All language subtitles for Percivals.Big.Night.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

- [Percival] Hey,
what's up, man?

- [Sal] Jesus, man, you
don't fucking knock?

I mean, what if I was
jerkin' my gerkin'?

- Is this Santa Claus
Conquers The Martians?

- Oh, well, you know
the type of material

that I like to masturbate to.

- I saw a delivery
dude get mowed down

by a cabbie about two hours ago.

- Wow, no way.

Was the cabbie a woman?

- No.

- Of the Orient?

- I don't think so.

Okay, God, it's just, oh,
it's so terrible. (laughing)

- [Sal] How many times
do I have to tell you

do not to fucking smoke
cancer cannons in my room?

- You smoke in
here all the time.

- Yes, pot.

I smoke pot in
here all the time.

There's a fucking difference.

You don't get that.
- Smoke is smoke, Sal.

- You know what,
we're not going argue

about it because
we've done this,

and it's decided, you
just smoke by the window.

Smoke by the window.

Smoke by the window.

- Okay, I'm going.

- Smoke by the window.

- I'm going.

- Quickly, smoke - dude,
it's already in (coughing)..

- [Percival] Jesus, Sal.

- [Sal] Do you
want a toke or not?

- [Percival] You know, I
think I smoke too much.

- [Sal] (quoting in
Percival in silly voice)

- [Percival] All I'm saying
is I should cut back.

Fuck.

- [Sal] (whispering) Whatever.

All right, fine, give me a hit.

- [Sal] No, you had your
chance, and you blew it.

This is good shit.

- [Percival] Oh,
yeah, it's the story

of my fucking life, huh?

- Jesus man, why are you
acting like such a bitch?

- [Percival] Nothing, man,
I had a bad day, okay?

- I understand.

I see that, but,
you know, I didn't

have a bad day, it was great.

So why are you trying to drag
me into your fucking gloom?

- [Percival] You know what?

You're right, I'm sorry.

- It just real ruins
the fucking high.

- [Percival] And again, Sal...

Hey, buddy, I apologize.

- I'm just saying, you've
gotta lighten up that...

- [Percival] Sal,
I said I get it.

Lay off!

- Fucking teenage girl.

- [Percival] Oh, hey,
did you speak to Chloe?

- Jesus, man, I'm trying
to watch the movie.

Can I watch the movie?

- [Percival] Well, I
asked you to talk to her

for me, did you?

- No, I forgot or something.

- [Percival] Jesus
Christ, man, look,

I've said it before,
I'll say again,

if you're not going
to talk to her for me,

then give me her number,
so I can call her myself.

- Yeah, yeah, I know
you've said that before,

and you know what?

I've said this before,
and I'll say it one,

one last time...

- You're not gonna...
- Yeah, no.

I cannot do that.

It's called client
confidentiality, okay?

- Seriously?

- And you, no, you
of all people should

understand the nature
of what it is I do.

- You're not a
psychiatrist, Sal.

You're a drug -- you're
an herbal entrepreneur.

- How many times do I...

- This is not a
doctor/patient thing.

Help me out here, man.

- Look, Percy, I...

I have morals.

- You're such a dick.

- No, hey, no, I do.

I do have morals.
- You sell drugs for a living.

- And I don't expect
you to understand

how important they
are to me, okay?

- Yeah, I misread
that, I apologize.

You're always harping
on the fucking chick.

- Whoa! I do not harp!

I ask you once a month, if that.

You are a -- I don't harp.

Okay, yeah, so I harp.
- Yeah.

- What's the big deal?

Hey, if you want to shut me up,

do the right thing.

Give me Chloe.

- Do the right thing?
- The number.

I mean, just let me have it.

- Even if I were to
give you the number,

what the fuck are
you gonna do, man?

I mean, seriously.

Are you just gonna,
like, I don't know,

ring her up out of the
fuckin' blue and just say,

"Hey, it's me, Percy.

"Sal's dorky-ass roommate.

"Do you remember
me by any chance?"

- Okay, she's gonna remember me.

- That's not a pickup line.

- We had a really great
conversation that one time.

- You talked to her?

- Yeah, you were in
here, I don't know

what you were doing, but
we talked in the kitchen

for like five minutes.

- Oh, my God!

Five minutes, that's really
fucking awesome, Jesus!

- Sal, I'm serious about this.

I really like the girl.

- [Sal] You really
like the girl?

- [Percival] Yes!

- [Sal] Okay, let me tell
you something, buddy.

In order to really like a girl,

first thing you've got
to do is know the girl,

and you just admitted
yourself all you've had

is a five-minute
conversation with her.

I would hardly
call that intimate.

And, you know, you shouldn't
call a girl a girl.

Most girls like to
be called woman,

and you can keep
that in your pocket.

- [Percival] Oh, yeah, I will.

- And let me tell I something.

I'm going to educate
you on something,

since you don't know
much about these matters

because you don't
have a computer,

but, Facebook, it's
very important,

and you missed the
Facebook friend

window by about three months.

- That fucking sucks.

- So she's gone,
she's gone, and also

Chloe has very
expensive tastes judging

by the weight that
she buys from me,

and you've been out of
school for 3-1/2 years,

and you're still
waiting tables, okay?

Sorry, it's okay,
but Chloe, she likes

the guy with a
really thick wallet.

That's all I'm trying to say.

And I'm sure she
likes a guy with

a with a big, ol' thick cock.

And let's face it,
in addition to being

poor as fucking dirt,
you have a little,

tiny, slender cock.

It's like a little,
oop, oop, oobldie, poop.

- Okay, yeah, I get it.

Fucking ass.

You're such a douche
sometimes, man.

- Dude, I'm just
trying a little humor.

Percy, come on, man.

You're so fucking
sensitive, Jesus.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

I'm just -- I do not want
her to be weirded out

by anything that you do
and then never come back.

- Why would she --

- It's bad for
business, and she's a

fucking great client.

Listen, I'm doing it for you.

- Oh.

- No, I am, I am.

No, because Chloe is very smart,

and she will sniff you
out for the potentially

great mediocre guy that you are,

and you will be embarrassed.

There, I said it.

Okay, did you bring a
pizza home from work?

I'm fucking hungry.

- (chuckling) No, I did not.

- [Sal] Oh, my God.

- Look, Sal, I
don't want to wait

for the off chance
that see comes by.

I want to talk to her, and I
want to talk to her tonight.

- Let me just share this
little nugget of wisdom

that a good friend of
mine told me, bequeathed

onto me, it goes
something like this.

You can't always
get what you want,

but if you try sometimes,
you just might find

you get what you need.

- Sal, that was Mick Jagger,
not a friend of yours,

and while it is very wise
- just give me your phone.

- [Sal] No, my phone is
under warranty, so fuck off.

- No, fuck you.

- What are you doing?
- Where is it?

- Are you trying
to give me wedgie?

- [Percival] Why do you
gotta make it so hard for me.

- Trying to fall onto
my fucking knees, ow!

Oh, that hurt, you asshole.

Rape! Rape!

Rape, rape, rape, rape!

RAAAAAPE!

- [Percival] Shut up, dude.

Someone's gonna hear
you through the wall,

and they're going to
call the cops on you.

Do you want that?

- [Sal] Oh, God, man,
you ruffled my mustache.

- And I will ruffle a hell
of a lot more next time.

- And you hurt my leg.

- Oh, come on, that
was a love tap.

- [Man] (muffled) Keep it down
up there, I'm telling you!

- (both) Go fuck yourself,
Bitch Tits! (pounding)

- [Sal] I fucking hate that guy.

- Goddammit.

Hey, how do I get to
contacts on this thing?

- It's the button right
there on the bottom screen.

- Oh, why is it connecting
me to the Internet?

- Can I see it?

- No, fuck you, you
won't give it back.

- I will.

- No, I got it.

Wait that's system preferences.

- Percy, you're going
to break it, man.

- Now it's showing me
a map of Tennessee.

- That's great, give me that.

Jesus, it's a SmartPhone, okay?

So you can just
type her name in.

C-H-L-O-E.

- Chloe.
- Chloe.

There she blows, see?

- What's her last name?

- Beats me, actually.

You know what we can do?

You know what we can do?

We can call her and ask.

- Oh, my God, what are you
- why would you do that?

Jesus Christ, man!
That's not funny.

I need a minute.

I've gotta say this right.

I've got to figure out
what I'm going to say.

Excuse me, can you
turn that down?

I need to think.

Sal, I need you to focus, okay?

I need your help for this.

- [Sal] Fine.
- [Percival] Jesus.

- [Sal] Proceed.

- Okay, so you're right.

I need to get my act together,

and Chloe feels to me like
the first step, you know?

And I want to invite her over

in a way that doesn't
necessarily suggest

a romantic setting but
that does firmly imply

I have very important
feelings that

I need to share with
her, and you know her

better than I do,
and I haven't really

talked to a girl...

A woman
- A woman.

- In some time so,
please...hey, hey, hey man.

oh, my, God.
- Hey, hey, hey, man.

It's on vibrate mode, which
means it fucking vibrates, okay?

- Sorry, it just - the
buzz, it was, like, woo!

- Oh, my God, speak
of the fucking devil.

- Chloe?

Oh, my God, let me answer it.

- Are you fucking bananas.

Why would you answer
my business line?

Hey!

Hello?

- [Chloe] It's Chloe.

- Chloe, baby.

- [Chloe] Hey.

- Yeah, how you doing?

- [Chloe] Good, hey I
just got a call from you.

Did you call me?

- No I didn't - oh,
my God, I'm so sorry.

I must've done the whole
butt-dial thing, you know.

- [Chloe] That's
actually perfect,

I was thinking of
coming by anyway.

- Really?

- [Chloe] Yeah.

- Well, fancy that,
you were thinking

of coming by anyway.

- [Chloe] Do you think you
could hook me up with...

- Yeah, absolutely,
I could hook you up.

Let me just take
a look at the --

Oh, actually, try not
to use those words

over the phone because you
never know what's bugged.

I'll take a look at the...

Here, let's see, oh, I'm
all out of the schooze

but I just got a new shipment
of the whatsmahoozit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the stuff that I
brought to you and Devin

when you guys were
chilling on his roof.

Yeah, you were - yeah.

Oh, my God, did I hear?

Of course I heard.

- [Chloe] Great.

- Of course I heard, yeah.

I mean, the dude's lucky
that chick was a nurse

other otherwise, he might've
been totally fucked.

(chuckling)

Yeah, I've got the change.

The usual?

Great, well just go ahead

and buzz me whenever
you get here.

I'm chilling.

Great, well, I will
talk to you then, babe.

All right, yeah.

Yep, bye.

- She's coming over.
- She's coming over.

- Okay, okay, when
is she coming over?

- Dude, that's funny.

She's coming - I don't know.

She didn't say.

She could be anywhere.

She could be here any minute.

- Okay, well what did she say?

- Well, she actually
said she's going to

come over her and
slurp your nads.

- That's not funny, man.

- What do you fucking
think she said, man.

She's coming to buy drugs,

which means I've gotta
weigh that shit out.

- Okay, well, did you
tell her I was here?

- [Sal] Jesus, man, did
you hear me do that?

- Shit, okay, you're right.

Does she know that I'm here?

- [Sal] Know that you're here?

We just went over this, man.

She probably doesn't
know who you are.

Hey, I was thinking maybe
she might like to --

Are you cleaning my room?

- [Percival] Yeah,
hey, we need to quickly

lay out some ground rules.

- [Sal] Hey, hey, Jesus,
man, will you watch the bong?

I don't appreciate
you moving my clothes

around and shit, I keep them
in very specific places.

I know which ones are dirty,

and those, I was ...

Are you out of your mind?

I've been saving these
roaches for a month!

Get of out my way.

- I need you to let
me use your room.

- Use my room?

- When Chloe comes over.

Wait, no I don't
want her to think

anything's out of the ordinary.

- [Sal] Okay, look, she may
not know what you look like,

but she certainly
knows what I look,

and she'll know instantly
that you are not me.

How is that not out
of the ordinary?

- Because I'm gonna
make the deal tonight.

- I don't like it being
called that, Percy.

It's a transaction.

- You just called yourself a
dealer, like, 30 seconds ago.

- You know what,
what do you mean

you are going to make
the deal tonight?

- I mean, I'll make the deal.

You are not around.

You ate bad Chinese.

- I ate what?

- You ate bad Chinese.
- Bad Chinese?

- When she called,
you were having dinner

and then you got sick,
and you went to lie down,

but you went to
lie down in my room

so that when she came
over, she could see me

weigh out the goods and whatnot.

That works, right?

I think that's really good.

- What are we
implying here, Percy?

That I got the
shits or something?

- [Percival] (chuckles)
Yeah, I guess so.

- No, that does not work for me.

Why would that work for me?

- Come on, just do me
this favor, one time?

Sal, I never ask
you for anything.

And I will never do anything

to piss you off ever again.

In fact, I'll pray for you.

- Okay, fine, use my room.

Yep, use my room.

I will go in your room, and
I'll do nothing I guess,

seeing as you don't
have a computer or a TV.

How am I supposed to
finish my movie now, huh?

- [Percival] Can't
you just read a book?

- You know what I could do?

I could play around
with the moats of dust

that are floating in
your air, or, hey,

Percy, I could peruse your
CD collection, circa 1998.

Hey, I know you've got
a stiffy for Creed.

So what, now you
don't want my room?

What is this, man?

- Hey, do you mind if
I play your records

when she comes over?

- No, I don't mind.

- I think it'll feel more
natural if there's music.

- Okay, you can use my records,

but you've got to keep
them in order, okay?

Seriously, and
please do me a favor?

Try not to touch them
with your fingers at all.

I know that you have
small hands, but you
leave fudge marks.

- I know how to
handle little records.

Fudge marks?

I don't even eat fudge, man.

- Are you changing?

- Yeah.

- Why are you changing?

- Because I don't want
to look like a bum.

- So instead, you're
going to dress like

some fucking hippie
dippy dude at Woodstock.

That's fucking paisley.

- I'm trying to look
presentable, Sal, God.

- Are you seriously
going to wear that?

That's a bow tie, in case
you're blind or something.

- I was thinking
about this, too, is

is this too much?

I mean...

You know, walking around
the neighborhood lately,

I noticed that the
ironic sort of dated look

is really in right
now, a few guys...

- No, actually, you
know, you're right.

You're right, it is in.

It looks good on you too,
so you should wear it,

and then we can
pretend that you're my

Chippendale butler, oh,
you're so cute, excuse me.

- Fuck you, man!

You could use a fucking butler.

Do not sit on my clean clothing.

- (raspberry)

- [Percival] This room is
a sty, you're disgusting.

- Oh, you know what?

How about you just worry about
your room, all right chief,

and I'll worry about mine?

- [Percival] In some cases, Sal,

that rule does not apply.

See, we share the
same apartment.

If you get roaches,
I get roaches.

We've been over this.

They don't choose
where to infest, Sal.

- All right, I
will clean my room

more often, okay?

Jesus fucking Christ,
are you happy?

Hey! Hey! You whiny little
bitch, get back here.

You might want to
brush your teeth,

because your breath smells like
you've been eating dog shit.

- I'm serious about this, bud.

If things work out the way
I want them to tonight,

some basic things about my life,

our lives in some cases,
is gonna have to change,

and for one thing, man,
if I'm gonna be having

Chloe come over and
stuff, there cannot be --

God, look at all this
shit lying around!

We don't live in a
dorm room anymore

that we can just
trash for a year

before some other
asshole takes it.

For instance, normal
people, they don't

collect empty beer
bottles and beer cans,

or if they do, they're
interesting, unique.

They're washed.

They're not
crunched-up Budweisers

that smell like stale urine.

Sal?

- Yeah?

- [Percival] This
one still has beer in

it and cigarette butts.

That's disgusting.

- That's where those went.

- [Percival] Dude,
we're supposed to be

like real people now, man.

- I'm a real person.

- [Percival] Oh, you are?

Come on, man, were
supposed to do things

like clean up after
ourselves and pay our bills.

- Oh, my God, this
little chestnut.

- [Percival] I
mean, come on, man.

It's called credit, Sal, and
it takes a while to build.

It takes trust.

Right now...

- We have bad credit.

- Yeah, we do.

I mean, do you really
understand what that means?

- I understand what
it means fine, Percy.

- Think about it this way,

50 years ago at our
age, we'd already

be expected to have
a wife and kids

and a steady, well-paying
career position

in some company or field.

We'd have to make a down
payment on a starter home.

I mean, don't you
realize it or have

any of those things.

- Do you hear yourself, man?

- We don't have that stuff,

and it doesn't seem like
it's coming any time soon.

Does that not worry you?

- Worry me? No.

Why would that worry me?

Dude, it's a relief.

It's a relief because
to me, that just

sounds like a fucking
death sentence.

A starter home and children?

- Well, actually, it's called

the American Dream but whatever.

- The American Dream,
whose dream is that,

because it's not
mine, all right.

- [Percival] Oh, yeah,
do you have a better one?

- Yes, I have a dream, okay?

It's so fucking good that
you couldn't even handle it,

so I'm not going to tell you.

It would melt your
face like, the Nazis

in Raiders of The Lost Ark.

- Dude, look, I know sometimes

it doesn't feel like there's
a future, but there is.

Sooner than later we're
going to be living in it.

We have to stop procrastinating.

Hey, this water,
how old is this?

- I don't know, man.

It's from last
night or something.

- Look, man, I'm not
trying to be judgmental.

- No, no, sure you're not.

- I'm saying, you know,
things need to change.

- Yeah, oh, besides your outfit

or what are we
talking about here?

- Yes, besides that.

- Okay, got it.

- Hey, how do I look?

Come on.

- I don't know, I hate
complimenting you.

Why do you got to
make me do this?

- You don't have
to compliment me.

- Okay, you look good,
if that'll shut you up.

You look good.

If you're smooth, Chloe
might even, you know,

give you a kiss
right on the cheek.

- What? Are the
neighbors fucking, man?

What are you looking at there?

- I can't stop smiling.

- You got me all excited, man.

I thought it was...

- You should be excited.

- The neighbors right over...
- I'm happy.

- Well, you're happy.

- Yeah, I'm actually happy.

I mean, I've always
believed that my life

was going to be
happy, and I think

it's supposed to be but

man, tonight with
Chloe coming over,

this just feels like...

- Wait-wait-wait, just stop!

I don't want to hear this.

Take a seat, please sit.

- [Percival] Okay, I'm sitting.

- Percy?

- Yeah?

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- What do you mean?

- No, I'm sorry, no, I'm sorry.

That that was a rhetorical
question. I get the gist

of what you're talking
about, and really,

I don't like it.

You're scaring me, so can you
nip that thinking in the bud?

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

- Okay, we're men, right?

- Well, yeah.

- Yeah, so we think like that.

We think like that, and
would like to believe

that women are going
to say this in the end,

and they're going
to take care of us,

and we rely on them, and
I don't know why, man.

Maybe it's the whole fucking
mother-earth image, you know?

It's a hypothesis.

I haven't proven it,
but the point is, man,

we like to believe that as men,

we find that perfect
mate, she's going

to be our better
halves, and everything

in our lives that's
lame and sad and boring,

she's going to make
really fucking great.

I mean, am I right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, get that shit
out of your head, Percy.

It's not going to
be like that, man.

I mean, come on, that's
Hollywood-ending bullshit.

Do me a favor, pal.

Take a nice, deep
breath, calm down,

and think about
this realistically

because you are acting
a little wheels off,

and you're talking
about babies and shit.

What do you see in Chloe?

A woman who you've only
known for 5 minutes?

- Okay, that day she
looked really tired.

Like she needed a hug or someone

to take care of
her for a change.

Okay, obviously, the
first thing I noticed

was how beautiful she is.

- [Sal] Bingo.

- But her beauty
isn't the point.

It's the way she carries it.

You know, like, she
knows she has it

but she doesn't
really rely on it.

Maybe she wants people to get

to know her and
not just her looks.

- [Sal] I don't need
to hear anymore,

because I'm not talking about

the same fucking
thing that you are.

I'm talking about nothing
that's face value.

I'm talking about
what about this chick,

this woman, what about
this woman, deep down

lights your fire, okay?

- [Percival] You just
asked me what I see in her.

- Percy, I'm going to be
perfectly honest with you,

maybe even painfully
so, hey buddy?

Sounds to me like
you don't love Chloe.

You love the idea
of loving someone

that's like Chloe, and
you don't even know her,

so I just want you to chill out.

- You are trying so hard to
fuck with my head right now.

Oh, my God, you
want her, don't you?

- [Sal] I want her?

- I just acted faster
than you thought I would,

and now you're trying
to buy yourself time.

Am I right?

- [Sal] Are you
right about what?

- I think I'm right.

I'm right aren't I?

You like Chloe.

Oh, my God, why didn't
I see that before.

- [Sal] I would never
go for Chloe, okay, man?

Not without a rubber, okay?

- Oh, wow, okay, you don't
know her any better than I do.

- [Sal] I know her a hell
of a lot better than you do.

- Look, I want to get
to know her, okay?

- [Sal] Well, that's
fine, hey, hey, man!

Keep them in fucking order.

I asked you nicely.

- [Percival] Look, Sal, I'm
done taking up space, okay?

Call it a bad idea.

Call it whatever the fuck
you want, but I'm done.

And as far as
Chloe is concerned,

I don't want to hear
anymore out of you.

You can have your
opinion of her.

That's totally cool, but
please don't fuck with mine.

She should be here
any minute, so you

should probably go to
my room so that I can

choose a record and...
- I got it, I got it.

You know, Percy, for
argument sake, man.

- [Percival] You're still here?

- Well, hear me out, man.

What if I did like her

or, you know, God forbid,
what if I fucked her?

I mean, seriously, what
would you do about it?

- [Percival] Oh, my
God, do you really want

to get into this right now?

- Get into what?

- Get into what?

You're talking about having
sex with a girl that I'm...

- No, I'm not, I
just want to know,

well, I don't know,
if our friendship

is more important
to you than some

fucking druggie bitch,
that's all, man.

- Oh, that is too far.

You cannot talk
about her like that.

- I can talk about
her like that.

What the fuck is this shit?

I don't believe what
I'm hearing, man.

Look, I will do whatever I want.

I will talk to her
like that if I want.

I'll stay in the room if I want.

I'll deal the fucking
drugs myself if I want.

I'll hang out with my
fucking wiener out, man.

- You're disgusting, dude.

- I'm disgusting?
Listen to you, man.

- You are trying to piss me off,

telling me you've fucked Chloe

when I know she would
never even fuck you.

- Oh, she would never fuck me?

Well, what the fuck?

What makes you think she'd
fuck your scrawny, little ass?

- What makes you
think she won't?

- Would you keep your
fucking voice down.

I'm just talking, all right?

- You think you're better
than me, don't you?

You always fucking have.

- I don't, no, I don't.

- It makes you feel
comfortable looking down on me.

Oh, like, hey, yeah,
my life ain't so bad.

Look at his, look at yours.
- Get out of my face.

- No, I won't.

You're lying in bed all day.

You're sucking down red
vines and fucking Cheetos.

You're scratching your ass...
- Stop touching me.

- Sal, what you have
done with your life?

- Hey, newsflash, buddy.

I've got my shit sorted a
helluva lot better than you.

So shut your fucking mouth.

- [Percival] Oh, you
are in denial, man.

You've been selling
pot since you were 14.

Do you honestly think your
parents would be proud of that?

How do they think you pay for
all the shit you have anyway?

With your half-assed
BA in Fine Arts?

Aren't you ever
going to get tired of

being a low-life pothead?

You've had smoke
coming out of your ears

24/7 for the past
ten fucking years.

Fuck this.

- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I've got smoke
coming out my ears.

Well, what about you, man?

Let's talk about
you for a second.

You high-horse-riding asshole.

Do I run my mouth all the time

about how fucking great I am?

You know, say, I'm
going to be an actor

and I'm going to
write screenplays,

and I'm going to join
the fucking Peace Corps.

The Peace Corps
Percy, who the fuck

even does that shit?

And what did you do, man?

Besides hang out in
this fucking place

looking at this shit?

What do you do, man?

You fucking did nothing.

No, hey, scratch that.

Don't pick it up, scratch that.

You wait fucking tables.

- [Percival] I'm a bartender.

- [Sal] Yeah, you're
a fucking bartender.

You are a bar back.

All right, listen to me, man.

You should keep making
distinctions for yourself

if it makes you
feel better about

your stupid, fucking life.

- Fuck you.
- No, hey, fuck you.

At least I don't lie to myself
about who I really am, okay?

And if your life
were half as exciting

as it is in all of
your fucking dreams,

because that is what
they are, buddy.

They're fucking dream,
well, then maybe Chloe

might teach you the
location of a fucking clit.

But it ain't ever going to be.

Do you want to know
why, mon frere?

Because you are a fucking
asshole, limp-dick loser.

- Fuck you!

(arguing back and forth)

- Percy! What the fuck?

- Don't call me Percy.

Only my friends do.

- Okay.

Okay, partner, uncle.

(coughing)

- [Bitch Tits] (pounding)
What's going on up there!

(indistinct shouting)

- [Sal] Here, take
your fucking costume.

- Are you okay?

- What the fuck do
you even care, man?

- I care.
- No.

You don't care.

We are not friends,
according to you.

- There's only so much
I can take, Salvatore.

Even if you are my friend.

- Jesus Christ, what
is this, the new Percy?

He's a fucking tough
guy all of the sudden?

- Yeah, maybe.

- You're lucky I didn't
punch you in the face.

- I know.

- No, I'm serious.
- I know.

- I'm serious, Percival.

My feelings, they get
her too sometimes,

even though a peer is
impregnable fortress, okay?

- Sal, I know.

- What, now that's, like, it?

- Well, no, I mean, it's
over when we both apologize.

- Fuck you, Percy.

You apologize to me, man.

- I just said we both have to.

- Well, then you go first.

- Are you going to say
you're sorry right after me?

- Yeah.
- Bullshit.

- Fine, same time.

- (both) I'm sorry.

- Did you mean all that mean
stuff that you said to me, man?

- Some of it, yeah.

You?

- Some of it, yeah.

- It's not like I
didn't already know

most of that stuff
in a way, you know?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

You're not gonna, like, move
out or some shit, are you?

- Do you want me to?
- No.

Oh, fuck no, I don't want that.

Man, imagine that?

Me explaining to somebody new,

"Well, hello, nice to meet you.

"My name is Sal.

"I'm an asshole, and I deal
drugs, and I don't do dishes,

"because that's not my thing."

Come on, man.

That'd be awkward, right?

- Yeah.

- Thank God you're
not moving out so

I don't have to deal with that.

- Yeah, I think we're stuck
with each other, old buddy.

- (chuckles)

Dude, that was so
fucking Oxygen Network.

I can't believe you.

- What?

- All right, you know what?

I'm going to get
out of your hair.

I know you've got very
important shit to deal with.

- Yes.

- Oh, shit, man, hey.

No, listen, listen,
hey, very important.

If Chloe brings that
half-Japanese chick

friend of hers, Riku, you've got

to let me know about
that shit, all right?

- Chloe better not
bring a friend.

That totally fucks with my plan.

- Dude, she always
brings a friend, okay?

- No, she did not
to bring a friend

that time that time I met her.

- Oh, wait, that's right.

She started bringing
backup after she met you,

my creepy fucking
roommate, now I get it.

- That's not true, but...

- [Sal] Percy, just
tell me if she brings

the half-Japanese chick, okay?

I really like her.
- Yeah, okay.

We'll see.

- [Sal] Excuse me?

Eh? Eh? No.

You're going to owe me
big-time for this, man.

- I know.
- No, I'm serious.

We're talking big time.

The opportunity with
Chloe, letting you do

this little deal or
whatever the fuck,

and letting you slander me
and punch me in the face,

we're talking big time, okay?

The least you can do is
tell me if Riku comes.

- Hey, thank you, Sal.
- [Sal] Yeah, whatever.

(knocking)

- What?

- [Sal] Do you have
an ashtray in here?

- Yes, it's on the window sill.

- [Sal] Hey, thanks sweetheart.

- You're welcome, darling.

(buzzing)

Who is it?
- [Chloe] Chloe, open up.

- [Sal] Oh, Jesus,
man, this is gross.

You're supposed to come later.

- Shut up, man, hey!

You're supposed
to be sick, okay?

(background chatter)

- [Percival] Right this way.
- [Chloe] Is Sal here?

- [Percival] Watch your step.

We had to fire the help.

- [Chloe] Yeah, a joke, right?

Because Sal has the money
for a maid, I'm sure.

- [Percival] Oh,
yeah, it was a joke.

- [Chloe] No offense, you
guys could kind of us it.

I mean, not that I'm
particularly tidy.

- [Percival] Oh, well, I
mean, you know, it's communal.

It's hard to keep...

- [Riku] You know, Chloe had
a maid when she was little.

Porche.

She was so nice.

You're so lucky you had somebody

around to clean up your messes.

Whatever happened to her?

- My mom fired her
during the divorce.

- Oh, that's right,
Scarlett O'Hara over here.

- Gone with The Wind.

- Where's Sal?

- Oh, he's in my room.

He ate some bad Chinese
right after you called,

and he needed to take a nap.

- [Riku] Why is he
napping in your room?

- Well, he wanted
you two to be able

to come over and
check out the goods,

see me weigh it out, maybe
hit a bong if you want.

Plus, he didn't want
to contaminate you.

- What a sweetie.
- [Riku] Hope he feels better.

- Tell him next time to eat

some of Riku's people's cuisine,

then his ass won't explode.

- [Riku] Chloe, you are
a disgusting cesspool.

- [Percival] He
doesn't like sushi.

- That's too bad.

- You know, there are
other things to eat

in Japan besides sushi.

- Oh, don't act like
he offended you.

You're such a bitch.

- That's why you keep me around.

- That was real nice of Sal,

but he could've just weighed
it out or something beforehand.

- Well, he wanted you two
to have the full experience.

- [Riku] I feel like I
should say hi to him.

- [Percival] I'm
sure he'd like that.

You know, my room is just
right there to the right.

- I was just going to say hi.

- We have to meet
Adam in 20 minutes.

- Well, I was just
going to pop in.

It's not like I'm taking
his fucking temperature.

Oh, my God, don't
give me that look.

Besides, you were just
saying on the way over here

you weren't even
sure if you wanted

to meet up with that asshole.

Why do you need
me to come anyway?

- I told you why.

Look, we can talk
about this later, okay?

Just say hi and come right back.

- All right, mom.

- Sorry, I'm just
stressed out tonight.

- Oh, that's - take a seat.

Are you thirsty?

- No, I'm good, thanks.

- [Percival] You know,
when I have a long day,

I like to do something
nice to treat myself

at the end of it.

You know, go get something
healthy to eat for dinner,

buy a new book.

Do you ever do
anything like that?

- You're holding it.

- Oh, right.

- Expensive habit, I know.

- Hey, at least you don't smoke.

- I smoke.

- Well, what do you know?

I smoke too.

What's your brand?

- Capris.

- Really, the...
- Oh, I know,

they're totally girly, but
it's what I've always smoked.

I mean, ever since I
was in high school.

Oh, God, I remember
I used to sneak out

through the fire escape,
and up on the roof,

there's this old motorcycle.

It was all busted
up and rusting.

I have no idea how
it got up there,

but I would sit on
the motorcycle, look
out over the city,

and smoke my Capris.

One day, the motorcycle
was just gone.

Somebody threw it away, I guess.

- [Percival] Yeah,
I've never had a Capri.

- Well, I would hope not.

- Well, I smoke real
cigarettes, Camel filters.

- Well, I guess I've never
had a real cigarette then.

- I'll trade you, if
you'd like to try one.

- Okay.

Don't be offended if I ask to
switch after a couple drags.

- Well, I'll try not to
be, but you never know.

- Oh, God, I feel like
I'm going to break it.

- You know, I have
been smoking Camels

since I was, well, for
like six years now.

So I used to smoke
them when the pack

was still that old-school one.

You know, that classic
design that you see

in all the movies and stuff.

Then they changed
it to this design,

and recently, as some
promotional thing

that they're doing,
some of the filters

don't have the Camel on them.

Like he broke out of the
circle and he escaped

somewhere in the desert,
and there's like this code

that you're supposed
to enter online to try

to find the camel, but I
don't want to find the camel,

go get dehydrated and shit.

I just want the camel
on my pack, you know?

So, yeah, I miss that old
design especially though.

You know, I even still have
one pack I never opened.

I don't know if it'll
ever be worth anything,

but you never know.

Sometimes - I'm sorry.

This is probably the most boring

conversation you've ever had.

I don't know why I just...

- I wasn't thinking about it.

I was just thinking
you're not addicted

to cigarettes,
just the packaging.

- Yeah, I wish.

- Listen, I don't
mean to be rude,

but I'm kind of in a
hurry, so do you mind if...

- Oh, right, I'm sorry.

I just - so, we have here
is the purple train skunk

and this here, this is the
granddaddy of them all,

the Middle-Eastern fuzzy toad.

- (chuckling)

- What?

- Oh, nothing, it's
just those names.

- Oh, no, am I...

- You don't do
this often, do you?

- No, I've never
done this before.

- Okay, Middle
Eastern fuzzy toe,

that's pretty creative,
I'll give you that.

- Thanks, hey, I mean,
you're the expert

so investigate all you want.

There's a bong on the
table there, if you

want to taste all the notes.

- Thank you, don't mind if I do.

- I don't.

- Do you ever read Vonnegut?

- What?
- Kurt Vonnegut.

- [Riku] I think
Sal's in the bathroom.

- Did you knock?

- Yeah, I hear the
shower running,

but the door's locked,
and he's not answering.

Do you think he's sick?

Maybe he needs to
go to the hospital.

- [Percival] No, no,
I'm sure he's fine.

- How do you know?

He could've slipped in the
shower and hit his head.

- [Percival] Well, okay,
Sal might be embarrassed

if I told you this
but sometimes,

when he takes a shit, he
likes to run the shower,

smoke a joint, you know,
listen to his iPod.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, sometimes.

- Yeah, that or he
got sick, passed out,

and cracked his
fucking skull open.

- Geez, Riku, you're
being so dramatic.

- I'm so sorry, it's the coke.

It makes me paranoid.

- [Chloe] Well, just calm
down, we'll get the stuff

and go get some
fresh air and a cab.

We can say hi to Sal
next visit, okay?

- Whoa, Chloe, a friend of
mine OD'd in a bathroom.

I'm not letting
that happen to Sal.

If we don't hear that shower
turn off in 10 minutes,

we're breaking down that door.

- Since when does Sal put
a kink in your panties?

- I'm a humanitarian,
so shoot me.

- You're just acting
a little bananas.

Why don't you take a time out?

- If he's dead,
it's not my fault.

- Fine, you can blame me.

I'm sorry, you probably
want to get this over with.

- [Percival] Oh, gosh, no, no.

I mean, this is the most
exciting part of my day,

so it's not a problem at all.

- Oh, you need to get out more.

- [Chloe] You
shouldn't be a bitch

to someone you hardly know.

- Was I being bitchy?

- No, I wouldn't say so.
- See!

He doesn't mind.

- Just try to be polite, okay?

You're embarrassing me.

- [Percival] Oh, gosh,
don't be embarrassed.

She's just poking
fun, right Riku?

- Right, I'm just poking fun.

- So we were talking
about Vonnegut.

- Whoa, what?

- Well, not you, obviously.

You weren't here, we were.

Chloe, have you
ever read Vonnegut?

- I'm sorry, what
were we talking about?

- Kurt Vonnegut,
you never listen.

- I was listening, and
then you distracted me.

- I read some of his
stuff in college.

I love them, but they
were short stories.

I can't remember the
title but it's, like...

- Have you ever read
his stuff, Chloe?

- I mean, I've heard of him but

I don't really read that
much, fiction that is.

I don't have time for it.

- [Percival] (chuckles)
Oh, yeah, okay.

I was just wondering.

- But if I was to
finally pick up a book

and check him out, which
one should I read first?

- Oh, gosh, that's a really
hard question to answer.

- That is such a
really hard question.

- Are we going to buy some
pot and check on Sal or what?

It's getting late,
Chloe, what about Adam?

- Right, sorry,
take a tranquilizer.

- I guess I'll try some of this
stuff here, if that's okay.

- That's what it's here for.

- [Chloe] Riku, you want some?

- What a ridiculous question.

- Are you having any?

- No, no, you know
what, I'm fine.

Here you two just enjoy.

I am going to go, you
know, check on Sal.

- Well, that's great.

I'm sure if he's bleeding
out, there's still time.

- Right.
- Right.

- Right, right, right.

- Oh, come on, be nice.

- It's sweet, but the
guy's a total dork.

- Well, maybe he's thinking
you're a total jerk,

but you don't see
him being rude.

- He's totally in love with you.

- Shut up!

Thanks for telling him
about Porche, by the way.

That gives a nice
first impression.

- Relax, I was making
pleasant conversation.

And like you need any other
impression beyond your legs.

One look at you and the
guy's a smitten kitten.

Doesn't matter
what we talk about,

he's not listening.

He's on Cloud Nine.

I mean, look at the bags of
ganga he just left out for us.

It's a little generous, no?

Let's just pocket some of this
and screw buying an eighth.

We'll just go for a 20,
save some money for the cab.

- You know, maybe
for once it'd be nice

to meet a guy and not come
off as some rich bimbo.

- Honey, nothing I'm saying
is giving him that impression.

That shit's all in your head.
- [Chloe] Sure it is.

And no, we will
not rob these guys.

We will buy our pot.

Can't we go one place without
you stealing something?

- What are you talking about?

- [Chloe] The other
day at the bar,

you stole the salt
and pepper shakers.

And then you nabbed
that really foxy scarf

you were eyeing at Monk.

- I was all out of my
salt and my pepper.

And that scarf makes
my tits look bigger.

Those are just two incidents,

so don't get all
fucking nun on me.

- [Chloe] Eat a dick.

- Are you gonna
spark that or what?

- [Chloe] I wasn't kidding
about that Percy guy though.

He's looking at you like a dog.

No, that has bad implications.

Like a puppy, a
loving, stupid puppy.

- [Chloe] He's looking
at me, so what?

- Yeah, but he's
not looking at you

the way most guys
look at a girl.

When you talk, it's like he's
watching poetry in motion.

- [Chloe] He's just
paying attention.

- He's enthralled
is more like it.

- [Chloe] Why wouldn't
he be listening?

- [Riku] He doesn't
have a snatch?

- Okay, believe it
or not, there are

plenty of guys who are polite,
make eye contact, and listen.

I have plenty of guy
friends that I can just

talk to and be myself around.

It doesn't have to be
about some ulterior motive.

- [Riku] Oh, come on, Chloe.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

I mean, he hasn't
even looked at me

since we got here.

- Oh, so that's
it, you're jealous.

- [Riku] Jealous, why
would I be jealous?

- [Chloe] Don't worry,
there'll be plenty

of guys to eye fuck
you at the bar.

- You think I'm
a jealous person.

- [Chloe] Shut up,
okay, I'm just saying,

he's cute, but like you
said, a little awkward.

- Uh-huh, but
because you're a sap,

you find that sort
of thing endearing.

- Clear the rest of that.

- [Riku] Yeah, all right.

Do we really have
to go see Adam,

because I really don't want to.

- Maybe I should
call him and cancel.

I don't think I can
see him tonight.

I don't think I can handle it.

But he begs.

Can't there be a clean break?

It's over, I told him that.

- [Riku] I'm sure you did.

- On the other hand, I know that

if I call and cancel
on him this late

it's going to be
this fucking thing.

He's going to get
all pissed off.

Thirty calls a fucking day.

And if we don't go,
that means I have

to go home to my bitch mother.

Maybe we should just go back
to your place after we pick up.

- Oh, piss on that.

I got all dressed up
to go out tonight.

- Well, if we're
going to go see Adam,

we need to be good and stoned.

- I'm high as balls.

- [Chloe] What is going
on in that bathroom?

(chuckling) I feel like we
should go check on them.

I mean, God forbid, they're
actually, like, lovers.

- Whoa, whoa, don't
say shit like that.

- [Chloe] You don't need
to get so defensive.

- Well, I don't like how
you rag on him all the time.

- Who, Sal?

- Yeah, you always
imply stuff about him,

about his character.

You don't even really know him.

- I know him better than you.

What's the difference, you were
just making fun of Percival.

- Well, so what?

You don't even like him.

Wait, I mean, do you?

Do you? Do you? Do you?

- [Chloe] I'm gonna
go check on the boys.

- Chloe, I'm not
trying to piss you off,

and I'm not saying Percival's
the one or anything.

- [Chloe] The one?

- But he's normal, so
why don't you forget

about that motherfucker, Adam,
and give this guy a chance?

You have to meet somebody nice.

At least before you're 30.

- What makes you
think I'm looking?

- Oh, wait, so you don't
want a steady teddy?

You're happy with
the the continual

string of assholes
week after week?

Just like shitty anal beads...

- [Chloe] Oh, why are
you so disgusting?

- Don't deny, you
would like to be close

to someone for more
than one night.

And I'm just saying,
Percival doesn't seem

to be the hump-and-dump
case, so be careful.

- I don't understand
where the hell

you're getting all this, okay?

Just because he makes
polite conversation

with his roommate's
clients does not mean

that he wants a relationship,

and it's certainly no indication
that he's a good person.

And it doesn't mean
I want to fuck him.

All I said was that he was
cute, that's it, all right?

So drop it.
- It's dropped.

- I'm going to go make sure
they're not balls deep.

- [Sal] Oh, I've got
to put glue in that

and put it right in there.

- [Chloe] Hey, Sal, good
to see you in one piece.

- Good to see you.

How are you?

Sorry I took a second.

- [Riku] What did you eat?

Don't order that again.

I had Mexican food.

Yeah, the spices in
that shit, oh boy.

- I thought you had Chinese.
- [Riku] Yeah.

- Oh, no-no, I'm sorry.

I actually had the Chinese.

- [Sal] That's right,
pea-dingle had Chinese,

and I had Mexican food.

That's not the point.

The point is that I feel better,

and I had to cool off
and just adjust and shit.

You know, I took a shower.

- [Riku] What
happened to your neck?

- Nothing happened.

- So everything
came out all right?

- Yes!

- [Percival] Yeah, he
was saying, though,

that he thinks he might
need to lie down again.

He just wanted to come
in and say, hi, you know?

- No, I didn't say that.

- We were going to go out,
but if you're feeling better,

maybe all of us should
just hang out together.

- Riku, I thought we
talked about this.

We have to go.

Not that I'm not
happy to see you.

- Come on, Chloe, drop it.

Adam can wait 30 minutes.

Let us smoke this bowl together.

- That sounds like a great idea.

It's on me.

- [Percival] Granted,
Sal, but you're...

- I told you I felt fine.

- [Riku] Well, the
important thing is

that you're feeling better.

Would you like a hit?

I would - yeah.

Which one of these
did you choose?

- We haven't decided
yet, we're testing.

- You're testing?

- But whatever this shit
we're smoking is, it's dick.

- Yeah, no, that's very
good, very good stuff.

You know what, go
ahead and pack us

another one of those, okay?

I've just got to chat
with Percy for a second.

Just a sec.

Hey, Percy, can I chat with you?

- [Percival] Yeah,
sure, what's up?

- What the fuck
is all that, man?

- I was just giving
them a sample.

- You're just giving
them a sample.

I don't want you giving
them my whole stash.

- Chill out.
- I am chill, okay?

Just don't ever do it again.

- Let's at least smoke
this bowl together first.

- [Sal] Okay, yeah,
absolutely, pow-wow style, huh?

Riku, Percy.

- [Riku] Sal.

Did you go to that interview.

With the photographer?

- Oh, right that.

- [Chloe] How did that go?

- [Sal] How did that go?

It was good, it was one
of those things, you know?

- [Riku] Don't know, actually.

Did you get it?

- Well, I don't know,
actually, because

I didn't hear back from him yet.

- [Chloe] You should
really check up on that.

I mean, I know it's not
National Geographic...

- [Sal] Oh, stop mocking me.

- I'm not, I'm just saying,
if you want to get anywhere

you have to start
somewhere, right?

- [Sal] Yeah, yeah.

- [Riku] Oh, yeah, and you take
really lovely pictures, too.

You could totally
get paid for them.

- [Sal] What is with you, Percy?

You know I like taking pictures.

- [Percival] He's never
talked to me about it.

- Yeah, well, thank you.

I do have a lot of of
interest in things.

And look, I just don't
think you give a shit.

Will you stop?

- No, I thought
you took a hiatus.

- Will you drop it?

- [Riku] Don't get in a fight.

I am sorry I brought it up.

- [Sal] No, Riku, I'm sorry.

He thinks I don't do
anything with my time.

It pisses me off.
- That is not true.

I never said that.

- [Chloe] You two
are like an old,

married couple, you know that?

- [Sal] Hey, it's not
my fault he's a nag.

- And it's not my
fault he's a prick.

- [Riku] I'm a bitch.

I don't apologize for it.

- [Chloe] You say that
like it's a good thing.

- [Riku] It is.

Nobody fucks with me.

I wouldn't.

You're like a little ninja.

- [Riku] I'm not gonna lie,
that was a little offensive.

- Oh, yeah?

- [Riku] Because,
if anything, Sal,

I am a samurai
(martial arts shout).

- (mimicking swords clashing)

- [Chloe] I think I was
a gypsy in a past life.

I don't know any details, but
I'm really good at haggling.

- You know, in Sal's past
life, he was an apothecary.

- [Sal] Yeah, well, in
Percival's past life,

he was a barkeep at
the Millimeter Peter.

Oh, wait, that's what he is now.

- [Chloe] Oh.
- [Riku] Oh, ha-ha.

You should totally do stand-up.

- Not kidding, the thing
is like a baby toe.

- [Percival] Okay, really
funny, good dick joke.

- [Chloe] Seriously though,
size doesn't matter.

- [Sal] Oh, bullshit, why
do I take supplements?

- Really it doesn't.

- Don't listen to her.

She doesn't know what
she's talking about,

and she's high.

- A guy who's good
with his mouth,

I don't care how
long his thing is.

- This is also true.

- Here, want me to
pack another one?

- Long, short, or skinny,
penises still look funny.

- Yeah, well, titties are
just glorified udders.

- [Percival] You know,
I can tie a cherry stem

in a knot with my tongue.

- [Sal] That's nice, Percy.

You know what else
is very nice, Riku.

Hey, size doesn't
matter, you can on

all the big-girl
rides at Six Flags.

- Oh, is this how you
get all your girlfriends?

- [Sal] Okay, we'll
at least I'm sure that

Percy is very
relieved to hear that,

because he does have
a very small penis.

It's almost like this
cigarette, if anything.

- You know, with you guys being

so into dicks and stuff,
it just makes us wonder.

- Wonder what?

- With you guys
off in the bathroom

for so long, maybe you're fags.

- Seriously?

Oh, God, no.

- No, look, don't get me wrong,

Chloe, Riku, yes, I
would down a cock.

You can tell anyone you
want, but it would not be his

because his is tiny and
that is not a challenge.

- Were you two listening
in when I opened the door?

- [Sal] Listening in?

- You were spying.

- No.
- It's okay if you were.

- No.
- No, we weren't .

- And I don't have
to spy, Chloe.

I'm in the CIA.

They send me the intel
to my Blackberry.

- [Riku] Okay, so did
you hear anything, Sal?

- [Sal] No, I just heard
some gossiping geese.

- I didn't here
anything, honestly.

- Well, that's because Percy,
he doesn't clean his ears.

- Yeah, I do, I have
bad hearing is all.

You know, when I was a kid,
I had a lot of earaches.

- [Riku] Him and Chloe would
be a match made in heaven,

because she never listens.

- Sit this one out, I
need to make a phone call.

- [Riku] Who are you calling?
- You know who.

I'll be right back.

- All right, what
the fuck is going on?

- Excuse me?

- Oh, you heard me.

What the fuck's going on?

- I haven't the
slightest idea...

- I've got this, Percy.

Riku, better question is, and
I'm asking you this honestly,

what the fuck is
going on right here?

- [Riku] What are
you talking about?

- [Sal] I don't know,
you tell me about it.

- I wasn't the one listening
in through the door.

- It's okay, you can say it.

We were eavesdropping.

I'm sorry.

- [Percival] I
wasn't eavesdropping.

- You put a glass to the door.

- [Percival] No, I didn't.
- Yes, he did.

- Wow, and let me guess,
Sal, didn't have Mexican

or Chinese, because
he had pizza.

- Oh, my God, that's freaky.

I just got chills, I did.

I had pizza for lunch.

That's incredible.

How did you do that?

- Your breath smells like
a garlic-bulb's asshole.

And the empty box
is next to your bed.

Dominoes, classy.

- [Percival] You know, I
wanted to come in right away,

as soon as he got
out of the shower...

- [Sal] Shut up!
- and I was, like,

"No, you know, you
should wait because we

"might learn a few things."

And he actually
called it espionage.

I swear.
- I did not call it espionage.

- And, you're right, he
wasn't actually sick.

- All right, so this
is all bullshit.

- What? No, what's bullshit?

- This whole thing is one big
ruse so you can pick up Chloe.

- Oh, I dare you to
tell me I'm wrong.

- That's exactly
what's going on.

- Sal, shut...
- What, dude?

She figured it out, and
the cat's out of the bag.

- You know, if you would
have just stayed put

and played sick in
bed, none of this...

- Oh, come on, she doesn't care.

Are you listening to this shit?

It's not my fault at all
that Riku's very perceptive.

- It's okay, Percy.

It's okay, it's not like
she's running for the hills.

- [Percival] Yeah, but she seems
to want to get out of here.

- Well, that has
nothing to do with you.

Some asshole has got her
twisted round his finger.

God, it's sick.

- Aaron?

- Adam.

- Adam.

- Let's not talk about it.

It pisses me off.

Just don't take her
behavior personally tonight.

- [Percival] Am I really
that obvious, Riku?

- Extremely.

But, it's okay, she's
not an ice queen,

so you just need to take
a deep breath and relax.

- [Percival] Okay.

- Because she'll like
you a whole lot more

if you can stop trying so hard.

That's all I'm going to say.

I am really hungry.

Please say you have
hummus or cheese or...

- Actually, I think there's a
couple cinnasticks in the box.

- [Percival] You know,
I to think we actually

had a little thing
going when you stepped

out of the room earlier, maybe.

Or maybe I was hoping that
we were, but it felt like it.

- Okay, so you want
to be alone with her?

That's what you're
trying to tell me.

Because I can arrange that.

- [Percival] Yeah,
arrange what, wait?

- That's totally doable.
- [Percival] Wait, hold on.

- Relax man, we both know you
have a boner on your mind.

- You are the one with
a boner on your mind.

- Okay, okay, don't
worry about it.

Sal and I will come
up with something

and duck out when she gets back.

- [Percival] No, no,
that will not work.

- Why not.

- Come on, she'll know
something's fishy.

You guys can't just
leave like that.

Look, she's out there
on the phone right now

with her boyfriend, Adam.

She wants to buy
drugs and leave, dude.

I'm just getting in the way.

She doesn't give
a shit about me.

- Okay, um, um, um, Adam
is not her boyfriend.

- No?
- Never was.

And as far as all
the rest of that,

it's probably true, but,
just don't be a pussy

and give her a reason to stay.

It's as simple as that.

Sal and I will provide
the opportunity.

You've just got to act.

- Wait, where will you two go?

- [Riku] I hear you
make a mean appletini.

- [Sal] Yeah, you know, I hate
bragging about that shit...

- Appletini? Seriously,
who are you tonight man?

The last time I
ordered one of those,

you said I was a mangina, Sal.

- Okay, I acquired
a taste for them,

so shut the fuck up.

- Did you plan on
telling me about it?

- Percy about what,
liking your faggy drink?

Why should I have to
tell you about that?

- No, you should
tell me about that,

because you make fun of
me for it all the time.

- Why are you trying
to embarrass me, okay?

- You're just trying to hide it.

- I"m not trying
to hide anything.

(overlapping speech)

- I did not mean
to start a riot.

You both need to quit this

"Who's got a bigger
dick" charade.

- Yeah, okay.

Mine's bigger, right?

- Oh, come on, man.

- We measured them when
we were in high school.

You're both cute and
funny guys, okay?

Albeit slightly neurotic
and/or psychotic.

But hey, we're all
a little crazy.

I certainly am.

But how can you not be
when you live in the city?

There is so much
fucking pressure,

and I know if you're
anything like me,

sometimes, thank you, it's
hard to just relax and be easy.

Chloe would tell me
that's the coke, but...

All I'm trying to say is that
I'm relaxed right now, here.

Chloe will take a
couple more hits,

and she'll be relaxed, too.

Just listen to her.

And try not to push anything.

She just wants
someone to talk to,

and you don't to
make a bigger mess.

- Oh, man.

- [Riku] No, no
I don't mean you.

I know how she gets
around this time.

- [Chloe] Please talk
to this motherfucker.

I can't deal with
this shit anymore!

I don't want to talk about it,

just get rid of him.

- Okay, phase one or phase two?

- Phase fucking two.

- No, no, you listen
to me, you slick-haired

piece of shit, I don't
know what you said to her,

and I don't give a rat's
ass what your excuse is.

She says she doesn't
want to see you,

and that means she she
doesn't want to see you.

You got that?

No, no, you shut.

You're a fucking cockholster,
a worthless excuse

for a set of balls.

All right, if you ever
come near her again,

if you call her, if you
so much as look at her

from across the street,
you better pack a bag

and get the fuck out
of New York, because

I will hunt you down and
slash your fucking throat.

You got that, asshole?

Yeah, is all that making its way

into your thick skull,
you meatheaded prick?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I
am like her fucking pimp.

You can suck my clit and
then eat out a dog's ass.

Yeah? Yeah, these are big words

for a shriveled dick loser.

You think you scare me?

Oh, you have no idea
who you're dealing with,

Adam Irvine, 345 Carmine
Street, Apartment 3B, no idea.

Because I have a gun,
and I will put fucking

bullets in your skull.

I don't think your wife or kid
would be too happy with that.

Good night.

Yeah, you should be good.

He sounded really
scared at the end

when he said goodnight.

- [Sal] Oh, my God, Riku, that
was absolutely incredible.

You scared me.

- Good.

You should be scared.

- Riku, he's right,
that was amazing.

I mean, I'm sorry Chloe.

I'm sure it wasn't
amazing at all for you,

but really, Riku,
very impressive.

(shout and crash)

- [Riku] Chloe!

Oh, fuck!

Are you okay?

- [Chloe] Oh, shit,
oh, I'm so sorry, Sal.

I don't know what came over me.

I'm sorry, I didn't
fucking see it.

I'm just - I'm baked, and I
don't know what I'm saying.

I feel so stupid.

- [Percival] Oh, hey,
nobody thinks you're stupid.

- I can't take anymore
fucked up shit.

- He's gone, so you
can forget about him.

- [Sal] Yes, listen to your
friend, Riku, okay, really.

And don't worry about the -
wow, don't worry about it.

I'm just going to
put a poster over it.

- Oh, God, honey,
that's what happens

when you act like a psycho.

When you're upset, you just need

to control your
emotions and breathe.

- Please don't talk to
me like you're my shrink.

- [Sal] You see a head doctor?

- Yeah, sometimes I do,
is that okay with you?

- [Percival] You know,
I saw a therapist

for a while when I
was a kid, it helps.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause mine's just a quack.

- Oh, well, yeah,
they are quacks,

but I think the more
you talk, the more

you'll realize that
most of the progress

depends on you
helping yourself...

- I'm really sorry, Chloe.

I'm so mad about what I said.

I didn't mean anything by it.

- [Chloe] How could
I be mad at you

after what you did for me?

It's that prick's
windpipe I want to crush

with my bare hands.

- Oh, hey, now, come on.

I would wear some
gloves if I were you.

- Oh, yeah, definitely,
forensics doesn't miss much.

- Hey, don't you watch CSI?

- I was on an episode of CSI.

- Really? You've got
to be shitting me.

- I had four scenes.

- [Sal] Four whole scenes?

- [Riku] I was the dark
and brooding girlfriend

of this hacker, but
then I got killed

halfway through
the episode when he

smashed a computer over my head.

- Oh, my God, the computer
death, that's you?

I saw that episode!

- That's embarrassing.

I sucked so bad.

- No, no you were excellent,
transformative even, obviously.

I mean, granted, I don't
know anything about acting.

Percival here, yes, he's
supposed to be an expert.

- [Riku] Oh, you've
got the curse too, huh?

- Oh, yeah, I'm
definitely cursed.

- You're an actor?

- Does it count if
you're not working?

- [Sal] Why didn't you tell me

that you were on
CSI, that's so cool?

- I'm supposed to brag I
was on a crappy TV show?

- Hey, you should be
proud of that, Riku.

- I thought you hated
all those shows.

- [Chloe] Oh, man, my
head is killing me.

- Do you want some Advil?

- No, I think I just need
to go home and lie down.

- Honey, it's not even 10:30.

You know what?

Sal and I will go make us
all a drink, get you an

Advil, and then
you'll feel just fine.

- You know what, fuck Advil.

I will throw you a
Percocet, excuse me.

I have a prescription.

You're a pretty lady,
and a preferred customer.

- Sure.

- It's a three-piece business.
- Thank you.

Oh, and could you get
me some ice for my hand.

- Yeah, absolutely,
I can do that.

Hey, do you need anything, man?

- No, I'm good.

- All right, hey, ladies first.

- So this Adam guy...
- [Chloe] So...

Oh, you go first, by all means.

- Oh, God, no please,
please, after you.

I was...

- So you're in love
with me, right?

Let me rephrase that.

So you think you're in
love with me, right?

- Yes, yes, I suppose I do.

- Why is that?
- Were you spying on us?

- Eye for an eye.

These walls are thin.

- Jesus Christ, you
heard - I thought

you were on the phone.

- I'm a woman, I'm
good at multi-tasking.

- This is so embarrassing.

- Why are you
avoiding the question?

- I'm sorry, hm?

- Why do you think you love me?

I mean, what about me?

- Oh, I don't know.

A lot of things.

I can't say it right.

I wasn't expecting
you to be so forward.

- Well, I just don't understand

why we should continue with
meaningless chit-chat bullshit

when I know what
your objective is.

- My objective?

Oh, no, see, I don't
have an objective.

- That's bullshit.
- Yeah, it is.

I have one.

But, you know, it's
not a clear objective.

It's muddled.

I prefer to think of
it as a smorgasbord.

It's a cornucopia of objective.

- What does that even mean?

- I don't know, I'm
too fucking stoned.

I shouldn't have smoked.

- Try harder, Percy.

It's a simple question.

Why do you think you love me?

You have to be specific,
because I'm not

in the mood to play
guessing games.

- Why, do you like me too?

This feels like a very
important conversation.

- It is important.

- Because you like me?
Like, like, like, me?

- Don't change the subject.

- Aw, come on, that's
a hard one, and I'm on

the spot now and, you
know, it's not like

I just want to
get in your pants.

- Oh, but you
won't deny that you

want to get in my
pants, correct?

- Of course.

You know, when it
comes down to it,

I think that every relationship

at the root, it's really,
it is about the deed.

What?

I mean, I hate to sound...
- Every relationship?

- I was just...

- Wow!

So what good are you?

- Excuse me?

- You can't have a relationship

with a woman that isn't about
wanting to sleep with her?

Do you just keep up friendships

in the hopes that one day
you might have a fuck buddy?

- I didn't say that.

- Then what did you say, because

that's what it sounded like?

I told you, you
have to specific.

Say what you mean.

- I'm trying.

- Oh, boy, okay, I am flattered.

Thank you.

But there is a lot
of shit being hurled

around in my life
right now, and if you

can't handle the
person that I am,

than, no offense, fuck off.

I don't need another person in
my life just taking up space,

because you're
either in or you're

out with a girl like me.

- And I want to be in.

Well, come on, I don't
mean that just sexually.

- If you can't tell me
why you think you love me,

then how the hell do you know
what it is you really want?

- Because usually I
have trouble deciding

on anything in my life.

- Okay.

- And I've been fucking
spinning my wheels

for the past four
years hoping life

will come along and
hand me something great.

And today, I got fired,
and as I was walking home,

I saw this guy he got
mowed down by a cab driver.

He looked about two or
three younger than me.

Anyway, I suddenly thought, man,

you know, if that
happened to me today,

let alone three
years ago, my life

wouldn't really amount to shit,

and then I thought of you.

I always think of you,

and I know this sounds
really lame and sad,

but I suddenly realized
you are that great thing

that the world tossed my way.

- Oh, God.

Great thing?

I'm not a thing.

You see me as this
damaged Barbie,

and you want to fix me, right?

- Maybe, in a way.

- Oh, that's sick.

And I don't want to be fixed.

I don't need to be.

- Okay, well, then what
am I supposed to say here?

I mean, what do I do?

- You don't throw me
a fucking pity party.

That's for sure.

- Are you mad at me?

Whatever I did, I can't be half

as bad as whatever
that Adam guy did.

He was real fucking trash.

- You know what?

You have no right to
pass judgment like that

because you don't know
the first thing about it.

- Okay.

- And by calling him
trash, you're implying

that I am too, well, I'm not!

So don't think you have
all the fucking answers.

- Is this how you are with every

guy that's interested
in you or...

- Everything is
already on the table,

so we're just being candid.

- [Sal] Sounds like you two
are getting along famously.

- Appletinis my ass!

- He's in my bedroom.
- Yeah.

- He is not making us drinks.

- What did you think
was going to happen?

- What do you mean?

- You hardly know
me at as it is.

- Yeah,I just want to talk.

- Oh, please.

I'm a 24-year-old woman
living in New York

during the death of
the American marriage.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

- [Percival] Why
are you so jaded?

- I'm not jaded.

I'm realistic.

Come on, would you
throw your coat

over a puddle for me?

- You know, if I
wasn't so damn poor

that a new coat would be
considered an investment,

yeah, you bet your ass I would.

- I know you think
that's romantic.

But I'm my own
person, and I don't

give a shit if I
step in some mud.

My life is a mess, but
that's my business,

and I can handle it,
thank you very much.

- All right, but you were
really upset a moment ago,

and I do want to know why.

Hey, fine, fuck it.

If that's sticking my nose
where it doesn't belong...

No that's who I am, and
if you can't handle that,

then fuck off, hm?

- Okay, if I were
to tell you things

then you couldn't just
shove me off afterwards,

and it wouldn't mean that
I'd want you to comfort me.

I mean, just the fact
that I'm considering

telling you any
of this is a lot.

- Yeah, okay, if you
consider to finally do it,

I'll be right over
there by the window

and you can just
whenever, you know.

I will have to charge
you, though, for the hour.

When you're ready, you just...

- You have to promise
me that you won't

think I'm an awful person,
because I think you will.

- [Percival] Oh, God, no.

You could never
say or do anything

that would make me
feel such a thing.

- Do you really mean that?

- [Percival] I do.

I pinkie swear that I do.

- So my mom is sucking
this married guy.

He's got a little baby,
and I've seen his wife.

She's gorgeous.

Now, I don't know
how my mom met him

or how a sour, old bitch
like that could even

entice him into getting
into bed with her,

but they've been skinning
each other for months,

and it's not like she tries
to hide it from me either.

There's no discretion
whatsoever.

She's bragging about it.

And what infuriates me most,
is that it makes her happy,

that he makes her happy.

I mean, seeing her laughing
day after day and smiling

and wearing dresses, it
just makes me want to puke.

I mean, a miserable
woman like that out

having a ball, while some
other women is sitting

at home with this
man's fucking kid

getting her tit gnawed off.

It just had to stop.

So I fucked the creep, Adam.

I fucked his brains out,
and I was not discreet.

Let's see how the heinous
bitch swallows that.

I fucked the guy a few times,
and then I called it off.

I mean, I thought that would
put a stop to everything,

but the dope must have the
dumbest dick on the planet

because he doesn't seem to
understand the improbability

of juggling a mother/daughter
act, a wife, and a baby.

I don't know why, but tonight,
I told him I'd meet him

for, like, one last pity fuck.

I wasn't going to
fuck him really.

He just wanted to see
me one last time and

I don't know how to say no.

I thought it'd be easier to
just give him what he wanted.

So go ahead, tell me
I'm fucked, right?

I'm going to Hell.

Okay, this was stupid.

I don't what I was thinking.

- You haven't even let me speak.

- I just asked you if
I was going to Hell?

You're supposed to immediately
say no, not deliberate.

Oh, come on, like
Hell even exists.

That's a fairytale made up
for juvenile delinquents.

Okay, all right, you know what?

You're right, maybe, maybe
if the world were still flat,

it could be conceivable
that somewhere there is

this basement full of
little red-skinned midgets.

- I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me laugh.

Well, ha fucking ha.

- I'm trying to make you laugh.

- You just don't want to say
what's really on your mind.

- What?

- All that shit I just said.

I fucked my mom's married lover.

I mean, you have to have
an opinion about that,

because everybody else does.

- Chloe, what do
you want me to say?

It's the past.

Look, you can't change the past.

Everybody knows that.

If you did, there would
be sharks running around

playing Janga or dinosaurs with

laser beams attached
to their heads.

- It doesn't change anything.

- You're right.

You're right, it doesn't.

Look, you did what you did.

- Yeah.

- But there have
to be other ways

of communicating your feelings

that don't end in
broken knuckles.

- How do you think
this plays out?

- What?

- You put in your 20
minutes of listening,

and now you want to be rewarded.

Now whip off them trousers.

- Okay, I know you don't
think I'm a bad guy,

why the fuck would you do that?

- How could you
possibly want me still?

After all that I told you,
what do you not understand?

I am not the woman
that you want.

This idealized
image that you have,

I don't know how to
cook, or do laundry,

or raise kids or
any of that shit.

Nobody taught me, okay?

You want this fantasy life
that just doesn't exist

for me, and if you think
that that's the kind

of woman that I am, then
you have me all wrong!

You have most women
wrong for that matter.

I do not exist to fit into
your life's plan, you got that?

- Well, I want to fit into yours

in whatever way that is.

Look, I'm not the kind
of guy you think I am.

So stop trying so
hard to fight me.

You're perfect, and I don't care

if you believe me or not.

I know how I feel.

- (crying)

It must be nice to feel
you're right about something.

- It's okay, everything's
going to be okay.

- It's hard to find someone
to talk to, you know?

Really talk to.
- Yeah.

I feel the same way sometimes.

- It's ridiculous,
there are people

everywhere, and I'm lonely.

- It's normal to feel like that.

- I'm sorry I'v
been such a bitch.

- [Percival] Oh, please,
you haven't, you're upset.

It's okay.

- Percy?

- Yeah?

- Please tell me you mean
all those things you said.

- Of course I do.

- Really?

I mean, that you're good,
and that you care about me.

I know this is really
stupid, and I sound

like a broken fucking
record, but I just

really need it to be true.

- Hey, I've been
truthful all night.

Well, most of the night.

I mean, there was that
whole thing about Sal

being sick and us
spying on you guys.

- You two are so obvious.

- Well, what can I
say, I was nervous?

Riku definitely didn't help.

I thought she was going
to bite my head off.

- You should've seen
your face when she's,

"Why is Sal sleeping
in your room?"

- Oh my God, I shit my pants.

That's why, I mean, you
should've seen my drawers.

- That was the
look on your face.

- Yes, that's
exactly what it was.

- Oh, my God.

- She's a frightening
little one.

- Thank you, Percy.

- Oh, don't mention it.

Seriously, like, ever.
- (chuckling)

- That could totally
ruin my reputation.

That's not funny.

- This is nice.

(Riku screams)

- [Sal] What the fuck, baby?

- What the fuck was that?

(Riku and Sal arguing)

- Oh, my God, that
sounded like my guitar.

(Riku and Sal arguing)

- [Chloe] Should
we do something?

Oh, my God.
- [Percival] Oh, fuck.

Yeah, I'm going to
go try and stop them

from destroying my room.
- I don't know

if that's a good idea.

- Why not?

- Because Riku gets
really violent sometimes.

- Yeah, but Sal can
be a huge asshole.

(multiple people shouting)

- [Sal] No-no-no-no-no.

- [Riku] Do you want
me to put it down?

- You have no idea what
you hold in your hands.

- Chloe, get your
shit, we're going now.

- [Sal] You can destroy
anything you want,

but that's my first
bong. (glass smashing)

(multiple people arguing)

- [Sal] Jesus Christ!
- [Riku] Ha!Ha! Ha!

(multiple people arguing)

- [Sal] (whimpering)

Get the fuck out of my room,

and I never want
to see... (splash)

- [Riku] How do you like it now?

- Oh, well, I'm all wet.

You really got me.

- You are a piece of shit!

Chloe, I'm getting a cab.

One minute and I'm leaving.

Percival, it was a
pleasure to meet you.

Sal, grow the fuck up!

- [Sal] Grow the fuck
up, says the midget.

- Oh, I am above you!

- [Sal] You're above me?

When you're chugging my cock or

riding my stiffie
pony, you little bitch.

Yeah, get out, and
I don't want to see

your ugly-ass dyke
face ever again.

- What the fuck was that?

- [Percival] Oh, goddamit.

- [Bitch Tits] (pounding
and shouting indistinctly)

- [Sal] All right, show's
over, get the fuck out.

Oh, and apologies, Chloe, you
can get your drugs next time,

as soon as your
bitch friend pays me.

Hey and fuck you, Bitch Tits!

- I've got to go
make sure she's okay.

- She's fine, she said she
was going to catch a cab.

I mean, we can still
talk in the kitchen.

Or my room or...

- [Sal] I wouldn't go
to Percival's room.

Actually, there's a
lot of broken glass.

- You and I are
going to have a talk.

- Really, I should go.

Sal, I don't know what to say.

- [Sal] Oh, you don't?

Well, why don't you try this.

Don't fucking say anything.

Just find your
bitch friend before

she fucking kills someone!

- [Riku] Chloe, get
your ass down here.

The guy doesn't wan to wait.

- Give me 30 seconds,
I'll be right down.

It was nice talking to you.

You too, Sal.

- [Sal] Oh, yeah,
it was magical.

- Should I walk you outside?

- [Chloe] No, it's okay.

I can see myself out.
- [Percival] I'd like to.

- Really, that's okay.

You should always ask, though.

I mean, even if
chivalry is dead.

You're very persistent.

I like that.

You're different than
I thought you were.

- [Percival]
Honestly, so are you.

- And that's okay?

- [Percival] Yeah, it's perfect.

- That person that I was
trying to convince you I am,

I'm trying not to
be her anymore.

- [Percival] We have a lot
more in common than you think.

- [Sal] Jesus, will you
two get a fucking room?

- Okay.

Thank you for everything.

- Oh, I'll get your
number from Sal.

(rock music playing softly)

- [Sal] She went ballistic.

How the fuck am I supposed
to control a tornado, man?

She smashed Guinevere.

I've owned that thing a third
of my whole fucking life, man.

- She's in pieces
outside of our bedroom.

You're going to
sweep that up, right?

- [Sal] We were going
at it in your bed

and it was wild and
really fucking sexy.

Best thing I've ever
fucking had, all right?

She had a fucking
insatiable pussy.

She's asking me to
do stuff, you know?

Very, very dirty stuff.

Stuff that I wouldn't even tell

my fucking grandmother
about, you know?

I mean, she's getting a
little loud at this one point.

So I'm going, "Shh, shh."

You know, I don't want her to
fucking make all that noise,

but she says, "Hey, shove
my panties in my mouth."

But then she slapped
me across the face,

and she called me her fuckstick.

Now I don't give a
shit what you say, man,

that's hot too.

She's fucking
fingering my asshole

when I was railing her.

It was surreal.

I'm about to fucking
pop, so I grabbed

her by the hair and I
yanked her head back,

and I fucking - I really
made a good send off,

and I spray washed her.

She fucking flips, which
is not what I expected.

You know, after all
that other kinky shit,

I thought she was
going to like it

or find it romantic or
something, you know, and

so I did it for her.

She starts screaming
at me and kicking shit,

and, you know, calling
me a woman hater

and a perverted ass plug,
just really hurtful shit, man.

And there was this moment
when I was looking at her,

I don't know, I thought I
could actually date this one.

You know, she's really
something else, man.

She makes me feel good.

Fucking, Sal, you douchebag.

What about you and
Chloe, I mean, she

wants you to call
her or something?

- [Percival] Yeah, I
think she likes me.

- [Sal] No shit?
- [Percival] Yeah.

- You fucking dog!

Hey, why don't you
grab one of those

lesser-used bongs and
I'll pack us a bowl.

- I though Riku
wiped out your stash.

- [Sal] Wa-haa!
- [Percival] Holy fuck, man!

- [Sal] Go ahead and pack
us one of those, huh?

- This is a highly
organized operation.

- I've got a reserve
for emergencies.

- [Percival] That's incredible.

- Now I've got to find
a new hiding spot,

because you've got
sticky fingers.

- I think I know what
I'm doing here, Sal.

- Yeah, sure you do.
- I do.

- What's her last name?

- [Percival] Oh,
shit, I never asked.

- You can't search
for her on Facebook

if you don't have that.

- [Percival] It doesn't matter.

I'll ask her the
next time I see her.

She actually likes me, man.

I'm 95% sure about
that, seriously.

Tonight couldn't
have gone better.

- [Sal] Don't fucking gloat.

Maybe I should
apologize to Riku.

I think for a moment there, I
threatened I might kill her,

and that's really intense.

She's a really great girl,
and I think I'm okay.

I think once she's
off the rag and coke

kind of runs its way
out her butt, you know?

We'd have a lot of fun.

She's sweet, and we
mesh really well,

and I know that she
thinks I'm funny because

she's always fucking
laughing at me.

- You are funny.

Are you stalling or
is there a reason ...

- Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
Who are you. Boom!

You're dead.

- [Percival] Oh, I'm sure.

- [Sal] Okay, see
I got it first.

- [Percival] How
did you win that?

How did you get that?

- [Sal] And in for three!

- [Percival] Whooaaa.
- [Sal] What?

- Before we play...
- What?

- You have to clean up
the mess in the hallway.

- Seriously, that's
a fresh wound.

- Hey, I don't want to hear it.

If you want to play,
you have to clean.

- All right, I'll clean it.

Only because you're and asshole.

- Okay, good.

- [Sal] Don't cheat, okay?

- [Percival] I'm
not going to cheat.

What do you take me for, Jesus?

- [Sal] Yo, Percy...

- [Percival] You don't know
where we keep the broom, do you?

- [Sal] Actually, I don't.

- [Percivial] All right,
it's right next to the...

- [Sal] Can you just show me?

- [Percival] Yeah, here, I will.

You won't be able to
find it on your own,

so I have to show you.

(cackling) He's
going to help us.

- [Sal] Okay, fine.

- [Percival] One, two...
- [Sal] Just go.

- [Percival] Don't push
me into it, you jerk.

- [Sal] You stepped
in it, didn't you?

- [Percival] That's what you
get for trying to push me.

- [Sal] That's on
my big toe, man.

- [Percival] Hey, right here
in this closet, you see that?

This is called a broom, see
it has bristles on the end.

- [Sal] Oh, I use this.

(crash)

Christ, I'm sorry.