Original subtitles

So, that's our show. Thanks for watching

"Murphy in the Morning," and remember,

if we can get up this early,

so can you.

And we're clear.

I must've been out of my mind

to agree to do another morning show.

My internal clock is so off,

I never know what time it is.

You think you're the only one having trouble adjusting?

I'll never meet a woman working these crazy hours.

You know, Frank, you should try that dating app

Silver Singles.

I hear that if you swipe left,

it means you're not interested,

but if you swipe right,

it means you can drive after dark.

Great show, everyone!

Really, Murphy? Pajamas again?

Consider yourself lucky, Miles.

I heard that in the last few years of his show,

Charlie Rose didn't even wear pants.

You know,

maybe you should set your alarm a few minutes early

so you're not in such a rush in the morning.

I schedule my time so that I can grab

every last possible ounce of sleep.

I brush my teeth in the car,

I spit out the window on Wisconsin Avenue,

which was a blue state that turned red,

so it's also kind of a statement.

Guys, guys.

Quick reminder, with all these high-tech monitors,

you may not always realize when you're on the air.

So, try to keep the open-mouth yawning to a minimum.

Frank.

Why are you singling me out?

A viewer tweeted this screenshot at 7:30 a.m.

You should really be brushing your tongue, Frank.

Look at the bright side.

Your social-media presence has expanded

across all platforms.

Just a matter of time before you can monetize that.

Really? How much we talking about?

Enough to keep you from stealing

those little boxes of cereal from the break room.

You know, I didn't say anything when you took

that case of printer paper

or the batteries out of the remotes.

But touch my Froot Loops,

and you and I have a problem.

I don't know if I like that kid.

Get used to him. Without Pat,

none of this works.

And he showed me how to block my parents on Facebook.

So, who's up for Phil's? My treat.

What's the occasion? No occasion.

I'm just thrilled that we're all back together again,

and I love my new condo at the Watergate.

Though the other day,

I misplaced my keys and had to...

break in.

Come on.

Oh, guys, I'll be with you in two minutes.

I just have some copy changes

to make for tomorrow.

Ms. Brown,

I'm Addie Abrams, your new assistant.

H-How did I know you were going to say that?

And do I detect the unmistakable aroma

of last night's tequila?

You just got a call from a guy named...

Arnie. Ernie. Andy?

His voice was super loud.

I think he'll call back.

Also, there was another call

from a woman...

about a thing...

- from a country. - Oh.

It's big.

They're into sauerkraut.

Germany?!

Angela Merkel returned my call?

That's it.

I'm gonna need you to be a little quieter.

Oh!

No. False alarm.

Anyone got any gum?

So, Miguel Gonzales,

you are interested in the exciting, fast-paced world

of the restaurant business.

You know how to put out a grease fire?

My parents run a food truck,

so believe me, I've seen it all.

And I see you're in college.

You kids, you love your beer pong and toga parties.

How do I know you'll show up for work?

I need the money.

I have a scholarship, but

it doesn't cover everything.

I still have to pay for things like books, meals,

the border wall.

Oh, great, so you guys are gonna pay for that?

Not that I want it. I just don't want to pay for it.

We'll climb over it anyway.

But not me 'cause I'm DACA.

So, you're a Dreamer? Me too...

as in I never dreamed I'd be doing this.

What, talking to a Mexican?

No. Running a restaurant.

I inherited this place from my late brother.

As it turns out, I'm not a natural behind the bar.

People sit down and unload.

They got fired, their mistress got a lawyer,

they're under indictment for collusion with a foreign government.

Please.

I have my own problems.

I can tell.

Your ketchups are unmarried.

What?

Your ketchup bottles, they're half-empty.

But if you marry them at night when you close up...

next day, it's like you have brand-new botles.

So, you put them together every night?

'Cause I was married four times, and that's not really

a fair representation of what happens.

This better not be the health inspector.

We're closed! Come back at 11:00.

- Hey, Phyllis! - Hey, hey, hey!

For crying out loud,

LeBron would have an easier time

getting into Mar-a-Lago.

- We're starving. - Come on.

Fine, fine, but you have to take your own chairs off the tables,

and, uh, you might have to marry some ketchups.

It's not as fun as it sounds.

All right, look alive.

Those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves.

They haven't in the last four days, anyway.

Thanks. You won't regret this.

Phyllis.

How's the shrimp gumbo?

Tastes a lot like the burger.

Looks a lot like it, too.

Oh, my God,

the nerve of some people.

Don't they know you're closed?

I'm gonna start adding a cover charge.

Hi, Phyllis.

- There you are. - Hey!

Well, look who it is...

Our morning-show competition.

You can sit with us, but just this once.

Yeah, we don't usually mingle with people

from The Wolf Network.

Especially when their ratings are getting

a little too close to ours.

It seems like just yesterday I was changing your diaper.

Well, in a few years, Uncle Frank,

I'll be happy to return the favor.

- Dude. - Dude.

- Dude! - Hey!

So, how's everything going?

How are things over at the old Wolf Network,

or as I like to call it,

the Ministry of Propaganda?

Yes, everything is just fine, thank you.

They're still playing nice with their token liberal,

but get this... so, as I've been doing my show,

I've been all over the country

and I've gotten a real earful from a lot of people

about a bunch of topics, and I started thinking,

"Why shouldn't the average American

be able to be represented

in the White House Press Briefing room?"

So, I pitched the idea to Wolf,

and they gave me their seat at tomorrow's press conference.

- No, they didn't. - So great!

- You're kidding! - Oh, my gosh.

Try to contain your excitement, Mother.

I am excited for you.

I... This is a huge step in your career.

It's just that with this particular White House,

press briefings are a colossal waste of time.

Mm.

You sure you're not saying that because

you've been banned from the White House?

Again?

For getting into a Twitter war with the president.

It was a series of verbal skirmishes...

which I won.

You can joke about it, but we're a new show,

and we are at a real disadvantage

not having a presence in that briefing room.

It hurts our credibility.

Miles, there's no point in going over this.

She's never gonna get back into that room.

Hey, if I wanted to, I could.

Oh, good luck with that.

I hear they're selling "wanted" posters of you

in the White House gift shop.

You know, if I did get back in there,

I would ask a question

that would blow the roof off that place.

Easy to say when you can't get

under the roof to ask it.

So, Avery, what is this question you're gonna ask

tomorrow at the White House?

Well, the number-one issue

for most of the people that I've talked to

is the cost of healthcare,

so I'm gonna ask what the government is doing

to bring down prices of prescription drugs.

That's an excellent question,

but do you think you're going to get

"the government" to give you a straight answer?

And how do you know Sarah Huckabee Sanders

will even call on you?

Oh, she'll call on me.

What is that weird twinkle thing

you're doing with your eye?

I just ran into her a lot on the campaign trail,

and we developed a kind of, uh, rapport.

Are you saying she has a crush on you?

I'm not saying anything.

But she did call me last night to tell me she likes my show.

- Sarah?! - Huckabee Sanders?!

Do you know what room she called from?

D-Did you hear any ambient sound?

Splashing water,

sound of a loofah

gently exfoliating a comely shoulder?

Oh, my God, Miles,

are you fantasizing about Sarah Huckabee Sanders?

Occasionally.

I have a thing for domineering women.

It started with my Hebrew school teacher,

Estelle Fink.

She had a smokey eye and a sneer I found arousing at 13.

I-I've said too much.

Okay.

Well, I just stopped by to share the news.

Mom, you can tune into the briefing tomorrow

at the White House and live through me vicariously.

- Ha, ha. - I'll see you, guys.

- All right. - Way to go, Avery.

- Thanks. - Good luck, buddy.

I could get back into that room

if I wanted to. I know people.

It wouldn't be that hard.

White House Communications Office?

Hi, this is Murphy Brown calling for Don Fitzgerald.

Yes, of course he knows me.

I need to renew my press credentials.

Well, when was he fired?

Okay, then transfer me to Denise West.

She quit?

Okay, uh, can you try Clark Prescott?

In a shallow grave?

Well, how long do you think you have?

This wig is working out really well, Murphy.

I got it from my cousin Jesse.

He owns a mortuary.

It'd be a sin to bury a good wig.

I thought I smelled formaldehyde.

It's called Cadaver No. 5.

Okay.

Let's go over this one more time.

The briefing starts at 3:00 p.m.

on the dot.

At 2:45, Murphy approaches the West Wing guard house

with the forged credentials.

The guard on duty is...?

- Roy. - No.

It's Cliff.

Cliff!

- Where did you get Roy? - Who knows?

Once you've got Cliff all softened up,

you flash your fake credentials

and you're on your way.

We're all on our way...

to hell.

I can't believe you talked me into doing this!

Trespassing on White House grounds is a felony!

What kind of executive producer am I?!

The small, sweaty kind who makes everybody nervous.

Okay.

All clear outside.

Oh, wow.

I envy you, Murph.

There is nothing I love more than going undercover.

I wish I could put on a dress

and sneak into that briefing room now.

You could, Frank.

You're still shaving your legs, right?

Because I swim!

Just when everything in my life was going so well,

now we're all gonna get arrested and thrown in jail.

I'll be tried, sentenced, put behind bars.

Next thing you know, I'm Bernie Madoff's bitch!

Okay, I've got it...

Murphy's fake press credentials.

This is so cool!

I mean, if this van comes with a futon

and a month's supply of ramen,

I'm giving my six roommates notice tonight.

Here you go.

Okay, so I'm going undercover

as a reporter for...

Le Monde, and my name is...

Cosette Peugeot?

I knew you spoke French, so...

Cosette, Frank?

Where did I get my journalism degree?

The Jean Valjean Academy of Stolen Bread?

And "Peugeot"?!

I don't know a lot of French words!

You should be glad I came up with "Peugeot."

You were almost "Cosette Le Pew."

Time to go, Murphy.

If you run into trouble, we're right here.

And remember... you're fully wired,

so we'll be able to hear everything.

Including trapped gas, full disclosure.

Go with God, Cosette.

Au revoir.

I'm coming up to the guard house.

I don't see anybody inside.

- Are you serious? - Wait.

There's a note on the window.

It says...

"Back in five"?!

It's no time for jokes, Murphy!

I'm not joking!

Oh, my God!

What is it? Is everything okay?

The gate's open.

Open? What do you mean "open"?

I mean the opposite of closed, Miles.

No guard, and the gate is open.

This country is so screwed.

Okay, I'm right outside the briefing room.

Bonjour, monsieur.

J'espere que cette arme n'est pas chargee.

All right, it's au revoir, Cosette.

As I've said repeatedly on legal matters

dealing with the Meuller investigation,

I refer you to the president's outside counsel.

Next question.

I see we have some new faces here today.

Avery, I look forward to taking your question,

but, uh, I think I'll save the best for last.

Welcome.

Next question.

Fred.

Thanks for taking my question.

You've got to be kidding me.

A-Actually, I said "Fred."

That's so weird. I heard "Murphy."

Uh, I don't know how you got in here,

but it's inappropriate.

April.

Excuse me.

If you really want to talk about what's inappropriate,

how about the way you do your job?

- Uh-oh. - Game on.

The role of the White House Press Secretary

is to create transparency in the government

and tell the American people the truth,

but that's not what happens in this room.

Whether it's about a meeting with Russians in Trump Tower

or a made-up mandate that requires separation

between parents and their children at the border,

it all comes down to the same thing,

so here's my question...

Why do you lie?

I think that's an absolutely ridiculous question.

- Wow. - She used the "L" word.

Excuse me. And how demoralizing is it

for us to be called the enemy of the people?

I mean, how do we go back to our newspapers

and our magazines and our networks knowing that

the most basic principle of journalistic integrity...

To report the facts...

Is totally out of reach?

If we can't get to the truth,

why are we even here?

I say we get up and walk out right now.

Let's show this administration

we're not gonna take it anymore.

Come on, let's go!

Look, I know a lot of what I've said here

has to resonate with you.

I know a lot of you...

personally.

Some better than others.

Maybe I don't know you as well as I thought I did.

Well, well, well.

You are "well, well" -ing me?

If anyone's earned the right

to "well, well" today, I have.

I am the well-weller.

Of all the days to crash the White House...

you pick my first press briefing?

- Way to go, Mom. - Don't worry.

There'll be others. No, that's not the point.

I didn't get to ask my question.

After you left, she pretty much shut the party down.

You know, when you get an idea in your head,

you get so obsessed

that you become blind to everything else...

Logic, common sense,

maternal instinct...

Out the window.

Somebody had to say what everyone was thinking.

You should've cheered me on...

but you left me hanging there with the rest of them,

the rest that I didn't potty train.

What was I supposed to do?!

Hitch up my short pants and grab my mommy's apron strings?

You should have backed me up.

You're my son.

You know,

it wasn't always easy

growing up in the shadow of the great Murphy Brown.

I need to forge my own way.

When I am in that press room, I am not your kid.

I am a reporter. I am there to do a job...

To fight the good fight.

You know, a lot of those reporters in there

probably agreed with you today.

Hell, I agreed with you,

but if we all stormed out in protest,

what would we be left with?

The ones who drank the Kool-Aid

and the president's unhinged Twitter feed.

"Journalists are the only real firewall

between power-hungry politicians

and the people they're elected to serve."

Someone told me that once.

Yeah, who?

Oh, I don't know. Some French gal.

I want to say...

Culotte?

"Culotte" is a French word

that means "really ugly pants."

Maybe you were right not to follow me out that door,

and maybe...

I-I don't say this very often, but...

I-I'm sorry.

Pardon?

You're going to make me say it again?

Just want to save it for posterity.

Fine.

I'm sorry.

Sounded even better the second time.

Scooch.

Last time you ran away,

all you took was a Harry Potter lunch box full of Go-Gurt.

I'm not running away.

I've got a flight at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow.

I'm doing a remote to talk to farmers about tariffs.

What, you really thought I was moving out?

No!

No. I mean, you'd be crazy to.

Where else would you find such cheap rent?

Good night, Mom.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

How do you like my new ringtone?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm...

Hi, Sarah.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -