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00:00:02,140 --> 00:00:04,840
[gentle music]
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00:00:04,917 --> 00:00:09,400
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
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00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:28,295
Hey, they're ready
for you Max.
4
00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:29,500
Oh, good.
5
00:00:29,535 --> 00:00:31,465
- It is black. Extra strong.
- Thank you.
6
00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:33,770
Okay. We're on our way.
7
00:00:45,748 --> 00:00:47,185
Okay, one minute
till we shoot.
8
00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:48,917
Thank you guys. Let's be ready.
9
00:00:51,024 --> 00:00:51,887
There we go.
10
00:00:55,395 --> 00:00:57,629
- Final check-
- Is this my chair?
11
00:00:58,497 --> 00:01:00,734
Let's have a red light
bell, please.
12
00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:01,395
[bell ringing]
13
00:01:01,431 --> 00:01:03,100
Where's my phone?
14
00:01:03,168 --> 00:01:04,735
Who has my phone?
15
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,473
Sound.
16
00:01:08,072 --> 00:01:08,970
Camera.
17
00:01:10,342 --> 00:01:11,107
All right. How's my hair?
18
00:01:11,176 --> 00:01:12,245
How's my hair?
19
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,177
It's looking good.
Looking good.
20
00:01:13,213 --> 00:01:14,980
Nice and quiet, please.
21
00:01:15,048 --> 00:01:15,977
Ready for a take.
22
00:01:19,581 --> 00:01:20,620
Cameras are rolling.
23
00:01:20,656 --> 00:01:21,554
Set.
24
00:01:22,321 --> 00:01:23,988
- One take one.
- Mark it.
25
00:01:24,057 --> 00:01:26,220
[slate clacks]
26
00:01:26,255 --> 00:01:27,120
Quiet.
27
00:01:28,930 --> 00:01:30,123
Stand by and...
28
00:01:32,668 --> 00:01:33,566
Action.
29
00:01:34,468 --> 00:01:38,236
When I was an atheist,
if you had asked me,
30
00:01:38,271 --> 00:01:40,134
why do you not believe in God?
31
00:01:41,104 --> 00:01:45,608
I would've answered, look
at the universe we live in.
32
00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:48,948
Mostly empty space,
completely dark.
33
00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,416
Unimaginably cold.
34
00:01:51,451 --> 00:01:53,013
Most scientists
think it improbable
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00:01:53,049 --> 00:01:56,282
that any planet in our
solar system sustains life
36
00:01:56,351 --> 00:02:01,226
and Earth herself existed without
life for millions of years
37
00:02:01,261 --> 00:02:02,822
and may exist millions more
38
00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:06,229
after life has once
again left her.
39
00:02:06,264 --> 00:02:08,767
And what is life?
40
00:02:08,802 --> 00:02:13,167
So arranged that creatures live
only by preying on another.
41
00:02:13,903 --> 00:02:16,906
In the lower forms, this
means only death.
42
00:02:16,941 --> 00:02:19,576
In the higher forms something
called consciousness
43
00:02:19,611 --> 00:02:23,578
enables the living to
experience pain.
44
00:02:23,613 --> 00:02:25,517
Creatures are born in pain,
45
00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:30,616
live by inflicting pain
and mostly die in pain.
46
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,688
In the most complex of
all creatures, man,
47
00:02:34,723 --> 00:02:37,496
another quality appears, reason.
48
00:02:37,531 --> 00:02:41,568
And by reason we can foresee
our own pain.
49
00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:43,867
This we call suffering.
50
00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:46,603
We can foresee our own death
51
00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:49,174
while keenly desiring
to go on living.
52
00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:54,347
Reason enables humans to invent
hundreds of ingenious ways
53
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,548
of inflicting a great
deal more pain
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00:02:56,584 --> 00:03:00,112
than we could have done
as irrational creatures.
55
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:03,150
This power we have exploited
to the full.
56
00:03:03,185 --> 00:03:07,690
History's our record of
crime, war, disease, terror,
57
00:03:07,725 --> 00:03:09,624
with just enough happiness
to give us
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00:03:09,659 --> 00:03:12,225
an agonized fear of losing it.
59
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,367
And when lost, the
poignant misery
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00:03:16,402 --> 00:03:19,232
of remembering how good it felt.
61
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,410
Every now and then our
condition is improved
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00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:29,248
by what we call civilization.
63
00:03:29,283 --> 00:03:32,048
But all civilizations pass away.
64
00:03:32,084 --> 00:03:36,015
That our own civilization will
pass away is surely probable,
65
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:38,590
and even if it should
not pass away,
66
00:03:38,658 --> 00:03:41,694
we're all doomed, the
universe is doomed.
67
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,596
The astronomers hold out no hope
68
00:03:44,664 --> 00:03:47,127
that this planet is
permanently inhabitable.
69
00:03:47,163 --> 00:03:49,831
The physicists hold out
no hope that organic life
70
00:03:49,867 --> 00:03:52,138
is a permanent possibility
in any part
71
00:03:52,174 --> 00:03:53,539
of the material universe.
72
00:03:53,574 --> 00:03:56,574
Not only this earth,
but the whole show.
73
00:03:56,609 --> 00:03:59,409
All the suns of space
are to run down.
74
00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:02,880
Nature is a sinking ship.
75
00:04:04,346 --> 00:04:08,247
So if you asked me to believe
all this I've just described
76
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:11,158
as the work of an
omnipotent, benevolent God,
77
00:04:11,226 --> 00:04:12,756
I would have laughed and said
78
00:04:12,792 --> 00:04:15,055
the evidence points in
the opposite direction.
79
00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,364
Either there's no God
behind the universe,
80
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:20,166
a God indifferent
to good and evil,
81
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,735
or worse, an evil God,
82
00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:25,330
Never dreamed of raising
the question
83
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,805
if the universe is so
bad, or even half so bad,
84
00:04:28,874 --> 00:04:30,807
how on Earth did humans
ever come to attribute
85
00:04:30,842 --> 00:04:34,179
it to the work of a wise
and good creator?
86
00:04:34,247 --> 00:04:35,644
Oh men are fools!
87
00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:37,109
But not so foolish as that,
88
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,387
to direct inference from
black to white,
89
00:04:40,422 --> 00:04:42,753
from evil flower to
virtuous root,
90
00:04:42,789 --> 00:04:47,290
from senseless work to a
workman infinitely wise.
91
00:04:47,326 --> 00:04:48,959
Staggers belief.
92
00:04:50,696 --> 00:04:54,060
No, I did not believe
God existed.
93
00:04:54,095 --> 00:04:56,295
I was angry at God
for not existing.
94
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,966
Why should creatures have
the burden of existence
95
00:04:59,001 --> 00:05:01,305
forced upon them without
their consent?
96
00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:04,645
[soft pensive music]
97
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,793
I lost my mother to cancer.
98
00:05:22,828 --> 00:05:25,363
Had an estranged
relationship with my father
99
00:05:25,398 --> 00:05:27,229
that I regret even now.
100
00:05:27,965 --> 00:05:29,964
Was in the trenches during
the Great War,
101
00:05:29,999 --> 00:05:32,965
the hell where youth
and laughter go
102
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,168
only to see horribly smashed men
103
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,945
still moving about like
crushed beetles.
104
00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:42,710
A mortar shell that wounded
me, killed the man next to me,
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00:05:42,745 --> 00:05:43,979
splattering shrapnel,
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00:05:44,014 --> 00:05:47,383
some of which I carry
my body to this day.
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00:05:47,418 --> 00:05:49,683
[car hoots]
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00:05:49,719 --> 00:05:53,023
[bicycle bell rings]
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00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:58,162
[church bell tolls]
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00:05:58,965 --> 00:06:02,868
When I returned to Oxford
after the war in 1919,
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00:06:02,903 --> 00:06:06,737
I read the minutes to my
college's last meeting in 1914,
112
00:06:06,805 --> 00:06:09,739
nothing made me realize
more thoroughly
113
00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:12,305
the absolute waste
of those years.
114
00:06:12,341 --> 00:06:15,710
I was asked "Were you much
frightened in France?"
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00:06:15,745 --> 00:06:17,417
"All the time," I said,
116
00:06:17,486 --> 00:06:20,215
"but I never sank so
low as to pray."
117
00:06:21,657 --> 00:06:23,383
Some people have got the
impression from my books
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00:06:23,418 --> 00:06:26,818
that I was raised in a
strict and vivid puritanism.
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00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,058
This is untrue.
120
00:06:30,494 --> 00:06:31,296
Mr. Lewis.
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00:06:31,365 --> 00:06:33,265
Roger, usual please.
122
00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:36,201
You? Make that two.
123
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:36,896
I'll get these.
124
00:06:36,932 --> 00:06:38,503
Edel will find us a table.
125
00:06:38,538 --> 00:06:40,235
[Edel] You can have this one.
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00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,369
There you go. All done.
127
00:06:44,176 --> 00:06:47,814
No, religious experience
did not occur in my family.
128
00:06:50,016 --> 00:06:53,012
Was taught the usual things,
made to say my prayers,
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00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:54,987
in due time taken to church.
130
00:06:55,789 --> 00:06:58,121
Can't remember feeling
much interest in it.
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00:06:59,060 --> 00:06:59,958
Cheers!
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00:07:03,995 --> 00:07:06,897
Father was a solicitor
in Belfast, Ireland.
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00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:11,096
He was Welsh by blood,
passionate, rhetorical,
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00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,334
laughed and cried a great deal.
135
00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:16,172
Had almost no talent
for happiness.
136
00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:18,642
Mother was of a cooler race.
137
00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:20,947
She was tranquil, affectionate.
138
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:25,417
She had a talent for happiness.
Went straight for it.
139
00:07:25,453 --> 00:07:27,113
As an experienced traveler
140
00:07:27,149 --> 00:07:29,119
goes for the best
seat on a train.
141
00:07:30,489 --> 00:07:33,288
[pensive music]
142
00:07:34,729 --> 00:07:37,725
I lived in a large house
that to a small boy
143
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,360
seemed like a city.
144
00:07:45,772 --> 00:07:48,434
I am a product of
long corridors,
145
00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:53,674
empty sunlit rooms, attics
explored in solitude,
146
00:07:54,310 --> 00:07:58,749
distant noises of gurgling
cisterns and pipes.
147
00:07:58,785 --> 00:08:02,222
The noise of wind
under the tiles
148
00:08:02,290 --> 00:08:04,187
and endless books.
149
00:08:07,088 --> 00:08:10,391
Books readable and unreadable,
150
00:08:10,427 --> 00:08:15,869
books suitable for a child
and books emphatically not.
151
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,770
Nothing was forbidden.
152
00:08:18,805 --> 00:08:23,040
In the seemingly endless
rainy afternoons
153
00:08:23,109 --> 00:08:26,913
I almost literally read
my way through the house.
154
00:08:31,482 --> 00:08:32,210
Jack.
155
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,217
You'll never guess what I found!
156
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:35,981
Quick!
157
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,187
Hey wait for me!
158
00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:39,192
Hey wait!
159
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,190
Catch up.
160
00:08:41,193 --> 00:08:43,930
Hey Jack, now stop!
Don't disturb your father!
161
00:08:44,627 --> 00:08:45,525
Boys!
162
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,165
Boys!
163
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,939
Boys.
164
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:03,279
Happy days.
165
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,218
My brother Warnie and I
enjoyed them to the full.
166
00:09:11,419 --> 00:09:14,356
Until the great loss
that befell our family.
167
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:17,159
[somber music]
168
00:09:17,195 --> 00:09:20,764
One night, my father in
tears came into my room
169
00:09:20,799 --> 00:09:23,899
to convey to my terrified mind
170
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:26,302
things I'd never conceived of.
171
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,005
My mother had cancer.
172
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,271
[Father] The doctor
said, we can't-
173
00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:31,569
- [C.S. Lewis] I don't
think children suffer
174
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,942
less than their elders,
they suffer differently.
175
00:09:34,978 --> 00:09:36,477
So we have to be strong.
176
00:09:37,513 --> 00:09:40,247
[C.S. Lewis] And as our
whole existence changed
177
00:09:40,282 --> 00:09:43,690
into something alien
and menacing.
178
00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:45,486
Your mother loves
you very much.
179
00:09:45,521 --> 00:09:49,127
[C.S. Lewis] The house
became full of strange smells,
180
00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:54,396
midnight noises and sinister
whispered conversations.
181
00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:01,907
[Mother coughing]
182
00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:03,138
[Nurse] We need some
fresh bandages quickly.
183
00:10:03,207 --> 00:10:04,604
[C.S. Lewis] My brother
Warnie and I
184
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,307
lost our mother gradually
as she was slowly withdrawn
185
00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:10,647
from our life into the
hands of nurses,
186
00:10:10,716 --> 00:10:13,316
delirium and morphea.
187
00:10:16,954 --> 00:10:18,087
Oh Doctor. Thank goodness.
188
00:10:18,156 --> 00:10:20,554
The disease followed
the usual course,
189
00:10:20,589 --> 00:10:23,323
an operation, they operated
in the patient's house
190
00:10:23,391 --> 00:10:26,933
in those days, an apparent
recovery,
191
00:10:26,969 --> 00:10:32,038
the return at the disease,
increasing pain, death.
192
00:10:34,607 --> 00:10:35,533
[door closing]
193
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:39,073
When mother died, all
settled happiness
194
00:10:39,108 --> 00:10:42,015
disappeared from our lives.
195
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:45,150
A great continent had sunk.
196
00:10:46,214 --> 00:10:49,082
It was only sea and islands now.
197
00:10:49,117 --> 00:10:52,685
[somber music continues]
198
00:11:03,636 --> 00:11:06,468
[father sobbing]
199
00:11:11,206 --> 00:11:13,013
My father never recovered.
200
00:11:15,347 --> 00:11:19,250
Under the pressure he spoke
wildly, acted unjustly,
201
00:11:20,284 --> 00:11:22,818
as this unfortunate
man was losing his sons
202
00:11:22,854 --> 00:11:24,156
as well as his wife.
203
00:11:25,556 --> 00:11:28,721
My brother Warnie and I had
already begun to lie to him.
204
00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:31,193
We were two frightened urchins,
205
00:11:31,228 --> 00:11:33,594
huddled for warmth
in a bleak world.
206
00:11:36,699 --> 00:11:40,167
Mother's death occasioned, what
some might say at the time,
207
00:11:40,202 --> 00:11:43,305
my first religious experience.
208
00:11:43,341 --> 00:11:45,745
When my mother's case
was pronounced hopeless
209
00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:47,672
I remembered what I
had been taught,
210
00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:51,512
that prayers offered in
faith would be granted.
211
00:11:51,547 --> 00:11:55,688
Accordingly, I set myself
to produce in prayer
212
00:11:55,723 --> 00:11:58,251
a firm belief for her recovery.
213
00:11:58,286 --> 00:12:00,556
When she died, I shifted ground.
214
00:12:00,624 --> 00:12:06,066
I worked myself into belief
that there was to be a miracle.
215
00:12:07,096 --> 00:12:09,331
Oh, I approached God.
216
00:12:09,366 --> 00:12:12,631
Not as savior or as
judge, but as magician.
217
00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:16,702
I simply wanted him to
restore the status quo.
218
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:20,206
And when he had done
what was required of him,
219
00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:23,215
he would simply go away.
220
00:12:26,215 --> 00:12:28,117
The prayer hadn't worked.
221
00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:30,722
Oh, I was used to things
not working,
222
00:12:30,758 --> 00:12:32,158
thought no more about it.
223
00:12:34,793 --> 00:12:37,559
[pensive music]
224
00:12:41,529 --> 00:12:44,036
Mother's death among
other things,
225
00:12:44,071 --> 00:12:48,433
produced in me a deeply
ingrained pessimism.
226
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,574
Oh, I was by no means unhappy,
227
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:55,047
but I had definitely formed
the opinion that the universe
228
00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:59,185
in the main was a rather
regrettable institution.
229
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:12,331
Father's melancholy was
a contributing factor.
230
00:13:12,366 --> 00:13:16,266
A prosperous man who by our
present tax-ridden standards
231
00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:18,932
would be described as
incredibly secure.
232
00:13:19,702 --> 00:13:25,145
Expressed adult life as
one unremitting struggle.
233
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:31,849
Best one could hope for,
according to him,
234
00:13:31,918 --> 00:13:35,348
was to avoid the workhouse.
235
00:13:35,416 --> 00:13:38,224
This only by extreme exertion.
236
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:42,354
Never thought to check his
highly colored comments
237
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,656
against the obvious fact
238
00:13:43,724 --> 00:13:47,025
that we were living very
uncomfortable lives.
239
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,537
Temperamental widower still
grieving the loss of his wife
240
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,537
must be very wise to raise
two noisy school boys
241
00:13:55,606 --> 00:13:58,739
who reserve their confidence
only for each other.
242
00:14:00,180 --> 00:14:04,415
The same scene, reenacted
time after time.
243
00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:09,520
Well?
244
00:14:10,489 --> 00:14:12,784
[C.S. Lewis] When he opened
his mouth to reprove us
245
00:14:12,820 --> 00:14:16,860
he no doubt intended a
short well-chosen appeal
246
00:14:16,896 --> 00:14:18,691
to our common sense.
247
00:14:18,759 --> 00:14:21,232
Have you nothing to
say in your defense?
248
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,464
But alas, he had been
a public prosecutor,
249
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,833
long before he had
become a father.
250
00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:32,071
Words came to him and
intoxicated him as they came.
251
00:14:32,473 --> 00:14:35,642
Never in all my born days
252
00:14:35,678 --> 00:14:39,912
have I come across such
recalcitrant behavior.
253
00:14:42,085 --> 00:14:44,422
Disobedience.
254
00:14:45,686 --> 00:14:49,725
Deliberate disobedience
and willfulness,
255
00:14:49,794 --> 00:14:54,564
such as would dismay the very
founders of our civilization.
256
00:14:56,338 --> 00:14:58,834
What happened was a small
boy who left the bathroom
257
00:14:58,869 --> 00:15:04,103
in a pickle, found himself
attacked like Cicero on Catiline.
258
00:15:04,939 --> 00:15:09,181
Simile on simile, rhetorical
question on rhetorical
259
00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:11,543
question, the flash
of an orator's eye,
260
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:15,013
the gestures, the cadences...
261
00:15:16,052 --> 00:15:17,653
The pauses.
262
00:15:19,489 --> 00:15:21,725
The pauses were the
chief danger.
263
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,227
Well?
264
00:15:25,262 --> 00:15:27,631
[C.S. Lewis] One was so long
265
00:15:27,699 --> 00:15:31,567
that my brother, assuming the
denunciation to have ended,
266
00:15:31,602 --> 00:15:34,767
humbly picked up his
book and resumed reading,
267
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:37,937
a gesture which my
father, who had only made
268
00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:41,680
a rhetorical miscalculation
of about a second and a half
269
00:15:41,716 --> 00:15:42,981
described as-
270
00:15:43,049 --> 00:15:46,452
- Cool, premeditated, insolent!
271
00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:49,781
The disproportion
between the tirades
272
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:53,123
and what prompted them
was ludicrous.
273
00:15:53,158 --> 00:15:54,993
From the wilderness of words,
274
00:15:55,061 --> 00:15:58,064
emerged ideas I took literally.
275
00:15:58,099 --> 00:16:00,696
Perhaps I should board
up the house.
276
00:16:03,104 --> 00:16:06,267
Keep you both in school
all year round.
277
00:16:06,302 --> 00:16:07,436
And that we should be-
278
00:16:07,471 --> 00:16:12,510
- Sent to the colonies
to end in misery
279
00:16:12,612 --> 00:16:17,779
the career of crime on which
you have both already embarked.
280
00:16:23,258 --> 00:16:26,458
Such was the effect
of my father's rhetoric,
281
00:16:27,493 --> 00:16:31,027
until I began to perceive
him as ridiculous.
282
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:34,026
[kettle whistling]
283
00:16:35,532 --> 00:16:38,404
At 14, I ceased to
be a Christian.
284
00:16:39,138 --> 00:16:41,341
At that age one barely notices.
285
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:45,808
At school, all the
teachers and book editors
286
00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:49,447
took it for granted that
religion was some sort of endemic
287
00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:52,779
nonsense into which
humanity tended to blunder.
288
00:16:52,815 --> 00:16:57,288
In the midst of a
thousand false religions,
289
00:16:57,324 --> 00:17:00,354
stood our own, the thousand
and first,
290
00:17:00,389 --> 00:17:03,363
labeled completely true.
291
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:10,466
On what grounds I asked, why
was it treated so differently?
292
00:17:10,735 --> 00:17:14,235
I was eager not to, if Adonis
could be explained away,
293
00:17:14,271 --> 00:17:16,241
then why not Christ?
294
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:19,805
So little by little,
I became an apostate
295
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,015
dropping my faith with
no sense of loss
296
00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:24,714
and with the greatest relief.
297
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:27,953
Oh, there was no faith, hope
or charity in my religion.
298
00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:29,884
I feared not God, but hell,
299
00:17:29,953 --> 00:17:33,853
and heaven was only the lesser
of two intolerable evils.
300
00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:36,688
Oh, I became a vigorous
debunker and argued
301
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:39,265
there's no proof
for any religion
302
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:42,433
and that Christianity
is not even the best.
303
00:17:42,468 --> 00:17:45,197
Religion was invented
to explain things
304
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:50,438
that terrified primitive man,
thunder, pestilence, snakes.
305
00:17:50,674 --> 00:17:52,171
What could be more natural
than to suppose
306
00:17:52,206 --> 00:17:55,776
they were animated by spirits
and that by singing songs
307
00:17:55,845 --> 00:17:58,881
and making sacrifices,
one might appease them.
308
00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:02,914
Great men such as Hercules and
Odin were thought to be gods.
309
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,717
After their death, hence
after the death
310
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,920
of a Hebrew philosopher, Yeshua,
311
00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:10,989
whose name we have corrupted
into Jesus,
312
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:13,792
a cult sprang up and
Christianity began,
313
00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:16,798
just another mythology
among many.
314
00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:21,901
Oh the superstitions always
held by common people,
315
00:18:22,037 --> 00:18:25,707
but educated thinking was
always stood outside it,
316
00:18:25,742 --> 00:18:30,713
conceding to it only
out of convenience.
317
00:18:30,749 --> 00:18:33,150
And I was not prepared
to believe in a bogey man
318
00:18:33,219 --> 00:18:35,114
who would torture me forever
319
00:18:35,183 --> 00:18:40,625
because I failed to live up
to an impossible standard.
320
00:18:41,094 --> 00:18:44,464
[school bell ringing]
321
00:18:48,298 --> 00:18:50,668
[door closing]
322
00:18:50,736 --> 00:18:53,935
With my deliberate withdrawal
from divine protection,
323
00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:58,508
I underwent a successful
assault of sexual temptation.
324
00:18:58,543 --> 00:19:00,841
Part of it was the
age I had reached.
325
00:19:00,909 --> 00:19:03,844
The electric effect
was a dancing mistress.
326
00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:07,780
She was the first woman
to speak to my blood
327
00:19:07,816 --> 00:19:10,957
whom I looked upon
to lust after.
328
00:19:10,992 --> 00:19:12,586
Good morning, boys.
329
00:19:12,621 --> 00:19:14,523
[Boys] Good morning Miss.
330
00:19:14,592 --> 00:19:16,523
This was of no fault
of her own.
331
00:19:16,558 --> 00:19:18,364
A gesture, tone of voice
332
00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:21,832
has unpredictable
results in these matters.
333
00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,532
As it happened, the school
room was decorated for dance.
334
00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:28,307
She came in and said.
335
00:19:28,343 --> 00:19:32,538
[sighs] I love the
smell of bunting.
336
00:19:32,574 --> 00:19:33,744
And I was undone.
337
00:19:35,445 --> 00:19:36,681
Now, let us begin.
338
00:19:38,118 --> 00:19:39,915
Follow my every move.
339
00:19:40,581 --> 00:19:41,987
Thank you Elsie.
340
00:19:42,023 --> 00:19:43,920
[gentle piano music]
341
00:19:43,956 --> 00:19:44,854
Up.
342
00:19:46,124 --> 00:19:47,021
And down.
343
00:19:48,961 --> 00:19:49,859
And up.
344
00:19:52,593 --> 00:19:54,230
And dainty toes.
345
00:19:54,299 --> 00:19:55,494
Dainty toes, very good.
346
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,166
Dainty toes.
347
00:19:57,202 --> 00:19:58,736
And around sway.
348
00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:00,936
Sway.
349
00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,742
This was not a knight
devoting himself to a lady,
350
00:20:06,811 --> 00:20:09,476
more like a Turk looking
at a Circassian woman
351
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,115
he could not afford.
352
00:20:11,184 --> 00:20:13,113
I knew what I wanted.
353
00:20:18,854 --> 00:20:20,956
You might think this
produced guilt.
354
00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:25,857
Guilt was not a thing I knew.
355
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,601
Well done boys. Well done.
356
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,937
I had been a tender-hearted
boy,
357
00:20:35,006 --> 00:20:40,212
but now I labored hard to
become a fop, a cad, a snob.
358
00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:43,743
I was at that time as non-moral
359
00:20:43,778 --> 00:20:46,952
as a human creature could be.
360
00:20:46,987 --> 00:20:47,950
Oh Lewis.
361
00:20:49,883 --> 00:20:52,086
Do enjoy the holidays won't you?
362
00:20:54,390 --> 00:20:55,287
Yes, miss.
363
00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:00,433
[men speaking indistinctly]
364
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,632
Oh, there you are.
Where have you been?
365
00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:05,304
- Sorry Father.
- Come on, come on.
366
00:21:05,373 --> 00:21:08,172
It won't wait you
know. Thank you.
367
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,010
[expectant music]
368
00:21:11,078 --> 00:21:13,941
[train whistling]
369
00:21:13,976 --> 00:21:15,476
[C.S. Lewis] I could
not tell my father
370
00:21:15,512 --> 00:21:16,911
my change of belief.
371
00:21:16,947 --> 00:21:20,244
He was no fool. He even
had a streak of genius.
372
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,916
But for a man who was
formidable in court
373
00:21:22,951 --> 00:21:26,217
and I presume efficient
in his office,
374
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:29,822
he had more power for
confusing an issue
375
00:21:29,857 --> 00:21:32,962
than any man I have ever known.
376
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:45,640
Oh, the first barrier
to communication
377
00:21:45,675 --> 00:21:48,578
was having asked the question,
378
00:21:48,614 --> 00:21:50,677
he would not stay
for the answer.
379
00:21:51,346 --> 00:21:56,517
Tell him that a boy called
Churchwood had caught a mouse
380
00:21:56,586 --> 00:21:59,057
and kept it as a pet.
381
00:21:59,126 --> 00:22:00,459
He would ask-
382
00:22:00,494 --> 00:22:02,788
- Whatever became of
young Chickweed
383
00:22:02,824 --> 00:22:04,796
who was so afraid of rats?
384
00:22:05,461 --> 00:22:06,358
Who sir?
385
00:22:07,364 --> 00:22:08,360
Chickweed.
386
00:22:10,702 --> 00:22:13,766
Oh, I think you
mean Churchwood.
387
00:22:13,802 --> 00:22:16,236
It was a mouse, not a rat.
388
00:22:16,972 --> 00:22:18,975
And he wasn't afraid
of it, at all.
389
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:25,651
Attempts to correct his
version produced an incredulous.
390
00:22:25,687 --> 00:22:30,556
That's not the story
you used to tell, my boy.
391
00:22:30,591 --> 00:22:33,451
All this explains,
though does not excuse,
392
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,730
one of the worst
acts of my life.
393
00:22:40,195 --> 00:22:43,261
I allowed myself to
prepare for confirmation.
394
00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:47,403
To be confirmed, make
my first communion,
395
00:22:47,472 --> 00:22:51,536
all in total disbelief,
396
00:22:51,571 --> 00:22:57,013
acting a part, eating and
drinking my own condemnation.
397
00:22:57,813 --> 00:23:00,047
I knew I was acting a lie.
398
00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:04,719
I simply could not tell
my father my real views.
399
00:23:04,754 --> 00:23:06,517
Not that he would have stopped.
400
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:09,694
Let's talk the whole thing
over, he would have said.
401
00:23:09,729 --> 00:23:12,295
But the thread would
have been lost at once.
402
00:23:12,364 --> 00:23:14,366
His arguments.
403
00:23:14,401 --> 00:23:16,227
I would not have valued a straw,
404
00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:19,600
the beauty of the authorized
version,
405
00:23:19,669 --> 00:23:22,307
the Christian tradition.
406
00:23:22,343 --> 00:23:24,610
Oh, it was all sentiment.
407
00:23:24,679 --> 00:23:29,709
And if I tried to make
by exact points clear,
408
00:23:30,111 --> 00:23:32,583
there would have been
thunder from him
409
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,851
and a thin peevish
rattle from me,
410
00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:38,318
Nor could the subject
ever have been dropped.
411
00:23:40,427 --> 00:23:43,763
All this I ought to have dared
412
00:23:44,662 --> 00:23:47,928
rather than the thing I did.
413
00:23:47,964 --> 00:23:51,133
It seemed impossible
at the time,
414
00:23:51,801 --> 00:23:55,902
cowardice drove me to hypocrisy
415
00:23:55,937 --> 00:23:59,306
and hypocrisy to blasphemy.
416
00:24:00,006 --> 00:24:03,310
[anticipatory music]
417
00:24:05,513 --> 00:24:10,148
The years passed, then the
most fortunate thing happened.
418
00:24:10,217 --> 00:24:12,151
A bit more to the
right, please.
419
00:24:12,186 --> 00:24:13,988
[C.S. Lewis] My father
had declared
420
00:24:14,057 --> 00:24:16,494
that he would send my
brother to a tutor
421
00:24:16,529 --> 00:24:18,594
in Surrey, south of London.
422
00:24:18,629 --> 00:24:19,830
That's it. Thank you.
423
00:24:19,865 --> 00:24:21,593
[C.S. Lewis] In a
surprisingly short time,
424
00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:26,471
this tutor had so rebuilt the
ruins of Warnie's education,
425
00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,233
that he passed into Sandhurst
426
00:24:28,268 --> 00:24:31,206
and received a prize
army cadetship.
427
00:24:32,572 --> 00:24:36,374
For some time, my own schooling
had been going nowhere.
428
00:24:36,410 --> 00:24:40,518
It had neither engaged
my mind nor my heart,
429
00:24:40,586 --> 00:24:42,852
but seeing my brothers progress,
430
00:24:42,921 --> 00:24:45,490
I finally plucked up
the courage to ask.
431
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:47,992
Jack! Jack! Are you up there?
432
00:24:53,192 --> 00:24:56,127
Come on boy. Well get your coat.
433
00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:58,002
We're 10 minutes late already.
434
00:25:04,144 --> 00:25:08,547
[Jack] Papa, you know, when
you send Warnie off to Surrey
435
00:25:08,583 --> 00:25:10,646
to your old tutor
Mr. Kirkpatrick.
436
00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,310
[Father] [chuckles] Yes.
437
00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,216
The Great Knock we
used to call him.
438
00:25:14,251 --> 00:25:16,948
[Jack] Warnie seemed to
benefit from him greatly.
439
00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:17,885
[Father] He did.
440
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,386
He did. He's a fine teacher.
441
00:25:23,562 --> 00:25:24,622
I've been thinking.
442
00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:29,869
Might it not be good to
send me to Surrey too?
443
00:25:37,106 --> 00:25:39,076
Well, there'll be
no other boys.
444
00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:42,340
You won't be able to
play your games.
445
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:46,813
I tried to look grave,
no other boys.
446
00:25:46,849 --> 00:25:48,888
Never to play games.
447
00:25:49,818 --> 00:25:52,089
I was transported.
448
00:25:54,526 --> 00:25:57,424
[expectant music]
449
00:26:03,832 --> 00:26:06,598
[train chuffing]
450
00:26:10,609 --> 00:26:11,942
Ah yes, this is the day
451
00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:14,609
the rest of my life
really began to happen.
452
00:26:14,678 --> 00:26:17,543
[train whistles]
453
00:26:21,451 --> 00:26:24,954
I was still in my teens when
I made my way over to England
454
00:26:25,023 --> 00:26:28,158
and down to Surrey to
meet my new tutor.
455
00:26:28,826 --> 00:26:30,789
I wasn't sure what to expect.
456
00:26:31,391 --> 00:26:34,329
At first sight he seemed
decent enough.
457
00:26:38,572 --> 00:26:40,201
Hello, lovely to meet you.
458
00:26:40,236 --> 00:26:44,438
William T. Kirkpatrick.
The Great Knock.
459
00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:49,314
His grip was like
iron pincers.
460
00:26:49,349 --> 00:26:50,345
Follow me!
461
00:26:54,384 --> 00:26:56,982
I remember feeling the
need to make conversation
462
00:26:57,051 --> 00:26:58,185
in the deplorable manner
463
00:26:58,254 --> 00:27:00,424
I felt necessary to
use with my father.
464
00:27:01,227 --> 00:27:03,993
I was quite surprised by
the scenery of Surrey, sir.
465
00:27:04,028 --> 00:27:05,456
It's really much wilder
than I expected.
466
00:27:05,525 --> 00:27:08,367
Stop! What do you
mean by wildness?
467
00:27:09,036 --> 00:27:12,000
And on what grounds have
you based your expectations?
468
00:27:12,036 --> 00:27:15,640
On the flora and geology
of Surrey?
469
00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:19,377
Was it maps, photographs, books?
470
00:27:19,413 --> 00:27:20,472
Sorry, sir.
471
00:27:20,507 --> 00:27:23,442
As answer after answer
was torn to shreds
472
00:27:23,478 --> 00:27:26,849
Kirk concluded that my
comment was meaningless
473
00:27:26,917 --> 00:27:28,248
and that I had no right to have
474
00:27:28,283 --> 00:27:31,318
any opinion whatsoever
on the subject.
475
00:27:31,353 --> 00:27:32,954
It never occurred to
me that my thoughts
476
00:27:32,989 --> 00:27:35,060
needed to be based on anything.
477
00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:41,031
That conversation lasted
three minutes
478
00:27:41,099 --> 00:27:45,433
and set the tone for
my two years in Surrey.
479
00:27:45,468 --> 00:27:50,636
Kirk's ruthless dialectic
was the only way he spoke.
480
00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:55,011
It was an astonishment to Kirk
481
00:27:55,046 --> 00:27:58,380
that you should not want
to be corrected.
482
00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:02,184
Kirk lived with his wife
in a comfortable
483
00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:06,592
and secluded cottage on
the edge of the village.
484
00:28:06,627 --> 00:28:09,791
It was all rather wonderful.
485
00:28:09,827 --> 00:28:11,525
Welcome! Welcome!
486
00:28:12,194 --> 00:28:14,232
Now you put your
case down there.
487
00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:18,365
[C.S. Lewis] I felt welcomed
as soon as I stepped inside,
488
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,066
the whole place was
stuffed with books.
489
00:28:22,135 --> 00:28:24,742
I had come home.
490
00:28:24,777 --> 00:28:27,506
And this is my wife, Louisa.
491
00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:29,614
Pleased to meet you
Mrs. Kirkpatrick.
492
00:28:29,683 --> 00:28:30,407
Pleasure's ours entirely.
493
00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,177
We'll show you
up to your room.
494
00:28:32,213 --> 00:28:33,280
I have it all prepared.
495
00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,780
You come down when
you're ready,
496
00:28:34,815 --> 00:28:38,222
and we'll start knocking that
mind of yours into shape.
497
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:45,460
There you are. I
hope you like it.
498
00:28:48,663 --> 00:28:51,768
Oh, and by the way, don't
worry about my husband.
499
00:28:51,837 --> 00:28:55,239
He likes to argue, a lot.
500
00:28:56,438 --> 00:28:58,903
Most boys would have
cowered at all this.
501
00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:04,176
I loved the treat, but it
was red beef and strong beer.
502
00:29:04,211 --> 00:29:05,412
After a few knockdowns,
503
00:29:05,447 --> 00:29:08,186
I began to put on some
intellectual muscle
504
00:29:08,221 --> 00:29:12,487
and became a bit of a sparring
partner to my new tutor.
505
00:29:16,956 --> 00:29:21,295
If I could please myself, I'd
always live as I lived here.
506
00:29:21,331 --> 00:29:24,564
breakfast at eight,
at my desk by nine
507
00:29:24,599 --> 00:29:28,800
to read and write to
precisely one, then lunch.
508
00:29:30,205 --> 00:29:31,435
That was absolutely delicious.
509
00:29:31,470 --> 00:29:32,641
Thank you, Mrs. Kirkpatrick.
510
00:29:32,676 --> 00:29:33,871
Fine.
511
00:29:33,907 --> 00:29:37,644
Oh yes. I was encouraged
to eat, as well as to think.
512
00:29:43,353 --> 00:29:46,453
Off for a walk by two,
not with a friend.
513
00:29:46,488 --> 00:29:48,992
Walking and talking are
two great pleasures,
514
00:29:49,061 --> 00:29:51,458
but it is a mistake
to combine them.
515
00:29:51,493 --> 00:29:54,962
Our noise blocks out
the sounds and silences
516
00:29:54,998 --> 00:29:56,300
of the outer world.
517
00:29:58,164 --> 00:29:59,270
Thank you.
518
00:30:01,370 --> 00:30:03,438
My return and the
arrival of tea
519
00:30:03,474 --> 00:30:08,012
would coincide at exactly
four, taken in solitude.
520
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,341
Eating and reading
are two pleasures
521
00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:13,182
that combine admirably.
522
00:30:13,251 --> 00:30:16,116
Work till seven, deep
into the classics,
523
00:30:16,151 --> 00:30:18,190
not sparing the horses.
524
00:30:25,966 --> 00:30:28,194
Good talk all evening,
all challenging,
525
00:30:28,229 --> 00:30:30,168
brain-rattling stuff.
526
00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:32,364
In bed by 11, unless
you're making a night of it
527
00:30:32,432 --> 00:30:34,734
at the pub with your cronies.
528
00:30:35,803 --> 00:30:39,537
Passable. You're still a
little shaky on accuracy.
529
00:30:39,606 --> 00:30:41,879
And I fear you've
missed my point
530
00:30:41,914 --> 00:30:44,546
about the classics entirely.
531
00:30:45,349 --> 00:30:49,183
He that neither knoweth
nor will be taught
532
00:30:49,218 --> 00:30:51,883
by the instruction of the wise,
533
00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:55,953
this man is not Herodotus.
534
00:30:58,864 --> 00:31:00,397
He knew a thing or two.
535
00:31:02,329 --> 00:31:03,862
That's not Herodotus.
536
00:31:05,132 --> 00:31:06,967
It's Hesiod.
537
00:31:07,002 --> 00:31:08,236
Prove it.
538
00:31:08,305 --> 00:31:11,071
It's from his poem
"Days in work."
539
00:31:11,107 --> 00:31:12,376
I have it somewhere.
540
00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:16,241
Here.
541
00:31:16,277 --> 00:31:18,778
Good lad! [laughs]
542
00:31:21,582 --> 00:31:24,214
My work was mostly
Latin and Greek.
543
00:31:25,150 --> 00:31:30,388
Homer first. Oh still relish
the brightness and music of it.
544
00:31:30,490 --> 00:31:33,463
Then the two great bores,
545
00:31:34,465 --> 00:31:38,333
Cicero and Demosthenes
could not be avoided.
546
00:31:38,368 --> 00:31:42,599
Followed by Lucretius.
Oh, the glory!
547
00:31:42,634 --> 00:31:45,607
Herodotus, Aeschylus, Euripides.
548
00:31:46,813 --> 00:31:48,107
Had no taste for Virgil.
549
00:31:48,876 --> 00:31:52,075
In the evening we mastered
French, Italian and German
550
00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:55,551
plunging into the likes of
Voltaire, Faust in the inferno.
551
00:31:57,486 --> 00:32:01,926
[sighs] Kirk was my
great teacher.
552
00:32:01,961 --> 00:32:04,759
My debt remains to this day.
553
00:32:05,595 --> 00:32:08,627
As for religion, he was
a Presbyterian atheist.
554
00:32:08,696 --> 00:32:11,435
On Sundays, he gardened
in nicer clothes.
555
00:32:13,102 --> 00:32:15,734
[pensive music]
556
00:32:15,769 --> 00:32:19,840
Among the poets I was
reading at the time,
557
00:32:20,509 --> 00:32:25,515
one stood apart, William
Butler Yeats.
558
00:32:26,218 --> 00:32:28,314
He believed that there
was a world
559
00:32:28,383 --> 00:32:29,715
beyond the material curtain
560
00:32:29,751 --> 00:32:33,457
and that contact with
that world was possible.
561
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:37,790
Oh, I regarded Yeats as a
learned responsible writer.
562
00:32:37,859 --> 00:32:41,327
Later when I met him, I
was awed by his personality
563
00:32:41,363 --> 00:32:43,068
and he rejected the whole
564
00:32:43,103 --> 00:32:46,471
materialist philosophy
out of hand.
565
00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:50,406
If Yeats had been a Christian,
I would have discounted him.
566
00:32:50,442 --> 00:32:54,874
I had Christians placed,
disposed of for ever.
567
00:32:56,116 --> 00:33:00,115
Yeats offered something
else, a perhaps.
568
00:33:00,151 --> 00:33:01,682
And through this perhaps,
569
00:33:01,751 --> 00:33:05,484
a drop of disturbing doubt
fell into my materialism
570
00:33:05,519 --> 00:33:07,024
and introduced me to something
571
00:33:07,060 --> 00:33:08,886
I've had trouble
with ever since,
572
00:33:08,921 --> 00:33:12,196
a ravenous desire for
the supernatural.
573
00:33:12,231 --> 00:33:15,862
Or to put it bluntly,
the occult.
574
00:33:16,803 --> 00:33:19,404
[eerie music]
575
00:33:26,410 --> 00:33:29,480
I once tried to describe
it in a novel.
576
00:33:29,515 --> 00:33:34,285
It's a spiritual lust and
like the lust of the flesh
577
00:33:34,321 --> 00:33:36,648
has the fatal power of
making everything else
578
00:33:36,684 --> 00:33:38,984
seem uninteresting
while it lasts.
579
00:33:40,257 --> 00:33:42,293
Oh I loved the vagueness of it.
580
00:33:42,328 --> 00:33:47,565
Circles, pentangles,
Ouija boards, seances,
581
00:33:48,135 --> 00:33:51,736
all seemed able to
raise a spirit.
582
00:33:51,772 --> 00:33:53,197
Oh, this magic!
583
00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:57,740
No connection of my atheism
swayed me in different moods.
584
00:33:57,808 --> 00:34:02,079
And that it was scorned by both
Christians and rationalists
585
00:34:02,114 --> 00:34:04,976
appealed to the rebel in me.
586
00:34:05,012 --> 00:34:10,455
My descent was from
eccentricity to perversity.
587
00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,624
The world and the flesh
had made their appearance.
588
00:34:15,258 --> 00:34:18,089
Now came the devil.
589
00:34:20,498 --> 00:34:22,229
Had there been an elder
in the neighborhood
590
00:34:22,265 --> 00:34:24,599
who dabbled in dirt,
591
00:34:24,667 --> 00:34:28,602
oh they have a nose for
potential disciples,
592
00:34:28,638 --> 00:34:33,478
I might now be a Satanist
or a maniac.
593
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:40,419
Then, in the super abundance
of mercy,
594
00:34:41,716 --> 00:34:44,220
came that event which
I have attempted
595
00:34:44,255 --> 00:34:46,986
to describe in many of my books.
596
00:34:52,629 --> 00:34:54,929
I was in the habit of
walking a few miles
597
00:34:54,964 --> 00:34:59,438
to Leatherhead Station and
taking the train back to Kirk's.
598
00:35:04,740 --> 00:35:07,279
While waiting for the
train I rummaged in
599
00:35:07,314 --> 00:35:10,108
the second hand bookstore
and picked out
600
00:35:10,143 --> 00:35:15,586
an unusual title, "Phantastes"
by George MacDonald.
601
00:35:17,420 --> 00:35:19,789
It looked a little unusual.
602
00:35:20,792 --> 00:35:25,827
I hadn't the faintest notion
of what I'd let myself in for.
603
00:35:27,197 --> 00:35:28,098
This one please.
604
00:35:28,134 --> 00:35:30,469
A tuppence, please sir.
605
00:35:31,868 --> 00:35:35,603
Thank you very much sir.
[conductors whistle blows]
606
00:35:35,638 --> 00:35:40,875
Sorry.
[man grumbles indistinctly]
607
00:35:55,793 --> 00:35:59,462
As I began to read my new
book, I was electrified.
608
00:35:59,497 --> 00:36:02,532
I felt like a miner who
had struck gold.
609
00:36:02,567 --> 00:36:05,530
In those pages I met
all that had charmed me
610
00:36:05,599 --> 00:36:07,831
in Yeats and others.
611
00:36:07,866 --> 00:36:09,770
Yet, everything was changed.
612
00:36:09,805 --> 00:36:12,340
The bright shadow coming
out of this book,
613
00:36:12,375 --> 00:36:14,137
transformed everything
614
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:17,681
and it would affect my
own writing forever.
615
00:36:19,419 --> 00:36:21,778
It was as if I had died
in the old country
616
00:36:21,814 --> 00:36:23,654
and come alive in the new,
617
00:36:23,689 --> 00:36:28,659
all my occult and erotic
fantasies began to feel sordid.
618
00:36:28,694 --> 00:36:33,727
Disarmed, what I really
wanted was just out of reach.
619
00:36:33,795 --> 00:36:36,500
Not because of something
I could not do,
620
00:36:36,536 --> 00:36:40,372
but because of something
I could not stop doing.
621
00:36:40,407 --> 00:36:45,170
Oh, if I could only let
go, unmake myself.
622
00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:50,076
I did not know the name
of this new quality.
623
00:36:51,348 --> 00:36:54,553
Oh I do now. Holiness.
624
00:36:55,685 --> 00:36:58,519
That night as I read
"Phantastes"
625
00:36:58,554 --> 00:37:02,121
my imagination was baptized.
626
00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:07,698
The rest of me took
a little longer.
627
00:37:10,630 --> 00:37:13,869
[gentle music]
628
00:37:13,904 --> 00:37:16,235
I first met it as a memory
that would arise suddenly
629
00:37:16,303 --> 00:37:21,140
without warning from the depth
of not years, but centuries.
630
00:37:23,645 --> 00:37:26,451
The memory was from childhood
631
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,918
when my brother brought
the lid of a biscuit tin
632
00:37:29,953 --> 00:37:34,525
garnished with twigs and
flowers to make a toy garden.
633
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:38,630
It was the first beauty
I had ever known,
634
00:37:39,330 --> 00:37:41,899
a sensation of desire.
635
00:37:42,702 --> 00:37:46,196
But before I knew what I
desired, the desire was gone,
636
00:37:46,231 --> 00:37:49,674
withdrawn, the world
turned common again.
637
00:37:51,942 --> 00:37:56,646
Since then my constant
endeavor was to get it again,
638
00:37:56,714 --> 00:38:00,146
in reading every book,
going on every walk,
639
00:38:00,816 --> 00:38:04,618
listening to every
piece of music.
640
00:38:04,653 --> 00:38:08,122
Occasionally the sky would turn.
641
00:38:08,190 --> 00:38:13,632
Far more often, I frightened
it away by my greed to have it.
642
00:38:20,272 --> 00:38:22,300
I call this desire, joy,
643
00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,408
which must be distinguished
very sharply
644
00:38:25,443 --> 00:38:26,841
from happiness or pleasure,
645
00:38:26,910 --> 00:38:30,675
except that anyone who
has ever experienced joy
646
00:38:30,744 --> 00:38:32,813
will want it again.
647
00:38:32,848 --> 00:38:34,680
Apart from that, it
might be called
648
00:38:34,749 --> 00:38:38,217
a particular kind of grief,
649
00:38:39,754 --> 00:38:41,252
but then it's the kind we want.
650
00:38:41,287 --> 00:38:45,730
It is the scent of a
flower we have not found,
651
00:38:46,862 --> 00:38:50,735
the echo of a tune
we've not heard.
652
00:38:52,034 --> 00:38:56,708
News from a country we
have not yet visited.
653
00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:01,174
Oh, I doubt that anyone
who has ever tasted joy
654
00:39:02,343 --> 00:39:06,311
would exchange it for all
the pleasures in the world.
655
00:39:08,149 --> 00:39:13,087
But joy is never in our
path. And pleasure is.
656
00:39:20,795 --> 00:39:23,866
At 18, I arrived at Oxford,
657
00:39:23,902 --> 00:39:27,635
the fabled cluster of
towers and dreaming spires
658
00:39:27,670 --> 00:39:30,336
had never looked more beautiful.
659
00:39:31,272 --> 00:39:35,274
Less than a term later,
like most of my generation,
660
00:39:35,974 --> 00:39:37,548
I enlisted in the army,
661
00:39:37,583 --> 00:39:39,850
was sent to the front
lines in France,
662
00:39:40,584 --> 00:39:43,414
on my 19th birthday to be exact.
663
00:39:46,021 --> 00:39:50,295
First bullet I heard
brought not fear,
664
00:39:50,363 --> 00:39:54,563
but the thought, this is war.
665
00:39:54,598 --> 00:39:56,966
This is what Homer wrote about.
666
00:39:57,935 --> 00:40:01,938
Five months later, I was
wounded and sent home.
667
00:40:02,672 --> 00:40:04,375
In between, I had the good luck
668
00:40:04,410 --> 00:40:06,272
to fall sick with trench fever.
669
00:40:07,708 --> 00:40:09,940
[gentle music]
670
00:40:10,009 --> 00:40:11,781
Compared to the trenches,
671
00:40:11,849 --> 00:40:15,380
a hospital bed and a
book were heaven itself.
672
00:40:17,988 --> 00:40:19,949
And how are you
tonight Lieutenant Lewis?
673
00:40:20,018 --> 00:40:21,893
Fine. Thank you nurse.
674
00:40:22,763 --> 00:40:26,064
Well Stanley. Time for
your inspection, I think.
675
00:40:26,099 --> 00:40:26,826
Yes nurse.
676
00:40:26,861 --> 00:40:28,259
Except that the night nurse
677
00:40:28,295 --> 00:40:32,096
was conducting a furious
affair with my roommate.
678
00:40:32,132 --> 00:40:34,873
I was too sick to
be embarrassed,
679
00:40:34,908 --> 00:40:39,272
but the sound of two lovers
whispering in the nighttime
680
00:40:40,247 --> 00:40:42,473
is a tedious noise.
681
00:40:45,281 --> 00:40:49,354
It was here I first read G.K
Chesterton. Never heard of him.
682
00:40:49,422 --> 00:40:51,120
Had no idea what he stood for,
683
00:40:51,155 --> 00:40:54,491
nor could I understand why it
made such a conquest of me.
684
00:40:54,526 --> 00:40:56,255
His humor was the kind I like.
685
00:40:56,290 --> 00:41:00,298
No, not jokes, still
less a tone of flippancy.
686
00:41:00,333 --> 00:41:02,494
Oh that I cannot endure.
687
00:41:03,330 --> 00:41:08,300
Rather his humor was the
bloom of his argument.
688
00:41:08,369 --> 00:41:11,305
Strange as it seems I
liked him for his goodness.
689
00:41:11,340 --> 00:41:15,540
Oh not that it had anything
to do with being good myself.
690
00:41:15,575 --> 00:41:19,845
I did not have the cynics nose
for hypocrisy and smugness
691
00:41:19,881 --> 00:41:22,516
so common among my peers.
692
00:41:22,585 --> 00:41:25,450
[nurse giggling]
693
00:41:29,796 --> 00:41:32,662
In Chesterton, as in
MacDonald, I did not know
694
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:34,627
what I was letting
myself in for.
695
00:41:35,297 --> 00:41:38,636
A young man who wishes
to remain a sound atheist
696
00:41:38,671 --> 00:41:40,872
cannot be too careful
of his reading.
697
00:41:44,076 --> 00:41:48,407
After my convalescence, I
returned to the front lines.
698
00:42:07,661 --> 00:42:08,559
Wait.
699
00:42:17,073 --> 00:42:18,275
Turn off the light!
[gunshots blasting]
700
00:42:18,311 --> 00:42:20,912
[men yelling]
701
00:42:23,350 --> 00:42:26,445
[explosions booming]
702
00:42:32,090 --> 00:42:36,757
The moment I was hit and
found that I was not breathing
703
00:42:36,793 --> 00:42:39,227
I concluded this is death.
704
00:42:40,295 --> 00:42:44,595
I felt no fear, no
courage, just the thought,
705
00:42:45,637 --> 00:42:48,973
here lies a man who died.
706
00:42:49,938 --> 00:42:52,070
It wasn't even interesting.
707
00:42:52,105 --> 00:42:53,469
The fruit of this experience
708
00:42:53,505 --> 00:42:56,506
is there appeared a
fully conscious I,
709
00:42:56,542 --> 00:43:00,347
whose connection with
me was coming to an end.
710
00:43:00,382 --> 00:43:05,253
And I, whoever that may be,
cared not two farthings.
711
00:43:06,022 --> 00:43:08,322
Oh, it was more than
an abstraction.
712
00:43:09,823 --> 00:43:10,756
I tasted it.
713
00:43:10,792 --> 00:43:13,492
[somber music]
714
00:43:17,862 --> 00:43:22,435
As for the rest of the war,
the cold, the fear, the fright.
715
00:43:24,376 --> 00:43:25,636
The corpses.
716
00:43:27,607 --> 00:43:31,477
It was a ghastly interruption
to rational life.
717
00:43:33,447 --> 00:43:36,955
Now it feels like it
happened to someone else.
718
00:43:39,418 --> 00:43:42,026
Except for the recurring
nightmares.
719
00:43:49,094 --> 00:43:52,001
[expectant music]
720
00:43:52,070 --> 00:43:56,401
When I returned to Oxford,
I put on a new look,
721
00:43:56,437 --> 00:43:59,538
which meant to act with
the greatest good sense,
722
00:43:59,573 --> 00:44:04,147
and to have no more flirtations
with the supernatural.
723
00:44:07,381 --> 00:44:10,482
Directly after the war,
I spent a fortnight
724
00:44:10,551 --> 00:44:14,187
with a man I'd dearly
loved, who was going mad.
725
00:44:14,256 --> 00:44:17,257
I held him as he wallowed
on the floor
726
00:44:17,292 --> 00:44:21,532
and screamed "Devils are
tearing me apart.
727
00:44:21,567 --> 00:44:24,568
I'm falling into hell."
728
00:44:24,637 --> 00:44:26,199
I knew this man had flirted
729
00:44:26,234 --> 00:44:29,367
with all sorts of occult
ideas as I had.
730
00:44:29,435 --> 00:44:32,142
Oh, perhaps there was
no connection,
731
00:44:32,178 --> 00:44:36,180
but I took it as a warning
to stay on the beaten track,
732
00:44:36,215 --> 00:44:41,415
the approved material center
of the road with the lights on.
733
00:44:45,519 --> 00:44:48,289
The early days of my new
look were quite happy,
734
00:44:48,325 --> 00:44:52,358
busy engaged in my studies
of classics, philosophy.
735
00:44:52,393 --> 00:44:54,597
At that time we were all
swept up by Freud
736
00:44:54,666 --> 00:44:57,201
and his new psychology.
737
00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:02,170
By my mid 20s, I was elected
a fellow at Magdalen College,
738
00:45:02,205 --> 00:45:04,735
hence my career as a
scholar and tutor began.
739
00:45:06,073 --> 00:45:07,307
After you dear boy.
740
00:45:07,343 --> 00:45:09,176
The answer of course,
is that [indistinct].
741
00:45:09,212 --> 00:45:11,409
They even provided
rooms for me here,
742
00:45:11,477 --> 00:45:14,679
to read, to write
for my tutorials.
743
00:45:16,181 --> 00:45:17,517
I had arrived.
744
00:45:20,022 --> 00:45:21,356
I felt like I'd found a home
745
00:45:21,391 --> 00:45:24,192
with some of the finest
scholars I would ever meet.
746
00:45:24,227 --> 00:45:28,232
We were young, clear-headed,
invincible.
747
00:45:29,102 --> 00:45:32,731
Then one day, my very dear
friend, Owen Barfield,
748
00:45:32,799 --> 00:45:36,501
who satisfied my hunger for
debate and rational opposition
749
00:45:36,536 --> 00:45:40,111
announced that he had
changed his views.
750
00:45:41,279 --> 00:45:46,280
He was no longer a materialist
and had become a theist.
751
00:45:46,315 --> 00:45:48,919
I was shocked. I thought
Barfield was safe.
752
00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:51,218
He came from such a free-thinkig
family.
753
00:45:51,253 --> 00:45:53,958
He'd barely even heard
of Christianity.
754
00:45:53,993 --> 00:45:56,627
Barfield bought up all
the abominations:
755
00:45:56,662 --> 00:45:59,358
God, spirit, afterlife.
756
00:45:59,393 --> 00:46:03,065
I said, "Dammit Owen,
it's medieval."
757
00:46:03,100 --> 00:46:05,730
[Jack] Dammit Owen,
it's medieval.
758
00:46:07,504 --> 00:46:09,574
[Owen] You may say that
Jack, but the medieval world
759
00:46:09,609 --> 00:46:10,736
has a lot to teach us.
760
00:46:11,439 --> 00:46:14,077
[Jack] You mean that
the world is flat.
761
00:46:14,113 --> 00:46:17,247
Oh come on Jack, be
serious. Open your mind.
762
00:46:18,617 --> 00:46:19,877
[Jack] I have.
763
00:46:19,912 --> 00:46:23,787
And as a wise man once said to
me, he that neither knoweth-
764
00:46:23,822 --> 00:46:25,849
- This started our great war,
765
00:46:25,884 --> 00:46:29,259
our philosophic disputation
that lasted for years.
766
00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:32,425
I remember Barfield asking:
767
00:46:32,461 --> 00:46:35,997
Jack, do you believe
that logic and reason
768
00:46:36,065 --> 00:46:37,765
bring forth indisputable truth?
769
00:46:37,801 --> 00:46:39,003
[Jack] I do.
770
00:46:39,071 --> 00:46:40,297
And are your moral
and aesthetic judgments
771
00:46:40,332 --> 00:46:41,703
valid and meaningful?
772
00:46:41,738 --> 00:46:43,006
They are.
773
00:46:43,075 --> 00:46:45,605
Well then materialism
must be abandoned.
774
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:47,638
There is a hopeless discord
between what our minds
775
00:46:47,673 --> 00:46:50,241
claim to be and what
they really must be
776
00:46:50,276 --> 00:46:51,976
if materialism is true.
777
00:46:52,645 --> 00:46:56,317
We claim our minds to
be reason-perceiving
778
00:46:56,353 --> 00:46:58,414
universal intellectual
principles, moral laws,
779
00:46:58,450 --> 00:47:00,290
and possessing free will.
780
00:47:00,326 --> 00:47:03,523
But if materialism is true,
our minds must in reality,
781
00:47:03,592 --> 00:47:06,863
be merely chance arrangements
of atoms in skulls.
782
00:47:06,898 --> 00:47:08,264
I of course, argued back.
783
00:47:08,300 --> 00:47:10,828
We are to accept reality
as it is revealed to us
784
00:47:10,897 --> 00:47:15,039
by our senses and the findings
of science have concluded
785
00:47:15,074 --> 00:47:17,303
that human reason is merely
cognitive maps
786
00:47:17,339 --> 00:47:18,669
resulting from natural
selection,
787
00:47:18,738 --> 00:47:22,376
with random mutations
over millions of years
788
00:47:22,412 --> 00:47:24,747
to confer on humans a
reproductive advantage
789
00:47:24,816 --> 00:47:26,250
over other species.
790
00:47:27,413 --> 00:47:29,185
I had to say something.
791
00:47:29,220 --> 00:47:32,687
I'd been defending materialism
for years.
792
00:47:32,722 --> 00:47:33,587
Look.
793
00:47:34,927 --> 00:47:36,755
If my clearest reasoning
tells me
794
00:47:36,791 --> 00:47:39,693
that my mind is nothing more
than the accidental result
795
00:47:39,728 --> 00:47:44,167
of atoms colliding in skulls,
there must be some mistake.
796
00:47:44,203 --> 00:47:46,667
How should I trust my
mind when it tells me
797
00:47:46,702 --> 00:47:50,072
that my most profound thoughts
are merely mental patterns
798
00:47:50,141 --> 00:47:52,375
resulting from heredity
and physics?
799
00:47:55,346 --> 00:47:59,048
Barfield's notion that
if materialism is true
800
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:01,511
my conscious mind
is nothing more
801
00:48:01,546 --> 00:48:04,453
than atoms colliding in skulls.
802
00:48:06,652 --> 00:48:08,818
This was simply unbelievable
to me.
803
00:48:08,853 --> 00:48:11,889
I could not force my
thought into that shape
804
00:48:11,924 --> 00:48:15,429
any more than I could scratch
my ear with my big toe.
805
00:48:15,464 --> 00:48:19,169
It was as final as a
physical impossibility.
806
00:48:19,204 --> 00:48:23,073
Mind, reason, imagination,
consciousness
807
00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:25,436
must be more than mere
biochemistry.
808
00:48:25,504 --> 00:48:28,671
It must be a real participation.
809
00:48:28,707 --> 00:48:32,647
Something further
up, further in.
810
00:48:33,416 --> 00:48:38,619
Rock-bottom reality had
to be intelligent.
811
00:48:40,759 --> 00:48:41,785
[pensive music]
812
00:48:41,821 --> 00:48:44,389
It's astonishing I've
not seen this before.
813
00:48:44,424 --> 00:48:46,595
Willful blindness, I suppose.
814
00:48:46,630 --> 00:48:50,629
And I was careful not to attach
rock-bottom reality to God,
815
00:48:50,698 --> 00:48:54,468
my skepticism would not
allow me to go that far.
816
00:48:54,503 --> 00:48:57,737
Rather I attached it
to the universe itself.
817
00:49:00,077 --> 00:49:02,477
Still it had immense potency.
818
00:49:02,546 --> 00:49:06,483
Behind the material curtain
lay the hidden glory.
819
00:49:06,518 --> 00:49:10,453
Barfield and I began to talk
religiously about an absolute.
820
00:49:11,555 --> 00:49:13,790
Of course, this was a
religion that cost nothing.
821
00:49:13,826 --> 00:49:15,858
It wasn't personal.
822
00:49:15,927 --> 00:49:16,952
It wouldn't do anything.
823
00:49:16,988 --> 00:49:19,963
It wouldn't lead to dark
places where men scream
824
00:49:19,998 --> 00:49:21,794
they're being dragged into hell.
825
00:49:22,735 --> 00:49:23,959
It was there.
826
00:49:23,995 --> 00:49:27,998
Never come here. Make
a nuisance of itself.
827
00:49:31,904 --> 00:49:35,805
Within the faculty, I
befriended Hugo Dyson
828
00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:40,384
and J.R.R. Tolkien,
both Christians.
829
00:49:41,552 --> 00:49:44,647
Oh these queer people were
popping up on every side.
830
00:49:44,682 --> 00:49:46,651
There was a wider disturbance.
831
00:49:46,687 --> 00:49:48,784
All my books were turning
against me.
832
00:49:48,820 --> 00:49:50,653
I must've been as
blind as a bat,
833
00:49:50,688 --> 00:49:52,155
not to have seen this before.
834
00:49:52,190 --> 00:49:55,466
George McDonald had done more
to me than any other writer.
835
00:49:55,501 --> 00:49:59,034
Of course he had that bee in
his bonnet about Christianity.
836
00:49:59,103 --> 00:50:01,171
He was good in spite of it.
837
00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:04,307
Spenser, Dante, Milton
had it too.
838
00:50:04,343 --> 00:50:07,109
I thought Chesterton the
most sensible man alive,
839
00:50:07,144 --> 00:50:09,378
apart from his Christianity.
840
00:50:09,413 --> 00:50:11,215
I was beginning to think
that Christianity
841
00:50:11,284 --> 00:50:14,716
was quite sensible apart
from its Christianity.
842
00:50:14,751 --> 00:50:18,456
On the other hand, those writers
who did not suffer religion
843
00:50:18,491 --> 00:50:21,392
and with whom my sympathies
ought to have been complete:
844
00:50:21,427 --> 00:50:26,396
Shaw, Wells, Gibbon,
Voltaire, seemed thin, tinny.
845
00:50:26,432 --> 00:50:29,293
Oh, they were all entertaining,
especially Gibbon,
846
00:50:29,329 --> 00:50:30,496
but hardly more.
847
00:50:30,532 --> 00:50:32,497
The roughness and
density of life
848
00:50:32,532 --> 00:50:35,002
did not appear in their books.
849
00:50:35,805 --> 00:50:38,869
I concluded that those with
untrained philosophic minds
850
00:50:38,938 --> 00:50:41,307
could come near the notion
of an absolute being
851
00:50:41,342 --> 00:50:43,313
by believing in a God.
852
00:50:43,348 --> 00:50:45,544
And I distinguished my
belief very sharply
853
00:50:45,580 --> 00:50:47,382
from the God of popular
religion.
854
00:50:47,417 --> 00:50:49,415
Oh there was no possibility
of being
855
00:50:49,483 --> 00:50:51,148
in a personal relation with him.
856
00:50:51,184 --> 00:50:55,356
I could no more meet him than
Hamlet could meet Shakespeare.
857
00:50:55,392 --> 00:50:57,421
And I did not call
him God, either.
858
00:50:57,457 --> 00:50:59,263
I called him Spirit.
859
00:50:59,298 --> 00:51:02,158
One must fight for one's
remaining comforts.
860
00:51:04,369 --> 00:51:06,732
About this time one of
my fellow tutors,
861
00:51:06,767 --> 00:51:08,901
the hardest boiled atheist
I'd ever known,
862
00:51:08,970 --> 00:51:12,410
sat in my rooms other side
of the fireplace and remarked
863
00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:16,341
"The evidence for the
historicity of the gospels,
864
00:51:16,376 --> 00:51:17,777
surprisingly good.
865
00:51:17,846 --> 00:51:21,385
Rum thing, all that mythology
about the dying god.
866
00:51:21,421 --> 00:51:25,115
Rum thing, looks as if
it really happened once."
867
00:51:26,056 --> 00:51:26,954
I was shattered.
868
00:51:27,657 --> 00:51:29,720
If he the cynic of
cynics, who's never since
869
00:51:29,756 --> 00:51:31,626
shown any interest
in Christianity
870
00:51:31,695 --> 00:51:34,832
were not as I still would
have thought him, safe,
871
00:51:34,867 --> 00:51:36,731
where can I turn?
872
00:51:41,304 --> 00:51:43,001
Before God closed in on me
873
00:51:43,871 --> 00:51:46,773
I was in fact offered a
moment of free choice.
874
00:51:46,809 --> 00:51:49,378
I was sitting on a bus
going up Headington Hills
875
00:51:49,413 --> 00:51:51,147
thinking I was wearing
a suit of armor,
876
00:51:51,182 --> 00:51:53,317
trying to keep something out.
877
00:51:53,352 --> 00:51:56,751
I could unbuckle the armor
or, keep it on.
878
00:51:57,452 --> 00:51:59,083
The choice felt momentous.
879
00:52:01,059 --> 00:52:02,086
I chose to unbuckle.
880
00:52:03,428 --> 00:52:05,822
Did not seem impossible
to do the opposite.
881
00:52:05,891 --> 00:52:08,158
The initiative did
not lie with me.
882
00:52:11,029 --> 00:52:12,929
If Hamlet and Shakespeare
could ever meet,
883
00:52:12,965 --> 00:52:14,931
it would have to be Shakespeares
doing,
884
00:52:14,966 --> 00:52:17,871
he could write himself
into the play.
885
00:52:21,841 --> 00:52:24,744
What I called Spirit
began to show
886
00:52:24,779 --> 00:52:27,680
an alarming tendency
to become personal.
887
00:52:27,749 --> 00:52:30,747
Into my mind, crept
a horrible novelty.
888
00:52:30,782 --> 00:52:32,454
I really believed something.
889
00:52:32,490 --> 00:52:34,523
And now that I had blundered
into that
890
00:52:34,592 --> 00:52:37,360
I knew I could play at
philosophy no longer.
891
00:52:37,428 --> 00:52:40,030
It was time something
should be done.
892
00:52:40,066 --> 00:52:42,664
The absolute had arrived.
893
00:52:42,699 --> 00:52:45,535
Making a nuisance of
itself, issuing a command.
894
00:52:45,571 --> 00:52:48,505
All my acts and desires
were to be brought in line
895
00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,674
with this absolute spirit
that I now believed.
896
00:52:55,446 --> 00:52:58,214
For the first time
I examined myself
897
00:52:58,250 --> 00:53:00,749
with a serious practical
purpose.
898
00:53:01,747 --> 00:53:04,918
What I found appalled me.
899
00:53:06,117 --> 00:53:09,887
Depth after depth of
pride, self admiration,
900
00:53:09,955 --> 00:53:13,089
a zoo of lusts, a bedlam
of ambitions,
901
00:53:13,125 --> 00:53:17,562
a nursery of fears, a
harem of fondled hatred.
902
00:53:17,597 --> 00:53:19,669
Oh, my name is legion.
903
00:53:21,036 --> 00:53:24,905
Amiable agnostics talk cheerfully
of man's search for God,
904
00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:27,807
may as well talk of the
mouse's search for the cat.
905
00:53:27,843 --> 00:53:30,179
All I ever wanted was
not be interfered with,
906
00:53:30,214 --> 00:53:32,514
to call my soul my own.
907
00:53:32,549 --> 00:53:35,883
Keep out, private. This
is my business.
908
00:53:35,919 --> 00:53:39,381
But no one talked glibly of
the comforts of religion.
909
00:53:39,450 --> 00:53:42,986
Is it a small thing to give
yourself blindly to a guide
910
00:53:43,021 --> 00:53:44,692
when his own showing
may very well
911
00:53:44,728 --> 00:53:47,495
be leading you to
poverty, ridicule, death?
912
00:53:47,531 --> 00:53:49,761
Oh, I knew I would
not allow myself
913
00:53:49,830 --> 00:53:52,267
to do anything intolerably
painful.
914
00:53:52,302 --> 00:53:53,598
I would be reasonable.
915
00:53:53,633 --> 00:53:55,969
Would it be reasonable?
916
00:53:58,177 --> 00:53:59,742
No assurance was offered.
917
00:54:00,574 --> 00:54:01,975
It was all or nothing.
918
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:07,585
As the dry bones shook in
Ezekiel's dreadful valley,
919
00:54:08,619 --> 00:54:11,947
the absolute spirit
began to stir and heave
920
00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:14,218
and throw off its grave clothes.
921
00:54:15,292 --> 00:54:19,993
He said, "I am the Lord.
922
00:54:21,660 --> 00:54:23,095
I am that I am.
923
00:54:25,299 --> 00:54:26,230
I am."
924
00:54:29,437 --> 00:54:32,236
[pensive music]
925
00:54:35,208 --> 00:54:38,077
You must picture me alone
in my room at Magdalen,
926
00:54:40,081 --> 00:54:43,451
night after night, feeling
whenever my mind lifted,
927
00:54:43,486 --> 00:54:45,653
even for a second, from my work,
928
00:54:45,688 --> 00:54:49,657
the steady unrelenting
approach of him
929
00:54:49,726 --> 00:54:53,191
whom I so earnestly desired
not to meet.
930
00:54:56,967 --> 00:55:01,034
That which I greatly feared
had at last come found me.
931
00:55:04,608 --> 00:55:09,845
In the Trinity term,
1929, I gave in.
932
00:55:12,647 --> 00:55:15,078
And admitted that God is God.
933
00:55:15,113 --> 00:55:17,919
Knelt and prayed perhaps
that night,
934
00:55:17,954 --> 00:55:22,891
the most dejected, reluctant
convert in all England.
935
00:55:32,702 --> 00:55:34,538
I did not then see
the divine love
936
00:55:34,573 --> 00:55:37,169
that would accept a
prodigal on such terms.
937
00:55:38,035 --> 00:55:39,872
Kicking, struggling, resentful,
938
00:55:39,907 --> 00:55:41,773
darting his eyes in
every direction,
939
00:55:41,808 --> 00:55:44,077
looking for a chance to escape.
940
00:55:45,411 --> 00:55:48,752
The hardness of God is kinder
than the softness of man.
941
00:55:50,949 --> 00:55:54,318
His compulsion is my liberation.
942
00:55:59,494 --> 00:56:02,260
[bells tolling]
943
00:56:12,141 --> 00:56:14,910
You must understand that the
conversion I just described
944
00:56:14,946 --> 00:56:18,514
was only to theism, pure and
simple, not Christianity.
945
00:56:18,550 --> 00:56:20,309
I knew nothing of
the incarnation,
946
00:56:20,345 --> 00:56:23,046
the God to whom I
surrendered was not human.
947
00:56:23,082 --> 00:56:25,421
I had no belief in
an after life.
948
00:56:25,489 --> 00:56:27,120
That to me, felt like a bribe.
949
00:56:28,991 --> 00:56:30,887
My argument against God
was that the universe
950
00:56:30,922 --> 00:56:32,455
was so cruel and unjust,
951
00:56:32,490 --> 00:56:35,892
but where had I got this
notion of cruel and unjust?
952
00:56:35,927 --> 00:56:37,095
I call a line crooked
953
00:56:37,163 --> 00:56:39,162
because I have some
idea of a straight line.
954
00:56:39,198 --> 00:56:41,164
What was I comparing
the universe with,
955
00:56:41,199 --> 00:56:43,771
when I called it cruel
and unjust.
956
00:56:43,806 --> 00:56:46,104
If the whole universe
has no meaning,
957
00:56:46,172 --> 00:56:49,304
I should never have
known it has no meaning.
958
00:56:49,340 --> 00:56:51,779
All of my reasonable
mind was convinced
959
00:56:51,814 --> 00:56:53,944
that the universe cannot
explain itself,
960
00:56:54,012 --> 00:56:55,615
that God is behind the universe,
961
00:56:55,650 --> 00:56:56,918
that he has purposes.
962
00:56:56,953 --> 00:57:00,119
And is to be obeyed
simply because he is God.
963
00:57:00,188 --> 00:57:02,958
I suppose my religion was
like that of the Jews.
964
00:57:07,597 --> 00:57:09,765
As soon as I became a theist,
965
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,468
I started attending my
parish church on Sunday.
966
00:57:12,503 --> 00:57:14,032
College chapel during the week.
967
00:57:14,067 --> 00:57:16,135
Not because I believed
in Christianity,
968
00:57:16,204 --> 00:57:19,970
but because I thought one
should fly one's flag.
969
00:57:20,038 --> 00:57:24,276
[congregation singing drearily]
970
00:57:27,652 --> 00:57:29,853
Church was an unattractive
affair.
971
00:57:32,220 --> 00:57:35,250
I like clergy as I like
bears, but I have no more wish
972
00:57:35,286 --> 00:57:37,421
to be in church as
to be in a zoo.
973
00:57:41,229 --> 00:57:45,836
Church to me meant ugly
architecture, bleed music,
974
00:57:45,904 --> 00:57:50,874
bad poetry, hymns are
extremely disagreeable to me.
975
00:57:54,243 --> 00:57:59,008
And the botheration of it
all, the crowds, the notices,
976
00:57:59,077 --> 00:58:01,819
the perpetual organizing.
977
00:58:04,252 --> 00:58:06,549
Before our final prayer,
a quick announcement,
978
00:58:06,584 --> 00:58:10,152
if you would like to join
Edith on the flower rota,
979
00:58:10,187 --> 00:58:12,028
she's desperate for volunteers,
980
00:58:12,063 --> 00:58:15,660
do please speak to her at the
back by the font afterwards.
981
00:58:15,695 --> 00:58:16,966
Let us pray.
982
00:58:17,935 --> 00:58:21,035
Lighten our darkness,
we beseech thee oh Lord
983
00:58:21,071 --> 00:58:25,034
and by thy great mercy
defend us from all perils
984
00:58:25,070 --> 00:58:27,141
and dangers of this night,
985
00:58:27,176 --> 00:58:32,080
for the love of Thy only
son, our savior Jesus Christ.
986
00:58:33,349 --> 00:58:34,214
Amen.
987
00:58:40,325 --> 00:58:43,190
[expectant music]
988
00:58:44,928 --> 00:58:47,797
My new conviction
in a higher being
989
00:58:47,832 --> 00:58:50,697
did not exactly make
me a paid-up member
990
00:58:50,733 --> 00:58:52,199
in the Church of England.
991
00:58:53,736 --> 00:58:56,671
But now that I believed in God,
992
00:58:56,706 --> 00:58:58,906
I wanted to know more of him,
993
00:58:58,941 --> 00:59:02,045
from any source, pagan
or Christian.
994
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:05,309
The question was no longer
to find the one true religion
995
00:59:05,345 --> 00:59:09,579
among many, but where
had the thing grown up.
996
00:59:10,723 --> 00:59:13,919
Paganism was the childhood
of religion.
997
00:59:13,954 --> 00:59:16,190
Where had it reached maturity?
998
00:59:17,292 --> 00:59:21,524
As for the materialists,
their view was out of court.
999
00:59:21,560 --> 00:59:25,263
If reason is only the
accidental result of atoms
1000
00:59:25,331 --> 00:59:29,231
colliding in skulls, I
could see no reason
1001
00:59:29,266 --> 00:59:31,106
to believe that one accident
1002
00:59:31,141 --> 00:59:34,307
should give the correct account
for all other accidents.
1003
00:59:38,115 --> 00:59:40,475
My allegiance was now
with the mass of humanity
1004
00:59:40,511 --> 00:59:44,482
who danced, sang and
prayed, worshiped.
1005
00:59:46,890 --> 00:59:48,953
There isn't really an
infinite variety
1006
00:59:48,988 --> 00:59:50,419
of religions you know.
1007
00:59:50,488 --> 00:59:53,123
To me, the only ones
worth considering
1008
00:59:53,158 --> 00:59:55,493
are Christianity and Hinduism.
1009
00:59:55,528 --> 00:59:58,562
Islam is only the greatest
of the Christian heresies.
1010
00:59:58,597 --> 01:00:01,936
Buddhism's only the greatest
of the Hindu heresies.
1011
01:00:01,972 --> 01:00:04,408
All that is best in
Judaism and Plato
1012
01:00:04,443 --> 01:00:06,303
survives in Christianity
1013
01:00:06,372 --> 01:00:09,673
and Hinduism bears no
historical claim.
1014
01:00:09,708 --> 01:00:12,542
That had been put into my head
by that hard-boiled atheist,
1015
01:00:12,578 --> 01:00:16,951
who said, "All that
mythology about a dying God
1016
01:00:16,986 --> 01:00:20,254
looks as if it really
happened once."
1017
01:00:21,555 --> 01:00:26,595
One day Tolkien and I took
a stroll on Addison's walk.
1018
01:00:26,630 --> 01:00:27,996
As we talked, I said.
1019
01:00:28,065 --> 01:00:32,165
Tollers, I have, with
considerable resistance,
1020
01:00:32,201 --> 01:00:37,436
come to believe in God,
but not Christianity.
1021
01:00:37,870 --> 01:00:39,173
Oh Jack.
1022
01:00:39,209 --> 01:00:41,273
I cannot believe something
I do not understand.
1023
01:00:41,308 --> 01:00:42,772
How can the life and
death of someone else,
1024
01:00:42,807 --> 01:00:46,644
whoever he was, 2000 years ago,
help us in the here and now.
1025
01:00:46,679 --> 01:00:50,020
When you meet a God sacrificing
himself in a pagan story
1026
01:00:50,055 --> 01:00:53,585
like Dionysus, Balder, Osiris
or even in a fairy tale,
1027
01:00:53,620 --> 01:00:57,192
you like it very much and
are mysteriously moved by it.
1028
01:00:57,227 --> 01:01:00,192
Provided you meet it anywhere
except in the gospels.
1029
01:01:00,227 --> 01:01:01,865
Well the story of
Christ is a myth,
1030
01:01:01,933 --> 01:01:03,628
working on us in the
same way as other myths,
1031
01:01:03,663 --> 01:01:07,070
with one tremendous difference
in that it really happened.
1032
01:01:10,439 --> 01:01:15,442
Suddenly a rush of wind
interrupted us, startling me.
1033
01:01:15,477 --> 01:01:19,845
So many leaves fell to the
ground I thought it was raining.
1034
01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:20,776
I held my breath.
1035
01:01:21,779 --> 01:01:24,118
Come on, Jack. You're
too slow to catch a cold.
1036
01:01:24,153 --> 01:01:25,884
You know Dyson hates
sitting on those steps
1037
01:01:25,953 --> 01:01:27,354
waiting to be let in.
1038
01:01:34,660 --> 01:01:37,600
I don't know if Tollers
remembered that moment.
1039
01:01:37,636 --> 01:01:40,497
I did. His words hit home.
1040
01:01:40,533 --> 01:01:44,173
No matter how unwilling,
I was beginning to move.
1041
01:01:58,253 --> 01:02:01,223
Tollers and I talked
deep into the night.
1042
01:02:02,022 --> 01:02:04,726
Hugo Dyson joined us.
1043
01:02:04,761 --> 01:02:07,763
Beef. Sensational pie.
1044
01:02:07,798 --> 01:02:09,463
You make a mess with that.
1045
01:02:10,199 --> 01:02:12,630
Now this stuff will put
hairs on your chest.
1046
01:02:13,703 --> 01:02:15,099
Here she is.
1047
01:02:15,134 --> 01:02:16,568
Make space would you.
1048
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:18,636
There we go.
1049
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:22,711
Look, I may be prepared
to accept Jesus
1050
01:02:22,747 --> 01:02:24,739
as a great moral teacher,
1051
01:02:24,808 --> 01:02:26,945
but I simply cannot accept
his claim to be God.
1052
01:02:26,981 --> 01:02:28,447
Oh, come on Jack.
1053
01:02:28,516 --> 01:02:31,118
How could a mere man be
called a great moral teacher
1054
01:02:31,187 --> 01:02:33,015
and say the sort of
things Jesus said?
1055
01:02:33,051 --> 01:02:34,657
Such as?
1056
01:02:34,726 --> 01:02:36,257
That he always existed.
1057
01:02:36,292 --> 01:02:38,027
That he was coming
again to judge the world.
1058
01:02:38,062 --> 01:02:41,230
Such men are judged
frauds, lunatics.
1059
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:44,563
In spite of my resistance,
1060
01:02:44,598 --> 01:02:47,769
they convinced me that
nothing else in all literature
1061
01:02:47,805 --> 01:02:49,636
is just like the gospels.
1062
01:02:50,305 --> 01:02:52,537
Myths are like it in
one way with its stories
1063
01:02:52,572 --> 01:02:55,241
of the miraculous,
histories like it in another
1064
01:02:55,276 --> 01:02:58,077
with its attention
to minute details,
1065
01:02:58,112 --> 01:03:01,380
but nothing is simply like it.
1066
01:03:01,415 --> 01:03:05,518
And no person is like
the person depicted.
1067
01:03:06,285 --> 01:03:07,318
I'm sure there are many people
1068
01:03:07,387 --> 01:03:09,253
who believe themselves
to be God.
1069
01:03:09,288 --> 01:03:11,827
Our hospitals are full of them.
1070
01:03:11,895 --> 01:03:14,096
Oh, come on Jack be serious.
1071
01:03:14,132 --> 01:03:16,161
No great moral teacher
has ever made that claim
1072
01:03:16,229 --> 01:03:17,701
except Jesus, and you know it.
1073
01:03:17,769 --> 01:03:20,295
And he went on and on and on.
1074
01:03:20,331 --> 01:03:21,501
What do you mean?
1075
01:03:22,774 --> 01:03:24,436
Well, claiming to forgive sins
1076
01:03:24,471 --> 01:03:26,137
and that he himself is
the injured party
1077
01:03:26,172 --> 01:03:27,473
in every transgression.
1078
01:03:27,509 --> 01:03:30,608
Look, in anyone else this
would be thought silly.
1079
01:03:30,644 --> 01:03:32,947
Suppose you told me that
two of your colleagues
1080
01:03:32,982 --> 01:03:34,082
had lost you a top professorship
1081
01:03:34,117 --> 01:03:36,613
by telling lies about
your character.
1082
01:03:36,648 --> 01:03:41,452
And I replied "Freely
forgive them both."
1083
01:03:41,488 --> 01:03:43,022
Would you not think
this sheer lunacy?
1084
01:03:43,091 --> 01:03:44,191
It would be sheer lunacy.
1085
01:03:44,259 --> 01:03:46,428
Yet, even those
who opposed Jesus
1086
01:03:46,463 --> 01:03:50,195
admitted that he expressed
moral truth of depth and purity
1087
01:03:50,263 --> 01:03:53,196
full of wisdom and shrewdness.
1088
01:03:53,265 --> 01:03:55,599
Wisdom and shrewdness.
1089
01:03:55,634 --> 01:03:57,805
You make him sound like
Solomon the great.
1090
01:03:57,840 --> 01:03:59,042
On the contrary,
1091
01:03:59,077 --> 01:04:00,474
history repeatedly calls
him humble and meek.
1092
01:04:00,509 --> 01:04:03,005
Not that you want to
notice that of course Jack.
1093
01:04:03,041 --> 01:04:04,941
Humility and meekness are the
last things one would ascribe
1094
01:04:04,976 --> 01:04:08,383
to someone who makes claims
worthy of being a megalomaniac.
1095
01:04:12,488 --> 01:04:16,122
The Great Knock taught
me to shame inconsistency.
1096
01:04:16,157 --> 01:04:17,960
If Jesus' statements are false.
1097
01:04:17,996 --> 01:04:19,996
Christianity is of
no importance.
1098
01:04:20,032 --> 01:04:23,793
If true, it is of infinite
importance,
1099
01:04:23,829 --> 01:04:28,271
but one thing it cannot be
is moderately important.
1100
01:04:30,105 --> 01:04:32,608
So what are you saying?
1101
01:04:33,444 --> 01:04:38,477
Simply that either this man
was, and is, the son of God
1102
01:04:38,546 --> 01:04:42,285
or else he is a liar,
a lunatic or a fraud,
1103
01:04:43,284 --> 01:04:44,581
but all this patronizing
nonsense
1104
01:04:44,650 --> 01:04:46,487
about him being some
great moral teacher,
1105
01:04:46,522 --> 01:04:50,392
it's not an option to us,
nor was it intended to be.
1106
01:04:52,358 --> 01:04:54,229
I felt a resistance to this
1107
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:57,893
almost as strong as my
resistance to theism.
1108
01:04:57,928 --> 01:05:01,169
Every step from the
absolute to spirit to God
1109
01:05:01,204 --> 01:05:04,274
was a step toward the
more concrete.
1110
01:05:04,342 --> 01:05:08,870
And now to accept the
incarnation that God became man
1111
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,807
was a further step in
the same direction.
1112
01:05:11,843 --> 01:05:15,285
Oh, this too was something
I had not wanted.
1113
01:05:19,421 --> 01:05:22,286
I remember very well when,
but hardly how,
1114
01:05:22,355 --> 01:05:24,888
the final step was taken.
1115
01:05:24,923 --> 01:05:27,858
I was being driven by my
brother Warnie to Whipsnade Zoo
1116
01:05:27,893 --> 01:05:30,932
in the sidecar of a
motorcycle one Sunday morning
1117
01:05:30,967 --> 01:05:32,896
in the autumn of 1931.
1118
01:05:33,731 --> 01:05:36,138
When we set out, I
did not believe
1119
01:05:36,173 --> 01:05:39,139
that Jesus Christ is
the son of God.
1120
01:05:39,174 --> 01:05:41,809
When we reached the zoo, I did,
1121
01:05:42,645 --> 01:05:46,844
I had not spent the journey
in thought, or great emotion.
1122
01:05:47,747 --> 01:05:50,480
It was more like a man
who, after a long sleep,
1123
01:05:50,516 --> 01:05:55,754
has become aware
he is now awake.
1124
01:06:01,993 --> 01:06:06,702
My conversion shed new
light on my search for joy.
1125
01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:11,340
The overwhelming longings
that emerged from "Phantastes"
1126
01:06:11,409 --> 01:06:15,405
and my brother's toy garden
were merely signposts
1127
01:06:15,440 --> 01:06:17,639
to what I truly desired.
1128
01:06:17,674 --> 01:06:20,282
They were not the thing itself.
1129
01:06:20,318 --> 01:06:23,682
I concluded that if I
find in myself a desire
1130
01:06:23,718 --> 01:06:27,754
that no experience in
this world could satisfy,
1131
01:06:27,790 --> 01:06:32,857
the most probable explanation,
I was made for another world.
1132
01:06:34,926 --> 01:06:37,961
At present we're on the
outside of that world,
1133
01:06:39,201 --> 01:06:41,030
the wrong side of the door.
1134
01:06:42,307 --> 01:06:45,740
We cannot mingle with
the splendors we see,
1135
01:06:46,609 --> 01:06:49,839
but all the leaves of the
New Testament are rustling
1136
01:06:49,875 --> 01:06:54,150
with the rumor that it
will not always be so.
1137
01:06:54,185 --> 01:06:58,421
One day, God willing,
we shall get in.
1138
01:07:02,425 --> 01:07:06,055
Meanwhile, the cross
comes before the crown
1139
01:07:07,361 --> 01:07:09,993
and tomorrow is another morning.
1140
01:07:11,569 --> 01:07:15,064
A cleft has opened in the
pitiless walls of this world,
1141
01:07:16,266 --> 01:07:21,037
and we have been invited to
follow our great captain inside.
1142
01:07:23,612 --> 01:07:28,451
Following him is of course
the essential point.
1143
01:07:30,450 --> 01:07:34,386
♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪
1144
01:07:34,421 --> 01:07:37,955
♪ Frosty wind made moan ♪
1145
01:07:39,828 --> 01:07:44,600
That Christmas, I took the
short walk to my parish church.
1146
01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:48,735
That walk marked the
end of one journey
1147
01:07:49,436 --> 01:07:51,705
and the beginning of another.
1148
01:07:53,912 --> 01:07:55,373
♪ Snow had fallen ♪
1149
01:07:55,408 --> 01:08:00,082
♪ Snow on snow on snow ♪
1150
01:08:00,117 --> 01:08:03,285
♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪
1151
01:08:03,354 --> 01:08:06,222
As I looked around,
I thought not only
1152
01:08:06,257 --> 01:08:08,888
of my own potential
glory hereafter,
1153
01:08:09,591 --> 01:08:12,660
but also that of my
neighbor's glory.
1154
01:08:14,259 --> 01:08:18,059
It is a serious thing to live
in a society of possible gods
1155
01:08:18,095 --> 01:08:20,601
and goddesses, to
remember that the dullest,
1156
01:08:20,636 --> 01:08:24,570
most uninteresting person
you meet may one day
1157
01:08:24,605 --> 01:08:27,202
be a creature that
if you saw it now,
1158
01:08:27,237 --> 01:08:30,942
you would be strongly tempted
to fall down and worship
1159
01:08:30,977 --> 01:08:35,414
or else a horror or a
corruption such as you now meet,
1160
01:08:35,449 --> 01:08:38,686
if at all, only in a nightmare.
1161
01:08:40,787 --> 01:08:43,018
All day long, we are
helping each other
1162
01:08:43,054 --> 01:08:47,662
to one or the other of
these two destinations.
1163
01:08:48,831 --> 01:08:51,664
It is in the light of these
overwhelming possibilities
1164
01:08:51,699 --> 01:08:55,098
that I should now conduct
all my dealings.
1165
01:08:58,868 --> 01:09:01,236
There are no ordinary people.
1166
01:09:02,674 --> 01:09:05,107
I've never met a mere mortal.
1167
01:09:05,143 --> 01:09:10,348
Nations, cultures,
civilizations, these are mortal.
1168
01:09:10,850 --> 01:09:14,184
Their life is to ours
as that of a gnat.
1169
01:09:14,954 --> 01:09:18,456
It is immortals whom we
joke with, work with,
1170
01:09:18,491 --> 01:09:23,530
marry, snub, exploit.
1171
01:09:23,632 --> 01:09:28,203
The weight or burden of
my neighbors glory
1172
01:09:28,238 --> 01:09:30,806
should be laid daily on my back.
1173
01:09:31,476 --> 01:09:36,711
A load so heavy, only
humility can carry it.
1174
01:09:38,449 --> 01:09:42,145
And the backs of the proud
will be broken.
1175
01:09:48,092 --> 01:09:52,390
♪ What can I give him ♪
1176
01:09:52,425 --> 01:09:57,099
♪ Poor as I am ♪
1177
01:09:57,134 --> 01:10:02,038
♪ If I were a shepherd ♪
1178
01:10:02,073 --> 01:10:06,702
♪ I would give a lamb ♪
1179
01:10:06,737 --> 01:10:11,509
♪ If I were a wise man ♪
1180
01:10:11,544 --> 01:10:16,251
♪ I would do my part ♪
1181
01:10:16,287 --> 01:10:21,320
♪ Yet what I can I give him ♪
1182
01:10:21,488 --> 01:10:24,726
♪ Give him my heart ♪
1183
01:10:36,541 --> 01:10:40,209
Christ our Passover
is sacrificed for us.
1184
01:10:40,244 --> 01:10:43,041
Therefore let us keep the feast.
1185
01:10:44,983 --> 01:10:47,650
[solemn music]
1186
01:10:57,428 --> 01:11:00,289
The body of our Lord
Jesus Christ.
1187
01:11:02,864 --> 01:11:06,229
Unlike my first
communion, 17 years earlier.
1188
01:11:07,401 --> 01:11:08,935
I now believed.
1189
01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:22,916
[uplifting music]
1190
01:11:24,618 --> 01:11:26,387
Okay. Thanks very much.
1191
01:11:26,422 --> 01:11:28,188
That's a cut there. Thank you.
1192
01:11:28,257 --> 01:11:29,485
Thank you Max.
1193
01:11:29,554 --> 01:11:30,719
Thank you.
1194
01:11:30,755 --> 01:11:33,993
[people chattering]
1195
01:12:26,480 --> 01:12:29,180
[gentle music]
1196
01:12:34,213 --> 01:12:39,213
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