All language subtitles for you.me.her.s02e08.720p.hdtv.hevc.x265.rmteam

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Jack: I don't know how
other throuples do it

without one of them always feeling
like they were the odd human out.

Izzy: Did I hear that right?
You want to work this out?

Carmen: Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover

and find out the appropriate
attire for this cleansing ceremony?

You're looking for something.

Somewhere along the line,
we became, like, uncool.

Can I ask you what is in
this, because it is fantastic.

Shrooms and a dash of Ayahuasca.

So, scary Nina?

Andy: I know it's fast, but yeah.

Got to hold her real tight,
like a autism blanket.

Andy Cutler, he's a love junkie.

That... That's his shit?

That's his shit.

Dude's a serial monogamist.

My professional recommendation
would be surrogacy.

Do you think we're making a mistake

sending Izzy away every
time she's an inconvenience?

How do we explain her presence here?

I have an idea.

- You're our surrogate.
- As your surrogate,

why would I be living
in your guest room?

Because you're uneducated and poor.

If you tell Lori about this, ... I will

You'll break my legs? Eat my face?

So who made this
moment possible for you?

I'm not being an asshole.

Come the fuck on.

You don't actually believe
this was her first time.

I hear something.

It's Hal and Rita.

Oh, God.

[♪]

[Door opens]

Emma: Whatever you're
selling, we ain't buying.

- [Laughter]
- Hal: Is this the right place?

[Softly] Just laugh.

[Forced chuckling]

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

There is my little girl!

- Hi!
- Mm!

I'll take these. All right.

- Hi, Dad.
- Mm!

[Laughter]

Whoa, don't pull a vagina
muscle there, "Doctor."

Okay, you don't need
air quotes there now.

- I'm actually a doctor.
- Oh.

- It's a hard fact.
- Well.

Welcome to Oregon. Rita.

- Jack.
- Sir.

Bet you want to hug me, don't you?

- It's not necessarily.
- Wow.

Even straight men are
always loving each other

all over out here, am I right?

When in Portland.

[Grunts]

Ow. Okay.

- Geez.
- [Laughter]

Polite greeting turns
into an actionable assault.

An actionable assault?

This damn country and
its pansy-ass litigation,

am I right, Rita?

Practically never, sweetheart.

Who have we here?

New hot mom in the neighborhood?

Well, that's... that's the funny thing.

Hola. I am Izzy.

It's short for Isabelle.

- Hey.
- Mrs. Seaver, Mr. Seaver.

Ah. Okay.

But, seriously, who...

who are you to Emma and Jack?

Um, she is...

Jack: Well, uh...

I got this.

Izzy here is...

having our baby.

[♪]

♪ I've been waitin' ♪

- [Train bell dinging]
- ♪ For someone like you ♪

♪ To come and save me from
this place that I'm in ♪

Shaun: Table 12.

- Hey.
- Oh, dude.

[♪]

[Sighs]

[Grunts] What the fuck?!

Sorry. You startled me.

I'm... I got some
troubling news recently

that must've made me twitchy.

Purse.

I... I don't really know why
this came to me all of a sudden,

but you and me, we're not a thing.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Autism blanket.

No. Seems like you're
under the impression

that this can become more
than mutual masturbation,

so I'm just gonna end it right here.

[Clicks tongue] Bye-bye.

Oh, is your shift done?

[Door closes]

You.

No, bro. Man, come on.

I'm really working on
staying out of people's shit.

- Since when?
- Since, like... since...

You know, not yet, but it's
something I probably should start.

Just spill it.

Does the name Michelle
mean anything to you?

I got an ex-girlfriend, Michelle Flores.

Sure, sounds about right.

Key phrase... serial monogamist.

What the fuck does that mean?

Well, instead of ringing
up sexual conquests,

a serial monogamist has
way too many romances

on his or her résumé,

swiftly moving from one serious
relationship to the next.

Michelle said that about me?

Yeah, to Nina.

Hence, I'm fucked.

By having our baby,

Jack means that Izzy is our surrogate.

Neither of us are having
sex with her, though.

Well, certainly not both of us.

[Chuckles] 'Cause that would be obscene.

So, that means...

How's that work again?

It means I'm all loaded up
with her eggs and his semen.

We, that is Jack and I,

are trying to have a baby inside her.

Oh, my.

Hal.

They're saying we're finally
gonna have a grandchild.

Is that right?

Is that true?

- It'll really be Emma's baby?
- Mm-hmm.

A Seaver?

Well, technically.

Ooh!

I am so proud of you.

Also graduated at the top of my class,

designed a bunch of cool buildings,

and just made partner
at my firm, but, um...

thanks, Mom.

Come here, you.

Thanks to you,

- the Seaver name lives on.
- Oh.

[Sniffles] Jack.

- You're welcome.
- Technically, again,

it wouldn't be a Seaver
'cause we have a different...

This calls for some
real booze for a toast.

I just might have some on hand.

Oh, I'm so excited, I'm shaking.

This is really happening.

Emma: No, no, no, no,
no, it... it could happen.

But we could also
call you in a few weeks

and say it just didn't take.

Yeah, that's absolutely true, you know?

We wouldn't be surprised, and... and
you guys shouldn't be surprised either.

Neither of us should be
surprised if this doesn't work.

You know, we're just trying to
manage our expectations here.

You know, I read somewhere that

when you're this
particular kind of preggers

that many doctors recommend
two to five drinks a day.

I mean, it's science, right?

No, no doctor in the
history of forever said that.

You caught me.

Come on, I don't read.

Enjoy, everybody else.

Very cool. Super. Loving this.

Okay, so, here's to the

roughly one in five
chance that this will work.

Yeah, at best.

I think that's optimistic,
statistically speaking.

Cheers. Cheers.

[Glasses clink]

[♪]

Hey.

Enjoying your opioid trance?

Ava, my spawn.

I was just thinking about you.

Let's... Let's have
a little chitty chat.

Fucking awesome.

Do not say "fucking" right
up in my face, young lady.

Whatever.

You know what?

Say whatever you want. You're almost 17.

You are chemically inclined to provoke,

and I have to stop

making a federal fucking case out of it.

Where are you from, what do you want,

and how did you get
inside this hollow thing

that was once my mother?

I love you. You know that, right?

Come on, I have said
"I love you" before.

True, but let's contextualize, shall we?

Last night you literally dragged
me to the Trakarsky house,

your eyes blazing with the
fury of a thousand suns.

I shouldn't have done that.

I shouldn't have gone over there.

I stirred up shit
between those three again.

Keeping it between me and you,

that would have been the
un-assholey thing to do.

Ava... [Sighs]

Did you coax and cajole
Izzy into smoking with you

and promise you would
never ever tell anybody,

but then when you got
caught, blame it all on her?

Yeah.

That's better.

Thank you for being honest.

[Whispering] You're welcome.

And you're grounded for another month.

What? I thought we were having

some kind of "Aha" moment here.

- We are.
- So why?

Well, because you made a promise to Izzy

and then you broke that promise.

That makes you an asshole.

I'm grounding you for being an asshole,

because as stated, I love you.

[Sighs]

This is all very weird.

I know, but in a good way.

Mnh-mnh.

Mm-hmm.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Yeah.

It's amazing how much
of my cookbook works

in that RV's little kitchen.

Everything tastes better
when this girl makes it.

It's like she's got some
secret spice or something.

It's called love, Harold.

- Mm-hmm.
- Aww!

Emma, did I not give you
a copy of my cookbook?

I could swear I did several times.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

So, you wrote a cookbook?

That's so cool.

Uh, no offense, Mom,

but really just a scrapbook

of clippings from
magazines and newspapers.

Kinko's is her publisher.

[Chuckles]

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

Mnh-mnh.

I also have a few old family
recipes in there, as well.

Isabelle, maybe you'd like a copy.

Yeah, I would...

She hates being called that.

I kind of like the way that she says it.

Okay, you can stop blowing
my mom now, Isabelle.

Emma Christine Seaver!

Still not her name.

Okay, I get it, Mom.

I know what you're doing. I don't cook,

and I can't have babies the
normal way... I hear you.

Isabelle, I pulled
together everything healthy

I could find in these paper bags.

Thank you.

You know what, Rita?

My favorite thing that
you've ever whipped up

is that girl over there.

So gay.

She made this box a home for me.

First one of my whole life.

You grew up homeless like
that Justin Beaver kid?

How did we not know that?

[Laughs] Justin Beaver.

So good. Go on.

No, I mean, I... I had a house.

I grew up in a house, but not a home.

We don't all have to hold hands

and get queer over this, do we?

Dad.

So, Jack, anything
around this home of yours

you need a real man
to fix while I'm here?

You know what, Hal? I am an expert

at finding precisely
the right professional

for everything I need.

It's very true. I can
personally attest to that.

As a surrogate.

Of course as a surrogate.
What else would you mean?

No offense, but...

Oh, this should be good.

If you two had started working
on this at 24 like normal people,

you wouldn't need
professional assistance.

We hadn't even met then, so
we couldn't have started at 24.

No, you or somebody better.

Maybe a man who doesn't pull a hamstring

changing a lightbulb. [Chuckles]

That's an incredibly reductive

version of a highly complex incident.

[Stifled laughter]

Like, the ladder was extremely high

and winds were gusting that day.

- Fierce winds.
- I thought he was kidding.

That actually happened?

[Laughs]

Could've happened to anyone.

[Laughs]

That's not that funny.

Glad you all find my

lack of mundane masculine
acumen so amusing.

- [Laughter]
- "Masculine acumen"?

Who talks like that?

[Chuckles]

I'm not laughing. No.

Okay, after 100 years of marriage,

that still blinded me in one eye.

When did drugs become so scary?

When did they stop being kind and happy?

Yeah. You know, I'm thinking
maybe when we added a mortgage

and a couple needy
little humans to the mix.

We're grown-ups for
the rest of our lives.

Oh, my God, that's fucking terrifying.

Okay, so I'm just gonna...

help you.

Gonna put it... put it on.

Yeah, you don't have
to help me. That's fine.

Just... Just do what you're doing.

[Grunts]

Just gonna lift your leg through there.

That's good stuff. You can put it down.

Thank you. Okay.

Always wanted three kids.

There we go.

In you go, in you go, yeah.

There we go.

Okay, you ready?

Now underneath and bottoms up.

Yeah. That's awesome.

- Thank you, thank you.
- [Grunts]

All right. Wedgie.

- Good boy.
- [Grunts]

[Sighs]

Is this a sex thing?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay, good,

'cause it's weird and disturbing.

And we're just not.

Hmm.

We're suburban parents

living in the suburbs.

Who occasionally become redundant?

- What?
- Never mind.

The point is we're us.

We're Dave and Carmen.

We're exactly who we are.

- You know what?
- What?

I'm going to embrace the
predictability of chain restaurants

and the convenience of cargo shorts.

I'm going to wear cargo
shorts to Applebee's

and be completely actualized

We didn't sell out.

It wasn't an accident,

and we don't owe anybody an apology.

No. Fuck 'em, right?

Fuck 'em.

Whoever them are.

Whoever them is.

Whomever.

Whomever is them.

Well said, sweetie.

[Baby crying]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[Laughing] It's okay. I got it.

Okay.

Honey, will you hurry back, please?

Because I'm still
feeling pretty paranoid.

[♪]

♪ It's cold ♪

♪ A plain diamond ♪

[♪]

Ah. Fuck it.

♪ Nobody's here, just empty space ♪

[♪]

♪ It's all moving ♪

♪ Breathing ♪

[♪]

I'm looking for a Michelle.

She's got dull brown hair.

She's super plain.

She's kind of annoying and off-putting.

Hey, anybody? Michelle?

Totally not pulling off
scrubs as cute as I would,

that's for sure. Oh, come on, people.

I get that she's not exactly memorable.

[Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.]

Hey.

- [Woman speaking indistinctly]
- Wow, fuck dignity, right?

Uh [scoffs] well, "A," fuck you, and...

"B," I need your help.

Can you hear yourself being that stupid?

Ow, easy!

Your crazy girl strength is hurting me.

Tell me the truth. Did
Andy dump you real hard

so now you just run
around cock blocking him?

Just give it to me straight.
I'm not gonna tell anyone.

Already tried that, rando chick.

You can't handle the truth.

Try me again.

Dude, we dated for like four months.

It's not like he was the
love of my life, all right?

I'm not wearing a
locket full of his semen.

I was just trying to
help you out, you know?

Do the woman to woman thing.

What... What the hell is that, anyway?

The "woman to woman
thing"? We all lock vaginas

and morph into a giant
man-eating Transformer?

Okay, I'm still gonna do this,

but now it's just to rub reality

all over your stupid little face.

What? Hey, we don't need to

- drag anybody else...
- Jules, get over here.

What's up? Hey. I'm...

No, not "hey." She's dreadful.

What comes to mind when I
say the name Andy Cutler?

Oh. I get it.

You're the reigning
Miss Forever and Ever.

Has he swept you away
to Crystal Cove yet?

Crystal Cove?

He's got a line on a beach cabin.

Roaring fireplace,
crashing waves, et cetera.

If that dude's accumulated
one full day as a single man

in his adult life, I'd be surprised.

It's all about the beginnings.

Seduction, courtship.

That magic time before asking
for a 10-minute foot massage

becomes a prolonged negotiation.

When you stare deep
into each other's souls

and eat your way through
Twizzlers to each other's mouths

and make up embarrassingly cute names

and none of this makes you
want to vomit in his face.

Oh, oh, hey.

Has he said "I see you" yet?

You know, like with your
full name, whatever it is.

Nina Martone.

[As Andy] I see you, Nina Martone.

[Chuckles]

Hello? [Snapping fingers]

Still in there, crazy girl?

[Woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.]

We did a good thing here today.

Truth.

[Laughs]

- Hal: [Laughing] Whoa!
- Yahtzee!

Boo-yah, motherfuckers!

"Boo-yah, motherfuckers!" [Laughs]

Love it! You are a crack-up!

You love it? She's a crack-up?

I'm 30-whatever and I still
say "fudge" around you.

Come on, Em. Motherfudgers,
kind of gross,

- don't you think?
- Don't be jealous, pumpkin.

Yeah. You're one to talk.

What's that?

Well, Trakarsky here
said, "Don't be jealous,"

- and then...
- Let's dance.

I bet you can saw a carpet, huh, Hal?

He sure can.

You sure? I was hoping it was

a genetic defect of some kind.

Let's do this thing!

Yeah, let's... let's not.

Let's not do it.

Remember the doc... Yo!

The doctor said that Izzy
shouldn't be jumping around.

Nope. Never happened.

He or she never said that.

He or she?

How can you not know the
gender of your doctor?

Jack, do you remember?

Um, Dr. Well..er... stein saying that?

Jack.

He...

He...

Remember?

He... I do recall him saying that, yeah.

Some sort of dance restriction,

like in "Footloose."

And I just recalled
that you're a dick, so...

You know, you three seem so familiar.

Is it usual for a couple to
get so close to their surrogate?

You're the ones who
seem smitten with her.

♪ Well, I went closer
by the look in her eyes ♪

Um, oh, I just remembered, uh,

Dr. Wellerstein said Jack
has unusually fragile sperm,

so I'm supposed to move
as little as possible

or they could, you know, die.

Fragile sperm?

Jack has fragile sperm?

Yes, apparently that's a thing.

Okay, well, since I can't drink or dance

or make anyone like me,

I'm just gonna go ahead and take a nap

for the next nine months.

Thanks for making this
afternoon so much fun, Isabelle.

Dad, seriously?

This has been fun, I think.

More Yahtzee?

♪ Well, a heavy load ♪

♪ Covered up my soul ♪

[Telephone ringing]

[Voicemail clicks]

Izzy: You've reached Izzy's voice-mail.

Now text like everybody else.

[Beeps]

God damn it, Iz, answer
your fucking phone.

I want to hunt and slay and
doing it alone just screams

"My self-esteem issues,
your soundproof basement.

Let's do this thing."

- Okay, call me.
- [Cellphone beeps]

- [Knock on door]
- [Sighs]

♪ Once you had me, but
I'm not still down... ♪

Oh, let's, uh... let's
get some clothes on you.

Back it up, Twinkles.

Twinkles?

I'm not buying your shit anymore. No.

Which it turns out
you do have after all,

and it's some super fucking weird shit.

I'm not sure what Michelle told you...

Actually, it's Michelle

and Jules and Laynie

and Crystal fucking Cove.

Oh.

Yeah. "Oh."

Just how many hearts have
you carved into trees, you

freaky little love poodle?

I'm a romantic.

Well, guess what.

I see you, Andy Cutler.

Wait.

[♪]

[Knock on door]

Nina.

Nin.

[♪]

[Voice breaking] Keep walking, asshole.

[Sniffles]

So, on the off chance

we're thinking the same thing...

Go for it.

What if this whole

surrogacy ruse was real?

What if Izzy is our missing piece

in more ways than one?

[Sighs]

Apparently we weren't
thinking the same thing.

I was thinking about killing
a tub of caramel ice cream.

Shit.

- Um.
- Yeah.

Sorry. Never mind. [Chuckles]

I don't even know why...

'Cause you want a family.

'Cause I want a family?

Don't we want a family?

No, of course we do.

So does Izzy.

Right.

So, I mean,

imagine that's the three of us together

making a baby.

Nobody gets left out.

We're all a part of him or her, right?

What are you guys talking about?

Oh.

Something... Something serious?

- No. Not... Nothing serious.
- No.

Just, like, you know...

- Yahtzee.
- ... the day.

- Mundane stuff.
- Yeah.

You both are alarmingly weak liars,

so we'll just put a pin
in that and I'll go first.

[Sighs]

I used my humiliating time-out

to do some deep thinking,

and here's what I came to.

Like you said, this is your home.

Emma and Jack's home.

But it'll never be mine,

and it's not just because
of the poop candles

or being surrounded by your friends

who will always be secretly waiting

for me to pack up and move on

so you guys can go back
to the way things were.

What are you saying?

I'm... [Sighs]

I'm saying that I want
to live in our home.

Not yours.

Okay, now it's your turn.

And tell me what you were
actually talking about.

But fair warning, if you
guys break up with me again,

I'm gonna use those
shit candles of yours

to burn down this entire neighborhood.

[Laughs]

We want you to have our baby.

Like, our baby. All three of us.

For real.

What?

Are you okay?

Huh?

Sorry.

I think I blacked out a little.

He literally brought that up like
30 seconds before you came in.

I don't know how serious he is.

- How serious are you?
- I mean, what's the other option?

To bring in a fourth person
into our relationship?

You, me, her, and a baby vessel.

Are we talking, like,
a year from now or...

No.

I mean, 40's gonna happen
like that, you know,

and as long as we're laying
our cards on the table, Em,

I want children, plural.

I don't want to be one of those dads

that's breaking a hip playing Horse

with his youngest son in the driveway.

You sound serious.

I think I am.

[Sighs]

Feels like my heart is
gonna explode out of my body.

It kind of feels like...

like we're supposed to do this together.

- No?
- I know.

Yeah, but, um...

you're a grad student in your mid-20s,

and you've recently equated
the suburbs with human feces.

Well, there's no law
that says every child

has to be raised within
a half-mile of a Chili's

or a World Market.

Wait, so now we're
talking about having a baby

and putting the house on the market?

I mean, God, does no one
think we should just, like,

hit the brakes just a little?

Is there any chance
the two of you can save

all the chitty chatty
until [gasping] after...

Mom.

Oh, fudge me.

Mom, don't jump to any conclusions.

Okay, let's just agree
I've been sleepwalking here,

and I'm just gonna wander off

and do something sleepwalky
like pee in a corner or...

Did somebody call a meeting
and forget to... Ooh.

What's your baby mama
doing in bed with you?

I had a nightmare.

Jack: Yeah. Emotionally,
she's like an 8-year-old.

Physically, she's fine. I
mean, her reproductive system

is top notch, but...

Jack.

I'm done with the secrets.

Well, it's about time.

Mom, Dad.

I'm a conceptionally
challenged bisexual.

Boom. There. Are you happy now?

I like boys and girls,

specifically this girl and this boy.

That's right.

Yeah.

Um... actually, the three of us

were just talking
about starting a family.

I thought you already
were starting a family.

Keep up, Harold.

That was all a big scam.

What? Wait. What, they're not, uh...

They... Fuck!

Harold, are you...

Oh, Jesus. Ohh.

Dad? Dad?

[Groaning]

Breathe. Breathe.

- Look at me.
- [Telephone rings]

- [Beeps]
- Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Hello? Um, hi. I think...

I think I just gave my
father a heart attack.

♪ I thought I was livin'
life in the right lane ♪

♪ But honest to a fault was not enough ♪

♪ I owe you an explanation ♪

♪ For how I got myself into this rut ♪

♪ Scared the ceiling's too low ♪

♪ Can't stand up and run ♪

♪ Earthquake save me and
bring this building to dust ♪

♪ Baby, can't you see
me fallin', fallin'? ♪

♪ Going down despite your love ♪

♪ Baby, can't you see
me fallin', fallin'? ♪

♪ Sold my soul, and time is up ♪