All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S03E09.HDTV.x264-aAF

Subtitles by explosiveskull

What if you really are
Mr. Right There in Front of Me?

Previously on You Me Her...

Hey.
Can I talk to you privately?

Uhh!

- Emma, what the fuck is going on?
- I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

Fuck you.

I just want you to know
what I said that night...

"It's not me, it's you?"

Yeah. There's nothing wrong with you.

You are perfectly Nina Martone.

I already work insane hours
at Pinnacle,

and if I make partner,
it's gonna be even worse, so...

I was assuming you were coming
home, not coming to get us.

My rate is $40 an hour,

minimum five hours per day,
five days per week.

- We can start looking at daycares.
- Thank you.

- Fuck!
- What?

I forgot about my meeting
with Sasha and her grandma.

It is only a matter of time
before those two

gravitate back
to the world that they know.

How long are you gonna live their life
instead of your own?

Hey, the Wilbergs are putting
their place on the market.

- You wanna check it out?
- What's the harm in that?

- Are you looking for the party?
- I'm looking for my girlfriend.

God, I love that house.

What's not to love?
I'd move there.

Well, fuck.

How long do you think
they can keep this up?

I hate that I still find
this shit show so damn riveting.

I've surrendered to the shame.

I want to walk away,

but my body is just
not listening to my brain.

Well, here they are, the Trakarskys,
back on the block.

- No, I-I wouldn't...
- No, no, no. We're not back on the block.

We were just next door, visiting...

So I didn't just catch you guys
house shopping?

What? No!

You're gonna laugh
'cause this is a real, like, uh...

- Funny story.
- ...you know, Hawthorne Heights story.

We were at Helen Wilberg's house.

Turns out she's a virtuoso baker...

Uh, yeah.

...who is opening her own shop,
and wanted us...

- ...to try her... cupcakes.
- We test them.

- Remember?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yes, I remember.

It just happened,
of course you remember.

And it was...
They were delicious, right?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Tell her. I mean, they were like... Mwah.

They were...
It's hard to explain.

- Are you kidding?
- Props for the weird specificity

and going all in with the "mwah."
But you lie just as bad as your ex.

Sometimes they're so bad at lying,
it's adorable.

Other times, not so much.

- No, seriously, they were delicious.
- Really...

Highly inventive use of the, uh,
cranberry and the Brandy.

- I was gonna mention that, yes.
- Brandy.

And... Well! Look at...
Oh, my God!

- They're selling the house.
- Babe. Babe. Just...

Why didn't Helen mention that to us
when she was baking the cupcakes?

Just let it go. Let it go.

So it's official.

Greg Kinnear's weird little
brother knocks you up, and I'm history?

Okay, that is offensive...

and flattering.

Kylie, I... I don't know where to start.

I'd recommend starting like this:

"My name is Emma,

and I'm a tourist lesbian asshole

who just wasted
five months of your life."

- Kylie, we created the most...
- Shaun, come on.

...amazing life together and it really
almost felt like it could be real.

But if I'm completely honest
with myself,

I am in love with these two.

- I really hope...
- Oh, stop. Please, just stop.

Way deep down, I knew that
you were just dragging me through

your elaborate mental breakdown.

Kylie, you're right.

And I'm really sorry.

I didn't just come here
to fight for you, Em.

You becoming managing partner
just stopped being

a "someday" kinda thing, babe.

Carlin's announcing
his retirement and his successor

sooner than expected.

- Like how much sooner?
- Like Tuesday.

Only way you don't get it
is if you're not there.

I have no clue why,
but I don't wanna see that happen.

Whoops!

Things just got a little more
complicated, huh?

So... Andy.

- Yep. He's back.
- Crazy.

- Bananas.
- All the... fruits.

Are you gonna keep seeing him? Or...

I-I-I don't know.

Well, he did go crazy over me.

I mean, he got drunk

and then he moved to the woods
for a couple weeks.

I could go way crazier than that.

Certifiable, you know.

I'm not an idiot, Nin. I mean, I...

I know I'm not your dream guy.

That's not true.

Actually, I had a sex dream about you.

- Is that right?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, well... do tell.

All I remember is, um,

waking up screaming in a cold sweat.

Yeah, that's called a nightmare.

- Oh, right. Sorry.
- Yeah...

Whenever I'm with you,
I always end up smiling.

And...

I'm... I'm starting to think

that maybe that's more
important than it sounds.

That being said, I need a minute.

Oh. Totally. I understand.
Yeah, that... that's fair.

59...

58...

57...

56...

Shall we sum up?

Uh, could I have some coffee first?

Okay.

So Emma left us
to start a new life in Seattle,

came back, and the three of us had...

objectively transcendent sex.
Would you agree?

- Yes, it was very nice sex.
- Agreed.

And then she left again.
Would you like some strawberries?

Yes, please.

Six weeks later, she finds out
she's miraculously pregnant,

comes all the way back to Seattle
on the midnight train,

and then has an epiphany
that she still loves us

and does indeed want to have a baby.

Okay, just to be clear,
I'm the prick in this story?

- Just this chapter. Seems to rotate.
- Oh.

And then I catch the two of you,

blissful and beaming
after checking out a house

that is so quintessentially
Hawthorne Heights,

it somehow smells like pumpkin spice
from the fuckin' street.

Iz, what's your point?

Here it comes.

Look at me...

in the eye.

Have you already made up your mind
about raising that baby in this loft?

Me?

Yeah, you.

For the record, I never
voted yes on this place, so...

So you hate it?

No, I love it. Are you kidding me?
I've always dreamt of living in a...

- industrial loft like this.
- Really?

Yeah, and then I got pregnant
and realized there was no way in hell

this brick racquetball court
makes any sense for a baby.

I mean, fuck, you're right.

We'd have to learn sign language

just to have a conversation
while the gnocchi's sleeping.

Here's the thing. If we just...

If you just gave the Wilberg house
a chance,

if you saw the inside of it,
it's, like, it's pretty...

Look, guys, there's no denying
this is complicated,

but we'll figure it out, okay?

Together. We'll figure it out together.

- Whatever. Fine.
- Like everything else.

- Okay?
- Okay?

Bring it in.

Okay.

Get your big Trakarsky lips off my face.

What is it?

Just my dad.

And...

He keeps trying to give me the boots

he doesn't remember giving me
for my 17th birthday.

Seems like it really means
something to him.

They were Wittner.

- Probably super fucking fly, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'll go talk to him.

Enjoy your breakfast.

- Bye, babes.
- Bye.

You know what sounds good?

A pineapple and salmon pizza.

- Ugh.
- Mm-hmm.

- For breakfast?
- Mm-hmm.

We really are pregnant, Em.

Yes, we are.

Hey! There you are!

Our young girls are off
to first day of daycare.

And it's all good.
It's... it's no big deal.

- It's... it's totally fine.
- Are you sure?

Aren't these little backpacks adorable?

They make these teensy, tiny,
little backpacks

to give to parents who rush
their teensy, tiny kids

off to... the care of complete strangers.

Carmen.

It just seems like yesterday that we were

finally wiping the last
of the baby goop off of Lily.

And Callie... I mean,
she says the F word

better and more frequently
than either of us. And they're just...

...super weird in their...

...amazing incredible ways that nobody
else could possibly understand.

And I thought that you were dropping
them off. Why are you wearing pajamas?

I was just lying down upstairs,
having a little think...

Oh, Jesus, you were upstairs masturbating
while I'm down here losing my shit?

No, I was literally in bed,
having a think this time.

About?

Well, my boss certainly didn't
seem supportive when I said

I wanted to take a month off
to write a children's book.

I didn't know you wanted
to write a children's book.

I don't. I can barely stand to read them,
but that's kind of the point.

You know, I don't wanna be thinking
that I should've done more.

- I heard that's a thing.
- No, Dave...

you couldn't be a better father,
trust me.

Yeah, but I could be a father more,
and that's what I want.

So while I was upstairs not masturbating,

I called work and I said I'm either
taking a month off or I'm quitting.

- And?
- Well...

Looks like I'll be spending
a month's sabbatical

diligently not writing
a children's book.

And then what?

I don't know.

And that's surprisingly exciting.

Whenever I think I know
all there is to know about you,

you show me more.

And I love it all.

I realize I could've cleaned
myself up a little bit

before I came down here
to tell you this exciting news.

But, um, I'm definitely...

I've got sleep crusties, for sure.

I mean, I'm in my jimjams,
for Pete's sake.

Fuck!

- Yeah, that's much worse in this context.
- I didn't hear anything.

Yeah, I think it was the wind.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- If you don't like the color or...
- They're perfect.

They're just boots.

Happy birthday, Peanut.

What is it?

Emma's about to get a huge promotion
at her firm in Seattle.

It's, like, her dream job.
The money's crazy.

And we just got back together,
but she has to consider it, right?

It's fine. Go... go ahead.

Well, you're right.
She does have to consider it.

And she will.

And they'll invite you
to Seattle to live in their house

with their baby
and keep living their life.

Any advice or...

Say no.

They're not gonna do it, Iz.

This is on you.

But I have a confession.

Oh, God.

What else did you do during
your 10-year lost weekend?

I have a line on a good job
here in Portland,

so, uh...

I'm not entirely impartial
about where you live.

I get it.

Change is scary.

I mean, this is new for all of us,
right? Myself included.

I mean, stakes are gonna be
part of the process.

I shouldn't have raised my voice.
I shouldn't have yelled.

That is a sign of weakness
and not a sign of strength.

I can't demand your respect.

I have to earn it
with calm and confidence.

Also, if you could refrain
from throwing food in Daddy's hair,

that would be really nice,

because a bit of that went in my eye,
and that is a legitimate safety hazard.

Daddy's head is made of poop.

What? Uh, no.

No, for... for Lily's sake, honey,

Daddy's head is made of skull and bone
and hair and teeth, right?

- Not poop. There's no poop.
- Poop!

Say my head's not made of poop!

Say my head's not made of poop!
Say it! Say it! Say it!

People are here.

- Wasn't expecting people yet.
- Me neither.

They're looking at us.
What do we do now?

Be calm and be confident.

Cool. And how do we fake that?

Uh, talk low, make 'em strain to listen.

Cool.
So I appreciate you all coming here

- on this first day, and...
- Maybe not.

Good morning, everyone! Welcome
to your first day at The Heights!

Hi! I'm, uh...

- Carmen.
- Right. Carmen.

Weird, 'cause it's been my name
since I was born.

Anyway, I'm really looking
forward to meeting each of you.

But first, I have to avail...

myself of the facilities, as it were.

I...

Oh, I-I have to pee.

Uh...

As do I.

So... just...

Um...

What do you need?
Uh, do you want some water?

You want me to slap you in the face,
like they do in the movies?

If you don't say "no" by the time
I count to five, I'm just gonna give you

- a good, hard slap.
- Fuck was I thinking?!

I have no clue how to operate
a fucking magazine

or let alone supervise anybody
over three feet tall.

Okay, give me your phone.
Your phone.

Darling, what's up?

Oh, there's just a lot
of people out there.

Dave, Dave, I... I did the accent.

What do you mean?
The... the not-quite British voice?

Oh, for the love of God! Why?

Because I was losing my shit.
And now I'm hiding in the bathroom!

It's not an awesome start, Dave.
It's not awesome!

You're my Wonder Woman.

You got this. Say it back.

I'm your Wonder Woman. I got this.

While I have you on the phone,
do you have any tips for Callie?

She's formidable, and tickling
is no longer doing the trick.

Uh, yes. She thinks there's a monster
prevention device in the closet

that only adults can operate.

- Perfect.
- Uh, David?

Yes, Wonder Woman?

You're my Wonder Woman.
I really love you.

- Okay, that's enough.
- I love you, too, honey.

Hey, when you come home tonight,

why don't you, uh... Hello? Hello?

I wish I had one of those.

Oh.

Ahh. Not bad.

I'll have to call you back.

A depressed Muppet
just flopped into my office.

That's accurate.

Got any new chapters for me?

Nope.

Might I recommend one

about unicorns that lose
themselves in the throuple

and completely neglect
their own lives?

I spoke to Meredith
at Directions.

They're interested in offering you
a counseling job.

Seriously?

Yeah.

But they have some questions
about your... reliability.

What are you doing, kid?

Izzy. Hey, you.

Were you guys gonna leave a note?

We're leaving for Seattle
tomorrow at oh-dark thirty.

I guess Spidey Sense does
skip a generation.

- What?
- Nothing.

- We packed you a bag.
- Yeah.

I've got the biggest decision
of my life to make tomorrow.

But, you know,
it's not just mine to make.

It's all of ours, the three of us.

And... I really want you guys
there with me.

Jack...

Emma...

I've already made my decision.

What does that mean?

I can't just leave my life.

Assuming I can convince Meredith
I'm not a flake,

I'm getting a full-time
paying job at Directions.

That's great.

Yeah, congratulations.

My best friend is here,
and my dad is looking for a job here.

This is my home.

This is my life.

Well, if you're not going,
we're not going.

- Right.
- So...

No, Em, you have to consider it.

You know I'm right.

I want you guys to go to Seattle.

Think about it, talk about it,
give it a real chance.

And I'm gonna be here
when you get back.

So whatever you decide,

I'm not gonna be angry
and I'm not gonna be bitter.

Okay?

Doesn't get
any better than this.

Mm, got that right.

What the hell?

Okay, hey, remember that part
where I said I need a minute?

Oh, you think...
No, you see,

I'm not What's-His-Name,
the shitty bartender.

No.
I'm, uh...

I'm What's-His-Name,
the shitty delivery guy. So...

Wow. Those are...
so beautifully unarranged.

Yeah. You know,
it's kind of our thing.

Our niche, if you will.

I think we're earthy and wild.

- Doesn't get any better than this.
- What the hell?

Hey, look, uh...

You can "take a minute" from me
but not from him?

No, he's not here. It's... uh...

that.

- Seriously? Both of you?
- What the hell is he doing here?

You told me to take a beat but not him?

She told you she needs "a beat"?
Told me she needs "a minute."

- Mm.
- For what? To choose?

Like, what is this, a competition?

Uh, no. Not like a...
like a dance-off or something.

But...

Hey, now that I said the word
"dance-off" out loud,

let's not entirely discount it, right?

Sounds hilarious.

Come on!

Fine. Whatever. No dance-off.

Those are flowers?

Two suitors remain,
but I hold just a single beer.

Like The Bachelorette?

Oh, I don't hate it.
I should, but I don't.

I'm in.

Just kidding.

Beer's for me.

Okay, look, here's the deal...

we're gonna meet back here tomorrow,
and I'll reveal my choice.

Your choice?
After what this little shit did to you?

Are you seriously telling me
I'm in a neck-and-neck

with fucking Shaun
the fucking bartender?

No offense, man.

Well, there's no conceivable way
to take that as inoffensive.

Well, competition makes me chippy.

For tomorrow, feel free to flake.
It'll make the decision for me, you know.

I'll be here. I'm not gonna flake.

Thank you.
You can just leave them as well.

You're power trippin', girlfriend.

Ooh, not your girlfriend.

See you if I see you, Andrew.

Mm.

We want you to come with us.
You know that, right?

I do.

Will you do us a favor?

Name it.

If it's awesome, if it's perfect...

do you promise you'll think about it?

You know, I read an article recently

that nearly half of Seattle's
population is runaway teens.

- Really?
- Yeah. Strange but true.

Just go.

I'll keep it in mind.

Wait, wait.

Bye, Eji.

Izzy?

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