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WOMAN: The Fairy Godmother
Final Qualifying Exam will now begin.

(BELL RINGING)

MURRAY: Is that it?

(PENCIL LEAD BREAKS)

(SNEEZES)

Oh...

Oh, Sorry.

Oh!

(SNORTS)

Oh!

(CHOKING)

Excuse me.

(SINGING) Limbo, Limbo, Limbo Like me...

(EXCLAIMS)

(MURRAY GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(OLIVER SINGING)

(HOOVES CLOMPING)

(SINGING) It’s a far, far
better thing that l do now than...

(NEIGHING)

Everyone's a critic.

All right, Duchess,
it's my audition, not yours.

(SINGING) Better thing that l

All right, Duchess.

What's the matter, girl? Easy!

(DUCHESS NEIGHING)

Duchess!

Hold, Duch.

Duchess, hold!

It's just a kitty.

(NEIGHING)

Duchess! Duchess!

Boris, I need the bike.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Duchess!

MAN: Hey!

OLIVER: No. No.

(EXCLAIMS)

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Yo, Oliver, you're looking stressed today.

Huh?

Just another day. I'm late to pick up the kids.

Come on, Duch!

-Hey, Charlie, guess what?
-I give up.

This tooth's about to go.

Oh, just say the word,
I'll get my pliers and yank it out.

Money from the tooth fairy's
really gonna come in handy.

Tooth fairy! Give me a break.

Let's just face it, Dad's never gonna come.

-He left us here to rot.
-Did not!

-Did too!
-(DUCHESS NEIGHS)

Whoa.

Duchess.

Good, pretty girl.

Hey, how come
she always gets a hug before me?

My little dove!

Charlie said
you were gonna leave us here to rot.

Well, I gave it some serious consideration.

Giddyup.

Dad, I hope you used a good deodorant.

You better hope I did.
(URGES DUCHESS)

OLIVER: Damn, it's five past 4:00.

Jeri's gonna freak. Come on, Duch.

Yeah, but if you're a few minutes late,
they won't mind. Will they?

Honey, you just don't know these people.
It isn't good to be late to an audition.

Whoa!

JERI: Oliver!

Don't ask. I don't want to bore you with it.
Kids, stay here and watch Duchess.

-Where's my music?
-CHARLIE: It's in your hand, Dad.

Can't we watch you audition?

Yeah. No, no, makes me too nervous.

You know, you're incredibly late.

Look, since when is six minutes
incredibly late, huh?

For Lord Richard, it is.

RICHARD: No.

-Manny?
-Yeah.

Where's Tony Sable?

He'll be here any minute,
but we gotta see this Oliver Greening first.

Why? Who's he?

He's nobody,
but the threat of several other actors

gets us bargaining leverage
with Sable's agent.

Now, Mr. Greening,
I see you've come in costume.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yes, lucky accident.

Not that lucky.

Performer of my stature having to audition
is insulting.

Tony, if it were anyone other
than Lord Richard, I'd never allow it.

Besides, there are only a few candidates.

-Who's scheduled ahead of me?
-Oliver Greening.

(SCOFFS)

You can park your limo here
if you watch my horse.

-Gee, thanks.
-My pleasure.

-But Dad said...
-Dad said to watch Duchess.

So, she's being watched, right? Come on.

You haven't mentioned
how you feel about my score.

Oh, yes. It's quite possibly the finest work
that you have ever produced.

Without a doubt.

-Without a doubt.
-Lovely and haunting.

Intimate, yet operatic.

(BASKETBALL BOUNCING)

Presently about to start.

Let's have a crack at it, shall we?

What the devil's going on up there?

Quiet!

Proceed.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) The rats come creeping out

I know something you don't know.

When he doesn't get the part, and he won't,

we're moving to North Platte
to live with an Uncle Carl.

North Platte, it's a city in Nebraska.

You're lying.

No, I heard Dad on the phone. Uncle Carl
offered him a job at his rendering plant.

What's that?

That's a place where they take all the parts
of a dead animal that nobody wants,

then melt them down in a big pot
to make stuff like glue and guitar picks.

That's disgusting.

Fine, fine! No real challenge there.
Let me hear the big one.

Off to the Gallows.

(SINGING) Shed not one tear
My dearest Lucie

l must die soon

in one swift moment

The blade will fall then
My head he'll chop off

Please, turn away then

Don't see it drop off

(GUILLOTINE CRASHING)

'Tis a far, far better thing that l do now

Than I’ve ever done before

Have no illusion

It’s the solution

It’s a far, far better thing that l do now

Than I’ve ever done before

(ANABEL CLAPPING)

You were confusingly good.

Excuse me?

-You're excused. Tony Sable's here.
-Ah...

Why can't we consider this Greening chap?

No, no, no.
You promised your backers a named star.

We'll call you.

Charlie, do they have a lot of theaters
in Nebraska?

I don't think they have
a lot of anything in Nebraska.

Except maybe Nebraskans.

Charlie, do you believe in fairy godmothers?

I hate to break it to you, Anabel,
but there is no fairy godmothers.

There's no tooth fairy, there's no angels,
there's no genie in the bottle,

there's no Wizard of Oz.
It's all a big bunch of bull.

You're wrong, and I can prove it.

Yeah, well, go ahead.

If there's no tooth fairy,

then explain this?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELCHING)

You think you know everything,
but you don't.

I know this much,
there are no fairy godmothers in Manhattan.

How would you know?

WOMAN 1 : Watch your wand. Watch the lady.

WOMAN 2: All these fairy godmothers
getting together, it's so wonderful.

WOMAN 3: Every fairy godmother
in Manhattan meet once a year.

Wish it were more.

Be sure and check your wands, girls.

Thank you for signing in.
Elevator's right over there.

Welcome, welcome.
Are all the districts accounted for?

Well, all but one of course.

How distressing. Well, come along, ladies.

Violet, I haven't seen you
since last year's retreat.

Hello. We're ready for 24 hours of fun.

It's hard to believe another year's gone by.

Why do we have to check our wands?
Really, I feel naked without mine.

Well, it's like in the Old West.

All the cowpokes had to check their guns
before they moseyed into town.

Especially in Dodge City.

And that's why nobody got plugged.

Well, all it takes is one show off.

Well, that pair from Rego Park, remember?
(SCOFFS) They got way out of control.

Mmm-hmm. I had to put them both
on suspension for six months.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHARLIE SNORING)

ANABEL: That's what I need,
a fairy godmother.

(TOYS SQUEAKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Are you a fairy godmother?

Can't you tell?

Ta-da!

You don't look a whole lot
like the one in Cinderella.

I don't? I know why, because I'm...
You mean because I'm so much taller.

Ah, well, listen, you know...

It's not the height.

The hair.
Because hers is gray and mine is red.

I don't think it's the hair.

Oh! You... You mean the whole guy thing.

Yes, well, no, she's not a fella. That's true.

Can I ask you something?

What difference does it really make
where the magic comes from?

I mean, isn't the real question,
can the person do the job?

-Can you?
-What?

Can you do the job?

Boy, this is some swell room, huh?

Well, missy, look at all the...

(CRASHING)

(SHUSHES)

(GRUNTS)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

What luck, a Buddy Rich enthusiast.
Thank you.

Is something the matter?

Are you nervous or something?

Not at all. Not me.

What's your name?

That's... I'm sorry...

That's the first thing
you learn, you know, is...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, there. My name is Murray.

Can I talk to you about my wish?

Your wish? Anxious to get to that.

Boy, it's dry here, isn't it?

You wouldn't have a thirst quencher handy,
would you?

Um...

How about milk and cookies?

No, I'm... What, do I look like Santa?

No, I don't drink milk.

However, if you did happen to have
a steamy, hot espresso or coffee.

As long as it's caffeinated,
gotta be caffeinated.

Can't you just wave around your wand
to make yourself coffee whenever you want?

You do that, and it's over.

They just strip you
of your wand and... Shaboom!

Fini.

So, who's the joker in the jammies?

It's my brother, Charlie.

He thinks fairy godmothers don't exist.

Maybe he might reconsider
if we turn him into a frog, huh?

You can do that?

That happens to be one of my best things.

You know, back in basic training
frogs was my signature spell.

-Frogs and rain, interestingly enough.
-Do it.

What? Turn Charlie into a frog?

Well... Yeah, well, that's what I like.
Nice, clean, simple wish.

Here we go.

(HUMMING)

Wait, wait.

How many wishes do I have?

Oh! One per customer.

And no wishing for more wishes,
you sneaky little devil.

Because, you know,
they plugged that loophole up years ago.

There was abuse.

All right!

-Wait, stop.
-What?

I've a better wish.

It's for my dad.

Ah, that's sweet.

(SNORTS)

What day is it?

-Wednesday.
-Wednesday.

Oh, okay, I gotta go.
I'll have to give you a rain check, okay.

Okay. But what's a rain check?

Rain check is, well, you know...

Like, in a baseball game, when it rains,
you get a new game.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Every fairy godmother in the city is uptown
with the exception of me.

But my wish can't wait.

It's very important.

(MURRAY CHATTERING)

-Pretend you're sleeping, okay?
-All right.

(TOYS SQUEAKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Claudia.

No, you really shouldn't be here.
You can't be...

Now, how can you say that I can't be here
when I already am.

-It's just not logical.
-No, no, no, I...

Well, this is my faithful companion, Boots.

(LAUGHS)

You know, Claudia, since you left us,

rumor has it
that you've gone into the dark side.

(LAUGHS)

Witch. Moi?

Oh, you can't be serious.
Do I look like a witch?

Well, you know, you really should leave.

Because if Hortense were to see you here,
I could lose my own wand.

Oh, no one knows the pain of such a loss
more than I.

So, I'll go.

(SIGHS)

But before I do, I remembered
what a healthy appetite you have,

so I brought you
a little something from my garden.

No thanks, I just had quite a bit of...
(CLEARS THROAT)

My, that is the reddest apple
I think I've ever seen.

-It tastes even better than it looks.
-Really?

Yummy!

Mmm.

Now, is that the apple of a witch?

Mmm-mmm.

You bet it is.

Let's get the wands.

All right, take the work area,
I'm going to search her desk.

BOOTS: Right, right, right.

What is with you?

I've got to pee.

But you were just outside.

I always lose it when I get nervous.

What good are you? Now, move it.

I think I liked you better
when you were a dog.

All right, Rena, honey.

What the...

Claudia!

What are you doing here?

Taking back what's mine.

I took your wand away because you were
using it for your own selfish ends.

That is not what fairy godmothers
are all about!

No, you're all about 70.

Get out of my house.

Or what?

Don't even think about it.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

As a person,
I always found you a tad one-dimensional.

You're making a big mistake.

What's that? Speak up.

That ought to hold her for about 24 hours.

And by then, any wish worth a damn
will be mine.

(YIPS)

(SIGHS)

Hortense, what happened to you?

Would you remind me to call Alphonse
and get a refund on those apples.

Now, nothing is wrong.

Nothing is wrong?

No, everything is perfectly normal.

Hortense is flat.

Perfectly normal. Hortense is flat.

All is right.

Phew.

(LAUGHS)

Party on, ladies. Enjoy your day off.

You stay right where you are.

Why aren't you asleep?

My fairy godmother came to see me tonight.

You don't say.

And was she nice?

Yeah, but it wasn't a she.
It was a guy named Murray.

Ah.

He left this.

-I'm not sure how it works.
-The old magic wand, huh?

Yeah, magic.

But he had to go away
before I could even tell him my wish.

I bet you that if you went to sleep,

this Murray would come back
with an instruction book.

Nice try, Dad, but I'm not a bit sleepy.

Shaboom!

There, I put a spell on you.

-To help you get the part.
-Come on.

It's late. Time to go to bed.

Dad, remember how you said
Mommy went to heaven?

-How she's an angel now.
-Mmm-hmm.

Were you making that up?

Why do you ask that question?

Charlie said that it was bull.
I mean, Charlie said that it wasn't true.

Well, I believe that.

I know that she's in heaven.

You know, but I also think
that there's a big part of her that's right here.

Where?

No. I mean, I see her when I look at you.

You know, she had that way of looking
at the world, right in the face.

Did she ever give up?

No.

Dad, will you do my hair?

I'll tell you what.
First thing in the morning, okay?

(GROANS)

(WHISTLING)

(SNEEZING)

I'm stuck, very stuck.

Well, if it isn't one of our city's finest.
Hello, Officer.

What the hell are you?

You see that plaque? NAFGA.

NAFGA.

North American
Fairy Godmothers' Association.

Let me ask you something, Fairy Godmother.

Where is your wand?

Oh!

Well, it's right...

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, you are in trouble.

You see, I could arrest you
for a lot of things.

That would require a lot of paperwork,
and a lot of my time.

And they'd probably
call me down somewhere to testify.

On my day off.

And I imagine that would be
your day at the gym.

And then knowing the system the way I do,

you probably wouldn't do even
one night behind bars.

But tonight, tonight you will.

(GROANS)

Fairy godmother. My...

Officer, where are you going?
Are you off to get a donut?

ANABEL: Not so tight.

-Ow! Not so tight, Dad.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sugar.

I'm always gonna be a klutz at this. Done.

-Charlie, me boy, let's go.
-What's that?

-You better be nice to me.
-(SCOFFS)

Why would you bring something like that
to school?

It's none of your business, Charlie.

-CHARLIE: Shut up!
-It's your fault, you started it.

Just tell her to shut up.

-Dad, he did start it.
-No, I heard you.

Dad.

-Charlie.
-Oh, hey, Jeri.

I was gonna call, but I figured
I better break this to you in person.

I know. He's too tall, he's too short.
He's too young, he's too old.

I did not get the part.

No, you didn't.
But they wanna hear you sing again.

-You're kidding.
-Mmm-mmm.

-Tonight, 9:30. No.
-You're not kidding.

Oliver, you're about this close to getting it.

-Call me a cab.
-All right, you're a cab.

-Go.
-Going, going.

-Wow, maybe it's working.
-What's working?

Uh, nothing.

ANABEL: I'm sure they sent us ahead
just so they could kiss and make out.

CHARLIE: Duh.

Taxi!

-Can I see it?
-No. Listen...

Come on, let me see it.

-Okay, but be careful.
-Oh, please!

Okay, so I'll see you tonight.

You know, you're the first agent
that I ever kissed and dug it.

Give me back my wand.

-Give me back my wand.
-I got the wand now.

-I'll see you tonight.
-All right.

Come on. Come on.

Whoa!

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, Mr. Kim. Are you okay?

ANABEL: Where'd it go?

(KIM CHATTERING IN MANDARIN)

I hate you.

All, right, Mr. Kim, we're gonna pick...
He's gonna pick it up.

Dad, it's so stupid. She thinks it's magic.

OLIVER: Why can't you just play along?
She's just a kid.

Some people's taste.

I thought I felt a flea.

Go. Sit.

Now what?

I really admire you.

Yeah, I got that. Now, go sit.

Where was I?

I don't understand,
why do we need all these wands?

I mean, with all your power?

It isn't enough
just to control the power of dark magic.

To be truly effective and monstrously evil,

one needs to control
the power of white magic as well.

Now, see, every living soul in this city
has some desperate wish,

some secret desire they think will improve
their miserable little lives.

Why, all these goody-goody sticks
off the street,

they'll have to come to me.

(BARKS)

Where was I?

One-ninety-one, 1 92,

-1 93, 1 94. Boots!
-(MUSIC PLAYING)

Put that down.

I don't see it.

One-ninety-seven, 1 98, 1 99.

It's not here. We're short one wand.

And the wand that is missing
is the one I want the most. Mine!

(EXCLAIMS)

BOOTS: There isn't anything in here.

CLAUDIA: Seventeenth district, east side.

My old stomping grounds
before Hortense stripped me of my wand.

Maybe we could go there and sniff it out.

(SCOFFS) Haven't been
in broad daylight for years!

Oh!

I love this mirror.

Rights, Boots, get changed.

We're going for a very important walk.

You haven't put any glue on that,
and that's got far too much.

Move over your paper.

Everybody, your napkin holders
must be finished today.

Get going, it's beyond improvement.

Begin again.

Lacking talent, lacking inspiration,
lacking everything.

A waste of glue.

What's this?

It's something I have to fix.

-It's not our assignment. Hand over your toy.
-ANABEL: It's not a toy.

It's a magic wand.

Of course! Now, give that to me.

(EXHALES)

I wish you'd let me have it.

Shaboom!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

MS. BRAMBLE: Children, stop laughing.

Jeffrey, what are you doing over there?

Anabel. Anabel!

Anabel!

Oh, thank goodness!

Murray, where'd you go?

Well, it's a long story involving the police,
fire department and the jaws of life.

Uh, listen, the other night, I left a long...

You know, a wand...

(SNORTS)

Oh, no. This is sad. This is...

Sticky? Why is it sticky?

I tried gluing it back together.

You put glue on my wand?

You don't put glue on someone's wand.

This is like the Army. You're given one,
it's supposed to last forever.

Look at this. I can't get my hand off.

Here, I have an idea.

This'll keep the pieces together
until the glue dries.

Done.

Does this mean I don't get my wish?

Huh?

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly.
Of course you'll get your...

Well, I'll do the best I can.

(DOOR OPENING)

MS. BRAMBLE: Anabel?

Follow me.

About this wish,
the future of my entire family depends on it.

Well, at least there's no pressure. Okay, so,
whatever your wish is, just remember,

keep it simple.

ANABEL: Okay, here's the thing.

My dad, you see, he's got to sing tonight,

and if he does it better than
anyone else in the world,

he'll get this part
and we won't have to move to Nebraska,

and work for Uncle Carl and render things.

Uh-huh.

Charlie says they make plastic dishes
out of puppy dog tails.

Anabel, please, simple.

Okay, I wish that
when my dad sings tonight, he gets the part.

You mean, that's all?

Well, for heaven's sakes, think of it as done.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

So, you can do it?

What? Yes, but not here.
See, the granter of the wish, namely me,

has to be within 1 00 yards of the beneficiary,
which is your father.

So, where is your father?

Um...

Right across from The Plaza Hotel. Come on,
the subway's one block out the front door.

Subway? Are you kidding?
Have wand, will travel.

(MURRAY CHUCKLES)

Murray, what are you talking about?

Well, it's not important. Come on.

So, Anabel, I want you to look in my eyes
and get a fix on the place you want to be.

-Let me see that.
-No, no.

Not yours, is it?

Am I using up my wish?

This is in service of your main wish,
so try and see it in your head.

See The Plaza Hotel. Visualize it.

Visualize.

(GRUNTING)

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Anabel!

Anabel!

(SCREAMING)

Something tells me
we're not in Manhattan anymore.

Ouch!

Murray?

Tell me when the coffee's ready.

Oh, Murray.

You wouldn't have any floss on you,
would you?

Just get up.

I guess I missed the off ramp, huh?

I'd say definitely.

MURRAY: Nebraska.

We're in Nebraska.

What about that other sign?

What does it say?

MURRAY: It says, "The Plaza Motel."

"The Plaza Motel."

Murray, this is not my wish.

Yes. No. I'm aware of that, dear.

Look, I was coming down the hallway
and I was trying to follow this girl.

She was going away and I... Look, I...

CHARLIE: What's going on? What happened?

Ms. Bramble went mental.

Hey, has anyone seen Anabel?

She ran away.

This isn't like her.

Yeah, and she took her magic wand.

MS. BRAMBLE: ...I don't know,
and the girl flew away.

Let me see. Good.

I knew it, I knew it. I knew my nose would
lead us right to the place.

Ah. Boots, you amaze me.

We've grilled 29 out of 30 kids.

There's only one left,
you dithering little idiot.

Anabel, honey, let me ask you something.
Can I?

Remember when I told you
to get a mental picture in your head?

Remember that?

Do you think you had
anything else going on in there?

Other than The Plaza Hotel? I mean...

Do you think it's possible
that you could have been thinking of,

let's say, I don't know, Nebraska?

Well,

maybe. A little. I guess so.

Ah!

Are you saying this is my fault?

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, honey, no.

Not at all. Don't be...
Well, not entirely your fault.

But then again,
I guess it wasn't entirely my fault, was it?

Oh, you're unbelievable.
Can't you even admit it?

Admit what?

That you blew it.
You totally screwed my wish.

-I did not blow it.
-You did too.

-Did not.
-Did too.

-Did not.
-Did too to infinity.

Did not to double infinity.

There is no such thing.

-There isn't?
-Mmm-mmm.

Hey, Joe, did you see my sister?

Uh-uh. Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. How about my dad? Where is he?

He took off a while ago
with a bunch of tourists.

-Come on, let's go track the old man down.
-No, thanks, man. This'll be faster.

(EXHALES)

What a dump.

This had better not be a wild goose chase.

Somewhere in here I smell the wand.
(EXCLAIMS)

-I got her. I found her. She's here!
-She's here!

Look.

This is a snapshot.

-She's a ballerina. Isn't that cute?
-"Cute."

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

They are the worst. Honestly, those children,

how I used to hate
listening to their insipid little wishes

as if I had nothing better to do
with the rest of my life!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Cinderella.

Oh, God. How I despise this book.

Nothing in this book has ever made
any sense whatsoever.

I mean, what kind of masochistic idiot
goes to a ball wearing glass shoes?

JERI: Oliver? Kids?

Wherever you are, I hope you get this.

Your callback audition's still on for tonight,
9:30, Palace Тheater.

(SNIFFING)

Boots,

how would you like to get all dressed up
and go to The Palace?

(YIPS)

ANABEL: Murray, do you think
anybody lives at that motel?

MURRAY: No, dear. If you recall,

the Clampetts struck oil and then
moved to Beverly Hills. Remember that?

Look, a payphone!
Maybe we can call my dad.

I don't know. It doesn't... No, it's broken.

How many days did you say
till your dad's big audition?

Not days. He's got to sing at 9:30 tonight.

Murray.

You're on my property!

-Greetings.
-Now stop right there!

Oh!

How elegant.

My name is Murray and this is Anabel.
And, you must be...

Oh! "Roy."

Hey, Anabel, honey, say hello to Roy.

It ain't Roy!

But it says on his shirt.

It ain't my shirt!

That ain't his shirt, honey.

Oh! How very artistic.

-"Duane."
-So, who's Roy?

Got a brother Roy!

Is that his shirt?

Was.

Roy's dead.

I needed a clean shirt.

(SOFTLY) He killed his brother
'cause he needed a clean shirt?

Well, this is Nebraska.

So, we have got to go. Love to stay.

But gotta go,
so say goodbye to primitive man, dear.

Not so fast!

What's that?

It's a magic wand, a real one. And it's got
a lot more power than your stupid shotgun.

Honey. She's just a child

and doesn't seem to
understand the danger of combining

a deadly weapon and a low IQ.

Let me see that a minute!

Mmm?

-Give me that thing just a second now.
-Wanna see what?

Speak English.

Give me that divining rod right now.

(MUMBLING)

Let me see that divining rod a second.

Sure. Yes.

(DUANE MUTTERING)

MURRAY: Just a stick.

Let that go! Come on, already.

I'll hang on to this.

(MIMICKING DUANE)
Now you just listen up, you good old boy.

Now you get those greasy taters
out of your ears so you listen real good.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Good Lord, that is disgusting!
Take that back.

Can you believe him?

You may think that's an old popsicle stick,

but that's powerful magic in there, fella.

-Oh, Roy.
-Hey!

Stop right there!

What you going to do? Wave it around,
turn me into some little bunny rabbit?

Do it, Murray. Turn him into a little rabbit.

Well, take your best shot. And I'll take mine.

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

MURRAY: He's not exactly little.

No, not quite a rabbit, either.

Something's not kosher
and I think it's Duane.

Murray.

Rabbit, rabbi, it's in the same ballpark.

Do you realize if he spits now, we're goners.
Let's go.

(ROARING)

MURRAY: Get a clear picture in your head,
where do you want to go?

-Central Park and hurry!
-Close your eyes!

Oh, just do it already!

Shaboom!

(SCREAMING)

(SEALS BARKING)

Excuse me, Anabel,

dear, but what exactly were you thinking?

ANABEL: It's my favorite part of Central Park.

No, thanks! Already ate!

Come on, we've got to go find Dad.

-All right. Well, The Plaza Hotel is that way.
-That way.

Have you seen my dad?

No.

Have you seen my dad?

Sorry.

Anabel, you just missed Charlie.
He's been looking to find you.

I told him where your dad was.

This is my fairy...

Fairly new friend. We just met.

How are you doing? Good to see you.

Need a lift to your dad? Hop in.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Closer to the horse. That's right.

She likes you.

Don't you, Duchess?

MURRAY: Okay, driver, this is good.
ANABEL: It's good, right?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Joe, this is good.

You sure? Happy to take you around.

We're going to surprise him.

MURRAY: Okay, let's do this!

Okay, Anabel, you gotta help me here.

Which one is your dad?

ANABEL: He's the one with the brown coat
and the big hat.

Okay, close your eyes and just
visualize your wish coming true and just...

That's good. Visualize.

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

What the...

My hat! Hey, grab my hat!

Oh!

Dad? Dad!

Anabel, where have you been?
Here, lose something?

When Dad finds out about what you did,
you're going to be in some...

Hey, mister, sorry.
We don't got any spare change,

so just take a hike, all right.
Just leave us alone.

Anabel, honey.

-You see, Dad...
-CHARLIE: Anabel, who's this bum?

And what's he doing with your magic wand?

It's not my wand, Charlie. It's his.

And I am not a bum, thank you.
Do you want to tell him or should I?

-Tell me what?
-This is Murray,

he's my fairy godmother.

Male fairy godmother.

Anabel, what's going on here?
Where's Dad and Duchess?

-They were just here, right?
-I'm not sure about Duchess, but Dad's...

Where? I don't see him.

That's Dad.

CHARLIE: No, that's a statue.
That doesn't even look like Dad.

Well, trust me. It is. I saw Murray use magic.

-WOMAN: It's a mouse!
-I hate mice!

(MURRAY EXCLAIMING)

ANABEL: Hey, wait. That's not a mouse.
It's Duchess.

Come on. Come on, Duchess. Come on.

CHARLIE: What did this fairy godmother guy
do to you?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

I agree, but twice in one century is excessive,
I think.

Come on. Good girl. Good girl, Duchess.

You know,
that mouse might very well be a horse.

-I'm sorry. I don't speak English.
-CHARLIE: I'm putting the horse in your bag.

(IMITATING GERMAN)

Ah.

Yes, that's good. I write you later.

All right, I think I got it.
You're supposed to be 1 00 yards.

That's definitely more than 1 00 yards,
so you have to be within 1 00 yards.

I think I was just too far.
I was blaming it on the wand.

This is going to be fine, okay.
Now, look at this. Ready?

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

Oh.

CHARLIE: All right, all right. Enough.
Where is Dad? And who is this nut?

-Nut.
-Charlie, let me have a minute.

I liked him better when he was asleep.

There's a pushy quality when he's awake
that doesn't quite work.

This is a mess.

I know. It's not good.

You really are a fairy godmother, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

Then undo it. Undo the spell.

You mean spell reversal?

It can be done, can't it?

I've never done it.

How long have you been at this?

I'm certified, if that's what you're getting at.
And I did very well on the final exams.

I skipped over
some of the true-or-false questions,

which, in retrospect, is really dumb

because if you just guess at it,
for heaven's sake, you can...

We what? Fifty-fifty chance
you know what you're doing.

How long?

Well, between you and me,

this wish of yours would be
my first one solo.

This stinks!

I know. It's bad. It isn't good,
but we're dealing with it, remember?

And, nothing's cast in stone.

Well, with the exception of your father.

Bronze. And that statue, Anabel,

-I'm telling you...
-Go over here.

That is not Dad. I know.

It is, too.

-It is not.
-Guys, guys, trust me.

Hortense will straighten this out.
The woman has an answer for everything.

This even the right address?

-Trust me. This is the right address.
-Someone could get in there.

Don't look at me.

I try to keep the jaws of life experience
down to once a week.

-Someone give me a boost.
-This is crazy.

-We're insane. We are all...
-What?

Oh! What an excellent idea. My, you're clever.
Here, let me. Okay.

CHARLIE: Careful, you don't want
that horse in your bag

to have an accident on your homework.

-Very funny.
-(DUCHESS SQUEAKS)

It's okay, Duchess. Stick with me.

Attagirl! Now, listen, if anyone asks,
just say you're a friend of Murray's.

Yeah, that ought to carry a lot of weight.

Hello, in there.

Yoo-hoo!

(LABORED BREATHING)

Oh.

Yo, fairy?

Yeah, that's Mr. Fairy to you.

Did you think of trying the handle?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yo, Anabel. Remember us? Come on.

Get away from me. Go away.

Finally, the fairy godmother headquarters.
What took you so long?

Murray, is this house haunted?

Not very. No.

I heard breathing
and I don't think it was her or me.

Hortense?

Wait, wait, wait. This playing card.

-You're telling me this is a person?
-MURRAY: That's her, all right.

She's the queen of the fairy godmothers.

Fairy di tutti fairies.

Hortense, it's Murray.

A spell like this...

No fairy godmother would ever
do a spell like this.

This is the dark stuff. This is

witchcraft.

Now, don't be afraid. I'm here.
It's going to be okay.

Hopefully.

Nice and easy. She's very fragile.
Well, I'm assuming she's fragile.

The only thing missing is the syrup
at this point.

I'm sorry. I just...

This joke's fallen a little flat. There.
That's right.

Okay, just give me a hand here to...

Not literally. No, I mean, just...

That's right. That's very nice.

Okay, so looks like the wand will have to
save the day once again.

(HORTENSE GROANS)

All right. Okay, so this is 50 feet.

Wish me luck.

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

(COUGHING)

(RENA COUGHING)

(MURRAY MUMBLING)

Hello, Murray.

Why, Rena.

What a pleasant surprise.

You said you'd call me.

-Well things got busy. Yes?
-Murray? Murray?

-Is she your girlfriend?
-No, no, no. She's not...

Hey, Anabel, check it out.
He's got a girlfriend.

-She is not my girlfriend.
-Then who is she?

I was really very disappointed...

Yeah, can we possibly discuss this...

HORTENSE: All of you, pay attention!

We've got a crisis on our hands.

Little girl, who are you?

Um, hi, my name is Anabel.
This is my brother, Charlie.

And we came here
'cause Murray thought you could help.

You see, he's trying to grant me a wish and...

And nothing really. It's just...

You know how it happens.
The spell went ever so slightly awry.

CHARLIE: Yes, ever so slightly wrong.

Goodness, Murray.
What have you been doing with our wand?

Get to work, Rena.

For what we're up against,
it's going to need a quick fix.

I'm sorry. "For what we're up against."
What would that mean, dear?

Come with me, pumpkin.

Okay, now that's heavy.

-Charlie, would you maybe help us...
-Pumpkin.

-I'm very comfortable...
-Would you just give us a hand, please?

Are you really
the head of all the fairy godmothers?

I am, yes.

I tried to keep my wish simple...

There's no such thing as a simple wish.

Just put those goggles on,
would you, boys?

Cute.

(CLANGING)

So, tell me about your wish.

My dad got turned into a statue
and I don't know why.

Was there anything else?

His horse got turned into a mouse,
and his carriage got turned into a pumpkin.

HORTENSE: Stop right there.

This spell of Murray's,
it must be lifted before midnight.

After that, your father will most likely
remain a statue forever.

You promised her what?

Nothing, I just said
that we'd get the wands back.

From Claudia's? No, no. Forget it.
Absolutely not.

Murray, we've got to.
We've got to get to the park before midnight,

otherwise Dad will be a statue forever.

Look, there has got to be some sort of...

Oh!

Anabel, honey, listen,

we cannot go to Claudia's. I mean,

first of all,
I don't even know where she lives.

And secondly, she hates my guts.

Is this another one of your ex-girlfriends?

Look, let's just try to stick to the topic,
shall we?

-If Dad misses his audition...
-CHARLIE: If? Anabel,

it's 9:1 5, game over, that's it.

Listen, now, let me tell you something.

It ain't over until the flat lady sings.

Get it?

"Flat" lady, "fat" lady?

-Don't worry about it. It's just...
-Murray,

remember last night when you told me
that I had to take a rain check?

Okay, go backstage, find your dad's agent
and tell him to stall, okay?

-CHARLIE: Yeah, okay.
-You gotta get us to the balcony.

ANABEL: Follow me.

Charlie, thank God.

-Where's your dad?
-He just got a little stuck.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you now Mr. Tony Sable,

who, with your generous backing,
will be the star of my 23rd consecutive hit.

-That's the guy, right?
-TONY: Thank you, Lord Richard.

-What are you going to do?
-Maestro.

Time for that rain check.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) Shed not one tear

My dearest Lucie

I must die soon
In one swift moment

Shaboom!

What is going on here?
How am I expected to work...

Now, that's what I call rain.

-Anabel, did you see that?
-Yes!

RICHARD: The thunderstorm isn't until Act 2.

Yes, yes, I did it.

Manny, move.
Seriously, what's going on here?

-Manny?
-What do you want with me?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we've had a new sprinkler system installed

and there are some bugs left to work out.

RICHARD: My soggiest apologies.

After all, the show must go on.

-All right, Mr. Sable. The stage is yours.
-ANABEL: That's it?

-All right, Mr. Sable. The stage is yours.
-ANABEL: That's it?

That guy gets to sing and my dad can't?

It's so unfair.

Interesting.

-Did I say something?
-(TONY SINGING)

You ever get that feeling
where you feel a sore throat coming on?

Sort of (GASPS) scratchy?

You mean like a frog in your throat?

Hurry, he's already singing.

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

(CROAKING)

Anything for attention.

Tony? Tony?

Tony?

(CROAKING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Now, that is what I call a frog.

Not so fast. Get that back to that keyboard.
If you ever want to work here

or anywhere else, play.

Now, there's no need for concern,
ladies and gentlemen.

No, no. Keep your seats.
Keep your seats, please.

(SCREAMING)

Anabel? Murray?

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

There, there. Don't go.
They're perfectly harmless.

What's a few toads when
Broadway history's about to be made?

MAN: Look, Richard, I love the show.

I love the set, I love the T-shirts,
I love everything!

If you just add a six-foot frog, I'm in.

(FROGS CROAKING)

Well, that's what I get
for getting over excited.

My, oh, my.

Hey, I'm fine. I don't need a doctor.
I need a microphone.

I'm okay. Listen.

(SINGING) It’s a far, far better thing that l do

Do you see any frogs in there? Look.

(JERI SCREAMS)

Save it for opening night, Tony.

-You mean I got the part?
-Yeah.

Wait a minute. Manny, listen to me...

-He wins by default.
-But, Manny...

Sorry, toots. That's show business.

Murray, that was great. I wish I could...

-I mean, I...
-I think I know.

Murray, when I grow up,
I think I want to be a fairy godmother.

You want to take a crack at it. Is that it?
I really shouldn't,

but there you go.

Do I hold it like this?

No, it's more like...

No, no, no. It's more like with two...
See, it's...

(MURRAY EXCLAIMS)

(WAND CLANGING)

-Where'd it go?
-I...

ANABEL: Where is it?

MURRAY: This is a serious problem.

Oh, this is sad.

-Got you now.
-Boots!

Back off, Murray. I'll push her over. I will.

Dead giveaway, Murray.

Any magic around here
had to come from you.

Come on. Let her go.

-Where's Claudia's wand?
-(MUFFLED) I don't know.

Ah!

Did your dad ever tell you
the story of Brer Rabbit?

I know it.
Please, don't throw me in the briar patch.

Yes. Yes, that's it. That's good.

(DUCHESS SQUEALS)

(BOTH GROWL)

-I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
-No!

MURRAY: Boots, you don't scare us.

Maybe Claudia could, but not you.

Claudia?

Please, don't take us to Claudia's.

Oh, please, don't!

BOOTS: You know what?

I'm gonna take you to Claudia's.

To Claudia's?

No!

(SQUEALING)

Isn't it frightening, waiting to see
if we're going to Claudia's?

Come on, we're going to Claudia's.

Oh, Lordy! No.

What's to become of us?

Will we survive?

MURRAY: Despair is my new middle name.
Woe is me!

The end is near.

Duchess, hey, hey.
Come here, come here. Stay.

Gotcha.

MURRAY: Save us!

Woe is me!

Whatever you do,
don't show us where the wands are hidden.

MURRAY: Yes, don't do that.

CLAUDIA: Nothing.

Poochcas, I send you out
to fetch me one measly little wand,

and you failed to do even that. Did you not?

(WHISPERS) To get to the wands!

-What?
-I...

(CLEARING THROAT)

What was that?
Care to share it with the rest of the class?

Boots!

Guard.

(GROWLING)

Princess,

-come look me in the eye.
-Don't.

(BOTH GROWL)

My wand. You know where it is, don't you?

MURRAY: Don't talk to her.
Don't even look at her.

(BOTH BARKING)

Now, surely you have a wish.

Every creature your age,

any turning of the head,
gives birth to a new longing.

Very well.

If need be,

I will do the choosing.

This child wishes...

To

be a great dancer.

Bingo!

Claudia, don't.

(BALLET MUSIC PLAYING)

Murray, please help. I don't wanna dance.

I can't stop.

Oh, yes, you can.

Just as soon as you come clean

about where in this wretched city
you stashed my wand.

MURRAY: Come on, Claudia.
This is so demented.

CLAUDIA: What's wrong with this picture?

Something's off.

Dancing all alone,

doesn't seem like much fun.

(MURRAY SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

BOOTS: Claudia,

we can't leave them dancing forever.

Oh, they won't last long.

-BOOTS: Make your bet.
-Murray, please make her stop.

CLAUDIA: The only question is
which one will break first.

My money's on the midget.

And we have a fabulous conductor.

(BOOTS BARKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TEMPO INCREASING)

-Help me, Murray.
-Help you?

Help me!

(TEMPO INCREASING)

(ANABEL EXCLAIMS)

Put me down!

-Help!
-MURRAY: Get down!

(TEMPO INCREASING)

(SCREAMS)

No! No! No!

Please...

Put him down.

(MURRAY EXCLAIMS)

ANABEL: I give up!
I'll tell everything you wanna know.

I give up! I give up! I give up.
I'll tell everything.

Anabel! Don't!

I believe we have a winner!

Oh, you poor darling,
come with me into the parlor.

I'll take care of all your wishes.

You, stay with twinkle toes.

If he makes a move towards those wands,
give him a taste of the mace.

Now, my darling, you must be exhausted.

Can I get you some brandy? A milk?

Both?

Now, just between us girls,

-where's my wand?
-Central Park.

-Near the boat lake.
-CLAUDIA: The precise location?

If I take you, you'll show me, won't you?

Yes, but there's something I want in return.

There's always something.

What? Do you want to go home?

No, but it was very sweet to think of it.

Sweet. That's me.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

So, then what is your wish...

Your request?

I want you to use your incredible powers
to release my father from a magic spell

that Murray totally screwed up.

CLAUDIA: Classic, isn't it?

Well, that's what happens
when you send a man to do a woman's job.

Wait till you hear the details.

-You won't believe the things he did.
-CLAUDIA: Tell me all.

ANABEL: Well, he took us to Nebraska...

(GROWLS)

MURRAY: It was worth a try.

BOOTS: You can't fool me,
I'm gonna be a witch.

Listen, Bootsie,
I've known many witches in my day,

and you're no witch.

Claudia promised me.

You believed her?

You poor, gullible mutt, she's lying to you!

She'd never lie to me. She's my friend.

(WHISPERS) She can't keep a promise
to anyone other than herself.

(SNARLING)

Go ahead, see for yourself.

Ow!

(BOTH GROANING)

What?

MURRAY: I guess the cleaning lady
didn't show up this week, huh?

Boots?

Boots?

-You were supposed to be watching him.
-I... I, I...

-Bad dog. Bad, bad dog.
-(BOOTS WHINING)

CLAUDIA: Now do as I told you.

Get over there and drag that
chest of wands over to the fire

and burn them. Go on.

Murray!

-You weren't thinking of leaving, were you?
-Oh, no.

I thought we were having so much fun.

-We are.
-Yeah.

You know, you really needn't worry

about being such a miserable failure
as a fairy godmother.

Actually, I'm planning on
phasing all of you out anyway.

"Actually I'm planning on
phasing all of you out anyway."

How dare you mock me!

"How dare you mock me!"

Cut it out!

"Cut it..." (CHOKING)

Listen, buster, you are talking
to the future queen of darkness here.

You don't seem so confident about that.

-Look at those worry lines.
-(GASPS)

Liar.

You know, normally, I enjoy liars.

But in your case,
I believe I will have to make an exception.

I'm not lying.
Right next to that wart that's growing.

Wart?

I have a lighter,
if you'd like to burn it off, sweetie.

Murray, I'm just about ready
to break every bone in your body.

"Murray, I'm just about ready
to break every bone in your..."

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

What's that?
Feeling a little al dente today, are we?

Oh, no. No, Murray, don't.

You'll smudge my wax.

Men.

They'll always be putty in my hands.

I'd love you to tell me
where you hid my wand!

(MURRAY SCREAMING)

(CLAUDIA LAUGHING)

(MURRAY GROANING)

(SIGHS) Now is the time for all good men
to spill the beans.

Aw. Look at the poor little fairy godmother.

Think you're so magical, do you?

-Wait, wait. Here, burn this.
-What?

Go ahead.

-You're getting rid of it?
-Could be.

But it's a perfectly good old shoe.

-I love old shoes.
-Sit.

ANABEL: Good girl. Stay.

CLAUDIA: Great, what now?

And you, what an annoying
yet undeniably cunning child.

(CLATTERING)

(SCREAMS)

Yes.

Still has its old snap.

Olly, olly, oxen free!

Come on, both of you move.

Come on.

Tired of this game.

(TICKING)

(THUNDER CRASHING)

All the time, all the planning, all the magic
that went into making my wish come true.

There were times when I thought to myself,

"Can one modest little witch
really make a difference?"

But then I thought,

"What if Lucrezia Borgia
had ever thrown in the towel, huh?"

Ah.

I go on.

I go on confident that, in the end,
evil will triumph over good.

Very touching, if you were a troll.

(CLAUDIA SCOFFS)

(MURRAY GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS)

BOOTS: Claudia,

can I ask you a question?

-No.
-But

what about...

-What about me?
-You?

Is that all you ever think about?

You exist on this planet for the sole reason

that one night, in a weak moment,
when my cable was out,

I chose to tolerate your companionship.

Aren't I your best...

What? Friend?

Is that the word?

You?

You and your needy little eyes
and your twitchy ears.

You, with your incessant whining
and scratching!

You, who fills the air with an acrid stench
every time

-you come in the room after the rain.
-I got it, I got it!

Does that mean you're not going to be
making me your partner?

Partner? (CACKLES)

But you promised!

Only a dumb mutt would believe
a witch's promise.

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Well, that's it, Boots. You're gonna be fixed.

MURRAY: You kids better
get these wands out of here.

(BOOTS WHINING)

CLAUDIA: I've had just about enough.

Okay, okay. Get the wands out of here. Hurry!
You've got 1 5 minutes.

Don't stop for anything.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(MURRAY SCREAMS)

CLAUDIA: Bite me, will you?

-You're gonna get...
-No! No, you...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

MURRAY: Get away from my wand.

-Get me back that wand.
-You gonna...

-MURRAY: You witch...
-CLAUDIA: That wand...

-Wand. You better get...
-MURRAY: No!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

CLAUDIA: Boots, show yourself right now
and maybe I won't have you stuffed.

(SCREAMING)

You stupid animal.
Get back here with my wand.

There you are.

All right, Boots. Drop the wand at my feet,
and I'll send you to the pound

with a nice little rubber mouse, huh?

MURRAY: Come on, Bootsie,

you want me to rub your little tummy?

Drop it now!

MURRAY: Come on, Bootsie.

Get back here, you stupid animal.

Oh, yes, Bootsie. Good girl, Boots. Yes!

Good riddance to you both!

No!

No!

(SCREAMING)

No! No!

Do something, you idiot!

O Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

now who's the smartest of them all?

I am. I am! I am!

Uh-oh!

(CLAUDIA SCREAMING)

We are. We are.

Where's my chin? Where's my...

Wave goodbye, Bootsie.

Perhaps it's time for some quiet reflection.

Murray!

Almost slipped on some collagen.

Murray, don't leave me like this.

You broke a mirror.
It's seven years bad luck, I tell you!

-Come on, Murray, come on, come on.
-Hurry, hurry.

The boat lake in Central Park. Move it!

Faster! If we don't get to Central Park
before midnight,

my dad will be a statue forever!

MURRAY: Anabel, quickly
get a picture in your head.

All right. Here we go.

(STUTTERING) Shaboom!

(CLOCK TOLLING)

(MEOWING)

(DUCHESS SQUEALING)

Duchess!

CHARLIE: That's it?

I'm sorry, I...

I've nothing left.

What? How can you say that?

Murray, just forget about
what Hortense said about midnight.

If you remember, she also said
the real magic comes from inside.

So let's all hold hands.

(CHARLIE GROANS)

-You, too, Charlie.
-Do I have to?

-ANABEL: Yes.
-Aw, man, this is so stupid.

ANABEL: Charlie, for once in your life,
don't be a jerk.

Now see the wish.

(DUCHESS NEIGHING)

Dad! Dad! It's really you.
You won't believe this.

First I went to Nebraska
and this giant rabbi almost stepped on me,

and then Duchess turned into a mouse.

It's really you!

Anabel, come here. Of course, it's me.
Anabel, Charlie. What?

What are we doing here? It's...

It's like...

What time is it?

It's after midnight. The callback!

I'm supposed to be at The Palace.

Okay, look,
I'm gonna have to call Jeri, they...

Did something happen to me?

No, no. Of course not.

Wait right here, Dad. You gotta meet Murray.

-He is right over here.
-Yeah, he's her fairy godmother.

He's a really cool guy.

-Murray? Murray?
-OLIVER: Come on, Duchess.

Come on, let me get you hitched up.

CHARLIE: Where is he? Where's the taxi?

It's okay, Anabel.

We didn't get to say goodbye
or thanks or anything.

CHARLIE: But he was
one hell of a fairy godmother.

Oh, your tooth!

Well, give it to me. So you don't lose it.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

-I'm gonna miss Murray.
-I know.

I'm happy for him, though.
First one he got right.

OLIVER: What are you guys talking about?

MAN: Opening night. Get your program.

(SINGING) Far, far, better thing than l do now

MANNY: Keep it going, keep it moving.

Rabble over here.

-All right, you're up.
-Warming up for your one note in Act 2?

There's no shame in being an understudy.

I'm sure you'll be one again someday.

MANNY: Hurry now, come on.
Everyone, get in their place.

Watch your step, Tony. Don't fall.

MANNY: Kids at the back, come on.

I can't believe you did that.

The only way I'll be the lead
in this show is if he...

I don't know, kicks the bucket or...

JERI: Relax. You're just saying
what everyone else...

-Okay, kids, time to go.
-CHARLIE: Good luck, Dad.

TONY: Look at this. Who is this psycho?
I want a restraining order against this guy.

-Tony, gotta go.
-Miss Drescoll... When I'm good and ready.

What is with this dressing room?
It's more like a toilet.

It is a closet, Michael. It is a toilet.

One word, "big." I want "big."

You know what I love about you? Nothing!

Get out of my sight before I throw up.

Thanks for the flowers, they're beautiful.

TONY: And another thing,
I am the star of this show.

That curtain does not go up until I am ready.

-I'm sick and tired of this whole thing.
-Shaboom!

TONY: Look at me.

I think in percent and in return I expect 1 00%.

-Have you got that?
-I have it.

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(GROANS)

Agony. I am in agony.

I think my leg is broken.
I think that my leg is broken.

You know what? This show cannot go on.

I don't believe this curtain can go up.

-I do not think this show can go on.
-RICHARD: Mr. Sable...

But this show will go on.

...I have had it with you
and your temperament.

You are out of my show,
do you hear me? Out!

You'll not set foot on stage. Wardrobe!

OLIVER: I'll be looking for you
in the third row, aisle.

RICHARD: Hold the curtain and open
the microphone for an announcement.

-Easy.
-Okay, come on.

Okay, cue the announcement.

Everybody, stand by.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

at tonight's performance of Two Cities,

the role of Sydney Carton,

listed in your program
as played by Tony Sable,

(EXCLAIMS)

will be played by Oliver Greening.

(CHARLIE EXCLAIMS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Sorry.

Oh!

Don't you enjoy
all of Lord Richard's love melodies?

-(POPS)
-(WOMAN GASPS)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

(SINGING) The rats come creeping out

A certain slanted son shall die

Instinctively, we bow

Тheir carriages just pass us by

Lovers...

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

It's a far, far better thing

That I do now

Than I have ever done before

You'll want to miss me

But not to kiss me

It's a far, far better thing

That I do now

Than I've ever done

-Before
-(CHOKING)

-Hello, Boots. There you go.
-Thank you.

A hit, a palpable hit.

Come on, honey. Let's go. There we go.

Yes, sir, you got it.

New York Post!

50-foot rabbi terrorizes Nebraska!