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1
00:00:52,083 --> 00:00:53,584
Thank you.
2
00:00:55,587 --> 00:00:57,064
When I say hey, you say ho.
3
00:00:57,088 --> 00:00:58,182
Hey.
Ho!
4
00:00:58,206 --> 00:00:59,567
Hey.
Ho!
5
00:00:59,591 --> 00:01:01,376
That's basically how Hitler
Rose to power.
6
00:01:12,387 --> 00:01:14,865
♪ My show
is a little bit silly ♪
7
00:01:14,889 --> 00:01:17,391
♪ and a little bit
pretentious ♪
8
00:01:17,892 --> 00:01:20,371
♪ like Shakespeare's Willie ♪
9
00:01:20,395 --> 00:01:23,448
♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap-on ♪
10
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,655
♪ It's also a little bit gay ♪
11
00:01:31,156 --> 00:01:33,601
♪ and a little bit offensive ♪
12
00:01:33,625 --> 00:01:36,604
♪ like Thanksgiving day ♪
13
00:01:36,628 --> 00:01:39,664
♪ or noam chomsky
wearing a strap... on ♪
14
00:01:44,502 --> 00:01:47,004
♪ so put your cell phones
to vibrate ♪
15
00:01:50,008 --> 00:01:53,561
♪ and put your vibrators
to cell-phone mode ♪
16
00:01:55,563 --> 00:01:56,540
♪ and welcome to the show ♪
17
00:01:56,564 --> 00:01:59,043
♪ it goes a little bit
like this... joke ♪
18
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:00,267
♪ exactly,
welcome to my flow ♪
19
00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,296
♪ it flows a little bit
like this ♪
20
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,714
♪ with a rap and a diss ♪
21
00:02:03,738 --> 00:02:05,633
♪ then a swift rap on the wrist
a rap and a kiss ♪
22
00:02:05,657 --> 00:02:07,635
♪ like hershey's wrappin'
a kiss, shit ♪
23
00:02:07,659 --> 00:02:09,136
♪ I got a show
that'll test your kids ♪
24
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,638
♪ and I'd ask one question,
and the question is ♪
25
00:02:10,662 --> 00:02:12,006
♪ what's funny? ♪
26
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:14,008
♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪
27
00:02:14,032 --> 00:02:16,010
♪ What's funny,
what's funny, what's funny? ♪
28
00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:17,502
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
29
00:02:18,453 --> 00:02:19,930
♪ what's funny ♪
30
00:02:19,954 --> 00:02:21,932
♪ what's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
31
00:02:21,956 --> 00:02:23,934
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
32
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:26,961
♪ Funny, oh, yeah ♪
33
00:02:27,345 --> 00:02:30,608
♪ humor is often linked
to shared experience ♪
34
00:02:30,632 --> 00:02:32,576
♪ like a guy gets up and says
have you noticed ♪
35
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,079
♪ that public restrooms have
really inefficient hand dryers ♪
36
00:02:35,103 --> 00:02:37,081
♪ oh, my god,
yes, I have ♪
37
00:02:37,105 --> 00:02:39,083
♪ ha ha ha,
really good point ♪
38
00:02:39,107 --> 00:02:40,558
♪ they should fix that ♪
39
00:02:40,975 --> 00:02:44,038
♪ it's good to know
that somebody finally gets me ♪
40
00:02:44,062 --> 00:02:46,040
♪ 'cause my wife divorced me
which subconsciously forced me ♪
41
00:02:46,064 --> 00:02:48,042
♪ to lose all sense of self ♪
42
00:02:48,066 --> 00:02:50,044
♪ so it's nice to think
about hand dryers ♪
43
00:02:50,068 --> 00:02:51,512
♪ and not that cheating whore ♪
44
00:02:51,536 --> 00:02:55,299
♪ because stand-up comedy
is actually pretty easy ♪
45
00:02:55,323 --> 00:02:57,658
♪ if you're an Asian comic
just get up and say ♪
46
00:02:58,159 --> 00:03:00,137
♪ my mother's got
the weirdest fuckin' accent ♪
47
00:03:00,161 --> 00:03:02,139
♪ then just do
a Chinese accent ♪
48
00:03:02,163 --> 00:03:04,141
♪ 'cause everybody laughs
at the Chinese accent ♪
49
00:03:04,165 --> 00:03:06,644
♪ because they privately thought
your people were laughable ♪
50
00:03:06,668 --> 00:03:08,169
♪ now you've given them
the chance ♪
51
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:09,830
♪ to express that in public ♪
52
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,285
♪ oh, yeah,
if you're a musical comic ♪
53
00:03:14,309 --> 00:03:17,288
♪ just give 'em a little weird
voice inflection ♪
54
00:03:17,312 --> 00:03:18,789
♪ then take a Viagra ♪
55
00:03:18,813 --> 00:03:21,125
♪ and slap 'em
with a rock-hard misdirection ♪
56
00:03:21,149 --> 00:03:22,493
♪ oh, what's funny? ♪
57
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:24,578
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
58
00:03:24,602 --> 00:03:26,547
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
59
00:03:26,571 --> 00:03:27,989
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
60
00:03:28,273 --> 00:03:30,334
Tourettes!
♪ What's funny? ♪
61
00:03:30,358 --> 00:03:32,336
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
62
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,338
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
63
00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:35,840
♪ Funny, oh ♪
64
00:03:35,864 --> 00:03:38,259
♪ and the audience says,
when I was a baby ♪
65
00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:41,178
♪ maybe I laughed at people
jiggling keys ♪
66
00:03:41,202 --> 00:03:43,564
♪ now I'm older
and bolder and just get mad ♪
67
00:03:43,588 --> 00:03:45,873
♪ 'cause I notice that the keys
are to a Hummer ♪
68
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,601
♪ fuck my life,
I don't fuck my wife ♪
69
00:03:47,625 --> 00:03:49,570
♪ so fuck my wife
and fuck my life ♪
70
00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:52,156
♪ and my son is gay,
but not sitcom gay ♪
71
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:53,107
♪ daughter's a whore
like another girl ♪
72
00:03:53,131 --> 00:03:54,658
♪ that used to be your mother ♪
73
00:03:54,682 --> 00:03:56,660
♪ but the marriage
made her miss Mary americana ♪
74
00:03:56,684 --> 00:03:58,662
♪ I wanna team with
that screamin' prima Donna ♪
75
00:03:58,686 --> 00:04:02,166
♪ but the radical feminists
made my wife a man ♪
76
00:04:02,190 --> 00:04:04,859
♪ oh, and if I die happy
the situation ♪
77
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,705
♪ will be autoerotic
asphyxiation ♪
78
00:04:07,729 --> 00:04:10,591
♪ I hate my life
and it hates me back ♪
79
00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:12,092
♪ and my friend is black ♪
80
00:04:12,116 --> 00:04:14,595
♪ but I don't know
what to call him ♪
81
00:04:14,619 --> 00:04:16,463
♪ so I just call him ♪
82
00:04:16,487 --> 00:04:18,572
"What up, Jamal?"
83
00:04:20,291 --> 00:04:22,353
♪ Even though his name
is Steve ♪
84
00:04:22,377 --> 00:04:23,304
♪ I hate my job,
I hate my life ♪
85
00:04:23,328 --> 00:04:24,855
♪ hate my kids,
I hate my wife ♪
86
00:04:24,879 --> 00:04:26,774
♪ Jews don't I know I do it,
Judas beat me to it ♪
87
00:04:26,798 --> 00:04:29,693
♪ I'm slowly slipping
into a solipsistic coma ♪
88
00:04:29,717 --> 00:04:31,695
♪ and I masturbate
'cause I'm the only one ♪
89
00:04:31,719 --> 00:04:34,471
♪ whose standards
are low enough to fuck me ♪
90
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:54,835
♪ What's funny? ♪
91
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,777
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
92
00:04:57,078 --> 00:04:59,139
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
93
00:04:59,163 --> 00:05:00,164
♪ Funny, fu-funny ♪
94
00:05:00,665 --> 00:05:02,750
It's a boy.
♪ What's funny? ♪
95
00:05:03,334 --> 00:05:04,812
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
96
00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:06,838
♪ What's funny, what's funny,
what's funny? ♪
97
00:05:07,338 --> 00:05:09,340
♪ Funny, yeah ♪
98
00:05:09,791 --> 00:05:11,292
♪ hopefully this ♪
99
00:05:11,843 --> 00:05:13,294
Thank you.
100
00:05:26,441 --> 00:05:27,584
Thank you.
101
00:05:27,608 --> 00:05:29,586
My ex-girlfriend
had a really weird fetish.
102
00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:31,505
She used to like to dress up
as herself
103
00:05:31,529 --> 00:05:33,981
and then act like
a fuckin' bitch all the time.
104
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,799
But you know,
they say if you wanna know
105
00:05:41,823 --> 00:05:43,783
what a girl's gonna look like,
look at her mother,
106
00:05:43,825 --> 00:05:45,585
you know, so I'm so glad
I broke up with her,
107
00:05:45,827 --> 00:05:48,305
'cause she would've been,
you know...
108
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Dead.
109
00:05:53,051 --> 00:05:54,585
I want your baby!
110
00:05:55,086 --> 00:05:56,587
I'm keeping him.
111
00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:02,142
Guys, I'm a realist!
I'm a realist.
112
00:06:02,727 --> 00:06:05,205
I try not to romanticize
reality.
113
00:06:05,229 --> 00:06:07,207
You know, like when life
gives you lemons,
114
00:06:07,231 --> 00:06:09,733
you probably just found lemons.
115
00:06:11,402 --> 00:06:12,963
But at the same time,
116
00:06:12,987 --> 00:06:14,965
I don't deny the beauty
in the world
117
00:06:14,989 --> 00:06:16,991
'cause there is so much beauty,
because life
118
00:06:17,492 --> 00:06:18,969
can be so symmetrical,
119
00:06:18,993 --> 00:06:20,971
it gives birth to this
almost silent poetry,
120
00:06:20,995 --> 00:06:23,974
you know, like a hermaphrodite
playing the keytar,
121
00:06:23,998 --> 00:06:26,060
or a young amish boy trying to
blow out the light bulbs
122
00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:27,502
on his birthday cake,
123
00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:30,420
or a girl... a girl
who's terrible at grammar
124
00:06:30,922 --> 00:06:32,900
saying, "mama,
you raised me good."
125
00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:36,403
And then being pushed
down a well.
126
00:06:36,427 --> 00:06:37,544
Symmetry.
127
00:06:39,597 --> 00:06:42,359
Here's some racial humor
for you.
128
00:06:42,383 --> 00:06:44,218
White people are like this...
"eh."
129
00:06:44,719 --> 00:06:46,196
Black people are like this...
"what?."
130
00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:49,223
We're destined to fight forever.
Blood in the streets.
131
00:06:55,196 --> 00:06:56,256
If I had a dime... ha!
132
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,759
If I had a dime for every time
a homeless guy
133
00:06:58,783 --> 00:07:01,285
asked me for change,
I'd still say, "no."
134
00:07:02,286 --> 00:07:04,154
No. Nope.
135
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:10,354
Yo' mama so fat!
Yo' mama so ugly!
136
00:07:10,378 --> 00:07:11,688
Yo' mama so stupid!
137
00:07:11,712 --> 00:07:13,023
Your mother's breasts sag
with such severity
138
00:07:13,047 --> 00:07:15,549
that the late great
surrealist artist Salvador dali
139
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:18,052
mistook them for clocks.
140
00:07:29,814 --> 00:07:31,291
Um, thank you.
141
00:07:31,315 --> 00:07:34,461
I... I believe...
142
00:07:34,485 --> 00:07:37,965
I believe firmly
that women are always right.
143
00:07:37,989 --> 00:07:39,991
I do. I do.
144
00:07:43,111 --> 00:07:45,139
Oh, I should rephrase that.
145
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:47,141
I, uh...
146
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:48,166
Don't.
147
00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:53,480
♪ Men and women ♪
148
00:07:53,504 --> 00:07:55,506
This song is called
"men and women"!
149
00:07:57,925 --> 00:08:01,822
♪ Men are like vows ♪
150
00:08:01,846 --> 00:08:03,347
♪ 'cause they're
easily broken ♪
151
00:08:03,848 --> 00:08:04,849
♪ oh, yeah ♪
152
00:08:07,935 --> 00:08:11,915
♪ women are like cows ♪
153
00:08:11,939 --> 00:08:14,441
♪ 'cause they both have
vaginas ♪
154
00:08:17,979 --> 00:08:21,008
♪ men are like muzzles ♪
155
00:08:21,032 --> 00:08:23,544
♪ because they'll
try to shut you up ♪
156
00:08:23,568 --> 00:08:24,569
♪ oh, yeah ♪
157
00:08:28,206 --> 00:08:29,707
♪ women are like puzzles ♪
158
00:08:30,208 --> 00:08:34,688
♪ 'cause prior to 1920,
neither had the right to vote ♪
159
00:08:34,712 --> 00:08:37,691
♪ puzzles still don't ♪
160
00:08:37,715 --> 00:08:40,194
♪ oh,
a man is an eagle ♪
161
00:08:40,218 --> 00:08:43,363
♪ yeah,
a woman is a dove ♪
162
00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:46,339
♪ women can fake orgasms ♪
163
00:08:46,674 --> 00:08:50,227
♪ but men can fake love ♪
164
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:04,084
♪ Women are like fingers
and toes ♪
165
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,110
♪ 'cause they're easy
to count on ♪
166
00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:08,029
It's cute.
167
00:09:10,531 --> 00:09:14,511
♪ Men are like ravens
and crows ♪
168
00:09:14,535 --> 00:09:17,037
♪ 'cause they hate
using condoms ♪
169
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,042
What?
170
00:09:21,509 --> 00:09:25,022
♪ Women are like yahtzees,
oh, yeah ♪
171
00:09:25,046 --> 00:09:28,158
♪ 'cause I rarely get them ♪
172
00:09:28,182 --> 00:09:30,777
I don't.
173
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:35,282
♪ Men are like Nazis ♪
174
00:09:35,306 --> 00:09:38,785
♪ 'cause they both caused
the holocaust ♪
175
00:09:38,809 --> 00:09:40,310
It's true.
176
00:09:40,811 --> 00:09:41,672
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
177
00:09:41,696 --> 00:09:43,674
♪ for every dollar
that a man makes ♪
178
00:09:43,698 --> 00:09:45,676
♪ a woman makes 70 cents ♪
179
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:49,096
♪ that doesn't make sense,
that's not fair ♪
180
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,123
♪ the man's only left
with 30 ♪
181
00:09:57,495 --> 00:09:58,913
♪ Men and women ♪
182
00:10:01,832 --> 00:10:05,395
♪ oh, men and women,
it's black and white ♪
183
00:10:05,419 --> 00:10:07,898
♪ with an area of gray
for hermaphrodite ♪
184
00:10:07,922 --> 00:10:09,900
♪ oh, yeah ♪
185
00:10:09,924 --> 00:10:13,010
♪ oh, well, yeah ♪
186
00:10:13,311 --> 00:10:15,372
♪ male strippers ♪
187
00:10:15,396 --> 00:10:17,374
♪ always look like
they're applying lotion ♪
188
00:10:17,398 --> 00:10:20,377
♪ and female strippers when
they're dancing on the pole ♪
189
00:10:20,401 --> 00:10:22,913
♪ just look like ♪
190
00:10:22,937 --> 00:10:24,521
♪ confused firemen ♪
191
00:10:27,024 --> 00:10:28,108
Thanks.
192
00:10:37,785 --> 00:10:39,263
Thank you.
193
00:10:39,287 --> 00:10:40,621
Pick that wedge!
194
00:10:50,348 --> 00:10:52,242
I'm 19 years old.
I'm a young comedian.
195
00:10:52,266 --> 00:10:53,744
I hate that term
"young comedian."
196
00:10:53,768 --> 00:10:55,746
I prefer "prodigy."
197
00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:58,782
And people pigeonhole me,
198
00:10:58,806 --> 00:11:01,868
you know, as a comic,
which is so disingenuous.
199
00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:03,370
'Cause I'm not a comedian.
I'm an artist.
200
00:11:03,394 --> 00:11:05,872
And I don't do comedy shows.
I do one-man shows.
201
00:11:05,896 --> 00:11:09,376
I've been doing them...
1998 was my first one-man show.
202
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,878
It was a show about Jews
in Nazi Germany
203
00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:13,847
called
"under the floorboards."
204
00:11:13,871 --> 00:11:16,800
No, no, no, watch and then judge.
205
00:11:16,824 --> 00:11:19,326
This is a scene
from "under the floorboards."
206
00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:21,888
Hey.
207
00:11:21,912 --> 00:11:24,748
Shh!
208
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:27,634
Then in '99...
209
00:11:34,558 --> 00:11:36,438
'99, I did a piece called
"the catholic orgasm."
210
00:11:36,811 --> 00:11:38,762
I'll do a scene from that.
211
00:11:43,567 --> 00:11:47,631
2000... um...
212
00:11:47,655 --> 00:11:53,637
2000, I did a piece called
"the inappropriate musician."
213
00:11:53,661 --> 00:11:55,589
Mike...
214
00:11:55,613 --> 00:11:58,091
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike.
215
00:11:58,115 --> 00:11:59,092
Mike, think about your kids.
216
00:11:59,116 --> 00:12:00,594
You want them to grow up
without a father?
217
00:12:00,618 --> 00:12:02,818
Is that what you want, Mike?
Mike, please, listen to me!
218
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,599
I'm your friend! Mike!
Mike, no, Mike!
219
00:12:05,623 --> 00:12:07,458
No, Mike!
220
00:12:10,428 --> 00:12:12,930
He's saved.
221
00:12:13,347 --> 00:12:16,360
And then in, um, 2001,
222
00:12:16,384 --> 00:12:18,912
I did John steinbeck's
"the grapes of wrath,"
223
00:12:18,936 --> 00:12:20,414
except I adapted it into a story
224
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:22,273
about an intergalactic sexual
predator
225
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:24,107
called "the rapes of grath."
226
00:12:27,395 --> 00:12:28,705
2002, I did a piece...
227
00:12:28,729 --> 00:12:30,769
If you're familiar with
the piece "the elephant man"
228
00:12:31,232 --> 00:12:33,210
I did a piece based off that
called "bulldog man"
229
00:12:33,234 --> 00:12:37,238
and I'll do a monologue
from that right now.
230
00:12:49,633 --> 00:12:52,646
2000, uh...
231
00:12:52,670 --> 00:12:55,649
2000... thank you.
That was a good one.
232
00:12:55,673 --> 00:12:58,151
I got a danza nomination
for that.
233
00:12:58,175 --> 00:13:01,178
It's right after the Tonys.
2000...
234
00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:02,656
2003 I did a piece
235
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,182
called "the native American
in the magic show."
236
00:13:05,683 --> 00:13:07,685
How?
237
00:13:09,186 --> 00:13:15,168
2004, I did a piece called
"smeagol from lord of the rings
238
00:13:15,192 --> 00:13:17,637
having sex with a black girl.
239
00:13:17,661 --> 00:13:19,663
Oh! Precious.
240
00:13:21,999 --> 00:13:23,834
Two thou...
241
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:32,853
2005, I did a piece called
242
00:13:32,877 --> 00:13:34,879
"Charlie brown
getting molested."
243
00:13:37,765 --> 00:13:40,300
What are you doing?
Hello, is anybody here?
244
00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:44,748
What are you doing?
Let go of me!
245
00:13:44,772 --> 00:13:46,273
What are you doing?!
246
00:13:50,361 --> 00:13:51,838
Good grief!
247
00:13:51,862 --> 00:13:54,624
So, 2000, um..
248
00:13:54,648 --> 00:13:58,902
Thank you. Yeah.
249
00:13:59,236 --> 00:14:01,298
That was a good one.
250
00:14:01,322 --> 00:14:03,324
2005, 6? 5?
251
00:14:03,824 --> 00:14:05,268
Doesn't matter.
I'm lying.
252
00:14:05,292 --> 00:14:09,329
2000...
253
00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:14,334
2006, I did a piece called
"the figure skater's father."
254
00:14:17,838 --> 00:14:19,316
My son?
What does he do?
255
00:14:19,340 --> 00:14:20,841
He's a, uh...
256
00:14:24,345 --> 00:14:26,980
He's an athlete.
257
00:14:27,565 --> 00:14:29,042
What kind of athlete?
258
00:14:29,066 --> 00:14:30,567
He's a, uh...
259
00:14:34,405 --> 00:14:35,966
He's a f...
260
00:14:35,990 --> 00:14:37,467
He a...
261
00:14:37,491 --> 00:14:39,493
He's a f...
262
00:14:41,328 --> 00:14:43,363
2000...
263
00:14:45,833 --> 00:14:50,313
2007, I did a piece called
"the juggler's wife."
264
00:14:50,337 --> 00:14:53,623
"Please stop juggling!"
265
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,939
2008...
266
00:14:58,963 --> 00:15:01,942
I did a dark piece that caused
a lot of controversy
267
00:15:01,966 --> 00:15:03,446
because I played a slave
in the 1780s,
268
00:15:03,851 --> 00:15:05,912
but I didn't wear makeup,
'cause as an artist,
269
00:15:05,936 --> 00:15:07,914
I feel I'm qualified
to tell any story.
270
00:15:07,938 --> 00:15:10,917
And it was
a piece called "whiplashes,"
271
00:15:10,941 --> 00:15:13,920
and it's raw, hard art,
so if you're averse to that,
272
00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,922
you might want to look away.
273
00:15:15,946 --> 00:15:18,365
But this is the climactic scene
from "whiplashes."
274
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,490
You'll have to answer
to god for this.
275
00:15:28,993 --> 00:15:30,461
Ow.
276
00:15:42,222 --> 00:15:45,201
You're a dick.
277
00:15:45,225 --> 00:15:48,311
And then, um...
278
00:15:48,812 --> 00:15:50,814
2009, which is the final piece
279
00:15:51,315 --> 00:15:53,793
before the piece
I'm doing currently, um...
280
00:15:53,817 --> 00:15:55,318
I did a really emotional piece.
281
00:15:55,819 --> 00:15:57,859
It means a lot to me,
so forgive me if I break down,
282
00:15:58,322 --> 00:15:59,799
but it's called
the "the boy and his dog."
283
00:15:59,823 --> 00:16:01,825
It goes like this.
284
00:16:04,328 --> 00:16:06,330
Get out of here, all right?
Go, please.
285
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:08,832
I can't afford to keep you
anymore, I just can't.
286
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:11,918
Just... don't make this harder
than it has to be.
287
00:16:12,419 --> 00:16:13,396
Just... I hate you.
288
00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:14,898
Is that what you need
to hear from me?
289
00:16:14,922 --> 00:16:16,650
I hate you, okay?
I hate you.
290
00:16:16,674 --> 00:16:18,759
I hate you!
291
00:16:22,212 --> 00:16:24,264
And it's just not me.
292
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,351
My dog hates Mexicans, too.
293
00:16:47,905 --> 00:16:50,216
Oh, god.
Gotta love irony.
294
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,242
I, um...
295
00:16:59,249 --> 00:17:01,227
I believe in the zodiac.
296
00:17:01,251 --> 00:17:02,729
I do, I do, completely.
297
00:17:02,753 --> 00:17:04,731
I'm a Leo.
I love "Titanic."
298
00:17:04,755 --> 00:17:08,735
But this is something
a little bit morbidly ironic.
299
00:17:08,759 --> 00:17:11,204
My grandmother,
she was a cancer,
300
00:17:11,228 --> 00:17:13,263
and she was actually killed
301
00:17:13,764 --> 00:17:15,766
by a giant crab.
302
00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:20,747
This is a song
about the idea of irony.
303
00:17:20,771 --> 00:17:24,250
So strap in.
304
00:17:24,274 --> 00:17:26,720
♪ My dog's stomach
was very upset ♪
305
00:17:26,744 --> 00:17:29,339
♪ so I put him in the car,
and we went to the vet ♪
306
00:17:29,363 --> 00:17:31,891
♪ and on our way to the vet ♪
307
00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:32,926
♪ I killed a cat ♪
308
00:17:32,950 --> 00:17:36,253
♪ hey,
I said isn't that ironic? ♪
309
00:17:37,838 --> 00:17:40,316
♪ I adopted a child
from overseas ♪
310
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:42,736
♪ to rescue him
from child-labor factories ♪
311
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,821
♪ and on his
very first birthday ♪
312
00:17:44,845 --> 00:17:48,131
♪ we went
to build-a-bear workshop ♪
313
00:17:48,382 --> 00:17:50,467
♪ isn't that ironic? ♪
314
00:17:50,968 --> 00:17:53,446
♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
315
00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:57,200
♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
316
00:17:57,224 --> 00:17:59,169
♪ water park
is burned to the ground ♪
317
00:17:59,193 --> 00:18:02,196
♪ and a tow truck
has broken down ♪
318
00:18:02,529 --> 00:18:04,841
♪ I always used to cry
when I laughed ♪
319
00:18:04,865 --> 00:18:07,817
♪ and then I was raped
by a clown ♪
320
00:18:12,906 --> 00:18:14,457
♪ Isn't... ♪
321
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:18,938
♪ I was watching al Gore
on CNN ♪
322
00:18:18,962 --> 00:18:21,941
♪ he was talking and talking
and talking and then ♪
323
00:18:21,965 --> 00:18:26,446
♪ out of boredom my pet
polar bear shot himself ♪
324
00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:28,305
♪ isn't that ironic? ♪
325
00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:32,368
♪ I dated
an animal rights activist ♪
326
00:18:32,392 --> 00:18:34,871
♪ and one day
she got really pissed ♪
327
00:18:34,895 --> 00:18:39,292
♪ because I was eating veal
that was wrapped in pita bread ♪
328
00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:40,900
Peta? Fuck it.
329
00:18:42,903 --> 00:18:45,381
♪ Isn't that i-r-o-n-i-c ♪
330
00:18:45,405 --> 00:18:49,242
♪ i-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♪
331
00:18:49,526 --> 00:18:52,589
♪ Yeah,
I'm a stand-up comic ♪
332
00:18:52,613 --> 00:18:55,008
♪ and I always sit
and slouch ♪
333
00:18:55,032 --> 00:18:57,894
♪ and I got
my girlfriend pregnant ♪
334
00:18:57,918 --> 00:19:01,421
♪ on my sterile uncle's
pull-out couch ♪
335
00:19:04,842 --> 00:19:08,404
♪ isn't it ironic?
I-r-o-n-i-c ♪
336
00:19:08,428 --> 00:19:11,464
♪ yeah, if every day you play
the board game risk ♪
337
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:14,944
♪ you've probably never taken
a risk in your life ♪
338
00:19:14,968 --> 00:19:17,864
♪ and monopoly
has far from a stranglehold ♪
339
00:19:17,888 --> 00:19:19,783
♪ on the board game market ♪
340
00:19:19,807 --> 00:19:22,085
♪ a little kid died
from suffocation ♪
341
00:19:22,109 --> 00:19:24,978
♪ when he choked on a game piece
from operation ♪
342
00:19:25,229 --> 00:19:27,757
♪ and I can't grow a beard ♪
343
00:19:27,781 --> 00:19:28,792
♪ that one's not ironic ♪
344
00:19:28,816 --> 00:19:30,818
♪ that one's just sad ♪
345
00:19:35,239 --> 00:19:40,127
♪ yeah, Bob barker
got all of my pets pregnant ♪
346
00:19:47,801 --> 00:19:50,563
♪ My grandfather
had Alzheimer's ♪
347
00:19:50,587 --> 00:19:53,089
♪ and one day, we were ♪
348
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,436
Take it off, big boy!
349
00:20:06,937 --> 00:20:08,414
Thank you, it's a medium.
350
00:20:08,438 --> 00:20:11,417
Um...
351
00:20:11,441 --> 00:20:14,671
We live in a binary reality.
We do.
352
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:16,089
It's a world of black and white.
353
00:20:16,113 --> 00:20:18,508
There's only two types
of people in this world,
354
00:20:18,532 --> 00:20:20,760
you know,
those who can finish lists...
355
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:23,847
What is art?
What is art?
356
00:20:23,871 --> 00:20:26,850
Is art something gay people do
to get back at their fathers?
357
00:20:26,874 --> 00:20:29,235
Could be.
What is an artist?
358
00:20:29,259 --> 00:20:31,339
What makes a great artist,
great artists like myself,
359
00:20:31,628 --> 00:20:33,046
like the great director
Michael bay.
360
00:20:33,347 --> 00:20:35,432
Like the great Irish actor,
Shaquille O'Neal.
361
00:20:38,936 --> 00:20:42,415
We ask questions, you know?
362
00:20:42,439 --> 00:20:45,919
Questions nobody else
dares to ask.
363
00:20:45,943 --> 00:20:48,445
Questions like...
364
00:20:48,896 --> 00:20:51,398
Where are all
the sour patch parents?
365
00:20:57,371 --> 00:20:59,299
Questions like
if Mickey's a mouse
366
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:00,800
and minnie's a mouse,
and Donald's a duck,
367
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:02,302
and Daisy and goofy,
if they're all animals,
368
00:21:02,326 --> 00:21:06,806
and they can talk,
why is pluto just a fuckin' dog?
369
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:10,310
Why... did they just forget to
anthropomorphize him, or worse,
370
00:21:10,334 --> 00:21:12,812
is Mickey keeping a mentally
handicapped dude as pet?
371
00:21:12,836 --> 00:21:14,814
I'm not making light of it.
That's fucked up.
372
00:21:14,838 --> 00:21:17,317
How does it fit into
that universe, that paradigm?
373
00:21:17,341 --> 00:21:19,501
Goofy's a dog. He's talking.
This one, crawling around.
374
00:21:22,813 --> 00:21:26,349
Guys, I would never bash Disney.
I would never bash Disney.
375
00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:29,128
I think Disney teaches
young kids
376
00:21:29,152 --> 00:21:30,630
such important lessons.
377
00:21:30,654 --> 00:21:32,632
The Princess fairy tales
teach young girls
378
00:21:32,656 --> 00:21:34,000
such important lessons.
379
00:21:34,024 --> 00:21:35,418
You know, like cinderella,
380
00:21:35,442 --> 00:21:36,970
it doesn't matter
where you come from
381
00:21:36,994 --> 00:21:39,997
or how poor you are as long
as you're incredibly hot.
382
00:21:42,332 --> 00:21:46,679
Snow white, you know, which
encourages children to,
383
00:21:46,703 --> 00:21:49,172
you know,
give midgets nicknames.
384
00:21:55,379 --> 00:21:56,940
Sleeping beauty, you know,
385
00:21:56,964 --> 00:21:59,943
which encourages, uh...
386
00:21:59,967 --> 00:22:01,527
Date rape.
387
00:22:01,551 --> 00:22:03,719
Maybe not... maybe not that one.
388
00:22:06,306 --> 00:22:08,534
I was doing a show recently
on the border
389
00:22:08,558 --> 00:22:11,037
of Hannah, Montana,
and south Dakota fanning.
390
00:22:11,061 --> 00:22:13,563
And a guy came up to me
after the show,
391
00:22:14,064 --> 00:22:15,758
and said, "Bo, why don't
you ever tell stories
392
00:22:15,782 --> 00:22:17,343
about people coming up to you
after the show?"
393
00:22:17,367 --> 00:22:18,967
And I said,
"'cause they're never funny."
394
00:22:21,872 --> 00:22:24,767
I would fuck you.
395
00:22:24,791 --> 00:22:26,769
This is a listening show.
396
00:22:26,793 --> 00:22:29,295
Um...
397
00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:34,300
Yeah.
398
00:22:34,801 --> 00:22:39,088
Be quiet, america doesn't
want to hear you clap.
399
00:22:39,339 --> 00:22:40,900
Do it, though, when I need it.
400
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,058
When I need it!
401
00:22:44,644 --> 00:22:47,123
I've always wanted
a black girlfriend,
402
00:22:47,147 --> 00:22:49,125
not as joke, just 'cause like,
403
00:22:49,149 --> 00:22:53,246
then when we 69,
I can call it "yin yanging."
404
00:22:53,270 --> 00:22:54,854
Guys, see...
405
00:22:55,072 --> 00:22:57,750
Easy, look,
it's 21st-century racism.
406
00:22:57,774 --> 00:22:59,836
It's racism in light of itself.
407
00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:02,171
The only reason I'm making these
claims is because the stigmas
408
00:23:02,195 --> 00:23:05,258
about race are already there
and I'm just playing off that.
409
00:23:05,282 --> 00:23:07,760
'Cause I think racism itself
is so ridiculous,
410
00:23:07,784 --> 00:23:09,624
and they understand that,
so if after the show,
411
00:23:09,786 --> 00:23:11,147
you see a black guy
beating me up,
412
00:23:11,171 --> 00:23:14,233
he's doing it ironically.
413
00:23:14,257 --> 00:23:15,258
Okay?
414
00:23:28,021 --> 00:23:30,523
I'll sleep with you!
415
00:23:32,025 --> 00:23:33,810
We all will!
416
00:23:40,484 --> 00:23:41,485
Ya done?
417
00:23:44,988 --> 00:23:47,517
Of course all the women that
said that were in the dark.
418
00:23:47,541 --> 00:23:50,043
I, um...
419
00:23:50,544 --> 00:23:52,546
No, I bet you're gorgeous
in the dark.
420
00:23:53,046 --> 00:23:55,048
Um...
421
00:23:55,549 --> 00:23:57,384
Okay.
422
00:24:11,014 --> 00:24:12,992
♪ I'm a feminine eminem ♪
423
00:24:13,016 --> 00:24:15,518
♪ a slim shady lady but nice
'cause I texted Haiti ♪
424
00:24:16,019 --> 00:24:17,497
♪ 90 lady cops in the road ♪
425
00:24:17,521 --> 00:24:19,239
♪ and I'm arrested
for doin' 80 ♪
426
00:24:19,523 --> 00:24:21,584
♪ like Hamlet, I'm about words,
words, words ♪
427
00:24:21,608 --> 00:24:23,586
♪ divide a whole into thirds,
thirds, thirds ♪
428
00:24:23,610 --> 00:24:25,088
♪ I'm a gay sea otter ♪
429
00:24:25,112 --> 00:24:26,556
♪ I blow other dudes
out of the water ♪
430
00:24:26,580 --> 00:24:28,975
♪ I'm the man-muffin
divin' muffin, ♪
431
00:24:28,999 --> 00:24:30,676
♪ cold and fly
like an arctic puffin' ♪
432
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:32,478
♪ puffin' wacky-tobaccy ♪
433
00:24:32,502 --> 00:24:34,480
♪ hatin' other rappers
like I'm huggin' pataki ♪
434
00:24:34,504 --> 00:24:36,849
♪ and I've been rockin' this mic
before electricity ♪
435
00:24:36,873 --> 00:24:38,734
♪ way back in 1,000 b.C.E. ♪
436
00:24:38,758 --> 00:24:40,760
♪ That's before
the comin' era... ♪
437
00:24:42,596 --> 00:24:43,906
♪ Oh, god, can't be stopped ♪
438
00:24:43,930 --> 00:24:45,848
♪ flow so sick
that it should be mopped up ♪
439
00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:47,513
♪ chick's got a Dixie cup ♪
440
00:24:47,884 --> 00:24:49,829
♪ I got a dick full of helium,
I'll fuck you up ♪
441
00:24:49,853 --> 00:24:51,747
♪ a boy, a girl,
a middle-aged bitch ♪
442
00:24:51,771 --> 00:24:53,783
♪ Botox in the third person ♪
443
00:24:53,807 --> 00:24:55,751
♪ I gave the perspective
a switch and ♪
444
00:24:55,775 --> 00:24:57,620
♪ Botox in the third person ♪
445
00:24:57,644 --> 00:24:59,005
♪ oh, just relax ♪
446
00:24:59,029 --> 00:25:00,947
♪ if you want to know me
here's two facts ♪
447
00:25:01,281 --> 00:25:03,593
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
448
00:25:03,617 --> 00:25:05,652
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
449
00:25:08,155 --> 00:25:11,517
♪ said I hate
catchy choruses ♪
450
00:25:11,541 --> 00:25:13,242
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
451
00:25:13,827 --> 00:25:14,771
Yeah!
452
00:25:14,795 --> 00:25:17,273
♪ Met a girl named Macy ♪
453
00:25:17,297 --> 00:25:18,774
♪ I had sex with her
all day ♪
454
00:25:18,798 --> 00:25:20,309
♪ but she was dyslexic ♪
455
00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:22,395
♪ so I ended up
doing the ymca ♪
456
00:25:22,419 --> 00:25:23,896
♪ we ball in Asian ♪
457
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,315
♪ we bowl in prostate cancer
semicolon ♪
458
00:25:26,339 --> 00:25:28,391
♪ find that hole
like I'm Stephen Hawking ♪
459
00:25:28,892 --> 00:25:30,703
♪ Atticus Finch,
killing, mocking ♪
460
00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:32,061
♪ cry like a child would ♪
461
00:25:32,562 --> 00:25:33,539
♪ you raped my childhood ♪
462
00:25:33,563 --> 00:25:35,541
♪ just strollin',
rollin' your pole in ♪
463
00:25:35,565 --> 00:25:37,910
♪ to roly-Polly
olly's colon ♪
464
00:25:37,934 --> 00:25:39,245
♪ to relax the mind ♪
465
00:25:39,269 --> 00:25:41,214
♪ I take a walk by the clock,
and I pass the time ♪
466
00:25:41,238 --> 00:25:43,166
♪ and rhymin'
mathematical timing ♪
467
00:25:43,190 --> 00:25:45,001
♪ syntax impacts
the intact timin' ♪
468
00:25:45,025 --> 00:25:46,836
♪ I'm an Internet provider ♪
469
00:25:46,860 --> 00:25:48,838
♪ came from the web
like a horny spider ♪
470
00:25:48,862 --> 00:25:50,363
♪ kissed a girl
in an apple orchard ♪
471
00:25:50,864 --> 00:25:52,091
♪ then slipped in cider ♪
472
00:25:52,115 --> 00:25:53,476
♪ I thought aids
was a butt virus ♪
473
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:55,978
♪ like conjunction junction
conjunctivitis ♪
474
00:25:56,002 --> 00:25:58,981
♪ I spit gold bars 'cause I was
molested by my uncle midas ♪
475
00:25:59,005 --> 00:26:01,457
♪ gay dads blow pops,
another sucker ♪
476
00:26:01,958 --> 00:26:03,269
♪ oedipus
was the first mother fucker ♪
477
00:26:03,293 --> 00:26:06,155
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
478
00:26:06,179 --> 00:26:07,607
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
479
00:26:07,631 --> 00:26:09,716
♪ hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪
480
00:26:10,183 --> 00:26:12,718
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
481
00:26:13,186 --> 00:26:14,720
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
482
00:26:17,057 --> 00:26:18,108
♪ we the people of usa ♪
483
00:26:18,642 --> 00:26:20,620
♪ Jose, we're not talking
to you, esse ♪
484
00:26:20,644 --> 00:26:22,622
♪ we got a border in order
to keep you out ♪
485
00:26:22,646 --> 00:26:24,123
♪ it's what my nyu essay
is about ♪
486
00:26:24,147 --> 00:26:25,987
♪ 'cause we're south of heaven,
north of hell ♪
487
00:26:26,483 --> 00:26:27,963
♪ buy, buy, buy, buy,
buy, buy, sell ♪
488
00:26:28,034 --> 00:26:29,595
♪ we guard the border
and we guard it well ♪
489
00:26:29,619 --> 00:26:31,547
♪ but some slip through the
cracks of the Liberty bell ♪
490
00:26:31,571 --> 00:26:33,466
♪ did I say Liberty?
I meant taco, paco ♪
491
00:26:33,490 --> 00:26:35,468
♪ hey, you better
let that rock go ♪
492
00:26:35,492 --> 00:26:36,969
♪ 'cause in real life,
Goliath wins ♪
493
00:26:36,993 --> 00:26:38,471
♪ sells all the silk
that the widow spins ♪
494
00:26:38,495 --> 00:26:40,330
♪ yeah, one more time ♪
495
00:26:40,547 --> 00:26:43,132
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
496
00:26:43,633 --> 00:26:45,001
♪ and I'm a hypocrite ♪
497
00:26:45,252 --> 00:26:47,637
♪ said a hungry,
hungry hypocrite ♪
498
00:26:47,837 --> 00:26:50,399
♪ I hate catchy choruses ♪
499
00:26:50,423 --> 00:26:52,902
♪ and I'm a hy-y-pocrite ♪
500
00:26:52,926 --> 00:26:54,453
Yeah.
501
00:26:54,477 --> 00:26:56,539
♪ Bitches and hoes,
Bo's hoes ♪
502
00:26:56,563 --> 00:26:58,491
♪ yeah,
bitches and hoes ♪
503
00:26:58,515 --> 00:27:01,210
♪ yeah, I said bitches,
hoes ♪
504
00:27:01,234 --> 00:27:02,712
♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪
505
00:27:02,736 --> 00:27:04,738
♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪
506
00:27:05,105 --> 00:27:06,666
♪ bitches and hoes
don't exist ♪
507
00:27:06,690 --> 00:27:08,167
♪ because the hoes know
Bo's a feminist ♪
508
00:27:08,191 --> 00:27:10,670
♪ so take your bras
and burn 'em ♪
509
00:27:10,694 --> 00:27:12,638
♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪
510
00:27:12,662 --> 00:27:14,022
♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪
511
00:27:14,197 --> 00:27:15,717
♪ oh, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪
512
00:27:15,949 --> 00:27:18,010
♪ take your bras
and burn 'em ♪
513
00:27:18,034 --> 00:27:19,512
♪ you can let me burn 'em ♪
514
00:27:19,536 --> 00:27:21,037
♪ take off your bras
and burn 'em ♪
515
00:27:21,538 --> 00:27:23,540
♪ burn 'em, you can let
Bo Burnham burn 'em ♪
516
00:27:45,228 --> 00:27:46,779
What the fuck?
517
00:27:57,157 --> 00:27:59,051
Let US pray.
518
00:27:59,075 --> 00:28:00,636
Don't feel like
you can't participate,
519
00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:02,138
by the way,
if you're not Christian,
520
00:28:02,162 --> 00:28:05,641
'cause this is a prayer
for all faiths, so...
521
00:28:05,665 --> 00:28:07,667
Dear Jesus of nazareth...
522
00:28:09,502 --> 00:28:11,314
First of all,
I'd like to thank you
523
00:28:11,338 --> 00:28:13,282
for calling yourself
Jesus of nazareth.
524
00:28:13,306 --> 00:28:15,368
It's sort of like the lord
of the rings or something.
525
00:28:15,392 --> 00:28:18,871
"I am Jesus of nazareth,
son of orflek, the butcher."
526
00:28:18,895 --> 00:28:22,398
We know, lord, that you so
loved the world from John 3:16,
527
00:28:22,899 --> 00:28:25,878
you so loved the world
that you sent your only son
528
00:28:25,902 --> 00:28:28,964
to die for US, your only son,
but at the same time,
529
00:28:28,988 --> 00:28:30,966
we're all your children,
so in your eyes,
530
00:28:30,990 --> 00:28:32,491
we're a bunch of girls.
531
00:28:37,497 --> 00:28:39,058
So help US as we struggle
532
00:28:39,082 --> 00:28:41,060
with the temptations
of lesbianism, amen.
533
00:28:41,084 --> 00:28:42,678
I, uh...
534
00:28:42,702 --> 00:28:45,564
People come to me all the time...
All the time,
535
00:28:45,588 --> 00:28:47,566
they say the same thing,
you know,
536
00:28:47,590 --> 00:28:49,541
"Bo, you're an artist.
How do we fix Africa?"
537
00:28:54,631 --> 00:28:59,195
I read recently that there are
over 22 million people
538
00:28:59,219 --> 00:29:01,697
living with HIV aids
in Sub-Saharan Africa.
539
00:29:01,721 --> 00:29:05,167
Yeah.
It was a snapple fact.
540
00:29:05,191 --> 00:29:07,776
How do we fix it?
How do we fix it?
541
00:29:08,278 --> 00:29:09,278
This.
542
00:29:09,779 --> 00:29:11,757
Because laughter...
543
00:29:11,781 --> 00:29:13,759
Laughter is the best medicine,
544
00:29:13,783 --> 00:29:15,701
you know, besides medicine.
545
00:29:19,489 --> 00:29:20,990
You guys like impressions?
546
00:29:22,992 --> 00:29:26,472
Why?
547
00:29:26,496 --> 00:29:27,997
That was socrates.
548
00:29:29,749 --> 00:29:31,627
We've done a lot of laughing...
Lot of laughing.
549
00:29:31,651 --> 00:29:34,697
Great for a comedy show.
Hey, break the fourth wall.
550
00:29:34,721 --> 00:29:36,699
Ma'am.
Fifth wall... ma'am at home.
551
00:29:36,723 --> 00:29:40,286
We've done a lot of...
We've done a lot of laughing.
552
00:29:40,310 --> 00:29:42,371
But we haven't done a lot
of thinking.
553
00:29:42,395 --> 00:29:44,397
And I'd like to do that now,
and what better
554
00:29:44,898 --> 00:29:47,376
to stop comic inertia than
a little bit of poetic friction?
555
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:48,878
I've written some haikus.
556
00:29:48,902 --> 00:29:51,380
Haikus are Japanese poems
consisting of 17 syllables,
557
00:29:51,404 --> 00:29:53,299
3 lines, 5, 7, 5.
558
00:29:53,323 --> 00:29:56,252
I find them to have a certain
clearness in their cogency,
559
00:29:56,276 --> 00:29:58,254
sort of a soundness in their
simplicity, if you will.
560
00:29:58,278 --> 00:30:01,257
So what we'll do now hopefully
is read these haikus,
561
00:30:01,281 --> 00:30:03,259
think for a little bit,
and then we'll go back
562
00:30:03,283 --> 00:30:04,760
to the jokes and the laughing
563
00:30:04,784 --> 00:30:07,263
and we'll have benefited
from the time we took to think.
564
00:30:07,287 --> 00:30:09,732
So if could just, you know,
565
00:30:09,756 --> 00:30:12,258
put up with these,
think for a bit, hopefully,
566
00:30:12,759 --> 00:30:14,236
and then we'll go back
to the jokes,
567
00:30:14,260 --> 00:30:16,262
but these are my haikus.
568
00:30:25,104 --> 00:30:28,056
I saw a rainbow
on the day my grandma died.
569
00:30:30,977 --> 00:30:31,977
Fucking lesbian.
570
00:30:42,372 --> 00:30:47,052
For 15 cents a day,
you can feed an African.
571
00:30:47,076 --> 00:30:49,078
They eat pennies.
572
00:30:56,836 --> 00:30:58,814
Old people's skin sags
573
00:30:58,838 --> 00:31:01,567
because it is being
pulled towards the underworld.
574
00:31:01,591 --> 00:31:04,594
Missed that.
575
00:31:11,901 --> 00:31:15,164
A kid insulted my mother
so I said,
576
00:31:15,188 --> 00:31:17,190
"your mama is so black!"
577
00:31:26,749 --> 00:31:30,369
"Do unto others as you would
have them do to you."
578
00:31:32,872 --> 00:31:34,673
Said the rapist.
579
00:31:44,267 --> 00:31:49,639
My aunt used to say,
"slow and steady wins the race."
580
00:31:52,559 --> 00:31:54,394
She died in a fire.
581
00:32:02,285 --> 00:32:05,381
Those in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones
582
00:32:05,405 --> 00:32:08,491
or masturbate in the daytime.
583
00:32:10,460 --> 00:32:12,578
It's true.
584
00:32:16,382 --> 00:32:18,861
Even if he is your friend,
585
00:32:18,885 --> 00:32:21,888
never, ever call
an Asian person.
586
00:32:31,931 --> 00:32:33,409
And finally...
587
00:32:33,433 --> 00:32:35,435
Bono, if you wanna help
poor people,
588
00:32:35,935 --> 00:32:38,320
sell your tinted shades,
you cunt.
589
00:32:52,035 --> 00:32:53,195
Thank you, this next piece...
590
00:32:53,536 --> 00:32:55,981
This next piece is called
"sonnet 155"
591
00:32:56,005 --> 00:32:57,983
or "if Shakespeare
had written a porn."
592
00:32:58,007 --> 00:32:59,985
And it goes like this.
593
00:33:00,009 --> 00:33:02,488
I saw the morning dew
betwixt thine thighs
594
00:33:02,512 --> 00:33:04,463
as I removed my source
of grecian power.
595
00:33:04,847 --> 00:33:07,409
As if king midas
dared to touch the skies,
596
00:33:07,433 --> 00:33:09,802
upon thy body fell
a golden shower.
597
00:33:13,189 --> 00:33:15,918
Thy body's temple's
two church bells had rung.
598
00:33:15,942 --> 00:33:18,754
Upon thy chest,
a roll of pearls bestowed.
599
00:33:18,778 --> 00:33:21,540
The sun had set,
thy set with weary hung.
600
00:33:21,564 --> 00:33:25,734
I thought, how black a night,
and blew a load.
601
00:33:29,739 --> 00:33:32,217
I said what light through yonder
beaver breaks?
602
00:33:32,241 --> 00:33:33,742
It is the yeast.
603
00:33:42,001 --> 00:33:43,812
And now my belly's yellow.
604
00:33:43,836 --> 00:33:46,649
My pole gives cause
to storms and earthy quakes,
605
00:33:46,673 --> 00:33:49,535
but 'tis not massive,
I am no othello.
606
00:33:49,559 --> 00:33:52,538
And when that final moment
came to pass,
607
00:33:52,562 --> 00:33:55,040
like Christ,
I came a-riding on an ass.
608
00:33:55,064 --> 00:33:56,064
Thank you very much.
609
00:34:05,191 --> 00:34:07,970
Thank you,
William Shakespeare...
610
00:34:07,994 --> 00:34:09,972
William Shakespeare
was a verbal contortionist.
611
00:34:09,996 --> 00:34:11,473
He can bend his words
612
00:34:11,497 --> 00:34:12,975
the way a contortionist
bends his frame,
613
00:34:12,999 --> 00:34:13,976
and I would hope that he could
614
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:15,477
with a name
like William Shakespeare.
615
00:34:15,501 --> 00:34:16,979
William Shakespeare...
Some of you seem lost.
616
00:34:17,003 --> 00:34:18,430
Look, say your name
was Robert frost,
617
00:34:18,454 --> 00:34:19,982
and you couldn't write,
that would suck.
618
00:34:20,006 --> 00:34:21,934
Well, I guess you could always
go as Bobby frost
619
00:34:21,958 --> 00:34:23,485
and own an ice cream truck.
620
00:34:23,509 --> 00:34:26,989
He was balanced like a simile
and could stack metaphor five,
621
00:34:27,013 --> 00:34:28,273
six at a time and rhyme
622
00:34:28,297 --> 00:34:29,777
into the very last line
of a soliloquy
623
00:34:30,299 --> 00:34:31,777
which finally said outright
what the previous 77
624
00:34:31,801 --> 00:34:33,245
we're only hinting at.
625
00:34:33,269 --> 00:34:34,747
He had puns and quips
and tons of trips
626
00:34:34,771 --> 00:34:35,771
with sons with ships,
627
00:34:36,272 --> 00:34:37,750
with nuns with hips
and buns and lips,
628
00:34:37,774 --> 00:34:40,753
but I have something
that Shakespeare never had.
629
00:34:40,777 --> 00:34:42,779
Penicillin.
630
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,258
See, it hadn't been
invented yet.
631
00:34:46,282 --> 00:34:49,261
Back then, they only had
quillicillin, hey-oh!
632
00:34:49,285 --> 00:34:50,345
Sorry, it's not that hard, bard.
633
00:34:50,369 --> 00:34:51,847
I'm sorry, I got a bone
to pick with you, William.
634
00:34:51,871 --> 00:34:53,716
So if you could just
listen up here
635
00:34:53,740 --> 00:34:55,601
and listen to this theater
queer's theater query here
636
00:34:55,625 --> 00:34:57,186
and maybe act like a real artist
for once in your life.
637
00:34:57,210 --> 00:34:59,271
Say Van gogh and,
"lend me your ear."
638
00:34:59,295 --> 00:35:00,296
You're not a writer.
639
00:35:00,797 --> 00:35:02,775
You're a writer like
hulk hogan's a street fighter.
640
00:35:02,799 --> 00:35:05,277
You write these dramas,
you accumulate your wealth,
641
00:35:05,301 --> 00:35:08,280
you hold nature
as t'were mirror of yourself.
642
00:35:08,304 --> 00:35:10,282
Just 'cause you're messed up
doesn't mean we are, too.
643
00:35:10,306 --> 00:35:11,666
Just 'cause you wanna bang
your mom
644
00:35:11,808 --> 00:35:12,785
doesn't mean
that Danish princes do.
645
00:35:12,809 --> 00:35:14,737
What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare.
Yeah, that's right.
646
00:35:14,761 --> 00:35:16,081
The young prince
whose father died
647
00:35:16,312 --> 00:35:17,706
at the hands of his uncle
with whom his mother lied.
648
00:35:17,730 --> 00:35:21,350
Sound familiar?
It's the fucking "lion king"!
649
00:35:24,353 --> 00:35:27,299
You stole from a Disney movie,
you androgynous douche.
650
00:35:27,323 --> 00:35:29,358
What's next,
the story of a French king
651
00:35:29,859 --> 00:35:32,361
on a quest
to find his lost son Nemo?
652
00:35:34,914 --> 00:35:37,976
Oh, and by the way, poetic
talent is really easy to fake
653
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,920
when thy sentences
doth no fucking sense make.
654
00:35:44,841 --> 00:35:47,844
"To be or not to be?"
That is the question.
655
00:35:48,344 --> 00:35:50,823
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer
656
00:35:50,847 --> 00:35:52,825
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,
657
00:35:52,849 --> 00:35:55,244
or to take arms against
a sea of troubles,
658
00:35:55,268 --> 00:35:57,803
and by opposing end them,
to die...
659
00:35:58,187 --> 00:36:00,199
To sleep no more,
and by a sleep,
660
00:36:00,223 --> 00:36:02,775
to say we end the heartache
and the thousand natural shocks
661
00:36:03,276 --> 00:36:05,254
that flesh is heir to.
662
00:36:05,278 --> 00:36:07,256
'Tis a consummation devoutly
to be wish'd.
663
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,759
To die, to sleep,
to sleep, perchance to dream.
664
00:36:10,783 --> 00:36:14,346
Aye, there's the rub,
for in that sleep of death,
665
00:36:14,370 --> 00:36:16,348
what dreams may come
666
00:36:16,372 --> 00:36:18,052
when we have shuffled off
this mortal coil?
667
00:36:18,374 --> 00:36:20,302
Must give US pause.
668
00:36:20,326 --> 00:36:21,827
Like, what?
669
00:36:31,921 --> 00:36:35,400
This next song
is about quantum mechanics.
670
00:36:35,424 --> 00:36:36,425
This next song...
671
00:36:41,097 --> 00:36:43,542
I was raised very well,
you know, like a field of corn.
672
00:36:43,566 --> 00:36:45,494
I was also raised
very Christian,
673
00:36:45,518 --> 00:36:46,995
like the children of the corn.
674
00:36:47,019 --> 00:36:48,579
And christians get angry at me,
they do,
675
00:36:49,021 --> 00:36:50,522
because I say things like,
676
00:36:51,023 --> 00:36:52,524
"why the long nose,
pope-nocchio?"
677
00:36:53,025 --> 00:36:55,504
They think
I'll gonna go to hell.
678
00:36:55,528 --> 00:36:57,005
Truth is,
I've been to Christian hell,
679
00:36:57,029 --> 00:36:58,363
and I wrote a song about it.
680
00:37:00,917 --> 00:37:03,478
♪ Hitler was there,
and so were all the Jews ♪
681
00:37:03,502 --> 00:37:06,505
♪ yeah, so it got
a little awkward ♪
682
00:37:21,220 --> 00:37:23,665
I was surrounded by catholicism
at a young age
683
00:37:23,689 --> 00:37:25,774
and I was also in a garage band
for 20 minutes.
684
00:37:26,275 --> 00:37:28,060
This is the product of that.
Hit it.
685
00:37:48,547 --> 00:37:50,525
♪ All the seats
at the Sunday mass is ♪
686
00:37:50,549 --> 00:37:52,561
♪ filled with the masses'
mass of asses ♪
687
00:37:52,585 --> 00:37:54,646
♪ classes pass as fast
as molasses ♪
688
00:37:54,670 --> 00:37:56,365
♪ ceremonial reading glasses ♪
689
00:37:56,389 --> 00:37:58,700
♪ read a little bit
of leviticus ♪
690
00:37:58,724 --> 00:38:00,702
♪ all the kids are a little
too little for this ♪
691
00:38:00,726 --> 00:38:02,204
♪ all the parents nod
in agreement ♪
692
00:38:02,228 --> 00:38:04,656
♪ "I think I can vaguely
see what he meant" ♪
693
00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:06,124
♪ it's too early
in the morning glory ♪
694
00:38:06,148 --> 00:38:08,126
♪ to read another
allegory story ♪
695
00:38:08,150 --> 00:38:10,045
♪ the father
reads a little bit farther ♪
696
00:38:10,069 --> 00:38:12,414
♪ assuring the assured
that they need not bother ♪
697
00:38:12,438 --> 00:38:14,216
♪ when god, in verse 45 ♪
698
00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:16,218
♪ said that slaves
are okay to buy ♪
699
00:38:16,242 --> 00:38:18,220
♪ he meant that people
all from the start ♪
700
00:38:18,244 --> 00:38:20,589
♪ each have slaves
within their hearts ♪
701
00:38:20,613 --> 00:38:22,093
♪ things that we have sold
or bought ♪
702
00:38:22,498 --> 00:38:24,426
♪ and then are forced to pick
our moral cotton ♪
703
00:38:24,450 --> 00:38:26,395
♪ god calls US
to set these free ♪
704
00:38:26,419 --> 00:38:28,397
♪ free our hearts
from slavery ♪
705
00:38:28,421 --> 00:38:30,399
♪ and then as god goes on
to explain ♪
706
00:38:30,423 --> 00:38:33,769
♪ the logistics of buying
and selling slaves ♪
707
00:38:33,793 --> 00:38:35,153
He was messin' around.
708
00:38:35,177 --> 00:38:39,014
He's... he...
Jesus is sort of like...
709
00:38:41,133 --> 00:38:42,694
♪ In the back,
I sit and I nod ♪
710
00:38:42,718 --> 00:38:44,696
♪ to the beats that
are bumpin' from my iPod ♪
711
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:46,221
♪ my god,
they're starting to pray ♪
712
00:38:46,722 --> 00:38:48,700
♪ and over the music,
I can hear them say ♪
713
00:38:48,724 --> 00:38:50,202
♪ dear god, dear lord ♪
714
00:38:50,226 --> 00:38:52,704
♪ dear vague muscular man
with a beard or a sword ♪
715
00:38:52,728 --> 00:38:54,673
♪ dear good all-seeing being ♪
716
00:38:54,697 --> 00:38:56,625
♪ my way or the highway
yahweh ♪
717
00:38:56,649 --> 00:38:58,150
♪ the blue-balled
anti-masturbator ♪
718
00:38:58,651 --> 00:39:00,512
♪ the great all-loving
faggot hater ♪
719
00:39:00,536 --> 00:39:02,381
♪ I like to thank
your holy might ♪
720
00:39:02,405 --> 00:39:04,407
♪ for making me both rich
and white ♪
721
00:39:04,824 --> 00:39:06,344
♪ and though this is your day
of rest ♪
722
00:39:06,709 --> 00:39:08,186
♪ I come to you
with one request ♪
723
00:39:08,210 --> 00:39:10,212
♪ there's so much pain
beyond this steeple ♪
724
00:39:10,629 --> 00:39:12,474
♪ wars and drugs
and homeless people ♪
725
00:39:12,498 --> 00:39:14,476
♪ sadness
where there should be joy ♪
726
00:39:14,500 --> 00:39:16,478
♪ hate and rape
and soulja boy ♪
727
00:39:16,502 --> 00:39:17,980
♪ a world in darkness
needs your light ♪
728
00:39:18,004 --> 00:39:19,972
♪ so I'm sure your schedule's
pretty tight ♪
729
00:39:20,506 --> 00:39:21,786
But my dog just had leg surgery.
730
00:39:22,258 --> 00:39:24,152
If you could fix that first?
731
00:39:24,176 --> 00:39:27,122
Jesus?
732
00:39:27,146 --> 00:39:30,409
♪ Debra messing's fingers
in a holy place ♪
733
00:39:30,433 --> 00:39:32,435
♪ hail Mary
full of grace ♪
734
00:39:36,355 --> 00:39:38,750
♪ Obama, could you pass
some hope to the pope? ♪
735
00:39:38,774 --> 00:39:40,218
♪ I know a couple dudes
who want to elope ♪
736
00:39:40,242 --> 00:39:42,254
♪ see, the church said nope,
so the bros can't cope ♪
737
00:39:42,278 --> 00:39:44,256
♪ bros can grope,
but the bros can't cope ♪
738
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,591
♪ they've been in love
and they've been addicted ♪
739
00:39:46,615 --> 00:39:48,927
♪ who said they shouldn't?
Benedict did ♪
740
00:39:48,951 --> 00:39:50,312
♪ 'cause in the holy land
of the lord ♪
741
00:39:50,336 --> 00:39:52,764
♪ he's the holy landlord
and dicks are evicted ♪
742
00:39:52,788 --> 00:39:54,316
♪ 'cause you can be a Benedict ♪
743
00:39:54,340 --> 00:39:56,318
♪ if you bend a dick
under Benedict ♪
744
00:39:56,342 --> 00:39:58,353
♪ but you can't
have benedicts ♪
745
00:39:58,377 --> 00:40:00,772
♪ because there's only one pope
with only one dick, what? ♪
746
00:40:00,796 --> 00:40:02,240
♪ Yeah,
a dick on a pope is ♪
747
00:40:02,264 --> 00:40:04,242
♪ just like a soap on rope ♪
748
00:40:04,266 --> 00:40:06,611
♪ 'cause it's pointless
unless in prison ♪
749
00:40:06,635 --> 00:40:08,497
♪ throw up your bibles,
Christ has risen ♪
750
00:40:08,521 --> 00:40:09,948
♪ hallelujah,
now it's raining men ♪
751
00:40:09,972 --> 00:40:12,451
♪ because the gender ratio's
one-to-ten ♪
752
00:40:12,475 --> 00:40:14,026
♪ winos at
the eucharist station ♪
753
00:40:14,527 --> 00:40:16,872
♪ transgendered
substantiation ♪
754
00:40:16,896 --> 00:40:18,697
♪ Jesus wasn't the Messiah,
get back ♪
755
00:40:19,231 --> 00:40:20,208
♪ I'm a heretic,
and I'm on fire ♪
756
00:40:20,232 --> 00:40:22,210
♪ it was oedipus,
those holy knights ♪
757
00:40:22,234 --> 00:40:24,212
♪ the holy mother fuckin'
Christ ♪
758
00:40:24,236 --> 00:40:27,632
♪ I'm a blasphemer post-Katrina
cruisin' the Marina ♪
759
00:40:27,656 --> 00:40:30,552
♪ on a crusade to cruise aids
and blast fema ♪
760
00:40:30,576 --> 00:40:33,472
♪ you're too late, we're fucked,
we don't need you, amen ♪
761
00:40:33,496 --> 00:40:36,475
♪ in the name of the father,
son, and holy ghost ♪
762
00:40:36,499 --> 00:40:38,143
♪ head, shoulders,
knees and toes ♪
763
00:40:38,167 --> 00:40:40,552
♪ turn up your nose,
strike that pose ♪
764
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:42,303
♪ hey macarena ♪
765
00:40:58,437 --> 00:41:00,415
I wanted to be a physicist
when I was younger,
766
00:41:00,439 --> 00:41:01,917
and I also wanted to be
a comedian,
767
00:41:01,941 --> 00:41:03,418
but only one of those
sort of worked out.
768
00:41:03,442 --> 00:41:05,444
I'd like to try to do both,
though now
769
00:41:05,945 --> 00:41:07,889
in a bit that I call
"theoretical dick jokes."
770
00:41:07,913 --> 00:41:09,447
Goes like this.
771
00:41:10,916 --> 00:41:12,894
My penis is so small
I often have trouble finding it
772
00:41:12,918 --> 00:41:14,896
because it's so gratefully
influenced by
773
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:17,399
quantum mechanical fluctuations
in the fabric of space-time.
774
00:41:17,423 --> 00:41:19,401
And when I'm having intercourse
with a woman,
775
00:41:19,425 --> 00:41:21,403
she can only know where my penis
is or how fast it's moving
776
00:41:21,427 --> 00:41:23,405
'cause it's small enough
and light enough to be fully
777
00:41:23,429 --> 00:41:25,349
governed by the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle.
778
00:41:25,381 --> 00:41:26,408
I've got an eating disorder.
779
00:41:26,432 --> 00:41:28,910
Yeah, more like
nutritional entropy.
780
00:41:28,934 --> 00:41:30,412
So...
781
00:41:30,436 --> 00:41:33,439
Never said I was funny, okay?
So stop staring at me.
782
00:41:35,808 --> 00:41:37,285
Segues are weird.
783
00:41:37,309 --> 00:41:40,288
How old is too old
to stop believing in, like,
784
00:41:40,312 --> 00:41:42,257
the tooth fairy, like, 12?
785
00:41:42,281 --> 00:41:46,178
I have a cousin who is 18, yeah.
786
00:41:46,202 --> 00:41:48,096
Still believes in gay marriage.
787
00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:50,205
It's like...
788
00:41:52,791 --> 00:41:54,302
I know what you guys
are thinking...
789
00:41:54,326 --> 00:41:56,805
"oh, Bo, you tackle
such taboo subjects.
790
00:41:56,829 --> 00:41:58,807
You know,
"is there anything off-limits,
791
00:41:58,831 --> 00:42:00,632
"anything you don't find funny,
792
00:42:00,799 --> 00:42:02,884
anything you think
is too sacred to laugh at?"
793
00:42:03,385 --> 00:42:05,887
And the truth is, there is.
794
00:42:07,890 --> 00:42:08,891
White people.
795
00:42:15,314 --> 00:42:17,316
I think we've been
through enough.
796
00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:24,189
I find numbers to be fascinating
797
00:42:24,523 --> 00:42:26,334
and more specifically
than numbers, I find statistics
798
00:42:26,358 --> 00:42:28,837
to be particularly enlightening,
thought-provoking even.
799
00:42:28,861 --> 00:42:30,839
I've gathered some here.
These are all 100% true.
800
00:42:30,863 --> 00:42:33,303
When you leave this theater and
enter the world devoid of art,
801
00:42:33,499 --> 00:42:34,976
you can check these,
and they will come back
802
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,001
'cause they are true.
803
00:42:36,502 --> 00:42:38,480
I don't want them
to blow your mind,
804
00:42:38,504 --> 00:42:40,482
but maybe you'll hear
one of these and go,
805
00:42:40,506 --> 00:42:41,983
"oh, my god,
never thought of that."
806
00:42:42,007 --> 00:42:44,509
So these are my statistics.
807
00:42:46,595 --> 00:42:49,097
Approximately 33.33%
808
00:42:49,598 --> 00:42:51,600
of the Jonas brothers
have diabetes.
809
00:42:57,806 --> 00:43:00,285
One out of every four kids
with the initials a.D.D.
810
00:43:00,309 --> 00:43:02,311
Actually has it,
and four out of four kids
811
00:43:02,811 --> 00:43:04,531
with the initials a.D.H.D.
Have an annoying,
812
00:43:04,813 --> 00:43:06,791
self-righteous mother who
wouldn't just shut the fuck up
813
00:43:06,815 --> 00:43:08,399
and take her husband's
last name.
814
00:43:13,739 --> 00:43:15,517
Here's a fun one.
815
00:43:15,541 --> 00:43:19,044
One of the every 44
u.S. Presidents can dunk.
816
00:43:23,632 --> 00:43:26,134
It's Millard Fillmore,
you racists.
817
00:43:28,387 --> 00:43:32,891
The average child of Sarah Palin
has 46.2 chromosomes.
818
00:43:34,393 --> 00:43:36,154
It's a fact!
819
00:43:36,178 --> 00:43:38,180
I'm not making light of it.
It's numbers.
820
00:43:40,182 --> 00:43:42,661
All right, you guys are offended
by that one,
821
00:43:42,685 --> 00:43:44,663
you're definitely gonna be
offended by the next one.
822
00:43:44,687 --> 00:43:46,965
But you have to understand
something...
823
00:43:46,989 --> 00:43:49,551
I am, too.
824
00:43:49,575 --> 00:43:52,027
I think this is fucked up.
825
00:43:54,079 --> 00:43:57,559
.27% of all jenga games
are played on 9/11.
826
00:43:57,583 --> 00:43:59,344
Now...
827
00:43:59,368 --> 00:44:01,048
It's fucked up!
Stop playing jenga on 9/11.
828
00:44:01,453 --> 00:44:03,431
Stop it. Stop it.
829
00:44:03,455 --> 00:44:06,958
Stop playing jenga...
830
00:44:08,961 --> 00:44:10,939
That was awkward.
831
00:44:10,963 --> 00:44:14,442
This next one blew my mind.
Blew my mind.
832
00:44:14,466 --> 00:44:16,745
And you're not gonna
believe this when you hear it.
833
00:44:16,769 --> 00:44:19,247
But go home, check it.
I swear to god it's true.
834
00:44:19,271 --> 00:44:22,250
The average person...
835
00:44:22,274 --> 00:44:24,776
Has one fallopian tube.
836
00:44:33,535 --> 00:44:35,513
The average penis length
is 5 1/2 inches.
837
00:44:35,537 --> 00:44:37,515
And finally, the average
penis length of a man
838
00:44:37,539 --> 00:44:40,018
who googles "average
penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.
839
00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:41,326
Thank you.
840
00:44:47,716 --> 00:44:49,277
Yeah, Bo!
841
00:44:49,301 --> 00:44:50,302
Yeah, Bo!
842
00:44:52,971 --> 00:44:55,056
Yeah.
843
00:44:55,557 --> 00:44:57,035
Thank you.
844
00:44:57,059 --> 00:45:00,538
I went to the movies the other
day because I went to see
845
00:45:00,562 --> 00:45:03,565
the 20th anniversary
of "schindler's list" in 3-d.
846
00:45:05,567 --> 00:45:08,570
And I went into the girls'
bathroom to look for my camera.
847
00:45:10,072 --> 00:45:15,053
And I saw a container that
said "sanitary napkins only."
848
00:45:15,077 --> 00:45:16,495
Ladies...
849
00:45:18,997 --> 00:45:20,975
Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!
850
00:45:20,999 --> 00:45:23,001
That's a joke!
851
00:45:50,312 --> 00:45:52,697
This song...
852
00:45:52,948 --> 00:45:56,117
This song isn't funny at all,
but it helps me sleep at night.
853
00:46:07,996 --> 00:46:11,059
♪ Art is dead ♪
854
00:46:11,083 --> 00:46:13,969
♪ art is dead ♪
855
00:46:14,253 --> 00:46:16,815
♪ art is dead ♪
856
00:46:16,839 --> 00:46:19,317
♪ art is dead ♪
857
00:46:19,341 --> 00:46:23,321
♪ entertainers
like to seem complicated ♪
858
00:46:23,345 --> 00:46:25,657
♪ but we're not complicated ♪
859
00:46:25,681 --> 00:46:28,960
♪ I can explain it
pretty easily ♪
860
00:46:28,984 --> 00:46:32,464
♪ have you ever been to
a birthday party for children ♪
861
00:46:32,488 --> 00:46:35,467
♪ and one of the children
won't stop screaming ♪
862
00:46:35,491 --> 00:46:38,336
♪ 'cause he's just a little
attention-attractor ♪
863
00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:40,945
♪ when he grows up
to be a comic or actor ♪
864
00:46:41,447 --> 00:46:44,225
♪ he'll be rewarded
for never maturing ♪
865
00:46:44,249 --> 00:46:46,501
♪ for never understanding
or learning ♪
866
00:46:47,002 --> 00:46:49,397
♪ that every day
can't be about him ♪
867
00:46:49,421 --> 00:46:52,434
♪ there's other people,
you selfish asshole ♪
868
00:46:52,458 --> 00:46:54,927
♪ I must be psychotic,
I must be demented ♪
869
00:46:55,427 --> 00:46:57,906
♪ to think that I'm worthy
of all this attention ♪
870
00:46:57,930 --> 00:47:00,909
♪ of all of this money
you worked really hard for ♪
871
00:47:00,933 --> 00:47:03,828
♪ I slept in late while
you worked at the drugstore ♪
872
00:47:03,852 --> 00:47:06,781
♪ my drug's attention,
I am an addict ♪
873
00:47:06,805 --> 00:47:09,307
♪ but I get paid
to indulge in my habit ♪
874
00:47:09,775 --> 00:47:12,537
♪ it's all an illusion,
I'm wearing make-up ♪
875
00:47:12,561 --> 00:47:16,591
♪ I'm wearing make-up,
make-up, make-up, make-up ♪
876
00:47:16,615 --> 00:47:18,176
♪ art is dead ♪
877
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,677
♪ so people
think you're funny ♪
878
00:47:19,701 --> 00:47:21,619
♪ how do we get
those people's money? ♪
879
00:47:21,904 --> 00:47:23,965
♪ I said art is dead ♪
880
00:47:23,989 --> 00:47:27,969
♪ we're rolling in dough while
carlin rolls in his grave ♪
881
00:47:27,993 --> 00:47:29,471
♪ his grave ♪
882
00:47:29,495 --> 00:47:31,964
♪ his grave ♪
883
00:47:32,297 --> 00:47:34,882
♪ I said the show has got
a budget ♪
884
00:47:35,384 --> 00:47:37,862
♪ the show has got a budget ♪
885
00:47:37,886 --> 00:47:40,365
♪ and all the poor people
way more deserving ♪
886
00:47:40,389 --> 00:47:43,318
♪ of the money
won't budge it ♪
887
00:47:43,342 --> 00:47:45,787
♪ 'cause I wanted
my name in lights ♪
888
00:47:45,811 --> 00:47:48,790
♪ when I could have fed
a family of four ♪
889
00:47:48,814 --> 00:47:51,793
♪ for 40 fucking fortnights ♪
890
00:47:51,817 --> 00:47:53,768
♪ 40 fucking fortnights ♪
891
00:47:54,152 --> 00:47:56,548
♪ I am an artist,
please, god, forgive me ♪
892
00:47:56,572 --> 00:47:59,024
♪ I am an artist,
please, don't revere me ♪
893
00:47:59,408 --> 00:48:01,970
♪ I am an artist,
please, don't respect me ♪
894
00:48:01,994 --> 00:48:04,472
♪ I am an artist,
feel free to correct me ♪
895
00:48:04,496 --> 00:48:07,165
♪ a self-centered artist,
self-obsessed artist ♪
896
00:48:07,533 --> 00:48:10,395
♪ I am an artist,
I am an artist ♪
897
00:48:10,419 --> 00:48:12,370
♪ but I'm just a kid,
I'm just a kid ♪
898
00:48:12,921 --> 00:48:16,674
♪ I'm just a kid, kid,
and maybe I'll grow out of it ♪
899
00:48:25,551 --> 00:48:28,079
Old comics...
Older comics from, like,
900
00:48:28,103 --> 00:48:31,366
the '80s and the '70s,
they think that my act is hacky
901
00:48:31,390 --> 00:48:33,110
because it relies
on music and other things,
902
00:48:33,475 --> 00:48:34,953
and they're such comedy purists,
903
00:48:34,977 --> 00:48:37,479
and they don't think my comedy
can stand on its own,
904
00:48:37,980 --> 00:48:39,924
which isn't true because, right,
905
00:48:39,948 --> 00:48:41,482
I am a comedy purist at heart,
906
00:48:41,984 --> 00:48:43,584
and I can do comedy
without the gimmicks.
907
00:48:43,986 --> 00:48:46,321
And it can still be good.
I'll show you that right now.
908
00:48:46,572 --> 00:48:49,658
What do you call a kid
with no arms and an eye patch?
909
00:48:50,158 --> 00:48:51,959
Names.
910
00:49:05,390 --> 00:49:09,370
I'm not a traditional stand-up,
um, but I'd like to be.
911
00:49:09,394 --> 00:49:11,322
I love traditional
stand-up comedy,
912
00:49:11,346 --> 00:49:14,375
and a lot of my heroes
are traditional stand-up comics,
913
00:49:14,399 --> 00:49:15,877
and I've been watching
a lot of it,
914
00:49:15,901 --> 00:49:18,830
and I think I've sort of
figured out the trick to it.
915
00:49:18,854 --> 00:49:21,382
So I'll give you my traditional
stand-up act now.
916
00:49:21,406 --> 00:49:24,385
It's in its infancy
so please be gentle.
917
00:49:24,409 --> 00:49:26,888
Uh...
918
00:49:26,912 --> 00:49:28,914
My wife, right?
919
00:49:32,918 --> 00:49:35,396
We never have sex, like, ever,
which is funny.
920
00:49:35,420 --> 00:49:37,398
Something else is I never know
what she's saying.
921
00:49:37,422 --> 00:49:40,685
You know, she'll say something,
and I'll be, like...
922
00:49:40,709 --> 00:49:43,655
Something else is, she's, like,
constantly emasculating me,
923
00:49:43,679 --> 00:49:45,657
and I'm making her resent
herself for getting older,
924
00:49:45,681 --> 00:49:48,276
so we're looking into a divorce,
which is funny.
925
00:49:48,300 --> 00:49:50,361
Something else
is she can't drive.
926
00:49:50,385 --> 00:49:52,353
The only thing she can drive
is drive me crazy!
927
00:49:52,888 --> 00:49:54,488
You know, when she back-talks,
I hit her.
928
00:50:01,530 --> 00:50:03,031
I hope you all enjoyed the show.
929
00:50:03,532 --> 00:50:07,879
Thank you so much for coming,
and if you didn't, you know...
930
00:50:07,903 --> 00:50:11,265
When life gets you down...
931
00:50:11,289 --> 00:50:12,790
Make a comforter.
932
00:50:21,333 --> 00:50:24,112
I feel like hip-hop...
933
00:50:24,136 --> 00:50:28,399
Used to be a voice
for the voiceless, you know?
934
00:50:28,423 --> 00:50:30,368
And now it's become,
at least in the mainstream,
935
00:50:30,392 --> 00:50:34,396
a symbol of misogyny...
936
00:50:36,898 --> 00:50:38,399
Gay panic...
937
00:50:40,402 --> 00:50:43,381
Fiscal irresponsibility,
you know?
938
00:50:43,405 --> 00:50:46,834
So I figure...
939
00:50:46,858 --> 00:50:48,409
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
940
00:50:48,910 --> 00:50:50,471
♪ Hittin' the club up
v.I.P. ♪
941
00:50:50,495 --> 00:50:51,973
♪ I've got a fake mustache
and a fake I.D. ♪
942
00:50:51,997 --> 00:50:54,976
♪ I look like wooly Willy
with a really wooly Willy ♪
943
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:56,368
♪ and I bypass the bouncer ♪
944
00:50:56,785 --> 00:50:58,846
♪ pass by an ex, and I flex
and bounce her, wowser ♪
945
00:50:58,870 --> 00:51:00,348
♪ look at all of Bo's hoes ♪
946
00:51:00,372 --> 00:51:01,849
♪ looking for a ride
on Bo's hose ♪
947
00:51:01,873 --> 00:51:03,374
♪ and I spot a little latino ♪
948
00:51:03,875 --> 00:51:05,353
♪ Booty so big,
call it Oprah's ego ♪
949
00:51:05,377 --> 00:51:06,604
♪ we go do it through it ♪
950
00:51:06,628 --> 00:51:09,157
♪ she says,
"dios mio, mi amigo" ♪
951
00:51:09,181 --> 00:51:11,693
♪ when we were done, she said,
"heh, imma aya" ♪
952
00:51:11,717 --> 00:51:15,187
♪ swallow, bitch, there's people
starvin' in Africa ♪
953
00:51:21,443 --> 00:51:22,527
♪ Single every single day ♪
954
00:51:23,028 --> 00:51:24,505
♪ do it every single way ♪
955
00:51:24,529 --> 00:51:26,007
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
956
00:51:26,031 --> 00:51:27,816
♪ oh, Bo ♪
957
00:51:27,983 --> 00:51:30,545
♪ and if I were gay,
though I swear I'm straight ♪
958
00:51:30,569 --> 00:51:32,046
♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪
959
00:51:32,070 --> 00:51:33,765
♪ oh, Bo ♪
960
00:51:33,789 --> 00:51:35,349
♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪
961
00:51:35,373 --> 00:51:37,375
♪ oh, Bo ♪
962
00:51:39,377 --> 00:51:40,938
♪ you're an ice cream sundae
with a cherry on top ♪
963
00:51:40,962 --> 00:51:42,724
♪ but careful, cherry,
'cause I'm the king of pop ♪
964
00:51:42,748 --> 00:51:44,058
♪ pop,
pop goes the weasel ♪
965
00:51:44,082 --> 00:51:45,560
♪ have you lookin' like
Jackson pollack's easel ♪
966
00:51:45,584 --> 00:51:47,228
♪ yeah, my suggestion is ♪
967
00:51:47,252 --> 00:51:49,230
♪ you don't blow till you know
what congestion is ♪
968
00:51:49,254 --> 00:51:50,732
♪ swallow when you know
what digestion is ♪
969
00:51:50,756 --> 00:51:52,734
♪ follow Bo,
the only question is ♪
970
00:51:52,758 --> 00:51:54,068
♪ have you been splattered
before ♪
971
00:51:54,092 --> 00:51:55,369
♪ by the mad hatter matador ♪
972
00:51:55,393 --> 00:51:57,371
♪ cake batter nevermore ♪
973
00:51:57,395 --> 00:51:58,763
♪ it don't matter
whether you're ♪
974
00:51:59,097 --> 00:52:01,659
♪ Spanish, French, Swedish,
or Cambodian ♪
975
00:52:01,683 --> 00:52:05,186
♪ I'll slime you so hard
you could be on nickelodeon ♪
976
00:52:08,106 --> 00:52:09,417
♪ single every single day ♪
977
00:52:09,441 --> 00:52:10,918
♪ do it every single way ♪
978
00:52:10,942 --> 00:52:12,920
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
979
00:52:12,944 --> 00:52:14,005
♪ oh, Bo ♪
980
00:52:14,029 --> 00:52:16,007
♪ and if I were gay ♪
981
00:52:16,031 --> 00:52:17,271
♪ though I swear I'm straight ♪
982
00:52:17,532 --> 00:52:18,833
♪ I'd make the fellas say ♪
983
00:52:24,790 --> 00:52:27,292
♪ Oh, Bo,
I said, oh, Bo ♪
984
00:52:27,793 --> 00:52:30,438
♪ I said, oh, Bo ♪
985
00:52:30,462 --> 00:52:32,046
♪ you think
that you can handle me ♪
986
00:52:32,631 --> 00:52:34,108
♪ girl,
don't make me laugh ♪
987
00:52:34,132 --> 00:52:36,611
♪ my junk is bipolar,
it'll split you in half ♪
988
00:52:36,635 --> 00:52:38,613
♪ I said,
and if you're lucky ♪
989
00:52:38,637 --> 00:52:40,865
♪ I might just bring you home,
and I'll have you going down ♪
990
00:52:40,889 --> 00:52:42,867
♪ like you're growing
an extra chromosome ♪
991
00:52:42,891 --> 00:52:45,036
♪ and when you love me,
don't grab me by my buns ♪
992
00:52:45,060 --> 00:52:49,540
♪ 'cause I got a bad case
of the ru-u-ns ♪
993
00:52:49,564 --> 00:52:50,865
♪ I got the runs ♪
994
00:52:51,066 --> 00:52:53,678
♪ I got the ru-uh-uh-
oh, oh ♪
995
00:52:53,702 --> 00:52:55,263
♪ single every single day ♪
996
00:52:55,287 --> 00:52:56,738
♪ do it every single way ♪
997
00:52:57,038 --> 00:52:58,299
♪ make the single ladies say ♪
998
00:52:58,323 --> 00:52:59,801
♪ oh, Bo ♪
999
00:52:59,825 --> 00:53:01,769
♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪
1000
00:53:01,793 --> 00:53:03,661
♪ yeah, and if I were ♪
1001
00:53:05,497 --> 00:53:09,944
Like to break it down for y'all.
1002
00:53:09,968 --> 00:53:12,053
I came from the streets
with nothing.
1003
00:53:14,556 --> 00:53:17,058
Now I'm making hit records.
1004
00:53:17,509 --> 00:53:20,037
For my people still living
in the streets,
1005
00:53:20,061 --> 00:53:21,539
still living in poverty,
1006
00:53:21,563 --> 00:53:24,876
I wanna tell you,
I'm doing this for you.
1007
00:53:24,900 --> 00:53:27,712
My success...
1008
00:53:27,736 --> 00:53:29,580
Is your success.
1009
00:53:29,604 --> 00:53:31,885
And you may be thinking, "hey,
if you really believe that,
1010
00:53:31,990 --> 00:53:33,467
"why don't you use
some of your money
1011
00:53:33,491 --> 00:53:35,469
"to help
rebuild the neighborhood
1012
00:53:35,493 --> 00:53:38,279
instead of putting spinning rims
on a gold jetski?"
1013
00:53:41,082 --> 00:53:43,584
And to that I say...
1014
00:53:46,588 --> 00:53:48,065
Uh-oh, chorus is coming up.
1015
00:53:48,089 --> 00:53:49,567
♪ Single every single day ♪
1016
00:53:49,591 --> 00:53:50,631
♪ do it every single way ♪
1017
00:53:51,092 --> 00:53:52,570
♪ make those single ladies say ♪
1018
00:53:52,594 --> 00:53:54,071
♪ oh, Bo ♪
1019
00:53:54,095 --> 00:53:56,073
♪ and if I were,
oh, so that I were ♪
1020
00:53:56,097 --> 00:53:58,576
♪ yeah, and if I were ♪
1021
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:00,661
♪ you got a fume like a tuna ♪
1022
00:54:00,685 --> 00:54:02,163
♪ I'll smell you later ♪
1023
00:54:02,187 --> 00:54:05,533
♪ I met a fat chick and I
fucked her in an elevator ♪
1024
00:54:05,557 --> 00:54:07,976
♪ it was wrong
on so many levels ♪
1025
00:54:09,978 --> 00:54:13,090
♪ 'cause I said it was wrong
on so many levels ♪
1026
00:54:13,114 --> 00:54:15,149
♪ I said it was wrong on ♪
1027
00:54:53,571 --> 00:54:55,606
Oh...
1028
00:55:02,030 --> 00:55:03,030
Okay.
1029
00:55:12,340 --> 00:55:14,852
♪ I don't know
if all boy scouts are gay ♪
1030
00:55:14,876 --> 00:55:16,377
♪ they could probably
tie the knot ♪
1031
00:55:16,878 --> 00:55:18,856
♪ in like fifty different... ♪
I'm dying inside!
1032
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:20,858
♪ I got a safe full of cherries
'cause I pop it and lock it ♪
1033
00:55:20,882 --> 00:55:22,860
♪ a girl's like a fridge, once
a week you should stalk it ♪
1034
00:55:22,884 --> 00:55:24,495
♪ if your into rimmin, it's only
safe if your swimmin' ♪
1035
00:55:24,519 --> 00:55:25,997
♪ girl,
don't sit on that couch ♪
1036
00:55:26,021 --> 00:55:27,331
♪ 'cause I treat my objects
like women ♪
1037
00:55:27,355 --> 00:55:29,200
♪ I spit fire
like I just blew a demon ♪
1038
00:55:29,224 --> 00:55:31,202
♪ my shit's so hot I'll leave
your toilet bowl steamin' ♪
1039
00:55:31,226 --> 00:55:33,204
♪ I'm gonna tear it
like the cards of the gypsies ♪
1040
00:55:33,228 --> 00:55:35,456
♪ you'll bleed for so long
you'll get monthly ellipses ♪
1041
00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:37,425
♪ if your pants are loose,
I'll replete ya ♪
1042
00:55:37,449 --> 00:55:39,427
♪ you're a first time vegan,
and it's nice to meet ya ♪
1043
00:55:39,451 --> 00:55:41,345
♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1044
00:55:41,369 --> 00:55:42,847
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1045
00:55:42,871 --> 00:55:44,348
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1046
00:55:44,372 --> 00:55:46,123
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1047
00:55:46,658 --> 00:55:48,636
♪ I'm a real g that can really
find your g spot ♪
1048
00:55:48,660 --> 00:55:52,714
♪ oh, yeah,
you're not a fucking metronome ♪
1049
00:55:54,883 --> 00:55:57,478
Yeah.
1050
00:55:57,502 --> 00:56:00,564
♪ Go to a vagina orchard,
count 1, 2, 3 ♪
1051
00:56:00,588 --> 00:56:02,566
♪ spin that plant around,
you got a third world country ♪
1052
00:56:02,590 --> 00:56:04,068
♪ no, that's right,
consider yourself warned ♪
1053
00:56:04,092 --> 00:56:05,569
♪ I'm offensive and creative
like handicapped porn ♪
1054
00:56:05,593 --> 00:56:07,071
♪ you're playing
with your breasts ♪
1055
00:56:07,095 --> 00:56:08,539
♪ excuse me,
can I try it ma'am? ♪
1056
00:56:08,563 --> 00:56:10,723
♪ Your pushin' 'em together
like a titty venn diagram ♪
1057
00:56:10,932 --> 00:56:12,743
♪ look at that crack,
excuse me can I buy a gram? ♪
1058
00:56:12,767 --> 00:56:14,745
♪ Right below your diaphragm,
ass looks like your hidin' ham ♪
1059
00:56:14,769 --> 00:56:15,969
♪ first base,
were making out ♪
1060
00:56:16,354 --> 00:56:18,332
♪ mother fucker, second base,
I'm getting faked out, yo ♪
1061
00:56:18,356 --> 00:56:20,301
♪ third base,
I'm getting take-out ♪
1062
00:56:20,325 --> 00:56:22,336
♪ and I try to take it home
if I knew I'd take it out ♪
1063
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,412
♪ but I just don't know
I said I just don't care ♪
1064
00:56:24,996 --> 00:56:26,974
♪ my flow's so cold I need
a tampon from a polar bear ♪
1065
00:56:26,998 --> 00:56:29,176
♪ and you can spell
and smell my stink ♪
1066
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:30,678
♪ 'cause b.O. Lingers
and it makes you think ♪
1067
00:56:30,702 --> 00:56:32,763
♪ I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1068
00:56:32,787 --> 00:56:34,265
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1069
00:56:34,289 --> 00:56:35,766
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1070
00:56:35,790 --> 00:56:37,268
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1071
00:56:37,292 --> 00:56:38,960
I'm bad at sex.
Get it?
1072
00:56:43,381 --> 00:56:44,909
Yeah, what?
1073
00:56:44,933 --> 00:56:47,214
♪ 'Cause girls are like donuts
when I be bustin' Bo nuts ♪
1074
00:56:47,469 --> 00:56:49,447
♪ I can make 'em cream-filled
or give them a layer of glaze ♪
1075
00:56:49,471 --> 00:56:51,365
♪ I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter
whenever I meet her ♪
1076
00:56:51,389 --> 00:56:52,589
♪ 'cause I skeet her so hard ♪
1077
00:56:52,690 --> 00:56:54,201
♪ people call her Patty
mayonnaise ♪
1078
00:56:54,225 --> 00:56:56,370
Yeah, that's sad.
1079
00:56:56,394 --> 00:56:58,956
♪ Yeah, what, uh ♪
1080
00:56:58,980 --> 00:57:01,459
♪ yeah, 'cause there's
an inverse relationship ♪
1081
00:57:01,483 --> 00:57:02,960
♪ between respect and sects ♪
1082
00:57:02,984 --> 00:57:04,462
♪ I'm talking about religious
sects like a mormon sect ♪
1083
00:57:04,486 --> 00:57:05,629
♪ that says you can't have sex ♪
1084
00:57:05,653 --> 00:57:07,181
♪ with members
of different sects ♪
1085
00:57:07,205 --> 00:57:09,183
♪ but you can't have sex
with members of the same sex ♪
1086
00:57:09,207 --> 00:57:10,718
♪ the sects can't be different,
sex can't be same ♪
1087
00:57:10,742 --> 00:57:13,220
♪ the only sex left
is some left-hand shame ♪
1088
00:57:13,244 --> 00:57:14,855
♪ girl, I left you
'cause you left the game ♪
1089
00:57:14,879 --> 00:57:16,690
♪ and if that don't feel right
then you can write my name ♪
1090
00:57:16,714 --> 00:57:18,609
♪ 'cause I'm Bo, yo,
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1091
00:57:18,633 --> 00:57:20,611
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1092
00:57:20,635 --> 00:57:22,063
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1093
00:57:22,087 --> 00:57:23,114
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1094
00:57:23,138 --> 00:57:25,924
♪ oh, gee ♪
1095
00:57:31,262 --> 00:57:32,823
♪ My junks so long
that it hangs and swings ♪
1096
00:57:32,847 --> 00:57:35,247
♪ at the nude beach people think
I'm lookin' for lost rings ♪
1097
00:57:35,316 --> 00:57:37,461
♪ play the skin flute,
your big boy sings ♪
1098
00:57:37,485 --> 00:57:39,463
If you want to take it all
wear African neck rings.
1099
00:57:39,487 --> 00:57:42,273
'Cause, like, man.
1100
00:57:42,524 --> 00:57:44,085
♪ Haters call me gay,
but that ain't hatin' ♪
1101
00:57:44,109 --> 00:57:46,087
♪ 'cause I'm not homophobic,
my morals are straight ♪
1102
00:57:46,111 --> 00:57:48,055
♪ and if I'm in the closet
then you are below me ♪
1103
00:57:48,079 --> 00:57:50,057
♪ takin' the b-a-t
out of "basement," homey ♪
1104
00:57:50,081 --> 00:57:51,976
Spells "semen."
1105
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,011
♪ 'Cause I'm Bo, yo, and
I'm the greatest rappa Eva ♪
1106
00:57:54,035 --> 00:57:55,980
♪ and I'll weather your weather
whether you think I'm clever ♪
1107
00:57:56,004 --> 00:57:57,014
♪ or not, think you're better,
you're not ♪
1108
00:57:57,038 --> 00:57:58,516
♪ don't need a sweater,
I'm hot ♪
1109
00:57:58,540 --> 00:58:01,152
This song's gonna end
really awkwardly.
1110
00:58:01,176 --> 00:58:02,961
Thank you.
I'll do one...
1111
00:58:03,545 --> 00:58:04,905
Thank you guys
so much for coming.
1112
00:58:04,929 --> 00:58:07,007
I hope you have a great night,
and you're the best.
1113
00:58:07,031 --> 00:58:09,660
See you, Boston!
Whoa, Boston!
1114
00:58:09,684 --> 00:58:11,185
Red Sox.
1115
00:58:15,690 --> 00:58:17,608
Go, mo Vaughn.
1116
00:58:20,528 --> 00:58:23,507
♪ I love you
like kings love queens ♪
1117
00:58:23,531 --> 00:58:27,711
♪ like a gay geneticist
loves designer genes ♪
1118
00:58:27,735 --> 00:58:29,713
♪ I need you like New Orleans
needs a drought ♪
1119
00:58:29,737 --> 00:58:32,516
♪ like Hitler's father
needed to learn to pull out ♪
1120
00:58:32,540 --> 00:58:33,801
♪ and I want you, yeah ♪
1121
00:58:33,825 --> 00:58:36,804
♪ like a lawyer/mathematician
wants some kind of proof ♪
1122
00:58:36,828 --> 00:58:38,639
♪ and I want you, yeah ♪
1123
00:58:38,663 --> 00:58:41,025
♪ like jfk wanted ♪
1124
00:58:41,049 --> 00:58:42,550
♪ a car with a roof ♪
1125
00:58:44,836 --> 00:58:47,815
Is he here?
1126
00:58:47,839 --> 00:58:50,401
♪ Because love
is taking a dive ♪
1127
00:58:50,425 --> 00:58:51,902
♪ then getting
really comfortable ♪
1128
00:58:51,926 --> 00:58:53,260
♪ and peeing in the pool ♪
1129
00:58:53,511 --> 00:58:55,072
♪ and love is
a real-life porn ♪
1130
00:58:55,096 --> 00:58:57,458
♪ minus all the stuff
that makes porn cool ♪
1131
00:58:57,482 --> 00:58:59,326
♪ and love is a homeless guy ♪
1132
00:58:59,350 --> 00:59:01,295
♪ searching for treasure
in the middle of the rain ♪
1133
00:59:01,319 --> 00:59:03,831
♪ and finding
a bag of gold coins ♪
1134
00:59:03,855 --> 00:59:06,333
♪ and slowly finding out they're
all filled with chocolate ♪
1135
00:59:06,357 --> 00:59:08,335
♪ and even though
he's heartbroken ♪
1136
00:59:08,359 --> 00:59:10,778
♪ he can't complain 'cause he
was hungry in the first place ♪
1137
00:59:14,782 --> 00:59:16,760
♪ I love you
like dora loves maps ♪
1138
00:59:16,784 --> 00:59:19,647
♪ like the pope's toilet loves
holy craps ♪
1139
00:59:19,671 --> 00:59:21,732
♪ I need you
like a voyeur needs a branch ♪
1140
00:59:21,756 --> 00:59:23,234
♪ like boys tossing salad ♪
1141
00:59:23,258 --> 00:59:25,236
♪ needs a little bit
of neverland ranch ♪
1142
00:59:25,260 --> 00:59:27,045
I wrote it before!
I'm fine.
1143
00:59:27,212 --> 00:59:28,772
♪ And I want you, yeah ♪
1144
00:59:28,796 --> 00:59:30,274
♪ like all the gothic kids
that look exactly the same ♪
1145
00:59:30,298 --> 00:59:32,276
♪ never want to conform,
what? ♪
1146
00:59:32,300 --> 00:59:35,970
♪ And I want you
like Anne frank wanted ♪
1147
00:59:36,437 --> 00:59:38,472
Nobody to read
her fucking diary.
1148
00:59:38,973 --> 00:59:40,868
♪ 'Cause a diary's a collection
of secret things ♪
1149
00:59:40,892 --> 00:59:42,453
♪ no one's supposed to read ♪
1150
00:59:42,477 --> 00:59:43,454
♪ that's the whole point
of a diary ♪
1151
00:59:43,478 --> 00:59:44,955
♪ millions of people
have breached ♪
1152
00:59:44,979 --> 00:59:46,957
♪ this little girl's privacy
after she was chased by Nazis ♪
1153
00:59:46,981 --> 00:59:48,926
♪ kick her while she's down ♪
1154
00:59:48,950 --> 00:59:51,462
♪ and if we met
in 10,000 bc ♪
1155
00:59:51,486 --> 00:59:54,372
♪ I was your caveman,
you was my cavelady ♪
1156
00:59:56,491 --> 00:59:58,052
♪ if we got hot,
we'd start a-rubbing ♪
1157
00:59:58,076 --> 01:00:00,054
♪ if we got hungry,
we'd go clubbing ♪
1158
01:00:00,078 --> 01:00:02,306
♪ there's woolly mammoths,
but I will protect US ♪
1159
01:00:02,330 --> 01:00:04,332
♪ you're making me devolve
to a homo erectus ♪
1160
01:00:04,799 --> 01:00:05,776
Yeah, hominid tree.
1161
01:00:05,800 --> 01:00:07,394
♪ And if we met in 1780 ♪
1162
01:00:07,418 --> 01:00:09,947
♪ I was a white southern
aristocratic plantation owner ♪
1163
01:00:09,971 --> 01:00:14,285
♪ and you were my dark-skinned
servant lady slave ♪
1164
01:00:14,309 --> 01:00:16,787
♪ whenever I could get away
from the missus ♪
1165
01:00:16,811 --> 01:00:19,240
♪ I'd go to your shed,
and then I'd steal you kisses ♪
1166
01:00:19,264 --> 01:00:20,407
♪ but let's be serious ♪
1167
01:00:20,431 --> 01:00:21,909
♪ I'd still work you
full-time as a slave ♪
1168
01:00:21,933 --> 01:00:23,911
♪ there's a difference
between romantic language ♪
1169
01:00:23,935 --> 01:00:26,914
♪ and complete disregard
for socio-economic trends ♪
1170
01:00:26,938 --> 01:00:30,000
♪ so if we met in 1941 ♪
1171
01:00:30,024 --> 01:00:32,503
♪ I was a Nazi,
you's a gypsy on the run ♪
1172
01:00:32,527 --> 01:00:33,804
♪ that's a little redundant ♪
1173
01:00:33,828 --> 01:00:34,912
♪ that ♪
1174
01:00:38,866 --> 01:00:40,894
♪ probably wouldn't
have worked out, okay ♪
1175
01:00:40,918 --> 01:00:43,931
♪ yeah, because love
is your favorite food ♪
1176
01:00:43,955 --> 01:00:46,400
♪ for every breakfast,
lunch, and dinner ♪
1177
01:00:46,424 --> 01:00:49,436
♪ and love is the holocaust
if you don't die quick ♪
1178
01:00:49,460 --> 01:00:50,904
♪ and you don't get thinner ♪
1179
01:00:50,928 --> 01:00:53,013
♪ and love is being
the owner of the company ♪
1180
01:00:53,514 --> 01:00:56,076
♪ that makes rape whistles,
and even though ♪
1181
01:00:56,100 --> 01:00:57,578
♪ you started the company
with good intentions ♪
1182
01:00:57,602 --> 01:00:59,079
♪ trying to reduce the rate
of rape ♪
1183
01:00:59,103 --> 01:01:00,531
♪ now you don't want
to reduce it at all ♪
1184
01:01:00,555 --> 01:01:02,082
♪ 'cause if the rape rate
declines, ♪
1185
01:01:02,106 --> 01:01:04,451
♪ you'll see an equal decline
in whistle sales ♪
1186
01:01:04,475 --> 01:01:10,791
♪ yeah, without a rapist
who's gonna buy your whistle? ♪
1187
01:01:10,815 --> 01:01:14,618
♪ Because love is ♪
1188
01:01:14,902 --> 01:01:16,653
♪ love is all about whistles ♪
92440
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