All language subtitles for Meet The Baron

- Was you there?
- No, I wasn't there.

- So I did it.
- Shut up.

By Jove, I remember
like it was yesterday.

Maybe it was yesterday.

No, let me see. It was 1916.

- We was right here...
- Wait.

- Hear anything, Julius?
- No, Baron Munchausen.

- You, McGoo, smell any lions?
- No, baron.

And if Joe don't smell no lions,
there ain't no lions.

I'd be very much obliged if you kept
my nose out of your affairs.

So it was 1916...

...right here in the same jungle.

I was surrounded by 55 tigers.

Will you shut up?
I won't have my servants lying.

Please, baron, if that's a lie,
I hope I never...

Wait. You're right. That is a lie.

Of course it is.

It was 1917.

What was that?
Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Say! You know, that looks
just like my Aunt Sophie.

Come on.

Quiet now.

A lion!

Good work, baron.

If you hadn't have got him,
I'd annihilate him with my bare hands.

Julius! Julius!

Where is that fool?

Come down here!

- I'm coming.
- Watch yourself, now.

Don't worry, baron. I'm all right.

I don't care about you. It's the water.

We've only enough to last
till we hit the river.

Careful!

You imbecile! You moron!

Do you realize that this is
all the water we have left?

Enough to last us for just one day.

- We'll never get out of this alive!
- But, baron, please...

After trying for 1 o years to get back
to civilization, I had to find you two.

- How'd you get here in the first place?
- We tried to tell you.

But you was always engrossed
in matters petite.

Julius was a pants presser on the boat.

Yeah. Please, valet!

So you was a valet.
I was a mess boy.

And nobody on that boat made
a prettier mess than I did.

The captain beat us up, so we made up
our minds to skip the skipper.

And we swam ashore.

Well, a man has gotta eat, so we
started around looking for fruits and nuts.

And we found you.

- The rest is history.
- Give me that water, I'll take care of it.

There isn't a chance in a
million of our ever reaching the river.

Oh, baron, please.

Just two fingers of water.
One finger.

I'll settle for a knuckle.

Shut up and go to sleep.

Baron, you look tired.

Why don't you lie down and rest.
I'll watch.

No, you don't. I'm going to stand guard.

My throat is so dry, I feel like
I swallowed a vacuum cleaner.

Why don't you look
on the bright side, Julius.

Tomorrow we may come across
a gargling brook...

...or a spring with its cool Olympic waters
gushing merrily on.

We may even reach the river
where the waters hit the shore, or...

Julius, are you going daffy?

No. Just trying to get some water
on the knee.

Oh, he got me.

Joe! Joe!

- What? What? What?
- He left us.

- Who? Who?
- The baron. Listen what he says:

"There is just enough water for one
human being to get to the river alone.

I drew lots for the three of us,
and you lost. "

The swine! I'll sue him
for non-desertion and support.

Wait. "It's lucky for you
that bullets are scarce.

Otherwise, I would do
what I did on my last trip.

Dead men have no tales. "

What? Give me that missile.

"Dead men tell no tales. "

This sounds very ominous.

We're two souls left to die by a heel.

Joe McGoo dies with his shoes on.

- Well, Joe, goodbye.
- Partner.

This place must be wired
for sound. Listen!

- Headhunters! Cannibals!
- Cannon balls?

Joe, quick! Let's do something!

We mustn't fall into the hands of them
terrible heathens to die. Rather death.

- Maybe we better choke each other first.
- It's the only way.

Wait, wait! I can't breathe.

- That's better.
- That's better.

A lucky thing that we're both here
to choke each other.

- You know what them cannibals do?
- What?

Take off your clothes, put you in
a kettle of water, and start a fire.

- A kettle of water?
- Yes, water.

Get out of my way!

Hey, cannon balls!

Here I am!

Hey, fellas! Partners! Partners!

Oh, there they are.

I hope we're in time.

Here. Give me the water.

- Is he all right?
- Just thirsty.

Here.

He's coming to.

Sir Herbert, after 1 o years
we've found the baron.

The man the whole world
is waiting to welcome.

My congratulations.

I am very happy.

- I wonder who he is.
- Strange-looking creature.

Perhaps he's one of the natives.

You're saved, baron.
We were just about to give you up.

We were running out of water ourselves.

That liquid's so scarce that we made up our
minds to take back no one but the baron.

What if he isn't the Baron Munchausen?

Baron Munchausen?

It is the baron
and he's trained one of the natives.

We'll take them both home.

Hail Baron Munchausen.

Hooray! Hooray!

This telegram I have in hand
gives rise to one conjecture.

It says, "Dear Dean, the baron will be
pleased to come and lecture. "

How wonderful!
How marvelous!

We even might acknowledge it's adorable

So all of you must spread the news

To every living person
In this piece of architecture

Tell every mouse in the whole darn house
that the baron will be here to lecture

The baron and his manager
Are coming here to lecture

Baron and a staff of 10
Are coming here to lecture

The Baron and a hundred men
Are coming here to lecture

The baron is colossal
His lectures on the fossil are selected stuff

The baron is colossal

We want to wish the fossil
Plenty mazel tov

- Upstairs maid and downstairs maid
- We're here, Dean Primrose

- Is upstairs made, and downstairs made?
- And how, Dean Primrose

We've polished the doors
Scrubbed the floors

With a hey, nonny, nonny

And we sprinkled the bed
Where he lays his head

With eau de cologney

Be careful how you treat him
The best is none too good

This is how I'll greet him

The best is none too good

I'll personally press his panties

The best is none too good

I'll personally wash his scanties

The best is none too good

We'll make him pie a la mode
Our best, that's understood

Our best, that's understood

You'd better serve bicarbonate of soda

Your best is none too good

Hello, I'm the head janitor.

If Miss Primrose wants me, tell her
I'm fixing a tiny bit of a leak...

...down in the janitor's cellar.

- I got a fish!
- I got a fish!

All us children got fish.

Wait a second, boys. That's the first fish
of the season. Make a wish.

Take your time, now, son.

- Well, I wish I was in Dixie
- He would

He should

We'll save this fish for the baron's
breakfast. The best is none too good!

Folks! For the sum of 50 cents
Past every famous residence, we'll ride you

You'll see the tomb of President Grant
That elegant old monument beside you

We'll pass the churches they take vows in
The museums they browse in

The nightclubs they carouse in
And best of all, Munchausen

Remember, folks, from this here bus
You'll see the baron's barge

You'll even see the baron
Without an extra charge

We go from here right to the pier
Without an extra charge

Isn't this a most exciting holiday?
This is a jolly day

Because we'll meet the baron

Even from the sticks the hicks are scurrying
The world is hurrying

To try and greet the baron

- One.
- Two.

Three cheers for the baron.

Come up and see me sometime.

We heard that the best is none too good.

And of all the ladies
in the neighborhood...

...we're the best.

And we're none too good.

Three cheers for the baron.

We'll meet him as we should.

I've gotta sing a torch song

The best is none too good

- I am the mayor, with my yes men
- Yes, sir

- Always glad to give the pressmen
- Yes, sir

- All of my speeches in detail
- Yes, sir

For the mayor has a heart
As big as a whale

There he is, they're coming
This is wonderful

Hooray, it's wonderful
Hooray, the crowd is frantic

We're exhausted, this reception's killing us
It's darn near killing us

Gee, don't he look romantic?

It's wonderful that I receive
This greeting from the people

We love you, we like you
The feeling's municipal

- What a reception.
- A suspicious occasion.

Why, Pomeranian is breaking loose.
And what's your reaction? Negative.

Joe, I don't like this. Maybe it's better
I go back to pants pressing.

Why, you vulgarian. We're all set.
Tomorrow, you're gonna broadcast...

...and then you lecture at Cuddle College.

And it's all the baron's fault.
He left us in the jungle to rot.

- Rat!
- No, rot.

- But don't worry.
- This is no time for "remissing. "

Distribute your bows.

Big simp! "Bows," he said, not "books. "

- Joe, look.
- What?

Face is familiar, but I can't place the...
I got it. The hippopotamus.

It's my Aunt Sophie.
If she sees me, we're sunk.

What a family resemblance. It's uncanny.

Let me peruse that contract.
I gotta peruse it.

- Hello, Charley.
- Yes, Mr. Burns.

Baron, allow me to present our star
announcer, Mr. Charles Montague.

Baron, this is indeed an honor.

- I assure you, the feeling is monotonous.
- Thank you.

- And his manager, Mr. McGoo.
- How are you?

How do you do? We'll be ready
for the baron in a minute.

Fine.

Now, according to this contract,
namely and to wit...

...the baron is to receive $2ooo
for 2ooo words.

That's $4 a word.
Regardless of size, shape or color.

Off-color words cost extra.
But not one word more.

- That's perfectly satisfactory.
- Good!

But what about that room where
I'm gonna listen in and check up?

- I gotta take care of our interests.
- Certainly. Page.

- Yes, sir.
- Would you escort Mr. McGoo?

- Yes, sir.
- Remember, 2ooo words...

...no more or no less.

- Use one-syllable words.
- Sure, I know that.

Escort me, boy. Escort me.

Baron, permit me.

- There you are, sir.
- This is all right.

- Many people come in here?
- Oh, they're in and out, sir.

- Thank you. I won't need any ice water.
- Yes, sir.

People come in and out, huh?
We'll attend to that.

No one's gonna tamper with my records.

And now, this station has
the great honor to introduce to you...

...the famous Baron Munchausen.

Baron, the radio world is waiting for news
of your recent activities.

- So?
- What was your last great achievement?

- Well, I was... You would like to know?
- Yes, we would.

So would I...

- I was deep-sea diving.
- Deep-sea diving?

- Yeah, in water.
- Naturally. What were you diving for?

- I was diving for sponges.
- Sponges.

- Then you know all about sponges.
- Do I know about sponges?

- Do you?
- Sometimes you must meet my relatives.

Baron. I'm referring
to the species Euspongia.

Yes, sure. Hello?

You understand. That elastic, resilient,
porous mass of interlacing fibers...

...forming the internal substratum
of certain marine animals.

We're off!

- Baron, where were you diving for sponges?
- 629, 63o, 631, 632, 633, 634, 6...

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Not so fast.

What do you think I am?
A republic accountant? Seven...

The last time I was diving there,
I had a very tough time.

- You encountered difficulties.
- You see I... I beg your stuff?

- I say, you encountered difficulties?
- No, no. Halibut.

- Halibut?
- Yes, but I couldn't go down very far.

- No?
- A school was swimming around...

...on top of the water.
So I pushed them aside...

Baron, pardon me just a moment.
But aren't halibuts strictly a bottom fish?

- Sure.
- How could you find a school at the top?

- This was a high school.
- High school.

Well, that night a storm broke out.
Such waves you never saw.

- The boat was doing "zummerzaults. "
- Doing what?

- Zummerzaults?
- Somersaults.

All of a sudden, the sea
quiets down, you see?

- Calm.
- And so I'm... What sir?

- Calm, calm.
- Where are we going?

- No, no, no. The sea became calm, quiet.
- Yes, that's what I said.

So as soon it becomes quiet,
we dive down...

...and we bring up 87 tons of sponges
with one dive.

- Eighty-seven tons of sponges?
- Yeah.

That's impossible. Preposterous. No one
could bring up that many in one dive.

- No?
- No.

- Was you there, Charley?
- Oh, no. I was not there.

So we brought up 87 tons of sponges
with one dive.

Seventeen hundred and eighty-two,
83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89...

Wait a minute. Can't you see
I'm running out of wall? 1792, 93, 94...

Tell me, baron.
What was your greatest discovery?

- Oh, when I discovered the North Pole.
- You discovered the North Pole?

- Sure.
- But according to authentic records...

...the Pole was discovered
by Robert Peary.

Sure, that was me
traveling under a different name.

- Oh, I see.
- For two months, Charley, for two months...

...I flew north. When all of a sudden,
I ran out of gas and oil.

- Oh, my. And you were forced down.
- No, not me.

- No?
- You don't know the baron. He stays...

- I mean, I stayed up for six months longer.
- Without fuel?

- Without fuel.
- That's against the Law of Gravitation.

I know, but this was
before the law was passed.

- I see.
- So after I got there, to the Pole...

- Yes?
... for miles and miles around me...

...was nothing but broken ice.

- Ice floes.
- So there... Once over, please.

- I said, ice floes.
- Yeah, so does water.

You see? You didn't know that.
Well, after I got to the Pole, you see...

...I flew to Africa.
- Baron, is it true that in Africa...

...it is being overrun by the tsetse fly?

So when we got...
What is the commotion, please?

- Tsetse. Tsetse. Tsetse.
- Bless you.

Nineteen hundred and ninety-six,
97, 98, 99, 2ooo. Great one, baron, 2ooo.

- No, no, I forgot to tell you...
- Hold it. Hold it, baron. Hold it.

You're going over your quota. Baron, baron.
Let me get out of here.

- That's inconceivable.
- No, that's it!

It's locked. Where's the key?

- You loaded a shotgun with hail?
- Yeah.

I've been robbed.

Tell me, baron, how did the battle end?

Well, for days and days
I was running through the jungle.

They were just about to catch me,
when I came to the ocean.

- The ocean? What did you do?
- What did I do?

I jumped in and started to swim.
And for weeks and weeks, I was swimming.

- Don't tell me.
- I must. I've got to use up 2ooo words...

- What?
- I kept swimming.

And when I got in the middle
of the ocean, I came up for air...

...and who do you think I met?
- I don't know. Whom did you meet?

- My Aunt Sophie!
- Your Aunt Sophie?

What was she doing
in the middle of the ocean?

Light housekeeping!

- Oh, Baron.
- Oh, Charley.

I'm mortified.

I'm running into difficulties,
that's what I'm doing.

Static!

Clean as a whistle, fresh as a daisy

Brand-new, clean through

Going my way
Just wearing that smile of mine

Clean from the country,
I don't know nothing.

Just a baby.

And that baby's going to be 29.

We've won beauty prizes
Throughout the nation

We will prove it
On the slightest provocation

I come from England.

I come from Sweden.

Okay, America!

Spend my day
Just wearing a great big smile

Clean as a whistle, fresh as a daisy

Spick and Spanish

Spend my day
Just wearing a great big smile

Light as a thistle, couldn't be lazy

Feel good, real good

Life's a payoff
Wearing a great big smile

Getting myself ready
To meet somebody

And the baron
Is that very sweet somebody

Clean as a whistle, pink as a baby

Got strength, what strength

Spend my day
Just wearing a great big smile

Clean as a whistle, fresh as a daisy

Brand-new, clean through

Start my day off
Wearing a great big smile

Light as a thistle, couldn't be lazy

Feel good, real good

Life's a payoff
Wearing a great big smile

Can't you see we're all excited?

Then as I'm relaxing
But gee, I'd rather

Exercise myself into...

Say, the water stopped!

- Water!
- Water!

Water!

Give me the janitor,
and keep ringing till you wake him.

- What's the matter with you?
- There.

Don't trump my ace.
Don't you know how to play bridge?

- You gave me the nod.
- We're playing for money. No signals.

I can't concentrate.
That phone. Get your stuff.

I got mine.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Can't you hear we're busy?
Call back later.

Yeah, call back later.

Get back to the game,
get back to the game.

All right.

Wrong number. I guess I told her.

People bothering you.
Have you guys got any tricks?

Have we got any tricks?
Hey, show him that trick.

We got a trick where
I get up on his shoulder...

...and while I'm up there,
he drinks a cup of coffee.

- You drink a cup of coffee?
- Yeah.

- Do you like sugar in your coffee?
- Sure.

There's a lump.

Wait a minute, now.
I'm gonna deal these cards.

- You're what?
- I'm gonna deal the cards.

I'm the boss, ain't I? I'll deal.

I'll hit you a crack in the kisser.
I'll do all the dealing.

Here, there's a four for you.

There's an ace, that's for me.
There's an eight.

And there's a deuce. That takes too long.
There's some for you there.

There's some for you, there's some for you,
and that's for me.

- What do you bid?
- I bid four spades.

- I double.
- I re-double.

- I triple.
- Triple? How do you like that?

- You can't triple!
- Why can't I?

But the man says you can't triple.

- Come on.
- How do you like that guy?

That argument's between he and me.
Between he and me.

Yeah. Now, I can triple.

- Triple. You wanna triple?
- Yeah.

- You must triple?
- Yeah.

Hey, mouse-head, come here.

Okay. Come here.

- Now you've tripled.
- That ain't the Culbertson system.

You nincompoop! You idiot!
You good-for-nothing lout!

I want you to know that
I disapprove of you most heartily!

- What's that squawk?
- You blockhead!

If I didn't have the baron's arrival,
I'd take care of you.

How are you, Primrose?

Something wrong with the showers.
The water's off. Hurry.

Girls are standing around
without clothes on.

We'll be right up.

- Boys, boys, get the tools.
- What tools?

The tools we've been using
for the last 1 o years.

- Hurry up.
- Oh, those tools.

Sure.

- What's the matter?
- You hear the whistle?

- Time's up.
- What is this, mutiny?

- No, we're union men.
- Local 464.

Telephone Main 1234.

And if a man answers, hang up.

- Are you gonna work?
- No.

- Are you gonna work?
- No.

- Are you gonna work?
- I'll work if I feel like it.

- Do you feel like it?
- Yeah, I feel like it.

Listen, fellas, let's get organized.

Do you understand? The girls are upstairs
taking a shower bath...

...and the water is stopped.
And we've gotta fix it.

- The girls are in the shower?
- Yes.

- They're waiting for us?
- Yes.

- We gotta fix it?
- Yes.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I'm the boss here. I'm the boss.
Stop it. Give me my tools.

- Okay.
- Stop.

- What's the matter?
- You can't go in there.

We can't, eh? She don't know us.

Apparently, you don't know me.

I'm the dean, you hear me?
The dean! Dean! Dean!

You're a better man than I am,
Gunga Dean.

Why can't we get in there?

Because the girls
are in their showers and I can't.

- We won't even notice them.
- Who won't?

You can't say that about us.

Lady, we gotta get in there
if you want those pipes fixed.

Well, I guess it will be all right
if you blindfold your eyes.

- What's she talking about?
- Put a handkerchief over your eyes.

Like the time we held up the bank?

No. What's the matter with you?
Cover your eyes.

- No, with a handkerchief.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?

Now, remember, one slip of those blindfolds
and you'll feel my wrath.

Don't try to bribe the boys.

Come along.

Girls, girls! There's nothing
to be alarmed about. They're blindfolded.

No, we can't see a thing.

It's a dime!

Wait a minute. Wait a second.

Don't catch cold.

There they are. Now, let me see
your little hands get busy.

The pipes are there.

Oh, it's the pipes
that need handling. Shucks.

Boys! Boys!

- The pipes.
- How do you want them fixed, lady?

- Rare, medium or well-done?
- Any way you like, but hurry.

All right, fellows. Concentrate.

I'm gonna take you
in the land of beyond.

You're gonna see a beautiful woman,
a gorgeous-looking creature.

I'm not talking to you, toots.

- This beautiful little girl...
- What's the meaning of this?

Well, I'm giving it to you medium.

You stop this nonsense and get to work.
You sluggard, you.

No, he's the sluggard. See?

- Will you get to those pipes?
- Will we?

Wait a minute, fellas.
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, now. Wait a second.

Take your time. Pull it out there.

Pull it out there, boys. Come on.
Come on, let's go to work.

Boys, boys, stop that racket
or I'll expel you.

You'll expel us? How do you like that?

- We'll quit first.
- Yeah.

- Are we men or are we rats?
- Rats!

We'll get this fixed.
Here, Curly, hold this.

Here you are, sir.

Pretty good.

Another winner.

Mind that for me.

Stop! You fool.
Are you trying to kill this man?

Why don't you mind your own business.

Shut up. I'll do the talking.
I'm the boss, ain't I?

You're not getting anyplace.
Better try a little chiseling.

Oh, he's great at chiseling.

- You know what's coming to you?
- Certainly.

Okay.

- Here, give me my smashie.
- Okay, number five.

- Here you are.
- That's it.

Hey, deanie, get a load of this shot.

Boy, am I putting you over big.

Who wants to be put over so big?

There he is!

Girls! Girls! You must...
You must control yourselves.

If there are any hysterics to be had,
I'll have them.

Baron Munchausen,
welcome to Cuddle College.

- Welcome, welcome and thrice welcome.
- You're welcome.

Hey, boss. Now?

Not now, you mug. I'll tell you when.

I want you gentlemen to meet the faculty.
This way.

This is Professor Martin.

Professor Winterbottom.

And this is Dr. Martin.

A doctor!

Doctor, I don't feel so good. Look.

- Now, boss?
- No.

- Can't you remember how we rehearsed it?
- It comes after the cheer.

Now, girls, let's give the baron
the good old Cuddle College yell.

Ready?

C- U-D-D-L-E!

C- U-D-D-L-E!

C- U-D-D-L-E!

C- U-D-D-L-E!

Cuddle, baron!

Okay now, boss?

Okay. Fire on the count of three.

Are you ready?

- One.
- Two.

Three.

All right, boys, bring them in.
Bring them in, boys.

Carrying bags all day long,
but get offers...

Hey, what's the matter?
What do you want?

- Baron.
- Baron, will you...?

Girls, girls, girls, outside.

You'll see more of the baron
at his lecture.

- Where do you want me to put the bags?
- Put them...

- Put them under the bed.
- Boys, put the bags under the...

Wait a minute.

Baron, I smell treachery.

Or is that you?

You want the bags
where you can see them.

Sure. I want the bags...

I want them under my eyes.

But you already got bags
under your eyes.

What's the matter with you?
Talking that way.

Please, my bags!

- Ignore it, baron.
- I'm insulted!

The baron demands an apology.

Hey, hatchet head, did you hear that?

- The baron demands an apology.
- Baron.

Apologize to the baron.

Well, if I said anything to hurt
the baron's feelings, I thank you.

It's apologized.

Baron, tell me. Did you bring
your animals with you?

No. First I look around
and see if I like the country.

Then I send for my animals.

And also my birds.

Oh, a bird lover, eh?

And you know all about them?

Do I know about birds.

You give me a bird, any bird,
and I tell you where it comes from.

Oh, we give you a bird and
you can tell us where it comes from.

Yeah, but give me a good one.

For two pins, I'd knock your head off.

That's very cheap. Here.

Hey, what's the matter?

Crack you on the head.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Who you think
you're fighting? What's the matter?

- Get up. Save it.
- What's the matter?

Humiliating, that's what it is.

Under a bed and no husband in sight.

Save it, boys.

Oh, dear!

Come on, get up here. Get up. Get up.

But...

Say, you better leave. Oh, my.

Oh, my!

Just look at this room.

What in the world were they doing?

Why, baron...

...I've heard so much about you.

It's a lie. It's not so,
and I've got the papers to prove it.

What a reception. What a reception.

Showered with flowers...

...and I didn't send out
no announcements.

Oh, excuse me.

This is Miss... This is my manager.

Oh, how do you do?

How are you, babe?

Oh, please.

I know I'm not good-looking.

But what's my opinion
against thousands of others?

McGoo talking. Hiya, babe.

Send me up a couple of cases of gin.
And some aspirin.

You ain't got no aspirin?

What kind of a hostelry is this?

Well, just send me up some ice water.

Yeah, ice water.

Oh, I do hope you forgive this room
being all mussed up.

Oh, that's all right.

When I look at you, I'm like this room.

All mussed up inside.

You're a sweet girl. You know that?

When I see your eyes...

...my heart goes "pitty. "

- You mean pitty-patty.
- No, I mean pitty.

I got a weak heart.

Oh, baron, my hand.

My hand.

My hand. Oh, well.

I bet you're awful fickle.

Only when the sun shines.

- What?
- When the sun shines...

...I get fickled all over.

Do you want something to play with?

- Hello?
- Do you want something to play with?

No.

This is good enough for me.

Baron!

- Sweet thing. She knows from nothing.
- Yeah.

Well, I'll come back
and finish the room later.

- Good.
- Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, you'll find it in the bathroom.

I'm gonna like this place.

So soft.

Come in.

Halt.

- Who wanted ice water?
- We did.

That's good.

You are very lucky to get back
to civilization, my friend.

I shall never be leaving it again.
I'm through with traveling.

- Hereafter, I propose...
- Baron, have you seen this?

"Baron Munchausen. "

"Joseph McGoo. "

Why, this is an outrage!

I'll have them jailed for this!

- Why, I... I...
- Wait. Where are you going?

To the States.
They can't get away with this!

Or did I have it?

Let me see.

I guess I did.

No, positively not.

Now, wait. Did I?

Maybe I did.

No... Yeah... No.

Joe?

Joe.

Come in. What's the idea?

Listen, did I eat supper tonight?

What a question. What a query.

Disturbing me in the arms of Orpheum.
Did you eat supper?

You ate 12 courses,
not counting the cutlery.

Funny. I'm so hungry.

I go down and eat a snack.

My, the cooks never turn off any lights.

Well, of all things.

Why, baron...

...whatever are you doing in here?

Me?

You...

It was too warm upstairs.

I'm used to the frozen north.

Icebergs. Blizzards.

It's more like home in here.

Well, don't you feel cold?
Aren't you afraid of freezing?

Afraid? Me? Oh, please.

Don't be silly.
The baron is afraid of nothing.

Feel that muscle.

My, you're as strong as an ox.

But a strong ox.

Are those teeth marks?

Sure.

It's frostbite.

Frostbite? What did you do?

I bit right back.

You... You know...

...they can't make a sucker
out of the baron.

You know, you look... You look cold.

Maybe you would like to go inside.

Oh, no. I'm perfectly comfortable.

I'm worried about you.

Me?

Me?

I like this weather in here.

Soon I'm going back home to
the land of the ice and the snow.

L... I take you with me.

Oh, baron, I'd love that.

We'll have lots of fun all... All day.

And then we'll settle down in a bungalow.

Igloo?

- What's that?
- Igloo.

Baby talk?

No. Igloo, igloo.

Oh, sure. Lots of igloo.

And all day long, we ride around
on a piece of ice, huh?

Ride around on a piece of ice?

Sure. What's the matter, you never
heard of an icicle built for two?

Baron, you're a scream!

It's getting a little too drafty in here.

We better go inside.

Oh, no, I could sit in here and listen
to your stories all day.

I think you're wonderful.

And I think you're cute too.

Just like a lovely picture.

Oh, baron, you have such
a knack for pretty phrases.

Phrases, yes. But I can't remember names.

Oh, baron, I'm all atingle.

See? You got the chills.

You can't stand the cold better like me.

Oh, no, I'm not cold.

Oh, dear! You must be cold.
Just listen to your teeth.

Pay no attention, they just want to talk.

Your teeth talk?

Sure, didn't you ever hear
of teeth chattering?

Baron, you need this hot-water bottle
more than I do.

Oh, my!

What am I going to say?
About what? Who? When?

I won't do it!

So you won't talk, eh?

No. Once and for always, no lecture!

What am I gonna tell the dean?

I gotta give her some excuse.

Say I don't feel good. Say I got chills.

Better yet, say I got sleeping sickness.

Why it's preposterous! Sleeping sickness,
when you're up and walking around.

I always walk in my sleep!

- Hello, girls.
- Hello.

You going horses' back riding?

- That's nice.
- I bet you're quite an equestrian, baron.

No, no. I just like to ride horses.

Why, the baron ain't afraid
of man nor beast.

You remember the time
with the hippopotamus, baron.

Sure, that's nothing. And the porcupine...

- You rode on a porcupine?
- For two days.

- That seems incredible.
- And without a saddle.

The next thing you'll say is that
you dug a spur into an antelope.

- No, I dug a spoon!
- You dug a spoon into an antelope?

I thought you said "cantaloupe. "

Too bad you haven't got a voracious
beast or two around here.

The baron would do stunts that
would knock you off your feet.

That would even knock me off my feet!

We've got some high-spirited
horses in the stable.

No, not today. Some other time.
I've got a lot of work to do.

- Come on, baron, show us.
- Please, we've heard so much.

Please! Not now.
I've got a lot of work. Please.

Will you get in there and tie him up?

I can't tie Rosebud up, boss.
He's got a tantrum.

There's nothing to be afraid of.
Braying mules never kick.

Yes, sir. I know that and you know that,
but Rosebud don't know that.

Go on and do as you're told.
Get going!

Yes, sir.

Nice Rosebud.

Sweet Rosebud.

Ain't nobody gonna hurt you!

Come on!

What's the matter with you, mule?
Why don't you get up from there.

- Why the baron is a genius, personified.
- We've got some pretty wild horses here.

- Just the right kind for you, baron.
- Here's one you'd love.

And what a jumper! Whoa, Dynamite!

Dynamite? I'd ride him in a minute, girls,
but I haven't got my riding pants.

I can't ride without my pants.

Just show the girls how you mount.

- Yes, baron, please show us.
- No. These big horses ain't got no speed.

Now, there's a nice little pony.

He's cute, you know that?

I'll ride him!

You people stand back.
You're liable to get hurt.

Boss, if I were you, I wouldn't
fool with this mule.

Don't worry, I wouldn't hurt him.

Look out.

Hey, Joe. Hey, Joe!

Please let me down. Let me down! Please!

Joe, will you please...? Nice little horsy!

Why, the baron will conquer him. I hope.

Why, he's sticking right to him! Wasn't he?

- Baron, are you hurt? Any bones broken?
- Are you hurt?

- What happened?
- Jackass!

I break my neck and he calls me names.

Next stop, Cuddle College.

Stroke, stroke, stroke.

Say, before I'm through with you, you'll
have more degrees than a thermometer.

By the time you get through with me,
I'll need a thermometer.

- Didn't I get you out of that lecture?
- You and that other mule.

But what about next Wednesday?
They want I should talk then!

Don't worry, I've got it fixed.
You might get a broken neck...

...or a busted knee,
but you won't have to lecture.

Yeah? What is this!

Oh, baron!

The dean wants to see you both
in the study right away.

- What did I tell you? A degree!
- Thank you!

- When you get this degree, don't enthuse.
- En-whose?

- Act blas�. You know, nonchalant.
- Sure. Who is it?

Nonchalant. You know, like this:

Oh, sure. Sleepy.

- No. Take it with a grain of salt.
- Oh, you got to eat it?

What refreshing stupidity.

Come in.

That's the man! That's the impostor,
the cheat, the fraud!

- Who is it?
- You stand revealed in your true colors.

- Telling these people that you are...
- Just a moment, stranger.

- I didn't get the name.
- You know who he is. Baron Munchausen.

A practical joke, eh?

I'm glad we got a sense of humor.

- Good day, sir.
- No, you don't!

- You two know who I am.
- The next thing you'll say...

...is that we met before.

I bet he even says
we worked for him before!

That's exactly what he says.

Stranger, you slay me. He slays me.

Yeah, sometimes you must come
around and let us slay you.

Do you deny that you were
with me in Africa?

- I was...
- Do you deny that you were my servant?

- But...
- That you brought me my toast and coffee.

- I object!
- On what grounds?

- Coffee grounds.
- Objection restrained.

And unless you change your tone,
Mr. Persecutor, I'll hold you in content.

What kind of nonsense is this?

I'll thank you to address
your remarks to the bench.

He is nothing but an ignorant commoner.
A dirty scoundrel, a dirty cheat, a liar!

Gentlemen. This is no time for innuendo.
This man has made some serious charges.

- Penelope. This is Sophie, the new maid.
- How do you do?

When she changes,
will you show her around?

These men are fakers! If you're not
going to do something about it, I will!

Just a moment. We've never had
any scandal in dear old Cuddle!

That is, nothing that wouldn't
happen in any girls' school.

I'm sure we can settle this quietly
among ourselves.

- We'll have the police settle this for us.
- Police!

This is a rank insult to my "intelligentria. "

Wait, wait! Whose side you on?

I'm exaggerated. We shall go.

No, you don't.

Wait till you see the baron, my Munchie.
He's so dignified and so handsome.

Don't you think a beard brings out
the character in a man. Don't you?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, this is Munchie's room.

- He takes a dozen towels, 12.
- Yes, baroness.

But you don't need to bother
about this room, I'll take care of it myself.

Nobody else is gonna make his bed but me.

- I tell you, they're lunatics.
- I'm humiliated.

Indignant, outraged.
I got a good mind to be sore.

I'm controlling my temper too.
And I don't like it.

And it's all your fault.

All you have to do, my dear Mr. McGoo,
is have the baron show his credentials.

Credentials? Did Columbus have to show
his credentials when he landed...

...on Plymouth Rock and says,
"Lafayette, we are here"?

Did Washington have to show
his credentials at Valley Frost...

...when he put them Union soldiers
back to work?

Well, what's good enough for them fellas
is good enough for me. And vice versa.

How dare you impersonate me.
I'll have you jailed for this...

...if it's the last thing I ever do!

- Oh, yes?
- Yes!

Maybe you'll sing a different story
when I show them a certain letter.

Where is it?

I show it. Here it is. Listen to this:

"I drew lots for the three
of us, and you lost.

It's lucky for you
that bullets are scarce.

Otherwise, I would do what I did
on my last trip.

Dead men tell no tales. "

A fine hero. That would look nice
in the newspapers.

You mustn't use that letter. You can't.

You lowlife, you.

You snake in the bush.
And now I'm even insulting the snakes.

I don't know what to think.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
There's something wrong.

Dean, I'm afraid I've made
a terrible mistake.

I've never seen these men before.

You've never seen them before?

You see, there are times
when I suffer from loss of memory.

When I don't know who I am.

I get it. Magnesia.

I ought to turn you over to the police.

Insulting the baron.

- Calling him a cheat.
- Please, let bygones be like they was.

Let's forget about it.

I hope, Mr. McGoo, you don't think
there was the slightest doubt about you.

But I better get him off the grounds
before he makes some more "accusiations. "

But quietly, please.

Very quietly.

I hope, Baron, you won't let this
little episode disturb your equanimity.

Nothing could break that up.

- Julius!
- Aunt Sophie.

All over I have looked for you.

Oh, do you know the baron?

A baron? He?

He's my nephew, Julius.

He is the best pants-presser
in the country.

- Sophie...
- Then he is a fraud.

- I knew it.
- It ain't true?

Who said it ain't?

Nobody presses pants better than Julius.

I said something wrong, maybe?

She did, didn't she?

No, what she says...

...was the truth.

You worm.

You blackguard.

You contemptible something.

Pack your things and get out of here.

And take your manager with you.

Riffraff.

There, there, there.

No man's worth all that fuss.

I trusted him so. And we were
gonna be married soon...

...and spend a night in Iceland
and the other six months in Europe.

The brute. To take advantage
of an innocent girl.

My head was turned
by his pretty speeches.

There, there, forget that pants-presser.

You sit here and have something to eat.

No, thanks. I'll never eat
again as long as I live.

Oh, come.

I have no clothes to be pressed,
so get out of here.

Please, can I speak to you?

She doesn't want to see you,
so get on your way.

- I'm speaking to her.
- She's not speaking to you.

That I could see for myself.

Please, just two words...

...and I never bother you again.

I have nothing to say to you.

There. Now, will you get out of here?

Besides, what is there to say?

I want to tell you...

...if you hate me,
I hate myself even more.

I can't look myself in the face.

Why, I shaved in the dark this morning.

- You know what I am?
- A liar.

And, oh, what a liar.

Where do I get those ideas?

Everything you told me was a lie.

A terrible lie. A dirty lie.

Even when you said you loved me,
that was a lie too.

A big lie. No.

No, that was the truth.

When I said you was
cute and wonderful...

...that was the truth.

- How many? One or two?
- Two, please.

Oh, baron.

But I thought if I told you I was
a valet, you wouldn't love me.

That's why I let you believe
that lie that I was a baron.

- I'm such a fool.
- You certainly are.

For the same lie
I could have been a prince.

No, no, that's my tongue
speaking, not me.

Making me call you Munchie,
making me...

Please, please.

If you forgive me, I never tell
another lie as long as I live.

I hate you.

Give me one more chance.

Please, just one.

Never.

I had such wonderful plans for the future.

For you and me.

A cute little cottage with 65 rooms.

No, a few rooms.

A dining room, a bedroom,
a bathroom with a bath...

...a pantry with pants.
No, next to the kitchen.

And outside would be a beautiful
garden with flowers.

Honeysuckles and don't-forget-me's.

And every night I could see
you waiting by the gate...

...for me to came home from work.

Now there'll be nothing.

I guess I was just blowing bubbles.

And my bubbles didn't bub.

Please.

- One more chance.
- No.

I never want to see you again.

It's finished?

I'll go. I'll try to forget you.

But I won't.

I'll never look at another bed
without thinking of you.

Get out of here, you tramp.

- Tramp.
- Tramp.

- Tramp.
- Tramp.

Tramp, tramp, tramp
The boys are marching

Tramp, tramp, tramp
The boys are marching

I thought he was a hero.

I thought he was a champ.

Our hero is a zero.

The Baron is a tramp.

Tramp, tramp, tramp
The boys are marching

Tramp, tramp, tramp

There goes the Baron Munchausen

There goes the Baron Munchausen

Snap out of it, partner.

- Joe, my heart is busted.
- Dismiss it.

Women have always been
the downfall of man...

...from Adam and Eve
to Sords and Ruebuck.

It only goes to show
we should have been honest.

I resent that.

We may have been slightly indiscreet,
perhaps a bit deceptive.

I might even go as far
as to say crooked...

...but always honest, as the day is long.

- Do you see him?
- There he is.

- It's a pinch.
- We're catched.

- They went that way, sir.
- Oh, thanks.

Who are they? Must be burglars.

Come on, little snowflake.
Smile for your mammy.

Can't you hear me?
Your dear old mammy.

Just a moment.

All right.

I'll go quiet.

But nobody is to blame but me.

Joe McGoo, he is a stranger to me,
I don't even know his name.

Here, sign this.

Sure.

I sign the confession.

Now, baron.

Baron? I'm not a baron.

I'm just a liar, and I take my medicine.

Give me that pen.
This is a fifty-fifty proposition.

If you get 3o years, I'm entitled to half.

But you gentlemen don't understand.

I'm from the General Broadcasting Company.

- What?
- Your first broadcast was so successful...

...we want you for more.

Wait a minute, I'm his manager,
and he don't broadcast for less than...

Fifty dollars, 48, 2o.
For nickels. For nothing.

Two hundred bucks.

But he's already signed the contract.
Twenty weeks at $25oo a broadcast.

- We've been robbed.
- Well, if you feel that way.

Please!

Let's talk it over, friend.

I'm in my best managerial mood.
Leave us alone.

I'll go to my room
and I practice speeching.

Fine.

- Won't you be seated?
- Thanks.

Now, in the interest of my client...

...we're willing to take $25oo a week,
but that's just mere pin money.

We demand a sliding scale...

...and all arrangements must be
written out regular to wit.

And et cetera. Et cetera...

...with equal malice towards everybody.

Am...? Am I dreaming?

- It's you.
- Yes.

I suppose you think I'm a silly girl...

...but baron or beggar,
I couldn't live without you.

You mean, you'll marry me?

You have forgiven me for everything?

Yes, but you've gotta promise
me one thing.

- What?
- You'll never tell another lie.

That, I give you my word on.

If I ever tell another lie...

...may all our children be acrobats.

Partner, be calm, be calm.

Oh, leave me alone, will you, please?

Doctor, what is it?

It's them. Twins.

Twins? Boys or girls?

How can I tell?