All language subtitles for 2point4 Children S01E03

Is this it? That's the one.

Legs are wobbly. So would yours be
if you'd spent all winter on your
back underneath a ton of bone meal.

Sounds fun, though!

Shouldn't there be a grill thing?

You see that folded-up tarpaulin
in the far corner by the rake? Yes.

Don't EVER look under there. Argh!

Told you! What's that stuff?

All I know is there's a pool of it
and it moves.

Even ET ran out screaming and
jumped back in his flying saucer.

It's filthy. You can't use this.
Try the hose.

Why'd they rather enter the Temple
of Doom than the kitchen?

If we'd been on Ask The Family,

they wouldn't have needed to show
a household object at an odd angle.

Could have just shown
a gas cooker from the front.

Give them a rusty pan full of coal

and a chunk of dead flesh
and the caveman instinct comes out.

Oh, there's a snail. Give it here.

Bill! She deserves it.

All I've heard from her recently is,
"Good time to prune the roses.

"Your rose certainly rambles,
doesn't it?

"Would you like to borrow
our secateurs?"

I've a good mind to shove a frog
up her nightdress.

Is that working? Rona?

Oh, sorry.
I was just thinking about cavemen.

THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH

Is everything
all right over there?

Just pruning the roses, Mrs Grimes.
Oh, all right, dear.

You started it.
Well, you needed it.

CRUNCH!

Leonard, there's another snail.

Come on. Let's get on. Do you have
to finish this this evening?

I'm not wasting time on it tomorrow.

I've got far worse things to waste
it on, like the bloody shopping.

Oh, no! Leonard, look at this!

Ketchup, pickle, relish,
salad cream, barbecue sauce.

That's just about everything that
can possibly take the taste away.

Where's Ben? Shopping with David.

Good, so it's safe. What's safe?
To talk. Not quite.

Jenny!What? I'm listening.God!

LOUD POP MUSIC STARTS
Good, she's doing her homework.

I said if she did it all week she
could see Drain. Spin. Whatever.

So? So? Where is it?
Where's what?

Mr Motorbike's number.
I told you, I threw it away.

But you got it out again.
But I threw it away again.

You got it out twice
and threw it away twice?

Yes. Aha! So you've still got it?

No, I threw it away twice
and got it out once.

Where did you train? The KGB?
I was at convent school, remember?

Sister Virtue was Heinrich Himmler
in a wimple.

If you did have it, what would
you do now? I don't have it!

I must get back and get changed.
I'll get your clothes.

I've met an air steward.
Aren't they gay?

Don't you believe it. Why are
the hostesses always smiling?

It's not just the oxygen masks that
drop automatically. Be careful.

I always am. If all goes well I may
get a free flight on Virgin.

I suppose miracles do happen.

Happy shopping. Yeah, I'll laugh
all the way to the toilet rolls.

Here we are. Charcoal, wood, fluid,
fork, tongs, and...close your eyes.

Buffalo Ben.
The Biggles of the Barbie.

Show her this. One full-size,
solid-steel, chromium-plated spit.

You can get anything on there.
Chicken, beef, venison, Pavarotti.

Where's the food? Food? The stuff
I prise off your shirts every week.

Well, you get that, don't you?
What were we having? Fish-fingers.

I suppose we could thread them on
to the spit! This is a barbecue.

I want huge chunks of bloody steak.
With veins in it.

The pixies don't leave it under
the rose-bush. Some in the freezer.

Oh, Ben, that's ages old.
No, it'll be all right.

If you can get it out,
you can cook it. David! Right.

David, get my stone chisel
and hammer.

You haven't forgotten this?
No, I'll open it later.

Not there! OK. Got firelighters,

or will you be blowing on the coals
during News At Ten?

I think you should know I've been
faking my charcoal blowing

for some time,
thanks to Lighter Fluid!

What? Just committing
your eyebrows to memory.

Here they are, Dad.
Right, here we go.

Be careful!
Oh, don't you worry.

FRANTIC HAMMERING
Ben!

Got it.
Well, put it on a plate!

There you go. Lovely bit of meat.
Bung it in the microwave to defrost.

This wouldn't defrost
if you bunged it in Chernobyl.

O, ye of little faith. I'll try.

We can burn these.
No, I'm saving those.

So it's all over to you, then?

Just you relax, my little treasure.
Leave it all up to us.

We could do with some salad
in a while. Right.

And some garlic bread.

And some chips. And fried onions.

It's nice to have a break
once in a while.

BEN HUMS CHEERFULLY

It's disgusting. No, it isn't.
I like it. It's chewy.

We'll probably get Mad Cow Disease.
Moooo!

Whenever you buy these, they cut
down acres of Brazilian rainforest.

I might've known it'd be my fault.
You don't care. I do!

I just can't stop them.

It's a complete waste of resources!
Like your bra.Mother!

He's talking about...
about THAT again.

David, all women
have small bras to begin with.

Her boyfriend says that.Mother!
Be quiet. Chew some more steak.

I'm not eating this any more.
I'm turning vegetarian.

Meat is good for you. More, anyone?

I've had enough.

Next time you go shopping, remember
not to buy any dead animals.

Shall I batter them to death in the
kitchen?I'm going upstairs.

You've got Mad Cow Disease.

Don't slam your door.

DOOR SLAMS

Finished. Can I watch TV?

What about your history project?
It's boring. Or the washing-up?

History.

All right? Er...yes.

My steak didn't look like that.

I don't like mine well done.
Where are the kids? Upstairs.

Madam's now a vegetarian.

I'll be spending a fortune
on beans and lentils.

Soon the ozone layer
will be blown away completely.

Is it too late to have them reared
by wolves? Bit tough on the wolves.

Right then. Not now, I'm eating.
You've got to open it sometime.

You know I hate these tax things.
You sent back your return? Yeah.

And you paid the last demand? Yes.
What is there to worry about? OK.

In a minute. Now!
I've got indigestion.

Now! You're getting too good.

What's it say? I'll deal with it.
Can I see it?

It's nothing. Don't fuss.

You've been called in to see
the Inspector of Taxes! Yes.

You haven't fiddled the figures?
No more than usual. Ben!

Everybody does it.
It'll be a routine check.

Try not to worry.
I'm not. Good.

Jenny, Dad's going to prison!

Excuse me. Do you mind if I take
this trolley?No, go ahead. Ta.

CAR ALARM STARTS

SEVERAL ALARMS WAIL

Good morning.

Thwwwrrrt!

He's put me on meats again.
I told him I wanted to go on cakes.

Everyone wants to go on cakes.
He won't put me on cakes.

Debra's on cakes.
She don't even like it.

She don't even do check-out.
What about fish?

I'd be better on cakes. You wouldn't
be better on Benzedrine.

12 ounces of ham, please.

Have you got your number, madam?
Yes.

I'm only serving 47.

There's nobody else here.
This isn't 47.

Well, it is now!
12 ounces of ham.

You don't get this on cakes.

Hey!

Call Security, quick!

Stop! Stop that man!

It's people like you
that put the prices up!

Would you come with me, madam?

There's nae tits in here.
There's one.

Teas, gentlemen.
Cheers, Pad.

How can you eat that rabbit food?
It's revolting.

Can you hear that noise?

What? I think it's the sound of your
arteries turning to Portland stone.

In 20 years, your varicose veins'll
look like an onyx table lighter.

It never hurt my da.
Leave it out, will ya?

You're no' worried about
the tax, are you? No!

They've never queried anything
in the past, have they?
They can go back years.

And they can demand interest.

Thank you, Claire Rayner
and Anna Raeburn!

They even tried to stop me
for all the improvements
on this place.

What improvements?
You'd be surprised. I would.

This was a right sleazy dive when
I took it over.

They're doing us
entrepreneurs out of business.

They'll haul you over the coals.
Don't let it worry you. I won't.

You won't have to pay too much. I'll
declare your wages.Bloody hell!

If you can't pay...
they can always seize your property.

I don't have any property.
Can we leave this subject, please?

Did you hear the one about
the Englishman, the Irishman
and the Scotsman...?

Yeah, I did.
Didn't understand it.

That's how they got
Al Capone in the end.

Tax evasion.

TV: # Everybody needs good
neighbours

# Just a friendly wave... #

Wait here, please.

Out!

Martha Christie, Store Detective.

Sounds like a show on Sky TV.

Don't try to make friends with me.
This is my job.

I suppose you were expecting a man.
Not particularly.

Hoping to talk to him about PMT
and hormones, were you?

I didn't know men had PMT.

This is a waste of time.
I've already called the police.

I've had them all up here.

Duchesses, JPs, and lots and lots
of bored housewives.

It's immaterial, really.

Theft is the same in any clothing.
I am NOT a thief.

Why do you think you can get away
with it? Doesn't matter.

We always prosecute.

I have all the proof I need
on video. Oh, yes?Yes.

Neither of us have time to waste.
Why don't we tie this up quickly?

Why not admit you were stealing
and save us all a lot of trouble?

You don't like being a woman,
do you?I beg your pardon?!

Don't be ashamed. You've got
hormones too, or do you keep them

at home in a biscuit tin?What?!

If you call me a thief once more,
I'll sue you for false arrest.

We'll see what the police say.

You haven't called them.
You seem very sure.

I am. The only evidence you have is
of Harold and Madge at Daphne's.

You've got such
an inferiority complex,

you want to parade about like
the demented warder from

Prisoner: Cell Block H!
The woman's a saint!

You might be able to terrorise
mousey housewives into confession,

but you know this is a mistake!

While you've been playing the great
detective, the real thief's

got away with a pile of steaks!

Now, shall I call a solicitor?

I'm sorry.
I've been rather tense lately.

Most probably PMT. You can get
some leaflets from your doctor's.

So you won't charge us?
Not this time.

Thank you.
Is there anything we can do?

Well, yes, there is, actually.

There's a girl on meats
with long, dark hair.Yes?

She's very good. The manager should
keep her there all the time.

ROAR OF MOTORBIKE

Thanks again.

This is terrible.
I quite like it.

It's not funny. It is!

That was funny.

Yeah. That was funny.

All right. There you are.
What did I do? Nothing.

It's how they got Al Capone
in the end, you know.

Situation comedy? Tax evasion.

If you'll admit you're worried
I won't think any less of you.

Remember those vows I made:

richer or poorer, thinner or fatter,
normal or paranoid.

OK. I am worried.
There. Don't you feel better?

No. Well, I do.

I'll look at the garden.

God, he must be worried.Mum...
You can help with the tea things.

You never ask David. Would you want
David touching your plate?

He's in training to be a man.
Have you washed my blue jumper? No.

You've had all day. Yes, but first
Bruce Willis appeared

stripped down to an edible G-string.
Tom Cruise and Rob Lowe wrestled

in a bath of Bailey's Irish Cream
to see who'd paint my toenails.

How hysterical.

Starting next week, you can tidy
your bedroom

including the twilight zone
where your brother resides.

Or maybe you'd like to carry back
enough shopping to give Hulk Hogan

a hernia.Can't Dad do it?

Jackie's mother has a woman in
to do her housework.

Jackie's mother
is a stuck-up bitch.Mother!

This is yours.

That looks...good.

Anyway, I don't suppose
you'll be going out with Spin now.

What's that supposed to mean?
He wears a leather jacket and boots.

Or are they made from lentils too?

I suppose you think you're being
really clever.

Well, either you mean
what you say or you don't.

This is what we do to vegetarians.
David!

That's mine! Right!
Food's ready.

Oh, I'm not hungry. I think I'll go
up to bed. Oh. I'll see you later.

Dad, will you help us
with me history project?

Not tonight, son. Your dad's tired.

David, go and wash your hands.

Jenny, what's happened
to those old newspapers?

Did you want them? I thought I did.
I was going to throw them away.

I didn't touch them. Ben didn't.
Mum, will you make some more glue?

Thank you.

Thought you'd be halfway to America
with Richard Branson in a basket.

Don't be snide, Bill.
It was very...interesting.

Oh? In an emergency they can lower
their undercarriage using a handle.

You don't say. Did you try it?
Didn't fancy him at all close-up.

Must be bred with tiny bums to fit
between the seats. Far too bony.

When he bent over it looked like
two cling peaches on a French flan.

But you did sleep with him?
Seemed wasteful not to.

Rona...? I know. What?

You've still got that note.
You've been looking shifty all day.

I haven't. Now you're looking like
you're trying not to look shifty.

You'd have got ten Hail Marys
by now. I don't know what to do.

Yes, you do. Throw it away.

I can't. Why not?

It's stuck to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

There's only one way to put a stop
to this. What are you doing?

I'm dialling it. Rona, do...don't!

It's ringing. No! Here.

Hello, I don't expect
you'll remember,

but you left your number in my van.

That's right.

Um...yes. What's the address?

OK, I will. Bye.

Well?

It's a customer. Saw the van parked
and wants Ben to fix his radiator.

Are you disappointed?
Relieved.

You didn't want it to be him,
did you? No. I love Ben too much.

It's just... I don't know...
What's it all about?

That's what we'd all like to know.

HIGH NOON MUSIC INTRO

# Do not forsake me,
oh, my darling

# On this our wedding day

# Do not forsake me,
oh, my darling

# Wait, wait along

# I do not know what fate awaits me

# I only know I must be brave

# And I must face the man
who hates me

# Or lie a coward

# A craven coward

# Or lie a coward

# In my grave

# Wait along

# Wait along. #

How did it go?

Well, how much? Nearly three.

300. That's not too bad.
3,000.

What?! Miscalculation on the last
three demands. Computer error.

We don't have that kind of money!

We do now.
It's a rebate from Her Majesty!

A rebate! Are you sure? Diana's
going to have to give back that
frock.

£3,000! £3,000.
55,000 francs. 500,000,000 lira.

We can get to Rio before the kids
can trace the plane tickets.

Hi, Mum. Too late!

Hey, Dad! Sumo! Ugh, ugh, ugh!
Ugh, ugh, ugh!

Hoyaaaaaaa! Quodaaaaa!
Do you have to make so much noise?!

Well, do I look all right?

Of course she can. You look great.
I don't know whether to take a bag.

Yeah, put it over your head.
Oh, please!

Scott'll be here any minute. Scott?!
Last week that was "totally nerdy".

Look, he might come in.
So, please, try to be at your best.

Don't worry.
We'll just be ourselves.

I'll wait outside.
Remember the rules.

Straight to the cinema.
Straight home. Back by 11.

Straight into the house.Oh, God!

And?No alcohol
and no sniffing glue.

Good.Mother, you're so '70s.

Bye, love. Have a good time.When?!

David, go upstairs and wash.
Again?!

I want to be see your face in
those towels. Hoyaaaaa! Hoyaaaaa!

There he is. I thought he usually
wore a leather jacket? He did.

Remember our first date? Yeah!

SHE GASPS