All language subtitles for Thalasso Retail

On 17 October 2014
Michel Houellebecq was kidnapped

and held prisoner for 5 days.

After receiving their ransom,
the kidnappers let him go

and one of them drove him home.

Given where we're at,
I hope it ends in an uprising.

- What?
- An uprising.

I think Brussels is a beautiful place
for a civil war.

There's no democracy currently.

Except, to some small degree,
in Switzerland.

Holland? Sweden?

Certainly not. Sweden is among
the world's most undemocratic countries.

Sweden is a veritable dictatorship.

You can't think what you want.
It's worse than France.

Mind if I drive your car
a little on the way home?

It's nice.

- Think so?
- Yes.

Michel, how fast are you going?

220.

250...

5 YEARS LATER

T - 4 DAYS

Do you have arterial hypertension?

No clue.

You'd know it,
there's a pill you'd take mornings.

Heart attack, stroke, embolism,
no history there?

No.

How about bronchitis? All good?

No, I often get bronchitis.

None of that rules out treatment.

It just tells me
whether I need to pay extra attention.

How about blood flow?
No Raynaud disease?

Do your fingers turn white
in the cold or anything?

White, no. More like blue.

In that case,
you'll have gloves to protect you.

- To avoid that.
- And my feet?

I'll give you socks.

No problem.

Any recent alcohol or drug use?

Alcohol, yes. Last night.

What about drugs?

Not recently, no.

No?

Great.

I have a bad feeling about this.

You're afraid of....

Yes.

No risk of my toenails falling off?

None.

I'll raise you up, don't worry.

I can see you clearly.

It works in 10-second cycles.

For 3 seconds, it'll go...

The chamber is filling with nitrogen.
In other words, cold air.

OK?

Don't worry.
I'm starting the machine.

Turn towards me. Face me.

Turn this way. Facing me.

But it's cold!

That's the whole point.

You OK? You'll feel great after.

Don't worry. Face me.

How much time's left?

About a minute.
I set it for 2 minutes.

Turn this way.

Hold on a little longer.

Goddamn it!

- Face me.
- I don't like this at all.

- It's almost over.
- Not one bit.

You'll feel blissed out afterwards.

How much longer?

50 seconds left.

It's taking forever.

To be honest, I'm already fed up.

It'll be good for you.

It's only the first day.

Hello, sir. Everything OK?

Yes.

Today's specials are squash soup,
and for dessert,

a candied banana.

Right. And the main course?

That's the squash soup.

It's both starter and main course.

It's quite a large portion.

With the banana for dessert.

A banana?

Right, a candied banana.

Can I get you water with that?

- Yes, a pitcher.
- Perfect.

And the wine list.

A cocktail, if you like.
Wine isn't included.

- I'll pay for it.
- You're on the diet plan.

I have orders.
The nutritionist should've explained it.

- It's water-only.
- Nobody mentioned that.

My apologies.

I can't serve you wine.

Tap water,
or mineral water if you prefer.

- I have Vittel.
- You don't have Badoit?

I saw you on TV the other day.

Which show?

A show that...

They asked you questions, but I didn't
understand a single one of your answers.

I don't remember.

This is a deep-tissue massage.

You'll feel great after.

I can't understand a thing.

Where does it hurt?

It only hurts when you touch me.

Oh shit!

Well, I'm getting out.

I've done enough.

Sir, excuse me?

Hello?
Smoking isn't allowed on the premises.

Could you put it out please?

I'm not in my room.
I'm on the patio.

This is a smoke-free area.

- Everywhere?
- Sorry, sir.

I have to ask you to put it out.

Excuse me, sir?

Hello.

Smoking's prohibited here.

Outside, too?

Outside and inside.

I have to ask you to
please put it out.

Goddamnit.

T - 3 DAYS

The food is...

It's blah.

What about it?

It's not good. Not at all.

Yesterday, the squash soup...
I hate squash.

And a banana. I hate banana.

So you should totally change

your menu.

Plus...

I'm not allowed to drink wine,
which I find odd.

Why? What bothers you?

I'm used to having
a little wine at mealtime.

OK.

What quantity?

Well...

A bottle, generally, per meal.

I'm not asking for that much.

Because I realize
I should try harder in that area.

But one glass is a good amount,

or two, let's say.

That's not the part that surprised me.

It's your bloodwork.

Because I spoke to your doctor

who sent your last results
by email

and they're not good,
especially your liver enzymes.

They show your liver is very tired.

To give you a reference...

I saw you were at 110.

Normal range is between 15 and 55,

so your alcohol consumption
could be dangerous to your health.

I think still water remains
the best option this week.

For the whole treatment?

Yes.

How's the writing going?
Are you able to...

Are you finding inspiration at the spa?

That's another issue.

It's more tobacco related.
I can't smoke, so I can't really work.

You can't do anything without nicotine.

Please extend your leg.

I'm starting the pressotherapy machine.

And now I'll let you get some rest.

- Laura, isn't it?
- Exactly.

Could you hand me my book?
I want to read a little.

Here. Would you like a blanket?

Yes... I don't know.

No, that's OK.

Laura!

Excuse me, sir?

- Yes, hello.
- Nope.

That's off-limits.

I just wanted to see how it works.

That's off-limits, sir. Thanks.

Sir...

Do you have a light please?

A light?

Mr. Depardieu?

Yes.

I'm happy to see you, Michel.
Here.

- Thanks.
- I'll light it.

What are you doing here?

I'm at the spa.
I love seawater spas.

And you? You look great.

Yeah. I'm fine.

- Been here long?
- Since yesterday.

- Done many treatments?
- Frankly...

I don't like it here at all.

You can't smoke anywhere.

That's the same everywhere.

No, it's worse here.
You can't even smoke outside.

You can't drink at mealtime.
Well, I can't.

Have you had a checkup
to see what you need?

No, zilch.

If you haven't seen a doctor
definitely don't do...

- Cryo or something?
- You did cryo?

You need to see a doctor.
Those morons should've told you.

It's dangerous
especially for a shrimp like you.

You could freeze.
Your bones could freeze.

- Really?
- Think about it.

You don't feel bone right away.

Same thing with your balls.

My wife asked about my cock, yeah.

They're clueless.

They show up here unemployed,

take a few training classes

and burn your dick off.

- A guy really lost his dick?
- He really did.

- He didn't feel it freeze.
- In France?

In France, yes.

He told me there was one
at the beginning in Poland.

It happens in France,
they just don't tell you.

They won't tell you their own
cryo-therapists are terrible.

Who's that?

Don't burn yourself.

- Hello.
- Sir.

You're not smoking, right?

- You better not be.
- Of course not.

When it's like this,
you just smoke more.

And your teeth?

I've lost all the upper ones.

I had all that redone.

I can't get implants

because I don't have enough bone.

They have to add bone.

One doctor told me,
"No way, you're a smoker."

It's shit in France.

Go to Hungary.

Why not make it easy on yourself
and come to my room?

- Where?
- I have ammo. Room 222.

- 222?
- Right.

- See you later, then.
- Later, Michel.

Bye.

What did Matthieu say exactly?

He said Dédé was in a bad way.

That Ginette had left...

and he wanted us to go see...

how he's doing.

It pisses me off to be here,
tell you the truth.

You don't just split at 82, Maxime.

At 82, your life is finished...

Game over.
What else is there?

How should I know?
She must have a reason for leaving.

When you've built a life together.

It's impossible.

It's possible, you take viagra...

Your sex life is good. No problem.

At 80, you still get action.

What matters is
the guy getting hard,

it's not the girl's problem
if the guy...

With Dédé, who knows?
I'm sure he's had erectile problems.

His hand shakes,
so I'm guessing he's not rock hard,

but old pussy is forever young.

An old pussy is always young.

In Sweden, I saw this on TV...

They grafted a 72 year old's uterus

into a 20-year-old woman

whose uterus was fucked.

And it worked!

But...

I don't see the point of putting
an old pussy in a young person.

To procreate.

So procreate with a young pussy,
why use an old woman's?

Not all young pussies are fertile.

What then?

They take out the young pussy
and put it back in the old woman.

But careful!
There are cases of pussy rejection.

What do you mean "pussy rejection"?

The old woman's pussy
gets moved to the girl, right?

Right.

The problem is her body
can reject the pussy.

He's here.

Hi Dédé.

- Hi Dédé.
- Are you OK?

Leave me alone.

Look, Dédé, Matthieu called us

and told us to come see you.

You're a pain in the ass!

Matthieu sent us.

Matthieu's a jerk.

I'm watching you, Gypsy boy!

So am I!

Don't mess with me

or I'll put a bullet up your ass.

I first met Ginette in Milwaukee.

I wanted to take a boat ride
on the lake with her girlfriend.

She was wearing long pants.

And I said:

"Why hide those pretty knees?"

She replied, "What's it to you?"

Excuse me, Dédé.

Fine, and you?

No complaints.

I'm at a friend's parents' house.

How about you?

Chilling.

Hello?

What the hell is this?

"The reference to the truth
is more important than the truth."

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

I saw you in the hotel this morning,
at breakfast.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

I love your work.

I've read all your books
from the very first one.

They totally changed my life.

- Changed your life?
- Yes, really.

I was afraid to approach you earlier.
I'm a little shy, but here...

I know you're working on a new book.

Are there any kinky scenes?

- Not really this time.
- Not this time?

Because in one of your books...

If you want to tackle other subjects,

like in The Map and the Territory,
I tried to emphasize the father-son duo,

so I didn't make
Olga's character very sexy.

It would've upset
the father-son relationship.

Which book?
I don't know that one.

The Map and the Territory.

- I noticed you have a pencil.
- Yes.

I would be very, very honored
to get your autograph.

Of course.

I'll give you the book.

Thank you.

But this one isn't mine.

But I was sure that was you, right?

You think he looks like me?

From afar.
Photos are never very accurate.

Actually, they often are.
This looks nothing like me.

If I see him,
I'll tell him I met a big fan.

- So you are...
- Michel Houellebecq.

Oh, the other writer...

Right, the other writer.

I have a treatment,
so I better get going.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

You said 222, but that's not right.

Doesn't matter.

This isn't 222?

No, it's 382.

But it doesn't matter.

- It's big!
- Yeah, it is.

Is this what they mean by "executive"?

You're right. It's not too bad...

Fuck, that's good!

You drink right away!

Aren't you gonna sniff it?

When I was younger,
I used to smell everything.

I remember certain smells...

But now...

Here.

Because they wanted to take my bone
and graft it somewhere else.

No, that's bullshit!

It's like cryo.

But dentures are annoying.

I didn't want to do
the personal bone graft.

But anyway...

Taste this, here.

Thanks.

That said,

you can eat paté with dentures.

So they told you it's an artwork

and you can't remove it?

It's an installation.

Like the paintings up there.

So they can call the suite "artsy"
and raise the price.

Everything is artsy these days.

Yes, I've noticed.
It's everywhere.

Yes.

I was afraid to touch it.

Not if it's off-limits, no.

For a minute, I was tempted

to see what was inside.

Nothing, probably.

It's shit either way.

Don't think about your physique.

- If the girl likes you...
- That's not it!

- If the girl...
- It's my weight!

That's a different problem,
a purely mechanical one.

If the young lady likes you,

you like yourself.

The Talmud of Babylonia.

Never read it.

They're religious books,

books that explain that...

the Talmud is what the Torah left out.

Uh, yeah.

Do you believe in God?

It varies.

It varies. Sometimes, yes.

What is God?

It's the organizer of the whole shebang.

He made the sky, the earth...

- The physical laws.
- And the Word.

- The laws?
- The Word, the animals...

It's organized, but it involves math.

There's math in it.

But there was a guy...

or an entity,

who set it all up.

But at funerals I've been to...

one was Catholic, the other Jewish.

Frankly Catholics do funerals better.

Jewish funerals are totally depressing.

You've got this dreary Kaddish...

Whereas Catholics are positive
the person is alive and waiting for you.

Losing someone is the worst part of life.

It doesn't get worse than that.

For me, they never die.
All my dead are with me.

There are people inside you,

with their spirit.

I believe in the ressurection of bodies.

Now that, I'd like you...

to explain to me
what the resurrection of the body is.

People who have died...

I'm going to cry.

You can really touch them.

I could touch my grandmother again,
her shoulder.

That's not ressurection.

Yes, it is.
The resurrection of the body.

You could touch their bodies
same as before.

Same as before. Exactly the same.

Exactly the same.

Like before.

They're dead,
but it's actually a mistake.

But...

I...

I don't understand
what you're saying.

I'm...

I'm astounded.

Hold on.
I haven't had time to think clearly.

Let's just say...

The whole human project
wasn't God's simplest endeavor.

I know I'll see people again.

Excuse me?

I know I'll see people again.

Well, anyway...

You never lose them,
they're inside you.

Your grandmother's caress
is inside you.

No, it's somewhere else,

it will happen again.

What once was...

Death...

Death doesn't exist!

Death doesn't exist, Gérard.

Death doesn't exist.

You rot, then you come back

same as before, exactly the same.

Nothing is definitive.
It doesn't exist.

Where are you getting this?

I just know.

I just know.

Believe me.

Oh my God.

T - 2 DAYS

Wake up, sir.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

I work here.

I'm here for your treatment.

You have cryotherapy this morning.

I'm afraid so.
It's in your treatment plan.

I haven't had breakfast.

There's no time.
There are guests right after you.

Come.

I don't have my bathrobe.

Here it is.

We'll get dressed there, OK?

Shouldn't I put on shoes?

Don't worry.
I have sandals for you there.

That bitch dislocated my shoulder.

May I have a word?

Yes.

I'm a huge admirer.

In Obelix...

You were... you were...

And what do you do?

I work in cryotherapy.

I maintain all the hoses...

The equipment.

What do you like about Obelix?

His physique...

We never see them urinate

or defecate.

They're like Laurel and Hardy.

You know Laurel and Hardy?

Yes.

Right, you never see them...

"I'm Laurel and you're Hardy..."

Mr. Houellebecq,

someone for you at the front desk.

- Really?
- Yes.

Coming, then.

Matthieu, I'm glad to see you.

Hi, Michel.

Sorry to bother you,
but we need to talk.

Are you in trouble?

Yeah.

Is there a quiet place we can talk?

We can go to my room.

Ginette left Dédé.

He's beside himself.
He's talking suicide.

With all the guns at home, I'm worried.

Did she mention anything?

No.

No, nothing.

You two were close, you often spoke.

Yes, but... has she been gone long?

She said she was leaving him,
packed up and left.

Like... left him for good?

Yeah.

No way!

You were over there a lot,

you two were close.

She told you things, didn't she?

During a chat, maybe,
she didn't mention anything?

Well...

Not that she was leaving, no.

Did she say anything else?

Yes, but...

Excuse me.

Oh, Gérard!

Hi...

Here, Michel.

- That's nice of you.
- Some ammo.

I'm with Matthieu, a friend.

Mr. Depardieu, what a surprise.

Congratulations on your brilliant career.

To me, you're our greatest actor.

Careers are bullshit.

The movie industry is bullshit.

You play rugby?

You have cauliflower ears.

I wrestled and kickboxed.

That's why I have cauliflower ears.

I did a little boxing.

No, it's more...
He does some weird stuff.

I had an orgy with Muhammad Ali.

Really?

Really?

He had huge arms.

But his dick...
Maybe it was just dwarfed by...

I mean, he was so...

Sorry, but Freddy's in the car.

Who's Freddy?

His dog.

A dog?

He's a fighting dog.

When I was held captive

at his parents' house,
he attacked me,

but we ended up getting rather friendly.

I once got attacked

by a guy who sicced
a pitbull on my ass.

I could smell a fight, so I said:

"Let's take it outside,
and not fight in this goddamn bar,"

where I could tell
they were all in the business.

And then, all of a sudden,
he opens the trunk of his Renault

and yells "Attack"!

And the pitbull lunges at my throat...

Sorry, Gérard,

I have to talk to Michel alone,
it's important.

Go right ahead.
My lips are sealed.

I won't listen.

My mother is missing,

and since Michel's a friend,

I thought he might know something.

They've been together 55 years?

Yeah.

She's 80.

In good health?

Excellent.

At 80, she decides to leave him
and vanishes the next day.

People cheat at any age.

Don't jump to conclusions.

She didn't say she was
leaving him for someone else.

If she's leaving,
it's for someone else.

She's happy elsewhere.

But she's 80.

So? You can be happy at any age.

No, it's a good thing.

So you know her?

Yes...

She's an attractive woman for 80.

Very attractive.

She didn't tell you anything?

She won't come home
unless she wants to.

If the glass slipper fits,
she'll wear it.

I know 80-year-old chicks

who are actresses and so on.

They're fuckable.

I had an old aunt

who escaped from the asylum,

and they found her,
half-eaten by rats,

rodents...

Her name was Berthe.

It happened in the Berry.

It was Alzheimer's.

She got nibbled at.
They forgot all about her.

Shit, what the...

Sorry, Matthieu.

Hello, sir.

No more than two per room, please.

No more than two per room!

What do you mean, more than two?

There are three of you.

So? That's not allowed?

The limit is two per room.

Well!

- Here.
- OK.

All good. I'm good.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Goodbye.

On that note, I should go.

Gérard, delighted to meet you.

Thanks, Matthieu.
Sorry about what I said.

- No worries.
- Thanks, bye.

If you knew, you'd tell me?

Of course.

It's Freddy.

Michel, this is my girlfriend Daria.

Daria, Michel.

Shut up!

Hello.

He's...

He hasn't changed.

Nasty temper.

Did she say anything?

No...

Honestly, if I have news, I'll call you.

She didn't give any clues?

I don't know, Matthieu.

Good luck, but...

She'll be back.

Let's hope so.

Thanks, Michel.

Don't mention it.

Let me know if she calls.

Bye, miss.

Are you with your guy?

I really think you should call him back.

Excuse me, someone's knocking.

I have to go. I'll call you back.

I went to get something else.

It's organic.

I'm sure he's the one who
ordered my kidnapping.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Because he found out

I was intending to run for President.

And I had him beat.

I had him beat and it scared him.

Because he still planned
on running then.

This was before Macron.

Before Macron, remember.

When Macron arrived,

I realized I had no chance.

Finkielkraut was all for me.

Finkielkraut...

You like Finkielkraut?

He's mind-blowing
when he talks on TV.

They kidnapped you for that?

The lawyer for terrorists
practically admitted it.

Which lawyer?

The lawyer who paid my ransom.

I'm having more, excuse me.

I'll serve you.

It's not that good,
but I'm kind of an alcoholic.

Talking about all this upsets me.

- Because...
- Of course it does.

I assure you, some kids are born evil.

Evil by birth.

Evil newborns. I swear.

You could end up with the Antichrist.

The Antichrist?

The Antichrist. A child with evil grace.

The gift of spreading evil
throughout the world.

Don't get started on...

Right, I got carried away yesterday,

and I apologize, by the way.

You didn't get carried away,

because it's still on your mind.

God does as he pleases.

We have to believe
we're not forsaken.

If my thing is wrong,
my whole philosophy is worthless.

That would be a pain.

How can your thing be right?

It's cold!

Yes.
No, I wasn't talking to you.

Lie down, sir.

More, yeah.

Listen, listen...

I want 100,000.

100,000.

Otherwise, I'm not doing it.

OK?

Why is it so cold?

They said the seaweed was warm.

It's applied cold.

Hello? Yes.

Sorry, wrong number.

Who is this?
The Doctor's answering service?

I'll call you back later, Delphine. OK?

I'm in the middle of a treatment.

They give you mud. It hurts like hell.

They say it's warm,
but it's actually cold.

- Seaweed mud.
- Yes, seaweed mud.

It hydrates your skin,

remineralizes your body,

purifies,

and soothes muscle and joint pain.

I think we should take a little nap.

I haven't been sleeping

in those damn rooms.

My nose is stuffed up.

Gérard!

Got the time?

The time?

11:53.

It's been over an hour.

Are they nuts? Where are they?

They're not coming back.

Bunch of assholes!

It's noon!

Maybe nobody's left in the hotel.

There must be.

They forgot us. I don't believe it.

It's totally empty.

Maybe in here?
No, just another hallway.

Weird.

Here, a towel.

Might come in handy.

What for? We're covered in shit.

Nope, same here.

What's this?

Plumbing and stuff.

There are people over there.

Yes, people.

Looks like Dédé and Ginette.

Who are Dédé and Ginette?

Matthieu's parents.

The Ginette who ran off with a guy?

Her lover?

What are they doing here?

What's wrong?

- He's going to kill us.
- Who?

Come, I'll tell you.

Hey, Obelix!

What on earth are you doing?

What are you doing in the hall?

You were supposed to come get me.

You were fast asleep.
I didn't want to wake you.

Let's go back

and rinse you off.
You can't be...

Have you seen Mr. Depardieu?

Mr. Depardieu finished his treatment.

We go down, down, down

until we get to this giant room.

And there in the back,

who do I see, but Ginette and Dédé!

Ginette and Dédé

are friends of mine...

Because I was kidnapped.

My kidnapping was ordered
by François Hollande.

How's the temperature?

Sorry to interrupt. Is it alright?

Fine.

So Ginette tells me Dédé
is stalking her and wants to kill her.

I thought I'd never see you again.

The sad part is

I never got to tell you
how beautiful your hair is.

Thanks, Mr. Houellebecq.
That's very kind.

What time do you get off anyway?

At 5:30.

Want to grab a drink?

Afterwards.

Now, that's sweet,
but I'm going straight home.

There.

And now your bathrobe.

You have a treatment in 5 minutes.

Not a cryo?

Turn your palms toward me.

Now turn to the side.

Left leg forward.
Left hand on your right shoulder.

Great.

Now face me.

Care to protect your crotch area?

Thank you.

Contract your abs.

Everything OK?

No.

What's wrong?

It hurts my stomach.

Come in.

Come in!

Oh yeah, it's locked.

Is this a joke?

Who are you?

What the hell's going on?

I don't know,

someone knocked at my door
and ran off.

Shit! Same here.

I was taking a dump,

and, bang, he knocks.

Who the hell
stops people from shitting?

That's low!

What's with all these doors?

Open up!

Hear me, asshole?

We'll rip your head off and shit in it.

Maybe not...

Open this door!

Open up or I'll knock it down.

It wasn't her.

- It wasn't?
- No.

- Françoise!
- Michel!

What are you doing here?

You never said you went to spas.

Are you Gérard Depardieu?

Yes.

Of course. I recognized you.

What a hoot!

I'm replacing Jean-Pierre.

He's shooting in South America.

He had a 3-day reservation here,

but had to leave early for the shoot.

So he gave it to me.

Nice, right?

So did you just drop in?

I mean for the spa like me?

Just like you.

I can't get over it!

Fancy meeting you here!

Yeah, it's funny.

Do you know Jean-Pierre?

Who's Jean-Pierre?

Jean-Pierre Léaud.

By reputation, but not personally.

We co-starred in
The Mother and the Whore.

You bet we did.

Good, wasn't it?

Good, yeah.

Wasn't it, Michel?

It was a long time ago.

The film is still there.

It's still there.

Are you coming or going?

Coming.

Do you know each other?

- Did you meet here?
- Not at all.

We met here.

That's hilarious!

I can't believe it.

Come on!

Let's have a drink.

I have emails.

Really?

I'm swamped.
I have emails to write.

- Goodbye.
- Nice meeting you.

Enjoy the spa.

All this thanks to Jean-Pierre.

Let's thank him.

Jean-Pierre, if you can hear us,

thank you!

Jean-Pierre, I have emails.

The darkest year was 1976,

when Eddy Merckx dropped out.

After Bernard Thevenet beat him in 1975,

his 1976 season got off
to a very, very difficult start.

Even after his 7th victory
at the Milan-San Rémo,

he finished 8th in the Tour of Italy,

and hurt his ass on the last day.

Michel,

hemorrhoids are a cyclist's worst enemy.

They're a real nightmare.

Sitting on a bike
with two bowling balls on your ass...

It's awful, believe me.

Believe me.

Do you have hemorrhoids, Michel?

T - 1 DAY

So this deer was tied up,

and this guy butchers it alive.

He cuts off the hind leg
and gives it to someone.

I think it's common,
maybe not all over China, but...

I think it was a report

I saw on TV.

I have a hard time with that.

The guy eats dog for Chrissake!

Yeah,
but they don't all eat dog either.

I remember this one segment where...

The dog is alive, tied to a stake,

and the guy peels off his skin.

How's it going?

You good?

Fine.

Daria, Luc.

Maxime.

The allies landed here,

all along the coast.

It didn't happen here.

It was on Omaha, Utah...

There's a third.

No, it was here, Ouistreham Beach.

An extension of it. They landed here.

- Imagine 2,500 men landing here!
- More.

They were shot at from up there.

Yeah, right. That's bullshit!

They sent canon fodder.

You know those useless black guys,

the guys from the projects,
like here,

they died here.

We're standing on the blood
of our liberators.

If you need us, we're here.

Tell us what to do and...

we'll do it.

What does Michel say?

Daria thinks Michel is lying.

Why?

Daria senses things.

What does she sense?

She sees the future.

Sir?

Excuse me a minute.

Yes?

You and your colleagues seem worried.

No cause for concern,

it's just a reported celebrity sighting.

Really?

Yes. We're not really sure who.

You don't know who?

No, I heard it second-hand.

But you...

You must know something.

Apparently,

it could be Sylvester Stallone.

Well, it's good for the spa

to have Sylvester Stallone here.

- Not necessarily.
- Oh really?

Apparently he was seen naked.

- Naked?
- On the beach in Cabourg,

it's not necessarily
good publicity for us.

Plus, he didn't come to the hotel.

He didn't come to the hotel.

Gérard?

Gérard?

The Joys of Globalization

Yann?

I'll be back. I forgot something.

Gérard!

I was looking for you.

So was I.

What are you doing?

I have to...

- Is that normal?
- Sure, don't worry.

How much longer?

- 2 minutes.
- 2 more minutes?

Turn toward me.

Maybe it's too cold!

How much longer?

We've done about one minute.

- One minute?
- Yes.

Turn back this way.

There.

It burns, it stings.

Not at all.

How much longer?

50 seconds.

No way!

All done.

Open this goddamn thing.

Should I put this on you?

Hello.

Régis Cheze, spa manager.

Delighted.

I haven't had a chance to say hi.
I was on vacation.

But I'd like to have you for drinks,

to welcome you.

No, you come have a drink.

- Sure!
- In our suite, we have...

No problem, what time?

I starred in a porn in 1971.

The mafia stole the negatives

and sold them to Aristotle Onassis.

Because the old man
was in love with me.

Ever sleep with Julia?

Yes.

With Juliette...

Josiane...

Sandrine...

Isabelle... as well.

Catherine...

And with men too?

Of course, lots.

It was a different time,

in 1971 everyone slept with everyone.

A lot of Americans especially,

but they didn't want to admit it.

Well, I should get going.

Enjoy the cryo.

Yes...

I can't, but...

Every day, OK?

I'm tired of red.

I prefer Spanish now.
Ribera del Duero...

or Argentinian Malbec.

I have a bottle from '47,

a bottle from '55,

another from '69.

Those were very good years.

That's odd.

My ex-wife's number

is 06 47 55 69 69.

Double 69?

Do you still 69?

Less.

Truth is I don't much care for it...

I find it really hard
to do and to feel at the same time.

Except with penetration,
facing each other.

No, eyes open.

Eyes open, mouths open.

That's intense.

I agree.

Now it hurts even when I lie down.

I even sleep on my side because...

I have big organs.

- I had a sonogram.
- Really?

Because I wanted to know
if I had cirrhosis.

I thought it was my liver,
because I noticed...

He said no, you just have big organs.

A big stomach, big intestins...

I don't have it either.

Cirrhosis? Of course not.

Only people who drink get cirrhosis.
Naturally.

Gérard?

The waiter told me the strangest thing.

Apparently Sylvester Stallone
was spotted on the beach.

What a load of crap!

He would've called if he was here.

He does whenever he's in France.
He's a close friend, you know.

Very close.

Well, apparently some people saw him

and he was buck naked.

I know Stallone practices nudism
in Yellowstone Park,

that he loves bathing in hot springs.

But frankly I can't see him

getting naked on a French beach

with all that paparazzi trash.

It's a load of crap.

It's not possible.

- Are you calling him?
- Yes.

He'll call me back.

You didn't sense anything unusual?

Like a feeling of cold

when you heard his voicemail message...

as if he was speaking from far away?

What is this nonsense?

Are you going to start up again
with your reincarnation bullshit?

No, it's not possible.

You should get help.

Have you ever seen a shrink?

Wait here, I'll ask for the room.

What's the room number again?
I forgot.

009.

Michel?

Let the boss handle this.

What are you doing?

It's...

It usually works.

You went on and on

about a Chinese dude who gave you
a miracle lock pick.

You talked to a Chinese guy?

Yeah.

Why?

No reason.

Anyway, let's...

I'm surprised you read Alain Minc.

It's crap. A gift from my agent
Bertrand de Labbey.

Really? My agent never gets me gifts.

They're all crooks.

Especially yours, Michel.

Samuelson is the scum of the earth.

He's sure happy to have you.

Fuck, these things aren't comfortable.

These goddamn chairs...

I don't fit in them like you.

We might as well be in Vitry.

The guy who made these!
They're total junk!

You wouldn't even know
it's on the ocean.

With that empty lot...

- With the fence.
- I keep sliding off!

Plus, I can't even breathe.

An asshole made these.
They're morons.

And they call this a relaxation area...

Everything is ugly.

See, I should've run in the elections.

I didn't think Macron
would screw it up so fast.

My mind was made up
until a friend told me

I would get assassinated
by the Secret Service like Coluche.

I think I could do better.

Politicians are full of shit.
I'd hate to be in their pants.

Assholes.

They all have the same credentials,
the same face. It's a henhouse.

They're all Sussexes.

- You mean Sussex hens?
- The black ones with yellow spots.

Nothing's dumber than a hen.

But I like them.

I run over a lot.
Chickens are a menace crossing the road.

They throw themselves
under your wheels.

Like politicians.

I like being ordered around by a woman.

Hi, Matthieu.

Sorry to bother you.

Michel, we have to talk.

If Michel doesn't want to talk,
nobody can make him.

Michel, I'll ask you one last time,

I beg you to tell me
where my mother is.

Daria knows you're lying.

She read it in the cards.

Right, honey?

The cards, on the other hand, don't lie.

Excuse me.

Are you Mr. Houellebecq?

Yes.

And you must be Mr. Depardieu?

Yes.

Well, gentlemen,

I wanted to tell you
you're a disgrace to France.

A disgrace to France.

An utter disgrace.

I forgot what I was going to say.

Where my mom is.

No, I can't do that. I swore.

Do you want to fight?

I'll kick your asses.

But you don't have your magic potion.

And there's three of us.

Let me speak.

I can't keep my word, Ginette.

Yes, Matthieu is here.
So are the others.

And Gérard Depardieu, too.

Yes, the one and only.
He's sitting next to me.

No, he's very nice.

Look, Ginette...

You have to come home now.

Yes.

OK. I'll put Matthieu on.

Hello?

Hi, Mom?

Where are you?

With who?

No, you can't!

We're in Cabourg.

Hello?

Hi, Mom? Hello?

She hung up.

What did she say?

She's on her way.

What?

With her boyfriend.

What a mess.

Right, Michel?

Hi, Dad?

At the seawater spa. In Cabourg.

I'll talk her into coming home.

I swear I'll bring her home.

Hi, Dad? Hello?

He hung up.

What did he say? That he was coming?

Sorry, but are there separate beds?

No, I only have doubles.
No twin beds left.

Can't you put in two doubles?

No, unfortunately it's just one bed.

So we have no choice?

You can use the spa areas,
there's breakfast...

We can't have two beds?

No, nothing else is available.
All I have left is one big bed.

Could we add a child's cot?

No, that's out of the question.

The room's capacity is set up that way.

- If they gave you a child's bed...
- No way!

Or even an adult bed,
we could've just used the mattress.

Hi, Matthieu.

Is this a bad time?

No, please, come in.

Hello.

Well, let's see...

Yesterday we were talking about
how the future can sometimes be read

implicitly in the present.

And...

You mentioned your girlfriend
could see things

in tarot cards.

I've never seen a psychic, but...

I'm kind of at a crossroads.

And I'd like to try and see

what I'm supposed to do.

Could you do that for Michel?

I'm planning on running
in the next presidential elections.

So I asked my friend Brice Teinturier
to conduct a secret poll.

And I come out on top
during the first round,

but lose in the second.

Unless I form an alliance,

but I don't know who with.

So I'd like to ask the cards
which person

I should ally myself with.

The cards can't tell you
exactly who the person is.

No, but a hint.
Whether it's a man or woman maybe,

just to see if something emerges,
some kind of portrait.

There are no exact answers.
This isn't fortune telling.

It's more about the situation,
what's happening with you

in relation to other people.

Now select three cards.

Now turn them over.

What does it mean?

So that's the Devil.

Normally it's the card that represents

your situation.

Maybe you haven't quite figured out

exactly what you want to do.

I want institutional reform.

- It's quite specific.
- Right.

But it would actually weaken my power,

the power of the Presidency.

It goes far beyond
the Citizen's Intitative Referendum.

In terms of direct democracy,
it's very bold.

I can see that.

Oh, it will definitely change things...

Look,
the card that comes next is Judgement.

Judicial elections
are part of my platform actually.

Judicial elections.
I'd make it an elected office.

I'll spare you the details, but....

Right...

That means
a great transformation is coming.

We'll have to rewrite the Constitution,
that's for sure.

And this transformation
will be positive.

Yes, that's why...

I'm running, yes.

- Because...
- Could this be my Prime Minister?

In theory?

Of course.

I can't tell who it is.

Could we take a picture later?

So I can compare it
with the photos of real politicians?

- Apparently it's a man.
- So it seems.

That comes as a relief actually.

Does it make sense to you?

Yes, it's...

I wasn't expecting it to be
so specific actually.

What's he want?

He said he'd be here tomorrow morning.

So you see someone dying
when Dédé gets here?

It's not that anyone dies.

It's just that death is lurking here,

and there will be changes.

Can't we reverse it?
Work things out, like in a resurrection?

After death
there's always a resurrection.

No, not always.

It hasn't come to that.

It hasn't come to that.
We can still avoid...

If there's no death,
there's no need for resurrection.

Then he better not come.

To me resurrection
is someone who dies

and returns like Jesus
back in the day,

and it doesn't exist in my book.

That's because...
I love Jews, but...

No amount of explaining convinces them.

It's simple, Jesus comes back

after...

He's the Messiah!

Jews have a Messiah too.

Yeah, except...

You're still waiting.

So are you.

- That's what you said.
- No, we're awaiting the Second Coming.

He says, "Why have you forsaken me?"

Yes, but that was on Friday.

By Monday it's resolved.

So it was a phony death.

There was this first resurrection,

if he came back to life,
why did he die again?

He didn't die again.

He finished his mission,
so they sent him the Holy Ghost.

So did Ginette really say
she was coming with this man?

Yes, and she sounded pleased.

Let's assume the worst:

they all arrive at once.

Oh boy.

Gérard intercepts Dédé...

I'll handle Ginette.
She trusts me.

Michel, you take Ginette and her guy...

No, you handle Ginette.
You talk to her and...

He'll be offended.

Not at all!

Ginette won't let you
walk off with her Chinese dude.

He's not Chinese.
Since when is he Chinese?

Michel leaves with Ginette.
Gérard leaves with Dédé.

Michel, meanwhile...

I search the car for a gun.

Yeah, perfect.

- Can you ask your dozer?
- Dowser, Luc.

Is what Michel said:

that Michel and Ginette,
and Dédé and myself,

could help bring about
a peaceful conclusion

to the situation?

Hard to say.

It says no.

No.

Is someone at this table
interfering with the request?

Yes. See?

Could it be Luc?

It's not Luc.

Is it Matthieu?

No.

- You're the dozer so we skip you.
- Dowser.

Is it Michel who...

Is it Michel?

No.

Is it Gérard?

No.

Is it Maxime?

It's him! Maxime's messing it up.

I doubt it, but that said...

That said, better not be here tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm not here.

I'm already not here.

What do you mean?

Spell it out, I'm lost.

Because...

I never told you.

Right, well...

It's not an easy thing to say.

But...

I had a little problem.

My heart stopped for about 30 minutes.

The experts say that, normally...

you don't come back from 30 minutes.

It happened a few years ago.

You never told us?

Know what?
I didn't even tell my own father.

I said nothing.

Did your heart really stop?

Yes, it stopped 30 minutes.

- You're a transplantee?
- Yes.

- Your heart?
- Someone else's.

You mean you don't have your heart?

Why am I telling you all this?

But 30 minutes
with no blood flow to your brain...

I was breathing through
a tiny little straw.

At some point you think,
this is my last breath.

It becomes a battle with death,
because death is there.

Death...

Pass the ashtray, Luc.

Leave it in the middle.

- I'm boring you.
- No, it's interesting.

Why didn't you say anything?

Why are you yelling?

I'm pissed you didn't tell me.

That I'm finding out now,

in front of everyone.

Luc...

The problem is he didn't...

You didn't accept death.

- Good point.
- You fought it.

That's the problem.

Luc, as a Jew,

could you say a prayer?

Yeah.

To honor this miraculous surgery
which was performed

on Maxime.

I can say a prayer in Hebrew.

Could you include
Ginette and Dédé in your prayer?

I can include whoever I like.

Stallone naked on the beach in Cabourg!

Naked, too!

It's bullshit.
It's obviously nonsense.

Total crap.

He has better things to do
than come to Cabourg!

All of us probably do.

Michel, all he does is...

I have to push him
into the cryotherapy thing.

He's like a little lost sparrow.

He's always complaining.

I wonder...

Some people said we were
a disgrace to France.

Hello? A disgrace to France!

Hi, Michel.
Where are you going?

To smoke on the beach.

How about you?

Bertrand de Labbey just called.

He's sending me a director

who has a phenomenal project.

A director?

Yes, a filmmaker.

He says he has a terrific idea.
Anyway, I'm off.

- See you later.
- Yes.

So your father's a surgeon?

I have no father.

I have a father of course,
because I come from a squirt,

but I have no firsthand
knowledge of him.

But I was always told
my father was an American.

And one day, when I was 17 or 18,

I went to the United States.

In New York, I searched for my father.

I got to his house and rang the bell.

Oddly, I saw a silhouette
pass by the window.

I said: "I see you. Open the door."

When he opened the door,

he says, "come inside and we'll see,"

and he shows me in.

I go in and see a woman.

And then I see another woman
coming out of a bathroom

walking up and down the hall
between a bedroom and a bath.

He says,
"So you say you're my son?"

After a while he says,
"Oh, I remember now."

"She was a good lay."

Just like that.

So basically
he had me sleep there for 6 months.

And one night I ended up
with one of the two women.

- I swear it's true.
- No, I hear you.

I go in the room

and say, "Oops, wrong room!"

"Sorry, do you sleep here?"

She says, "Well yeah."

"But so do I."

"Well, yeah."

So...

So my father gets me to sleep
with this woman.

I stayed 6 months with this guy
who it turns out wasn't my father.

- He wasn't your father?
- No.

I found out because
I saw my mother when I got back.

She said, "That wasn't your father."

I asked my aunt...

Let me finish.
I'll lose my train of thought.

I asked my aunt, her sister,

"Who was this guy I lived with?"

"He's not your father,
just a schmuck your mother screwed!"

The guy is a heart surgeon.
That's the idea.

But the son spends his life

on his little motorcycle

doing laps around
his father's apartment.

Always going...

- Counterclockwise.
- Right.

Counterclockwise.

What is that?

I found it at Dédé and Ginette's
in a bullet casing.

In the kitchen. Read it.
2 days it's been bothering me.

It's full of spelling mistakes.

THE REFERANCE TO THE TRUTH
IS MORE IMPORTENT THAN THE TRUTH.

- Did you write it?
- I told you, I found it.

It's obviously someone
who never went to school.

It could be Ginette or Dédé,
or a message from...

The guy's illiterate.

From anyone. I keep thinking about it.
It disturbs me.

What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything.

"The reference to the truth..."

You refer to the truth.

But first what is the truth?

"It's more important than the truth."

But without knowing what the truth is
how can you...?

So it disturbs you too?

Well, I don't even understand the...

It's full of mistakes.

I thought the same thing.

But you can't even spell.

There, it's obvious.

It's meaningless.
Not to be a dick, but...

What's the opposite of the truth?

Lies?

So when you refer to the truth,
could you be referring to a lie?

So the reference to the lie
is more important than the lie?

- That makes no sense either.
- Yes, it does.

It's someone who's heartbroken.

Or just someone who talks nonsense.

That's all.

Why'd he put it in a casing
for us to find?

Are you sure
Ginette isn't leaving Dédé a message

saying
"You lied to me, now pay the price"?

"The reference to the truth..."

What does that change?

It means I caught you,

and I put it in a bullet,
so you took a bullet.

It was in a casing, which is what?
A slug.

I send a message in a bullet
and put it through your heart,

if you understand the message,
you're dead.

But the message is the bullet,
not the note.

THE FINAL DAY

I'm not sure, it's strange.
It was him...

but at the same time not.

His earthly body was already...

It was both similar and different.

But the oddest part was his face,
because he had this...

His eyes. They were very strange.

I didn't mention it yesterday

because of that guy's transplant story,

but I spoke to the Grim Reaper.

In Death Valley,

in 120-degree weather,

a deformed young woman,

her face messed up,
was standing on a tennis court.

And she asked me if I wanted to die.

- And?
- I refused.

Odd Sylvester hasn't called me back.

I'm starting to think
he's really in trouble.

I don't think so...

I saw him.

What worries me
is Ginette and Dédé showing up.

With the other three,
things could go south.

They seem like nice guys.

I can hardly believe
they kidnapped you.

Oh, they sure did.

Take Matthieu for example.

He's calm, but he can be dangerous.

I saw his kickboxing videos.

He breaks bones,
tibias, ankles, wrists...

Where's that fucking hotel in Cabourg?

Where's that fucking hotel in Cabourg?

I'm not handicapped.

Now that I know you had a transplant...

You breathe different.

As though you had a double breath.

That's possible
because there are always leaky valves.

The blood spurts

and it makes a murmur.

A double murmur?

No, a little heart murmur...

A little heart murmur...

And it can be...

But saying I have two murmurs,

two breaths in one,

that's ludicrous.

- Look at me, please.
- Yeah.

The dozer predicted a death.

- OK?
- The dowser.

It still predicted death.

OK, nobody's safe.

- Maybe the dozer's right.
- The dowser.

Here you are.

Well, well.

Here you are.

Why is mine so small?
He's got a big one.

Let's trade then.

Yes, thank you.

Already they starve us.

Bunch of jerks.

- Enjoy.
- Any olive oil?

It's not in your plan.

- Hello?
- Bon appetit.

Have you eaten?

No, my stomach is...

Are you all right?

From the way
you're tearing up your bread,

I'd say something's bothering you.

You get a reading from bread?

No, but I can see he's very anxious.

I think he wants to say something.

It's simple...

I don't necessarily think
it's a good idea

to do all this in the hotel.

To settle your business
inside the hotel.

It would be better to do it
in the parking lot for example.

We talked it over with Gérard...

We'd rather stay out of this.

I don't mind meeting Ginette.

Drinks, anyone?

A bottle of wine?

A red?

I can't serve you alcohol here.

What do you mean?

Because only the manager has the key.

Go ask your manager
if we can have a bottle of wine.

- No problem, right away.
- Thank you.

Matthieu? Your mother.

It's destiny.

I took a walk on the beach

and I got lost.

Where are you coming from?

Seine-et-Marne.

It took us 3 hours to get here.

Not much traffic.

And I love Putin too, Gérard.

Well, so do I.

We were actually introduced
by Hollande whom I don't like.

But Putin I love.

I don't like Hollande much either.

He had me kidnapped.
You know that but...

- You already told us twice.
- Sorry.

You need to see a doctor
to try to work past this.

I think he wanted me dead.

The idea was I'd try to escape,

and get killed in the process.

He was afraid I'd run against him,

and he was right.
I would've beat him easily.

If you're elected,

who will you choose
as Prime Minister?

So what's the story with
Dad and your boyfriend?

It just happened. I met Franck.

It doesn't make sense.

It does to me.
I still have a few good years left.

You're 80 years old, Mom.

So?

Seniors can still lead good lives.

Couldn't you finish yours with Dad?

No, because I found my freedom.

And it makes me happy.

Franck is also very nice.

- Younger.
- By how much?

40 years.

He's 40?

40 years less than me.

So he's younger than me.

- Same age.
- Right, that's better.

The problem is
Dédé arrives this afternoon.

That's why I kept insisting you come.

Why did you leave him?

At my age, you fall into a routine,
and you want to shake things up.

I can understand that.

Well, I can't.

Mom, at 80, the routine...

It's nothing new. So why now?

Exactly, that's why she left.

But why now?

I'm a grown woman.

I do what I want.

And up yours.

Ginette,
I found a message in a casing.

What did it say?

It said: "The truth..."

Wait, let me get this right.
I showed it to you.

Excuse me, sir.

Hello.

Have you seen a white lady?

About 80 years old?

An attractive white lady.

He's my guardian angel...

But that's separate from the body.

The body is just a vessel

we use to exist in this world...

- Russian amber?
- Exactly.

Belarus has nice ones too.

Ginette is here.

Where were you?

On the beach.
I looked all over for you.

I met this gentleman in the restroom
and he brought me to you.

Franck, my boyfriend.

My son.

Hello.

Hello.

This is the gentleman I live with.

Go on in. Let's sit.

What are those suitcases for?

It's a local artist
who makes suitcase installations.

It's supposed to be artsy.

It's contemporary art...
An installation.

- The room costs more.
- You're joking.

No, it's not a joke.

Is he a well-known artist?

I don't know.

But there's stuff inside.

How do you know that?

I was waiting for you, so I opened one.

There was a power drill
and some tubes in that one.

There are 24 of them.

Like the 24 statues
of the Kiev Caves.

What?

Like what?

The 24 statues in the Kiev Caves.

There are more, actually.

Egyptian mummies were found there too.

In Kiev?

- Mummies in Kiev?
- What for?

We only know there are 24,

not where they're from.

Just like the 24 suitcases.

For the suitcases,
we know an artist put them here.

There were Ukranians in Egypt?

Not me.

We all come from Egypt.

We don't all come from Egypt.

The Jews were there though.

They were slaves there for 400 years.
But originally,

the Jews were nomads,
the Bedouins of the period.

I wasn't talking about peoples.

I was talking about reincarnation.

OK.

No more fucking around!

They'll all get their turn.

Take from my heart
all my gardens of youth

All the remaining tenderness
from my veins

Now that my life
To its languor does consent

I fear, oh memory,

your gentle offense

Anna de Noailles.

The tragedy of aging

is that you stay young.

I saw him at Mr. Depardieu's table.

This is Mr. Depardieu's room.

Hey, it's Dédé.
Matthieu, your father.

Who's the other guy?

Shit, he's armed.

Guillaume Nicloux and les Films du Worso
wish to thank Régis Chèze

and the staff of the Centre Thalazur
for their hospitality and kindness.

This work, including all situations
and statements made,

is purely fictional.

Subtitles: David H. Pickering, a.s.i.f.

Subtitling: Média Solution