subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Adam.Sandler.100.Percent.Fresh.2018.720p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-NTG

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian Download

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian Download

Czech Download

Danish

Dutch Download

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian Download

Polish

Portuguese Download

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian Download

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:19,811 Okay, ready, and... 2 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:24,233 Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan! 3 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,873 ♪ It was the perfect day ♪ 4 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:42,793 ♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪ 5 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,712 ♪ You were my only way ♪ 6 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,674 ♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪ 7 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,553 ♪ We were walkin' and talkin' And jammin' and jawin' ♪ 8 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:55,097 ♪ It was you and me against the world ♪ 9 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,808 ♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪ 10 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,851 ♪ 'Cause you didn't hear it comin' ♪ 11 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,315 Fuck those cars. You should... 12 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,194 I have one. I have an electric car. 13 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:11,863 But at least I have the decency when I'm driving, 14 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,575 to put my head out the window and go, "Here comes the Sandman." 15 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,244 "Sandman coming. Watch out." 16 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,956 How about those Tesla's now driving themselves? 17 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,457 Those Teslas, that's pretty cool. 18 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:24,543 They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man. 19 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,754 I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there, 20 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:30,966 and I didn't know who to exchange the information with... 21 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,344 and I started screaming, "Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?" 22 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:38,056 And the Tesla's, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin' about. 23 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:40,451 And I was like, "What the fuck does that mean? You did it." 24 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,603 And its fucking lights are going on and off. 25 00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:45,105 Like it's saying, "Okay. All right." And, uh... 26 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,440 Then we go to court 27 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,067 and I'm like, "I'm going to fucking destroy this thing." 28 00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,695 And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace, 29 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,780 and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break. 30 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,325 What a liar. He's a fucking liar." 31 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,581 ♪ Oh, Grandma's roommate ♪ 32 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,000 ♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪ 33 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:08,962 ♪ Don't you know I came to the nursing home ♪ 34 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,797 ♪ To see my grandma ♪ 35 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,301 ♪ I just said hello ♪ 36 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,137 ♪ To be polite ♪ 37 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,932 ♪ Now you're telling me That my grandma was rude ♪ 38 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,476 ♪ 'Cause she didn't share ♪ 39 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:25,187 ♪ Her unsugared candy ♪ 40 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:31,401 ♪ Well, I guess that calls For a death pillow over your face ♪ 41 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,074 You ever go over to somebody's house 42 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,617 and, uh... 43 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,788 you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"? 44 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,665 And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay." 45 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,541 And then he goes, "Hey, take your socks off." 46 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:48,105 And you're like, "Take my socks off?" 47 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,213 And then he goes, "Roll up your pants." You're like, "Roll my pants up?" 48 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,816 He puts some grapes down, and goes, "Start stomping the grapes." 49 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,843 You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?" He's like, "Making the wine!" 50 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,762 "You make me the wine." 51 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,353 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 52 00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,188 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 53 00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:11,733 ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 54 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,985 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 55 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,445 ♪ God no ♪ 56 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,907 ♪ My mother's friend has a son Who just moved to Hollywood ♪ 57 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,617 ♪ And she asked me to help him ♪ 58 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,913 My wife's always putting lotion on my face. 59 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:27,749 Don't you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA? 60 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,044 My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion. 61 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,796 She always says she's looking out for me. 62 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,924 She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there's too much. 63 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,217 Doesn't rub it in either. 64 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,761 She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose... 65 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,805 Then I found out, before me, 66 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,349 my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie. 67 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:45,308 And I was like... 68 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:49,229 She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does. 69 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,441 I don't give a shit. 70 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,403 ♪ Daddy shaved his beard today ♪ 71 00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,198 ♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪ 72 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,493 ♪ Daddy's lips are really small ♪ 73 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,328 ♪ Doesn't have a chin at all ♪ 74 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,122 ♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪ 75 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,168 My father used to shave... 76 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,711 My dad had a beard, 77 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:15,338 and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard. 78 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,550 Like, didn't ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved. 79 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,219 It was... Any time my father shaved his beard, 80 00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,513 it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable. 81 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,974 When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like... 82 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,565 I was like, "Dad has dimples?" I didn't know Dad had dimples." 83 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,612 "It'll grow back." 84 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,322 Why'd you do it? 85 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:42,824 "I don't know. 86 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,619 It was... 87 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,411 It was itchy." 88 00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,915 "It's been itchy for ten fucking years?" 89 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,670 I went to my friend's house and he had a heated toilet seat. 90 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,883 I sat on his heated toilet seat. I've got to say it made you relax. 91 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,177 I went a lot better than I usually go. 92 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,239 I came out and said, "I like that heated toilet seat. Where'd you get that?" 93 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:07,057 He goes, "I don't have a heated toilet seat." 94 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,020 You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby? 95 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,479 And, uh... 96 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,608 And the baby goes... 97 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,610 And you're going, "Yeah, that's great." 98 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,404 And then... And the mother goes, "He can say 'hi' back." 99 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,324 And you go, "Oh, yeah?" And the kid goes... 100 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,450 You go, "There it is." 101 00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,536 Then mother goes, "No, he really can say it." 102 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:30,288 And the kid goes... 103 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,123 And you go, "Hey, that was great." 104 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,927 The mother goes, "No, he really can say it." 105 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,961 And the kid goes... 106 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,921 And you go, "There it is. That was it, right?" 107 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,423 And the mother's like, "No! Say it. Say hi." 108 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,259 And the kid's like... 109 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,470 And... And then the mother's like, "What the fuck? Say it! 110 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:46,680 You said it earlier!" 111 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,975 And the kid's like... 112 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,954 And you're like, "Hey, that was a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'." 113 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:56,648 And the mother's like, "What the...? I'm so mad at you, baby!" 114 00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:01,027 And then she like hands you the baby and is like, "I've got to walk this off. 115 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,446 This is very discouraging for me. 116 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,866 He said it earlier!" 117 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,784 And you're holding the baby, like... 118 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,621 "Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'. 119 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,790 Come on, you really upset your mother." 120 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,417 And the kid's looking at you... 121 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,712 And you're like, "Come on, get it out." It's gonna make her feel better. 122 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,549 And the kid's like... And you're like, "You can do it. Come on." 123 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:26,177 And the kid's like... 124 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:28,972 "Help me. 125 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,102 She... She... 126 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,480 She won't let me get vaccinated." 127 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,985 Come on, there's no proof that that's good or bad yet. 128 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,871 "I've been getting sick a lot." 129 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,913 ♪ My hands are shaking ♪ 130 00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:55,415 ♪ My heart's beating fast ♪ 131 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,751 ♪ I'm sweating through my cheap suit ♪ 132 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,211 ♪ How much longer can it last? ♪ 133 00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:02,881 ♪ I'm an alcoholic lawyer ♪ 134 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,467 ♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪ 135 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,844 ♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪ 136 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,263 ♪ If I want to make things right ♪ 137 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,932 ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ 138 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,060 ♪ There's an innocent man who needs you ♪ 139 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,228 ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ 140 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,774 ♪ There's nothing left to fear ♪ 141 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,026 Wait, what day is it? 142 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,737 Shit. 143 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,656 The trial was last week. 144 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,699 And he got the chair? 145 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:36,539 ♪ Well, let's have a few whiskey sours In his memory ♪ 146 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,878 My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore. 147 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,463 We go at a pretty good. It's fun. 148 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:47,467 You know, it's nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and... 149 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,846 It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there 150 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,570 because it's only me and her, nobody else. 151 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,952 So, we're like, "Let's fucking... Let's do it all," you know? 152 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,311 We do, uh... We do have a safe word. 153 00:07:58,395 --> 00:07:59,312 It's, "Really?" 154 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,527 My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip. 155 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:06,610 Wouldn't that be great? 156 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,293 I was always growing up, going, "Man, I've got to get a flip going. 157 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,283 Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip." 158 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,786 Everybody would be like, "Whoa, did you see the Sandman? 159 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,371 He popped out a flip." 160 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,457 I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something, 161 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,876 buying some cheap clothes and going, "Hey, watch this." 162 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,796 Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go, 163 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,881 "Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?" 164 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,050 I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time." 165 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:32,554 But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did. 166 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,348 Always I was like... I didn't know how to fucking practice. 167 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,599 That was the problem. 168 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,062 I didn't know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here, 169 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,231 and then go, "Ah, I don't know. I'm gonna get hurt." 170 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,192 And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too. 171 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,777 And I did that. I mastered that. 172 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,613 So, I'm in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself, 173 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,365 and in fluent Italian, I say to him, 174 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,617 "Hey, I love what you've done for the Church. 175 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,828 I love what you you're doing for the world. 176 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913 America says, 'Hello.' 177 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,540 Um... 178 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,167 Am I getting into heaven?" 179 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,753 And in Italian he says, "Can you do a flip?" 180 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,714 And I was like, "Madonne!" 181 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,800 Shit. 182 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,595 Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals 183 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,305 and, like, never can do anything? 184 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,557 "Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?" 185 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,642 "Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out 186 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,353 and I've got to paste it back on." 187 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,272 "Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long." 188 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,108 "Well, one of the ducks, she isn't quacking, so... 189 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:29,694 I've got to look... 190 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,654 I've got to look into that." 191 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952 Okay. 192 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:39,954 Dling! 193 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,457 By the way, I never met this man. 194 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,837 Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune. 195 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,964 Kind of a... You like the Bee Gees out there? 196 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,966 I always liked the Bee Gees. 197 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:52,884 ♪ Slow ♪ 198 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,469 - ♪ Slow ♪ - ♪ Slow ♪ 199 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,595 - ♪ Slow ♪ - ♪ Slow ♪ 200 00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,430 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 201 00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,433 - ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ - ♪ Slow ♪ 202 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,851 ♪ Slow ♪ 203 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,228 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 204 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,063 ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 205 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,898 ♪ Slow, slow ♪ 206 00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,818 - ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ - ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 207 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,404 - ♪ Slow, slow ♪ - ♪ Mr. Slow ♪ 208 00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,991 - ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ - ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ 209 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,912 ♪ I'm the slow motion man ♪ 210 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,664 ♪ In the crosswalk ♪ 211 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,836 ♪ Walking just as slow as I can ♪ 212 00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:32,006 ♪ Holding up the traffic ♪ 213 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,425 ♪ As I walk across the street ♪ 214 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,720 ♪ Hardly even seems ♪ 215 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,723 ♪ Like I'm picking up my feet ♪ 216 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:45,687 ♪ I'm the slow motion man In the crosswalk ♪ 217 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:51,067 ♪ California laws will protect me ♪ 218 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,532 ♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪ 219 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,909 ♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪ 220 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:04,247 ♪ And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead ♪ 221 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,168 ♪ Slow, slow ♪ 222 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,171 ♪ Dying so slow ♪ 223 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,882 Thank you. 224 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,428 ♪ Come on, right ♪ 225 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,930 ♪ That's right, feel that shit ♪ 226 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,765 ♪ Unh, right ♪ 227 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,225 ♪ Come on, Daddy ♪ 228 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,020 ♪ Join in on this motherfucker Would you? ♪ 229 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,147 ♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪ 230 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,315 ♪ So, let's go ♪ 231 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,192 ♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪ 232 00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,818 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 233 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,403 ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 234 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,905 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 235 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,507 - ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪ 236 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,634 - ♪ Yeah, that's right ♪ - ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 237 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,993 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 238 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494 ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 239 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,706 ♪ He got a free water If you want a drink drink ♪ 240 00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,374 ♪ You know, what else he got ♪ 241 00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,876 ♪ He got a stink stink ♪ 242 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,296 - ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ - ♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪ 243 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,940 - ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 244 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,174 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 245 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,800 ♪ Right when I got inside ♪ 246 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,469 ♪ I was like, "Uh-oh" ♪ 247 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,179 ♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪ 248 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,931 ♪ Just like a butthole ♪ 249 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:06,017 - ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ - ♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪ 250 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,037 - ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ - ♪ Locked window ♪ 251 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,121 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 252 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:10,772 ♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪ 253 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,106 ♪ He rock the window tint ♪ 254 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,485 ♪ One thing he doesn't rock Is that deodorant ♪ 255 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,321 - ♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪ - ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 256 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,633 - ♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪ - ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ 257 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:21,741 ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ 258 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,618 ♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪ 259 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,994 ♪ I pass the cord back ♪ 260 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,746 ♪ And when you take a bath ♪ 261 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,373 ♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪ 262 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,296 - ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ - ♪ What the fuck? ♪ 263 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,335 - ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ - ♪ Common courtesy ♪ 264 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,420 ♪ This shit got germs ♪ 265 00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:36,464 ♪ I can't believe the smell ♪ 266 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,799 ♪ In these Uber cars ♪ 267 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,550 ♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪ 268 00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,386 ♪ I'll give him five stars ♪ 269 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,637 ♪ Give him five stars ♪ 270 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,389 - ♪ Damn ♪ - ♪ Give him five stars ♪ 271 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,890 ♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪ 272 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,725 ♪ Better give him five stars ♪ 273 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:53,898 ♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪ 274 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,985 Oh, yes. 275 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,322 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ 276 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,092 ♪ Multicolored lolli... ♪ 277 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,326 - What the hell happened? - I fucked it up. 278 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,329 No! You don't just start over! 279 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,540 You apologize to me! 280 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:14,335 You don't just do that to the Sandman! 281 00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,338 Okay. 282 00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,299 Let's start again. We'll cut around it. 283 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,382 Not yet! 284 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:22,592 Hit it! 285 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,304 Hoo! 286 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,014 Yes, yes, yes. 287 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,933 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ 288 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:32,228 ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ 289 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,563 ♪ Red attire... ♪ 290 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,857 I fucked up. All right, sorry. 291 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,275 Fuck that shit! 292 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,569 The Sandman don't fuck up. 293 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,448 Ooh, from the top. 294 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,121 ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ 295 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,207 ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ 296 00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,169 ♪ Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪ 297 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,837 ♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪ 298 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,422 ♪ I want to eat them all ♪ 299 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,674 ♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪ 300 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:02,758 Let me hear you. 301 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:05,803 Let's go. 302 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,556 ♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪ 303 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,099 ♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪ 304 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,559 ♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪ 305 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,061 ♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪ 306 00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,687 ♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪ 307 00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,648 ♪ If you got a Kit Kat I would like a taste of that ♪ 308 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,526 ♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪ 309 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,404 Thank you. 310 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,425 Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time. 311 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,493 Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely. 312 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536 Okay, here comes a song. 313 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,122 More dancing. 314 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,211 ♪ Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio ♪ 315 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,589 ♪ Ohio ♪ 316 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,965 Yes, sir. 317 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,884 Here we go, here we go, here we go. 318 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,677 Should we clap along? 319 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,349 All right, let's lose that. I hate it. 320 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,850 Sorry. 321 00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,018 You were right on it. 322 00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,646 It's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit. 323 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,022 It was startling me. 324 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,819 ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who shaves his chest ♪ 325 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,239 ♪ We all know a guy Who wears a leather vest ♪ 326 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,701 ♪ We all know a guy Who knows a lot about coffee ♪ 327 00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,416 ♪ We all know a stud Who would fight anyone ♪ 328 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:20,169 ♪ We all know a fool Who wears his hair in a bun ♪ 329 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,587 ♪ We all know a guy ♪ 330 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,507 ♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter When he was 12 ♪ 331 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:30,388 ♪ Yeah, we all know a guy Who wears too much cologne ♪ 332 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:34,684 ♪ We all know a guy Who's better when he's stoned ♪ 333 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,563 ♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife Five seconds too long ♪ 334 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:44,694 ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who's starting a band ♪ 335 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,114 ♪ We all know a guy who's missing a hand ♪ 336 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,908 ♪ We all know a guy who doesn't work ♪ 337 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,286 ♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪ 338 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:59,500 ♪ We all know a guy Who said he almost went pro ♪ 339 00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:03,129 ♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪ 340 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:07,550 ♪ We all know a guy who's dick color Doesn't match his body ♪ 341 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,431 ♪ We all know a guy Whose hair always looks wet ♪ 342 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:17,059 ♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪ 343 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:22,023 ♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪ 344 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:31,949 ♪ And we all know a guy With weird allergies ♪ 345 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:35,203 ♪ We all know a guy Who sneezes in threes ♪ 346 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,205 ♪ So how come we don't know ♪ 347 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:40,291 ♪ Who my real father is? ♪ 348 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,669 No! 349 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,588 Thank you. Thank you. 350 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:52,762 I'm a triple threat though. You didn't know I could dance that fucking good. 351 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,722 Took many lessons growing up, man. 352 00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,477 The hula... The hula hoop. 353 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:03,314 Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking. 354 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,650 When I'm at my fucking kids' birthday parties 355 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,777 and some kid gives me a hula hoop 356 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,571 and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I'm going... 357 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,243 You see other parents like, "What the fuck?" 358 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,332 Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter 359 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,668 and you're tied on the 18th hole? 360 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,297 And in the middle of her backswing, 361 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,551 you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning." 362 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,263 And then... 363 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,224 And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw." 364 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:43,354 And you're like, "This kid stays concentrated." 365 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,649 She's fucking good. She's got focus. She could be somebody. 366 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,944 Are there married folks out there tonight? 367 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,028 Married folks. 368 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,073 I love it. Okay, this is for you guys. 369 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,410 ♪ You tell me I'm wrong ♪ 370 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,453 ♪ But I know I'm right ♪ 371 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,998 ♪ You say, "No fucking way" ♪ 372 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,083 ♪ But I insist that I'm right ♪ 373 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,377 ♪ So I pull out my phone ♪ 374 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,629 ♪ And I look it up ♪ 375 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,550 ♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪ 376 00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,595 ♪ But I pretend I can't find the answer ♪ 377 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:21,726 ♪ So I fake like I'm still looking ♪ 378 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,978 ♪ And you say, "So who's right?" ♪ 379 00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,771 ♪ I say, "My phone sucks" ♪ 380 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,190 ♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪ 381 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,361 ♪ Then you start to look it up ♪ 382 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,449 ♪ So I just grab your phone And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪ 383 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,410 Thank you. 384 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,078 Marriage is good, guys. 385 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,163 Marriage is good. 386 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,006 You'll like it one day if you're not married. 387 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,810 You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive. 388 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,879 Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time. 389 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,758 - It's fucking... It's a big mystery. - You tell her where you are tonight? 390 00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:55,301 Yeah, she knows I'm here. 391 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,552 My kids don't. 392 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,721 I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple. 393 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:05,227 I always get these emails from the kids' school that I've got to come in. 394 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:06,896 "It's Terrific Tuesday... 395 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,814 Make sure you come in." 396 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:11,400 And you're like, Terrific... What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday? 397 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,902 Well, you come by the school 398 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,945 and you tell the kids how terrific they are. 399 00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,990 And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday." 400 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,326 It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by. 401 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,120 You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles. 402 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,666 I'm like, my father literally came to school 403 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,627 one fucking time my whole school career. 404 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,172 He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test, 405 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,633 and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake? 406 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,427 I'm like, "What?" 407 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,805 "You put it on the nail?" 408 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,265 - "I think I did." - "You think? 409 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,849 "It's not there." 410 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,229 - "Okay." - "It's not okay." 411 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,274 "I'll get it for you after school." 412 00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,901 "No, you'll get it now!" 413 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:56,611 Okay, here we go. 414 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,826 ♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪ 415 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,496 ♪ Two are together And they're swimming out to sea ♪ 416 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:09,125 ♪ Three on a Ferris wheel Four at the zoo ♪ 417 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,043 ♪ Five in my pocket ♪ 418 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,087 ♪ Six in my shoe ♪ 419 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,922 ♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪ 420 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,757 ♪ Eight in a park ♪ 421 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,634 ♪ Nine in a gondola ♪ 422 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,136 ♪ Ten in the dark ♪ 423 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,304 ♪ It's everywhere you go ♪ 424 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,764 ♪ Everywhere you look ♪ 425 00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,434 ♪ Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite ♪ 426 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,269 There he is! 427 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:32,648 Joking. 428 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,276 He's not. Leave him alone. Get the fucking lights off of him. 429 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:36,819 He seems like a decent man. 430 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,820 Sorry. 431 00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,409 ♪ I am gonna read a book ♪ 432 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,369 ♪ Read a book, read a book ♪ 433 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,121 ♪ Gonna be a better man ♪ 434 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248 ♪ Better man than I am ♪ 435 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,125 ♪ So I go to Amazon ♪ 436 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,043 ♪ Amazon dot com ♪ 437 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,837 ♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪ 438 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,964 ♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪ 439 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,841 ♪ They will ship them right away ♪ 440 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,760 ♪ Right away, in a day ♪ 441 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,553 ♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪ 442 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,722 ♪ So it doesn't cost a dime ♪ 443 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,599 ♪ So I look at my new book ♪ 444 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,392 ♪ Take a look at my book ♪ 445 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,519 ♪ Right away I tune out ♪ 446 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,521 ♪ Don't like reading, get distracted ♪ 447 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,356 ♪ So I turn on my TV ♪ 448 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,233 ♪ TV good, reading bad ♪ 449 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,360 ♪ And I watch Property Brothers ♪ 450 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,821 ♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪ 451 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:23,990 Hello. 452 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,617 You ever... 453 00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,620 How about the times you wake up... 454 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,455 Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning 455 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,166 and you're like, "God damn it. What am I doing up right now?" 456 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,001 4:30, can't fall asleep... 457 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,753 I'm fucking ruined for the day. 458 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,636 Ever do one of those things where you go, "Let me just get out of bed," 459 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,051 and live like those people who always go, "Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day. 460 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,844 I do that for me. That's me time. 461 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,471 I spend the morning alone. 462 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,808 That's my time and it's the best. It sets me in the right mood." 463 00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,935 You're like, "Let me be one of those fucking pricks. 464 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,394 I'll get up at 4:30." 465 00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:55,105 And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast. 466 00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:57,900 You're like, "Wow, this is good. making breakfast. I never do that." 467 00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,151 And then you work out. 468 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,986 You're like, "I'm working out this early. 469 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,113 Holy shit. That's out of the way. That's great." 470 00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:05,491 And then you have yourself another breakfast. 471 00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:08,077 You're like, "Okay, I'm running out of shit to do." 472 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,580 And then you flip on the news and you go, "There's news before the news? 473 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,040 Who the fuck are these people? 474 00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,584 They're very good. They should be on the real news." 475 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:18,170 Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm. 476 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,014 You're like, "Is that the fucking early bird? 477 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,883 I've been hearing about that thing for a long time." 478 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,343 There he is. Holy shit." 479 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,554 Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it. 480 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:29,932 You're like, "That's how they fucking get to school. Nobody fucking told me... 481 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,934 What a day. This is interesting." 482 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:36,689 And then it's around 11 o'clock and you're in the middle of a work meeting 483 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,817 and you're like, "How long is this fucking day gonna go for? 484 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,527 Let me sleep!" 485 00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:48,075 My wife's grandmother turned... she turned 101 years old, 486 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,494 which is nice, 101 years old. 487 00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,913 That's good for the family, 488 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,874 you know, good to have that in your genes. 489 00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:56,584 My daughter's got that great life. 490 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,544 My family, we fucking die... 491 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,548 I should be dead is all I'm saying. It makes no sense that I'm here right now. 492 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,258 But 101 years old... 493 00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,928 I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder... 494 00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,639 Just, she kept going, "Ooh." 495 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:14,101 And I was saying, "It's tradition. We can't break tradition, Grandma." 496 00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,729 She was like, "I want to break tradition." 497 00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,357 I was like, "Well, you can't. So, just fucking deal with 94 more." 498 00:23:20,441 --> 00:23:22,109 And bam. "Oh!" 499 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:51,472 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 500 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:59,188 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 501 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,734 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 502 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,986 ♪ Grandma died ♪ 503 00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:09,365 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 504 00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:13,410 ♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪ 505 00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:16,789 ♪ Grandma died today ♪ 506 00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:21,919 ♪ I guess I'll go to a bingo game And steal ♪ 507 00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:25,047 ♪ Somebody else's grandma ♪ 508 00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:28,634 ♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪ 509 00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,929 ♪ Can't tell the difference ♪ 510 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,020 What's going on? You getting this camera all set? 511 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,105 Don't get hurt. 512 00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,482 That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery. 513 00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:44,984 It's blocking you good. 514 00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,778 You okay? You got your beer. That's a big fucking beer, man. 515 00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,781 Way to go. You get loose. 516 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,784 I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there. 517 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,287 Here we go. 518 00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:01,666 Yeah. 519 00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,254 Shoop! 520 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,217 I love you! 521 00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:14,471 ♪ I am a grown man ♪ 522 00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:18,642 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 523 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,146 ♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪ 524 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,066 ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ 525 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:29,570 ♪ I have no respect for my family ♪ 526 00:25:30,446 --> 00:25:33,532 ♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪ 527 00:25:34,116 --> 00:25:36,994 ♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪ 528 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,705 ♪ But the toilet is too far ♪ 529 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,499 ♪ The toilet is too far away ♪ 530 00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:46,837 ♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪ 531 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,048 ♪ The toilet is too far ♪ 532 00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:51,258 ♪ Once when I was drunk, I... ♪ 533 00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,470 ♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪ 534 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:58,390 ♪ But I prefer the shower ♪ 535 00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:02,144 ♪ My wife's loofah is starting to stink ♪ 536 00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,065 ♪ When my kids go to school In the morning ♪ 537 00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,818 ♪ They smell Like they're soaking in piss ♪ 538 00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,780 ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 539 00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:14,490 ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ 540 00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,867 ♪ I eat some asparagus ♪ 541 00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:20,204 ♪ I am an animal ♪ 542 00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:24,249 ♪ I am a destroyer ♪ 543 00:26:25,334 --> 00:26:27,836 ♪ They caught me pissing In my neighbor's pool ♪ 544 00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:32,216 ♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪ 545 00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,384 ♪ It was worth it ♪ 546 00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:36,929 Thank you! 547 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,765 That was fun. 548 00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:45,312 Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there... 549 00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:48,148 You're wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping. 550 00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:50,359 And then you've really... you've got to keep wiping. 551 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,820 And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one. 552 00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:54,029 Then you go, "You know what? 553 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,907 Just out of principal, I'm stopping after this next one. 554 00:26:56,990 --> 00:26:58,367 It's fucking enough already. 555 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,161 I don't care if I'm done or not. This is fucking killing me. 556 00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,956 Whatever happens happens. 557 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,291 Get me the fuck out of here. 558 00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,797 I did my first dick pic, everybody. 559 00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:13,799 Thank you. 560 00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:16,802 A dick pick is... that's a weird thing to do. 561 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:20,013 There's no reason for me to do it. I'm fucking married. 562 00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:23,159 But all my friends are doing them, so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just... 563 00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,144 at least I can be part of the conversation 564 00:27:25,227 --> 00:27:26,907 when they're talking about their dick pics. 565 00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:28,772 I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely." You know? 566 00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,526 So, I do my first dick pick. 567 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,403 I look back at it. 568 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,697 There's a ghost in the background. 569 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,074 So there's a ghost in the image, 570 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,743 and I'm like, "I live in fucking haunted house?" 571 00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:44,121 I had no idea. I want to show everybody... 572 00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,873 'cause... 573 00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,916 what are the chances of catching that? 574 00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,836 But my dick doesn't look... 575 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:54,339 as good as I want it to look in the image. 576 00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:57,551 Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall, 577 00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,470 so he made my dick not look... exact. 578 00:28:00,554 --> 00:28:04,641 Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick. 579 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,060 I was like, "What the fuck is your problem?" to the ghost. 580 00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:08,061 He was like... 581 00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:10,647 The ghost was like, "I live here too. I like to have fun." 582 00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:15,110 All right, I'm gonna play guitar a little bit for you. 583 00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,755 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 584 00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:37,633 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 585 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,761 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 586 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,764 ♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 587 00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,641 ♪ And yet, the fact is ♪ 588 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977 ♪ We still gotta practice ♪ 589 00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,145 ♪ Every day ♪ 590 00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:53,232 ♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 591 00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:56,526 ♪ My-my-my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 592 00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:59,488 ♪ The dumb teacher Gave the big parts away ♪ 593 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:02,532 ♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 594 00:29:02,616 --> 00:29:04,868 ♪ It's in the first five minutes ♪ 595 00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:08,997 ♪ But my wife says We still gotta stay the whole way ♪ 596 00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:12,584 ♪ Fuck no My kid's only got one line in a play ♪ 597 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:15,796 ♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪ 598 00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,465 ♪ I phone in a bomb scare And I call it a day ♪ 599 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,718 ♪ Because my kid's only got One line in a play ♪ 600 00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:23,303 ♪ And she got it wrong ♪ 601 00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:34,356 You love your kids more than anything on the planet until like 9:30 at night. 602 00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,692 And then you're like, "Okay... that's enough. 603 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,904 I loved you all day long. Just give me a little break. 604 00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:43,365 I answered all your crazy questions. 605 00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,575 I don't even know... I know nothing. 606 00:29:45,659 --> 00:29:48,620 That does not fucking help when you have to answer your kid. 607 00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:50,956 I've got to make up every goddamn answer. 608 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,416 "Are whales smart, Daddy?" 609 00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:55,919 "Well, you know, they're more street smart than book smart, but..." 610 00:29:56,003 --> 00:29:58,797 I don't fucking know anything about whales. 611 00:29:59,423 --> 00:30:02,259 My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old. 612 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,512 So, I go and see her play basketball, and she's a sweetheart of a kid. 613 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,515 And every time they put the kid in the game, I get so excited. 614 00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:10,267 I take my video camera out, 615 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:12,602 and I fucking video everything she does. 616 00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:16,023 And so, a couple Sundays ago, I'm videoing my daughter 617 00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:17,274 and another dad goes, 618 00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:19,818 "Hey, can you email me that when you're done?" 619 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,528 And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude. 620 00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:24,239 And then I'm videoing my kid and then I remembered. 621 00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:28,160 Actually, when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and... 622 00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,621 It's always not stuff I want other people to hear. 623 00:30:31,705 --> 00:30:34,583 And I'm always like, "Okay, you got it, you little cutie. 624 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,336 You've got the ball. You're so good. Look how good you are. 625 00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:40,505 You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid. 626 00:30:40,589 --> 00:30:43,050 I'll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God. 627 00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,261 Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid. You all suck out there." 628 00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:50,474 And I was like, "I better not email that to that man there. 629 00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:54,144 So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing. 630 00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,563 The guy was like, "What the fuck's with the ruler?" 631 00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:00,275 I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy." 632 00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:01,359 "I'm with you." 633 00:31:01,735 --> 00:31:03,653 My little sweet daughter... 634 00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:04,821 the sixth grader, 635 00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:06,990 she comes back from school and she's like, 636 00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:09,659 "All the boys keep saying, 'That's what she said...' 637 00:31:09,743 --> 00:31:11,244 and then they all laugh." 638 00:31:11,328 --> 00:31:13,830 - "Why Daddy?" - And I was like, "Oh, boy." 639 00:31:13,914 --> 00:31:16,666 "Yeah, it seems like anything I say, 640 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,919 they say, 'That's what she said.' 641 00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,255 They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh. 642 00:31:22,339 --> 00:31:25,175 And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da." 643 00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:28,428 And so, I'm like, "Okay, how do I explain this to her?" 644 00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:31,681 And I'm trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it, 645 00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,850 in a clean way, no cursing. 646 00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:36,603 And I'm just going, "Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..." 647 00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:37,854 And then my kid goes, 648 00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:40,148 "That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best." 649 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:43,985 And I was like, "That's what she said." 650 00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,697 All right, let's do this. 651 00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:51,993 That's not true. None of that... None of this fucking story... 652 00:31:52,077 --> 00:31:53,912 All this is a lie. All right. 653 00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,792 ♪ I'll take the large, please ♪ 654 00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,919 ♪ Can't believe my eyes ♪ 655 00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:04,381 ♪ Sprinkles and fudge And a smelly surprise ♪ 656 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:07,926 ♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪ 657 00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,637 ♪ Thank you for letting me Eat your pussy ♪ 658 00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:15,392 Come on. 659 00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:19,479 You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time. 660 00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:22,607 Oh, Sandman. 661 00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,901 That's too much. 662 00:32:24,985 --> 00:32:26,319 Okay. 663 00:32:28,530 --> 00:32:29,531 Just getting ready. 664 00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:33,660 ♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪ 665 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,621 ♪ The co-pilot can't be found ♪ 666 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,083 ♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪ 667 00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:43,044 ♪ They know the plane's going down ♪ 668 00:32:43,128 --> 00:32:45,922 ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ 669 00:32:46,006 --> 00:32:49,176 ♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪ 670 00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:51,553 ♪ We need a hero who's going to do it ♪ 671 00:32:52,304 --> 00:32:55,056 ♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪ 672 00:32:55,140 --> 00:32:58,477 ♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪ 673 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,480 ♪ The people on the plane All start to cheer ♪ 674 00:33:01,563 --> 00:33:04,399 ♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪ 675 00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:07,694 ♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪ 676 00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,031 ♪ So I go in the cockpit Put the headset on ♪ 677 00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:13,909 ♪ And grab the main control ♪ 678 00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,286 ♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪ 679 00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:18,205 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 680 00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:21,124 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 681 00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,543 Yeah. 682 00:33:27,631 --> 00:33:28,631 Thank you. 683 00:33:31,718 --> 00:33:34,387 ♪ We're on a runaway train ♪ 684 00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:37,891 ♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪ 685 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,936 ♪ The people in the dining car ♪ 686 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,855 ♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪ 687 00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:46,608 ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ 688 00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:50,070 ♪ Yeah, we need a hero To bring us through the danger ♪ 689 00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,906 ♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪ 690 00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:56,076 ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ 691 00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:59,037 ♪ So I put the engineer's hat On the top of my head ♪ 692 00:33:59,621 --> 00:34:02,582 ♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪ 693 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:05,460 ♪ A guy says, "You're the man, man" ♪ 694 00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,630 ♪ And a deaf woman signs "Go get 'em" ♪ 695 00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,925 ♪ Then I go to the cab And I toot the whistle ♪ 696 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,761 ♪ That's something I always wanted to do ♪ 697 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,930 ♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪ 698 00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,890 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 699 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,309 Thank you. Thank you. 700 00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:24,270 Thank you. 701 00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:28,315 Ahh. 702 00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:34,781 ♪ We're in a nice family restaurant ♪ 703 00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:38,118 ♪ Somebody's grandma's choking On a lamb chop ♪ 704 00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:42,872 ♪ There's panic in the air As Nana's face turns blue ♪ 705 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:45,625 ♪ The busboy screams in Spanish "What the fuck do we do?" ♪ 706 00:34:45,709 --> 00:34:48,295 ♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪ 707 00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:51,798 ♪ We need a hero To clean out her windpipe ♪ 708 00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,884 ♪ We need a hero Who's down with Heimlich ♪ 709 00:34:54,968 --> 00:34:58,138 ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ 710 00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,682 ♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪ 711 00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:04,144 ♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪ 712 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,772 ♪ Another guy gets up And says he's a doctor ♪ 713 00:35:07,856 --> 00:35:10,859 ♪ I say, "Sit the fuck down I got this shit" ♪ 714 00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820 ♪ Then I wrap my arms Around Grandma's chest ♪ 715 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,990 ♪ And I look her grandkids Deep in the eyes ♪ 716 00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,408 ♪ Then right away... ♪ 717 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,454 ♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪ 718 00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,998 ♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪ 719 00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:25,999 Grandma! 720 00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:30,962 What the fuck was that? 721 00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:34,174 After every joke... 722 00:35:37,427 --> 00:35:39,179 This is one that we don't play that much 723 00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:41,806 But, uh... but I figured it's fucking Jersey. 724 00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:44,351 I think you guys might enjoy this. So here we go. 725 00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,448 ♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪ 726 00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,116 ♪ People come from far away ♪ 727 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,993 ♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪ 728 00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,037 ♪ I brush my fro up ♪ 729 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,538 ♪ Feeling skittish ♪ 730 00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:07,457 ♪ People speaking Yiddish ♪ 731 00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,292 ♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪ 732 00:36:09,376 --> 00:36:11,086 ♪ Tailor's hanging on my thigh ♪ 733 00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,879 ♪ Practice for the whole year ♪ 734 00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:14,673 ♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪ 735 00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:16,466 ♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪ 736 00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,635 ♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪ 737 00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,053 ♪ Dad's mad at the cost ♪ 738 00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:21,888 ♪ Too bad Mom's the boss ♪ 739 00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:23,682 ♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪ 740 00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:27,185 ♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 741 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,520 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 742 00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,772 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 743 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,065 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 744 00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,484 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 745 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,902 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 746 00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:38,071 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 747 00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,406 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 748 00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:41,866 ♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪ 749 00:36:41,950 --> 00:36:43,743 ♪ I'm staring out at everyone ♪ 750 00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,578 ♪ Can't remember how it goes ♪ 751 00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:47,539 ♪ Whistle from my rabbi's nose ♪ 752 00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,165 ♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪ 753 00:36:49,249 --> 00:36:50,875 ♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪ 754 00:36:50,959 --> 00:36:52,794 ♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪ 755 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,546 ♪ Everybody says, "Good job" ♪ 756 00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,464 ♪ Now I'm done, sweet relief ♪ 757 00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:58,383 ♪ Lipstick on Mama's teeth ♪ 758 00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:00,135 ♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪ 759 00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:01,970 ♪ "What the fuck is a knish?" ♪ 760 00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,722 ♪ Kids are all coming in ♪ 761 00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:05,515 ♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪ 762 00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:07,308 ♪ Make a bank deposit ♪ 763 00:37:07,392 --> 00:37:09,269 ♪ Make out in the closet ♪ 764 00:37:09,352 --> 00:37:12,647 ♪ He's the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 765 00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:13,940 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 766 00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:16,192 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 767 00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:17,652 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 768 00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,654 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 769 00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,114 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 770 00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,366 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 771 00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:24,826 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 772 00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:27,203 ♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪ 773 00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:29,122 ♪ Grandma's ass is six feet wide ♪ 774 00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:30,915 ♪ Party music never stops ♪ 775 00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,834 ♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪ 776 00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,419 ♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪ 777 00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,379 ♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪ 778 00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,006 ♪ Chug as much as I can ♪ 779 00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:39,632 ♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪ 780 00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,760 ♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪ 781 00:37:41,843 --> 00:37:43,261 ♪ This strains my family ♪ 782 00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,221 ♪ But I'm a man, so I don't care ♪ 783 00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:47,182 ♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪ 784 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,685 ♪ I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 785 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:51,895 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 786 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,314 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 787 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,523 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 788 00:37:55,607 --> 00:37:57,692 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 789 00:37:57,776 --> 00:37:58,985 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 790 00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:01,321 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 791 00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:02,697 ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ 792 00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:06,284 ♪ And it's the best day of my life ♪ 793 00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,286 ♪ Until three years later ♪ 794 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:11,039 ♪ When my parents stop Making me go to temple ♪ 795 00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,376 Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. 796 00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:22,717 So I'll tell you a little story about Disney World. 797 00:38:22,801 --> 00:38:25,595 You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story? 798 00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,931 Please, I can... Okay. 799 00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:30,475 So you guys have been to Disney World, right? 800 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,644 The families have been there. 801 00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,438 Who doesn't have kids and still goes to Disney World? 802 00:38:37,357 --> 00:38:39,484 You fucking stoners. 803 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:41,402 I'm on to you. 804 00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,990 All right, so I go to Disney World recently 805 00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:48,827 with my wife and the two kids. 806 00:38:48,910 --> 00:38:51,037 My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster. 807 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,414 They were very excited. So, we wait on the line. 808 00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:55,378 We're waiting. You know the lines are very long. 809 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,377 So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes. 810 00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:59,212 We get to the front of the line, 811 00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,967 and then the roller coaster, we find out, only takes three people at a time. 812 00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,593 So, there's four of us. 813 00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,512 And I see my wife and the two kids 814 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,973 just immediately start walking to the thing. 815 00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:12,851 And I was like, we're not even gonna flip a coin. Not... 816 00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:15,603 Not even a thought, right? They're like, "No, no..." 817 00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:16,896 I was like, "Yeah. All right." 818 00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:19,732 And so, I'm sitting there very angry. I'm stewing. 819 00:39:19,816 --> 00:39:22,277 Like, "I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes 820 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,488 to go on this fucking shit with you guys, and you fucking bail on me." 821 00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:29,993 Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he's muttering. 822 00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,162 He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker... They're mean as shit. 823 00:39:33,246 --> 00:39:34,622 And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah." 824 00:39:34,706 --> 00:39:36,249 And then I say to the other dad, 825 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,793 I go, "You want fucking me and you to go on it together? 826 00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:41,421 And he's like, "What?" I go, "Well, I'm not going alone. 827 00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,381 Let's fucking do this shit. I'll go with you." 828 00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:46,175 And he's like, "Yeah, whatever the fuck you want." 829 00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:47,677 And so... 830 00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:51,306 So I get on the roller coaster with the guy 831 00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:53,029 and we're both not talking to each other. 832 00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,893 The roller coaster takes off, 833 00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:57,061 and you know how they take off so fucking fast... 834 00:39:57,145 --> 00:40:00,231 that both our necks snap back, and we look at each other. 835 00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,635 And he's like "Ooh, that got me." 836 00:40:01,691 --> 00:40:04,027 I was like, "Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man." 837 00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:05,528 We start laughing a little bit. 838 00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:07,739 And we're fucking all of a sudden loosening up. 839 00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,743 And we're fucking doing all the... jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns. 840 00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:14,454 I'm fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy. 841 00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:18,249 He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?" I was like, "Hey, here we are." 842 00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:20,126 And we're laughing our asses off. 843 00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:24,047 And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been this happy in at least 11 years. 844 00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:28,009 I know that, but whatever, I'm fucking... jetting around, 845 00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,260 fucking doing loop-the-loops. 846 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:30,637 He's fucking bumping my first. 847 00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:32,907 I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker." He's like, "Yeah, baby." 848 00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:34,474 We get to the end. The fucking... 849 00:40:34,557 --> 00:40:36,351 You know how the break comes out of nowhere. 850 00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,479 It fucking screeches on, both our fucking heads snap again. 851 00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:42,941 He's like, "They got us again. I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn. 852 00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:49,113 So, uh, we're creeping up to, you know, getting off the ride, 853 00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:50,740 how it's like a little slow at exit, 854 00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:52,992 and we're sitting there, and I'm fucking... 855 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,453 I feel this crazy pain in my heart, 856 00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,582 and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love with this guy or some shit? 857 00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:00,792 What happened? 858 00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,503 And he's not looking at me. I'm like this guy feels it too, 859 00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:05,588 'cause he's in a fucking daze. We're both... 860 00:41:05,672 --> 00:41:08,675 And my kids are like, "Come on, let's go to Peter Pan." 861 00:41:08,758 --> 00:41:10,426 I was like, "All right, in a minute." 862 00:41:10,510 --> 00:41:12,178 I'm yelling at the kids too loud. 863 00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,222 "I've got to say goodbye to the man." 864 00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,431 And, uh... 865 00:41:15,515 --> 00:41:17,767 I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you." 866 00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,727 He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you." 867 00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,980 He won't look at me, and we're both all fucked up. 868 00:41:22,063 --> 00:41:24,524 He goes back to his family, I go back to mine. 869 00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,817 I'm walking away. 870 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,736 In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see that fucking guy again, 871 00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,822 and I don't feel good about that. 872 00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:31,905 Um... 873 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:33,491 And then I... 874 00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:34,993 And then I go... 875 00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,495 "They take your picture though... 876 00:41:38,121 --> 00:41:39,247 on those rides. 877 00:41:39,789 --> 00:41:41,666 You know, just for memory's sake. 878 00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:45,169 Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see, maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't. 879 00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:47,839 But if they did... why not? Fuck it, you know. Let's just see." 880 00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:49,340 And so, we... 881 00:41:49,424 --> 00:41:50,842 We go to the, uh... 882 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,845 I go to that place where there's the fucking monitor up. 883 00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222 Sure enough, there's a picture of me and the guy, 884 00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,058 upside down, in the loop-the-loop... 885 00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:02,687 staring so deep into each other's eyes. 886 00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:04,063 It was fucking bananas. 887 00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:07,316 I was like, "Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too." 888 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:12,488 So, I say to the lady behind the counter, "Hey, how much is that?" 889 00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,699 And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars." 890 00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,117 I was like, "Oh. Okay." 891 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,245 And then I take my phone out, and I fucking snap a shot of it. 892 00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:22,915 And then I feel this energy behind me. 893 00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:25,126 I look back, and it's the guy from Oklahoma. 894 00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,462 He's holding the picture he just bought. 895 00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:30,131 And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?" 896 00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,428 So, anyways... 897 00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:38,931 If that man is watching my Netflix special right now, 898 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,100 I think of you a lot, sir. 899 00:42:41,184 --> 00:42:42,393 I think of you a lot. 900 00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:46,314 All right, Milwaukee, let's fucking do this shit. Here we go. 901 00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,942 ♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪ 902 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,613 ♪ Here we go again ♪ 903 00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,448 ♪ Come on ♪ 904 00:42:56,657 --> 00:42:57,992 ♪ I'm heading out ♪ 905 00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,786 ♪ And all I'm taking with me ♪ 906 00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:01,329 ♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 907 00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,247 ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ 908 00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:06,459 ♪ Just those three things, please Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 909 00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,419 ♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪ 910 00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:10,213 ♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪ 911 00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:11,756 ♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪ 912 00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:13,599 ♪ That's what my motherfucking keys Are for ♪ 913 00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:14,967 ♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪ 914 00:43:15,051 --> 00:43:16,761 ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ 915 00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:20,139 ♪ Good things come in threes Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 916 00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:23,726 ♪ If I'm going to the zoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 917 00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:26,979 ♪ If I'm getting a face tattoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ 918 00:43:27,063 --> 00:43:30,566 ♪ If I'm going out to a wedding If it's winter time and I'm sledding ♪ 919 00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:34,195 ♪ If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪ 920 00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,281 ♪ I'm going on vacation To the West Indies ♪ 921 00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:38,991 ♪ And I don't got no luggage ♪ 922 00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:40,701 ♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪ 923 00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:42,620 ♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪ 924 00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:44,539 ♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪ 925 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:45,790 Fuck. 926 00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,083 Okay. 927 00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:49,669 ♪ Guess I need my phone Wallet, passport, keys ♪ 928 00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,337 ♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 929 00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,674 ♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 930 00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:58,010 ♪ I'm finally on the plane I'm riding Delta, Delta ♪ 931 00:43:58,094 --> 00:43:59,846 ♪ The lady farted next to me ♪ 932 00:43:59,929 --> 00:44:01,430 ♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪ 933 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:03,391 ♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪ 934 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,101 ♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪ 935 00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:06,811 ♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪ 936 00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,437 ♪ I forgot my laptop ♪ 937 00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:10,022 ♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪ 938 00:44:10,106 --> 00:44:11,106 ♪ Damn it ♪ 939 00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:13,693 ♪ Now I need my laptop Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 940 00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,420 ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ 941 00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:17,029 ♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪ 942 00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:20,324 ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys I'm swinging my shit all over the place ♪ 943 00:44:20,408 --> 00:44:21,808 ♪ I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya ♪ 944 00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:23,161 ♪ I'm carrying so much shit ♪ 945 00:44:23,244 --> 00:44:25,621 ♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪ 946 00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:28,958 ♪ No place to put it, what can I do? Probably should take my iPad too ♪ 947 00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:30,521 ♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪ 948 00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:32,503 ♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪ 949 00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,213 ♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪ 950 00:44:34,297 --> 00:44:37,300 ♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪ 951 00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,385 - ♪ My headphones ♪ - ♪ They're Beats by Dre ♪ 952 00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:42,805 ♪ My notebook, my GoPro My vape pen, my crossbow ♪ 953 00:44:42,889 --> 00:44:44,307 ♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪ 954 00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:46,100 ♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪ 955 00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:47,953 - ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ - ♪ God damn ♪ 956 00:44:47,977 --> 00:44:49,187 ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ 957 00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:51,147 ♪ It used to be so easy ♪ 958 00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:52,910 ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ 959 00:44:52,982 --> 00:44:56,402 ♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah Phone, wallet, keys ♪ 960 00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:57,945 ♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪ 961 00:44:58,029 --> 00:44:59,739 ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ 962 00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:03,034 ♪ My pockets got so heavy Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping ♪ 963 00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:06,370 ♪ Each time I leave my house It's like I'm camping, I'm camping ♪ 964 00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:09,999 ♪ I'm miserable, just standing around I'm like a walking lost and found ♪ 965 00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,626 ♪ You know I'd rather stay at home ♪ 966 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:14,712 - ♪ Where all I need's my fucking phone ♪ - ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 967 00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,006 - ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 968 00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,424 ♪ Much happier at home ♪ 969 00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,343 ♪ Just playing with my phone ♪ 970 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,261 - ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪ 971 00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:23,429 ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ 972 00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,348 ♪ Yeah, I'll just stay at home ♪ 973 00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:28,100 ♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪ 974 00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,482 I'm gonna do my first mic drop. 975 00:45:35,358 --> 00:45:36,734 Yeah. 976 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:37,652 Yeah. 977 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,821 You just got Sandoozled. 978 00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,452 Yeah, yeah. 979 00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,079 Sweet, sweet, sweet. 980 00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:50,831 That was a good ending. 981 00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:52,083 Thank you. 982 00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,753 Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that? 983 00:45:56,379 --> 00:45:58,673 Oh, shit, you scared me with that one. 984 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,216 Give me a second. 985 00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:02,677 Wait, okay. Okay, here we go. 986 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,595 This one's fun. 987 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,849 ♪ He's a very strong lad ♪ 988 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,728 ♪ But he hasn't been laid in years ♪ 989 00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,107 ♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪ 990 00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:20,778 ♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪ 991 00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,990 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 992 00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:27,118 ♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪ 993 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,997 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 994 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:34,041 ♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪ 995 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:36,335 ♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪ 996 00:46:37,545 --> 00:46:40,131 ♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪ 997 00:46:41,299 --> 00:46:44,510 ♪ But that doesn't change The horrible fact ♪ 998 00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:47,638 ♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪ 999 00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:51,517 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1000 00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:55,021 ♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪ 1001 00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:58,399 ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ 1002 00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:01,944 ♪ Can't stop looking at those UFC ears ♪ 1003 00:47:02,028 --> 00:47:05,281 ♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪ 1004 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:08,534 ♪ Ballet dancers Have those fucked up toes ♪ 1005 00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,912 ♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪ 1006 00:47:11,996 --> 00:47:14,957 ♪ But I can't believe these guys Can fucking hear ♪ 1007 00:47:15,041 --> 00:47:17,043 ♪ With those UFC ears ♪ 1008 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:18,627 ♪ UFC ears ♪ 1009 00:47:19,128 --> 00:47:22,465 ♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪ 1010 00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:25,885 ♪ UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears ♪ 1011 00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:29,096 ♪ Cries himself to sleep He's got UFC ears ♪ 1012 00:47:29,180 --> 00:47:30,765 ♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪ 1013 00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:34,977 ♪ I'll be shaking With cheeks wet with tears ♪ 1014 00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,731 ♪ Because he's going to find me And beat my fucking head in ♪ 1015 00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:42,568 ♪ Screaming, "Welcome to the club Of UFC ears" ♪ 1016 00:47:44,904 --> 00:47:45,904 ♪ Ears ♪ 1017 00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,280 ♪ Ears ♪ 1018 00:47:47,615 --> 00:47:48,615 ♪ Ears ♪ 1019 00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:49,949 ♪ Ears ♪ 1020 00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:51,994 Yeah. 1021 00:47:52,078 --> 00:47:53,078 Oh my. 1022 00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,957 That's some smokey shit. 1023 00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,668 This is not from us. There is a fucking fire. 1024 00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,254 Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick. 1025 00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:04,256 No, I'm just joking. Don't... don't bail on me. 1026 00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,426 Is that going into your mouth? 1027 00:48:08,177 --> 00:48:09,804 That's... Yeah, that's... 1028 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,806 That's what she said. Yes. Very good. 1029 00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:13,808 That was fun. 1030 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,142 Really good. 1031 00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:16,644 I liked that. 1032 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,563 Yes, those UFC guys, they are built pretty fucking good. 1033 00:48:19,647 --> 00:48:20,564 I can't stand... 1034 00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:22,900 That's the only reason I don't watch. I get so angry 1035 00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,486 at how fucking chiselled these fucking guys are. 1036 00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,240 I go to the gym, of course, but I just go to pick my wife up. 1037 00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,659 I'm always like, "Hey, how was that? How'd it go in there?" 1038 00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,787 She's like, "You've got to come in." I'm like, "Yeah, definitely." 1039 00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:38,207 I got old enough now that I don't take my shirt off anymore. 1040 00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,709 I'm 51, 51 years old. 1041 00:48:41,961 --> 00:48:44,296 So, I don't take my shirt off anymore 1042 00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:47,633 when I go swimming at, like, a hotel pool with my kids. 1043 00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:49,260 I keep my fucking shirt on. 1044 00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:51,223 I'm swimming, and everyone's pointing and stuff, 1045 00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,180 and like this lifeguard was yelling at me. 1046 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,349 "You can't do that." I'm like, "What the fuck is... 1047 00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:58,203 I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want to take my fucking shirt off." 1048 00:48:58,227 --> 00:49:00,947 He's like, "No, you've got to wear a bathing suit, your dick is out." 1049 00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:02,481 I'm like, "Oh, okay. 1050 00:49:02,565 --> 00:49:05,818 Oh, this is, uh... one of the fancy Howard Johnson's. 1051 00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,944 I got you. 1052 00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:08,737 Fuck. Sorry, man." 1053 00:49:08,821 --> 00:49:11,323 The guys over 50 know what I'm talking about. 1054 00:49:11,407 --> 00:49:15,703 The testicles do get bigger and bigger as you get older. 1055 00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:18,622 They hang lower and whatever the fuck happens... 1056 00:49:18,706 --> 00:49:20,958 You know, you've seen it at the YMCA your whole life, 1057 00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,794 the older men with the giant balls, 1058 00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:25,838 and you're always wondering 1059 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,757 why they're so free and happy, fucking... 1060 00:49:28,841 --> 00:49:31,010 Those are like the 85-year-old guys. 1061 00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,805 They don't give a fuck. They just swing it... and whatever. 1062 00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,649 They don't even think of throwing a towel on. 1063 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:39,810 They're just like, "This is it. I only got a few years left. 1064 00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:43,063 I want... You should remember me how I am, 1065 00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:45,024 with these giant..." 1066 00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:46,984 My balls are not that big, 1067 00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,237 but they still don't make sense on my body. 1068 00:49:50,321 --> 00:49:54,158 My dick literally looks like it's sitting in a bean bag chair. 1069 00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,453 Yeah, it's so comfortable. My dick never... 1070 00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,330 it never wants to leave the balls. 1071 00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,789 It's always just resting. 1072 00:50:00,873 --> 00:50:04,543 So nice, like, "I love you guys. You're my best friends." 1073 00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:09,131 The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now, 1074 00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:10,841 because we're both not used to them. 1075 00:50:10,925 --> 00:50:14,512 I'm behind her doing my thing, what you do when you're behind your wife. 1076 00:50:14,595 --> 00:50:16,180 And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking." 1077 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,266 I'm like, "That wasn't me. That was... That was those guys, babe." 1078 00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:20,768 And she's like, "Oh... 1079 00:50:21,352 --> 00:50:23,312 Oh, you got me again." 1080 00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,441 Okay, this is for the people who either live together 1081 00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,109 or have been married for awhile. 1082 00:50:29,193 --> 00:50:30,361 Okay? This is for you. 1083 00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:33,656 ♪ You're giving me a strange look In the mirror ♪ 1084 00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,491 ♪ As I brush my teeth ♪ 1085 00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:39,461 ♪ I don't know What I could have done wrong ♪ 1086 00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:41,455 ♪ 'Cause I literally just woke up ♪ 1087 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,711 ♪ Maybe you had a dream That I cheated on you ♪ 1088 00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:53,092 ♪ Or you remember something mean I said Like two fucking years ago ♪ 1089 00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:58,847 ♪ All I know is that all day long It's gonna be weird ♪ 1090 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,475 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1091 00:51:01,559 --> 00:51:04,728 ♪ Why the hell is she walking past me Without talking? ♪ 1092 00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,855 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1093 00:51:06,939 --> 00:51:08,732 ♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪ 1094 00:51:08,816 --> 00:51:10,818 ♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪ 1095 00:51:11,569 --> 00:51:12,611 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1096 00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:14,947 ♪ When she picks up the phone She uses a nice voice ♪ 1097 00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,700 ♪ But when she hangs up It's back to fucking monotone ♪ 1098 00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:19,952 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1099 00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,954 ♪ I see you're reading a book In the kitchen ♪ 1100 00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:24,873 ♪ But she hasn't turned a page In 45 fucking minutes ♪ 1101 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,668 ♪ Eggshells ♪ 1102 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,712 ♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪ 1103 00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,381 ♪ I'd start going on walks with her ♪ 1104 00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:37,261 ♪ But I didn't say it With enough enthusiasm ♪ 1105 00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:39,430 Thank you. 1106 00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,473 Yo, Sandman, what's your favorite vegetable? 1107 00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,267 Ah-ha, we get it. 1108 00:51:46,979 --> 00:51:47,979 Oh, shit. 1109 00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:50,316 Yeah. 1110 00:51:52,026 --> 00:51:54,320 ♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪ 1111 00:51:56,405 --> 00:52:01,410 Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental! 1112 00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,246 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1113 00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:07,249 ♪ Feels so good ♪ 1114 00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:10,210 ♪ Kiss your body ♪ 1115 00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:13,672 ♪ Come on, let's get naughty ♪ 1116 00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:16,133 ♪ Now we're in the groove ♪ 1117 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,428 ♪ Rocking so hard Her belly's starting to move, yeah ♪ 1118 00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,264 ♪ I'm gonna show you how ♪ 1119 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,683 ♪ Nothing in the world's Gonna stop us now ♪ 1120 00:52:24,767 --> 00:52:29,396 ♪ So let's both ignore That crazy pussy fart ♪ 1121 00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,775 Thank you. 1122 00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,777 The vagina fart 1123 00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:37,279 has been around a long time, girls. 1124 00:52:37,363 --> 00:52:38,572 No problem. It's fun. 1125 00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,117 The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say still gets you every time. 1126 00:52:42,201 --> 00:52:45,412 Everybody. Every fellow here enjoys them so much. 1127 00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:46,955 Just keep them coming, girls. 1128 00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,250 It just provides entertainment in the bedroom. 1129 00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,002 Guys do not say nothing about it. 1130 00:52:52,086 --> 00:52:53,962 Guys will fucking ignore it every time. 1131 00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:56,715 Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it's fucking over. 1132 00:52:56,799 --> 00:52:58,967 You're getting up and leaving and that's it. 1133 00:52:59,051 --> 00:53:02,554 So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck that was, let's keep... 1134 00:53:02,638 --> 00:53:04,056 Let's keep going forward." 1135 00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:07,059 I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart. 1136 00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:10,896 I've been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there. 1137 00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:12,147 I don't say shit. 1138 00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:13,857 You know, I might go like, "Uh." 1139 00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:15,609 I might give her one of those. 1140 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,193 Hey, now. 1141 00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:20,656 But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started. 1142 00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:25,077 You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row, 1143 00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,831 I might say, "I think you've got to do some fucking jumping jacks or some shit. 1144 00:53:29,415 --> 00:53:31,625 You know, get a Q-Tip, 1145 00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,001 fucking pop that... 1146 00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:35,796 You got... Something's wrong. Something's going on with you. 1147 00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,549 But when you come back, I'll fucking finish you good. 1148 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,008 I promise you. 1149 00:53:40,092 --> 00:53:41,844 If it was reversed... 1150 00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,847 let me just say... the girls would not be as sweet to us. 1151 00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:47,015 If there was a dick fart, if there was such a... 1152 00:53:47,099 --> 00:53:50,978 There's no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart... 1153 00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,731 And it would be nothing. It's such a little hole. 1154 00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:55,482 The sound would be nothing. 1155 00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:57,276 Your vaginas literally are like 1156 00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:01,155 acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer. 1157 00:54:01,697 --> 00:54:05,492 And... And we're just like, "All right, let's play it off like it didn't happen." 1158 00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:08,370 With a dick fart, you'd be like... At the most, it would sound like... 1159 00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:12,332 And you'd be like, "Whoa, what the fuck is that?" 1160 00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,172 "I'm nervous. I don't know. 1161 00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,382 You don't think that's cute? 1162 00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:23,010 It sounds like a little Disney character. 1163 00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:25,511 Cinderelly." 1164 00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:27,306 "I'm leaving!" 1165 00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:29,558 We'd have to play it off like it didn't happen. 1166 00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,041 Like, "No, I think the tea's ready. 1167 00:54:36,607 --> 00:54:39,526 My wife, one time, hit me in the face with a combo platter. 1168 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,279 She hit me with the vagina to the mouth... 1169 00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:43,363 Up high. 1170 00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:47,284 At the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other... 1171 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,452 the, uh... 1172 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,497 She came up high and down low at the very same time. 1173 00:54:51,580 --> 00:54:53,999 I fucking don't know what happened. One time in 20 years. 1174 00:54:54,082 --> 00:54:56,585 Just fucking bam, in the face, one in the neck. 1175 00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,421 Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm. 1176 00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:01,632 We don't know what she was eating that day, 1177 00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,175 but whatever the fuck it was, 1178 00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,551 she got me good. 1179 00:55:04,635 --> 00:55:06,637 I've got to say, it literally felt like 1180 00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,139 somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane. 1181 00:55:09,223 --> 00:55:10,641 It was like, "Whoa!" 1182 00:55:12,184 --> 00:55:14,812 There was debris in the air and fucking... 1183 00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,148 Other passengers were floating through my fucking room. 1184 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,903 Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was... 1185 00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:24,321 But I fucking took it like... 1186 00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:27,115 I did wish someone else saw it. That was fucking incredible. 1187 00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:30,953 And then I hear the ghost go, "I saw that shit. Oh, my God. 1188 00:55:31,036 --> 00:55:33,622 It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand." 1189 00:55:35,958 --> 00:55:39,461 So I tell my wife recently I would love to try anal. 1190 00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:42,631 And I say to my wife, "Hey, I would love to try anal." 1191 00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:44,466 And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't." 1192 00:55:44,550 --> 00:55:45,801 And then I say, "Oh." 1193 00:55:46,802 --> 00:55:48,011 I said, "But I would." 1194 00:55:48,095 --> 00:55:50,138 And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard." 1195 00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:53,225 And then I said, "Okay, so let's..." 1196 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,601 I really think we should. 1197 00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,353 She goes, "I'm just not into that." 1198 00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:58,230 And then I said, "You know, what? 1199 00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:00,399 I love you. 1200 00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,568 I'm gonna be with you for the rest of my life. 1201 00:56:02,651 --> 00:56:04,152 I've been with you 20 years. 1202 00:56:04,236 --> 00:56:06,864 I've never cheated on you. I never will cheat on you. 1203 00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:09,491 It's you and me against the world, baby. 1204 00:56:09,575 --> 00:56:13,036 And, uh... I really... I got nowhere else to get this anal. 1205 00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:14,705 So... 1206 00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:16,628 I was like, "You've got to fucking help me out. 1207 00:56:16,665 --> 00:56:18,292 It's a fantasy. Please?" 1208 00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:19,251 And, uh... 1209 00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,962 And she was nice. She said okay. 1210 00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,590 And so, on my birthday, she gave it up. 1211 00:56:24,673 --> 00:56:27,384 She gave it to me, and she said she liked it. 1212 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,177 She said it was fun 1213 00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:32,097 and she couldn't believe she fit her whole fist inside me... 1214 00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,224 And so... I don't know. 1215 00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:36,894 I said, "You see? New experiences." 1216 00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:40,188 She's a good girl. That's my baby. 1217 00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:42,107 That's my baby. 1218 00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,109 Oh, Sandman. 1219 00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:45,903 That's too much. 1220 00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,112 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1221 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:53,327 ♪ It's awfully cold in outer space today ♪ 1222 00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,080 ♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪ 1223 00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,499 ♪ A million miles away ♪ 1224 00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:02,586 ♪ I'm floating through the darkness ♪ 1225 00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,088 ♪ There's nothing much to see ♪ 1226 00:57:06,340 --> 00:57:09,092 ♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪ 1227 00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:11,553 ♪ Is the only one with me ♪ 1228 00:57:13,013 --> 00:57:14,389 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1229 00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:18,018 ♪ Now we're in zero gravity ♪ 1230 00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:20,437 ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ 1231 00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:23,440 ♪ The next thing you know I'm right side up ♪ 1232 00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,609 ♪ And Yuri's upside down ♪ 1233 00:57:26,652 --> 00:57:29,029 ♪ My penis accidentally goes In his mouth ♪ 1234 00:57:31,573 --> 00:57:35,118 ♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪ 1235 00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:40,874 ♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪ 1236 00:57:40,958 --> 00:57:43,752 ♪ On Station 69 ♪ 1237 00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:48,298 Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri. 1238 00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,846 Hello, people of Earth. 1239 00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:01,561 ♪ It's awfully cold In outer space tonight ♪ 1240 00:58:02,062 --> 00:58:03,188 Yes. 1241 00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,649 ♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪ 1242 00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,443 ♪ To tell them we're all right, yes ♪ 1243 00:58:08,527 --> 00:58:10,654 ♪ I check the telescopes ♪ 1244 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:15,117 ♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪ 1245 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,496 ♪ But my favorite part of space ♪ 1246 00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:24,001 ♪ Is when we suck each other's dicks ♪ 1247 00:58:24,084 --> 00:58:25,210 Absolutely. 1248 00:58:26,545 --> 00:58:28,880 ♪ We're spinning around in circles ♪ 1249 00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:31,717 ♪ And it feels very nice ♪ 1250 00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,428 ♪ When we kiss each other's penis tips ♪ 1251 00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,930 ♪ It seems like paradise ♪ 1252 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,725 - ♪ We're travelling in light speed ♪ - Yes. 1253 00:58:39,808 --> 00:58:43,770 ♪ It's an intergalactic ride ♪ 1254 00:58:46,023 --> 00:58:48,025 ♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪ 1255 00:58:48,108 --> 00:58:48,942 Remember? 1256 00:58:49,026 --> 00:58:53,488 ♪ But I fucked it till it died ♪ 1257 00:58:53,572 --> 00:58:54,573 Yes, yes. 1258 00:58:55,407 --> 00:58:58,118 ♪ Yes, we're in zero gravity ♪ 1259 00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:00,495 ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ 1260 00:59:00,996 --> 00:59:03,874 ♪ The next thing you know I'm right-side up ♪ 1261 00:59:03,957 --> 00:59:05,792 ♪ And I am upside down ♪ 1262 00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,051 ♪ He accidentally puts his penis In my mouth ♪ 1263 00:59:14,134 --> 00:59:17,763 ♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪ 1264 00:59:20,474 --> 00:59:23,935 ♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪ 1265 00:59:24,770 --> 00:59:27,189 ♪ It's just another thing That on purpose I did ♪ 1266 00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,567 ♪ It's... It's just... ♪ 1267 00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,363 ♪ It's just another afternoon ♪ 1268 00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:41,119 ♪ On Station 69 ♪ 1269 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:45,415 Go! Go back! Go back to space! 1270 00:59:45,499 --> 00:59:46,792 Get out of here! 1271 00:59:46,875 --> 00:59:48,668 Take him away! 1272 00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:57,010 What are you doing? 1273 00:59:57,094 --> 00:59:58,136 Help him. 1274 01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,440 All right, guys, gonna do this one. 1275 01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:12,901 This is a very special song. I hope you like it. 1276 01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:14,945 It means a lot to us. Here we go. 1277 01:00:43,932 --> 01:00:45,851 ♪ The first time I saw him ♪ 1278 01:00:45,934 --> 01:00:48,812 ♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪ 1279 01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,484 ♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪ 1280 01:00:54,568 --> 01:00:56,820 ♪ He wasn't even doing a bit ♪ 1281 01:00:59,573 --> 01:01:01,616 ♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room ♪ 1282 01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:04,035 ♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady ♪ 1283 01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:06,997 ♪ He was a one-man party ♪ 1284 01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:10,167 ♪ You know who I'm talking about ♪ 1285 01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:13,170 ♪ I'm talking about My friend Chris Farley ♪ 1286 01:01:19,968 --> 01:01:25,182 ♪ On Saturday night My man would always deliver ♪ 1287 01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,769 ♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪ 1288 01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:33,398 ♪ Or livin' in a van down by the river ♪ 1289 01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:40,197 ♪ He loved the bears and did the dance At Chippendale's with Swayze ♪ 1290 01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:42,449 ♪ When they replaced his coffee With Folgers ♪ 1291 01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,326 ♪ He went fucking crazy ♪ 1292 01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,036 ♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪ 1293 01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,496 ♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪ 1294 01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:52,250 ♪ Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady In Lunch Lady Land ♪ 1295 01:01:52,334 --> 01:01:54,544 ♪ You know who I'm thinking about ♪ 1296 01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:57,797 ♪ I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪ 1297 01:02:34,251 --> 01:02:36,169 I love you, Sandman! 1298 01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:21,464 ♪ After a show He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪ 1299 01:03:21,548 --> 01:03:23,800 ♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪ 1300 01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:29,014 ♪ But hungover as hell That Catholic boy ♪ 1301 01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:31,891 ♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪ 1302 01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:38,690 ♪ We'd tell him, "Slow down You'll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪ 1303 01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:40,734 ♪ He said, "Those guys are my heroes" ♪ 1304 01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:42,777 ♪ That's all fine and dandy ♪ 1305 01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,612 ♪ I ain't making that shit up ♪ 1306 01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:47,949 ♪ That's the truth About my boy Chris Farley ♪ 1307 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:55,999 ♪ I saw him in the office Crying with his headphones on ♪ 1308 01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:59,711 ♪ Listening To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪ 1309 01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:03,506 ♪ I said buddy, "How the hell Is that making you so sad?" ♪ 1310 01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:05,467 ♪ Then he laughed and said ♪ 1311 01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:07,969 ♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪ 1312 01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,149 ♪ The last big hang we had ♪ 1313 01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:23,818 ♪ Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party ♪ 1314 01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:29,574 ♪ We laughed our balls off All night long ♪ 1315 01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,659 ♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪ 1316 01:04:34,329 --> 01:04:36,247 ♪ But a few months later ♪ 1317 01:04:36,331 --> 01:04:38,583 ♪ The party came to an end ♪ 1318 01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,585 ♪ We flew out to Madison ♪ 1319 01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:42,670 ♪ To bury our friend ♪ 1320 01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:46,591 ♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪ 1321 01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:51,513 ♪ Except watching Chris' father Have his turn to cry ♪ 1322 01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:55,517 ♪ Mmm ♪ 1323 01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:04,692 ♪ Hey, buddy, life's moved on ♪ 1324 01:05:04,776 --> 01:05:07,821 ♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪ 1325 01:05:10,490 --> 01:05:13,827 ♪ Make my kids laugh With your YouTube clips ♪ 1326 01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,037 ♪ Or Tommy Boy ♪ 1327 01:05:18,498 --> 01:05:22,460 ♪ Well, when they ask me Who's the funniest guy I ever knew ♪ 1328 01:05:22,544 --> 01:05:26,506 ♪ I tell them hands down Without a doubt, it's you ♪ 1329 01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:28,383 ♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪ 1330 01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:30,718 ♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪ 1331 01:05:30,802 --> 01:05:34,431 ♪ But most of all I miss Watching you fuck with Spade ♪ 1332 01:05:34,514 --> 01:05:36,266 ♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪ 1333 01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,893 ♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪ 1334 01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,063 ♪ And we were getting on a plane To go shoot ♪ 1335 01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:45,150 ♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪ 1336 01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:49,446 ♪ Yeah, life ain't the same Without you, boy ♪ 1337 01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,991 ♪ And that's why I'm singing about ♪ 1338 01:05:53,074 --> 01:05:57,662 ♪ I'm singing about My friend Chris Farley ♪ 1339 01:05:58,288 --> 01:06:01,082 ♪ And if we make enough noise ♪ 1340 01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:03,001 ♪ Maybe he'll hear us ♪ 1341 01:06:05,462 --> 01:06:10,550 ♪ Give it up for the great ♪ 1342 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:15,054 ♪ Chris Farley ♪ 1343 01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:46,336 By far the funniest fucking guy of all time, 1344 01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:47,921 the Farls, man. 1345 01:06:48,463 --> 01:06:50,048 Yeah, baby, so thank you. 1346 01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:54,010 I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys, and I knew it would be special here. 1347 01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,011 And thank you. 1348 01:06:59,557 --> 01:07:01,226 He was the best. He was the best. 1349 01:07:01,309 --> 01:07:04,479 Okay, you guys, I'm gonna sing you this song right now. 1350 01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,397 This is the kind of a sweet song. 1351 01:07:06,481 --> 01:07:11,110 I sing it to my wife, because she lets me talk about so many things 1352 01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:13,196 in front of you people. 1353 01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:14,822 And she doesn't even get mad at me. 1354 01:07:14,906 --> 01:07:16,407 She's pretty damn cool. So here we go. 1355 01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:20,453 ♪ I met you 20 years ago ♪ 1356 01:07:20,537 --> 01:07:22,372 ♪ And we talked all night ♪ 1357 01:07:23,206 --> 01:07:24,582 ♪ You drank me under the table ♪ 1358 01:07:24,666 --> 01:07:26,793 ♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪ 1359 01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:29,170 ♪ I knew right then and there ♪ 1360 01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:32,757 ♪ I'd grow old with you ♪ 1361 01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:37,428 ♪ I said I'd tell you jokes ♪ 1362 01:07:37,512 --> 01:07:39,847 ♪ Whenever you are sad ♪ 1363 01:07:39,931 --> 01:07:43,476 ♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪ 1364 01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,062 ♪ Oh, it's been so much fun ♪ 1365 01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:50,066 ♪ Growing old with you ♪ 1366 01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:50,984 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 1367 01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,195 ♪ I love you ♪ 1368 01:07:54,279 --> 01:07:56,155 ♪ Foot rub you ♪ 1369 01:07:56,656 --> 01:08:00,243 ♪ Tell you you're the only one I'm thinking of ♪ 1370 01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,453 ♪ Make big decisions with you ♪ 1371 01:08:02,537 --> 01:08:04,539 ♪ Try new positions with you ♪ 1372 01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:10,253 ♪ Even sit and watch Fucking Eat Pray Love ♪ 1373 01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:12,922 ♪ Two times in a row ♪ 1374 01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:16,175 ♪ Now when I'm on a diet ♪ 1375 01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:18,636 ♪ You take away my potatoes ♪ 1376 01:08:19,387 --> 01:08:23,141 ♪ Say, "Fuck all those guys" After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪ 1377 01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:26,060 ♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪ 1378 01:08:26,561 --> 01:08:29,772 ♪ As I grow old with you ♪ 1379 01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:33,693 ♪ You scold me ♪ 1380 01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,737 ♪ You hold me ♪ 1381 01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:40,199 ♪ Look the other way When I dress like a pimp ♪ 1382 01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:41,909 ♪ You cry to me ♪ 1383 01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,203 ♪ You lie to me ♪ 1384 01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:46,289 ♪ But only when you tell me ♪ 1385 01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,915 ♪ That the dick looks big ♪ 1386 01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,338 ♪ Now, we don't need a big house ♪ 1387 01:08:53,421 --> 01:08:55,381 ♪ We don't need any money ♪ 1388 01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:57,925 ♪ All we need is you and me ♪ 1389 01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,011 ♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪ 1390 01:09:00,094 --> 01:09:01,929 ♪ I got everything I want ♪ 1391 01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:05,892 ♪ Growing old with you ♪ 1392 01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:08,561 And this goes for all of you guys here tonight. 1393 01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,605 Yeah! 1394 01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:14,817 ♪ Thanks for growing old with... ♪ 1395 01:09:40,802 --> 01:09:44,222 ♪ Me ♪ 1396 01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,683 All right, you all, thank you so much. 1397 01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:48,601 Respect! 1398 01:09:49,769 --> 01:09:51,562 Rock and roll. I love you too. 1399 01:09:51,646 --> 01:09:53,106 Let's do it again sometime. 1400 01:09:53,773 --> 01:09:55,525 Thank you. Thank you. 1401 01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,570 Well, folks, I've been given the light and I must go. But thank you very much. 1402 01:09:59,654 --> 01:10:01,030 Enjoy the rest of the show. 1403 01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:55,918 ♪ Ears ♪ 1404 01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:25,239 ♪ Ears ♪ 1405 01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:28,261 ♪ Ears ♪ 1406 01:12:42,191 --> 01:12:43,359 ♪ Ears ♪ 1407 01:13:01,669 --> 01:13:04,273 - I got... Go ahead. - Why did the chicken cross the road? 1408 01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:06,257 Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? 1409 01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:10,386 Because he wanted to get some diarrhea to eat for breakfast. 1410 01:13:10,469 --> 01:13:12,972 Okay, your turn. 1411 01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:15,808 Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know. Don't forget, I'm Sadie. 1412 01:13:15,892 --> 01:13:17,935 Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny. 1413 01:13:18,019 --> 01:13:21,898 Why did the M&M walk away from me? 1414 01:13:21,981 --> 01:13:22,981 Why? 1415 01:13:23,024 --> 01:13:26,986 Because it wanted to go pee on my dress. 1416 01:13:36,871 --> 01:13:38,581 Terrific. 115483