All language subtitles for Liquid.Assets.1982.720p.BluRay.x264-x0r

(rooster crowing)

(cows mooing)

- Please try to understand,
Plotzy,

I hate to leave you.

I love the farm and Trotsville,
but I have to go.

You see, out there is fame,
fortune, and success.

I'm gonna be a famous
actress on Broadway.

Maybe a celebrity, and maybe
even go to Hollywood

and do a film or something.

I have oodles of talent.

My high school English
teacher even told me so

after the senior play.

She said, Suzy, you
should be on a stage.

I wonder what she meant
when she said

that one was leaving
in 10 minutes.

(dramatic music)

Besides Plotzy, Daddy
needs the money

I'm gonna make to save the farm.

But don't you worry none

'cause I already have a job,
practically.

See?

Actress wanted.

Famous theatrical producer
seeks young girl

for starring role in major
stage production.

No experience necessary.

Well, this is goodbye.

So you be good, keep
your hay clean,

and don't shit in the barn.

I wonder what kind of play
this is gonna be?

(uptempo music)

- Oh, bitter fate.

Our funds have petered out and the
wolf is at the door.

Is there no justice for the arts?

- Just this overdue rent bill.

♪ Liquid assets

♪ Liquid assets

♪ Liquid assets

- Stan, we've got to do
something quick.

Are you sure that
brother-in-law of yours,

that lawyer, what's his name?

- Fillpots.

- Yes, him.

Hasn't he found some
rich investor?

Someone who can invest lots of
cash in your play?

- No, not yet.

♪ Liquid assets

♪ Liquid assets

♪ Liquid assets

- The first true and
authentic dramatic

rendering of intimate
lives of the Tsar

and his family in the last dark
days of the revolution.

♪ Liquid assets will
get you someday

♪ If you don't hide them,
you'll have to pay

- Ah, the dear sweet Tsar and his
darling, innocent family.

Why the pathos alone is worth a
drama critic's award.

- The pathos alone isn't worth

two shits towards the rent bill.

And without a theater,

all this is is 900 sheets
of toilet paper.

- Bessie, you're speaking
of my masterwork.

My chef-d'oeuvre.

My hors d'oeuvre.

♪ Liquid assets

- A work of monumental
dramatic importance.

Puts Tolstoy's crap to shame.

- Tolstoy didn't have
to steal soap

from the men's room at McDonald's.

- [Man] If we only had a
sexy young girl

to play the part of
Princess Anastasia.

Then we could use her to
catch a rich backer.

- Yes, I placed an ad in all
the trade papers.

- That's a brilliant idea,
my dear.

Imagine, an ad, an ingenue.

Fresh blood for the theater.

Long flowing hair over her
firm white shoulder.

Lips soft and red.

Breasts like melons in season.

Oh, the theater would come alive

with her magnificent performance.

I wonder if I should fuck her

before or after the
first rehearsal?

- Now Ms. Flater, please get this
letter very accurately.

Ready?

Okay, we commence.

Dear Mr. Cashbox, in
reviewing your tax case

with the highest legal references,

I have the displeasure
to inform you

that your present tax position is
one that should earn you

from three to five years in
the penitentiary.

- [Woman] Cashbox, I don't
understand why we can

never go to your house
to make love.

I know that you love me, but you
respond so strangely

whenever I mention going
to your place.

- [Cashbox] It's merely for a
change of scenery, Slimtits.

- [Slimtits] You mean, you get
tired of your king sized bed

and the Oriental rugs
on the floor?

And the original Rembrandts?

Or is it that you're just
trying to avoid

that old battleax of a theater
critic, Billie Haggard?

- [Cashbox] What do you know
about Billie and I?

I thought we were keeping
a low profile.

- [Slimtits] Everybody knows
about you and Billie.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Fillpots] Since your case is
scheduled to come up

before Judge Hammond on the 15th,

and since your tax
delinquency and shenanigans

are in such flagrant violation of
a number of tax laws,

I would advise you to
pack your bags

in preparation for a long trip.

Ms. Flater.

- [Slimtits] Does she have as
nice a body as I?

- [Cashbox] No, of course not,
my dear.

- [Slimtits] Does she touch
you the way I do?

- [Cashbox] No, no, no,
of course not.

But she...

She'd cut it off if
she even thought

I was with another woman.

- [Slimtits] Can she kiss you
with love and passion?

- [Cashbox] No, no.

(soft moaning)

- [Slimtits] It makes me
feel so wonderful

to feel you inside of me.

- [Cashbox] That's it.

Let me get a little closer to you.

Breasts are so firm like
a little girl's.

(moaning)

- [Slimtits] Cashbox,
just for you.

They're for you.

- [Cashbox] Mm.

See how hard the nipples get?

Sweet little rosebuds.

- [Slimtits] Oh, Cashbox.

I love it when you
touch me that way.

- [Cashbox] It gives me
great pleasure, too.

- [Slimtits] Deeper.

Deeper.

(gasping)

(moaning)

Oh, God.

- [Cashbox] I feel your muscles
tightening around me.

Tight, wet, and hot.

- [Slimtits] Oh, God.

- [Cashbox] I feel you cumming.

You drive me to passions beyond
my wildest dreams.

I can feel you cumming.

I feel it, and it makes me
want to come, too.

Oh, oh.

(moaning)

- [Slimtits] I'm terribly
attracted to older men.

- The only possibility of
escaping your just fate

would be for me to arrange a
meeting with Mr.Quimm.

Slater.

He is presently employed by the
tax collector by day,

but he works by night
independently as a
loophole salesman.

He is so thoroughly familiar

with the complexities
of the tax laws,

that I am sure that he will
be able to sell you

a tax loophole which will
resolve your problem.

I have therefore
arranged a meeting

with him for tomorrow
night at 8:00 p.m.

at Hindegren's restaurant.

Yours, very truly, et cetera, et
cetera, et cetera.

PS, please bring cash.

Did you get all that, Ms. Flater?

Oh, Ms. Flater.

Ms. Flater, I can't stand
it any longer.

I just long to feel those firm
breasts against my chest.

Oh, I desire you.

I want you.

To feel those smooth, creamy
thighs wrapped around me.

Your passion, your heat.

I've gotta have you right now.

Here and now.

Kiss me, Flater.

You're such a turn on!

You never argue, you don't fight.

Take this cock and put it
right into your mouth.

Oh, can you feel, it's soft now.

Oh, take it in deep.

That's it.

Now let me see you give
it some head.

Good, long stroke like that.

Ooh, you never argue.

You do just what I tell you.

I love that fact about you.

Oh, suck on it good.

Back and in.

Oh, you feel it getting harder?

Feel it getting harder?

That's good.

Ooh, suck it.

Oh, you're so nice and moist,

and not a word out of your mouth,
which I love.

Diligent worker.

You never fight, you never argue,
you never quibble.

Ah!

Oh.

Ooh, I like it.

My cock is getting nice and stiff
now in your warm mouth.

I wanna fuck you now.

I want to put my penis inside you,
is that okay?

Good.

Don't lose that.

Come over here with me.

Sit right here, and
don't say a word.

Lie back.

I'm gonna mount you right
here and right now.

Stay like that.

Don't move.

You're losing your hair,
sweetheart.

Okay.

I like you better as a blonde.

Ah.

How's that, good?

Good.

(moaning)

Oh, I love it.

My penis is inside your warm,
moist pussy.

It's getting harder, and harder,
and harder.

Do you like the
missionary position?

I love it myself.

I always had a deposition any day,
anywhere,

that you are the perfect woman.

A loyal secretary.

I won't come inside your pussy.

Oh no, no paternity suits for me.

You're not gonna sue me
for child support.

I'm gonna put it right in
your bung hole.

Don't move.

Right in your ass.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, get.

I like you better as a brunette.

(moaning)

Oh, I love your ass.

Pro Bono, ipso facto.

Don't say anything.

You having a good time?

Good.

Oh, you feel my cock,
how hard it is?

I'm gonna cum all over your back.

You don't mind, do you?

Good girl.

(moaning)

You ready?

(grunting)

I'm gonna take a few nips of you.

Do you mind?

I'm gonna take a little bite that
you'll like so much.

Helps you cum when I cum.

You ready?

(whirring)

(uptempo music)

- Hello?

My name is Suzy, and I came all
the way from Trotsville

just to get a part in your great
epic Piece and War.

- My god, I don't believe it.

The angel bait we've
been looking for.

My dear child, welcome to New
York and the theater.

My name is Stan Slavsky and this
is my assistant Bessie.

- Hi.

You just kissed your own hand.

- I know.

Now, the first thing you must
do is get yourself

a good theatrical lawyer.

I just happen to have the card
of the most eminent

theatrical lawyer in the world,
Cyrus P. Fillpots.

See him as soon as you can.

- Okay.

- Stan, why don't we
have Bessie read

for the part of Anastasia, the
Tsar's favorite daughter?

And if you like, I'll read the
part of the Tsar, you know.

- That's a marvelous idea.

You see, Suzy.

My play takes place in
Russia in the last

dark days of the great war.

Russia has been bled white.

You must read this part with great
pathos and deep feeling.

Start on page 506.

- Mama Tsarina, now that
they've forced us

into the miserable peace treaty
of Breasta, Breastli.

- Breastlitosk.

Never mind, my dear.

No matter, go on.

- Tell me which panties I
should wear to the ball.

The pink or the blue?

She turns aside and faces Tsarina.

Over.

- [Stan] She just read
stage direction,

but look at those tits.

- The Mensheviks have sold
us down the river.

I think the blue are best, you
miserable wretch.

Rasputin likes blue and I know
that he got into your

panties last night after
he left my bed.

- Um.

But Mama Tsarina, he told me that
I could not be saved

unless I had first sinned.

I sinned four times with him.

Twice down there, once
between my tiny beasts.

- [Stan] Breasts, you dimwit.

Breasts.

- And once in the ass.

What a liver.

- [Stan] Lover, you bumpkin.

Lover.

- But Mr. Slavsky, it says liver.

L-I-V-E-R.

- Never mind, dear.

Go on.

- [Bessie] Anastasia, I
fell for that same

stupid line, but you.

You were supposed to be smarter.

Didn't we have you instructed on
how to read and write?

- Yes, but the mystic
monk Rasputin

has instructed me in
other subjects, too.

- No, no, no.

How can you take such
perfect prose

and turn my exquisite words
into such banalities?

You must understand the
deeper significance.

And you move like a plow horse.

Here, let me show you as
you read the words.

You move this way as you
read the words.

This way.

- Mr. Stan, do you have
to hold me there?

My breasts are very sensitive.

- Nonsense, nonsense.

Just say the words and I'll
show you how to move.

- Mr. Stan, you're
squeezing my tit.

- My dear, you do have to make
some sacrifices for your art.

- You're squeezing it too hard.

You're gonna make it
black and blue.

- Oh, did I really hurt it?

Let me look and see.

- Mr. Stan, I'm not
that kind of girl.

- Suzy, Suzy.

Just let me kiss it and
make it better.

- Oh, no you don't.

I promised my daddy
back in Trotsville

that I'd stay pure and clean.

- You do want the part, don't you?

- Of course I want the part.

I'm very, very talented.

My high school English
teacher even told me so.

- Okay, okay.

Just let me kiss your tits.

- No!

My daddy back in Trotsville
told me that I.

- All right, you've got the part.

You've got the part.

- Anybody else ever even
touch me there.

And there are all kinds of
degenerates in the big city

and that I should look out for

and that I shouldn't just let
anybody at all spread my legs.

- Did that mean, mean girl
hurt my poor Stan?

What a nasty girl.

Here, let Bessie help Stan.

Come on.

Yes, suck on Bessie's soft breast.

That's right.

Yes, yes.

Yes, suck on Bessie's hard nipple.

That'll make you feel better,
Stan.

Yes, that's good.

Come on.

- Oh, where does it hurt?

Come on, baby.

I'll fix it.

Don't go on me now.

Come on, come on.

Let's see.

Here we are, right there.

Don't move.

Don't move, doll.

Don't move.

No.

Damn, that's not it.

Oh, right here, right here.

Don't move, don't move.

- Hello, Lawyer Fillpots.

My name is Suzy and I'm
from Trotsville.

- So what?

- Well, I've come to New York to
be a famous actress

and I need a slick New York lawyer
to draw up a contract

for my first starring role
with Mr. Stan Slavsky.

- Who, that dimwit?

- Yes.

He's gonna make me a big star

in his epic play Piece and War.

- That son of a bitch
brother-in-law of mine

has lost his marbles for
real this time.

- Hmm?

Did you say something?

- No, nothing, nothing.

Goddamn tape's not working.

Damn it.

- Well see, he said that I need a
theatrical contract

in order to be a big star and sue
everybody in sight.

I have a hundred dollars.

- Oh, well, in that case.

My, what a nice pair.

- [Bessie] Nasty girl's
all gone now.

Ooh.

Look what the nasty girl did
to Stan's poo poo.

Made it all hard and hot.

Oh, poor Stan.

Bessie will make you feel better,
okay?

I'll put my tongue and my mouth
around it and I'll suck it.

(moaning)

(grunting)

Oh, that Stan.

What a fucking director.

- Just go into that
drawer over there.

It's full of the latest model
theatrical contracts.

- [Suzy] Okay.

- No, no, no, no, no, dumbbell.

Can't you see that all
the contracts

in this drawer are broken?

Go to the next one.

No, no, no, no.

Go lower, lower.

No, skip it, skip it.

Go lower, lower.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

- Are these the contracts?

- Yeah, yeah, let me see.

I'm having eye trouble,

so I have to read over
your shoulders.

Comes from reading
newspapers on the subway.

It's an incurable
illness they tell me.

There, that's better.

I can even see the fine print
from this position.

- Lawyer Fillpots, do you
know that you're

squeezing my tits?

- Oh, yes, yes.

Undeniably.

In fact, I feel that we
should discuss

the rest of your legal problems
over dinner tonight.

I'm dining with some of
my colleagues

and I think it'd be a good idea.

- Lawyer Fillpots, I'm not
that kind of girl.

- Strictly business, of course.

Or we could always have a nightcap

later on in my apartment.

- [Suzy] And that I
should stay a virgin

and I shouldn't let
anybody else ever even

touch me there at all.

And there are all kinds of
degenerates in the big city

and I should look out for 'em

and that I shouldn't just let
anybody spread my legs.

(moaning)

- [Cashbox] Baby, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

- [Woman] Oh, Cashbox.

You animal.

Fuck me, you animal.

You stud.

Don't stop fucking me.

(moaning)

No.

- [Cashbox] On to San Juan Hill.

- [Woman] Oh, you're the best.

Oh, darling.

- [Cashbox] Oh, baby.

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

- [Woman] Yes.

Oh, yes.

I just wish you gave it
to me more often.

- [Cashbox] Oh, yes.

- [Woman] Oh, you're the best.

Oh, Cashbox.

Don't stop, darling.

You stud.

Don't stop fucking me.

Oh, darling.

- [Cashbox] Oh, baby.

It's good, isn't it?

- [Woman] Yes.

(moaning)

My hero.

- [Cashbox] Oh, I feel
it happening.

Oh, Billie.

Oh, it's good.

Oh, is it good for you?

- [Billie] It's good for me,
Cashbox.

- [Cashbox] I'm gonna cum, Billie.

- [Billie] Cum, Cashbox.

Make me cum.

Oh, darling.

- [Cashbox] Oh, yes.

Yeah.

(moaning)

- My hero.

(moaning)

You don't love me anymore.

- Oh, Billie.

I do, I do.

You know that.

- You used to fuck me
with enthusiasm.

What made you lose interest?

Don't lie to me.

It's another woman, isn't it?

- My love, how can you accuse
me of such a thing?

- Easily.

You're a man, aren't you?

- Oh, come on.

You got that line right out of the
play we saw last night.

Just because you review all
these Broadway plays

for the Daily Rag doesn't
mean you're supposed

to believe the dialogue too,
you know?

- Cashbox, you can fool some of
the people all of the time,

but don't try and pull the
wool over my eyes.

I don't have to be
America's foremost critic

to know what every woman knows,

that you don't love me anymore.

You used to fuck me with
more interest.

- You.

I love you, I love you!

It's just I have this little
problem on my mind.

I may have to go away for a while.

Three to five years.

A little disagreement with
the tax people.

- Only three to five?

The way you've been fucking around
with the government,

I'm surprised they don't put
you away for life.

- Hey, well...

You know, it's tough when you're
in the 99% tax bracket.

You'd do anything rather than
have to sell shoelaces

in front of Bloomingdale's.

But there's hope.

There's still hope.

- A fast plane to Argentina?

- Oh, Billie.

I could never leave you.

You know that.

No, Fillpots, my attorney,

has arranged a meeting with a Mr.
Quimm.

He's a tax expert.

So acquainted with the tax laws,

he's got more loopholes than a
cable knit sweater.

As a matter of fact, I'd
better get going.

Quimm doesn't like to
be kept waiting.

Charges by the hour.

- I wonder where he is?

- Hey, don't worry about it.

He said he'd be here at
nine o'clock,

he'll be here at nine o'clock.

I bet you could set your
watch by this guy.

- Excuse me, sir.

Your table is now ready.

I'm sorry for the delay,

but this is one of the busiest
nights of the year for us.

Please, follow me.

- [Cashbox] Ah, my savior at last.

- Sit, sit.

Mr. Cashbox, it is my pleasure
to introduce to you

Rufus P. Quimm, tax loophole
expert, par excellence deluxe.

Genius with the floating decimal.

Master of the multiple ledger.

Hero of the hidden account.

I want you to know that after long

and tedious painstaking
hours of deep,

diligent research into
your very own

personal financial problem,

taximus Maximus, that's
what we call it,

Mr. Quimm has shown his
exceptional skill and
has dug deep,

deep into the dung heap that make
up this national tax

and he has discovered a
loophole solution

which is so brilliant,
so marvelous,

quite frankly, I think he
surprised even himself.

Haven't you?

- Wait a minute.

Taximus Maximus, what's that?

- What's he talking about?

- That's a technical term, Mr.
Cashbox.

What it means is, the tax
collector is after your ass.

- Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, sorry.

This is Ms. Slimtits.

I'm helping her get started in
the theater business.

Good oral style.

Shows great promise.

Great delivery, moves well.

And, uh.

- Oh, this is Suzy.

- Gee, I just love older men.

Gray pubic hair makes
my mouth water.

- Now Mr. Quimm will
explain the ipso facto

of the modus operandi pertaining
to the proposed solution

of your problemicas taxicalogus,

which you have, Mr. Cashbox.

Go ahead, Quimm.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

- First, I need not tell you, Mr.
Cashbox,

that loopholes of this type
that you require

do not grow on trees.

However, I think I did find one.

And since Fillpots here tells me
that money is no object,

I was saving it for a rainy day,

but it does look a little cloudy.

- [Cashbox] Well, I'll
tell you what.

Why don't we just trade umbrellas?

- Ah.

This loophole is a
theatrical tax shelter,

which is calculated to
bring in the lowest

diminishing returns possible in
the shortest fiscal period.

Yes.

The bottom line is that you will

practically go broke overnight.

- [Cashbox] That's good?

- And thereby stay out of jail.

- [Cashbox] That's good.

- That's good.

- Quite so.

Now let me elaborate on this
histrionic adventure.

You've heard of Stan Slavsky, the
theatrical director?

Well, he operates this
off-Broadway playhouse

called the Theater Hysterium.

It's off, off, way off Broadway.

In fact, it's the perfect
location for what we need.

It's cozy, intimate, damp.

That special atmosphere that
we're looking for.

Early dungeon.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Slavsky's also the writer of the
play you want to produce.

Titled either Comes the
Revolution or Piece and War,

a stirring drama about the
Russian revolution.

Sure to be the biggest theatrical
disaster in decades,

which would bring you the
largest tax write off

in the annals of taxicus
historius, Chapter 11.

Get the picture?

- Okay.

All right, let me get
this straight now.

I produce this ridiculous play in
a dilapidated theater,

it bombs and I stay out of jail,
right?

- A most accurate summation of
the plan, Mr. Cashbox.

My learned colleague and myself
will further ensure

the demise of this literary blight

that will enhance you from your
financial entanglements.

It is a true coup de jour.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What makes you guys so sure
this is gonna work?

- Tootsie Lamarr.

- Oh, how stupid of me.

Of course.

What's a Tootsie Lamarr?

- The worst actress in
the business.

In fact, she's the worst
actress in the world.

The worst actress to walk the
boards in this country.

The worst actress since Mata Hari.

- Mata Hari was shot.

- Well, Tootsie's half shot.

She's loud, she's vulgar,
she's clumsy,

and she's been banished from every
stage in this country.

Ever since her children's
matinee of Pinocchio

in which she sat nude on
the puppet's face.

- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Say no more.

Say no more.

I got the picture.

The broad sounds horrendous.

I love her already.

Just tell me one thing.

Where'd you find such a totally
inept, repulsive performer?

- Wasn't hard.

She's my sister.

- Okay, guys.

Deal me in.

Fillpots, make the arrangements
and let's get started.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

What the?

Poor kid.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

- Mr. Fillpots, I'm not
that kind of girl.

- So, meet me at my
office tomorrow

and we can divert the
fundus moneterium

and sign the required documents
under the gallium.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll bring the bread and
sign the papers.

Just don't worry.

- Wow, I just love old men.

- Good evening, gentlemen.

- Gray hair.

My father was an older man.

- That's Judge Hangman.

The most dimwitted judge to
ever serve the bench.

- [Slimtits] My father
was an older man.

At least I think he was.

I wonder if he wears a truss.

Maybe I'm attracted to
his wrinkles.

(clears throat)

(coughs)

- Me, me, me, me.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Okay.

One-um, two-um, three-um, four-um.

Here, sign the documentary legalis

right over there, please,
so we can start

the fundus illegalis
into operation.

- Okay.

- Very, very good.

Put the rubber stamp.

There you go.

- That ought to do it.

You know, Quimm's loophole worked
out to a tee, Fillpots.

I gotta hand it to you, really.

The guy's a genius.

- I knew it would.

I knew it would.

- But he's weird, you
know what I mean?

- What's so weird about
my brother Quimm?

Him and I are like two
peas in a pot.

And honey, there ain't nothing
strange about me.

- You must be Quimm's sister.

- Yeah.

- The famous actress.

- Yeah, you're goddamn right I am.

That's me, honey.

I'm the best fucking
actress around.

Trouble is, these cock sucking
New York producers.

They wouldn't know the
difference between

a hot piece of ass and
a pile of shit.

- Tootsie, Tootsie!

You gotta keep it down.

The staff.

I have a respectable
law office here.

- Oh, creep lawyers.

I tell ya, they cost me a
fucking fortune

with their torts, their tarts,
their.

- Lamarr, listen.

If you just talked a little
bit more softly.

You're not on stage now
and we do have

something vitally
important to discuss.

- Yeah, I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

You've got the best fucking
script in the world

and you're gonna fall right on
the balls of your ass

unless you got me to bail you

and your piece of shit play out.

- I beg to differ.

This does happen to be a very good
play about the Tsar.

- Oh, great.

Do I get to fuck him?

- Who?

- The Tsar, you asshole!

- Jesus.

Fillpots, you better
close the window.

They can hear this broad
down in the street.

- You know, you've got the sexiest
elevator in the world.

Elevators really turn me on.

You know, it's all that up
and down action.

And it gets me so hot and wet.

Then I have a rotten day unless
I get sweetened up.

Right now I could just use a hard,
stiff cock.

- [Cashbox] No, no.

- How's this?

- Not in front of the window.

Not in front of the window.

Jesus Christ.

Fillpots, do we really need this?

I mean, this broad's
gonna get us busted

on an indecency charge.

- You better go along with it.

Quimm will get very upset if
we don't use her.

- Hey, are you boys gonna talk all
day or are we gonna fuck?

- Oh, Ms. Titsie, Tootsie.

We invited you here to offer
you a starring role

in a production that I'm
financing and I want you.

There's a terrific role
in this for you.

- Role?

Did you say role?

Do you boys want to see
Tootsie roll?

What?

I don't roll nobody.

I mean, if you want to throw
me a couple of bucks

after we fuck, that's all
right with me.

Listen, I'll do it for free.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It won't be necessary, Ms. Lamarr.

It won't be necessary.

You come highly recommended.

We don't have to see you in the.

- Hey!

What kind of audition
is this anyway?

Are you boys on the level?

I've never been to an audition

where I didn't get to
fuck the producer.

I mean, it's part of showbiz.

- [Cashbox] Do we really...

Do I really...

Do I really have to go through
with this with this lady?

- [Fillpots] Well, as your
legal counselor,

I strongly suggest you do.

I'll fumigate the place with
Lysol when she leaves.

The couch can be reupholstered.

Enjoy yourself.

- [Tootsie] Well, well.

What do we have here?

Oh, that's a first-class shvantz
if I've ever seen one.

And believe me, honey, I've
seen a lot of 'em.

I'll just blow this up here

and we'll see what we've
got to work with.

- [Fillpots] And you, my doll.

- [Cashbox] Uh...

Uh, Ms. Tootsie.

You really don't have to do this,
you know.

You have the part.

You don't have to.

- [Tootsie] Hey, if I don't
get a piece of an ass

out of this audition,

I don't want your stinking job,
you hear?

You can take your play
and shove it.

But, honey, when I'm hot, I'm hot.

- [Fillpots] You better have
coitus disgustus with her.

We're depending on her for the
success of the production.

- [Tootsie] Oh, yes.

(Tootsie growling)

- [Cashbox] Now, Ms. Tootsie,
please.

I mean, the dramatics is
really unnecessary.

(Tootsie growling)

Now, Ms. Tootsie, please.

- [Tootsie] Oh, yes.

- [Fillpots] And how are you,
my baby?

You're sick, aren't you?

- [Cashbox] Ms. Tootsie, please.

- [Fillpots] Let me fix it here.

Look at you.

Just look at you.

- [Cashbox] Well, you
have the part.

- [Tootsie] Come on, honey.

Come on, fuck me.

Come on, fuck me now.

- [Cashbox] Anything you say, Ms.
Tootsie.

Anything you say.

All right.

- [Tootsie] This'll be the best
audition of my life.

I can feel it.

Oh, yeah.

- [Cashbox] Wait, wait.

Let me get.

(moaning)

(uptempo music)

- [Tootsie] Come on.

- [Fillpots] You don't feel good,
do you?

I'll try a little mouth to mouth.

Come on!

She's dead.

I think I've killed her.

(sobbing)

- [Tootsie] Come on, fuck me.

Oh, yeah.

- [Cashbox] Wait, wait.

Just let me get.

(moaning)

- [Fillpots] I know.

The black one.

Come on.

- [Cashbox] Ms. Tootsie.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

(moaning)

- [Fillpots] She's dead.

I killed her.

(sobbing)

You only have to understand.

She stopped fucking.

It was justifiable homicide.

I didn't mean to do it.

- [Tootsie] Yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh.

(Tootsie growling)

(moaning)

- [Cashbox] Okay, Ms. Tootsie.

All right.

It's all right.

- [Tootsie] That's the best
fucking audition I've ever done.

I'll take the part.

Boy, you two really know how
to produce a play.

- [Cashbox] Uh.

- [Hangman] Pimps, pornographers,
prostitutes.

I have been entrusted by the
government of this country

with the power to put vile
criminals, such as these,

behind thick iron bars.

They should be locked up forever.

Throw away the key.

Pimps, prostitutes, pornographers.

They defile the land, threaten
the very sanctity

of the American family unit with
their perversion and filth.

Excellent.

Law is very clear about pimps

praying on the virginal
beauty of our women.

They suck dry the essence of all
that is pure and innocent.

Peddling it on the streets.

20 years hard labor.

Law's position on whores is clear.

Prostitutes are wanton
women leading astray

the husbands and fathers of
our great land.

Just having them in my
court sullies

the very honor of this
establishment.

10 years, each count, hard labor.

Very good.

Little bit to the right.

Pornographers are the worst.

Their filthy books and magazines.

Films flaunting those
young bodies.

I'd lock them up for
life if I could.

And it is my solemn sworn duty to
give these offenders

the true measure of the law.

Time and time again in a
never-ending battle

against the hordes of perverts
that fill the darkest,

damp recesses of our
great metropolis.

These people suck the life from
our very social structure.

That's nice.

It's a great
responsibility being a judge.

You have to spread the truth wide

and wield the sword of justice
with a swift stoke.

It gets to be a harder
task every day.

Harder and harder.

And after years on the bench
punishing, lecturing,

berating the scum of the earth,

it all comes to this.

Come, come.

Come.

(grunting)

- [Slimtits] You old men
always have so much.

- [Hangman] Legislating social
behavior in this society.

It's a sticky situation.

I rest my case.

- [Slimtits] Did I ever tell you

I was fatally attracted
to older men?

- Casting has become an
instinct with me, Bessie.

I can cast in my sleep.

For example, name any
character in Piece and War.

- Rasputin the Mad Monk.

- Excellent choice.

Rasputin.

Let me think.

There.

There is our Rasputin.

- [Bessie] Where?

- My good man.

My good man.

You're about to begin a
glorious journey

into a new and marvelous world.

- Rasputin, eh?

- Well, he will need a monk's robe

and we'll have to get
him to switch

from this stuff to vodka.

It will work.

I can direct anyone.

Trust me.

Have I ever been wrong?

- Always.

(both laughing)

- [Woman] It's a real shittin'
shame, I tell ya.

(people chattering)

- Quiet, everyone.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Good.

Now, let's begin.

We'll take it from the
Tsar's speech.

Places, everyone.

Oh, the Ukrainian sun has
risen on dark day.

The peasants are rumbling.

- It's all that borscht.

I rumble, too.

But here are some of your
loyal peasant subjects

to report on how your
people really feel.

- Come.

Come to me.

Fear me not.

I am your Tsar.

This, your Tsarina.

And this is our fair-weather
daughter Tsarishna.

I consider all of my loyal
subjects as my children.

My.

- Tsardines?

- You be quiet.

(laughing)

- It's even worse than I thought.

- It's un-fucking believable.

- Child, you seem
abreast of the times.

Do you find the
peasants revolting?

- No, sire.

- [Stan] You help me
defend Mother Russia?

- Be an honor to serve
underneath you, sire.

- Papa Tsar, the Mensheviks
are at the back door,

and the Bolsheviks are at
the front door,

and the Litvaks are
waiting their turn.

- Ha.

Our armies will repel them.

We'll spread their flanks and
cut off their rear.

- Cut off their rear?

Sounds Greek to me. (chuckles)

- Come.

And what does visionary Mad Monk
Rasputin have to predict?

- Hey, look.

This is ridiculous.

Have you ever seen
anything like this?

(laughing)

- [Rasputin] I gotta have a drink.

- No, no, no!

That will never do.

We must take a break.

I must have time to
compose myself.

Break, everyone.

Five minutes.

- So and I said to him,

honey, if you can't
fuck worth a shit.

- Fillpots, I gotta hand it to
you, you know that?

Swell job.

- Well, you see.

As promised, Cashbox, the
declination of working capital

will expedite your taxsoto
loss with vigor.

You've lost a quarter of a
million dollars

on rehearsals alone.

Moneterium deterioratum is the
legal term for it.

- Hey, listen.

I can feel the dough slipping
through my fingers right now.

Are you kidding me?

I'm home free.

I beat the government.

(laughing)

My get out of jail
free card worked.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- [Stan] Let's run
through it again.

With vigor this time.

(tense music)

(woman screams)

- Why, Mr. Quimm.

How nice to see you again.

I was just leaving the
theater from rehearsal

of my starring role in
Piece and War.

I never expected to see you here.

- Uh, well...

I like to take late-night walks
in the neighborhood.

- Oh.

Well then, I guess this
is my lucky night

'cause I wanted to talk to you.

I was so impressed by your
knowledge in the restaurant

that I said to myself,

well, here's a man who
can really help

my daddy back in Trotsville.

You see, he has a
little trouble with

the Government Agricultural
Subsidy Program.

- Listen, not here.

Look, it's getting a little damp
and cold out here.

My place is right
around the corner.

(tense music)

- Nice place you got here.

- Thank you.

I do my best.

You know, you wouldn't believe it,

but the American
people are the most

wasteful people on Earth.

You wouldn't believe what
they throw away.

You wouldn't believe it,

but everything in this apartment
has been furnished

from stuff I've found in garbage
piles in the neighborhood.

Perfectly useful items
just like this.

Perfectly useful.

Just tossed away because of
corruption in our society.

- Yes, yes, yes, Mr. Quimm.

But about my daddy's tax problem.

You see.

- Oh, we'll talk about that later.

But first, don't you want to get

a little bit more comfortable?

(Suzy gasps)

- [Suzy] You see, my daddy
said that, well.

- One minute, Suzy.

Let me just go over these figures.

Ah.

Look at that.

Obvious mistake.

Obvious.

Any fool could see that.

- Well, you see, my daddy
said that when.

- Now if we just entered theses
figures in this column here

and transpose this file here and
get a file form 563216B

and then pay off the local field
officer, of course.

Your father can not only
save his farm,

but he can have the government pay
him 9,888,985 cents.

Five cents.

How could I make a
mistake like that?

I never did that before.

Six cents.

Suzy, you are a very,
very rich woman.

If you let me handle this.

- [Suzy] Mr. Quimm, I'm not
that kind of girl.

- [Quimm] No.

- [Suzy] And my daddy back
in Trotsville says

when the right man comes along,
I'll know it right away,

and that I should stay
a virgin and...

Oh, that feels very, very good.

Oh.

And that I shouldn't let
anybody ever touch me.

Oh, you are touching me,
aren't you?

(uptempo music)

(moaning)

And there are all kinds of
degenerates in the big city

that I should watch out for.

And where are you pushing me?

(moaning)

And that I shouldn't just let
anybody spread my legs.

You have spread my legs,
haven't you?

And I shouldn't just
let anybody...

Put your big throbbing prick
in my hot, hot cunt.

(moaning)

And you have done just that.

(moaning)

That feels very, very good.

Feel that big, hot cock
throbbing inside of me.

And I feel it going in and out.

In, out.

My Daddy says, I'm cumming.

Oh, and I'm gonna explode in
just two seconds

if you keep that up.

Oh shit, I'm cumming.

(moaning)

- [Fillpots] I wondered
what it would take

to make her shut the fuck up.

(gasping)

(moaning)

- [Woman] Oh, Cashbox.

Oh, Cashbox.

I consider this a great honor.

(moaning)

You're a terribly important man.

An angel of the theater.

You're the patron of the arts.

- [Cashbox] Oh, no.

Yes.

- [Woman] Oh, Cashbox.

- [Cashbox] Quite the contrary,
my dear.

- [Woman] And so rich.

- [Cashbox] It is you who
do me the honor.

Are you comfortable, my dear?

- [Woman] I've never been more
comfortable in my life.

(moaning)

Oh, yes.

Rub my clit.

Rub my clit.

Rub my clit.

- [Cashbox] And when I go round
and round like this.

Does that please you?

- [Woman] Oh, it's wonderful.

Don't take him out.

I'll kill you.

Don't.

- Oh, yes. - No.

- [Cashbox] Oh, don't cum, Ruda.

Don't cum.

No, no, no, no.

Don't be greedy.

- [Ruda] Don't take him out.

- [Cashbox] Oh, it's
just for a moment.

Please.

Shh.

Be patient, my dear.

It's going to be all right.

Yes.

Yes.

- [Ruda] Oh, Cashbox.

- [Cashbox] Oh, yes.

Yes.

(moaning)

Oh, yes.

(moaning)

(uptempo music)

(cork pops)

- Now I understand why
Billie Haggard writes

such lousy reviews for her paper.

You probably screwed
her brains out.

(laughs)

I'm surprised she can still
even sign her name.

- Well, thank you very much,
my dear.

I've always admired a woman
with intellect.

However, I didn't know Billie and
I were common knowledge.

- Cashbox, darling, nothing you do
could ever be common.

- Have I ever told you
how much I enjoy

your theatrical reviews, Ruda?

Your writing style has such class,
my dear.

And it's a breath of fresh air
that you don't find

each new play to be an
utter catastrophe.

- When I sign my byline to my
reviews Ruda Barrel,

I want everyone to know
about the kind of slop

the theatrical producers dish out

to the theater-going public.

My name stands for something.

- Quite so, my dear.

You are a veritable consumer
protection agency

to the theater-going public,
aren't you?

(laughs)

- Damned right.

I tell the truth so those corrupt
producers cannot profit

from their shoddy plays
and productions.

- Hear, hear.

Tell it like it is.

- Just because Billie Haggard
writes for the Daily Rag

and they have a
larger circulation,

doesn't mean that everybody
doesn't also read my reviews.

- No.

Quite so.

I read your review
myself every day.

- Why don't you dump that old bag?

I could take care of you a
whole lot better.

- I just might do that.

After the play I'm producing
opens tomorrow night,

I thought I'd make
certain arrangements

between the two of us.

As a matter of fact, I don't see
why we can't start

our little relationship right now.

As I mentioned earlier, the
play I'm producing

is opening tomorrow night
and I thought.

- What the hell is this?

Are you giving me a bribe

so I'll give your play
a good review?

- No, it's an honorarium,
not a bribe.

- That's a goddamn bribe.

And you know what?

That's what this whole
scene is all about.

You fuck my brains out,

you give me money so I'll give
your play a good review.

- Oh, no, Ruda, I.

- Listen.

Your play is gonna get the
lousiest review.

The worst goddamn
review I ever wrote.

I ever wrote.

- I'll kill that bastard!

- Once more.

- Get out of my way!

- What'll I do?

What'll I do?

She can't find me here or
it'll cost me my job.

- The bathroom, the bathroom.

Get your clothes and hide
in the bathroom.

- [Billie] I know that
two-timing son of a bitch

is in there with another woman.

- [Man] Please, do not force me to
cease being a gentleman.

You absolutely have no
right to go in there.

- I'll cut his balls off!

I'll kill the bastard!

- [Man] Mr. Cashbox will be
most distressed

if you open that door.

Please, do not force
your way past me.

- Okay, Cashbox.

Where is she?

- She, my dear?

To whom are you referring?

- Don't give me that
grammatical shit, you turd.

Now, where is she?

- If you're insinuating that
there's somebody

in this room with me, I'm
afraid you're mistaken.

- I smell another woman.

So help me if I find out that
you've been cheating on me,

I'll bite your balls off,
so help me.

- Billie, why would I even
think of another woman

when I have you?

- Easily, you're a man,
aren't you?

- I think we've firmly
established that in the past.

- Then prove it to me again.

Fuck me right now.

- Oh, no.

I have a very pressured schedule,
my dear.

Do you realize what time it is?

- Right now.

- Oh, you're just hungry.

You need a little bite to eat.

I'll have Ed Noodle, my butler,
prepare a little snack.

That's what we'll do.

- [Billie] Right now.

- [Cashbox] A video cassette.

A little movie.

- [Billie] Right now.

Listen, Cashbox.

If you haven't been
cheating on me,

then you're going to prove
it to me right now.

I'll make it very clear.

You're going to perform

and you're going to
perform damned well

or I'll give your play the
best damned review

you've ever seen and that will
blow your tax shelter to hell

and you right into jail.

So you are going to fuck me now

like you've never fucked another
woman in your whole life.

- [Cashbox] Oh, I'll do the best I
can considering my.

(muffled talking)

- [Billie] Cashbox, you can do
better than that.

I'll start composing the review.

- [Cashbox] No, no, no.

Wait, wait.

We're making a little progress.

- [Billie] Last night I
had the pleasure

of opening the new season with the
most remarkable play.

- [Cashbox] No, no.

I'm making some progress now,
darling.

Yes.

- [Billie] Called Piece and
War by a remarkable

new playwright Stan Slavsky.

(moaning)

- [Cashbox] We're really making
some progress now, toots.

Don't worry about anything.

Does that feel good?

- [Billie] Although there's some
Broadway standards,

it did have some faults.

Cashbox, you're in
the right place.

(moaning)

Oh, lick it harder.

The innovative approach.

Oh, you're approaching.

(moaning)

Innovated.

Innovate my cunt lips
with your tongue.

The innovative approach

(moaning)

has rendered a new
theatrical piece of art.

Aren't you there, Cashbox?

(moaning)

I need to feel your
prick inside me.

Ooh, a great work.

(moaning)

(laughing)

A great work.

- [Cashbox] Yes, great work.

Yes.

- [Billie] Nuts, nuts.

I can feel your nuts
pressing against my ass.

Oh, Cashbox.

I accused you unjustly.

How could you have
screwed another woman

when you're fucking me like this?

Oh, fuck me more.

Gonna give me an orgasm.

- [Cashbox] I can feel you
tightening around me,

squeezing me.

Yes.

(laughing)

- [Billie] I'll write
the worst review

that your play ever had.

Last night, I witnessed the
worst piece of shit ever

that any critic has ever been
forced to endure.

Do more, do more.

- [Cashbox] You cumming?

- [Billie] It's gonna happen.

- [Cashbox] Yes.

- [Billie] I'm gonna cum.

(grunting)

- [Cashbox] Do it, Billie.

Do it, Billie.

- [Billie] Darling.

Darling.

(moaning)

(laughing)

- [Cashbox] There.

Perhaps now you'll afford me a
brief respite, my dear.

- [Billie] Oh, yes, my darling.

My precious darling.

Rest, rest.

I'll just wash myself up a little.

Fix myself up.

I'll use the bathroom.

- [Cashbox] Certainly, certainly.

No, not in the bathroom!

You can't go into the bathroom.

No.

No, no.

- [Billie] Why the hell not?

- [Cashbox] Well, the plumbing's
broken, of course.

- [Billie] The plumbing's broken?

What the hell are you talking
about the plumbing's broken?

- [Cashbox] Please,
don't go in there.

It's not safe.

- [Billie] Not safe for who?

I'm gonna find out who
you've been fucking.

She's hidden.

Oh.

You?

You bitch.

Bad enough you spell like you
never graduated kindergarten,

but you had to fuck Cashbox.

I'll fix you.

I'll fix you both.

I'll call your editor
and have you out

in the street by tomorrow.

And you?

You'll be in jail by
tomorrow night.

I'll fix your phony tax
shelter tax dodge,

so help me, and I'll fix it good!

- [Cashbox] Some people just
can't take a joke.

(uptempo orchestral music)

- [Woman] I am loads on Mother
Russia and the whole army.

This is my specialty.

- [Stan] I am a counselor
for my people.

I speak to them.

I am not a sphinx.

- [Woman] I always knew something
sphinx around here.

Now I know.

(people booing)

(people chattering)

- [Woman] Let's go home.

Let's get out of here.

- [Man] Come back for
the second act?

You must be crazy.

- [Billie] Absolutely the greatest
art play of the century.

You have to understand that we
have just witnessed

for the first time a truly new art
form of the theater.

Jitter verite.

- [Woman] Oh, please.

- [Man] That's Billie Haggard.

She's a famous critic on the Rag.

- [Man] Oh, really?

- [Billie] Underneath all the
pathos is a comedy.

You can't take this
situation seriously.

It's all a big joke.

- [Man] She's right.

I think she's right.

It was pretty funny.

(knocking on door)

- [Stan] Yes, yes.

Come in, come in.

Oh, Suzy, it's you.

- [Suzy] Mr. Slavsky,

the theater isn't what I
thought it would be.

- [Stan] My child, what's
upsetting you?

- [Suzy] Well, to be truthful,

I don't think the audience liked
me in the first act.

- [Stan] Nonsense.

It just takes a little time to
warm up the audience.

Wait till the second act.

That's your big scene.

You'll have them eating
out of your hand.

- [Suzy] Mr. Slavsky, I don't
think I can do it.

I mean, I don't think I'm
ready for this.

- [Stan] It's just
opening night jitters.

Nothing to worry about.

- [Suzy] I'm all hot and nervous.

Ooh, what are you doing?

- [Stan] I'm sending you
out there a kid

and you're coming back a star.

- [Suzy] Oh.

- [Billie] To me...

To me Slavsky is the great
American playwright.

- [Woman] Yeah, you're right.

You're always right.

- [Billie] You know, it's a
brilliant production.

(moaning)

- [Suzy] Oh, Mr. Slavsky.

I have so much admiration for you.

- [Stan] Greatness will
always be recognized.

- [Suzy] It is rather great.

In fact, it's greater than Mr.
Quimm's.

You do it much better.

(moaning)

I'm feeling better already.

I feel like I could
conquer the world.

- [Stan] Amateurs, amateurs.

God, save me from the
world of amateurs.

(moaning)

Genius is forever.

- [Suzy] Well, maybe your forever,

but I'm about to cum right now.

(knocking on door)

- [Man] Mr. Slavsky, second
act places, please.

The curtain is going up.

- [Stan] Let 'em wait.

I'm just about ready to cum.

- [Suzy] But the second
act is starting

and I'm gonna go out there a kid
and come back a star.

- [Stan] But, Suzy.

You can't leave me in
this condition.

It's inhuman.

- [Suzy] Mr. Slavsky, the first
thing that we of the theater

learn is the show must go on.

- [Stan] Oh, nuts.

A little knowledge is a
dangerous thing.

- [Woman] I can't wait to
see the second act.

(people chattering)

- [Cashbox] Hello, Vice Squad.

I feel it my civic duty to
report an obscene play

being performed at
this very instant

at the Hysterium Theater.

That's right.

Nudity, sex acts, the
whole nine yards.

Send a patrol car, or make it two.

Better yet, send the wagon.

(people laughing)

- [Suzy] The white Russian
armies will free us

from the peasant hordes.

It's only a matter of time.

- [Stan] Yes, just a
matter of time

till I fix that cunt of yours.

- [Suzy] The red armies
are pulling out.

- [Stan] Yes, pulled out just
as I was about to.

- [Suzy] Hark, a think I hear the
Tsarina approaching.

- [Tootsie] There you are.

The great oracle, the
Russian Rasputin,

has just made a prediction.

The peasants will remain
loyal to the Tsar.

Hey, dimwit.

Forgot to do up your pants.

- [Stan] What are you doing?

(people laughing)

(burping)

- [Cashbox] Uh, that judge,
Hangman.

Hangman's his name.

That's right, Judge Hangman.

You'd better bring him along to
declare the play obscene

before you raid the theater.

My name?

Oh, Alvin Framertas.

So Haggard, you wanna play dirty,
huh?

- [Stan] Bring me my love,
peasant subjects.

Let me hear of their loyalty
with my own ears.

- [Slimtits] Yes, sire.

Oh, beloved Tsar of the Russians.

I'm just devastated by older men.

- [Stan] What are you doing?

Stick to the script.

Don't touch me there, please.

Mother Russia is always here to
embrace you children.

Come to me, Anastasia.

Come and let me hold
you to my bosom.

The plot has been exposed.

The Cossacks are
pounding at the gate.

- [Suzy] Oh, Papa Tsar.

Let them in, let them in.

- [Woman] Oh, so it is that
kind of a show.

Wow.

I did that in Peoria and got
myself arrested.

- [Tootsie] And what does the
great Russian oracle Rasputin

have to say about this?

What will be the fate of
the Russian people?

Speak, Rasputin.

Speak.

- [Rasputin] Lady, please.

Can I have some peace and quiet?

I wanna enjoy my drink.

I gotta take a piss.

- [Tootsie] Hey.

Honey, you can't leave like that.

Really professional.

- [Man] Wait till the
revolution comes.

He'll give it to this
guy up his ass.

- [Woman] Look at you, my
precious flower of manhood.

Let me try your manhood where
it really counts.

His manhood is just like you said,
erect.

- [Woman] Gee, I don't have this
part of the script.

Is this supposed to be the
conversation feel?

(people laughing)

(moaning)

(uptempo orchestral music)

- [Man] You do wild things to me,
Suzy.

When I make love to you I hear
bells and sirens.

(whistle blowing)

(siren wailing)

- I declare the afore said play to
be totally obscene.

Of all the plays and films
that I have seen

in my 50 years on the bench,

this is the worst indecency
I have ever seen.

People fornicating on the public
stage like cattle.

No shame at all.

The worst case of coitus
profundus I have ever seen.

Actors, actresses no more
than common whores

using the theater as a guise

to show their smutty performance.

- Well, hello, Judge Hangman.

How nice of you to come to
see our performance.

- Hello there, Ms. Slimtits.

On the other hand, sex
between loving people

can be considered a
great work of art.

We must learn to discriminate
between lewd acts

and a beautiful play such as this

with redeeming social value.

♪ Liquid assets

♪ Lawyer Fillpots says
you must invest

♪ In something doomed to fail

♪ It will help you divest

♪ Cashbox says they'll
call me a fake

♪ Who care about art when
you need a tax break

♪ Produce something awful like a
rotten Broadway play

♪ Certain to close on opening day

♪ Liquid assets will
get you someday

♪ If you don't hide them,
you'll have to pay

♪ If you walk on Easy Street

♪ Careful where you
plant your feet

♪ 'Cause money can send you higher

♪ It's a wolf in lamb's attire

♪ Liquid assets will
get you someday

♪ If you don't hide them,
you'll have to pay

♪ End