All language subtitles for The Emperor W

Hello, Countess.
How did you get here?

Through the window.
Forgot to mail me
my invitation.

Go away.
No.

- I said go away.
- And I said no.

What do you want now?
I had to see you
just once more.

I have nothing to say to you.
don't want you
to say anything.

I want you to listen.
Can't we go somewhere
and talk?

I hate you,
loathe you, despise you.

You didn't always.
There was a time you loved me.

Wasn't there, Countess?
Swine.

The Emperor will have
them shot, both of them!
Let me see.

That the lenses
of these opera glasses
don't crack for shame.

Isn't that the daughter
of Baron Holenia?

Yes. Johanna Augusta
Franziska, Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg,

disgracing every syllable
ofher name.
But who is he?

That's the man,
that's the one.
That's the who?

The man. Haven't you heard?
Where have you been?

In a mud bath in Bad Nauheim,
trying to cure my poor heart.

I'd forgotten.
It's nothing.
Don't stop now.

Very well, you've asked for it.
It's a love affair that has
rocked Vienna for four months.

Who is he?
The most vulgar, impossible,
obnoxious, ill-mannered...

In one word,
an American.
No!

Yes. And low
even among Americans.

He's what they call
a traveling salesman.

A traveling salesman
and a baron's daughter.

You heard about the attempt
on the Emperor's life?
That's the man.

Mercy!
He swindled an appointment
with His Majesty...

by presenting himself
as a great potentate.

Later, it transpired he was
a very minor potentate...

in an American organization
known as the Shriners.

I remember the day he came
to the palace with his
nasty little dog...

and a mysterious,
sinister black box.

Do you know what was
in that box?

[Whistling]

[Whistling Stops]

How are you today?

Will you follow me,
please?
Mm-hmm.

Here, Buttons.
Stop chewing that gum.

Here, give it to me.
Come here.

[Barks]

[Barking Continues]
[Growling]

[Barking, Whining]
Scheherazade, please.
Remember your manners.

And do stop fidgeting
with your moustache.
I'm not nervous.

I know perfectly well
why the Emperor
has summoned us.

So do I. He's found out
You belong in jail.

You're talking to your father.
That's what's so depressing.
My own father, a scoundrel.

Mortgaging the mortgage
on our castle which was
already mortgaged.

How was I to know?
I'm not a businessman:
I'm a general.

Then taking the money and
gambling it away in a night.
The cards were marked.

Two duels already this season,
named as corespondent in the
divorce of some pastry baker,

sued by a young lady in
the chorus at the opera...

because you promised her
the lead in Aida.

The little fool.

I'm not the director
of the opera, I'm a general.

As I was trying to say
16 insults ago,

I don't believe
the Emperor summoned us
on account of me at all.

He summoned us
on account of you.

Me? What have I done?
have an idea someone has
expressed an interest in you...

and the Emperor wants
to arrange a marriage.

Oh, nonsense. His Majesty
knows I'm still in mourning.

Two years of mourning
for a husband you
couldn't endure is enough.

Yes, I see a highly satisfactory
new marriage.

Some member of the Belgian
diplomatic corps,

or perhaps
a Russian duke.

I like Russians, don't you?
Money just oozes from them.

And, dear Papa,
You could always
mortgage the Kremlin.

[Door Opens]

His Excellency
the General Baron Holenia...

and the Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

[Barking]

[Barking]

Oh, Baron Holenia.
[Coughs]

My dearJohanna.
Oh, get up.

Sorry I can't kiss your hand.
[Coughs]
Bad cold.

And how is
Scheherazade?

You're wearing new perfume,
aren't you?

Even I can smell it
with my stuffed up nose.

Oh, sit down, do.
[Coughs]

Louis, come on.
Say hello to Scheherazade.

[Barking]

Why do they always
pick a damp day for me
to inaugurate a bridge...

or open a horticultural
exhibition, or...

Oh, well. Mustn't grumble.
It's the hazard
of the profession.

If I may be permitted
a suggestion,

has Your Majesty tried
pine needles in boiling water,

inhaling the vapor
under a towel?

Pine needles?
Certainly not.

Shouldn't want
my whiskers to smell
like old Christmas trees.

[Coughing, Sniffling]
Has, uh, anything
particular come up lately?

You ask that?
Look at my desk.

Reports, complaints,
unforgivable stupidities,

downright dishonesty,
thievery!

Go on,
look at them.

I'd rather not,
Your Majesty.

I don't blame you.
[Coughing]

Now, do you know why
I summoned you here today?

Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...

We have rather
an inkling, Your Majesty.

Then what are you looking
so gloomy about? Don't you
approve of the alliance?

Alliance?
A marriage!

Do you or don't you know
what 'm talking about?

Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...

We have rather
an inkling, Your Majesty.

This match
means a great deal to me.

I've given it infinite thought.
I've looked up the blood lines
on both sides.

Fine, fine. One couldn't
ask for better.
Thank you, Your Majesty.

I broughtJohanna up to realize
that blood comes first.

What pleases me most,
both lines are very prolific.

Oh, little embarrassing
to talk about this.
Not at all, Your Majesty.

I anticipate
superb offspring.

And I'm going to be
a little greedy about them.

Greedy?
Well, I'm a lonely man.

I've lost my wife,
my son.

It'll warm my heart
to see the little things
crawling around.

A great honor.
If there are five, I want three.
Is that exorbitant?

Your Majesty!
Don't be picayune, if it will
give the Emperor any happiness.

As for the bridegroom,
Yes, Your Majesty.

I think the union should be
brought about as quickly
as possible.

Of course, Your Majesty.
Spry as he is, he's
a rather elderly gentleman.

How old, Your Majesty.
Twelve.

Twelve!
Johanna, what possible
import... Twelve?

Not quite. He will be
on the seventh of September.

I suggest that the nuptials
take place in my kennels.

Kennels? With all
that barking going on?
We're talking about the poodles.

His Majesty's dog is asking
for the paw of Scheherazade.

Ohhh. Of course.
I'm no fool.

Scheherazade, did you hear
of your engagement?
What do you say?

[Barking]

How about
a piece of sugar?
[Barking Continues]

I'd love it.

[Barking Continues]

[Barking]

Buttons,
come here, come here.
Pull yourself together.

You'll spoil the sale for me.
You want to eat, don't you?

[Ticking]

[Exhales]

[Ticking Continues]

Must have wound
the mainspring too tight.

[Chuckles]
It's not supposed to do that
'til I pull the switch.

[Ticking Continues]

There's a plot on the life
of the Emperor. A time bomb!
That black box!

What's the matter?

Oh, I guess you'd
like to know what this is.

I'm not telling.
I'm gonna work it
on the Emperor first.

What a bang he's
gonna get out of it.
This is gonna kill him!

Ho-ho! Am I laughing?
Got a match? Here we are.

He'll be in sections.
This is gonna kill him.

[Ticking Continues]

[Bell Ringing]

You'll pardon my intrusion,
Your Majesty.

Will Your Majesty please
make all the haste possible?

What is it now?
A precautionary measure,
Your Majesty.

There seems to be
an assassin.
Oh, dear.

This gets to be
such a bore. Sorry.

Here. Here now!
What's the idea?
Come here!

Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, you! Wait a minute!

[Barking]

What's the matter with you?
Are you crazy?
You're under arrest!

Let go of me!
And drop that dog,
You dogs!

Search him! Now,
who are your confederates?
We want every name.

Is this the Emperor's palace
or a loony bin?

You came here as a potentate.
Are you a potentate?

I may have stretched things
a little, but I'm a Shriner.
Paid up.

You're a nihilist.
I am not.
I'm a Presbyterian.

A lie again. It says here
that you're a salesman.

Listen, wabble-face,
isn't it possible to be a
Presbyterian Shriner salesman?

You're trying to confuse me.
I am also
a registered Democrat,

a member
of the Chamber of Commerce,
a sandlot third baseman, and l...

Not so fast!
I have to talk fast.

If I don't, my sample's
gonna rust in your fish pond.

Careful!
It might explode.

I wish it would.
It cannot.
The powder's all wet.

It must be some new model
with a cannon attached.

You must be an old windbag
with a blabbermouth attached.

I never saw such a bunch
of ignoramuses. Here, Buttons,
we'll show 'em the trademark.

Does that mean anything to you?
It doesn't, hey?

Well, it's an invention.
A talking machine.

A new kind of American
thingamabob. Watch this.

We have a record, we put it
on the machine thus.

We start the works
in this manner. Drop
the needle in that fashion.

[Garbled Song]

[Stops]
Something wrong here.
What do you... What's going on?

This is not
standard equipment.

With Your Majesty's permission,
Your Majesty may come out now.

About time. I was beginning
to feel like a corkscrew.

What was it this time?
A false alarm,
Your Majesty.

An American salesman
trying to force his way in.

A most persistent breed,
these Americans.

One threw himself
in front of my carriage.

He was selling brushes.
Wanted me to buy two
for my whiskers.

Also a clothes brush,
shoe brush, nail brush
and a tooth brush.

Incredible.
We finally bought a mop
and had him deported.

Where were we now?
The dogs, Your Majesty.
The final arrangements.

Oh, yes. Louis and I
will be at my hunting lodge
in the Tyrol...

for the next three weeks.

I want you to come
and stay with me
and bring Scheherazade.

We are most honored,
Your Majesty.
I think the happy couple...

will find the mountain air
quite invigorating.

As to transportation,
have you any objections
to the horseless carriage?

None whatever, Your Majesty.
Then I'll send my automobile
to bring you up next Tuesday.

Good-bye, Baron.
Good-bye, my dearJohanna.

May I personally
guarantee Your Majesty
a most glorious litter?

Thank you.
I shall see you
in the mountains.

Everybody return
to his quarters.

No tradesperson
is permitted in the palace.

You will pack that
squalling abomination
and leave at once!

Out! Out! Out!
Oh, no, I don't.

I'm gonna wait 'til it dries
and show it to the old boy,

as per
my appointment!

To whom will you show it?
To the Emperor.

If you play ball,
I won't tell him what a monkey
You made out of yourself.

You will never see
the Emperor.

I'd protect His Majesty
from that object as I'd
protect him from a bomb.

You listen to me, chubby.
I didn't come to Austria
to run into that kind of guff.

I came here to put that machine
over and I'm gonna.

I'm gonna sell 5,000,
10,000, 20,000.

Not in Austria,
I assure you.

We do not take to cheap,
blatant innovations.

You're a bunch of
dusty old aunties,
scared of anything new.

You wouldn't have put in
the electric light,

bought an automobile,
only the Emperor did.

He's gonna buy
the first one of these
and endorse it.

And when he does,
You watch the sales skyrocket.
Yo-ho! They're going up.

And perhaps you will take
a photograph of our Emperor...

Iooking into that horn,
in place of your dog.

Don't you realize this is
the greatest thing that's
happened to the Holenia's...

in ten generations?
Will it pay
the butcher's bill?

What butcher would dare
present his bill to the
Emperor's brother-in-law?

What was that?
My poor demented daughter,

don't you realize
we've just become part
of the Emperor's family?

All because of some
arrangement about puppies?

Thanks to those puppies
Your father is now...

the most important man
in the monarchy, inseparable
from the Emperor.

He and I will sit together
waiting for them to be born.

We'll feed the little things
with medicine droppers,

spread newspapers for them,
take them on walks.

I shall have
the Emperor's ear and
advise him on matters of state.

I may become
ambassador to Paris,

or minister of finance.
Oh, not that, Father.

As for you, Johanna,
magnificent vistas
have opened up.

What's wrong with
the young king of Spain? Or
there's an English princeling.

Father, to return
to the butcher,
how are we to provide...

meat for the bride
if she's to be kept alive
for the happy event?

Don't be ridiculous.
We now have all the credit
in the world.

So Vienna thought
we had gone to the dogs?

[Chuckles]
Gone to the dogs,
indeed.

Stop dawdling. We've
endured your presence
long enough.

Aw, your emperor's
sideburns!

What are you
doing now? Disrobing
in the palace grounds?

What a fussy old dude you are.
You're worse than a worm
on a hot rock.

I'll give you
one more minute to get
that object out of here!

That's what's known
as Viennese charm, Buttons.

If you ever see me order
Wiener schnitzel again,

You can spit
right in my eye!
[Barking]

Here, Buttons.
Come back here.

[Growling]

[Dogs Barking, Growling]

Hey, Buttons.
Go away,
You nasty mongrel.

What are you up to?
You bad dog, you. Here.

What's the matter?

Hey.! Hey, you.!

This dog is bleedin'.
What did you do to my dog?

Stop! Hey!
That's enough.
That's enough.

You bet it is. We've been
kicked around, thrown in
the water, snapped at, bitten.

Who do those people
think they are?

They are His Excellency,
Baron Holenia...

and the Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.
Where do they live?

The Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg
palace on
Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg Square.

That's a lot of Stolzenberg.
And don't tell us to get out
'cause we're gittin'.

[Bell Ringing]

[Bell Rings, Crashes]

You rang, sir?
Does a black dog live here?

I beg your pardon?
A French poodle
about that size.

Tell her she has to see
a man about a dog.

Perhaps if you would clarify the
nature of your business, sir.
[Scheherazade Barking]

Hey, you!

What's the idea ofjust
running off after your dog
has bitten my dog?

I don't expect decent manners
of that thing, but human beings
we expect to act halfway human.

[Growling]
Take off your hat.

Look at that leg.
Bitten clear to the bone.
It bled all over my rented suit.

I doubt if my birds
care for the smell of your hat.

Fry your birds!
I'm talkin' about my dog.

Your dog ought to have a muzzle
and not a leather muzzle,
a steel one.

[Growling]
Don't let him upset you,
darling.

Look at that silly haircut.
Who trims her, the guy that
trims your hedges?

What is it that you want?
Damages for your mongrel, money
for cleaning your trousers?

I want
a saliva test made of her
and I want it now!

You want what?
A saliva test.
She may be mad.

That silly lookin' thing
may have the rabies!

I'll thank you
not to use such vile words
when you talk about her.

All right, hydrophobia, then.
Have you watched her
for symptoms?

Has she been
frothing at the mouth?
Does her bark sound croupy?

My dear man, if either of these
two dogs is mad, it's yours.

My veterinary
goes over Scheherazade
from snout to tail every week.

She's a dog of superb pedigree
and she gets superb care.

Oh, listen, any mutt
can have rabies.

For the last time, will you stop
referring to her as a mutt?

Have you ever heard
of blood lines? Hers
goes back to the 18th century.

Hmpf. His goes back to as far
as they've been havin' dogs.

Perhaps you've heard of one
of her ancestors, Papillion,
the poodle of Marie Antoinette.

They were both guillotined
in the French Revolution.
Smart move.

Her father belongs
to Czar Nicholas of Russia.

You don't say.
Her mother
to the Infanta of Spain.

His mother belongs to a milkman
in Springfield, Illinois.
And his father...

His father. Well,
You've got me there.

Her twin brothers
belong to a Cardinal
and live in the Vatican.

As for Scheherazade herself,
she has just become engaged...

to the dog of His Majesty,
Francis Joseph the First.

Yeah? Well, Buttons' brother
helps a kid named Stinky O'Hara
deliver newspapers...

and his sister was making an
honest living as a watchdog...

until she was hit
by the Baltimore and Ohio.

How really fascinating.
f your poodle
is so classy...

how come she doesn't know better
than to go around biting
a nice little dog?

If your animal is so clever,
it should know better
than to approach a dog...

of an entirely
different class.

All he did is go up to her
and say, "How do you do?"
That's all.

He thrust his ugly,
ill-bred little face
right at hers.

And for that
she bit him.
Certainly.

And she was right?
Absolutely. There are such
things as class distinctions.

How's that?
Class distinctions,
I said.

I thought that's what you said.
Two kinds of blood you mean?

Blue blood and the kind we have.
The kind you get at the
five and ten cent store.

Precisely. You must admit
there's a difference
between...

Stinky O-something-or-other
and the Emperor of Austria.

There is the lowbred
and the highbred.

If the lowbred
has the impertinence
to come distastefully close,

what can he expect
but to be bitten?

Is that so?
It is.

[Growling]

Okay.
Now you bite me.

[Whistling]

[Continues]

I would have horsewhipped him
then and there, the revolting
little plebian.

You saw him. Ears like
a bat and the rest of him
like a plucked duck.

Perhaps there's more to him
than meets the eye.

So it would seem
from what happened
in the mountains.

What happened?
A conflagration
of the wildest passion...

Please! Remember
the archduchess's heart.
Go on. What happened?

For your own sake, Isabella.
Oh, go on,

or I shall fling myself
from this balcony.

All right, it's your heart.
It seems that
that little horror...

found out the Emperor
was going to the Tyrol.

So being an American... They'll
do anything in their mad pursuit
of the almighty dollar.

[Virgil Yodeling]

Bom bom bom dee dee dee

Lom da da dee dee da dee

Bom bom

[Yodeling]

Bom bom
[Echo]
Bom bom

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find
the friendly mountains
joining in

[Echoing]
Joining in

Loosen up your pipes

And brother you can bet

It's as pretty
as a barbershop quartet

Quartet
[Echo]
Quartet

Quartet
Quartet

Quartet
Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

You can raise your voice

And sing out
hip-hooray

But it always comes back

[Echoing]
[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Women Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

[Whistling]

[Men Yodeling]

[Virgil Whistling]

[Yodeling]

[Virgil Whistling]

Give the birds a break

And hustle up a song

And let
the friendly mountains

Sing along

[Men And Women Yodeling]

[Yodeling]
[Yodeling Continues]

[Laughing]
[Yodeling Continues]

[Yodeling Stops]

[Whooping]

[Whistling]
[Yodeling]

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find
the friendly mountains
joining in

When your melody

Goes rollin'
'round the sky

Well you'll feel that
You're a pretty nifty guy

[Women]
Pretty nifty guy

[Woman]
Pretty nifty guy

[Virgil's Echo]
Pretty nifty guy

You there,
halt!

I just wanted
to look the place over.

It's very nice too.
Come on, Buttons.

No visitors while
our Emperor's in residence.

Is he in there now?
It's the hunting season.

When he hunts, doesn't he
come out here once in a while?

Every morning.
Early. 4:00.
Through this gate?

Through this gate,
down that road, through
this gorge and up that mountain.

Down that road,
through that gorge
and up that mountain, huh?

With your very kind permission,
the car is boiling.

Well, don't stand there.
Get some cool water
from some brook.

With your very kind permission,
shall.

We're almost there,
Scheherazade.

You better
take her goggles off.
They give her a headache.

She's perfectly all right,
Father.

Her nose is dry and hot.
She's running a temperature.

I told you she should have
worn her blanket!
Don't be hysterical, Father.

How can I help
being hysterical?

If she should come down
with distemper...
Heaven forbid!

Relax. Breathe in
this heavenly air.

Yes, it'll do her good.
This Tyrol. It's like
a vast oxygen tent.

[Virgil Yodeling]

Listen to that yodel.
It's the voice of Austria.

Mountain-born,
deep-rooted, eternal.

[Barking]
What is it, Scheherazade?

[Yodeling Continues]
[Barking]

[Barking]

What's biting you,
anyway?

Here, Buttons.
Come here.

[Barking]
[Barking]

Scheherazade!
Catch her!

[Barking]
Come here!

Scheherazade!
[Barking]

Let her go.!
He's biting her,
he's killing her.!

Take that black beast
out of here! Whoa!

Here, here, here.

There.

Yoo-hoo.

This I find outrageous!
Small world, isn't it?

Are you following me?
No. Are you?

This is the same
objectionable American,
isn't it?

I'll take care of him.
Get Scheherazade in the car.
I'll give her some brandy.

If you don't mind,
I should like to ask you
a few questions.

You look sweet in that.
Like a piece of candy
wrapped up in tissue paper.

Exactly why are you here,
dressed like that?

If I wanted to make a deal
with the Sultan of Morocco
I'd come dressed like a dervish.

You're here on business?
They don't pay my expenses
to come up here and yodel.

Ah, yes, I've heard of that
peculiar object you're peddling.

You wish to sell it
to the Emperor?
That's right.

You're here
at His Majesty's request?
Let's not get technical.

Where are you staying?
Down in the village
at the Golden Fiddle Inn.

They have a very attractive
upstairs maid. A redhead.

Exactly how will you manage
to see His Majesty?

I shan't see him:
he's going to see me.
Or hear me.

Or rather, he's gonna
hear my machine.
Go on.

Every morning he goes out
shooting deer.

He goes out his gate,
down that gorge
and up that mountain.

One of these mornings
I shall hide behind a tree
or something,

get my machine set up
and suddenly...

[Hums
"National Emblem March"]

And then?
Once he hears it
it'll be a cinch.

He'll say, "How come
that beautiful band
is up here playing...

in these little bitty
old doggone hills of mine?

That's what he'll say?
Yes. And I shall pop from
behind my tree and say,

"Emp, that's no band,
that's a phonograph.

Come over here
and see for yourself."

Very clever.
Only it won't work.
Why won't it?

Because the Emperor will not
hear that loathsome apparatus.

Because you will not be
hiding behind any trees.

Because no tradesman can presume
on the Emperor of Austria.

Because you're to go straight
to your hotel, pack and leave
immediately, you and that dog.

Who'd gonna make us?
The police.

Like fun, they will.
I'm an American citizen:
he's an American dog.

I have a passport:
he has a dog license.

If you don't leave voluntarily,
the gendarmes will come...

and take you and your dog
by the nape of your necks
and throw you on the train.

Try anything like that
and you're gonna get
in a peck of trouble.

Don't forget that
Teddy Roosevelt
still carries a big stick.

Who carries what?
You start a fight
with me...

and he'll have the
United States Army here so fast
it'll make your head swim.

Johanna, get in the car.
Scheherazade has fainted twice.

The Army, Navy and the Marines,
You understand?

And don't forget we're building
a little something called
the Panama Canal.

What's he talking about?
You'll find out when we won't
let your ships through.

You'll have to go
all the way down
around South America.

Or else you'll have to
go all the way up north
where it's so cold that...

The first train out of here.
You, your apparatus and dog.
Especially that dog.

We'll fix you in Washington.
What we'll do
to your ambassador.

We'll boycott your product!
The Blue Danube forbidden
by act of congress!

[Yodeling]

[Yodeling]

Shut up!

[Knocking]
Johanna.
Come in, Father.

Aren't you getting dressed?
They're all downstairs
on the terrace.

Quiet, Father.
Have you glanced
out the window?

The Emperor has invited us
with a group that offers rather
interesting possibilities.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing. It's Scheherazade.

What's wrong now?
The Emperor's veterinary
is with her.

- She's had a nervous breakdown.
- A nervous...

No!
A complete collapse.

They were bathing her and
she was perfectly all right...

'til she saw another dog,
a small dachshund.

She began screaming.
They tested her
with another dog,

a tiny Chihuahua:
the same hysteria.

When they brought in the
Emperor's dog to calm her,

she broke loose,
jumped through a window
and ran amok.

Apparently, she can't stand
the sight of another dog.

Has the Emperor
been told?
Not yet.

We hope the veterinary will
be able to do something.

That inconsiderate,
ungrateful black animal!

Jeopardizing
all our chances!

Come here.

The Hungarian officer
playing cards,

that's Prince stvan
Barlossy de Baloshasa.

[Johanna]
met him in Budapest.
Didn't like him very much.

Nonsense. Since then
he's inherited half of Buda
and a large part of Pest.

What have you against
the Marques Alonso Lafuente?
Which one is he?

The handsome one
with the tennis racket.
Greatest family in Andalusia.

Castles in Spain, literally.
Seven of them.

You still haven't mentioned
the best possibility.

Do you mean
Duke Ferdi Lindendorf?

No, the Princess Bitotska.
I'm thinking of you, Father.

Don't be disgusting.
She's had her one good eye
on you for years.

She's old enough
to be my mother.
She still plays tennis.

She ought to be in a wheelchair,
the arthritic old horror.

Let's go and see if that beast
of yours is feeling any better.

I repeat: It is extremely
important that the patient
speak anything in her mind.

[Whining]
Anything at all.
We need a complete
stream of consciousness.

Is that clear?
[Whining]

Thank you very much.
Now, I would like
to know all about your dreams.

You dream,
I presume?
[Whines]

All right.
What do you dream?
[Whines]

Is it a recurrent dream?
[Whines]

Very good.
A typical anxiety dream.
What is all this, Doctor?

Please! This is
a very serious case.

Indubitably a psychoneurosis,
sometimes referred to
as a neuropsychosis.

Fortunately, I went
to the University of Vienna...

with a young doctor
by the name Freud.

He has created
a curative method:

the analysis of the psyche by
delving into the subconscious.
[Dog Whining]

Now I must ask
for your earliest recollections.

Your father and mother:
Was their home life congenial?

[Whining, Barking]

Doctor, stop torturing her.
I can tell you what's wrong.
She-She had a fight with a dog.

She did?
Twice. Once in Vienna and
once this very afternoon.

[Johanna] The same dog.
You see? That's what leads
to wrong diagnoses.

Patients withhold things.
What kind of a dog?

American.
Small, white, male.

What was his name?
Buttons.

Let's test it.

- Buttons!
- [Yelping]

Absolutely clear now.
A fear complex.

Frightened by one dog,
now afraid of all dogs.

I may kill her.
Is there a cure?

In some cases.
The patient has developed what
I and my colleague, Dr. Freud,

call a mental block.

What is the cure,
Doctor?

The frightened one
must realize she has
nothing to be afraid of.

In other words, we must
bring the two dogs together.

That's impossible.
It is imperative.

I gave orders
to have them both removed.
The man and the dog.

I may kill you.
Without the other dog,
I see very black.

Maybe it's not too late.
Come, darling,
don't tremble like that.

Don't be nervous.
Everything's going to be...

With your very kind permission,
exactly what inn was it?

The Fiddle Inn.
There are three Fiddle Inns:
the Green Fiddle,

the Golden Fiddle
and the Broken Fiddle.
How idiotic.

With your very kind permission,
the whole village is fiddles.

That's what they make here.
Fiddles.

I've got to find him
before it's too late.

[Whistling]

The American, has he left?
No, but he is leaving.
Number seven.

[Giggling]

If you do not hurry
You will miss the train.

So we miss the train. So what?
So you will be pulled
out of here by ox cart.

I think you're full of
pickled pumpernickel,
the both of you.

[Sighing]

All right, you little
bundle of joy. Come on.

Up! In you go.

Well, if it isn't
the Countess!

Don't you trust them?
We're leaving.

Step outside, you two.
And close the door.
I have to talk to you.

We'll miss the train.
You're not going
on that train.

What are you gonna do,
shoot us out of a cannon?

I need your help.

Well. You don't say.

My dog is outside
in a state of
complete collapse.

Small wonder. You people
take those high-strung critters,

breed them, interbreed them,
over breed them,

something in their noggins
is bound to start rattling.

She was perfectly all right
until she saw your dog...

All Buttons
did was walk up...
Let's not go into it.

I'm here to demand
Your cooperation.

The reason for Scheherazade's
breakdown is fear...

and the reason for her fear
is your dog.

The only cure is to get back
to the source of that fear, thus
eliminating the mental block.

Are you following me?
Countess, you lost me back there
around "cooperation."

To put it simply,
if she could realize
he is not a danger.

If your dog could be
nice to my dog.

Oh, no. She might
throw a flea on him.

I assure you
this is a matter
of the utmost importance.

It goes far beyond
just curing a dog.

So we do you a favor
and you kick us out.
Is that it?

No, you can stay as long
as you like, do what
You like. I don't care.

Well, now you're
talkin' sense.

I'll bring her in.
There's no time to waste.
See that your dog behaves.

Hold it, Countess,
there's a word missing.
I beg your pardon?

- The word is please.
- Please.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.
You can do better than that.

Please.
Come again.

- Please.
- Getting warmer.

- Please.
- Bring in the mutt!

Leopold.

Put her
on the bed here.
[Dog Whimpering]

She's got it
pretty bad, huh?
[Buttons Growling]

Here, you, quiet.
Shh!

The doctor says that
she might go c-r-a-z-y.

We'll see
what we can d-o.
[Growling]

[Scheherazade Whines]
Now, now, now.

Don't say no until you and I
have had a chance to talk,
man to man.

I'm gonna open this basket and
You're gonna go and apologize
like a little gentleman.

You understand?
[Growling]

- Don't open the basket.
- Let me handle this.
Come on, Buttons.

Come on, boy.
Gotta help me out now.

Remember that time in Munich
when you became involved
with the police...

'cause you lapped up
all that beer in the ratskeller.

Who got you out of that?
Old Virgil, huh?

We won't talk about it
now, no.

You've gotta help me out.
Go over there and apologize.

Go on. All right,
so she did hurt your feelings.
[Growling]

So she's snooty
and highfalutin.

But you're a pretty fresh
little mutt yourself, you know.

But you're a man and it's
up to the man to apologize.
Now go ahead. Go on.

[Barking]
[Whining]

Her heart's
beating like mad.

Proud, huh? And stubborn.
Look at her.

For once in your life
You meet a real lady.
And a mighty pretty one.

Look at those trim
little ankles, hmm?

And that pompadour.
[Whistles]

That's super deluxe,
that's class. It's better
than class: it's "claaass."

Go on, be nice to here.
Go ahead, move in.

Take charge. Atta boy.
Go on, Buttons.

[Barks,
Whining]

Don't be afraid, Scheherazade.
He's a nice little dog.

Maybe he hasn't had
some of the advantages.

[Whining]
It's no use.
Maybe we'd better stop.

[Whispering]
Hey, Buttons. Hey.

kiss your little hand,
madame

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland,
madame

I'm begging for your lips

haven't any right, madame
I think she likes that.

Sometimes I wonder

If hearts are broken

By little love words
that are left unspoken

I always tremble

When you are near me

I'm looking for
a ray of hope

To cheer me

I hope to keep
my kisses warm

Until we meet
in shadow form

[Piano]

In dreams I kiss your hand,
madame

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland,
madame

I'm begging
for your lips

I haven't any right,
madame

To do the things
I do

Just when I hold you tight,
madame

You vanish with the night,
madame

In dreams I kiss your hand,
madame

And pray my dreams

Come true

I'm just putting it on a little
to give them the idea.

Oh.

[Whining]

Nothing personal,
You understand.
Oh, I understand perfectly.

I wouldn't presume...
No, of course you wouldn't.

[Violins]

[Giggling]

haven't any right,
madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight,
madame

You vanish with the night,
madame

[Scatting]

[Scatting Continues]

Thank you so much.
You've been most kind.

Oh, not at all. It's a pleasure
to do business with you.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Oh, Countess.
Yes?

You forgot something.
I did? What?

Your d-o-g.

Oh, of course.

He has missed the train.
What train?

The one he was going on.
Oh, he's not going.

Scheherazade.
Scheherazade.

Buttons.
[Whistling]

[Barking]

She seems
so wonderfully well.
Doesn't she, though?

Come on, Scheherazade,
come on.

Come on, Buttons.
Here, boy.

Come on, Scheherazade,
Give Buttons back his ball.

Oh, no. Let her have it.
Compliments of the house.

You're very kind.
Good-bye.

So long, Countess.
Come on, Scheherazade.

If she should
have a relapse,
bring her back.

Thank you so much.
Any time.

Go on home,
You two.

[Panting]

[Sighing]
You're telling me.

It's the biggest stag
they've had up here in years,
Your Majesty. I saw it myself.

Already I can see its head
above Your Majesty's desk.

Those magnificent antlers,
18 points.

You can see the antlers but
I don't seem to see the stag.

It is up there in the glen,
I assure, Your Majesty.
Listen.

Every morning for a week they've
promised me that stag and no
stag. Not a shadow of a stag.

Today it will be there.
It must be. That stag dare not
disappoint His Emperor again.

Look at all those other men,
Putzi. I'm very angry with you.

Do you mind, Princess?
I do not like the name Putzi.

Not only am I angry, I'm
disappointed. I did hope you'd
wear those short leather pants.

Why?
For years I've wanted
to see your knees.

You must have very good knees,
my dear Putzi.

They're handsome knees.
They're my knees
and I'm nobody's Putzi.

Aren't you being a little cold
to the richest woman
in Austria?

Not rich enough. Besides,
I have other prospects.

Such an exciting contrast,
Countess.

You, pale and blond
against the brunette
Spanish landscape.

Spain is for bulls.
For a beautiful woman
is Hungary... is Budapest,

that wicked boudoir of a city.
No, entirely too much paprika,
don't you think, Countess?

Let me show you Granada:
toreadors, orange trees,

a thousand fountains
dancing in a sunlight.

You offer the Countess
sunlight. I offer her
fierce midnights...

and czardas
and wild gypsies.

[Humming]

[Humming Stops]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did someone say something?

There,
Your Majesty.

[Marching Music
Blaring]

[Continues]
What is it?
Music here in my own forest?

[Continues]

How dare they?
How dare they?
I don't know, Your Majesty.

I want my stag!
It must be a band
marching down the highway.

Maybe it's an echo from
the village.
I want that band
apprehended.

I will have them punished.
Every instrument,
especially the brasses!

Your Majesty, may offer
my profound apologies?
You may not!

Oh, certainly not.
Silence!

[Continues]

Turn that thing off.
Hi, Countess.

Turn it off immediately.
Now that I got him here?
You're crazy.

Stop it, I tell you.
You're gonna scratch
my record.

You scared off the Emperor's
stag. They're combing the woods
with loaded guns.

Let me demonstrate...
Did you find that band?

Not yet, Countess.
They must be hiding
in the underbrush.

Who is this man?
A tourist
picking strawberries.

What is that?
Uh... well, that's what
I was asking.

It's apparently
for the strawberries.
How?

How. Oh-Oh, "how?"

Oh, why you... You put
the strawberries in here...

and then you grind them up
with this, you see, and the jam
collects down yonder.

This, uh, black platter...
You serve them
on the platter.

The hole is
for the juice.

Any other questions,
please?

Yes. Will it work
with gooseberries?

Gooseberries.
Great with gooseberries,

huckleberries,
strawberries, raspberries.

It's particularly
smashing with raspberries.
You get the jam and the sound.

You see?
Go find the band.

Yes, Countess.
Yes, Countess.

Thank you, Countess.
You're a pip.
I'm a what?

A sweetheart.
Put down that gun
and have a chair.

I'm afraid you'll have to
think up another scheme
for your talking machine.

Say, how's Scheherazade?
She's much better.

Too bad.
What did you say?

I said too bad. Buttons and I
were hoping she'd have a relapse
and you'd have to come back.

That won't be necessary.
She's as gay as a lark,
busy with her wedding plans.

Being trimmed, a new collar,
sniffing over her wedding
presents.
Is that right?

Buttons and I keep talking
about you, night and day.
No sleep. No appetite.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
You don't suppose, do you, that
that mental block business...

Now, could that be contagious?
Nonsense! Buttons is a sturdy,
well-adjusted little dog.

Oh, I know Buttons is
but I'm talking about me. I'm
the one that's got the shivers.

[Laughs]
Don't laugh. One night there'll
be a knock at your door.

When you come to open it,
Buttons will be standing there,
with me in his arms.

Like you came with Scheherazade.
He'll put me down...

and I'll lie there
quaking all over,

with my eyes rolled back until
just the white is showing.

There'll be nasty gossip at the
castle.
We'll sneak up the
servant's stairs.

There I'll be, lying there
in pitiable condition.

You'd have to help me then,
wouldn't you?
How?

You'd bend over me...
You remember the cure we found.

I never sing.
Well, come on,
force yourself.

Just hum a little, huh?
[Humming]

[Marques]
Countess von
Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

[Continues]

Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg!

Good-bye.

Oh, wait,
Countess, don't go.
Don't you feel it too?

Feel what, Mr. Smith?
Oh, that funny stir
inside of you.

Those bubbles that start down
in the tips of your toes and
tingle up through your spine...

'til they reach
Your brain where they pop
like a firecracker.

I know nothing about
any such bubbles.
They're in your veins.

They beat in your throat
and pound in your ears.
What does, Mr. Smith?

Your blood. It's all out
of whack. It goes so fast
and it goes every which way.

Mine's going counterclockwise.
How's yours?
Perfectly normal, I assure you.

I don't believe it.
Mine's the weak, watery
different sort of blood.

You said so yourself.
Aww.

[Virgil]
n dreams kiss your hand,
madame

Your dainty
fingertips

And while in slumberland,
madame
[Scheherazade Whining]

'm begging
for your lips
[Whining Continues]

Go to sleep,
Scheherazade.

Go to sleep.
[Singing ndistinct]

[Whining Continues]

La di di
da do-do-do
Now, really.

Scheherazade,
come back to bed.

Da da di di
da da dum
Scheherazade.

[Whining]

Stop thinking about him.
He's just an ordinary little dog
like a million other dogs.

[Whining Continues]
All right, he has some charm
and he knows some tricks,

but he's not for you:
he's not your sort.

I think I better
give you a sleeping pill.
It'll relax you. Come on.

Come to bed.
Come on.

Get in.
That's a good girl.

[Whines]
Take this and lie down
and go to sleep.

[Whining]
Oh, go to sleep, do.

Tomorrow you're going to be the
most important dog in Austria.
You want to look your best.

[Whines]
Scheherazade, you're an adult,
intelligent woman.

A little self control,
a little dignity.
Is that too much to ask?

What would happen
if we all let ourselves go?
[Moaning]

[Sighs]
Just make up your mind to this.
It cannot be.

Shut out every thought
in that direction.

Fight it.
Suppress it.

[Virgil]
n dreams
kiss your hand

Your dainty
fingertips

And while in slumberland,
madame

'm begging
for your lips

haven't any right,
madame

To do the things do

Just when
hold you tight

You vanish
with the night
[Whines]

A fine pair we make.
Di da da da di

[Coughs]
Not another cold,
Your Majesty?

Certainly not.
The same one.

I might again suggest inhaling
the vapor of pine needles.
No, Holenia, no.

[Man]
Forty-15.

Any news from the kennels?
We took Scheherazade down
after luncheon.

She asked me to
thank Your Majesty
for the bridal bouquet.

You've seen poodle puppies,
haven't you, Holenia?

Charming little beasts.
Look as if they were made
of black wool and licorice.

[Princess]
Good shot.

If I might be excused,
Your Majesty.

What is it?
What's happening?
She's run away. She's gone.

It's a disgrace
to our kennels.
Well, where is she?

I don't know. She just
jumped over a six-foot fence
and disappeared.

That filthy animal.
I must inform
His Majesty.

You will do nothing of the kind.
We mustn't disquiet the Emperor.
He has a cold.

Then what am I to do?
We'll catch her.
We'll bring her back.

You return to the kennels.
That's an order.
But...

Yes, Baron.

[Man]
Advantage, receiver.

[Whispers]
Johanna. Johanna.

[Man]
The game.
Johanna.

Yes, Father?
We're in trouble.

What is it?

Scheherazade!
Scheherazade!

[Bleating]

[Holenia]
Scheherazade.!

Scheherazade!
Look at the silly beast!

[Quacking]

[Seed Banging In Pail]

[Footsteps Approaching]
[Seed Banging]

Scheherazade.
Scheherazade.
Where's Scheherazade?

I don't know.
For heaven's sake, don't just
lie there. She's run away.

She must be with Buttons.
Where's Buttons?

Look at there. You threw me
off. What's your problem?
Where's Buttons?

He isn't here.
He's not?
Where is he?

He got feeling so miserable
I put him out on the island.
What island?

Out here.
I'll show you.

He was unhappy,
crying all night
and everything,

I thought if I disconnected him
from the mainland, put him on
that island...
Look!

That idiot.!
[Virgil]
That wonderful gal.

No mountain too high.
No ocean too wide.
Go it, Scheherazade!

Oh, I hate you.
The way, you say it,
I don't mind it.

We've got to stop her.
Oh, forget her. Stick around,
I'll open up a bottle of glue.

I've gotta catch her
and you're going to help me.
Wait a minute. Wait.

Johanna,
what is it?

Where are you going?
Johanna!

[Buttons Barking]

[Barking Continues]

[Barking Continues]

Scheherazade!

Scheherazade!
Do you know how
to row this thing?

Sure. I used to travel
for a Venetian blind company.

Scheherazade!

Santa Lucia

Santa Lucia

A-la la di da di
Scheherazade!

A-di da di da di
Scheherazade!

[Buttons Barking]

Santa Lucia
[Howling]

Johanna! Johanna!
Santa Lucia

[Barking]

[Barking Continues]

[Barking]

Scheherazade.
Hold it, Buttons.
I'm a'comin'.

Oh, boy,
You're all mixed up here.
He isn't hurt, is he?

No, not him, he's too tough.
You kept telling me
she didn't care, huh?

Don't let him
off that leash.
Oh, don't worry.

Well, you've had your moment,
You lucky little coot.

It isn't every guy, you know,
to have the lovely Countess
swim across a lake for them.

Stop trembling,
Scheherazade.
I won't scold you. No.

I won't even mention it
to anybody, ever.
I promise.

[Violins Tuning Up]

What's that noise?
Oh, that? That, uh,
comes from the village.

You know, in the daytime
they make violins,
and in the evening, they fiddle.

[Violins]

[Continues]

Mighty pleasant,
isn't it?

It's probably due
to the echo.
Yeah.

Like sittin' way up
in the balcony, huh?

No, no, no, we must go back,
Scheherazade and I.
Oh?

Well, then I'll...
I'll get Buttons ready
for the night.

You can say
Your lips

Are not for me

But you can't hide
the kiss

That's in your eyes...
Would you mind
not singing?

What was that?
I said,
please stop singing.

Oh, sure.

What's a matter, Countess?
You afraid or something?
Afraid?

You know, this
silly island, the silly sunset,
all those fiddles tearing away,

a man's voice.
You have to be
more explicit.

But you needn't be afraid.
It's just that... sometimes
sounds do funny things.

Now, you take a big chandelier,
one of those high-class,
well brought up chandeliers,

and you hit
a particular note, ping.

You make that chandelier
tinkle all over.

Are you under the impression
that your voice could, as you
put it, make me... tinkle?

Well, yes, maybe,
a little around the edges.

Who do you think I am?
Some half-witted shop girl...

or some maudlin
little waitress
from a beer garden?

You're a chandelier,
Countess.

The loveliest chandelier
I ever saw.

Go on, sing.
Oh. No.

This is insulting.
Sing and sing at once!

You can say
Your lips

Are not for me

But you can't hide
the kiss

That's in your eyes

And you can say
my arms

Would only
leave you cold

But wait 'til
they hold you

And then
look wise

Yes
and you can say

Tonight will come
and go

Without a single
moment's worth of sighs

But why
should I agree

When I know
what will be

It's plain to me

Plain as the kiss

In your eyes

Plain as the kiss...

Stop it!

I had a husband.
He was suave
and distinguished.

He was dark and dashing.
He was six feet two.

He was the handsomest man
in Austria.

You're so different.

Imagine, a thousand years of
civilization crumbling because
of a drummer's vocal chords.

Isn't it utterly
past belief?
Aren't you a little harsh?

I remember once when
I was listening to Caruso.
[Sighs]

Caruso is excusable,
but that man's voice is...
A cheap bathroom yowl.

Ah, Therese, think of
their nearness and the lake...

and the fragrance
of the summer night
in the Tyrol.

Why begrudge them a moment
of happiness?
Had it only stopped there.

But for two whole weeks
they were having secret
rendezvous on that island.

The four of them.
How shocking!
How divinely shocking!

[Virgil Whistling]

[Continues]

Could I trouble you
for another kiss,
honey Countess?

No trouble at all.

[Sighs]
I shall never
forget you, Virgil.

Impertinent, unpardonable,
ridiculous Virgil.

You bet you won't because I'm
gonna be around to remind you.
You are?

I got it all worked out,
honey Countess. You pack
Your bags. I pack mine.

We get the dogs. Take
the first train, first boat,
and then one day your folks...

are gonna get a postcard
from Newark, New Jersey.

It'll say,
"Merry Christmas from
Mr. And Mrs. Virgil H. Smith."

It sounds so wonderful,
and so impossible.
Oh, a few small problems.

A few? A million.
Where I come from,
there's only one real problem:

Have you got two bucks
for the license,
and two bucks I got.

Where I come from there are
traditions and conventions...

and family ties
and responsibilities...
Oh, forget 'em, Countess.

We can't afford
a scandal in my family.
I have a young brother.

By the grace of the Emperor,
he's just been admitted to
the Imperial Cadet School.

Good. So he'll hustle and get
himself a job setting up pins
in the Imperial Bowling Academy.

I have a young sister, 17.
She's to be presented at court,
her first great glamourous ball.

She'll call in the neighborhood
kids instead. She'll have
herself a big taffy pull.

Then there's my father, very
bankrupt and slightly dishonest.
If we affront the Emperor...

The Emperor, the Emperor.
Nobody's that important.
The Emperor is.

Why don't you tell him
how things are with us,
how we stand?

That we're crazy
about each other.
Don't be naive.

All right then,
let me talk to him.
You?

Why, sure!
You just get me in there.
I'll tell him a thing or two.

You're not ashamed
of me, are you?
Of course not.

Because I have no title,
I'm just a businessman?
No, it's impossible.

The Emperor wouldn't listen
to you. Even if he did,
he wouldn't believe his ears.

I'll reason it out with him.
You don't reason
with an emperor, darling.

You bow and listen to what
he has to say and what he has
to say is no. It's always no.

And you bow again and leave.
Not me.
I don't take no's.

I get my foot in the door and
I talk and talk and talk fast.
I'm a good salesman.

So I've noticed.

Come on, honey Countess.
Let me see him, huh?

I'm no saint.
Heaven knows.
I'm no Puritan.

I've allowed my affections
to get involved with the
lower classes more than once,

but I had some sense
of proportion.
I love him, Father.

Prettiest girl
I ever knew was the daughter
of a garbage collector.

But at the proper time, I had
the good taste to consign her
regretfully to the garbage can.

I didn't put on a silver platter
and present her to my emperor.

He's wonderful
and I'm proud of him.

He doesn't accept
our silly little prejudices.
He's better than we are.

Garbage! He's a cheap
little drummer with some
cheap business on his mind.

No, Father,
with me on his mind,
and a wonderful shining love.

Garbage.!
[Car Approaching,
Fanfare Music]

Virgil.
Hello, Countess.

He's waiting for you.
Good.
I'm ready myself.

Now, don't be nervous.
Look who's talking.
Hi.

Garbage.
What are you
going to say?

I don't know, I'll do something.
I'll talk or play him a song
or stand on my hands.

If he doesn't like me,
maybe he'll like my associate.
He said 3:00.

He's got a little cold,
but I hope he's in a good mood.

[Knocking At Door]
[Coughing]

[Knocking Continues]
[Coughing]

[Weakly]
Come in.
[Coughing]

Step inside and bow from the
waist and don't straighten up
'til he gives you the signal.

[Coughing Continues]
I got it. Come on, Buttons.
Keep your paws crossed.

I love you.
You took the words
right out of my mouth.

[Coughing Continues]

[Coughing]

[Coughing Continues]

Oooh.

Who ever told me to try
these nasty fumes?
Thank you.

You're quite welcome,
I'm sure.
And my whiskers.
[Sniffs]

Just as I thought.
Now, they smell.
You could
always shave them, Your Majesty.

What was that?
Come here.

I think you'd look
much nicer without all that...
whipped cream.

An excellent idea.
They've bored me
for the last 40 years.

Thank you, Your Honor...
I mean, Your Majesty.
Only it cannot be done.

Why not, Your Majesty?
Young man, if I were
to shave off these whiskers,

Austria would be thrown
into a state of turmoil.

Think what it would do to
our postage stamps, our coins,
our bank notes.

I guess you're stuck,
all right.
I'm glad you see my point.

Straighten up.
Who are you?

I'm the man who, uh... Well,
an appointment was made for me.
I was to be here at 3:00.

You are Mr. Smith,
the American.

Yes, Your Majesty. It's
in connection with the Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Uh, what I want, Your Majesty...
Well, it's a hard for me to
explain exactly what I do want.

Exactly what you want
is the Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Exactly.

How long have you
two known each other?
Three weeks, roughly speaking.

Not too roughly, I trust.
[Coughing]

You, uh, love her,
Mr. Smith?

Yes, I do, Your Majesty.
And she loves me.
I know it sounds crazy...

considering who she is
and where come from, way, way
the other side of the tracks.

It is somewhat unorthodox.
Should you marryJohanna, what
kind of life do you envision?

Do you intend to live
with her here in Vienna?

Move into her palace?
I should say not.

There's too many forks
to know which one to pick up.
I plan to take her home with me.

Home?
Which one of the United States
do you come from?

New Jersey.
Newark, New Jersey.
My mother has a place there.

Aplace?
That is, uh... an estate?
[Exhales]

No, it's a house.
Sort of a half house.
Two family deal.

Dr. Coleman lives in the
other half. He's a dentist. We
belong to the same bowling club.

[Coughing]
You and Johanna will live
with your mother?

Oh, yes. Wouldn't want her
alone while 'm out on the road.
On the road?

Look, I could've come in here
and thrown a big bluff about
being a rich Wall Street man...

just cruising around the world,
but actually, I don't have
a yacht to my name.

I'm just a traveling salesman
and I earn $22.50 a week against
four percent commission,

which isn't bad when you
consider what an up-and-coming
product I handle.

That mechanical orchestra
with which you pursued me
from Vienna to that forest?

I'm sorry about the stag.
Oh, I probably would have
missed him anyway.

I'm a very poor shot.
[Coughing]
This machine...

Is it practical?
Is it, uh, really good?

Oh, that's
the gosh darndest,
jim-dandiest machi...

Listen, Your Majesty, I didn't
come here to sell that machine.
I came here to sell myself...

so you wouldn't think
the Countess was throwing
herself away on a hoodlum.

You are not a hoodlum.
You are a businessman.
Yes, Your Majesty.

A good one, I'm sure:
quick, clever, enterprising.

Thank you,
Your Majesty.

If a good proposition offered
itself, you wouldn't let it
slip through your fingers.

Oh, I should say not, sir.
Good. It so happens
I have one for you.

You have?
It's a very simple one.

Give upJohanna
and I will endorse that machine.

Come again?
I'm sure you heard
what I said.

Look, you,
I love her!

That, Mr. Smith,
is what I am counting on.

I'm not narrow-minded.
I could even forgive him
being an American...

if he belonged to one
of those Vander, Astor,
uh, Rocker families.

But a Mr. Smith.
I love him.

If you say that
once more...
I love him.

Garbage.
Father, if you say that
once more...

[Coughing]
I've seen these things
happen before, Mr. Smith.

I've seen them happen
over and over again.

There was a grandniece
of mine who ran away
with a fencing master.

An archduchess who fell in love
with a tourist guide in Egypt.

Princes have eloped
with soubrettes,
princesses with headwaiters.

And why not
if they loved each other?
Why not?

Let me tell you why not.

My grandniece
and her fencing master.
What happened?

A few beautiful months in Naples
and then she began to want to
go back to the life she left.

There's no going back.

Eventually, she threw herself
from the fifth story window
of her hotel.

The archduchess with her
tourist guide had less luck,
or less character.

She's living still... in a cheap
Viennese boarding house...

on sleeping pills and brandy
to forget where she came from.

Where she came from?
Because you're so much better
than we are?

I don't say
we are better.

As a matter of fact,
I think you are better.

You are simpler.
You are stronger. Ultimately,
the world will be yours.

You bet it will!

What I'm trying to explain,
Mr. Smith, is that...
we are different.

We are like snails
living in lovely twisted
little twisted shells.

Uh, have you ever observed
a snail, Mr. Smith?

They are
majestic creatures...

with small coronetted heads
that peer very proudly
from their tiny castles.

They move with dignity.
I imagine they have a great
sense of their own importance.

But you take them
from their shells
and they die.

That is us,
Mr. Smith.
Aw, that's a lot of...

I know my class.

TakeJohanna with you and you
destroy her. Do you want to
destroy someone you love?

I don't want to
and I'm not going to!
I'm gonna make her happy.

One chance
in a million.

Uh, bring
that apparatus here.

[Coughing]

I don't know whether
she mentioned it...

but there are
two other offers
forJohanna's hand:

the Prince Baloshaza
and the Marques Lafuente.

And they're both idiots.
I agree.

No chance of
any wild love there.

But, uh,
let's look ahead.

PictureJohanna
in the two-family house
in Newark.

Oh, she may still love you
and yet as she dries the dishes,
won't she think:

"Tonight, there is
the gala opening
of the opera in Vienna.

"Last week should have been
at the races at Ascot
in the Royal enclosure.

wonder how the season is
at Biarritz. "
She won't think that.

Because she has you?
That's right.

Are you enough,
Mr. Smith?

Twenty-two fifty a week
with a four percent commission.

Play it,
please.

Do you think
I should go in?
No, Father.

On hearing such a fantastic
proposal, I wager His Majesty
fainted or had a stroke.

[Phonograph]
What's he playing
music for?

Because everything's going
so well. Because His Majesty's
listened to him.

And that song... Tricking
an old man into a sentimental
mood. It's not fair.

It's yes, it's yes.

It's yes!
The Emperor's cracking up.
Heaven help our poor monarchy.

Oh, monarchy, monarchy.
Crowns, titles, crests.
Who cares, Father? Who cares?

[Continues]

Well, don't just stand there,
Virgil, what happened?

[Makes Clicking Sound]

- What does that mean?
Is it all right?
- All right? It's great.

Oh, it's great.
Do you hear that?
What did His Majesty say?

Oh, exactly what
I wanted him to say.
Virgil!

I sure wanna thank you,
honey Countess, both for myself
and on behalf of the company.

Oh, it's all so wonderful.
What company?
The phonograph company.

They better send you
a bathtub full of roses.
Me, why?

Well, you helped swing
the deal, didn't you?
What deal?

I sold him
the phonograph.
You sold him...

What's he talking about?

Hush, Father. Go on, please.
I knew I could sell him
if I could just get to him.

He's a wonderful old guy.
He fell for it like that.
He did?

t'll be a cinch. Virgil Smith,
by appointment to His Majesty,
Frances Joseph the First.

Who made that appointment?
My little honey Countess.

My mind isn't as quick as yours.
Let's be quite clear about this.

It was that phonograph
from the very beginning?

Oh, come now, Countess.
What's a salesman after, first,
last and all the time? A sale.

Of course. And everything
that happened between us, all
those words, those silly dreams,

that was all part
of what you call...
a sales campaign?

I had a hunch you'd be
a little sore, but you couldn't
have taken it seriously.

A Countess and a drummer,
come now.

No, not really.
Only for a short time, perhaps,

which makes me very stupid
or you a very good
salesman, indeed.

The company thinks so.
They send me on all
the tough assignments.

- It wasn't so tough, was it?
- This is what you get
for stooping so low.

You're right, Father.

The blood rushes to one's head
and one gets a little dizzy
but I'm quite all right now.

[Virgil]
No hard feelings?
No feelings at all.

It's so preposterous,
it's... it's funny.
It's nothing but funny.

You and that island
and that nasty little dog, and
my going to the Emperor for you.

t's funny
and it's asinine and humiliating
and a little disgusting,

but it's mostly funny.
Not so funny as me taking
a life-size countess to Newark.

This is yours,
I believe.
So it is.

Come on, Buttons.

Good-bye, Countess.
His respectful regards
to Scheherazade.

I never suspected that even
garbage could be so cheap.
Don't you know us Americans?

Anything for a dollar.
[Whistles]

[Continues]

[Continues]

Everything seemed so perfect
with that dreadful man
out of her life.

Johanna engaged
to the Marques Lafuente.
Half a dozen castles.

Seven. The Lafuentes have more
of everything. Their children
were born with 11 fingers.

And the poor American,
what happened to him?
Poor? What's poor about him?

He made a gigantic success
selling those machines by
the thousands, the little worm.

Worm indeed.
By what possible right did he
come to the Emperor's Ball?

Oh, why can't
he leaveJohanna alone?
What does he want from her now?

I wouldn't have broken
into that ballroom if it wasn't
a matter of life and death.

Mr. Smith,
I am not interested.

Countess, after this
You'll never see me again.
We're ready to go back home.

Only he'll never make it.
He'll never live to see America
again unless you help us.

No.
He's out there in a
sleigh, all bundled up.
You ought to see him.

Poor little rack of bones.
Hasn't slept in I don't know
how long. Won't eat.

Just lies there with his eyes
like a couple of candles
that are just about burned out.

I'm extremely sorry.
Last night he dragged
himself out of the hotel.

You know where I found him?
Down in front of your house.
I rang the bell.

One of your servants told me
Scheherazade was at the Palace.
She cannot be disturbed.

What are you trying to do?
You trying to take it out
on him for something I did?

Buttons isn't a businessman.
All Buttons did was
to lose his fool heart.

One doesn't die
of a lost heart, Mr. Smith,

except in those syrupy songs
chambermaids play
on your phonograph.

Aw, let him see her just once.
Give them one moment together
so the dog can breathe again.

[Door Closes]

[Waltz Continues]

You're not gonna let him die.
Let me go out to the sleigh
and get him.

Release my arm, Mr. Smith.
I'm expected back
in the ballroom.

I forgot the word, maybe.
Please.
[Door Closes]

Please.
[Footsteps Approaching]

Johanna,
where have you been?
What is it, Father?

It's Scheherazade. Word's
just come from the stables.
The veterinary says any moment.

Well, aren't you coming
for the great event?
Of course, Father.

[Continues]
[Sighs]

[Scratching At Window]

[Whining]

What are you doing here?
I thought I told you to wait
for me and stay covered up.

[Whines]
She isn't here and you
wouldn't want to see her.

Not anymore.
Take my word for it.
All right, you asked for it.

She took the other fellow after
all, that royal stuffed shirt.

Seems at this very moment she's
presenting him with a family.
Now, do you give up?

[Whines, Barking]
Here, Buttons.
Where are you going? Here.

[Continues]

Your Majesty.
Good evening, Dr. Zweiback.
Have they arrived yet?

Not quite yet,
Your Majesty.
How is the patient?

Admirable. Temperature normal,
pulse full, soft and regular.
We have no apprehensions.

I warn you, Dr. Zweiback,
I expect every care taken
in the delivery.

They shall be ushered into the
world with all the solicitude
of which my hands are capable.

Stop that nonsense.
Go back to your patient.

If Your Majesty will excuse me,
I feel that I should
be with her now.

[Door Closes]

[Sighs]
Great relief
when this is all over.

I feel exactly as I did
when I was waiting
for the birth ofJohanna.

I realize this
is more important.

What shall we call the little
black things, Holenia?

I've made a list of a few
dark names. For the first born,
I should suggest Othello.

Good.
For the second,
perhaps Cafe Noir.

If he's very small,
Demi-tasse.

And if it's a female, Sheba.
Queen of Sheba, you know.
She was dark.

Simply inspired,
Your Majesty.

[Virgil]
Hey, hey, Buttons.
Buttons.

Come on, Buttons, let's go home.
What do you got there?
What's the matter?

[Panting]

Quiet, darling.
How long, Dr. Zweiback?

Not long at all, Countess.
Not an hour. Not a minute.
Not a second...

because, hocus-pocus,
announcing the first arrival.

[Puppies Whimpering]

Your Majesty had promised Rome
to the Duke von Bregens.
Oh, not definitely.

There's an interesting
possibility in the Hague.

How so?
[Knocking At Door]

Yes.
The puppies
have arrived.

Well?
You've lost one of them?
Well? No.

Are they deformed?
Have they got two heads?
No.

What is it?
Brace yourself,
Baron Holenia.

[Whimpering Continues]

[Holenia]
No.
[Dr. Zweiback]
Yes.

That blasted blackJezebel.
Father, please, don't.
Not now.

Isn't there one of them
that hasn't got so much white?
That's all there is, Baron.

Cursed. Cursed.
She can't do this to me.

She seems
to have done it, Father.

Your Majesty would like to know
if there are any developments.
There are.

What is it, Holenia?
I was told to come here because
it would happen at any minute.

When will it happen?
It has happened,
Your Majesty.

It has? How many?
Three, Your Majesty.

Three? Is that all?
It's not many but I dare say
it will have to do.

Where are my glasses?
I want to see them at once.

I don't think
Your Majesty should.
Why?
Why shouldn't I see them?

Your Majesty, great grief
has befallen us. The puppies...

Come, come, come.
It was beyond my control,
Your Majesty.

The puppies
were born dead.

Dead?
[Dr. Zweiback] One of those
rare, unpredictable occurrences.

The expected mother
must've had a fall.
Dead? All three of them?

[Holenia]
Yes, Your Majesty.
Dead is such an ugly word.

We're bitterly sorry for
Your Majesty's disappointment.
How is Scheherazade?

She's recovering nicely,
thank you, Your Majesty.

Poor Louis.
It will be quite a blow.

In this our moment
of sorrow, may I venture
to offer some consolation?

There will be other days.
She'll give us some puppies yet.
That's the way to look at it.

Come spring
and we can count
on another litter.

The question is,
can I count on another spring?

If I may be permitted, Your
Majesty, it's almost 11:00.
What of it?

The ball, Your Majesty.
Your Majesty is to appear
at 11:00.

His Majesty is
in no mood for a ball.
You're quite right.

I'm in the mood for a cemetery.
Let us proceed to the ball.

[Dr. Zweiback Whispering]
Baron Holenia.

The puppies.
What about the puppies?
Didn't you hear? They're dead.

They are?
They must be.
Dead, buried, forgotten.

See to it at once.
That's an order.

All right, Andreas.
You heard the orders.

[Puppies Whimpering]

Cover up the head.

[Squealing]

[Squealing Continues]

[Virgil]
Hi.!

May I come in or is it past
visiting hours?
Who are you? Get out of here!

Oh, aren't you being a little
rude? This little gentlemen
is a very close relative.

Nobody's allowed in here.
Oh, well, he is.
Say hello to them.

Keep away from her.
Here, look out.
What are you doing?

[Puppies Squealing,
Water Running]
Where are the pups?

Throw him out!
Wait a minute. Where are those
pups? What goes on here?

Orders have been given.
What orders?
What are you gonna do?

Get out of here!
Aaah.

[Dr. Zweiback]
Hold him.!

I flatter myself I handled
the puppy situation rather well.

Do you think it's ever wise
to lie to His Majesty?
The puppies are dead.

I gave orders.
Sssh.
Father!

[Knocking Floor]

[Drum Roll]

[Orchestra]

[Orchestra Continues]

[Orchestra Stops]
You're not gonna kill 'em.
You're not gonna, understand?

'm not gonna let you.!

don't care how many of you
there are. T's probably a good
thing there are so many of you.

Maybe all of you can scrape up
decency to lay off three duffers
who'vejust begun to breathe!

[Panting]
There not pure enough
for you, huh?

Not quite your sort.
Freaks! Little mongrels
You wouldn't have around!

So what are you gonna do?
You're gonna shake 'em off that
great, big noble family tree...

and let them rot
as if nothing had happened!

What have you there,
Mr. Smith?

Scheherazade's puppies,
and you know it!

Baron Holenia.
It seemed wiser. I didn't want
to shock Your Majesty.

Bring them here,
Mr. Smith.

And as my hearing
is not impaired, please
do not shout at me.

Well, I wanted
to get my two cents worth in
before you started talking.

Last time, like a chump,
I kept my mouth shut
and what did you do?

You sold me about the wrong side
of the tracks and me not being
good enough. You remember?

Are we discussing the Countess
von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg
or the contents of that basket?

Well, it amounts
to the same thing.
Only now I know,

with your very kind permission,
that you were full
of cracked ice!

Or maybe I was
to fall for it and walk out
and make a heel out of myself!

Virgil, will you say that
again, please, slowly
and plainly and simply?

Not now, honey Countess.

[Whimpering]

Your Majesty, was it me
that you made him give up?
Yes, Johanna, yes.

We both agreed that with him,
You had only one chance
in a million to be happy.

Your Majesty thinks that I am
happy? Isn't one chance in a
million better than no chance?

My dear, you're much
too pretty for mathematics.
They're all boys.

That's right.
Boys run in Buttons' family.

This tiny one has a bite
like a nutcracker.
They're sweet, Your Majesty.

They'll be the strongest,
the smartest, the funniest...

And between Buttons and me,
we'll bring 'em up right
when we get 'em back home.

- Can I have 'em back now, sir?
- You cannot.

Why should you have Buttons,
Johanna, Scheherazade
and the puppies?

Maybe we could leave one.
The one who's so attached
to His Majesty's finger.

Sounds like a good deal.
I'd even be willing to
withdraw the cracked ice crack.

I'm keeping them all.
Now leave me alone.
Go on, dance, all of you.

[Orchestra]
Your Majesty, if I may...

You may not, Holenia.
I will talk to you later.

Putzi, how do I
look to you now?

I think the word
is ravishing.
Shall we dance?

[Virgil]
Love is a dream

Yet it's so real

Hard to explain

Just how you feel

Deep in your heart

Joy seems to dwell

Like poets say

It's perfectly swell