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All those kids and their hipping
and their hopping.
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Pull up your damned pants,
you morons!
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Second Comedy Central special,
it`s gonna be great!
3
00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:20,686
No, Mommy.
l don`t want to wear the pink bow.
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He even does this in his sleep.
What a freak!
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00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:28,444
Would you idiots give it a rest?
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Would you like to see my stick?
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00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:37,319
JEFF DUNHAM
SPARK OF lNSANlTY
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Thank you!
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00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,159
Thank you.
10
00:00:56,367 --> 00:00:59,996
Are you doing alright?
Thank you.
11
00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:03,726
Thank you so much.
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00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:16,077
Alright. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
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00:01:17,247 --> 00:01:23,197
You can`t fool me. l know it`s all
for the little guys in the suitcase.
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Thank you for coming out tonight.
This is such a pleasure.
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Before we start, l must say it is a
true honor to be in this theater-
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-with you people, in the capital of
the greatest country in the world-
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-the United States of America.
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00:01:52,527 --> 00:01:55,200
ln driving around
the city the last couple of days-
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-l couldn`t help but realize that
here in D.C., like everywhere else-
20
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-gas prices suck!
21
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:07,566
My wife and l live in L.A.,
and we were owners of 2 big SUVs.
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00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:11,003
We decided to do the economically
and ecologically right thing.
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We got rid of one of the
big, giant SUVs and got a Prius.
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l don`t know why you`re laughing,
it`s a great vehicle.
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00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:23,723
You jump on the freeway
and punch it, it goes:
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When you can drive
underneath an 18-wheeler and go:
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``That`s really dirty``,
and drive back out...
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That is just too damned small.
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00:02:39,807 --> 00:02:44,005
lt`s cool at the gas pump. On one
tank you`ve driven 2 or 3000 miles.
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You fill up and go:
``Oh, all done! l`ll be damned.``
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``10 cents? That`s amazing!``
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00:02:51,527 --> 00:02:55,281
l`m not used to a vehicle like this.
l`ve had big trucks and SUVs.
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The one vehicle l refuse to
get rid of, l`ve had it for 10 years.
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l love this thing.
l`ve taken good care of it.
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00:03:01,647 --> 00:03:04,525
lt`s not politically correct
to drive it. l don`t care.
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00:03:04,687 --> 00:03:09,238
H-1 Hummer. The real one,
the big one, the military version.
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00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:16,196
l love this thing.
lt has a 38-gallon tank.
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Gets 7 miles to the gallon.
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00:03:20,487 --> 00:03:24,719
Diesel, where l live,
at its peak was $3.84 per gallon.
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00:03:24,887 --> 00:03:27,640
Yeah. l went to fill it up that week,
it wasn`t even empty.
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00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:31,720
lt cost me
a hundred forty-eight dollars.
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l pushed the vehicle home.
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00:03:36,207 --> 00:03:38,721
As l rolled it into
the driveway, l told my kids:
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00:03:38,887 --> 00:03:42,562
``Girls, look at
our new front yard ornament.``
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00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:45,764
``Get in the Prius.``
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00:03:45,927 --> 00:03:48,521
``You suck, Dad!``
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00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:54,199
l used to pick Priuses
out of the grill of my Hummer.
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00:03:58,687 --> 00:04:02,600
During the holidays last year, we
took the Hummer in for maintenance.
49
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:07,045
Then we were driving home and
my wife is behind me in the Hummer.
50
00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:09,277
l`m in front driving the Prius.
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00:04:09,447 --> 00:04:12,803
l was tricked somehow.
l don`t know how that happened.
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00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:15,765
She calls me
on the cellphone, laughing.
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00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:18,885
Let me explain why.
Our Prius is not a black Prius.
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00:04:19,047 --> 00:04:22,722
lt`s not a red Prius, it`s a
blue Prius. But not really blue.
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00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:27,085
lt`s more of a ...blue... Prius.
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00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,361
lt`s pretty.
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00:04:32,527 --> 00:04:35,246
Sparkly!
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00:04:35,407 --> 00:04:39,559
l did that
a little too well, didn`t l?
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00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:57,319
While l`m driving, l`m holding in my
arm, my wife`s 3-pound Chihuahua.
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00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:03,964
You have to hold it while you drive
or it`ll fall down between the seats.
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00:05:04,127 --> 00:05:07,358
``Where the hell is this dog?
Oh, there you are!``
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00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:12,237
``Let me put down the parking brake,
that`ll hold you, you bastard.``
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00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:17,438
``l`ve got to shift... Oh!``
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00:05:25,447 --> 00:05:29,918
``That was your head? l`m sorry.
l thought it was the shifty thingy.``
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00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:33,966
``Same size. Leather, fur,
l don`t know the difference.``
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00:05:34,127 --> 00:05:37,199
``l thought l was grinding the gears.``
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00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:44,323
Thanks for laughing at that. That`s
the stupidest joke l tell all night.
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00:05:44,487 --> 00:05:47,320
That morning,
l don`t know why l didn`t see it-
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00:05:47,487 --> 00:05:51,605
-my children had taken
vinyl window holiday decorations-
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00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:54,884
-and put them all over
the back window of the Prius.
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00:05:55,047 --> 00:06:00,075
Christmas trees, Santa Claus.
Snowflakes. lt was so pretty.
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00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:02,807
My wife calls me,
laughing hysterically.
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00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:07,006
``What`s so funny?``
``Can you see yourself?``
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00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:11,957
``You`re driving a powder blue Prius,
holding a 3-pound Chihuahua.``
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00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:15,915
``There`s pretty Christmas decorations
all over your car.``
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00:06:16,087 --> 00:06:20,478
``And you make a living with dolls.
You`re gay!`` - Click.
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00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:35,276
And l`m like, ``Bitch!`` - click.
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00:06:38,687 --> 00:06:42,726
A Chihuahua. That`s
my wife`s idea of a family pet.
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00:06:42,887 --> 00:06:46,516
The dog l picked out is Bill, our
Golden Retriever. He`s 80 pounds.
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00:06:46,687 --> 00:06:50,646
Now that is a dog,
ladies and gentlemen.
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00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:56,522
l named him Bill because l got him
when Clinton was in office-
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00:06:56,687 --> 00:07:00,043
-and as a puppy,
he was humping everything.
83
00:07:06,047 --> 00:07:08,117
When it comes to dogs-
84
00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:11,040
-l have criteria
for what is and is not a dog.
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00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:18,158
Here is what is not a dog:
anything that bounces when it barks.
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00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:24,361
Not a dog: anything l can easily
drop-kick over my back fence.
87
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:30,318
Not a dog: anything that is regularly
terrified by a running leaf.
88
00:07:30,487 --> 00:07:34,878
That`s not a dog, that`s a yapping
Beanie Baby, that`s what that is.
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00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:39,563
lt`s the Richard Simmons
of canines, that`s all l`m saying.
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00:07:56,447 --> 00:08:00,076
``Honey, what was that?``
``l don`t know!``,
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00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:03,364
Bill`s sitting next to me:
``l don`t know either!``
92
00:08:03,527 --> 00:08:06,564
``You`re a genius, do it again!``
93
00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:09,195
Size does matter
in the canine brain.
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00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:12,165
Bill, Golden Retriever,
very smart animal.
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00:08:12,327 --> 00:08:16,400
lf he pooped on the living room
carpet, l stuck his nose in it.
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00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:20,719
Three times later, he figured out:
``l`m not supposed to crap here.``
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00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:25,039
Next two dogs, same thing. Now the
brain-dead Chihuahua comes along.
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00:08:25,207 --> 00:08:27,516
She poops on the carpet,
l stick her nose in it-
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00:08:27,687 --> 00:08:33,842
-three times later she thinks,
``l`m not supposed to crap, ever.``
100
00:08:38,447 --> 00:08:43,043
And that`s why they shake.
101
00:08:53,127 --> 00:08:55,960
Another way Chihuahuas
prove their lack of intelligence:
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00:08:56,127 --> 00:09:00,166
Most dogs know when you find a stick
in the yard and you run with it-
103
00:09:00,327 --> 00:09:03,524
-you put the stick
in your mouth sideways.
104
00:09:05,967 --> 00:09:10,677
l am not kidding. This little idiot
dog found a stick as long as she was-
105
00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:14,522
-and she stuck it
in her mouth straight out the front.
106
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:17,645
This is all true.
We`re on the couch watching TV.
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00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:21,766
She runs through the house, as
fast as she can, stick straight out.
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00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:28,036
As she runs across the carpet
she decides to quickly look down.
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00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:31,279
Oh yeah. Stick in the carpet,
crammed down her throat.
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00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:35,281
With momentum, she
actually pole-vaulted over the stick.
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00:09:46,007 --> 00:09:48,999
Of course my wife
and my girls are all...
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00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:53,319
l couldn`t breathe,
l was laughing so hard.
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00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:56,923
l thought, ``Damn, if she`d
been going a little faster-``
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00:09:57,087 --> 00:10:01,638
``-l`d have a new puppet.
A Chihuahua on a stick!``
115
00:10:11,647 --> 00:10:14,844
My wife started going nuts
with the Chihuahua thing.
116
00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:16,998
She named her Chihuahua Darby.
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00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:21,445
After a year and a half my wife
decided it was time to breed the dog.
118
00:10:21,607 --> 00:10:27,364
My wife got on the internet and
found the 3-pound...stud...Chihuahua.
119
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:31,236
l don`t know how you call
anything that`s 3 pounds `a stud`.
120
00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:35,082
We picked up little Jake.
The owner wanted to get rid of him.
121
00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:38,717
So Jake came to live at our house.
He was full grown, ready to go.
122
00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:40,843
Then Darby came in heat.
123
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:44,966
Not long afterthat we had
three tiny little Chihuahua puppies.
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00:10:45,127 --> 00:10:49,279
The two larger ones my wife
gave away. The runt of the litter...
125
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:53,759
The runt from two
3-pound dogs we decided to keep.
126
00:10:53,927 --> 00:10:58,159
Rusty is now full-grown,
at a whopping 1.8 pounds.
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00:10:59,887 --> 00:11:03,482
The cool part is he
and 80-pound Bill are best friends.
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00:11:03,647 --> 00:11:05,763
l don`t know how
you can be best friends-
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00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:10,478
-with someone
who is the same size as your poop.
130
00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:19,606
My kids question
whether l`m funny or not.
131
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:25,524
l pointed that out in the backyard
to them. l`m a comedy genius now!
132
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:31,124
The cool part is little Rusty picked
me over everyone else to bond with.
133
00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:33,437
He likes me best,
we don`t know why. l kinda like it.
134
00:11:33,607 --> 00:11:35,802
l come home, he runs
to the front door, l pick him up-
135
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:41,644
-take him to my office. l have a
stuffed car, he sits in that car.
136
00:11:41,807 --> 00:11:45,561
lf he sits just right, it looks
like he`s driving around my desk.
137
00:11:45,727 --> 00:11:50,403
People walk in my office,
``lt`s a rat! Oh, it`s your dog.``
138
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:57,365
The bond between Rusty and me
has gone beyond just companionship.
139
00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,757
There`s an emotional bond.
140
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:03,397
This has happened 5 times.
lt can`t be coincidence.
141
00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,923
The three Chihuahuas sleep
in the bed with my wife and me.
142
00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:10,363
My wife and l will get into
an argument, go to bed angry.
143
00:12:10,527 --> 00:12:14,520
You`re not supposed to do that,
but we`re tired.
144
00:12:14,687 --> 00:12:17,838
Rusty hears the argument, knows
we`re not happy with each other.
145
00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:21,044
But he takes my side.
At 3 or 4 in the morning-
146
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,405
-he will wake up,
and pee on my wife.
147
00:12:35,127 --> 00:12:37,561
l am not kidding.
148
00:12:37,727 --> 00:12:41,242
lt`s the greatest thing ever!
149
00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:43,637
l have the satisfaction of knowing-
150
00:12:43,807 --> 00:12:48,403
-if l go to bed angry with my wife,
it`s gonna be taken care of.
151
00:12:50,007 --> 00:12:52,475
This is all absolutely true.
152
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:56,959
l had to get up early for an
East Coast flight, about 3:30.
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00:12:57,127 --> 00:13:00,164
My wife and l had argued,
l wake up still mad at her.
154
00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:03,205
4 am, l`m ready to walk out the door,
but l still love her.
155
00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:06,325
l go to kiss her.
l walk over and put my hand on her...
156
00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:10,196
``Rusty, my man!``
157
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:15,196
lt`s still warm,
she hasn`t woken up yet.
158
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:20,680
l lean over, ``l love you honey, see
you later, Rusty pissed on you. Bye!``
159
00:13:20,847 --> 00:13:24,283
Rusty`s at the end of the bed
just wagging his tail.
160
00:13:24,447 --> 00:13:29,567
l`m at the front door, ``l hope
he doesn`t teach Bill to do that.``
161
00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:36,518
We have three daughters.
They are 9, 11 and 15 years old.
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00:13:36,687 --> 00:13:40,805
They`ve had normal childhoods.
Most things have been great.
163
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:44,642
Some things have been different
because of the ventriloquism.
164
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:48,561
For example,
their Barbie dolls actually speak.
165
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,321
Not when Mommy`s around.
166
00:13:55,487 --> 00:14:00,197
``Ken, you smell
like beer and cigarettes.``
167
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:05,325
l`m a lot of fun
at Toys `R` Us around Christmastime.
168
00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:11,517
Boys run to their parents, ``Mommy,
know what that Gl Joe said to me?``
169
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,882
They will never catch me.
170
00:14:18,047 --> 00:14:20,561
We try to take
family walks as often as possible.
171
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:23,287
On these walks,
we let one kid pick out one dog.
172
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:26,883
One evening we let Kenna,
the 9-year-old, choose.
173
00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:32,405
Kenna seems to have
a real twisted sense of humor.
174
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:36,276
We don`t know
where that came from.
175
00:14:36,447 --> 00:14:41,362
We have a leash. One of
those big self-retracting leashes.
176
00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:44,280
You push the button
and it quickly retracts.
177
00:14:44,447 --> 00:14:48,235
Don`t beat me to the funny part.
178
00:14:48,407 --> 00:14:51,638
l walk out the front door and
think l`ll be the first one there.
179
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,356
Kenna is out front and has
Darby hooked up to that leash.
180
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:59,042
She`s 2 feet away. Kenna keeps
pushing the button and letting it up.
181
00:14:59,207 --> 00:15:02,882
Darby is going...
l ask Kenna, ``What are you doing?``
182
00:15:03,047 --> 00:15:07,199
``l`m trying to
make her heel automatically.``
183
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:11,679
l say, ``Kenna!
lt doesn`t work. l already tried it.``
184
00:15:11,847 --> 00:15:13,997
``High five.``
185
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:17,079
We`re out for a walk and
Kenna has the dog at full extension.
186
00:15:17,247 --> 00:15:21,160
30 or 40 feet on the leash and she
hasn`t given up on what she`s trying.
187
00:15:21,327 --> 00:15:24,125
As we`re walking she`s
pushing the button and letting it up.
188
00:15:24,287 --> 00:15:26,642
Looking at the dog,
looking at the leash-
189
00:15:26,807 --> 00:15:28,843
-the wheels in her head turning...
190
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:32,079
``What is this twisted
little child going to do?``
191
00:15:32,247 --> 00:15:36,126
As we`re walking, she pushed
the button. Quickly and on purpose-
192
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:38,881
-dropped the leash.
193
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,799
Do you see the brilliance here?
194
00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:49,836
The leash then began
to chase the Chihuahua.
195
00:16:00,767 --> 00:16:04,396
A big hunk of black plastic
skimmed across the pavement.
196
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:07,639
The Chihuahua stopped.
She heard a new noise.
197
00:16:07,807 --> 00:16:11,356
She looked behind her.
Here comes the leash.
198
00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:13,916
At this point, the Chihuahua
is smart enough to know-
199
00:16:14,087 --> 00:16:17,523
-that now would be
a good time to panic.
200
00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:21,760
She took off like a bullet down the
street running as fast as she could.
201
00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:25,966
But the leash
was slightly faster.
202
00:16:26,127 --> 00:16:30,439
l`m standing there,
``Where`s the video camera?``
203
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:33,997
``We can win 10,000 bucks!
`Watch what happens!```
204
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:37,523
And sure enough...
205
00:16:37,687 --> 00:16:41,282
Of course my wife
and my two oldest girls...
206
00:16:41,447 --> 00:16:45,884
Kenna and l
are rolling in the lawn.
207
00:16:54,727 --> 00:16:57,764
l`m high-fiving her,
telling her she`s a genius.
208
00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:00,316
Mommy turns around,
sees us laughing.
209
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:04,116
``Crap! Don`t look her in the eye.
Look down. Back away slowly.``
210
00:17:04,287 --> 00:17:07,996
``Rusty will piss on her later.``
211
00:17:14,887 --> 00:17:17,321
Ladies and gentlemen,
you`re an awesome audience.
212
00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:23,083
How about we get to the people
you came to see tonight?
213
00:17:29,087 --> 00:17:33,046
The first guy, l think audiences
enjoy because everyone-
214
00:17:33,207 --> 00:17:36,961
-knows someone like this. ln your
own family or where you work.
215
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:40,119
Please help me
welcome my old friend, Walter.
216
00:18:02,327 --> 00:18:05,000
Get a life.
217
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:12,521
-How you doing, Walter?
-What happened to your hair?
218
00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:15,565
Looks like
you were in a fricking car wreck.
219
00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:20,926
-They said it makes me look hip.
-l think it makes you look homeless.
220
00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:26,445
Been in D.C. fortwo days and you`re
already fricking homeless. Holy cow.
221
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,837
-Come on, Walter, do you like D.C.?
-Oh yeah.
222
00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:35,525
There`s nothing quite like being
mugged in our nation`s capital.
223
00:18:35,687 --> 00:18:39,362
There`s a lot of excitement
that goes on in Washington, D.C.
224
00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:45,204
Yeah, what happens in D.C.
stays on YouTube.
225
00:18:52,607 --> 00:18:54,882
So you don`t like being in D.C.?
226
00:18:55,047 --> 00:18:57,880
No, l like it. l get screwed
on my taxes every year.
227
00:18:58,047 --> 00:19:03,121
So it`s fun to come visit the source.
228
00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:08,720
-What did you do for fun today?
-Stood in front of the lRS building.
229
00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:11,720
l just flipped them off.
230
00:19:18,687 --> 00:19:21,076
-Did you go to the White House?
-Oh yeah.
231
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:24,603
That`s where the most
powerful man in the free world lives.
232
00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:27,964
Oprah?
233
00:19:34,447 --> 00:19:38,679
-What`s wrong with you tonight?
-l don`t know. l`m just pissed.
234
00:19:38,847 --> 00:19:41,441
-l don`t want to go home.
-Why not?
235
00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:44,440
l think my house is haunted.
236
00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:48,919
-Why do you think that?
-My wife is there.
237
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:59,120
l walk in the front door
and all l hear is, ``Get out!``
238
00:20:02,247 --> 00:20:04,807
You got in another argument
on the phone today, didn`t you?
239
00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:07,356
-You heard that, did you?
-Oh yeah.
240
00:20:07,527 --> 00:20:12,396
Hung up on her. She called right
back, ``Did you hang up on me?``
241
00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:16,958
l said, ``l don`t know, did it sound
something like this?`` - Click.
242
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:28,843
-Did that make her angry?
-l felt a disturbance in The Force.
243
00:20:29,007 --> 00:20:31,680
You ever made her that mad when
you`re standing in front of her?
244
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:36,238
Yeah. My mothertold me if you`re in
a jam and don`t know what to do-
245
00:20:36,407 --> 00:20:40,036
-you should think,
``What would Jesus do?``
246
00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:43,722
So l tried to turn her into a fish.
247
00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:51,839
l stood there going,
``Begone, Satan!``
248
00:20:52,007 --> 00:20:55,886
``Hello, Shamu!``
249
00:20:57,927 --> 00:21:02,955
Well, at least Shamu
has only one blowhole.
250
00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:14,519
Aw, screw you.
That was funny.
251
00:21:19,047 --> 00:21:22,278
Look, it`s the ClA.
252
00:21:29,367 --> 00:21:32,564
l see you.
253
00:21:36,847 --> 00:21:40,237
We can all see you.
254
00:21:44,687 --> 00:21:49,636
You know, the show
looks a lot better from the front.
255
00:21:49,807 --> 00:21:53,163
ls the director drunk?
What the hell?
256
00:22:06,207 --> 00:22:09,085
What? Holy crap!
257
00:22:17,487 --> 00:22:20,479
Wait, come back.
Let me see in there.
258
00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:25,721
This is Comedy Central.
l can see Cartman.
259
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:30,756
l can see Kenny.
Oh, he just got killed.
260
00:22:41,247 --> 00:22:43,363
You`ve been married a long time.
261
00:22:43,527 --> 00:22:47,076
Ups and downs in any marriage.
Ever been to marriage counseling?
262
00:22:47,247 --> 00:22:49,920
-Yes.
-What did that do for you?
263
00:22:50,087 --> 00:22:55,480
Look at me. l`m happy!
264
00:22:55,647 --> 00:22:58,639
Come on. What were
the results of the counseling?
265
00:22:58,807 --> 00:23:03,961
At the end of it all, there were
two folks who thought l was an ass.
266
00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:08,564
And l`m paying both of them.
267
00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:12,276
-But you are happy to be here?
-Oh sure. Betterthan last week.
268
00:23:12,447 --> 00:23:15,564
Last week? Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
You didn`t like that?
269
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:22,724
No. Everyone in Fort Lauderdale,
Florida looks exactly like me.
270
00:23:30,847 --> 00:23:34,806
l swear, it`s like
one giant nursing home.
271
00:23:34,967 --> 00:23:38,357
Ft. Lauderdale is where they tape
those ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos.
272
00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:43,282
That`s during Spring Break. The rest
of the time it`s ``Girls Gone Saggy``.
273
00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:48,525
Or it`s ``Girls Gone Senile``.
274
00:23:48,687 --> 00:23:51,804
And then it`s just ``Girls Gone``.
275
00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:56,881
-You didn`t like the weather either.
-Oh my God.
276
00:23:57,047 --> 00:24:01,723
Even in the middle of winter,
it`s humid as hell and hot as hell.
277
00:24:01,887 --> 00:24:04,196
We got there,
l took a shower on Monday.
278
00:24:04,367 --> 00:24:07,916
Friday, still not dry.
279
00:24:08,087 --> 00:24:12,046
l swear, l have moss on my ass.
280
00:24:17,567 --> 00:24:19,956
You said
the weather changes too quickly.
281
00:24:20,127 --> 00:24:24,405
l know it changes fast everywhere,
but in Florida, it`s ridiculous.
282
00:24:24,567 --> 00:24:27,684
-What are you talking about?
-l was standing on the beach.
283
00:24:27,847 --> 00:24:30,645
ln the sunshine,
having a little iced tea.
284
00:24:30,807 --> 00:24:33,924
l looked over and go,
``Ooh, look, a little cloud.``
285
00:24:34,087 --> 00:24:37,716
About three minutes later...
286
00:24:37,887 --> 00:24:41,323
``Holy crap!``
287
00:24:41,487 --> 00:24:43,682
The locals are
hanging on to the palm trees.
288
00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:47,123
``We love it here!``
289
00:24:47,287 --> 00:24:49,847
You dumbasses!
290
00:24:50,007 --> 00:24:54,762
l say, leave it to the Cubans
and get the hell out!
291
00:25:03,367 --> 00:25:05,642
Alright, so you want
someplace a little cooler.
292
00:25:05,807 --> 00:25:08,241
Remember,
we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
293
00:25:08,407 --> 00:25:14,880
Yeah, in February! lt was negative
20 with a negative 30 wind chill.
294
00:25:15,047 --> 00:25:20,405
l`d get on stage every night and say,
``You people are idiots``.
295
00:25:20,567 --> 00:25:25,561
``Did you know
the borders are open?``
296
00:25:25,727 --> 00:25:29,003
``Pack up your Suburban
and get the hell out!``
297
00:25:29,167 --> 00:25:32,045
Another thing. Green Bay Packers
stadium, what`s it called?
298
00:25:32,207 --> 00:25:38,123
-Lambo Field.
-Lambo Field. No roof. Hello!
299
00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:42,280
How many football season weekends
have good weather in Green Bay?
300
00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:45,519
That would be...none.
301
00:25:45,687 --> 00:25:50,807
Note to self: build a fricking roof.
302
00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:55,836
We have the technology.
303
00:25:56,007 --> 00:26:00,876
Yeah, you talk to the locals
in Green Bay, what do they say?
304
00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:05,006
``We love it here.``
305
00:26:05,167 --> 00:26:08,443
``We`re a hardy people.``
306
00:26:08,607 --> 00:26:12,282
A bunch of frozen dumbasses,
is what you are.
307
00:26:12,447 --> 00:26:16,725
Walter, you don`t like humidity,
you don`t like extreme cold.
308
00:26:16,887 --> 00:26:18,878
You want someplace
warmer and drier.
309
00:26:19,047 --> 00:26:24,679
-Well in August, we were in Phoenix.
-August in Phoenix, Arizona.
310
00:26:24,847 --> 00:26:28,999
Your agent is a moron.
311
00:26:31,367 --> 00:26:34,723
lt was 112 forthree days in a row.
312
00:26:34,887 --> 00:26:39,517
What do all the locals say?
``But it`s a dry heat.``
313
00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:43,282
Screw you.
314
00:26:48,887 --> 00:26:52,243
A bonfire`s a dry heat.
315
00:26:52,407 --> 00:26:55,922
You don`t see me sticking
my ass in one of those, do you?
316
00:26:56,087 --> 00:27:00,444
``Your ass is on fire.``
``lt`s a dry heat!``
317
00:27:02,207 --> 00:27:06,803
``l was in Florida,
l gotta burn off the fricking moss!``
318
00:27:10,727 --> 00:27:14,436
-Did you enjoy New York City?
-Oh, l love New York City.
319
00:27:14,607 --> 00:27:18,885
lt was great. Do shows in Manhattan,
about midnight get back to the hotel.
320
00:27:19,047 --> 00:27:21,686
At 1 a.m.,
l`d lay my head on the pillow-
321
00:27:21,847 --> 00:27:26,716
-and listen
to the sounds of the city.
322
00:27:32,287 --> 00:27:34,755
Oh my God.
323
00:27:34,927 --> 00:27:38,602
-The city that never sleeps.
-Well, it needs a fricking nap.
324
00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:43,477
You`ve eliminated every corner of the
country. What about where we live?
325
00:27:43,647 --> 00:27:46,525
People love
the weather in Southern California.
326
00:27:46,687 --> 00:27:50,316
At least with Florida and hurricanes,
you get a little notice.
327
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:54,321
You turn on the news: ``You have
three days to get the hell out!``
328
00:27:54,487 --> 00:27:56,796
-So?
-ln L.A., we`ve got earthquakes.
329
00:27:56,967 --> 00:27:59,401
We don`t know jack.
330
00:27:59,567 --> 00:28:03,799
One morning, you could be sitting
on the toilet and all of a sudden...
331
00:28:06,367 --> 00:28:09,962
There`s crap flying around the house.
332
00:28:10,127 --> 00:28:14,006
``We love it here!``
333
00:28:27,007 --> 00:28:29,760
You`re a dumbass, too.
334
00:28:29,927 --> 00:28:32,805
-Remember that last big earthquake?
-Sure.
335
00:28:32,967 --> 00:28:35,527
-Bad timing on that earthquake.
-How`s that?
336
00:28:35,687 --> 00:28:42,001
Not two seconds before it hit,
l told my grandson to pull my finger.
337
00:28:46,847 --> 00:28:51,318
He pulled it, l farted and
half the neighborhood fell down.
338
00:28:56,847 --> 00:29:01,796
That kid hasn`t come near me since.
339
00:29:01,967 --> 00:29:06,119
The other day l cracked my knuckles
and he dove underthe couch.
340
00:29:25,887 --> 00:29:30,915
-What was that?
-We`re in D.C. That was a veto.
341
00:29:39,047 --> 00:29:43,245
Walter, l`m listening to you and l
get the feeling we travel too much.
342
00:29:43,407 --> 00:29:45,398
Oh, you think?
343
00:29:45,567 --> 00:29:49,924
-Why don`t you like airplanes?
-l`m your carryon, for God`s sakes.
344
00:29:50,087 --> 00:29:54,399
l go in the x-ray machine.
l could have cancer tonight!
345
00:29:54,567 --> 00:29:58,401
-Tell them what happened at O`Hare.
-We`re going through the airport.
346
00:29:58,567 --> 00:30:01,923
l come out the other side of the
x-ray and hearthe guy say to Jeff:
347
00:30:02,087 --> 00:30:04,442
``Sir! l`ve got
to look inside your suitcase.``
348
00:30:04,607 --> 00:30:07,440
l`m lying there thinking,
``Aw crap, here we go.``
349
00:30:07,607 --> 00:30:10,565
Jeff`s standing there, the guy
opens the case, l pop up and go:
350
00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:14,356
``Hey! Shut the damned door!``
351
00:30:20,327 --> 00:30:25,003
Scared the crap out of the guy. Then
l thought about it a second and said:
352
00:30:25,167 --> 00:30:28,876
``l do not want to go to Los Angeles.``
353
00:30:36,807 --> 00:30:40,720
-And what happened?
-We were detained.
354
00:30:40,887 --> 00:30:45,722
Them bastards
have no sense of humor.
355
00:30:45,887 --> 00:30:48,003
They have to be
tight on security these days.
356
00:30:48,167 --> 00:30:50,920
l know. The terrorist threats
and all that crap.
357
00:30:51,087 --> 00:30:53,920
There`s one group of folks
l don`t understand at all.
358
00:30:54,087 --> 00:31:00,401
Damned suicide bombers.
Good God, what the hell is this?
359
00:31:05,807 --> 00:31:09,720
Well, way to go, habib.
360
00:31:09,887 --> 00:31:13,516
Bet you can`t fricking do it again.
361
00:31:26,287 --> 00:31:28,755
Dumbass.
362
00:31:28,927 --> 00:31:31,839
Walter, those guys believe
that if they martyrthemselves-
363
00:31:32,007 --> 00:31:35,204
-there will be 72 virgins
waiting forthem in Paradise.
364
00:31:35,367 --> 00:31:38,803
Well, April Fool, dumbass!
365
00:31:43,047 --> 00:31:48,599
lf there are virgins waiting for you,
it`ll be 72 guys just like you!
366
00:31:50,887 --> 00:31:54,960
``Oh no, this is not
what Osama said it would be``.
367
00:32:03,687 --> 00:32:09,842
72 virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads
who know what they`re doing?
368
00:32:29,287 --> 00:32:33,246
He had a longer fuse.
369
00:32:34,847 --> 00:32:39,284
l wonder if they pull that joke on
each other every once in a while.
370
00:32:39,447 --> 00:32:43,486
What joke?
371
00:32:46,407 --> 00:32:48,921
What the...
372
00:33:00,807 --> 00:33:03,958
``Did you see Jamil`s face?``
373
00:33:04,127 --> 00:33:07,244
``lt`s gone now,
but did you see his face?``
374
00:33:11,807 --> 00:33:16,597
72 virgins.
Sounds like a punishment to me.
375
00:33:16,767 --> 00:33:22,125
l gotta teach 72 women
how to have sex? Oh my God!
376
00:33:22,287 --> 00:33:26,075
l hope there`s no Viagra in heaven.
377
00:33:26,247 --> 00:33:31,241
lmpotence is God`s way of helping
a man like me to `just say no`.
378
00:33:37,127 --> 00:33:42,042
lf l take Viagra, it`s just to help
me keep from rolling out of bed.
379
00:33:52,807 --> 00:33:56,004
-Did you get that one?
-She got it!
380
00:33:57,007 --> 00:34:00,477
-lt`s a kickstand joke.
-Will you stop?
381
00:34:06,327 --> 00:34:09,399
What`re you shaking your head at?
You got a good love life?
382
00:34:09,567 --> 00:34:12,525
-Sure. Yeah.
-Good sex life? With your wife?
383
00:34:15,127 --> 00:34:17,561
-Yes.
-Good for her, too?
384
00:34:17,727 --> 00:34:20,560
-Yeah.
-How do you know?
385
00:34:23,087 --> 00:34:27,603
-What?
-How do you know?
386
00:34:29,327 --> 00:34:32,160
We`re waiting!
387
00:34:32,327 --> 00:34:36,115
Well, sometimes she calls me...
388
00:34:36,287 --> 00:34:38,562
...``The Hurricane``.
389
00:34:38,727 --> 00:34:43,039
-The what?
-``The Hurricane``.
390
00:34:43,207 --> 00:34:48,839
Yeah, l get it. Exciting at first,
then it ends in disaster.
391
00:34:56,047 --> 00:34:58,959
You know,
maybe she should call you ``FEMA``.
392
00:35:01,407 --> 00:35:03,477
Now what does that mean?
393
00:35:03,647 --> 00:35:08,357
Slow to respond and
not a lot of satisfying results.
394
00:35:11,687 --> 00:35:14,155
You should know.
How long have you been married?
395
00:35:14,327 --> 00:35:16,682
-47 years.
-That`s amazing.
396
00:35:16,847 --> 00:35:20,237
l know it.
That old bitch will never die.
397
00:35:21,687 --> 00:35:24,281
-How long you been married?
-17 years.
398
00:35:24,447 --> 00:35:26,677
That`s pretty good.
How do you do it?
399
00:35:26,847 --> 00:35:30,237
l learned a long time
ago that every couple argues.
400
00:35:30,407 --> 00:35:33,956
l learned that when we`re
in the middle of a big argument-
401
00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:36,846
-l just think of
something completely different.
402
00:35:37,007 --> 00:35:40,238
That takes my mind off it,
and l don`t stay angry as long.
403
00:35:40,407 --> 00:35:43,319
So you think of something
completely different? Like what?
404
00:35:43,487 --> 00:35:49,164
Oh l don`t know. Like if you choke
a Smurf, what color does it turn?
405
00:36:01,367 --> 00:36:03,517
-Choke a Smurf?
-Right.
406
00:36:03,687 --> 00:36:08,681
ls that what they`re calling it now?
407
00:36:16,207 --> 00:36:19,677
What the hell
happened to the chicken?
408
00:36:32,167 --> 00:36:35,239
Let me get back to marriage.
You`ve been married a long time.
409
00:36:35,407 --> 00:36:38,717
-Do you still really love your wife?
-Of course l love her.
410
00:36:38,887 --> 00:36:41,959
-Told her lately that you love her?
-Naw.
411
00:36:42,127 --> 00:36:44,197
-Why not?
-She knows it.
412
00:36:44,367 --> 00:36:48,042
-How does she know it?
-l smile a lot.
413
00:36:51,127 --> 00:36:53,595
-Have you ever cheated on her?
-No!
414
00:36:53,767 --> 00:36:56,281
Dammit.
415
00:36:56,447 --> 00:37:01,362
-Marriage is supposed to be forever.
-And this one`s taking too damn long.
416
00:37:01,527 --> 00:37:05,964
-Marriage is an institution.
-So is Alcatraz.
417
00:37:06,127 --> 00:37:08,641
You can`t compare
marriage to prison.
418
00:37:08,807 --> 00:37:13,597
l guess you`re right. The warden
doesn`t max out your credit cards.
419
00:37:13,767 --> 00:37:18,363
The other day she got me some
of that spray-on hair crap in a can.
420
00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:23,043
-Did you use it?
-Yeah. On your Chihuahua.
421
00:37:26,487 --> 00:37:29,957
Turned it into a Shi-Tzu.
422
00:37:30,127 --> 00:37:34,006
Your birthday wasn`t too long ago.
Did your wife get you anything?
423
00:37:34,167 --> 00:37:37,796
-She got me a book on reincarnation.
-Do you believe in reincarnation?
424
00:37:37,967 --> 00:37:40,640
-Hell, l don`t know.
-Who would you come back as?
425
00:37:40,807 --> 00:37:44,959
l`d come back as my wife
and leave me the hell alone.
426
00:37:49,007 --> 00:37:52,204
-You pick on her all the time.
-Yeah, l know.
427
00:37:52,367 --> 00:37:56,645
Maybe one day, l`ll be reincarnated
and come back as a sensitive guy.
428
00:37:56,807 --> 00:38:01,244
Driving a blue fricking Prius.
429
00:38:09,727 --> 00:38:14,437
-That is the saddest little vehicle.
-lt`s a great car!
430
00:38:14,607 --> 00:38:16,518
You ever heard it
when you`re driving by?
431
00:38:16,687 --> 00:38:20,157
lt goes, ``liiiiii`m gay.``
432
00:38:25,127 --> 00:38:28,358
``liiiiii`m gay.``
433
00:38:31,127 --> 00:38:34,802
When it idles it goes
``homohomohomohomo...``
434
00:38:40,967 --> 00:38:44,004
-ls that a new watch?
-No, l`ve had it a long time.
435
00:38:44,167 --> 00:38:49,764
A long time ago you had a rubber,
plastic ugly funny name thing.
436
00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:53,283
That was years ago
when l was in college.
437
00:38:53,447 --> 00:38:57,360
They were popular and might
be coming back. lt`s called a Swatch.
438
00:38:57,527 --> 00:38:59,677
What in the hell is a Swatch?
439
00:38:59,847 --> 00:39:04,284
A company in Switzerland invented
that watch, so they called it Swatch.
440
00:39:04,447 --> 00:39:07,325
Good thing they weren`t in Croatia.
441
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:21,158
``What time is it?``, ``l don`t
know, let me look at my Crotch.``
442
00:39:25,487 --> 00:39:29,366
``Sorry l`m late,
but my Crotch is a little slow.``
443
00:39:29,527 --> 00:39:33,918
-lt`s like the Timex, it takes a ...
-Walter!
444
00:39:34,087 --> 00:39:37,159
That`s Walter, there we go!
445
00:39:50,727 --> 00:39:52,718
Thank you.
446
00:39:52,887 --> 00:39:57,358
As we all know, there`s a big
mess in the Middle East right now.
447
00:39:57,527 --> 00:39:59,643
When it comes to the terrorists-
448
00:39:59,807 --> 00:40:03,436
-most of us don`t understand
their extremist views and beliefs.
449
00:40:03,607 --> 00:40:07,964
l was thinking, how would it be
to sit and talk to one of those guys?
450
00:40:14,767 --> 00:40:18,442
We have that opportunity tonight.
Please help me welcome-
451
00:40:18,607 --> 00:40:21,280
-Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.
452
00:40:44,407 --> 00:40:48,082
-Good evening, Achmed.
-Good evening.
453
00:40:48,247 --> 00:40:51,717
lnfidel.
454
00:40:51,887 --> 00:40:56,199
-So you`re a terrorist.
-Yes. l am a terrorist.
455
00:40:56,367 --> 00:41:02,556
-What kind of terrorist?
-A terrifying...terrorist.
456
00:41:04,167 --> 00:41:07,682
-Are you scared?
-Not really. No.
457
00:41:11,007 --> 00:41:14,477
-And now?
-Not really. No.
458
00:41:18,807 --> 00:41:21,162
-How about now?
-No.
459
00:41:21,327 --> 00:41:24,205
Goddammit.
460
00:41:27,567 --> 00:41:30,798
l mean...uh...l mean, Allahdammit.
461
00:41:32,007 --> 00:41:34,202
Silence!
462
00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:36,961
l kill you.
463
00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:49,282
-So, Achmed.
-No, no. ls Achmed.
464
00:41:49,447 --> 00:41:53,235
-That`s what l said.
-No, you said Achmed. ls Achmed.
465
00:41:54,367 --> 00:41:57,006
Silence!
466
00:41:57,167 --> 00:42:00,159
l kill you.
467
00:42:07,487 --> 00:42:11,844
-How do you spell it?
-What?
468
00:42:12,007 --> 00:42:15,556
-How do you spell your name?
-Oh let`s see. A.
469
00:42:15,727 --> 00:42:17,718
C...
470
00:42:18,767 --> 00:42:21,759
Phlegm.
471
00:42:23,967 --> 00:42:27,721
Silence! l kill you.
472
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:39,641
As a terrorist, l suppose
you have some sort of specialty.
473
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:42,844
Yes. l am a suicide bomber.
474
00:42:43,007 --> 00:42:46,920
-So, you`re finished.
-What?
475
00:42:47,087 --> 00:42:49,920
-You`ve done your job.
-No, l haven`t.
476
00:42:50,087 --> 00:42:55,445
-You`re dead.
-No, l`m not. l feel fine.
477
00:42:55,607 --> 00:43:00,123
-But you`re all bone.
-ls a flesh wound.
478
00:43:00,287 --> 00:43:04,599
Silence! l kill you.
479
00:43:07,287 --> 00:43:11,519
What the hell happened to my feet?
480
00:43:11,687 --> 00:43:17,637
Son of a bitch. What the hell?
What are you doing? Stop it!
481
00:43:17,807 --> 00:43:22,403
What are you trying to...
Stop touching me!
482
00:43:27,887 --> 00:43:31,084
l kill you!
483
00:43:31,247 --> 00:43:33,761
-We`ll fix this.
-What are you doing? Holy crap!
484
00:43:33,927 --> 00:43:39,160
l`m in the air, wait wait.
Something is backwards. Holy crap.
485
00:43:39,327 --> 00:43:42,080
l need some ligaments.
486
00:43:42,247 --> 00:43:44,397
-Just sit still.
-Okay.
487
00:43:44,567 --> 00:43:47,798
l will not move my ass.
488
00:43:47,967 --> 00:43:52,597
You idiot, you don`t have an ass!
489
00:44:00,207 --> 00:44:02,596
-ls that Walter?
-Yeah.
490
00:44:02,767 --> 00:44:05,804
He scares the crap out of me.
491
00:44:07,527 --> 00:44:10,758
Please, do not put me
back in the same suitcase.
492
00:44:10,927 --> 00:44:14,886
-Why?
-He has gas!
493
00:44:15,047 --> 00:44:20,041
Saddam`s mustard gas was
nothing compared to a Walter fart.
494
00:44:20,207 --> 00:44:24,644
Ah, ha ha ha ha.
495
00:44:30,207 --> 00:44:35,281
lt`s not funny. He will kill us.
496
00:44:35,447 --> 00:44:37,722
Listen, l have something to tell you.
497
00:44:37,887 --> 00:44:40,640
-What?
-You really are dead.
498
00:44:40,807 --> 00:44:46,359
Are you sure?
l just got my flu shot.
499
00:44:46,527 --> 00:44:48,882
-You really are dead.
-Wait, if l`m dead...
500
00:44:49,047 --> 00:44:52,722
That means l get my 72 virgins.
501
00:44:55,687 --> 00:44:58,360
Are you my virgins?
502
00:44:58,527 --> 00:45:01,166
-l hope not.
-Why?
503
00:45:01,327 --> 00:45:05,036
There`s a bunch
of ugly-ass guys out there.
504
00:45:07,847 --> 00:45:11,681
lf this is Paradise,
l`ve been screwed!
505
00:45:11,847 --> 00:45:14,566
Did they say
it would be only female virgins?
506
00:45:14,727 --> 00:45:17,287
Holy crap!
507
00:45:24,887 --> 00:45:28,766
Wait! l can have Clay Aiken.
508
00:45:34,087 --> 00:45:37,318
l told a joke.
509
00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:43,676
-Achmed, where did you come from?
-Yourfricking suitcase.
510
00:45:43,847 --> 00:45:45,838
l told another one.
511
00:45:46,007 --> 00:45:48,077
lf you`ve been in my suitcase-
512
00:45:48,247 --> 00:45:51,557
-how have we been getting
through airport security?
513
00:45:51,727 --> 00:45:58,166
That`s easy. They open the case and
l go, ``Hello! l am Lindsay Lohan!``
514
00:46:03,167 --> 00:46:08,116
l told another joke!
l can do this crap too.
515
00:46:08,287 --> 00:46:11,324
Here`s another one.
Two Jews walk in a bar...
516
00:46:11,487 --> 00:46:13,842
-No. No.
-What?
517
00:46:14,007 --> 00:46:16,567
You don`t let Jews in your bar?
518
00:46:16,727 --> 00:46:19,400
You racist bastard.
519
00:46:19,567 --> 00:46:23,276
What l mean is,
l don`t want racist jokes in my act.
520
00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:26,598
Oh. Okay.
How about if l kill the Jews?
521
00:46:26,767 --> 00:46:29,520
l`m kidding.
l would not kill the Jews.
522
00:46:29,687 --> 00:46:35,444
l would toss a penny between them
and watch them fight to the death.
523
00:46:39,647 --> 00:46:46,166
Yes, yes. l did the same thing with
two Catholic priests and a small boy.
524
00:46:51,487 --> 00:46:56,356
Yes, yes. And the winner
had to fight Michael Jackson!
525
00:46:59,327 --> 00:47:01,682
Achmed, stop doing this!
526
00:47:01,847 --> 00:47:06,363
-You can`t tell jokes like that.
-Why not? l`m killing, so to speak.
527
00:47:06,527 --> 00:47:09,360
You can`t tell jokes like that.
lt offends people.
528
00:47:09,527 --> 00:47:12,724
l`m dead, what do l care?
529
00:47:12,887 --> 00:47:15,924
What do you want me to do,
knock-knock jokes?
530
00:47:16,087 --> 00:47:18,442
-lt would be better.
-Okay, knock-knock.
531
00:47:18,607 --> 00:47:21,440
-Who`s there?
-Me, l kill you.
532
00:47:21,607 --> 00:47:24,565
As a suicide bomber,
did you have training?
533
00:47:24,727 --> 00:47:27,924
Of course. We had
the suicide bomber training camp.
534
00:47:28,087 --> 00:47:32,399
-ls that a nice facility?
-lt used to be.
535
00:47:32,567 --> 00:47:35,764
-What happened?
-New guy!
536
00:47:35,927 --> 00:47:39,317
The idiot tried to practice.
537
00:47:39,487 --> 00:47:44,402
-What did you guys learn from that?
-Location, location, location.
538
00:47:46,527 --> 00:47:50,679
Do you have a motto, like...
``We`re looking for a few good men``.
539
00:47:50,847 --> 00:47:54,476
``We`re looking for
some idiots with no future.``
540
00:47:54,647 --> 00:48:00,802
-Where do you get your recruits?
-The suicide hotline.
541
00:48:03,927 --> 00:48:07,442
That was dark, was it not?
542
00:48:07,607 --> 00:48:11,282
What exactly happened to you?
What happened?
543
00:48:11,447 --> 00:48:16,316
lf you must know,
l am a horrible suicide bomber.
544
00:48:16,487 --> 00:48:21,163
-What happened?
-l had a premature detonation.
545
00:48:21,327 --> 00:48:26,401
l set the timerfor 30 minutes,
but it went off in 4 seconds.
546
00:48:26,567 --> 00:48:30,560
You know what that`s like, right?
547
00:48:36,807 --> 00:48:40,800
``Mr. Hurricane.``
548
00:48:42,007 --> 00:48:45,238
Ha ha ha ha ha.
549
00:48:47,367 --> 00:48:50,200
Achmed,
what exactly happened to you?
550
00:48:50,367 --> 00:48:54,201
l was getting gasoline
and l answered my cellphone.
551
00:48:54,367 --> 00:48:57,404
``Can you hear me n...?``
552
00:48:57,567 --> 00:49:01,799
At first, l thought it was
because l went over my minutes.
553
00:49:01,967 --> 00:49:07,200
lt`s okay, l took
that Verizon bastard with me.
554
00:49:14,447 --> 00:49:17,484
What`s it like to die?
Do you see a white light?
555
00:49:17,647 --> 00:49:20,844
lf you`re dumb enough
to watch the explosion, yes.
556
00:49:21,007 --> 00:49:24,522
Some people say when they die they
see a white light. What did you see?
557
00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:26,882
l saw flying car parts...
558
00:49:27,047 --> 00:49:29,641
What was the last thing
through your mind?
559
00:49:29,807 --> 00:49:32,799
My ass.
560
00:49:34,087 --> 00:49:37,204
Waltertold me to tell that joke.
561
00:49:37,367 --> 00:49:44,125
-You never saw a white light?
-No, but l saw a blue Prius.
562
00:49:46,167 --> 00:49:49,762
Do you really
have one of those vehicles?
563
00:49:51,127 --> 00:49:54,756
That is not a car.
That`s a lunchbox.
564
00:49:54,927 --> 00:49:58,476
Did you know, when you`re
going down the highway in a Prius-
565
00:49:58,647 --> 00:50:03,596
-if you put your hand out the window,
the vehicle will turn?
566
00:50:03,767 --> 00:50:06,725
-You did this for a bunch of virgins?
-Are you kidding me?
567
00:50:06,887 --> 00:50:10,846
l`d kill you for a Klondike bar.
568
00:50:12,047 --> 00:50:15,198
-So, l guess you are Muslim?
-l don`t think so, no.
569
00:50:15,367 --> 00:50:20,122
Look at my ass. ``Made in China``.
570
00:50:20,287 --> 00:50:25,645
Walter says l`m just a
stinking Halloween decoration.
571
00:50:28,487 --> 00:50:32,116
-Do you like being in D.C.?
-l think some idiots must live here.
572
00:50:32,287 --> 00:50:35,279
-Why?
-The Washington Monument.
573
00:50:35,447 --> 00:50:40,601
-Yes?
-lt looks nothing like the guy.
574
00:50:40,767 --> 00:50:45,921
lt looks more like
a tribute to Bill Clinton.
575
00:50:52,167 --> 00:50:54,442
-What do you think of Bush?
-Oh, l love bush.
576
00:50:54,607 --> 00:50:57,440
Oh, you mean
the President. l`m sorry!
577
00:50:57,607 --> 00:51:01,077
That`s Achmed,
the Dead Terrorist! There we go.
578
00:51:08,567 --> 00:51:13,243
Thank you. There`s never been
a bettertime than right now-
579
00:51:13,287 --> 00:51:15,403
-to introduce
a brand new superhero.
580
00:51:15,527 --> 00:51:17,518
We have that very thing this evening.
581
00:51:17,687 --> 00:51:20,247
He`s big. He`s powerful.
Please help me welcome-
582
00:51:20,407 --> 00:51:25,003
-the superhero...Melvin.
583
00:51:32,407 --> 00:51:36,400
H...h... Hi!
584
00:51:36,567 --> 00:51:38,558
-Good to see you, Melvin.
-Thank you.
585
00:51:38,727 --> 00:51:42,640
lt`s nice being here
in our nation`s capital.
586
00:51:42,807 --> 00:51:46,766
So, you`re a superhero. What is
your most outstanding feature?
587
00:51:49,567 --> 00:51:52,320
My costume.
588
00:51:52,487 --> 00:51:54,955
-lt`s a very nice costume.
-Thank you.
589
00:51:55,127 --> 00:51:58,483
-What does the `D` stand for?
-Oh, that`s my theme song.
590
00:51:58,647 --> 00:52:04,040
-What`s your theme song?
-Da da-da daa!
591
00:52:04,207 --> 00:52:08,962
-Where did you get the costume?
-That is a superhero secret!
592
00:52:09,127 --> 00:52:11,925
-EBay?
-Dammit!
593
00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:16,285
-How did you deduce that?
-A tag on the back says EBay.
594
00:52:16,447 --> 00:52:19,484
lt`s as plain as the nose...
Oops, sorry.
595
00:52:19,647 --> 00:52:23,401
Okay, so you`re a superhero.
Do you fight crime?
596
00:52:23,567 --> 00:52:26,127
-Yes, of course!
-What kind of crime?
597
00:52:26,287 --> 00:52:28,676
Bad kind.
598
00:52:28,847 --> 00:52:34,080
-So what have you done lately?
-Today, l was battling a terrorist.
599
00:52:34,247 --> 00:52:37,045
-Achmed?
-Yes.
600
00:52:37,207 --> 00:52:41,598
-And what kind of battle?
-Checkers.
601
00:52:43,647 --> 00:52:48,118
Every time l`d get a king,
he`d blow it up.
602
00:52:48,287 --> 00:52:51,597
-So what did you do?
-l issued a verbal threat.
603
00:52:51,767 --> 00:52:56,124
And then Walter gassed him.
604
00:53:03,647 --> 00:53:06,480
-Melvin, do you have any powers?
-Yes!
605
00:53:06,647 --> 00:53:09,798
-Like what?
-l can fly. Really far.
606
00:53:09,967 --> 00:53:15,087
-How far?
-How far can you throw me?
607
00:53:15,247 --> 00:53:18,683
-Do you have other powers?
-X-ray vision!
608
00:53:18,847 --> 00:53:21,998
Can you see through
something practical, like clothes?
609
00:53:22,167 --> 00:53:25,318
Oh, you`re sick.
610
00:53:25,487 --> 00:53:28,126
Yes.
611
00:53:28,287 --> 00:53:31,996
l love looking at boobies.
612
00:53:34,807 --> 00:53:38,880
That`s a beautiful pair, isn`t it?
613
00:53:39,047 --> 00:53:44,644
l`m glad l`m wearing loose shorts.
614
00:53:44,807 --> 00:53:52,487
Oh, l forgot.
l can`t see through silicone.
615
00:53:52,647 --> 00:53:56,925
What? They`re good.
Those are super-hooters.
616
00:53:57,087 --> 00:54:01,603
lf she had a theme song,
it would be Ta ta-ta taa!
617
00:54:05,927 --> 00:54:11,479
lf she had a costume,
she`d have two Ds on her chest.
618
00:54:11,647 --> 00:54:14,684
-l can look but l can`t touch.
-Why?
619
00:54:14,847 --> 00:54:17,998
l`m lactose intolerant.
620
00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:23,195
You can fly and have x-ray vision.
Those are the same as Superman!
621
00:54:23,367 --> 00:54:28,157
-Can you stop a speeding bullet?
-Once.
622
00:54:31,527 --> 00:54:36,078
Shut up! lt hurts like hell.
623
00:54:36,247 --> 00:54:38,761
Can you leap
tall buildings in a single bound?
624
00:54:38,927 --> 00:54:43,637
Why the hell would l do that?
There`s not a lot of call for that.
625
00:54:43,807 --> 00:54:47,402
-Superman does that.
-Show-off.
626
00:54:47,567 --> 00:54:51,845
He could avoid all the fuss and
just walk around the effing thing.
627
00:54:53,087 --> 00:54:57,444
l can`t curse.
l think the President should.
628
00:54:57,607 --> 00:55:00,565
-The President?
-Yeah. Think about it.
629
00:55:00,727 --> 00:55:07,326
We had the A-bomb, the H-bomb.
lt`s time for him to drop the F-bomb.
630
00:55:15,367 --> 00:55:19,280
He could go,
``Hey, terrorists! F you!``
631
00:55:19,447 --> 00:55:22,917
So, like Superman, do you
change clothes in a phone booth?
632
00:55:23,087 --> 00:55:25,282
What?
633
00:55:25,447 --> 00:55:29,645
-Superman does that too.
-He`s got issues, doesn`t he?
634
00:55:29,807 --> 00:55:32,605
My wife met Lois Lane once.
635
00:55:32,767 --> 00:55:37,158
She said she acted
like an H-O-R-E.
636
00:55:37,327 --> 00:55:39,966
You mean a W-H-O-R-E.
637
00:55:40,127 --> 00:55:46,839
What`s a `w-hore`?
ls that like a Klingon?
638
00:55:47,007 --> 00:55:49,726
So you`re married.
Does your wife have any powers?
639
00:55:49,887 --> 00:55:51,798
-Yes.
-Like what?
640
00:55:51,967 --> 00:55:55,801
Once a month...
641
00:55:57,287 --> 00:56:00,438
She becomes evil.
642
00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:03,679
And l cannot defeat her.
643
00:56:03,847 --> 00:56:09,205
Our children run in terror.
Our big dog cowers underthe couch.
644
00:56:09,367 --> 00:56:13,963
-You have a big dog?
-Actually, l borrowed your Chihuahua.
645
00:56:14,127 --> 00:56:19,326
Superman has a dog, Krypto. He has
all the same powers as Superman.
646
00:56:19,487 --> 00:56:22,843
That`s ridiculous.
lf Krypto sniffs your crotch-
647
00:56:23,007 --> 00:56:26,841
-he`ll suck your lungs out your ass.
648
00:56:28,607 --> 00:56:33,078
lf he humps your leg,
you`ll be in traction for a year.
649
00:56:33,247 --> 00:56:39,482
-Do you have an arch enemy?
-Pinocchio.
650
00:56:39,647 --> 00:56:42,684
-Do you have a weakness?
-Cupcakes.
651
00:56:42,847 --> 00:56:46,726
And porn.
652
00:56:46,887 --> 00:56:50,880
What? Not at the same time.
653
00:56:51,047 --> 00:56:55,404
l need a free hand.
654
00:57:01,327 --> 00:57:04,364
So, when there`s a problem,
how are you summoned?
655
00:57:04,527 --> 00:57:08,076
l`m making a deal with
the Commissioner to light up the sky-
656
00:57:08,247 --> 00:57:10,761
-with a spotlight of my symbol.
657
00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:15,045
-What`s your symbol?
-A big nose in the sky.
658
00:57:15,207 --> 00:57:20,156
Trouble is, sometimes it
doesn`t exactly look like a nose.
659
00:57:27,007 --> 00:57:31,205
lt`s not a cupcake, either.
660
00:57:31,367 --> 00:57:34,359
Da da-da daa!
661
00:57:34,527 --> 00:57:36,518
Are you friends
with other superheroes?
662
00:57:36,687 --> 00:57:38,962
-Some of them.
-How about Aquaman?
663
00:57:39,127 --> 00:57:42,483
l like Aquaman, he can
breathe underwater and talk to fish.
664
00:57:42,647 --> 00:57:47,482
Yeah, great. He has all
the same powers as SpongeBob.
665
00:57:49,047 --> 00:57:51,322
-How about the Hulk?
-Why do you like the Hulk?
666
00:57:51,487 --> 00:57:53,717
The angrier he gets,
the stronger he gets.
667
00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:58,517
Yeah, like
every white trash guy on Cops .
668
00:58:02,967 --> 00:58:06,846
-l like the Flash.
-He has no powers!
669
00:58:07,007 --> 00:58:10,079
He`s on meth.
670
00:58:10,247 --> 00:58:13,876
-Catwoman?
-l used to date Catwoman.
671
00:58:14,047 --> 00:58:19,724
She gave me something
l had to take medicine to get rid of.
672
00:58:19,887 --> 00:58:22,924
And boy, does it itch.
673
00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:26,523
And now it burns when l fly.
674
00:58:26,687 --> 00:58:30,043
Da da-da daa...
675
00:58:45,767 --> 00:58:49,316
Son of a bitch!
676
00:58:49,487 --> 00:58:52,923
lt`s the terrorists, l tell you.
677
00:58:56,527 --> 00:59:00,122
l look like Lex Luthor.
678
00:59:00,287 --> 00:59:05,281
-Can you put it back?
-Sure. Here we go.
679
00:59:05,447 --> 00:59:09,918
-How`s that?
-Da da-da daa.
680
00:59:17,487 --> 00:59:20,559
That kinda sucked.
681
00:59:20,727 --> 00:59:25,357
-Do superheroes date each other?
-We date mortals sometimes, too.
682
00:59:25,527 --> 00:59:29,998
Did you know that Superman
was dating Rosie O`Donnell?
683
00:59:30,167 --> 00:59:32,203
-l did not know that.
-He had to quit.
684
00:59:32,367 --> 00:59:35,518
Because she got too big.
685
00:59:35,687 --> 00:59:40,158
He took her on one flight
and threw out his back.
686
00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:44,036
Embarrassing when you`re
flying a girl around Metropolis-
687
00:59:44,207 --> 00:59:47,802
-and yourfeet
are still dragging the sidewalk.
688
00:59:52,487 --> 00:59:55,763
Da da-da daa.
689
00:59:55,927 --> 01:00:00,796
This looks like a job for Slim-Fast!
690
01:00:03,287 --> 01:00:06,165
-One last guy, how about Batman?
-Oh.
691
01:00:06,327 --> 01:00:10,764
A grown man in a rubber suit,
running around with a young boy?
692
01:00:10,927 --> 01:00:16,047
l don`t have to have x-ray vision to
see what the hell`s going on there.
693
01:00:16,207 --> 01:00:20,120
l wondered about these superheroes
and their young men sidekicks.
694
01:00:24,647 --> 01:00:29,437
You have five men in a suitcase.
695
01:00:29,607 --> 01:00:33,566
And one of them`s on a stick.
696
01:00:42,367 --> 01:00:46,599
Who is sliding down
the proverbial Batpole now?
697
01:00:46,767 --> 01:00:51,887
lf you had a theme song,
it would be La la-la laa.
698
01:00:52,047 --> 01:00:57,963
-You know, l have a wife and kids.
-So does Tom Cruise!
699
01:00:59,007 --> 01:01:02,044
And that`s Melvin the Superhero.
There we go.
700
01:01:07,527 --> 01:01:09,916
Thank you.
701
01:01:15,167 --> 01:01:18,079
Thank you so much.
702
01:01:18,247 --> 01:01:22,206
lf you`ve seen my show before,
you`ll recognize this next guy.
703
01:01:22,367 --> 01:01:25,518
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut.
704
01:01:36,087 --> 01:01:38,476
-How you doing, Peanut?
-Pretty good, how are you?
705
01:01:38,647 --> 01:01:42,526
-l`m fine.
-That`s good, that`s gooooooood.
706
01:01:43,887 --> 01:01:48,119
-So, you like it here?
-Oh, l love being in D.C.
707
01:01:48,287 --> 01:01:53,839
D.C! lt`s great. And l love this
theater, the Warner Theater.
708
01:01:54,007 --> 01:01:56,760
lt`s fantastic.
And they`ve got a cool website.
709
01:01:56,927 --> 01:01:59,964
And a link to our website
which is jeffdunham.com.
710
01:02:00,127 --> 01:02:02,846
-The thing that...
-Peanut, stop...
711
01:02:03,007 --> 01:02:06,238
What?
712
01:02:06,407 --> 01:02:11,720
The hell is wrong with you?
We cannot talk at the same time!
713
01:02:18,847 --> 01:02:22,157
l talk, you talk.
l talk, you talk, that`s it!
714
01:02:22,327 --> 01:02:26,081
Focus.
715
01:02:29,727 --> 01:02:32,844
l am so sick of this crap.
716
01:02:33,007 --> 01:02:37,000
-l have tried going solo.
-What happened?
717
01:02:37,167 --> 01:02:42,036
l kept falling off
this fricking thing.
718
01:02:42,207 --> 01:02:44,277
Why did you interrupt me?
719
01:02:44,447 --> 01:02:48,076
-You mispronounced my last name.
-l know.
720
01:02:48,247 --> 01:02:52,320
-lt`s Dunham.
-Not when you look at it. Dun-Ham.
721
01:02:52,487 --> 01:02:55,285
Haaaaaam.
722
01:02:55,447 --> 01:02:59,042
You`re the other white meat.
723
01:03:02,367 --> 01:03:04,676
Don`t confuse everyone. lt`s Dunham.
724
01:03:04,847 --> 01:03:07,156
lt says Dun-ham ham ham ham.
725
01:03:15,687 --> 01:03:20,715
Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com.
726
01:03:20,887 --> 01:03:25,677
Jeff Dun Ham. Dot Com.
727
01:03:29,847 --> 01:03:35,319
And when you think about it for
30 seconds, it`s Jefa Fa Dun Ham.
728
01:03:36,327 --> 01:03:38,363
Dot Com.
729
01:03:38,527 --> 01:03:42,520
Jefa Fa.
You`re using an unneeded `F`.
730
01:03:42,687 --> 01:03:47,841
Jefa Fa. Dun Ham.
731
01:03:48,007 --> 01:03:50,919
Dot Com.
732
01:03:54,487 --> 01:03:58,878
Am l pissing you ofa fa?
733
01:04:08,287 --> 01:04:10,755
Jefa Fa?
734
01:04:10,927 --> 01:04:15,443
Dun Ham. Dot Com.
735
01:04:15,607 --> 01:04:20,965
The weird part is,
l am actually pissing him off.
736
01:04:21,127 --> 01:04:24,961
And he would like to kill me.
But he will not-
737
01:04:25,127 --> 01:04:29,120
-because that would be
a form of suicide.
738
01:04:30,607 --> 01:04:32,677
-You want to kill me.
-No, l don`t.
739
01:04:32,847 --> 01:04:38,797
Yes, yes, yes.
Search yourfeelings, Jefa Fa.
740
01:04:42,607 --> 01:04:46,839
Dun Ham. Dot Com.
741
01:04:57,327 --> 01:05:01,639
-What?
-Dude, you need a Tic-Tac.
742
01:05:06,727 --> 01:05:11,084
You know what your breath
smells like? Done ham.
743
01:05:12,927 --> 01:05:14,918
Dot Com.
744
01:05:18,847 --> 01:05:21,281
What the hell was that?
745
01:05:21,447 --> 01:05:23,677
-What?
-What did you just do?
746
01:05:23,847 --> 01:05:27,476
-l didn`t do anything.
-You picked your nose.
747
01:05:27,647 --> 01:05:33,119
Did you see that?
- Oh my God.
748
01:05:33,287 --> 01:05:38,236
You fricking picked...your nose!
749
01:05:52,287 --> 01:05:56,121
-What?
-You didn`t do a very good job!
750
01:06:05,647 --> 01:06:08,719
-There`s still something there.
-Cut it out!
751
01:06:08,887 --> 01:06:11,959
-You gotta get it. lt`s wiggling.
-Stop it!
752
01:06:12,127 --> 01:06:17,326
Oh wait! You`re a ventriloquist.
Make it talk.
753
01:06:21,247 --> 01:06:26,605
That`d be funny as hell!
Only give it a French accent.
754
01:06:26,767 --> 01:06:32,364
``Bonjour! l would like to
come out of your nose!``
755
01:06:36,327 --> 01:06:38,557
Stop it.
756
01:06:53,927 --> 01:06:56,680
Holy crap, you`re quick.
757
01:06:56,847 --> 01:07:01,159
lt`s like you know.
758
01:07:18,247 --> 01:07:21,080
You do that now, you just go...
759
01:07:21,247 --> 01:07:26,640
-That`s always been yourthing.
-You do it. Short one, long one.
760
01:07:26,807 --> 01:07:29,719
Do it!
761
01:07:35,967 --> 01:07:38,765
Do it.
762
01:07:42,567 --> 01:07:48,881
What the hell was that? You
sound like some anemic French guy.
763
01:07:52,127 --> 01:07:54,721
German: jawohl !
764
01:07:54,887 --> 01:07:58,197
Chinese:
765
01:07:58,367 --> 01:08:00,961
Gay guy:
766
01:08:07,647 --> 01:08:12,846
Oh, oh! Wait, wait.
A guy driving a blue Prius:
767
01:08:21,487 --> 01:08:24,001
You know what
would be funny as hell?
768
01:08:24,167 --> 01:08:30,322
When this gets on Comedy Central,
if the show is sponsored by Toyota.
769
01:08:34,447 --> 01:08:37,883
And they have no idea.
770
01:08:38,047 --> 01:08:42,006
One night
they`re watching this like, ``Hey!``
771
01:08:42,167 --> 01:08:46,877
``He making fun of our cars!``
772
01:08:51,847 --> 01:08:55,044
``He say our car is gay.``
773
01:08:55,207 --> 01:08:58,324
``lt not gay, he gay.``
774
01:08:58,487 --> 01:09:01,001
``Let`s get Godzilla to kill him.``
775
01:09:12,527 --> 01:09:15,439
-lt`s a tiny little car, isn`t it?
-lt`s small.
776
01:09:15,607 --> 01:09:21,239
l bet to get in and out,
you gotta use a lot of lotion.
777
01:09:35,847 --> 01:09:40,398
-That`s not funny.
-They are laughing like hell.
778
01:09:42,287 --> 01:09:45,085
-Does your wife drive that car?
-The Prius? Oh, sure.
779
01:09:45,247 --> 01:09:48,000
-Good. How`s she doing?
-My wife? She`s fine.
780
01:09:48,167 --> 01:09:50,806
-Oh, good. How`s the family?
-They`re fine.
781
01:09:50,967 --> 01:09:55,358
-Oh, good! l was just wondering.
-Thanks a lot.
782
01:09:55,527 --> 01:09:57,518
-Everything`s fine?
-Everything`s fine.
783
01:09:57,687 --> 01:10:02,841
l just want to make sure.
Because l`m your pal.
784
01:10:03,007 --> 01:10:06,716
-Thank you.
-So l`m concerned.
785
01:10:06,887 --> 01:10:11,597
-About what?
-l was just thinking the other day.
786
01:10:11,767 --> 01:10:17,637
We`re on the road a lot.
You`re away from home a lot.
787
01:10:17,807 --> 01:10:22,039
And your wife`s at home alone. A lot.
788
01:10:22,207 --> 01:10:26,086
-Okay?
-Yeah.
789
01:10:26,247 --> 01:10:30,035
-She`s not exactly bad-looking.
-No.
790
01:10:30,207 --> 01:10:32,846
She`s hot.
791
01:10:34,287 --> 01:10:38,360
And her prime is now.
792
01:10:38,527 --> 01:10:43,555
Yours was 20 years ago.
793
01:10:48,967 --> 01:10:52,755
And she`s home. Alone.
794
01:10:52,927 --> 01:10:55,646
Are you sure?
795
01:10:55,807 --> 01:10:59,925
-Yeah.
-How do you know?
796
01:11:00,087 --> 01:11:04,000
l trust her.
797
01:11:05,887 --> 01:11:08,765
What if she`s been
with someone else?
798
01:11:08,927 --> 01:11:11,919
Like...me!
799
01:11:12,087 --> 01:11:15,966
Oh, come on.
You go purple, you never go back!
800
01:11:21,247 --> 01:11:24,125
l really don`t think my wife
has slept with you, Peanut.
801
01:11:24,287 --> 01:11:28,678
Well, think about this for a second.
ln a twisted kind of way-
802
01:11:28,847 --> 01:11:33,557
-all five of us on stage
have slept with your wife.
803
01:11:35,807 --> 01:11:38,765
When you`re wacky and
having a great time, that`s me!
804
01:11:38,927 --> 01:11:41,236
When you`re pissed off,
lying there thinking-
805
01:11:41,407 --> 01:11:46,356
-``why did l marry this broad?``,
that`s Walter.
806
01:11:46,527 --> 01:11:51,123
When you`re so angry
you want to kill her, that`s Achmed.
807
01:11:51,287 --> 01:11:54,484
So what is Jose Jalapeno on a Stick?
808
01:11:54,647 --> 01:11:58,162
You`re a sick man!
809
01:11:58,327 --> 01:12:02,206
And here he is,
Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!
810
01:12:11,407 --> 01:12:16,197
-Good evening, Jose.
-Hola, Senor Heff.
811
01:12:16,367 --> 01:12:20,155
-lt`s good to see you.
-Gracias, Senor Heff.
812
01:12:20,327 --> 01:12:23,524
-Excuse me! Who the hell is `Heff`?
-That`s Jeff.
813
01:12:23,687 --> 01:12:26,281
-No, he said `Heff`.
-lt`s the same thing.
814
01:12:26,447 --> 01:12:28,802
No, it`s not.
815
01:12:28,967 --> 01:12:31,765
-Jose, what did you say?
-l say Senor Heff.
816
01:12:31,927 --> 01:12:34,805
What the f...Now he said `Cheff`.
817
01:12:34,967 --> 01:12:39,643
-lt`s all the same.
-Didn`t you watch Sesame Street?
818
01:12:39,807 --> 01:12:43,846
Jeff is Jeff, Heff is Heff
and Cheff is Cheff.
819
01:12:44,007 --> 01:12:48,285
One of these things
just doesnt belong here!
820
01:12:55,647 --> 01:13:00,277
Tonight`s show is
sponsored by the sound chhhhhh.
821
01:13:00,447 --> 01:13:04,998
-l`m sorry, Jose.
-ls okay. He`s an idiot.
822
01:13:05,167 --> 01:13:12,278
You`re on a stick.
Stica ka. Jefa fa.
823
01:13:14,807 --> 01:13:18,595
l have a question for Josie.
824
01:13:26,247 --> 01:13:28,681
My name is Jose.
825
01:13:28,847 --> 01:13:35,036
Oh, l`m sorry, l thought we were in
America, speaking fricking English.
826
01:13:35,207 --> 01:13:39,325
But l didn`t see
the little...overthe `e`.
827
01:13:39,487 --> 01:13:43,878
Which magically
changes Josie into fricking Jose.
828
01:13:44,047 --> 01:13:46,720
And l didn`t see the...over the `n`-
829
01:13:46,887 --> 01:13:50,960
-which changes
jalapeno into jalapeno.
830
01:13:51,127 --> 01:13:53,322
So a...overthe `n`
and a...over the `e`.
831
01:13:53,487 --> 01:13:59,437
Two keys l can never
fricking find on a fricking keyboard.
832
01:14:02,887 --> 01:14:06,766
Apparently it`s a secret
known only to the Mexicans.
833
01:14:06,927 --> 01:14:11,717
So, Jose, when you`re typing...
Oh! l`m sorry.
834
01:14:17,407 --> 01:14:21,878
Talk about `hunt and peck`.
835
01:14:22,047 --> 01:14:27,644
-l`m sorry, Jose.
-ls OK. l`ll hire Achmed to kill him.
836
01:14:27,807 --> 01:14:30,799
So, what`s your question?
And be nice.
837
01:14:30,967 --> 01:14:35,643
-You`re a jalapeno.
- Si, senor. On a stick.
838
01:14:35,807 --> 01:14:40,039
-You`re a Mexican jalapeno.
-On a stick.
839
01:14:40,207 --> 01:14:43,643
Are you a legal Mexican jalapeno?
840
01:14:45,687 --> 01:14:49,441
-What? What did l say?
-This is not the appropriate time.
841
01:14:49,607 --> 01:14:55,079
Too late! So, Jose, are you legal?
Are you legal, legal, legal, lega...?
842
01:14:57,767 --> 01:15:00,486
-What?
-l know the answer to the question.
843
01:15:00,647 --> 01:15:02,638
Jose? Are you legal
to be in this country?
844
01:15:02,807 --> 01:15:05,958
Si, senor.
l have my green card.
845
01:15:06,127 --> 01:15:11,440
-Where is your green card?
-lt`s in my other stick.
846
01:15:14,767 --> 01:15:18,965
-Did you know he had another stick?
-l had no idea.
847
01:15:19,127 --> 01:15:25,521
You know what that means?
That means that one comes out!
848
01:15:37,967 --> 01:15:43,678
Oh my God! l thought
it was just stuck up his ass.
849
01:15:43,847 --> 01:15:47,123
-What`s wrong?
-He doesn`t have an ass.
850
01:15:47,287 --> 01:15:49,278
-lt`s just a jalapeno.
-On a stick.
851
01:15:49,447 --> 01:15:51,722
l know!
852
01:15:51,887 --> 01:15:54,321
-How did he get on the stick?
-l don`t know.
853
01:15:54,487 --> 01:15:57,638
Probably a horrible pogo accident.
854
01:15:57,807 --> 01:16:01,197
You know...doink doink.
855
01:16:03,367 --> 01:16:06,564
Ole!
856
01:16:12,647 --> 01:16:16,083
Jose, immigration is a
big topic in the country right now.
857
01:16:16,247 --> 01:16:19,762
Would you mind
if l ask a few questions?
858
01:16:19,927 --> 01:16:23,681
There are more National Guard on
the border between USA and Mexico.
859
01:16:23,847 --> 01:16:25,838
-Does this concern you?
-No, senor.
860
01:16:26,007 --> 01:16:30,683
-Why not?
-He`s already here!
861
01:16:33,527 --> 01:16:37,076
You really are an idiot!
862
01:16:37,247 --> 01:16:41,479
Jose, are you here on a
temporary visa, or on a work visa?
863
01:16:41,647 --> 01:16:45,356
He`s here on a stick.
864
01:16:48,007 --> 01:16:52,205
-Do you enjoy being in this country?
-Sometimes l`m afraid for my life.
865
01:16:52,367 --> 01:16:55,962
-Why?
-Taco Bell.
866
01:17:03,287 --> 01:17:06,359
-Jose, do you have a new girlfriend?
- Si, senor.
867
01:17:06,527 --> 01:17:10,440
-What, a fricking pickle on a pencil?
-Stop it!
868
01:17:13,687 --> 01:17:15,962
-Peanut, are you prejudiced?
-No!
869
01:17:16,127 --> 01:17:21,326
A bunch of
my best friends are on sticks.
870
01:17:21,487 --> 01:17:24,001
Peanut, l meant are you
prejudiced towards Mexicans?
871
01:17:24,167 --> 01:17:28,479
No. My mother`s Mexican.
872
01:17:30,807 --> 01:17:34,083
Okay, l meant New Mexican.
873
01:17:34,247 --> 01:17:38,001
She`s like Jose, just...fresher.
874
01:17:38,167 --> 01:17:41,682
-Jose, you speak English very well.
-Gracias, senor.
875
01:17:41,847 --> 01:17:45,283
What were some of the first phrases
in English that you learned?
876
01:17:45,447 --> 01:17:49,122
``Will you help me push my car?``
877
01:18:01,527 --> 01:18:05,406
-``Does this lD look real?``
-Will you s...
878
01:18:05,567 --> 01:18:10,163
-``Where`s the nearest Home Depot?``
-Stop it!
879
01:18:10,327 --> 01:18:14,923
Actually, the last one was true.
880
01:18:15,087 --> 01:18:18,477
l`m sorry about this, Jose.
l`m happy to have you in the act.
881
01:18:18,647 --> 01:18:20,763
- Gracias, senor.
-Just make sure he`s legal.
882
01:18:20,927 --> 01:18:25,239
-He`s legal. Why are you concerned?
-Are you not concerned?
883
01:18:25,407 --> 01:18:29,685
-Why should l be concerned?
-He works for you!
884
01:18:29,847 --> 01:18:34,318
Some of those laws pass and he`s not
legal, it`s your ass thrown in jail.
885
01:18:34,487 --> 01:18:37,718
And trust me,
you would not do well in prison.
886
01:18:37,887 --> 01:18:42,085
-Why not?
-``Come here, puppet boy!``
887
01:18:49,447 --> 01:18:53,235
``Make your daddy talk.``
888
01:18:53,407 --> 01:18:57,525
That`s nice. So you`re pretty sure
l`d soon become someone`s...
889
01:18:57,687 --> 01:18:59,882
-Bitch.
-Right.
890
01:19:00,047 --> 01:19:02,197
On a stick.
891
01:19:02,367 --> 01:19:08,920
You guys have been an awesome
audience. Thank you. Good night.
74035
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