
295
00:11:20,570 --> 00:11:22,069
Does your family have
any hereditary baldness,
296
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:23,204
mental illness, or drug addiction?
297
00:11:23,306 --> 00:11:25,906
Yes, yes, and yes.
298
00:11:25,975 --> 00:11:28,109
Uh, the interview's for a receptionist.
299
00:11:28,211 --> 00:11:29,677
Are these appropriate questions?
300
00:11:29,779 --> 00:11:30,678
You're right.
301
00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:32,446
I'm so sorry if I was unprofessional.
302
00:11:32,515 --> 00:11:34,382
You want to go to the bathroom
and smoke a doobie?
303
00:11:34,450 --> 00:11:36,217
I'm sorry, but I don't want this job.
304
00:11:36,285 --> 00:11:37,818
Thank you for your time.
305
00:11:42,458 --> 00:11:44,558
Well, she cut that kind of short.
306
00:11:44,627 --> 00:11:46,093
Did you really think she was
gonna go to the bathroom
307
00:11:46,195 --> 00:11:47,995
- with you and do drugs?
- You have drugs?
308
00:11:48,064 --> 00:11:49,530
Well, maybe she thought
I was an undercover cop.
309
00:11:49,632 --> 00:11:50,831
I get that a lot.
310
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:53,401
Oh, she left her keys.
I'm gonna try to catch her.
311
00:11:54,704 --> 00:11:56,470
I, uh... I was joking, officer.
312
00:11:56,572 --> 00:11:58,272
No drugs for me. I'm a good boy.
313
00:11:58,374 --> 00:12:00,608
Unless you're not a cop
and you do have drugs.
314
00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:04,411
Then I am a very, very... bad boy.
315
00:12:07,283 --> 00:12:10,217
So your mom tells me someone at
school's been bad-mouthing you.
316
00:12:10,319 --> 00:12:11,852
Yeah.
317
00:12:11,954 --> 00:12:14,154
Chardonnay Linstrum.
318
00:12:14,257 --> 00:12:15,389
Here's what you do.
319
00:12:15,491 --> 00:12:17,791
You've gotta hit Chardonnay
where it hurts.
320
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:19,493
Steal her boyfriend
right in front of her nose,
321
00:12:19,595 --> 00:12:21,595
then turn to her and say,
"I don't want him.
322
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:22,863
I just don't want you to have him."
323
00:12:22,965 --> 00:12:24,498
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
324
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,834
Oh, well, then just
cut the brakes on her bicycle.
325
00:12:26,936 --> 00:12:31,472
Anna-Kat, maybe you should get
started on your homework.
326
00:12:31,574 --> 00:12:33,407
- See ya, Grandma.
- All right, sweetie.
327
00:12:33,509 --> 00:12:35,609
Don't do any of that.
328
00:12:36,646 --> 00:12:38,045
The good thing about the name Chardonnay
329
00:12:38,114 --> 00:12:40,281
is she won't have to change it
when she becomes a stripper.
330
00:12:42,418 --> 00:12:45,719
So, she can't nourish or nurture.
331
00:12:45,821 --> 00:12:46,921
Let's not give up yet.
332
00:12:46,989 --> 00:12:48,722
We still have the last "N"...
nicely protect.
333
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:51,258
Nicely protect? That's so lame.
334
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,326
You came up with it.
335
00:12:52,428 --> 00:12:53,928
Oh, yeah. I like it.
336
00:12:58,968 --> 00:13:01,135
Mom's gonna kill us if we don't
hang these signs up.
337
00:13:01,237 --> 00:13:03,470
Let's get this done so I don't
have to spend all day with you.
338
00:13:03,573 --> 00:13:04,738
- Dummy says what?
- Hmm?
339
00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:06,674
- What?
- It's just too easy.
340
00:13:13,149 --> 00:13:14,448
Lindsey?
341
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:16,350
Oliver, hi.
342
00:13:16,419 --> 00:13:18,552
I did not recognize you at first.
343
00:13:18,621 --> 00:13:20,254
You changed your hair.
344
00:13:20,356 --> 00:13:21,989
- I like it.
- Thanks.
345
00:13:22,091 --> 00:13:23,591
W-When did you get back into town?
346
00:13:23,659 --> 00:13:25,225
I thought you said you wouldn't
be home from college
347
00:13:25,294 --> 00:13:26,393
until summer.
348
00:13:26,495 --> 00:13:29,163
Actually, um, I've been here
for a few days.
349
00:13:29,265 --> 00:13:30,297
Oh.
350
00:13:30,399 --> 00:13:32,066
You should've texted me,
351
00:13:32,134 --> 00:13:34,368
hit me up with the beep-boop-beep-boop.
352
00:13:34,437 --> 00:13:36,670
Sorry. I was going to, but, um...
353
00:13:36,739 --> 00:13:38,305
No problem. What are you doing tomorrow?
354
00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,908
I cannot promise as much fun
as when we went to prom,
355
00:13:41,010 --> 00:13:42,610
but I'll do my best.
356
00:13:42,712 --> 00:13:44,345
Tomorrow is really booked.
357
00:13:44,447 --> 00:13:45,779
How about the day after?
358
00:13:45,848 --> 00:13:48,582
I'm sorry, Oliver, I'm only back
in town for a little while
359
00:13:48,684 --> 00:13:50,751
and I've got a lot of people to see.
360
00:13:50,853 --> 00:13:52,086
Okay, yeah.
361
00:13:52,188 --> 00:13:54,688
That's okay. I'm super busy, too.
362
00:13:54,757 --> 00:13:57,091
I've got school stuff,
before-school stuff,
363
00:13:57,193 --> 00:13:58,425
after-school stuff.
364
00:13:58,494 --> 00:14:01,729
It's quite a bit of school... and stuff.
365
00:14:01,831 --> 00:14:04,465
Well, it was good seeing you.
366
00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:07,034
Hi, Taylor.
367
00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:12,673
Dude, that was rough.
368
00:14:12,775 --> 00:14:14,308
Thanks. Didn't notice.
369
00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:16,610
I'm sorry.
370
00:14:16,712 --> 00:14:18,178
I know you really liked her.
371
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,614
We've been talking since
she went away to college.
372
00:14:20,716 --> 00:14:22,082
Not anything serious,
373
00:14:22,184 --> 00:14:24,518
but I thought she at least
kind of liked me.
374
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:25,886
I feel so stupid.
375
00:14:25,955 --> 00:14:27,388
You're not stupid.
376
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,723
She is if she doesn't realize
how awesome you are.
377
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,592
It's okay. You don't have to say that.
378
00:14:31,661 --> 00:14:34,161
I mean it. She's totally missing out.
379
00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:36,697
And if it helps, I know how you feel.
380
00:14:36,766 --> 00:14:39,433
I finally got the nerve
to go for coffee with Andre,
381
00:14:39,535 --> 00:14:41,902
the TA I've been
flirting with all semester,
382
00:14:42,004 --> 00:14:43,170
and I run into Trip.
383
00:14:43,272 --> 00:14:44,938
And he's there with some girl from work.
384
00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:46,006
Yeah, what's going on with that?
385
00:14:46,108 --> 00:14:47,508
No idea.
386
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,511
We haven't talked about it.
It's super weird.
387
00:14:50,613 --> 00:14:54,581
Look, I know you would never
purposely hurt Trip.
388
00:14:54,650 --> 00:14:57,484
So whatever you decide,
I've got your back.
389
00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:04,091
Huh. We actually had a nice interaction.
390
00:15:04,193 --> 00:15:06,093
Yeah, look at that.
391
00:15:06,162 --> 00:15:07,461
Lindsey's hair looked stupid.
392
00:15:07,563 --> 00:15:09,997
And I'm sure the girl Trip was
with had stupid hair, too.
393
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:12,566
I would give you
a supportive hug right now,
394
00:15:12,668 --> 00:15:13,701
but that'd be so lame.
395
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:17,137
Yeah, really not cool.
396
00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:19,940
We could, and then make fun
of each other afterward?
397
00:15:20,042 --> 00:15:21,575
I'm in.
398
00:15:26,315 --> 00:15:27,915
- Loser.
- Dork.
399
00:15:28,017 --> 00:15:29,383
That's better.
400
00:15:31,954 --> 00:15:32,953
You know what?
401
00:15:33,022 --> 00:15:34,088
Feels like we're putting
too much pressure
402
00:15:34,190 --> 00:15:35,456
on these Kathryn tests.
403
00:15:35,558 --> 00:15:38,158
Yeah. All she really has to do
is keep Anna-Kat safe.
404
00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:39,593
That's right.
They're at the park right now,
405
00:15:39,695 --> 00:15:42,096
and I don't hear any sirens,
so I think we're good.
406
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,632
Hey.
407
00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,201
- Where's Anna-Kat?
- Well, at the park.
408
00:15:47,303 --> 00:15:50,037
You told me to take her there.
409
00:15:50,139 --> 00:15:52,706
And you just left her?
You're supposed to stay!
410
00:15:52,808 --> 00:15:55,008
Well, you never said anything
about staying.
411
00:15:55,111 --> 00:15:57,111
Well, I would never
have agreed to take her
412
00:15:57,213 --> 00:15:59,236
- if I'd known that.
- Oh, my God.
413
00:15:59,345 --> 00:16:01,078
So you think it's okay
to just leave a little girl
414
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:02,273
alone at the park?!
415
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,242
The way that your voice is
getting all high-pitched
416
00:16:04,353 --> 00:16:06,553
tells me you don't think it is.
417
00:16:10,650 --> 00:16:13,952
Hmm. Wonder where he's off to
in such a hurry.
418
00:16:24,581 --> 00:16:27,049
I can't believe she left
Anna-Kat at the park.
419
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,503
I got her. She's safe.
420
00:16:28,557 --> 00:16:30,955
There was a minor freak-out
on the car ride home, but...
421
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:32,256
she calmed me down.
422
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,159
Ugh. I told you that my mom
was a bad idea.
423
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,395
We just have to make sure that
neither one of us ever dies.
424
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,098
So start chewing your cereal
a little quieter.
425
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,899
That's the biggest threat
to your life that I see.
426
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,367
Amazing.
427
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,771
Oh, you have to do my hair
like this every day.
428
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,973
Okay.
429
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,074
I love you, Grandma.
430
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,742
Oh, I love you, too, kiddo.
431
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,177
Huh.
432
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,012
We forgot the most important "N."
433
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,748
- Love.
- Well, look at that.
434
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,785
Maybe my mom is the perfect choice.
435
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,254
Ah, I always wanted a little girl.
436
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,990
Well, maybe not perfect, but fine.
437
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,598
Can we talk to you for a second, Mom?
438
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,467
Okay, so I-I took $20
out of your wallet.
439
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:17,568
I was gonna put it back.
440
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:18,769
Not that.
441
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,872
Greg and I have been thinking about it,
442
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:23,474
and we have decided that if
anything were to happen to us,
443
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,511
you would be the best person
to be Anna-Kat's guardian.
444
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,450
Are you out of your minds?
445
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,286
There is no [bleep] way
I'm taking Anna-Kat.
446
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:36,921
God, I thought I was a bad parent.
447
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:39,423
You two are even worse,
trying to pawn her off on me.
448
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:40,992
But she loves you, Mom.
449
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,571
That is the most important thing.
450
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,212
Look, and I love her, too.
451
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,414
But I am done raising kids.
452
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:48,983
Now, I will go and visit her
in the, uh...
453
00:17:49,052 --> 00:17:50,585
oh, what is that place
where they put kids
454
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:52,119
who don't have any parents?
455
00:17:52,222 --> 00:17:53,321
The orphanage?
456
00:17:53,423 --> 00:17:55,056
Yes, the orphanage.
457
00:17:56,593 --> 00:17:59,393
Okay, guess we're back to making
sure that we don't die.
458
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:00,561
Relax.
459
00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:02,997
You guys can totally die
whenever you want.
460
00:18:03,099 --> 00:18:04,198
I'm 19.
461
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,400
If anything happens,
I'll take care of Anna-Kat.
462
00:18:06,469 --> 00:18:08,436
And I'll be there to help.
463
00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:11,105
Really? You guys would do that?
464
00:18:11,207 --> 00:18:12,106
Of course.
465
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,674
Siblings take care of each other.
466
00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:15,409
And if you two croak soon,
I think we have a chance
467
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,844
of really turning the kid around.
468
00:18:16,946 --> 00:18:18,980
Of course. The kids!
469
00:18:19,082 --> 00:18:20,348
Yes.
470
00:18:20,416 --> 00:18:23,684
Nobody can take better care of
this family than this family.
471
00:18:23,786 --> 00:18:25,386
It was right in front of us
the whole time!
472
00:18:25,488 --> 00:18:26,954
I'm so proud of you guys.
473
00:18:27,056 --> 00:18:28,489
Now that I know that Anna-Kat
is going to be
474
00:18:28,591 --> 00:18:29,991
in the best of hands, I can go back...
475
00:18:30,093 --> 00:18:32,827
...to looking forward to death.
476
00:18:32,929 --> 00:18:35,963
Okay, I took Luthor for a walk.
477
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,432
Where is he?
478
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,434
What, I have to stay with the dog, too?
479
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,869
Oh.
480
00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:50,378
How about Taylor and Oliver
getting along?
481
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,779
I just wanted them out of the house
482
00:18:51,848 --> 00:18:55,316
because they were annoying me,
but it actually worked.
483
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:56,717
I'm the best mother of all time.
484
00:18:56,819 --> 00:18:58,152
I don't get any credit at all?
485
00:18:58,254 --> 00:19:00,087
Nope, credit's my area.
486
00:19:00,189 --> 00:19:02,123
Your area is pretending like
you're not checking out
487
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:04,992
the moms in the Pixar movies.
488
00:19:05,094 --> 00:19:06,827
Yeah, I notice.
489
00:19:13,002 --> 00:19:14,335
I want some new areas.
490
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,038
I don't know.
Your areas are pretty sexy...
491
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:19,407
keeping us all safe, making sure
there's food on the table,
492
00:19:19,509 --> 00:19:20,841
being the man of the house.
493
00:19:20,943 --> 00:19:22,310
Can we say "person of the house"?
494
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,312
- Less sexy.
- Right. Continue.
495
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,647
You being so good at your areas
496
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,684
makes me want to
give you access to my areas.
497
00:19:29,786 --> 00:19:30,851
Yeah?
498
00:19:30,953 --> 00:19:32,186
Yeah.
499
00:19:32,288 --> 00:19:35,923
Luthor just dropped
a dead rat on my pillow!
500
00:19:36,025 --> 00:19:37,692
That's your area.
501
00:19:37,794 --> 00:19:39,527
Go get it, person of the house.
502
00:19:47,179 --> 00:19:49,421
I have chosen Jillian as my egg donor.
503
00:19:49,508 --> 00:19:51,809
Based on what?
Not getting high with Tami?
504
00:19:51,919 --> 00:19:54,613
Well, she is Korean, which will
make my parents happy,
505
00:19:54,658 --> 00:19:56,746
and on top of that, I really like her.
506
00:19:56,857 --> 00:19:58,223
When I brought her keys,
we had a quick chat.
507
00:19:58,325 --> 00:20:00,158
I thought we agreed that
it was dangerous for you
508
00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:02,306
- to interact with her.
- Oh, it was only for a second.
509
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,588
Turns out she went to Yale
on a tennis scholarship,
510
00:20:04,613 --> 00:20:06,465
so my kid will be smart and athletic.
511
00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:07,666
Plus, she's a great singer.
512
00:20:07,768 --> 00:20:10,135
You got all that
from handing her her keys?
513
00:20:10,237 --> 00:20:11,970
No! We met up at a piano bar later.
514
00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:14,665
After our third martini,
we sang every song from "Annie."
515
00:20:14,775 --> 00:20:16,875
The crowd went crazy. Not in a good way.
516
00:20:16,977 --> 00:20:18,176
So you went on a date?
517
00:20:18,279 --> 00:20:20,112
No! I just wanted one-on-one time
518
00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,280
so I could find out more about her.
519
00:20:21,382 --> 00:20:22,781
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
520
00:20:22,883 --> 00:20:24,016
Did you tell her you were gay?
521
00:20:24,118 --> 00:20:26,161
- No, it didn't come up.
- Did you pay for her drinks?
522
00:20:26,186 --> 00:20:27,519
- Of course I did.
- You were on a date.
523
00:20:27,621 --> 00:20:30,188
No, I wasn't. We were just having fun.
524
00:20:30,291 --> 00:20:32,090
I walked her to her car,
kissed her on the cheek,
525
00:20:32,192 --> 00:20:33,925
and we're going out to dinner
on Friday night.
526
00:20:34,028 --> 00:20:35,227
Oh, my God.
527
00:20:35,329 --> 00:20:37,629
I'm dating my future child's
egg donor! Oh!
528
00:20:37,731 --> 00:20:39,564
Nice, bro. Killin' it.
529
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,768
Oh, that's her.
530
00:20:42,815 --> 00:20:43,836
- Hey, babe.
- Ah.
531
00:20:43,893 --> 00:20:45,859
Oh, my God. I can't stop.
38958
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