All language subtitles for The_Resident_S05E16.eng

-Previously on The Resident...
-I think we should

dig into Dr. Bosley's
patient outcomes and...

give Ms. Benesch a fair hearing.

Let's just simmer down.

Just watch

and learn how we operate.

I-I think I'm getting a pretty
good sense of how you operate.

Are you looking
for a financial settlement?

No. I'm looking
for accountability.

I did not have to end up
like this.

I don't want future patients
of Dr. Bosley to, either.

I want the board
to do something.

-Will they?
-Honestly, probably not.

But I will do something.

(grunting)

So what's happening
in the world?

-I'm not reading the news.
-(grunting)

I'm watching a video
of a bulldog

failing to eat its kibble.

Okay.

Slow news day.

What's going on with your leg?

Oh, I guess it slept in.

(groans)

Could be an MS flare-up.

I'll email Dr. Greer,
see if she can fit you in today.

Yeah, well, early is better.

I have a 10:00 with Abernathy,

the head of the medical board,

'cause I found more complaints
against Bosley,

the neurosurgeon
who paralyzed Emily Benesch.

Do you think you have enough
to convince the board

to look into Bosley now?

I'm not gonna give 'em
any choice.

You know,
this whole moral crusader thing

looks good on you.

It's very...

super hero-y.

You should see me in spandex.

-Well, that's ruined it.
(chuckles)
-(chuckles)

(indistinct chatter)

Can I help you?

You look familiar,
but I can't place you.

Are you gonna harass me
every time I have an ER shift?

-Yes.
-You know, please look
into your abandonment issues.

You know my father left me
at Yankee Stadium and got home

with my brother before
he realized I was missing.

I'm sorry I triggered you,
Irving.

You don't care. Where's Leela?

Sister day with Padma.

Bonding over the gifting
of eggs.

Level-1 trauma coming in!

Bay 11's ready.

Eliza Brockton.
32-year-old female.

Status post-fall from her
sixth-floor apartment building.

BP 120/68, tachy to 100,

satting at 98%.

Trauma survey.

Pupils equal and reactive.

DEVON:
Airway's intact.

-Good breath sounds bilaterally.
-HUNDLEY: Pulse strong.

Vitals stable. I'll get labs.

I'll do a FAST exam
and put in for a chest X-ray.

Eliza,

how did you fall
from your apartment building?

I-I was, um...

I was hanging
a-an orchid on my balcony,

and I-I reached too far over the
railing and I just... (sighs)

lost my balance.

Thank God the entry awning
broke my fall.

Well, we're gonna get
that chest X-ray

and CT scan
to check for head trauma.

We'll be back, okay?

-Uh, okay.
-All right, hang tight.

You want to get her records
and I'll arrange the CT?

Yeah.

(typing)

What is it?

Eliza's attempted suicide
three times

in the past six years.

Let's get a psych consult
down here.

(dialing)

Eliza.

Hundley.

My patient eloped from 11.

Call the code.

Excuse me.

HUNDLEY:
Attention, staff. Code Green.

32-year-old Caucasian female.

Dark hair, blue eyes.
Code Green.

Eliza!

♪

Eliza!

Wait!

♪

Eliza!

(horn honks)

♪

You all right?

I'm fine.

Eliza's stable.

Scans were negative.
BP was borderline,

so we placed an A-line.

And Psych is en route.

That was a very brave thing
you did, Dr. Pravesh.

(chuckles)

I'm just glad
we got to her in time.

Mm-hmm.

We're good.

So...

I guess the truth is out.

I don't want this anymore.

And I wish you would just mind
your own business and let me go.

-You know we can't do that.
-(sighs)

This is Dr. Malco.

She's from
the psychiatry department.

Hi, Eliza.

I'm guessing
you know the drill here.

I'm gonna ask you
a few questions.

You have my file.

So you could just read
my old answers.

My new answers are all the same.

I'm out of words.

I imagine that must be
very difficult for a writer.

To be out of words.

I'm out of everything.

I want you to know,

both of your books have informed
the way I treat depression.

I'd like to return the favor.

Do you have a gun?

We're gonna keep you
on a 36-hour hold.

Dear merciful Father,

we ask for Your blessings
on Daisy.

She needs You.

We're asking that You grant her
the patience to...

help her with her affliction

and the freedom from her pain.

And lead her out
the shadow of the valley

so that we can heal her body
and spirit.

(chuckles softly)

Now let's go get you
a damn kidney, huh? (chuckles)

(chuckling)

-Amen.
-Amen.

-Ah... (grunts)
-(laughs)

Aaron, it is good to see you.

Yeah, it's been a minute.

You know we've had our
own conversations about pain.

Mm.

How are you and Gigi holding up?

Yeah, really well.

Gigi's definitely
my greatest achievement so far.

You got that right.

Yeah.

Speaking
of our past conversations,

the last few days, I've...

been...
(exhales)

back in the fresh grief
of Nic's passing,

I-I guess. I don't...

Uh, I don't know
what set it off.

Ah, well, if it isn't Pastor
Aaron, my favorite clergyman.

AJ, my big bad Buddhist, you.

-Hey.
-How are you?

How's your mother?

She is as well as she can be.

The cancer is progressing.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I-I'll definitely have
to go see her.

Well, you see, her palliative
care is top-tier, right?

But she's gonna need
to transition

to hospice sooner
rather than later,

and she is not keen on the idea.

So I was thinking
maybe you can help me

have that conversation with her
when it's time.

I'll be happy to.

Appreciate it, man.

I have a favor of my own
to ask you two.

Yeah. Anything.

Recently, I had a heart stent
placed a few months back.

A fit young dude like you?

They found some blockage.
Now, the doctor told me

that I should be feeling better,

but I've been having
a lot of chest pain lately.

Ah, say no more. AJ and I will
take a look at you in the ER.

Better safe than sorry.

AUSTIN:
Let's go now.

Head scans are good.

-Nothing to worry about.
-Great.

But the leg issue is
a little MS flare-up.

No biggie. This will happen
from time to time.

Well, I'm glad we checked, then.

We'll put you on a short course
of steroids

that should improve
your symptoms.

In the meantime,
take the pressure

-off your leg with this.
-BELL: Oh.

(chuckles) No. That is...
uh, won't be necessary.

GREER:
It's only for a few days.

The last thing we want
is for you to stumble

-and hit your head.
-Randolph,

-take the cane.
-BELL: No, it's...

(stammers) It starts
with a cane, and then it goes

to adult diapers and a chairlift
to get up the stairs.

It's a concession to the
disease, and I won't make it.

Good Lord, Randolph.
Typical man.

You can dress it as bravery,
but it's just vanity.

Okay. Uh,
I'd love to stick around

and talk about canes and men,

but... I have
an important meeting to get to.

So, Meghan, thank you.

(sighs)

I remember

being at a birthday party when
I was four or five years old.

And...

the birthday girl
shrieked with joy

when she unwrapped a doll
from her parents.

For the first time,
I became distinctly aware

that it was something
that I had never... felt.

Is there anything
in your daily life

that brings relief
from the pain and dread?

Periodically, when I'm writing.

Are there any moments
in your past where you...

can recall feeling happy?

This morning.

When I felt the wind on my face

as I fell to what
should have been my death.

My reservoir of hope...

is empty.

(exhales)

Eliza has what we call
treatment-resistant depression.

Cognitive behavioral therapy,
antidepressants,

and ECT have all
been ineffective.

So, what do we do?

We just keep her here

for 34 hours and then just

-let her walk out?
-We don't have a lot of options.

Sad to say, I have no beds free
on the unit.

Don't patients with

treatment-resistant depression

qualify for off-label
deep brain stimulation?

I've read

some clinical trials on it,

and I know Dr. Sutton
has used it on patients

with Parkinson's and even OCD.

They do,

but there's no guarantee
it works.

Well, in one trial,

50% of patients saw some relief
from their symptoms.

Do you think Eliza
would consider the procedure?

All Eliza wants is to exit life.

It'll be challenging

to get her to agree
to any treatment,

much less one that requires
holes drilled in her skull

and electrodes placed
in her brain.

Well, if we do nothing, there
is no doubt that she will try

-to kill herself again.
-No doubt.

I'll talk to Dr. Sutton.

See if she can discuss
the procedure with Eliza.

Dr. Sullivan didn't come in?

She took the day off.

We got Pravesh back instead.

Who?

(chuckles)

Good thing we looked into
your chest pain. You have EKG

changes and labs consistent
with an NSTEMI.

It's a minor heart attack.

AARON:
What? A minor heart attack?

-How is that possible?
-AUSTIN: Take it easy, Aaron.

All right, we're on it.
We got you.

Taking good care
of yourself, right?

-Yes.
-AUSTIN: All right, well,

explain to us how you ended up
with a cardiac stent.

Well, this cardiac clinic came
to the church leaving flyers.

They were offering
heart screenings

with no out-of-pocket
with Medicaid.

And, uh, now, my congregation

relies on outreach, so

I wanted to set an example
to the flock, so I went.

And what did the screening
turn up?

Cardiologist said that my...

my labs and my tests were...

"borderline" was the word,

and that I needed a cath ASAP.

Were you feeling any chest pain?

No. No.

He said that the cath
was very important

to screen for heart disease.
Silent killer.

Okay, but why did
they stent you?

Well, during the procedure,

my heart was beating
out of my chest.

And the pain,

I mean, it's very severe, but

once they put in the stent,
I had relief.

You know, I'm a little
achy and tired

here and there,
but for the most part,

-I'm-I'm thankful.
-(phone ringing)

Chest pain usually comes
before cardiac

catheterization, not after.

Excuse me, I need to take this.

I hate to do this
to you, brother,

but we need to get you
in our cath lab right away.

And I promise you, you won't
feel any pain with these hands.

All right?

We got you, man.

Hey, Billie.

-You got a sec?
-What's up?

So, I have a young woman
in the ER,

she's banged up pretty bad

from two failed
suicide attempts today.

Yeah, I heard Superman
flew in and saved her.

Her name is Eliza Brockton.
She's very smart, wily.

She's a memoirist
who wrote two best sellers

about depression.

Sure, yeah, I read
the first one,

The Lure of the Void.

Right.

So, I think she's
a good candidate for DBS.

Well, DBS is still experimental
for depression.

Does she meet
the inclusion criteria?

Yes.

No improvement
from CBT, SSRIs, or ECT.

-(phone buzzes)
-Okay.

-I'll talk to her.
-Thanks.

It's Trevor. I've been trying
to reach him for weeks.

Take it. No, take it, and
let him know that we miss him.

Trevor, I'm so glad
you finally called.

-Are you okay?
-Uh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry it took so long
to get back to you. Just...

-dealing with a lot of stuff.
-Of course.

I can only imagine
a horrible revelation like...

Yeah. We don't have to, um...

Look, there's some...
there's some stuff

I want to tell you in person.

Okay. Sure.

Just know, I've been
worried about you.

All of us here have.

And I'm not sure
if you're aware of this,

but you're in danger
of losing your residency.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, look, can we meet up
tomorrow? I'll fill you in.

Yeah, sure. That works.

Cool. Thanks, Billie.

(phone beeps)

Phones in your locker
while you're at the warehouse.

Yeah, yeah, sorry. My bad.

-You know that.
-Yeah.

What's with the limp?
You okay, Randolph?

Oh, I'm-I'm doing great.
Thanks for your concern.

I want to talk to you
about Bosley.

I don't get it.

What is your beef
with Dr. Bosley?

-Is this personal?
-I've never met the man.

I told you last week,
Dr. Elkins was looking

-into the Emily Benesch case.
-Well, you know...

She didn't.

These are five more complaints
against Bosley

for catastrophic outcomes
that the board

didn't look into either.

(sighs)

Look...

I-I'm just not familiar with

the details
of these old complaints

off the top of my head,

but I can tell you that,
if we made the decision

not to investigate,

we had good reasons.

See, I can't imagine what those

could possibly be.

Randolph, you're a good man,
and I like you.

You can be a very valuable
member of the medical board.

That's what I'm trying to be.

Well, typically,

new members tend to stay
on the sidelines

for a period
to see how things work

before going full Norma Rae,

you know what I mean?

I'll see you at the
board meeting this afternoon.

All right, Aaron,
I found the stent,

and I also found the cause

of your heart attack.

Unfortunately,
they're one and the same.

Uh, what does that mean?

The stent your doctors placed
is actually blocking

one of the other arteries
in your heart.

That's why you were
feeling so much pain.

AJ, the rest of his vessels
are pristine.

Cholesterol's low,
no family history...

CONRAD:
And it looks like the stent
was placed in the location

of a coronary artery dissection.
Are we thinking the same thing?

AUSTIN:
Yeah. It sickens me

to say this,

but you never should have had
a cath in the first place.

Worse, the cardiologist
tore blood vessels

when he put it in, which is why
the procedure was so painful.

I should prepare
to see my maker.

No need to pack your bags.

You will get to your next
great achievement.

Aaron,

what was the name
of your cardiologist?

(knock on door)

Eliza,

this is Dr. Billie Sutton,

and she is a neurosurgeon,

and I've asked her to come here
and talk to you.

Hi, Eliza.

I've seen that expression

on your face too many times.

You have a plan to fix me,

but I am unfixable.

I don't want to go
through this again.

I-I get that.

And, truth be told,
my plan might not work.

DEVON:
The success rate
of deep brain stimulation

for depression is about 50%.

That is a broad definition
of success,

from modest improvement
to complete absence

of symptoms.

Deep brain stimulation?

A small conductor, an electrode,

is permanently placed in a
specific region of the brain.

The conductor carries a
low-level impulse from a battery

to the area of the brain
that regulates mood.

What could possibly go wrong?

In very rare circumstances,
a hemorrhage can occur.

Wh-Which would conceivably
turn me into a can of peas.

Well, like I said,
that outcome is very rare,

and I'm very good at this.

And here's the part
you might like...

Can't imagine
what that would be.

Well, first we have
to scan your brain.

Then, I give you a tour
of the organ

that's not only the source
of your literary success,

but the thing
that wants you dead.

I'll pull some strings
to get you out

-of the ER while you wait.
-ELIZA: Mm.

We'll be back.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Aaron is stable,

but I can't undo the injury
his heart has sustained.

Once a blood vessel's been torn,
it can tear again.

And an acute clot could form,

cause him more heart attacks.

His cardiac function
has decreased

to only a third
of what it should be.

-In time, it could improve.
-It's all wrong,

and the worst part is,

the procedure
was entirely unnecessary.

Look, I got a quick errand
I got to run.

I'll be back as fast as I can.

I'll hold the pastor in the ER,
keep an eye on him.

-Yeah, man.
-I'll update you.

This is the cerebrum...

(machine beeps)

...where consciousness,
emotion, perception,

and memory are all integrated.

Like any other part of the body,

pathways of connections
can be too strong or too weak,

and when they are weak, we try

to augment them
with medications,

you know, SSRIs, ECT...

-But those didn't work.
-Which is why we get

to try something more intense.

We would place electrodes

here and here.

Like a pacemaker for the brain

instead of the heart.

The electrodes stimulate
Brodmann area 25,

which is like the interstate
highway of nerve connections,

or white matter,

and it's sitting right on top

of a huge serotonin depot.

It's like drilling
for a well of happiness.

If you like that image.

Reminds me of those
flimsy claws at arcades

that kids dump their money into
and try to grab a prize,

but they never get one.

Well, DBS has much higher odds
of success than those claws.

Define success.

We banish the hell in your head

but keep the heavenly talent.

I won't wake up

and be someone else,

will I?

Everyone facing DBS
asks that question.

Surely not everybody.

Look, they say
in Alcoholics Anonymous,

if you sober up a horse thief,

all you have is
a sober horse thief.

You will remain you,

but a happy you.

You're describing a stranger.

AUSTIN:
You know, I really
appreciate you

making time for me
on such short notice,

Dr. Pellington.

Well, I'm glad we could
make it work, Mr. Austin.

Now, as you know, we took
a picture of your heart

a few minutes ago,
I sure am glad we did.

It revealed some extra beats.

Now, we have
a fancy term for that.

It's called premature
ventricular contractions,

but the important thing is,

it may have shown a blockage

in your arteries
that feed blood to your heart,

and that's the first step
to a heart attack.

Whoa, a heart attack.

(sighs) C-Can I take
a look at that?

-Oh, sure, sure.
-Thanks.

You are one lucky man

because we can do
a cardiac cath.

That's a procedure

where we can get a better view
of those arteries,

and if there is blockages,

which I suspect there will be,

we can open 'em right up.
Any questions?

Yeah, just one.

Did you go into medicine
intending to become a fraud?

Excuse me?

I'm a cardiothoracic surgeon

at Chastain Park Memorial,

and you and I both know that

my EKG is normal.

There is no medical reason
to take me to cath,

just like there wasn't
for Pastor Aaron either.

I could point to hundreds...

Pastor Aaron is in our ICU

right now as a result
of the botched stent

you put in when you dissected

his LAD during
an unnecessary cath.

So, not only are you greedy,

you are incompetent at best.

I don't know what the hell
you think you're getting at,

but everything I did is legal.

Legal? Really?

You know, that's a pretty
low bar for a doctor.

I'll tell you what,

Pellington,

if my friend takes a turn
for the worse,

you will find yourself
on the losing end of a lawsuit

with me as the expert witness.

Aaron.

How you doing?

I was just working
on next week's sermon.

You know, today's been
all about me,

and earlier you mentioned
about being pulled back in

the pain of your wife's death,
before we got interrupted.

And it will continue
to be all about you.

Numbers look good.
Any chest pain?

Ah, nothing significant.

You and I are in
the "you" business.

-You let me do my job.
-(chuckling)

This resurgence of grief,

have you had any big recent
changes in your life?

Crazy work stuff the past week.

(exhales) Have you been

stepping out with any women
since Nic's death?

Eh... one. Nothing serious.
Potentially others.

-They all come
with complications.
-Yeah.

Yeah, and I'm sure that you had
those complications with Nic.

Yeah, but the baggage
was mostly mine.

(laughs)

You know, my experience with

counseling widowers is that
guilt and loyalty

can toss you back
into the original grief.

Maybe.

Hey.

If it's this woman,

or if it's that woman,
you deserve

your next
great romantic achievement.

(heart monitor beeping rapidly)

Patient's in V tach!
I need a crash cart!

(groans)

He's pulseless. Now in V fib.

We need to shock.
Get the pads on.

(grunts)

Charging. And clear.

Now.

Still in V fib.

Get me a bolus of amio
and shock again.

(Conrad grunts)

Charging.

Clear. And shock.

(Aaron gasps)

-He has a pulse.
-HUNDLEY: Sinus rhythm.

But if this happens again,
he is not...

When it happens again,
he won't survive it.

Let's get him to the ICU.
I'll page AJ.

-Hey, what's going on?
-I got him out of V fib, but...

Hey. Right here,
I got you, brother.

His left ventricle
is barely contracting.

Down to about 15%.
He couldn't tolerate

the refractory arrhythmia.

We can't fix
his coronary arteries

with more stents.
They're too damaged.

I'm gonna have to take a vessel
from his chest and go around it.

From an unnecessary cath
to open-heart surgery.

(monitor beeps)

(sighs)

His systolic's
dropping to the 60s.

I need more pressure than that

-to do surgery.
-I'm maxed out on pressors.

We're gonna have to
put him on ECMO.

Wh-What's going on, fellas?

AJ needs to perform
bypass surgery,

so we're gonna
put you on a machine

that will take over
for your heart,

so your heart can survive
the procedure, okay?

If God wants me
at His table right now,

I have faith in Him.

Have faith in me.

I'm gonna do my best to make you
late for that dinner.

You hear me?

I am glad to see that you
agreed to the DBS.

Of course, you'll be
under psychiatric care

for some time
after the surgery, but...

have you thought about

what kind of support
you're gonna need

when you get back
into your life?

Well, if this works,

I'll be happy, right? So...

I won't need anything.

I started reading
your first book.

Hmm. Enjoy it while you can.

And that description
of the conversation that you had

with your therapist after
your first suicide attempt...

About falling in love with

my depression.

DEVON:
Yeah.

It's hard to conceive of that.

Well, for most people, it's...

impossible, which is...

why this is all so futile.

(monitor beeping)

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just, I'm just tired.

This is so weird.

-Eliza?
-Hmm? Yeah.

Hey.

My God, she pulled out
her A-line!

I need another set
of hands in here!

Eliza, I'm not letting you go.

Please...

give us a chance.

Okay, so, remember, stay calm,
avoid an accusatory tone.

But just share your truth.

Yeah. Okay.

I'm nervous, but I can do that.

I wouldn't put you
in front of these people

if I didn't think
you could reach them.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Here we go.

I'm gonna move that chair.

Just the top of the table.

Okay.

ELKINS:
Uh...

Who is this woman, Dr. Bell?

You didn't mention that you were
bringing a guest this morning.

BELL:
This is Emily Benesch.

She's gonna tell us her story,

and we are going to listen.

EMILY:
The last time I walked
on my own two feet,

it was into
Dr. Bosley's practice.

The man I was engaged to marry

left me
after I was paralyzed.

(exhales)

I can't... (sighs)
turn over in bed,

reach a book on the shelf,

get out of my house, into a car,

through a store
without pain and struggle.

And why?

Because no one stopped a man

who should never have been
operating to begin with.

You sit in here and review
his explanations.

Accidents happen,

but again and again?

Who else will end up like me?

Would you send your wife to him?

Your son?

Your father?

Then why a stranger?

I know that a very high
percentage of doctors

are-are competent

and good people.

And the few who ruin

people's lives,

they're-- are repeat offenders.

Like Dr. Bosley.

If a hundred good doctors
do nothing

about one bad one,

then we've got 101 bad doctors.

You owe it to yourselves.

You owe it to me.

Thank you, Emily.

We'll pass this up to
the complaint division and...

discuss the status
of the investigation

on a weekly basis.

Thank you.

The ECMO's giving his heart
some relief,

but this is as strong
as he's gonna get.

If I don't operate now,
there might not be

-any heart muscle left to save.
-Yeah, it's time.

Let's hope he's strong enough
to survive.

All right, the first graft
is complete.

This LAD is gonna be
a little tougher.

4.0 Prolene to me.

Suturing over the dissection.

CHU:
You're using both internal

mammary arteries for grafts.

Is there a risk
of recurring heart disease?

Oh, good question, Chu.

Not in a man who doesn't
actually have heart disease.

Both anastomoses complete.

Removing the clamp.

CHU:
Let me know when you're ready.

I am in position.

Let's hit the reset button

on the good pastor's
new and improved heart.

-Starting with five joules.
-(whirring)

-CHU: Going up to ten.
-(beeping)

(whirring)

(Austin sighs)

Take it to 20.

(beeping)

(whirring)

Come on.

(sighs)

BILLIE:
I'm placing the electrode.

Now, there are no pain receptors
in the brain,

so this won't hurt.

That's ironic.

BILLIE:
Advancing the electrode.

60 millimeters.

78 millimeters.

We're at the target region.

Dr. Malco?

Pass it over to me.

For what it's worth,
I feel no different.

I...

maybe feel worse, even.

Perhaps because now

my head is screwed
into a metal frame.

We haven't turned it on
yet, Eliza.

-That's what I'm about to do.
-ELIZA: Oh.

-(machine beeps)
-Two volts.

Eliza, rate your mood
on a scale of zero to ten.

Unchanged.

Zero.

Adjusting to four volts.

And now?

Nothing.

-(machine beeps)
-Six volts.

Eliza, how about now?

Eliza, are you okay?

I'm...

-I'm...
-MALCO: Eliza, if we

-went too far we can
turn it back down.
-ELIZA: No.

No. Don't-don't-don't
turn it back down.

Don't-don't...

Don't do anything.

Tell us how you feel, Eliza.

ELIZA:
I feel calm?

Everything...

everything seems... brighter.

(chuckles)

Is...?

Could this be... (chuckles)

Could this be happiness?

(chuckles)

Well, against all odds,
Aaron's alive

with plenty more sermons
to give.

Yeah, well,
it's a flawed victory.

His heart
is permanently damaged,

and he'll spend the rest
of his life exhausted.

All because of unnecessary tests
and useless procedures

that were detrimental
to his health.

You know, I talked to Bell, now
that he's on the medical board.

Ah, let me guess.
The system is so broken,

Pellington won't face
any ramifications.

Bingo.

There's literally
nothing we can do.

Maybe not, but there
is always karma.

So we'd like to think.

♪ Like the beating
of life in my veins ♪

♪ I know there's gonna be ♪

♪ Some brighter days ♪

♪ I know there's ♪

♪ Gonna be some brighter days ♪

♪ I swear that love will find ♪

♪ You in your pain ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I feel it in me like ♪

♪ The beating of life
in my veins ♪

♪ I know there's gonna be ♪

♪ Some brighter days ♪

♪ I know there's gonna be... ♪

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah, Nic has just...

Nic has just been on my mind.

And...

and what we do,

just...

watching people slide
to the very edge

while we fight to save them.

Yeah.

Yeah, like
we're surrounded by loss.

Past, present, the future.

Ours, other people's.

Look, man, I'm preparing

for my mother's passing.

And when she does, I...

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I know I'll never know
another like her.

No.

There are some holes
you just can't fill.

Yeah.

♪ I know there's gonna be
some brighter ♪

♪ Days. ♪

(knock on door)

(exhales)

Go ahead, ask.

How are you feeling?

(laughs):
Good.

Weird. Um, hopeful.

Scared. Bionic.

I feel like I'm at one
of those all-you-can-eat

buffet restaurants,
only it's for emotions.

(chuckles)

Sounds dizzying,

but an improvement.

Dr. Malco has a few options for
psychiatric treatment centers,

and they all accept
your insurance,

and they're gonna
take you right away.

BILLIE:
You'll come back
and see me in two weeks,

and I'll adjust your stim level
if necessary.

Okay.

Uh, thank you...

...for not letting me go.

Of course.

Days like this,
I love being a doctor.

-Best job in the world.
-(chuckles)

Bell.

Bell, Bell, Bell.

You know, I thought
I had the deepest,

highest-octane reservoir

of ego, but, brother,
your vanity makes mine blush.

CONRAD:
Randolph, you are my friend,

but it's a good thing
you don't have cancer

because you are not
a good enough friend

for me to shave off this.
I mean, this is like a silken

-masterpiece up here.
-AUSTIN: That it is, it is.
-KIT: Ooh.

So...

What do you say?

Okay, I will take this...

walking stick,

but not because
I'm old or infirm,

but because it's really cool.

(laughter)

-Thanks, guys.
-You got it.

Well, you look good.

You okay?

I am.

I'm good.

(Trevor sighs)

So, what's going on?

Okay, first...

I'm not sure
I want to be a doctor.

I went into it
for the wrong reasons.

Why did you go into it?

I wanted to be the person
I thought you'd love enough

to wish you'd kept me.

Now I realize you were a child.

That's why you couldn't keep me.

I know we both suffered.

Right now
it feels like being a doctor

won't give me what it gives you.

The good news is, being an M.D.

opens up a lot of opportunities.

Yeah. I...

got a job in
research and development

at a biotech start-up.

Drug chemistry, my sweet spot.

But I'm gonna do it,
you know, by the rules.

-(both chuckle)
-Try to make a difference.

I don't know.
We'll see what happens.

I'm happy for you, Trevor.

And I'm very proud.

Yeah, since Porter,

since giving you away, I...

It had been inconceivable to me

that I could ever feel maternal
towards anyone.

I never wanted kids.

But you forced me to meet you,

and what had been inconceivable
happened.

Something opened up in me.
No, these last couple

of weeks, when I didn't know
where you were,

what you were doing...

I was beside myself with worry.

Which I suspect means
I was feeling a little bit

like a real mother.

You are my son.

Nothing can ever change that.

And I love you.

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