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1
00:00:00,424 --> 00:00:02,406
It's hard to feel great about how you look.
2
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,943
But even after three kids
and a stressful-ass job, I feel pretty good.
3
00:00:05,977 --> 00:00:10,280
Oh! I almost forgot, beta, I got you a gift.
4
00:00:10,315 --> 00:00:13,450
Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Mom.
5
00:00:15,386 --> 00:00:18,155
Anti-aging serum for dry, dull skin
6
00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:19,690
by Susan Sarandon. Really?
7
00:00:19,724 --> 00:00:22,259
Only I love you enough to
tell you that your face
8
00:00:22,293 --> 00:00:24,928
is beginning to look
like your father's elbow.
9
00:00:24,963 --> 00:00:26,964
Bye!
10
00:00:26,998 --> 00:00:29,600
That's my mom... she hones in
on your deepest insecurity
11
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:31,435
then walks away like an action hero.
12
00:00:31,469 --> 00:00:34,638
Good evening, Maya. As always,
thank you again for watching Jake.
13
00:00:34,672 --> 00:00:36,673
Oh, if you really want to thank me,
14
00:00:36,708 --> 00:00:39,943
try gift cards, man. Kidding!
15
00:00:39,978 --> 00:00:41,278
Oh! Oh!
16
00:00:41,312 --> 00:00:43,280
A hug. Okay.
17
00:00:44,182 --> 00:00:45,349
Sweet.
18
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:47,951
- Hey.
- Hey.
19
00:00:47,986 --> 00:00:49,686
Your mother is not so bad.
20
00:00:49,721 --> 00:00:51,054
What did you just say to me?
21
00:00:51,089 --> 00:00:52,155
Wow. Whoa.
22
00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:53,323
You know what? I'm so sorry.
23
00:00:53,358 --> 00:00:55,025
It's just I was raised by her.
24
00:00:55,059 --> 00:00:56,526
I'm just saying that we
are starting to connect.
25
00:00:56,561 --> 00:00:58,662
She just gave me a hug.
I mean, it was awkward
26
00:00:58,696 --> 00:01:01,131
and her arms were kinda dance-y,
but it was nice.
27
00:01:01,724 --> 00:01:03,567
Oh, you sweet, unsuspecting man.
28
00:01:03,601 --> 00:01:06,236
That wasn't a hug. It was a "Fat Pat."
29
00:01:06,271 --> 00:01:08,538
It's how my mom checks if
someone's gained weight.
30
00:01:08,573 --> 00:01:11,208
David would be so embarrassed
to know he's put on a few.
31
00:01:11,242 --> 00:01:13,510
And I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.
32
00:01:13,544 --> 00:01:17,581
I'll celebrate this mother-in-law
milestone with a milkshake.
33
00:01:17,615 --> 00:01:19,316
Okay, you do that, sweetie.
34
00:01:19,350 --> 00:01:22,519
I see this man naked.
He hasn't put on that much... oh!
35
00:01:22,553 --> 00:01:24,354
Little more dough in the bro.
36
00:01:24,389 --> 00:01:27,024
David's gaining weight.
I'm getting wrinkles.
37
00:01:27,058 --> 00:01:29,159
Ugh. I hate when my mom is right.
38
00:01:29,193 --> 00:01:31,261
I wonder if they can
suck something out of him
39
00:01:31,296 --> 00:01:33,163
and inject it into my laugh lines.
40
00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:42,759
_
41
00:01:43,308 --> 00:01:45,175
So my mom got me wrinkle cream.
42
00:01:45,209 --> 00:01:47,678
I won't let her get into my head...
David's either.
43
00:01:47,712 --> 00:01:49,346
I'm not gonna tell him about the Fat Pat.
44
00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:50,714
He's way too sensitive.
45
00:01:50,748 --> 00:01:52,382
I'm gonna be body-positive today.
46
00:01:53,657 --> 00:01:54,849
Oh, my God!
47
00:01:54,884 --> 00:01:57,691
What the [bleep] is that [bleep] picture
doing the [bleep] up there?
48
00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:58,622
Nasty.
49
00:01:58,656 --> 00:02:02,025
Don't blame us. They used it on
this year's "GamePunch" launch party invite.
50
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:04,528
Yeah, have a slice of chill pie, okay?
51
00:02:04,562 --> 00:02:07,728
We're not just laughing at you.
We're laughing at David, too.
52
00:02:07,902 --> 00:02:08,632
Yeah.
53
00:02:08,666 --> 00:02:11,268
I had to hide that picture
from him for a year.
54
00:02:11,302 --> 00:02:13,193
If he sees that, he will spiral.
55
00:02:13,228 --> 00:02:15,138
My husband's vain too.
David's way of dealing
56
00:02:15,173 --> 00:02:17,708
with being over 40 is complete denial.
57
00:02:17,742 --> 00:02:20,544
The other day, I caught him on Amazon
looking at skateboards.
58
00:02:20,578 --> 00:02:23,547
Not me! Don't use Amazon,
and I've never taken a bad picture.
59
00:02:23,581 --> 00:02:25,382
You just gotta know your angles, bitches.
60
00:02:25,416 --> 00:02:27,250
There was no good angle then, bitch.
61
00:02:27,285 --> 00:02:28,785
That was taken right after I had Jake.
62
00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:31,388
David gained 30 pounds,
I was getting no sleep,
63
00:02:31,422 --> 00:02:32,789
my hair was somehow greasy and dry,
64
00:02:32,824 --> 00:02:34,658
and I was just shoveling food down
65
00:02:34,692 --> 00:02:37,479
because my body was trying
to feed the baby it had made.
66
00:02:37,514 --> 00:02:38,628
- Ooh, yucky.
- Yeah.
67
00:02:38,663 --> 00:02:40,397
It's not yucky, it's life.
68
00:02:40,431 --> 00:02:43,166
Like any of you can do something
that amazing with your bodies.
69
00:02:43,201 --> 00:02:45,172
Beg to differ. I can do this:
70
00:02:51,309 --> 00:02:53,343
Those noises are coming from his mouth!
71
00:02:53,378 --> 00:02:54,845
That's incredible!
72
00:02:57,148 --> 00:02:59,282
The human body is amazing.
73
00:02:59,317 --> 00:03:01,785
Okay, I kept a baby alive,
74
00:03:01,819 --> 00:03:03,754
but yeah, actually, that was pretty dope.
75
00:03:03,788 --> 00:03:08,125
Okay, you know what? The launch party
is gonna be our power couple moment.
76
00:03:08,159 --> 00:03:11,294
This year, Dave and I are gonna take
the hottest picture instead of looking like
77
00:03:11,329 --> 00:03:13,530
the human rubble left after having kids.
78
00:03:13,564 --> 00:03:14,731
Bam.
79
00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:18,268
You guys just wanna listen to
Griff beatbox again, don't you?
80
00:03:18,302 --> 00:03:19,636
- It's all I can think about.
- Yes, please.
81
00:03:21,806 --> 00:03:24,508
It really is a miracle!
82
00:03:25,476 --> 00:03:27,444
I can't believe the whole company
83
00:03:27,478 --> 00:03:29,713
saw that terrible picture.
David would be mortified too.
84
00:03:29,747 --> 00:03:32,783
I've made my appointments:
mani-pedi, facial, color, wax.
85
00:03:32,817 --> 00:03:36,319
Now how do I gently tell my husband
he also has some work to do?
86
00:03:36,354 --> 00:03:39,823
Oh, mama! I combined two lasagna recipes
87
00:03:39,857 --> 00:03:42,826
for seven layers of zestiness!
88
00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:44,361
Dear God.
89
00:03:44,395 --> 00:03:45,629
Oh, hey, babe, I have an idea.
90
00:03:45,663 --> 00:03:47,164
- What?
- Do you know the kids
91
00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:49,166
could eat off of that for three days
92
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,669
if you and I don't have any
and just have that beautiful salad?
93
00:03:52,703 --> 00:03:54,237
The kids? Mm-mm.
94
00:03:54,272 --> 00:03:56,673
This is a man's lasagna, and she is wearing
95
00:03:56,707 --> 00:04:00,544
$30 worth of bubbly cheese.
And, I am going to
96
00:04:00,578 --> 00:04:02,910
undress her with my mouth.
97
00:04:02,945 --> 00:04:04,581
I'm right here.
98
00:04:05,647 --> 00:04:07,417
Looks like your matzo ball of a husband
99
00:04:07,452 --> 00:04:10,216
is getting a little junk in the butt.
100
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,588
You gotta train your man.
101
00:04:11,622 --> 00:04:13,557
- Mom.
- Well!
102
00:04:13,591 --> 00:04:18,098
Hello! who is this ravishing Italian beauty?
103
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,099
Hey!
104
00:04:20,364 --> 00:04:24,668
I'll just enjoy your homely,
funny friend, salad instead.
105
00:04:24,702 --> 00:04:28,672
See? You nip it in the butt
before there's too much butt to nip.
106
00:04:28,706 --> 00:04:31,608
Okay, Mom,
that is so controlling and not who I am.
107
00:04:31,642 --> 00:04:35,245
David can make his own healthy,
responsible choices...
108
00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:36,995
You ready for this?
109
00:04:37,548 --> 00:04:39,683
Oh...
110
00:04:39,717 --> 00:04:40,684
yes.
111
00:04:42,887 --> 00:04:45,288
Hey, hey! Babe, babe. Are you sure this is
112
00:04:45,323 --> 00:04:48,525
- a healthy relationship?
- What are you trying to say?
113
00:04:48,559 --> 00:04:49,860
I don't wanna hurt my husband.
114
00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:51,528
I love him.
115
00:04:51,562 --> 00:04:53,363
Plus, when he's hurt, he eats more.
116
00:04:53,397 --> 00:04:54,631
Nothing. Nothing, no, no, I was like,
117
00:04:54,665 --> 00:04:56,366
"When are you gonna let a lady in on
118
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,301
this threesome action here?"
You know what I mean?
119
00:04:58,336 --> 00:04:59,536
- Oh, oh!
- Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna
120
00:04:59,570 --> 00:05:01,304
- have some!
- Well, I'm gonna
121
00:05:01,339 --> 00:05:03,540
- get some plates then.
- Okay! Back it up.
122
00:05:03,574 --> 00:05:05,735
- Backing it up.
- Back it up, back it up.
123
00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:07,777
Get away from my man, you saucy bitch.
124
00:05:09,580 --> 00:05:10,814
No!
125
00:05:10,848 --> 00:05:14,284
Sorry, it just slipped. Salad?
126
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:22,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
127
00:05:23,101 --> 00:05:24,832
Weird chair, hemorrhoid cream...
128
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,667
Okay, shouldn't you be working from home?
129
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:27,520
Or the loo?
130
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:29,773
Okay, the yoga ball is for my core,
131
00:05:29,838 --> 00:05:32,606
and the cream is for my puffy eyes.
132
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,967
Just shut up and let me live.
133
00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:35,837
Hey Emet,
don't forget you're giving a speech
134
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,197
to my mentees at the launch party.
135
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,778
They've raised a lot of
money to make the trip,
136
00:05:38,814 --> 00:05:39,912
and they're super excited.
137
00:05:39,981 --> 00:05:44,251
I'm so excited too. I love encouraging
young women who want to work in tech.
138
00:05:44,285 --> 00:05:48,121
Girls need a strong,
smart, stable role model.
139
00:05:48,156 --> 00:05:49,756
You know that's ass cream, right?
140
00:05:49,791 --> 00:05:52,192
Huh? Yeah. Hey, oh! Speaking of ass,
141
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,761
how do I tell my husband
he's getting a mom butt?
142
00:05:54,796 --> 00:05:57,464
- Uh-oh.
- That is a no-win situation.
143
00:05:57,498 --> 00:05:58,866
I mean, if you don't tell him, then he
144
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,201
waddles down this chubby path.
145
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:05,672
If you do tell him, then he recoils
every time you touch him.
146
00:06:05,707 --> 00:06:07,307
That's what it's like with me and Mother.
147
00:06:07,342 --> 00:06:08,642
I had this plan in college.
148
00:06:08,676 --> 00:06:10,510
I kinda realized I couldn't get a nine,
149
00:06:10,545 --> 00:06:12,946
but I could get a 6 and
secretly turn her into
150
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,548
a 9 without her ever knowing it
151
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,184
by gaslighting her into fixing her flaws.
152
00:06:17,218 --> 00:06:19,353
I called it my 6-to-9 plan.
153
00:06:19,387 --> 00:06:21,388
- That is horrific.
- He's German.
154
00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:23,607
Hey, judge me all you want,
but without David ever knowing it,
155
00:06:23,692 --> 00:06:26,793
you could get him to eat
healthy and exercise, so...
156
00:06:26,828 --> 00:06:28,729
Okay, I'm listening.
157
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:33,400
Do I feel guilty about using Griff's
awful but brilliant plan? Yes.
158
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:34,902
But this way,
I could turn everyday activities
159
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:38,839
into exercise and spare
David's feelings at the same time.
160
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,508
- Oh hey, honey?
- Mm-hmm?
161
00:06:41,542 --> 00:06:43,210
Could you take out the garbage?
162
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,546
Come on, take the bait, take the bait.
163
00:06:47,682 --> 00:06:49,983
Oh! Jesus, these are heavy.
164
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,685
What, did you finally snap
and cut up your mom?
165
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,322
Oh, God, that's funny!
166
00:06:55,356 --> 00:06:56,890
Watch your back and use your glutes.
167
00:06:59,762 --> 00:07:02,562
I was gonna look younger,
and David was gonna look thinner
168
00:07:02,597 --> 00:07:03,563
in that party picture.
169
00:07:03,598 --> 00:07:05,198
Who's getting hurt here?
170
00:07:05,233 --> 00:07:07,868
Louie's hurt! Louie took a fall.
171
00:07:07,902 --> 00:07:09,770
Okay, okay. You're gonna be okay.
172
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,705
- Ah...
- I'm gonna get some ice.
173
00:07:11,739 --> 00:07:13,740
Dad had to carry me from Sycamore Street.
174
00:07:13,775 --> 00:07:16,276
Carrying poor, hurt Louie... yeah right.
175
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,744
Dad just got his cardio in.
176
00:07:17,779 --> 00:07:19,713
Call me anytime.
177
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:22,549
I even got Lily to convince David
178
00:07:22,583 --> 00:07:25,285
he had to learn some moves
if he wanted to be a cool dad.
179
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,387
Caroline's dad is amazing at it!
180
00:07:27,422 --> 00:07:28,956
- Oh, yeah?
- Bye, jelly-belly.
181
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:32,426
- Yeah...
- And this way. In a circle.
182
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:34,394
♪ Live it up, live it up ♪
183
00:07:34,429 --> 00:07:35,896
♪ Live it up, live it up, live it up ♪
184
00:07:35,930 --> 00:07:37,731
♪ Live it up, live it up ♪
185
00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:39,299
♪ Live it up, live it up, live it up ♪
186
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,901
- Keep going!
- Okay! Okay!
187
00:07:40,935 --> 00:07:43,637
- You've got this! Keep going!
- Okay!
188
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:45,572
- Am I supposed to see stars?
- Uh-huh.
189
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,609
Ooh, you got pictures
of Lara Croft and Emet.
190
00:07:49,644 --> 00:07:51,478
That's a sad spank bank, man.
191
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:55,749
No, Norman's asked me to make a presentation
for his mentees on female role models.
192
00:07:55,783 --> 00:07:58,986
What? Emet and Chewey are
helping out with your mentees?
193
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,455
What is this, all hands on deck,
except for Griff's hands?
194
00:08:01,489 --> 00:08:02,889
What's wrong with Griff's hands?
195
00:08:02,924 --> 00:08:04,758
They are attached to a vile misogynist.
196
00:08:04,792 --> 00:08:06,994
I resent that. I have a lot to teach them.
197
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,929
I'm actually a champion of chicks.
198
00:08:08,963 --> 00:08:12,432
Griff! You woman-hating genius.
199
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:13,834
- Oh!
- Yeah!
200
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,303
Yes! Your 6-to-9 plan is totally working.
201
00:08:16,337 --> 00:08:18,071
You did Griff's 6-to-9 plan?
202
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,841
The first time he told me about that,
I threw up.
203
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,744
But I'm just doing it to help David
without shattering his ego.
204
00:08:23,778 --> 00:08:25,579
Once we get that perfect party picture,
205
00:08:25,613 --> 00:08:27,314
I'm totally done tricking him.
206
00:08:28,319 --> 00:08:30,984
Actually, we have a wedding in June,
so maybe I'm done then.
207
00:08:31,019 --> 00:08:33,620
Okay, anyway. Sex tonight! It's good.
208
00:08:33,654 --> 00:08:34,755
It's a lifestyle.
209
00:08:36,024 --> 00:08:38,091
Welcome back, SoulCycle.
210
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:40,694
Yeah. Had to take the three speed.
211
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:43,330
Emet's car wouldn't start,
so she took mine, blah blah blah.
212
00:08:43,364 --> 00:08:45,699
I have to say, I prefer the direct approach
213
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:47,968
my wife takes to keeping
the jelly off my belly.
214
00:08:48,773 --> 00:08:49,703
What?
215
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:52,839
Come on, you haven't figured it out,
big boy?
216
00:08:52,874 --> 00:08:56,043
Emet's got you on a secret weight loss plan.
217
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:56,924
What?
218
00:08:56,945 --> 00:09:00,313
You should have had a clue when Maya
gave you that Fat Pat.
219
00:09:00,348 --> 00:09:01,481
Fat Pat?
220
00:09:01,516 --> 00:09:04,985
It's a hug she gives you
to check if and where you've put on weight.
221
00:09:05,019 --> 00:09:07,120
I thought that hug meant something.
222
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:09,523
I called my mother about that hug.
223
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,084
Emet knew about this?
224
00:09:11,119 --> 00:09:12,085
Hello, boys.
225
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,654
Your hug was a lie!
226
00:09:13,688 --> 00:09:15,222
And I thought that we were getting closer.
227
00:09:15,256 --> 00:09:17,090
We were getting closer, beta.
228
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:19,493
You were expanding towards me.
229
00:09:19,527 --> 00:09:21,261
Hey, sweetie!
230
00:09:21,296 --> 00:09:23,263
Can you just help me with the diaper...
231
00:09:23,298 --> 00:09:26,133
Oh no, I'm caught, aren't I?
232
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:28,802
- Diaper bag, hmm?
- Oh...
233
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:33,407
Unbelievable! How could you?
234
00:09:33,441 --> 00:09:35,442
Okay. Well, enjoy your marriage!
235
00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:36,610
Mm-hmm.
236
00:09:37,864 --> 00:09:41,167
So you agree with your mother...
Instead of coming and talking to me,
237
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:42,602
you resort to tricks?
238
00:09:42,636 --> 00:09:44,270
Okay David, listen to me.
239
00:09:44,304 --> 00:09:47,073
I know that's how it looks,
because that is what I did.
240
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:49,318
But I was just trying
to spare your feelings.
241
00:09:49,377 --> 00:09:51,156
- Okay? Look, I was bummed...
- Oh!
242
00:09:51,245 --> 00:09:54,041
about that bad picture, and I just wanted
a good picture of us this year.
243
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:57,283
Do you know how this feels?
I'm being judged solely on how I look.
244
00:09:57,892 --> 00:10:01,587
Do I know how it feels?
Yeah, David, I'm a woman!
245
00:10:01,622 --> 00:10:03,589
You've questioned your
looks for like six seconds.
246
00:10:03,624 --> 00:10:05,792
I've been doing it since
Barbie went to the beach.
247
00:10:05,826 --> 00:10:08,127
The whole world is a Fat Pat for a woman.
248
00:10:08,162 --> 00:10:11,248
Do you know that there is a
Spanx store at the airport?
249
00:10:11,283 --> 00:10:12,698
Doesn't matter where we're going,
250
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,500
- we just have to get there thin!
- And I've noticed
251
00:10:14,535 --> 00:10:16,002
they're always next to a Wetzel's Pretzels,
252
00:10:16,036 --> 00:10:18,171
- which is kinda mixed messagey.
- And, yes, okay?
253
00:10:18,205 --> 00:10:20,273
I tricked you, but only because I know
254
00:10:20,307 --> 00:10:23,609
how awful it feels to have
someone point out your flaws.
255
00:10:24,603 --> 00:10:25,878
So, you know what? You're welcome.
256
00:10:25,913 --> 00:10:27,880
Because now, we won't go to that party
257
00:10:27,915 --> 00:10:30,950
looking like Shrek and Fiona like last year.
258
00:10:30,984 --> 00:10:32,185
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
259
00:10:33,301 --> 00:10:34,220
Oh my God!
260
00:10:34,254 --> 00:10:35,721
Okay, we're gonna get you that good picture.
261
00:10:35,756 --> 00:10:36,989
- Thank you!
- That has to go.
262
00:10:37,024 --> 00:10:39,725
Oh, I love you! Come here.
263
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,794
- Five squats.
- Okay.
264
00:10:42,229 --> 00:10:45,198
Norman, you can't keep me
away from your little girls.
265
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,034
Sorry, Karen. Work stuff.
266
00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:50,203
Griff, why does this matter to you?
267
00:10:50,237 --> 00:10:52,004
'Cause I like to win, okay?
268
00:10:52,039 --> 00:10:54,073
Anyway, it doesn't really matter,
because somebody
269
00:10:54,107 --> 00:10:56,876
special heard me beatboxing
in the men's room
270
00:10:56,910 --> 00:10:58,845
and asked me to DJ the launch party.
271
00:10:58,879 --> 00:11:01,681
Oh! Ha ha. I'm gonna address those mentees.
272
00:11:01,715 --> 00:11:03,850
And it's gonna be through music.
273
00:11:03,884 --> 00:11:05,651
Griff, if wanna help those girls,
274
00:11:05,686 --> 00:11:07,186
stop making this about you.
275
00:11:07,221 --> 00:11:09,222
Yeah, see by removing yourself,
276
00:11:09,256 --> 00:11:10,990
you're doing what's right for the children.
277
00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:14,627
Or at least that's what
my dad said when he left.
278
00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:17,830
Karen, will you just pick a yogurt?
279
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:21,834
I like yogurt. Yogurt.
280
00:11:21,869 --> 00:11:22,869
You know what yogurt means, right?
281
00:11:22,903 --> 00:11:24,604
She's ovulating.
282
00:11:24,638 --> 00:11:26,606
You are just nothing but red flags.
283
00:11:29,376 --> 00:11:30,910
Hey, since we're already sweaty,
do you wanna
284
00:11:30,944 --> 00:11:33,045
send your parents home
and take your husband's
285
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,881
new body out for a joyride?
286
00:11:34,915 --> 00:11:36,883
Yeah, I can get into that.
287
00:11:36,917 --> 00:11:38,251
Oh, yes.
288
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,753
Oh, stop tonguing, sickos.
289
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:44,257
And give Daddy some of that green slop.
He needs it.
290
00:11:44,291 --> 00:11:46,893
All right. May the force be with you.
291
00:11:50,998 --> 00:11:53,199
Wowee! That is potent.
292
00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:54,934
Mm-hmm.
293
00:11:56,342 --> 00:11:57,203
And fast.
294
00:11:57,237 --> 00:11:59,939
Oh... that is TMI.
295
00:11:59,973 --> 00:12:02,275
Whoo! All right, home stretch day.
296
00:12:02,309 --> 00:12:04,310
I'm getting waxed, wrapped,
peeled, scraped, moisturized,
297
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:07,713
and spat on... that's just
'cause the facialist has a lisp.
298
00:12:07,748 --> 00:12:11,050
Sweetie, do you think
I need any of that stuff?
299
00:12:11,084 --> 00:12:12,952
Sweetie, stop. You're doing great.
300
00:12:12,986 --> 00:12:14,120
No, no, no. Don't coddle me.
301
00:12:14,154 --> 00:12:15,821
Society doesn't coddle you.
302
00:12:15,856 --> 00:12:17,957
See, I listen to you. Give it to me.
303
00:12:17,991 --> 00:12:19,158
Come on, hit me.
304
00:12:19,192 --> 00:12:20,426
- All right.
- Yeah.
305
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:23,296
Your forehead's shiny,
and you're getting Muppet eyebrows.
306
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:24,964
- Don't look at me!
- I'll call my people.
307
00:12:31,104 --> 00:12:33,673
- Mm...
- Mmm!
308
00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:40,313
Babe, I really appreciate you doing this.
309
00:12:41,201 --> 00:12:42,982
Now you understand what I
go through all the time.
310
00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:44,850
I love you.
311
00:12:44,885 --> 00:12:49,121
Mmm...
312
00:12:52,492 --> 00:12:56,662
See? That is why I want you
to come and live with me.
313
00:12:58,498 --> 00:13:00,199
Uh-uh-uh!
314
00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:02,668
Hey, honey,
I'm gonna do one last apricot scrub,
315
00:13:02,703 --> 00:13:05,771
really try to beat back this forehead shine.
316
00:13:05,806 --> 00:13:06,939
Oh!
317
00:13:06,974 --> 00:13:09,275
Door! Door!
318
00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:12,445
Why you are eating cake in a room
made for the opposite of eating?
319
00:13:12,479 --> 00:13:14,714
Maya wants me to eat healthy, okay?
320
00:13:14,748 --> 00:13:16,182
And I'm fine with that.
321
00:13:16,216 --> 00:13:18,384
I want to live as long as possible.
322
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:20,453
But, I also want to enjoy my life.
323
00:13:20,487 --> 00:13:22,355
So I had to find a balance.
324
00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:25,291
And that balance is toilet cake.
325
00:13:25,325 --> 00:13:28,861
- Oh.
- So, shhhh.
326
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,967
David and I had been working
on ourselves for weeks,
327
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,403
and now it's time to party.
328
00:13:50,450 --> 00:13:53,986
No fair. Dad gets
to wear makeup and I don't?
329
00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:55,054
I don't know what you're talking about.
330
00:13:55,088 --> 00:13:56,522
It's bronzer.
331
00:13:56,556 --> 00:13:58,924
I know I started this,
but I'm begging you, change.
332
00:13:58,959 --> 00:14:00,393
You've gone too far.
333
00:14:00,427 --> 00:14:01,894
- Okay...
- I feel good.
334
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,396
Yeah, not gonna happen.
335
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:06,399
Wow. You guys look great.
Absolutely rrr-avishing.
336
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,101
Thanks, bro.
337
00:14:09,809 --> 00:14:12,505
You know what?
You can stay up as late as you want.
338
00:14:12,539 --> 00:14:13,906
- I like it.
- 'Kay?
339
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,474
'Night.
340
00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:19,845
Pretty sure that valet
guy was super into me.
341
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,214
Same, 'cause we sexy like that.
342
00:14:22,249 --> 00:14:24,417
We are sexy like that.
343
00:14:24,451 --> 00:14:26,952
Oh, wait, am I the only one
in the room with cleavage?
344
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:34,927
Is it possible we over-shot it?
345
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,429
Wow, guys.
346
00:14:36,463 --> 00:14:39,298
- Hey!
- This is so funny.
347
00:14:39,332 --> 00:14:40,566
Sorry, explain it to me.
348
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,235
You two look insane because...
349
00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:45,137
You mean we look hot?
350
00:14:45,172 --> 00:14:47,039
You look like if Miami was a person.
351
00:14:47,074 --> 00:14:50,142
Ugh... yes, yes, we do. And we need to go
352
00:14:50,177 --> 00:14:51,944
before they get another picture of us.
353
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:54,413
One that makes us look like shallow idiots.
354
00:14:54,448 --> 00:14:55,815
- We look hot.
- You can't leave.
355
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,116
The girls I'm mentoring are here,
356
00:14:57,150 --> 00:14:58,451
and you're supposed to talk to them.
357
00:14:58,485 --> 00:15:00,986
Also, a journalist from "Recode" is here,
358
00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:02,288
and she's covering the whole thing.
359
00:15:02,322 --> 00:15:05,124
Ahh. Okay, I did not know that.
360
00:15:09,162 --> 00:15:10,863
I look forward to speaking with them.
361
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:14,647
Oh, come on!
362
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,515
It's okay, it's okay.
363
00:15:16,550 --> 00:15:18,818
I just... I don't wanna send the wrong
message to these girls.
364
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:19,919
You know what, you look great.
365
00:15:20,778 --> 00:15:22,521
I can fix it! I can fix it!
366
00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:24,023
Okay, whoa! Really?
367
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:25,825
Yeah, right here. Okay, hold that.
368
00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:28,394
I am still gonna be an empowered role model
369
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,830
and maybe even get my perfect picture.
370
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:33,999
I do not like how much I like these.
371
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,901
- David.
- Sorry. Look, I think
372
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:37,503
that you are overreacting, we do not
373
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,338
look as bad as you think you we do...
374
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,340
No, seriously, look around and we...
375
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:46,445
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!
376
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,681
Yup. Okay, I see it now.
I completely over-douched.
377
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,083
We both did. Give me your reading glasses!
378
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:52,585
Okay.
379
00:15:53,487 --> 00:15:54,687
Do I look smarter?
380
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:57,389
Uh... no. You look like the
beginning of library porn.
381
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,091
Which, you know... not so bad.
382
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,627
Are you ready?
I can't stall that reporter any longer.
383
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,798
Yeah, I'm ready. Ready to inspire
the next generation of auto-show models.
384
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,534
Ah! Okay, all right! New plan, forget it.
385
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,070
New plan! Putting it all back in
386
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:14,807
and pretending it is
a feminist lesson. Boom!
387
00:16:15,695 --> 00:16:17,610
- Let's go.
- Go get 'em, I think.
388
00:16:18,271 --> 00:16:20,379
Okay.
389
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,882
And sweetie,
you forgot your big, fake boobs!
390
00:16:23,685 --> 00:16:25,885
Karen, lovely to see you again.
391
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:35,396
I thought for a long time
about the perfect thing
392
00:16:35,431 --> 00:16:36,595
to say to you young women.
393
00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,633
But then, I realized words aren't enough,
394
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,569
so I went with this.
395
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,776
And what is "this" saying?
396
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:55,781
Hmm? What? What? What? What?
397
00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:59,518
Ahhh-ha-haaaa!
398
00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:02,688
It is saying
399
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:07,159
you do not have to dress like this
400
00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,527
to get ahead.
401
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,832
- Thank you.
- Yeah, we know that.
402
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,533
Can you give us a better insight?
403
00:17:14,568 --> 00:17:17,703
'Cause we sold candy bars in some
really sketchy places to be here.
404
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,605
I saw a guy get knifed.
405
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,875
Umm... quick reminder
that reporter is live-tweeting
406
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:25,845
all of this, so please tell me that
you have something else to say.
407
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,715
I do... yeah.
408
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,951
Just give me a second.
409
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,552
Oh, God, I'm blowing this.
410
00:17:33,587 --> 00:17:35,521
I'm supposed to be a role model,
411
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,457
an accomplished woman that
these girls can look up to.
412
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:42,494
Okay, powerful statement
coming in three, two... nope.
413
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,797
Oooh! Okay, okay, okay, fine!
414
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,732
Last year, I took an awful picture,
415
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,067
and the guys at work made fun of me, okay?
416
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:49,869
And I just wanted a good one this year.
417
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:53,038
And yes, I care about
being an accomplished woman.
418
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,740
But I also care about how I look,
419
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:58,544
and I just don't think that I should
have to feel bad about that.
420
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:03,015
I feel you. Someone got a picture
of me picking corn out of my braces,
421
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:05,718
and now I'm a "Mondays be like..." meme.
422
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,087
My eyebrows got burnt off
when I was covering a fire.
423
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:11,090
I looked like Lex Luthor in a dress
in all my wedding pictures.
424
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,859
I am so sorry. So sorry.
425
00:18:13,894 --> 00:18:16,862
Oh, just... thank you for understanding.
426
00:18:18,109 --> 00:18:20,432
Oh! Aww, let's hug.
427
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,502
Okay, what you're all feeling
are full-body Spanx.
428
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:24,904
- I just have to ask.
- Yes.
429
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:28,807
Did someone here make you feel like
you had to dress like this?
430
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,912
Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.
431
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,880
That guy, mustache.
432
00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:37,016
Okay, he didn't. But it's Griff.
433
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:40,119
So, I'm okay with whatever happens next.
434
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,792
Oh, hey! What's up little ladies?
Any requests?
435
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:50,129
You're revolting! Men like you
are the reason we're changing the world.
436
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,931
We're gonna run this company one day.
437
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,899
So you better get used to it!
438
00:18:56,136 --> 00:19:00,139
Huh. See that? I knew I had something
to contribute to your mentees, Norman.
439
00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,608
Without guys like me,
there is no women's movement.
440
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,710
I'm like... I inspire them. I'm the hero,
441
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,146
because I'm the villain. Yeah!
442
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:11,884
- Wow, that guy is incredible...
- Horrific.
443
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,954
- Horrific.
- Horrific.
444
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:17,990
- Oh...
- Why were we
445
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,725
so hard on ourselves back then?
446
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,594
Look at my skin. I wanna lick it.
447
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,596
I did, and it was great.
448
00:19:25,875 --> 00:19:27,933
Oh... look at that handsome schmuck.
449
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:30,736
He probably could have
gotten any girl he wanted...
450
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,304
I mean, that girl was you.
451
00:19:33,304 --> 00:19:34,573
And so, he did.
452
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,008
- You know what's sad?
- Hmm?
453
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,509
Right now's the best we'll ever look.
454
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,891
I disagree with...
455
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,814
Whoa!
456
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,248
You're right,
we're not turning this thing around.
457
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,817
We're on a luge to death.
458
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,686
Maybe that's why we got so carried away.
459
00:19:47,721 --> 00:19:50,689
But you know what?
As long as we're into each other,
460
00:19:50,724 --> 00:19:53,025
we're good. Although,
one more of those demon burps,
461
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,126
and this house of cards tumbles.
462
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:56,695
It's not good.
463
00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:58,030
Well, if I have to get old,
464
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,099
I am glad that I get to do it with you.
465
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,335
Let's just be honest
with each other, please?
466
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:07,206
No more Fat Pats, no secret bathroom eating.
467
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,841
Oh... toilet cake?
468
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,142
I mean, where does the cake come from?
469
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,710
Does he sneak it in there?
470
00:20:11,745 --> 00:20:13,879
Or does he store the cake in the bathroom?
471
00:20:14,961 --> 00:20:17,316
Some mysteries are never meant to be solved.
472
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,726
You had to put it up.
473
00:20:27,761 --> 00:20:29,194
We're sorry you didn't
get the perfect photo,
474
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:32,898
but you do look like a very capable woman.
475
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,800
Capable of guarding a bridge.
476
00:20:35,354 --> 00:20:36,702
Okay, you know what? Shut up, Griff.
477
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,204
I don't care what you think, 'cause someday
478
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:41,006
20 years from now when I see that picture
479
00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:43,075
I'm gonna think: "Damn, I was hot."
480
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,645
Yeah. That's the way
to look at it, old girl.
481
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:53,018
Harvard.
482
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:57,322
I know you'll never admit it, but I know you
care about me and I care about you.
483
00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:00,759
So I'm actually gonna
give you a sincere hug.
484
00:21:00,794 --> 00:21:02,694
Here it comes.
485
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:06,899
You're a good man, man.
486
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,767
Well...
487
00:21:08,802 --> 00:21:10,035
Oh.
488
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:12,905
Good night. Well, hey.
489
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,206
Did you see that?
490
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,375
- I did.
- Did you see the hair tousle?
491
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:18,911
She thinks you're going bald.
492
00:21:22,916 --> 00:21:25,117
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492
00:21:26,305 --> 00:21:32,201
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