All language subtitles for I.Feel.Bad.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

.

.

[beeping]
- That's our alarm going off

an hour earlier than usual,
'cause with three kids

and two jobs, there's never
enough time in the morning.

But Mama figured it out.

[singsong]
Baby, get up.

It's time to do it.

- Mm, I don't wanna.
Too early.

- Oh, come on.

Don't make me do it
all by myself.

- No, I don't know if I can
get the little guy up.

- He's not so little anymore.

- Wait, what are we
talking about right now?

- Getting the kids
to school on time.

- Mm, yeah, yeah, kids.
I knew that.

- God, you still wake up
like this every morning?

- Mm.

- What a waste.

Okay, we're tricking
the kids by setting

the clocks an hour ahead,
'cause we're the family

who's always late
for school and work,

and I'm tired
of sucking at life.

- Eat! Good morning.
- Why is it still dark out?

- It's double
daylight savings time.

Here, eat your breakfast.

- Let's see if we can find
any clean coffee cups

in this filthy hellhole.

- Holy moly,
you're awake already.

- Yep, we're crushing it.

- You're not crushing it, man.
You want to see crushing it?

Look at the Walkers.
They're already reaching

the peak of their sunrise hike.

- Come on, we've got
a good little bunch here too.

- Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie--
- [gasps]

- Mom, you know how fake
that Instagram family

you're obsessed with is,
right?

- Oh, you're just jealous

because you ain't
got no content.

Oh, I just wish this family
would do one thing

to make me feel
hashtag blessed.

- Oh, no, we are,

because we are hashtag
on time for school.

- We're on time.
Great, let's go.

Bye, I love you.

Okay, great, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Come on.

- Wait, I forgot
about my homework.

- It's fine.
We'll do it in the car.

- Okay, I'm just supposed to do
a report about Abraham Lincoln,

build a log cabin,
and dress up like him.

- Hashtag morning fail.

- [sighs]

Do you have a top hat?

We didn't have
time for anything

except faking the worst
costume in history.

Costume.
- Costume.

- Stapler.
- Stapler.

- Log cabin.
- Log cabin.

- Here you go, yes.

- Are you guys
sure this is good?

- Sometimes you just have
to tell your kids the truth.

Honey, it's not good.

It is great!

This is not
one of those times.

[upbeat music]

♪

And here we are late again,

stuck in the usual
school drop-off hell.

These people take
their costumes too seriously.

Okay, come on,
enough with the kissing.

They're going off to Tuesday,
not college.

We got a spot.
We got a spot. Yes!

Aha, aha.

Ah, yes!

Work hard.
Be kind. Love you.

Get out.

Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, sorry, the fast lane
is a new perk

for honor roll students only.

I guess somebody didn't read
the school newsletter.

- Sorry, how do you know that
we're not an honor roll family?

- Because you don't
have a sticker...

And your child
is drinking syrup.

- Louie, stop drinking
your homework.

- Just move it back
into the other lane, okay?

Thank you.

- Okay, that's
cultural appropriation.

Namaste.

I know, I know I'm late.
I know, I know.

I got screwed by
the honor roll fast lane.

Okay, just tell me
you guys started working

on the creature designs.

- The creature designs.

- No, of course you didn't.

Did you at least
save me a plain bagel?

- No, all that's left is
the bottom half of a blueberry.

- It's not our fault, okay?

The jocks took
all the good bagels.

- Okay, they're not jocks.

They're nerdy
sports game developers.

I don't know why you guys
let them intimidate you.

The guys had always
been disgruntled

because they
didn't get roof access

while the sports guys did.

- Hey, dudes.

You want to join us
on the roof?

Oh, yeah, you can't.
Roof access is a big dog perk.

[imitates barking]

- The meaner the jocks
were to the guys,

the more the guys
wanted to hang out with them.

- Man, those guys
are frickin' cool.

They are such
big old d-holes.

- If all it took
was being a d-hole,

you'd be on
the roof already.

- Oh, my God,
thank you, Norman.

- You know what?

You guys
deserve roof access,

and I deserve
an honor roll sticker

even if I don't have
an honor roll kid.

- I deserve a blue badge.

- That's it: I can make one.

- Make an honor roll kid,
at your age?

- Not a kid, Chewey,
a sticker.

I can make a sticker.

- Right.

- You know what,
fire up the Photoshop.

Let's go, move it.
Move it.

And just like that,
I had an honor roll sticker.

Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey, volunteer mom,
who wants to [bleep] with me?

You want to try [bleep]ing
with me today?

- Mom, language.

- God, I thought you
had your headphones in.

Ah. Work hard. Be kind.
Love you. Get out.

[clears throat]

Oh! Sticker.

Left it at home last time.

Bye, bitch.

Don't mind if I do.

- Ow!

- Hey, Lily,
is that your sticker?

- No.

- Huh, then how'd Mom get one?

- I got my ID swipe on
at 8:59, baby players.

Almost took the stairs
'cause I'm nasty.

I'm a punctual baller, son.

Oh, I'm all about
that on-time life, am I right?

- I've been here since 6:00.

- Thank you very much
for that.

Appreciate you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
I'm here.

Hi, pretties.

[gasps]

Hello, all the bagels.

Oh, you're so plain.

[kisses]

Okay, let me
see some sketches.

- Well, I have about 50...

- Great.
- Of the roof deck.

- What?

- You know, the one
that we're excluded from.

See, I'm thinking
that there is a fountain

surrounded by velvet
chaise lounges.

I love a chaise lounge.

Is it a couch?
Is it a bed?

- I meant for work, Chewey.

- Oh, then no, sorry.
I get obsessed.

Ever since I was a kid,

I would sketch things
I couldn't experience,

you know, like prom or--pfft--
other kids' birthday parties

or parents
in a happy marriage.

- Bet those jocks
are up there right now

you know, talking about hoops
and beers and touchdowns,

hanging out
in some sick-ass grotto

underneath, like,
a frickin' waterfall.

Just--pbbt--oh.

Just a friggin' waterfall.

- That's why we can't get
a good flush going down here.

It's classist, okay?

A good flush
is a fundamental human right.

It's about dignity.

- Guys, stop, okay?

Listen, if I can get to work
like a punctual baller,

you guys can get roof access
like sneaky ballers.

But first get back to work
like worker ballers.

- Can you stop
talking like that?

- [muffled]
No. It's fun.

- Ugh. Okay, you heard bagel
baller.

Get back to work.
- Yeah.

- I'm making a fake badge.
We're getting on that roof.

- Yes!

- [clears throat]

- Sorry, that was decades
in the making.

- After slaying it at work,

I even had time to make
a nutritious meal

for my family...happen.

- What, hot deli.

What is the occasion?

- I don't know, just
killing it at life, I guess.

- Oh, what
a wonderful mother.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Not you, Mrs. Walker.

She made her family
frittatas

with fresh veggies
from her garden.

- Why is she in a bikini
in every photo?

- I imagine her kitchen
is very hot.

- You know, Mom,
I could Photoshop

the best version of us too,

but I don't want us
to be a family of liars.

Trust me, all their deceit
will catch up to them someday.

- Mom, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- I know about the sticker,
Mom.

- Oh, God,
it's caught up to me.

Okay, honey, listen to me.
I can explain.

- You don't have to.
You tried to keep it a secret

so Lily wouldn't feel bad.

I made the honor roll!

Ah!
[thud]

- Thumbs up
if you're okay.

.

[overlapping chatter]
- You, you, you!

Chh! Pccch! You forged
an honor roll sticker.

- Okay, okay, so I rigged
the system a little,

but the system sucks.

The school is giving
free fast passes

to kids who are already ahead

when it is mediocre people like
us who need the extra time,

and you know it.
- Wow.

- Do you know
how awesome it was

to have a five-minute
drop off?

- It's not appropriate to--
Five minutes?

- Door to drop-off.

- We can't let Louie
think that he earned something

that he didn't earn.

Bad parenting, bad.

- Oh, I know.
I will go tell him the truth.

- Okay, good.

[sighs]

Wow, five minutes
door to drop-off.

- You know, I did make
an extra sticker for you.

- No.
- Damn it.

Hey, buddy,
can we just talk for one--

Are you doing homework?

- You know, Mom, being
on the honor roll is so cool.

- Yeah, sweetie, about that.

- All my friends
are good at stuff.

Judson plays baseball.

Leah draws cartoons.

Keegan was on
"The Good Wife."

But now I'm finally good
at something too: school!

- Louie's finally
proud of himself,

and I'm about
to take it all away.

- What a wonderful mother.

- Enough with Mrs. Walker, Mom.

- Oh, not her. You.
- What?

When Indian moms are proud,
they feed you sweets,

or so I've heard.

- A son on the honor roll.

Oh!

You're just killing him.

- It, Mom.
I'm killing it.

- So we just
keep lying to him?

- All I'm saying is,

we've always treated Louie
like some sort of late bloomer.

We rebrand him
as an honor roll student,

and, look, he's motivated
to become one.

- And this has nothing to do
with the fact

that your mother's
being nice to you?

- No, no, of course not.
I'm a grown woman.

I don't need
my mother's approval.

- [speaking Hindi]

- What's happening?

- Number one dad!

Way to go, chief.

[laughs]

- Oh, I think your mom
just tipped me.

- Yeah, it's an Indian thing.
She's proud of you.

- Feels really good.
- I know, I told you.

- Look, 20 bucks.

- Oh, God, look at it.
- There it is.

- We need to duplicate
that badge to get to the roof.

- Coast is clear.

- I do believe
we are clear.

Hang on, whoa,
whoa, who's this?

Oh, no, wait.
Oh.

Well, knock me down
with a feather.

I thought you were morally
objected to stealing a badge.

- I am. It's wrong.

I got here early to catch the
new girl in the parking lot.

She pulled up in her Subaru,
sun dancing off her nose ring,

and I was like,
"Good morning."

And she said,
"Hey, Gorman."

[sighs]
So close and not even a name.

- Yeah, well,
she seems dumb.

So, okay, let's do this.

[breathy whistle]
- Okay, go, go, go.

Oh, just gonna do
my morning stretches.

Oh, nothing unusual
about that.

Doing my normal
morning routine.

Ooh.

- That was way more chill than
I thought it was gonna be.

- Look at us.

We're like James Bond
and James Bond's friend.

- [imitates playing tune]

- Idiots.
They've got no idea.

- Guess who made it in early
again thanks to the sticker?

This guy.
Coffee's on me.

- Be warned, you're all
tangled up in a web of lies

that's just gonna keep
getting tanglier and stickier

until the spider of truth

descends on you
and everyone you love

and poisons you
with the sting of regret.

- Yeah, I don't care.

- I picked a book

from the advanced reading list
at the library,

and 'cause I'm smart,
they gave it to me for free.

- They're free for everyone.

- What? How do they
stay in business?

- Oy.

- Mom, I'll take
my ice cream now.

- Wait, we get weekday
ice cream?

Are you pregnant again?

- No, no.

- Hate to be this guy,

but Mom said we only
get weekday ice cream

if we made the honor roll.

- The H is silent,
you little ding-dong.

It's not fair.

I study way harder than him.

I should be getting ice cream.

- I'm sorry, Lily.

- Psst, I'll get you dessert.

I don't know when or how,
but, by God, I will.

- Oh, oh,
no, no, no, no, no.

We'll watch "The Voice"
in bed later.

I love you.

- What do you think, huh?

Does this say,
"I am proud of my family,"

but also, "Look at me"?

- Wow, are you
just really late for prom?

- It's for the honor roll
ceremony tomorrow.

Don't you read
the school newsletter?

- Yeah, I do, a lot.

- I can't wait to Instagram
my little Louie

receiving his certificate.

So does Number One Mama

want to have her hair done
with me tomorrow, huh?

My treat!
- Whoa, man.

Norman was right.
I'm in a web.

When you're in this deep,
the only thing to do is...

Oh, yeah, ah.

Sink even deeper.

I know I'm headed
for disaster.

Dear God, this woman
has magic fingers.

But I will
get out of this mess

right after...

thiiiiiiis!

.

- Let's go through the
checklist with things we need

for the roof mission.
Badge?

- Check.
- Okay.

Yeah, that's everything.

All right, we're good.
- Uh, hold on.

Integrity...not check.

- Oh, man, okay, you know what?

You can keep
your integrity down here,

but guess who's on that roof

is your dumb nose ring
hippie girl, mm-hmm.

- You serious?
- Uh-huh.

- Subaru Girl
is in the sports division?

- She do.
- Think about it.

She might
let you close enough

to taste her natural oils.

She doesn't wash.
- Ooh...

- Why would you want her to?

- Damn it, I'm in.
Whatever.

- Yes.
- I'll do it.

- Okay.
- Good boy.

- Well, I think we found
our new creature design.

We just got to coax it
off Emet's head.

- Okay, shut up, Griff.
I'm in deep.

Apparently there's
an honor roll ceremony.

How hard is it
to hack into Louie's school?

[beeping]
- I'm already in.

- You are, really?
- No, not really.

You think I'm going to hack
into a children's school

with this predator stache?

- Well, well, well, Medusa,
seems like a little spider

might have climbed down
and visited you.

It looks like it's time
to come clean to your son.

- [chuckles]
That was a joke, right?

You are joking, yeah,
because that is madness.

I mean, sure, yeah,
maybe three days ago,

absolutely fine,
hunky dory.

But not now.
It's too late.

I mean, little Louie,
he'll be crushed.

And your mum?

Well, she's gonna have
ammo on you for years.

No, you are trapped.

There is no way out.
You're trapped, damn it!

Sorry, this whole
roof mission thing

has got me really on edge.

- He's right.

There's only one option.

I have to leave my family.

- Or you could just
buy your kid off.

- [gasps]
Or I could buy my kid off.

- We can't buy our kid off.
We have to come clean.

- Oh, oh, sure,
let's go tell that sweet face

to put his book down
and try to get an audition

for "The Good Wife"
because he's dumb again.

- Laser tag?
That sounds rad.

- Okay, yeah, laser tag.

- Did someone say
laser tag?

- Mom said laser tag.
- Someone did.

Hey, you know how you're
always trying to get me

to go to Laseropolis
and I'm always like,

"No, 'cause it's hell and I
hate it more than anywhere."

- She hates it worse
than my parents' house.

- Yeah, totes.

Well, guess who got VIP passes?

- Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
Mom.

- But they're only
good for today.

- What, they're only good
for today?

They're only good for today.
We have to go today.

- Which means you'd have to
miss the honor roll thing,

but, I mean, who wants to go

to some sort of
honor roll ceremony

when you could go
play space wars

with a bunch of kids

who are hopped up
on hormones and Slurpees?

- Pew!
- Bam!

- Nah, I want to go
to the honor roll thing.

- We have to leave our family.
- It's the only way.

[device beeping]

- We're Oscar Mike.

Watch my six.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- This is exciting.

♪

[loud clang]

- What the hell was that?

- Game over.
Abort! Abort! Abort!

- Hello?

- Shh.

- [whispers]
Good-bye.

- Go, go, go, go, go.

Um...

- Today...we become men.

Let's do it.

- Okay, man.

[clears throat]
Whew.

[device beeps]

- [exhales]
I feel alive.

[Muzak plays]

- Take a good one, Googaloo.

Everybody say "honor roll."

all: Honor roll.

[camera shutter clicks]
- Ha ha!

Okay.
- Okay, listen, after my mom

gets her perfect Instagram
picture, follow my lead, okay?

- Okay, we've got
the money shot.

Let's go.
- That's not the--

Uh. [coughs]

Oh, God, oh, sorry.

Give me one second.
I'm not feeling so well.

- What's up?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.

- So throw up.
Come on, let's go.

- I'm worried if we're late,
all the cake will get eaten.

- Uhh. Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, it's hitting me too.

- Yeah.
- Oh. You know what?

I'll bet it's from
all that bagged chicken

Emet makes us eat.
It feels like we have...

- Food poisoning.
I think it's that

because it usually--
it hits the mother first.

- We should probably go
before we puke all over

and bring shame to our family.
David, go get the car.

- Oh, wait, wait.

I see someone who can help.

It's the Walkers!

Dr. Walker, hello.

- You have got
to be kidding me.

Those people actually exist?

- Oh, Dr. Walker,
thank God.

My daughter
and her husband are sick

because she won't cook.

Can you help?
- I'd be happy to help.

When did the pain start?

- Four days ago.

- [coughs]

.

- Ah.

- This might not
be food poisoning.

I suggest we head to the ER.

- Mommy, are you dying?

- We'll be orphans.

They're gonna split us up.

- And it's gone too far.

Okay, okay, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Okay, I can't
do this anymore.

I'm not dying.
I'm fine.

I'm a liar, okay?

Louie's not on the honor roll.

- But I'm sure you had
a good reason for doing it,

so let's just go to dinner.

Buca di Beppo's?

[suspenseful chords]

- [gasps]
We made it.

Is this really happening?

I love you guys.

- Ah, no, no touching

What?

- Uh--

That's the waterfall?

- Oh, she's a smoker?

And a murderer?

[percussive music]
Oh...

♪

- The jocks are doing yoga.

This is some serious
bitch-ass-ness.

Never meet your heroes, man.

- Oh, God, we've had
a ball pop out.

We have confirmation
on testicle.

Get back in the elevator.
Come on, go!

- Yeah, yeah. Go, go.
- Come on!

- You faked
an honor roll sticker?

I get a new phone now,
right?

- Yeah, probably.

Look, honey,
I am so sorry.

All your dad and I want

is for you to feel better
about yourself, okay?

And maybe get ready
a little faster in the morning.

You forgive us?

- Yeah, actually,
I'm relieved.

I couldn't figure out
how I got on the honor roll.

I do not try.

- Buddy, okay,
I'll tell you what.

We'll lie a little less,

and you try a little more,
okay?

All right,
everybody happy?

Everybody's happy.

Buca di Beppo's!
- Yes!

- No Buca di Beppo.

You made me
a glamorous fool.

So where's my apology?

- Fine, Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you don't get
the perfect Instagram daughter.

You get me.

Okay, I'm always late.

I currently have a dirty diaper
in my purse.

I haven't done my laundry
in two weeks,

so I'm wearing a leotard
as underwear,

and I was willing to spin a web
of sticky little lies

just to have my mom
shove love cake in my mouth.

- Wow, that's pathetic.

- Hey.
- Excuse me.

- No, no.

Nobody talks
to my wife like that

except her own mother.

- And I've earned it.

- This is a wonderful mother.

No, she doesn't prance
around in a bikini

like Mrs. Dr. Walker,
but she could,

and it would be hot.

Lately, she's doing a lot
of the one-piece thing, okay,

but I really miss those
bikinis, man.

- You do?
- Yes.

- Baby, I can still
do a bikini.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, just give me

a little heads up.

- Yeah, well, consider
this your heads up.

- You know, as a doctor, I've
seen some pretty sick people

but you guys take the...

- Cake! I took it!

Run!

- Run! Run, run,
run, run!

Go, go, go!

Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, the baby,
the baby, the baby!

Okay, excuse me.
Just gonna...

Yes!

[laughter]

- You see, I told you
I'd get you dessert.

- Thanks, Grandpa.

- Hey, Louie, I hope you
know that your dad and I

think you're a smart
and capable kid, okay?

Here, have some cake.

- [gags]

The spoon touched
my dingle dangle.

- Mmm.

- I am proud of you, okay?

- Thanks, Mom.

And I'm sorry that you have

to take the honor roll picture
off of Instagram.

- Are you crazy, man?

I'm not going
to take that off.

Once it's on the Internet,
it's true.

- Well, who am I to judge?
I'm eating stolen cake.