All language subtitles for iCarly (2021). S02E04

Good morning, Mr. Mint.

Here's your breakfast,
Radical Rosemary.

Rise and shine, Jim.

You're giving off very strong
lonely widow vibes.

I'm watering my plants
for my new iCarly PlantCam.

It's a livestream so viewers
can pop in at any time

and check on their progress.

It's become something
of a soap opera.

Yeah, I can tell by looking
at his leaves,

Jim is the evil twin.

Why are you dressed
like the Grim Reaper

on casual Friday?

I am trying on my new outfit

for when Granddad Shay
visits next week.

I'm hoping if I dress
like an old person,

it'll help us bond.

I'm also gonna dye
my hair white.

Why would you do that
when you could just stop

dying it brown?

Just be cool.

We haven't seen Granddad
in forever,

and I really want this visit
to be a good time.

He's like the only family
we have.

He's not the only
family we have.

We also have dad
and that lady

who claimed to be our sister
right when she needed a kidney.

Granddad?
What are you doing here?

I realize I'm a week early.

Traffic was a lot better
than I expected.

Oh, Carly!

My little gumdrop.

It's been quite a while.
I've really missed you.

Aw, me too, Granddad.

Spencer.

So close, we don't even need
a nickname.

Hey, let's all go around
and say what we like

about each other's life choices.

Patches on your elbows?

- Huh?
- Oh, do you need a loan?

No, Spencer spent two years

decorating this
whole place himself.

He picked all the furniture,
every tabletop,

every light fixture.

Impressive.

I did two tours in Vietnam.

Well, I haven't just decorated.

Lately I've been spending
most of my time

focusing on my new business.

That's right,
I have a business.

It's new.

I do business there.

You wanna see
my coin collection?

* I know you see *

* Somehow the world
will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members
of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance
unless you take one *

* And the time to see
the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things
are meant to be *

* So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. *

What do you need,
Radical Rosemary?

More water?
Less water?

Sparkling water?
Use your words!

I'm so busy.
Work texts, PlantCam,

shopping for wigs that,
let's face it,

I'm never gonna buy.

Harper keeps saying
that I should get an assistant.

But it usually only comes up
when it's her turn

to unload the dishwasher.

I just wish I had more time
to spend with you, Granddad.

Don't worry about me, Carly.

Since I retired, I've gotten
used to being lonely and bored.

I spend most of my days
watching re-runs

of Third Rock from the Sun.

Let me go
through my schedule

and find time for us
to spend together.

Uh... no.

Not then.

Why did I write "panic attack"
with a smiley face?

Carly, you have no system.

Here, let me
show you mine.

Those all just say
"watch Third Rock from the Sun."

If they stop

rerunning that show,
I don't know what I'll do.

Granddad, that system
is actually amazing.

Wait.
You should be my assistant!

Think about it.

You're bored,
you're super organized,

and you love unloading
the dishwasher.

Unless you think
it'd be weird?

No, I think it'd be a great way
for us to spend time together.

I'll start right now.

Clock me in, Gumdrop.

Also, when's lunch?

Why do you need
to call your doctor

about an irregular cycle?

Is your Peloton broken?

There it is.
There's the weird part.

Now, the menu
is not finalized yet,

but check this out.

I took my smoothie pops,
aka "smops,"

and I made them
with juice.

Behold the J-Smop!

So, they're just Popsicles?

Yeah, but I copyrighted J-Smops.

Okay, I have to go.

I'm auditioning hamsters
for a therapy position,

and parking's a nightmare.

How do you audition hamsters
for therapy?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Some hamsters can be
more empathetic than others.

I'm just kidding.
I buy a bunch of hamsters,

and the ones who don't run away
get the gig.

Yeah, you better go.

Finding a parking spot
in Seattle

is like finding
a quiet Aries.

Right.

So true!

Don't even get me started
on how an Aries gets gas!

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye, Pearl.

Total Aquarius move.

- Not that he would know.
- Yeah, not that he would know.

Agreeing with Millicent
makes me feel young.

Pearl loves astrology

and I want to be able
to talk to her about it.

Ooh, let me do
your birth chart.

It's like the old saying,
"Teach a man to fish

and he'll catch a Pisces."

Ooh, girl,
let me catch a breath!

That is fully hilarious
for those in the know.

Just plug in the time
and location of your birth,

and your mother's
pelvic angle.

Thirty-one degrees.
Very auspicious angle.

Very sad I know that.

Huh.

Moon.
Pisces.

The Fourth House?!

Oh, this is bad.
Bad, bad, bad.

What?
Does it say I'm gonna die?

Worse!
Your birth chart

is a perfect match
to my birth chart.

We're soul mates.

What?

- No, we're not.
- I know!

I mean,
she is so out of your league.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're lucky Harper
even knows your name.

Come on, Harper.
This whole thing is bogus.

Your skepticism
balancing my whimsy?

But of course.

We're perfect
for each other.

Are you crying?

Damn you, Mom,
and your scheduled C-section.

This J-Smop is hitting.

I'm working, not shopping!

Not for your lowly assistant
to judge, but here goes.

Those shoes are ugly.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

- I am kinda hungry.
- Ah.

You could have one of
my pre-prepared morning snacks.

FYI, they're all yogurt.

It helps me go.

Key lime pie?

Granddad, you are begging
for a promotion.

And I booked you a collab.

- Seriously?
- Mm.

I'm surprised you know
what a collab is.

I looked up a list
of young words on the web.

I do not wanna be a cheugy!

So, who's the collab with?

Me and the coins.

Hmm.
Let me think about it.

I'll get that.

That's your assistant's job.

Carly Shay's office.

Pot guy?

My granddaughter
is not a druggie!

The '60s are over!
You lost!

It's not the pot guy,
it's my pottery guy.

- Oh.
- My babies
are finally growing up

and gonna be able to move
into bigger homes.

Oh.
Sorry I messed up that call.

You know, I could use a list
of my job responsibilities.

Sure, I'll write something up
for you later.

how 'bout you type it up now?

Size 84 font.
None of that sans serif crap.

And while you're up,
I'll take a Werther's

and a cup for my teeth.

Ah, your steak au poivre
at 10:00 in the morning.

I have no follow-up questions.

It's for Granddad.
I made him my assistant

so we can spend
more time together.

Then why are you
getting him a steak?

I guess I somehow kind of
became his assistant.

No fair,
he always picks you!

You know what,
why don't I have Granddad

come here and have lunch?

Then, you can show him
the restaurant

and he can show you his teeth.

Which reminds me,
can I get a thick, clear cup?

Granddad can't come here,
he'll rip this place apart.

I at least need to paint
a mural on that wall.

You're right.
Granddad will probably look

at that blank wall and be all,
"In my day,

"we didn't have blank walls.

We had one bone and we made
five weeks of soup out of it."

Hey, Carly.
Are you mad at me?

- No, why?
- Because I asked you

if you wanted anything
from the grocery store earlier,

and you replied,
"No. Period. Bye. Period."

Oh, no.

Granddad must be replying
to my texts from my computer.

- Mm.
- Everyone knows old people

are the worst texters.

They don't get
digital nuance.

Yeah, well, he's also yelling at
people in the iCarly comments.

He's logged in as you and it
looks like you told someone

to go die in a jalopy fire.

I don't know what a jalopy is,
but the rest sounds pretty mean.

What am I gonna do?
I can't fire my own Granddad.

One banana almond smoothie
with five strawberries

- and a splash of apple juice.
- That's mine.

I ordered the same thing.

That doesn't mean
we're soul mates.

- You guys want straws?
- No straw, long spoon.

I told you!

Our two hearts beat as one,
you gorgeous dumbass.

Wow, Granddad Shay,

that was a really interesting
coin presentation.

Thank you, young lady.

Guess you could say
I'm a "coin-fluencer."

You're a real
"coin-tent creator."

Look at that,
we both coined new phrases!

And that's it for
our first episode of...

My Two Cents!

"Coin-tent creator"?

Not my proudest moment.

But he pays me $20 every time
I laugh at one of his jokes.

And say what you will,

Granddad brought a ton
of viewers to your livestream.

Way more than you usually get.

You filmed that
on my livestream?

Well, what happened
to my PlantCam?

Turns out there
was a change of "plants."

Granddad, this is my channel.

Do you think Oprah
lets her granddad

do coin shows on OWN?

No, and that's
the only difference

between you and Oprah.

Thank you, Carly.

For the first time
since I retired,

I feel a real sense
of accomplishment.

Actually, the first time
was last week at Skybucks

when I successfully ordered
a frappuccino.

Well, I don't wanna take it
away from you

if you're really enjoying
making these coin videos.

Maybe we can do a collab.
Your coins, my plants?

Pass.

Actually, Granddad and I have
a list of stuff for you to do

while we rehearse
the next segment.

It's an appreciation
of the 1787 Brasher Doubloon.

People need to know
about the Brasher D.

Do they?

Of course, they do!
It's the Brasher D.

I get 10 when I agree with him.

Okay, what kind of
therapy animal would you suggest

for a 49-year-old woman
with a fear of flying?

Well, we could be responsible
and recommend a small dog.

Ooh, or we could be bad,
give her a snake,

and wind up with a plane
full of new customers.

Pearl!
I have something to tell you.

Fredward and I are soul mates.

Excuse me?

Harper did my birth chart

so I could learn more
about astrology to impress you,

and our charts are a match.

A perfect match.

Can you please tell Harper

that this doesn't
mean anything?

I'm sorry,
but I can't do that.

The stars have spoken,
and we must listen.

What?!

You're very practical.
Taurus?

Yeah, dude.

But I also did
Freddie's chart,

and, well, your mom and I
have been texting

ever since she put
a tracking device on my car.

But he and I,

also a perfect match.

Now, we just have to see
who matches with him physically.

Only one way to do that.

Here?
Now?

The three of us?

Salsa dancing.

Wait, what did you think
we were talking about?

Salsa dancing.

Okay, so to recap.

I'm a perfect match
for both of you.

Two of us
want to date each other.

Two of us have absolutely
no interest

in dating each other,

and we're gonna solve this
with salsa dancing?

Well, you wouldn't solve it
with a Viennese waltz.

That would be insane.

I'm not the coin-fluencer's
assistant!

He's my assistant!

I agree,
it's not going well!

What are you doing?

I am swamped.

Granddad gave out
my email on the show.

Can you believe that?
He knows my email.

I thought Millicent
was his assistant.

Nah, she's his number one,
I'm his number two,

and you're kind of like
our intern.

It's kind of amazing
the show is so popular.

Mm, not really.

They come
for the buffalo nickels,

but they stay for
the silver fox.

Apparently, Granddad is hot.

Spencer, I'm forwarding
Granddad's emails to Carly.

You're not responding
fast enough,

and your tone
could use some work.

Fine, let's see
if Granddad's Gumdrop

can handle the deluge!

Ugh!

Granddad, we need to talk.

Oh, Mr. Shay
can spare 20 minutes

Thursday of next week.

This isn't working.

All I wanted was to spend
quality time with you.

But, I'm sorry.

I have to... fire you.

Pack your bags.

Please.

You're firing me? Huh?

That's an interesting
wrong decision.

After I answer

these last few emails.

I don't wanna leave you
in a lurch.

Who is Vinny?

He's an old friend.

Why does he say he's going
to "quaff you in the noof"?

Oh, wait.

"Sorry for the typos.
I'm driving.

Meant to say I'm gonna
stab you in the neck."

He's like an old friend
and an enemy.

I wish there was
a colloquial term

to describe that relationship.

He also thinks
I stole my coins from him.

Well, why would he think that?

Because I stole
my coins from him.

I lost them to Vinny
in a poker game,

so I broke into his place
and took them back.

Coin heists?
Nemesis?!

If you're a supervillain,
you have to tell me.

Granddad, you have to give
the coins back to Vinny.

He's on his way here
to kill you.

You mean us.
Vinny's not big on witnesses.

I'm not giving these coins back.

They've been in the family
for generations.

Your great-great-grandfather
stole 'em fair and square.

You're gonna risk
your life over coins?

It's not like
they're front row tickets

to Ricky Martin.

Vinny is not murdering Granddad.

If Granddad is gonna die, it is
gonna be from natural causes

or falling into a pond
and drowning

'cause he was trying
to feed a specific duck.

I'll think of a way out of this.
Just leave it all to me.

Spencer, I really appreciate

you helping out
your old Granddad.

And if you pull this off,

there is a crisp
twenty-dollar bill

with your name on it.

Wait,
so saving your life

and laughing at your jokes
gets the same amount?

Carly, shut up.
I want those twenty bones.

Thanks for letting us have
salsa night at your place.

Well, thank you for being
a part of my plan.

What plan?

My secret plan.

If you're gonna do
a dramatic pause,

it's always best
to do it with a...

...prop.

Isn't Spencer's restaurant
great?

I like the cool blank wall.

I feel like it's saying,
"Hey guys, I'm just a wall.

So, why doesn't everybody
chill out and move on?"

I call it lazy.

In my day,
you had a blank wall,

you put up a sign
to "Join the Army."

It won't be blank for long.

It's all part of the...
plan.

What the hell are you wearing?

These are my custom-made
Spencer Shay salsa slacks.

Wait, are those my coins
sewn into your pants?

They're slacks, and yeah,

it's all part
of the... plan.

How are they...

Oh no, Vinny's here.
I'm dead.

He looks both frail and scary,

so I'm relieved,
but still terrified.

And now... I dance.

Spencer, if he sees
your pants...

It's part of the plan!

- Give me my coins back.
- What coins?

The coins on your
coin collecting show,

which I watched
and really enjoyed, by the way.

Hey, here's a fun
different topic

to help us all
forget about coins.

Can you believe they have
women pilots now?

Well, I'm ready
for salsa dancing

to decide
who I'm compatible with,

even though I've already
decided I like Pearl,

and astrology is ridiculous.

He still thinks
it's up to him.

Oh, God, I hope we suck at this.

Not as much as I do.

Damn it, we're great at this.

You'll pry those coins
out of my cold, dead fingers.

I'll do it when your fingers
are warm.

It takes two hours
for a body to cool down.

That Lena Horne
is some hot dish, huh?

Who is this kid?

He's my grandson,

and I'm as disappointed
as you think I am.

Spencer, if Vinny
sees your pants,

he's gonna know
where the coins are.

You gotta get out of here.

And now... we dance.

Our turn.

Let's dance
like nobody's watching,

even though people are.

Look at them, working out
their problems through dance.

Why don't you guys try that?

Help less, Gumdrop.

All right, let's finish this.

See if you can handle
some of my signature moves.

Why?!

Ah!

Freddie!

Do you know what this means?
We're a match!

Ooh!

Hold up, hold on.

Hey, girl, what's your sign?

Libra with a Leo rising.

Ooh, I'm a Sag
with a Libra rising!

We're compatible!

I'm good.
Freddie's all you.

All right,
enough pleasantries.

Time for murder.

No, Vinny, wait!

Your coins are on these pants!

You're lucky the little lady
stepped in, Shay,

because you were about to tango

with Osteo
and Porosis.

Thanks for saving my butt, guys.

Unfortunately,
I can't pass those coins

down to you after all.

Actually, I think
you'll still be able to.

The coins will be hidden
in plain sight

at Shay What forever.

Wait, then what was sewn
into your pants?

Oh, my custom-made
Spencer Shay fake coins.

All part of my... scheme.

Great job, Spencer.

Spencer, oh-ho!

I'm proud of you.
There, I said it.

Proud of me?

I'm just... so happy...

My whole life...
Family hug!

Spencer, Carly,
you "coin" always count on me.

Are you sure you wanna drive
back to Yakima tonight?

I don't want
to overstay my welcome.

- You could never...
- Let me put it bluntly.

You're getting
on my nerves again.

Good news, Granddad.

Looks like you and I
could be soul mates as well.

But there's only
one way to find out.

- I thought you'd never ask.
- Oh!

And there it is.

There's the weird part again.

* *

Ooh!

He hates these cans.