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- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
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[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
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[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
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- THANK YOU!
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AW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,300
THANK YOU, GUYS.
MAN, THAT WAS NICE.
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00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:57,533
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
COMING HERE TONIGHT.
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THANK YOU ALL FOR RISKING
YOUR LIVES AND COMING TO
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THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
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JESUS CHRIST!
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00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:05,033
IF I DO ANOTHER SPECIAL,
MAYBE I CAN GET
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00:01:05,033 --> 00:01:11,300
A THEATRE IN FALLUJAH.
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IT'S SO NICE. I HAD A GREAT
THING HAPPEN THIS WEEK.
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00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:16,500
UH, I WAS OUT WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY--WHO I DID
15
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:20,567
NOT WANT TO BE OUT WITH--AND
I FOUND A WONDERFUL WAY TO END
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00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:21,967
THE EVENING EARLY.
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00:01:21,967 --> 00:01:24,500
WHEN IT GETS REALLY QUIET AT
THE TABLE, YOU JUST BLURT OUT
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00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:34,200
"BOY, I SURE WOULD LOVE TO
FUCK THAT DAKOTA FANNING!"
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BUT DON'T BE CREEPY ABOUT IT.
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00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:45,133
AFTER YOU SAY IT,
JUST MAKE THIS FACE.
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00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,533
I GOT A TEXT FROM
MY GIRLFRIEND.
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00:01:46,533 --> 00:01:48,133
I DID NOT BRING HER WITH ME.
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00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,333
SHE'S BACK AT MY APARTMENT IN
NEW YORK, AND AS I'M COMING
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00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,600
TONIGHT FOR THE GIG, SHE
SENDS ME A TEXT THAT SAYS,
25
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:58,800
"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
OUT OF TOILET PAPER."
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AND I'M THINKING, "ALL RIGHT.
DID SHE HAPPEN TO NOTICE,
27
00:02:01,633 --> 00:02:06,200
OR IS THERE A SITUATION?"
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00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:07,533
AND I DON'T WANT TO
THINK ABOUT THAT.
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00:02:07,533 --> 00:02:09,133
YOU NEVER WANT TO THINK ABOUT
YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU KNOW,
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00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:18,233
BEADING UP SWEAT ON
HER FOREHEAD, TURTLING.
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00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:20,433
SO I IGNORE IT.
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00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:22,500
A MINUTE LATER, I
GET ANOTHER TEXT--
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"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"
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UGH.
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I DON'T KNOW.
A HANDSTAND IN THE SHOWER.
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JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO TELL YOU?
37
00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:43,900
GRAB A SOCK, LEARN
TO IMPROV ALREADY.
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YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD!
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AND I GOT TO BE HONEST, MAN,
I LIKE HAVING A GIRLFRIEND!
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I WAS SINGLE FOR SO LONG--5
YEARS--AND I LIKE BEING
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IN A RELATIONSHIP,
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00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,934
AND THERE'S LITTLE WEIRD
THINGS TO GET USED TO.
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00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:05,633
LIKE AFTER SEX, AS WE'RE
LAYING THERE, I HAVE TO KEEP
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00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:08,400
REPEATING TO MYSELF,
"DO NOT HAND HER CASH.
45
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,967
DO NOT HAND HER CASH."
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WHICH IS STILL A NICE
IMPROVEMENT OVER LAST YEAR,
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WHEN IT WAS, "IGNORE
THE ADAM'S APPLE.
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IGNORE THE ADAM'S APPLE."
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WE'VE ALL MADE THAT
MISTAKE, HAVEN'T WE?
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00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:30,333
HA HA HA!
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00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:32,200
YOU'RE RECEIVING AN
AMAZING BLOW JOB.
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ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE LIKE,
"WOW! THAT'S A WIDE BACK
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FOR A GAL."
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WELL, NOW YOU'RE AT A
CROSSROADS BECAUSE THIS IS
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00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:45,500
TECHNICALLY A HOMOSEXUAL ACT.
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YET ON THE OTHER HAND,
THIS FELLA SURE KNOWS
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HIS BUSINESS.
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00:03:54,066 --> 00:03:55,233
WHAT DO YOU DO?
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00:03:55,233 --> 00:03:56,600
I MEAN, INSTINCTIVELY,
YOU UNDERSTAND
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00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:00,734
THERE'S A NO REFUND POLICY,
SO I TEND TO JUST LAUGH
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00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:03,133
GOOD-NATUREDLY AT MYSELF
AND THEN BLAST A LOAD
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00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:12,166
RIGHT IN HIS FACE.
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00:04:12,166 --> 00:04:14,600
AND EVER SINCE THIS
RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN
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HAPPENING, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO, LIKE, FIX UP MY PLACE
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00:04:17,266 --> 00:04:19,266
A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE MY
APARTMENT RIGHT NOW IS
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00:04:19,266 --> 00:04:20,934
VERY MALE-ORIENTED.
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00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:22,266
IT'S GEARED FOR ME.
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00:04:22,266 --> 00:04:24,734
LIKE, ALL I HAVE IS, LIKE,
SIGNED BLACK SABBATH SHIT
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ON THE WALLS, LIKE, PHOTOS OF
ME AND OZZY AND ME AND KISS.
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00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:30,300
IT'S LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND COMES
OVER, AND SHE FEELS LIKE SHE'S
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DATING A 12-YEAR-OLD RETARD.
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BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
BUY THAT SHE WOULD LIKE.
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00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:38,066
I'M AN IDIOT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT.
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00:04:38,066 --> 00:04:39,934
I WOULD JUST HAND UP
GIANT PHOTOS OF DICKS.
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"EHH?"
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00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:56,533
"YOU LIKE THAT,
YOU SIZE QUEEN?"
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00:04:56,533 --> 00:04:59,467
SO I ENLISTED THE HELP OF MY
GAY FRIEND BECAUSE GAY PEOPLE
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00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:03,200
HAVE SO MUCH OF A BETTER VIBE
FOR A WOMAN'S SENSIBILITY THAN
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00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,100
STRAIGHT MEN DO, BUT GAY
PEOPLE ARE VERY ARROGANT.
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00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,700
LIKE, I TOOK MY FRIEND, UH,
FURNITURE SHOPPING, AND HE'S
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00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:11,200
A GAY COMIC, AND I FOUND
THIS SOFA THAT I LOVE,
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00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,967
SO I CALL HIM OVER.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
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00:05:12,967 --> 00:05:14,367
AND HE'S SO CONDESCENDING.
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00:05:14,367 --> 00:05:17,066
HE RUNS HIS HAND OVER THE
BACK, AND HE'S LIKE, "EEEECHHH!
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00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:20,166
YOU IDIOT, THE
MATERIAL'S TOO ROUGH."
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00:05:20,166 --> 00:05:21,867
THEN I REALIZE WE HAD
DIFFERENT PRIORITIES
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00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:25,133
WHEN SOFA SHOPPING.
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00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,433
WHEN I'M BUYING ONE, I DON'T
HAVE TO WONDER WHAT IT'S GOING
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00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:34,233
TO FEEL LIKE MUSHED INTO MY
FACE FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME.
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00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:41,133
TO FEEL LIKE MUSHED INTO MY
FACE FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME.
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00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:43,367
HE HAS TO WORRY ABOUT THAT...
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00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,734
BECAUSE HE HAS NARCOLEPSY.
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00:05:46,734 --> 00:05:48,667
HE TENDS TO DOZE OFF
WHILE HE'S GETTING POKED
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00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:53,867
IN THE SHITTER.
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00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:55,667
BUT I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC,
I GUESS, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN
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00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,667
SUCH A PERVERT FOR SO LONG.
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00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,633
LIKE, I'VE BEEN SEXUALLY
ACTIVE SINCE I WAS IN SECOND
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GRADE, AND, YOU KNOW, GROWING
UP I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
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00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:11,967
I PLAYED MONSTER RAIN WHEN
I WAS A KID, WHICH I TOLD--
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00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,066
I DID TELL THAT STORY
ON THE RADIO,
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00:06:14,066 --> 00:06:15,767
AND IT WAS A FUN LITTLE GAME.
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00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,066
MISS, YOU LOOK A
LITTLE CONFUSED.
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00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:19,333
ARE YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH IT?
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00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:20,734
YOU NEVER HEARD
OF MONSTER RAIN?
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00:06:20,734 --> 00:06:25,867
IT'S THE MOST ADORABLE THING!
106
00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:27,367
AND IT'S TRUE, TOO.
107
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,567
WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG,
MY LITTLE FRIEND AND I WOULD
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00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,700
WALK ALONG, AND ONE OF US
WOULD YELL, "MONSTER RAIN!"
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00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,200
AND THEN TO GET AWAY FROM THE
MONSTER RAIN, WE'D HIDE UNDER
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A PORCH AND BLOW EACH OTHER.
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00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:54,934
A PORCH AND BLOW EACH OTHER.
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00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:58,200
THAT'S HOW WE ESCAPED
THE MONSTER RAIN.
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00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,834
IN HINDSIGHT, AN UMBRELLA
WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PRUDENT.
114
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,767
AND IT WASN'T ABOUT
BEING GAY, THOUGH.
115
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,300
IT WAS JUST ABOUT FEELING
SOMEBODY'S MOUTH ON YOUR DICK,
116
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:12,300
AND THE KEY--
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00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,900
AGAIN, SECOND GRADE.
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00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:18,467
IT WAS ABOUT GETTING YOUR
FRIEND TO GO FIRST BECAUSE,
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00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:23,100
LIKE, THE KEY--
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00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:24,800
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUBTLETY
WHEN YOU'RE THAT YOUNG.
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00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,000
LIKE, IF MY FRIEND WOULD BLOW
ME AND THEN GO "MY TURN!"
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00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,734
YOU KNOW, I'D BE LIKE, "I
GOT TO GO EAT LUNCH!"
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AND LEAVE HIM UNDER THE
PORCH WITH HIS SHAME
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AND DICK BREATH.
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00:07:37,433 --> 00:07:39,033
THEN I'D RAT HIM OUT TO
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
126
00:07:39,033 --> 00:07:40,033
"HE'S A QUEERBAIT.
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00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:46,633
HE LICKED MY DINGLE."
128
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,700
BUT I THINK GAY MEN ARE
FASCINATING, THOUGH, BECAUSE I
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00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:53,133
HEARD THEY DO THIS
THING CALLED "DOCKING."
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00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:54,934
ALL RIGHT. A COUPLE
PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF THIS.
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00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:58,800
DOCKING SUPPOSEDLY IS WHEN TWO
GUYS WILL STAND FACE TO FACE
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00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,834
AND PUT THEIR DICK HEADS
TOGETHER, AND ONE OF THE GUYS
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00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:04,667
HAS TO BE UNCIRCUMCISED...
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00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,166
- [GROANING]
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00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:07,734
- HA HA HA!
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00:08:07,734 --> 00:08:11,533
AND THE UNCIRCUMCISED GUY
PEELS HIS FORESKIN OVER THE
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00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:16,867
HEAD OF THE OTHER GUY'S PENIS,
AND THAT'S WHERE I BAILED OUT
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00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:25,633
OF THE CONVERSATION.
139
00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:27,400
BUT I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF.
140
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,266
I REALLY WISH I HAD STUCK WITH
IT BECAUSE I'M DYING TO KNOW
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00:08:30,266 --> 00:08:33,767
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
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00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:35,700
DO YOU SAY ANYTHING TO EACH
OTHER, OR DO YOU JUST LOOK
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00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:39,700
AT EACH OTHER AND
LAUGH HYSTERICALLY?
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00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,200
I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS.
145
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,266
THAT'S THE COOLEST THING I'VE
EVER HEARD OF THAT GAY GUYS
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00:08:43,266 --> 00:08:48,934
CAN REFUEL IN MID AIR.
147
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:52,533
AND I DID MY FIRST MIDWESTERN
GIGS--I WAS IN KANSAS CITY
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00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,767
ACTUALLY AT THE SAME TIME THAT
THAT, UH, HURRICANE, TORNA--
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00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,266
WHAT WAS IT?
150
00:08:58,266 --> 00:08:59,867
TORNADO--WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
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00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:05,300
HILLBILLY MOVER.
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00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:14,900
MERCIFUL WIND FROM
A KNOWLEDGEABLE GOD.
153
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:16,633
AND I SPENT SOME
TIME DOWN SOUTH.
154
00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:18,734
I WENT TO DALLAS,
WHICH WAS REALLY COOL.
155
00:09:18,734 --> 00:09:20,867
WHEN I WAS DOWN THERE, I WENT
TO SEE WHERE JFK WAS SHOT
156
00:09:20,867 --> 00:09:22,400
AT DEALEY PLAZA.
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00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,166
HAS ANYBODY MADE THE TRIP,
MADE THAT PILGRIMAGE
158
00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:26,100
DOWN THERE?
159
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,033
IT'S KIND OF AWE
INSPIRING, RIGHT?
160
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:30,667
IT'S, UH, IT'S SMALLER THAN
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
161
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,333
AND THE ONLY DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THAT DAY AND TODAY IS
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00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:36,600
THE STEMMONS FREEWAY SIGN,
WHICH HE DISAPPEARED BEHIND,
163
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,700
HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY, AND WHERE
HE TOOK THE THIRD AND FINAL
164
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:44,300
SHOT, A BIG WHITE "X" HAS BEEN
PAINTED IN THE STREET SO YOU
165
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,033
KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE IT HAPPENED.
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00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:48,233
UM, AT LEAST I HOPE THAT
WAS PUT THERE AFTER
167
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:52,200
THE ASSASSINATION BECAUSE...
168
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,533
IF THAT WAS THERE THE DAY OF,
THAT'S SLOPPY POLICE WORK.
169
00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,633
"OSWALD DIDN'T ACT ALONE.
170
00:09:58,633 --> 00:09:59,834
HE HAD A PUERTO RICAN
KID WITH HIM."
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00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:00,867
[TCCH TCCH]
172
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,266
[FFFFFFT]
173
00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:07,667
[FFFFFFT]
174
00:10:07,667 --> 00:10:10,533
BUT THERE'S AN "X," AND WHAT
PEOPLE WILL DO IS WHEN TRAFFIC
175
00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:13,400
IS STOPPED UP AT THE LIGHT,
THEY RUN OUT INTO THE STREET,
176
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,200
THEY STAND ON THE "X,"
AND THEY GET THEIR PHOTOS
177
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,967
TAKEN, AND YOU'RE WATCHING
THIS LIKE, "YOU VOYEURISTIC,
178
00:10:20,967 --> 00:10:23,734
MORBID PIECE OF SHIT."
179
00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:26,734
UNTIL IT'S YOUR TURN TO
HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN.
180
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:31,100
YOU TRY TO LOOK DIGNIFIED.
181
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:40,266
I DIDN'T CARE.
I FUCKED AROUND.
182
00:10:40,266 --> 00:10:47,567
I DIDN'T CARE.
I FUCKED AROUND.
183
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:53,467
I EVEN DID A LITTLE JACKIE.
184
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:57,500
BUT AFTER I CAME OFF THE "X,"
THIS ANNOYING, AWFUL COUPLE
185
00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,066
WAS BEHIND ME, AND THEY HAD
BEEN SNIPPING AT EACH OTHER
186
00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:02,500
THE WHOLE TIME, AND SO
THE AWFUL WOMAN RUNS OUT,
187
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,767
AND SHE'S STANDING THERE,
AND SHE'S JUST YELLING AT HER
188
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,900
STUPID HUSBAND, AND THIS
NERVOUS FRUIT IS TRYING TO
189
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:11,066
OPERATE HIS CAMERA, AND A CAR
IS HEADED TOWARDS HER, AND SHE
190
00:11:11,066 --> 00:11:18,600
DOESN'T SEE IT, SO I GO,
"LET IT HAPPEN."
191
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:22,900
I SAW THE GREATEST STORY OF
MY LIFE ABOUT TO UNFOLD,
192
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,600
AND STUPID, PUSSY-WHIPPED
HUSBAND WARNED HER, AND AS HE
193
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,400
WARNED HER, YOU COULD SEE HIM
REGRETTING IT BECAUSE HE'S
194
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,467
LIKE, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
195
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:30,567
BUT IN HIS FACE HE WAS LIKE,
196
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:33,467
"WHY THE FUCK AM I SAYING THIS?"
197
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:34,934
HOW FUNNY WOULD
THAT HAVE BEEN?
198
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,200
TWO PEOPLE IN HISTORY
KILLED ON THAT SPOT--
199
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:48,734
JFK AND THAT BITCH.
200
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:52,133
AND I ACTUALLY LIVED OUT IN
LOS ANGELES FOR A LITTLE WHILE
201
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,934
WHEN I WAS OUT THERE
SHOOTING "LUCKY LOUIE."
202
00:11:53,934 --> 00:12:05,266
I THANK THOSE OF YOU THAT
SUPPORTED "LUCKY LOUIE."
203
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,500
DESPITE MY FUCKING
MUGGY ACTING.
204
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:10,734
"WHERE ARE YOU, LOU?"
205
00:12:10,734 --> 00:12:12,767
JESUS CHRIST.
206
00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:14,300
AND I THINK WE
DESERVED SEASON TWO.
207
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,500
UNFORTUNATELY, WE GOT
CANCELLED, BUT THAT HAPPENS.
208
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,467
UM, WHAT BOTHERS MORE IS NOT THE
FACT THAT WE GOT CANCELLED.
209
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,400
IT'S THE FACT THAT WE GOT
CANCELLED AND YOU CAN STILL
210
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:25,433
TURN ON 8 DIFFERENT
CHANNELS AND WATCH POKER.
211
00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:28,800
ENOUGH WITH THE POKER
OBSESSION IN THIS COUNTRY.
212
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,333
MY FAT FRIEND
IS OBSESSED WITH IT.
213
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,800
HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU
WANT TO PLAY HOLD 'EM?
214
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,200
LET'S PLAY HOLD 'EM!"
215
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,233
ALL "ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
216
00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,400
"I'LL PULL OUT MY BALLS.
217
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,500
HOLD 'EM WITH YOUR MOUTH."
218
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,000
AND IT KIND OF BUGS ME
BECAUSE TO ME THEY'RE NOT
219
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,834
SHOWING GAMBLERS.
220
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,834
LIKE, I'M A RECOVERING
ALCOHOLIC AND
221
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,100
A RECOVERING ADDICT.
222
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:48,400
I UNDERSTAND THE
MANIA OF OBSESSION.
223
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,400
YOU KNOW, IF ONE IS GOOD,
50 IS BETTER!
224
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,967
I MEAN,
I CANNOT STOP EVER.
225
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:54,767
SO SHOW ME THAT
TYPE OF GAMBLER.
226
00:12:54,767 --> 00:12:58,500
DON'T SHOW ME THE TOP
ONE ONE THOUSANDTH OF A PERCENT
227
00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,533
OF RICH GAMBLERS.
228
00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:00,867
SHOW ME THE AVERAGE SCHLUB.
229
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:03,266
"TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO WATCH
DOYLE BRUNSON PUNCH HIS WIFE
230
00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:04,800
"IN THE FACE BECAUSE SHE'S
CRYING BECAUSE THE LIGHTS ARE
231
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:15,734
TURNED OFF AGAIN."
232
00:13:15,734 --> 00:13:17,400
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THOSE
GUYS ARE PLAYING FOR THEIR OWN
233
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,767
MONEY ANYWAY BECAUSE
THEY'RE ALL CELEBRITIES NOW,
234
00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:23,200
SO THEY'RE PLAYING FOR SPONSOR
MONEY OR NETWORK MONEY.
235
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,200
TO ME, THAT'S NOT INTERESTING.
236
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,467
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RISK?
237
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:28,467
THAT WOULD MAKE IT MORE
INTERESTING TO ME AS A VIEWER.
238
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:31,200
LIKE, IF THEY WIN THEY KEEP
THE MONEY, BUT IF THEY LOSE
239
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:38,600
THEY HAVE TO DRINK GAS OR
BLOW AN AIDS PATIENT.
240
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:42,900
A BIT HARSH, PERHAPS,
BUT LET'S SEE YOUR POKER FACE
241
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:50,500
NOW, MOTHERFUCKER.
242
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:58,100
NOW, MOTHERFUCKER.
243
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,633
"WELL, JUDGING BY THE LOOKS
OF THINGS, IF HE DOESN'T PULL
244
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:07,033
A 5 OR A 7, HE'S GOING TO
BE LOSING WEIGHT RAPIDLY."
245
00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:10,600
AND I ACTUALLY--
246
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,700
I ACTUALLY ENJOYED L.A.
MORE THAN I EVER HAVE.
247
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,667
I KIND OF LIKE IT OUT
THERE NOW, UM,
248
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,033
BUT I HAD A VERY BAD INJURY.
249
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:19,200
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HEARD
ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FOOT.
250
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,767
UM, I TWISTED MY
ANKLE HORRIBLY.
251
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:23,834
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IS
I WAS IN A BUILDING IN
252
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:27,533
LOS ANGELES THAT WAS BURNING,
AND I WAS TRYING TO RUN OUT,
253
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,767
OF COURSE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
NOBODY ONE WANTS TO LOSE THEIR
254
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,033
LIPS AND EYELASHES.
255
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:32,433
JESUS CHRIST.
256
00:14:32,433 --> 00:14:33,567
GOD BLESS BURN VICTIMS.
257
00:14:33,567 --> 00:14:34,700
THEY ALWAYS LOOK LIKE
THEY WALKED INTO THEIR OWN
258
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:44,367
SURPRISE PARTY.
259
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:53,433
LITTLE TUFT OF HAIR.
260
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,333
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,
I DON'T REALLY FEEL GOOD
261
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:59,700
ABOUT THAT LINE EITHER.
262
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,900
SO I'M IN THIS BUILDING,
AND I'M RUNNING FOR THE FRONT
263
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,834
DOOR, AND I TRIPPED OVER
A SMALL, UM, KID, WHO
264
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:08,400
HAD FALLEN.
265
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,900
TOTALLY HIS FAULT.
266
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,266
YOU KNOW HOW
SELFISH CHILDREN ARE.
267
00:15:11,266 --> 00:15:12,333
"HELP ME!"
268
00:15:12,333 --> 00:15:17,133
"FUCK YOU!"
269
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,900
AND NOW I GOT TO GET SURGERY.
270
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,600
UM, I COULD HAVE AVOIDED
SURGERY IF I HAD JUST PUT SOME
271
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,800
INSOLES IN THAT WERE
SUPPORTIVE, BUT DID YOU EVER
272
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,567
REMEMBER THE COMMERCIAL FOR A
PRODUCT AND THE COMMERCIAL IS
273
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,667
SO AWFUL YOU DON'T WANT TO
SUPPORT THAT ADVERTISING
274
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:33,967
THROUGH PRODUCT PURCHASE?
275
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:42,867
THAT "YOU GELLIN'?"
AD CAMPAIGN...
276
00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,633
I WANT TO FIND WHO WROTE THAT.
277
00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:46,867
I WANT TO BITE THEIR NOSE
OFF AND SPIT IT BACK IN THEIR
278
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:49,467
FUCKIN' FACE.
279
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:51,333
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE
COMMERCIAL, IN THE COMMERCIAL
280
00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:55,800
THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF A FENDER
BENDER, AND THE TWO GENTLEMEN
281
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,834
ARE OUTSIDE SURVEYING THE
DAMAGE, AND THEY REALIZE
282
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,266
THEY'RE IN A BETTER MOOD THAN
THEY SHOULD BE CONSIDERING
283
00:16:02,266 --> 00:16:04,633
THEY'VE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
AND THERE'S A 10-YEAR-OLD
284
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:11,100
TRAPPED IN BETWEEN THE BUMPERS.
285
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:14,734
AND THEY INTUITIVELY RECOGNIZE
THAT THEIR GOOD MOOD CAN BE
286
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:20,033
DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTED TO
THEIR COMFY FOOTWEAR!
287
00:16:20,033 --> 00:16:21,433
SO THEY ADDRESS EACH OTHER.
288
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:23,233
THE ONE GUY GOES
"YOU GELLIN'?"
289
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,600
AND THE OTHER GUY
GOES "LIKE MAGELLAN."
290
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:33,266
AND THEN THEY SUCK
EACH OTHER'S DICKS.
291
00:16:33,266 --> 00:16:40,500
AND THEN THEY SUCK
EACH OTHER'S DICKS.
292
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,100
GELLIN' IS IN THE
WORD MAGELLAN.
293
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,033
THAT'S NOT A REAL RHYME.
294
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:47,500
"HOW LONG YOU BEEN TIRED?"
295
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:52,567
"EVER SINCE I RETIRED" IS NOT
A LEGITIMATE RHYME SCHEME.
296
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,033
THEY COULD HAVE HAD
FUN WITH THAT!
297
00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:56,033
ONE OF THE GENTLEMEN
WAS AFRICAN-AMERICAN.
298
00:16:56,033 --> 00:16:57,333
HOW GREAT WOULD
THAT HAVE BEEN?
299
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:58,333
"YOU GELLIN'?"
300
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:06,667
"LIKE A WATERMELON."
301
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,133
MAYBE A PROSTITUTE WALKS
IN AND SAYS TO HER PIMP,
302
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,133
"YOU GELLIN'?"
303
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:11,367
AND HE KNOCKS HER TEETH OUT.
304
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:22,066
"BITCH, GET BACK
TO PUSSY SELLIN'!"
305
00:17:22,066 --> 00:17:24,033
THANK YOU, BY THE WAY,
FOR LAUGHING AT THE RACIALLY
306
00:17:24,033 --> 00:17:30,567
INAPPROPRIATE ONE.
307
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:32,600
WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE HAVE
SUCH A GUILT COMPLEX?
308
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,667
WE DON'T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY.
309
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:37,367
UH, MOST OF US DON'T
NEED TO FEEL GUILTY.
310
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:43,000
IF YOU'RE OVER 70 AND YOU
LIVE IN MISSISSIPPI, OK.
311
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,033
CHANCES ARE, YOU OWE A FEW
APOLOGIES, BUT A LOT OF TIMES,
312
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:51,166
WE DON'T EVEN REALIZE WE HAVE
IT UNTIL WE SEE ANOTHER WHITE
313
00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:54,166
PERSON DOING SOMETHING RACIST,
AND THEN WE ALL REACT
314
00:17:54,166 --> 00:17:56,500
A CERTAIN WAY BECAUSE IT
TAPS INTO SOMETHING IN US.
315
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:57,834
LIKE, MICHAEL RICHARDS.
316
00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:59,834
OH, THAT WAS THE GREATEST
THING EVER BECAUSE THIS
317
00:17:59,834 --> 00:18:02,467
FUCKING ASSHOLE GOES ONSTAGE
IN LOS ANGELES AND YELLS ALL
318
00:18:02,467 --> 00:18:05,633
THIS SHIT THAT MOST PEOPLE
ONLY THINK OR YELL OUT A CAR
319
00:18:05,633 --> 00:18:10,200
WINDOW, AND THE WHOLE
COUNTRY IS IN AN OUTRAGE.
320
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,133
"COULD YOU BELIEVE
WHAT HE SAID?"
321
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,000
"YEAH."
322
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,500
WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T' TAKE
MY SOCIAL OR RACIAL
323
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:18,667
CUES FROM HIM.
324
00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,300
HE'S NOT A POLITICIAN.
325
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,033
HE'S NOT MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR.
326
00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:24,867
HE'S A JERK-OFF WHO MADE A
LIVING FOR 10 YEARS SLIDING
327
00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:28,066
ON A FLOOR GOING
"HELLOOO, JERRY."
328
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:33,367
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT ANYTHING HE THINKS.
329
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:37,367
AND THE FACT THAT IMUS GOT
FIRED IS A FUCKING DISGRACE.
330
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,900
IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE.
331
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,934
-[CHEERS AND BOOS]
332
00:18:41,934 --> 00:18:44,033
-BUT EVERYBODY KNEW HE
DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE HATEFUL.
333
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:46,700
HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE
AN UGLY JOKE ABOUT A BUNCH
334
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:48,700
OF GIRLS, AND PEOPLE
TURNED IT AROUND.
335
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:51,400
ARE WE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE
FUCKING UGLY JOKES ANYMORE?
336
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,867
LOOK. I HATE TO BREAK IT TO
YOU, BUT THE RUTGERS FEMALE
337
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:56,467
BASKETBALL TEAM...
338
00:18:56,467 --> 00:19:04,433
THEY'RE NOT LOOKERS.
339
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:11,934
THEY'RE NOT LOOKERS.
340
00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:14,333
THAT'S ONE REASON THEY'RE
SO GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO.
341
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:16,066
THEY HAD TO PRACTICE
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
342
00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:17,467
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, "WELL,
IT'S A SATURDAY NIGHT.
343
00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:19,200
"WE'RE ALL 6'5", AND
NO ONE WILL FUCK US.
344
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:25,533
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"
345
00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:27,033
"I DON'T KNOW. LET'S THROW
THE BALL AROUND
346
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,800
FOR A LITTLE WHILE."
347
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,000
WHY DO YOU THINK
I'M A COMEDIAN?
348
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,800
BECAUSE I GOT
PUSSY ALL THE TIME?
349
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,533
NO!
350
00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:37,633
AND I LOVE THE WAY
POLITICIANS HAVE TO WEIGH IN.
351
00:19:37,633 --> 00:19:40,166
LIKE HILLARY CLINTON,
WHO NEVER TAKES A STAND UNTIL
352
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:43,867
THE PUBLIC HAS DECIDED,
WAS GONNA GO AND VISIT
353
00:19:43,867 --> 00:19:49,500
THE TEAM TO HELP THE
HEALING BEGIN.
354
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,767
DOES THIS PHONY BITCH HAD TO
GET HER MULLET INTO THE MIDDLE
355
00:19:52,767 --> 00:19:58,867
OF EVERYTHING?
356
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:06,533
OF EVERYTHING?
357
00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:08,533
WITH HER PHONY
VOICE INFLECTION.
358
00:20:08,533 --> 00:20:11,100
"I WANT TO GO AND
HELP EVERYBODY HEAL."
359
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,967
SHUT UP, PUPPET MOUTH.
360
00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:16,867
WHAT WAS SHE GONNA SAY TO
A BUNCH OF ATHLETES?
361
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,834
"YOU KNOW, IT'S IRONIC THAT
YOU ALL PLAY BASKETBALL,
362
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:23,567
YET I HAVE THICKER CALVES
AND ANKLES THAN ALL OF YOU."
363
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,166
OR MAYBE SHE WAS WORRIED. SHE
THOUGHT HER HUSBAND FUCKED
364
00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:26,200
A COUPLE OF THEM.
365
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,800
MAYBE THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.
366
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,834
WHEN ARE WOMEN GOING TO STOP
LOOKING AT HILLARY CLINTON
367
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:33,700
LIKE SHE'S THE PICTURE
OF STRENGTH AND FEMINISM.
368
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:38,834
WHY? ALL SHE DID IS STAY WITH
A GUY WHO FUCKED EVERYBODY.
369
00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,700
HE WAS RUBBING HIS DICK ON
A FAT GIRL'S FACE.
370
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:45,567
"I DIDN'T SEE IT.
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN."
371
00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:47,767
WHAT REALLY BOTHERED ME
THOUGH, IT WASN'T THE FACT
372
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:50,233
THAT POLITICIANS CAME OUT
AGAINST IT--BECAUSE THEY ARE
373
00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:52,867
ALL SCUMBAGS, AND THAT'S
WHAT YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO.
374
00:20:52,867 --> 00:20:55,066
IT WAS THE FACT THE WAY THE
REST OF THE COUNTRY JUMPED
375
00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:56,533
ON THAT BANDWAGON.
376
00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:59,600
THE PHONY OUTRAGE
AROUND IMUS MADE ME SICK.
377
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,967
HIP-HOP WAS OUTRAGED!
378
00:21:01,967 --> 00:21:05,367
RAPPERS. SNOOP!
379
00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:07,734
SNOOP!
380
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,133
NOT THE ADORABLE ONE WHO
LAYS ON THE DOGHOUSE
381
00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:11,867
WITH THE LITTLE BIRD ON HIM.
382
00:21:11,867 --> 00:21:16,033
NO. THE OTHER ONE WITH
THE GUN CHARGES.
383
00:21:16,033 --> 00:21:18,834
SNOOP SAID IT WAS DEGRADING
TO BLACK WOMEN, AS OPPOSED TO
384
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:25,400
WHEN HE WALKS THEM INTO
AWARDS SHOWS ON A LEASH.
385
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:32,433
WHEN HE WALKS THEM INTO
AWARDS SHOWS ON A LEASH.
386
00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:34,834
AND SOMEBODY ASKED SNOOP,
"WELL, WHAT ABOUT RAP LYRICS?"
387
00:21:34,834 --> 00:21:37,800
AND SNOOP SAID, AND I QUOTE,
"WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT IN RAP
388
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,734
"BECAUSE WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT GIRLS IN COLLEGE WHO ARE
389
00:21:39,734 --> 00:21:41,233
"EXCELLING IN SPORTS.
390
00:21:41,233 --> 00:21:45,233
"WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOS FROM
THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO AIN'T
391
00:21:45,233 --> 00:21:49,433
DOING SHIT BUT TRYING TO GET
A NIGGER FOR HIS MONEY."
392
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:55,467
WELL SAID.
393
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:57,033
AND YOU KNOW THE NUMBER TWO
HIP-HOP SONG IN THE COUNTRY
394
00:21:57,033 --> 00:22:01,767
WHEN THE IMUS THING HAPPENED
WAS "I'M A FLIRT" BY R. KELLY,
395
00:22:01,767 --> 00:22:05,367
AND IN IT, HE CALLS GIRLS HOS,
AND WE ALL REMEMBER
396
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:08,734
THE FRIENDLY LITTLE VIDEO HE
PUT OUT A FEW YEARS AGO.
397
00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,100
"AH, THERE'S NO
TOILET AVAILABLE.
398
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:16,033
COME HERE, KID. YOU'LL DO."
399
00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:17,867
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
REALLY ANNOYED ME.
400
00:22:17,867 --> 00:22:19,033
IT'S LIKE, WHOOPI,
YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.
401
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,233
WHY THEY FUCK WOULD YOU
BE AGAINST ANYONE
402
00:22:21,233 --> 00:22:22,567
SAYING ANYTHING?
403
00:22:22,567 --> 00:22:24,400
ESPECIALLY RACIAL WHEN SHE
HAD HER WHOLE THING
404
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,633
WITH TED DANSON.
405
00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:27,700
REMEMBER THE TED DANSON
INCIDENT A FEW YEARS AGO?
406
00:22:27,700 --> 00:22:28,967
15 YEARS AGO, WHATEVER?
407
00:22:28,967 --> 00:22:32,734
THEY WERE DATING.
408
00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:34,800
I RAELLY AM AN ASSHOLE WHO
SHOULD HAVE READ THE FACTS
409
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:40,600
BEFORE I STARTED PONTIFICATING
LIKE A FUCKING BORE.
410
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,133
BUT HER AND TED DANSON WERE
GETTING ALL THIS RACISM
411
00:22:43,133 --> 00:22:45,934
FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP,
SO TO ADDRESS THE RACISM,
412
00:22:45,934 --> 00:22:47,867
AT A FRIAR'S CLUB THING,
TED DANSON PUT
413
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,333
ON BLACKFACE AND ATE
WATERMELON, AND THE WHOLE
414
00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:52,500
COUNTRY JUMPED ON HIM,
AND WHOOPI JUMPED TO HIS
415
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:54,000
DEFENSE SAYING, "NO.
HE'S NOT A RACIST.
416
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,233
HE WAS JUST DOING
THIS AND THAT."
417
00:22:55,233 --> 00:22:57,934
WHY IS IT OK TO DEFEND
TED DANSON AND NOT IMUS?
418
00:22:57,934 --> 00:23:00,433
WHY? BECAUSE IMUS IS A LITTLE
OLDER AND HE'S NOT
419
00:23:00,433 --> 00:23:02,400
GOOD-LOOKING AND CRAZY
ENOUGH TO FUCK WHOOPI?
420
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,166
I DON'T KNOW HOW
SHE PULLED OFF--
421
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,500
I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE
PULLED OFF TED DANSON.
422
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,600
MAYBE SHE HAD PHOTOS OF
HIM FUCKING BLOWING NORM OR
423
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,166
SOMEBODY ELSE FROM THAT SHOW.
424
00:23:13,166 --> 00:23:16,400
PEOPLE LOVE BEING OFFENDED
AND FEELING
425
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,400
SELF-RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.
426
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,867
IT'S LIKE IF YOU
TALK ABOUT ISLAM.
427
00:23:19,867 --> 00:23:21,834
YOU CAN'T MAKE FUN OF ISLAM
BECAUSE THAT MAKES YOU
428
00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:25,500
ISLAMAPHOBIC, WHICH
IS FEAR OF ISLAM.
429
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:28,333
OK. ACCURATE.
430
00:23:28,333 --> 00:23:32,500
LOOK. I DON'T HATE MUSLIMS. I
REALLY DON'T, BUT AS A GROUP,
431
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:39,233
THEIR PROBLEM-HANDLING SKILLS
ARE NOT GOOD.
432
00:23:39,233 --> 00:23:41,800
A DANISH CARTOONIST DID
AN OFFENSIVE CARTOON.
433
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,967
ALL OVER THE MIDDLE EAST,
THEY WERE RIOTING
434
00:23:43,967 --> 00:23:45,800
AND TRAMPLING EACH OTHER
TO DEATH AND SETTING
435
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,433
EMBASSIES ON FIRE.
436
00:23:47,433 --> 00:23:53,000
DON'T MUSLIMS EVER JUST
FIRE OFF AN ANGRY E-MAIL?
437
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,033
"I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT."
438
00:23:55,033 --> 00:24:07,367
SEND!
439
00:24:07,367 --> 00:24:09,667
AND DURING THE RIOTS--DURING
THE RIOTS, I SAW SOME FOOTAGE
440
00:24:09,667 --> 00:24:12,600
FORM PAKISTAN, UH, WHICH
REALLY HURT BECAUSE IT'S MY
441
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:16,867
FAVORITE VACATION SPOT,
AND THERE WAS A GROUP OF VERY
442
00:24:16,867 --> 00:24:21,000
PISSED OFF MUSLIMS ATTACKING A
McDONALD'S, AND THEY SAID THEY
443
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,133
WERE ATTACKING IT BECAUSE
IT WAS AMERICAN.
444
00:24:23,133 --> 00:24:25,667
LOOK. I UNDERSTOOD WHY
THEY WERE MAD AT AMERICA.
445
00:24:25,667 --> 00:24:28,266
A DANISH CARTOONIST DID
SOMETHING OFFENSIVE, IT WAS
446
00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:30,900
REPRINTED IN FRANCE, GERMANY,
AND TURKEY, SO NATURALLY IT'S
447
00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:40,367
OUR FAULT!
448
00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:41,934
BUT THEY WERE ATTACKING--
449
00:24:41,934 --> 00:24:44,433
YOU KNOW THE CREEPY RONALD
THAT SITS ON THE BENCH
450
00:24:44,433 --> 00:24:49,633
AND STARES INTO THE PLAYLAND?
451
00:24:49,633 --> 00:24:51,533
THEY HAD KNOCKED HIM INTO
THE DIRT, AND THEY WERE
452
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:59,767
STOMPING ON HIM,
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE'S A JEW.
453
00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:02,934
AND THEY WERE STARING
DEFIANTLY INTO THE CAMERA.
454
00:25:02,934 --> 00:25:05,233
LIKE WE, AS AMERICANS,
ARE GONNA SIT HOME
455
00:25:05,233 --> 00:25:10,333
GOING, "OH, NO.
456
00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:16,700
"NOT THE SHINY, RED-HEADED,
PLASTIC PEDOPHILE, WHO SITS
457
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,667
"OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT THAT
MAKES ME SHIT 3 MINUTES
458
00:25:19,667 --> 00:25:20,734
"AFTER I EAT IT.
459
00:25:20,734 --> 00:25:32,233
NOOOO!"
460
00:25:32,233 --> 00:25:33,533
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NEXT?
461
00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:45,533
CUT THE CLIT OFF
THE WENDY'S GIRL?
462
00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:49,467
LOOK. EVERY RELIGION GETS
ATTACKED SOMEHOW IN THE MEDIA.
463
00:25:49,467 --> 00:25:51,467
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE
TO REACT VIOLENTLY.
464
00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:55,066
NOT LONG AFTER THOSE RIOTS,
KANYE WEST APPEARED
465
00:25:55,066 --> 00:25:57,300
ON THE COVER OF "ROLLING
STONE" WEARING A CROWN
466
00:25:57,300 --> 00:26:01,767
OF THORNS, AND THAT
OFFENDED AND PISSED OFF
A LOT OF PEOPLE.
467
00:26:01,767 --> 00:26:03,633
IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME.
I KNEW WHY HE WAS DOING IT.
468
00:26:03,633 --> 00:26:05,600
LIKE, HE'S A RAPPER, THEY'RE
UNDERPAID, THEY'RE MARTYRS.
469
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:10,567
I GET IT.
470
00:26:10,567 --> 00:26:13,700
BUT THERE WAS A LOT OF VERY,
VERY ANGRY CHRISTIANS,
471
00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:15,567
BUT THEY WEREN'T SHOWING
VIOLENCE, THEY WEREN'T
472
00:26:15,567 --> 00:26:17,800
ATTACKING BLACK INTERESTS,
YOU KNOW, RUNNING THROUGH
473
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:30,800
SUPERMARKETS, DUMPING
KOOL-AID ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
474
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,967
BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF
300-POUND WHITE GIRLS WHO ARE
475
00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:44,433
PISSED OFF AT THEIR FATHERS.
476
00:26:44,433 --> 00:26:51,834
PISSED OFF AT THEIR FATHERS.
477
00:26:51,834 --> 00:26:54,266
I WILL SAY ONE THING
ABOUT ISLAMIC TERRORISM.
478
00:26:54,266 --> 00:26:56,967
IT HAS MADE WHITE PEOPLE AND
BLACK PEOPLE A LOT HAPPIER TO
479
00:26:56,967 --> 00:27:03,867
SEE EACH OTHER
IN THE AIRPORTS.
480
00:27:03,867 --> 00:27:07,800
I DO NOT HAVE ONE OUNCE OF
RACIAL DISCOMFORT WITH BLACK
481
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,166
PEOPLE ON A PLANE.
482
00:27:09,166 --> 00:27:11,266
I DON'T CARE IF I'M
THE ONLY WHITE FACE.
483
00:27:11,266 --> 00:27:14,367
IT COULD BE ME AND
THE WU-TANG CLAN.
484
00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:17,967
"WELCOME ABOARD, FELLAS."
485
00:27:17,967 --> 00:27:19,266
GRANTED, I'M NOT GOING TO
HEAR A WORD
486
00:27:19,266 --> 00:27:30,233
OF THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE...
487
00:27:30,233 --> 00:27:32,200
BUT AT LEAST I KNOW WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A SAFE,
488
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,734
HIJACKING-FREE FLIGHT.
489
00:27:34,734 --> 00:27:36,633
THEN ONCE WE LAND, THEY
CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME
490
00:27:36,633 --> 00:27:45,300
AND TAKE MY STARTER
JACKET AT BAGGAGE CLAIM.
491
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,934
AND, LIKE, AS AMERICANS,
WE DON'T WANT TO BE RACIST.
492
00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:49,967
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MIDDLE
EASTERN GUYS WHO ARE JUST
493
00:27:49,967 --> 00:27:52,266
LIVING HONEST LIVES FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT IT'S
494
00:27:52,266 --> 00:27:54,400
INSTINCTIVE BECAUSE THE
ATTACKS ARE BEING CARRIED OUT
495
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,767
BY CIVILIANS, SO IF I SEE
MIDDLE EASTERN GUYS GETTING
496
00:27:56,767 --> 00:27:58,867
ON MY FLIGHT, I WISH I DIDN'T,
BUT I LOOK A LITTLE--A
497
00:27:58,867 --> 00:28:00,700
LITTLE DIFFERENTLY.
498
00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:04,600
UM, YOU KNOW, I TRY TO LOOK
LIKE I'M AN AIR MARSHAL...
499
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,934
BUT I'M NOT AT ALL
INTIMIDATING, SO I LOOK LIKE
500
00:28:06,934 --> 00:28:14,433
I'M CRUISING THEM IN
A REST AREA.
501
00:28:14,433 --> 00:28:17,300
FOR A WHILE, YOU COULDN'T
BRING WATER ON THE FLIGHT.
502
00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,300
THAT IS SCARY--WATER!
503
00:28:19,300 --> 00:28:22,166
ALL I WANT ON A PLANE IS TO
NOT HIT A MOUNTAIN AND SIP
504
00:28:22,166 --> 00:28:24,066
MY BEVERAGE.
505
00:28:24,066 --> 00:28:25,367
WHY WATER?
506
00:28:25,367 --> 00:28:37,800
WHY COULDN'T THEY PUT BOMBS
INSIDE A CRYING INFANT?
507
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,033
HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?
508
00:28:39,033 --> 00:28:40,834
FINALLY, NO MORE OF
THOSE LITTLE DOUCHEBAGS
509
00:28:40,834 --> 00:28:42,633
ON THE PLANE.
510
00:28:42,633 --> 00:28:44,066
"THAT'S MY BABY."
511
00:28:44,066 --> 00:28:53,166
FUCK YOU, LADY. ANYONE
UNDER 5 HAS TO BE FEDEXED.
512
00:28:53,166 --> 00:28:55,367
I'M NOT BLOWING UP IN MID-AIR
BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T
513
00:28:55,367 --> 00:29:00,500
HAVE THE DECENCY TO PULL
OUT AND AIM FOR YOUR FACE.
514
00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:03,033
I TELL YOU ONE THING, MAN,
WE REALLY ARE BECOMING
515
00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:07,333
A CELEBRITY-OBSESSED COUNTRY,
AND THE MEDIA IS JUST
516
00:29:07,333 --> 00:29:09,667
REPULSIVE, AND I'M NOT SAYING
I DON'T GET STAR-STRUCK OR I
517
00:29:09,667 --> 00:29:11,066
DON'T LOVE CELEBRITIES.
518
00:29:11,066 --> 00:29:13,600
I DO. I LOVE THEM, BUT,
JESUS CHRIST, THE WAY THEY
519
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,633
COVERED THE VIRGINIA TECH
SHOOTING IS THE SAME WAY
THEY COVERED IMUS.
520
00:29:17,633 --> 00:29:20,700
IT'S THE SAME WAY THEY COVERED
ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S DEATH.
521
00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:22,200
ARE WE OK TO TALK
ABOUT THAT NOW?
522
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,300
ARE WE OVER IT?
523
00:29:24,300 --> 00:29:25,900
I HAD TO TAKE A
WEEK OFF MYSELF.
524
00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:31,300
COULD YOU BELIEVE
IT WAS DRUGS?
525
00:29:31,300 --> 00:29:33,266
DID WE NEED A FUCKING
PRESS CONFERENCE FOR THAT?
526
00:29:33,266 --> 00:29:35,600
THEY SHOULD HAVE COME
OUT AN HOUR LATER.
527
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,266
"WHAT THE FUCK DO
YOU THINK IT WAS?
528
00:29:39,266 --> 00:29:40,300
"IT WAS AS PLANE CRASH.
529
00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:42,400
"SHE DIED IN A PLANE CRASH.
530
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:47,266
HER PLANE HIT A MOUNTAIN
OF METHAMPHETAMINES."
531
00:29:47,266 --> 00:29:49,600
JESUS CHRIST. THAT JUNKIE
BITCH, THEY FOUND EVERYTHING
532
00:29:49,600 --> 00:30:01,800
IN HER SYSTEM BUT TRIMSPA.
533
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,266
YOU KNOW, AND THE
BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE.
534
00:30:04,266 --> 00:30:05,567
SHE'S SO FUCKING PHONY.
535
00:30:05,567 --> 00:30:06,800
AND I DON'T HATE BRITNEY.
536
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,133
AGAIN, I STARTED TO LIKE
HER WHEN SHE TRIED TO
537
00:30:08,133 --> 00:30:19,633
LOOK LIKE ME.
538
00:30:19,633 --> 00:30:21,233
I DON'T THINK SHE'S
IN BIG TROUBLE.
539
00:30:21,233 --> 00:30:24,233
I THINK SHE'S BEING PHONY AND
JUST DOING THE WHOLE "STAR
540
00:30:24,233 --> 00:30:26,567
WITH A PROBLEM" ROUTINE TO
GET SOME ATTENTION
541
00:30:26,567 --> 00:30:28,200
BECAUSE NOBODY'S TALKING
ABOUT HER ANYMORE.
542
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:29,567
NOBODY TALKS
ABOUT FUCKING HER.
543
00:30:29,567 --> 00:30:30,867
NOBODY CARES.
544
00:30:30,867 --> 00:30:32,433
I MEAN,
FOR YEARS SHE WAS REALLY SEXY,
545
00:30:32,433 --> 00:30:35,000
AND NOW PEOPLE JUST LOOK AT
HER LIKE SHE'S A MOM AND NOT
546
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,100
LIKE A SEXY MILF TYPE OF
MOTHER BUT A SHITTY
547
00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:41,533
SUSAN SMITH TYPE OF BITCH.
548
00:30:41,533 --> 00:30:43,100
I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST.
549
00:30:43,100 --> 00:30:46,400
AT LEAST ANGELINA JOLIE GOES
TO SOME THIRD WORLD SHITBOX
550
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,500
AND GRABS SOME FUCKING THING
AND PUTS IT ON HER SHOULDER
551
00:30:49,500 --> 00:30:58,333
AND WASHES IT AND WAVES
AT THE CROWD.
552
00:30:58,333 --> 00:30:59,934
AND MAKES US ALL FEEL GUILTY.
553
00:30:59,934 --> 00:31:01,767
WE GET IT. YOU'RE A
BETTER PERSON THAN WE ARE.
554
00:31:01,767 --> 00:31:03,900
WE GET IT.
555
00:31:03,900 --> 00:31:05,700
BUT, JESUS CHRIST,
BRITNEY HAD HER OWN KIDS.
556
00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:07,767
SHE'S SWINGING ON BY THE COCK,
THE OTHER ONE'S ON THE HOOD
557
00:31:07,767 --> 00:31:08,734
OF THE CAR.
558
00:31:08,734 --> 00:31:11,967
SHE'S DOING 80.
559
00:31:11,967 --> 00:31:14,834
JESUS CHRIST. K-FED WAS NO
DUMMY BECAUSE HE GOT BRITNEY
560
00:31:14,834 --> 00:31:16,133
PREGNANT TWICE.
561
00:31:16,133 --> 00:31:17,800
YOU KNOW EVERY TIME HE FUCKED
HER HE PROBABLY JUST CAME
562
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:22,867
AND WENT, "AHHHH.
CHA-CHING. CHA-CHING."
563
00:31:22,867 --> 00:31:25,233
HE PROBABLY DIDN'T WASTE
A LOAD IN 3 YEARS.
564
00:31:25,233 --> 00:31:27,633
SHE'D GO ON THE ROAD,
HE'D JERK OFF INTO A BAGGIE,
565
00:31:27,633 --> 00:31:29,834
AND THEN WHEN SHE CAME BACK,
HE'D SQUEEZE IT INTO HER PUSSY
566
00:31:29,834 --> 00:31:39,667
LIKE SPACE FOOD.
567
00:31:39,667 --> 00:31:42,233
SHE'D WAKE UP, HE'D BE BETWEEN
HER LEGS DECORATING A CAKE.
568
00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:43,233
[PBBB]
569
00:31:43,233 --> 00:31:44,266
[PBBB]
570
00:31:44,266 --> 00:31:45,266
[PBBB]
571
00:31:45,266 --> 00:31:46,266
[PBBB]
572
00:31:51,266 --> 00:31:55,233
AND I DON'T MIND HER TRYING
TO RECAPTURE HER SEXY IMAGE.
573
00:31:55,233 --> 00:31:58,033
THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
574
00:31:58,033 --> 00:32:00,967
IT'S THE WAY SHE'S BEING
DISHONEST ABOUT IT.
575
00:32:00,967 --> 00:32:02,433
JUST POSE NAKED.
576
00:32:02,433 --> 00:32:05,066
DON'T TRY TO HANG OUT WITH
PARIS HILTON AND SUCK OFF SOME
577
00:32:05,066 --> 00:32:07,834
OF THAT VIBE WITHOUT TAKING
THE RISK OF BEING REALLY NUDE
578
00:32:07,834 --> 00:32:10,834
BECAUSE PARIS HILTON DESERVES
TO BE A SEX SYMBOL BECAUSE SHE
579
00:32:10,834 --> 00:32:13,967
HAD SEX, HAD THE DECENCY TO
FILM IT AND SELL IT, AND I
580
00:32:13,967 --> 00:32:17,066
APPRECIATE THAT.
581
00:32:17,066 --> 00:32:20,233
I RESPECT THAT, EVEN THOUGH
IT WAS THAT AWFUL GREEN LIGHT
582
00:32:20,233 --> 00:32:27,400
THAT THEY USE TO CATCH
MEXICANS SNEAKING INTO TEXAS.
583
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,800
BUT SHE WAS A GOOD LAY.
584
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,066
THAT SHOULD BE A REQUIREMENT
TO BE A SEX SYMBOL IN THIS
585
00:32:31,066 --> 00:32:32,133
DAY AND AGE.
586
00:32:32,133 --> 00:32:33,533
WE SHOULD HAVE
TO SEE YOU FUCK.
587
00:32:33,533 --> 00:32:35,200
WHO KNOWS WHAT
MARILYN MONROE WAS LIKE?
588
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:36,433
SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN AWFUL.
589
00:32:36,433 --> 00:32:38,100
SHE MIGHT HAVE GRABBED
DiMAGGIO'S BALLS AND JUST
590
00:32:38,100 --> 00:32:45,467
SMASHED THEM LIKE, "ARRRWWW."
591
00:32:45,467 --> 00:32:47,467
PARIS HILTON WAS WONDERFUL.
592
00:32:47,467 --> 00:32:50,734
SHE TOOK RICK SALOMON'S BIG
OLD DICK WITH A BIG HILTON "H"
593
00:32:50,734 --> 00:32:52,700
BEHIND HER--
HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THAT--
594
00:32:52,700 --> 00:32:56,066
SHAMING MOTHER AND FATHER.
595
00:32:56,066 --> 00:32:57,800
I WOULD HAVE RESPECTED HER
MORE IF SHE DID IT
596
00:32:57,800 --> 00:32:59,100
IN A RAMADA INN.
597
00:32:59,100 --> 00:33:04,867
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT
FUCK YOU TO THE FAMILY.
598
00:33:04,867 --> 00:33:06,367
MMWWW, MMWWWW.
599
00:33:06,367 --> 00:33:07,934
"AND THESE BEDS ARE SO COMFY!"
600
00:33:07,934 --> 00:33:16,200
MMWWW, MMWWW.
601
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,400
BUT YOU SEE, BRITNEY SPEARS
TRIED TO TAKE A PAGE OUT
602
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,967
OF THAT PLAYBOOK BY DOING THE
LITTLE OOPSIE SHOTS WHEN SHE
603
00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:23,266
GOT OUT OF THE LIMO.
604
00:33:23,266 --> 00:33:25,166
"OOPSIE DAISY. DON'T
LOOK UP MY SKIRT.
605
00:33:25,166 --> 00:33:28,867
TEE HEE HEE. DON'T LOOK!"
606
00:33:28,867 --> 00:33:31,266
AND HER PUSSY WAS THE
UGLIEST PUSSY I HAVE EVER SEEN
607
00:33:31,266 --> 00:33:32,433
IN MY LIFE.
608
00:33:32,433 --> 00:33:34,700
BRITNEY SPEARS'
VAGINA WAS ATROCIOUS.
609
00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:45,867
IT LOOKED LIKE BILL
MURRAY'S MOUTH IN CADDYSHACK.
610
00:33:45,867 --> 00:33:49,233
AND ANOTHER THING I RESENT IS
THE FACT THAT HEATHER MILLS IS
611
00:33:49,233 --> 00:33:53,367
SOMEHOW NOW A CELEBRITY IN
OUR COUNTRY, PAUL MCCARTNEY'S
612
00:33:53,367 --> 00:33:54,767
SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE.
613
00:33:54,767 --> 00:33:56,600
WHY IS SHE A CELEBRITY?
614
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,333
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
IN THEIR MARRIAGE.
615
00:33:58,333 --> 00:34:00,467
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I DO,
BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
616
00:34:00,467 --> 00:34:02,734
IT'S HER FAULT.
617
00:34:02,734 --> 00:34:05,367
BITCH, YOU HAVE ONE LEG,
AND YOU MARRIED
618
00:34:05,367 --> 00:34:06,500
ONE OF THE BEATLES.
619
00:34:06,500 --> 00:34:09,600
HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP?
620
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,166
EVERY CONVERSATION IN THAT
HOUSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN, "I'M
621
00:34:12,166 --> 00:34:13,400
A LITTLE HUNGRY, LOVE."
622
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,567
"HERE'S YOUR SANDWICH."
623
00:34:14,567 --> 00:34:15,800
BLLA, BLLA, BLLA, BLLA.
624
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:23,133
HOP, HOP,
HOP, HOP, HOP.
625
00:34:23,133 --> 00:34:30,600
HOP, HOP,
HOP, HOP, HOP.
626
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,100
"WE'RE OUT OF
TOILET PAPER, LOVE."
627
00:34:32,100 --> 00:34:33,100
"ARE WE?"
628
00:34:33,100 --> 00:34:34,133
BLLA, BLLA, BLLA, BLLA.
629
00:34:34,133 --> 00:34:43,233
HOP, HOP, HOP.
630
00:34:43,233 --> 00:34:45,967
SHE WANTS $60 MILLION?
631
00:34:45,967 --> 00:34:47,700
THAT BITCH. SHE SHOULD LEAVE
THAT MARRIAGE WITH NOTHING
632
00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:53,066
BUT A BAG OF PRISTINE
LEFT SHOES.
633
00:34:53,066 --> 00:34:54,934
I'D LOVE TO PUSH HER INTO
A POOL AND WATCH HER SWIM
634
00:34:54,934 --> 00:35:00,533
IN CIRCLES FOR AN
HOUR AND A HALF.
635
00:35:00,533 --> 00:35:01,967
WHY WOULD HE MARRY HER?
636
00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:03,967
YOU WANT TO FUCK HER DOGGIE
STYLE, YOU GOT TO PROP HER UP
637
00:35:03,967 --> 00:35:12,734
WITH PHONE BOOKS.
638
00:35:12,734 --> 00:35:14,734
AW, YOU KNOW WHO I HAVE
GROWN TO LOVE BY THE WAY?
639
00:35:14,734 --> 00:35:17,867
CAN I TELL YOU WHO I NEVER LIKED
AND LIKE NOW? ANN COULTER.
640
00:35:17,867 --> 00:35:20,066
I NEVER LIKED HER BECAUSE I
THINK SHE'S KIND OF A SNOTTY
641
00:35:20,066 --> 00:35:23,867
TWAT OF A HUMAN BEING,
BUT SHE HAS BALLS, MAN.
642
00:35:23,867 --> 00:35:25,567
SHE REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE.
643
00:35:25,567 --> 00:35:28,300
SHE CALLED JOHN EDWARDS A
FAGGOT, AND THE WHOLE COUNTRY
644
00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:31,066
WAS, YOU KNOW, "HOW COULD SHE
CALL JOHN EDWARDS A FAGGOT?"
645
00:35:31,066 --> 00:35:32,233
GEE. I DON'T KNOW.
646
00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:36,600
MAYBE SHE LOOKED AT HIM ONCE?
647
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:43,333
THE GUY HAS HAIR LIKE ONE
OF THE LEGO PEOPLE.
648
00:35:43,333 --> 00:35:45,767
AND TO ME, HE PROVED THE FACT
THAT HE WASN'T QUALIFIED TO BE
649
00:35:45,767 --> 00:35:48,000
PRESIDENT OR ANYTHING ELSE
BECAUSE HE COULDN'T EVEN BE
650
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,467
HONEST AS A MAN IN HIS
RESPONSE TO WHAT SHE SAID.
651
00:35:51,467 --> 00:35:54,500
HE CAME OFF LIKE SOME FUCKING
MID-LEVEL RETAIL MANAGER.
652
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,367
"I HAVE NO OPINION
ON ANN COULTER."
653
00:35:57,367 --> 00:35:58,633
HOW COULD YOU NOT?
654
00:35:58,633 --> 00:36:02,467
SHE JUST TOLD THE WHOLE
COUNTRY THAT YOU SUCK DICKS.
655
00:36:02,467 --> 00:36:04,300
HOW DO YOU NOT MAKE FUN
OF ANN COULTER?
656
00:36:04,300 --> 00:36:07,300
SHE'S AN 80-POUND ANOREXIC
WITH WITCH HAIR AND A NECK
657
00:36:07,300 --> 00:36:08,266
LIKE A TRANNY.
658
00:36:08,266 --> 00:36:11,166
HOW DO YOU NOT TRASH HER?
659
00:36:11,166 --> 00:36:13,600
OOH! WOULD I LIKE TO DOMINATE
THAT DIRTY BITCH SEXUALLY.
660
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:16,767
I WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING
HARDCORE WITH HER BECAUSE I AM
661
00:36:16,767 --> 00:36:18,333
VERY DOMINANT IN BED.
662
00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:21,367
YEAH. A LOT OF PEOPLE
SAY IT'S RAPE.
663
00:36:21,367 --> 00:36:24,233
NO.
664
00:36:24,233 --> 00:36:28,000
NO.
665
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,867
AT THE END, I ALWAYS SHOW
THEM THAT THE GUN IS FAKE.
666
00:36:29,867 --> 00:36:31,934
I'M LIKE, "HUH, HUH?
667
00:36:31,934 --> 00:36:38,500
"OH, YOU GOT ME.
TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"
668
00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:40,367
OH, I WOULD LIKE TO GRAB
ANN COULTER BY THE HAIR AND JUST
669
00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:43,367
LAY HER BACK AND HAVE HER HEAD
HANG OVER THE EDGE OF THE BED
670
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,867
AND PINCH HER NOSE,
AND WHEN SHE WENT...
671
00:36:44,867 --> 00:36:46,033
[POP-AHH]
672
00:36:46,033 --> 00:36:47,867
I WOULD JUST STRADDLE HER
FACE AND MOUTH-FUCK HER.
673
00:36:47,867 --> 00:36:49,433
UGHHH.
674
00:36:49,433 --> 00:36:53,867
UHHHN.
675
00:36:53,867 --> 00:36:56,066
SHE WOULD SOUND LIKE
LUCA BRASI BEING KILLED.
676
00:36:56,066 --> 00:36:58,600
"OHHHHH!"
677
00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:00,734
TEARS WOULD ROLL OUT OVER
THE TOP OF HER FOREHEAD
678
00:37:00,734 --> 00:37:01,834
AND INTO HER HAIR.
679
00:37:01,834 --> 00:37:06,500
"UGHHH!"
680
00:37:06,500 --> 00:37:10,300
JESUS CHRIST. NOW YOU
CAN'T EVEN SAY FAGGOT.
THAT'S THE F-WORD.
681
00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:12,734
"DON'T SAY THE F-WORD.
DON'T SAY THE N-WORD.
DON'T SAY THE C-WORD."
682
00:37:12,734 --> 00:37:14,400
HOW THE HELL IS ANYONE
SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
683
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:20,400
ADDRESSING THEM?
684
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,533
AND IT'S SO WEIRD. LIKE,
I HAVE TO PULL BACK.
685
00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:25,300
MY GIRLFRIEND'S REALLY
OPEN-MINDED, BUT I PANIC THAT
686
00:37:25,300 --> 00:37:28,600
I'M GONNA FREAK HER OUT
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SUCH
A DIRTBAG FOR SO LONG.
687
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:30,767
LIKE, YOU EVER THINK YOU KNOW
WHAT SOMEBODY WANTS SEXUALLY,
688
00:37:30,767 --> 00:37:33,867
AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT
YOU READ HER WRONG?
689
00:37:33,867 --> 00:37:35,033
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
690
00:37:35,033 --> 00:37:36,800
YOU'RE LIKE, "I BET YOU
WANT TO BE SPANKED."
691
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,633
"I DON'T LIKE BEING SPANKED."
692
00:37:39,633 --> 00:37:43,200
"I DON'T BLAME YOU."
693
00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:47,100
"WHY WOULD YOU?
YOU'RE AN ADULT."
694
00:37:47,100 --> 00:37:50,533
OR THE WORST, YOU EVER GO
TO SPANK SOMEBODY AND MISS?
695
00:37:50,533 --> 00:37:53,934
SEXY VIBE OVER.
696
00:37:53,934 --> 00:37:57,166
LIKE INSTEAD OF A CRISPY SLAP
TO THE ASS CHEEK, YOUR WRIST
697
00:37:57,166 --> 00:37:59,133
CLUMSILY THUDS ON HER SPINE?
698
00:37:59,133 --> 00:38:00,300
THWACK!
699
00:38:00,300 --> 00:38:02,867
"OWWW!
700
00:38:02,867 --> 00:38:04,633
MY CYST!
701
00:38:04,633 --> 00:38:09,900
OWWW!"
702
00:38:09,900 --> 00:38:17,700
NOW YOU GOT TO WIPE
TAPIOCA OFF THE WALL.
703
00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,433
BUT I NOTICE WEIRD
STUFF IN BED, TOO.
704
00:38:19,433 --> 00:38:21,800
IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU GET TO
KNOW A NEW PERSON SEXUALLY,
705
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,800
HOW, LIKE, YOUR MIND
WORKS REALLY WEIRD.
706
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,066
LIKE, YOU EVER NOTICE
NON-SEXUAL THINGS
707
00:38:26,066 --> 00:38:27,467
IN A SEXUAL MOMENT?
708
00:38:27,467 --> 00:38:28,900
LIKE, MY GIRLFRIEND AND
I WERE IN BED.
709
00:38:28,900 --> 00:38:31,400
I'M LAYING ON MY BACK TRYING
TO SUCK IN MY STUPID GUT,
710
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,100
AND SHE'S SITTING
BETWEEN MY LEGS, AND SHE'S
711
00:38:33,100 --> 00:38:34,900
PLAYING WITH ME.
712
00:38:34,900 --> 00:38:38,200
UH, SEXY THOUGH. I MEAN,
IT WASN'T LIKE "ERRRRHHH.
713
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:42,667
OHHH?"
714
00:38:42,667 --> 00:38:46,300
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I NOTICED
THAT SHE WAS JERKING ME OFF
715
00:38:46,300 --> 00:38:47,633
WITH HER LEFT HAND.
716
00:38:47,633 --> 00:38:49,934
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT
REGISTERED, AND I CERTAINLY
717
00:38:49,934 --> 00:38:59,233
DON'T KNOW WHY I BLURTED
OUT "YOU'RE A LEFTY?"
718
00:38:59,233 --> 00:39:01,266
I GET SO FREAKED
OUT SEXUALLY, MAN.
719
00:39:01,266 --> 00:39:04,200
THAT'S THE SOURCE OF MY
GREATEST INSECURITY, AND I
720
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:05,934
THINK THAT'S THE
TRUTH WITH MOST MEN.
721
00:39:05,934 --> 00:39:08,066
MAYBE WOMEN, TOO.
I DON'T KNOW.
722
00:39:08,066 --> 00:39:11,300
UM, HOW MUCH DISCUSSION OF A
PERSON'S PAST SEXUAL HISTORY
723
00:39:11,300 --> 00:39:12,633
IS APPROPRIATE?
724
00:39:12,633 --> 00:39:14,834
I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
ARE GUYS AS A COUPLE?
725
00:39:14,834 --> 00:39:16,667
ALL RIGHT. DID YOU ASK
HER QUESTIONS ABOUT HER
726
00:39:16,667 --> 00:39:18,400
PAST SEXUALLY?
727
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:19,834
NO. YOU DIDN'T. OK.
728
00:39:19,834 --> 00:39:22,367
THERE'S TWO TYPES OF
MEN IN THE WORLD--
729
00:39:22,367 --> 00:39:25,567
SMART MEN...
730
00:39:25,567 --> 00:39:30,133
AND DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.
731
00:39:30,133 --> 00:39:31,266
THAT'S THE WAY TO GO.
732
00:39:31,266 --> 00:39:32,834
DON'T ASK SHIT.
733
00:39:32,834 --> 00:39:34,233
SEE, A LOT OF GUYS
DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
734
00:39:34,233 --> 00:39:35,700
THEY WANT TO THINK THE
PANTIES ARE COMING OFF.
735
00:39:35,700 --> 00:39:37,433
THAT IS THE PUSSY COMING OUT
OF THE PACKAGE FOR THE VERY
736
00:39:37,433 --> 00:39:38,967
FIRST TIME.
737
00:39:38,967 --> 00:39:41,467
YOU WANT TO BLOW ON IT AND SEE
THOSE LITTLE PACKING PEANUTS
738
00:39:41,467 --> 00:39:46,567
FLY OFF OF IT, AND I ACTUALLY
MADE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING MY
739
00:39:46,567 --> 00:39:52,367
GIRLFRIEND HOW BIG HER
EX-BOYFRIEND'S DICK WAS.
740
00:39:52,367 --> 00:39:56,700
CHECK ETHNICITY FIRST.
741
00:39:56,700 --> 00:39:58,500
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I ASKED, MAN.
742
00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:00,133
IT WAS SO STUPID.
743
00:40:00,133 --> 00:40:01,633
WE'RE JUST TALKING. I'M LIKE,
"WELL, DID YOUR EX HAVE
744
00:40:01,633 --> 00:40:02,734
A BIG DICK?"
745
00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:04,967
AND SHE GOES "WHY
WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?"
746
00:40:04,967 --> 00:40:07,300
WHICH IMMEDIATELY SET OFF A
LITTLE ALARM BECAUSE THAT'S
747
00:40:07,300 --> 00:40:11,567
A LOT LONGER THAN "NO."
748
00:40:11,567 --> 00:40:13,367
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST CURIOUS.
749
00:40:13,367 --> 00:40:14,567
WAS HIS DICK BIG?"
750
00:40:14,567 --> 00:40:16,433
AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEEAAH,
BUT IT WAS KIND
751
00:40:16,433 --> 00:40:17,433
OF UNCOMFORTABLE.
752
00:40:17,433 --> 00:40:23,333
IT WAS LIKE A PEPSI CAN."
753
00:40:23,333 --> 00:40:26,200
A PEPSI CAN?
754
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:32,066
"FIRST OF ALL, DID YOU HAVE
TO BE BRAND LOYAL?
755
00:40:32,066 --> 00:40:34,233
"AND SECOND OF ALL, YOU WHORE!
756
00:40:34,233 --> 00:40:36,333
"HOW WAS THAT ONLY KIND
OF UNCOMFORTABLE?
757
00:40:36,333 --> 00:40:43,233
IF THERE'S A PEPSI CAN IN YOUR
PUSSY, IT SHOULD HURT A LOT!"
758
00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:45,333
AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, I DON'T
KNOW WHY IT BOTHERS YOU."
759
00:40:45,333 --> 00:40:47,033
GEE, I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE
MY NICKNAME ISN'T
760
00:40:47,033 --> 00:40:48,300
TWO-LITER JIMMY!
761
00:40:48,300 --> 00:40:53,033
HOW DO I FOLLOW THAT?
762
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:55,367
HOW DO I EVER DOMINATE
HER SEXUALLY AGAIN.
763
00:40:55,367 --> 00:41:02,400
"YEAH, TAKE IT ALL, AND 5 MORE
LIKE IT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
764
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,967
LAY BACK, BABY. I'M GOING
TO FILL YOU WITH AVERAGENESS
765
00:41:04,967 --> 00:41:08,467
AND MEDIOCRITY."
766
00:41:08,467 --> 00:41:10,100
A PEPSI CAN!
767
00:41:10,100 --> 00:41:16,500
RED BULL I MAYBE COULD
HAVE ACCEPTED, BUT PEPSI?
768
00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:19,433
AND THE BETTER SHE TRIED
TO MAKE ME FEEL, THE MORE I
769
00:41:19,433 --> 00:41:21,333
WANTED TO KILL MYSELF
BECAUSE SHE WAS LIKE, "OH,
770
00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:22,367
YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY.
771
00:41:22,367 --> 00:41:23,767
YOURS IS NICE."
772
00:41:23,767 --> 00:41:25,800
UGHHHH.
773
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,800
SO'S MY GRANDMOTHER.
YOU DON'T WANT HER SHOVED
774
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:32,033
IN YOUR SNATCH DO, YOU?
775
00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:34,433
NICE? GOOD. THE NEXT TIME
I TAKE MY DICK OUT, HAND IT
776
00:41:34,433 --> 00:41:41,633
A LEMON COOKIE AND
PAT IT ON THE HELMET.
777
00:41:41,633 --> 00:41:45,567
INSECURITY IS SO BAD SEXUALLY
BECAUSE WE'VE ALSO GOT THIS
778
00:41:45,567 --> 00:41:49,200
THING GOING ON--SHE KNOWS A
LOT ABOUT ME, AND WE BOTH--I'M
779
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:52,400
WEARING CONDOMS IN
THIS RELATIONSHIP.
780
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,467
I'M WEARING CONDOMS IN THE
RELATIONSHIP, AND IT'S NOT MY
781
00:41:54,467 --> 00:41:55,633
CHOICE, BELIEVE ME.
782
00:41:55,633 --> 00:41:57,000
I MEAN, FOR YEARS,
MY IDEA OF AN AIDS
783
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:58,333
TEST WAS TO CHECK
A GIRL UP AND DOWN.
784
00:41:58,333 --> 00:42:00,800
"ALL RIGHT. YOU SEEM FINE.
785
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:05,133
YOU'RE NOT COUGHING OR
TIPPING OVER, I'LL FUCK YOU."
786
00:42:05,133 --> 00:42:07,066
BUT MY GIRLFRIEND WAS LIKE,
"NO. BEFORE WE HAVE ANY
787
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:09,767
"UNPROTECTED SEX, WE ARE
BOTH GETTING TESTED.
788
00:42:09,767 --> 00:42:12,133
YOU GET TESTED.
I'LL GET TESTED, TOO."
789
00:42:12,133 --> 00:42:14,100
IT'S LIKE STOP PATRONIZING ME.
WE BOTH KNOW WHO
790
00:42:14,100 --> 00:42:17,033
THE PROBLEM IS.
791
00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:18,567
"WHY ARE YOU GETTING TESTED?
792
00:42:18,567 --> 00:42:20,100
"DID YOU EVER GO TO BRAZIL
AND FUCK A HOOKER
793
00:42:20,100 --> 00:42:21,100
"WITHOUT A RUBBER?
794
00:42:21,100 --> 00:42:22,233
I DIDN'T THINK SO ROOKIE.
795
00:42:22,233 --> 00:42:30,100
HAVE JELL-O.
I'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR."
796
00:42:30,100 --> 00:42:33,700
NEVER BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND
TO GET YOUR TEST RESULTS
797
00:42:33,700 --> 00:42:36,166
BECAUSE NO GIRL WANTS TO
SEE HER BOYFRIEND RUN OUT
798
00:42:36,166 --> 00:42:41,000
OF THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
SCREAMING, "HOLY SHIT! I'M OK!
799
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,867
"I DON'T KNOW HOW THE
FUCK THAT HAPPENED.
800
00:42:43,867 --> 00:42:47,734
"OH, STATISTICALLY, THAT
IS A MIRACLE.
801
00:42:47,734 --> 00:42:49,233
"I NEVER WORE A BAG.
802
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:54,100
HA HA HA HA!"
803
00:42:54,100 --> 00:42:56,900
WHAT HAPPENED WAS ONE NIGHT WE
WERE SENDING EACH OTHER
804
00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:59,233
OVER-THE-TOP DIRTY
TEXT MESSAGES,
805
00:42:59,233 --> 00:43:00,967
JUST BEING SILLY AND PLAYFUL,
806
00:43:00,967 --> 00:43:03,367
LIKE RALLY DIRTY THINGS LIKE,
"I'M GONNA SMACK YOUR FACE
807
00:43:03,367 --> 00:43:06,867
WITH MY DICK AND KNOCK
YOUR TEETH LOOSE."
808
00:43:06,867 --> 00:43:12,000
SHE WROTE THAT TO ME!
809
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:13,934
AND I THINK I SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT, LIKE, "I WANT YOU TO
810
00:43:13,934 --> 00:43:18,567
EAT MY ASS UNTIL THE COWS
COME HOME, YOU SILLY GOOSE."
811
00:43:18,567 --> 00:43:20,533
AND I'VE NEVER BEEN BIG
ON HAVING MY ASS EATEN.
812
00:43:20,533 --> 00:43:21,900
I DON'T CARE ABOUT IT.
813
00:43:21,900 --> 00:43:23,533
UM, IF YOU WANT TO DO IT,
GOD BLESS YOU.
814
00:43:23,533 --> 00:43:24,900
IT DOES FEEL GOOD.
815
00:43:24,900 --> 00:43:27,333
ANY OF YOU, BY THE WAY,
MALE OR FEMALE, WOULD BE LUCKY
816
00:43:27,333 --> 00:43:29,734
TO BURY YOUR FACE
IN MY DUMPER.
817
00:43:29,734 --> 00:43:34,800
IT'S THIS BIG. THERE'S NOT
A HAIR ON THE LITTLE FELLA.
818
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:40,734
IT LOOKS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN'S
HEAD SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE.
819
00:43:40,734 --> 00:43:42,834
AND ONE GIRL I DATED
LOVED TO EAT MY ASS.
820
00:43:42,834 --> 00:43:44,967
SHE WAS A LITTLE SUBMISSIVE.
I'D PUT HER ON HER BACK,
821
00:43:44,967 --> 00:43:47,166
AND I'D PLOP MY
ASS ON HER MOUTH.
822
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:53,633
I'D SAY SOMETHING
SEXY--"LICK."
823
00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:55,500
BUT ONE TIME, I THINK I
HAD TOO MUCH WEIGHT ON HER
824
00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:57,600
BECAUSE SHE STARTED
SLAPPING MY THIGH.
825
00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,500
IT WAS LIKE THE ULTIMATE
FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP.
826
00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:03,633
SHE WAS TRYING TO TAP OUT.
827
00:44:03,633 --> 00:44:05,834
I DIDN'T REALIZE SHE
COULDN'T BREATHE!
828
00:44:05,834 --> 00:44:07,100
I LIFTED UP, AND
SHE WAS LIKE...
829
00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:10,567
[WHEEZING]
830
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:14,934
I ALMOST KILLED A GIRL
WITH MY ASSHOLE!
831
00:44:14,934 --> 00:44:16,433
AND I HAD VERY MIXED FEELINGS.
832
00:44:16,433 --> 00:44:18,667
LIKE, I WAS GLAD SHE WAS OK,
BUT A PART OF ME WAS LIKE,
833
00:44:18,667 --> 00:44:23,100
"MAN, THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN A GREAT STORY."
834
00:44:23,100 --> 00:44:26,266
SO MY GIRLFRIEND SAID TO ME--
WE WERE TALKING LATER THAT
835
00:44:26,266 --> 00:44:28,000
NIGHT ABOUT THE TEXT MESSAGES,
AND SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW
836
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,300
THE ASS EATING THING?"
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH."
837
00:44:30,300 --> 00:44:31,700
AND SHE'S LIKE, "I WOULD NEVER
EAT YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU GOT
838
00:44:31,700 --> 00:44:33,000
TESTED FOR HEPATITIS."
839
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,633
AND IT'S LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,
I UNDERSTAND
840
00:44:34,633 --> 00:44:36,200
THE SCIENCE OF IT,
BUT YOU KNOW I DON'T
841
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:39,734
HAVE AIDS, GONORRHEA,
SYPHILIS, CHLAMYDIA.
842
00:44:39,734 --> 00:44:42,166
SO IT'S LIKE THE FRONT IS OK,
BUT THE BACK NEEDS
843
00:44:42,166 --> 00:44:44,233
FURTHER TESTING?
844
00:44:44,233 --> 00:44:46,667
UH, IT JUST FELT REALLY
ANNOYING AND CREEPY, SO NOW I
845
00:44:46,667 --> 00:44:50,000
AM OBSESSED WITH HER EATING
MY ASS, AND I GOT TESTED
846
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,166
FOR HEPATITIS.
847
00:44:51,166 --> 00:44:53,500
I HAVE NOTHING. I AM
COMPLETELY HEALTHY, YOU KNOW,
848
00:44:53,500 --> 00:44:57,500
THANKS TO THE MAGIC
OF WHITE-OUT.
849
00:44:57,500 --> 00:44:59,266
THE WAY I'M GOING TO BREAK
IT TO HER IS SHE'S GONNA WALK
850
00:44:59,266 --> 00:45:00,567
INTO MY LIVING ROOM ONE TIME.
851
00:45:00,567 --> 00:45:03,100
I'M GONNA HAVE MY PANTS
AROUND MY ANKLES AND MY HEAD
852
00:45:03,100 --> 00:45:05,934
ON THE EDGE OF THE SOFA
WITH MY TEST RESULTS
853
00:45:05,934 --> 00:45:10,000
TAPED TO MY BACK.
854
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:22,133
"READ THE MENU, BITCH.
BRUNCH IS SERVED."
855
00:45:22,133 --> 00:45:24,433
AND WE TRY NOT TO HAVE
JEALOUSY IN THE RELATIONSHIP
856
00:45:24,433 --> 00:45:26,000
BECAUSE JEALOUSY IS
A MOTHERFUCKER
857
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,734
IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND I
HAVE IT WORSE THAN SHE DOES,
858
00:45:28,734 --> 00:45:34,667
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT FREAKED
HER OUT--THE PORN AWARDS.
859
00:45:34,667 --> 00:45:37,100
AND THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE PORN
AWARDS FOR ME WAS NOT SEEING
860
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,367
THE HOT CHICKS.
861
00:45:38,367 --> 00:45:41,166
IT WAS MEETING DIFFERENT
CELEBRITIES LIKE LARRY FLYNT.
862
00:45:41,166 --> 00:45:44,300
I GOT TO TALK TO LARRY FLYNT,
WHO GOT SHOT--ESPECIALLY
863
00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:46,400
WITH ALL THE SHIT THAT'S
GOING ON IN OUR COUNTRY NOW
864
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:49,533
OVER POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
AND ALL THIS FUCKING NONSENSE.
865
00:45:49,533 --> 00:45:51,300
HE GOT SHOT FOR
FREE SPEECH, MAN.
866
00:45:51,300 --> 00:45:52,800
I TRIED TO HAVE, LIKE,
A MOMENT WITH HIM.
867
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:54,800
I'M LIKE, "MR. FLYNT,
I JUST WANT TO THANK
868
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:56,667
"YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE
FOR FREE SPEECH.
869
00:45:56,667 --> 00:45:58,367
"IT MEANS A LOT TO ME
THAT YOU TOOK A BULLET
870
00:45:58,367 --> 00:46:00,033
AND YOU WENT
TO THE SUPREME COURT."
871
00:46:00,033 --> 00:46:01,700
AND I THINK I MOVED HIM ON
SOME LEVEL, BECAUSE HE'S
872
00:46:01,700 --> 00:46:11,734
LIKE, "AUUUGGGHHHHH."
873
00:46:11,734 --> 00:46:15,166
I'M PARAPHRASING.
874
00:46:15,166 --> 00:46:19,100
THEN I TIPPED OVER HIS
WHEELCHAIR AND T-BAGGED HIM.
875
00:46:19,100 --> 00:46:21,333
"SMELL THOSE,
GODLESS PORNOGRAPHER!"
876
00:46:21,333 --> 00:46:28,834
"AUUUGGGHHHHH."
877
00:46:28,834 --> 00:46:31,567
AND OF COURSE, THE EVENING
WOULD NOT BE COMPLETE IF I
878
00:46:31,567 --> 00:46:34,266
DIDN'T INTRODUCE TWO OF MY
FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,
879
00:46:34,266 --> 00:46:36,200
WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
SO MUCH OF THIS
880
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,667
CAREER--MY CAREER.
881
00:46:37,667 --> 00:46:39,633
OPIE AND ANTHONY, STAND UP.
882
00:46:39,633 --> 00:46:41,433
OPIE AND ANTHONY, YOU TWO.
883
00:46:41,433 --> 00:46:43,200
NO. OPIE AND
ANTHONY, STAND UP.
884
00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:56,567
THERE YOU GO.
885
00:46:56,567 --> 00:47:02,333
THERE YOU GO.
886
00:47:02,333 --> 00:47:09,934
THERE YOU GO.
887
00:47:09,934 --> 00:47:15,633
YES.
888
00:47:15,633 --> 00:47:17,734
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH,
AND THANKS FOR COMING, MAN.
889
00:47:17,734 --> 00:47:19,033
I'M GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE.
890
00:47:19,033 --> 00:47:23,934
THANK YOU, MAN.
891
00:47:23,934 --> 00:47:25,066
WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF
THEY DON'T SIGN THE RELEASE,
892
00:47:25,066 --> 00:47:30,800
AND I HAVE TO JUST
BLOB THEIR HEADS OUT?
893
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,600
OH, SHIT. I GOT TO TELL YOU,
TOO, A REALLY COOL SEXUAL
894
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:34,734
EXPERIENCE I HAD.
895
00:47:34,734 --> 00:47:37,100
ONE OF THE COOLEST EXPERIENCES
OF MY LIFE I HAD
896
00:47:37,100 --> 00:47:38,834
IN THE 2004 PORN AWARDS.
897
00:47:38,834 --> 00:47:41,033
IT WAS--I HOSTED WITH
JENNA JAMESON, AND AFTER
898
00:47:41,033 --> 00:47:46,233
THE PORN AWARDS, I HAD A
THREESOME WITH RON JEREMY.
899
00:47:46,233 --> 00:47:49,533
UH, AND A GIRL, AND A GIRL!
900
00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:53,967
IT WASN'T RON AND A
GUY AND LUCKY JIM!
901
00:47:53,967 --> 00:47:59,700
OR AS I'M NOW KNOWN,
THE SHISH KEBAB KID!
902
00:47:59,700 --> 00:48:02,400
AND I'LL TELL YOU
EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
903
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:05,500
UH, MY FRIEND DENNIS OWNS THE
BUNNY RANCH, WHICH IS A LEGAL
904
00:48:05,500 --> 00:48:08,500
WHOREHOUSE IN NEVADA, WHICH
HE'S INVITED ME TO MANY TIMES,
905
00:48:08,500 --> 00:48:09,900
AND I'VE NEVER GONE TO.
906
00:48:09,900 --> 00:48:12,467
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA
THAT IT'S LEGAL AND FUN.
907
00:48:12,467 --> 00:48:13,900
IF I'M GONNA GET A HOOKER,
I'M DON'T WANT TO BE
908
00:48:13,900 --> 00:48:15,133
PARTYING ON A RANCH.
909
00:48:15,133 --> 00:48:18,467
I WANT TO BE BEHIND A
WAREHOUSE IN BROOKLYN FOR $35.
910
00:48:18,467 --> 00:48:20,266
YOU KNOW, SOME BLACK GIRL
WITH ARMS LIKE KOBE BRYANT
911
00:48:20,266 --> 00:48:21,433
AND A CROOKED BLOND WIG.
912
00:48:21,433 --> 00:48:22,633
"HI, AGAIN, DADDY."
913
00:48:22,633 --> 00:48:27,266
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
914
00:48:27,266 --> 00:48:30,767
BUT I WAS SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE
I WAS NOT MEETING ANY GIRLS
915
00:48:30,767 --> 00:48:33,667
AFTER THE PORN AWARDS, SO I GO
UP TO DENNIS' ROOM, AND THIS
916
00:48:33,667 --> 00:48:35,066
IS COMPLETELY THE TRUTH.
917
00:48:35,066 --> 00:48:37,533
IT WAS THE MOST SURREAL
THING I'D EVER SEEN.
918
00:48:37,533 --> 00:48:41,200
I WALK INTO THE ROOM,
AND THERE IS RON JEREMY
FUCKING A GIRL ON THE BED.
919
00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:44,000
UH, SHE'S ON HER HANDS AND
KNEES, AND RONNIE IS
STANDING BEHIND HER.
920
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,734
I WALK IN. HE'S LIKE, "HEY,
MAN, HOW'RE YOU DOING?"
921
00:48:46,734 --> 00:48:48,200
AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
922
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,400
AND I CAN'T SEE MUCH BECAUSE
HE HAS A LONG HOCKEY JERSEY,
923
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:54,800
BUT THEN HE PULLS ALL THE
WAY OUT, AND THERE IT WAS.
924
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:57,967
JESUS DID I STARE.
925
00:48:57,967 --> 00:49:00,967
I THINK I EVEN WENT, "OOOH."
926
00:49:00,967 --> 00:49:03,600
I WAS COCK-STRUCK.
927
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:10,900
I REALLY WANTED A
PICTURE WITH IT.
928
00:49:10,900 --> 00:49:13,100
SO HE STARTS FUCKING HER
AGAIN, AND LOOKS AT ME, AND HE
929
00:49:13,100 --> 00:49:15,200
GOES "HEY, MAN. I THINK SHE
NEEDS A COCK IN HER MOUTH,"
930
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,533
WHICH IS MY CUE.
931
00:49:18,533 --> 00:49:20,200
SO I LOOK AT HER TO
SEE IT IT'S OK
932
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,166
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO CONFIRM
THAT. YOU CAN'T JUST RUN OVER
933
00:49:22,166 --> 00:49:23,867
AND JAM YOUR DICK
IN SOMEONE'S MOUTH.
934
00:49:23,867 --> 00:49:25,166
YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE
A SILLY GOOSE.
935
00:49:25,166 --> 00:49:26,333
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
936
00:49:26,333 --> 00:49:28,867
"UH, YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU NEEDED IT."
937
00:49:28,867 --> 00:49:30,400
BUT SHE WAS TOTALLY COOL.
938
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:33,233
AND I'M NORMALLY NOT BIG
ON BEING SEXUAL IN A GROUP
939
00:49:33,233 --> 00:49:34,633
BECAUSE I GET
TOO NERVOUS, MAN.
940
00:49:34,633 --> 00:49:37,133
FOR ME TO KEEP AN ERECTION,
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT.
941
00:49:37,133 --> 00:49:40,467
YOU KNOW, "DIM THE LIGHTS,
TOUCH MY NIPPLES, NO TALKING!"
942
00:49:40,467 --> 00:49:41,967
BUT THIS IS RON JEREMY.
943
00:49:41,967 --> 00:49:43,734
THIS IS LIKE THE POPE
GIVING MASS, SAYING,
944
00:49:43,734 --> 00:49:46,967
"COULD YOU COME UP AND HELP?"
945
00:49:46,967 --> 00:49:52,667
ALL RIGHT. IT'S NOT
EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
946
00:49:52,667 --> 00:49:54,200
SO I TAKE IT OUT.
947
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,934
UH, SHE GRABS IT, SHE
POPS IT IN HER MOUTH.
948
00:49:56,934 --> 00:49:59,600
RON IS FUCKING HER,
I AM HAVING A REAL
949
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,834
AND LEGITIMATE THREESOME
WITH A PORN LEGEND, AND I'M
950
00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:04,934
THINKING, "THIS IS GREAT."
951
00:50:04,934 --> 00:50:07,967
WITHOUT WARNING, RON GRABS
HER HIPS AND GOES POW!
952
00:50:07,967 --> 00:50:14,066
AND SHE JUMPS FORWARD, AND MY
LIFE FLASHES BEFORE MY EYES.
953
00:50:14,066 --> 00:50:17,934
AND HE SEES THE LOOK ON MY
FACE, AND HE LAUGHS, AND HE
954
00:50:17,934 --> 00:50:20,700
GOES, "HA! I DID
THAT ON PURPOSE.
955
00:50:20,700 --> 00:50:23,800
I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU
THE BIGGEST NO-NO IN PORN.
956
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,066
WHENEVER YOU'RE HAVING A
TWO-ON-ONE, YOU NEVER THRUST
957
00:50:26,066 --> 00:50:33,500
THAT HARD, OR YOU COULD
SERIOUSLY INJURE THE OTHER GUY."
958
00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:35,834
"THANK YOU."
959
00:50:35,834 --> 00:50:38,834
AND THEN I REALIZE, THAT'S
HOW YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A GIANT
960
00:50:38,834 --> 00:50:43,900
COCK, WHEN YOU CAN
INJURE ANOTHER PERSON...
961
00:50:43,900 --> 00:50:47,600
THROUGH A THIRD PARTY.
962
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:50,500
IF I WANT TO HURT YOU WITH MY
DICK, I HAVE TO POUR TABASCO
963
00:50:50,500 --> 00:50:59,767
SAUCE ON THE HELMET AND
JAM IT IN YOUR EYE.
964
00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:02,967
AND I GOT TO SAY, I DON'T WANT
TO END ON TOO POLITICAL A NOTE.
965
00:51:02,967 --> 00:51:04,500
I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO
POLITICAL, BUT I GOT TO SAY,
966
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:07,600
LADIES, PLEASE,
SHAVE YOUR PUSSIES.
967
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:15,567
SHAVE THEM!
968
00:51:15,567 --> 00:51:17,700
I HATE PUBIC HAIR!
969
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,934
IF I SEE HAIR ON YOUR PUSSY,
I'LL PUT TAPE ON IT
970
00:51:19,934 --> 00:51:21,900
AND RIP IT OFF MYSELF.
971
00:51:21,900 --> 00:51:23,033
DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHAVE?
972
00:51:23,033 --> 00:51:24,233
[RRRRCCH]
973
00:51:24,233 --> 00:51:33,166
THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
HAD TIME TO EAT LOBSTER.
974
00:51:33,166 --> 00:51:37,200
EVOLUTION GIVES US PUBIC HAIR
SO WE DON'T FREEZE TO DEATH.
975
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,433
WE HAVE THINGS NOW LIKE
CLOTHING AND THE INDOORS,
976
00:51:40,433 --> 00:51:43,834
SO UNLESS A STEGOSAURUS IS
LICKING YOUR TWAT, PICK UP
977
00:51:43,834 --> 00:51:45,000
A RAZOR, YOU CHIMP.
978
00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:51,934
IT'S GETTING
CAUGHT IN MY TEETH.
979
00:51:51,934 --> 00:51:53,333
AND A LOT OF TIMES,
WOMEN DON'T GET IT.
980
00:51:53,333 --> 00:51:55,200
THEY ALWAYS SAY THINGS LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO SHAVE IT ALL.
981
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:56,567
IT MAKES ME LOOK 12."
982
00:51:56,567 --> 00:52:06,300
YES!
983
00:52:06,300 --> 00:52:08,967
YOU SEE, I LIKE THINGS ON
WOMEN THAT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T
984
00:52:08,967 --> 00:52:10,600
EVEN LIKE ON YOURSELVES.
985
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:12,333
I FIND ODD THINGS SEXY.
986
00:52:12,333 --> 00:52:14,300
LIKE, I LIKE BIG,
DARK AREOLAS.
987
00:52:14,300 --> 00:52:15,467
I LOVE THAT.
988
00:52:15,467 --> 00:52:17,000
THE ONE THAT STARTS AT
THE NIPPLE AND ENDS
989
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:19,700
AROUND THE THIRD RIB.
990
00:52:19,700 --> 00:52:21,433
I LOVE THAT. YOUR TITTIES
SHOULD LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
991
00:52:21,433 --> 00:52:26,166
WEARING A BROWN DUNCE CAP.
992
00:52:26,166 --> 00:52:29,166
AND I LIKE A SHAVED PUSSY
BECAUSE I LIKE TO SEE IT.
993
00:52:29,166 --> 00:52:33,767
I LOVE THE WAY A VAGINA LOOKS
JUST FUCKING BARE AND NAKED
994
00:52:33,767 --> 00:52:35,100
AND FUCKING MASSIVE.
995
00:52:35,100 --> 00:52:38,100
I LIKE A BIG PUSSY, A
STACK OF LUNCHEON MEAT.
996
00:52:38,100 --> 00:52:43,834
I LIKE--UNH--A GARGOYLE,
A FUCKING GARGOYLE.
997
00:52:43,834 --> 00:52:50,100
AFTER WE FUCK, I WANT TO THROW
YOUR CUNT ON TOP OF A LIBRARY.
998
00:52:50,100 --> 00:52:52,133
FUCKING BIG, MEATY PUSSY.
999
00:52:52,133 --> 00:52:53,800
WHEN YOU'RE WEARING WHITE
PANTIES, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE
1000
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:57,400
FREDDIE KRUGER COMING
THROUGH THE WALL.
1001
00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,900
UNH.
1002
00:52:59,900 --> 00:53:02,633
DANGLING, LONG LABIA.
A PUSSY THAT RESEMBLES
1003
00:53:02,633 --> 00:53:08,233
A POORLY PACKED SUITCASE.
1004
00:53:08,233 --> 00:53:11,500
AND I KNOW A LOT OF GIRLS ARE
GOING "THAT'S DISGUSTING."
1005
00:53:11,500 --> 00:53:15,033
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
1006
00:53:15,033 --> 00:53:19,367
SO TAKE YOUR THIN PUSSY
AND FUCKING BEAT IT.
1007
00:53:19,367 --> 00:53:21,834
TAKE THAT LITTLE GUPPY MOUTH
YOU CALL A CUNT AND HIT
1008
00:53:21,834 --> 00:53:27,133
THE BRICKS, SISTER.
1009
00:53:27,133 --> 00:53:31,567
I LIKE A BIG, FAT, JUICY
VAGINA, AND I LIKE A BIG CLIT.
1010
00:53:31,567 --> 00:53:39,333
I WANT A CLIT YOU CAN
SEE THROUGH SNOW PANTS.
1011
00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,266
BIG, GIANT LIPS
AND A FAT CLIT.
1012
00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:43,100
IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE A
BASSET HOUND WEARING
1013
00:53:43,100 --> 00:53:55,000
A MINER'S HELMET.
1014
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:58,266
RETARDED. I WANT YOUR
PUSSY TO LOOK RETARDED.
1015
00:53:58,266 --> 00:53:59,800
IT SHOULD HAVE DOWN SYNDROME.
1016
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:02,100
WHEN YOUR PANTIES COME ASIDE,
IT SHOULD JUST FLOP OUT.
1017
00:54:02,100 --> 00:54:08,600
"DUHHHH."
1018
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:10,166
MY GIRLFRIEND HAS
A GREAT PUSSY.
1019
00:54:10,166 --> 00:54:11,700
HER VAGINA FUCKING RULES.
1020
00:54:11,700 --> 00:54:15,200
IT'S OF THE SMALLER
VARIETY, BUT IT'S WET.
1021
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:18,166
I'VE NEVER FELT A WETTER
PUSSY THAN MY GIRLFRIEND'S.
1022
00:54:18,166 --> 00:54:19,767
GOD LOVE HER LITTLE SOUL.
1023
00:54:19,767 --> 00:54:22,767
THE FIRST TIME I NOTICED,
WE WERE IN THE CAR,
1024
00:54:22,767 --> 00:54:25,767
AND, UM...
1025
00:54:25,767 --> 00:54:29,166
AND I FELT IT THROUGH HER
JEANS, AND I PULLED AWAY,
1026
00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:31,100
AND I GOT, LIKE, THAT,
LIKE--YOU KNOW THAT SEXY
1027
00:54:31,100 --> 00:54:32,467
SLIME YOU GET?
1028
00:54:32,467 --> 00:54:33,834
LIKE, IT FEEL LIKE
SOMEBODY WENT "ACHOO."
1029
00:54:33,834 --> 00:54:38,266
LIKE, THAT SEXY--
1030
00:54:38,266 --> 00:54:41,000
AND OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT THE
SEXIEST WAY TO PUT IT, BUT I'M
1031
00:54:41,000 --> 00:54:44,734
LIKE, "WOW. YOU GET WET.
1032
00:54:44,734 --> 00:54:49,000
AND YOU'RE A LEFTY."
1033
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,633
BUT I'M LIKE,
"WOW. YOU GET WET."
1034
00:54:50,633 --> 00:54:52,900
AND SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY."
1035
00:54:52,900 --> 00:54:57,767
"THANKS. FOR A SECOND
I THOUGHT IT WAS ME,
1036
00:54:57,767 --> 00:55:05,433
BUT, NO, APPARENTLY IT'S ANYBODY
WITH A HAND OR A PEPSI."
1037
00:55:05,433 --> 00:55:12,333
BUT, NO, APPARENTLY IT'S ANYBODY
WITH A HAND OR A PEPSI."
1038
00:55:12,333 --> 00:55:14,000
YOU EVER GET A SQUIRTER?
1039
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:15,467
ANYBODY EVER GET
A SQUIRTER?
1040
00:55:15,467 --> 00:55:17,000
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
1041
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:19,100
A FEW GUYS HAVE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
1042
00:55:19,100 --> 00:55:22,233
THERE ARE WOMEN THAT EJACULATE
WHEN THEY HAVE AN ORGASM,
1043
00:55:22,233 --> 00:55:24,633
AND I WAS, LIKE, 25
BEFORE I REALIZED THIS.
1044
00:55:24,633 --> 00:55:27,266
WHEN I GIVE HEAD, I LIKE
TO BE ON MY BACK.
1045
00:55:27,266 --> 00:55:29,533
LIKE, I WANT ONE LEG
THERE AND ONE LEG THERE.
1046
00:55:29,533 --> 00:55:33,433
IT'S LIKE WEARING
A PUSSY IPOD.
1047
00:55:33,433 --> 00:55:35,367
YOU KNOW, JUST PBBB.
1048
00:55:35,367 --> 00:55:36,700
BUT YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.
1049
00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,400
WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT POSITION,
YOU ARE VERY VULNERABLE
1050
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:39,800
BECAUSE WOMEN
ARE BRUTAL, MAN.
1051
00:55:39,800 --> 00:55:41,500
WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR BACK,
SHE'LL PUT HER PALM ON YOUR
1052
00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:44,767
FOREHEAD AND THEN JUST
GRIND OVER YOUR FACE.
1053
00:55:44,767 --> 00:55:46,300
YOU'RE NOT A HUMAN
BEING ANYMORE.
1054
00:55:46,300 --> 00:55:49,300
YOUR FACE IS A BUMPY
THING SHE'S USING TO RUB
1055
00:55:49,300 --> 00:55:52,433
HER CLIT ON.
1056
00:55:52,433 --> 00:55:54,800
IN HER MIND, SHE'S 10,
AND YOU'RE A HORSY
1057
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:59,433
IN FRONT OF THE SUPERMARKET.
1058
00:55:59,433 --> 00:56:01,500
BELIEVE ME. IF YOU DIED,
SHE WOULD NOT NOTICE
1059
00:56:01,500 --> 00:56:03,834
UNTIL SHE WAS FINISHED.
1060
00:56:03,834 --> 00:56:05,433
AND YOU FEEL STUPID,
SO YOU TRY HELPING.
1061
00:56:05,433 --> 00:56:08,500
YOU'RE LIKE, "AUUGHH. UHHH."
1062
00:56:08,500 --> 00:56:10,633
YOU'RE LIKE
TERRI SCHIAVO EATING PUSSY.
1063
00:56:10,633 --> 00:56:13,600
"AUUGHH. UHHH. AUUGHH. UHHH."
1064
00:56:17,934 --> 00:56:19,834
AND THIS GIRL STARTED TO
HAVE AN ORGASM.
1065
00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:22,567
IT WAS LIKE A SUPER SOAKER.
IT WAS LIKE...
1066
00:56:22,567 --> 00:56:24,100
[TCCH TCCH TCCH TCCH]
1067
00:56:24,100 --> 00:56:27,000
AND I'M LIKE, "GULP,
GULP, GULP, GULP."
1068
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,533
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE
TURNED ON IN MY LIFE.
1069
00:56:29,533 --> 00:56:30,567
I JUST WANTED MORE.
1070
00:56:30,567 --> 00:56:32,266
I WAS LIKE, "AHHHHHHH.
1071
00:56:32,266 --> 00:56:35,633
MMM. AHH. RRRRRR."
1072
00:56:35,633 --> 00:56:37,200
[TCCH TCCH]
1073
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:38,567
"RRRRRR."
1074
00:56:38,567 --> 00:56:41,767
[TCCH TCCH]
1075
00:56:41,767 --> 00:56:43,667
AND THEN AFTER IT WAS OVER,
SHE GOT SELF-CONSCIOUS.
1076
00:56:43,667 --> 00:56:46,233
SHE'S LIKE, "THAT
WASN'T PISS!"
1077
00:56:46,233 --> 00:56:47,900
AND I REALIZED THAT IT
HADN'T OCCURRED TO ME
1078
00:56:47,900 --> 00:56:50,600
WHETHER IT WAS OR WASN'T!
1079
00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:52,567
THANK YOU, GUYS, SO
MUCH FOR COMING OUT.
1080
00:56:52,567 --> 00:56:55,333
THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.
1081
00:56:55,333 --> 00:56:56,967
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1082
00:56:56,967 --> 00:56:58,700
I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU.
1083
00:56:58,700 --> 00:57:12,166
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
1084
00:57:12,166 --> 00:57:24,200
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
1085
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:31,734
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
1086
00:57:31,734 --> 00:57:34,734
THANK YOU, AND THANK YOU
TO BLACK SABBATH!
1087
00:57:34,734 --> 00:57:35,967
THANK YOU TO BLACK SABBATH.
80629
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