Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,148 --> 00:00:08,135
I got my campaign posters back
from the printer.
2
00:00:08,229 --> 00:00:09,793
Tell me what you think.
3
00:00:09,862 --> 00:00:12,796
"Greg Otto: Integrity."
4
00:00:12,857 --> 00:00:14,832
- Babe, I love it!
- That's the same voice you use
5
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,043
when the kids show you
their art projects.
6
00:00:16,122 --> 00:00:18,297
- Fine. I don't like the slogan.
- What's wrong with "integrity"?
7
00:00:18,366 --> 00:00:19,551
As someone without integrity,
8
00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:20,683
it feels like an attack.
9
00:00:20,731 --> 00:00:21,867
Plus, it's boring.
10
00:00:21,936 --> 00:00:23,302
The slogan needs to be catchy,
11
00:00:23,363 --> 00:00:25,229
like "Make Westport Greg Again!"
12
00:00:25,273 --> 00:00:27,339
How can I make Westport more Greg?
13
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,467
And the word "again"
implies that the town
14
00:00:29,543 --> 00:00:31,043
was once Greg and now it's not.
15
00:00:31,112 --> 00:00:33,178
You took the fun out of this real fast.
16
00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:34,613
I'm sticking with integrity.
17
00:00:34,682 --> 00:00:36,615
It's the perfect slogan
because my opponents have none.
18
00:00:36,684 --> 00:00:38,317
Principal Ablin's only in it for power,
19
00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,119
and Steve Hobert's a dirty politician
20
00:00:40,187 --> 00:00:42,121
who only pushes policies
in exchange for favors.
21
00:00:42,223 --> 00:00:43,188
That's the gig, Greg.
22
00:00:43,257 --> 00:00:44,423
If you want to be a politician,
23
00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:45,758
you got to get your hands dirty.
24
00:00:45,860 --> 00:00:46,859
Not gonna happen.
25
00:00:46,927 --> 00:00:49,828
My hands will stay clean
because I have...
26
00:00:49,930 --> 00:00:51,030
You're a good person.
27
00:00:51,132 --> 00:00:52,865
We get it.
28
00:00:52,933 --> 00:00:55,067
Taylor, heads up...
I'm not doing laundry today.
29
00:00:55,136 --> 00:00:56,835
So, if you need underwear,
30
00:00:56,904 --> 00:00:59,305
cut two holes in one
of your dad's NPR totes.
31
00:00:59,373 --> 00:01:00,606
Mom, you're so embarrassing.
32
00:01:00,675 --> 00:01:02,041
I'm on with the Joshes.
33
00:01:02,143 --> 00:01:04,243
- Hey, Mrs. Otto.
- Hi, Mrs. Otto.
34
00:01:04,345 --> 00:01:06,011
Katie. My lady.
35
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:07,212
Hey, Josh.
36
00:01:07,315 --> 00:01:08,414
Hi, Josh.
37
00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:10,549
Hello. Josh.
38
00:01:10,618 --> 00:01:12,551
What are you doing still
hanging out with these idiots?
39
00:01:12,620 --> 00:01:13,652
Mom, they can hear you.
40
00:01:13,721 --> 00:01:14,887
Sweetie, it's okay.
41
00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:16,088
They know they're idiots.
42
00:01:16,157 --> 00:01:18,657
Mrs. Otto, you should come with us
to Blow A Gasket.
43
00:01:18,759 --> 00:01:19,925
It's this cool rage-room
44
00:01:19,994 --> 00:01:21,727
where you can pay to smash
old electronics.
45
00:01:21,796 --> 00:01:23,595
And we think it'd be healthy for you,
46
00:01:23,664 --> 00:01:25,331
seeing how you're so filled with rage.
47
00:01:25,366 --> 00:01:27,032
It's not rage. It's hate.
48
00:01:27,134 --> 00:01:28,334
Rage is fleeting.
49
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,736
Hate is forever.
50
00:01:30,838 --> 00:01:31,804
- But, Katie...
- Mom,
51
00:01:31,906 --> 00:01:33,672
stop intimidating my friends!
52
00:01:33,741 --> 00:01:35,174
The Joshes are a bad influence.
53
00:01:35,276 --> 00:01:36,508
You're in college now.
54
00:01:36,577 --> 00:01:38,477
You need to find higher-quality people.
55
00:01:38,579 --> 00:01:40,279
You're right. I am in college,
56
00:01:40,381 --> 00:01:42,915
which means you can't tell me
who to hang out with anymore.
57
00:01:43,017 --> 00:01:44,283
She just walked away from me.
58
00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:46,185
Can you believe her?
59
00:01:46,253 --> 00:01:48,020
Are you really using my totes
for underwear?
60
00:01:48,089 --> 00:01:51,024
Watch me undress tonight
and you'll have your answer.
61
00:01:51,126 --> 00:01:54,027
-- Subs by kinglouisxx --
for www.addic7ed.com
62
00:01:57,633 --> 00:01:59,366
Somebody named
Jessica Van Hought was arrested
63
00:01:59,468 --> 00:02:00,934
for shoplifting a toothbrush.
64
00:02:01,036 --> 00:02:02,135
How embarrassing.
65
00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:03,470
Ooh, public shaming.
66
00:02:03,572 --> 00:02:04,538
I love it.
67
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,573
This is why I moved to Westport.
68
00:02:06,675 --> 00:02:07,974
And because of my job.
69
00:02:08,076 --> 00:02:09,409
Actually, it was really only my job,
70
00:02:09,511 --> 00:02:10,710
but this is fun.
71
00:02:10,813 --> 00:02:12,145
Jessica is loaded.
72
00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:13,513
Why would she shoplift?
73
00:02:13,615 --> 00:02:15,081
Mm. For the thrill.
74
00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:16,416
And that's why I steal
the silverware here
75
00:02:16,518 --> 00:02:18,552
and throw it away when I get home.
76
00:02:21,423 --> 00:02:24,057
Well, I have some actual big news.
77
00:02:24,159 --> 00:02:26,460
I'm close to picking an egg donor!
78
00:02:26,562 --> 00:02:27,727
I'm down to two candidates.
79
00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:29,663
This is so exciting.
80
00:02:29,765 --> 00:02:31,998
Both my donors are smart, healthy,
81
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,401
and play musical instruments,
so it's a tie.
82
00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:36,403
I want my kid
playing Britney Spears' "Toxic"
83
00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:38,638
on a baby grand
by the time they're three.
84
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:41,408
Well, in my experience,
musical talent is not genetic.
85
00:02:41,477 --> 00:02:43,477
I mean, my kids can't sing,
but I sure...
86
00:02:43,579 --> 00:02:45,779
♪ Ca-a-a-a-an ♪
87
00:02:45,881 --> 00:02:47,447
Well, next time, give me a heads up
88
00:02:47,549 --> 00:02:48,782
and I'm gonna come in with the harmony.
89
00:02:50,052 --> 00:02:51,218
I'm going to the fertility clinic
90
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:52,752
to see if they have
any more information,
91
00:02:52,855 --> 00:02:55,188
and I want you guys to come with
to help me decide.
92
00:02:55,290 --> 00:02:56,356
I'm in.
93
00:02:56,458 --> 00:02:57,824
We got to pick you out
a good-looking baby
94
00:02:57,926 --> 00:02:59,426
so that I don't have
to give vague compliments
95
00:02:59,528 --> 00:03:01,027
like, "Oh, what a darling outfit,"
96
00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:03,163
or "Wow, just look at her."
97
00:03:03,265 --> 00:03:04,798
I'm in, too.
98
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:07,100
If I could have had control
over Grace's genetics,
99
00:03:07,202 --> 00:03:08,201
I would make sure she didn't get
100
00:03:08,303 --> 00:03:10,537
the "dip all my lipsticks
in the toilet" gene.
101
00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,372
I knew I could count on you guys.
102
00:03:12,474 --> 00:03:14,107
This is the best squad ever.
103
00:03:14,209 --> 00:03:16,243
Aww. I wish Taylor had a group
like this.
104
00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:17,511
All of her friends went off to college,
105
00:03:17,613 --> 00:03:19,312
and now she is left with The Joshes.
106
00:03:19,414 --> 00:03:20,814
- Uh, The Joshes?
- Mm-hmm.
107
00:03:20,916 --> 00:03:21,882
They're great.
108
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:23,750
Josh has a lacrosse net in his yard.
109
00:03:23,852 --> 00:03:25,352
He said I can use it at any time.
110
00:03:25,454 --> 00:03:26,820
I mean, I haven't yet, but again,
111
00:03:26,922 --> 00:03:29,389
totally can at any time.
112
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:32,192
I need a fork.
113
00:03:42,137 --> 00:03:44,671
So, is everyone happy
with the fan placement?
114
00:03:44,773 --> 00:03:46,239
I went with an indirect wind
115
00:03:46,341 --> 00:03:48,241
as opposed to the fans on you guys.
116
00:03:48,343 --> 00:03:50,810
It's an old trick
Richard Branson taught me.
117
00:03:52,214 --> 00:03:54,881
Do either of you need any help?
118
00:03:54,983 --> 00:03:57,884
No, thanks. Uh, I've got this
business plan under control.
119
00:03:57,986 --> 00:04:00,020
And nobody touches my code.
120
00:04:00,122 --> 00:04:02,556
Okay, then.
121
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:04,257
- What can I do?
- Nothing.
122
00:04:04,326 --> 00:04:06,993
Because you're useless.
123
00:04:07,095 --> 00:04:09,262
- Defend my honor.
- That is not true.
124
00:04:09,364 --> 00:04:11,364
Cooper brings tons of value
to our start-up.
125
00:04:11,466 --> 00:04:12,799
- Like what?
- Uh...
126
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:15,802
he can wear the crap out of
a pair of Gucci driving loafers.
127
00:04:15,904 --> 00:04:16,937
I really can.
128
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,405
Let me lay out some facts
for you, all right?
129
00:04:18,507 --> 00:04:20,540
Fact number one... when you had money,
130
00:04:20,642 --> 00:04:22,208
you could have been an investor.
131
00:04:22,311 --> 00:04:25,278
But now that you have no money,
you serve no purpose.
132
00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:27,380
And fact number two...
you've got toothpick legs.
133
00:04:27,449 --> 00:04:29,215
It seems highly unlikely
that a pair of driving loafers
134
00:04:29,318 --> 00:04:31,151
would look good on you.
135
00:04:31,186 --> 00:04:34,087
Okay. Feels like a natural
stopping point for today.
136
00:04:38,627 --> 00:04:40,527
Don't let Trevor get under your skin.
137
00:04:40,596 --> 00:04:42,228
He's right about me, man.
138
00:04:42,297 --> 00:04:43,997
Without my money, what am I good for?
139
00:04:44,099 --> 00:04:45,565
- You're a talented guy.
- How?
140
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:47,033
You can raise your eyebrow really well
141
00:04:47,135 --> 00:04:48,702
in an inquisitive manner.
142
00:04:48,770 --> 00:04:50,470
So my brow game is at a hundred.
143
00:04:50,572 --> 00:04:51,671
Big whoop.
144
00:04:54,376 --> 00:04:55,809
Toothpick legs.
145
00:04:59,314 --> 00:05:01,881
I'm sick of my mom judging my friends!
146
00:05:01,950 --> 00:05:05,518
I keep forgetting my Hulu password!
147
00:05:05,587 --> 00:05:09,656
There's an owl outside my window
that keeps waking me up!
148
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:12,459
Nobody will go see Shawn Mendes with me!
149
00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:20,133
Wow. That was fun.
150
00:05:20,168 --> 00:05:21,167
What do you guys want to do next?
151
00:05:21,269 --> 00:05:22,302
I say we all go hot tubbing.
152
00:05:22,404 --> 00:05:23,436
And then get hot chocolate.
153
00:05:23,472 --> 00:05:24,671
That sounds great.
154
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:25,705
I don't know why my mom thinks
155
00:05:25,807 --> 00:05:27,807
you guys are such a bad influence on me.
156
00:05:27,876 --> 00:05:30,176
Hot tub hopping is trespassing,
157
00:05:30,245 --> 00:05:32,012
but since it's her first offense,
158
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,113
I'm letting her go with a warning.
159
00:05:33,181 --> 00:05:35,248
Thank you so much, Officer.
160
00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:37,017
We will take it from here.
161
00:05:39,454 --> 00:05:41,688
What the hell is wrong with you,
Taylor?!
162
00:05:41,790 --> 00:05:43,323
It's just tub hopping, Mom.
163
00:05:43,392 --> 00:05:45,358
Relax.
164
00:05:45,460 --> 00:05:46,481
Relax?
165
00:05:46,559 --> 00:05:48,695
Uh-oh. You said a "no-no" word.
166
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:50,630
This is not about hot tub hopping.
167
00:05:50,666 --> 00:05:53,066
This is about The Joshes
always getting you into trouble.
168
00:05:53,168 --> 00:05:54,234
Next time, do it right.
169
00:05:54,302 --> 00:05:55,802
Pick a house where the people
aren't home,
170
00:05:55,871 --> 00:05:57,604
throw a party, it gets out of control,
171
00:05:57,673 --> 00:05:58,838
call the cops on yourself.
172
00:05:58,907 --> 00:06:01,041
That's how it's done.
173
00:06:01,109 --> 00:06:02,909
Taylor, did the police officer
take you to the station
174
00:06:03,011 --> 00:06:04,544
before he drove you home?
175
00:06:04,613 --> 00:06:05,612
I got booked and everything,
176
00:06:05,681 --> 00:06:07,080
but I think he just did it to scare me.
177
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,682
Haberdashery!
178
00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:10,116
Ooh, you're in big trouble.
179
00:06:10,218 --> 00:06:12,352
Your father is talking old-timey.
180
00:06:12,454 --> 00:06:14,220
If you got booked,
that means your picture
181
00:06:14,289 --> 00:06:15,588
is definitely going to make it
in the police blotter
182
00:06:15,691 --> 00:06:16,856
in the Westport Gazette.
183
00:06:16,958 --> 00:06:18,158
I'm running for office.
184
00:06:18,226 --> 00:06:20,694
How can I run on integrity
when my daughter is a criminal?
185
00:06:20,762 --> 00:06:22,128
The cop let me off with a warning.
186
00:06:22,197 --> 00:06:24,330
I'm sure if we explain that
to the newspaper dudes,
187
00:06:24,399 --> 00:06:25,965
they won't run the story.
I'll come with you.
188
00:06:26,068 --> 00:06:27,467
That's actually a pretty good idea,
189
00:06:27,569 --> 00:06:29,069
and you volunteering to fix your mistake
190
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:30,603
- shows a lot of integrity.
- Hey!
191
00:06:30,672 --> 00:06:31,671
Integrity's a good thing.
192
00:06:31,773 --> 00:06:33,206
Oh. Okay.
193
00:06:33,308 --> 00:06:35,041
- Mm.
- Hmm.
194
00:06:36,812 --> 00:06:38,912
Ooh, we have enough.
We can upgrade our house.
195
00:06:39,047 --> 00:06:40,814
Oh. Yes.
196
00:06:45,687 --> 00:06:46,720
What are you doing, man?
197
00:06:46,788 --> 00:06:47,921
What does it look like?
198
00:06:47,989 --> 00:06:49,189
I'm eating my feelings.
199
00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:52,125
I have no value,
nothing to offer the world.
200
00:06:53,628 --> 00:06:55,261
That's your opening, dude.
201
00:06:55,363 --> 00:06:56,963
You're killing the vibe, man.
202
00:06:57,065 --> 00:06:59,566
I'm on a date here.
203
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:02,168
It's hard to play
when you're moping around.
204
00:07:02,237 --> 00:07:04,237
So, cheer up.
205
00:07:04,306 --> 00:07:06,005
Or shut up.
206
00:07:06,108 --> 00:07:07,507
Give him a break.
207
00:07:07,576 --> 00:07:09,642
He's trying to figure out
his place in the world.
208
00:07:09,711 --> 00:07:11,911
Is there anything you've always
wanted to try, but haven't?
209
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,080
I feel like I have
the soul of an artist,
210
00:07:14,149 --> 00:07:16,416
but I've never actually drawn anything.
211
00:07:16,518 --> 00:07:17,517
Grab the crayons.
212
00:07:17,619 --> 00:07:18,785
The nice ones.
213
00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:20,019
They're in the safe in my closet.
214
00:07:20,088 --> 00:07:23,156
- You know the code.
- 4932276098.
215
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:25,358
Great. Now we all know the code.
216
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:35,535
All right, guys,
let's see your portraits.
217
00:07:35,637 --> 00:07:37,203
Here's mine.
218
00:07:37,305 --> 00:07:38,271
What do you think?
219
00:07:39,407 --> 00:07:40,874
Wow. Wow, Cooper.
220
00:07:40,942 --> 00:07:43,409
Seriously, your drawing i-is amazing.
221
00:07:43,478 --> 00:07:44,911
Love, hate, life, death.
222
00:07:45,013 --> 00:07:45,979
It's all in there.
223
00:07:46,081 --> 00:07:47,514
Hmm.
224
00:07:49,451 --> 00:07:51,251
Let me see your drawings.
225
00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:54,020
Holy crap.
226
00:07:54,122 --> 00:07:55,388
Mine's terrible.
227
00:07:55,457 --> 00:07:56,689
Franklin, let me see yours.
228
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,460
Normally, I'm more of a surrealist,
229
00:08:00,562 --> 00:08:02,629
but with the medium of crayon,
impressionism called to me.
230
00:08:02,731 --> 00:08:03,763
Oh, yeah?
231
00:08:03,865 --> 00:08:06,232
Did a tragic fashion sense
call you, too?
232
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:09,402
Sorry. I'm lashing out
'cause I'm hurting.
233
00:08:09,504 --> 00:08:11,337
It's actually quite lovely.
234
00:08:11,439 --> 00:08:13,106
It's crap!
235
00:08:16,478 --> 00:08:19,746
So, I'm deciding
between Donor 20 and Donor 11,
236
00:08:19,848 --> 00:08:22,015
and I was wondering if you had
any more information on them.
237
00:08:22,083 --> 00:08:24,517
All the donor information can be
accessed on the online portal.
238
00:08:24,619 --> 00:08:26,619
I've read the files,
and I need to know more.
239
00:08:26,721 --> 00:08:29,122
You can tell a lot from looking
into someone's eyes.
240
00:08:29,191 --> 00:08:32,592
Like, your favorite Beyoncé album is...
241
00:08:32,661 --> 00:08:34,394
Oh, my God. It's "B'Day"!
242
00:08:34,496 --> 00:08:35,662
Girl, you are a loose cannon.
243
00:08:35,764 --> 00:08:38,031
I'm sorry, but we don't go
that in-depth with the donors.
244
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:39,766
Well, is there any way
we could contact them
245
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:41,301
to see if they'd be willing
to set up a meeting?
246
00:08:41,403 --> 00:08:43,403
I can't give out
any of that information.
247
00:08:43,505 --> 00:08:44,871
Egg donation is anonymous.
248
00:08:44,973 --> 00:08:46,439
Oh, I see.
249
00:08:46,541 --> 00:08:48,575
Like how Alcoholics Anonymous
says it's anonymous,
250
00:08:48,677 --> 00:08:50,143
but it's not really anonymous.
251
00:08:50,245 --> 00:08:52,345
If someone sees a celebrity
there, they're gonna tell.
252
00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,180
Yeah, my uncle was in AA with someone
253
00:08:54,282 --> 00:08:57,650
whose name rhymes with Shmel Bibson.
254
00:08:57,752 --> 00:08:59,018
Would a hundred dollar bill
change your mind?
255
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,220
Tami, cough it up.
256
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:02,255
- I don't have any cash.
- J.D.?
257
00:09:02,357 --> 00:09:04,190
- Uh, do you take Venmo?
- Get out.
258
00:09:04,292 --> 00:09:05,792
- Okay.
- Oh.
259
00:09:07,062 --> 00:09:08,261
I'll just tell you.
260
00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:10,263
It was Mel Gibson.
261
00:09:15,297 --> 00:09:16,615
Guys, I don't know if I can have a baby
262
00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:18,269
without meeting my egg donor in person.
263
00:09:18,397 --> 00:09:19,930
What if she's someone who claps
when a plane lands?
264
00:09:19,999 --> 00:09:21,598
I can't live with
that kind of genetic material.
265
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,267
Hey, I do that. Why is that bad?
266
00:09:23,337 --> 00:09:24,970
- We lived.
- Don't worry.
267
00:09:25,051 --> 00:09:26,570
We can still meet your donors.
268
00:09:26,664 --> 00:09:27,863
Before we left, I went to the bathroom
269
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,740
and unlocked the window.
270
00:09:29,842 --> 00:09:30,974
So we can sneak back in tonight
271
00:09:31,076 --> 00:09:32,576
and get the addresses of your donors.
272
00:09:32,646 --> 00:09:34,146
What if we get caught?
I can't go to jail.
273
00:09:34,224 --> 00:09:35,688
Come on. Be cool.
274
00:09:35,757 --> 00:09:37,023
Oh, okay. I'm in.
275
00:09:37,092 --> 00:09:38,324
I'm very susceptible to peer pressure.
276
00:09:38,393 --> 00:09:39,359
Tami, if we get caught,
277
00:09:39,461 --> 00:09:40,760
they're never going
to consider me viable
278
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:41,828
for an egg donation.
279
00:09:41,897 --> 00:09:43,163
Oh, that's true. I'm back out.
280
00:09:43,231 --> 00:09:44,964
But you just said if you don't
meet them face-to-face,
281
00:09:45,066 --> 00:09:46,399
then you're not going to do it.
282
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,802
If we don't do this, no baby.
283
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:50,670
I really want a baby.
284
00:09:50,772 --> 00:09:52,338
- I'm in.
- I'm back in, too.
285
00:09:52,407 --> 00:09:53,473
Wow! This is fun.
286
00:09:53,575 --> 00:09:54,507
I'm all over the place.
287
00:09:54,609 --> 00:09:55,742
Yeah, you are.
288
00:09:58,713 --> 00:10:00,947
I can't believe the publisher
wouldn't retract the story.
289
00:10:01,016 --> 00:10:02,549
I guess he has integrity.
290
00:10:02,617 --> 00:10:04,417
You learned a new word today. We get it.
291
00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:05,852
Hey.
292
00:10:05,954 --> 00:10:07,921
Aren't you that dude
from Stewart and Kingston's
293
00:10:08,023 --> 00:10:09,789
who writes a quote on every check?
294
00:10:09,858 --> 00:10:10,934
"Knowledge is power.
295
00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:12,525
Knowledge shared is power multiplied."
296
00:10:12,594 --> 00:10:14,494
- Robert Boyce.
- Yeah, I need to get a photo of you
297
00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:15,895
to prove to the guys in the kitchen
298
00:10:15,964 --> 00:10:17,564
that you're not a 90-year-old woman.
299
00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:20,300
Why were you guys meeting with my dad?
300
00:10:20,327 --> 00:10:21,760
Your dad is the publisher
of the Westport Gazette?
301
00:10:21,837 --> 00:10:23,736
Sure is. In fact,
the only reason he bought it
302
00:10:23,839 --> 00:10:25,305
was to keep me out of the arrest page.
303
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:26,906
As someone who always tips you 20%,
304
00:10:27,008 --> 00:10:28,107
would you mind asking your dad
305
00:10:28,143 --> 00:10:29,542
to keep her out of the police blotter?
306
00:10:29,644 --> 00:10:30,743
I'm running for city council.
307
00:10:30,812 --> 00:10:32,178
I can't afford a scandal right now.
308
00:10:32,247 --> 00:10:34,180
It won't be the first time
I've helped a politician
309
00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:36,149
keep his mistress out of the newspaper.
310
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,884
- She's my daughter.
- Ew! He's my dad!
311
00:10:37,953 --> 00:10:40,687
Oh. You guys have your
story straight. Well done.
312
00:10:40,789 --> 00:10:41,855
I'd be happy to help you,
313
00:10:41,957 --> 00:10:44,090
if you're willing to help me.
314
00:10:44,192 --> 00:10:45,291
Once you're on the city council,
315
00:10:45,393 --> 00:10:46,960
I need you to rezone my ex's house
316
00:10:46,995 --> 00:10:48,461
so it's not in Westport.
317
00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:51,331
- Why would you want that?
- To lower her property value.
318
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,466
That'll teach her
to call me petty and vengeful.
319
00:10:53,535 --> 00:10:55,168
I don't think a deal like that
would be ethical.
320
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,436
All right, well, think about it.
321
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:58,171
And if you two ever broke up, trust me,
322
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,639
you'd want to do the same thing to her.
323
00:10:59,708 --> 00:11:00,840
She's my daughter.
324
00:11:00,942 --> 00:11:03,576
And you're her daddy.
325
00:11:09,584 --> 00:11:10,984
What about construction worker?
326
00:11:11,086 --> 00:11:13,319
Oh, no. I promised my great-grandfather
327
00:11:13,355 --> 00:11:15,788
on his deathbed
never to do manual labor.
328
00:11:15,891 --> 00:11:18,391
I wasn't a pallbearer at his
funeral for that very reason.
329
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,759
Fair enough.
330
00:11:19,861 --> 00:11:21,661
What about... comedian?
331
00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:24,397
I have been known to make
some fairly keen observations
332
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,732
about the world.
333
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,333
Maybe it's time I put it in joke form.
334
00:11:27,402 --> 00:11:29,202
Yeah. I love your observations.
335
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:31,237
Oh. Which ones?
336
00:11:31,339 --> 00:11:32,872
The... keen ones.
337
00:11:32,974 --> 00:11:35,675
I love those, too.
338
00:11:35,744 --> 00:11:36,709
...then the kangaroo said,
339
00:11:36,778 --> 00:11:39,012
"Because I'm a marsupial,
for God's sake!"
340
00:11:40,682 --> 00:11:42,916
My boy can literally do anything.
341
00:11:42,984 --> 00:11:44,884
Thank you, guys. That has been my time.
342
00:11:44,953 --> 00:11:48,855
Next up on the stage
is an up-and-coming comedian.
343
00:11:48,957 --> 00:11:52,325
Put your hands together
for Cooper Bradford!
344
00:11:56,197 --> 00:11:59,098
So, I was having some spa water
the other day,
345
00:11:59,134 --> 00:12:02,535
and I was like,
"Why do they call it spa water?"
346
00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,971
You don't just drink it in the spa.
347
00:12:05,073 --> 00:12:07,573
You drink it on your yacht,
in your mansion.
348
00:12:07,676 --> 00:12:09,876
They should call it everywhere water.
349
00:12:12,247 --> 00:12:13,513
Guys, that's... that's funny.
350
00:12:13,615 --> 00:12:15,748
Don't talk to us. Just keep going.
351
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:18,918
What's a yacht owner's
favorite rap song?
352
00:12:18,987 --> 00:12:22,055
"I Like Big Boats and I Cannot Lie."
353
00:12:23,258 --> 00:12:24,991
These jokes used to kill with my staff.
354
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:26,059
Why aren't you guys laughing?
355
00:12:26,161 --> 00:12:27,560
Because you were their boss.
356
00:12:27,629 --> 00:12:29,095
You paid them to laugh.
357
00:12:29,164 --> 00:12:30,930
Oh. Tough crowd.
358
00:12:31,032 --> 00:12:33,333
Looks like I need some everywhere water.
359
00:12:35,103 --> 00:12:36,836
Nothing? That's called
a callback, people.
360
00:12:36,938 --> 00:12:37,904
C'mon!
361
00:12:42,277 --> 00:12:44,110
I found a way to keep Taylor
out of the police blotter,
362
00:12:44,212 --> 00:12:46,245
but I need your help.
Should I keep my integrity
363
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,513
or should I make a backdoor deal?
364
00:12:47,615 --> 00:12:49,215
- Greg, come on.
- Come on, what?
365
00:12:49,317 --> 00:12:50,717
We both know what's happening here.
366
00:12:50,785 --> 00:12:53,686
You, Mr. Integrity, are coming to me,
367
00:12:53,788 --> 00:12:56,422
Mrs. Not A Shred Of Integrity,
so I can tell you
368
00:12:56,491 --> 00:12:58,391
to make the decision
that you're too afraid to make.
369
00:12:58,493 --> 00:12:59,726
That's exactly what's happening.
370
00:12:59,794 --> 00:13:01,127
Help me justify my actions.
371
00:13:01,229 --> 00:13:03,129
Even though you are benefiting
politically
372
00:13:03,198 --> 00:13:04,430
by keeping Taylor out of the paper,
373
00:13:04,516 --> 00:13:06,616
you are protecting her
from embarrassment.
374
00:13:06,617 --> 00:13:07,614
Keep going.
375
00:13:07,639 --> 00:13:09,736
And whenever you're trying
to protect your family,
376
00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:12,171
you will always have integrity.
377
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,307
Wow. That kind of makes sense.
378
00:13:14,409 --> 00:13:16,142
Just like when the guy
in the Mafia whacks someone
379
00:13:16,244 --> 00:13:17,477
who's looking at his wife wrong.
380
00:13:17,545 --> 00:13:18,911
- What?
- Forget that part.
381
00:13:19,014 --> 00:13:19,979
Make the deal.
382
00:13:27,355 --> 00:13:29,555
Okay, ladies. Let's make this quick.
383
00:13:34,896 --> 00:13:36,029
Damn.
384
00:13:36,131 --> 00:13:37,230
There's a password.
385
00:13:37,332 --> 00:13:38,664
If this were one of my boys' computers,
386
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,166
I could crack it in a second.
387
00:13:40,268 --> 00:13:42,702
I spent years
hacking into their devices.
388
00:13:42,804 --> 00:13:46,339
Boobs123, HotBoobs, TigOleBitties.
389
00:13:46,441 --> 00:13:48,574
I've seen a thousand episodes
of "The Mentalist."
390
00:13:48,643 --> 00:13:50,610
My grandmother and I both think
Simon Baker's hot.
391
00:13:50,712 --> 00:13:52,245
Oh, my God. So hot.
392
00:13:52,313 --> 00:13:54,180
I don't know who that is,
but I'm gonna say he's hot, too,
393
00:13:54,282 --> 00:13:55,581
'cause I don't want to get left out.
394
00:13:55,683 --> 00:13:56,916
One thing I've learned is that people
395
00:13:57,018 --> 00:13:58,351
will often leave clues for you.
396
00:13:58,453 --> 00:14:00,820
You just have to look for them.
397
00:14:00,922 --> 00:14:02,889
This woman's really into reindeer.
398
00:14:02,991 --> 00:14:05,358
Ugh. She's one of those
year-round Christmas people.
399
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,226
Hey, I'm one of those people.
Why is that bad?
400
00:14:07,328 --> 00:14:08,371
Christmas is magical.
401
00:14:08,396 --> 00:14:09,662
Reindeer.
402
00:14:09,764 --> 00:14:11,297
Reindeer123.
403
00:14:11,366 --> 00:14:13,266
Try TigOleReindeer.
404
00:14:13,368 --> 00:14:15,168
Christmas.
405
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:16,869
Christmas123.
406
00:14:16,971 --> 00:14:18,004
Boom!
407
00:14:18,106 --> 00:14:19,939
- Damn, you're good!
- Thank you.
408
00:14:20,942 --> 00:14:22,608
Oh, crap! The cops are here!
409
00:14:22,710 --> 00:14:23,743
We must have tripped the silent alarm
410
00:14:23,845 --> 00:14:25,411
- when we opened the door.
- What are we going to do?
411
00:14:25,513 --> 00:14:26,913
Flush the evidence!
412
00:14:27,015 --> 00:14:28,781
Sorry. Old habits.
413
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,474
I don't want to go to jail.
414
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,975
Or maybe I do.
415
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:39,577
It would give me some time away
from Grace.
416
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:40,744
She's killing me.
417
00:14:40,768 --> 00:14:42,234
Okay, I'm ready for jail.
418
00:14:42,322 --> 00:14:44,956
You think a five-star hotel
is going to rehire a felon?
419
00:14:45,025 --> 00:14:47,525
At best, I'll be managing
a four-star hotel,
420
00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,460
where the guests can get cereal
in the lobby.
421
00:14:49,529 --> 00:14:51,963
Guys, you two climb out the
window and I'll take the heat.
422
00:14:52,032 --> 00:14:53,064
Martha Stewart went to jail
423
00:14:53,133 --> 00:14:54,732
and now she's got a cooking show
with Snoop Dogg.
424
00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:56,367
I honestly want this.
425
00:14:56,392 --> 00:14:57,458
Follow me.
426
00:15:01,671 --> 00:15:03,538
Okay. You can let go.
427
00:15:03,594 --> 00:15:04,526
On one.
428
00:15:07,665 --> 00:15:10,065
You good?
429
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:11,066
Yeah.
430
00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:12,367
The alleyway is clear.
431
00:15:12,403 --> 00:15:13,735
I can't believe we're doing this.
432
00:15:13,804 --> 00:15:15,203
Katie, this is all on you.
433
00:15:15,272 --> 00:15:17,139
I know. I'm such an idiot.
434
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:19,174
- I'm really sorry.
- What are you talking about?
435
00:15:19,243 --> 00:15:21,176
This is the most fun I've had
since I've been in Westport.
436
00:15:21,245 --> 00:15:22,844
Yeah. I'd much rather be here
437
00:15:22,913 --> 00:15:24,012
getting in trouble with you guys
438
00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:25,881
than at home eating a whole bag
of potato chips
439
00:15:25,983 --> 00:15:27,649
one small bowl at a time.
440
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,084
C'mon. Give it a try.
441
00:15:29,153 --> 00:15:32,020
Oh, Tami, you beautiful, stupid woman.
442
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,100
Dude, don't give up.
443
00:15:45,202 --> 00:15:47,235
There's more to you than just money.
444
00:15:47,304 --> 00:15:48,737
No. There isn't.
445
00:15:48,839 --> 00:15:51,440
I was bred to be rich. I'm a show pony.
446
00:15:51,508 --> 00:15:53,241
You can't put a plow on the back
of a show pony.
447
00:15:53,344 --> 00:15:54,676
It'd look ridiculous.
448
00:15:54,712 --> 00:15:57,145
I know you have tons of
qualities that money can't buy.
449
00:15:57,214 --> 00:15:59,648
- Like what?
- When I was the new kid,
450
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,985
you became friends with me,
even though I wasn't wealthy.
451
00:16:03,053 --> 00:16:06,221
And in a town like Westport,
that took character.
452
00:16:06,323 --> 00:16:08,290
I am good on the inside.
453
00:16:08,392 --> 00:16:09,424
Now do my outside.
454
00:16:09,526 --> 00:16:11,426
Your outfit is fire right now.
455
00:16:11,528 --> 00:16:12,661
Thanks, buddy.
456
00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:14,363
Hey, food's ready.
457
00:16:18,902 --> 00:16:19,968
Whoa.
458
00:16:25,175 --> 00:16:27,342
This is amazing.
459
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:28,643
What did you put in these?
460
00:16:28,712 --> 00:16:29,478
Nothing special.
461
00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:30,979
Just four kinds of cheese,
462
00:16:31,081 --> 00:16:33,348
caramelized onions,
and a thyme-sage butter I made.
463
00:16:33,417 --> 00:16:35,650
Oh, my God. Cooper, this is honestly
464
00:16:35,753 --> 00:16:37,386
the best grilled cheese I've ever had.
465
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,788
- Okay, guys, you don't have to lie.
- We're not lying.
466
00:16:39,857 --> 00:16:42,457
This grilled cheese tastes like
the last days of summer,
467
00:16:42,559 --> 00:16:44,026
when the sunshine is endless
468
00:16:44,061 --> 00:16:46,361
and the lake water
is as warm as the air.
469
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:49,398
Deep down, you know life
can't be this beautiful forever,
470
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:52,134
but that's why you go ahead
and take another bite.
471
00:16:53,370 --> 00:16:54,302
Thank you.
472
00:16:54,405 --> 00:16:55,704
And you wonder why I love him.
473
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,140
- Who taught you to cook like this?
- No one.
474
00:16:58,242 --> 00:16:59,674
I did spend a lot of time
475
00:16:59,743 --> 00:17:01,243
watching my family's personal chef.
476
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:02,644
I must've learned from watching.
477
00:17:02,713 --> 00:17:04,646
Well, I'm impressed.
478
00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:07,249
The texture of your grilled cheese?
479
00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:08,817
Exquisite.
480
00:17:11,188 --> 00:17:12,788
The plating?
481
00:17:12,890 --> 00:17:15,724
Inspired.
482
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:16,992
Judges?
483
00:17:17,061 --> 00:17:18,760
You may unpack your knifes and stay.
484
00:17:18,862 --> 00:17:21,396
So, wait... I'm a chef?
485
00:17:24,368 --> 00:17:26,535
I'm a chef.
486
00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:27,936
You are going to wear the crap
487
00:17:28,038 --> 00:17:30,305
out of those black-and-white
checkered pants.
488
00:17:30,374 --> 00:17:31,406
Yeah, I am.
489
00:17:35,379 --> 00:17:36,611
These are pretty.
490
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,080
Who sent them?
491
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:39,481
Oh, it's an apology from The Joshes
492
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:41,083
for getting me busted.
493
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,318
I hate to admit it, but you were right.
494
00:17:43,387 --> 00:17:45,287
It's time for me to get
some more mature friends.
495
00:17:45,389 --> 00:17:46,521
Hmm.
496
00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:48,423
"Sorry, Bruh. The Joshes."
497
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,158
Touching.
498
00:17:50,227 --> 00:17:51,793
Actually, Taylor,
I think you should stay friends
499
00:17:51,895 --> 00:17:52,961
with The Joshes.
500
00:17:53,063 --> 00:17:54,162
I was wrong about them.
501
00:17:54,231 --> 00:17:55,730
So, you don't think
they're idiots anymore?
502
00:17:55,799 --> 00:17:57,599
Oh, no. They're definitely idiots.
503
00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,768
But my friendship
with J.D. and Tami has taught me
504
00:17:59,803 --> 00:18:03,271
that sometimes, idiot friends
are the best kind of friends.
505
00:18:03,307 --> 00:18:06,074
They spice it up
and they make life not boring.
506
00:18:06,176 --> 00:18:08,243
But Tami and J.D. aren't idiots.
507
00:18:08,312 --> 00:18:10,479
No, they're friends with me.
508
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,214
I'm the idiot.
509
00:18:12,282 --> 00:18:13,782
Walker kept his word.
510
00:18:13,851 --> 00:18:15,617
Taylor isn't in the police blotter.
511
00:18:18,922 --> 00:18:20,055
That is true,
512
00:18:20,157 --> 00:18:21,723
but did you check the second page?
513
00:18:21,825 --> 00:18:23,125
No. Why?
514
00:18:25,662 --> 00:18:27,395
What the hell is this?!
515
00:18:27,498 --> 00:18:28,530
You were arrested breaking into
516
00:18:28,632 --> 00:18:29,931
a fertility clinic last night?!
517
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,967
Sounds like you know exactly
what the hell it is.
518
00:18:32,035 --> 00:18:33,401
I made a deal with the devil
to keep my daughter
519
00:18:33,477 --> 00:18:35,280
out of the paper
only to find my wife in there?
520
00:18:35,305 --> 00:18:36,295
If it makes you feel any better,
521
00:18:36,326 --> 00:18:37,672
there won't be any charges filed.
522
00:18:37,774 --> 00:18:38,874
Or I assume.
523
00:18:38,942 --> 00:18:40,942
I'm kind of treating it
like my parking tickets.
524
00:18:41,011 --> 00:18:41,977
I've been a politician for a week,
525
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,245
and I'm already doing crooked deals,
526
00:18:43,313 --> 00:18:44,446
and I have a family scandal.
527
00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:45,580
We're like the Kennedys,
528
00:18:45,682 --> 00:18:47,549
without the money or jawline.
529
00:18:47,618 --> 00:18:48,817
Who are they?
530
00:18:53,991 --> 00:18:55,090
What is everyone staring at?
531
00:18:55,159 --> 00:18:56,324
You. Your arrest
532
00:18:56,393 --> 00:18:58,426
is all that anyone
is talking about right now.
533
00:18:58,529 --> 00:18:59,561
Rumors are flying.
534
00:18:59,663 --> 00:19:01,196
People think you were trying
to steal information
535
00:19:01,298 --> 00:19:02,831
so you could sell your eggs
on the black market.
536
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,232
People have met my children.
537
00:19:04,334 --> 00:19:05,600
No one is buying my eggs.
538
00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:07,369
I'm sorry you got in trouble
for nothing.
539
00:19:07,471 --> 00:19:09,437
- It wasn't for nothing.
- What do you mean?
540
00:19:11,975 --> 00:19:13,775
Before the cops came in,
I logged back in
541
00:19:13,877 --> 00:19:15,443
to the nurse's computer
and got the addresses
542
00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:16,745
of your egg donors.
543
00:19:16,847 --> 00:19:18,313
Katie, you're the best.
544
00:19:18,415 --> 00:19:20,182
That's what idiot friends are for.
545
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:24,619
They're also good
546
00:19:24,721 --> 00:19:26,121
for giving you free muffins.
547
00:19:26,223 --> 00:19:27,322
Yeah, that's right. I'm a part of this
548
00:19:27,424 --> 00:19:29,057
whether you want me or not.
549
00:19:33,034 --> 00:19:35,916
Ooh! Hamilton Rogers was cited
550
00:19:35,992 --> 00:19:37,916
for using a gas-powered leaf blower.
551
00:19:37,948 --> 00:19:39,681
This police blotter never disappoints.
552
00:19:39,784 --> 00:19:42,050
Courtney Wellington
stole American Girl Dolls
553
00:19:42,153 --> 00:19:43,986
out of a kids' donation box?
554
00:19:44,088 --> 00:19:47,371
It's horrible, but, like,
so horrible I kind of love it.
555
00:19:47,426 --> 00:19:48,390
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
556
00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:50,893
Jessica Varnacky stabbed her husband!
557
00:19:50,995 --> 00:19:53,331
Oh. I thought that was gonna be,
like, a funny one.
558
00:19:53,391 --> 00:19:55,641
- Mnh-mnh.
- Anonymous vandal spray paints
559
00:19:55,666 --> 00:19:58,066
"It Sucks" under
"Welcome to Westport" sign.
560
00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,959
Anonymous vandal?
561
00:20:00,037 --> 00:20:02,271
My dad doesn't
give me credit for anything!
562
00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:03,672
Maybe he's trying to protect you?
563
00:20:03,774 --> 00:20:06,475
No. He's just not supportive of my art!
564
00:20:14,777 --> 00:20:15,976
Damn it!
40871
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