All language subtitles for The Mooo

♪ MONEY GROWS ON TREES ♪

♪ THE DESERTS
START TO FREEZE ♪

♪ CATS CONVERSE
IN PERFECT PEKINGESE ♪

♪ AND SOMETIMES
A DREAM LIKE YOU COMES TRUE ♪

♪ NOW AND THEN
WHEN THE MOON IS BLUE ♪

♪ I'M IN YOUR SPELL ♪

♪ AND FOLKS ARE TALKING ♪

♪ THEY MIGHT AS WELL ♪

♪ CAN'T BE DENIED ♪

♪ HOW CAN I HIDE THE FACT
THAT I GO WALKING ♪

♪ WITH BOTH MY FEET
10 FEET ABOVE THE SIDEWALK? ♪

♪ NOW I THINK I SEE ♪

♪ A TAXI UP A TREE ♪

♪ A LAMPPOST ♪

♪ AND A SPANIEL
DRINKING TEA ♪

♪ OH, TELL ME ♪

♪ THAT YOU CAN SEE IT, TOO ♪

♪ A MONTH OF SUNDAYS
COMING UP IN JUNE ♪

♪ BECAUSE THE MOON IS BLUE ♪

UH, 6 DOZEN OF THESE
AND 2, UH, PUMICE STONES.

HEY.

FOLLOW THAT CAR.

WHY WERE YOU
IN SUCH A TEARING HURRY?

WHAT?

WELL, I FOLLOWED YOU
INTO THE TICKET OFFICE,

AND - BINGO - YOU VANISHED
INTO THIN AIR.

I'M SORRY.
I'M WASN'T SURE WHETHER -

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
SAY SOMETHING? I DID.

I YELLED, "HEY!"

BUT YOU WERE ALREADY OFF
IN A CLOUD OF DUST.

NO, I DON'T MEAN THEN.

I MEAN IN THE DRUGSTORE,
WHEN -

WHY WERE YOU BUYING
PUMICE STONE?

BECAUSE I GET INK
ON MY HANDS

AND PUMICE STONE
TAKES IT OFF.

OH.

AND ALL THOSE RUBBER BANDS -
WHAT DO YOU NEED THEM FOR?

I USE THOSE
IN MY BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
WATCHING ME THAT CLOSELY.

YOU GOT RAZOR BLADES,
TOO.

I SHAVE.

YOU DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING,
I NOTICED.

I WAS FLIRTING WITH A DIVINE
NEW SHADE OF LIPSTICK.

IT WAS $1.50,
AND I DECIDED TO BE SENSIBLE.

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,
TOO.

IT WAS CALLED -
PASTEL PINK.

A RATHER UNINSPIRED NAME,
IF YOU ASK ME.

FOR ME?

I RARELY USE LIPSTICK.

WELL, HOW PERFECTLY SWEET
OF YOU.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WATCHING ME
IN THE DRUGSTORE.

OH, I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU
FOR QUITE A WHILE.

NOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU SMILE AT ME
LIKE THAT

IN FRONT
OF THE JEWELRY SHOP?

I DON'T SMILE AT MEN
IN FRONT OF JEWELRY SHOPS.

WELL,
THE TICKET OFFICE, THEN -

IT WOULDN'T HAVE HURT YOU
TO SMILE THERE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SCOWL
IN THAT FORBIDDING WAY.

I WAS REALLY TRYING
TO LOOK SULTRY AND PROVOCATIVE.

AND YOU JUST BEAT ME TO
THE ELEVATORS. I KNOW.

I GOT RIGHT IN BECAUSE I WAS
CERTAIN YOU WERE RIGHT BEHIND...

GOSH.
ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?

NOT PARTICULARLY.

FOG'S COMING IN.
CAN'T SEE MUCH TODAY.

YOU CAN SEE
WELFARE ISLAND.

YOU'RE CRAZY.
CAN'T SEE A THING.

I CAN.

YOU CAN HARDLY SEE
THE CHRYSLER BUILDING.

I CAN.

YOU'RE NUTS.

WELL, I CAN IMAGINE IT,
ANYWAY.

YOU REMEMBER
THE SIGN DOWNSTAIRS

THAT SAID
"VISIBILITY LIMITED"?

LOOK.
THERE ISN'T A SOUL UP HERE.

I DON'T CARE.
I'M GLAD I CAME.

JUST THINK, WE'RE
OVER 1,000 FEET UP -

THE TALLEST BUILDING
IN THE WORLD.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

OF COURSE, IT WAS A WICKED
EXTRAVAGANCE, BUT I DON'T CARE.

IT'S WORTH EVERY SINGLE PENNY
OF IT.

OH, UH, BY THE WAY,

HERE'S YOUR, UH, $1.20.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, DESPITE YOUR SULTRY
AND PROVOCATIVE SCOWL,

I PAID FOR TWO TICKETS,
AND WHEN THE WOMAN SAID

THAT YOU'D ALREADY PAID
FOR YOURS,

I TOLD HER WE'D HAD
A LITTLE LOVER'S SPAT,

SO SHE NATURALLY GAVE ME
YOUR MONEY BACK.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE TREATING ME
TO THIS?

UH-HUH.

WELL, HOW PERFECTLY SWEET
OF YOU.

THANKS A LOT.

NOW I CAN REALLY ENJOY IT.

AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
MY NAME.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MINE'S PATTY -
PATTY O'NEILL.

DON GRESHAM.

DON?

YES. THAT SUITS YOU.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DON.

PATTY,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

I DON'T USUALLY DO THINGS LIKE
THIS, AND I HAVE A HUNCH -

I WONDER HOW
THIS GADGET WORKS.

FOR A DIME,
YOU CAN FIND OUT.

THANKS.
YOU ARE NICE.

OH, BEFORE, WHEN YOU CAME OUT,
I WAS ONLY PRETENDING.

I GATHERED THAT.

OH, BOY.
THIS IS TERRIFIC.

NOW YOU CAN SEE FOR MILES.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE A LOOK?

OH,
I'VE BEEN UP HERE BEFORE.

MY OFFICE
IS IN THIS BUILDING.

ARE YOU DRUMMING LIKE THAT
BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED OR NERVOUS?

OR DO YOU WANT TO HOLD MY HAND?
YOU CAN IF YOU WANT TO.

YOU'RE A SCREWBALL.
NO FOOLING.

AND YOU HAVE
VERY SWEET HANDS.

WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT?

I WANT TO CRY.

WHAT FOR?

ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

WHAT PEOPLE?

IN BROOKLYN.

BROOKLYN'S OVER THERE.

I DON'T CARE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I STILL WANT TO CRY.
WHY?

'CAUSE IT'S SO SAD.

WHAT,
LIVING IN BROOKLYN?

NOW, PLEASE DON'T BE FUNNY.
I WAS BORN IN BROOKLYN.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY.
I SWEAR.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THOSE POOR,
DRAB LITTLE PEOPLE,

SWEATING THEIR LIVES OUT
EVERY DAY.

NOW, NOBODY'S SWEATING ON A DAY
LIKE THIS, SO DON'T WORRY.

OH, DON'T BE
SO DARN PRACTICAL.

LOOK, PATTY, IT'S GETTING
ALL FOGGED IN UP HERE.

LET'S GO DOWN, SHALL WE?

NO, I LIKE IT UP HERE.

WELL,
AREN'T YOU GETTING COLD?

ONLY MY HANDS, BUT THEY ALWAYS
GET COLD WHEN I GET EXCITED.

OH?
WHAT ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT?

COMING UP HERE.
I'VE WANTED TO FOR YEARS.

WELL, THEN,
WHY DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, FRANKLY,
BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

YOU CAN GET A LOVELY PAIR
OF NYLONS FOR $1.20.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DECIDED
TO SPLURGE TONIGHT.

YOU'RE TERRIBLY SWEET.

IT'LL NEVER STAY ON
THAT WAY.

DON'T BE SILLY.
IT'S AS GOOD AS NEW.

OKAY, SO IT ISN'T
AS GOOD AS NEW.

UH, LET'S GO DOWN
AND GET SOME DINNER, SHALL WE?

NO.
WHY NOT?

YOU'VE SPENT ENOUGH ON ME
ALREADY.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU HAVE, TOO -

A TICKET TO THE TOWER
AND A LOVELY LIPSTICK.

AND DON'T FORGET THE DIME
FOR THE GADGET.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HERE IT IS.

YOU HAVEN'T BY ANY CHANCE

A NEEDLE AND THREAD WITH YOU,
HAVE YOU?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I HAVE.

I'LL SEW IT ON FOR YOU
RIGHT NOW.

HOLD THE NEEDLE A SECOND.

NO SCISSORS?

OKAY,
LET'S HAVE THE BUTTON.

OH, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE.
NOW YOU'VE DROPPED THE NEEDLE.

OH.

WELL,
WE'LL NEVER FIND IT NOW.

THIS PLACE IS MUCH BIGGER
THAN A HAYSTACK.

LET'S GO DOWN
TO MY OFFICE,

AND YOU CAN SEW THE BUTTON ON
THERE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT A NEEDLE
DOWN THERE?

OH, MY SECRETARY
IS FULL OF NEEDLES.

OKAY, WE CAN TRY.

BY THE WAY, DON,
WHAT DO YOU DO?

ARCHITECT.

OH, THAT EXPLAINS THE INK
AND THE PUMICE STONE.

ARE YOU A DRAFTSMAN?

NO. BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I'M A FULL-FLEDGED ARCHITECT.

BUILD YOU ANYTHING FROM
A CATHEDRAL TO A BOMB SHELTER.

HOW MUCH WOULD A CATHEDRAL
COST THESE DAYS -

A SMALL ONE?

GOSH, YOUR NAME ON THE DOOR
AND EVERYTHING.

ARE YOU FAMOUS?
NOT IN THE LEAST.

I'M JUST A GOOD, MODERN,
RUN-OF-THE-MILL ARCHITECT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOUR SECRETARY WAS HERE.

DON'T BE SILLY.
SHE QUITS AT 5:00.

I SAID SHE WOULD HAVE
A NEEDLE.

OKAY.
THEN LET'S LOOK FOR IT.

NOW, DON'T ASK ME
WHY HE'S BITING HIS LEG.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

THERE MUST BE A NEEDLE AND
THREAD AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.

LET'S SEE.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

KLEENEX...

NOTHING IN THERE
BUT STAMPS.

...PAPER CLIPS...

NOW WE'RE GETTING WARM -
PINS.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HER
WITH A NEEDLE AND THREAD?

PERSONALLY,
I DON'T BELIEVE -

WHEN YOU SEE MY SECRETARY,
YOU WILL KNOW INSTINCTIVELY

THAT SHE'S
THE TYPE OF WOMAN

WHO HAS A NEEDLE AND THREAD
AVAILABLE SOMEPLACE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK
IN MY OFFICE.

OKAY.

OH, ISN'T THAT CUTE?

IT'S JUST LIKE
AN UMBRELLA STAND.

OH, NOW I KNOW WHY YOU NEEDED
ALL THE RUBBER BANDS.

OH, DO YOU MIND
IF I TAKE A LOOK?

GO AHEAD.

"FREEPORT CIVIC CENTER."

DID YOU BUILD THIS?

IT'S BUILDING NOW.

WELL, YOU GO LOOK
FOR YOUR NEEDLES.

NEEDLES?
OH, YES.

I'LL LOOK IN THE FILE
UNDER "N."

DON'T YOU GET AN AWFUL KICK

OUT OF LOOKING AT A BUILDING
THAT YOU'VE PLANNED

AND KNOWING THAT IT ALL STARTED
IN YOUR HEAD?

I'LL LET YOU IN
ON A SECRET.

THE FIRST JOB I EVER DID
OFF MY OWN BAT

WAS A HUGE,
HIDEOUS BRICK WAREHOUSE.

I USED TO DRIVE OUT THERE
AT NIGHT

WHEN THERE WASN'T
A SOUL AROUND

AND SIT IN MY CAR FOR HOURS,
GLOATING OVER IT.

ALL ALONE?

WELL, HUGE,
HIDEOUS BRICK WAREHOUSES

DON'T APPEAL
TO MANY PEOPLE.

I THINK IT'D BE MORE FUN TO HAVE
SOMEONE TO GLOAT WITH.

WHO'S THAT?

HER NAME IS CYNTHIA.

SHE'S QUITE CUTE.

VERY CUTE.

WHY DON'T YOU KEEP HER PICTURE
ON YOUR DESK?

I- I USED TO.

OH.

ARE YOU IN LOVE
WITH HER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I USED TO BE, SORT OF,
I THINK.

NOT ANYMORE, ANYWAY.

IS SHE IN LOVE WITH YOU?

WELL,
HOW CAN A MAN TELL?

WELL, WERE YOU ENGAGED?

OH, MORE OR LESS,
I SUPPOSE.

IT'S, UH -
IT'S ALL OFF NOW.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT MY SECRETARY HAS RUN OFF

WITH EVERY NEEDLE
IN THE PLACE.

NOW, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE
TO EAT?

NOWHERE.

NOW, DON'T BE A LITTLE DOPE.
WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER,

AND I DON'T WANT
ANY ARGUMENTS FROM YOU.

WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO
THE STORK CLUB? SURE.

IT'S AWFULLY EXPENSIVE.

NONE OF THE BOYS I KNOW
CAN AFFORD IT.

WE USUALLY GO DUTCH
TO SOME SPAGHETTI JOINT.

WELL, PERSONALLY,
I PREFER A GOOD STEAK.

DO YOU LIKE
THE STORK CLUB?

I DON'T GO THERE
VERY OFTEN.

IT'S MOSTLY FOR PEOPLE
IN SHOW BUSINESS.

I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
I'M AN ACTRESS.

OH?

SUCCESSFUL
OR STRUGGLING?

SORT OF STRUGGLING.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE DEDICATED,
INTENSE GIRLS

WHO SIMPLY
MUST BE AN ACTRESS?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I'D JUST AS SOON GET MARRIED,
I THINK.

WHO AM I KIDDING?
I'M JUST DYING TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY, THOUGH,
BECAUSE I'M CHOOSY.

THE KIND OF MEN I WANT
DON'T GROW ON TREES.

DO THEY, UH, PROWL THE LOBBY
OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,

PICKING UP GIRLS?
DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE
I'M LOOKING FOR AT ALL.

NO?
NO.

YOU LOOKED FORLORN AND -
AND KIND OF HELPLESS

TRYING TO FIX
YOUR SILLY OLD BUTTON.

I DID WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
BUT YOU'RE MUCH TOO YOUNG.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN MARRIED?

NO.

WHEN I GET MARRIED,

I WANT A NICE MIDDLE-AGED MAN
WITH GOBS OF DOUGH,

PREFERABLY ONE
WHO'S BEEN MARRIED BEFORE

AND HAD
A SIMPLY LOUSY TIME.

CAN FIVE KIDS
FOR ALL I CARE.

DOESN'T SOUND
VERY ROMANTIC.

OH, POOH.
ROMANCE IS FOR BOBBY-SOXERS.

I'M MUCH RATHER
HAVE A MAN APPRECIATE ME

THAN DROOL OVER ME.

YOU THINK I HAVE
A TENDENCY TO DROOL?

YES.

I THINK YOU'RE PROBABLY
QUITE DEMONSTRATIVE.

BUT I THINK THAT'S SWELL.
I'M VERY AFFECTIONATE MYSELF.

SHOW ME.

WAS CYNTHIA AFFECTIONATE?

YOU ASK
TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

COME ON.

WHY DID YOU TELL HIM
EAST 79th STREET

BETWEEN 5th AND MADISON?

THAT ISN'T WHERE
THE STORK CLUB IS.

I KNOW.
THAT'S MY APARTMENT.

WELL, YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO GO TO THE STORK CLUB

WITH A BUTTON MISSING,
DO YOU?

YES, BUT I'M -
IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE A DRINK FIRST,
AND THEN WE'LL FIND A NEEDLE,

AND THEN YOU CAN SEW
MY BUTTON ON BEFORE WE GO.

BACHELORS
DON'T HAVE NEEDLES.

OH,
I'M AN UNUSUAL BACHELOR.

YOU WON'T MIND COMING UP,
WILL YOU?

I'M NOT SO SURE.

WOULD YOU TRY
TO SEDUCE ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

PROBABLY. WHY?

"WHY"?
A GIRL WANTS TO KNOW.

A GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO BE, UH,
INTUITIVE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

YOU JUST DON'T GO AROUND

BLUNTLY ASKING QUESTIONS
LIKE THAT.

I DO.
I ALWAYS DO.

AND WHAT HAPPENS
IF THEY SAY YES,

THEY'RE GOING TO TRY
TO SEDUCE YOU?

I GENERALLY BELIEVE THEM,
AND THEN I'M OUT ONE DINNER.

AND IF THEY SAY
THEIR INTENTIONS ARE HONORABLE?

I GENERALLY BELIEVE THEM.

BUT YOU GET FOOLED
SOMETIMES.

I HATE MEN LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
THERE ARE LOTS OF GIRLS

WHO DON'T MIND
BEING SEDUCED.

WHY PICK ON THOSE
WHO DO?

OKAY.

I WON'T MAKE
A SINGLE PASS AT YOU.

YOU BELIEVE ME?

YES.
YES, I DO.

YOU'RE NICE.
I LIKE YOU.

I COULD BE LYING.

THAT'S TRUE.
ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE, UH, NEVER RUN UP AGAINST
ANYBODY LIKE YOU BEFORE.

HOW NICE.

BUT I WON'T TAKE AN OATH
THAT I'M NOT GOING TO KISS YOU.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
KISSING'S FUN.

I'VE NO OBJECTION
TO THAT.

I'LL BE DARNED IF I KNOW WHETHER
YOU'RE JUST INCREDIBLY NAIVE

OR WHETHER YOU'RE RIBBING
THE PANTS OFF ME.

WELL, IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

LOOK, LET'S FACE IT.

GOING TO A MAN'S APARTMENT

ALMOST ALWAYS ENDS
IN ONE OF TWO WAYS -

EITHER THE GIRL
IS WILLING TO LOSE HER VIRTUE,

OR SHE FIGHTS FOR IT.

WELL,
I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MINE,

AND I THINK IT'S VULGAR
TO FIGHT FOR IT,

DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S SENSIBLE?

OKAY. SOLD.

AFFECTION
BUT NO PASSION.

WORD OF HONOR.

"AFFECTION
BUT NO PASSION."

THAT'S LOVELY.

YOU COULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT
ON THAT.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE REALLY TERRIBLY SWEET,

EVEN IF YOU ARE
A LITTLE BIT NUTS.

PATTY O'NEILL.
YOU MUST BE VERY IRISH.

BOTH MY PARENTS
WERE BORN IN BROOKLYN.

BUT POP'S IRISH
FROM WAY BACK.

WHEN HE GETS GOOD AND MAD,

HE CAN EVEN TALK
WITH A THICK BROGUE.

OH?
WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE'S A COP.

GOT CHANGE FOR $10?

YEAH.

NOW, YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T MIND
COMING UP?

QUITE SURE.

NO QUALMS?
NOT A QUALM IN THE WORLD.

AND I'M NOT REFLECTING
ON YOUR VIRILITY, EITHER.

LET'S LEAVE MY VIRILITY
OUT OF THIS.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU KNOW,
BOYS ARE SO FUNNY.

THEY'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT
FLATTERED TO BE TRUSTED.

PARDON ME, LADY, BUT WHAT MAKES
YOU TRUST HIM SO IMPLICITLY?

I GUESS IT SOUNDS
KIND OF CORNY,

BUT I THINK
HE'S A MAN OF HONOR.

A GIRL CAN TELL.

I GOT THREE DAUGHTERS.

I ONLY HOPE
THEY CAN TELL, TOO.

OH, THANK YOU, MISTER.

YOU KNOW, FOR WHAT I LEARN
ON THAT TRIP,

MY PSYCHIATRIST WILL CHARGE ME
AT LEAST 25 BUCKS.

I'M SO GLAD
YOU DON'T MIND.

MIND WHAT?

WELL, MEN ARE USUALLY
SO BORED WITH VIRGINS.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT.

HAVE YOU TAKEN MANY GIRLS
UP TO YOUR APARTMENT?

I CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER.

WELL, DOESN'T THE ELEVATOR BOY
RAISE HIS EYEBROW?

THE ELEVATOR BOY HAPPENS TO BE
A BUTTON WHICH YOU PRESS.

THAT WAS CYNTHIA.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS ALL OFF.

WELL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
IT'S COMPLETELY OFF.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE LOOKED PRETTY DETERMINED
TO ME.

THIS WAY.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?

OH, HELLO, MIKE.

NO.
NOT TONIGHT, PAL.

SORRY.
UH, JUST GOING OUT.

LATER THIS WEEK?

FINE.

SO LONG.

WHO'S MIKE?

A FRIEND OF MINE.

ARE YOU MAD AT HIM?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
WHY?

YOU HUNG UP SO QUICKLY.

WELL, THERE WASN'T ANYTHING MORE
TO SAY.

HE ASKED ME TO DINE.
I TOLD HIM I COULDN'T.

BUT YOU COULD HAVE TALKED
TO HIM.

I ALWAYS TALK BY THE HOUR
TO MY FRIENDS.

I BET YOU DO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING
WITH CYNTHIA'S PICTURE?

I'M PUTTING HER FACEDOWN

IN THE DRAWER
WITH MY WINTER SOCKS.

WELL,
WHO ON EARTH WROTE THAT?

I CAN'T IMAGINE.

OH, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MAIDS.
I GET DAILY MAID SERVICE.

WELL, WHY ON EARTH
WOULD SHE CALL YOU A STINKER?

UH, HADN'T LEFT HER A TIP
IN WEEKS.

NEEDLES, AS ADVERTISED.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE -
A MARTINI?

NO, THANKS.

I JUST WANT A LEMONADE
OR A COKE.

SORRY, BUT WE'RE FRESH OUT
OF LEMONS AND/OR COKES.

WELL, NEVER MIND.
I'LL JUST SETTLE FOR AN OLIVE

OR SOMETHING.

OLIVE.

LET ME HAVE YOUR COAT.

AND WHAT'D YOU DO
WITH THE BUTTON?

COAT...

BUTTON.

IT'S A PICASSO LITHOGRAPH.
YOU LIKE IT?

FRANKLY,
I THINK IT'S AWFUL.

I ADORE YOUR APARTMENT,
BUT IF IT WERE MINE,

THAT'S THE FIRST THING
I'D GET RID OF.

I LIKE IT.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU HANG IT
IN YOUR BEDROOM?

I LIKE IT THERE.

AND THAT'S WHERE
IT'S GONNA STAY.

OH,
WHAT A DIVINE KITCHEN.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE STOVE
IN OUR APARTMENT.

VICKY SWEARS
IT MUST HAVE BEEN INSTALLED

DURING THE CLEVELAND
ADMINISTRATION.

VICKY?

YES, VICKY -
MY ROOMMATE.

AND A GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

VICKY SAYS SHE'D MARRY ANY MAN,
SIGHT UNSEEN,

WHO'D OFFER HER A KITCHEN
WITH A GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

DON'T YOU LIKE MARTINIS?

I USED TO,
BUT I GAVE UP DRINKING.

WHY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S SORT OF HIGH SCHOOL
TO DRINK AND SMOKE

WHEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY
CRAVE IT.

DO YOU MIND
IF I TAKE MY SHOES OFF?

TAKE OFF
ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

YOU HAVE VERY PRETTY FEET.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU HAVE A MISTRESS?

MISTRESS?

ISN'T THAT A RATHER
OLD-FASHIONED TERM?

WELL,
MAYBE AN OLD-FASHIONED TERM,

BUT AT LEAST
IT'S SPECIFIC.

DO YOU HAVE ONE?

YOU ASK
THE MOST STARTLING QUESTIONS.

WHY?

YOU'RE A BACHELOR, AND YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY QUITE WELL-OFF.

MOST BACHELORS
DO HAVE THEM.

IT'S A PERFECTLY NATURAL
QUESTION.

IT ISN'T A BIT NATURAL.

YOU DON'T GO AROUND

ASKING PEOPLE BLUNTLY
IF THEY HAVE A MISTRESS.

OH, I DO.
I THINK IT SAVES SO MUCH TIME.

I MEAN, ONE ALWAYS FINDS OUT
SOONER OR LATER.

DO YOU -
HAVE ONE, I MEAN?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DON'T.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
I'M GLAD.

WELL,
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE?

OH, YOU NEEDN'T TELL ME
UNLESS YOU WANT TO.

WELL, MAYBE I, UH -

BECAUSE I THINK
IT'S SORT OF HIGH SCHOOL

TO HAVE A MISTRESS
UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY CRAVE ONE.

YOU KNOW,
THAT'S REALLY VERY TRUE.

WAS CYNTHIA -

SHE WAS NOT MY MISTRESS.

I NEVER SAID SHE WAS.

NO, BUT YOU
WERE JUST GOING TO.

YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED
TO HER ANYMORE -

I- I MEAN,
NOT EVEN SORT OF?

QUITE SURE.

HMM.

OF COURSE,
I ONLY GOT A GLIMPSE OF HER,

BUT SHE'S REALLY
QUITE CUTE.

SHE HAS
SUCH A PRETTY CHIN.

SHE'S VERY PRETTY
ALL OVER.

OH, THEN SHE WAS
YOUR MISTRESS!

SHE WAS NOTHING
OF THE SORT.

WELL, YOU SAID
SHE WAS PRETTY ALL OVER,

AND I NATURALLY THOUGHT...

WHY ARE YOU SO PREOCCUPIED
WITH SEX?

WHO, ME?

YES, YOU.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM?

WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS ASKING
IF PEOPLE PLAN SEDUCTION

OR IF THEY'RE
BORED WITH VIRGINS

OR IF THEY HAVE A MISTRESS.

NOW, IF THAT ISN'T BEING
PREOCCUPIED WITH SEX,

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS.

WELL, YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

BUT DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S BETTER FOR A GIRL

TO BE PREOCCUPIED WITH SEX
THAN OCCUPIED?

NOW YOU HAVE TWO NEEDLES.

IT'S BEGINNING TO RAIN.

HOW LONG SINCE YOU AND CYNTHIA
SPLIT UP?

OH, IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT
OR THIS MORNING -

SOMETIME IN BETWEEN.

IS THAT WHY SHE WROTE "STINKER"
ON THE MIRROR?

OH, YOU, UH, DIDN'T BELIEVE IT
WAS THE MAID?

NOT FOR A SECOND.

ARE YOU TERRIBLY CRUSHED
ABOUT IT?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M SO CRUSHED?

WELL, YOU PUT HER IN
WITH YOUR WINTER SOCKS.

WHEN I ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE
STILL IN LOVE WITH HER,

YOU SHILLY-SHALLIED.

OKAY, SHE LEFT AN ACHING VOID
IN MY HEART.

WELL,
WHY DID YOU SPLIT UP?

YOU ASK ENTIRELY
TOO MANY QUESTIONS.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT REALLY INQUISITIVE.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M INTERESTED
IN PEOPLE.

OH, GOSH.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 8:35. WHY?

OH, SHOOT.
MY SHOW WENT ON AT 8:00.

YOU'RE ON TELEVISION?
YES.

OH, BUT I DID THIS SHOW
WEEKS AGO.

OH.
TOO BAD WE MISSED IT.

OH, NEVER MIND.
IT GOES ON AGAIN AT MIDNIGHT.

FINE.
WE'LL WATCH IT TOGETHER.

OH, NO.

I'LL BE HOME SAFELY TUCKED
IN BED BY THEN.

BUT YOU CAN WATCH IT.
MIDNIGHT, CHANNEL 4.

OKAY.

NOW LET'S GO OUT AND EAT,
SHALL WE?

OKAY, LET'S DO.
WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET DRENCHED
WITHOUT A RAINCOAT.

OH, I KNOW.

LET'S NOT GO OUT.
LET'S FIX DINNER UP HERE.

I'M SIMPLY
A SENSATIONAL COOK.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
I HAVEN'T ANY SENSATIONAL FOOD.

OH,
YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING.

WELL, I THOUGHT SURELY
YOU'D HAVE SOME LEFTOVERS.

YOU KNOW, WHAT I CAN DO WITH
LEFTOVERS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

DO YOU LIKE KEDGEREE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

KEDGEREE.
IT'S MADE WITH FINNAN HADDIE.

DO YOU HAVE
ANY FINNAN HADDIE?

I WOULDN'T BE FOUND DEAD
WITH FINNAN HADDIE.

WELL, THAT'S AN AWFUL THING
TO SAY.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TASTED IT.
IT'S DELICIOUS.

LOOK, PATTY,
THE ONLY THING REMOTELY EDIBLE

IN THIS ENTIRE APARTMENT
IS THIS SMALL CROCK OF CHEESE,

WHICH WAS SENT TO ME
LAST CHRISTMAS.

BLUE CHEESE?
YOU KNOW, I CAN FIX THE MOST -

IT'S GOING BLUE.
SEE?

WELL, DON'T YOU EVER
EAT MEALS UP HERE? NOPE.

NO WONDER YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY
AND MALADJUSTED.

I'M NOT A BIT UNHAPPY, AND MY
ADJUSTMENT IS JUST DANDY.

WELL,
I THINK THAT'S AWFUL,

THIS DARLING KITCHEN
GOING TO WASTE

AND THIS LOVELY ICEBOX
AND STOVE

AND THAT GARBAGE DISPOSAL
WITH NOBODY TO USE IT.

I WANT TO CRY, HONESTLY.

YOU'RE THE STRANGEST GIRL
I'VE EVER KNOWN.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
YOU PICKED ME UP.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO RUB IT IN.

YES, I DO.

I THINK BOTH OF US SHOULD BEAR
IT IN MIND ALL THE TIME.

WHY?

BECAUSE.

I JUST THINK WE SHOULD,
THAT'S ALL.

WHY?

JUST IN CASE WE START FEELING
ROMANTIC ABOUT EACH OTHER.

WELL,
WOULD THAT BE SO BAD?

YES.

YOU PICKED ME UP,

AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
YOU'LL ALWAYS WONDER.

WHAT ABOUT?

ABOUT ALL THE OTHER MEN

WHO MIGHT HAVE PICKED ME UP
BEFORE YOU DID,

IN JUST THE SAME WAY.

I HAVE BEEN WONDERING
ABOUT THAT.

DO YOU DO IT VERY OFTEN?

ONCE IS ENOUGH
TO LEAVE DOUBTS.

MINE
ARE COMPLETELY DISPELLED.

FOR THE TIME BEING,
MAYBE.

THEY COME CREEPING BACK,
THOUGH.

DID YOU BUILD THIS?

NOT YET.
I- I PLAN TO SOMEDAY.

IT'S JUST A SKETCH -
UM, SORT OF A HIDEAWAY CABIN.

I LIKE IT.

OF COURSE, YOU'LL NEVER FIND
LOVELY OLD TREES LIKE THAT.

WELL, THE TREES
ARE ALREADY THERE.

IT'S A PIECE OF PROPERTY
I OWN.

I'M GONNA BUILD THIS SHACK
TO FIT INTO THE TREES.

IS THIS THE BEDROOM?
UH-HUH.

WINDOWS ON THREE SIDES,
FIREPLACE - HUGE FIREPLACE.

YOU COULD ROAST AN OX IN THERE
IF YOU FELT LIKE IT.

IT MIGHT BE FUN TO ROAST AN OX
IN A BEDROOM.

THE LIMB OF THIS OAK TREE

WILL JUST MISS THE SUN DECK
BY ABOUT 2 FEET.

GOSH. IF I OWNED A TREE
LIKE THAT, I'D LIVE IN IT.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS A KID...

DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN?

CAN'T STAND
THE SIGHT OF THEM.

OH.

I SUPPOSE YOU THINK
IT'S UNFAIR

TO BRING KIDS
INTO THIS MESS OF A WORLD.

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A MESS
BEING CLEARED UP BY UNBORN KIDS?

YOU KNOW,
I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

WELL, IT'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING
TO THINK ABOUT.

NOW,
HOW ABOUT THIS DINNER?

YOU WANT TO FIX IT FOR US
UP HERE?

EVEN I CAN'T DO MUCH
WITH MOLDY OLD CHEESE.

WELL, THERE'S A GROCERY STORE
DOWN THE BLOCK,

AND I HAVE A RAINCOAT.

I COULD GET
WHATEVER YOU NEED.

OH, THAT WOULD BE SWELL.

I SIMPLY ADORE COOKING,

AND I RARELY GET A CHANCE
TO COOK FOR A MAN.

MY ROOMMATE'S A GIRL.

I'M RELIEVED TO HEAR IT.

NOW WHO'S PREOCCUPIED
WITH SEX?

OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT'LL I BUY?

WELL, I'LL MAKE YOU
A SHOPPING LIST RIGHT NOW.

NOW, DON'T BOTHER ME.
I DON'T WANT TO FORGET ANYTHING.

I'M WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN
BUT THE STAPLES.

I'LL LEAVE THOSE
TO YOUR IMAGINATION.

HERE.

GO ON.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

I'VE DECIDED
NOT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT -

AT LEAST NOT ON THE PLATFORM
YOU DRAFTED FOR ME.

"AFFECTION BUT NO PASSION."
NOW, WHAT KIND OF -

YOU'RE NOT PASSIONATE NOW.

YOU'RE JUST HUNGRY,
AND SO AM I.

GO OUT
AND GET THE GROCERIES.

I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH.

YOU PUT YOUR RUBBERS ON.

IT'S RAINING LIKE CRAZY.

MY DEAR GIRL,
I HAVEN'T WORN RUBBERS SINCE -

YOU PUT THEM ON.

DON'T BE SO BOSSY.

I'M NOT BEING BOSSY.
IT'S THE MOTHER INSTINCT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

30. WHY?

30? LET'S SEE.

HALF OF THAT IS 15,
PLUS 7...

22.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
IT JUST WORKS OUT.

WHAT WORKS OUT?

WELL,
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD

THAT GIRL IS SUPPOSED TO BE
HALF THE MAN'S AGE PLUS 7?

WHAT GIRL? WHAT MAN?

NEVER MIND. BEAT IT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL BUY
SOME HAM AND EGGS, TOO.

WELL, STOP WORRYING, VICKY.
HE'S AN ARCHITECT.

AND HE HAS A PERFECTLY DARLING
APARTMENT ON EAST 79th STREET.

AND HIS NAME'S DONALD GRESHAM.

AND HE HAS LOVELY, SOFT EYES,
LIKE A COCKER SPANIEL.

AND -

OH, HOLD ON A SEC.
THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.

OH, HELLO.
YOU'RE CYNTHIA, AREN'T YOU?

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU.

OH,
WHAT AN ADORABLE LITTLE DOG.

OH, DON WENT OUT.
HE'S GONE TO BUY STEAKS.

I'M GONNA FIX DINNER FOR US
UP HERE.

SAY, LISTEN, WHY DID YOU WRITE
"STINKER" ON THE MIRROR?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL... WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN
AND WAIT?

HE WON'T BE VERY LONG.

BELIEVE ME, VICKY.
THIS ONE WOULDN'T HARM A FLY.

HE LOVES CHILDREN,

AND HE OWNS A PERFECTLY
BEAUTIFUL OLD OAK TREE.

OAK TREE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NEVER MIND.
I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

OH, THERE'S THE DOOR AGAIN.

LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER
MAYBE, OKAY?

GOODBYE, AND DON'T WORRY.

WELL, I'LL BE -

WHAT WILL YOU BE?

I'M SORRY.
YOU CAUGHT ME OFF BASE.

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO FIND
A GIRL HERE.

WHY NOT?
IT'S A VERY RESPECTABLE HOUR.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.
I DIDN'T MEAN, UH...

IS MR. GRESHAM IN?

NO, HE'S BEEN OUT
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

BE BACK PRETTY SOON,
THOUGH.

WON'T YOU COME IN?

OH,
I DON'T THINK I'D BETTER.

I THOUGHT MAYBE DON WAS IN.
I- I LIVE DIRECTLY ABOVE HERE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

OH, I WOULD LIKE A DRINK,
VERY MUCH INDEED.

FRANKLY, I'M STILL A LITTLE BIT
HUNG OVER FROM LAST NIGHT.

I KNOW -
HAIR OF THE DOG.

YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'VE CURED MORE HANGOVERS THAN
YOU COULD SHAKE A STICK AT.

NEVER SHAKE A STICK
AT A HANGOVER.

MY NAME'S DAVID SLATER.
WHAT'S YOURS?

PATTY -
PATTY O'NEILL.

AH, A VERY PRETTY NAME,
TOO.

HAVE YOU, UH -
YOU KNOWN DON LONG?

OH, GOSH, YES.

WELL, OF COURSE,
IT HASN'T BEEN VERY LONG.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AGES.

HE'S A DARLING.
I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.

IS HE CRAZY ABOUT YOU?

OH, IT'S PURELY PLATONIC
ON BOTH SIDES.

YES, OF COURSE.

I TOOK MY SHOES OFF
BECAUSE MY FEET HURT.

OH, YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY
YOUR FEET HURT.

WHY NOT?
THEY DO.

"MY FOOT," SINGULAR, "HURTS"
IS AN INTRIGUING STATEMENT.

"MY FEET," PLURAL, "HURT"
IS A RATHER SORDID ADMISSION.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
THAT CHAIR WHIRLS AROUND.

MOST OF THE CHAIRS
THAT I SIT IN WHIRL AROUND.

AREN'T YOU HAVING ONE?

NO, THANKS.
I DON'T DRINK.

DO YOU KNOW CYNTHIA?

YES, INDEED.

SHE WAS SORT OF DON'S FIANCéE,
YOU KNOW -

I MEAN, SO TO SPEAK.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"SO TO SPEAK"?

WELL, IT SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
SORT OF A LOOSE ARRANGEMENT.

LOOSE?
DID HE SAY IT WAS LOOSE?

OH, NO.
BUT, ANYWAY, IT'S ALL OFF NOW.

DON JUST PUT HER FACEDOWN
WITH HIS WINTER SOCKS.

WAS SHE A PILL?

WELL, THAT'S A RATHER
DIFFICULT QUESTION.

WHY?
EITHER SHE WAS OR SHE WASN'T.

NO, IT'S NOT QUITE AS SIMPLE
AS THAT.

WELL, WHY ISN'T IT?

WELL,
SINCE YOU MUST KNOW,

CYNTHIA HAPPENS TO BE
MY DAUGHTER.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

IF I'D HAD ANY IDEA
YOU WERE HER FATHER,

I WOULDN'T HAVE DREAMED
OF ASKING YOU IF SHE WAS A PILL.

BUT YOU COULDN'T HAVE COME
TO A BETTER SOURCE.

SHE IS.

WELL, ANYWAY,
SHE'S AWFULLY PRETTY.

WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID ABOUT
HIS, UM, WINTER SOCKS?

OH, NOTHING.
SKIP IT.

DON WENT DOWN TO BUY STEAKS
JUST NOW.

I'M GONNA FIX DINNER FOR US
UP HERE.

I'M SIMPLY A TERRIFIC COOK.
DO YOU LIKE STEAK?

OH, I'M MAD ABOUT IT.

OH, WHY DON'T YOU STAY
AND HAVE DINNER WITH US?

OH, NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.

THANK YOU JUST THE SAME.

OH, YOU MEAN
BECAUSE OF CYNTHIA?

I MEAN, DID THEY SPLIT UP
BECAUSE OF YOU?

DID YOU DISAPPROVE
OR SOMETHING?

ON THE CONTRARY.

I WAS PREPARED TO LOVE HIM
LIKE A SON,

LIKE MORE THAN A SON.

DO YOU KNOW I'D BEEN PRACTICALLY
FAWNING ON HIM,

READY TO GIVE MY BLESSING
ANY MOMENT?

IS CYNTHIA ALL BROKEN UP
ABOUT IT?

NO, SHE DOESN'T BREAK UP
SO EASILY.

I AM, THOUGH.
I WAS COUNTING ON THAT BOY.

OH. WELL, THEN, YOU'RE SORE
BECAUSE THEY SPLIT UP.

YOU SEE, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

EXCEPT THAT HE TOLD ME
IT WAS OFF.

UH-HUH.

WELL,
YOU SEEM SORE AT DON.

I MEAN, HAS HE DONE SOMETHING
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO FIND OUT.

THAT'S MAINLY
WHY I'M HERE.

AND A THEORY PREVAILS

THAT MR. DONALD GRESHAM
SHOULD BE HORSEWHIPPED... BY ME.

WHY?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT CYNTHIA SAID
THIS MORNING... I THINK.

WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW?

NO, I WAS NOT IN VERY GOOD SHAPE
THIS MORNING.

SHE SAID A LOT OF THINGS.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL,
IT APPEARS THAT HE, UM -

THAT HE PLAYED FAST AND LOOSE
WITH MY DAUGHTER'S AFFECTIONS.

OH, THAT DOESN'T SOUND MUCH
LIKE DON.

WELL, IT'S NOT DON
WHOM I'M QUOTING.

OH, MRS. SLATER?

NO, SHE DIVORCED ME
YEARS AGO.

"FAST AND LOOSE" IS CYNTHIA'S
RATHER DULL CLICHé.

I WAS JUST NOT CUT OUT
TO RAISE A DAUGHTER.

SHE NEEDS A GOOD INFLUENCE.
SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MOTHER.

EITHER THAT OR A GOOD,
SWIFT KICK IN THE PANTS.

WELL, COULDN'T YOU PROVIDE HER
WITH ONE OR THE OTHER?

I MEAN, YOU LOOK AWFULLY YOUNG.
WHY DON'T YOU MARRY AGAIN?

UNFORTUNATELY, ALL THE WOMEN
TO WHOM I AM ATTRACTED

ARE NOT
A DESIRABLE INFLUENCE.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU KICK HER
IN THE PANTS?

THAT'S AN ATTRACTIVE THOUGHT.

LOOK, SINCE YOU SEEM TO KNOW HIM
PRETTY WELL,

MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME.

WOULD YOU CONSIDER OUR FRIEND
TO BE A MAN OF PRINCIPLES?

I CERTAINLY DO.
HE'S CHARMING.

YES, WELL, I'M TOLD
I'M NOT ENTIRELY WITHOUT CHARM,

BUT I HAVE NO PRINCIPLES
WHATSOEVER.

NOW, ANSWER MY QUESTION.
IS HE A MAN WHO - WHO -

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DRIVING AT.

OH, YOU WOULD
IF YOU WERE A FATHER.

OH, ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT CYNTHIA?

OH, I SEE.

IS SHE PREGNANT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT MADE YOU ASK
THAT QUESTION?

WELL, ISN'T THAT WHAT FATHERS
ARE USUALLY SO WORRIED ABOUT?

YES, I GUESS IT IS.

WELL, MR. SLATER,

YOU HAVEN'T A SINGLE THING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW -

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT CYNTHIA,

BUT I DO KNOW DON WOULD NEVER
DO A THING LIKE THAT.

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN IT.

YOU JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT IT.

YOU STAY HERE WITH US
AND HAVE A NICE DINNER,

AND YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WELL, FRANKLY,
I AM TEMPTED,

BUT, UH, OUGHTN'T WE
TO CHECK WITH DON FIRST?

WHY? I'M SURE
IT'LL BE OKAY WITH HIM.

WELL, IF I'D INVEIGLED
A PRETTY GIRL

INTO FIXING DINNER FOR ME
IN MY APARTMENT ON A RAINY NIGHT

AND SOMEBODY TRIED
TO CRASH THE PARTY,

I'D BE SORE AS A BOIL.

DID YOU SAY, "INVEIGLED"?

YES, BUT I ASSURE YOU,
I DIDN'T MEAN -

IS THAT HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED?
I ALWAYS SAY, "IN-VEE-GLED."

IS "IN-VAY-GLED" RIGHT?

YES, I-I THINK SO.

LET'S SEE.
NOW, "IN-VEE-GLED"...

"IN-VAY-GLED."
"IN-VEE-"

WELL, NOW I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S A SILLY WORD,
ISN'T IT?

WELL, NEVERTHELESS,
THE FACT REMAINS...

WHAT FACT?

...THAT YOU AND HE WILL
DOUBTLESS WANT TO BE ALONE.

WHY?

WELL, HE MAY HAVE THINGS IN MIND
FOR AFTER DINNER.

OH, NO.
THAT'S ALL UNDERSTOOD.

I ONLY AGREED
TO COME UP HERE

BECAUSE HE PROMISED
NOT TO MAKE ANY PASSES,

AND HE HASN'T.

HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU
THAT AFTER A STEAK DINNER,

HE MIGHT BECOME
MORE AFFECTIONATE?

WELL, GOSH, I HOPE HE WILL.
I LIKE BEING KISSED.

YOU KNOW,
HE HASN'T EVEN KISSED ME

SINCE
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

YOU MEAN
SINCE IT WAS BUILT?

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
THAT'S WHERE WE MET -

IN A LOVELY FOG.

WELL, UM, FIX YOURSELF
ANOTHER BATCH.

I DON'T MIND IF I DO.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO TURN ON THE TELEVISION?

IS IT IN COLOR?

OH, YOU'RE CRAZY.
IT WON'T BE IN COLOR FOR YEARS.

LET'S WAIT TILL THEN.

GOSH,
IT'S RAINING CATS AND DOGS.

WHAT KIND OF A CAR
DO YOU DRIVE?

A LINCOLN. WHY?

HAVE YOU SEEN
THE NEW CADILLAC?

YES.

THEY HAVE A FASCINATING
LITTLE GADGET.

WHENEVER IT STARTS TO RAIN,
YOU PRESS A LITTLE BUTTON,

AND IT SQUIRTS WATER
ON THE WINDSHIELD

SO THAT THE WIPER
WON'T GET IT ALL SMEARED.

I THINK OF IT THE MOMENT
IT STARTS TO RAIN.

YOU DRIVE A CADILLAC?

OH, HEAVENS, NO.
DON'T BE SILLY.

BUT THE BOY VICKY GOES WITH HAS
ONE, AND HE LETS ME WORK IT.

NOT DRIVE IT -
WORK THE GADGET.

VICKY SAYS
THAT I SHOULD -

WELL, WHO- WHO'S VICKY?
SHE'S MY ROOMMATE.

SHE'S WONDERFUL.
YOU'D LOVE HER.

SHE'S ONLY A YEAR OLDER
THAN I AM,

BUT SHE CLUCKS OVER ME
LIKE A MOTHER HEN.

VICKY'S A CONOVER MODEL.

IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE -
A MODEL?

WELL, SOMETIMES.

NOT REALLY.
I'M AN ACTRESS.

OR RATHER,
I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS.

IT'S A RUGGED LIFE.

THE COMPETITION
IS SIMPLY BRUTAL.

POOR VICKY.
SHE'S HAVING A DREADFUL TIME.

NOTHING TO MODEL?

OH, I DON'T MEAN PROFESSIONALLY.
I MEAN EMOTIONALLY.

YOU SEE, THIS BOY WITH THE
CADILLAC'S IN LOVE WITH HER,

AND HE HAS EVERYTHING.
HE'S VERY RICH.

YOU CALL THIS
HAVING A DREADFUL TIME?

WELL, YES, BECAUSE,
YOU SEE, HE'S MARRIED,

AND HE WON'T DO ANYTHING
TO DISTRESS HIS WIFE.

HE'S A PRINCETON MAN.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

I WENT TO A SCHOOL
WHERE DISTRESSING WIVES

WAS PRACTICALLY
A REQUIRED COURSE.

DOES CYNTHIA DO ANYTHING -

I MEAN, LIKE ACTING OR MODELING
OR SOMETHING?

NO.

DOESN'T SHE DO ANYTHING?
NO,

AT LEAST NOTHING THAT FILLS ME
WITH PATERNAL PRIDE.

DO YOU DO ANYTHING
TO MAKE HER PROUD OF YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU JUST CONNECTED
WITH A VICIOUS LEFT HOOK

BELOW THE BELT.

I MEANT TO.

IT ALWAYS BURNS ME UP -

PARENTS WHO COMPLAIN
ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN.

IT'S THE PARENTS' FAULT.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.

WELL, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S A DULL THING
TO SAY -

TRITE, BANAL,
AND PAINFULLY TRUE.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
TO MEND.

OH, I'LL BET YOU ALWAYS SAY
THAT, TOO.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE PROBABLY
GOT THE MAKINGS

OF A VERY GOOD FATHER.

I LIKE THE WAY YOUR EYES
SORT OF CRINKLE.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE REALLY VERY CUTE.

WHAT DID YOU GET UP FOR?

JUST SEEMED LIKE
A GOOD IDEA.

WHY?

FRANKLY, MY CHILD,
I FELT A SUDDEN POWERFUL

AND VERY IGNOBLE DESIRE
TO KISS YOU

TILL YOUR LIPS
WERE SOMEWHAT BRUISED.

YOU DID?
HOW LOVELY.

THIS IS ONE
OF MY GOOD DAYS.

AND RATHER THAN YIELD
TO THAT IGNOBLE DESIRE -

WHAT'S SO IGNOBLE
ABOUT IT?

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
TO BE DESIRED.

THERE'S ONE SMALL POINT
I'D LIKE TO CLEAR UP.

AREN'T YOU MORE OR LESS,
UH, SPOKEN FOR BY DON?

WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,
WE ONLY MET THIS AFTERNOON.

WE SORT OF
PICKED ONE ANOTHER UP

ON TOP OF
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

HMM.
THAT'S VERY ILLUMINATING.

YES, BUT DON'T GO GETTING
ANY IDEAS,

BECAUSE IT WAS ALL
PERFECTLY PROPER.

HEY, IT'S ME!
MAKE IT SNAPPY!

OKAY, OKAY! I'M COMING!

I GOT ENOUGH FOOD HERE
FOR A MONTH'S SIEGE.

HI, PAL.

IN VIEW
OF THAT CORDIAL WELCOME,

I THINK PERHAPS
I'D BETTER BLOW.

YOU STAY HERE.
DON, COME HERE.

WHAT THE DEVIL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I INVITED MR. SLATER
TO HAVE DINNER WITH US.

YOU DID WHAT?

NOW, DON'T BE SO RUDE.

MR. SLATER HAPPENED TO DROP IN,
AND I INVITED HIM TO DINNER.

IN THAT CASE,
I THINK YOU OUGHT TO KNOW

THAT MR. SLATER
HAPPENS TO BE -

I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.
HE'S CYNTHIA'S FATHER.

BUT DON'T WORRY -
HE'S REALLY NOT MAD AT YOU,

AND HE'S NOT GOING
TO HORSEWHIP YOU.

HE'S NOT GOING TO WHAT?

YOU TALK TOO MUCH.

THE HORSEWHIPPING
IS A FEATURE

THAT YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD ABOUT YET.

NO, BUT DO TELL.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A FEW MOMENTS, PATTY?

MAN TALK, HONEY.

OKAY, SURE.
I'M GONNA FIX DINNER ANYWAY.

AND YOU TWO CAN GAB
TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT.

IF YOU'VE GOT YOUR FEET WET,
YOU BETTER CHANGE YOUR SOCKS.

THEY LOOK WET.

THAT'S
A VERY CHARMING GIRL.

YEAH, SHE'S A SWEET KID -
KNOWN HER FOR YEARS.

NICE FAMILY.

YES,
LOTS OF NICE FAMILIES

LIVE IN
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

I MIGHT HAVE GUESSED.

HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

10 OR 15 MINUTES.
SHE NEVER STOPPED TALKING.

OKAY,
SO I PICKED HER UP.

SHE'S STILL
AN AWFULLY NICE GIRL.

I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU
MORE.

PERFECTLY ENCHANTING.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S HAVE IT.

WHAT IS THIS HORSEWHIPPING
ROUTINE?

MY DAUGHTER GOT IN
AT 10:00 A.M. THIS MORNING.

THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE WAS WITH YOU ALL NIGHT.

SHE SPENT THE NIGHT
IN THIS APARTMENT.

THAT IS CORRECT.

SHE CLAIMS
- SHE LIES. I NEVER TOUCHED HER.

MOREOVER,
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

NOW,
CYNTHIA HAS MANY FAULTS,

BUT SHE WOULD NEVER CLAIM
THAT I -

SHE TOLD ME THAT -
SHE LIES.

OH, QUIT YAPPING "SHE LIES"
IN THAT DRAMATIC FASHION

BEFORE I CAN EVEN FINISH
A SENTENCE.

NOW LET ME TRY TO RECALL
EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID SAY.

GO AHEAD.

WELL, THIS MORNING,
I WAS FIXING MY BREAKFAST -

TO BE MORE ACCURATE,
A BROMO-SELTZER -

AND CYNTHIA
CAME TRAIPSING IN

WEARING A BLACK,
STRAPLESS FORMAL.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED ME
OVER WITH A FEATHER.

I MEAN,
SHE'D BEEN LATE BEFORE -

2:00, 3:00,
EVEN 5:00 IN THE MORNING -

BUT NEVER AT 10:00 A.M.

GO ON.

SO I ASKED HER WHERE SHE'D BEEN
ALL NIGHT.

SHE SAID THAT SHE'D SLEPT
DOWN HERE -

NO EVASION,
JUST LIKE THAT.

YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED ME OVER
WITH A FEATHER.

YOU SAID THAT BEFORE.

THAT WAS AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT FEATHER.

WHEN MY OWN DAUGHTER TOLD ME
THAT SHE'D SLEPT DOWN HERE,

I SAID TO HER...

WHAT DID I SAY?

OH, YES.
I SAID, "GREAT HEAVENS, CHILD.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THAT."

WELL, SOMETHING IN
THAT PRICE RANGE, ANYWAY.

I ALWAYS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
ON A HIGH MORAL PLANE.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAID, "YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT.
IT WAS A GRAVE ERROR."

THEN SHE SLUMPED OFF
INTO HER OWN ROOM,

SLAMMED THE DOOR,
TOOK A SHOWER.

WHILE YOU SEARCHED
FOR A HORSEWHIP?

NOW, IT ILL BEHOOVES YOU
TO JOKE ABOUT THIS.

MY DAUGHTER SAID, IN EFFECT,
THAT SHE'D TRUSTED YOU

AND YOU'D DONE HER WRONG -
HER VERY WORDS.

IS THAT ALL SHE SAID?
WASN'T SHE MORE SPECIFIC?

THAT'S ALL SHE SAID -
"HE DONE ME WRONG."

SAID IT SEVERAL TIMES.

SHE LIES.
I NEVER TOUCHED HER.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I NEVER TOUCHED HER.

YOU KNOW,
IT JUST OCCURS TO ME

THAT MIGHT VERY WELL HAVE BEEN
THE WRONG YOU'VE DONE HER -

WELL, ACCORDING
TO CYNTHIA'S BOOK.

NOW I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS
SO SORE THIS MORNING -

A VERY
HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE.

I PROBABLY SHOULD BEAT YOU UP
ANYWAY.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

I AM TO BE HORSEWHIPPED
FOR NOT SEDUCING YOUR DAUGHTER?

THAT'S QUITE A NEW TWIST,
ISN'T IT?

WHO IS IT?

Cynthia: LET ME IN. DON'T
BE SUCH A COWARD. Don: Shh.

DON'T SHUSH ME LIKE THAT!
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

OH, CYNTHIA.

I SUPPOSE THAT GIRL
IS STILL HERE.

DON'T LOOK SO INNOCENT.
I SAW HER.

SHE OPENED THE DOOR
IN HER STOCKING FEET.

WHAT IS SHE,
A HILLBILLY?

OH, PLEASE DON'T MAKE A SCENE,
CYNTHIA.

LET'S BE CIVILIZED
ABOUT THIS. CIVILIZED?!

I'M THE MOST CIVILIZED GIRL
YOU EVER MET IN YOUR -

UH-HUH. THAT'S WHY YOU LEAVE
ONE-WORD MESSAGES SCRAWLED ON MIRRORS.

IF YOU TREAT THAT POOR GIRL
THE WAY YOU TREATED ME,

SHE ALSO WILL LEAVE HER OPINION
OF YOU IN WRITING -

THAT IS,
IF SHE KNOWS HOW TO WRITE!

LAST THING YOU SAID BEFORE YOU
BOUNCED OUT OF HERE THIS MORNING

WAS THAT YOU WERE NEVER GOING
TO DARKEN MY DOOR AGAIN.

HOW DARE SHE!

UM, IT'S THE STRESS.
SHE TAKES AFTER HER MOTHER.

LET ME IN!
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS A GIRL
WHO NOT ONLY HATES TO SAY NO

BUT HATES TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE
SAY NO.

NOT THAT I DOUBT
YOUR WORD, PAL,

BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT JUST EXACTLY WHAT WENT ON

BETWEEN YOU AND CYNTHIA
LAST NIGHT AND WHY.

I'LL FIGURE IT FOR YOU.

WE'D BEEN TO DINNER
AND TO A SHOW.

I BROUGHT HER HOME
ABOUT MIDNIGHT,

AND WE WENT STRAIGHT UP
THE ELEVATOR TO YOUR APARTMENT.

I SAID GOOD NIGHT TO HER
AT THE FRONT DOOR.

THEN I CAME BACK HERE.

FIVE MINUTES LATER,
CYNTHIA WAS BACK.

SHE SAID SHE FOUND YOU UP THERE
EXTREMELY TIGHT

AND WITH A YOUNG LADY.

YES, SHE WAS YOUNG.

CYNTHIA FOUND IT AMUSING,
TOO.

IT'S REALLY SAD.

ANYWAY, THAT'S WHY SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO GO BACK.

TOO DEGRADING?
NO.

SHE DIDN'T WANT
TO CRAMP YOUR STYLE.

SO SHE SLEPT IN MY BEDROOM,
AND I SLEPT HERE ON THE COUCH.

A GOOD TIME WAS NOT HAD BY ALL
LAST NIGHT.

LET ME JUST ASK YOU THIS -

UNDER CIRCUMSTANCES
SUCH AS YOU HAVE DESCRIBED,

WHY WOULD A YOUNG MAN LIKE YOU
WANT TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH?

APART FROM MORAL BARRIERS,
WHICH YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND,

HE MIGHT NOT WANT TO BE
COMMITTED.

CORRECT ME IF I'M MISTAKEN,

BUT WEREN'T YOU MORE OR LESS
ENGAGED TO HER?

THERE'S A MAJOR DISTINCTION

BETWEEN AN ENGAGEMENT
AND A COMMITMENT.

OH.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I WAS UNWILLING
TO LOSE THE INITIATIVE.

I'VE GIVEN IT
A LOT OF THOUGHT.

INTELLECTUAL CHARACTER,
AREN'T YOU?

WHEN YOU'RE CARRYING
THE BALL,

YOU DON'T LIKE TO LOSE IT
ON A FUMBLE IN A CASUAL BED.

WELL,
I'M NOT A FOOTBALL FAN,

BUT IS IT CUSTOMARY
FOR THE BALL CARRIER

TO FUNCTION ALSO
AS THE REFEREE?

WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE?

WHAT ARE YOU
FIGHTING ABOUT NOW - FOOTBALL?

YES.

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
AN INCOMPLETED PASS.

MMM.
SO FAR, SO GOOD.

IN FACT, DELICIOUS.

NO KETCHUP?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL GET IT.

LET HER FIND IT.
YOU'LL ONLY CONFUSE HER.

IT SEEMS A SHAME TO LET
THE POOR KID DO ALL THE WORK.

DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
WOMEN LOVE TO WORK.

HERE, LET ME DO IT.
I'M STRONGER.

WHY ARE MEN
SO HELPLESS?

HERE.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT.

David: OH, WELL, WE REALLY
SHOULD HAVE HAD CHAMPAGNE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING.
FORGIVE ME.

HERE YOU ARE.

AH. THANK YOU.

NOTHING SEEMS TO COME OUT
VERY MUCH.

MAYBE IT'S A BOTTLENECK.

YES.

OH!

OH,
YOU AND YOUR KETCHUP.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN AIMING IT
AT THE PLATE.

YOU BETTER DO THIS YOURSELF.

I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA,
PATTY.

I'LL LEND YOU A ROBE, AND THEN
YOU CAN TAKE YOUR DRESS OFF

AND CLEAN IT PROPERLY.

OKAY.

NOW, LOOK, SLATER -
YOU'VE CRASHED THE PARTY.

YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN.
WHY DON'T YOU BLOW?

AND LEAVE THAT POOR,
DEFENSELESS LITTLE GIRL

DOWN HERE WITH YOU,
HALF UNDRESSED?

I'D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

WELL, ISN'T THIS A GOOD DINNER
I'VE WHIPPED UP?

BEST I'VE EVER EATEN.

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK SO?

YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY
AND STAY MARRIED?

MY WIFE WAS A SOUTHERN GIRL -
CUTE LITTLE THING.

SHE MADE POPOVERS,
SUPERB POPOVERS.

I NEVER ATE LESS THAN THREE.

AND I ALWAYS SAID,
"SWELL POPOVERS"

AND "WONDERFUL POPOVERS"
AND FREQUENTLY "SOME POPOVERS!"

AND THEN
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER,

WHILE I WAS STILL
DIGESTING THEM,

SHE ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

"WEREN'T THOSE POPOVERS GOOD?"

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HAPPENED?

YOU DIVORCED HER.

NO, SHE DIVORCED ME -

EXTREME CRUELTY.

I HIT HER WITH A MUFFIN DISH.

YOU DIDN'T!

STAINLESS-STEEL MUFFIN DISH,

STILL WARM FROM POPOVERS,

RIGHT ACROSS THE BEHIND.

RAISED A WELT THAT LASTED FOR
WEEKS, ACCORDING TO HER LAWYER.

I WAS NEVER PRIVILEGED
TO SEE IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

WHY NOT?
HE'S JUST THE TYPE.

YOU STRUCK A WOMAN?

WHY, CERTAINLY.

IN FACT, I SELDOM STRIKE ANYONE
BUT A WOMAN.

OH, I'M NOT
THE BELLIGERENT TYPE.

I'M ALSO A COWARD.

NOW, DON'T BE TOO MODEST.

OCCASIONALLY,
YOU'LL STRIKE A SMALL MAN.

IF HE'S DEFENSELESS, YES.

WELL,
I THINK YOU'RE AWFUL.

I'M NOT SURPRISED
YOUR WIFE DIVORCED YOU.

THE SURPRISING THING IS THAT ANYONE
MARRIED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT DON'T YOU FIND I HAVE
A CERTAIN WEIRD CHARM?

YES,
THAT'S YOUR WHOLE TROUBLE.

YOU HAVE ENTIRELY
TOO MUCH CHARM.

AND IT CERTAINLY IS WEIRD.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

NOW, MY FORMER WIFE ALWAYS
- Shh! I WANT TO LISTEN.

HELLO?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

NO, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.

OKAY. IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO COME UP HERE,

GET RID
OF THAT LITTLE HUSSY.

NOW, NONE OF THAT, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, GET RID OF
THAT DEAR LITTLE GIRL

AND LET ME COME DOWN
AND SEE YOU.

ABSOLUTELY NOT -
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES.

All right, then.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SO HORRIBLE AND UNFEELING,

I'LL DROWN MYSELF
IN THE BATHTUB.

OH, STOP BEING
SO MELODRAMATIC.

You think I'm kidding?

Do you want to hear
the water?

THERE! CAN YOU HEAR IT!?

YES, BUT LISTEN.
NOW, DON'T DO -

So, will you at least
do this?

I CAN BE DRESSED
IN TWO MINUTES FLAT.

MEET ME IN THE LOBBY,

AND WE'LL GO AND HAVE
A LITTLE DRINK AT LUIGI'S,

JUST A TEENY LITTLE DRINK
FOR AULD LANG SYNE.

AND I SWEAR
I WON'T MAKE A SCENE.

All right,
but make it snappy.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, BUT I HAVE
TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO
ALL OF A SUDDEN?

I'LL BE BACK
IN 10 MINUTES.

YES, BUT YOU HAVEN'T
- OH, DON'T TRY TO STOP HIM.

HE'S NOT BEEN VERY ENTERTAINING
TONIGHT.

HE'S HARDLY SPOKEN A WORD.

SEVERAL WORDS
OCCURRED TO ME,

BUT THERE WAS A LADY
PRESENT.

WELL, IT DIDN'T TAKE YOU LONG
TO GET DRESSED.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
ALL THAT.

LET THE MAID DO IT.

NO, I LIKE TO TIDY UP.

CLEANLINESS
IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.

THAT SORT OF THING
DOES NOT APPEAL TO ME.

WHAT DOES APPEAL TO YOU?

STEAKS, LIQUOR, AND SEX -
IN THAT ORDER.

YOU'RE NOT NEARLY AS DEPRAVED
AS YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO THINK.

IN THAT CASE,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MARRY ME?

AND BE KNOCKED ABOUT
WITH MUFFIN PANS?

DON'T BE SILLY.

YES, IT WAS A MISTAKE TO TELL
YOU ABOUT THAT AT THIS POINT.

HOWEVER, YOU - YOU PROBABLY
HAVE AN IRISH TEMPER.

YOU MIGHT HIT BACK.

I'LL BE A LOT MORE CAREFUL
WITH YOU.

HOW ABOUT IT?

HOW ABOUT WHAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO MARRY ME?

WOULDN'T YOU FEEL FOOLISH
IF I SAID YES?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'D LIKE IT
VERY MUCH IF YOU SAID YES.

THAT'S REALLY
WHY I ASKED YOU.

I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU IF YOU WERE
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH.

THAT IS AN EMOTIONAL AND
ILL-CONSIDERED FIGURE OF SPEECH.

IF I WAS THE LAST MAN
ON EARTH

AND THERE WERE
A MILLION WOMEN LEFT,

YOU'D BE FIGHTING TOOTH AND CLAW
WITH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM

FOR THE PRIVILEGE
OF BECOMING MY MATE.

YOU'D BE PANTING
TO REPOPULATE THE WORLD.

DON'T KID YOURSELF.

YOUR LOYALTY
TO THE HUMAN RACE

WOULD OVERCOME
YOUR PREJUDICE AGAINST ME.

YOU'RE COMPLETELY WRONG.

I DON'T THINK THE HUMAN RACE
IS SO HOT.

AND I'M NOT PREJUDICED
AGAINST YOU.

DO YOU HEAR A DOG BARKING?

I CERTAINLY DO.

IT'S THAT BLASTED ANIMAL
OF CYNTHIA'S.

OH, THAT BLASTED DOG.
LOOK.

OH, COME, NOW.
BE REASONABLE.

A LITTLE DOG LIKE THAT
COULDN'T POSSIBLY...

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU BETTER TAKE
YOUR SHOES OFF.

YOU'RE GONNA GET
AWFULLY WET.

IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA GO
WADING AROUND IN THERE,

YOU'RE CRAZY.

OF COURSE, THE ESKIMOS
ARE THE ONLY CIVILIZED RACE.

WHY?

THEY HAVE THE GOOD SENSE TO SELL
THEIR DAUGHTERS AT BIRTH.

I WISH
I COULD EXPOSE CYNTHIA

TO A GIRL
OF YOUR INCOMPARABLE NEATNESS.

YOU'RE QUITE SURE YOU WON'T, UH,
CHANGE YOUR MIND AND MARRY ME?

QUITE SURE.

OH, ISN'T THAT CUTE?

IN A RATHER NAUSEATING WAY,
YES.

WELL,
GET ME SOME MORE TOWELS.

WELL, THERE ARE PLENTY
IN THE HALL.

ABOUT THAT PROPOSAL
OF MINE -

IF YOU'RE A STICKLER
FOR TRADITION,

I'LL BE ONLY TOO HAPPY
TO GO DOWN ON MY KNEES,

AS SOON AS YOU'VE MOPPED UP
COMPLETELY.

DO YOU GO AROUND
ASKING STRANGERS TO MARRY YOU?

NO.

I'VE ASKED
A FEW CHANCE ACQUAINTANCES

IF THEY'D LIKE TO LIVE WITH ME
WITHOUT BENEFIT OF CLERGY.

WELL,
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A POPULAR
THEORY THAT NICE LITTLE GIRLS

ARE ALWAYS LED ASTRAY
BY MIDDLE-AGED PLAYBOYS.

THAT ISN'T SO.

ONLY PLAYBOYS

HAVE AN INSTINCTIVE RESPECT
FOR INNOCENCE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE VERY SWEET...

AND PROBABLY A BIT DRUNK.

NO,
I'M COMPARATIVELY SOBER.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
YOU MUST BE CRAZY.

WHY?
YOU'RE ON RECORD AS SAYING

YOU WANTED TO MARRY A
WELL-HEELED MAN OF MATURE YEARS.

I'M 41.

WELL, ONE WOULDN'T KNOW IT.
YOU ACT LIKE AN ADOLESCENT.

IT SHOULD BE
AN IRRESISTIBLE COMBINATION.

YOU COULD MOTHER ME.

NO, THANKS.

YOU COULD MOTHER CYNTHIA,
THEN.

OH, SURE.
SHE'D JUST LOVE THAT.

I'M ALL
OF THREE YEARS OLDER.

IF SHE AND DON GOT TOGETHER,
YOU COULD BE HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW.

DOES THAT APPEAL TO YOU?

YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULDN'T JOKE ABOUT IT.

MARRIAGE
IS MUCH TOO SERIOUS.

AND, ANYWAY, YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

I KNOW ENOUGH.

YOU'RE INTELLIGENT
AND EFFICIENT.

YOU'RE INFECTIOUSLY YOUNG
AND GAY.

YOU HAVE AN ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT.
YOU'RE AN EXCELLENT COOK.

YOU HAVE A CHARMING FACE
AND FIGURE

AND, UH, ADMIRABLE LEGS.

GO ON.

THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH FOR YOU.
IT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD
ABOUT LOVE.

THERE ARE ALTOGETHER
TOO MANY WORDS SAID ABOUT LOVE.

NEVERTHELESS,
A GIRL LIKES TO HEAR THEM.

FROM SOMEBODY LIKE DON,
MAYBE?

WHO KNOWS?

BUT YOU TOLD US BOTH
YOU WERE LOOKING

FOR SOME NICE,
MIDDLE-AGED CHARACTER

WHO WOULD APPRECIATE YOU.

YES, BUT A GIRL
WANTS TO BE HAPPY, TOO.

WELL, I HAVE AN INFINITE
CAPACITY FOR MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY.

WITH MUFFIN PANS?

ENDED THE UNION
WITH ONE CLEAN BLOW.

SHE MARRIED A RICH BRAZILIAN
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.

HAPPY AS A CLAM NOW.
GOT A HANDSOME SETTLEMENT, TOO.

WELL,
NOW WE CAN GO DOWNSTAIRS.

YOU CAN GO DOWNSTAIRS
IF YOU WANT TO.

I AM VERY HAPPY UP HERE.

OH, COME ON.

YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY UP HERE
ALONE.

I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST INTENTION
OF BEING ALONE.

IF YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE,

I SHALL PROBABLY CALL UP
A DAME I KNOW

AND ASK HER TO COME OVER.

DON'T SAY, "DAME." IT'S VULGAR.
AT LEAST SAY, "GIRL."

WELL, THIS GIRL
IS QUITE VULGAR.

IN THE SENSE THAT SHE'S EARTHY
AND UNINHIBITED,

BY COMMON DEFINITION,

SHE'S ESSENTIALLY A DAME
RATHER THAN A GIRL.

SHE'S A LOT OF FUN.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER
TO MARRY YOU?

BECAUSE SHE'D LOSE
ALL RESPECT FOR ME

IF I MADE SUCH
AN IDIOTIC SUGGESTION.

WHY? ARE YOU RECONSIDERING
MY PROPOSAL?

THE OFFER'S STILL OPEN.

IT'S VERY STRANGE.

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE REALLY HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE SHALLOW
AND CYNICAL

AND SELFISH AND IMMORAL
AND COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.

AND I LIKE YOU.
I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH.

ENOUGH TO MARRY ME?
NO.

BUT I COULD PROBABLY DO
A LOT WORSE -

A LOT WORSE.

ARE YOU RICH?

I'M FAIRLY RICH.

NO, LET'S FACE IT -
I AM RICH, PERIOD.

I'VE NEVER DONE
A DAY'S WORK,

AND IF I NEVER DO, I'LL ALWAYS
HAVE A FAIRLY LARGE INCOME,

EVEN AFTER TAXES, WON'T I?

I'VE OFTEN WONDERED
WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE

TO BE EVEN FAIRLY RICH.

SO MANY OF THE GIRLS I KNOW
MARRY JUST FOR SECURITY.

IT'S A TERRIFIC TEMPTATION.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MUCH MONEY

I HAVE IN THE WORLD
AT THE MOMENT?

YES, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE $7.43
IN CASH

AND A BANKBOOK THAT SHOWS
NO BALANCE WHATSOEVER.

OH, I'M NOT PSYCHIC.

I LOOKED IN YOUR PURSE
WHILE YOU WERE FIXING DINNER.

WELL,
THAT WASN'T VERY ETHICAL.

WELL, I NEVER CLAIMED
TO BE ETHICAL.

YOU KNOW, NEXT TUESDAY,

I'M DOING A TELEVISION SHOW...
MAYBE.

AND I'LL GET $62.50.

AND WITH THE 7-

AND WITH THE 7 BUCKS I'VE GOT,
I'LL HAVE ALMOST $70.

ONCE -
ONCE I HAD OVER $200.

FOR A WHOLE WEEK I HAD IT.

THAT'S ONE THING YOU MISS
BEING RICH.

WHAT'S THAT?

TERRIFIC THRILL OF KNOWING
YOU'VE GOT OVER $200.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

JUST FEEL LIKE GOING OUT
AND SPIT IN SOMEBODY'S EYE.

I WON $600 THE OTHER NIGHT
IN A GIN GAME.

HOW WONDERFUL.
WEREN'T YOU THRILLED TO DEATH?

NO.

OH, DON'T BE SO BLASé.
YOU CAN'T BE THAT RICH.

WHAT I MEANT WAS
I WAS JUST 600 BUCKS AHEAD.

AND NOW I ASK MYSELF,
"AHEAD OF WHAT?"

I HAVE IT HERE -

6 CRISP NEW $100 BILLS.

YOU'RE A DOPE TO CARRY
SO MUCH MONEY AROUND.

I LOST A PURSE ONCE
WITH OVER $20 IN IT.

I WAS SICK FOR WEEKS.

PATTY, I'D LIKE VERY MUCH
TO GIVE YOU THIS $600.

YOU MUST BE CRAZY.

DO YOU ACCEPT IT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

WELL, WHY SHOULD YOU GIVE ME
THERE ARE NO STRINGS $600?.

I TOLD YOU, I GOT NO GREAT KICK
OUT OF WINNING IT.

GIVE ME THE KICK I MISSED
BY ACCEPTING IT.

LOOK,
I CAN'T TAKE MONEY FROM -

THERE ARE NO STRINGS TO IT.

HOW MUCH IS 40 INTO 600?

15. WHY?

THAT'S WHAT I AVERAGE -
$40 A WEEK.

GOSH.
15 WEEKS OF SECURITY.

SOLD?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I'VE NEVER TAKEN MONEY
FROM A MAN.

I WON IT FROM A VERY UNPLEASANT,
RUTHLESS CAPITALIST

WHO GRINDS THE FACES
OF THE POOR.

SOLD?

IT'S A TERRIFIC TEMPTATION.

WOULD YOU THINK ME A DOPE
IF I SAID NO?

YES, I WOULD,
BUT DOPES WHO SAID NO

HAVE CONTRIBUTED QUITE A BIT
TO HUMAN DIGNITY, SUCH AS IT IS.

WELL,
I SUPPOSE IT'D BE CRAZY NOT TO.

I- I MEAN,
IT'S A FORTUNE.

I WAS JUST WONDERING.

WELL, IF PEOPLE KNEW THAT -

PERSONALLY,
I DON'T INTEND TO TELL A SOUL.

AND THINK OF ALL THOSE EYES
YOU CAN SPIT IN.

OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT.

GOOD FOR YOU.

GOSH, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVEN SEEN ONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M COMPLETELY
AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

WELL, THAT'S BAD. THAT'S ALMOST
UNPRECEDENTED FOR YOU.

I KNOW.

I DO TALK A LOT,
BUT - BUT THIS,

WELL, JUST TO SAY, "I THANK YOU"
SOUNDS SO -

IT SOUNDS SO SILLY.

IT SOUNDED OKAY TO ME
THE WAY YOU SAID IT.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH,
JUST "THANK YOU."

15 WEEKS OF SECURITY
FOR FREE.

I- I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.

I'M WELL REPAID ALREADY.

BY WHAT?

BY YOUR LOOK
OF WHOLESOME RAPTURE.

YOU KNOW,
THERE ARE STRINGS ON MY SIDE.

WHAT SORT OF STRINGS?

GRATITUDE, AFFECTION,

A TERRIFIC DESIRE TO REPAY YOU
SOMEDAY SOMEHOW.

BUT IT'S A GIFT,
NOT A LOAN.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN
BY STRINGS.

YOU WIPE OUT A LOAN
WHEN YOU PAY IT BACK.

FOR A GIFT,
YOU'RE ALWAYS BEHOLDEN.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM
YOU AGAIN IN PERSON, BY MAIL,

BY TELEPHONE,
OR BY CARRIER PIGEON.

IS THAT CLEAR?

AND THAT LITTLE GIRL THAT
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING CRACKS ABOUT

IS WORTH AT LEAST 50
OF YOU.

Patty: OH, BOY.

WHEN I SHOW THIS TO VICKY
AND TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED,

SHE'S GONNA FALL OVER
IN A DEAD FAINT.

YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'LL MISUNDERSTAND?

$600? NOBODY CAN MISUNDERSTAND
THAT MUCH.

BESIDES, VICKY KNOWS I DON'T
GO IN FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

SHE'S A GOOD GIRL, TOO.

THAT'S WHY WE ROOM TOGETHER.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT PRINCETON
MAN WITH THE CADILLAC

AND THE HIGH DRAMATIC
SCRUPLES?

ALL VERY SAD AND HOPELESS.

THEY JUST GO TO VERY MUSHY
MOVIES ONCE IN A WHILE

AND HOLD HANDS.

HIS WIFE
HAS VERY LOW BLOOD PRESSURE.

OR MAYBE IT'S VERY HIGH.

WELL, ANYWAY,
SHE'S NOT VERY HEALTHY.

WELL, HE DOESN'T SOUND
TOO ROBUST HIMSELF.

OH, YOU.

AND THOSE PEOPLE
ARE ACTUALLY -

WELL, ANYWAY,
I THINK YOU'RE AWFUL.

THERE.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY
YOU SAID THAT.

WHY?

IT WAS PATRONIZING, INDULGENT,
AND MATERNAL.

WELL, YOU OFFERED TO LET ME
MOTHER YOU.

DIDN'T YOU WANT ME
TO KISS YOU?

YES, I WANTED YOU TO KISS ME
VERY MUCH INDEED,

BUT WITHOUT THE "THERE."

OH, YOU'RE TOO FUSSY.

WELL, NOT AT ALL.

YOU'D HAVE FELT PRETTY SILLY
IF I'D SAID, "THERE."

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

OKAY, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

IS THAT BETTER?

NOT APPRECIABLY.

WHY? IT WASN'T PATRONIZING
OR MATERNAL.

I THOUGHT IT WAS RATHER
ON THE DAUGHTERLY SIDE.

WASN'T GIVING ME ALL THAT MONEY
ON THE FATHERLY SIDE?

DON'T BE SO LOGICAL.

THAT'S NOT BECOMING
TO THE YOUNG.

WELL, ANYWAY, YOU'RE SWEET.

WELL...

NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

WELL... WELL, GEE.

WELL - WELL, GOSH,
Y- YOU DID GET WET.

W- W-WHAT WERE YOU DOING,
STANDING IN THE RAIN?

ISN'T THIS COZY?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE'S WORTH AT LEAST 50 OF ME.

CYNTHIA, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

BUT, DADDY,
YOU MIGHT NEED A REFEREE.

CYNTHIA!

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU SAY SO, DADDY.

SHE WENT.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER
THAN TO LEAVE YOU -

NOW, LET'S NOT BE HASTY.

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS
WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE.

I'VE GOT EYES IN MY HEAD.
IT WAS VERY OBVIOUS.

WELL, THE OBVIOUS
IS FREQUENTLY MISLEADING.

NOW,
YOU TAKE LITTLE PATTY HERE.

YOU TAKE HER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

WE HAVE HIS BLESSING.

OH, STOP BEING SO STUFFY
AND SO HORRIBLE.

OKAY, SO YOU FOUND ME SITTING
ON HIS KNEE AND KISSING HIM.

IS THAT SO AWFUL?
MY GOSH.

I SWEAR, I'M NEVER GONNA KISS
A MAN AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

THAT MIGHT BE
AN EXCELLENT RESOLVE FOR YOU.

NEVER FAILS.
IT ALWAYS MESSES THINGS UP.

AND HOW.

OH, DON, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED,

WHY WE CAME UP HERE?

DOES IT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
HOW OR WHY?

WELL, I THINK IT MIGHT.

YOU SEE, MR. SLATER
ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

HE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM?

YES.

OH, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
MY TELLING HIM THAT.

THAT'S NONE
OF HIS DARN BUSINESS.

FORGIVE ME IF I INTERRUPTED
THIS TOUCHING PROPOSAL.

OH, HE PROPOSED AGES AGO.
OH, SURE -

BY THE COUCH ON HIS KNEES,
I SUPPOSE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM,

AND HE DID OFFER
TO GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES.

DIDN'T YOU, MR. SLATER?
SCOUT'S HONOR.

WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THAT
STEAK SAUCE - YOHIMBINE?

I HOPE YOU BOTH
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

OH, POOR DON.
WHAT MUST HE THINK?

IT'S HARD TO TELL WITH SUCH
A CLEAN-MINDED YOUNG MAN.

THEY CAN THINK
OF THE VILEST THINGS.

GOSH.

NOW HE PROBABLY THINKS
I- I'M JUST A LITTLE TRAMP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BUT I DO.

H- HE STILL
DOESN'T KNOW WHY

I WAS SITTING ON YOUR KNEE
AND KISSING YOU.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE,
YOU WON'T TELL HIM.

CAN I BORROW THIS?

BY ALL MEANS.

WELL, I JUST DON'T WANT HIM
TO THINK THAT I'M A PUSHOVER.

DO YOU THINK
THAT'S WHAT HE BELIEVES NOW?

WELL, I WOULDN'T BLAME HIM.
HE HAS REASONS FOR SUSPICION.

TAKE MY ADVICE
AND LET THEM LURK.

WHAT?
SUSPICIONS, MY CHILD.

SUSPICIONS -
THE LURKING DOUBT.

"IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?

"DOES SHE OR DOESN'T SHE?

WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE?"

SUSPICION - THE MOST POWERFUL
APHRODISIAC IN THE WORLD.

GESUNDHEIT.

THANK YOU.

KLEENEX?

THANKS.

WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT,
STANDING IN THE RAIN LIKE THAT?

WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU AND
CYNTHIA TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY?

ABOUT YOU, MOSTLY.

ME?

YES, I TOLD CYNTHIA
EXACTLY HOW WE MET

AND HOW YOU CAME UP HERE
AND OFFERED TO FIX DINNER

AND... WHAT A NICE KID
YOU SEEMED TO BE.

DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT,
DID SHE?

SHE SAID,
"I THINK I KNOW THE TYPE.

SOUNDS LIKE
A PROFESSIONAL VIRGIN."

WELL, WHAT AN AWFUL THING
TO SAY!

I THOUGHT SO, TOO.

WE HAD QUITE A FIGHT
ABOUT IT.

AND? GO ON.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ALL THERE WAS
TO IT.

I CERTAINLY DIDN'T EXPECT
TO COME BACK

AND FIND YOU UP THERE -

NECKING WITH MR. SLATER?

NOBODY SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT NECKING.

YOU WERE GETTING ALONG WITH HIM
PRETTY WELL, WEREN'T YOU?

YES, HE'S ADORABLE.

TOO BAD YOU HAD TO BARGE IN
JUST AT THAT TENDER MOMENT.

HOW I WISH AL SMITH
HAD STUCK TO POLITICS.

WHO?

AL SMITH.

WHO'S HE?

HE BUILT
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

OH. I SEE.

OF COURSE,
IT REALLY ISN'T HIS FAULT.

WE MIGHT HAVE MET ANYWHERE.

DO YOU GO AROUND KISSING
EVERY TOM, DICK, AND HARRY?

YES. YES, ALWAYS.

YOU WERE KISSING HIM?

YES. YES, I WAS.

A PERFECT STRANGER.

RUBBISH!
HE HAD DINNER WITH US.

I'VE KNOWN HIM ALMOST AS LONG
AS I'VE KNOWN YOU.

I SUPPOSE
HE MADE LOVE TO YOU.

OF COURSE -
VIOLENT LOVE.

HOW CAN YOU DOUBT IT?
I DON'T.

TO YOUR PICKUP,
WEARING YOUR ROBE,

AND DIGESTING YOUR DINNER.

OH, DON,
LET'S BE SENSIBLE.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO TELL YOU

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
AFTER YOU LEFT?

OH, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE ANYWAY?

IT JUST SEEMS A PITY,
THAT'S ALL.

I REALLY THOUGHT
YOU WERE A NICE GIRL.

I REALLY DID.

AND NOW YOU DON'T?

AND NOW I DON'T.

WELL,
MR. SLATER DOES STILL.

I THINK THAT'S WHY HE ASKED ME
TO MARRY HIM.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?

I DON'T BELIEVE HE EVER
ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM.

I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT
WHEN YOU FIRST TOLD ME

OR WHEN YOU ASKED HIM
TO CONFIRM IT OR NOW.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I KNOW DAVID SLATER.
HE'S NOT THE TYPE.

NOW,
IF YOU'D TOLD ME SLATER

HAD ASKED YOU
TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HIM,

THAT I COULD BELIEVE.

WELL,
I THINK YOU'RE HORRIBLE.

DON'T BOTHER TO CRY.

CYNTHIA TIPPED ME OFF
TO THAT GAG, TOO.

SHE SAID PROFESSIONAL VIRGINS
- I'M GOING.

OKAY.

BACK UPSTAIRS TO SLATER'S?

YES. YES, I AM.

UNFINISHED BUSINESS?

YES.

YOUR NAME DONALD GRESHAM?

THAT'S RIGHT.

SAY, WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE,

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU CAN'T COME BARGING
INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES LIKE THIS.

WHO ARE YOU?

HEY, WAIT!
DON'T COME IN!

GOOD EVENING.
MR. GRESHAM IN?

NO, SIR.
HE'S OUT -

OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

SO SHE KILLED HIM.

WITH MY ELECTRIC IRON.

POP?!

POP, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

OH, YOU DID THIS?

ANY PARTICULAR REASON?

I'VE DONE MY DUTY,
AS ANY FATHER WOULD.

DID YOU BREAK HIS NECK?

HE'S COMING TO.

23 YEARS ON THE FORCE TAUGHT ME
JUST HOW HARD TO HIT A MAN.

LEAVE HIM BE!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OF COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.
POP, THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK.

HOW ON EARTH DID YOU KNOW
I WAS HERE?

DID YOU SEND FOR HIM
OR SOMETHING?

ME?
OH, HEAVEN FORBID.

WELL, THEN, HOW ON EARTH -

'TWAS BY THE GRACE OF GOD
I TELEPHONED YOUR APARTMENT.

YOUR ROOMMATE TOLD ME
WHERE I COULD FIND YOU.

OH, THAT VICKY!

WHY CAN'T SHE KEEP
HER BIG MOUTH SHUT?

VISITING A BACHELOR
IN HIS APARTMENT.

OH, POP, PLEASE.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE WASN'T TRYING TO -

I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD,

BUT, WELL, CAN'T YOU REALIZE
DON WOULD NEVER DO A THING -

HE'S AN ARCHITECT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
WE'RE GOING NOW.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU
THAT THE WAGES OF SIN ARE -

POP, PLEASE.
NOT HERE, NOT NOW.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,
SIR.

WOULDN'T YOU HAVE DONE
WHAT I DID

IF YOU HAD FOUND YOUR DAUGHTER
IN A MAN'S BEDROOM?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION,
MR. O'NEILL -

A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

BUT, POP, WE CAN'T -
HERE!

WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM
LYING THERE LIKE THAT.

HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
QUIET!

LET THE GENTLEMAN
TAKE CARE OF HIM.

WELL, MR. SLATER,
DO SOMETHING.

FEAR NOT, PAL.

THE AVENGING FATHER
HAS GONE,

TAKING HIS LITTLE DAUGHTER
WITH HIM.

WELL,
THAT'S A GRISLY-LOOKING EYE.

OH, IT WAS
THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

DON'T LOOK TO ME
FOR SYMPATHY.

YOU DESERVED EVERY BIT OF IT
IN SPADES.

WHAT?

I'M SORRY IF YOU'RE IN PAIN,
OF COURSE,

BUT LET'S BE FAIR ABOUT IT -
YOU HAD IT COMING TO YOU.

O'NEILL WAS PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED
IN WHAT HE DID.

HE -

OH, I WISH YOU'D DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE-LOOKING EYE.

I CAN HARDLY BEAR
TO LOOK AT IT.

I'LL HAVE HIM KICKED OFF
THE POLICE FORCE,

THAT IMBECILE FLATFOOT.

MAY BE AN IMBECILE,
HE MAY BE A FLATFOOT,

BUT HE'S HER FATHER.

HAD EVERY JUSTIFICATION
FOR KILLING YOU.

SO DID I, FOR THAT MATTER,
ON BEHALF OF CYNTHIA.

WELL, THERE'S NO CLOSED SEASON
FOR SEDUCERS.

THE UNWRITTEN LAW
PROTECTS US FATHERS.

UNWRITTEN LAW?
WHY, YOU -

I GRANT YOU, IF SOMEONE
WOULD JUST WRITE IT DOWN,

MORE PEOPLE WOULD KNOW
WHERE THEY STAND,

BUT THE PRINCIPLE'S SOUND -

MAN HAS THE RIGHT
TO PROTECT HIS DAUGHTER.

DUTY TO PROTECT,
YOU MIGHT ALMOST SAY.

YES, SIR, THAT GOOD, SIMPLE MAN
TAUGHT ME A LESSON -

A GREAT MORAL LESSON.

GO AWAY.
GET OUT OF HERE.

MY POOR LITTLE CYNTHIA,
MY DAUGHTER.

WHAT SHE MUST HAVE SUFFERED
AT YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
NOW, GO AWAY.

DON'T BE SO CYNICAL.

THERE'S MORE JOY IN HEAVEN
OVER ONE SINNER THAT REPENTED -

REPENTED...
IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT.

♪ DRINK TO ME ONLY
WITH CHLORO-FOAM BEER ♪

♪ AND I'LL NOT ASK FOR WINE ♪

♪ CHLORO-FOAM BEER IS AS CLEAR
AS THE STRATOSPHERE ♪

♪ DRINK IT EACH TIME YOU DINE ♪

YES, WHO IS IT?

♪ IT'S GOOD IN A GLASS,
IT'S GOOD IN A CAN ♪

YES, CYNTHIA.
MY POOR EYE IS IN GREAT SHAPE.

NOW, PLEASE DON'T CALL AGAIN.

YES, I'VE TRIED COMPRESSES -
HOT, COLD, AND LUKEWARM.

♪... AND GOOD IN THE FALL... ♪

OF COURSE I'M ALONE.

♪... AND THE GOOD OLD
SUMMERTIME ♪

I'M TRYING TO WATCH TELEVISION.

NO, I CAN SEE IT VERY WELL
WITH MY GOOD EYE.

NOW, PLEASE HANG UP, OR I WILL.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, MY GOSH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I WANT?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT ABOUT?

WELL, I CERTAINLY CAN'T TELL YOU
IN TWO SECONDS FLAT,

AND I CAN'T DO IT STANDING
OUT HERE IN THE HALL.

WHY CAN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

I JUST CAME BACK TO ASK YOU
EXACTLY WHAT CYNTHIA MEANT

WHEN SHE CALLED ME
A PROFESSIONAL VIRGIN.

Shh!

THIS IS NO TIME
TO BE CALLING ON PEOPLE.

I KNOW.

I'D HAVE BEEN
BACK HERE EARLIER,

BUT IT TOOK ME SUCH A LONG TIME
TO GET RID OF MY FATHER.

WE HAD THE MOST AWFUL ROW.
HE WAS LIVID.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM.

I DID.
I CAUGHT THE FIRST SHOW.

OH, THAT'S
A DREADFUL-LOOKING EYE.

POP SAID FOR ME
TO TELL YOU -

THE LESS I HEAR ABOUT YOUR
FATHER, THE BETTER I'LL LIKE IT.

I'VE READ ABOUT
POLICE BRUTALITY,

BUT IT'S NEVER HIT ME
IN THE EYE BEFORE.

YOU'RE DRIBBLING
ALL DOWN YOUR ROBE.

HERE, LET ME FIX THAT.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.
IT'S OKAY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT
SOME RAW STEAK ON IT.

IF YOU HADN'T INVITED SLATER
TO DINNER,

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SOME STEAK
LEFT FOR ME TO PUT ON IT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY MY FATHER
SLUGGED YOU,

BUT, WELL, HE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED
MAN, AND HE DID HIS DUTY.

OH, THAT'S
A GHASTLY-LOOKING EYE.

IT'S JUST
AN OLD-FASHIONED SHINER

FROM
AN OLD-FASHIONED FATHER,

AND I SHALL CHERISH IT
AS SUCH FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

NOW, IT'S GETTING LATE.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

WELL, DON'T GLARE AT ME
LIKE THAT.

WHEN YOU LOOK SO ANGRY, I CAN'T
POSSIBLY DISCUSS WHY I CAME.

I'M WILLING
TO FOREGO ANY DISCUSSION.

IN FACT, I'M WILLING
TO WRITE THE WHOLE THING OFF

AS A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.

THE WHOLE THING?

FROM BEGINNING TO END.

YES? WHO IS IT?

Darling, have you tried
sulfuric acid in your eye?

CYNTHIA, WILL YOU PLEASE,
FOR THE SWEET LOVE OF HEAVEN,

STOP TELEPHONING ME?
But I only want to -

Cynthia, you are to hang
up at once. But, Daddy.

Very well.
If you refuse to obey me...

WHAT DID SHE WANT?

SHE WAS OVERCOME WITH CONCERN
ABOUT MY EYE.

AT THIS HOUR?

MAY I REMIND YOU

THAT YOU ALSO CAME, IN PERSON,
AT THIS HOUR?

YOU'RE TIRED, AREN'T YOU?

I'VE HAD A HARD DAY.

IF CYNTHIA CAME DOWN NOW
AND CRIED OVER YOU A LITTLE

AND FUSSED OVER
YOUR EYE A BIT,

I BET YOU TWO WOULD
- LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT CYNTHIA.

WELL, SHE CALLED ME
A PROFESSIONAL VIRGIN.

THAT'S WHAT I CAME BACK
TO TALK ABOUT.

NOT CYNTHIA -
DON'T WORRY -

IT WAS A RATHER UNFORTUNATE
PHRASE, AND I WAS MAD.

MAY I ASK, WHY DOES CYNTHIA
OBJECT TO VIRGINS?

LOOK,
NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

COULD SERIOUSLY OBJECT
TO BEING CALLED A VIRGIN.

OKAY, BUT IT'S THIS
"PROFESSIONAL" THAT MAKES ME MAD.

I'D LIKE
TO HAVE THAT EXPLAINED.

IT'S NOT NECESSARY
TO ADVERTISE IT.

THAT'S REALLY
ALL THE PHRASE MEANS.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ADVERTISING?

PEOPLE WHO ADVERTISE ARE ANXIOUS
TO SELL SOMETHING.

OH.

OH, I SEE.
I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

MAYBE I DO YAP ABOUT IT
TOO MUCH.

WELL, THEN, QUIT YAPPING
ABOUT IT.

OKAY.
FROM NOW ON, I WILL.

DON,
DO YOU BELIEVE IN FATE?

WHAT?

I MEAN, I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

IF IT HADN'T RAINED
LIKE CRAZY

AND YOU'D JUST TAKEN ME OUT
TO DINNER AS WE PLANNED.

WE'D HAVE PROBABLY HAD
A MUCH MORE CONVENTIONAL DATE.

YES. JUST STARTED OFF
ON THE WRONG FOOT, I GUESS.

ANYWAY, DON'T THINK -

OH, MY GOODNESS.

That wouldn't be your father
again, would it?

I don't know.

Hey! Psst! In here.

Stay here
and don't make a sound.

Okay.

OH, NO. NOT YOU AGAIN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

I CERTAINLY DO.

IT'S NO TIME FOR YOU
AND CYNTHIA

TO BE CHITCHATTING
OVER THE TELEPHONE.

I THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN
RIGHT AWAY AND TELL YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER?

SHE'S BEEN CALLING ME
EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

I CAN'T GET TO FIRST BASE
WITH HER.

SHE LAUGHS AT ME,
DEFIES ME.

I'M HOARSE FROM TALKING
TO THAT GIRL.

MOREOVER,
I'M RUNNING OUT OF MATERIAL.

ISN'T THIS RATHER BELATED, YOUR
MAKING A NOISE LIKE A FATHER?

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT CYNTHIA SAID.

STOPPED ME COLD.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

LOOK, I WANT TO GO TO BED.
GO AWAY.

PLEASE GO AWAY.

THAT'S WHAT I PLAN TO DO -
GO AWAY, GO FAR AWAY.

I'VE DECIDED TO TAKE CYNTHIA
DOWN TO BRAZIL,

DOWN TO HER MOTHER.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
THAT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA.

DO CYNTHIA GOOD
TO LEARN PORTUGUESE.

KEEP HER OUT OF MISCHIEF.
YEAH.

SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
OF IT YEARS AGO. YEAH.

THINK I'LL MAKE THE RESERVATIONS
RIGHT NOW.

MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?

YOU'VE GOT A PHONE
IN YOUR OWN PLACE.

WELL, I HAD A PHONE
IN MY OWN PLACE,

BUT WHEN CYNTHIA CALLED YOU UP
AGAIN JUST NOW,

I RIPPED THE WHOLE CONTRAPTION
RIGHT OUT OF THE WALL.

ONLY WAY I COULD FIGURE
TO KEEP HER INCOMMUNICADO.

IF MORE FATHERS HAD RIPPED
MORE PHONES OUT OF MORE WALLS,

MORE DAUGHTERS
WOULDN'T GET INTO TROUBLE.

IT'S ONLY A LOCAL CALL.

OKAY. OKAY.
MAKE IT SNAPPY.

YOU WOULDN'T BY ANY CHANCE

HAVE THE NUMBER
TO PAN AMERICAN, WOULD YOU?

NO.

NEVER MIND.
I'LL GET IT FROM INFORMATION.

YOU GOT A PARTY LINE?

NO.

OH, YOU LOWDOWN, NO-GOOD,
LYING HYPOCRITICAL -

I'LL BET YOU'VE GOT THAT GIRL
IN THERE RIGHT NOW.

NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT TO -
SHE ISN'T -

PATTY?

Patty: OH, JUST A SEC.
I'M ON THE PHONE.

OKAY.
WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE.

I TOLD HER TO HIDE IN THERE.
SHE WAS JUST LEAVING.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHO WAS AT THE DOOR,

AND I-I DIDN'T WANT
TO SEE HER EMBARRASSED.

OH, YOU PILLAR OF VIRTUE.

I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU.
YOU REALLY FOOLED ME.

WELL,
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT DOESN'T THAT HOMICIDAL
FATHER OF HERS

DAMPEN YOUR ARDOR AT ALL?

HE'D SCARE THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS
OUT OF ME, I CAN TELL YOU.

LOOK, SLATER,
YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.

PATTY JUST DROPPED BY
FOR A MOMENT

IN HER OWN
UNIQUE FASHION -

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU AND I
STOP TRYING TO KID EACH OTHER?

I'M NOT SITTING IN MORAL
JUDGMENT ON YOU OR ON HER.

I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED,
MAYBE A LITTLE DISILLUSIONED.

IT'S A PITY BECAUSE SHE SEEMED
LIKE SUCH A NICE KID.

WELL,
JUST TELL HER FOR ME

I HAD HOPED SHE MIGHT HAVE
WAITED AT LEAST 15 WEEKS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

SHE'LL UNDERSTA-

SHE CERTAINLY WILL.

HOW DARE YOU SAY A THING
LIKE THAT?!

YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS DON.

I DIDN'T THINK
YOU WOULD HAVE ANY DOUBTS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
"RESPECT FOR INNOCENCE"?

IN SPITE OF ALL APPEARANCES,
I FEEL IT COMING ON AGAIN.

SLATER, WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE
AND GO TO YOUR OWN APARTMENT?

YOU LEAVE HIM TO ME.

I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED TELLING
HIM WHAT I THINK OF HIM YET.

NOW, CALM DOWN.

DON'T SAY OR DO ANYTHING
YOU MIGHT REGRET LATER.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK
I MAY HAVE JUMPED

TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION.

YOU SAID THERE WERE NO STRINGS,
AND I THOUGHT YOU MEANT IT.

I DID.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.

I DON'T BELIEVE
IT WOULD HAVE ENTERED YOUR MIND

THAT THERE MIGHT BE
ANYTHING WRONG

IF I HADN'T TAKEN
ALL THAT MONEY.

MONEY? WHAT MONEY?

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN IT,
AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT BACK.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

I'M TALKING TO MR. SLATER
ABOUT THE MONEY HE GAVE ME.

WELL, WHAT IN BLAZES
DID HE GIVE YOU MONEY FOR?

I DON'T KNOW. ASK HIM.
I DON'T KNOW.

YOU GAVE HER MONEY?

YOU HAVE A GENIUS

FOR SAYING THE WRONG THING
AT THE WRONG TIME.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD
A GREAT CAREER

IN THE DIPLOMATIC SERVICE.

THAT'S WHY I WAS KISSING HIM.

I WAS THANKING HIM FOR A GIFT,
A GIFT OF $600.

$600?

SAID HE WON IT PLAYING GIN
WITH A-A BLOATED CAPITALIST

WHO GRINDS THE FACES
OF THE POOR.

WELL, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

HE WON THAT FROM ME.

JUST LAST WEEK,
HE TOOK IT.

I'M STILL BLEEDING.
THAT WAS MY 600 BUCKS.

OKAY. THEN YOU TAKE IT.

DON'T BE A DOPE.
IT'S HIS DOUGH.

I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE IT BACK,
MR. SLATER, PLEASE.

BOY SCOUTS ARE EXPECTED TO DO
A GOOD DEED EVERY DAY.

THEY MUST HAVE
A DREADFUL LIFE.

I WONDER WHY IT IS
THAT YOUNG MEN

ARE ALWAYS CAUTIONED
AGAINST BAD GIRLS.

ANYONE CAN HANDLE
A BAD GIRL.

IT'S THE GOOD GIRLS
MEN OUGHT TO BE WARNED AGAINST.

YOU'RE SO RIGHT.

I'D LIKE A DRINK.

BEST THING FOR YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU CONSIDERED IT
HIGH SCHOOL

TO DRINK
UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY CRAVED IT.

WELL, I CRAVE IT NOW.

SODA OR PLAIN WATER?

I'LL TAKE IT STRAIGHT.

SAY WHEN.

WHEN.

THAT'S A PRETTY STIFF DRINK,
ISN'T IT?

NO.

HAVEN'T WE CONFUSED
THIS POOR LITTLE GIRL ENOUGH

FOR ONE EVENING?

DON'T YOU START GETTING FATHERLY
ALL OF A SUDDEN.

BOTTOMS UP, BABY.

CIGARETTE?

THANKS.
I THINK I WILL.

YOU'RE REALLY GOING HIGH SCHOOL
WITH A VENGEANCE, AREN'T YOU?

YES,
ACROSS THE BOARD.

NOW, THERE'S A MAN
WHO'S HARD TO PLEASE.

HE GRIPES
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO BE PURE,

AND HE GRIPES
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO BE WANTON.

SLATER...

FOR THE LAST TIME,
GET OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT.
DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?

IF YOU'RE SERIOUSLY PLANNING
TO EMBARK UPON A LIFE OF SIN,

I WOULDN'T ATTEMPT
TO DISSUADE YOU.

YOU WOULDN'T?

WE'D BE VERY DISCREET,
OF COURSE.

WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FATHER
TO FIND OUT.

I KNOW A WONDERFUL
LITTLE APARTMENT.

GOSH.
COULD I HAVE A MAID?

SURE,
AND A CADILLAC WITH A GADGET.

AND CHARGE ACCOUNTS?

THAT'S A VERY BAD ROUTINE,
PATTY.

YOU'D BETTER STICK
TO BEER COMMERCIALS.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHY DOES HE DELIBERATELY
GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO HURT ME?

YOUNG MEN IN LOVE
ARE ALWAYS CRUEL.

WE'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT FIGHT.

HE SUFFERS, TOO.

WELL, ALL I KNOW

IS THAT I'M THOROUGHLY FED UP
WITH BEING A...

THE STATUS TO WHICH I TAKE IT
YOU ARE REFERRING

NEED NOT BE PERMANENT.

TO ME,
THE SLAMMING OF THAT DOOR

SOUNDED VERY MUCH LIKE THE
OVERTURE TO A WEDDING MARCH.

WELL, THEN,
HE'LL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

AFTER ALL,
IT WAS HIS FAULT THAT -

DON'T LET PRIDE
GET IN THE WAY, PATTY.

YOU'RE A SWEET KID.
FOLLOW YOUR FEMININE INSTINCTS.

AND REMEMBER
THAT UNDERSTANDING

IS ALMOST AS PRECIOUS
AS VIRTUE.

YES, BUT WE'VE ONLY KNOWN
ONE ANOTHER SUCH A SHORT TIME.

LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW
WHAT YOU BOTH WANT.

BUT ISN'T IT UP TO HIM?

WOULDN'T HE LOSE ALL RESPECT
FOR ME?

FOR A GIFT,
ONE IS ALWAYS BEHOLDEN.

GOOD NIGHT, PATTY.

HAVE YOU GOT A LEASE
ON THIS MACHINE?

WHY WERE YOU
IN SUCH A TEARING HURRY?

WHAT?

WELL, LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOCKED ON MY DOOR.

OH, I KNOW.

I- I WASN'T SURE
WHETHER YOU HEARD.

I HEARD.
I WAS SHAVING.

AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND BY THE TIME I WIPED OFF
THE LATHER AND CAME TO THE DOOR,

YOU'D EVAPORATED AGAIN.

I KNOW.

WHY DID YOU KNOCK?

WHY WERE YOU SHAVING?

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?

I DIDN'T FOR SURE.
I WENT TO YOUR OFFICE.

YOUR SECRETARY SAID YOU MOOCHED
OFF WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

YEAH,
SOMEHOW I COULDN'T WORK.

SHE SAID YOU WERE IN
A FILTHY TEMPER.

WHY DID YOU TELL HER
YOU RAN INTO A DOOR?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK
SHE'D BE INTERESTED

IN THE DETAILS
OF MY LOVE LIFE.

YOU'RE CRAZY!
SHE WAS FASCINATED!

I TOLD HER THE WHOLE STORY.

I BELIEVE YOU DID.

OF COURSE I DID.
SHE SEEMS LIKE A VERY NICE GIRL.

AND SHE KEEPS HER NEEDLES
IN THAT LITTLE ROUND BLACK BOX

UNDERNEATH THE STAMPS.

DID YOU GET ANY SLEEP
LAST NIGHT?

NO, NOT VERY MUCH.

THERE WASN'T MUCH NIGHT LEFT
ANYWAY.

I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK, AND I
HAVEN'T EATEN A THING ALL DAY.

YOU'RE A DOPE!
WHY?

YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHY -
BECAUSE OF YOU.

WORRYING ABOUT YOU,

WONDERING WHAT INSANE THING
YOU'LL DO NEXT,

WONDERING IF -

WELL, WHEN YOU DASHED OUT LAST
NIGHT, I NEARLY LOST MY MIND.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.

OH, DON'T WORRY.
I KNOW YOURS.

ACCEPTING GIFTS OF MONEY
FROM MEN LIKE SLATER.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I THINK
ABOUT HIM, I WANT TO CRY.

YOU CRY BECAUSE KITCHEN STOVES
GO TO WASTE.

WELL, THAT POOR MAN
IS REALLY GOING TO WASTE, TOO.

HE'S AWFULLY SAD.
I TOLD HIM TO GET MARRIED.

YOU KNOW, HE REALLY HAS THE
MAKINGS OF A VERY GOOD FATHER.

THEY LEFT OUT
A FEW IMPORTANT INGREDIENTS.

I KNOW.

NOW, THERE'S SOMEONE
WHO REALLY IS MALADJUSTED

AND UNHAPPY AND LONELY.

DON'T WORRY.
IN BRAZIL, HE'LL GET ALONG FINE.

SAY, LISTEN, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT THAT $600.

CAN YOU AFFORD TO LOSE
THAT MUCH MONEY?

I THINK THAT'S AWFUL,
GAMBLING FOR STAKES LIKE THAT.

I BET
THAT'S A MONTH'S SALARY.

OR DO ARCHITECTS
GET SALARIES?

WELL, ANYWAY, I'M QUITE SURE YOU
COULD FAR BETTER THINGS WITH YOUR -

WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT UP?
WE'RE NOT MARRIED YET.

BUT YOU HAD NO RIGHT
TO BE -

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID
WE'RE NOT MARRIED YET.

THAT'S JUST WHAT
IT SOUNDED LIKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT
WHEN YOU SMILED AT ME

IN FRONT OF THAT JEWELRY SHOP
YESTERDAY?

I DID NOT SMILE
UNTIL WE CAME UP HERE.

WELL, ANYWAY,
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"NOW,
THAT'S THE KIND OF SMILE

I'D LIKE WITH MY ORANGE JUICE
EVERY MORNING."

YOU DID?
UH-HUH.

AND WHEN
YOU WERE FIXING DINNER

AND EVEN WHEN YOU WERE FLIRTING
OUTRAGEOUSLY WITH SLATER -

ARE YOU PROPOSING TO ME?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT ELSE COULD I SAY?

YOU COULD SAY, "I LOVE YOU"
IN SO MANY WORDS

WITHOUT ALL THIS
SHILLY-SHALLYING.

WELL,
HAVEN'T I SAID THAT YET?

NO, AND I WANT TO HEAR IT.

I WANT THE REAL THING,
WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS -

AN OLD-FASHIONED PROPOSAL.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MY FATHER
PROPOSED TO MY MOTHER?

POPPED HER IN THE EYE.

NO, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME NOW.

ANYWAY, HE WASN'T ASHAMED TO
COME OUT AND SAY "I LOVE YOU."

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT MUCH
OF A HINT.

OKAY, DON'T PROMPT ME.

I LOVE YOU, PATTY.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH,
EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A SCREWBALL

AND EVEN THOUGH
YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT NUTS.

AND I'LL HANG THE PICASSO
IN THE BEDROOM.

NOT IN OUR BEDROOM,
YOU WON'T.

OKAY.

SAY, LISTEN, DO THEY LET
CHILDREN UP HERE AT HALF PRICE?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY?

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE RATHER NICE

TO COME UP HERE
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARIES,

BUT WITH FIVE KIDS,
THAT'LL BE EXPENSIVE.

WE'LL CHECK THEM DOWNSTAIRS.

OH, NO.
I WANT THEM TO SEE IT.

I'M SO GLAD MR. SMITH
PUT UP THIS BUILDING.

THERE.

DID YOU MIND
WHEN I SAID, "THERE"?

WHAT?

OH, NOTHING. NEVER MIND.

YOU'RE TERRIBLY SWEET.

JUST THINK -
WE ONLY MET YESTERDAY.

IT HAPPENS
ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

IMAGINE CHARGING $1.20

JUST TO RIDE TO THE TOP
OF AN OLD BUILDING.

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH, SO TELL ME ♪

♪ THAT YOU CAN SEE IT, TOO ♪

♪ A MONTH OF SUNDAYS
COMING UP IN JUNE ♪

♪ BECAUSE THE MOON IS BLUE ♪