Original subtitles

"The Carnal Praying Mat" is the most famous of the

three erotic novels written more than 400 years ago

It was banned for its erotic depiction

In the Yuen Dynasty, there lived a monk,

who always carried a sack with him

and was thus called "the Sack Monk"

He's known for his profound knowledge in Buddhist philosophy

A young and lecherous scholar Mei Yeung Sheng

went to see the Sack Monk,

because he thought the Buddhist teachings of abstention

from sex is opposed to human nature

A heated argument started between the two men and

they parted unhappily in the end

You should care about...

your next life as well as this one

You enjoy flirting with other people's wives and daughters

But how about if your wife was being flirted with?

What one does to others must be avenged

I thought such a famous monk as you

must have extraordinary ideas in this matter

I am disappointed by what you just said

If what one does to others must be avenged, let me ask you:

A man with no wife or daughter,

how is he to be punished

Also, a man with a wife and two daughters

goes to bed with hundreds of women,

though his wives and daughters suffer assaught by other men,

he still benefits from it all

The bride and the bridegroom knwtow to the bride's father

The bridegroom offers tea to his lordship

We must play games with the bride

Congratulation to the bride

Dring it, cheers

Let's go out side

Out!

Do you know why I'm called Master Iron Doors?

I'm very strict with my family,

I guard them against lechery

I appreciate your knowledge, so I marry my daughter to you

From now on you can travel

or assume official duties without any worries

Our master married your daughter exactly for this reason

He knew you would keep our daughter harnessed

so he won't get avenged for what he did to women

Sex is the most pleasurable thing

Of course it hurts a little the first time

But I'll take it easy

and make you happy in no time

Husband,

I think sex is the dirtiest thing

But I won't avoid it

because it was laid down in the ancient laws

I know it hurts and I pray you hurry up,

so I won't suffer too long

Later you put...

some of this anaethestics on me

This is pain killer

After we finish having sex, give me some

Please come

Hurry up, Husband. What are you up to?

Not yet! Don't rush me

Why? Just put it in

Alright, alright

Ouch! That hurts!

Why did you kick me!

It really hurts Give me the pain killer, Quick!

I have not yet finished

I have done my duties now that I did it

Who cares whether you have finished or not

You foolish girl I have seen no blood yet

Who said there's no blood It's all over the place on the floor!

Why is there so much blood?

Why's there so much blood on my ring?

Your ring? It pierced your prick That's why

Blood! I am going to faint

My painkiller

Give it to me. It tastes terrible

I told you it's a dirty thing to do

We'd better not do it

It's the authentic painting by Chao Meng Fu

We ought to purity ourselves before looking at it

Oh, it's ugly. How could Master Chao have painted such a thing

You fool. This is according to the teachings to the sages

Why can't we paint

process of reproduction?

Don't

Why, don't pretend you don't like it

A few months age you said you're afraid of doing it

Last night you held me tight and kept saying: sweetheart,

give it to me, give it to me

and please come, please come!

Don't laugh at me!

No!

Bravo! Bravo!

So you are the famous Flying Thief...

Choi Kun Lun

That's me. I'm a righteous man

I don't steal from the poor

I don't steal from a family with a funeral on

I don't steal from a family having a banquet

I don't steal from someone I've stolen before

I don't steal from a friend

That's why so many people came to make friends with me

They all flatter me and now

it's difficult to find

a target to steal from

Since we get along with each other so well

Let me be frank with you,

I told my friend-in-law

I have come to study

But in fact what I'm after are women

Can you help me...

find women?

Damn! I'm late. I must dash

Hey, I want to come with you

This guy is kind of weird

I wonder if he's pinched your purse

Has it all gone?

No, but they all turned into stones!

There is something good

That one has a big breast, hasn't she?

That's wonderful. Keep it up

Lady...

Master, are you alright?

Lady...you dropped a book

Not mine Take a closer look

You beast!

I've come to return the money to you,

with 10% interest

Hey, Choi...

Dai, since you can enter a house with no effort,

please help me find beauties,

help me enter their chambers

If you can really help me fulfil my wish

I will repay you with a large sum

It is risky to go after a man's wife

If you only manage to get it once or twice

And the woman then dumps you,

it's not worth the effort

With my looks and talents I'm sure they'll admire me!

Now, if you really want me to help,

you must be frank me How long is your prick?

So so

When you fuck a woman,

can you last an incense's time?

No problem!

Well, I put some aphrodisiao oil on

Now, there's a silk shop in the west end of the town

The wife of the shopkeeper is there

Go and take a look

Only looking?

Possibly some actions too

Good

What's that noise just now? What's up?

I tripped and fell

Did you damage the cloth?

No...

Really?

Really?

Eat now

Why is there no fish tonight?

There's no fish in the market

You couldn't buy a fish in the whole market?

There's no fish that you like in the market

You must listen before you open your mouth to speak

Now, listen carefully before you answer me

Did you damage the cloth when you fell down just now?

Yes

So you did! You deserve a good smack

I didn't say I won't do it

I only want to eat before doing it

Finish eating?

Just finished. Thanks

Come over!

Come over!

Quick!

Hey! What's up? Choi!

Have you seen it?

Her husband could last for three incense's time

And you...

you can only last for half an incense's time

His prick is so big, and yours

despite what you said, is only so small

It's only fit for picking teeth

This is for your self-conceit,

chasing after other man's wife without real abilities

This for your foolishness

You know I don't steal women,

yet you want me to find women for you

What do you think I am? What have you got to say now?

Yes...You're right in sleeping me

but I still want you to help me find beauties

If your prick is as long as a horse prick,

I'll help you

Choi

Husband, we've been separated for about a month

I've been feeling so lonely and sad

Without your kissing, hugging and fucking

I feel like millions of ants biting my private part

Do you know with what kind of water was this letter written?

It was written with ink and the secretion from my cunt

Fetch me the knife! Fetch it!

Why give me much a small prick? Why not a couple more inches

You dammed God!

You gave me such talents and looks,

Why economize on the most vital part? Are you playing on me?

OK, you want to play? You bet I'll cut you out

Please don't, Master, don't!

Go away!

Blood! Oh God!

Has it come off?

Not completely...Why?

Why what?

Why yours is bigger than mine?

Why?

I don't know. You'd better ask my mother

Master! No, don't!

What happened?

See it for yourself!

Doctor lp on vacation. Clinic closed

Damned! I'm damned!

I'm damned!

Specialized in joining broken limbs

Master Tin Chan resides here and is ready to help the desperate

My good fellow I am here to see Master Tin Chan

Please...

No need to say any more

The wound is caused by a blunt knife

It's now two incense's time

The arteries are OK, but the veins are broken

but I can cure you now

You'll recover completely in 15 days

The fee is 20 leuns

Surgeon, I haven't seen anything like this in my life

My art goes back for seven generations

My father got hold of the manuel

written by Master Hua Tuo

That's how he learnt

all the art...

of surgery

After studying with my father for a while

my interest changed to transplanting limbs,

especially the sexual organ

Just think, if I can transplant an animal's sexual organ to a man's body

making him a real man again

I'll become rich and famous

Have you succeeded?

I have mastered the basic techniques

Please operate on me Give me a dog's prick

OK

Shut up!

I'm not speaking to you!

You're very small, I'm not interested in you

An elephant's is more like it

An elephant! Isn't it too big?

It's like having three legs, how can I go out?

Yes, a horse's prick

Choi Kun Lun said if my prick is as long as a horse's,

he'll help me

Please put a horse's prick on me

Oh, I forgot I am a scholar, how can I use such words

Sorry, doctor

You must hurry if you ready want a horse's prick

because I'll go home two days later You can't do it then

Master Mei, please offer some incense

I pray thee, Master Hua Tuo,

let my operation be a success without any mishaps

Alright, please undress!

The moon is bright tonight It's best if it rains

It's the fourth gong now. Let's start

Why wait till it's the fourth gong?

An animal or a man's organ is most excited

at the time

when the cocks begin to crow

If the transplant operation is done at this time,

the effect will be best

A horse will get excited when it sees red

Get it up!

This is Ma Fei soup, a kind of anaesthetics

Drink it and you feel nothing...

in your lower limbs

Young chap, get some wine for the horse

I said get some wine for the horse, Go!

Why doesn't the horse take Ma Fei soup?

Because the horse repels...

Ma Fei soup

So I have to use wine as anaesthetics for the horse

Right, leave one gulp

Doctor, what's that?

This is what I read in western books

This is a guillotine...

for cutting off people's heads

I made a miniature one for operation use

I spent a lot on it

I'll try it on you, See!

It shrinks!

Hey, don't panic

I'm not panicking I just saw a big mouse

I'm most afraid of mice

You're afraid of mice I'm afraid of the rain

Why?

When I was a child

I saw on a rainy night

my mother being raped and killed

Ever since, I get very emotional on rainy nights

especially when there is thunderbolt

Doctor!

It's almost dawn!

Help me hold the bottle and

put it over there

We'll start to operate before the first incense goes off

If we're late then there's no point in operating

How about the second incense?

The whole operation must finish before that one goes off

Don't pull such a long face

Cheer up, and relax

I already feel very relaxed!

Then we're bound to succeed Let's start!

Smile, I'm going to cut you off!

I have stopped the bleeding

It's all finished?

All finished, Does it hurts?

No

You useless rascal!

Get up...coward!

What?

Nothing

You playing with it?

Nothing. Go on

Gosh! He's still sober after downing the pot of wine!

Rascal! He surely can drink

Shit! Time is running out The horse is not yet drunk

It won't do!

Now, let's put yours back onto you first

So, shall we do the proper thing later?

No,

you can only do it once

Then I won't

I warn you. Time is running out

If you don't put it back on, the wound will kill you

Doggie, doggie, don't carry it away!

Doggie!

Hey, you dog, give it back to me

Don't carry it away

Doggie, I want my prick back...

No, give him back his prick...

So, give it back to me...

Don't panic, I've found it for you

But there's only a little bit left

What we can do...

is to cut the boy's bird for you

How about me? What am I going to do?

You'll be eunuch. Fool!

What! Are you kidding?

Am I not a human being?

Don't I have my human rights?

Who told you to be a page boy? Why are you born so poor

Who are you to talk...

about human rights?

Doesn't it include the right of not being cut off one's prick

No!

Give it to me!

No!

Don't run! You rascal!

No! Mine is very small!

Give me a hand, quick! Catch it with the pail

Ready...

Doctor! Doctor!

Rascal! Get up, rascal

Get to work, son

Let me help you

Oh! What now?

Why?

It can't move

I broke the jar of Ma Fei soup

It poured over your hand

Quick. Get the jar of Gum Cho Get the pail too

Pour them all

How's it now?

No reaction

Can't move

It won't do if it can't move

It can't move

How long does it take to work

Half an incense the soonest The incense is almost finished

It's finished!

It's finished!

It's the will of God

Doctor, your hand can move now!

Master, master, he can move his hand again!

What are you doing? Don't hold on to my master

Let go!

What's the wine? It tastes good

It stops. The rain stops What are you waiting for?

Now, you can only do it after a hundred days

If you break the rule, you'll be impotent

Old chap!

You sent your page boy for me,

and said you want to avenge on me by fighting me

You take my sword

I'll fight you with barehands

I said those things only to incite you to come

In fact I want to thank you

Are you kidding?

No. You are a man of your words, right?

Right. I always keep my words

Good old chap Last time you taught me a lesson

What did you say at the end?

I said I'll beat you up whenever I see you

No!

Any tips?

It's to do with a horse

Tips for horse racing?

No!

A horse's prick! I remember now Have you got it?

Boy, the gong!

Fuck you! You tied a big rod on to fool me?

It does look like a horse's prick It's a fake

It must be a fake. It's impossible

It's the real thing!

There's a scar there And the colour is different

I wonder how you put it on

You have a discerning eye, old chap

This is a real horse prick

I met a magical surgeon, who put it on for me

I admire you courage

You deserve be my buddy

Quickly, get it up

No problem

Boy, give me a hand!

Boy, use your mouth!

It's a soft thing

Fuck! After all this effort, Buddy

I can't help you now

Can't move an inch, it's useless!

Boy, leave it. Don't waste your saliva

Well, I think you'd better out it off

before it gets rotten

Otherwise the poison will get to your heart

That I can help. Let's do it

Ready?

Not yet!

Don't stop waving your sword

Hey, are you playing games with me?

No, I feel something. Don't stop

You get excited when I wave my sword?

Yes, yes

OK. Let's try

It works! It works!

Go on...Go on play out the whole thing!

How come my Master never told me...

the whole secret?

Master, what can I do for you?

I'd like to get some white silk

Have you got some?

Yes, please take a seat

Why, this silk seems not so white

It can't be Our silk is the most white in the trade

Because your hand is so white,

the silk seems yellow

In fact, everything has to match with something else

With your stunning beauty

You must marry someone...

with the talents and looks of man

and someone as gentle as I am, then it's a perfect man

If you marry a guy as dark as an ox

Always scolds you and beats you up, and keeps you hungry

leaves all the hard work to you,

so that your fingers are all broken

In that case...

it's just like putting a flower on cowshit

Just like...

you've married this vulgar husband of yours now

You scoundrel!

I'll come to see you some other time, my beauty!

Don't run!

Are you blind! Asshole!

You hurt my foot and you're talking to me like this!

Do you own the street?

Sorry, buddy. It's my fault, I'm blind

I hurt your foot. It's my fault!

Piss off!

I'll be away from home for 10 days

If I find you seeing other men I'll wring your head off

I can set my heart at ease

Come in

No, don't...

I can't help thinking of you after seeing you

I am sorry that you were hurt by the vulgar man

I am sending you

some medicine for your wound

I will bring wine and

food to see you tonight

to tell you my love for you

and everything else. Yours

Please be considerate I can't take my mind off you

Master, I'm a good woman

I'm not easy going

I brought...

some wine and food

I just want to have a chat with you That's all

No! I can't! No!

What a coincidence! I don't believe you

See it for yourself

The key is with my husband

This is...

my buddy Choi Kun Lun

He's well known for opening locks

Take some, master. It's delicious

Put it down

You help this lecherous scholar to chase after my wife

You humiliated me

People laugh at me everywhere

Choi, I can't fight you

But I'm also a human being

Don't go too far

I've brought my relatives and friends

The matter must be settled today

OK, you have it

You ask that wretched scholar to chip in 100 luen

then my wife goes to him

And I'll go as far as I can

If you don't help me

you better kill me

Are you kidding?

I go to the capital shortly to take up my new post

I can't take leave to come back in a year's time

If you serve for Majesty, I have no complaint

I am afraid you frequently visit the brothels

Am I that bad?

Sure You brought back syphillis last time?

You even said no problem

You thought I am an idiot

This is made from big's gut I specially made it for you

When you have fun with the prostitutes, wear it

Don't bring back syphillis I won't forgive you

The size does not fit me

I have it tailor made for you

according to your size

It won't bend like that

Mistress I know you are loved by both sexes

I don't know

how can your husband make you happy

is it because his cock can bend

Beat me!

What have your cock been piercing?

I've been painting

Really? Painting in a crawling position

It is all in a mess What the hell are you painting?

It's secretion from my cunt

No. It's ink painting

Ink painting?

What are you doing so mysteriously,

even closing the window

Erotic painting

You wretched fool

You remember what I taught you when you are young

You look at those paintings and

write those dispicable things

Master

You want to die young? Where have you been?

I went to look for Wong Chut and bring him to see Mistress

Really?

Master

Call her Mistress the Eldest

Mistress the Eldest

This is Wong Chut He sold himself to us as a gardener

This is the inner chamber You are not allowed come in

If you do, I'll have you locked by the police. Understand?

Yes. Master

Go to work now

Yes

Kneel down

Don't stand up

until you have memorized the required sections

It's you

Why didn't you tell me Mistress has become so debased

Show me your hand! That one

Kneel down with her. That's a punishment

Wife

What's up?

Wife, your cousin has arrived She insists on coming in

I failed to stop her

Hide yourself

Where should I hide?

Take off the calligraphic work

Be quick

You haven't visit me for a long time

Your husband has been away for a month Aren't you lonely

Why is the calligraphic work placed on the bed?

I am going to expose it under the sun

Well, the case must be empty

I've put some stones inside

Cousin, haven't we agreed that we are on the same boat

Yes

If you have something good,

is it better to share with me?

Sure

Have you recently made a new friend who got something big

No. I don't know what you mean

That guy left last night

You come too late

What kind of stuff is this?

Why is this still so warm if he left last night

Young master, I am waiting on you

Where am I?

This house is linked with the next one owed by Shui Chu

Our Lord is called Fa Sun,

the cousin of Shui Chu

Her husband died since she married into the family for two years

Rumour-mongers said our young Master live a sensuous life,

and he died for having too much sex with her. That's untrue

As the daughter knew more about life,

and as her husband was always away from home studying

her loneliness was unbearable

She had an affair with Wong Chut and became pregnant

She was now expecting a baby

The daughter felt ashamed to see the father

Therefore, she fled with Wong Chut

But she pray to Haaven every night,

hoping that her father could live a long life

Your unfilial daughter kowtows in tears

This bowl of tea can cool off the summer heat

I've asked...

somebody to carry you in an sedan

Please be careful I will be shaken to death

What do you waant? Where is Brother Chut?

Brother Chut? Brother Chut? Help me

Help! Brother Chut

Where are you, Brother Chut?

Let me go

Who are you? What do you want?

I am the Mistress Ku well known in the capital

You parents have sold you to our brothels

This is the deed for the transaction

Don't shake

I am pregnant. Don't shake

We do it on purpose

The bowl of herbal medicine given to you by your husband

was the most effective medicine for abortion

They massage you like that

It is to help you to abort

No. Help me. Let me go

Your Majesty, the rebels are pursuing us

When the tyrannous Emperor Mei Yeung Sheng was in reign,

he raped women and massacred common folks

I now got Heaven's mandate and set up a new dynasty

I order that the tyrannous Emperor be sentenced

Persecutions and rapes will be gone for ever

Is that so? Are you really so crazy?

You cut off the penis of this mare's husband...

for your own use

Now this widow is coming back to look for her husband

No. Help!

You have to practise on two points

and four locations

First, it is to write with the private part

Whether they are big or small characters

they all look like being written by hands

This can train the strength of the private part,

and also the strength of the waist

Second, it is the training of the tongue

When you practise, you have to take pains

If your tongue can tolerate the bitterness of the shake's bile

then you can overcome

all kinds of odour of the human body

During the bitter process

your abdomen will naturally contract

This is a way to train the abdomen

After training your private part, the waist, tongue and abdomen,

you can help the impotent...

to feel like king again

If you have this skill of yin-yang complementarity,

you will be the Number One prostitute of the captial

Young Master, watch out for the steps

I notice that

I am not yet blind

Young Master, be careful

Those two women over there asked me to give you this

My husband suddenly comes back from the capital

All of a sudden, he bid farewell to the Emperor

Day and night, he misses the body of the Emperor

He cannot sleep well and has lost a lot of weight

My husband said there is a famous doctor in the capital

He is known by the name "Doctor who can mend the sky"

He can turn an impotant man into normal one

I hope the doctor can fix the Emperor's dragon cock

Whenever my husband was in the capital,

he can get high

Some exciting entertainments are now lining up for you

Your honey, Shui

It's not a bad idea to go to the capital

Why don't you, Brother Choi, come with me

I can't go

"Iron Hand" is in the capital

The special mission of this "iron hand" is to catch me

I must stay here to fight with him to death

What does that sign post say?

Young Master, it reads "Chamber of Revolving Heaven"

Young Master Choi, please come in

Take your time

The doctor has arrived

This is Young Master Choi from Hoi Fung

How are you, Young Master Choi?

Fine! How about you, Doctor?

Let's help you take off the clothes and check your body

Such a big size! He won't be my husband

What's the result. Doctor Can that be cured?

Young Master is born with a good physique

Unfortunately, he has too much sex recently

He is now very weak sexually

Let me rejuvenate you, by medicine

You'll get better soon

The voice sounds like my wife's

Why not

Young Master has something very extraordinary

He cock seemed to get hardened just now

He almost made it

To be frank

If Doctor tries it again,

I guarantee his cock get fired up

Why wear something red on the head?

Honestly, this stick of mine is jointed

Originally...

Originally, that was very small. Right?

How do you know?

It is only a guess

It's really you

When I fondled your breast just now, I was suspicious

because all over the world,

only my wife has a slim body

and yet possesses a pair of breasts as big as water-melons

You cheapy-cheapy! I taught you how to make love

You bring with you the techiques

I taught you to the brothels

No...

Don't go away!

Don't go away

Young Master

Despicable woman. Come out!

PLease don't

Come out on your knees

I will report to the police and let them strip off your clothes

And parade you and drown you

I'll make this known...

in your home town

Who are you?

You dare to make troubles here

Do you know the Army Commander is my customer

She is my wife

I'll sue you for abducting young woman into brothels

Get out of here

Chau-yin, Chau-yin, don't be afraid

Mistress Ku

Break the door

Chau-yin, Chau-yin Why are you that crazy?

Get me a stool. Put her down

She's strangled to death

You should die

Great Master. I know I am wrong

I know scores will finally be settled

Disciple Choi Kun-Lun commited a lot of crimes

In the duel, my hands were chopped off by the policeman

From now on, I cannot stand upright here

Great Master, I know I am wrong

My stupid child. You are back now

l, your disciple, hope you will retain me

O.K. Tomorrow I will shave your head and call you "Unrepenting Stone"

l, your disciple, beg you will retain me also

O.K. You two go to meditate against the wall

Call "Bitter Dream" to come out

Bitter Dream, have you get settled down?

Master, whenever I close my eyes

I will see I am forcing Huk-yeung to take abortion

And running towards me, she will have me to pay back her life

Unrepenting Stone, come back

You see who these two people are?

What you did in the past will have an effect on the future

What you are doing today will have an effect on the future

Love, hatred and revenges will form an endless cycle

You have to get away from this Sea of Agony. Understand?