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1
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:10,894
[dramatic music]
2
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,637
♪ ♪
3
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,969
Riddle me this, my little nerds.
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,595
Who here has been to the
Toledo Renaissance Faire?
5
00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,733
Yeah, that tracks.
6
00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:24,401
It turns out that getting
more serious with Shayla
7
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,821
means the occasional
Ren Faire excursion
8
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,900
to drink mead with her brother
9
00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,195
who fancies himself a friar.
10
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,239
Three flagons in
yesterday, my phone died.
11
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,333
I wasn't able to
order us an Uber,
12
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,698
because all of the
crushed velvet deviants
13
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,390
that work there claimed
that they'd never heard
14
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,254
of a "phone charger."
15
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,461
Uh, "What magic
dost thou speak of?"
16
00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:46,051
Says the wizard
wearing an Apple watch.
17
00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,457
Yeah, had to catch a ride home
18
00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:50,085
with a bunch of minstrels
who had really committed
19
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,553
to that era's lack of deodorant.
20
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,447
The whole day was a
nightmare, I'm telling you.
21
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,141
But I will have my revenge
22
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,431
before they leave
town next week.
23
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,015
And you all are gonna help me.
24
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,770
Okay, first off, it's
important that we understand...
25
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:04,942
High school's that time
when you're supposed to
26
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,441
figure out who you are.
27
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,783
But who is Victor Kozlowski?
28
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:09,988
A nerd?
29
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,238
A nice guy in a sweater? Sure.
30
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,370
A hopeless romantic who's
never even been kissed?
31
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,198
Guilty as charged.
32
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,333
Ideally, what we're looking for
33
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:21,290
is someone who can work a forge.
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00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,791
- Sorry to interrupt.
- Uh, Victor's mom called.
35
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,383
Yeah.
36
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,958
Found your retainer
again, huh, bud?
37
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,133
Great. Keep us posted.
38
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,011
Gwen's way easier to define.
39
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,469
She's my oldest buddy.
40
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,470
The one who makes
me laugh so hard.
41
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,522
Go-Gurt comes out of my nose.
42
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:43,186
She's my safe place, for
lack of a better term.
43
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,848
- Now...
- [snaps fingers]
44
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,766
Yeah, uh, Victor? Hi. Yeah.
45
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:50,355
Um, listen, do you or do
you not know how to joust?
46
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,712
[Ramones' "We Want
the Airwaves"]
47
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:55,906
♪ ♪
48
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,489
♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
49
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,785
♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
50
00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,079
♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
51
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,673
♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪
52
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:08,169
♪ ♪
53
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:13,801
I guess I could be a maiden
with squished cleavage?
54
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,682
- That's it? No.
- Come on, guys, damn it.
55
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,470
If we're gonna get
past this century
56
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,473
slash parking attendant,
57
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,845
then your characters need
to be better defined.
58
00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,162
We need to go deeper with these
characters' backstories, okay?
59
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,346
That... that... that's
what I'm saying.
60
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,686
I'm thinking, like, um,
61
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,031
like a harlequin with
an addiction to mutton.
62
00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,566
Or like an earnest baker
who survived the plague
63
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,701
only to be run over
by a corpse cart.
64
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,699
- Boss, it's 8:30.
- Oh, uh, okay.
65
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,742
Time to hop over to city
hall and get a permit
66
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,195
to ride a donkey on the street.
67
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,206
Sometimes in life, there's
a before and an after.
68
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,210
This is before.
69
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,301
[phones chiming]
70
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,877
Oh, my God.
71
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:56,471
Someone leaked hot, hot
photos of Ashlanda schoolwide.
72
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,259
This is after.
73
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,224
I preferred their
September leak.
74
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,604
The blue bikinis.
75
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,600
Cause of death, that photo.
76
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,732
Time of death, when I saw it.
77
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,400
I can't believe somebody invaded
78
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,568
their privacy like that.
79
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,397
You know they do this
on purpose, right,
80
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,032
take a sexy photo,
send it schoolwide
81
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:16,029
so that everybody can
see how hot they look?
82
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,621
I strive for mystery
in my NSFW photos.
83
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:24,537
Where's the soft lighting?
Where's the come hither look?
84
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,869
Anthony, you've
taken risqué photos?
85
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,626
Even I have.
86
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,437
Just so there's something
spicy to throw at the press
87
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,211
when I become senator at 34.
88
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:37,684
When it comes to this stuff,
I say, "Go hard or go home."
89
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,717
Get it?
90
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,851
If no one even nods or chuckles,
91
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,887
then I look like a perv.
92
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,391
Someone, please.
93
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,892
Nod. Chuckle.
94
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,105
But the rest of you
haven't done it yet, right?
95
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,106
I've never done one.
96
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:53,978
[shutter snaps]
97
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,105
Okay, now I did it.
98
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,782
- Did you guys hear my joke?
- What about you, Dan?
99
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,662
You got any photos
you wanna share?
100
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,869
Well, I'm more of an
in-person kind of guy.
101
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,289
I like to feel it.
102
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:09,038
- Same. In-person gal.
- I wanna feel it.
103
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,382
- You all heard it, right?
- Go hard or go home?
104
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,669
But this time the hard is the...
105
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,343
[gentle acoustic guitar]
106
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,971
One thing was clear.
107
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:23,218
16 years old and I'd never
felt more like a little boy.
108
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,643
While I questioned my
manhood, Anthony and Grace
109
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,853
were celebrating the
women of Whitlock.
110
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,563
It was part of Grace's duties
on the student council,
111
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:34,824
and Anthony was there
because... well...
112
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,148
And that will get
you out of gym.
113
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,613
Thank you.
114
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,297
We're gonna start on the
bulletin board in the hallway.
115
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:41,531
Ooh, that sounds good.
116
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,243
I gotta get back
to scraping the gum
117
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,453
off the bottom of my desk.
118
00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,793
Oh, I don't know why
I do this to myself.
119
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,959
The garbage can is right there.
120
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,669
You know what these
queens deserve?
121
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,170
- Neon.
- [gasps]
122
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:58,011
Get out of my head. And
how about bubble letters?
123
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,178
- Get out of my head.
- I won't. I love it here.
124
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,861
I'm gonna put a couch in
your head and take a nap.
125
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,595
I mean, what about a
staycation at home?
126
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:04,716
- That sounds fu...
- Would you want to do that?
127
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,973
- Uh, yeah.
- Helen.
128
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,675
Dish on your weekend.
129
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,685
Did you see your lady love?
130
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,727
- I did.
- I got taken to the ballet.
131
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,022
All: Ooh!
132
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,605
Yeah. Get this.
133
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,529
All the performers
were children.
134
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,028
Just terrible ballet.
135
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,910
I mean, they were
bumping into each other,
136
00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,656
they didn't know their moves,
and it was a waste of a night.
137
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,779
Are you sure it wasn't her like,
138
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,195
niece's recital or something?
139
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,043
Well, yeah, it did
turn out to be that.
140
00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:32,539
So I just said some fake nice
things about the bad ballet,
141
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,792
and then we had some
hot cocoa by the fire
142
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,214
and smooched each
other off. [laughs]
143
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,843
Ooh.
144
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:43,465
I'm sorry, I thought
everyone was gonna go, "Ooh."
145
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,970
Well, I spent my
weekend completely alone
146
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,522
almost exclusively on the couch.
147
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,266
Honestly, pretty epic weekend.
148
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,598
[laughter]
149
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:53,037
This guy knows what
I'm talking about.
150
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,413
- He knows.
- She's right. [Clears throat]
151
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,727
She's right. Sorry.
152
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,942
I have not used my voice
since Friday when I said,
153
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,442
"Don't worry about me;
My weekend's packed."
154
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,985
Hey, remember our pact.
155
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,158
If neither of us is
married by age 65...
156
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,568
Double suicide.
157
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,486
All: Ah! [Laughter]
158
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,695
So sad.
159
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,705
Do you think Principal
Durbin and Ms. Wagner
160
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,997
could ever, you
know, be together?
161
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,132
If they were going to,
162
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,048
wouldn't they have
done it by now?
163
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,377
Sometimes love needs
a little nudge.
164
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,264
So what about love?
165
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,930
They say it's like having
butterflies in your stomach,
166
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,930
and sometimes, yeah, it
feels like eating bugs
167
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,523
would be easier than
talking about it.
168
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,769
Blood oath.
169
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,600
Let's swear to never
betray each other.
170
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,225
But we already
did that last week
171
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,772
with barbecue sauce.
172
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,565
I guess I'm just hungry.
173
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,529
[sultry rock music]
174
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:50,571
♪ ♪
175
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,865
Stare much?
176
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,753
Ashley and Amanda,
they're brave.
177
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,421
Brave with their bodies.
178
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:01,920
Ah, yes, showing side boob
is a real profile in courage.
179
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:05,303
I've been thinking about
taking some nudes of my own.
180
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,342
Yeah, totally. Totally.
181
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,925
No, same here. Same here.
182
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:14,141
Oh, oh, you're
serious. Okay, cool.
183
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,734
Yeah, I'm serious.
184
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,649
Would you wanna
185
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:22,028
maybe help me take
some pics? [chuckles]
186
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,237
Come by the garage after school.
187
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,067
I'll try not to puke.
188
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,412
[upbeat music]
189
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,118
My plan was set in motion.
190
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,868
But while I took a step forward,
191
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:35,160
Principal Durbin was
about to be on his heels.
192
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,745
Care to explain yourself, Durbs?
193
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,460
I found these on my desk
signed, "Your loving Ralph."
194
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,632
Please tell me you
didn't actually
195
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,380
make this strange,
sentimental gesture.
196
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:44,801
Of course not.
197
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,879
I've never had the
confidence to ask anyone out.
198
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,335
I've only ever been asked
out. It's happened twice.
199
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,386
My now ex-wife
200
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,849
and a very aggressive
sex worker in Havana.
201
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:57,390
Hmm, I don't think that's
getting "asked out."
202
00:07:57,435 --> 00:08:00,395
Well, if Ralph didn't send it
203
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:04,188
then who the heck did?
204
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,864
[quirky music]
205
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,454
Sneaky little devils.
206
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,790
Oh, yeah.
207
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,197
I feel like everyone else
has figured out who it is.
208
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,156
These students think
they can meddle
209
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,166
with the complicated
emotional lives of adults?
210
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,748
It's time to teach
them a lesson.
211
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,003
- Helen.
- Yes.
212
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,875
Get ready for the
"Parent Trap" protocol.
213
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,143
Nope, that's
carry-out menus. Ah.
214
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:38,477
[twangy guitar music]
215
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,728
♪ ♪
216
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,149
Okay, gimme bad Victor.
217
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,275
Okay, uh, uh, come on, come on.
218
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,146
Just say some badass stuff.
219
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,203
One time I killed a baby
bird with a basketball.
220
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,383
I thought we were never gonna
talk about that ever again.
221
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,697
Uh, sorry.
222
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,372
I could do something else.
223
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,000
I could do little air bites.
224
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,658
- What?
- It's a thing.
225
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,017
In order to look
good in pictures,
226
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,881
you bite the air and then smile.
227
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,379
These are supposed
to be sexy, right?
228
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,762
Yeah.
229
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,928
Then look sexy.
230
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,644
Let me just toss this.
231
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,978
This one's actually pretty good.
232
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,114
[gentle acoustic guitar music]
233
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,242
♪ ♪
234
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,908
So, um,
235
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,656
are you gonna send
these to somebody?
236
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,528
Yep, and I already
have the number
237
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,075
saved in my phone.
238
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,748
I should probably
ask first, though.
239
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,618
I'm pretty sure she'll say yes.
240
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,267
I had a whole
conversation with my mom,
241
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,591
and she encouraged me to
err on the side of caution.
242
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,627
- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]
243
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:52,681
"Dear Ashley and Amanda.
244
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,297
"It's Victor from German
class study group.
245
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,306
"Guten tag!
246
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:02,518
Mind if I send some
titillating photos?"
247
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,690
[chuckles] [phone chimes]
248
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,040
Victor, are you sure
you want to do that?
249
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:09,404
- They said, "Hell, ja!"
- [laughs]
250
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,532
It's a bit of a German joke.
251
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,239
Oh, my God, wow, wow!
252
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,530
I mean, I don't wanna do a
full "Sliding Doors" here,
253
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:20,084
but this could be the moment
that changes everything.
254
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,710
Ashley's dad has a
cabin at Devil's Lake.
255
00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,128
Sounds fun.
256
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,206
Probably way better than
hanging out with me.
257
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,552
Okay.
258
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,296
This is the moment of truth.
259
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,298
Should I send it?
260
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,340
Sure. Go for it.
261
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,314
Hey, Gwen,
262
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,638
you're a great friend.
263
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:44,643
[melancholy music]
264
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:49,016
♪ ♪
265
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,065
In high school, the
changes come fast.
266
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,950
And this high school boy
was on the verge of becoming
267
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,278
a high school man, for
lack of a better term.
268
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,994
Okay, so I don't want
you guys falling apart
269
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,906
when you're grilled
on your backstories,
270
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:06,004
so, uh, tell me who you are. Go.
271
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:09,341
- Elizabeth Wallydrag.
- Scribe I be.
272
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,797
Okay, go.
273
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,717
The villagers call
me Slow Jeffery,
274
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,877
but this fog of simplicity
275
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,045
is a fallacy of my own creation.
276
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,514
I'm truly Lord Hensley,
the long lost son
277
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,346
of the one true King Rodrigo,
278
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,692
and I shall bring my
enemies to their knees
279
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,898
with my angelic voice.
280
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,438
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
281
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,029
- Okay, great, yeah.
- Lots of detail there.
282
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,449
Nice. Very good work.
283
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,817
Um, Anthony, do make sure that
284
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,243
you are also doing homework
for other classes, okay?
285
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,582
I'm really enjoying this
mission, Mr. Griffin.
286
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,038
- [phone chimes]
- Oh, I can tell.
287
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,208
Mm, the snakes are
here a day early.
288
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:46,682
Okay, well, I'm
gonna go grab these.
289
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,246
Guys, work on your Elizabethan
accents, all right?
290
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,462
Victor, I heard a rumor you
became a man last night.
291
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:56,384
I sent some sensual
photos to Ashlanda.
292
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,104
I thought I smelled
some heat on you.
293
00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,306
That is next level, Victor.
294
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,517
Ashlanda do in-person
physical sexting,
295
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,809
AKA sex.
296
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,523
Isn't that right, Dan?
297
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,193
Yeah, yeah, it has
been known to happen.
298
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,194
- [phone chimes]
- Oh, my God!
299
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,066
I just got a full-on invitation
300
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:21,073
to hang out with
Ashlanda after school.
301
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,366
Two words, dude. Dental dam.
302
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,250
You don't want to end
up like Michael Douglas.
303
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,617
Guys, I got a... I got a
quick question for you.
304
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,245
How much are you supposed
to tip a snake handler?
305
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,462
Google says 20%,
but I gotta say,
306
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,963
that feels high, you know,
307
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:39,045
especially for a guy who
just sort of has snakes.
308
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,842
Whatever, I'll
figure it out. Um.
309
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,425
Okay, who have we gotten so far?
310
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,100
I've got you, got you,
we're skipping Marcus.
311
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,430
- Perchance...
- Mm...
312
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:50,444
Thou hast not yet met
the fool for money,
313
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:53,188
Jeremiah the Jester.
314
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,731
Yeah, no, I don't
like any of that.
315
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,784
I'm gonna need you to switch
over to nameless dung-monger.
316
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,110
Okay, all right.
Good enough for now.
317
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,986
Now, guys, I need these
snakes to be alive tomorrow,
318
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,704
so I need everybody
to take a snake home.
319
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,905
Yeah. I need everyone to line up
320
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,415
and take a snake
home with you, okay?
321
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,918
While I was getting everything
322
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,169
I'd hoped for, Anthony and Grace
323
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,961
were about to get more
than they bargained for.
324
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,966
Ralph, that letter changed me.
325
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:23,008
I've never said this
before, but love rocks.
326
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,013
You make me want to
be a better principal.
327
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:29,425
Mm, mm, mm, ah!
328
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436
Oh, Ralph. Mm.
329
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:36,148
Mm, Ms. Wagner,
such good kissing.
330
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:39,651
- Who should we do next?
- Coach and the lunch lady?
331
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,994
Coach has to learn to
love himself first.
332
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:46,831
I can't wait to make
you Mrs. Ralph Durbin.
333
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,198
Mrs. Ralph Durbin? Damn.
334
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,584
I can't even keep my
first or last name?
335
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:51,662
Screw that.
336
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,876
How about you be
Mr. Mary Wagner?
337
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,127
And if you say no,
you hate women.
338
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,669
[quirky music]
339
00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:01,512
Oh, Ms. Duncan, no, he's
in a very private meeting.
340
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,339
I'm sorry, sir. She
just blew right past me.
341
00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:07,176
[whispering] You guys are
doing great. You're killing it.
342
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:08,722
Ralph, you have a lot of nerve,
343
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,265
cheating with my best friend
344
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,938
when I'm pregnant
with our love child.
345
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,397
[glass shatters]
346
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,937
No! My vase.
347
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,520
[glass shatters]
348
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,685
No! My terrarium.
349
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:20,994
[glass shatters]
350
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,947
No, my drinking glass
for holding water.
351
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,779
No, Mrs. Jones, I'm
gonna have to ask you
352
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,575
to sit, please, and wait.
353
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,408
I'm sorry, sir.
354
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,123
Hey, unrelated, next Friday
can I get off a little early?
355
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,464
I have a mammo.
356
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,790
Okay.
357
00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:40,005
My husband never gave me
Takis, fun or full-size.
358
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,966
I'm done with him.
359
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:45,587
I need a Takis man,
and, Durbin, that's you!
360
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,715
- Are you calling your husband?
- Don't bother. Durbin's mine!
361
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:51,604
Keith, it's your wife.
362
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:56,061
I want a divorce. Get
your things and get out.
363
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,364
- [glass shatters]
- [gasps]
364
00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:01,567
- Mary! Is that a glass shard?
- Put that down!
365
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,529
- Oh, my God, Mary.
- Mary, no! No!
366
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,411
Why did Durbin send
that damn, damn letter?
367
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,949
Now I'm gonna have
to call the FBI.
368
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,115
I know what we have to do.
369
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:17,213
Can I have Secret Agent
Applesauce, please?
370
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,420
Oh, classic Victor.
371
00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:21,961
Only bringing dip to a party.
372
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:24,165
Next time I'll ask
if there are chips.
373
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,375
It's okay, Victor.
374
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,045
Obviously, the
point isn't to eat.
375
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,104
Maybe we should get
to the real point.
376
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,019
We have kind of an initiation
when new people come to hang,
377
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,559
but you probably
don't want to do it.
378
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:36,812
Mm. Mm-mm.
379
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,483
What is it?
380
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:42,781
Well, you don't wanna dance
for us, do you, Victor?
381
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,237
Vic, you don't gotta do
anything you don't wanna do.
382
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,948
[electronic music]
Come on. It'll be fun.
383
00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,528
Oh, my goodness.
384
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,034
Whoo!
385
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,946
- Strip!
- Whoo!
386
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,964
- Take it all off.
- Take it all off.
387
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,787
Whoo-ee!
388
00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,712
[all shouting]
389
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,961
Oh, my God. Whoo!
390
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,633
- Oh, yeah!
- Whoo!
391
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:06,302
- Oh, my God. You look so hot.
- There we go.
392
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,841
- You're a god, Victor.
- Oh, yeah.
393
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,505
That's what I like to see.
394
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,563
- No. Hey, Victor.
- That... that's enough!
395
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,637
That's enough. That...
that... that's enough!
396
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:17,523
Okay? They're just
messing with you, Vic.
397
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:21,020
You should just... You
should just go home, man.
398
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,320
Dan, you're no fun.
399
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,163
Thank you so much for having me.
400
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,488
I had a lovely evening.
401
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:36,204
And, uh, please, thank
your mother for the sodas.
402
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,366
And when Madison gets
out of the bathroom,
403
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:41,035
would you, uh, let
her know I say, "Bye."
404
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,550
And just like that,
405
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,626
I knew exactly who
Victor Kozlowski was.
406
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,133
An idiot.
407
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,184
[soft rock music]
408
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,837
♪ I was all alone ♪
409
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,295
♪ Felt so contagious ♪
410
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,925
♪ Flat broke and 17 ♪
411
00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,892
♪ Rip out the pages ♪
412
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,352
How was the party?
413
00:16:57,392 --> 00:17:01,812
Was everyone blown away by
how cool and sexy you are?
414
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:06,185
Did you know they invited me
there just to make fun of me?
415
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:07,944
Like you care what I think?
416
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:10,406
You should have stopped me
from sending that photo.
417
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,277
It was humiliating.
418
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:16,583
♪ ♪
419
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,369
Here.
420
00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:20,503
You left this at my place.
421
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,590
And, um...
422
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,456
Here's mine.
423
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,974
I'm sorry you couldn't spend
your summer at Devil's Lake.
424
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,758
♪ People don't change ♪
425
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,051
♪ Toxic waste ♪
426
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,604
♪ Push you away ♪
427
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,137
[engine revving]
428
00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:40,272
♪ Without you baby ♪
429
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:43,770
♪ Without you baby ♪
430
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:52,241
[sobbing]
431
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,410
Durbin is dead,
432
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,989
and it's all my fault!
433
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,785
[sobbing]
434
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,841
Okay, and just to
recap, Durbin is dead.
435
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:09,757
I find the body, blame you,
then violently break your neck,
436
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,218
which sounds like...
437
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,507
[horse whinnies]
438
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,141
I'll get it right when we do it.
439
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,405
It's gonna be tight.
It's gonna be tight.
440
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,599
- Oh, oh, places, places.
- Places, Places.
441
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,521
[quirky music]
442
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,559
Why didn't you answer
my calls last night?
443
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,122
We hurt our favorite
adults, and the guilt
444
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,226
is too much to bear.
445
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,072
I was downtown trying meth.
446
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,149
Are you fully addicted?
447
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:32,744
Permanently so.
448
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,239
[gasps] My teeth!
449
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,570
- Oh, no! No!
- Oh, my God.
450
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,496
No, you need those
for biting! Oh, no!
451
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,348
You've gotta be careful,
you've gotta put them...
452
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,292
You gotta hydrate them
to keep them alive.
453
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,174
Are these Chiclets?
454
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,592
And so endeth our little play.
455
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,262
I see what's going on here.
456
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,112
We've got a couple Susan
Luccis on our hands.
457
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,296
Mm-hmm.
458
00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:00,215
The Lucci-ers have
become the Lucci-ees.
459
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:02,765
Okay, well, then, I
guess there's a lesson
460
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,349
to be learned here,
461
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:08,024
which I guess is, don't
teach each other lessons
462
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,694
using incredibly
realistic acting?
463
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,824
[all murmuring]
464
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,281
Michelle.
465
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,780
Keith, what are you doing here?
466
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,952
You're right.
467
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,620
You deserve to be
treated like a queen.
468
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,159
I took the "His" bath towels.
You can have the "Hers."
469
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,624
[gasps] Oh, gosh!
470
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,464
I forgot to tell you
that that call was...
471
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:30,799
Was just unbelievably
realistic acting.
472
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:31,957
Oh, good.
473
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,585
I was really, really scared.
474
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,431
I didn't like that at all.
475
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:38,387
I didn't like that at all.
476
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:39,598
I didn't like that at all.
477
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:41,637
- Oh, okay. Okay.
- I didn't like that.
478
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,891
- I didn't like that at all.
- Oh, poor baby.
479
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,604
While everyone else was
figuring things out,
480
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:51,265
I was still confused as ever.
481
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,606
Who am I?
482
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,820
♪ In your face ♪
483
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,151
A boy?
484
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,196
♪ What would you do? ♪
485
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,910
A man?
486
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,450
♪ ♪
487
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:03,504
♪ What if I fell ♪
488
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,496
Am I even Victor anymore?
489
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,919
♪ Couldn't take this anymore ♪
490
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,379
Do I even wanna be?
491
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:16,169
♪ What would you do, do, do? ♪
492
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:22,216
♪ Come break me down ♪
493
00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:24,215
♪ Bury me, bury me ♪
494
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:28,555
♪ I am finished with you ♪
495
00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:29,943
Well, uh, guys, I thought
496
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,499
that actually went
pretty well, you know,
497
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,783
with one minor hiccup.
498
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,697
My pediatrician says this is
actually a pretty big hiccup.
499
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,963
I was actually
referring to the fact
500
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,697
that I got put in stocks.
501
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,258
Victor, you were
supposed to get the key
502
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,662
from Sir Kennylwait,
AKA Fat Doug.
503
00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:46,412
What happened, man?
You let us down.
504
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,544
Who haven't I let down?
505
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,961
My life is hell, and
I'm about to bust.
506
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:54,302
[gentle guitar music]
507
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:55,957
Uh, can somebody
get me out of these?
508
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:59,546
♪ ♪
509
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,892
Okay, Victor, bust.
What happened?
510
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,309
I made a fool of myself
in front of Ashlanda,
511
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,138
I ruined everything with Gwen,
512
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,193
and I brought creamy dip
513
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,647
to a make-out party
like an idiot.
514
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,568
I got us your bowl, Vic.
515
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,816
Gwen is the girl who's
constantly bringing you
516
00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,239
news about your retainer
517
00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:18,897
and clearly has a thing for you?
518
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,735
No, she doesn't feel
that way about me.
519
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,092
All right, listen, Victor,
this is one of those
520
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,326
classic situations where
the supportive best friend
521
00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,762
is actually totally
in love with you,
522
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,746
but because of her overalls
and masculine hobbies,
523
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,669
you're just too dumb to see it.
524
00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,458
Now this goes for everybody.
525
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:35,251
Don't try to date
someone popular.
526
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,605
It's just never gonna
work out for you.
527
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:38,969
You know what I mean?
Except for Dan, of course.
528
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:40,717
Everybody knows
that these speeches
529
00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:42,929
don't apply to Dan, right? Yeah.
530
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:44,219
Now, listen, at this age,
531
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:46,642
if somebody is willing
to spend time with you,
532
00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,034
they're almost certainly
in love with you,
533
00:21:48,058 --> 00:21:51,098
so what are you
waiting for, Victor?
534
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:55,274
If you have similar
feelings, go tell her.
535
00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:58,225
[gentle piano music]
536
00:21:58,276 --> 00:22:01,026
♪ ♪
537
00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:02,281
[upbeat rock music]
538
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,952
♪ If you find yourself
caught in love ♪
539
00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:08,581
♪ Say a prayer to
the man above ♪
540
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:11,210
♪ Thank him for
everything you know ♪
541
00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:15,957
♪ You should thank him for
every breath you blow ♪
542
00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,962
♪ If you find yourself
caught in love ♪
543
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:22,505
♪ Say a prayer to
the man above ♪
544
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,180
♪ Thank him for
every day you pass ♪
545
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:29,310
♪ You should thank him for
saving your sorry ass ♪
546
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:31,229
Permission to send a sexy photo.
547
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,767
♪ But looking out ♪
548
00:22:32,811 --> 00:22:36,111
♪ You must raise your
prayer to a shout ♪
549
00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:37,477
Granted.
550
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:39,694
♪ Another partner
must be found ♪
551
00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:42,204
♪ Someone to take
your life beyond ♪
552
00:22:42,237 --> 00:22:45,817
♪ Another TV "I Love 1999" ♪
553
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:49,155
♪ Just one more box
of cheapo wine ♪
554
00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:51,452
♪ ♪
555
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,536
What took you so long?
556
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,331
Sometimes love needs
a little nudge.
557
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,955
♪ To the man above ♪
558
00:22:58,003 --> 00:22:59,423
♪ But if you don't listen ♪
559
00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,472
Boy or man, I knew one thing.
560
00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:04,717
Life would never
be the same for me.
561
00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:07,179
Gwen and I were
entering something new.
562
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:09,010
Something exciting.
563
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:13,265
If I had to define
it, I'd call it love,
564
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,019
for lack of a better term.
565
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,152
♪ Is written in
books from long ago ♪
566
00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:21,689
♪ Give up your will to
him that loves you ♪
567
00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:22,685
♪ Things will change ♪
568
00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:25,606
♪ I'm not saying overnight ♪
569
00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:29,075
♪ You've got to
start somewhere ♪
40927
