Original subtitles

Man: OHH. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

Man: WHAT WAS THAT?

AM I UNCONSCIOUS?

NO.

I MUST BE AWAKE.

UNCONSCIOUS PEOPLE DON'T FEEL MOVEMENT.

AND THEY--THEY COULDN'T SMELL THAT PECULIAR ODOR...

SOMETHING LIKE RUBBER?

OR VINYL?

OH, NO.

THESE SENSATIONS ARE TOO...

TOO WHAT?

TOO RATIONAL FOR IT TO BE A DREAM.

ROOM 4, I THINK.

THEN WHAT IS IT?

OHH. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

WHY CAN'T I MOVE MY LIPS?

I CAN FEEL THEM, BUT...

BUT I CAN'T SPEAK.

I CAN'T MOVE AT ALL.

I'M PARALYZED.

WE'RE ROLLING.

WHAT IS THIS?

A MOVING BED?

I MUST BE IN THE HOSPITAL.

OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD,

NOT GOOD AT ALL.

ALL EXCEPT FOR THE MINOR MATTER OF BEING SCARED OUT OF MY MIND,

I FEEL NO PAIN.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

* AND I FEEL IT NOW... *

HOWARD COTTRELL.

I SCREAM, BUT NOTHING COMES OUT.

IF I'M DEAD, HOW CAN I FEEL...

YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD, HOWIE.

HOW COULD I HEAR THAT IDIOTIC MUSIC?

RUSTY! Howard: OHH.

TURN THAT OFF.

WHAT KIND OF A MESS HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

SO, MIKE, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

GENTLEMAN FROM UP NORTH.

LOOKS LIKE A HEART ATTACK.

Howard: HEART ATTACK?

MEDICAL RECORDS?

ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME?

YEAH, FROM THE COLUMBIA-PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL

IN NEW YORK CITY.

NEXT OF KIN?

SISTER.

HOW DO THEY KNOW ABOUT MY SISTER?

WELL, I'LL, UH, CALL HER WHEN WE GET THE RESULTS.

Mike: THAT'S DECENT OF YOU.

A LOT OF DOCS JUST SEND A LETTER.

YEAH. WELL, WE...

CARE FOR THE DEAD...

Howard: DEAD?

BUT WE SERVE THE LIVING

NO. WAIT. PLEASE.

DON'T LET ME BE DEAD.

I'M BREATHING, AREN'T I?

MY LUNGS AREN'T-- AREN'T CRYING FOR AIR,

SO I--I MUST BE OK, RIGHT?

EXPENSIVE HAIRCUT.

EXCEPT, IF YOU'RE DEAD, THEY--

THEY WOULDN'T BE...

EXCELLENT DENTISTRY.

OH, I SMELL CIGARETTES ON YOUR BREATH.

I-IF--IF I CAN SMELL, I-- I MUST BE BREATHING, RIGHT?

NOW, HOW MUCH WOULD A DUDE LIKE YOU BE WORTH?

DEAD LUNGS DON'T BREATHE.

DEAD LUNGS CAN SORT OF JUST TAKE IT EASY.

TELL ME, HOWIE.

IN HERE, WE'RE ALL BROTHERS.

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M BREATHING, YOU CLOWN?

OH, HE'S ALIVE.

HE'S SEEN SOMETHING. OH, GOD BLESS YOU, RUSTY.

HE'S ALIVE. IT'S A MIRACLE.

I LOVE YOU, DR. ARLEN.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YOU STOP THAT NOW, OR I'LL HAVE YOU FIRED.

WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

I'M SICK OF THIS SOPHOMORE CLASS WIT. HELP ME!

HELP ME! PLEASE!

WELL, I DIDN'T DO IT. IT WAS HOWIE.

BITE ME.

I AM A MORON.

JUST PUT A LID ON IT.

WHY IS SHE BEING SUCH A BITCH TO ME?

'CAUSE YOU ASKED FOR IT.

OH, DID I?

Howard: OH, TRAPPED INSIDE YOUR OWN MIND,

AND NOBODY KNOWS.

I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE TODAY, PETER.

AH, A GOOD SURPRISE, I HOPE.

DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORKED SATURDAYS.

Howard: SATURDAY.

LUCK OF THE DRAW, I GUESS.

TODAY IS SATURDAY. WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?

THAT'S IT. NOW I KNOW WHY I WASN'T AT THE CONVENTION.

I WAS PLAYING GOLF.

OH, YEAH.

NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY, HOWARD.

I'M ONLY UP BY ONE.

WORRY? HEH HEH HEH HEH.

I'M HOWARD COTTRELL,

KNOWN TO MY COLLEAGUES IN THE GLADIATOR PITS

WE CALL THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE

AS HOWARD THE CONQUEROR.

I TRUST ANGELA IS HAVING FUN.

SHE LOVES IT HERE. THANK YOU.

DO YOU MIND?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

HEAT LIGHTNING.

I DIDN'T DIE ON THE GOLF COURSE, DID I?

THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.

GET OUTTA HERE. I STILL GOT MY SHOT.

YOU GET ZAPPED BY LIGHTNING, PAL,

YOU'RE GOING HOME IN A ZIP-LOCK BAG

WITH A SIDE OF SOUTH CAROLINA BARBECUE SAUCE.

FEELING THREATENED, ED?

AFRAID YOUR MIGHTY ONE-STROKE LEAD

MIGHT SUDDENLY EVAPORATE?

I KNEW IT.

THE ONLY THREAT AROUND HERE IS YOUR BANANA BALL.

GO AHEAD, DOCTOR. PLAY THROUGH.

WHY, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

I'D HATE TO DROP DEAD WHEN I'M 2 UNDER PAR.

HA HA HA HA HEH. AH HEH HEH.

WHOA. EASY THERE.

DARN. YOU ALL RIGHT?

LET'S GO GET IT.

IT'S A $5.00 BALL.

OH, PLEASE.

SIGN HERE, PLEASE.

BEAR DOWN HARD.

IT'S 3 COPIES.

CAN WE SPEED UP THAT PHOTOGRAPHY?

TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS.

MY EYELIDS ARE LIKE BLINDS ON BROKEN ROLLERS.

IF I'M ALIVE, WHY DOESN'T SHE SEE MY PUPILS CONTRACT?

Rusty: ROGER THAT. I'M DYIN' FOR A SMOKE.

I KNOW WHY.

THEY DIDN'T CONTRACT.

I HIT A WIDE SHOT, AND...

HO! HO! HO!

AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

THE BALL. I WAS LOOKING FOR MY BALL.

IT'S GONE. FORGET IT.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE BUGGER.

WELL, DON'T MAKE IT AN OPERA.

JUST PICK UP THE BALL.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN MAKE THAT SHOT.

COME ON, ED. JUST LET ME PLAY MY GAME.

WHO'S STOPPING YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, ED?

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?

I'LL TELL YOU. YOU DON'T SEE THE LARGER PICTURE.

OH. ARE WE BACK ON THE MONTERO DEAL AGAIN?

WE BLEW THAT DEAL, BECAUSE AS USUAL,

YOU WERE THINKING CHEAP.

OH HO HO! I'M CHEAP? HA HA HA!

FOR THE PRICE OF A BALL, YOU PUT OUR LIVES AT RISK.

YOU ARE SUCH A WIMP.

OH... WIMP.

OH, GROW UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GO ON.

I'LL WALK BACK.

OW! DAMN IT.

WHAT NOW, COMMANDER?

WELCOME TO THE VIETNAM OF MYRTLE BEACH.

YEAH. WELL, TAKE NO PRISONERS.

AHH, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE EIGHTEENTH.

PLACE IS PROBABLY INFESTED WITH TICKS--

AAH!

HOWARD?

HOWARD.

HOWARD.

HEY! HEY, STOP!

OVER HERE!

HEY! DOCTOR! QUICK!

OVER HERE!

THIS WAY!

DOCTOR, PLEASE, MY BUDDY'S HAD A HEART ATTACK. HE--HE ISN'T MOVING.

I'M ON MY WAY.

THIS WAY. YEAH.

WHOA. WHOA.

WHOA.

GOT HIM?

WHAAH!

E-EASY, BOYS.

Ed: THIS WAY.

AH. YEAH.

AHH.

EHH.

BREATHE ON THAT, SONNY.

SMELL THAT $20 BILL.

IF I MADE IT A HUNDRED?

EH?

YEP. HE'S DEAD.

WHAT?

HEART ATTACK.

I SEEN IT BEFORE.

YOU YANKEES COME DOWN HERE

AND CAN'T TAKE THE HUMIDITY.

NO. NO, NO. THIS IS A JOKE.

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SOMEONE'S DEAD.

I JUST DID.

IS THAT THE WAY YOU CRACKERS DO IT IN THE BOONDOCKS?

EVER HEARD OF C.P.R.? THIS IS HOWARD, OK?

THIS IS MY BUDDY HOWARD,

SO PLEASE, COULD SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE?

AHH. NEW YORK, CHICAGO, OR PARIS, FRANCE,

DEAD IS DEAD, SONNY.

Howard: EXCEPT WHEN THE DECEASED IS STILL BREATHING.

THE DECEASED IS A WELL-DEVELOPED,

WELL-NOURISHED CAUCASIAN MALE.

RIGOR MORTIS IS NOT DISCERNABLE.

NO SIGNS OF A MEDICAL INTERVENTION.

INCOMPETENT MORONS.

RUSTY... OH, THIS MUST BE HELL.

WE'RE ALL OUT OF BODY DIAGRAMS.

YEAH. AM I BEING PUNISHED...

WELL, GO GET SOME. FOR EVERY BAD AND SELFISH THING I'VE EVER DONE?

I REFUSE. I WON'T GO OUT THIS WAY,

HUMILIATED BY A BUNCH OF SMALL-TOWN LOSERS.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUY?

CRAWLED OUT OF A PETRI DISH.

POOR RUSTY.

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.

PATIENT WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD BY...

WHO WAS THE ATTENDING? KAZALIAN?

IS HE STILL AROUND?

HE'S THE GUY THAT PERFORMED THE PHYSICAL ON NOAH

WHEN HE GROUNDED THE ARK ON MOUNT ARARAT.

HA!

LISTEN TO HER. SHE'S LAUGHING

WHILE THEY'RE GETTING READY TO CUT ME,

LIKE--LIKE THE FIELD AUTOPSIES I SAW IN VIETNAM.

THE BLADES SNAP THROUGH THE STERNUM.

THE RIB CAGE POPS APART.

THEY--THEY PULL OFF YOUR FACE LIKE A KID'S HALLOWEEN MASK,

AND THEN YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A...

A PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE.

I'M BEING ALLOWED TO DO THIS?

IN DR. KATIE ARLEN'S AUTOPSY ROOM?

DESPITE MY REPUTATION, I DO KNOW HOW TO SHARE.

I AM FLATTERED.

DON'T BE.

YOU'RE HOLDING THEM UPSIDE DOWN.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T HELP HIM.

I KNEW THAT.

IT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING

FROM LOOKING AT SLIDES UNDER A MICROSCOPE.

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S, UM--

I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE.

OH, IT'S TOUGH MAKING A CAREER CHANGE.

KEEPS LIFE INTERESTING.

SHUT UP AND PAY ATTENTION.

I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED.

HERE'S MY HYPOTHESIS--

I.H.S.S.,

IDIOPATHIC HYPERTROPHIC SUBAORTIC STENOSIS.

NO SYMPTOMS,

AND IT WOULDN'T SHOW UP ON PHYSICAL EXAM.

I.H.S.S.?

GOOD BET.

DOLLAR IN THE KITTY.

YOU'RE ON.

MY LEG. LOOK AT MY LEFT LEG.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE, NOT MY HEART.

I WAS BITTEN BY A SNAKE. WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

PLEASE, YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU CAN'T CUT ME UP.

HELP ME. DON'T YOU REALIZE,

i can still feel

WHY DIDN'T IT HURT?

OH. OH, I SEE.

IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.

BUT, GUYS-- GUYS, LOOK AT MY CHEST.

OH, YOU MUST--YOU MUST SEE IT RISE AND FALL,

NO MATTER HOW SHALLOW MY RESPIRATION.

YOU'RE THE DAMN EXPERTS!

OHH, THIS TABLE IS ICE-COLD.

CAN'T THEY SEE GOOSE BUMPS?

OW!

IT'S ALL WET FROM-- FROM THE JUNGLE.

OF COURSE NOT. I DON'T DO LAUNDRY.

MY SKIN IS SMOOTH AS MARBLE.

WHERE IS THE LOVEABLE RUSTY WHEN YOU NEED HIM, HUH?

OUTSIDE TORTURING SMALL ANIMALS.

HEH HEH HEH. WHAT FOR?

THE TORTURE CHAMBER'S RIGHT HERE.

WE HAVE A DARK BLUE POLO SHIRT,

SHORT SLEEVES, SIZE LARGE.

GRASS STAINS.

OTHERWISE UNREMARKABLE.

WATCH IT. OH, IF THEY SNIP ME THERE, I'LL GO INSANE.

BUT IT WON'T MATTER, BECAUSE THEY'LL KEEP ON CUTTING

LIKE IT'S ONE BIG JOKE.

BOXERS OR JOCKEYS?

IN KATIE ARLEN'S AUTOPSY ROOM,

WE DO NOT DISCUSS THE DECEASED'S UNDERWEAR,

EXCEPT IN CLINICAL TERMS.

P.A.: DR. WILKES TO UROLOGY. DR. WILKES TO UROLOGY.

JOCKEYS.

BOXERS. I MEAN, LOOK AT THE GUY.

THE JOKE'S ON YOU, SUCKERS.

WAIT'LL I GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT ONE HELL OF A LAWSUIT.

I'LL SUE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.

I'LL CRIPPLE YOU.

RED?

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

BUT IT'S NOT VALENTINE'S DAY.

JUST SAVING IT FOR YOU, ANGELA,

LIKE I SAVE ALL GOOD THINGS.

OH, HONEY.

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SURPRISE.

FOR 3 AMAZING YEARS, MY DARLING.

SO, WHAT EXACTLY IS THIS?

IT'S WHATEVER WE WANT IT TO BE.

I DEFINITELY WANT IT.

UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES,

HAVING A WOMAN DO WHAT SHE'S DOING

WOULD MAKE ME EXTREMELY HAPPY.

YOU HOLD HIM UP.

NOW I KNOW WHAT DEAD IS.

MY WEINER IS LYING THERE LIKE A STUNNED MOLE.

NO WONDER HE HAD A HEART ATTACK.

I DIDN'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

I WAS BITTEN BY A SNAKE! I'M IN GREAT SHAPE!

WHERE IS RUSTY? ALL THIS...

YOU'RE BLIND, LADY, BLIND WITH LUST.

JUST MY LOUSY LUCK.

...PISS ME OFF.

AW, HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU.

HEH.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN DOING THE AUTOPSY,

OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO JUST OBSERVE?

NO. HE'S A ROOKIE. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

WHY AM I NOT IN COLUMBIA-PRESBYTERIAN

MEDICAL CENTER IN NEW YORK CITY, WHERE DOCTORS ARE DOCTORS?

YOU WANT ME TO DO THE AUTOPSY?

YEAH. I THINK SO.

OK.

SURE.

YOU'LL ASSIST, RIGHT?

YOUR TRUSTY COPILOT.

I--I THINK IT WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT TEACHING OPPORTUNITY.

YOU BET.

PLEASE, DON'T.

PLEASE DON'T.

I--I THINK YOU'LL WANT TO START WITH THE EXTERNAL EXAMINATION.

RIGHT.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

NERVES.

WAIT. THERE IS A WAY.

A SNEEZE WILL SHOW THAT I'M ALIVE.

I CAN'T EVEN SNEEZE.

SCREWED AGAIN.

HEAD IS NORMOCEPHALIC,

COVERED BY MEDIUM-LENGTH,

SLIGHTLY GRAYING HAIR,

WITH MILD TEMPLE BALDING.

ALL THOSE HOURS AT THE GYM, AND WHAT DOES IT COME DOWN TO?

MILD TEMPLE BALDING.

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TEACHING OPPORTUNITY.

A CLEAR SCLERA.

NO PETECHIAE ON SCLERA OR...

CONJUNCTIVAE.

SO WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?

NO EVIDENCE OF ASPHYXIA.

WHAT ABOUT HEART ATTACK?

STILL A POSSIBILITY. GIVEN HIS AGE...

THINK, HOWARD. USE YOUR BRAIN.

IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S WORKING.

HOW CAN YOU GET THEIR ATTENTION?

...AND MAKE THE PRESUMPTION THAT THE EXERTION

WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE OLD GUY.

OLD? BALLS!

AND YOU WISH YOU HAD SOME.

AND I WILL BE VERY CURIOUS

TO OPEN HIS HEART AND HAVE A LOOK.

YEAH. SO AM I.

WOULD I INSULT YOU IF YOU WERE DEAD?

CHEST UNREMARKABLE.

UH, ABDOMEN MILDLY OBESE.

GENITALIA ARE THOSE OF AN ADULT UNCIRCUMCISED MALE.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THESE?

UM, MULTIPLE IRREGULAR...

I FEEL EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING DOWN THERE,

SO CUT IT OUT.

I MEAN--I MEAN, DON'T-- DON'T CUT IT OUT. JUST QUIT IT.

GET YOUR PRETTY NOSE OUT OF THERE.

...LOWER ABDOMEN, GROIN AREA.

OH, THAT'S POETRY.

SCARS FROM THE WAR.

I AM SEEING ALL KINDS OF SCRATCHES,

BUG BITES, CHIGGER BITES ON THE EXTREMITIES.

MULTIPLE ELONGATED SCRATCH-TYPE ABRASIONS

ON THE LOWER EXTREMITIES,

WITH ASSOCIATED MILD EDEMA.

Howard: THAT'S IT. IN THE VICINITY

OF THE LEFT CALF. THAT'S IT. GETTING CLOSER.

GOOD. VERY GOOD. NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.

UH, THERE ARE MOSQUITO BITES ON THE LEFT CALF

THAT LOOK INFECTED.

KEEP LOOKING. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KEEP LOOKING.

MAY WANNA DO A BIOPSY ON THAT.

ALTHOUGH IF WE'RE RIGHT ABOUT THE HEART, WE WON'T NEED TO.

UNLESS, W-WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO JUST, UH, SLICE THEM OPEN NOW?

Howard: NO! NO, DON'T!

NO. THEY'RE PRETTY CLEARLY MOSQUITO BITES.

THEY'RE NOT MOSQUITO BITES!

POSTMORTEM CHANGES ARE SURPRISINGLY MINIMAL.

GOOD COLOR. NO CONTUSIONS. NO LIVIDITY.

GUY ALMOST LOOKS LIKE HE COULD BE ALIVE.

DOESN'T HE WISH.

YES. RIGHT. I AM. I AM ALIVE.

YEAH. OK, LET'S JUST FLIP THIS PANCAKE.

STOP. YOU'RE MISSING IT. RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!

EEP! OHH!

OH, MY NOSE.

WHAT IF I SUFFOCATE LIKE THIS?

OK. OK, THIS COULD BE GOOD.

BLEED. PLEASE, BLEED.

ONLY, DON'T JUST BLEED, GUSH!

YES. YES, LET MY FACE SMACK DOWN ONTO THE TABLE LIKE A 10-TEN WEIGHT,

AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW.

NO NECK INJURIES. NO RIGOR.

PETER, YOU WIMP.

WHAT IS THAT?

SOME KIND OF CATTLE THERMOMETER?

OHH! I...

TAKE IT BACK. DEAR GOD.

AND THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY GO CRAZY WITH THE LUBRICANT.

YOU HAVE A GIFT, DR. JENNINGS.

OH, THINK OF SOMETHING, ANYTHING...

DR. ARLEN, WATCHING YOU PERFORM A ROKITANSKY DISSECTION...

THINK OF THE MOTHER OF ALL HOME RUNS.

WOULD BE AN EXPERIENCE.

IT WAS, UH, UH... I DON'T TAKE EVERYTHING OUT AT ONCE.

BUCKY DENT... I PREFER TO GO ORGAN BY ORGAN...

BUCKY DENT'S 3-RUN HOMER AGAINST THE, UH-- THE RED SOX, 1978.

UNH--OH, THE RELIEF.

THE YANKEES CLINCHED.

FOR A DEAD GUY, HE'S REMARKABLY ELEVATED.

[CHUCKLES] NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.

WELL, HERE'S YOUR DIAGRAMS.

HE'S STILL GOT HIS SHOES.

WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

YOU GOT THAT?

HMM?

OH.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT'S COMING DOWN THE PIKE.

Howard: WHAT THE HELL WILL THEY DO TO ME NOW?

DRUNKEN GUEST AT A HOTEL

OHH! GOT HIMSELF STEAMED

LIKE A CHICKEN DUMPLING IN A SAUNA.

BODY'S IN THE MEAT WAGON.

IT'S ON THE WAY.

HOW DOES A CORPSE MAINTAIN A TEMPERATURE OF 94.9 DEGREES?

IT'S A CLUE, GENIUS. PAY ATTENTION.

WELL, THEY PLUCKED HIM OFF A GOLF COURSE

ON A HOT SUMMER MORNING.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT DID HIM IN?

A VAMPIRE.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE CONSISTENT

WITH YOUR DERANGED WORLDVIEW.

NO, 2 TINY HOLES RIGHT HERE.

OH, AN ANKLE-SUCKING VAMPIRE.

WELL, EXPLAIN THE FACT THERE ARE 2 TINY HOLES OF EQUAL SIZE.

RUSTY, ARE YOU THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE?

SOCK MADE IN TAIWAN, BUDDY.

IT WAS A SNAKE!

DID YOU BLEACH THESE TOOLS?

DR. ARLEN, I KNOW MY JOB.

AND HOW COME YOU'RE LETTIN' HIM DO IT?

S-N-A-K-E. SNAKE.

P.A.: DR. ARLEN TO RADIOLOGY.

DR. ARLEN TO RADIOLOGY, PLEASE.

CARRY ON.

NO. DON'T GO.

DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE.

WELL, IT'S ALL ME.

WHAT'S ALL YOU?

THE FEMORAL STICK.

Howard: STICK?

SECOND BLOOD SAMPLE TO CROSS-CHECK

THE TOX RESULTS IN THE HEART BLOOD.

I KNOW WHAT A FEMORAL STICK IS, RUSTY.

OH, BUT HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT, DR. HOTSHOT?

Howard: NOT THAT KIND OF STICK.

YOU EVER STUCK IT TO A CORPSE?

NO. R-RUSTY?

WANT A GOOD, CLEAN VERTICAL STAB,

ONE TIME ONLY...

NO. RUSTY, WE'RE FRIENDS.

RIGHT IN THE VEIN.

RUSTY.

GAAH!

IT'S A GOOD THING THIS GUY'S FEELIN' NO PAIN.

WILL I STILL BE ALIVE

WHEN THEY CUT OUT MY HEART AND HOLD IT UP DRIPPING

BEFORE PLOPPING IT INTO THE WEIGHING PAN?

FASCINATING HOW THE TOOLS OF AUTOPSY

HAVEN'T CHANGED IN DECADES.

DON'T THEY SAY THE BRAIN REMAINS CONSCIOUS

AFTER THE HEART STOPS? FOR HOW LONG?

WE HAVE NEW TECHNOLOGY.

2 SECONDS?

YEAH, BUT BASICALLY IT'S STILL THE SAME.

5? A WHOLE MINUTE?

WELCOME TO THE DR. KATIE ARLEN SHOW.

YOU ARE DERANGED.

THERE ARE LOTS OF SECRETS IN THE AUTOPSY ROOM.

DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO SHARE, RUSTY.

P.A.: ...2387. DR. CURRY.

KNOW WHY KATIE LIKES IT HERE?

'CAUSE IT'S DOWN-AND-DIRTY.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT SIDE OF HER YET.

BUT SHE'S A BABE.

SHE'S YOUR BOSS.

AND HE'S A HUMAN BEING.

YOU SHOULD SHOW MORE RESPECT.

DESPITE YOUR BAD-BOY ACT, RUSTY,

YOU CAN'T REALLY TAKE IT, CAN YOU?

DO ME A FAVOR, DOC.

YOU'RE NOT IN A LAB ANYMORE.

SHOULD YOU FEEL A LITTLE FAINT

WHEN WE'RE PEELING OFF HIS FACE,

JUST PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN BETWEEN YOUR KNEES AND, UH, WHISTLE.

WHEN WE MAKE THAT INCISION FROM EAR TO EAR

AND PEEL OFF HIS FACE,

YOU KNOW WHAT WE'LL SEE UNDERNEATH?

YOURS.

ONE DAY, LYING ON THIS TABLE,

IT'LL BE YOU.

[WHIRS] TURN THAT OFF.

STOP FIGHTING LIKE SCHOOLCHILDREN AND LISTEN TO ME.

WELL, I NEED A HAIRCUT.

TURN THAT OFF! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

IF HE DOESN'T SLICE MY NOSE OFF,

I'LL HAVE A CHANCE.

IT'S BABY'S FIRST AUTOPSY.

WHAT AM I THINKIN'?

YOU'RE CRUISIN', BRO.

OK. I'M STILL BREATHING.

IF I CAN BREATHE, EVEN SLIGHTLY,

THEN I CAN MAKE A NOISE.

IF I CAN MAKE A NOISE, THEY'LL HEAR.

NNNNNNNNNNNN...

LET'S TURN ON THE FAN.

IT'S GETTING RIPE IN HERE.

OHH! NO, I'LL TAKE THE SMELL ANY DAY!

WHAT DO WE GOT?

NOW WHAT?

GENITALIA...

WHY ARE THEY OBSESSED WITH MY PRIVATE PARTS?

ACCORDING TO HIS MEDICAL RECORDS,

IT'S DUE TO AN ANTIPERSONNEL DEVICE

DURING HIS TOUR OF VIETNAM.

POOR GUY MUST'VE STEPPED ON A LAND MINE.

THAT SHRAPNEL'S CONSISTENT

WITH THE OLD SCARRING WE FOUND ON THE EXTERNAL EXAMINATION.

IT'S GONNA BE A CHALLENGE.

HOW SO?

WELL, WE GOTTA GET OUT ALL THOSE PIECES

AND VERIFY THAT THEY ARE SHRAPNEL FROM A WAR

AND NOT SOME NEW INJURY WHICH MIGHT HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE CAUSE OF DEATH.

Howard: THEY'RE GONNA CUT OUT EVERY SINGLE SCRAP OF SHRAPNEL?

RUSTY, GET A ME A LONG PICK...

OH, DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT, AND I'LL...

I'M ON MY BREAK.

I'LL ESTABLISH A SCHOLARSHIP, A--THE, UH...

WORKS IN AN AUTOPSY ROOM AND SMOKES HIS CIGARETTES.

THE DR. KATIE ARLEN AWARD FOR HUMANE TREATMENT.

YOU LIKE IT? PLEASE, LEAVE ME SOME DIGNITY.

NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR, WAS IT?

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU.

I TOLD YOU, I'M FINE.

IF IT WASN'T FOR LYNDON JOHNSON'S

DIRTY LITTLE ASIAN ADVENTURE,

WE WOULDN'T KEEP HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.

YOU ARE GREATER THAN THE SUM OF YOUR PARTS, MY DEAR.

YEAH. ONLY, CERTAIN PARTS HAVE A HIGHER MARKET VALUE.

LET'S WATCH THE MOVIE.

MMM. YOU EXPECT A 4-STAR ROMANCE.

YOU GET PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS.

IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME, HOWARD, AND I'M STILL HERE.

I'M CONTINUALLY AMAZED.

WHY? I LOVE YOU.

AND I LOVE YOU.

I GUESS DEEP DOWN, I'M JUST AFRAID

THAT ONE DAY, YOU'RE GONNA RUN OFF

WITH SOME 250-POUND WEIGHT-LIFTING

FOOTBALL PLAYER STUD WHO'S HUNG LIKE A HORSE

AND HAS IMPREGNATED THOUSANDS OF WOMEN WITH HIS MANLY SEED

THAT TRAVELS AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

YOU ARE EVERYTHING I NEED.

OR HAVEN'T I MADE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR?

SPELL IT OUT FOR ME.

IT CAN'T BE.

IT JUST CAN'T BE.

STRANGELY ENOUGH, NOBODY SEEMS TO HAVE

ANY IDEA WHERE THE GOLF CLUBS WENT.

THEY COULD STILL BE IN THE AMBULANCE

OR IN THE CORONER'S

OR ALREADY CHECKED IN TO THE SYSTEM.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

WHAT THE HELL SYSTEM IS THAT, ANYWAY?

NO, THIS IS COLLEEN AT THAT EXTENSION.

I'VE SEEN NO CHARTS.

HOWARD BOUGHT THOSE CLUBS IN SCOTLAND.

I WAS WITH HIM. WE PLAYED 7 COURSES IN 5 DAYS.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS, ANGELA.

WE ARE NOT LEAVING THIS PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A HOSPITAL

UNTIL WE FIND THEM.

WHO CARES ABOUT THE GOLF CLUBS?

ANGELA.

ANGELA. ANGELA.

Man: HELLO.

Woman: HOPE HE IS DONE.

I'LL NEED YOU TO GO BACK FOR SOME...

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WHO WAS HOWARD COTTRELL?

HOW DID THAT MICROSECOND IN VIETNAM CHANGE HIS LIFE?

THAT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS HERE.

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT HIM.

GOOD-LOOKING, SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN

DIES A THOUSAND MILES FROM HOME ON A GOLF COURSE.

ALL WE CARE ABOUT IS WHAT CAUSED HIM TO DIE,

NOT OUR PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY.

INTERESTING HOW A BODY SPEAKS TO US ABOUT A LIFE LIVED.

Howard: DAMN RIGHT, JUNIOR,

AND IT'S A LIFE WORTH SAVING.

ALMOST LOST IT ONCE,

BUT HOWARD THE CONQUEROR CAME BACK,

HALF THE MAN, BUT TWICE THE FORTITUDE,

AND I'M NOT GIVING UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.

TAKE IT EASY.

ANGELA.

YOU SEE THIS RING?

WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

THE LAST THING I SAID TO HIM WAS, "OH, GROW UP."

WE CAN'T BRING HIM BACK.

I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

WELL, YOU CAN SAY GOOD-BYE.

HEY, DOC. AT THE FUNERAL.

WE'LL HAVE THE BIGGEST FUNERAL THE STOCK EXCHANGE HAS SEEN

SINCE THE DOT-COM DISASTER.

P.A.: MRS. PATAKI, COME TO NURSING STATION 3 WEST.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THAT'S WHERE HOWARD IS RIGHT NOW.

HE'S IN THE MORGUE.

WE CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT.

COME ON. LET'S SIT DOWN.

COME ON.

IS THAT THAT GUY'S STUFF THAT JUST ROLLED IN?

HOWARD COTTRELL, YEAH.

FIFTY-FIFTY?

IT'S THE DECEASED'S PERSONAL PROPERTY, DUDE.

WELL, HOW MUCH YOU THINK A SET OF CLUBS LIKE THAT IS WORTH?

NOTHING TO YOU.

THOSE CLUBS ARE NO GOOD TO HOWIE.

HIS THINGS BELONG IN THE VAULT,

AND THAT'S WHERE THEY GO.

WHY THESE HACKERS NEED A BIG TOUR BAG IS BEYOND ME.

CHIP SHOT.

5 BUCKS SAYS I CAN GET THAT CAN ON TOP OF THE GURNEY.

OH! STOP FOOLIN' AROUND.

SNAKE! SNAKE!

AAAH!

UHH!

HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!

THIS MAD CHARADE IS COMING TO AN END.

I'LL NEVER SEE ANGELA AGAIN,

ALL BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE CAN'T SEE WITH THEIR EYES.

TO MAKE THE INITIAL "Y" INCISION,

WE'LL EXTEND FROM THE FRONT OF THE SHOULDERS

TO THE XIPHOID PROCESS...

SHE'S GIVING HIM AN ANATOMY LESSON NOW.

AT THIS LATE STAGE, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

DO IT. MAKE IT MERCIFUL AND QUICK.

DR. ARLEN.

YES?

CAN I CALL YOU KATIE?

PLEASE.

KATIE, I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE MY HYPOTHESIS.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, WE HAVE A BODY WITHOUT A MARK ON IT,

AND WE KNOW THE DECEASED WAS PLAYING GOLF,

AND, WELL, A METAL CLUB ACTS AS A...

AS AN ANTENNA FOR ELECTRICITY.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN...

Both: STRUCK BY LIGHTING.

I'D RATHER GO UP IN A FLASH

THAN LIE HERE LIKE THIS.

HOW LONG CAN I STARE INTO THE WHITE LIGHT OF MY OWN DEATH?

VERY OFTEN, THERE'S A...

HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE?

YES. NO. STOP. GO. BRANCHING DISCOLORATION ON THE CHEST...

I'M FREEZING, INVISIBLE.

TO THEM, I'M JUST A USED-UP BODY.

I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN ANYONE WHO SUCCUMBED.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE?

YES, I CAN.

SURROUNDED BY SO-CALLED EXPERTS...

GO AHEAD.

BUT TOTALLY ALONE.

GO AHEAD?

GO AHEAD WITH THE, UH-- WITH THE INCISION.

SOMEBODY HELP!

Man: SECURITY. WE'RE HERE.

WELL, WHAT IN THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG?!

IS ANYBODY HURT?

MY BUDDY'S DEAD, BEEN BIT BY A SNAKE.

IT'S STILL IN HERE.

HANG ON. WE'RE WORKING ON THE DOOR.

HURRY UP!

GET THAT KNIFE AWAY FROM ME, YOU WIMP!

YOU'RE NOT FIT TO END MY LIFE. I WANT A PRO.

AH, YOU KNOW, UM...

I SEEM TO BE HAVING A PROBLEM.

MAY I HELP YOU?

WHEN YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF AUTOPSIES,

YOU TEND TO JUST GO ZIP, ZIP, ZIP.

BUT WHEN YOU'VE NEVER DONE ONE,

YOU TEND TO GO...

EEK, EEK, EEK.

NO, NO, NO.

DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THAT HOWARD HAD HEART PROBLEMS?

NO.

HE WAS HEALTHY AS A HORSE,

KEPT IN SHAPE, ATE RIGHT.

WE WERE IN LOVE.

YOU WERE THE JOY OF HIS LIFE.

AT LEAST HE HAD THAT FOR A WHILE.

I WANNA SEE HIM.

PUT THAT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

HE'S ALL ALONE.

WE HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT HOWARD IS AT PEACE.

Security: HEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Rusty: SOMEBODY HELP!

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HELP!

DOING THE BEST WE CAN.

YOU KNOW, I SEEM TO BE HAVING A BIT OF A PROBLEM, TOO.

SPARED, BUT FOR HOW LONG?

YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE YOU'VE--

YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS ROTATION, I-- I DON'T KNOW.

EVERY TIME WE'RE ALONE IN THIS ROOM TOGETHER,

I--I CAN BARELY CONCENTRATE. I...

LUCKILY YOU CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES WITH DEAD PEOPLE.

OTHERWISE...

OH, YOU WACKY JOKESTER. WHAT A STITCH.

WHAT CAN I SAY? I...

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

HEH.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD ADVICE, DON'T YOU THINK?

"THIS PLACE IS WHERE DEATH

REJOICES IN TEACHING THOSE WHO LIVE."

PETER, WE...

WE CAN'T.

WE CAN'T. I MEAN...

MAYBE IT WOULD BE GOOD--

WELL, ASTONISHING FOR A WHILE,

BUT WE GOTTA WORK TOGETHER, AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, WE JUST--

JUST...

WHAT IF...

WE ENJOY IT?

LOVE IN BLOOM. HOW COULD IT GET ANY WORSE?

TRY SOMETHING WEIRD WITH ME, I'LL GO PUBLIC.

WHO SAYS THE DEAD CAN'T SPEAK?

GUHH!

NO MORE!

NO MORE!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE, FELLA?

WE GOT IT?

NEARLY DO.

HELP!

WE GOTTA SPEED IT UP.

THAT GENTLEMAN WHO GOT STEAMED IN THE SAUNA'S

ON HIS WAY, AND WE'RE BEHIND SCHEDULE.

Howard: I CAN FEEL A CHANGE IN THE AIR.

OH. I'LL TRY AGAIN.

THEY'RE SERIOUS NOW.

SURE. GO AHEAD.

IT'S COMING, THE END OF HOWARD COTTRELL.

IT WON'T HURT FOR LONG. MY BODY WILL GO INTO SHOCK.

YOU MISSED THIS-- MISSED THIS WOUND.

I'LL LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS.

SOME BLAST WOUND.

I WON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M DEAD, WILL I?

HMM. THIS IS VERY INTERESTING.

WHAT HAS MY LIFE BEEN ABOUT?

IN THE GREAT PASSAGE OF TIME,

I'VE MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

PLEASE, FORGIVE ME, ANYONE I'VE HURT.

WHEN I'M GONE, REMEMBER ME WITH COMPASSION.

I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER.

I'M READY FOR THE SOUL'S LAST VOYAGE INTO SILENCE.

TESTES MUST HAVE SWOLLEN DAMN NEAR TO THE SIZE OF GRAPEFRUITS.

EXCEPT--OHH.

HMM. LUCKY HE DIDN'T LOSE 'EM.

OH. SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.

GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE...

OH, WHAT A FEELING.

OUT OF HELL AND STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN.

SNAKE BIT HIM.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, HE WENT DOWN LIKE-- LIKE A TON OF CEMENT.

NO PULSE, NO HEARTBEAT. HE'S GONE.

THIS MAN ISN'T DEAD.

HE'S NOT DEAD?

NOPE.

HE'LL MAKE IT JUST FINE.

WELL, MY GOSH, THAT'S AMAZINGLY GREAT.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY. HERE YOU GO.

HEY! ARE YOU OK OR--

ANGELA.

ANGELA.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

EXCUSE ME! WAIT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

CIVILIANS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR MY FIANC?

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE DISTRAUGHT.

IS YOUR FIANCÉ|A DOCTOR?

NO. HE'S DEAD.

HER HAND IS STILL ON ME.

UH-OH.

OH. SOMETHING'S REALLY HAPPENING.

BUT MAYBE I'M WRONG.

I MUST BE WRONG,

OR--OR HE WOULD SEE IT, OR...

THIS COULD BE THE RESULT OF SURGERY.

OR SHE WOULD FEEL IT.

OH, MY.

MIKE WAS BITTEN BY A SNAKE.

RUSTY, YES! YES!

THERE WAS A SNAKE IN THIS GUY'S GOLF BAG.

SING IT, RUSTY! TELL IT LIKE IT IS!

IS THAT HIM?

HOWARD?! YES, MA'AM.

ANGELA, CALM DOWN. NO, MA'AM.

HOWARD! MY HOWARD!

Howard: IT'S ANGELA! WHAT IS THAT?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S A MIRACLE. ANGELA!

NO. WAIT. DON'T CUT INTO HIM.

LOOK AT HIS SOCKS.

SOCKS?

LISTEN TO MY MAN RUSTY.

HE'S TELLIN' THE TRUTH.

HOWARD! ANGELA! LET HER IN!

HOWARD! HOWARD!

Nurse: I KNOW YOU'RE DISTRAUGHT.

THERE ARE 2 LITTLE DEFECTS IN THE UPPER MARGIN.

THOSE AREN'T DEFECTS. THEY'RE FANG MARKS.

SHOW 'EM, RUSTY! 2 HOLES.

IF THEY CAN'T SEE IT NOW, I'M DOOMED.

SEEMS LIKE THERE'S BLOOD AROUND THEM.

Rusty: HE WAS BITTEN BY A SNAKE.

THROUGH THE SOCK.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HIS LEG.

Howard: SNAKE BITE. SNAKE BITE 101!

WE DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE OF THE SWELLING

CAUSED BY THE SCRATCHES, BUT THERE THEY ARE.

Howard: OH. DR. ARLEN...

2 TINY PUNCTURE WOUNDS...

DON'T STOP NOW.

MIKE WAS BIT BY A SNAKE, TOO...

ONE--ONE LAST CHANCE...

HE WASN'T BREATHING.

TO PROVE THAT I AM AND REMAIN FULLY OPERATIONAL!

OH, MY.

OH, ANGELA.

THAT'S A SEMI.

A SEMI?

HOWARD THE CONQUEROR RISES FROM THE DAMNED.

DID YOU EVER DOUBT IT, EVEN FOR A SECOND?

IT ISN'T. I MEAN, IT CAN'T BE. I'M BACK!

HE'S DEAD. BOY, AM I BACK!

DANG, DR. ARLEN. YOU'RE...

STROKIN' HIM BACK TO LIFE.

AAH!

DR. ARLEN, YOU HOTTIE.

THAT'S NOT A SEMI.

THAT'S NOT IN THE LITERATURE.

IT'S--JUST CAN'T BE POSSIBLE.

I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T HAVE THE...

NEUROLOGICAL COMPETENCE.

UNLESS...

OH, THANK GOD.

THANK GOD.

I'LL BE A BETTER PERSON.

ANGELA, MY LOVE, I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

YOU ARE THE BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD.

I'LL BUILD YOU A NEW WING.

I TOLD YA.

I'LL BUILD YOU A BRAND-NEW HOSPITAL!

A CHAIN OF HOSPITALS ACROSS AMERICA!

Dr. Arlen: CODE BLUE IN THE AUTOPSY ROOM.

CODE BLUE.

GOT IT? I GOT IT.

GET THE DOOR, PLEASE.

USE THIS.

WE GOT IT.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

SOMEONE DIE IN THERE?

WHERE'S THE PATIENT?

HIM.

HIM?

ALL RIGHT

OK, I GOT THE LEADS.

WELL, THE REST OF HIM LOOKS DEAD, RIGHT?

CRASH CART PREPARED.

YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.

Howard: THANK YOU. A REAL DOCTOR,

A DOCTOR WHO WON'T KILL A DEAD PATIENT.

YEP. THERE'S A HEARTBEAT.

BARELY, BUT IT'S THERE.

I AM GOOD.

WE JUST SAW AN ORDERLY IN THE SAME SITUATION.

HE WAS BITTEN BY SOME KIND OF A VIPER THEY FOUND IN THE ELEVATOR.

OXYGEN. I MEAN, WE SURE GOT WATER MOCCASINS, RATTLESNAKES AROUND HERE.

NOBODY'S EVER SEEN A SNAKE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

HANG ON. HOLD ON. NO, NO, NO. HE'S STARTIN' TO COME OUT OF IT.

TAKE IT EASY. NOT TOO FAST, BUDDY.

HOW DID WE MISS THIS?

I ALMOST CUT INTO A LIVING PERSON.

ALMOST DOESN'T COUNT.

HEY, HEY, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. LIE DOWN.

OHH.

TAKE IT EASY. EASY NOW.

EASY.

THEY SAID YOU WERE DEAD,

BUT YOU CAME BACK AGAINST ALL ODDS.

HOWARD, MY CONQUERING HERO,

OH, HONEY.

OH, HONEY.