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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:18,734 - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2 00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:30,200 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 3 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:37,767 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 4 00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:39,500 - THANK YOU! 5 00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:45,233 AW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 6 00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,300 THANK YOU, GUYS. MAN, THAT WAS NICE. 7 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:57,533 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT. 8 00:00:57,533 --> 00:01:00,033 THANK YOU ALL FOR RISKING YOUR LIVES AND COMING TO 9 00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:02,734 THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. 10 00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:03,767 JESUS CHRIST! 11 00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,033 IF I DO ANOTHER SPECIAL, MAYBE I CAN GET 12 00:01:05,033 --> 00:01:11,300 A THEATRE IN FALLUJAH. 13 00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:13,900 IT'S SO NICE. I HAD A GREAT THING HAPPEN THIS WEEK. 14 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:16,500 UH, I WAS OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY--WHO I DID 15 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:20,567 NOT WANT TO BE OUT WITH--AND I FOUND A WONDERFUL WAY TO END 16 00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:21,967 THE EVENING EARLY. 17 00:01:21,967 --> 00:01:24,500 WHEN IT GETS REALLY QUIET AT THE TABLE, YOU JUST BLURT OUT 18 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:34,200 "BOY, I SURE WOULD LOVE TO FUCK THAT DAKOTA FANNING!" 19 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,800 BUT DON'T BE CREEPY ABOUT IT. 20 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:45,133 AFTER YOU SAY IT, JUST MAKE THIS FACE. 21 00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,533 I GOT A TEXT FROM MY GIRLFRIEND. 22 00:01:46,533 --> 00:01:48,133 I DID NOT BRING HER WITH ME. 23 00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,333 SHE'S BACK AT MY APARTMENT IN NEW YORK, AND AS I'M COMING 24 00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,600 TONIGHT FOR THE GIG, SHE SENDS ME A TEXT THAT SAYS, 25 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:58,800 "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER." 26 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,633 AND I'M THINKING, "ALL RIGHT. DID SHE HAPPEN TO NOTICE, 27 00:02:01,633 --> 00:02:06,200 OR IS THERE A SITUATION?" 28 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,533 AND I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT. 29 00:02:07,533 --> 00:02:09,133 YOU NEVER WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU KNOW, 30 00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:18,233 BEADING UP SWEAT ON HER FOREHEAD, TURTLING. 31 00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:20,433 SO I IGNORE IT. 32 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,500 A MINUTE LATER, I GET ANOTHER TEXT-- 33 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:25,033 "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?" 34 00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:27,600 UGH. 35 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:40,500 I DON'T KNOW. A HANDSTAND IN THE SHOWER. 36 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,033 JESUS CHRIST! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU? 37 00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:43,900 GRAB A SOCK, LEARN TO IMPROV ALREADY. 38 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:52,700 YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD! 39 00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:55,333 AND I GOT TO BE HONEST, MAN, I LIKE HAVING A GIRLFRIEND! 40 00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:59,867 I WAS SINGLE FOR SO LONG--5 YEARS--AND I LIKE BEING 41 00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,100 IN A RELATIONSHIP, 42 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,934 AND THERE'S LITTLE WEIRD THINGS TO GET USED TO. 43 00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:05,633 LIKE AFTER SEX, AS WE'RE LAYING THERE, I HAVE TO KEEP 44 00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:08,400 REPEATING TO MYSELF, "DO NOT HAND HER CASH. 45 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,967 DO NOT HAND HER CASH." 46 00:03:12,967 --> 00:03:15,333 WHICH IS STILL A NICE IMPROVEMENT OVER LAST YEAR, 47 00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:17,667 WHEN IT WAS, "IGNORE THE ADAM'S APPLE. 48 00:03:17,667 --> 00:03:24,433 IGNORE THE ADAM'S APPLE." 49 00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:26,133 WE'VE ALL MADE THAT MISTAKE, HAVEN'T WE? 50 00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:30,333 HA HA HA! 51 00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:32,200 YOU'RE RECEIVING AN AMAZING BLOW JOB. 52 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,934 ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE LIKE, "WOW! THAT'S A WIDE BACK 53 00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:38,800 FOR A GAL." 54 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,834 WELL, NOW YOU'RE AT A CROSSROADS BECAUSE THIS IS 55 00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:45,500 TECHNICALLY A HOMOSEXUAL ACT. 56 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,433 YET ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS FELLA SURE KNOWS 57 00:03:47,433 --> 00:03:54,066 HIS BUSINESS. 58 00:03:54,066 --> 00:03:55,233 WHAT DO YOU DO? 59 00:03:55,233 --> 00:03:56,600 I MEAN, INSTINCTIVELY, YOU UNDERSTAND 60 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,734 THERE'S A NO REFUND POLICY, SO I TEND TO JUST LAUGH 61 00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:03,133 GOOD-NATUREDLY AT MYSELF AND THEN BLAST A LOAD 62 00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:12,166 RIGHT IN HIS FACE. 63 00:04:12,166 --> 00:04:14,600 AND EVER SINCE THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN 64 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,266 HAPPENING, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO, LIKE, FIX UP MY PLACE 65 00:04:17,266 --> 00:04:19,266 A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE MY APARTMENT RIGHT NOW IS 66 00:04:19,266 --> 00:04:20,934 VERY MALE-ORIENTED. 67 00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:22,266 IT'S GEARED FOR ME. 68 00:04:22,266 --> 00:04:24,734 LIKE, ALL I HAVE IS, LIKE, SIGNED BLACK SABBATH SHIT 69 00:04:24,734 --> 00:04:28,467 ON THE WALLS, LIKE, PHOTOS OF ME AND OZZY AND ME AND KISS. 70 00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:30,300 IT'S LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND COMES OVER, AND SHE FEELS LIKE SHE'S 71 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:34,000 DATING A 12-YEAR-OLD RETARD. 72 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,300 BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BUY THAT SHE WOULD LIKE. 73 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:38,066 I'M AN IDIOT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT. 74 00:04:38,066 --> 00:04:39,934 I WOULD JUST HAND UP GIANT PHOTOS OF DICKS. 75 00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:50,834 "EHH?" 76 00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:56,533 "YOU LIKE THAT, YOU SIZE QUEEN?" 77 00:04:56,533 --> 00:04:59,467 SO I ENLISTED THE HELP OF MY GAY FRIEND BECAUSE GAY PEOPLE 78 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:03,200 HAVE SO MUCH OF A BETTER VIBE FOR A WOMAN'S SENSIBILITY THAN 79 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,100 STRAIGHT MEN DO, BUT GAY PEOPLE ARE VERY ARROGANT. 80 00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,700 LIKE, I TOOK MY FRIEND, UH, FURNITURE SHOPPING, AND HE'S 81 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:11,200 A GAY COMIC, AND I FOUND THIS SOFA THAT I LOVE, 82 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,967 SO I CALL HIM OVER. I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" 83 00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:14,367 AND HE'S SO CONDESCENDING. 84 00:05:14,367 --> 00:05:17,066 HE RUNS HIS HAND OVER THE BACK, AND HE'S LIKE, "EEEECHHH! 85 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:20,166 YOU IDIOT, THE MATERIAL'S TOO ROUGH." 86 00:05:20,166 --> 00:05:21,867 THEN I REALIZE WE HAD DIFFERENT PRIORITIES 87 00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:25,133 WHEN SOFA SHOPPING. 88 00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,433 WHEN I'M BUYING ONE, I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER WHAT IT'S GOING 89 00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:34,233 TO FEEL LIKE MUSHED INTO MY FACE FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME. 90 00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:41,133 TO FEEL LIKE MUSHED INTO MY FACE FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME. 91 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:43,367 HE HAS TO WORRY ABOUT THAT... 92 00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,734 BECAUSE HE HAS NARCOLEPSY. 93 00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:48,667 HE TENDS TO DOZE OFF WHILE HE'S GETTING POKED 94 00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:53,867 IN THE SHITTER. 95 00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,667 BUT I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC, I GUESS, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN 96 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,667 SUCH A PERVERT FOR SO LONG. 97 00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,633 LIKE, I'VE BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE SINCE I WAS IN SECOND 98 00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:01,900 GRADE, AND, YOU KNOW, GROWING UP I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT. 99 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:11,967 I PLAYED MONSTER RAIN WHEN I WAS A KID, WHICH I TOLD-- 100 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,066 I DID TELL THAT STORY ON THE RADIO, 101 00:06:14,066 --> 00:06:15,767 AND IT WAS A FUN LITTLE GAME. 102 00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,066 MISS, YOU LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED. 103 00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:19,333 ARE YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH IT? 104 00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:20,734 YOU NEVER HEARD OF MONSTER RAIN? 105 00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:25,867 IT'S THE MOST ADORABLE THING! 106 00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:27,367 AND IT'S TRUE, TOO. 107 00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,567 WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, MY LITTLE FRIEND AND I WOULD 108 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,700 WALK ALONG, AND ONE OF US WOULD YELL, "MONSTER RAIN!" 109 00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,200 AND THEN TO GET AWAY FROM THE MONSTER RAIN, WE'D HIDE UNDER 110 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:47,500 A PORCH AND BLOW EACH OTHER. 111 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:54,934 A PORCH AND BLOW EACH OTHER. 112 00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:58,200 THAT'S HOW WE ESCAPED THE MONSTER RAIN. 113 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,834 IN HINDSIGHT, AN UMBRELLA WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PRUDENT. 114 00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,767 AND IT WASN'T ABOUT BEING GAY, THOUGH. 115 00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,300 IT WAS JUST ABOUT FEELING SOMEBODY'S MOUTH ON YOUR DICK, 116 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:12,300 AND THE KEY-- 117 00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,900 AGAIN, SECOND GRADE. 118 00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:18,467 IT WAS ABOUT GETTING YOUR FRIEND TO GO FIRST BECAUSE, 119 00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:23,100 LIKE, THE KEY-- 120 00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:24,800 BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUBTLETY WHEN YOU'RE THAT YOUNG. 121 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,000 LIKE, IF MY FRIEND WOULD BLOW ME AND THEN GO "MY TURN!" 122 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,734 YOU KNOW, I'D BE LIKE, "I GOT TO GO EAT LUNCH!" 123 00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:32,467 AND LEAVE HIM UNDER THE PORCH WITH HIS SHAME 124 00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:37,433 AND DICK BREATH. 125 00:07:37,433 --> 00:07:39,033 THEN I'D RAT HIM OUT TO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. 126 00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:40,033 "HE'S A QUEERBAIT. 127 00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:46,633 HE LICKED MY DINGLE." 128 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,700 BUT I THINK GAY MEN ARE FASCINATING, THOUGH, BECAUSE I 129 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:53,133 HEARD THEY DO THIS THING CALLED "DOCKING." 130 00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:54,934 ALL RIGHT. A COUPLE PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF THIS. 131 00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:58,800 DOCKING SUPPOSEDLY IS WHEN TWO GUYS WILL STAND FACE TO FACE 132 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,834 AND PUT THEIR DICK HEADS TOGETHER, AND ONE OF THE GUYS 133 00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:04,667 HAS TO BE UNCIRCUMCISED... 134 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,166 - [GROANING] 135 00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:07,734 - HA HA HA! 136 00:08:07,734 --> 00:08:11,533 AND THE UNCIRCUMCISED GUY PEELS HIS FORESKIN OVER THE 137 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:16,867 HEAD OF THE OTHER GUY'S PENIS, AND THAT'S WHERE I BAILED OUT 138 00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:25,633 OF THE CONVERSATION. 139 00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:27,400 BUT I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. 140 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,266 I REALLY WISH I HAD STUCK WITH IT BECAUSE I'M DYING TO KNOW 141 00:08:30,266 --> 00:08:33,767 WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? WHAT DO YOU DO? 142 00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:35,700 DO YOU SAY ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER, OR DO YOU JUST LOOK 143 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:39,700 AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH HYSTERICALLY? 144 00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,200 I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS. 145 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,266 THAT'S THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF THAT GAY GUYS 146 00:08:43,266 --> 00:08:48,934 CAN REFUEL IN MID AIR. 147 00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:52,533 AND I DID MY FIRST MIDWESTERN GIGS--I WAS IN KANSAS CITY 148 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,767 ACTUALLY AT THE SAME TIME THAT THAT, UH, HURRICANE, TORNA-- 149 00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,266 WHAT WAS IT? 150 00:08:58,266 --> 00:08:59,867 TORNADO--WHATEVER, WHATEVER. 151 00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:05,300 HILLBILLY MOVER. 152 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:14,900 MERCIFUL WIND FROM A KNOWLEDGEABLE GOD. 153 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:16,633 AND I SPENT SOME TIME DOWN SOUTH. 154 00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:18,734 I WENT TO DALLAS, WHICH WAS REALLY COOL. 155 00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,867 WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE, I WENT TO SEE WHERE JFK WAS SHOT 156 00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:22,400 AT DEALEY PLAZA. 157 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,166 HAS ANYBODY MADE THE TRIP, MADE THAT PILGRIMAGE 158 00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:26,100 DOWN THERE? 159 00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,033 IT'S KIND OF AWE INSPIRING, RIGHT? 160 00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:30,667 IT'S, UH, IT'S SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. 161 00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,333 AND THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT DAY AND TODAY IS 162 00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:36,600 THE STEMMONS FREEWAY SIGN, WHICH HE DISAPPEARED BEHIND, 163 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,700 HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY, AND WHERE HE TOOK THE THIRD AND FINAL 164 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:44,300 SHOT, A BIG WHITE "X" HAS BEEN PAINTED IN THE STREET SO YOU 165 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,033 KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IT HAPPENED. 166 00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:48,233 UM, AT LEAST I HOPE THAT WAS PUT THERE AFTER 167 00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:52,200 THE ASSASSINATION BECAUSE... 168 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,533 IF THAT WAS THERE THE DAY OF, THAT'S SLOPPY POLICE WORK. 169 00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,633 "OSWALD DIDN'T ACT ALONE. 170 00:09:58,633 --> 00:09:59,834 HE HAD A PUERTO RICAN KID WITH HIM." 171 00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:00,867 [TCCH TCCH] 172 00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,266 [FFFFFFT] 173 00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:07,667 [FFFFFFT] 174 00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:10,533 BUT THERE'S AN "X," AND WHAT PEOPLE WILL DO IS WHEN TRAFFIC 175 00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:13,400 IS STOPPED UP AT THE LIGHT, THEY RUN OUT INTO THE STREET, 176 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,200 THEY STAND ON THE "X," AND THEY GET THEIR PHOTOS 177 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,967 TAKEN, AND YOU'RE WATCHING THIS LIKE, "YOU VOYEURISTIC, 178 00:10:20,967 --> 00:10:23,734 MORBID PIECE OF SHIT." 179 00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:26,734 UNTIL IT'S YOUR TURN TO HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN. 180 00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:31,100 YOU TRY TO LOOK DIGNIFIED. 181 00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:40,266 I DIDN'T CARE. I FUCKED AROUND. 182 00:10:40,266 --> 00:10:47,567 I DIDN'T CARE. I FUCKED AROUND. 183 00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:53,467 I EVEN DID A LITTLE JACKIE. 184 00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:57,500 BUT AFTER I CAME OFF THE "X," THIS ANNOYING, AWFUL COUPLE 185 00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,066 WAS BEHIND ME, AND THEY HAD BEEN SNIPPING AT EACH OTHER 186 00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:02,500 THE WHOLE TIME, AND SO THE AWFUL WOMAN RUNS OUT, 187 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,767 AND SHE'S STANDING THERE, AND SHE'S JUST YELLING AT HER 188 00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,900 STUPID HUSBAND, AND THIS NERVOUS FRUIT IS TRYING TO 189 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:11,066 OPERATE HIS CAMERA, AND A CAR IS HEADED TOWARDS HER, AND SHE 190 00:11:11,066 --> 00:11:18,600 DOESN'T SEE IT, SO I GO, "LET IT HAPPEN." 191 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:22,900 I SAW THE GREATEST STORY OF MY LIFE ABOUT TO UNFOLD, 192 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,600 AND STUPID, PUSSY-WHIPPED HUSBAND WARNED HER, AND AS HE 193 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,400 WARNED HER, YOU COULD SEE HIM REGRETTING IT BECAUSE HE'S 194 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,467 LIKE, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" 195 00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:30,567 BUT IN HIS FACE HE WAS LIKE, 196 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:33,467 "WHY THE FUCK AM I SAYING THIS?" 197 00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:34,934 HOW FUNNY WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN? 198 00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,200 TWO PEOPLE IN HISTORY KILLED ON THAT SPOT-- 199 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:48,734 JFK AND THAT BITCH. 200 00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:52,133 AND I ACTUALLY LIVED OUT IN LOS ANGELES FOR A LITTLE WHILE 201 00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,934 WHEN I WAS OUT THERE SHOOTING "LUCKY LOUIE." 202 00:11:53,934 --> 00:12:05,266 I THANK THOSE OF YOU THAT SUPPORTED "LUCKY LOUIE." 203 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,500 DESPITE MY FUCKING MUGGY ACTING. 204 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:10,734 "WHERE ARE YOU, LOU?" 205 00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:12,767 JESUS CHRIST. 206 00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:14,300 AND I THINK WE DESERVED SEASON TWO. 207 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,500 UNFORTUNATELY, WE GOT CANCELLED, BUT THAT HAPPENS. 208 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,467 UM, WHAT BOTHERS MORE IS NOT THE FACT THAT WE GOT CANCELLED. 209 00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,400 IT'S THE FACT THAT WE GOT CANCELLED AND YOU CAN STILL 210 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,433 TURN ON 8 DIFFERENT CHANNELS AND WATCH POKER. 211 00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:28,800 ENOUGH WITH THE POKER OBSESSION IN THIS COUNTRY. 212 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,333 MY FAT FRIEND IS OBSESSED WITH IT. 213 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,800 HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU WANT TO PLAY HOLD 'EM? 214 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,200 LET'S PLAY HOLD 'EM!" 215 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,233 ALL "ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT THIS? 216 00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,400 "I'LL PULL OUT MY BALLS. 217 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,500 HOLD 'EM WITH YOUR MOUTH." 218 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,000 AND IT KIND OF BUGS ME BECAUSE TO ME THEY'RE NOT 219 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,834 SHOWING GAMBLERS. 220 00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,834 LIKE, I'M A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND 221 00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,100 A RECOVERING ADDICT. 222 00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:48,400 I UNDERSTAND THE MANIA OF OBSESSION. 223 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,400 YOU KNOW, IF ONE IS GOOD, 50 IS BETTER! 224 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,967 I MEAN, I CANNOT STOP EVER. 225 00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:54,767 SO SHOW ME THAT TYPE OF GAMBLER. 226 00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:58,500 DON'T SHOW ME THE TOP ONE ONE THOUSANDTH OF A PERCENT 227 00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,533 OF RICH GAMBLERS. 228 00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:00,867 SHOW ME THE AVERAGE SCHLUB. 229 00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:03,266 "TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO WATCH DOYLE BRUNSON PUNCH HIS WIFE 230 00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:04,800 "IN THE FACE BECAUSE SHE'S CRYING BECAUSE THE LIGHTS ARE 231 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:15,734 TURNED OFF AGAIN." 232 00:13:15,734 --> 00:13:17,400 BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THOSE GUYS ARE PLAYING FOR THEIR OWN 233 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,767 MONEY ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL CELEBRITIES NOW, 234 00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:23,200 SO THEY'RE PLAYING FOR SPONSOR MONEY OR NETWORK MONEY. 235 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,200 TO ME, THAT'S NOT INTERESTING. 236 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,467 HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RISK? 237 00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,467 THAT WOULD MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING TO ME AS A VIEWER. 238 00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:31,200 LIKE, IF THEY WIN THEY KEEP THE MONEY, BUT IF THEY LOSE 239 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:38,600 THEY HAVE TO DRINK GAS OR BLOW AN AIDS PATIENT. 240 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,900 A BIT HARSH, PERHAPS, BUT LET'S SEE YOUR POKER FACE 241 00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:50,500 NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. 242 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:58,100 NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. 243 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,633 "WELL, JUDGING BY THE LOOKS OF THINGS, IF HE DOESN'T PULL 244 00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:07,033 A 5 OR A 7, HE'S GOING TO BE LOSING WEIGHT RAPIDLY." 245 00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:10,600 AND I ACTUALLY-- 246 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,700 I ACTUALLY ENJOYED L.A. MORE THAN I EVER HAVE. 247 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,667 I KIND OF LIKE IT OUT THERE NOW, UM, 248 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,033 BUT I HAD A VERY BAD INJURY. 249 00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:19,200 A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HEARD ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FOOT. 250 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,767 UM, I TWISTED MY ANKLE HORRIBLY. 251 00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:23,834 WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IS I WAS IN A BUILDING IN 252 00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:27,533 LOS ANGELES THAT WAS BURNING, AND I WAS TRYING TO RUN OUT, 253 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,767 OF COURSE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOBODY ONE WANTS TO LOSE THEIR 254 00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,033 LIPS AND EYELASHES. 255 00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,433 JESUS CHRIST. 256 00:14:32,433 --> 00:14:33,567 GOD BLESS BURN VICTIMS. 257 00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:34,700 THEY ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THEY WALKED INTO THEIR OWN 258 00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:44,367 SURPRISE PARTY. 259 00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:53,433 LITTLE TUFT OF HAIR. 260 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,333 IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I DON'T REALLY FEEL GOOD 261 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:59,700 ABOUT THAT LINE EITHER. 262 00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,900 SO I'M IN THIS BUILDING, AND I'M RUNNING FOR THE FRONT 263 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,834 DOOR, AND I TRIPPED OVER A SMALL, UM, KID, WHO 264 00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:08,400 HAD FALLEN. 265 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,900 TOTALLY HIS FAULT. 266 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,266 YOU KNOW HOW SELFISH CHILDREN ARE. 267 00:15:11,266 --> 00:15:12,333 "HELP ME!" 268 00:15:12,333 --> 00:15:17,133 "FUCK YOU!" 269 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,900 AND NOW I GOT TO GET SURGERY. 270 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,600 UM, I COULD HAVE AVOIDED SURGERY IF I HAD JUST PUT SOME 271 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,800 INSOLES IN THAT WERE SUPPORTIVE, BUT DID YOU EVER 272 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,567 REMEMBER THE COMMERCIAL FOR A PRODUCT AND THE COMMERCIAL IS 273 00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,667 SO AWFUL YOU DON'T WANT TO SUPPORT THAT ADVERTISING 274 00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:33,967 THROUGH PRODUCT PURCHASE? 275 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:42,867 THAT "YOU GELLIN'?" AD CAMPAIGN... 276 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,633 I WANT TO FIND WHO WROTE THAT. 277 00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:46,867 I WANT TO BITE THEIR NOSE OFF AND SPIT IT BACK IN THEIR 278 00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:49,467 FUCKIN' FACE. 279 00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:51,333 IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE COMMERCIAL, IN THE COMMERCIAL 280 00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:55,800 THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF A FENDER BENDER, AND THE TWO GENTLEMEN 281 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,834 ARE OUTSIDE SURVEYING THE DAMAGE, AND THEY REALIZE 282 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,266 THEY'RE IN A BETTER MOOD THAN THEY SHOULD BE CONSIDERING 283 00:16:02,266 --> 00:16:04,633 THEY'VE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT AND THERE'S A 10-YEAR-OLD 284 00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:11,100 TRAPPED IN BETWEEN THE BUMPERS. 285 00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,734 AND THEY INTUITIVELY RECOGNIZE THAT THEIR GOOD MOOD CAN BE 286 00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:20,033 DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTED TO THEIR COMFY FOOTWEAR! 287 00:16:20,033 --> 00:16:21,433 SO THEY ADDRESS EACH OTHER. 288 00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:23,233 THE ONE GUY GOES "YOU GELLIN'?" 289 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,600 AND THE OTHER GUY GOES "LIKE MAGELLAN." 290 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:33,266 AND THEN THEY SUCK EACH OTHER'S DICKS. 291 00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:40,500 AND THEN THEY SUCK EACH OTHER'S DICKS. 292 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,100 GELLIN' IS IN THE WORD MAGELLAN. 293 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,033 THAT'S NOT A REAL RHYME. 294 00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:47,500 "HOW LONG YOU BEEN TIRED?" 295 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:52,567 "EVER SINCE I RETIRED" IS NOT A LEGITIMATE RHYME SCHEME. 296 00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,033 THEY COULD HAVE HAD FUN WITH THAT! 297 00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:56,033 ONE OF THE GENTLEMEN WAS AFRICAN-AMERICAN. 298 00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:57,333 HOW GREAT WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN? 299 00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:58,333 "YOU GELLIN'?" 300 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:06,667 "LIKE A WATERMELON." 301 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,133 MAYBE A PROSTITUTE WALKS IN AND SAYS TO HER PIMP, 302 00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,133 "YOU GELLIN'?" 303 00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:11,367 AND HE KNOCKS HER TEETH OUT. 304 00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:22,066 "BITCH, GET BACK TO PUSSY SELLIN'!" 305 00:17:22,066 --> 00:17:24,033 THANK YOU, BY THE WAY, FOR LAUGHING AT THE RACIALLY 306 00:17:24,033 --> 00:17:30,567 INAPPROPRIATE ONE. 307 00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,600 WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE HAVE SUCH A GUILT COMPLEX? 308 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,667 WE DON'T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY. 309 00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:37,367 UH, MOST OF US DON'T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY. 310 00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:43,000 IF YOU'RE OVER 70 AND YOU LIVE IN MISSISSIPPI, OK. 311 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,033 CHANCES ARE, YOU OWE A FEW APOLOGIES, BUT A LOT OF TIMES, 312 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:51,166 WE DON'T EVEN REALIZE WE HAVE IT UNTIL WE SEE ANOTHER WHITE 313 00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:54,166 PERSON DOING SOMETHING RACIST, AND THEN WE ALL REACT 314 00:17:54,166 --> 00:17:56,500 A CERTAIN WAY BECAUSE IT TAPS INTO SOMETHING IN US. 315 00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:57,834 LIKE, MICHAEL RICHARDS. 316 00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:59,834 OH, THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER BECAUSE THIS 317 00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,467 FUCKING ASSHOLE GOES ONSTAGE IN LOS ANGELES AND YELLS ALL 318 00:18:02,467 --> 00:18:05,633 THIS SHIT THAT MOST PEOPLE ONLY THINK OR YELL OUT A CAR 319 00:18:05,633 --> 00:18:10,200 WINDOW, AND THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS IN AN OUTRAGE. 320 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,133 "COULD YOU BELIEVE WHAT HE SAID?" 321 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,000 "YEAH." 322 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,500 WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T' TAKE MY SOCIAL OR RACIAL 323 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:18,667 CUES FROM HIM. 324 00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,300 HE'S NOT A POLITICIAN. 325 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,033 HE'S NOT MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR. 326 00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:24,867 HE'S A JERK-OFF WHO MADE A LIVING FOR 10 YEARS SLIDING 327 00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:28,066 ON A FLOOR GOING "HELLOOO, JERRY." 328 00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:33,367 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING HE THINKS. 329 00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:37,367 AND THE FACT THAT IMUS GOT FIRED IS A FUCKING DISGRACE. 330 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,900 IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE. 331 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,934 -[CHEERS AND BOOS] 332 00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:44,033 -BUT EVERYBODY KNEW HE DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE HATEFUL. 333 00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,700 HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE AN UGLY JOKE ABOUT A BUNCH 334 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,700 OF GIRLS, AND PEOPLE TURNED IT AROUND. 335 00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:51,400 ARE WE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUCKING UGLY JOKES ANYMORE? 336 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,867 LOOK. I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT THE RUTGERS FEMALE 337 00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:56,467 BASKETBALL TEAM... 338 00:18:56,467 --> 00:19:04,433 THEY'RE NOT LOOKERS. 339 00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:11,934 THEY'RE NOT LOOKERS. 340 00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:14,333 THAT'S ONE REASON THEY'RE SO GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO. 341 00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:16,066 THEY HAD TO PRACTICE IN HIGH SCHOOL. 342 00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:17,467 YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "WELL, IT'S A SATURDAY NIGHT. 343 00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:19,200 "WE'RE ALL 6'5", AND NO ONE WILL FUCK US. 344 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:25,533 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" 345 00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:27,033 "I DON'T KNOW. LET'S THROW THE BALL AROUND 346 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,800 FOR A LITTLE WHILE." 347 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,000 WHY DO YOU THINK I'M A COMEDIAN? 348 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,800 BECAUSE I GOT PUSSY ALL THE TIME? 349 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,533 NO! 350 00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:37,633 AND I LOVE THE WAY POLITICIANS HAVE TO WEIGH IN. 351 00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:40,166 LIKE HILLARY CLINTON, WHO NEVER TAKES A STAND UNTIL 352 00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:43,867 THE PUBLIC HAS DECIDED, WAS GONNA GO AND VISIT 353 00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:49,500 THE TEAM TO HELP THE HEALING BEGIN. 354 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,767 DOES THIS PHONY BITCH HAD TO GET HER MULLET INTO THE MIDDLE 355 00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:58,867 OF EVERYTHING? 356 00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:06,533 OF EVERYTHING? 357 00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:08,533 WITH HER PHONY VOICE INFLECTION. 358 00:20:08,533 --> 00:20:11,100 "I WANT TO GO AND HELP EVERYBODY HEAL." 359 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,967 SHUT UP, PUPPET MOUTH. 360 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:16,867 WHAT WAS SHE GONNA SAY TO A BUNCH OF ATHLETES? 361 00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,834 "YOU KNOW, IT'S IRONIC THAT YOU ALL PLAY BASKETBALL, 362 00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:23,567 YET I HAVE THICKER CALVES AND ANKLES THAN ALL OF YOU." 363 00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,166 OR MAYBE SHE WAS WORRIED. SHE THOUGHT HER HUSBAND FUCKED 364 00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:26,200 A COUPLE OF THEM. 365 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,800 MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. 366 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,834 WHEN ARE WOMEN GOING TO STOP LOOKING AT HILLARY CLINTON 367 00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:33,700 LIKE SHE'S THE PICTURE OF STRENGTH AND FEMINISM. 368 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:38,834 WHY? ALL SHE DID IS STAY WITH A GUY WHO FUCKED EVERYBODY. 369 00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,700 HE WAS RUBBING HIS DICK ON A FAT GIRL'S FACE. 370 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:45,567 "I DIDN'T SEE IT. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN." 371 00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:47,767 WHAT REALLY BOTHERED ME THOUGH, IT WASN'T THE FACT 372 00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:50,233 THAT POLITICIANS CAME OUT AGAINST IT--BECAUSE THEY ARE 373 00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:52,867 ALL SCUMBAGS, AND THAT'S WHAT YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO. 374 00:20:52,867 --> 00:20:55,066 IT WAS THE FACT THE WAY THE REST OF THE COUNTRY JUMPED 375 00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:56,533 ON THAT BANDWAGON. 376 00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:59,600 THE PHONY OUTRAGE AROUND IMUS MADE ME SICK. 377 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,967 HIP-HOP WAS OUTRAGED! 378 00:21:01,967 --> 00:21:05,367 RAPPERS. SNOOP! 379 00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:07,734 SNOOP! 380 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,133 NOT THE ADORABLE ONE WHO LAYS ON THE DOGHOUSE 381 00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:11,867 WITH THE LITTLE BIRD ON HIM. 382 00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:16,033 NO. THE OTHER ONE WITH THE GUN CHARGES. 383 00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:18,834 SNOOP SAID IT WAS DEGRADING TO BLACK WOMEN, AS OPPOSED TO 384 00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:25,400 WHEN HE WALKS THEM INTO AWARDS SHOWS ON A LEASH. 385 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:32,433 WHEN HE WALKS THEM INTO AWARDS SHOWS ON A LEASH. 386 00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:34,834 AND SOMEBODY ASKED SNOOP, "WELL, WHAT ABOUT RAP LYRICS?" 387 00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:37,800 AND SNOOP SAID, AND I QUOTE, "WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT IN RAP 388 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,734 "BECAUSE WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT GIRLS IN COLLEGE WHO ARE 389 00:21:39,734 --> 00:21:41,233 "EXCELLING IN SPORTS. 390 00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:45,233 "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO AIN'T 391 00:21:45,233 --> 00:21:49,433 DOING SHIT BUT TRYING TO GET A NIGGER FOR HIS MONEY." 392 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:55,467 WELL SAID. 393 00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:57,033 AND YOU KNOW THE NUMBER TWO HIP-HOP SONG IN THE COUNTRY 394 00:21:57,033 --> 00:22:01,767 WHEN THE IMUS THING HAPPENED WAS "I'M A FLIRT" BY R. KELLY, 395 00:22:01,767 --> 00:22:05,367 AND IN IT, HE CALLS GIRLS HOS, AND WE ALL REMEMBER 396 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:08,734 THE FRIENDLY LITTLE VIDEO HE PUT OUT A FEW YEARS AGO. 397 00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,100 "AH, THERE'S NO TOILET AVAILABLE. 398 00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:16,033 COME HERE, KID. YOU'LL DO." 399 00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:17,867 WHOOPI GOLDBERG REALLY ANNOYED ME. 400 00:22:17,867 --> 00:22:19,033 IT'S LIKE, WHOOPI, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN. 401 00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,233 WHY THEY FUCK WOULD YOU BE AGAINST ANYONE 402 00:22:21,233 --> 00:22:22,567 SAYING ANYTHING? 403 00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:24,400 ESPECIALLY RACIAL WHEN SHE HAD HER WHOLE THING 404 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,633 WITH TED DANSON. 405 00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:27,700 REMEMBER THE TED DANSON INCIDENT A FEW YEARS AGO? 406 00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:28,967 15 YEARS AGO, WHATEVER? 407 00:22:28,967 --> 00:22:32,734 THEY WERE DATING. 408 00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:34,800 I RAELLY AM AN ASSHOLE WHO SHOULD HAVE READ THE FACTS 409 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:40,600 BEFORE I STARTED PONTIFICATING LIKE A FUCKING BORE. 410 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,133 BUT HER AND TED DANSON WERE GETTING ALL THIS RACISM 411 00:22:43,133 --> 00:22:45,934 FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP, SO TO ADDRESS THE RACISM, 412 00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,867 AT A FRIAR'S CLUB THING, TED DANSON PUT 413 00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,333 ON BLACKFACE AND ATE WATERMELON, AND THE WHOLE 414 00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:52,500 COUNTRY JUMPED ON HIM, AND WHOOPI JUMPED TO HIS 415 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,000 DEFENSE SAYING, "NO. HE'S NOT A RACIST. 416 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,233 HE WAS JUST DOING THIS AND THAT." 417 00:22:55,233 --> 00:22:57,934 WHY IS IT OK TO DEFEND TED DANSON AND NOT IMUS? 418 00:22:57,934 --> 00:23:00,433 WHY? BECAUSE IMUS IS A LITTLE OLDER AND HE'S NOT 419 00:23:00,433 --> 00:23:02,400 GOOD-LOOKING AND CRAZY ENOUGH TO FUCK WHOOPI? 420 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,166 I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE PULLED OFF-- 421 00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,500 I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE PULLED OFF TED DANSON. 422 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,600 MAYBE SHE HAD PHOTOS OF HIM FUCKING BLOWING NORM OR 423 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,166 SOMEBODY ELSE FROM THAT SHOW. 424 00:23:13,166 --> 00:23:16,400 PEOPLE LOVE BEING OFFENDED AND FEELING 425 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,400 SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. 426 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,867 IT'S LIKE IF YOU TALK ABOUT ISLAM. 427 00:23:19,867 --> 00:23:21,834 YOU CAN'T MAKE FUN OF ISLAM BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU 428 00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:25,500 ISLAMAPHOBIC, WHICH IS FEAR OF ISLAM. 429 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:28,333 OK. ACCURATE. 430 00:23:28,333 --> 00:23:32,500 LOOK. I DON'T HATE MUSLIMS. I REALLY DON'T, BUT AS A GROUP, 431 00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:39,233 THEIR PROBLEM-HANDLING SKILLS ARE NOT GOOD. 432 00:23:39,233 --> 00:23:41,800 A DANISH CARTOONIST DID AN OFFENSIVE CARTOON. 433 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,967 ALL OVER THE MIDDLE EAST, THEY WERE RIOTING 434 00:23:43,967 --> 00:23:45,800 AND TRAMPLING EACH OTHER TO DEATH AND SETTING 435 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,433 EMBASSIES ON FIRE. 436 00:23:47,433 --> 00:23:53,000 DON'T MUSLIMS EVER JUST FIRE OFF AN ANGRY E-MAIL? 437 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,033 "I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT." 438 00:23:55,033 --> 00:24:07,367 SEND! 439 00:24:07,367 --> 00:24:09,667 AND DURING THE RIOTS--DURING THE RIOTS, I SAW SOME FOOTAGE 440 00:24:09,667 --> 00:24:12,600 FORM PAKISTAN, UH, WHICH REALLY HURT BECAUSE IT'S MY 441 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,867 FAVORITE VACATION SPOT, AND THERE WAS A GROUP OF VERY 442 00:24:16,867 --> 00:24:21,000 PISSED OFF MUSLIMS ATTACKING A McDONALD'S, AND THEY SAID THEY 443 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,133 WERE ATTACKING IT BECAUSE IT WAS AMERICAN. 444 00:24:23,133 --> 00:24:25,667 LOOK. I UNDERSTOOD WHY THEY WERE MAD AT AMERICA. 445 00:24:25,667 --> 00:24:28,266 A DANISH CARTOONIST DID SOMETHING OFFENSIVE, IT WAS 446 00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:30,900 REPRINTED IN FRANCE, GERMANY, AND TURKEY, SO NATURALLY IT'S 447 00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:40,367 OUR FAULT! 448 00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:41,934 BUT THEY WERE ATTACKING-- 449 00:24:41,934 --> 00:24:44,433 YOU KNOW THE CREEPY RONALD THAT SITS ON THE BENCH 450 00:24:44,433 --> 00:24:49,633 AND STARES INTO THE PLAYLAND? 451 00:24:49,633 --> 00:24:51,533 THEY HAD KNOCKED HIM INTO THE DIRT, AND THEY WERE 452 00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:59,767 STOMPING ON HIM, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE'S A JEW. 453 00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:02,934 AND THEY WERE STARING DEFIANTLY INTO THE CAMERA. 454 00:25:02,934 --> 00:25:05,233 LIKE WE, AS AMERICANS, ARE GONNA SIT HOME 455 00:25:05,233 --> 00:25:10,333 GOING, "OH, NO. 456 00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:16,700 "NOT THE SHINY, RED-HEADED, PLASTIC PEDOPHILE, WHO SITS 457 00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,667 "OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT THAT MAKES ME SHIT 3 MINUTES 458 00:25:19,667 --> 00:25:20,734 "AFTER I EAT IT. 459 00:25:20,734 --> 00:25:32,233 NOOOO!" 460 00:25:32,233 --> 00:25:33,533 WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NEXT? 461 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:45,533 CUT THE CLIT OFF THE WENDY'S GIRL? 462 00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:49,467 LOOK. EVERY RELIGION GETS ATTACKED SOMEHOW IN THE MEDIA. 463 00:25:49,467 --> 00:25:51,467 IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE TO REACT VIOLENTLY. 464 00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:55,066 NOT LONG AFTER THOSE RIOTS, KANYE WEST APPEARED 465 00:25:55,066 --> 00:25:57,300 ON THE COVER OF "ROLLING STONE" WEARING A CROWN 466 00:25:57,300 --> 00:26:01,767 OF THORNS, AND THAT OFFENDED AND PISSED OFF A LOT OF PEOPLE. 467 00:26:01,767 --> 00:26:03,633 IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME. I KNEW WHY HE WAS DOING IT. 468 00:26:03,633 --> 00:26:05,600 LIKE, HE'S A RAPPER, THEY'RE UNDERPAID, THEY'RE MARTYRS. 469 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:10,567 I GET IT. 470 00:26:10,567 --> 00:26:13,700 BUT THERE WAS A LOT OF VERY, VERY ANGRY CHRISTIANS, 471 00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:15,567 BUT THEY WEREN'T SHOWING VIOLENCE, THEY WEREN'T 472 00:26:15,567 --> 00:26:17,800 ATTACKING BLACK INTERESTS, YOU KNOW, RUNNING THROUGH 473 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:30,800 SUPERMARKETS, DUMPING KOOL-AID ALL OVER THE FLOOR. 474 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,967 BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF 300-POUND WHITE GIRLS WHO ARE 475 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:44,433 PISSED OFF AT THEIR FATHERS. 476 00:26:44,433 --> 00:26:51,834 PISSED OFF AT THEIR FATHERS. 477 00:26:51,834 --> 00:26:54,266 I WILL SAY ONE THING ABOUT ISLAMIC TERRORISM. 478 00:26:54,266 --> 00:26:56,967 IT HAS MADE WHITE PEOPLE AND BLACK PEOPLE A LOT HAPPIER TO 479 00:26:56,967 --> 00:27:03,867 SEE EACH OTHER IN THE AIRPORTS. 480 00:27:03,867 --> 00:27:07,800 I DO NOT HAVE ONE OUNCE OF RACIAL DISCOMFORT WITH BLACK 481 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,166 PEOPLE ON A PLANE. 482 00:27:09,166 --> 00:27:11,266 I DON'T CARE IF I'M THE ONLY WHITE FACE. 483 00:27:11,266 --> 00:27:14,367 IT COULD BE ME AND THE WU-TANG CLAN. 484 00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:17,967 "WELCOME ABOARD, FELLAS." 485 00:27:17,967 --> 00:27:19,266 GRANTED, I'M NOT GOING TO HEAR A WORD 486 00:27:19,266 --> 00:27:30,233 OF THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE... 487 00:27:30,233 --> 00:27:32,200 BUT AT LEAST I KNOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SAFE, 488 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,734 HIJACKING-FREE FLIGHT. 489 00:27:34,734 --> 00:27:36,633 THEN ONCE WE LAND, THEY CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME 490 00:27:36,633 --> 00:27:45,300 AND TAKE MY STARTER JACKET AT BAGGAGE CLAIM. 491 00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,934 AND, LIKE, AS AMERICANS, WE DON'T WANT TO BE RACIST. 492 00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:49,967 I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MIDDLE EASTERN GUYS WHO ARE JUST 493 00:27:49,967 --> 00:27:52,266 LIVING HONEST LIVES FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT IT'S 494 00:27:52,266 --> 00:27:54,400 INSTINCTIVE BECAUSE THE ATTACKS ARE BEING CARRIED OUT 495 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,767 BY CIVILIANS, SO IF I SEE MIDDLE EASTERN GUYS GETTING 496 00:27:56,767 --> 00:27:58,867 ON MY FLIGHT, I WISH I DIDN'T, BUT I LOOK A LITTLE--A 497 00:27:58,867 --> 00:28:00,700 LITTLE DIFFERENTLY. 498 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:04,600 UM, YOU KNOW, I TRY TO LOOK LIKE I'M AN AIR MARSHAL... 499 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,934 BUT I'M NOT AT ALL INTIMIDATING, SO I LOOK LIKE 500 00:28:06,934 --> 00:28:14,433 I'M CRUISING THEM IN A REST AREA. 501 00:28:14,433 --> 00:28:17,300 FOR A WHILE, YOU COULDN'T BRING WATER ON THE FLIGHT. 502 00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,300 THAT IS SCARY--WATER! 503 00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:22,166 ALL I WANT ON A PLANE IS TO NOT HIT A MOUNTAIN AND SIP 504 00:28:22,166 --> 00:28:24,066 MY BEVERAGE. 505 00:28:24,066 --> 00:28:25,367 WHY WATER? 506 00:28:25,367 --> 00:28:37,800 WHY COULDN'T THEY PUT BOMBS INSIDE A CRYING INFANT? 507 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,033 HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE? 508 00:28:39,033 --> 00:28:40,834 FINALLY, NO MORE OF THOSE LITTLE DOUCHEBAGS 509 00:28:40,834 --> 00:28:42,633 ON THE PLANE. 510 00:28:42,633 --> 00:28:44,066 "THAT'S MY BABY." 511 00:28:44,066 --> 00:28:53,166 FUCK YOU, LADY. ANYONE UNDER 5 HAS TO BE FEDEXED. 512 00:28:53,166 --> 00:28:55,367 I'M NOT BLOWING UP IN MID-AIR BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T 513 00:28:55,367 --> 00:29:00,500 HAVE THE DECENCY TO PULL OUT AND AIM FOR YOUR FACE. 514 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:03,033 I TELL YOU ONE THING, MAN, WE REALLY ARE BECOMING 515 00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:07,333 A CELEBRITY-OBSESSED COUNTRY, AND THE MEDIA IS JUST 516 00:29:07,333 --> 00:29:09,667 REPULSIVE, AND I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T GET STAR-STRUCK OR I 517 00:29:09,667 --> 00:29:11,066 DON'T LOVE CELEBRITIES. 518 00:29:11,066 --> 00:29:13,600 I DO. I LOVE THEM, BUT, JESUS CHRIST, THE WAY THEY 519 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,633 COVERED THE VIRGINIA TECH SHOOTING IS THE SAME WAY THEY COVERED IMUS. 520 00:29:17,633 --> 00:29:20,700 IT'S THE SAME WAY THEY COVERED ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S DEATH. 521 00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:22,200 ARE WE OK TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW? 522 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,300 ARE WE OVER IT? 523 00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:25,900 I HAD TO TAKE A WEEK OFF MYSELF. 524 00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:31,300 COULD YOU BELIEVE IT WAS DRUGS? 525 00:29:31,300 --> 00:29:33,266 DID WE NEED A FUCKING PRESS CONFERENCE FOR THAT? 526 00:29:33,266 --> 00:29:35,600 THEY SHOULD HAVE COME OUT AN HOUR LATER. 527 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,266 "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT WAS? 528 00:29:39,266 --> 00:29:40,300 "IT WAS AS PLANE CRASH. 529 00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:42,400 "SHE DIED IN A PLANE CRASH. 530 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:47,266 HER PLANE HIT A MOUNTAIN OF METHAMPHETAMINES." 531 00:29:47,266 --> 00:29:49,600 JESUS CHRIST. THAT JUNKIE BITCH, THEY FOUND EVERYTHING 532 00:29:49,600 --> 00:30:01,800 IN HER SYSTEM BUT TRIMSPA. 533 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,266 YOU KNOW, AND THE BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE. 534 00:30:04,266 --> 00:30:05,567 SHE'S SO FUCKING PHONY. 535 00:30:05,567 --> 00:30:06,800 AND I DON'T HATE BRITNEY. 536 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,133 AGAIN, I STARTED TO LIKE HER WHEN SHE TRIED TO 537 00:30:08,133 --> 00:30:19,633 LOOK LIKE ME. 538 00:30:19,633 --> 00:30:21,233 I DON'T THINK SHE'S IN BIG TROUBLE. 539 00:30:21,233 --> 00:30:24,233 I THINK SHE'S BEING PHONY AND JUST DOING THE WHOLE "STAR 540 00:30:24,233 --> 00:30:26,567 WITH A PROBLEM" ROUTINE TO GET SOME ATTENTION 541 00:30:26,567 --> 00:30:28,200 BECAUSE NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT HER ANYMORE. 542 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:29,567 NOBODY TALKS ABOUT FUCKING HER. 543 00:30:29,567 --> 00:30:30,867 NOBODY CARES. 544 00:30:30,867 --> 00:30:32,433 I MEAN, FOR YEARS SHE WAS REALLY SEXY, 545 00:30:32,433 --> 00:30:35,000 AND NOW PEOPLE JUST LOOK AT HER LIKE SHE'S A MOM AND NOT 546 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,100 LIKE A SEXY MILF TYPE OF MOTHER BUT A SHITTY 547 00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:41,533 SUSAN SMITH TYPE OF BITCH. 548 00:30:41,533 --> 00:30:43,100 I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST. 549 00:30:43,100 --> 00:30:46,400 AT LEAST ANGELINA JOLIE GOES TO SOME THIRD WORLD SHITBOX 550 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,500 AND GRABS SOME FUCKING THING AND PUTS IT ON HER SHOULDER 551 00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:58,333 AND WASHES IT AND WAVES AT THE CROWD. 552 00:30:58,333 --> 00:30:59,934 AND MAKES US ALL FEEL GUILTY. 553 00:30:59,934 --> 00:31:01,767 WE GET IT. YOU'RE A BETTER PERSON THAN WE ARE. 554 00:31:01,767 --> 00:31:03,900 WE GET IT. 555 00:31:03,900 --> 00:31:05,700 BUT, JESUS CHRIST, BRITNEY HAD HER OWN KIDS. 556 00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:07,767 SHE'S SWINGING ON BY THE COCK, THE OTHER ONE'S ON THE HOOD 557 00:31:07,767 --> 00:31:08,734 OF THE CAR. 558 00:31:08,734 --> 00:31:11,967 SHE'S DOING 80. 559 00:31:11,967 --> 00:31:14,834 JESUS CHRIST. K-FED WAS NO DUMMY BECAUSE HE GOT BRITNEY 560 00:31:14,834 --> 00:31:16,133 PREGNANT TWICE. 561 00:31:16,133 --> 00:31:17,800 YOU KNOW EVERY TIME HE FUCKED HER HE PROBABLY JUST CAME 562 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:22,867 AND WENT, "AHHHH. CHA-CHING. CHA-CHING." 563 00:31:22,867 --> 00:31:25,233 HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WASTE A LOAD IN 3 YEARS. 564 00:31:25,233 --> 00:31:27,633 SHE'D GO ON THE ROAD, HE'D JERK OFF INTO A BAGGIE, 565 00:31:27,633 --> 00:31:29,834 AND THEN WHEN SHE CAME BACK, HE'D SQUEEZE IT INTO HER PUSSY 566 00:31:29,834 --> 00:31:39,667 LIKE SPACE FOOD. 567 00:31:39,667 --> 00:31:42,233 SHE'D WAKE UP, HE'D BE BETWEEN HER LEGS DECORATING A CAKE. 568 00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:43,233 [PBBB] 569 00:31:43,233 --> 00:31:44,266 [PBBB] 570 00:31:44,266 --> 00:31:45,266 [PBBB] 571 00:31:45,266 --> 00:31:46,266 [PBBB] 572 00:31:51,266 --> 00:31:55,233 AND I DON'T MIND HER TRYING TO RECAPTURE HER SEXY IMAGE. 573 00:31:55,233 --> 00:31:58,033 THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME. 574 00:31:58,033 --> 00:32:00,967 IT'S THE WAY SHE'S BEING DISHONEST ABOUT IT. 575 00:32:00,967 --> 00:32:02,433 JUST POSE NAKED. 576 00:32:02,433 --> 00:32:05,066 DON'T TRY TO HANG OUT WITH PARIS HILTON AND SUCK OFF SOME 577 00:32:05,066 --> 00:32:07,834 OF THAT VIBE WITHOUT TAKING THE RISK OF BEING REALLY NUDE 578 00:32:07,834 --> 00:32:10,834 BECAUSE PARIS HILTON DESERVES TO BE A SEX SYMBOL BECAUSE SHE 579 00:32:10,834 --> 00:32:13,967 HAD SEX, HAD THE DECENCY TO FILM IT AND SELL IT, AND I 580 00:32:13,967 --> 00:32:17,066 APPRECIATE THAT. 581 00:32:17,066 --> 00:32:20,233 I RESPECT THAT, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THAT AWFUL GREEN LIGHT 582 00:32:20,233 --> 00:32:27,400 THAT THEY USE TO CATCH MEXICANS SNEAKING INTO TEXAS. 583 00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,800 BUT SHE WAS A GOOD LAY. 584 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,066 THAT SHOULD BE A REQUIREMENT TO BE A SEX SYMBOL IN THIS 585 00:32:31,066 --> 00:32:32,133 DAY AND AGE. 586 00:32:32,133 --> 00:32:33,533 WE SHOULD HAVE TO SEE YOU FUCK. 587 00:32:33,533 --> 00:32:35,200 WHO KNOWS WHAT MARILYN MONROE WAS LIKE? 588 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:36,433 SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN AWFUL. 589 00:32:36,433 --> 00:32:38,100 SHE MIGHT HAVE GRABBED DiMAGGIO'S BALLS AND JUST 590 00:32:38,100 --> 00:32:45,467 SMASHED THEM LIKE, "ARRRWWW." 591 00:32:45,467 --> 00:32:47,467 PARIS HILTON WAS WONDERFUL. 592 00:32:47,467 --> 00:32:50,734 SHE TOOK RICK SALOMON'S BIG OLD DICK WITH A BIG HILTON "H" 593 00:32:50,734 --> 00:32:52,700 BEHIND HER-- HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THAT-- 594 00:32:52,700 --> 00:32:56,066 SHAMING MOTHER AND FATHER. 595 00:32:56,066 --> 00:32:57,800 I WOULD HAVE RESPECTED HER MORE IF SHE DID IT 596 00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,100 IN A RAMADA INN. 597 00:32:59,100 --> 00:33:04,867 THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT FUCK YOU TO THE FAMILY. 598 00:33:04,867 --> 00:33:06,367 MMWWW, MMWWWW. 599 00:33:06,367 --> 00:33:07,934 "AND THESE BEDS ARE SO COMFY!" 600 00:33:07,934 --> 00:33:16,200 MMWWW, MMWWW. 601 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,400 BUT YOU SEE, BRITNEY SPEARS TRIED TO TAKE A PAGE OUT 602 00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,967 OF THAT PLAYBOOK BY DOING THE LITTLE OOPSIE SHOTS WHEN SHE 603 00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:23,266 GOT OUT OF THE LIMO. 604 00:33:23,266 --> 00:33:25,166 "OOPSIE DAISY. DON'T LOOK UP MY SKIRT. 605 00:33:25,166 --> 00:33:28,867 TEE HEE HEE. DON'T LOOK!" 606 00:33:28,867 --> 00:33:31,266 AND HER PUSSY WAS THE UGLIEST PUSSY I HAVE EVER SEEN 607 00:33:31,266 --> 00:33:32,433 IN MY LIFE. 608 00:33:32,433 --> 00:33:34,700 BRITNEY SPEARS' VAGINA WAS ATROCIOUS. 609 00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:45,867 IT LOOKED LIKE BILL MURRAY'S MOUTH IN CADDYSHACK. 610 00:33:45,867 --> 00:33:49,233 AND ANOTHER THING I RESENT IS THE FACT THAT HEATHER MILLS IS 611 00:33:49,233 --> 00:33:53,367 SOMEHOW NOW A CELEBRITY IN OUR COUNTRY, PAUL MCCARTNEY'S 612 00:33:53,367 --> 00:33:54,767 SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE. 613 00:33:54,767 --> 00:33:56,600 WHY IS SHE A CELEBRITY? 614 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,333 I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THEIR MARRIAGE. 615 00:33:58,333 --> 00:34:00,467 I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I DO, BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, 616 00:34:00,467 --> 00:34:02,734 IT'S HER FAULT. 617 00:34:02,734 --> 00:34:05,367 BITCH, YOU HAVE ONE LEG, AND YOU MARRIED 618 00:34:05,367 --> 00:34:06,500 ONE OF THE BEATLES. 619 00:34:06,500 --> 00:34:09,600 HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP? 620 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,166 EVERY CONVERSATION IN THAT HOUSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN, "I'M 621 00:34:12,166 --> 00:34:13,400 A LITTLE HUNGRY, LOVE." 622 00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,567 "HERE'S YOUR SANDWICH." 623 00:34:14,567 --> 00:34:15,800 BLLA, BLLA, BLLA, BLLA. 624 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:23,133 HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP. 625 00:34:23,133 --> 00:34:30,600 HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP. 626 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,100 "WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER, LOVE." 627 00:34:32,100 --> 00:34:33,100 "ARE WE?" 628 00:34:33,100 --> 00:34:34,133 BLLA, BLLA, BLLA, BLLA. 629 00:34:34,133 --> 00:34:43,233 HOP, HOP, HOP. 630 00:34:43,233 --> 00:34:45,967 SHE WANTS $60 MILLION? 631 00:34:45,967 --> 00:34:47,700 THAT BITCH. SHE SHOULD LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE WITH NOTHING 632 00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:53,066 BUT A BAG OF PRISTINE LEFT SHOES. 633 00:34:53,066 --> 00:34:54,934 I'D LOVE TO PUSH HER INTO A POOL AND WATCH HER SWIM 634 00:34:54,934 --> 00:35:00,533 IN CIRCLES FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. 635 00:35:00,533 --> 00:35:01,967 WHY WOULD HE MARRY HER? 636 00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:03,967 YOU WANT TO FUCK HER DOGGIE STYLE, YOU GOT TO PROP HER UP 637 00:35:03,967 --> 00:35:12,734 WITH PHONE BOOKS. 638 00:35:12,734 --> 00:35:14,734 AW, YOU KNOW WHO I HAVE GROWN TO LOVE BY THE WAY? 639 00:35:14,734 --> 00:35:17,867 CAN I TELL YOU WHO I NEVER LIKED AND LIKE NOW? ANN COULTER. 640 00:35:17,867 --> 00:35:20,066 I NEVER LIKED HER BECAUSE I THINK SHE'S KIND OF A SNOTTY 641 00:35:20,066 --> 00:35:23,867 TWAT OF A HUMAN BEING, BUT SHE HAS BALLS, MAN. 642 00:35:23,867 --> 00:35:25,567 SHE REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE. 643 00:35:25,567 --> 00:35:28,300 SHE CALLED JOHN EDWARDS A FAGGOT, AND THE WHOLE COUNTRY 644 00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:31,066 WAS, YOU KNOW, "HOW COULD SHE CALL JOHN EDWARDS A FAGGOT?" 645 00:35:31,066 --> 00:35:32,233 GEE. I DON'T KNOW. 646 00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:36,600 MAYBE SHE LOOKED AT HIM ONCE? 647 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:43,333 THE GUY HAS HAIR LIKE ONE OF THE LEGO PEOPLE. 648 00:35:43,333 --> 00:35:45,767 AND TO ME, HE PROVED THE FACT THAT HE WASN'T QUALIFIED TO BE 649 00:35:45,767 --> 00:35:48,000 PRESIDENT OR ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T EVEN BE 650 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,467 HONEST AS A MAN IN HIS RESPONSE TO WHAT SHE SAID. 651 00:35:51,467 --> 00:35:54,500 HE CAME OFF LIKE SOME FUCKING MID-LEVEL RETAIL MANAGER. 652 00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,367 "I HAVE NO OPINION ON ANN COULTER." 653 00:35:57,367 --> 00:35:58,633 HOW COULD YOU NOT? 654 00:35:58,633 --> 00:36:02,467 SHE JUST TOLD THE WHOLE COUNTRY THAT YOU SUCK DICKS. 655 00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:04,300 HOW DO YOU NOT MAKE FUN OF ANN COULTER? 656 00:36:04,300 --> 00:36:07,300 SHE'S AN 80-POUND ANOREXIC WITH WITCH HAIR AND A NECK 657 00:36:07,300 --> 00:36:08,266 LIKE A TRANNY. 658 00:36:08,266 --> 00:36:11,166 HOW DO YOU NOT TRASH HER? 659 00:36:11,166 --> 00:36:13,600 OOH! WOULD I LIKE TO DOMINATE THAT DIRTY BITCH SEXUALLY. 660 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,767 I WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING HARDCORE WITH HER BECAUSE I AM 661 00:36:16,767 --> 00:36:18,333 VERY DOMINANT IN BED. 662 00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:21,367 YEAH. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY IT'S RAPE. 663 00:36:21,367 --> 00:36:24,233 NO. 664 00:36:24,233 --> 00:36:28,000 NO. 665 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,867 AT THE END, I ALWAYS SHOW THEM THAT THE GUN IS FAKE. 666 00:36:29,867 --> 00:36:31,934 I'M LIKE, "HUH, HUH? 667 00:36:31,934 --> 00:36:38,500 "OH, YOU GOT ME. TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" 668 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:40,367 OH, I WOULD LIKE TO GRAB ANN COULTER BY THE HAIR AND JUST 669 00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:43,367 LAY HER BACK AND HAVE HER HEAD HANG OVER THE EDGE OF THE BED 670 00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,867 AND PINCH HER NOSE, AND WHEN SHE WENT... 671 00:36:44,867 --> 00:36:46,033 [POP-AHH] 672 00:36:46,033 --> 00:36:47,867 I WOULD JUST STRADDLE HER FACE AND MOUTH-FUCK HER. 673 00:36:47,867 --> 00:36:49,433 UGHHH. 674 00:36:49,433 --> 00:36:53,867 UHHHN. 675 00:36:53,867 --> 00:36:56,066 SHE WOULD SOUND LIKE LUCA BRASI BEING KILLED. 676 00:36:56,066 --> 00:36:58,600 "OHHHHH!" 677 00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:00,734 TEARS WOULD ROLL OUT OVER THE TOP OF HER FOREHEAD 678 00:37:00,734 --> 00:37:01,834 AND INTO HER HAIR. 679 00:37:01,834 --> 00:37:06,500 "UGHHH!" 680 00:37:06,500 --> 00:37:10,300 JESUS CHRIST. NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY FAGGOT. THAT'S THE F-WORD. 681 00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:12,734 "DON'T SAY THE F-WORD. DON'T SAY THE N-WORD. DON'T SAY THE C-WORD." 682 00:37:12,734 --> 00:37:14,400 HOW THE HELL IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE 683 00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:20,400 ADDRESSING THEM? 684 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,533 AND IT'S SO WEIRD. LIKE, I HAVE TO PULL BACK. 685 00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:25,300 MY GIRLFRIEND'S REALLY OPEN-MINDED, BUT I PANIC THAT 686 00:37:25,300 --> 00:37:28,600 I'M GONNA FREAK HER OUT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SUCH A DIRTBAG FOR SO LONG. 687 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,767 LIKE, YOU EVER THINK YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY WANTS SEXUALLY, 688 00:37:30,767 --> 00:37:33,867 AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU READ HER WRONG? 689 00:37:33,867 --> 00:37:35,033 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 690 00:37:35,033 --> 00:37:36,800 YOU'RE LIKE, "I BET YOU WANT TO BE SPANKED." 691 00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,633 "I DON'T LIKE BEING SPANKED." 692 00:37:39,633 --> 00:37:43,200 "I DON'T BLAME YOU." 693 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:47,100 "WHY WOULD YOU? YOU'RE AN ADULT." 694 00:37:47,100 --> 00:37:50,533 OR THE WORST, YOU EVER GO TO SPANK SOMEBODY AND MISS? 695 00:37:50,533 --> 00:37:53,934 SEXY VIBE OVER. 696 00:37:53,934 --> 00:37:57,166 LIKE INSTEAD OF A CRISPY SLAP TO THE ASS CHEEK, YOUR WRIST 697 00:37:57,166 --> 00:37:59,133 CLUMSILY THUDS ON HER SPINE? 698 00:37:59,133 --> 00:38:00,300 THWACK! 699 00:38:00,300 --> 00:38:02,867 "OWWW! 700 00:38:02,867 --> 00:38:04,633 MY CYST! 701 00:38:04,633 --> 00:38:09,900 OWWW!" 702 00:38:09,900 --> 00:38:17,700 NOW YOU GOT TO WIPE TAPIOCA OFF THE WALL. 703 00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,433 BUT I NOTICE WEIRD STUFF IN BED, TOO. 704 00:38:19,433 --> 00:38:21,800 IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW A NEW PERSON SEXUALLY, 705 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,800 HOW, LIKE, YOUR MIND WORKS REALLY WEIRD. 706 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,066 LIKE, YOU EVER NOTICE NON-SEXUAL THINGS 707 00:38:26,066 --> 00:38:27,467 IN A SEXUAL MOMENT? 708 00:38:27,467 --> 00:38:28,900 LIKE, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE IN BED. 709 00:38:28,900 --> 00:38:31,400 I'M LAYING ON MY BACK TRYING TO SUCK IN MY STUPID GUT, 710 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,100 AND SHE'S SITTING BETWEEN MY LEGS, AND SHE'S 711 00:38:33,100 --> 00:38:34,900 PLAYING WITH ME. 712 00:38:34,900 --> 00:38:38,200 UH, SEXY THOUGH. I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE "ERRRRHHH. 713 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,667 OHHH?" 714 00:38:42,667 --> 00:38:46,300 AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I NOTICED THAT SHE WAS JERKING ME OFF 715 00:38:46,300 --> 00:38:47,633 WITH HER LEFT HAND. 716 00:38:47,633 --> 00:38:49,934 I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT REGISTERED, AND I CERTAINLY 717 00:38:49,934 --> 00:38:59,233 DON'T KNOW WHY I BLURTED OUT "YOU'RE A LEFTY?" 718 00:38:59,233 --> 00:39:01,266 I GET SO FREAKED OUT SEXUALLY, MAN. 719 00:39:01,266 --> 00:39:04,200 THAT'S THE SOURCE OF MY GREATEST INSECURITY, AND I 720 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:05,934 THINK THAT'S THE TRUTH WITH MOST MEN. 721 00:39:05,934 --> 00:39:08,066 MAYBE WOMEN, TOO. I DON'T KNOW. 722 00:39:08,066 --> 00:39:11,300 UM, HOW MUCH DISCUSSION OF A PERSON'S PAST SEXUAL HISTORY 723 00:39:11,300 --> 00:39:12,633 IS APPROPRIATE? 724 00:39:12,633 --> 00:39:14,834 I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW, ARE GUYS AS A COUPLE? 725 00:39:14,834 --> 00:39:16,667 ALL RIGHT. DID YOU ASK HER QUESTIONS ABOUT HER 726 00:39:16,667 --> 00:39:18,400 PAST SEXUALLY? 727 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:19,834 NO. YOU DIDN'T. OK. 728 00:39:19,834 --> 00:39:22,367 THERE'S TWO TYPES OF MEN IN THE WORLD-- 729 00:39:22,367 --> 00:39:25,567 SMART MEN... 730 00:39:25,567 --> 00:39:30,133 AND DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS. 731 00:39:30,133 --> 00:39:31,266 THAT'S THE WAY TO GO. 732 00:39:31,266 --> 00:39:32,834 DON'T ASK SHIT. 733 00:39:32,834 --> 00:39:34,233 SEE, A LOT OF GUYS DON'T WANT TO KNOW. 734 00:39:34,233 --> 00:39:35,700 THEY WANT TO THINK THE PANTIES ARE COMING OFF. 735 00:39:35,700 --> 00:39:37,433 THAT IS THE PUSSY COMING OUT OF THE PACKAGE FOR THE VERY 736 00:39:37,433 --> 00:39:38,967 FIRST TIME. 737 00:39:38,967 --> 00:39:41,467 YOU WANT TO BLOW ON IT AND SEE THOSE LITTLE PACKING PEANUTS 738 00:39:41,467 --> 00:39:46,567 FLY OFF OF IT, AND I ACTUALLY MADE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING MY 739 00:39:46,567 --> 00:39:52,367 GIRLFRIEND HOW BIG HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S DICK WAS. 740 00:39:52,367 --> 00:39:56,700 CHECK ETHNICITY FIRST. 741 00:39:56,700 --> 00:39:58,500 I DON'T KNOW WHY I ASKED, MAN. 742 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:00,133 IT WAS SO STUPID. 743 00:40:00,133 --> 00:40:01,633 WE'RE JUST TALKING. I'M LIKE, "WELL, DID YOUR EX HAVE 744 00:40:01,633 --> 00:40:02,734 A BIG DICK?" 745 00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:04,967 AND SHE GOES "WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?" 746 00:40:04,967 --> 00:40:07,300 WHICH IMMEDIATELY SET OFF A LITTLE ALARM BECAUSE THAT'S 747 00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:11,567 A LOT LONGER THAN "NO." 748 00:40:11,567 --> 00:40:13,367 I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST CURIOUS. 749 00:40:13,367 --> 00:40:14,567 WAS HIS DICK BIG?" 750 00:40:14,567 --> 00:40:16,433 AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEEAAH, BUT IT WAS KIND 751 00:40:16,433 --> 00:40:17,433 OF UNCOMFORTABLE. 752 00:40:17,433 --> 00:40:23,333 IT WAS LIKE A PEPSI CAN." 753 00:40:23,333 --> 00:40:26,200 A PEPSI CAN? 754 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:32,066 "FIRST OF ALL, DID YOU HAVE TO BE BRAND LOYAL? 755 00:40:32,066 --> 00:40:34,233 "AND SECOND OF ALL, YOU WHORE! 756 00:40:34,233 --> 00:40:36,333 "HOW WAS THAT ONLY KIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE? 757 00:40:36,333 --> 00:40:43,233 IF THERE'S A PEPSI CAN IN YOUR PUSSY, IT SHOULD HURT A LOT!" 758 00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:45,333 AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHY IT BOTHERS YOU." 759 00:40:45,333 --> 00:40:47,033 GEE, I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE MY NICKNAME ISN'T 760 00:40:47,033 --> 00:40:48,300 TWO-LITER JIMMY! 761 00:40:48,300 --> 00:40:53,033 HOW DO I FOLLOW THAT? 762 00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:55,367 HOW DO I EVER DOMINATE HER SEXUALLY AGAIN. 763 00:40:55,367 --> 00:41:02,400 "YEAH, TAKE IT ALL, AND 5 MORE LIKE IT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. 764 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,967 LAY BACK, BABY. I'M GOING TO FILL YOU WITH AVERAGENESS 765 00:41:04,967 --> 00:41:08,467 AND MEDIOCRITY." 766 00:41:08,467 --> 00:41:10,100 A PEPSI CAN! 767 00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:16,500 RED BULL I MAYBE COULD HAVE ACCEPTED, BUT PEPSI? 768 00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:19,433 AND THE BETTER SHE TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL, THE MORE I 769 00:41:19,433 --> 00:41:21,333 WANTED TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, 770 00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:22,367 YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY. 771 00:41:22,367 --> 00:41:23,767 YOURS IS NICE." 772 00:41:23,767 --> 00:41:25,800 UGHHHH. 773 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,800 SO'S MY GRANDMOTHER. YOU DON'T WANT HER SHOVED 774 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:32,033 IN YOUR SNATCH DO, YOU? 775 00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:34,433 NICE? GOOD. THE NEXT TIME I TAKE MY DICK OUT, HAND IT 776 00:41:34,433 --> 00:41:41,633 A LEMON COOKIE AND PAT IT ON THE HELMET. 777 00:41:41,633 --> 00:41:45,567 INSECURITY IS SO BAD SEXUALLY BECAUSE WE'VE ALSO GOT THIS 778 00:41:45,567 --> 00:41:49,200 THING GOING ON--SHE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT ME, AND WE BOTH--I'M 779 00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:52,400 WEARING CONDOMS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. 780 00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,467 I'M WEARING CONDOMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP, AND IT'S NOT MY 781 00:41:54,467 --> 00:41:55,633 CHOICE, BELIEVE ME. 782 00:41:55,633 --> 00:41:57,000 I MEAN, FOR YEARS, MY IDEA OF AN AIDS 783 00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:58,333 TEST WAS TO CHECK A GIRL UP AND DOWN. 784 00:41:58,333 --> 00:42:00,800 "ALL RIGHT. YOU SEEM FINE. 785 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:05,133 YOU'RE NOT COUGHING OR TIPPING OVER, I'LL FUCK YOU." 786 00:42:05,133 --> 00:42:07,066 BUT MY GIRLFRIEND WAS LIKE, "NO. BEFORE WE HAVE ANY 787 00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:09,767 "UNPROTECTED SEX, WE ARE BOTH GETTING TESTED. 788 00:42:09,767 --> 00:42:12,133 YOU GET TESTED. I'LL GET TESTED, TOO." 789 00:42:12,133 --> 00:42:14,100 IT'S LIKE STOP PATRONIZING ME. WE BOTH KNOW WHO 790 00:42:14,100 --> 00:42:17,033 THE PROBLEM IS. 791 00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:18,567 "WHY ARE YOU GETTING TESTED? 792 00:42:18,567 --> 00:42:20,100 "DID YOU EVER GO TO BRAZIL AND FUCK A HOOKER 793 00:42:20,100 --> 00:42:21,100 "WITHOUT A RUBBER? 794 00:42:21,100 --> 00:42:22,233 I DIDN'T THINK SO ROOKIE. 795 00:42:22,233 --> 00:42:30,100 HAVE JELL-O. I'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR." 796 00:42:30,100 --> 00:42:33,700 NEVER BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO GET YOUR TEST RESULTS 797 00:42:33,700 --> 00:42:36,166 BECAUSE NO GIRL WANTS TO SEE HER BOYFRIEND RUN OUT 798 00:42:36,166 --> 00:42:41,000 OF THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE SCREAMING, "HOLY SHIT! I'M OK! 799 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,867 "I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK THAT HAPPENED. 800 00:42:43,867 --> 00:42:47,734 "OH, STATISTICALLY, THAT IS A MIRACLE. 801 00:42:47,734 --> 00:42:49,233 "I NEVER WORE A BAG. 802 00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:54,100 HA HA HA HA!" 803 00:42:54,100 --> 00:42:56,900 WHAT HAPPENED WAS ONE NIGHT WE WERE SENDING EACH OTHER 804 00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:59,233 OVER-THE-TOP DIRTY TEXT MESSAGES, 805 00:42:59,233 --> 00:43:00,967 JUST BEING SILLY AND PLAYFUL, 806 00:43:00,967 --> 00:43:03,367 LIKE RALLY DIRTY THINGS LIKE, "I'M GONNA SMACK YOUR FACE 807 00:43:03,367 --> 00:43:06,867 WITH MY DICK AND KNOCK YOUR TEETH LOOSE." 808 00:43:06,867 --> 00:43:12,000 SHE WROTE THAT TO ME! 809 00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,934 AND I THINK I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT, LIKE, "I WANT YOU TO 810 00:43:13,934 --> 00:43:18,567 EAT MY ASS UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME, YOU SILLY GOOSE." 811 00:43:18,567 --> 00:43:20,533 AND I'VE NEVER BEEN BIG ON HAVING MY ASS EATEN. 812 00:43:20,533 --> 00:43:21,900 I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. 813 00:43:21,900 --> 00:43:23,533 UM, IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, GOD BLESS YOU. 814 00:43:23,533 --> 00:43:24,900 IT DOES FEEL GOOD. 815 00:43:24,900 --> 00:43:27,333 ANY OF YOU, BY THE WAY, MALE OR FEMALE, WOULD BE LUCKY 816 00:43:27,333 --> 00:43:29,734 TO BURY YOUR FACE IN MY DUMPER. 817 00:43:29,734 --> 00:43:34,800 IT'S THIS BIG. THERE'S NOT A HAIR ON THE LITTLE FELLA. 818 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:40,734 IT LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN'S HEAD SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE. 819 00:43:40,734 --> 00:43:42,834 AND ONE GIRL I DATED LOVED TO EAT MY ASS. 820 00:43:42,834 --> 00:43:44,967 SHE WAS A LITTLE SUBMISSIVE. I'D PUT HER ON HER BACK, 821 00:43:44,967 --> 00:43:47,166 AND I'D PLOP MY ASS ON HER MOUTH. 822 00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:53,633 I'D SAY SOMETHING SEXY--"LICK." 823 00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:55,500 BUT ONE TIME, I THINK I HAD TOO MUCH WEIGHT ON HER 824 00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:57,600 BECAUSE SHE STARTED SLAPPING MY THIGH. 825 00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,500 IT WAS LIKE THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP. 826 00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:03,633 SHE WAS TRYING TO TAP OUT. 827 00:44:03,633 --> 00:44:05,834 I DIDN'T REALIZE SHE COULDN'T BREATHE! 828 00:44:05,834 --> 00:44:07,100 I LIFTED UP, AND SHE WAS LIKE... 829 00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:10,567 [WHEEZING] 830 00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:14,934 I ALMOST KILLED A GIRL WITH MY ASSHOLE! 831 00:44:14,934 --> 00:44:16,433 AND I HAD VERY MIXED FEELINGS. 832 00:44:16,433 --> 00:44:18,667 LIKE, I WAS GLAD SHE WAS OK, BUT A PART OF ME WAS LIKE, 833 00:44:18,667 --> 00:44:23,100 "MAN, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT STORY." 834 00:44:23,100 --> 00:44:26,266 SO MY GIRLFRIEND SAID TO ME-- WE WERE TALKING LATER THAT 835 00:44:26,266 --> 00:44:28,000 NIGHT ABOUT THE TEXT MESSAGES, AND SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW 836 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,300 THE ASS EATING THING?" I WAS LIKE, "YEAH." 837 00:44:30,300 --> 00:44:31,700 AND SHE'S LIKE, "I WOULD NEVER EAT YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU GOT 838 00:44:31,700 --> 00:44:33,000 TESTED FOR HEPATITIS." 839 00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,633 AND IT'S LIKE, JESUS CHRIST, I UNDERSTAND 840 00:44:34,633 --> 00:44:36,200 THE SCIENCE OF IT, BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T 841 00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:39,734 HAVE AIDS, GONORRHEA, SYPHILIS, CHLAMYDIA. 842 00:44:39,734 --> 00:44:42,166 SO IT'S LIKE THE FRONT IS OK, BUT THE BACK NEEDS 843 00:44:42,166 --> 00:44:44,233 FURTHER TESTING? 844 00:44:44,233 --> 00:44:46,667 UH, IT JUST FELT REALLY ANNOYING AND CREEPY, SO NOW I 845 00:44:46,667 --> 00:44:50,000 AM OBSESSED WITH HER EATING MY ASS, AND I GOT TESTED 846 00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,166 FOR HEPATITIS. 847 00:44:51,166 --> 00:44:53,500 I HAVE NOTHING. I AM COMPLETELY HEALTHY, YOU KNOW, 848 00:44:53,500 --> 00:44:57,500 THANKS TO THE MAGIC OF WHITE-OUT. 849 00:44:57,500 --> 00:44:59,266 THE WAY I'M GOING TO BREAK IT TO HER IS SHE'S GONNA WALK 850 00:44:59,266 --> 00:45:00,567 INTO MY LIVING ROOM ONE TIME. 851 00:45:00,567 --> 00:45:03,100 I'M GONNA HAVE MY PANTS AROUND MY ANKLES AND MY HEAD 852 00:45:03,100 --> 00:45:05,934 ON THE EDGE OF THE SOFA WITH MY TEST RESULTS 853 00:45:05,934 --> 00:45:10,000 TAPED TO MY BACK. 854 00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:22,133 "READ THE MENU, BITCH. BRUNCH IS SERVED." 855 00:45:22,133 --> 00:45:24,433 AND WE TRY NOT TO HAVE JEALOUSY IN THE RELATIONSHIP 856 00:45:24,433 --> 00:45:26,000 BECAUSE JEALOUSY IS A MOTHERFUCKER 857 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,734 IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND I HAVE IT WORSE THAN SHE DOES, 858 00:45:28,734 --> 00:45:34,667 BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT FREAKED HER OUT--THE PORN AWARDS. 859 00:45:34,667 --> 00:45:37,100 AND THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE PORN AWARDS FOR ME WAS NOT SEEING 860 00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,367 THE HOT CHICKS. 861 00:45:38,367 --> 00:45:41,166 IT WAS MEETING DIFFERENT CELEBRITIES LIKE LARRY FLYNT. 862 00:45:41,166 --> 00:45:44,300 I GOT TO TALK TO LARRY FLYNT, WHO GOT SHOT--ESPECIALLY 863 00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:46,400 WITH ALL THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON IN OUR COUNTRY NOW 864 00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:49,533 OVER POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND ALL THIS FUCKING NONSENSE. 865 00:45:49,533 --> 00:45:51,300 HE GOT SHOT FOR FREE SPEECH, MAN. 866 00:45:51,300 --> 00:45:52,800 I TRIED TO HAVE, LIKE, A MOMENT WITH HIM. 867 00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:54,800 I'M LIKE, "MR. FLYNT, I JUST WANT TO THANK 868 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:56,667 "YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR FREE SPEECH. 869 00:45:56,667 --> 00:45:58,367 "IT MEANS A LOT TO ME THAT YOU TOOK A BULLET 870 00:45:58,367 --> 00:46:00,033 AND YOU WENT TO THE SUPREME COURT." 871 00:46:00,033 --> 00:46:01,700 AND I THINK I MOVED HIM ON SOME LEVEL, BECAUSE HE'S 872 00:46:01,700 --> 00:46:11,734 LIKE, "AUUUGGGHHHHH." 873 00:46:11,734 --> 00:46:15,166 I'M PARAPHRASING. 874 00:46:15,166 --> 00:46:19,100 THEN I TIPPED OVER HIS WHEELCHAIR AND T-BAGGED HIM. 875 00:46:19,100 --> 00:46:21,333 "SMELL THOSE, GODLESS PORNOGRAPHER!" 876 00:46:21,333 --> 00:46:28,834 "AUUUGGGHHHHH." 877 00:46:28,834 --> 00:46:31,567 AND OF COURSE, THE EVENING WOULD NOT BE COMPLETE IF I 878 00:46:31,567 --> 00:46:34,266 DIDN'T INTRODUCE TWO OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, 879 00:46:34,266 --> 00:46:36,200 WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MUCH OF THIS 880 00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,667 CAREER--MY CAREER. 881 00:46:37,667 --> 00:46:39,633 OPIE AND ANTHONY, STAND UP. 882 00:46:39,633 --> 00:46:41,433 OPIE AND ANTHONY, YOU TWO. 883 00:46:41,433 --> 00:46:43,200 NO. OPIE AND ANTHONY, STAND UP. 884 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:56,567 THERE YOU GO. 885 00:46:56,567 --> 00:47:02,333 THERE YOU GO. 886 00:47:02,333 --> 00:47:09,934 THERE YOU GO. 887 00:47:09,934 --> 00:47:15,633 YES. 888 00:47:15,633 --> 00:47:17,734 THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH, AND THANKS FOR COMING, MAN. 889 00:47:17,734 --> 00:47:19,033 I'M GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE. 890 00:47:19,033 --> 00:47:23,934 THANK YOU, MAN. 891 00:47:23,934 --> 00:47:25,066 WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF THEY DON'T SIGN THE RELEASE, 892 00:47:25,066 --> 00:47:30,800 AND I HAVE TO JUST BLOB THEIR HEADS OUT? 893 00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,600 OH, SHIT. I GOT TO TELL YOU, TOO, A REALLY COOL SEXUAL 894 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:34,734 EXPERIENCE I HAD. 895 00:47:34,734 --> 00:47:37,100 ONE OF THE COOLEST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE I HAD 896 00:47:37,100 --> 00:47:38,834 IN THE 2004 PORN AWARDS. 897 00:47:38,834 --> 00:47:41,033 IT WAS--I HOSTED WITH JENNA JAMESON, AND AFTER 898 00:47:41,033 --> 00:47:46,233 THE PORN AWARDS, I HAD A THREESOME WITH RON JEREMY. 899 00:47:46,233 --> 00:47:49,533 UH, AND A GIRL, AND A GIRL! 900 00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:53,967 IT WASN'T RON AND A GUY AND LUCKY JIM! 901 00:47:53,967 --> 00:47:59,700 OR AS I'M NOW KNOWN, THE SHISH KEBAB KID! 902 00:47:59,700 --> 00:48:02,400 AND I'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED. 903 00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:05,500 UH, MY FRIEND DENNIS OWNS THE BUNNY RANCH, WHICH IS A LEGAL 904 00:48:05,500 --> 00:48:08,500 WHOREHOUSE IN NEVADA, WHICH HE'S INVITED ME TO MANY TIMES, 905 00:48:08,500 --> 00:48:09,900 AND I'VE NEVER GONE TO. 906 00:48:09,900 --> 00:48:12,467 LIKE, I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA THAT IT'S LEGAL AND FUN. 907 00:48:12,467 --> 00:48:13,900 IF I'M GONNA GET A HOOKER, I'M DON'T WANT TO BE 908 00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:15,133 PARTYING ON A RANCH. 909 00:48:15,133 --> 00:48:18,467 I WANT TO BE BEHIND A WAREHOUSE IN BROOKLYN FOR $35. 910 00:48:18,467 --> 00:48:20,266 YOU KNOW, SOME BLACK GIRL WITH ARMS LIKE KOBE BRYANT 911 00:48:20,266 --> 00:48:21,433 AND A CROOKED BLOND WIG. 912 00:48:21,433 --> 00:48:22,633 "HI, AGAIN, DADDY." 913 00:48:22,633 --> 00:48:27,266 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 914 00:48:27,266 --> 00:48:30,767 BUT I WAS SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE I WAS NOT MEETING ANY GIRLS 915 00:48:30,767 --> 00:48:33,667 AFTER THE PORN AWARDS, SO I GO UP TO DENNIS' ROOM, AND THIS 916 00:48:33,667 --> 00:48:35,066 IS COMPLETELY THE TRUTH. 917 00:48:35,066 --> 00:48:37,533 IT WAS THE MOST SURREAL THING I'D EVER SEEN. 918 00:48:37,533 --> 00:48:41,200 I WALK INTO THE ROOM, AND THERE IS RON JEREMY FUCKING A GIRL ON THE BED. 919 00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:44,000 UH, SHE'S ON HER HANDS AND KNEES, AND RONNIE IS STANDING BEHIND HER. 920 00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,734 I WALK IN. HE'S LIKE, "HEY, MAN, HOW'RE YOU DOING?" 921 00:48:46,734 --> 00:48:48,200 AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT." 922 00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,400 AND I CAN'T SEE MUCH BECAUSE HE HAS A LONG HOCKEY JERSEY, 923 00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:54,800 BUT THEN HE PULLS ALL THE WAY OUT, AND THERE IT WAS. 924 00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:57,967 JESUS DID I STARE. 925 00:48:57,967 --> 00:49:00,967 I THINK I EVEN WENT, "OOOH." 926 00:49:00,967 --> 00:49:03,600 I WAS COCK-STRUCK. 927 00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:10,900 I REALLY WANTED A PICTURE WITH IT. 928 00:49:10,900 --> 00:49:13,100 SO HE STARTS FUCKING HER AGAIN, AND LOOKS AT ME, AND HE 929 00:49:13,100 --> 00:49:15,200 GOES "HEY, MAN. I THINK SHE NEEDS A COCK IN HER MOUTH," 930 00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,533 WHICH IS MY CUE. 931 00:49:18,533 --> 00:49:20,200 SO I LOOK AT HER TO SEE IT IT'S OK 932 00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,166 BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO CONFIRM THAT. YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OVER 933 00:49:22,166 --> 00:49:23,867 AND JAM YOUR DICK IN SOMEONE'S MOUTH. 934 00:49:23,867 --> 00:49:25,166 YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE A SILLY GOOSE. 935 00:49:25,166 --> 00:49:26,333 "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 936 00:49:26,333 --> 00:49:28,867 "UH, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEEDED IT." 937 00:49:28,867 --> 00:49:30,400 BUT SHE WAS TOTALLY COOL. 938 00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:33,233 AND I'M NORMALLY NOT BIG ON BEING SEXUAL IN A GROUP 939 00:49:33,233 --> 00:49:34,633 BECAUSE I GET TOO NERVOUS, MAN. 940 00:49:34,633 --> 00:49:37,133 FOR ME TO KEEP AN ERECTION, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT. 941 00:49:37,133 --> 00:49:40,467 YOU KNOW, "DIM THE LIGHTS, TOUCH MY NIPPLES, NO TALKING!" 942 00:49:40,467 --> 00:49:41,967 BUT THIS IS RON JEREMY. 943 00:49:41,967 --> 00:49:43,734 THIS IS LIKE THE POPE GIVING MASS, SAYING, 944 00:49:43,734 --> 00:49:46,967 "COULD YOU COME UP AND HELP?" 945 00:49:46,967 --> 00:49:52,667 ALL RIGHT. IT'S NOT EXACTLY LIKE THAT. 946 00:49:52,667 --> 00:49:54,200 SO I TAKE IT OUT. 947 00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,934 UH, SHE GRABS IT, SHE POPS IT IN HER MOUTH. 948 00:49:56,934 --> 00:49:59,600 RON IS FUCKING HER, I AM HAVING A REAL 949 00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,834 AND LEGITIMATE THREESOME WITH A PORN LEGEND, AND I'M 950 00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:04,934 THINKING, "THIS IS GREAT." 951 00:50:04,934 --> 00:50:07,967 WITHOUT WARNING, RON GRABS HER HIPS AND GOES POW! 952 00:50:07,967 --> 00:50:14,066 AND SHE JUMPS FORWARD, AND MY LIFE FLASHES BEFORE MY EYES. 953 00:50:14,066 --> 00:50:17,934 AND HE SEES THE LOOK ON MY FACE, AND HE LAUGHS, AND HE 954 00:50:17,934 --> 00:50:20,700 GOES, "HA! I DID THAT ON PURPOSE. 955 00:50:20,700 --> 00:50:23,800 I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU THE BIGGEST NO-NO IN PORN. 956 00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,066 WHENEVER YOU'RE HAVING A TWO-ON-ONE, YOU NEVER THRUST 957 00:50:26,066 --> 00:50:33,500 THAT HARD, OR YOU COULD SERIOUSLY INJURE THE OTHER GUY." 958 00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:35,834 "THANK YOU." 959 00:50:35,834 --> 00:50:38,834 AND THEN I REALIZE, THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A GIANT 960 00:50:38,834 --> 00:50:43,900 COCK, WHEN YOU CAN INJURE ANOTHER PERSON... 961 00:50:43,900 --> 00:50:47,600 THROUGH A THIRD PARTY. 962 00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:50,500 IF I WANT TO HURT YOU WITH MY DICK, I HAVE TO POUR TABASCO 963 00:50:50,500 --> 00:50:59,767 SAUCE ON THE HELMET AND JAM IT IN YOUR EYE. 964 00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:02,967 AND I GOT TO SAY, I DON'T WANT TO END ON TOO POLITICAL A NOTE. 965 00:51:02,967 --> 00:51:04,500 I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO POLITICAL, BUT I GOT TO SAY, 966 00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:07,600 LADIES, PLEASE, SHAVE YOUR PUSSIES. 967 00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:15,567 SHAVE THEM! 968 00:51:15,567 --> 00:51:17,700 I HATE PUBIC HAIR! 969 00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,934 IF I SEE HAIR ON YOUR PUSSY, I'LL PUT TAPE ON IT 970 00:51:19,934 --> 00:51:21,900 AND RIP IT OFF MYSELF. 971 00:51:21,900 --> 00:51:23,033 DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHAVE? 972 00:51:23,033 --> 00:51:24,233 [RRRRCCH] 973 00:51:24,233 --> 00:51:33,166 THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TIME TO EAT LOBSTER. 974 00:51:33,166 --> 00:51:37,200 EVOLUTION GIVES US PUBIC HAIR SO WE DON'T FREEZE TO DEATH. 975 00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,433 WE HAVE THINGS NOW LIKE CLOTHING AND THE INDOORS, 976 00:51:40,433 --> 00:51:43,834 SO UNLESS A STEGOSAURUS IS LICKING YOUR TWAT, PICK UP 977 00:51:43,834 --> 00:51:45,000 A RAZOR, YOU CHIMP. 978 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:51,934 IT'S GETTING CAUGHT IN MY TEETH. 979 00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:53,333 AND A LOT OF TIMES, WOMEN DON'T GET IT. 980 00:51:53,333 --> 00:51:55,200 THEY ALWAYS SAY THINGS LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO SHAVE IT ALL. 981 00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:56,567 IT MAKES ME LOOK 12." 982 00:51:56,567 --> 00:52:06,300 YES! 983 00:52:06,300 --> 00:52:08,967 YOU SEE, I LIKE THINGS ON WOMEN THAT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T 984 00:52:08,967 --> 00:52:10,600 EVEN LIKE ON YOURSELVES. 985 00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,333 I FIND ODD THINGS SEXY. 986 00:52:12,333 --> 00:52:14,300 LIKE, I LIKE BIG, DARK AREOLAS. 987 00:52:14,300 --> 00:52:15,467 I LOVE THAT. 988 00:52:15,467 --> 00:52:17,000 THE ONE THAT STARTS AT THE NIPPLE AND ENDS 989 00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:19,700 AROUND THE THIRD RIB. 990 00:52:19,700 --> 00:52:21,433 I LOVE THAT. YOUR TITTIES SHOULD LOOK LIKE YOU'RE 991 00:52:21,433 --> 00:52:26,166 WEARING A BROWN DUNCE CAP. 992 00:52:26,166 --> 00:52:29,166 AND I LIKE A SHAVED PUSSY BECAUSE I LIKE TO SEE IT. 993 00:52:29,166 --> 00:52:33,767 I LOVE THE WAY A VAGINA LOOKS JUST FUCKING BARE AND NAKED 994 00:52:33,767 --> 00:52:35,100 AND FUCKING MASSIVE. 995 00:52:35,100 --> 00:52:38,100 I LIKE A BIG PUSSY, A STACK OF LUNCHEON MEAT. 996 00:52:38,100 --> 00:52:43,834 I LIKE--UNH--A GARGOYLE, A FUCKING GARGOYLE. 997 00:52:43,834 --> 00:52:50,100 AFTER WE FUCK, I WANT TO THROW YOUR CUNT ON TOP OF A LIBRARY. 998 00:52:50,100 --> 00:52:52,133 FUCKING BIG, MEATY PUSSY. 999 00:52:52,133 --> 00:52:53,800 WHEN YOU'RE WEARING WHITE PANTIES, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE 1000 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:57,400 FREDDIE KRUGER COMING THROUGH THE WALL. 1001 00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,900 UNH. 1002 00:52:59,900 --> 00:53:02,633 DANGLING, LONG LABIA. A PUSSY THAT RESEMBLES 1003 00:53:02,633 --> 00:53:08,233 A POORLY PACKED SUITCASE. 1004 00:53:08,233 --> 00:53:11,500 AND I KNOW A LOT OF GIRLS ARE GOING "THAT'S DISGUSTING." 1005 00:53:11,500 --> 00:53:15,033 I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU. 1006 00:53:15,033 --> 00:53:19,367 SO TAKE YOUR THIN PUSSY AND FUCKING BEAT IT. 1007 00:53:19,367 --> 00:53:21,834 TAKE THAT LITTLE GUPPY MOUTH YOU CALL A CUNT AND HIT 1008 00:53:21,834 --> 00:53:27,133 THE BRICKS, SISTER. 1009 00:53:27,133 --> 00:53:31,567 I LIKE A BIG, FAT, JUICY VAGINA, AND I LIKE A BIG CLIT. 1010 00:53:31,567 --> 00:53:39,333 I WANT A CLIT YOU CAN SEE THROUGH SNOW PANTS. 1011 00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,266 BIG, GIANT LIPS AND A FAT CLIT. 1012 00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:43,100 IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE A BASSET HOUND WEARING 1013 00:53:43,100 --> 00:53:55,000 A MINER'S HELMET. 1014 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:58,266 RETARDED. I WANT YOUR PUSSY TO LOOK RETARDED. 1015 00:53:58,266 --> 00:53:59,800 IT SHOULD HAVE DOWN SYNDROME. 1016 00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:02,100 WHEN YOUR PANTIES COME ASIDE, IT SHOULD JUST FLOP OUT. 1017 00:54:02,100 --> 00:54:08,600 "DUHHHH." 1018 00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:10,166 MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A GREAT PUSSY. 1019 00:54:10,166 --> 00:54:11,700 HER VAGINA FUCKING RULES. 1020 00:54:11,700 --> 00:54:15,200 IT'S OF THE SMALLER VARIETY, BUT IT'S WET. 1021 00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:18,166 I'VE NEVER FELT A WETTER PUSSY THAN MY GIRLFRIEND'S. 1022 00:54:18,166 --> 00:54:19,767 GOD LOVE HER LITTLE SOUL. 1023 00:54:19,767 --> 00:54:22,767 THE FIRST TIME I NOTICED, WE WERE IN THE CAR, 1024 00:54:22,767 --> 00:54:25,767 AND, UM... 1025 00:54:25,767 --> 00:54:29,166 AND I FELT IT THROUGH HER JEANS, AND I PULLED AWAY, 1026 00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:31,100 AND I GOT, LIKE, THAT, LIKE--YOU KNOW THAT SEXY 1027 00:54:31,100 --> 00:54:32,467 SLIME YOU GET? 1028 00:54:32,467 --> 00:54:33,834 LIKE, IT FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY WENT "ACHOO." 1029 00:54:33,834 --> 00:54:38,266 LIKE, THAT SEXY-- 1030 00:54:38,266 --> 00:54:41,000 AND OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT THE SEXIEST WAY TO PUT IT, BUT I'M 1031 00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:44,734 LIKE, "WOW. YOU GET WET. 1032 00:54:44,734 --> 00:54:49,000 AND YOU'RE A LEFTY." 1033 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,633 BUT I'M LIKE, "WOW. YOU GET WET." 1034 00:54:50,633 --> 00:54:52,900 AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY." 1035 00:54:52,900 --> 00:54:57,767 "THANKS. FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT IT WAS ME, 1036 00:54:57,767 --> 00:55:05,433 BUT, NO, APPARENTLY IT'S ANYBODY WITH A HAND OR A PEPSI." 1037 00:55:05,433 --> 00:55:12,333 BUT, NO, APPARENTLY IT'S ANYBODY WITH A HAND OR A PEPSI." 1038 00:55:12,333 --> 00:55:14,000 YOU EVER GET A SQUIRTER? 1039 00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:15,467 ANYBODY EVER GET A SQUIRTER? 1040 00:55:15,467 --> 00:55:17,000 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 1041 00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:19,100 A FEW GUYS HAVE. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 1042 00:55:19,100 --> 00:55:22,233 THERE ARE WOMEN THAT EJACULATE WHEN THEY HAVE AN ORGASM, 1043 00:55:22,233 --> 00:55:24,633 AND I WAS, LIKE, 25 BEFORE I REALIZED THIS. 1044 00:55:24,633 --> 00:55:27,266 WHEN I GIVE HEAD, I LIKE TO BE ON MY BACK. 1045 00:55:27,266 --> 00:55:29,533 LIKE, I WANT ONE LEG THERE AND ONE LEG THERE. 1046 00:55:29,533 --> 00:55:33,433 IT'S LIKE WEARING A PUSSY IPOD. 1047 00:55:33,433 --> 00:55:35,367 YOU KNOW, JUST PBBB. 1048 00:55:35,367 --> 00:55:36,700 BUT YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL. 1049 00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,400 WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT POSITION, YOU ARE VERY VULNERABLE 1050 00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:39,800 BECAUSE WOMEN ARE BRUTAL, MAN. 1051 00:55:39,800 --> 00:55:41,500 WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR BACK, SHE'LL PUT HER PALM ON YOUR 1052 00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:44,767 FOREHEAD AND THEN JUST GRIND OVER YOUR FACE. 1053 00:55:44,767 --> 00:55:46,300 YOU'RE NOT A HUMAN BEING ANYMORE. 1054 00:55:46,300 --> 00:55:49,300 YOUR FACE IS A BUMPY THING SHE'S USING TO RUB 1055 00:55:49,300 --> 00:55:52,433 HER CLIT ON. 1056 00:55:52,433 --> 00:55:54,800 IN HER MIND, SHE'S 10, AND YOU'RE A HORSY 1057 00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:59,433 IN FRONT OF THE SUPERMARKET. 1058 00:55:59,433 --> 00:56:01,500 BELIEVE ME. IF YOU DIED, SHE WOULD NOT NOTICE 1059 00:56:01,500 --> 00:56:03,834 UNTIL SHE WAS FINISHED. 1060 00:56:03,834 --> 00:56:05,433 AND YOU FEEL STUPID, SO YOU TRY HELPING. 1061 00:56:05,433 --> 00:56:08,500 YOU'RE LIKE, "AUUGHH. UHHH." 1062 00:56:08,500 --> 00:56:10,633 YOU'RE LIKE TERRI SCHIAVO EATING PUSSY. 1063 00:56:10,633 --> 00:56:13,600 "AUUGHH. UHHH. AUUGHH. UHHH." 1064 00:56:17,934 --> 00:56:19,834 AND THIS GIRL STARTED TO HAVE AN ORGASM. 1065 00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:22,567 IT WAS LIKE A SUPER SOAKER. IT WAS LIKE... 1066 00:56:22,567 --> 00:56:24,100 [TCCH TCCH TCCH TCCH] 1067 00:56:24,100 --> 00:56:27,000 AND I'M LIKE, "GULP, GULP, GULP, GULP." 1068 00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,533 I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED ON IN MY LIFE. 1069 00:56:29,533 --> 00:56:30,567 I JUST WANTED MORE. 1070 00:56:30,567 --> 00:56:32,266 I WAS LIKE, "AHHHHHHH. 1071 00:56:32,266 --> 00:56:35,633 MMM. AHH. RRRRRR." 1072 00:56:35,633 --> 00:56:37,200 [TCCH TCCH] 1073 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:38,567 "RRRRRR." 1074 00:56:38,567 --> 00:56:41,767 [TCCH TCCH] 1075 00:56:41,767 --> 00:56:43,667 AND THEN AFTER IT WAS OVER, SHE GOT SELF-CONSCIOUS. 1076 00:56:43,667 --> 00:56:46,233 SHE'S LIKE, "THAT WASN'T PISS!" 1077 00:56:46,233 --> 00:56:47,900 AND I REALIZED THAT IT HADN'T OCCURRED TO ME 1078 00:56:47,900 --> 00:56:50,600 WHETHER IT WAS OR WASN'T! 1079 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,567 THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT. 1080 00:56:52,567 --> 00:56:55,333 THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH. 1081 00:56:55,333 --> 00:56:56,967 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 1082 00:56:56,967 --> 00:56:58,700 I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU. 1083 00:56:58,700 --> 00:57:12,166 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 1084 00:57:12,166 --> 00:57:24,200 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 1085 00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:31,734 [HEAVY METAL PLAYING] 1086 00:57:31,734 --> 00:57:34,734 THANK YOU, AND THANK YOU TO BLACK SABBATH! 1087 00:57:34,734 --> 00:57:35,967 THANK YOU TO BLACK SABBATH. 80629

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