Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

Maddy! Piano time!

I'll take her.

Did you hand-fuck my husband?

So what's your second-favorite instrument?

ToyCo has been begging us

for a talking Jeff doll.

This year, we're finally gonna give it to them.

We're talking the hottest

Christmas gift of the season.

In six weeks,

I'm gonna be dead.

Vivian's not doing well.

My name is Viva Lost Pages.

What's one more Jeff?

There's a difference between Mr. Pickles-san

of Japan, or Monsieur Cornichon du France,

or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.

Sayonara.

Katto!

Arigatou. Arigatou.

Hai, arigatou gozaimasu.

Kintsugi.

Pickles-san...

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Whoa.

I see.

- Whoa. - Ah.

I'm gonna need a tutorial.

First, what you need to do

is just tap the icon.

Put in the name of the person you want to FaceTime.

This is gonna be awesome.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

This is my friend Vivian.

She wasn't healthy enough to make the trip.

She wanted to see the ocean.

Hello, Vivian. Welcome to Los Angeles.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

The ocean makes the sunset look so special,

but you make it spectacular.

The sun is getting jealous.

_

You're welcome.

Dolphins! Dolphins.

Do you see the dolphin? There's a dolphin.

_

Hey.

We need to talk before he gets here.

Okay.

You first.

I've been thinking about this a lot,

and I feel that...

if it would make you happier,

for M-Maddy to take piano again,

then she should take piano, and I'll just deal with it.

Oh.

She seemed happier.

I don't think that's true.

Plus, she's getting so good at clarinet.

- I am? - Yes, honey.

I just think she may have liked piano better,

and if her heart is set on piano,

then you just... you can't change someone's heart.

I think piano was just a phase.

You do?

- It was? - Yes, sweetheart.

I think she was confused.

She was born a clarinet player.

Piano's just this weird choice she made.

She was never really committed to piano.

She... she probably wishes

she never took piano in the first place.

Was I not good at piano?

- It was awful. - Dee Dee, from now on,

we are strictly a clarinet family.

I am committed

to making this a clarinet family.

You guys need to be more supportive of my dreams.

Konnichiwa.

Konnichiwa.

- Pikurusu-san desu. - Maddy?

This is Mr. Pickles-san.

He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks

and then bring back what he learned to Japan.

And occasionally babysit.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry Jeff couldn't host you.

His living situation isn't optimal

to board guests right now.

My... English I... Mm...

Not amazing.

Sado-Shimi.

Sado-Shimi?

Sou. Sado-shimi.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Arigatou.

_

I have a message, all right,

but I don't know if they're gonna like it.

We're ready to record whenever you're ready.

Okay.

_

_

All of history

travels on the human voice.

Amplified, it can shear a man in half,

sentence 2 million Polish Jews to Dachau,

or spread the Book of Matthew

from Mount Zion to a Roman river.

Thousands of malleable minds

will rip this doll off the shelf,

and I don't know if they'll see it

as a god or gremlin.

But...

I won't drop nightshade into children's ears.

Um, so, I don't think we're allowed

to stray from the approved script.

I'd like to, if that's all right.

Of course. What do you want to say?

Allahu akbar!

Allahu akbar?

No, I don't like those words.

They scare the dirt off of me.

Well, maybe they'll be less scary

if we explain what they mean.

Allahu akbar is an expression

that means a lot of different things.

Mainly, it's used as a greeting,

like we say "Hello," "good-bye."

Or... "aloha"?

That's right, Uke-Larry.

So if we went to Hawaii,

we could say, "Aloha-u akbar."

Um... Sure.

Allahu akbar.

Forced to leave their homes at gunpoint

and march on foot with whatever they could carry.

It led to the deaths of over 20,000

Indigenous Americans.

"Indigenous"?

Indigenous.

That means they were here first.

The Cherokees called this the Trail of Tears.

Oops.

That's right, Oops.

Even governments make mistakes.

Disconnect the teleprompters.

I did. That's just him talking.

Grace and I wrote him a powerful scene

in which Snagglehorse goes apple-picking,

and he wrote, "Despair is an eagle."

What does that mean?

Without a diverse group of meaningful relationships,

we can't see certain populations

as actual people,

and we subconsciously tune them out.

And your depression is something

you should never be afraid to talk about

with the people you love,

because if they really love you...

They'd tell you that Ronald McDonald

wants to walk our black youth into a food desert

and leave them there without their pants on,

because he wants to charge you for water

and he wants to charge you to pee.

Don't expect compliments from an insecure person.

Too many people think this country's

a stone-cold gray corpse,

but it's not.

It's a living, breathing organism.

And we've got to keep kicking it

to make sure it's alive.

Yee-haw!

For every 90 minutes of footage we shoot,

only 12 are borderline usable,

and that's before we cut out

the veiled Marxism and songs about genocide.

Whoo... hoo!

The show was right there

beneath the surface the whole time

I thought it was an end,

but it was just a rust

oxidized over the beginning.

Sorry. I forgot my eyeballs.

Thank you.

Allahu akbar.

Good night.

He can do whatever he wants.

Say whatever he wants.

Maybe I want to look in a lens

and scream a little.

Not that they'd let me near a camera.

Sometimes, I... I'm Soap Scum's

limp right hand, and even then,

it's obscured by a shower curtain

that... I created in my dorm room.

The true artist...

is both victim and warrior.

You speak English?

I'm not speaking English.

Oh.

What makes your puppets special

is the life you put inside of them,

not the people hiding behind them.

What's your real name, Pickles-san?

Mm, who I was doesn't matter.

I'm Pickles-san now,

always and forever.

Maybe we both like to hide.

I hide from myself all the time.

I think that's why I married Scott.

He's...

I didn't want to know myself,

so I chose a man who could never know me.

He's the one who wanted kids.

I only exist

for other people:

Maddy and Scott and Jeff

and my dad and...

It's easy to exist for them,

because I don't know how to exist for myself.

I don't know how to want.

I'd rather bleed in front of a doll

than live in front of my family.

That's how I grew up.

We are a family who loves from afar.

But loving others from afar means

what they give you in return is always at a distance.

I'm better from afar.

I'm all scars up close.

You know of kintsugi?

Hm?

It is the practice of making art

by breaking something special

and gluing it back together with gold.

Your scars

do not mean you are broken.

They are proof you are healed.

Breaking is healing.

Kintsugi.

Kintsugi.

I don't want you to think that I chose somebody

who wouldn't be alive very long

because I thought we were gonna get back together.

I didn't think that.

Usually, when your husband

starts dating a younger woman,

it reminds you of your mortality.

Not this time.

I'm sorry if my actions hurt you in any way.

Hey, I found my next relationship

in a hospital hallway. Maybe I led by example.

When I first saw Peter,

it was like watching the "Challenger" explode,

but you knew what you needed,

and he put so much color back in your cheeks.

Thank him for me.

Jeff, you know, nine times out of ten, when someone

walks through that doorway, they've just gotten

the worst news that they will ever get in their life.

So it would be best for her

if you could find a way to convey that

her struggle is your struggle.

We still have to deal with Thursday.

I'd like you to come over to Dee Dee's,

bring Peter.

You open to that?

- Yeah. - Mm.

That was easier than I thought it would be.

Whatever you need, I'm here for you.

The... second line of treatment pushed

my white blood cell count

past the point of remission.

I'm in remission.

I love you so much.

Oh, my God.

I have so many credit cards to pay off.

I am so, so happy

to hear the good news about your health.

Thank you. I'm... Vivian, by the way.

I'm Seb.

Arigatou.

Put that back. No, no, we don't do that.

Oh, man!

I think it's a miracle.

If she's okay, Jeff's okay.

If Jeff's okay, everything's normal again.

You think your sister

would let us watch the National Dog Show?

I didn't know you followed the Natties.

My nana bred two runners-up

and one that just plain broke her heart.

I midwifed the 2003 Best In Group terrier.

I mean, I say that. Really, I was just

passing through the kitchen at the wrong time.

What about last year's spaniel surprise?

Jaunty, yes. Jovial, yes.

Champion? No, sir.

I feel the schnauzers

are under-coifed and overlooked.

Ever since the Scandinavians started breeding them,

I've been thinking, "When is their moment?"

Thank you.

My dad used to have a drawer full of jigsaw puzzles.

Now he has a drawer full of condoms.

Mm, my mom thinks I'm drinking grape juice,

but really, it's wine.

I'm going to start the magic show.

Okay, honey.

I said I'm going to start

the magic show.

Whatever.

Do you still say your prayers?

But... but... wait. What do you say?

Most of America eats turkey today,

but my family eats lasagna, too,

because I'm Italian. Do you like it?

Arigatou.

You know,

I had the best blowjob of my life

on the bullet train to Kyoto.

Sucky, sucky. Train, train.

- Hm? - Fellatio.

Yes.

Here's to fellatio.

Blowjob.

Show me the charcoal under-rub

of a Swedish show dog, and I will show you

the infinite potential of canine husbandry.

That's right, Schnauzer. Trot that circle.

Alvin-Britches Dropbottom Delight

did not come to play with you haughty bitches!

Vivian keeps talking about us

zip-lining through Honduras

and seeing the fish rain.

You will never forget the first time

you get kamikaze'd by a red snapper.

Sorry, Pickles-san.

Deirdre spent a lot of time in Belize,

working with local populations.

Ah. I mean, I've only used my passport once.

The pain meds are cheaper in Toronto.

Oh!

So when are you guys thinking of going?

I was thinking midsummer, right, Viv?

- Mm-hm. - Could I come?

Will, sometimes, couples like

to travel together. Alone.

No, no, no. The more, the merrier.

I want to go. We have never

taken a vacation as a family.

We should talk about this closer to June.

I want to go to Costa Rica.

I guess all of us could go.

Oh, whoa, I'm in... you know, if invited.

And Scott could totally plan this.

My husband is a corporate travel agent.

This would be his Olympics.

Logistics are my aphrodisiac.

What if I pay for the whole trip?

The Pickles take Honduras.

You don't have to do that.

Could we stay in another place

with chocolate-covered fruit?

Can I room with Grandpa?

We make T-shirts for everybody.

"Out of the Way: Pickles on Vacay."

I'll ask Derrell to plan tomorrow.

Seb, this many people,

different last names, hotel rooms?

Let me handle this.

I'm going alone.

You're right.

We don't have to take the whole family.

It can just be us.

Um, no. I was gonna tell you later.

I bought a ticket, and I'm going next week,

by myself.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

Just... everything that...

... changed when everything changed,

and I get to start over.

I look at you,

and I see the man who saved my life.

But I also see cancer

and... death.

I look at you, you remind me of death.

And I have this gift of time, and,

you know, this...

us... it made sense

when time was running out.

Now that I can...

plan ahead, I'm sorry.

Those plans don't involve you.

I'm sorry. They can't.

I understand.

I'm...

happy for you.

Fuck you!

Yeah, fuck you!

Fuck you, cunt!

- Yeah, fuck you! - Fuck you.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck you,

fuck you, fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! There's no chemo for dengue!

The line

is "Welcome to Pickle Barrel Falls,

Viva Lost Pages.

Your new forever home."

Just...

give me a second.

I can do it.

We don't have to do this today.

Mm...

We don't have to keep Viva Lost Pages

around if it's just gonna dredge up painful memories.

A woman is gonna live.

That's nothing short of spectacular.

I don't really have an excuse to come in here,

but... you can't understand me anyway,

unless I'm holding a puppet.

I just...

May I tell you the sad and sordid tale

of a queen enslaved by the demon

locked in her vulva,

and the warrior with a steel penis...

whoosh... who destroyed this demon?

Yes, please.

Have you ever met a new friend

that feels like an old friend?

This...

is Viva.

A new friend. And Viva,

this is Ennui and Maestro Fermata,

your new friends.

They'll probably feel like old friends.

Do you have any books on tartines?

Or Mozart?

I feel lost.

You're not lost. You're home,

and you can stay in Pickle Barrel Falls

for as long as you want.

- All done? - Thanks.

Forever?

That's a long time, but sure.

You get to stay forever.

The great warrior fought his way

guard by guard until he made his way

to the queen's tower.

But just before she could embrace him...

The king arrived on his horse.

Wait, how are you...

Please, don't touch it.

The old ruler explained

the door to the castle had always been open,

and it was the queen who had locked herself away.

- Where's warrior going? - Home.

The great warrior understood

this was a demon for the queen to slay.

Anything else would be infidelity.

The warrior and the queen

are not meant to be.

Will you stay through Christmas?

What the actual fuck?

Just... keep editing the stuff out

that we don't want to see.

Until when? The show is seven minutes long.

And it's PBS. It's not like we could

pad it with commercial breaks.

And what happens when he goes live?

How do we stop him

from puking his off-brand lunacy

all over his shoes, and your shoes,

- and our shoes? - Don't worry.

We're not gonna let that happen.

Oh, so he's not gonna host it this year?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck!

The National Tree Lighting.

I think it's on CBS this year.

That'll be what, 10 million people watching?

How did December get here so quickly?

It's not about the money.

It's never been about the money, Gregory.

It's about doing the right thing.

$42,000 is a lot of debt

for a woman in her thirties.

She has medical bills. This'll help her heal.

As your accountant, I can only recommend

what's fiscally responsible.

Maybe we just pay off the Discover card.

Just pay it all, please.

She's lucky to have a friend like you.

We all are.

Good-bye.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --