Original subtitles

Shall only poor people tell jokes?

It is also true I give out many bracelets.

But I must.

They expect bracelets.

You say I am vain.

No.

If I were vain, I would refuse to give bracelets.

I would say you must love me for my charming smile.

But is it ever possible to love a rich man for his smile?

Look. You. Yourself.

Whenever you speak to me, you say "sir." "Sir," "sir," "sir."

You respect me so much, Mr. Coffman?

Obviously not. It is my money you salute.

- That is true, isn't it? - Yes, it is.

But of course. It is always true.

Except in one person.

Only that girl has ever spoken to me...

Not to my money, not to my name...

but to me.

And I do not intend to lose her.

Oh, I hope you don't.

Oh, I deeply hope you don't.

There is a job here... for an honest man.

Thank you, sir.

I wasn't addressing your money that time.

I'll see you in the morning.

And...

for your wife.

- To forgive me for keeping you so late. - Oh!

Now, don't tell me I am buying your approval.

I am.

But one can only give what one has,

and I give you that.

Get in early. There will be a lot to do.

I want my wife to be wonderful.

I have to find a way to put a lot of money in that show.

Your wife?

Hey there, now!

So when Mr. Welch here mentioned that he'd like to invest in a show,

I said to myself, "I've seen part of Burton's show and I think it's very good."

So as long as he has the bug to take a flyer anyway,

why, I thought I'd bring you two together.

Well, I'm flattered you like the show well enough...

to recommend your friend putting money in it.

But I'm not sure we can use any additional money.

Is that so?

Yes. We're fully financed.

However, there may be... I'm just saying there may be...

some small share of backing still open.

I'll have to go over the books.

And if there is, well, you can have it.

That's very kind of you.

May I speak frankly?

- Yes, of course. Go right ahead. - I like you.

I like the notion of a retired merchant like you...

being interested in show business.

That's why I'm letting you in.

I see.

Now, um, may I speak frankly?

- Go right ahead. - Thank you.

I've been horse trading across a desk like this for the last 30 years,

and in all that time, I don't think I've ever come across anyone...

quite as bad at it as you.

You're just awful.

I beg your pardon?

Let me give you a sample of frankness.

Not only aren't you fully financed, Mr. Burton,

but you're faced with having to get together a year's theater rent in advance.

You foolishly...

You foolishly mortgaged your home and you can't raise any more money.

And if I were to wait another 10 days,

I could pick up your theater for nothing and probably your house as well.

That's frankness. Please close your mouth, young man. Now then... Thank you.

Now then, because I like you,

I am prepared to finance your show entirely...

and take only 51 percent.

Then you'll have control.

Of course I will.

I never dream of putting any money into anything unless I have complete control.

I urge you to accept this offer, Mr. Burton.

It's very generous.

You want to know something? It is.

You're smarter than I thought, Mr. Burton.

I'll read it after I sign it.

I've got 51 percent of the show.

Complete control.

Hold it, kids.

Hold it.

Hold it, kids.

Gather round. Everybody. Come on. Gather round.

Which one's the bride?

She's not around.

You know, I can't believe it. I didn't think he'd ever get married.

- I'd given up. - Hmm.

- What? - There.

Now, gather in. And you. Come on in. John, you.

Ooh. There'll be children. Lots of children.

Coffman, there's a bonus in this for you if they get married.

And double if there's a baby.

A boy.

I'll do whatever I can, sir.

I know you've heard the rumor that I've been having money troubles.

Well, it was true... Was true.

I have here a cashier's check...

for more than enough money to open this show.

I won't tell you how much, because you'll come around asking for raises.

And I would like to take this occasion...

to introduce my new partner, Mr. George Welch,

a retired merchant interested in show business.

Mr. Welch? Your grateful company.

All right, clear the stage.

That doesn't mean anything, sir.

People in show business are always throwing their arms around each other.

They're very exuberant.

Why can't she be exuberant with Jean-Marc, for heaven's sake?

"Specialization."

Let's take it from the bridge, boys.

Hold it! Hold it.

You know what might be cute if it didn't spoil the mood?

When she sings about him, let him go, "Cock-a-doodle-doo."

Yeah, that's very funny, Oliver.

Go on. Go "Cock-a-doodle-doo."

Go on.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

No, no, no. Like a real rooster. You know...

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Like that.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Again.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

No, louder. Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Like that.

- Like that? - Yeah.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

That's very good. We'll keep it in.

Practice that at home. All right, kids.

Get your costumes on, and we'll try the whole number from the top.

Dress rehearsal. All doubles on stage.

Dress rehearsal. Come on, kids. Let's go, huh?

Let's pick up on the cues faster, shall we?

"Specialization."

I specialize.

Jean-Marc Clement a rooster. His father's turning in his grave.

You are damn right it's no good.

I didn't count on looking that ridiculous.

He's got all the jokes, and I'm going "Cock-a-doodle-doo."

You take his jokes and let him go cock-a-doodle-doo.

- How about firing him? - No, no. That would upset her.

You'll never impress her by being a rooster...

unless she's a chicken.

You know, there are definite ways to attract women.

When you're 10 years old, they like it if you walk on your hands for 'em.

When they're older, they like other things,

best of all if you're rich.

Jean-Marc, tell her who you are. You'll be engaged within 15 minutes.

Oh, perhaps that's just what you're afraid of.

Perhaps I am. A little.

My dear boy, nobody's loved for themselves alone.

You're loved for what you can do. If she could see you as I have...

holding the floor at a directors' meeting for an entire afternoon,

trying to persuade a nervous $10 million to invest in a project.

Then she'd be impressed. She might even fall in love with you.

That's you.

No, George, that's my power.

That is five generations of money.

That is a billionaire.

But it is not me.

And this girl, I want to fall in love with me.

At the moment, she's admiring Tony Danton.

She's kissing Tony Danton, and I'll tell you...

There's no big mystery about human attraction.

She'll go on admiring him, she'll go on kissing him, and they'll fall in love.

And you, with a billion dollars in your pocket,

can go cock your doodle-doo till you grow feathers.

Every man to his own battlefield, my boy.

On this one, you haven't got a prayer.

Unless...

Unless I get stronger ammunition.

- What do you mean? - It's only bought for him.

People write his jokes,

and not the best, because that show can't afford the best.

But I can.

Do you have any ideas or suggestions?

Not offha... Oh.

Well, we do own a large block of stock in NBC, don't we?

Now let me think. Our... Our two men there are Comstock and Yale.

They both hold key positions on the board.

- Tell them I want a teacher. - What?

Tell them to get me the greatest comedian in the world.

That's very flattering, but I can think of many greater comedians than myself.

For instance, there's, uh...

There's, um...

Or...

You know, maybe you're right.

Mr. Berle, I want you to give serious consideration to my offer.

Oh, I have. This is a very, very generous offer,

but as Mr. Comstock and Mr. Yale will tell you,

I'm under a long-term contract to the network.

Oh, that's all right, Milton.

Clement Enterprises has a large block of shares in NBC.

Oh, I see.

Well, sir, this is a very, very fantastic figure.

The first time I read it I didn't know if this was what you were going to pay me,

or my Social Security number.

Well, Mr. Berle, can you do the job?

Sir, it's all according to how funny you're talking about.

Are you talking about ha-ha funny...

or ha-ha-ha-ha funny...

or hardy-har-har funny?

Now, let me show you first my, uh... my comedy walk.

It's a very big scream. My ankle bit.

See, I stand up, and I walk around on my ankles.

Now, stand up, sir, and let me show you how to do it.

- You gotta turn your ankle... - Mr. Berle. Mr. Berle!

I am not your pupil.

You're not the gentleman I'm going to teach?

No.

Well, then who is?

Jean-Marc Clement.

That's fine. That's better.

A little broader. A little broader. That's fine.

Now turn around the other way. You're doing great, sir.

That's it. Up there. Wonderful. Wonderful!

It's the worst thing I have ever seen.

- Am I doing something wrong? - Oh, no, no.

You're doing it swell, but you have to exaggerate a little more, sir.

Watch me again, will ya?

Dough, dough, dough, dough.

You understand? Look, you say those words as you do it. Go ahead.

Dough. Dough. Dough. Dough.

You sound as if dough doesn't mean anything to you.

And it probably doesn't.

Can you show me something a little more, uh, sophisticated?

- Sophisticated. - Yeah.

Let me see.

I have it, baby... Uh, pardon me, Mr. Clement.

I have it. I have a great, great idea.

- Sophistication you want? - Yes.

Oh, this is gonna be great. You walk out...

Walk out on the stage very sophisticated like. You see?

Very debonair. Suave. Classy.

With dignity and charm, and you stand there,

and you look at the audience for a brief second,

and then you walk around like this.

The audience will scream. They'll scream.

Mr. Berle, I'd rather not. This is more you than me.

I have... Oh, boy.

I have a gag that I always do.

It's dynamite. It's the best thing that I've ever done.

- Is this material original? - Original?

Mm-hmm.

Forget it. We'll try something else.

Um, let's see...

Oh. I have... I have a joke...

When I do it on television, 40 million Americans scream at this.

And here's the line. You... Listen.

I swear I'll "kew" you.

I'll "kew" you a million times.

- You like that, huh? - Yes.

He likes that.

Will you try it? "I swear I'll kew you.

I'll kew you a million times." Say it. Go ahead.

That's it. Now say it.

I swear I kill you.

I kill you a million times.

- I'm sick. - Sick?

Yeah, I'm sick from laughing at you, 'cause you're great.

- You're great. - No.

You're very kind, Mr. Berle, but I don't think I did it right.

Oh, come on, Mr. Clement. You're wonderful.

Are you gonna listen to your Uncle Miltie? You're great.

You're wonderful, but there's only one little thing.

It isn't the word "kill." It's "kew."

Kew. See? Let me hear you say it.

- Kill. - No, not ki... It's "kew."

- Kill. - No, you have to purse your lips.

- May I... - Please.

- Kew. - Kill.

Not kill. Relax. Relax.

- Kew. - Kill.

- Kew. - Kill.

No, ki... The "L" is silent. Say kew.

- Key-ee. - No, not "key-ee." No, just "kew."

- Kew. - Key.

- Kew. Kew. - Key.

- No, kew. - Key.

- Kew. - Kill.

Will you get the "L" out? Don't pronounce the "L."

- Kew. - Kill.

A little... You gotta go...

K... Kew.

Kill.

Forget it. We'll try something else.

This is murder.

What kind of a job did you get me I ask you?

I'm afraid it's useless.

What do you mean, it's useless?

I'll make you so funny your only problem...

will be to get her to stop laughing long enough to have babies.

No. Uh...

Show me what I can do with a woman.

After what I read about you, I'm sure that you can show me.

No, no. I mean something comical.

Something... Something funny.

Oh. I thought you meant...

What you can do with... I have it.

I have a great boy-and-girl bit.

Let's step down here.

Look, in this scene I'll be the b... I'll be the girl.

I'll be the girl, and you be the boy.

- Understand? - Yes.

You're standing on a corner and you're waiting for your girl,

and I want you to ad-lib a line, like you're impatient.

"Where is my girl? She's supposed to be here."

I'll be the girl, and I'll go off there by the door and do it.

- Okay. - All right. Let's try it.

No. Turn around. Face the audience.

That's the first thing you gotta learn, Mr. Clement.

Look at the audience. Go ahead.

Look... Look at your watch.

- Okay. - Go ahead.

Where is she? She's supposed to meet me here.

Oh. She's late again.

That's very good.

Remember now, I'm the girl.

I'm the girl.

Hi.

I'm coming on.

And 40 million Americans call you "uncle"?

Milton Berle's here.

Right this way, Mr. Berle.

- Uncle Miltie. - Milton Berle's here.

- Milton Berle's here. - Uncle Miltie.

Hold it. Hold it.

Mr. Berle to see you, Mr. Welch.

Thank you.

- Hi, Milton. - Hiya, Georgie.

- I didn't mean to stop the rehearsal. - Not at all.

Do you know Mr. Coffman?

How do you do, Mr. Coffman?

This is my producer, Oliver Burton.

Glad to meet you, sir.

Mr. Berle, I'm happy to meet you.

I had no idea Mr. Welch knew any prominent theatrical people.

Oh, Georgie? You must be kidding. One of my first sponsors.

On radio.

Why don't you hang around? Watch a bit of the rehearsal.

I'd be very glad to.

We rarely get free advice from people like you.

Oh, I just dropped by to pay my respects to old Welchy boy here.

By the way, as I was coming in just now,

I saw your comedian rehearsing.

Wonderful. I stopped to listen.

Professional curiosity, you know.

Boy, he was doing a funny routine.

Mr. Burton, I wanna tell you, you have a great comedian on your hands.

Mr. Berle, you don't know what that means to us...

to have someone like you compliment us.

Get Tony. He can use the encouragement.

Tony! Tony Danton.

Come on, fellas. Clear the stage.

Yeah, here I am.

- That's not him. - It's not?

Tony, I want you to say hello to Mr. Berle.

- Hi, Tony. - Hello, Mr. Berle.

I just wanted you to meet him.

There's the fellow.

Him?

That's the one, right there.

Oh, you... Come here, will ya?

No! I mean you.

Yes, you.

What's the matter?

Were you rehearsing out there?

Oh, that. Just a little skit I put together...

for a surprise party we're giving a friend.

- It's not very funny. - Milton Berle thinks it's funny.

Milton...

Why, really, Mr. Berle?

Yes. I think it was just wonderful.

You're underestimating yourself, kid.

Uh, why don't you do the routine for the gentlemen?

- Oh, no... - All right.

Clear the stage.

Clear the stage.

Clear the stage off, huh, fellas?

Do the subway routine that I taught you.

It's the best bit that you do.

May I?

I'd like to give my impression...

of a man going to work in the morning on the subway.

He's great. Great. Watch him.

He's beautiful!

Oh, he's great!

Beautiful!

Where is she?

She's supposed to meet me here.

Oh, she's late... again.

Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful!

It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!

They're gonna ask you to sign for the run of the play.

What's that?

To stay with the show as long as it runs.

But you're entitled to more money.

- Hey, you were good. - Really?

Well, I've got to run along.

Very good, son. Lots of luck.

Thank you, Mr. Berle.

- Welchy, old boy. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- My regards to the family. - I will.

- Remember me at home. - Yes. Yes.

So long.

So long, kids. Happy show.

Thank you, Milton Berle.

We have to sign him right now.

Certainly.

What's his name?

Al... Alphonse, I think.

Oh, fella?

Step over here, will ya?

I'll ask for a hundred-dollar raise.

I wouldn't dare ask for more than 30.

But... go ahead.

Don't be shy.

Nobody talk. Let me handle this.

Yes, sir?

That wasn't bad.

- Thank you, sir. - Say, I'm sorry, but what is your name?

Dumas. Alex Dumas.

You don't say.

Alex, I think we can use your bit.

I'm not promising now. We may be over length.

Kerry, I wanna give Dumas here a $10 increase.

Very well, sir.

Have him sign the usual run-of-the-play contract.

Right.

Not bad, eh, Alex?

A $10 jump.

I don't think that's enough, Mr. Burton.

I wonder if I heard you right.

- I think so. - I don't.

Well, I'd like $50 more.

Where did you get that absurd idea?

Milton Berle was laughing.

He was just being polite.

Now look, Dumas, you're new in show business.

A $50 raise is unheard of. Ask anybody.

I would like $50 more.

It's out of the question!

Here, uh, Amanda. Tell him, will ya?

He wants a $50 raise.

Come over here, dear.

You don't realize, Dumas, this isn't a big business. You can't expect...

I'm offering him a $10 raise.

Isn't that fair?

Don't ask me. I'm not a...

Honey, the fella's just beginning.

This is his first big part. He's getting a terrific opportunity.

I-I know, but, well...

He only got the part because he happens to look like Clement.

That's not such an opportunity.

Did you tell him to ask for 50?

No. Uh...

But, 40's...

Have you lost your mind? Forty?

There is no need to shout at her.

Don't tell me how to run my company, will ya?

You've no right to talk to her that way.

Will you take $10, or won't you?

I certainly will not.

Then you're fired. Please leave this theater.

- Am I fired? - What? No.

- What? - He's a partner. He likes me.

- I like him. - See?

But I don't, and I want him out of the show. Now get outta here.

Your 49% wants him out of the show,

but my 51 wants him in, so he stays in, doesn't he?

I'll settle the money question.

Come with me, young man.

What do we do now?

I get $50 raise.

When you get excited, you're just like your father.

And she gets $50 raise.

What for? What's the purpose of that?

Ecoutez. L'incident est clos.

Same sentence his father used to use.

He gets a $50 raise, and she gets a $50 raise.

What? What for?

Ecoutez. L'incident est clos.

- Start the rehearsal. - Yes, sir.

Okay, Amanda, You wanna get to wardrobe for "Let's Make Love."

Dress rehearsal... "Let's Make Love."

May I help you?

Boy, you sure got a lot of different sides to your character.

If you're getting anywhere, my boy, it's much too slow.

I feel it.

I know it.

I could learn to sing, and that will do it.

He could be right.

Between comedians and singers, women always go for singers.

I know. When I was younger, I appeared in a lot of Broadway shows.

Some romantic baritone would come along,

and the girls would start breathing hard.

Boy, if I had my life to live over again, I'd be a singer.

You want another teacher?

- I'll call one. - But the best.

The guy that I have in mind is the greatest.

Hello. Operator?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Crosby.

Mr. Clement's expecting you. Will you step this way, please?

Give me a little run on the piano there, Walter.

Ecoutez. Commencons.

Good.

You see, you run it all together like that. Keep it moving.

- All of it? - The whole thing.

- The breath. - You and I will know you're out of breath,

but she'll think it's very sexy, you see?

Let me hear it.

You see, that's showmanship.

Keeps her mind off your voice.

- Can you whistle? - Yes, but the...

It might be too tricky. It might summon a lot of wildfowl, I guess.

Better rest. Save your voice.

Gee, I hope you kiss better than you can sing, or you're out of business.

- No good, huh? - Now, if we get you to move a little...

Dance. Do you dance?

- No. - No dance, huh?

Wait a minute. I think I can swing it for you.

If I can catch this guy, boy, you're a cinch.

Right, Mr. Kelly?

Well, the feet are right, Mr. Clement, but we'll have to work on the style.

On the style?

Yeah. You-You'll have to, uh... to think...

I should say... Look, you must express yourself the way an actor does.

- Actor? - Yes.

You see, a dancer expresses with his body...

what an actor does with words.

- It's not just the feet. - Right.

You... This dance is what?

It's romance, it's a courtship,

and you have to say that with your body.

You have to...

You say, "Darling, I love you."

I see.

You see, you must think that as you dance.

Good. I'll try.

- Darling. - Yes?

- I love you. - Good.

Oh, darling...

I'll try again.

Darling,

I love you.

I love you, darling.

On the double, everyone. Come on. Over to the piano.

This is gonna be good news.

We're gonna run through a new number.

Come on, kids. Let's go.

Wait a minute. I'm sorry. He's not going to sing it.

I brought this number for Dumas.

- Dumas? - Yes. Yes, of course.

I'm so sorry. Miss Dell, would you be so kind as to try it with Mr. Dumas?

Well, this is a surprise.

Let's go, kids.

- I hope I didn't ruin it for you. - It's not your fault.

Kids, this is a very expensive number.

Let's do it proud.

Uh...

Hold it.

What's the matter?

- Matter? - You're freezing.

Just relax.

- I'm sorry. I... - You've met Miss Dell, haven't you?

- Yes, I have. - Well, let her get at you.

- All right. - Until your last line.

Then you kiss her... Strong. Mean it.

Make her know it.

You can do that, can't you?

I'll try my very best.

Well, let's start again.

That's not bad. You've got the general idea.

We'll rehearse the rest again later.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

May I take you to dinner tonight?

We're rehearsing tonight.

I've never met such a difficult girl to feed.

You know what this stuff does to you.

You tryin' to kill yourself? Is this what I sat up nights with you for?

With cold towels on your head?

Everybody said I was crazy to hire you, but I believed. I believed.

And look what you're trying to do to yourself!

Don't yell at him.

He's starting with this again.

- Don't! Give me that. - Tony, stop.

You don't need that stuff anymore.

Come on now. Just because you had a tough break...

No! No, kid. It's normal... for me.

I see it all now.

Three shows on the road before this, I had great numbers.

All three closed out of town.

I did my job. Everybody said I was great.

Nobody gets to see me.

Well, now, finally I got the message. I've had it.

- But it's not your fault. - That's just it.

Forget it, Mandy. I want out.

How do you get out?

You say "I quit"? That's not out.

Tony, you're an actor, so wherever you go, whatever you do...

Yeah, how do you leave it behind?

No.

I don't leave it behind.

Look, I know I can do the number better than he can.

All I'm asking for is a chance.

I'm entitled to show them what I can do with it, but they won't even give me that.

It's not fair. He should have had a chance at the number.

He's entitled to that.

That backer won't listen. What can I do?

What can you do? How about trying to make him listen?

- Look, I believe you deserve... - If you believe it, then do it!

How? He's got control now.

I'll go out to dinner with Alex. I'll keep him out for an extra half hour.

Meantime, Tony, you can show Mr. Welch what you can do.

Honey, how do I get the man to listen?

How? Put him on the stage as soon as I leave.

The man's not gonna walk out of the theater. He's gotta listen.

I can use Lily. She knows the song.

- Good. - All right.

We'll give it a try.

Come on, now.

An old Chinese toast would be appropriate.

"May our children like each other."

Is that all? The Chinese is longer.

"Or else we'll have a noisy home."

How many languages do you speak?

Five or six.

Listen, don't worry about the check. We'll go halves, okay?

Thank you very much,

but I have quite enough to pay for this.

I am very happy, Amanda.

I understand tonight why I was born.

That's nice.

Um, couldn't you get a better job,

speaking all those languages?

Someday you must go to France.

This time of year the sky over Paris...

is exactly the color of your eyes.

Do you mind if I say something personal?

Not at all.

Maybe you're not ambitious enough.

Because now that I know you...

For instance, the United Nations, or, uh, the State Department.

They could use you, I bet.

Or some big business where you deal with people from all over.

You have a way about you, you know.

What way?

Well, not elegant, exactly, but kind of, um,

dignified.

I say it because every once in a while, I can't place you.

I think that's because you're in the wrong line of work.

Have you always been a jewelry salesman?

No. Not always.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

Please, don't be uneasy.

It's all right. Let's have some more wine.

Amanda, I'm in love with you.

Now, Alex...

I've never said this in my life.

Amanda, I want to marry you.

Alex...

What do you say to me?

Then you're not married?

Married? Why did you think...

You never said anything about yourself, so what was I to think?

I'm not married, and have never been married.

Darling, only your feeling is important.

What do you feel for me?

- I must know that. - Was it something terrible?

What are you imagining?

Well, I... I've done some things in my life...

it's very painful to talk about.

No.

No, darling.

But people have to trust each other.

Darling, I do trust you more than anyone in my life.

And now I will tell you everything.

What is it?

I have to apologize.

Here I am asking you to trust me, and all this time...

I'm playing an awful, dirty trick on you.

Me?

I brought you here to give Tony his chance at your number.

- I see. - He's doing it for Mr. Welch now.

- We can go if you like. - Of course, if you like.

I am very sorry that I came into your life too late.

I hope you'll be very happy.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

I only wanted Tony to have his chance.

Acting for you is just an extra job, but for him, it's his life.

Please, darling, sit down.

Sit down.

I hope you're not mad, because I like you, Alex.

You do?

Oh, my darling girl, marry me.

I adore you.

But...

Very well. I won't torture you any longer.

I am not a jewelry salesman at all.

I am a very wealthy man.

As a matter of fact...

I am Jean-Marc Clement.

Ha.

You don't believe it?

Come on. Let's get some air.

I'm not fooling you!

You see, the other day my public relations man came in my office...

- Your what? - Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clement.

You see, I had just returned from the Hong Kong office the other day,

and my public relations man said to me, "I read in the...

I've got my... I left...

in the Variety"...

- I-I didn't even... - In the very...

Ooh!

Amanda!

Amanda!

Amanda! I'm a billionaire!

Mr. Welch, could we wait a minute so I can do it with Miss Dell?

It's really her number.

I don't see what difference it can possibly make.

Amanda.

- Amanda. - Go away. I'm getting into my costume.

Now, listen to me.

The other day I came here with my public relations...

Darling. I am Jean-Marc Clement.

Oh, don't say that again. You don't have to be Clement.

But I do have to be. I can't help it.

I saw you, I wanted you,

and before I knew it, I was Alexander Dumas.

You know what I did?

I got Bing Crosby to work with me on a song.

I paid Milton Berle, and Gene Kelly too and...

- Oh, darling. - Yes?

- It's all my fault. - Yes.

- Come in. - Yes.

- Lie down. - Yes.

I told you to get into the character and that's wonderful,

but now you've got to get out.

Amanda, you'll drive me crazy.

Don't say that. Relax.

It'll all go away.

Listen. There used to be an actor.

He played Abraham Lincoln for so many years...

This is true.

He grew his own beard.

He went around in a shawl.

And you know what they used to say?

"He looks like Lincoln, he talks like Lincoln,

but he won't be satisfied till he gets shot."

I'll prove it to you.

That doesn't matter. You don't have to be a rich man.

No?

If you mean what you say.

Money doesn't mean anything to me.

I get jobs.

Forget all that, will you?

Oh, my dear girl.

How long I have waited to hear that.

I'm so glad.

I'm so glad.

Now tell me.

Who are you?

Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clement.

Now, look. Enough's enough, Alexander.

Okay, call Berle. Call Gene Kelly. Call Bing Crosby! Come on.

Sure. I'll go right out and get 'em on the phone.

You get a kick out of this, whoever you are.

I can't stand anyone who makes fun of me.

Can I be of any assistance?

- George. - What?

- Tell her who I am. - Who you are? Certainly.

- He's Alexander Dumas. - No, George!

Tell her the truth.

- The truth? - Yes.

Oh, I beg your pardon. That's different.

- Actually, he's Jean-Marc... - Marc Clement!

What?

Who are you? King Farouk, I suppose.

I hope you both enjoyed it. It's true what they say... There's no comedians left!

But... That...

Is it too much to ask whether I like his performance?

Of course you like it. That's not the problem.

Listen.

Get an injunction to close the show.

Invasion of privacy.

I don't know...

He can't do this. It's impossible.

Obviously he can, my dear. This is a very legal document.

Brother! This is the end. The story of my life.

I guess you'll have to cut the "Specialization" number.

You can't cut that. It's a wonderful number.

Oh, I love that number.

Yes, but he resents the ridicule.

We'll get a lawyer. Who is he? Hitler?

Excuse me.

I have a suggestion.

For every lawyer you get,

Mr. Clement will have five.

That's not good.

- You have a much better weapon. - What's that?

The one thing Clement cannot resist...

a beautiful woman.

Say now.

If Miss Dell would pay him a visit,

I feel sure she could charm him.

Charm him? I could murder him.

He'll adore you. I'm sure.

What about that, Amanda? Maybe if you told him what the show was really like...

I think it would be a good idea, young man, if you went along too.

After all, they're both French, you know.

That's right. They both of 'em are French.

I would be glad to help if I can.

Try it, will ya, Amanda?

There's no time to fight him in court if we're gonna open tonight.

But I'm not going alone with him or his friend here.

No, honey, we'll all go.

Come on. I'll try to make an appointment.

I think it might be better if I made the call.

Swell! You can tell him in French.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

We want to see Mr. Clement.

We're from the Let's Make Love company. It's very important.

What's the matter with her?

Did I say something?

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Won't you come in?

She didn't say it's all right though, did she?

No.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

We want to see Mr. Clement. Is he in?

Yes, miss.

I suppose we may as well go in.

What is this? A war of nerves?

Alex!

You can't sit there.

You can't look through his mail!

I'll do the mail now.

You've got to see a doctor.

Come. We gotta get outta here.

Come. Come quietly. Quietly.

We gotta get outta he...

- Good morning. - Bonjour, monsieur.

To Dottore Gina Martinelli, Milano.

Jean-Marc Clement.

Why don't you sit down? This won't take long.

No, sir. I won't.

That will be all.

Please, darling. Darling.

There was no other way.

You...

Shame on you!

Please understand.

Letting me go on and on like a fool...

when you knew how I felt about you.

I... I apologize. I beg you.

Darling! Forgive me, darling. I beg you.

But look... Look what happened the moment you knew who I was.

Even you were impressed. Admit it.

You no longer saw me. You saw only power.

Really, I've never been so humiliated in my life.

The least you could have done is tell me who you are.

I did tell you.

- How did you expect me to believe it? - Because it was true.

That's no excuse.

Listen, darling. Listen.

And I never want to see you again as long as I live!

Amanda.

Amanda!

Amanda... Amanda, darling, listen to me.

I ask you to stop the elevator and come back.

I will not.

I'm up here on the top of the world, Amanda,

but my soul is going down to the street with you,

so I beg you to understand that I must stop the elevator.

Brace yourself, darling.

You will not stop...

And don't think you're going to charm your way out of this...

What a life!

And all the time I'm trying to figure out how to buy you a square meal.

How could you bear watching me make a fool out of myself?

Oh, darling.

Will they be surprised at night school.