Original subtitles

- Yo, what's up? - Hey, man, how's it goin'?

You're... you're evicting me?

Come on, man. I'm just doing my job.

No one wanted it to go down like this.

Hold on a second, man.

I'm about to get my check, okay?

It's just a little bit late. Maybe try not being

such a massive tool right now.

I'm not being a tool. Dude, I like you.

- Yeah, well, I hate you. - Really, you hate me? You mean that?

I got your blinds replaced, all right?

- I had to fight for you. - Oh, my blinds?

Wow. Then I owe you a thank-you.

Thank you very much. Come on, man.

You know something, I got your brother backstage passes

to every single one of my shows.

Did he ever tell you how he hooked up with Paula Abdul?

- Who do you think made the intro? - I mean,

I don't know what to tell you. That was 15 years ago.

Today he's making me tape this on your door.

Oh, okay, so you're just your brother's bitch.

And you just sit around all day hoping

your bandmates will take you back, but they won't, 'cause...

- 'cause you're a bitch, bitch. - Yeah?

- Oh, my... ow! - You just got chopped, bitch.

You say that again, I'm gonna chop that little dick off.

My dick is normal size.

Oh, yeah, right.

Maybe for an eight-year-old.

Hey, man, that's my mailbox.

That was customized.

It's gonna come out of your deposit anyway, dude.

You know that stuff just makes everything look cheap...

You musicians with your devil horns

and your flames and stuff.

That hasn't been badass since the '70s.

Makes everything look uglier.

Tell everyone at Guitar Center

to run from their design instincts.

All your friends... tacky idiots.

Hi. My name is Esther,

and I am here to audition for the role of waitress

with pep in her step and a twinkle in her eye.

Uh... what are you...

Five, six, seven, eight.

I'm sorry.

Nope, leave it, leave it. Just...

- Sorry. - No, you're fine.

I-I honestly,

I think there was some kind of misunderstanding,

because we're actually interviewing

for a hostessing job,

so only our waitresses are permitted to dance.

Okay, um...

You didn't need to do any of that.

Here's the thing. I eat here all the time.

I love your guys' curly fries.

- They're the best in town. - Thank you.

I know these routines by heart, okay?

And trust me when I say this.

You are gonna want me dancing out there

on those countertops.

Yeah, see, that's just not how this works here.

I mean, it takes years for those girls

to work their way up to waitress. Years.

Well, um, can I... can I understudy,

- or do you guys have, like... - Thank you so much

for coming in.

Oh, okay. Um...

Can I at least leave you one of my headshots? Um...

my parents said that I have to get rid of all of them

before they'll pay for new ones, so...

Yeah, I wouldn't. I just... I don't...

Okay. It's fine.

We'll see you again as a customer.

Do you guys validate?

Parking's free.

I think that's for the hospital across the street.

Yeah, that's, like, $17 an hour.

Do you guys validate for the hospital?

- No. No. - Okay.

I don't know why we'd do that.

synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com

Oh, man.

You go out there, you give it your all,

and they laugh in your face.

- You didn't get the job, huh? - No.

I feel you, man. I got karate-chopped at work today.

God, this job market!

- Should we eat our feelings? - No, we shouldn't.

I mean, yes, of course we should.

Come on, man, what kind of question is that?

You wouldn't happen to like a bold but traditional vanilla

with toppings spanning from crunchy to wet, would you?

Who, me?

Oh, God, it's my brother.

Hey, Dean, what's up? Just wrapping up for the day.

Yeah, not anymore. Eduardo's sick,

so you gotta handle the building on Sweetzer.

Uhh, don't forget, the old lady died, so...

you also gotta catalog all of her stuff.

It's gonna be super gross, and,

it'll probably be very sad.

Why can't her family do it?

She had no family. It's all going to Goodwill.

So pathetic, honestly.

Dude, I'm just stretched really thin right now.

I haven't been so pleased with your work ethic lately.

Step it up, or I'm gonna make

you sleep in the yard again.

It's for parking.

Sure.

Benji, perfect match.

Yeah. Yeah, dance in that trash water.

Okay, one more stop, and then...

Ice cream.

No. Then we gotta inventory the old lady's stuff.

She lived there for, like, 50 years,

and nobody ever saw her.

Whoa. Okay, and I don't

wanna keep bringing this up, but, like,

then we'll go get ice cream?

Oh, ho, Baby Benji, Baby Benji, waah.

Who's this, your sister, your baby, your baby sister?

Pauly, this is Esther. Esther, Pauly.

Hi. I'm Esther.

So you want me to get you the stuff?

Oh, yeah, strongest stuff you got,

like NBA-grade level.

I got karate chopped today at work.

Oh, poor Baby Benji.

Been gettin' worked over by his brother with the long hair.

Oooh!

Oh, look, it's Baby Butterz, Baby Butterz.

What is going on?

- Isn't he awesome? - I don't understand.

I thought your family had a zero-tolerance policy for animals.

The tattle potential right here is off the charts.

I'm not gonna tattle on him.

He's the only tenant in this building who doesn't bother me

all the time with nonsense complaints, so I'm chill with him.

Yeah, he's super chill with me, babe.

He gets free weed from his fans,

he doesn't even smoke it.

Wait, you don't smoke?

Zero. The reason why I'm like this

is because my mom, she smoked a lot of weed

when she was pregnant with me.

When her water broke,

bong water pretty much dripped out of her.

I was the first baby born with the munchies, bro.

Ohh!

If you guys are gonna do drugs,

I'm gonna step outside,

just 'cause, like, I have asthma and vertigo

and stress-induced shingles, and...

I signed an oath in ninth grade that I wouldn't be involved

in this kind of behavior, so I'm gonna stick to it.

I mean, okay.

Why don't you just go to the old lady's apartment

and take inventory of her stuff?

By myself? What if there's a ghost?

I don't know. Befriend it

and write a sequel to Ghost Dad, dude.

I haven't seen the first one.

You don't have to.

It was very nice to meet you, Mr. Pauly.

I wish you all the luck.

I'll be there in ten minutes.

All right, I'm just playing. Come back here anytime.

- Okay, nice to meet you. - But I like you,

I like you, I like you!

So what's her story, man? She's wild.

She's kind of upset, 'cause she went to interview

for her dream job, and she didn't get it.

You know, that's the problem with you millennials.

You work too hard.

You should just retire like SBW.

SBW?

Sweet Baby Wheeze, bro. You know how it is.

- Oh, wheeze. - Yeah.

Hello?

Any decomposing corpses?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Those are my initials.

Dude, you smoked way too much.

You look super stonesy, dude.

No, bro, I'm, like, medium stonesy.

I'm just super allergic to Butterz.

Oh, I gotta go get Esther.

She's been in that old lady's apartment for, like,

two hours.

She's probably writing "redrum" on the walls.

All right, I'll see ya.

- Don't let Butterz out. - I know.

Ah! Oh.

Oh, God, the... the pressure release.

- Dude. - I found my ice cream.

It tastes just like vanilla when you eat around the rum,

the raisins, and the freezer burn.

You're welcome.

Stop going through this dead lady's stuff.

You're gonna get me in trouble.

Come on. You bend the rules for Pauly.

Why can't you bend them for me, too, okay?

Pauly Shore might get me famous.

You're being delusional, all right?

- You don't even know this woman. - We have the same initials,

we wear the same size.

You don't understand.

Ethel and I have a special connection.

Okay, look, she has pictures of her favorite celebrities

up on her wall just like I do.

That right there is Clark Gable,

AKA the Sacha Baron Cohen of her generation.

Just out of curiosity, what do you think AKA stands for?

Also kinda alike.

Okay, not bad.

She even organized her vanity the same way I do,

by stream of consciousness.

I bet if I just reached my hand in...

Oh, my God, gummy bears.

It's like I was meant to be here.

Don't eat those, don't eat those. Oh, God.

Mmm.

It's gonna take you, like, 20 years to crap those out.

Oh, my God, a top hat... Ah!

I've always wanted to do burlesque,

ever since I saw the "Lady Marmalade" music video.

As a friend, I'm letting you know

that burlesque is the lowest form of art possible.

Literally, it's the last failure a woman can have

is burlesque, after acting, then yoga,

then burlesque. That's it.

Why does everyone keep telling me the things I can't do?

I might as well just stay here and live like I'm Ethel

for the rest of my days.

Dude, my allergies are killing me.

It's from that Baby Butterz cat.

I feel like I'm being suffocated

by a super bloom right now.

I'm just like a purebred Yorkie with my runny eyes.

- It's just terrible. - Ew.

You do sound like you're drowning from the inside.

I'm gonna go sit down. I'm, like, dying right now.

Okay, well, if I know old people,

they've got notions and potions everywhere you look.

There we go.

You hear that squeaking?

You're gonna hear that a lot when you're older,

because you treat your body like it's a Starbucks bathroom.

I feel so nestled. This is great.

It's like I'm in a virgin beluga's birth canal.

One day, your kids will be sick,

'cause of your genetic make-up.

You're gonna do a great job taking care of them.

You know, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if you called to postpone the Goodwill pick-up.

There's an armoire back there.

I haven't peeked behind it yet,

but my fingers are crossed for a Narnia situation.

Yeah, I'll just say I made a mistake.

Everyone thinks I'm stupid.

I can get away with anything. It's awesome.

Yay! Okay.

"Did you email the photos?" Yes.

"Did you fix the microwave?" Yes. Ugh.

I'm only using landlines from now on.

I found lead-based makeup.

They do not make it like this anymore.

It's so amazing.

I'm telling you, Benji,

the universe brought me here for a reason.

Tell me about it, man. It's so nice

to get away from Dean for a little bit.

- This is great. - I love it here.

Oh, my God.

These shoes are so normcore.

These are great.

This is support.

Tight hammies no more.

Ethel hoarded two-for-one coupons

to the diner down the street.

We even have the same hobbies.

Eating dinner early is the best.

Especially 'cause when I eat too late at night,

I get meat sweats and gotta sleep on a beach towel.

I know. I love this schedule,

and if I stick to it, I could be eating

tomorrow's breakfast by midnight tonight.

Why does society insist on making you wait so long

to become an old person?

I know. I feel like I've always been an old person.

You know, like in junior high,

I was the first one to get ear hair.

Oh, my God, you're so lucky.

Pauly was right.

We gotta start thinking about early retirement.

Absolutely. I mean, Ethel had it figured out.

She just sat around all day collecting cool junk.

Look at these travel-size toiletries.

This little shampoo could be for a human or a doll.

Oh, yeah, right.

You are going straight to voicemail.

Oh, my God. This may sound crazy,

but I have a legit chance at the senior tour.

I've been saving my body.

I'm confused.

I'm normally a really good judge of dead people,

but something's not adding up.

How does a happy recluse end up with

a limited-edition spoon from every single state capital?

Try reading her diary.

Benji, I'm not gonna read her diary.

That is so invasive.

- You can't find it. - I can't find it.

I've searched everywhere, every hiding spot.

It's all gummi bears. Ethel had a problem...

that I very much relate to and I'm not judging at all.

Oh, my God, Benji, Benji, Benji.

The diary, it's in the candy drawer.

I gotta go find it.

This is why Tiger needs a little something extra

to just tune out these distractions.

It's like, "Hello! I'm in my backswing!"

Oh, my God.

Benji, I was all wrong about Ethel.

Pardon my French,

but she was living la vida loca.

She once spent three days on a riverboat casino

eating nothing but lobsters and champagne

before people found out she wasn't really a magician.

I mean, she was unstoppable.

Nice. Sounds like a real Ronda Rousey.

Yo. - Oh, okay, so now you pick up?

Are you done yet?

No, I'm not done yet, but I am done

helping you do everything,

and I'm done with property management. Boom!

Sure, you are. Okay. Hey, what's the status of my crossbow?

I think you have emotional problems.

You know, I recently read this thing

about emotional intelligence,

and I don't think you got it.

Peace out, bro.

- Oh, my God. - You know what?

I'm gonna cancel that Goodwill appointment for good.

We can live like this forevah!

I can't.

Ethel wasn't some shut-in, okay?

She was living her life to the fullest.

A week before she died,

she was out running with the Bulls

in Chicago at basketball fantasy camp.

I mean, I don't know what your rush is

to re-enter the real world.

We got a good thing going here, man.

I mean, look at me. My lower back feels great,

I just got rid of my brother,

I'm peeing laying down, it's great.

Well, I'm done. Nothing is gonna stop me

from going back to that restaurant

and dancing on tables for ungrateful tourists.

Man, millennials are just ruining everyone's retirement.

Ugh, you gotta fix it man.

Just put your hand in there.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I can't...

See, that wasn't that bad.

You got to first base.

Stop teasing me. I get chicks.

Yeah, and I got good reviews on all my films.

Look, I feel gross. I'm gonna go shower and take a nap.

'Cause that's what retired people do. We shower, we take naps,

we put some ointment on our lower backs.

Sit, smoke, shower, Willie Nelson-style.

Whaa!

Help!

Pauly!

That was good. That was good.

But, um, I told you before,

we aren't hiring waitresses right now.

Well, I was not listening,

and I will not take no for an answer.

I'm sorry, um,

are we gonna have a problem here?

The only problem we are gonna have here

is if you don't hire me, because I will show up here

every single day, and I will dance on this desk

in shoes that I may or may not have stolen

from a dead lady's apartment.

Okay, um, you're not tall enough to be a hostess.

I don't wanna be a hostess, okay?

I am an entertainer, and I wanna be out there

pushing tater tots and dancing in jazz squares.

Okay, well, if you promise to wear underwear next time,

I can give you Mondays and Tuesdays, late afternoon shifts.

It's mostly when we're just marrying the ketchups.

Thank you so much.

I've always wanted to dance at a wedding.

Somebody help! Help!

Baby Benji?

This is how I die.

In a bathtub like Jim Morrison.

- Baby Benji? - Pauly!

I'm in here in the bathroom!

Whoa, whoa!

I've been stuck in here for five hours.

I had to eat body wash with shea butter in it.

That's not the thing I'm whoa-ing about.

It's your penis. It's very weird-looking.

It's totally normal. Come on.

Okay, let me help your little Jewish body.

It's like you're having another bat mitzvah

Hold on, hold on.

Here, sit here. I saved you though.

You have to admit, when you scream,

- who shows up? - Thanks, dude.

You're a good guy. You saved my life.

I don't think this retirement thing is gonna work out, dude.

I probably gotta move back in with my brother.

No, no, don't move in with him.

I gotta get my old job back, dude.

I just... I hate your brother.

This retirement is just a level of loneliness I can't handle.

I mean, retirement makes you soft and squishy.

I forgot to tell you about that.

It's, like, feel my meat. It's disgusting, right?

You got other things going for you.

- Don't worry about your squishiness. - Like what?

Exactly. Awkward pause.

I love you, son, I love you, son.

- All right? Take care. - Thanks. I appreciate it.

- Later. - Later, bud. Thank you.

All right.

I did it. I'm a dancing waitress.

Congrats! You really gotta have game to work there.

I know, and you know what?

It takes people years to get to where I am,

and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious,

laser-focused, and that she could never,

ever, ever escape me.

Okay, so you're, like,

the lower-back tattoo of the service industry.

I'm whatever it takes, dude.

All thanks to Ethel.

Will you say hi to Tupac for me?

Oh, no.

Ethel's stuff. You called the movers?

I mean, it's time.

I can't retire.

I'm young, I'm beautiful,

I have my whole life ahead of me, you know.

Also, I didn't tell you this, but I almost died alone

in the bathtub - What?!

Are you okay?

Ah, just tell me later.

Hi there.

Actually, this is mine.

Oh, that's so cute. So you can remember her.

Yeah, Ethel and I have a deep connection,

and I know she'd want me to have this.

That reminds me. I'm gonna grab

those vintage sanitary pads.

I mean, why not be the coolest girl

in the Silver Lake gym locker room?

I'm just glad you're working out.

Ah ha ha!

Baby Benji, Baby Benji waah!

Dude! Dude! Dude, look, you know I love you,

but if you wanna keep living in my parents' building,

you're gonna have to get rid of the cat.

Dude, the cat's gone, bro. I listened to you.

Butterz went spatch. Sayonara. Super spatch, bro.

- Really? - Yeah, dude.

Because you had the hay fever, dude.

My punim, I'm trying to take care of you.

- You're my boy. - Thanks, bud.

It's cool. You guys have your own special connection,

kinda like me and Ethel.

We're gonna get some gelato. You wanna come?

No, I'm staying here doing some workload.

All right, just around the corner.

- Later, dudes. - Later.

Bye.

Oh, Baby Butterz.

I would never get rid of my puddycat.

My puddy.