All language subtitles for Fishnovie

(ambient music)

(burlesque music)

(crowd applauding)
(whistling)

♫ Was minding my own business ♫

♫ on one Sunday afternoon ♫

♫ Saw a face, had an angel's grace ♫

♫ Thought he was worth my swoon ♫

♫ Didn't know what hit me ♫

♫ No I didn't know what bit me ♫

♫ Must have been the love bug ♫

♫ It's the bug, or one of cupid's arrows ♫

♫ I've got the fever,
fever, fever in my head ♫

♫ Fever, fever, fever in my bed ♫

♫ Oh ♫

♫ Would you like to
spend some time with me ♫

♫ Like to get to know you ♫

♫ I have got a lot of things
that I would like to show you ♫

♫ We could waste away the hours ♫

♫ You could buy me flowers ♫

♫ I like roses, pretty
roses, pretty roses ♫

♫ I've got the fever, fever,
fever in the morning ♫

♫ Fever, fever, fever when it's stormin' ♫

♫ Oh ♫

♫ Why can't I just convince you ♫

♫ that you need to stick around ♫

♫ Let the time pick us up
and lift us off the ground ♫

♫ We could fly to outer spaces,
to many different places ♫

♫ Don't you want to love me? ♫

(burlesque music)

♫ Ooh, I've got the fever,
fever, fever can't you see ♫

♫ Fever, fever, fever won't you set me ♫

♫ Free ♫

(audience applauding)

- Give it up for the ladies!

(audience applauding and cheering)

Don't forget to tip your bartender,

and while you're at it, send
a little Jeanette's way.

(laughs) Good night folks!

(crowd applauding and cheering)

- Fabulous job, ladies.

- [Girls] Thanks, lady Jeanette.

- Don't forget to see
me about your paychecks.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Olga, honey.

Lay off the borscht.

You were jiggling more than
a Sumo covention tonight.

- She has it out for her, I swear.

- She's always right.

Yes, we're talking about you.

- Eat a bag of shit, carpet licker.

- Stupid Russian bitch.

Hey baby, I'm hungry.

- Mm, I'll bet you are.

Unfortunately, I can't eat tonight,

I've got an audition tomorrow morning,

and you know what that means.

- Yeah, another shot at
the bulimia national title?

- If I get the job, I'll take
you out to dinner tomorrow.

- Okay.
- [Lady Jeanette] Fuck you and

your little dick, you're
not getting any money.

- [Voiceover] Hey, I told you I was

gonna get money, and you know it.

- What is that?
- [Jeanette] You told me

bullshit, I never agreed,
- I don't know,

probably one of her
infamous love triangles.

- [Voiceover] Listen to me.

- For someone our age,
she is really freaky.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- Anyways, I gotta use the bathroom.

Get our checks for us?

- [Voiceover] You know
you're saying something

you shouldn't be saying, because I'm gonna

take care of you and close
this whole fucking place down.

- Are you really?
- Yeah!

- Where would you go on a Friday night,

'cause your wife sure doesn't want you.

- I need this place like
I need a fucking hole.

- [Jeanette] Then why are you always here?

- [Man] Well, because, because,

I said I would promote
your girls all over town

for 20% of the door.

Your place was packed,
but I didn't get paid.

So where's my money?

- Up your ass, I never
agreed to that shit.

- Hey, watch your mouth.

You know what happens to old
ladies with dirty mouths.

- Well my mouth's been dirty ever since

I gave you that blowjob last week.

- Bullshit, bullshit!

Am I speaking English or do
I need to translate for you?

- Oh, please put that away.

I've seen bigger and prettier in my day.

- Put the gun down, asshole!

- Trixie, get out of here!

This is just his way of negotiating.

He's flashing his gun around because

his other parts just aren't
big enough for me to notice.

- Oh, you couldn't feel a horse.

- Bite me.

- Just put the gun down.

- You better be going, young lady.

(gun fires)
(man shouts)

(groans)

- Oh my god.

(up-tempo music)

Trixie, let's go, come on, come on, shit!

- Hey!

- Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god, oh my god!

(accordion music)

- I can't believe this is happening.

Didn't you learn anything
from Phil Spector?

- I'm sorry, baby, it
was a total accident.

I thought it was a prop gun.

- A prop gun?

I've been in the show for years

and I've never seen a gun in it.

What are you doing pointing
a gun at a mobster anyways?

- I don't know, okay!

I had a moment of heroism.

I didn't want to see
Lady Jeanette get hurt.

- Why don't we leave the heroics
for Wonder Woman and Xena.

I'm sure that Lady Jeanette
can take care of her own.

- What is this for?

- [Sulie] Pack.

- For what?

- I haven't gone that far,
but I've seen enough movies

with guns, gangsters, and show biz girls

to know they don't mix.

- Do you really think that
they're going to come after us?

- You shot a member of the mob.

They probably already put
a bounty on your head.

- Well what are we supposed to do?

- You got us into this mess,
you have any great ideas?

Hm?

- Go to New York, I've always
wanted to go to New York.

Come on, we can whisk ourselves down

Broadway, through Times Square.

- We can't afford New York, Eva Gabor.

- We can get jobs.

- I'm hoping we won't have to be anywhere

long enough to get jobs.

Here.

- What is this?

I'm not gonna need this.

- Think again.

- Why?

- Remember how I told
you all those stories

about growing up outside of El Paso?

- Yes.

- I think my parents are open to a visit.

(ambient music)
- Hello, ladies,

I'm officer Dick.

(snickering)

Hey now, this is official police business.

Now, I need to know if either
of you have any information

regarding who shot Lady Jeanette?

- I do.

- (laughs) You weren't even there.

- Don't listen to this
whore, I saw everything.

Was Trixie did it.

- [Sulie] We're almost there.

- [Trixie] You're right, this
is the middle of nowhere.

The last Starbucks was 50 miles ago.

(coughing)
(upbeat music)

What's wrong with the air out here?

- [Sulie] It's called fresh air,

Trix, it's good for you.

You'll get used to it.

- [Trixie] Ugh, I hope so.

I almost coughed up a lung.

- [Sulie] Now, my parents
aren't as open-minded

as yours, so just
remember the story, right?

- [Trixie] Yes, yes, we're roommates.

(upbeat music)

- Mom!

- Oh my stars, Susan-Lee,
what are you doing here?

After hearing all those wonderful
stories about California,

I thought you'd never come home to visit.

I missed you, sugarplum.

- I missed you too, Mom.

- And who's your friend?

- This is my roommate Trixie.

- Hi Trixie, nice to meet you Trixie.

That's an interesting name.

What kind of name is that?

- Um, well, Trixie's
actually just my stage name.

My real name's Patricia, so, you know.

- Oh, your stage name.

You Californians sure are crazy.

In these parts we'd
probably call you Tricia.

Mind if I call you Tricia?

- Well,
- I think she'd probably

prefer Trixie.

- Oh all right, Trixie.

Now where are those boys
to help grab your bags?

George? Junior?

Susan Lee is here!

Those boys are always up to no good.

You probably haven't had a real
home cooked meal in a while.

I'll have to make you one tonight.

Men like to marry hearty
lookin' women (laughs)

Now your father's turned your
bedroom into his huntin' room.

Do you all have problems
sharing the couch?

- No, I'm fine with that.

(instrumental music)

- So, how long you girls in town for?

- About a week.

- Our apartment is being fumigated, so.

- Fumigated?

You're not living in a slum, are you?

- No mom, it's okay.

- I heard there are a lot of
no-good landlords out there

that try to take advantage
of young girls like you.

- So Trixie, what do you do for work?

- I dance in the same show as Sulie.

- Did you bring any of
your costumes with you?

- Junior, let Trixie
finish telling her story.

- Well it's funny you
should even say anything,

- I remember when she was a little girl,

I used to take her to ballet class.

- Oh god, block your ears.

- When she was little she
used to wear her little

tutu everywhere, she even
wore it in the bathtub once,

I got pictures.

- [Trixie] Aww!
(all laughing)

- Thanks mom.

- You know, Junior, boys are going

down to the crick tonight,
you ought to go with 'em.

- I have to help mom with the bake sale.

- You need to get outside
and get some fresh air.

A boy belongs outside gettin' fresh air,

not in the damn kitchen.

- George, those boys
are nothin' but trouble.

All they do is shoot at
racoons and set off fireworks.

- Yeah, boys'll be boys, same stuff

I used to do when I was a kid.

It's good for him.

- I think Junior needs
better influences around him

than that group you want
him to hang out with.

- Nothing wrong with them boys.

- They're a newspaper
headline waiting to happen.

- Mom, Dad.

- I'm so sorry, where are my manners?

I'm sure you girls have
lots of stories to tell.

Trixie, why is there so
little on your plate?

I made plenty of food to go around,

there's no sense in rationing.

- No, it's okay, I'm on a diet.

- Mhmm, she only eats organic food.

- (laughs)

Hey, you watch your mouth around Junior.

- I said organic, it's when food is,

- (laughing)

- Nevermind.

- There's nothing wrong with my food.

My mother gave me these recipes,

she lived to be 86.

- Thank the lord it wasn't any longer.

- You shouldn't expect to
live much longer than that.

- She was diabetic the last 30.

- She still lived a long life.

Trixie, is there anything
special you'd like

while you're staying with us?

- Kettle One?

- [Father] What the hell is that?

- It's a vodka.

I saw it on The Hills.

- I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

- You have had a rough day.

Roll over.
(crickets chirping)

- Mm.

(moaning)

That feels so good.

- You know, I should check my voicemail.

(upbeat music)

(phone rings)

- Phone's ringing.

- Really?

You think I'm fuckin' deaf?

Answer it, dip wad!

- Hello?

- [Voiceover] Hello? Who's this?

- Repairman.

- [Voiceover] I didn't order a repairman.

- Is this the bitch that shot my partner?

- Oh my god.

- What?

- They're in,

they're in our apartment.

- Who?

- The guy you shot, or the
guy who chased after us,

I don't know, it doesn't really matter,

because it's not good.

- Oh damn.

- [Sulie] What?

- I should have been a better aim.

- That is so not funny.

- You think they'll be back?

- Of course they'll be
back, they're just checking

to see if it's safe to return.

- Should we wait here?

- No, let's try to find them, catch them

off guard when they least expect it.

- Hey boss, look at this.

- Yeah, what?
- Nice rack, right?

- Let me see that.

- This girl's in the show with Trixie.

- Looks like it's time for
us to show Russia some love.

Huh? What do you say?

(both laughing)

(upbeat country music)

- We need to call the police.

- Like that would work.

Trixie, you shot someone.

The cops are probably after you.

- I have to get out of here.

Your June Cleaver mom is
seriously freaking me out.

- Try living with her.

At least now you see why I got out.

God, after 20 years of her nagging,

I'm surprised I didn't shoot someone.

- Hey girls, can I get you another round?

- Yes.

Do you have any low carb beer?

- (laughs) Low carb beer?

Whereabouts you girls from?

- LA.

- Well I don't know what
those celebrities drink

out there in Hollywood, but
around here we drink real beer.

- I'm actually from right down the street.

- [Server] Oh really?

What's your name, darling?

- Sulie.

My folks call me Susan Lee.

- Oh yeah, you're George and Helen's girl.

My older sister used to babysit you.

My, how time flies.

My name's Annie.

I own this place and I live upstairs too.

I'll get you your beers.

- Small town America.

Mhmm.

- Actually, this is probably
the worst place to hide out.

Everyone knows everyone's business.

- (sighs) Just like Cheers,
everyone knows your name.

- You still into Kirstie Alley?

- Um, it's Crystal Bernard,
and she was on Wings.

- Ah, you do have the worst taste.

- Whatever, I'm with you, aren't I?

- Here you go, girls.

You know, I was just talking
with Earl over there,

and he said this is the
first time we've had

girls in here in over a year.

- Really?

- Yup, usually it's
just some local farmers,

truckers, and little old me.

- Sounds rough.

- Nah, I got a punching bag
in the back for practice,

and a rifle under the bar for game time.

I think I'm covered.

- Sounds like it.

- Say, if you girls are
in town for a while,

don't be a stranger.

I could use some intelligent conversation.

- Mmm.

- Oh my god, I love this song.

- [Trixie] This song?

- Yeah, I used to dance
around in my room to it.

- Yeah?

In your underwear?

Would be hot.

- Oh, aren't you a little frisky tonight.

- I didn't know you liked country music.

- Come on, I grew up out here.

There's nothing on the radio but country,

and Reverend Johnson's
holy hour, and you can't

dance to that unless you've got
serpents and the holy ghost.

Come on.

- No.

- Feel the spirit.

- No way.

- Don't be shy, you're a dancer.

- [Trixie] Ah, not to this music.

- It'll be fun.

- [Trixie] In front of all these hicks?

- It'll be the most exciting
thing they see in their lives.

Come on, give 'em a cheap thrill.

(upbeat country music)

(whistling)

- Shit,

shit, shit.

- Woo! Come on girls, woo!

(upbeat country music)

(whistling)

- Hey Chuck, are you seein' this?

- Oh god, this has been my dream night.

(laughing)

- Woo, you girls were great!

- Well, thank you.

- Wait, wait, don't tell me.

You're professional dancers out in LA.

- Something like that.

- We do burlesque shows
at martini lounges.

It's the hottest thing going on.

- My my, how fancy.

I always wanted to do something
classy like that here.

The only entertainment we have is guessing

how old the pickled eggs are,

or listening to Earl burp the alphabet.

Say, how long you girls in town for?

- Hopefully not long.

- What my friend meant to say
was we're not really sure.

- Well, you're always welcome
to come back here and dance.

You probably could even make some tips.

- That's mighty kind of you.

- This might be the
whisky talkin' but maybe

you could even do one of
them shows you do in LA.

- For who, those two
lard-asses over there?

(laughs)

- No seriously, I'll put
some tableclothes down,

we'll put some candles out, add
a little class to this dump.

- And where do we get the dancers?

- I'll talk to some of the
girls at the beauty salon

when I go into town next week.

I'm sure some of them would just be

dying to do something like this.

- There's a salon.

- Come on, what do you say?

If it doesn't work out, so be it.

Want to do poor old Annie a favor?

- Sure.

- But just one show.

- I wouldn't say Trixie
is cold-blooded killer,

but I wouldn't put past
her to shoot Lady Jeanette.

- Why would you say that?

- I remember when she
first joined this troupe.

I am the lead, and she tried to

take right out from under me.

Cold and heartless bitch.

She has ego size of red square.

Maybe she think whore of babushka

tried to get in her way.

(coughs) Pardon me, can I have water?

- Sure.

(instrumental music)

- Spasiba.

Oh, I am such klutz.

Do you have tissue I can wipe?

- Sure.

- Oh no, now both my hands are full.

Can you wipe for me?

- I can take the water if you want.

- No, I don't mind.

Unless you are not comfortable with me.

- So,

do you have an idea where
she might be hiding?

- You're not getting all of it.

You need to reach inside.

Deep inside.

Did I tell you I like
your name, Officer Dick?

- Okay, we need to get back on track now.

(clears throat) Do you
remember the question?

- I never was friends with her,

so I don't know where she will go.

But, girl is total rozovaya.

I didn't want her to try to convert me.

- Roza- what-a?

- You know, like, singer-songwriter.

P.E. teacher, lady softball player.

- Yeah, I'm still not following you.

- Ah, what is word?

I remember, lesbian.

- Hey, wait.

My sister's a softball player.

- [Voiceover] I see you're
eatin' a little bit more Trixie,

I knew it'd grow on you.

- (laughs) Well, couldn't
starve myself forever.

But I am starting to really like it.

- Well aren't you sweet.

You know you're welcome here
to visit any time you want.

With or without Susan Lee.

Oh, thanks. (laughs)

- Quite an honor.

None of my high school boyfriends
ever got that invitation.

- Maybe that's 'cause dad always

met 'em at the door with a shotgun.

- Well, there's rattlesnakes
out in the yard.

I was protecting 'em.

So when you gals reckon
you'll be back in these parts?

- Well, it seems like you may actually

get to enjoy our company
a little while longer.

- What do you mean?

Is everything okay back in California?

- Yeah, everything's okay,
I just got off the phone

with the landlord and he said
the bug infestation problem

was bigger than he thought,
and it's just gonna take

longer, and we can't go back
until they're sure it's gone.

- How long's that gonna take?

- A few weeks, maybe a month.

- Hopefully sooner.

- I hope y'all aren't
being taken advantage of.

- Well, if you're gonna be here that long,

you girls better look for jobs.

- Already taken care of.

- [Mom] Really?

- Sulie and I got a job
working down at the Lassoe.

- Annie's bar?

- [Mom] A bar?

- Yeah, the one right off the interstate.

- Well that's no place for
two young girls to work.

There's nothing there but drunk truckers.

- Relax, mom, we're gonna
help her class it up.

- I can just see it now.

Sequin curtains, candles.

Do you need any help with the design?

- Junior,

- Oh hush.

(upbeat music)

- You can almost hear
the crickets chirping.

- I'm sorry, baby.

I really thought there'd
be some sort of turnout.

You saw how excited Annie was.

- [Voiceover] Hello?

- Hi.

- Are you holding auditions here?

- Barely.

- Yeah, come on in.

- So what do I do?

- [Trixie] Go home.

- What?

- She's just a little cranky today.

- Crimson tide.

- So what's your name, darling?

- Mary Lou.

- Mary Lou, I'm Sulie.
- Trixie.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Same here, so what made
you come down here today?

- The voices in her head, perhaps?

- Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.

My husband would kill me
if he knew I was here.

- Why's that?

- He's just protective.

And besides, with how active
we are in the church and all.

- Well then what are you doing here?

- I've always wanted to dance,

ever since I was a little girl.

With my name up in lights.

So here I am giving my big dream a shot.

- Well, give it your best shot.

- I didn't even know what burlesque was,

but Annie gave me some books,
and I think I'm prepared.

♫ If you would have told me♫

♫ You were really hurt ♫

♫ I promise I would have swallowed♫

♫Every single word like a poison wine♫

♫That drips inside♫

♫But you just slithered,
in and out of my life♫

♫Like a snake in a garden♫

♫Chilled by the night, moving slow♫

♫Cold and untouched♫

♫We drank the last glass of love♫

- Great job.

What'd you think Trixie?

- That's the best we've seen all day.

- Aw, thanks.

- So, rehearsals are Saturday afternoons.

Is that okay with you?

- What?

- Yeah, that's fine.

I'll work something out with Brett.

- Are we taking her?

- Yeah.

- Were we watching the same audition?

- Excuse me, is there a problem?

- I'm sorry, could you
excuse us for just a second?

Why are you being such a bitch today?

- Hmm, I don't know.

Maybe it's because I'm stuck in hick town

trying to put together a burlesque troupe

with the woman Christian
soldiers of America.

- I want to get back to our normal life

just as much as you do, but
until we know we can go back,

we have to make some
money and kill some time,

and what better way to do both than this?

- Oh, I can just see the disaster now.

- Cool it, Trix, give the girl a chance.

She may be the best we see all day.

- Unfortunately you have a point.

Okay, fine.

- All right.

And if you're a good girl,
I'll invite my mom to the show.

- Oh my god, she would just die.

(both laughing)

Mary, honey, you're in.

- Oh my stars, this is so exciting!

Oh my god, thank you!

You are not gonna regret this.

(horn honks)

Oh gosh, there's Brett, I gotta run.

- Don't forget, rehearsal
is this Saturday.

- I won't.

- I hope I'm in the right place.

Is this where the auditions are?

- You got it.

- Well what was she auditioning for,

one of the nuns in Sister Act Seven?

- I'm Sulie.

- Well hi, Sulie, nice to meet you.

I'm Angela.

I'm owner of the Amber Waves

hair salon down on Main Street.

And you are?

- [Trixie] Trixie.

- Darling, I love your hair.

You ought to come on down to the salon

some time, we could have some real fun.

- So,

you look prepared.

- Oh, you mean these?

I like 'em too.

I just had these puppies put
in about a month ago in Dallas.

They're the latest model,
too, wanna feel 'em?

- No.

- Yes (laughs)

- Well they feel just like the real thing.

- So are you ready to dance for us?

- No need, you're in.

- You don't need me to dance for you?

- No, you're a natural, you look the part,

you have the right attitude, you're in.

- [Angela] (claps) All right!

(violin music)

- Hello?

Is this the Vista Bonita Apartments?

(upbeat music)
(balloon pops)

(crowd groaning)

(clapping)

You're welcome.

10%, right?

- 15.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Thanks.

- Anything else?

- Yeah, you know where we can find Trixie?

- No, and I don't care.

I am star now.

- Hey.

- Trixie's girlfriend Sulie is missing

ever since Trixie shoot Lady Jeanette.

Find her, you will find Trixie.

- All right ladies, are you ready?

We're gonna take it from the top again.

And, five, six, seven eight.

Hip, one, two, hip, three, four,

arm, five, six, blow, seven eight.

- With which lips?

- [Trixie] All right, what seems to be

the problem here, ladies?

- I'm just having a hard
time remembering it.

But don't worry, I'll get it.

- [Trixie] I have to worry, sweetie,

the show's on Saturday.

- Shit, it's this Saturday?

- Angela, this isn't the
Peppermint Hippo strip club.

You need to tone it
down a little bit, okay?

- Well, I thought that I was doing great.

- Maybe if we just had the music,

then we could feel it and feel the dance.

- Okay, let's see if that works.

- I would like that.
- Me too.

- [Trixie] And, five, six, seven, eight.

hip, one, two, three, four,

arm, five, six, blow kiss, seven,

eight.

Sulie, can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah!

- [Sulie] So what's wrong?

- Are we looking at the same people?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, it's a complete mess.

- It's not that bad.

- Yes it is, we have to cancel the show.

- Cancel the,

these girls are pouring
their heart into it.

- Yeah, well maybe if they
poured their brains into it,

then we would actually have something.

- Just give them time.

- We don't have time!

- Okay, Trixie, this is not LA.

People don't expect that much here.

Let's just try it.

- (sighs) I'm just a perfectionist.

- And I love that about you,

but we really have nothing to lose.

- Oh yeah, just our
reputation, that's all.

- [Man] What the hell are you doing here?

- Can we help you?
- I'm just dancin'.

- Dancin'?

What'd you learn from
Sunday sermon about dancin'?

It's the devil's language.

- Oh, lord.

- Let's go, let's go.

- I need to grab my stuff.

- [Trixie] Get your hands off her.

- What'd you say?

- Trixie.

- You heard me.

I don't appreciate when some
roid-raging, Bible-thumping

man interrupts my rehearsals
because he decided to take out

his small penis frustrations
out on his bitch.

- Yeah!

- You got a little nasty mouth, don't you?

I bet you know all about small dicks.

- Thanks for the offer,
but I'm not interested.

- Trixie, let's not start.

- Come on, put some clothes on.

I don't want you walking around

like the rest of these whores.

- What an asshole.

I swear, next time I see that man,

- I saw it coming.

- (sighs) I guess it's a
threesome, are you okay with that?

- Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

- (laughs) My kind of lady.

- So anyway, I told the boys
you can't just change the feed,

that's like sticking a finger in a dike.

(Junior laughing)

- What's so funny?

- You said put a finger in a,

- You know what, this
food is so delicious.

- Thank, you, Tricia.

I went out of my way to
find an organic market.

It's just part of being a good host.

- Oh, you didn't have to do that.

- That's so sweet, Mom.

- I just want my children
to be honest, hospitable.

- Hey Junior, you know
I set those targets up

for you out back last week?

I haven't seen you use 'em yet.

- Well, I've been busy helping
mama with the bake sale.

- You'll have to learn
to use a gun someday.

- Guns kill.

- Guns kill?

Well, no shit, sherlock.

They kill deer, guns kill pheasant,

ducks, geese, rabbits, coyotes.

Shit, you wouldn't have Christmas dinner

on the table if it wasn't for guns.

- I have never served coyote.

- You see what keeping this boy indoors

all day is doing to him?

- He's not like you.

He's honest and responsible, something

I'd like to see more of around here.

- He offered to help us with our costumes.

- Oh, Jesus, we've got a fairy.

- So, does anyone want to hear about,

- Just because a boy likes to help out

at home doesn't make him a fairy.

Every boy should learn
how to help out at home.

Obviously you haven't.

- What's that mean?

- I think you know.

- So, our show is opening on Saturday.

- You get plenty of help?

- How?

- How? I work for a living,
I put dinner on the table.

I paid for you to go down
to that beauty salon.

- So all I do is sit here all day?

- Hey, hey.

I sat at this table
every night for two weeks

and I have never seen you
guys fight like this before.

What the fuck is goin' on?

- Language, Trix.

- What's going on?

There are no bugs in your apartment.

- [Father] Oh Jesus.

- What?

- There are no bugs in your apartment.

I called your apartment
manager today and he said

that there hasn't been a fumigation.

- [Junior] Ooh.

- [Father] Junior, shut up.

- I want to know what's going on.

Are y'all in trouble or something?

- Well,

- You know what?

He had no idea what he was talking about.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, maybe the fumigation's finished.

- Seriously, we have
been having so much fun

that I didn't even think about calling.

- You've been having fun here?

- Yeah.

- Well that certainly is a surprise.

- Okay girls, right this
way, just a few more steps.

Come on.

- [Angela] Ah, can we open?

- One sec, okay?

Okay, keep 'em closed.

(upbeat music)

Okay, open.

- [both girls] Wow!

- [Sulie] That looks beautiful, Annie.

- I hoped you girls'd like it.

I spent all morning
scrubbing and cleaning.

I found dirt in here older than me,

and here I thought it
was the other way around.

- Ew
(Trixie laughing)

- I don't think I'm in the right place.

I'm looking for Annie's Truckstop Bar.

Not a trendy bar!

- Angela!
(Angela squeals)

- We're gonna be the talk of the town.

- I hope.

You girls haven't seen everything yet.

I have Chuck and Earl
working off their bar tabs.

They have turned my storage room

into one bitchin' dressing room.

- [Trixie] Neat.

- Dressing rooms?

I feel like a star already.

- [Sulie] How long 'til show time?

- 20 minutes.

- I'm nervous.

I need a drink.

- Oh man, I feel you there.

- You're nervous?

- No, I just need a drink.

Oh, baby, do you want anything?

- No thanks.

(upbeat piano music)

- Let me see your face.

You just need a little more cheek.

Hell, we all need a little more cheek.

I am a buns woman myself.

Gimme a man with a nice hard ass.

How 'bout you?

- Buns are nice.

- You know, there's not too
many single men in this town,

and they're usually just double baggers.

You know, you need a
nice shade of lipstick,

brighten you right up.

- I'm not really looking for men anyway.

- Smart girl, you know,
they're not good for anything

anyways except for one thing.

And they're usually not
even very good at that.

Give me an hour on a riding lawn mower

and I am good to go.
(Sulie laughs)

Open.

So, how long have you known Trixie?

- A few years.

- Yeah, you two seem to have a connection.

Blot.

Check yourself out in the mirror.

- Wow, it looks great.
- Thanks.

Are you two lovers?

- Uh,

yeah, yes.

How'd you guess?

- Intuition.

And yes, I'm cool with it.

I mean, who am I to judge?

I am just a horny bitch.

Girl, you read my mind.

- Ooh, and shots too.

- Well, there's not a soul out there,

so I figure we could use
a little fortification.

- I like the way you think.

- Look at you, sexy mama.

- Angie did it for me.

- Well, check you out,
you have some talent.

- You girls ought to come
down to the salon some time.

- I have been dying to.

- Merde.
- [Sulie] Merde.

- Merde?

- Oh, that's what dancers say
before they take the stage.

- Oh, well then.

Merde!

(knocking)

- Is everybody decent?

- [Angela] Ah, come in!

- Mary Lou, what happened?

- Well, I was just passing through

and wanted to wish you girls good luck.

- That's so sweet, you
should stay for the show

- Yeah.

- I really want to, but I can't.

- Oh, come on, it'll be fun!

We'll get you a drink.

- I really can't.

I left Brett, and he's
probably lookin' for me.

- You left Brett?

- Yeah, I left him a note
while he was out with the boys.

- Well, good for you.

- Here, stay.

- Trixe's got your back.

- Yeah, official bodyguard.

- Well, I have been practicin'.

Okay, I'll do it.

(girls cheering)

- All right girl, well then let's get you

up here and we'll get
you all purdy, come on.

Oh, my god.

- [Sulie] What?

- It's pretty bad isn't it?

(Trixie gasps)

- I'm so sorry, baby.

Give us a hug.

- You know, if this had happened

a month ago, I would have blamed myself.

I always thought I was screwin'
up and got what I deserved.

- No one deserves that, darlin'.

- [Voiceover] Five minutes.

- We gotta get you ready.

- Here, I can fix that.

No one will notice.

- I got a surprise for you boys tonight.

Remember those girls that were dancing

in here a few weeks ago?

They're putting on a show tonight.

- You hired strippers?

- Yeeha.

- No strippers, it's a
classy burlesque revue.

It's all the rage in them
fancy bars in New York and LA.

- What did she say?

- Sounded like strippers to me.

- Yeeha.

- I am turning this place into

a classy joint, like it or not.

I even have new drink menus,
31 flavors of martinis.

- (laughs) I'll stick with beer.

- Come on, try one.

- Okay, I will have a Budweiser martini.

- Draft.

- Boys.

It's time.

(upbeat country music)

Thank you all for coming
out here tonight, woo!

- [Voiceover] Take it off!

- I will spit in your drinks.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present Country Lace.

(sparse applauding)

♫ Well I'm savin' all my love
for when my baby gets home ♫

♫ How am I gonna get by
when I'm so all alone ♫

♫ We can talk on the telephone ♫

♫ But it just ain't right
until my baby gets home ♫

- That's right.
- Yeah, come on,

come to daddy.

♫ Love me like I've
never been loved before ♫

♫ Once on the table
two time on the floor ♫

♫ He's a mean old man but
leave me beggin' for more ♫

♫ There are times they come to mind ♫

♫ My head has turned for another guy ♫

♫ But I don't want to be tried ♫

♫ Between my lovin' for another ♫

♫ Here's the reason why ♫

♫ I'm savin' all my love
for when my baby gets home ♫

♫ When he comes back I won't be so alone ♫

♫ It seems no matter where I go ♫

♫ He's the sweetest thing ♫

♫ That I ever did know ♫

(crowd applauding)

- Champagne, anyone?

- Oh yes, of course.

- Okay, so, finish telling us.

- So, we go up to my apartment,

and things are going smooth.

And I give him the green light,
and we start goin' at it.

And then he stops, and he says to me,

I am gonna give you a big package.

(Sulie giggling)
- Oh my god.

- It gets worse.

Then he just keeps going on and on about

his deliveries and his packages, you know,

that is the last time that
I go out with a UPS guy.

(Trixie laughs)
Oh my god.

- Okay, well, so was it?

- [Angela] Was it what?

- Was it a big package?

- Well, let me just say that

I didn't walk for three days.

(girls groaning)

- [Mary Lou] You're terrible.

- So, Annie, what's your worst date?

- Four words.

Earl from the bar.

- Ooh, please, you don't need
to say any more than that.

- Almost turned me onto women.

- Mary Lou, you're
awfully quiet over there.

Tell me, what is the story?

- Yeah, what you gonna do now?

- I haven't thought that far enough ahead.

Maybe I'll head up to Dallas,
I have some family there.

I've never lived in a big city before.

- Oh, well it is a big change,
but you're gonna love it.

I have some friends up in Big D,

they can help acclimate you.

- That would be wonderful.

- We are gonna miss you.

- Oh, how sweet.

But I'm sure you can find a
better dancer to replace me.

- You don't need to leave town so quickly.

- Where would I stay?

- I got an apartment above the bar.

Why don't you stay with me for
a bit 'til you make a plan?

- No, I wouldn't want
to put you out, Annie.

- Who's puttin' out?

- [Sulie] Well, my glass
is empty, anyone want more?

- I don't think you have to ask twice.

- Hello?

(smooth country music)

Hello?

- Oh, hey Brett.

- Where is she?

- Where's who?

- Don't play games with
me, you stupid whore.

- What did you just call me?

- Ahh!

- That's right, and don't come back!

(upbeat country music)

- [Trixie] I had so much fun tonight.

- [Sulie] Shh!

Shit!
(Trixie giggling)

Shh!

- [Trixie] I don't care.

- Junior.

You should go back to your room.

(laughing)

(upbeat country music)

♫ I bear the child of the devil ♫

♫ Deep inside of my womb ♫

♫ I bear the child of the devil ♫

♫ And it feels soon ♫

♫ I'm just a sinner gettin' older ♫

♫ That's why I'm singin' this tune ♫

♫ Come take a walk with me my darlin' ♫

♫ I'll show you a good time ♫

♫ Come take a walk with me my darlin' ♫

♫ I could make you mine ♫

♫ I've got some good
sweet lovin' for you ♫

♫ Hope you won't mind ♫

♫ Take a sip of my fire ♫

♫ To wash down your fears ♫

♫ I took a sip of his fire ♫

♫ Best I felt in years ♫

♫ When you're drinkin'
with the devil baby ♫

♫ You end up in tears ♫

♫ I bear the child of the devil ♫

♫ Deep inside of my womb ♫

♫ I bear the child of the devil ♫

- I heard y'all come in, did you have a,

(gasping)
- Mom!

Mom!

♫ I'm scared of gettin' older ♫

♫ That's why I'm singing this tune ♫

I'm sorry, mom, I didn't want
you to find out like this.

- How did you want me to find out?

- Mom.

- It's my fault for letting
you run off to California.

- No it's not.

- Maybe I'm just not a good mother.

But I never saw a problem in letting

my children find their own way.

- [Voiceover] What the
hell is going on out there?

- Nothin', George, go to bed.

(dramatic music)

- I'm sorry.

- Your father finds out about this,

he'll kick you all out
of here immediately.

- You're not gonna tell him, are you?

- That's for you to decide.

Now go to bed.

But you best be thinking
about when you plan

on returning to California.

(percussive music)

- Um, I thought it was chapstick.

- Go to bed!

- [Junior] Sulie, could you
please pass the potatoes?

Thanks.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Trixie, can you pass the water?

- It's out, I can go get some more.

- That's okay, I can do it.

- No, it's okay.

- Susan Lee can refill
the pitcher, Patricia.

- [Junior] Patricia?

(dramatic instrumental music)

(water running)

- There are more rolls in the
kitchen if anyone wants one.

- No, they're not organic.

- Okay, nobody else is
gonna talk about it, I will.

- George.

- You girls sure have been causing

your share of trouble around here.

- Who's Patricia?

- George.

I think the girls are just used to the way

certain things are out in California.

- Maybe so, but this has gotta stop.

I will not tolerate this.

- What's that?

- Seems that your little show has

enraged our local community.

- Rally this Friday at the
Lassoe Bar and Truckstop

to protest the immoral
entertainment that has invaded

our family-oriented community.

- Where did you get this?

- People passin' 'em out
down at the gas station.

- It's kind of awesome.

- Awesome?

You think havin' people
protest your show is awesome?

- Well, all press is good press.

- Well, that's all fine and
good for you, Miss Hollywood.

- [Sulie] Mom.

- It's so easy to create
a scene, isn't it?

Tear apart a town, tear apart a family.

When all the damage is
done you can fly back

to la la land and leave us
here to pick up the pieces.

- I'm not trying to ruin your family.

- What did you come here for?

- Mom, will you stop attacking Trixie?

- Don't protect her, it's all her fault.

- Oh, it's my fault?

- What exactly is going on here?

- Do you want to know what
our daughter's been up to?

- [Sulie] Mom, please.

- Drama.

- [Mom] Junior, go to your room.

- Ma.

- [George] You heard your mother.

(dramatic music)

- All this time I thought
our daughter, the one

we raised to be a good Christian girl

had come back to visit us for a few days.

But she hasn't come back.

- What are you getting at?

- There are strangers in my house.

- This better not be
one more of your rants.

- Come on, Trixie, we don't
have to take this bullshit.

- Now you're cursin', did
she teach you that too?

- You know what, you really
need to just back off, okay?

- Don't you dare speak to me like that.

You're in my house.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Everybody sit down and shut up.

Sit.

Now while I am upset about the controversy

that you girls have
started with your show,

I don't understand why you're
just picking on Trixie.

- Trixie has corrupted our little girl.

She's stolen Susan Lee
from us and taken her

to a world full of wild dancin',

booze, and immoral behavior.

- No, she hasn't.

I love Trixie.

(glass shattering)

- Junior, go to your room.

- [Junior] Oh man.

- I'm sorry, but,

I love Trixie.

We met in Los Angeles three years ago

and we have been inseparable ever since.

- You just haven't met the right man.

- No, mom.

I am the way I am, and

I am very happy about it.

And if you can't be happy
that I am happy about this,

then maybe you aren't the loving

parent that you thought you were.

(Mom crying)

I just want you to accept me

and love me for who I am.

And to accept Trixie too.

I know she's not exactly
the person that you thought

I'd end up with, but she
is the one that I am with.

(dramatic instrumental music)

And if you could just
try to see her the way

that I do for one moment,
then maybe you would see

the amazing, wonderful

and beautiful person that she is.

I love her.

(crying)
- It's all right.

Look, I think it's best you girls

leave us alone for the night.

Let us work this out.

(upbeat music)

- Here you go, girls.

You certainly deserve 'em.

- To coming out.

- [Sulie] To coming out.

- Uh, you're coming out of what?

- The closet.

- Were you stuck or something?

- We're lesbians.

- Oh, kinda like in them adult videos.

Sweetheart, you just haven't
met the right man yet.

- You know what, that is the second

time I've heard that tonight.

Why don't you buy this man another drink?

- Oh, yeeha, this is my lucky day.

(Trixie laughs)

- So what are you girls gonna do now?

- I don't know, I think we might

be heading back to California.

- That certainly is a shame.

You will be missed.

- So how's Mary Lou working out?

- She's fine.

She's out shopping with Angela right now.

They're trying to get her a
new look for her new life.

- Shopping with Angela's
gonna take her from

church confessional to strip
club in a matter of minutes.

(laughs)

- And straight back to confessional.

- I'd like that.

- Get on your knees and
tell me all your sins.

What'd you do that for?

- [Annie] You can have
it back when you behave.

- Has what's-his-name been around here?

- Who, Brett?

No, he hasn't, I'm surprised.

- Man, I thought he would have
burnt this place down by now.

- She does miss him, though.

You wouldn't believe the amount of times

I walked in on her bawling her eyes out.

- [Sulie] Oh no.

- She wants to go back to him.

- Oh god, it would be such a mistake

for her to go back to that asshole.

- Hey now, are we talkin'
about Brett, the born-again

fellow that works down
at the service station?

- Nice of you to join
in on the conversation.

- You're welcome.

I hear he's passing out these

flyers to just about everybody.

- Oh no.

- Oh, you got one of them flyers too?

- [Man in overalls] Where'd you get yours?

- A Jehonva's Witnesses came
to my door and gave me one.

- Wait, wait, let me see that.

There's gonna be a protest
here tomorrow night?

We gotta cancel the show, girls.

- No!
- I'm sorry,

I can't have this kind of commotion.

My license will get pulled.
- [Trixie] Annie, no.

- No, no, when I agreed
to do something like this,

I did not think it was
gonna get out of hand.

We have to cancel.

- [Sulie] No no no,

- Annie, we have to do this one last show.

- Think of it as our
going away grand finale.

- Yeah, and come on, do
you want Brett to win

because Mary Lou's gonna go back to him?

- You girls.

You know just how to get me.

Fine, one last show, but
if it gets too rowdy,

I'm pullin' the plug, understand?

- Yes, ma'am.

(dramatic music)

- Mom and Dad are sleepin'.

They said to tell you that they love you.

They left some money in an envelope

so you guys could stay
in a hotel for a week.

(Sulie sobbing)

- [Junior] I love you too, sis.

(sobbing)
(dramatic music)

(crowd shouting)

("Dance of the Sugar Plum
Fairy" by Tchaikovsky)

- I thought I would never see you again.

- You said you had more
information for me?

- I might.

- And?

- How much is it worth to you?

(upbeat music)

- I'm at what has to be the hottest

thing to hit small town America.

The Country Lace burlesque
troupe is taking over this small

town by storm and causing
such a wave of controversy.

Now, the founder of this
troupe is from California,

and her name is Trixie.

Oh wait, she seems to be walking in.

Trixie, Trixie, let's see
if we can get her to talk.

Trixie, over here!
- Trixie?

- Who?

- Hi, how are you?

- Vivian Wong from Outlicious TV News.

Tell me a little bit
- Hey!

Turn it up!
- about what started

such a provocative project?

- It was just a lucky shot, I guess.

- That's funny.

- Thank you so much,
Trixie, for talking to us.

We wish you the best of luck.

- [Trixie] Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Reporting live from
Lassoe Bar and Truckstop

in Texas, I'm Vivian Wong
for Outlicious TV News.

- Woo, can you believe it?

We've got a packed house tonight.

- [Trixie] I know!

- Congratulations.

- Thanks, darlin', must have been all them

flyers that were passed out.

- See, I told you, there's
no such thing as bad press.

- Girls, go get ready.

I'll send some drinks back to
the dressing room in a bit.

- I'll take 'em back for ya.

- [Annie] Nice try, no
boys in the dressing room.

(bottles clink)

(country music)
- You know, being a dancer

makes me very flexible.

- No boys allowed in the dressing room.

- See you after the show, big boy.

- Mmm, did you see the buns
hoisted up in those jeans?

He may be the one.

Well, the one for tonight.

- Well, he's all yours, Angela.

- [Angela] As it should
be, mama don't share.

- I'm so nervous.

- [Trixie] Just picture everyone naked.

- That is what I'm doin'.

- [Mary Lou] What a surprise.

- Mary Lou, I think that is the first time

I've heard you say anything sarcastic.

- You must be rubbin' off on me.

- [Trixie] You can say
that again. (laughs)

- So I've got some bad news.

Is everybody sitting down?

- [Angela] What is it?

- We are heading back to
California at the end of the week.

- [Angela] What?

- This is our last show.

- Oh no, no, you can't leave.

- I know, but we were only
supposed to be here for a week.

- Everything all right in here?

- And besides, I mean, with all the

controversy surrounding Annie's bar,

- That was before all
these people showed up.

We got a packed house out there.

I have Chuck and Earl working
off their bar tabs as doormen.

- [Mary Lou] Wow.

- Mmhm, you girls can't leave,

there's a lot of money to be made.

- I know, but we just have too much

we have to get back to, sorry Annie.

- Well, you gotta do
what you gotta do, right?

(upbeat country music)

- Well don't you two look close?

- She's been so nice to me
ever since I left Brett.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- Hey, pardon me sir,
we're all full tonight.

- You don't understand, my
wife's about to go onstage

and dance around like a little harlot.

- You're the fella who's been causing

all the trouble around here.

- Look, I'm just here to speak out about

immorality that's gonna
wreck our community.

If you want to take one of these.

- Excuse me.

- Maybe you didn't hear me
when I said that we were full.

- What?

- [Annie] Two minutes.

- Oh, shit.

So, I told him that if
he wants this date to end

with a happy ending, he
is gonna have to find

a better restaurant than Hometown Buffet.

- [Sulie] Oh, gross.

- Let's just say that he did not get

all he could eat that night.

(knocking)

- Annie that has not been two minutes.

- I hope it's okay for
me to come back here.

Annie said it shouldn't be a problem.

- What can I do for you?

- Well, I'm Peggy, I'm
Annie's new waitress.

Anyway, I heard about your show

and I'm just dying to
get involved somehow.

I used to dance when I was a kid

and I even made cheerleadin'
squad in high school.

It would be,

- Tonight's the last night.

- [Peggy] Oh, really?

- Yeah, sorry.

- You know, it doesn't have to be.

- [Sulie] What?

- Well, there is an interest
not only in people coming

to the show, but people
wanting to be in it.

- [Sulie] Yeah?

- Why don't you guys
just hold some auditions

and find some replacements,
and we could keep the show?

- Country Lace wouldn't be the same

without Trixie and Sulie.

- Oh, I know.

But their spirit will live on.

It's a win win win situation.

I mean, y'all can go home
and we can continue dancin',

and Annie can keep the show.

- I don't know, would you
think it'll really work?

What if it's just a fad?

- They're just crazy
about that show out there,

and there's just nothin' nothin'
going on in this town now.

- [Sulie] What do you think, Trix?

- Your dad did give us
hotel money for the week.

- Then it's settled!

Here is to the best damn
burlesque dancers in all of Texas.

(knocking)
- Show time.

- [Sulie] Annie, we've
got good news for you.

(upbeat music)

- Again, one, two, three, four,

five, six, shake your ass a little bit.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Is this the place?

- No, I just like to fly a couple

thousand miles just to go to a dive bar.

Let's go, shithead.

Sit down, come on, sit down.

- What do we do?

- Follow my lead, just
do exactly what I do.

- Howdy boys, would you like

to hear about our drink specials?

- No, it's okay.

- [Tony] No, it's okay.

- I'll take a Manhattan.

- [Tony] I'll take a Manhattan.

- Two Manhattans.

- What the fuck you do?

- What, you said do what you doin'?

- Yeah, but at the right time.

This isn't Simon Says, douchebag.

- You know what?

I think you should stop calling me names.

- Oh, all of a sudden
you're mister sensitive?

Get out of here.

- So I told him, I don't
care how much you say

you love me, I just had a wax,
and you'll just have to wait.

(girls laughing)

- Where is Annie with our drinks?

- She's probably swamped.

- All right, I can just go get 'em.

Oh my goodness!

Whoa, look at you two!

Not even a drop spilled, Annie.

You are one very talented lady.

- That's me.

- [Sulie] How long has this been going on?

- Ever since she moved in.

- It came as a surprise to both of us.

I guess we just brought
it out of each other.

- Well, tell me about it.

(knocking)

- Oh.

(dramatic ambient music)

- Mom.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

Sorry for the way I reacted.

I was just scared, confused.

Felt like I didn't know you at all

or that you were hiding something from me.

You know I love you, right?

- [Sulie] Yeah.

- And I want you to be happy.

I'm sorry.

- Mom.

- You go out there.

Give 'em hell.

Make me proud.

- Okay, mom.

- Madames, and monsieurs, I now present

the new and improved Country Lace.

(crowd applauds)

♫ One for the party ♫

♫ Two for the show ♫

♫ Three if you don't walk out that door ♫

♫ I don't need that man ♫

♫ I don't need that man because
he's walkin' out the door ♫

♫ Well he came over one Saturday night ♫

♫ And I told him he better love me right ♫

♫ I don't need that man ♫

♫ I don't need that man 'cause he's ♫

♫ walkin' out the door ♫
- Holy crow, hey!

(burlesque music)

- Oh, I'll bet.
(laughing)

♫ If I told him once
then I told him twice ♫

♫ Honey lovin' and leavin'
just ain't very nice ♫

♫ I don't need that man ♫

♫ I don't need that man because
he's walkin' out the door ♫

♫ You know he didn't listen
to what I had to say ♫

♫ So move along gonna do my way ♫

♫ I don't need that man ♫

♫ I don't need that man because
he's walkin' out the door ♫

(crowd applauding and whistling)

♫ Mama once told me listen to me now ♫

♫ If he can get the milk
then he won't buy the cow ♫

♫ I don't need that man ♫

♫ I don't need that man because
he's walkin' out the door ♫

♫ One of these days I'll
find a man that's true ♫

♫ He'll walk in that door
and make a fool of you ♫

♫ I'm gonna need that man ♫

♫ I'm gonna need that man because
he's walkin' in the door ♫

(crowd cheering and applauding)

- How's everybody doing tonight?

(cheering)

Everything is bigger in
Texas, look at this crowd!

- Is this it?

- Last time I saw this
many men in the room

it was at the Anna Nicole
Smith paternity hearing.

Tonight is a special night, though.

Tonight is the last night
that we're gonna have

Sulie and Trixie onstage with us.

(crowd groaning)

I know, I know, they will be missed.

Let's give 'em one more round of applause.

(crowd applauding)

Good night everyone!

(country music)

You were great tonight.

- Thanks, we were all great tonight.

- [Annie] Why don't you come upstairs?

I got a surprise for you.

- I gotta go too, I've
gotta lassoe me a cowboy.

You girls ever head back
in these parts again,

come on into the salon and say hi.

- Thanks Angie.

- If you ever make it out
to LA you can stay with us.

- [Angie] Thanks, darlins.

(laughing)

(Angie screams)

- Hold it!

- That's Brett's, what did he say?

- Where's Trixie?

- What's goin' on?

- She shot her old boss in LA.

She's armed and dangerous.

- I guess this is it.

- It is.

You ready to face the music?

- I hope so.

Hey, I just wanted to thank you

for... sticking by me.

- Of course, that's what girlfriends do.

- Not many.

No really, instead of running away

when I ran into trouble, you stood by me.

And I love you.

- I love you too.

Come on, we've got a
long drive ahead of us.

- Oh god, I can't wait to get back to LA.

I just hope that
everything has blown over.

(Trixie screams)

- Hello Trixie.

- So what are you gonna do with us?

- You shot me, what the hell

you think I'm gonna do with you?

- I should have been a better aim.

- Hey Vinny, what are
we gonna do with 'em?

- I told you.

- Oh no you didn't.

- Yes I did, dummy.

- You mean you don't have a plan?

- [Vinny] Of course we have a plan,

we know what we're gonna do with you.

- Yeah, he told me in the car.

- [Vinny] That's right, in the car.

- And that is?

- It's a surprise.

- It's a surprise, we're gonna keep you

in suspense for a while.

- [Tony] In suspense.

- Hey, you know what,
Annie's upstairs and she

could come down any second.

- (laughing) Yeah, we know.

- That's part of our plan.

- Yeah, what pan?

- We're being held hostage
by dumb and dumber.

- [Vinny] Get up.

- He said get up.

- In case you haven't noticed,
we're tied to these chairs!

- Hey, untie them.

Give us your arms.

Now listen to me carefully,
and your friend that owns

this place won't be
mopping up brains tomorrow.

Now we're gonna go out to my car.

I don't want any funny
business, monkey business,

and no noise, understood?

- Yeah, I got it.

- Not you, dumbass.

- Yes.

- Yes!

- Let's go.

- Door's opening.

- [Sulie] No!

- Holy shit.

- Hey, they called the cops!

- What's going on?

- She's trying to confuse us.

These guys must be her thugs.

Trixie, tell your men to put their

weapons down and to surrender.

- One false move and they're dead.

- I repeat, put your weapons down.

Nobody wants to shoot anybody.

- Hey, what the fuck's going on here?

- You won't take us alive.

- I'm gonna give you
'til the count of three.

- You're not gonna get us this way.

- I am commandin' you,
put your weapons down

and get your hands in the air.

One,

two,
(Angie gasps)

(girls screaming)

- What the fuck is going on here?

Last time I saw this
many men ready to shoot

was backstage at Chippendales.

- Lady Jeanette!

(Sulie gasps)

How did you find us?

- Honey, I heard your news story

while I was in the hospital.

Congratulations, you're a sensation.

- I thought Trixie shot you.

- I thought Vinny killed you.

- He wishes, believe me,
he has tried several times.

But the dumb shit can't
get anything right.

- Sorry about that, ladies.

- We heard some commotion?

- Help this officer get
these losers out of here.

- I still want my 20%

- Look in your pants,
maybe you'll find it.

- Oh my god.

That was so exciting.

- Annie, this is the famous Lady Jeanette.

- Infamous.

- She taught us everything
we know about burlesque.

- Well, it's nice to meet you, ma'am.

- Well, from what I've seen, you have

quite a nice little show here.

Let's talk, I need a drink.

- I just happen to know a nice, quiet bar.

- Oh!

(sighs)

(both laughing)

- How crazy was that?

- Come on, let's go home.

(upbeat country music)