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Copyright: 2005
Home Box Office, Inc.
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00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,467
(male announcer)
HBO presents
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00:00:10,534 --> 00:00:14,801
One Night Stand,
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00:00:14,868 --> 00:00:18,334
with comedian Bill Burr.
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00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:27,801
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bill Burr.
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00:00:27,868 --> 00:00:29,868
[cheers and applause]
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00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,767
Thank you.
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00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,133
Thank you.
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00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,767
All right,
thanks a lot.
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00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:39,500
Thank you so much.
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00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:41,200
[cheering continues]
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00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:42,601
Thank you.
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00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,968
For Christ's sake.
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00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:46,000
Thank you.
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00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:48,834
Thanks a lot.
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00:00:48,901 --> 00:00:52,434
I'm running out of ways to say
"thank you," for Christ's sake.
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00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,834
How's it going?
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00:00:54,901 --> 00:00:55,834
[people whoop and cheer]
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00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:58,000
Excellent.
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00:00:58,067 --> 00:01:00,200
I was in
a shitty mood today, man.
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00:01:00,267 --> 00:01:01,200
I was.
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00:01:01,267 --> 00:01:02,634
I was watching TV.
23
00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,200
You ever been in,
like, such a bad mood
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00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:06,834
that even when you're watching
bad shit happening to people,
25
00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:08,067
you're like,
"You know what?
26
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:10,234
"Good.
27
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:13,534
"You know,
I'm glad your life sucks.
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00:01:13,601 --> 00:01:16,167
It makes me feel better
about my own."
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00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:17,567
No, you know
what I was doing?
30
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,634
I was watching this--
you know those Fabulous Lives?
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00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:22,834
I was watching The Fabulous Lifeof the Olsen Twins, you know?
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00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:26,701
And they're like 18 years old;
they're, like, zillionaires.
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00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:27,901
They got a great apartment.
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00:01:27,968 --> 00:01:30,000
It's making me feel
like a loser.
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00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:33,200
Then halfway through it, I find
out one of them is anorexic.
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00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,234
I was like, "You know what?
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00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,734
All right."
38
00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:38,200
That makes me feel better.
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00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,300
You know,
I'm glad she's not eating.
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00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:46,167
Hope you pass out, whack
your head off your golden sink,
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00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:50,000
just to add
to my day.
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00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:51,267
You know what I don't get?
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00:01:51,334 --> 00:01:52,500
I don't get
how the other Olsen twin
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00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,701
only weighs half a pound more,
but she's fucking fine.
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00:01:56,934 --> 00:01:59,167
No, they're so starving,
they're weak.
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00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:01,100
That's why, whenever
they take a picture of them,
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00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,133
you ever notice they got
to, like, fucking lean them
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00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,567
up against each other,
so, like, they don't tip over?
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00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:11,601
They're, like, still trying
to look sexy.
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00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:15,901
They're not sexy.
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00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:18,667
They look like aliens.
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00:02:18,734 --> 00:02:19,667
They are, man.
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00:02:19,734 --> 00:02:21,234
You can't weight 42 pounds
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00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:24,133
and have your eyeballs
be 28 of that weight
55
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,200
and not look like
you're from outer space.
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00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:28,567
Like, when I look at them,
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00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:30,767
I think, "If ET was going
to have a threesome,
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00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:34,033
those are the two bitches
he'd hook up with."
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00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:35,934
He would.
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00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,767
He'd get
that glowing finger going.
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00:02:39,834 --> 00:02:41,434
Now I'm feeling
like a loser, man.
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00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,467
I am, man.
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00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:43,634
I'm fucking 36.
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00:02:43,701 --> 00:02:45,067
I'm not married,
you know?
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00:02:45,133 --> 00:02:47,200
I'm at that age where everybody
I know is getting married.
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00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,634
You know, let me
ask you a question.
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00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:51,000
Why the hell do people
keep getting married?
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00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:54,701
You know, isn't anybody
looking at the stats?
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00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:56,167
I mean, what's it like,
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00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:59,267
one out of two marriages
goes right down the shitter?
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00:02:59,334 --> 00:03:00,734
People, if you were
going skydiving
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00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:01,968
and they told you
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00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:05,400
half the parachutes
weren't going to open,
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00:03:05,467 --> 00:03:07,200
you'd be like,
"Yo, fuck that.
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00:03:07,267 --> 00:03:09,734
I'm not going."
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00:03:09,801 --> 00:03:11,067
[cheers and applause]
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00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:15,300
Yeah.
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00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,734
No, it's like,
I don't like those odds.
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00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:20,267
I get a 50% chance
of splatting on the ground.
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00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,601
I'm not doing it, right?
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00:03:21,667 --> 00:03:23,467
But there's something
about getting married,
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00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:24,968
people just have to do it.
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00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:27,267
They're just like, "Is this
the line to lose half my shit?
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00:03:27,334 --> 00:03:30,200
"Awesome.
85
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:32,767
"This is going
to be great.
86
00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:35,434
"I can't wait to lose
my car, my money.
87
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,334
"Oh, look,
the line's moving.
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00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:41,901
One step closer
to my own personal hell."
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00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:48,434
No, I don't think
I could ever get married, man.
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00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,534
Married dudes freak me out.
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00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:52,801
Anytime you ask a married guy
what's it like being married,
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00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,067
they always tell you
it's good,
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00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,667
but they always have
a look on their face
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00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:57,234
like they have,
like, an appendicitis.
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00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:58,667
You ever notice that?
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00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,701
You're like, "Dude, what's it
like being married?"
97
00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:02,234
They're like, "You know,
it's good; it's good.
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00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,367
"It's, uh--
99
00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:04,801
"No, no, it's good;
it's enjoyable.
100
00:04:04,868 --> 00:04:07,934
"You know, it's a lot of work,
but, uh, you know,
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00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,100
"I think when you meet
that special someone,
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00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,334
"there's a connection--
and I can't feel my legs.
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00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,467
"Let me just
lean over here.
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00:04:15,534 --> 00:04:21,634
You know, a woman completes
a man and some other metaphor."
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00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,133
No, you know
what freaks me out too, really?
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00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,367
When you go into a man's house,
there's nothing in there.
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00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:31,167
A married guy's house,
when you walk in there,
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00:04:31,234 --> 00:04:32,334
there's nothing in there
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00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,667
that even suggests
a man even lives there.
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00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:38,934
It's all potpourri and
throw pillows and that stupid
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00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:43,033
canopy, we-live-in-a-dollhouse
bullshit over the bed.
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00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:45,734
Where does
all the guy's stuff go?
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00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:46,868
They just throw it out.
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00:04:46,934 --> 00:04:48,434
They just walk
into your apartment--
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[feminizes voice]
"Oh, my God,
look at all your stuff.
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00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:53,968
"All your stuff is stupid.
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00:04:54,033 --> 00:04:56,334
"Look at all this stupid stuff.
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00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,534
"Wow, guys buy
really stupid stuff.
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00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:01,634
"Hey, you want to go
to the candle store?
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00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:03,133
"Let's go
to the candle store.
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00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,667
Wouldn't that be awesome?"
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00:05:04,734 --> 00:05:06,334
You ever been dragged
into that nightmare
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00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,734
for, like, an hour and a half,
90 minutes just sitting there--
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00:05:08,801 --> 00:05:10,767
[feminizes voice]
"This one smells like a pumpkin.
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00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:12,434
"Doesn't that smell
like a pumpkin?
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00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:13,834
"This one's
like a Christmas tree.
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00:05:13,901 --> 00:05:15,300
"Wouldn't that be great?
128
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,567
"Smell like Christmas in the
apartment, middle of summer--
129
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:21,634
just fuck
with your whole reality?"
130
00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:23,133
No, you know what it is?
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00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,601
I didn't have, like, a really
good model, necessarily,
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00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,033
like, growing up,
like, watching my parents.
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00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,701
They used to always argue
and shit, you know.
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00:05:27,767 --> 00:05:28,767
Like, I was afraid of my dad
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00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:30,033
when I was growing up,
you know?
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00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,234
Did anybody have
a dad like that?
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00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,767
You're just afraid of him.
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00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,767
You know, not like those
sitcom dads that come home,
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00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,868
the kids are, like,
hugging their legs.
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00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:38,267
My dad pulled in the driveway.
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00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:40,901
Me and my brothers freak like,
"Fucking Dad's home,"
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00:05:40,968 --> 00:05:43,334
shut off the TV,
tried to hide.
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00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,234
"Dude, if I stand like this,
do I look like a lamp?
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00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,467
"He won't see me, right?
145
00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:48,033
Can I just fucking
chill out here?"
146
00:05:51,467 --> 00:05:53,601
He wasn't understanding.
147
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:55,901
When you fucked up,
he told you.
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00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:58,033
He didn't sit down--"Well,
we're going to work it out.
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00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,634
We'll just--you know,
I still love you."
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00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:03,067
He'd look at you, "What
the fuck is wrong with you?
151
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:06,167
"Jesus Christ,
you're an idiot.
152
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:08,500
"Weren't you
even paying attention?
153
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:12,000
"Oh, bullshit.
154
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,601
"Christ,
you're just like your mother.
155
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:16,000
You're fucking out to lunch."
156
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:21,100
That was my dad.
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00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:22,500
No matter
what he was bitching about,
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00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:24,000
somehow he would
make it about my mother.
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00:06:24,067 --> 00:06:26,500
It would have nothing to do with
her, nothing to do with her.
160
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,667
He could somehow find
a connection and spin it back.
161
00:06:29,734 --> 00:06:30,968
He'd sit in the house--
"Ah, is it raining out?
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00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:32,934
"Oh, for Christ's sake,
I don't need this shit.
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00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,901
"Christ, it's the same
goddamn thing with your mother.
164
00:06:34,968 --> 00:06:39,634
"That woman is a fucking cloud
hanging over my life.
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00:06:39,701 --> 00:06:44,767
Anytime you got an idea,
Christ, she shits all over it."
166
00:06:46,868 --> 00:06:47,801
No, he was hilarious.
167
00:06:47,868 --> 00:06:49,567
He used to work all the time,
168
00:06:49,634 --> 00:06:51,767
so he didn't really have,
like, any friends or anything,
169
00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:54,367
so he used to talk to me
when I was eight years old
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00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,901
like I was
a fucking bartender,
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00:06:56,968 --> 00:06:59,667
just dumping
all this shit on me.
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00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:01,100
I'm, like, playing
in the sandbox.
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00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:02,634
He'd be coming up,
"I'll tell you, now,
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00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:05,000
"I don't know what the fuck
I ever got married for.
175
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,934
"I'll tell you, man,
I'm going to get the fuck out.
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00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,000
"I swear to God, one of these
days, when I get in the car,
177
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,567
"I'm going to fucking drive
out of here.
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00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:12,601
"Your mother's a bitch, Billy;
do you realize that?
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00:07:12,667 --> 00:07:16,534
The woman
is a fucking bitch."
180
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:19,968
Was that too real
for you guys?
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00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:21,567
You fucking know
what I'm talking about.
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00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:24,634
[cheers and applause]
183
00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:30,334
I will get married,
you know.
184
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,200
I'll definitely
get married someday, you know?
185
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:33,767
You know,
I love women and everything.
186
00:07:33,834 --> 00:07:35,868
I'm just finding I'm not,
like, compatible with them.
187
00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:37,234
You know what I mean?
188
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:38,667
You ever just feel that?
189
00:07:38,734 --> 00:07:40,500
Like, women have, like,
too much energy for me,
190
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:42,000
you know what I mean?
191
00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,033
Like, you can't have a day off
when you have a girlfriend.
192
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,667
You ever notice that?
193
00:07:45,734 --> 00:07:47,934
It's almost like they see that
open day, and they're like--
194
00:07:48,033 --> 00:07:50,434
[feminizes voice]
"Oh, my God, let's go
fill it up with shit."
195
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,901
No, then they just come at you
196
00:07:52,968 --> 00:07:56,267
with one horrible idea
after another.
197
00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:58,067
Horrible ideas like--
198
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:01,167
[feminizes voice]
"You want to make some
sandwiches and go to the park?
199
00:08:01,234 --> 00:08:03,367
"You want to go
to the container store
200
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:07,000
and get some containers
for your T-shirts?"
201
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:10,634
[cheers and applause]
202
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:11,801
This is the worst one.
203
00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:13,000
You ever get this one?
204
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,000
[feminizes voice]
"Want to go to brunch?
205
00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:17,567
You want to go
to brunch on Sunday?"
206
00:08:17,634 --> 00:08:22,133
And inside you're like,
"Fucking no,"
207
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,934
but you can't
say that, right?
208
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,634
You got to keep them happy,
so what do you do?
209
00:08:25,701 --> 00:08:27,801
You agree, like,
"Yeah, let's go to brunch.
210
00:08:27,868 --> 00:08:30,100
What a great idea."
211
00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:32,167
Why would you want
to sleep in on a Sunday
212
00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:34,100
when you can go pay
$18 for eggs?
213
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:36,834
Now you're thinking.
214
00:08:36,901 --> 00:08:38,634
Now you're thinking.
215
00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:41,033
Then we can sit around
and listen to your friends
216
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,734
have moronic conversations
about the eggs, like--
217
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:46,300
[feminizes voice]
"Is that pesto?
218
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:48,734
"Is that pesto
in your omelette?
219
00:08:48,801 --> 00:08:51,067
"Oh, it's asparagus.
220
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:52,067
"It's asparagus.
221
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:55,968
I thought it was pesto."
222
00:08:56,033 --> 00:09:00,167
Oh, you just want to flip
the whole fucking table over.
223
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:03,467
It's horrendous.
224
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:09,033
I'm trying to learn to pick
my battles when I date girls.
225
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,601
I usually argue
with women all the time.
226
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:12,000
Man, I'm stupid like that,
you know?
227
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:13,367
Like, I dated this girl
one time.
228
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,367
She was, like, really
into, like, women's issues,
229
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,400
so we used to always have
these dumb-ass arguments.
230
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,567
So one time
she came up to me,
231
00:09:18,634 --> 00:09:20,367
and she goes,
"Okay, explain this to me, Bill.
232
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:23,667
"Why does a guy make more an
hour to do the exact same job?
233
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:24,734
Huh? Hmm? Hmm?"
234
00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:26,300
I go, "I'll tell you why.
235
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,968
"Because in the unlikely event
that we're both on a Titanic
236
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:30,434
"and it starts to sink,
237
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:33,467
"for some fucked-up reason,
you get to leave with the kids,
238
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:35,901
and I have to stay."
239
00:09:35,968 --> 00:09:39,968
Yeah, that's why I get
the dollar more an hour.
240
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,934
No, think about it.
241
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,534
If there's a house fire, it's
always women and children first.
242
00:09:48,601 --> 00:09:51,667
I got to stand there with, like,
the back of my shirt on fire,
243
00:09:51,734 --> 00:09:56,334
going, "Let's go, people;
let's go; let's go."
244
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,500
So that's how I look at it.
245
00:09:58,567 --> 00:10:01,767
No, it's
a dollar-an-hour surcharge
246
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,667
that if something
fucked up happens,
247
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:06,734
either I can't leave or I got
to, like, get in the way of it
248
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:10,067
to give you a head start,
like, "Rabid dog; run, honey.
249
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:13,300
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi."
250
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,000
You hear a bump in the night;
I got to go check it out,
251
00:10:16,067 --> 00:10:20,667
like, "Yes, he does
have a knife."
252
00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:23,000
Any time
there's a hostage situation,
253
00:10:23,067 --> 00:10:24,901
who do they negotiate
for first?
254
00:10:24,968 --> 00:10:28,033
"Well, at least let
the women and children go."
255
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,968
Well, what about me?
256
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,434
Bullets hurt me too.
257
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:37,033
Why the fuck do I got
to stay in the vault?
258
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:40,100
[cheers and applause]
259
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,567
No, that's my point, man.
260
00:10:46,634 --> 00:10:49,267
Where are all the feminists
in those situations,
261
00:10:49,334 --> 00:10:50,267
you know what I mean?
262
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:51,901
You can't find them.
263
00:10:51,968 --> 00:10:53,701
There are no feminists
in a house fire.
264
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,334
That's a guarantee.
265
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,067
You could take
the most hard-core feminist,
266
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:58,467
some chick
right in your face like,
267
00:10:58,534 --> 00:10:59,934
"You chauvinistic
son of a bitch,"
268
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,234
little short, little haircut;
the whole nine yards, right?
269
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,901
The second
those flames break out,
270
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,334
she's going to twist those
little hairs into pigtails.
271
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,000
[feminizes voice]
"Ooh, I'm just a girl.
272
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:11,567
I want to go play jump rope,"
273
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,801
and leave you standing
in a burning house
274
00:11:13,868 --> 00:11:14,901
like you're not flammable.
275
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,801
You know,
but I'm not a dick, though.
276
00:11:20,868 --> 00:11:22,500
I'm not.
277
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,367
I'm not saying I think
a woman should make
278
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,067
a dollar less an hour
to do the same job.
279
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:28,234
All I'm saying is, if you're
going to make what I make,
280
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,434
when the boat sinks,
281
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,534
you better be standing
right there next to me,
282
00:11:31,601 --> 00:11:33,267
listening to that guy
play the cello.
283
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:35,534
Then you get
the corner office.
284
00:11:35,601 --> 00:11:40,367
You get all the benefits
of whatever.
285
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:43,000
So anyways, I was watching
George Bush today, man.
286
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,300
That guy scares
the shit out of me.
287
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,667
No, not because of, like, you
know, all that political stuff.
288
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:49,734
He's just, like,
too into Jesus for me.
289
00:11:49,801 --> 00:11:50,934
I get uncomfortable
with that.
290
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,601
When people get, like,
overly religious,
291
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:53,934
it kind of freaks me out,
you know?
292
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,567
You know what I mean?
293
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,734
Like, I don't mind--
294
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,434
I don't mind
when, like, black people
295
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:01,267
get really into Jesus,
though, you know,
296
00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:03,901
because, like, somehow, like,
the shit stays spiritual.
297
00:12:03,968 --> 00:12:06,634
You know, you get a couple
of good songs out of it.
298
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:08,033
You know what I mean?
299
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,567
People look like
they're having a good time.
300
00:12:10,634 --> 00:12:12,901
Somehow when, like,
white dudes get too into Jesus,
301
00:12:12,968 --> 00:12:16,500
all of a sudden, like,
shit catches on fire,
302
00:12:16,567 --> 00:12:18,634
people start dying,
303
00:12:18,701 --> 00:12:19,901
somebody says they're Jesus
304
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:23,300
and they try to fuck
every chick in the compound.
305
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:25,601
Then the FBI has got
the place surrounded.
306
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:28,100
That tank comes in, shooting
the flames out the front.
307
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:31,934
I'm not saying white dudes
308
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,767
are any more crazier
than black dudes.
309
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:37,133
It's just that
nobody's watching us.
310
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,934
That's the problem.
311
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,534
There's too much freedom.
312
00:12:41,601 --> 00:12:43,133
It's kind of like living alone,
313
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,300
you know, that same kind
of fucked-up freedom?
314
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:46,634
You ever feel
when you live alone,
315
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:49,267
you, like, slowly go crazy?
316
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,968
You know, because
you got too much freedom,
317
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:52,701
because everybody
does crazy shit,
318
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:54,901
but when you live alone and
start doing something crazy,
319
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:56,167
there's nobody there
to be like,
320
00:12:56,234 --> 00:13:00,033
"Dude, what the fuck
are you doing?
321
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,033
"What is wrong with you?
322
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,033
"What is that?
323
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,067
Put it down."
324
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:11,300
My girl's actually,
she's really, like, religious.
325
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:12,467
She goes to church every week,
326
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:14,367
and I never go,
and it freaks her out.
327
00:13:14,434 --> 00:13:15,734
She's like--
328
00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:17,534
[feminizes voice]
"Why don't you go to church?
329
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:18,868
"You don't believe in God
330
00:13:18,934 --> 00:13:21,200
"and Heaven and hell
and all that stuff, huh?
331
00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,467
Why don't you go?"
332
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:25,534
And it's not because I don't
believe in a higher power.
333
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:26,534
I definitely do.
334
00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:27,767
My thing is,
when I go to church,
335
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,100
I can't get past the fact
336
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:32,234
that I'm just listening
to some fucking guy.
337
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,500
You ever think of that shit
when you go in there?
338
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:36,200
That's just some dude.
339
00:13:36,267 --> 00:13:38,100
And people are like,
"No, that's a special guy."
340
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,834
No, it isn't.
341
00:13:40,901 --> 00:13:43,434
It isn't.
342
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,100
[cheers and applause]
343
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:46,968
Nah, he didn't,
like, levitate
344
00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,934
down from the ceiling like,
♪ "Ahhhhhh," ♪
345
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,400
with white light around him.
346
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:55,300
Why would you listen
to another human being
347
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,601
tell you where you're going
to go when you die?
348
00:13:57,667 --> 00:14:00,200
It's just like,
"Dude, have you ever been dead?
349
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:01,300
"No, great.
350
00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:02,667
"So wouldn't it
be safe to assume
351
00:14:02,734 --> 00:14:04,701
"that you wouldn't have
the slightest fucking idea
352
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:07,667
what you're talking about?"
353
00:14:07,734 --> 00:14:09,100
[cheers and applause]
354
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:12,067
Yeah, you're making it up.
355
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,934
You're making this shit up.
356
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:18,000
You're not fooling me
with the robes and the candles,
357
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:20,801
speaking in Old English--
"He said it unto you."
358
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:21,801
Shut the fuck up.
359
00:14:21,868 --> 00:14:25,434
You don't talk like that.
360
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,634
You're just some guy.
361
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:28,634
Your name's Jerry,
you played soccer,
362
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,267
you got your ass kicked
in gym class,
363
00:14:30,334 --> 00:14:34,067
and now you're doing this.
364
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,267
Acting like you're special.
365
00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:39,334
I can't do it.
366
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,734
I just--I can't
get past that fact.
367
00:14:40,801 --> 00:14:41,901
I'm sitting in church.
368
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,000
This guy's name's
fucking Cliff.
369
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,934
He was fucking born--
and just break the guy down,
370
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,334
and then I can't listen.
371
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,334
It's like, you want to listen
to another human being
372
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,300
tell you what to eat
and when to eat it?
373
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,934
"Don't eat meat
this Friday.
374
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,534
If you eat meat this Friday,
you are going to hell."
375
00:14:57,601 --> 00:14:59,567
It's like, "Dude, I'm going
to a cookout on Friday."
376
00:14:59,634 --> 00:15:02,400
"If you eat that fucking
cheeseburger, buddy,
377
00:15:02,467 --> 00:15:04,133
that is it for you."
378
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,267
Who is this guy?
379
00:15:06,334 --> 00:15:08,500
Dude, I'll eat a cheeseburger
whenever I want to.
380
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:10,868
And I'll jerk off;
it's my dick.
381
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:15,033
Why am I listening
to this guy?
382
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,267
I'll fucking jerk off
while I eat a cheeseburger.
383
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:19,701
What do you think about that?
384
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:20,868
I'm not hurting anybody.
385
00:15:20,934 --> 00:15:23,000
Why would God care?
386
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:23,968
I'm not hurting anybody.
387
00:15:24,033 --> 00:15:25,067
Think about it.
388
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,701
You eat a cheeseburger,
that's protein.
389
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:28,267
That's good
for your muscles, right?
390
00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:29,667
Now, I don't know
about you guys,
391
00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:32,634
but after I rub one out,
I'm all relaxed.
392
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:35,968
I'm less likely to lash out
at my fellow man.
393
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:38,701
I'm in a great space mentally.
394
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:40,133
I don't have any road rage.
395
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,667
I talk to telemarketers.
396
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:44,567
I'm buying the shit.
397
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:50,701
I think they just
make it all up.
398
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,767
But it's weird, though, because
I'm kind of feeling this thing
399
00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,267
because I haven't been
to church in a while.
400
00:15:54,334 --> 00:15:56,234
I'm kind of feeling like,
you know, I want to go back,
401
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:57,434
but I need
a new religion, man.
402
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,067
I'm kind of between
religions right now.
403
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,634
You know, like,
I used to be Catholic,
404
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:02,534
but, you know, I can't be
Catholic anymore, you know?
405
00:16:02,601 --> 00:16:04,234
I mean, once they started
fucking the kids,
406
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,133
I was just like,
"All right, dude, you know what?
407
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,434
"I'm out, okay?
408
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,868
"You guys party way too
fucking hard for me, okay?
409
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:14,133
"I got off
at about 22 exits ago.
410
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,968
"I didn't see
that page in the book.
411
00:16:16,033 --> 00:16:18,968
I don't know what
you guys are doing."
412
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:22,634
I can't believe
they're still in business.
413
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:25,934
People are still showing up.
414
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,300
Name one other business
that could survive that shit.
415
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:31,334
You think if they were
fucking kids at Wal-mart,
416
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,033
they could sell rakes the next
day and just try to play it off
417
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,100
like, "Yeah, we had
a little problem in aisle eight,
418
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,234
"but, you know, we got
some slacks over here.
419
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,801
"We got kitchen appliances.
420
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:43,367
We got some Hula-Hoops."
421
00:16:43,434 --> 00:16:46,400
[cheers and applause]
422
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:50,734
You guys
saw the Pope died?
423
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:51,934
You saw that, right?
424
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,267
Yeah, everyone
was flipping out.
425
00:16:53,334 --> 00:16:55,100
Man, I thought
that was a good thing.
426
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:56,434
I was, like,
happy for him, man.
427
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,267
He was in horrible health,
you know what I mean?
428
00:16:59,334 --> 00:17:02,767
Everybody just wanted the guy
to keep hanging on.
429
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,167
It's ridiculous.
430
00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:05,934
They're, like, wheeling him
from room to room,
431
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,601
and people
are still flipping.
432
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:09,868
[whimpering]
"Oh, my God, I think
he's going to die.
433
00:17:09,934 --> 00:17:11,400
"Do you think
he's going to die?
434
00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:13,467
I'm so--"
435
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:15,534
It's like, well, I think
he's going to go to Heaven.
436
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:19,100
I mean, it's got to be better
than that shit.
437
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:20,667
I bet the last two months
of his life,
438
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:22,133
he was just sitting
in that chair,
439
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,200
going, "God, I wish the world
would stop praying for me.
440
00:17:25,267 --> 00:17:28,033
"Just fucking let me go.
441
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:29,734
"Good Lord.
442
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:31,801
"I skied till I was 78.
443
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:33,400
"I had a great life.
444
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:37,234
Move on."
445
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,601
So they got a new Pope now.
446
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:40,500
They picked another
old, white dude, you know?
447
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,100
And actually in the running
448
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:43,634
was this black dude
from Nigeria, right?
449
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:45,701
They were actually
considering making him the Pope,
450
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:47,767
and I was kind of hoping
he was going to win, you know.
451
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,234
Not because I give
a fuck either way.
452
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,801
I just wanted to see
all the black comics
453
00:17:50,868 --> 00:17:52,267
doing bits, like,
the next day, like,
454
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:55,100
[fake voice]
"Oh, white people scared now.
455
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:58,400
"White people
is scared now.
456
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,868
"Yeah, the Pope
is black and shit.
457
00:18:00,934 --> 00:18:04,767
"It's going to be
a whole different story.
458
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,901
"He's going to come in
with the hat to the side.
459
00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:10,400
"Music's going
to be pumping.
460
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:11,934
"White people
in the front row,
461
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,567
'Gee, I don't know
what the fuck's going on.'
462
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:17,968
Because when black people
go to church--"
463
00:18:18,033 --> 00:18:21,067
Couldn't you just feel it?
464
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,767
That was like
a half hour of material
465
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:24,167
went out the fucking window
466
00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:27,367
the second they picked
another white dude.
467
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:28,834
It was endless.
468
00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,968
"Popemobile is going
to be pimped out,
469
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:34,200
"and you better not be
shooting at this Pope.
470
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:37,834
"A black Pope will be shooting
back at your ass...
471
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,567
because when white people
get shot--"
472
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:45,434
et cetera,
et cetera.
473
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,367
Actually, I had this black dude
moved in my building, man;
474
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:53,868
lives on the same floor as me.
475
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:56,267
He's one of these dudes,
every time--he's hilarious--
476
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:57,500
every time he says some shit,
477
00:18:57,567 --> 00:18:58,934
right after he's done
saying the shit,
478
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,734
he repeats, like,
the most important part
479
00:19:00,801 --> 00:19:02,067
of, like,
the previous sentence.
480
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:03,133
It's hilarious.
481
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,367
Everything he said
will be like,
482
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:05,767
"Yo, my man, came in.
483
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:07,767
He put that shit on the table--
put it on the table."
484
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:11,434
[cheers and applause]
485
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,400
It's hilarious.
486
00:19:13,467 --> 00:19:15,934
Everything he says.
487
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,534
"Now this country's
at war, son-- war."
488
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,801
I'm just looking
at my friend like,
489
00:19:22,868 --> 00:19:24,334
"Dude, did you hear him
the first time?
490
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,767
"'Cause I heard him
the first time.
491
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:26,968
"I was smiling;
I was nodding.
492
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,601
"Am I fucking
supposed to do that?
493
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,934
I mean, what am I
supposed to do?"
494
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,000
[laughs]
495
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:38,968
Actually, I got a couple friends
of African persuasion,
496
00:19:39,033 --> 00:19:42,868
and I got to get rid of them,
man, I'm gonna admit to you.
497
00:19:42,934 --> 00:19:45,000
I'm finding I'm spending
too much money on clothes
498
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,167
hanging out with them,
499
00:19:46,234 --> 00:19:48,067
because I got to, like,
fucking try to keep up
500
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,934
with their wardrobe.
501
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,267
It's like every time
they go out,
502
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:54,968
they got all brand-new shit on,
all brand-new shit.
503
00:19:55,033 --> 00:19:57,901
So when I show up with
my white version of brand-new,
504
00:19:57,968 --> 00:20:00,667
which is basically
I ironed the shit, right?
505
00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:01,667
I ironed it, right?
506
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,834
It's new.
507
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:05,234
They just start trashing me.
508
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:06,667
I can't keep up
with them, man.
509
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:10,734
They got, like,
fucking 58 pairs of sneakers.
510
00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:13,000
Ever noticed that shit?
511
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:14,467
Like, every color
fucking Timberland.
512
00:20:14,534 --> 00:20:17,234
I don't give a shit what
fucked-up color their shirt is.
513
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:21,901
They got a pair of shoes
to match it and a hat.
514
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:24,634
It's like a rule
or something.
515
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:27,567
They're the worst.
516
00:20:27,634 --> 00:20:29,067
Even when you wear
some new shit,
517
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,901
there's, like, some sort of rule
that you got to, like, space out
518
00:20:31,968 --> 00:20:34,834
the amount of time within which,
like, that you wear it,
519
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,734
because God forbid
you wear the same shirt
520
00:20:36,801 --> 00:20:37,968
within a ten-day period.
521
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:39,367
One of them
is going to notice.
522
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:41,400
They'll all of a sudden
just look at you funny, like,
523
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:43,400
"This motherfucker's
got the same shit
524
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:46,133
he had on last Tuesday."
525
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,834
And then the whole car's
like, "Oh, shit!"
526
00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:52,100
Then everybody just starts
527
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,667
making fun
of your fucking clothes.
528
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:55,767
First they do the math.
529
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:56,968
"What was that,
five days ago?
530
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,167
"Five days!
531
00:20:58,234 --> 00:21:00,767
"This motherfucker's
got five shirts.
532
00:21:00,834 --> 00:21:02,801
He got five shirts."
533
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:05,133
And then they start
breaking it down.
534
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,033
"Yo, his first shirt
be saying 'Monday.'
535
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,133
"The next shit
be saying 'Tuesday.'
536
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,367
Yo, on the weekend,
he ain't be wearing no shirts."
537
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:17,767
I'll tell you,
that's actually funny.
538
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:18,968
You know what?
539
00:21:19,033 --> 00:21:20,667
That's actually
how I judge black guys now.
540
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:21,868
When I first came
to this city,
541
00:21:21,934 --> 00:21:23,601
like, all black people
scared me.
542
00:21:23,667 --> 00:21:25,868
I was like the typical white
dude from, like, the suburbs,
543
00:21:25,934 --> 00:21:26,934
you know what I mean?
544
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,400
I had no frame
of reference, you know?
545
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:30,567
My only frame of reference
with black people was, like,
546
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:33,500
remember those early '90s
gangster rap videos?
547
00:21:33,567 --> 00:21:35,334
Throw the fucking
L.A. riots in there, man.
548
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,000
It was fucking horrible PR.
549
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:39,534
I'm watching the videos.
550
00:21:39,601 --> 00:21:41,200
He's got a nice car,
he's got all the women,
551
00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:43,734
and he's still fucking mad.
552
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:48,133
These black dudes
are never happy.
553
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,334
But after ten years
of living in the city,
554
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:51,567
this is how
I narrow it down
555
00:21:51,634 --> 00:21:53,133
whether a black dude
scares me or not.
556
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,534
Black dudes
with dirty sneakers
557
00:21:54,601 --> 00:21:56,868
scare the fucking shit
out of me.
558
00:21:56,934 --> 00:22:01,000
No, I figured it out
in my head,
559
00:22:01,067 --> 00:22:02,667
because I know
from hanging out with them,
560
00:22:02,734 --> 00:22:05,367
that's the last shit
that they're going to let go,
561
00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:06,868
the immediate shit
that they have on,
562
00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:07,901
so I think, you know,
563
00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:09,467
if his sneakers
are fucked up,
564
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:11,434
that means his life
is fucked up.
565
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:13,434
Every time
he leaves his building,
566
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,901
the whole neighborhood,
"Oh, shit!"
567
00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:19,968
Everyone starts
making fun of him.
568
00:22:20,033 --> 00:22:21,801
He's on the train
in a bad mood.
569
00:22:21,868 --> 00:22:26,133
I kind of have this Howdy Doody,
kind of mug-me kind of face.
570
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,067
Now, I'm not saying
something is going to happen.
571
00:22:28,133 --> 00:22:31,567
I'm just saying,
I'm paying attention.
572
00:22:31,634 --> 00:22:33,100
So I've been seeing
this girl recently,
573
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:34,200
this black girl, right?
574
00:22:34,267 --> 00:22:35,534
She lives up in Harlem,
you know.
575
00:22:35,601 --> 00:22:36,801
Going out like three
or four times, you know?
576
00:22:36,868 --> 00:22:38,133
The first time we hung out,
we hung out
577
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,834
we hung out in, like,
the Village area of New York,
578
00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,133
you know,
which is sort of like--
579
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,267
[muffled voice]
a racially mixed area.
580
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:44,834
So shit was cool,
you know what I mean?
581
00:22:44,901 --> 00:22:47,200
The second time we hung out
was more like Midtown, you know.
582
00:22:47,267 --> 00:22:49,667
Then the third time she called
me at like 3:30 in the morning,
583
00:22:49,734 --> 00:22:52,467
and she wanted me to come up
to her apartment, right?
584
00:22:52,534 --> 00:22:53,934
So it's 3:30 in the morning.
585
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,234
She lives in Harlem,
I look how I look,
586
00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:58,667
so it's a fucking situation.
587
00:23:01,868 --> 00:23:03,367
Yeah, because you know
the deal, right?
588
00:23:03,434 --> 00:23:05,033
Basically a white dude
feels comfortable
589
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:06,968
up to about, like,
98th, 99th Street,
590
00:23:07,033 --> 00:23:08,400
you know what I'm saying?
591
00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:10,801
The second the streets start
getting to, like, triple digits,
592
00:23:10,868 --> 00:23:12,367
like 100, 101st Street,
593
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,667
I start getting, like, a little
asthma, like, "Oh, fuck.
594
00:23:14,734 --> 00:23:18,601
"We're starting to get
a little high up here.
595
00:23:18,667 --> 00:23:20,500
"Do you feel that little
tightness in your chest?
596
00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:22,300
Can you feel that?"
597
00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:24,500
106th Street, you're,
like, leaning on shit,
598
00:23:24,567 --> 00:23:26,868
like, "Dude, where did
all the cabs go?
599
00:23:26,934 --> 00:23:30,834
"How come there's
no taxis up here?
600
00:23:30,901 --> 00:23:34,667
"Dude, what's a bodega?
601
00:23:34,734 --> 00:23:35,767
"I don't know what that is.
602
00:23:35,834 --> 00:23:37,968
Let's get the fuck
out of here."
603
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,200
So I'm praying to God
she's going to tell me
604
00:23:42,267 --> 00:23:44,901
to take the subway and get off
at, like, 105th Street, 103rd,
605
00:23:44,968 --> 00:23:46,834
you know, which is, like,
the first stop in Harlem
606
00:23:46,901 --> 00:23:48,701
where I can still
look over my shoulder
607
00:23:48,767 --> 00:23:50,901
and see, like, all the white
people, like, disappearing
608
00:23:50,968 --> 00:23:53,434
over the horizon, you know?
609
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:55,934
But she goes, "No, man, you want
to get on the Uptown 23 train.
610
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,133
You want to get off
at 125th Street."
611
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,567
I'm like,
"Fuck, 125th Street.
612
00:24:01,634 --> 00:24:04,434
"Jesus Christ, that's like right
in the middle of everything.
613
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:07,567
"I'm going to be surrounded
on all four sides.
614
00:24:07,634 --> 00:24:10,634
I can't fucking do this."
615
00:24:14,267 --> 00:24:16,133
So at this point
I'm really trying to hide,
616
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:17,500
like, the bitchy tone
617
00:24:17,567 --> 00:24:19,367
that's start to creep
into my voice, you know?
618
00:24:19,434 --> 00:24:21,634
And I'm trying to ask
for really specific directions
619
00:24:21,701 --> 00:24:22,934
for when I get up there,
620
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,701
because I want to know
exactly where I'm going.
621
00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:26,634
So she starts naming
the streets I have to go down,
622
00:24:26,701 --> 00:24:28,033
and every other street up there
623
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:29,767
is named after, like,
a black leader, you know?
624
00:24:29,834 --> 00:24:31,400
She's like,
"Make a left on Adam Clayton.
625
00:24:31,467 --> 00:24:32,834
Take a right
on Frederick Douglas."
626
00:24:32,901 --> 00:24:34,400
I'm like,
"Ah, fuck, Adam Clayton.
627
00:24:34,467 --> 00:24:39,267
"Now, dude, go on the internet
and look up Adam Clayton.
628
00:24:39,334 --> 00:24:42,434
"Did he kill a bunch of white
people during the slave revolts?
629
00:24:42,500 --> 00:24:44,601
"Dude, I ain't
going up there
630
00:24:44,667 --> 00:24:45,968
"till I know
what Adam Clayton did.
631
00:24:46,033 --> 00:24:47,167
Fuck this shit."
632
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,334
So at this point, I'm really
having a battle with myself,
633
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,200
because I'm thinking
I can't do this, right?
634
00:24:55,267 --> 00:24:57,033
I'm like, "I can't do this,"
635
00:24:57,100 --> 00:24:58,534
but my dick's going,
"No, come on, man.
636
00:24:58,601 --> 00:24:59,801
"We can do this, all right?
637
00:24:59,868 --> 00:25:01,434
"Just relax.
638
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:05,334
Pull yourself together and get
on the goddamn train, right?"
639
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,567
So as always,
I listen to my dick.
640
00:25:08,634 --> 00:25:09,868
Oh, yeah, I get on the train.
641
00:25:09,934 --> 00:25:11,167
By the time I get up there,
642
00:25:11,234 --> 00:25:12,934
it's like 5:00 or 4:00
in the morning, right?
643
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,234
I'm standing
on, like, Malcolm X
644
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:18,000
and, like, Danny Glover
or some shit, right?
645
00:25:18,067 --> 00:25:19,601
I don't even know
where the hell I'm at.
646
00:25:22,968 --> 00:25:24,601
When I see the street
I want to go up--
647
00:25:24,667 --> 00:25:25,801
I want to go up St. Nick.
648
00:25:25,868 --> 00:25:27,601
I can literally see
her apartment building,
649
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:29,167
but there's like
five or six black dudes
650
00:25:29,234 --> 00:25:31,868
standing right on the corner,
right where I want to walk by,
651
00:25:31,934 --> 00:25:33,267
so I'm like, "Fuck."
652
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,868
I thought I was on, like,
some reality show at that point,
653
00:25:37,934 --> 00:25:39,667
like some sort of like
white guy Survivor.
654
00:25:39,734 --> 00:25:43,133
It was ridiculous.
655
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,267
So I'm thinking I got to walk
right by these guys, right?
656
00:25:45,334 --> 00:25:46,734
You know what's funny?
657
00:25:46,801 --> 00:25:48,701
I think that they were actually
more surprised to see me
658
00:25:48,767 --> 00:25:50,167
than I was scared, you know?
659
00:25:50,234 --> 00:25:51,500
And I was really,
really scared, you know,
660
00:25:51,567 --> 00:25:54,000
but I'm also really,
really white, you know?
661
00:25:54,067 --> 00:25:56,367
Like, shockingly Caucasian.
662
00:25:56,434 --> 00:25:57,901
You know what I mean?
663
00:25:57,968 --> 00:26:01,968
Like, if you're not ready for
me, I can, like, surprise you.
664
00:26:03,767 --> 00:26:05,300
No, especially
if you live up there.
665
00:26:05,367 --> 00:26:07,801
You probably haven't seen
a white person for hours,
666
00:26:07,868 --> 00:26:11,033
possibly days, so when I show
up, it's almost like magical,
667
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:14,367
like a leprechaun came
out of nowhere, you know?
668
00:26:14,434 --> 00:26:17,100
I feel like I should have had,
like, a little pot of gold
669
00:26:17,167 --> 00:26:18,634
and, like,
a rainbow behind me.
670
00:26:18,701 --> 00:26:21,334
[Irish accent]
Top the morning to you, laddie.
671
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,067
Just kind of dance
my way past them.
672
00:26:27,133 --> 00:26:28,634
But it's been going
all right, you know?
673
00:26:28,701 --> 00:26:31,067
Once I get in her apartment,
I'm fine, you know?
674
00:26:31,133 --> 00:26:35,534
I relax, sit down, you know,
watch the hip-hop countdown--
675
00:26:35,601 --> 00:26:37,467
[laughs]
676
00:26:37,534 --> 00:26:40,367
pretend like I know the groups,
you know what I mean?
677
00:26:40,434 --> 00:26:42,267
[laughs]
678
00:26:42,334 --> 00:26:44,567
It's just getting there that's
a fucking pain in the ass.
679
00:26:44,634 --> 00:26:45,968
But, you know,
I don't get mad at it,
680
00:26:46,033 --> 00:26:47,534
because I figure, you know,
681
00:26:47,601 --> 00:26:49,901
a black dude's got to go through
the same shit, though, right,
682
00:26:49,968 --> 00:26:52,167
when you go out to the suburbs,
go fuck a white girl, right?
683
00:26:52,234 --> 00:26:54,968
It's that same awful feeling
684
00:26:55,033 --> 00:26:57,000
of just leaving
your people behind, you know?
685
00:26:57,067 --> 00:26:58,400
Just less and less of you
686
00:26:58,467 --> 00:27:00,701
as you're fucking
driving out there.
687
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:03,033
Probably start off leaning,
you know, all fucking cool.
688
00:27:03,100 --> 00:27:04,968
20 minutes in, you're driving
like 10:00 and 2:00.
689
00:27:05,033 --> 00:27:07,834
The radio's off, like,
"Dude, I don't like this shit.
690
00:27:07,901 --> 00:27:09,834
"I don't like
this shit at all.
691
00:27:09,901 --> 00:27:11,934
"There's too much grass;
I don't see any rims.
692
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,801
"This is fucked up.
693
00:27:13,868 --> 00:27:15,167
"None of the windows
are tinted.
694
00:27:15,234 --> 00:27:17,000
"I can clearly see
white people in every car.
695
00:27:17,067 --> 00:27:18,901
This is fucked up."
696
00:27:18,968 --> 00:27:20,133
Listen,
you guys were awesome.
697
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:21,601
Thank you so much
for coming out.
698
00:27:21,667 --> 00:27:22,901
God bless you.
699
00:27:22,968 --> 00:27:24,534
Thank you very much.
700
00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:25,601
All right, man,
take care.
701
00:27:25,667 --> 00:27:26,601
Thank you.
702
00:27:26,667 --> 00:27:29,667
[cheers and applause]
703
00:27:31,701 --> 00:27:34,567
Copyright: 2005
Home Box Office, Inc.
704
00:27:34,634 --> 00:27:37,634
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