All language subtitles for honky tonk freeway

We have no exit from
this freeway, Mr. Kirk!

How am I gonna sell
my gasoline?

We can't live
without tourists.

We'll just die, that's all!

Without an exit, we won't have
any business here.

A lot of stores are
gonna have to close.

Shh! I understand your irritation,
but our studies indicate

that the town of Ticlaw
does not qualify for an exit

based on our demographic
analyzation.

No!

-No, you're just too small!
-Too small?

Please, now come on.

There--there's---there is an exit
35 miles south, the town of Marshall.

But they'll get
all our tourists!

Now, now,
hey, hey, hey, look!

We can't give every little
piddly-ass town an exit!

Piddly-ass town?

Kirby, talk to that man!

Kirby, talk to him.

Now, Mr. Kirk has come all the way
down here from Tallahassee,

and I don't think we all
should be rude to the man.

However, I do think it's time
that Mr. Kirk and I had a little chat.

How about some lunch?

I have never liked dealing
with the government.

The only time you hear from them
is when they want to take something from ya

or do something to ya.

But this here hotel of mine has been
the focal point of this town since the Indians.

Of course, some of the guests seem
to have been here since the Indians, too.

But we've been making
all kinds of improvements

to attract some new tourists,
a younger crowd,

and this man here is trying
to keep them tourists from getting here.

Morning, James!

Great lion, mm.

He's got the runs right now,

but by the time we get our exit,
we expect him to be stable and healthy.

Anyway, we've got two more
coming, plus a rhino.

Oh, my, now there's an elephant.

That's Bubbles,
he's a genius.

It won't make a whole lot of difference
if no one comes to see her.

Well, it won't take a genius
to get people here, I don't think.

That's right. What it'll take
is an exit from your freeway.

How do we get it?

Take 10,000 trips under the table,
that's how you do it.

Ten thousand...

Ten thousand trips
under the table.

Payable in cold, hard, green,
laundered you-know-what.

You want it?

We want it.

All right, now...

Two, three, four, 75, 76 dollars.

Balloons!

Come and get your balloons!

Okay, let me take your money.

Throw a pie and save Ticlaw,
throw a pie!

Oh!

We have a great turnout, honey,
I think we're gonna make it.

Oh, yes!

All right, thank you!

-Thank you!
-Oh, it's wonderful!

Pancakes, pancakes,
get your pancakes!

Hundred and seventy dollars!

That makes it over...

That's over $10,000!

That one there is yours.

Looks like you got
your exit, Mr. Calo.

Yes, sir, we all got
what we wanted.

-God bless you, boy.
-Bye-bye.

Bye now.

-Forget you saw any of this.
-Saw what, Mr. Kirk?

Well, we all thought
that was that.

We had ourselves a real victory
for our piddly-ass town.

Andrew Jackson Freeway.

Kirk, what the hell is this?

You promised us an exit, and now
this damn freeway is opening.

Other three commissioners
voted "no“ on Ticlaw.

-I mean, who would've guessed?
-...a damn about the other three commissioners.

I gave you $10,000,
not the other three commissioners.

Now you see
my people over there?

Kirby, well, that thing
has got to come down.

We've got plenty more signs
where that one come from.

Now we're gonna make
a big stink right here.

-Oh, no.
-I'm talking to the governor.

Governor! Governor!

Well, what do you expect?

You lie down with dogs,
you get up with fleas.

But the point is, you get up
and you do something.

Now I knew at that very moment

tourists from all over America
were headed toward Florida,

and what we had to do was
to figure out how to get 'em into Ticlaw.

Come on, come on!

Move it, move it, move it!

Do we have to go
so fast, Sister?

Oh, Sister, we're going
much too fast.

Uh, we're only going
45 miles an hour.

Yes, but that's much too fast,
put on your brakes.

Oh, Sister,
if I put on my--

I am your superior.
Put on your brakes.

Oh, shit!

That's better.

I'm O.J., O.J. Simpson.

Number 32 coming through,
ha-ha-ha!

I'm O.J. Simpson. I've got to get me
a commercial and run through airports.

I'm O.J. Simpson, greatest football player
that ever lived, look at that!

I'm O.J. Simpson,
0.J. Simpson.

Why did we wear our uniforms?

-They'll know it was us.
-They'll never suspect it was real sanitation.

They'll think we stole
the uniforms.

Who would steal the uniform
of a sanitation?

-Next.
-People.

Crazy people.

Look around you.

You know, they cut off my welfare checks,
and I was going to Israel with that money.

Yeah, boy!

I'm sorry, I can't cash it for you.

-It's a government check.
-It's a state check,

and you only have eight dollars
in your checking acocunt.

It's bank policy.

Mm, I didn't know that
cantaloupes was in season.

Please, I don't want
to get caught.

-Who's gonna catch us?
-Okay!

The prison is unpleasant,
it's crowded, the food is no good.

Nobody cares.

Next!

I need this check cashed, please!

Next.

-She scares me.
-I'll handle it.

-Talk to an officer.
-I already talked to an officer.

He said he couldn't help me.

Then I can't help you either.

Excuse us.

-Checking or savings?
-Neither.

Then I can't help you,
go to the end of the line.

It's a robbery.

Oh, shit.

I need this today.

Shit this.

If you try anything funny,
I'll blow your ugly head right off.

-Eugene...
-Would you shut up?

I never seen you
become so abusive.

I'm robbing a bank,
I don't have to be nice.

Mary, what do I do
when I'm being robbed?

You give us the money,
that's what you do, beard face.

-Eugene!
-Would you shut up with that Eugene bit?

Give 'em the money. Next!

You would give them all your money,
and you won't cash a government check?

Dear, they have a gun.

Please, I talked
to an officer twice.

What's the problem, miss?

I don't know,
maybe you can help me.

I'm an actress, I'm on unemployment,
and they won't cash my unemployment check.

-You have any identification?
-Well, sure.

Here's my driver's license.

All right, I'll initial it.

But just this once.

-That doesn't mean anything.
-Eugene.

Cash the check, turkey tits.

-How would you like that, ma'am?
-In cash.

Come on, load it up, Miss Piggy.

Thank you so much.

I find you enormously attractive.

How would you like to accompany to us
to the sunny state of Florida?

Oh, gee, I'd really love to,
but I have an audition.

Sit on my face, bitch.

Greatest football player
that ever lived!

Okay, act like a garbage man.

-I'm O,J. Simpson!
-There he is!

-I'm O.J.!
-Okay, grab him!

-I've got him.
-Hey, get your hands off me!

Now what's your name?

That's not the right guy! Mary!

This is a lousy neighborhood.

I look like shit.

This don't feel good.

I look like shit.

Of course you look like shit,
you're dressed in a dirty sheet.

Ever seen yourself, you son of a bitch,
you ugly bastard?

Look in the mirror!

I got an idea.

Get some bags.

Get on the truck.

-We did it!
-All right! All right!

-We did it!
-All right, all right!

Oh, baby! What a job!

-Is that the right bag?
-Well, of course it's the right bag.

Well, are you sure
that's the right bag?

I'm positive!

-Eugene!
-You son of a bitch!

-All right!
-What's gonna be all right?

An empty fucking can
of garbage!

Yes!

We're rich, we're rich! Ha-ha!

My mom is pouring Cheerios,
hurrah, hurrah!

She's pouring on the oats
for us, hurrah, hurrah!

Tell us your story!

Read from the "munch-munch" part!

Okay, okay, okay. Wee!

Ricky, the Carniverous Pony,
by Duane Hansen.

"Once upon a time
in a faraway land,

there was this pony
and his name was Ricky."

Get to the "munch-munch" part!

Ooh, it's coming, it's coming.

"None of the children could ride him
no matter how hard...“

-Come on, boys, eat.
-Yeah, why not?

Because when a child reached
his hand up to Ricky...

Ahh, munch, munch!

With Ricky's powerful,
flat, yellow teeth!

And crunch, crunch, crunch!

Mm, the little boy was
entirely devoid of fingers. Wee!

-The bus is here.
-Wee, wee!

And the blood ran across
his blue limbs--

Duane, the bus is here.

Come on, guys,
the bus is here, let's go.

-Wee!
-Wee! Wee, wee, wee!

It's a great pleasure now
to introduce my next guest, Barbara Reese,

formerly Bob Reese,

a woman who underwent
a sex change, a sex operation.

Uh, mittens, boys!

-Welcome, Barbara.
-Thank you, Kelly.

How did your wife first react
to the news when you went to her

and you said to her,
"I want to be a woman"?

Well, she was not at all pleased.

Coming!

Munch, munch!

Be good while I'm away!

When did you first decide, Barbara,
that you wanted to be a woman, not a man?

Well, actually, I first decided when I was
a soldier during the Vietnam War.

Jimmy dropped his cap.

I believe it was during
the Tet Offensive.

-Oh, they left their mittens.
-Yes, Duane.

Well, did you manage
to keep your same job?

I did get my old job back, yes.

I do the same work
that I always did,

the only difference being
that I get paid less for it now.

-Is something burning?
-You have two children...

-It's your book.
-My book?

...by your longtime marriage.

How did they react...

No parent in their right mind
would buy a book for their child

called Ricky,
the Carniverous Pony.

Your stories are sick, Duane.

-My stories are funny, Char.
-I don't find them funny, and I don't find you funny.

See, they think that their father
is away on a job, and...

-Well, what do they call you?
-Auntie.

Huh? Oh.

Okay, I'm ready down here! Let's go!

All right, let her rip!

Go ahead, Bubbles!

-Are you sure about this?
-Let her go!

I'm telling ya, people will drive 35 miles
just to see a waterskiing elephant.

Come on!
The boat is stuck!

Ahh!

Oh, Lord!

-Oh, my stars, you're all wet!
-I know that, honey.

-Well, did Bubbles get up?
-Bubbles is not applying herself today.

-Did you get them in Utah?
-It's ringing, it's ringing.

Oh, let's get you dried off.

Morning, Mr. Calo!

Having a nice vacation,
are you, Ms. Barbutti?

-It goes by too quickly.
-Yes, it...

Hello!

Yes, I'd like to speak
to Mr. Damon Clark right now if--

-Mr. Calo?
-Yes, Mrs. Lewenowski.

There aren't any more
reservations today.

Should I let
some of the girls go?

No, no, uh,
stand by your stations.

Someone will show up.

Hello, this Safari Parks Utah?

Listen, son, are the lions
and the rhino on their way?

They're on the truck?

You sure now?

Good. Say, tell me something, son.

We're gonna have to keep that rhino
in the garage for a couple of weeks.

Will that be okay?

Ah, shit.

Get him at the other--get him up
to the other end!

Now don't be afraid of him!

When you're out there
on the road,

and you feel you could explode.

Ch-ch-ch-ch.

And you doo-doo-doo.

Doo-doo-doo, ah!

When you're out there on the road,
and your truck's become your home.

You're holding back
your feeling--dreams.

Dreams.

We're almost ready.

-Just a few more seconds, I think.
-Mm-hm.

He's very close to the ramp.

Go back the other way!

The damndest thing.

He likes the snow.

Hey, tell me if you like this, okay?

When you're out there on your own,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

And you're holding back
your doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

-You like that one?
-Yeah, it's okay.

Uh, the words aren't too good.

Oh, these ain't the words.
I put the words in later.

Oh, then it's very good.

I mean, for a song without words
written by a truck driver, it's excellent.

Hey, I'm not a truck driver.

I'm a songwriter.

That's okay.

-Rhino is loaded!
-The rhino is loaded?

Duh-duh-duh,
the rhino is loaded.

The rhino is loaded.

And he's holding back his feeling.

Everybody, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Keep on singing!

Doo! Everybody's going faster, faster.

Everybody's going faster, faster.

Doo-doo-doo!

-Hey, Carmen!
-Hey.

Are you gonna be
at Oliver's Tap again tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm on vacation.

Oh! Good for you.

Shoot, I want to take you out.
I got a new car!

This sure is a lot of money
you're pulling out, Carmen.

Three hundred, four hundred,
five hundred...

Hey, you ought to see
the inside of my car.

It's all tufted velour.

You know?

Thousand, 1,500,
2,500, 3,500.

Well, that just about
closes you out, Carmen.

-You better be careful with all that.
-Oh, I will.

Have a good vacation.

Yes? May we help you?

Lolita Shelby, please.

The final remains of Lolita Shelby may be
viewed in pass-through number three.

Hey, is that you, Danny Corbett?

Yes. Yes, it is! Who is this?

It's Carmen Odessa Shelby.

-Remember me?
-Carmen Shelby?

Sure, I remember you and me
in the back seat of my car and we'd--oh.

Oh, I'm sorry
about your mama.

Real sorry.

Um, where did you say
she was again?

Pass-through number three.

Would you like to take your mama
with you or have her sent?

I'll take her.

Hey, what time is it?

3:30!

You know, you're very cute!

Oh, you're both very cute.

Bye!

Woody.

Sherm, wait for me.

Carol, your nose is powdered, your lipstick is on,
your hair is combed, you look fine.

Come on, let's have lunch.

Sherm, I'm not drunk.

Oh, God.

It's just a little accident.

It's just a little accident.

-Do you have to booze it up, Carol?
-A mixed drink is not booze, Sherman,

it's a cocktail,
a before-dinner drink.

But dinner isn't
for five hours yet.

Oh, yeah, but what you're forgetting,
Sherm, is that time is relative.

-To what, Carol? Life?
-No, Sherm, me.

Time is relative to me.

Einstein was wrong.

-Terrific car.
-Yeah.

Hey, and terrific stuff, too.

Let's take the car
and the stuff.

No, that's wrong, we're not
gonna take the stuff.

What, are you crazy?

-Come on.
-No.

You got to be nuts.

Will you try it
for a few weeks?

Sherm, I'm not an alcoholic.

Your mother was an alcoholic.

-Where did she do her drinking?
-Alone.

You see?
Now, am I alone?

And did she hide her bottle in the Rice Krispies,
and the laundry hamper, and shoeboxes?

Now these are symptoms
of the alcoholic.

Classic symptoms.

Do I have any
of these symptoms?

No, you don't.

Can I get you anything to drink?

I'll have five old fashioneds.

Coke for me.

Do you realize, Sherman, I have never
purchased a bottle of liquor in my life?

-Oh, I know that.
-So how could I be an alcoholic

if I've never purchased
a bottle of liquor?

Carol, you're having
five old fashioneds for lunch.

-That is an alcoholic.
-I'm hungry.

Besides, these are mixed drinks.

Do you know an alcoholic anywhere
who only drinks mixed drinks?

The other four
will be here right away.

No hurry.

This place is so cute.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Didn't your ad agency
name the swizzle stick, Sherm?

No, Weaver, O'Leary, and Mudge
named the swizzle stick, 1924.

You notice how I never suck
my orange slice?

That's a sure sign
of an alcoholic.

Just go to one meeting,
Carol, try it.

-Please.
-No.

Someone is stealing
our car, Sherm.

What? You're already
mumbling, Carol.

It's only 1:30
and you're mumbling.

Why would they steal the car
and leave the luggage?

-Just try it for a few weeks.
-It looks like our car.

Carol, if you pass out with your head
against the window while I'm driving,

I'm just gonna pull over
onto the shoulder, I swear it.

It's too lonely
driving like that.

Sherm, will you please look?

Oh, lookit here.

Ah.

Honey, could you pour me
another cup of coffee?

Caffeine.

Caffeine.

Yeah, thanks.

-Oh, isn't this beautiful?
-Mm-hm.

This is Monument Valley, kids.

Delia, Little Billy,
look at Monument Valley.

-I'm a doctor.
-I know that.

Kids, you know this is where our forefathers
carved their way through the wilderness?

All by themselves.

Mommy, I have to go potty.

Oh, crud, euphemisms.

We're looking for a place,
we're gonna stop soon, pumpkin.

We are not going to stop
until we're in New Mexico.

Little Billy, you can use
the RV bathroom.

He does not like to use
the bathroom in the RV.

But hurry! Mommy,
I have to go tinkle!

He has to go tinkle.

Crud, why can't you
just call it what it is?

-Delia.
-Say, "I have to urinate."

-Delia.
-Say, "I have to piss.“

Say, "I have to let go
with the yellow flow."

-Delia! Put that down.
-Little Billy, now you can use the RV bathroom.

It's got one, that's why
we bought the N25 unit.

Just go back there
and use it like a man.

-No!
-He doesn't like the RV bathroom.

He likes to pee in gas stations,
he's a freak.

It's just a phase.

Do you know how many root canals
I did to pay for this damn thing?

Ninety-six.

I bought it so we could
all be together.

So far, nobody has eaten in it,
nobody has slept in it,

so he can damn well pee in it.

You know something?
I've just about had it with all of you.

Next summer, they can go off to summer camp,
and you and I will take our vacation, okay?

You can go where you want to go,
and I will go somewhere else.

Now a number of you people have been
coming up to me and saying that this town is failing,

but I think God wants us
to be successful.

-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!

Hallelujah for Ticlaw!

Hallelujah for Ticlaw!

But He's testing you.

Yes, He is.

The Lord said, "What you give unto Me
I will return unto you tenfold."

Well, one of our brothers
is sitting right here amongst us

on his income tax
only reported fivefold,

and the government
didn't like that.

But he had faith, a loving wife,
and a great accountant.

Praise God for our brother.

Praise God!

We are all, each and every
one of us, being tested.

Now one of the loveliest creatures
in our congregation came to me, and she said,

"Reverend, I am hooked
on Valium."

Yes, she did!

"I cannot even go to the 7-Eleven store
without taking three Valium," she said.

"I'm afraid," she said, "I'm afraid
that one night while I am serving dinner

I will trip and fall into
the shag carpet and disappear,

never to come up again."

I said, "Woman, you get up,"

and she did get up,
found faith, and she found God.

-Praise God!
-And she threw away her Valium!

Yes, she did.

We are all being tested,
each and every one of us.

The Lord said to me,
"Build a safari park in Ticlaw."

Then they came along and built
their super highway right next to us.

-That's right.
-He didn't say nothing about no exit,

but that is our test,
how to get them here with no exit.

So we're gonna try everything
and anything, and I mean anything!

And we are gonna rise up
to this challenge, yes, we are.

We are gonna soar like eagles
if we stick together,

if we stand up and sing together
because we have faith.

Oh, Ticlaw, Ticlaw.

Wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven.

Ticlaw, Ticlaw.

Wonderful, beautiful town.

Oh, Ticlaw, Ticlaw.

Wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven.

Ticlaw, Ticlaw.

Wonderful, beautiful town.

Kirby, I think this is crazy, man.

Look, people are starting' to complain,
and I really feel that it's illegal.

This is not illegal, and we're desperate!

This is a resort town.

We gotta get our tourists here.

Yeah, but I'm the sheriff of this town, man.

I'm the mayor!

I'm the minister of the Ticlaw Baptist Church!

I'm the President of the Rotary and the Elks,

and I have two lions and a rhinoceros

-coming here.
-And I warned you about that.

I told you that's a dumb idea, that safari park.

Don't be afraid to pour it on there, R.G.

There are too many safari parks in Florida.

This place is starting to look like Africa,
and the next thing you'll want me to do is

walk around with a spear
and a bone through my nose!

Now that ain't a bad idea!

-Oh, no.
-Why don't you come on and join us,

-and help us, and give us a hand?
-Uh-uh, no.

Do it for me as a favor.

Man, I don't know.

Well, then do it for private enterprise.

Do it for the little guy for Christ's sakes.

I don't know, Kirby.

Okay, all clear now,
come on, let's go!

Come on!

Come on now, honey bubbles,

you take another donut and pull.

Pull.

Pull, that's it.

One more now.

-All right.
-Oh, that's beautiful!

Hooray for y'all!

Could I, uh--excuse me,
could I have more coffee, please?

Eggs up!

Bitch.

Mary Lou, I got your hash on five!

I need open-face burgers!

Thanks.

Thank you.

Yeah.

-This waitress is--
-Hey, are you a--

No, you go on.

Nothing, I was just gonna say that
these waitresses are impossible.

-Yeah?
-They don't care!

It's kinda late and all.

Oh, what's your name?

Duane Hansen.

I'm Carmen Odessa Shelby.

Are you a writer or something, or what?

No.

No, uh...

What do you do?

I'm a waitress.

Oh, oh, oh.

You makin' fun of me now, or what?

No, I bet you're a good waitress.

What, um...

what's in that thing there,
is it pebbles, uh, seashells, what?

Actually, it's my mother.

What?

Well, she wanted to be cremated.

She was real dramatic and she said,

"When I'm gone, burn me up."

So, I did.

Hey, what's your name again?

Duane.

Mama, this is Duane.

Duane, this is my mama,

Lolita Shelby.

It's kinda hard to believe there's
a 250 pound woman in there with

dirty hair and a double chin, now isn't it?

Yeah, kinda.

Got grits and eggs combo up here!

My mama wore wigs.

For the past three days,
I've been throwin' out wigs,

wigs, more wigs.

Did you say eggs up, or eggs over?

Anyway, uh, what do you do?

I repair copy machines.

Hey, that's difficult.

Can't get just anybody to do that.

You got a skill.

You wouldn't wanna
go have a drink or something?

-Drink or something?
-Yeah.

Well, gosh.

I don't know, it's, it's late.

Yeah, it's late.

So, uh...

-Do you live alone, or what?
-I live with my--

I'm sorry about your mother.

Yeah, we were friends.

She was a waitress too.

We were gonna go on vacation together.

So that's why I say you just gotta live day by day.

The future--

I talk too much.

Nobody wants to hear,
everybody thinks I'm crazy.

Well, we're all crazy.

Right?

So, hey, what's your sign?

Look at those women,
look at those men

blowin' their lives away

hopin' Lady Luck will get them down

this honky tonky freeway.

There's, there's a rhino Lucy.

Oh, she loves that juicy.

She hits the nearest bar,
then waves to every car.

She's got nothin' else to do.

Everybody's goin' faster and faster.

Everybody's goin' faster and faster.

They don't give a damn.

They don't wanna stay--

Mm!

Oh, it's kinking up on me again, oh!

I know what's wrong with you.

-No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.

-You don't know.
-I do know.

-You don't!
-I do.

Honey, would you just relax?

I'm relaxed.

Are we there yet?

Almost, sweetheart.

When will we be there?

Soon.

Little Billy.

What?

Freak!

I'm gonna try it again.

I can't stand this.

I can't stand it.

They can take away my job,
they can take away our house

and make us live in a condominium
with a bunch of old farts,

but they cannot take away my car!

Gimme back my car, you bastards!

-Gimme back, gimme back my car!
-Sherman Schaffler, get back in this car,

and get control of your life!

I have never seen you like this.

I liked that car.

-It was my prize.
-I know, it was an honor.

-Best ad man 1956, '57, '58--
-1954, '55, '56, Carol.

Will you get my career straight just for once?

Where's the tow truck?

He's not coming.

They're not even gonna let us
die in Florida playing shuffleboard.

-It's gonna be right here tonight, Carol.
-Don't be morbid, the truck will come.

I can see my New York Times obituary right now,

"Sherman Schaffler sneezed himself to death

in a rented car by the side of the road
with his alcoholic wife."

Oh, I--I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I know.

Well, I'm going to walk
to the nearest gas station.

I'll go with you, we're in this together.

Hi, what seems to be the problem?

The damn thing won't start,
that's the problem.

Damn thing won't start.

You got gasoline in it?

Of course there's gas in it,
it just won't start.

Eh, that'll be $45.

Twenty, forty, forty-five.

-Son of a bitch.
-Have a good day.

Slide through, Carol.

Would you like to go for a cocktail?

Oh, well, if you want one.

Would you believe it? Husbands send
in naked pictures of their wives

with little comments for $50!

Who would do a thing like that?

Why do you sneeze every time
you look at a naked woman?

-I got a cold!
-Cold, huh?

You sure it's not an allergy, huh?

Listen to this.

Annie Jo Wheeler,

a social worker, into needlepoint,

stock cars, charity work,

and group sex.

Who the hell are these people?

You know what? I think you sneeze
every time you get excited.

Don't be silly!

-Where you goin'?
-I'm givin' this kid a ride.

Why?

It's cold, it's wet, he's a kid!

It could be a cop,
he's gonna have to sit next to our money.

So, you're a student?

Yeah!

Yeah, I am, yeah.

What's so funny about that,
I see nothing funny

-in that question.
-Nothin', I'm sorry.

Like, I'm wrecked, you know.

Man, I can't hitch on these freeways
unless I'm just completely wrecked.

You know what I mean, man.

A lot of these weirdos pick you up.

-And vicey versey.
-Yeah!

So what do you guys got in the bag here, huh?

Money?

You're brilliant, you know that?

Hey, you guys cool?

Relatively.

Drivin' on cocaine.

It makes the road go faster.

It makes everything seem very, very clear.

Hey, you guys wanna pull over
to the side of the road somewhere,

do a little cocaine, huh?

I don't think so.

No, Eugene, would you like to snort
some coke by the side of the road?

Gene?

I'm fine for now, thanks.

Yup.

Goin' down to the Super Bowl,
gonna sell cocaine.

Workin' my way through college sellin' dope.

That's very industrious.

Shut up and slow down!

Wow, man, I love these green signs,
man, you could be any place.

Oregon, Illinois, Michigan,

New Mexico, New Jersey,

-New York...
-Yes, yes, we get the idea

-anywhere.
-...New Amsterdam, New England,

New Delhi,

New Orleans.

-You're certainly in a nasty humor.
-Shut up and slow down!

Paging Mr. Samuels,

paging Mr. David Samuels.

Could you please pick up
the purple courtesy phone?

-Pretty, huh?
-She's gorgeous.

Yeah, I'm her manager.

-What kind of a manager?
-A personal manager.

-Oh, yeah?
-You wanna get lucky?

Yeah!

-Just wait here.
-Paging Mr. David Samuels.

Could you please pick up
the courtesy phone!

Come on, guys, we're all goin' up to Wally's room!

-What room's he in?
-To 307!

I have a reservation, I have a reservation.

Ma'am, our computer shows no record of that,

and we are booked up
so we have no room for you, I am sorry.

You have no room for us?

I cannot believe this is happening.

I cannot believe this is happening to us!

Well, it happened to Joseph and Mary,
and that turned out okay.

Wait, wait, what is your last name?

I have no last name!

Just for the computer, what is your last name?

-Christ.
-Excuse me?

Well, technically,
since we're all brides of Christ, our last--

-Sorry.
-Well, I have a Claire,

-a Clinton, a Clarise--
-Oh, that's me, that's me, Sister Clarise!

Well, ma'am, it simply says Am Clarise.

-It does not say Sister Clarise.
-Yeah, so that's me, that's me.

Do you have a driver's license?

Sh--She doesn't drive.

We've had a lot of people
stealing television sets lately,

so we're cracking' down security wise.

Do you have a major credit card?

We are nuns!

Look, honey, I don't care what you are.

I have a corporation breathing down my back.

We don't have credit cards.

We'll pay in cash.

That causes a lot of problems for me,
but all right.

All right.

You'll be in room 219.

That's in the purple cluster.

Here's your computer card,
you'll use these instead of keys.

Kevin!

Kevin will show you the purple cluster.

Have a nice day!

Hi, I'm Kevin.

I'll be showing you to your room.

God bless you.

You can't fool me.

You're crazy, but I like you.

I'm crazy too!

Always losin' my money.

-I suppose you'll think that's naughty.
-Sister!

Coming, sister.

Ready, girls?

Let's run for it!

Is this the only way to get there?

Yes, ma'am.

Listen, I'm tellin' ya,
they're gonna come back.

They're gonna get off
down there at the next exit.

-They're gonna come all the way back to here.
-Kirby, if these signs are illegal--

Doesn't matter!

-This'll be a beautiful day for Ticlaw.
-Oh, look, they're slowin' down, look!

I think the signs are gonna work.

Ticlaw!

Ticlaw!

Oh, Carmen.

All my life I've been waiting
for someone like you.

I'm overweight.

I don't care.

Did you know that Jupiter
is the largest planet in our solar system?

Look!

I always sit in this booth.

It's the same no matter
what state you're in, what city.

This booth remains the same.

The International House of Pancakes
is the one consistent thing in my life.

Try 2-3-7-5.

Son of a bitch!

Try 9-1-6-4.

Stupid technology!

-I don't believe it.
-Here, here, let me try.

At least we got the trunk.

-Mm-hmm, yeah, let's take the Chevy.
-All right.

Carmen, I'll go with you.

I'll help you spread your mother
around Miami Beach, how's that?

Oh, I don't know, Duane.

See, that's why I mean about my mama.

She just loved messin' up everybody's life.

Now if I sprinkle her around
down there on that beach,

big wind will come up,
and blow her all over all those people.

You know, they got sun tan oil on 'em,
then they gotta wash my mama off of 'em.

Someone they never even knew.

See, she'll be affecting 'em,
and they'll never even know.

I love you.

Oh, Duane.

You don't even know me.

I've slept with over 300 men.

Everyone has their faults.

Three hundred men in Paducah, Kentucky?

Duane, it wasn't easy.

It's an accomplishment.

No, Duane.

It's a problem.

It's a real problem.

I'm like

Ricky the carnivorous pony
in respect to men.

I love you.

I need you,

and I wanna make you happy, that's all.

Oh, I don't know if that's
what I really want out of life.

Oh, boy, Eddie, you really
picked a winner for me last night.

-Why, what?
-You really did.

I mean, this guy gets me into his room
and opens up his briefcase

and pulls out a dog collar!

I knew I was in trouble.

I mean, then he has me sitting in the corner
on a newspaper barking,

and then he goes over to the sofa
and he slaps his thigh twice, and he goes--

I can't believe you took Master charge.

-I don't know how I'm gonna collect that.
-So then I go over to the sofa,

and I sit down,
and he slaps me across the face,

and he knocks me down in the floor,
and he goes, "Bad dog!

You know you're not supposed
to be up on the sofa, you bad dog!"

-It's not funny, Eddie.
-Okay.

I was ready to call the ASPCA on the guy!

-I'm not doing the doggy bit ever again!
-Now come on.

It's a lot better than that,
that Nazi bit you did in Vegas.

So what's a little barking?

You know, I could have taken along
any of the other girls,

and they're a lot less trouble than you,
but who did I take?

-I took you because I want you with me.
-But you weren't even in the room

-when I got back.
-Hey, I'm here, baby.

I'm right here.

I'm not doing this anymore, Eddie.

No, you're gonna do what I tell you,

or you're gonna end up back in
that supermarket where I found you.

What's this? Don't you have anything smaller?

Hey, hey!

Hey!

This will only take a minute.

Well, you got five shirts already.

They come in tan or coffee.

I think they're both very nice,
but I'm not sure, I'll come back.

-Oh, thank you.
-Mm-hmm!

Could I help you?

Just lookin'.

Honestly.

How does this look?

-Could I help you?
-Beautiful!

Does it make my ass look big?

No, your ass looks fine.

-Hey, howdy, Kirby, nice goin'!
-It's all right!

Atta boy, Kirby, atta boy!

What do ya say, Benjie boy?

Hey, Elmer, look a pink town!

Keep it movin'!

Free gas on your left!

Ticlaw Inn and Safari Park straight ahead!

Now keep it movin' there, lady.

-Keep on movin'.
-Oh, my God.

Free gas, plenty of free gas
right here on your left!

Thank you, keep movin, free gas on your left!

Ticlaw Inn and Safari Park straight ahead.

Free restaurant, free parking, gasoline!

Come and get your free gasoline!

-Jesus, we gotta stop that!
-Free gas right over here on your left, ma'am.

This time it's gonna work.

I don't think she likes this.

Don't worry.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about to see a first!

Kirby! Kirby!

Mr. Kirk, you got here just in time.

You can have a chorus line
of water skiing elephants,

but you can't take the law
into your own hands.

-Now?
-In just a sec.

Those billboards have gotta come down,
they're illegal.

The oil companies won't tolerate you
givin' away free gasoline!

Well, you can stick the oil companies
where the sun don't shine.

Yeah!

You'll pay for this.

We already have.

And I think you can go now!

Go, now!

Kirby, you're gonna be killed,

-what's the matter with you?
-This thing!

This thing is gonna drive us off

-the face of the Earth.
-Honey, we'll figure a way!

-We all will live!
-I must be crazy

to have pinned our future on a pink town,

a half-assed safari park,
and a damn bitch elephant

who can't even water ski!

What you are is drunk and about
to be splatter all over the freeway.

Now come on!

If she'd get up

just once, they'd come.

Hell, I would, I'm dying of curiosity.

Honey.

You'll do it.

You'll do it.

Who gets the hamburgers?

-Who gets the fries?
-The lion gets the burgers,

the rhino gets the fries.

This'll only take a minute.

-Hey, I'm in no hurry.

They'll eat this stuff?

They ain't got much of a choice, do they?

Hey, whoa!

Fuck, whoa!

-Do I look okay?
-You look fine.

-Does my ass look big?
-Your ass looks small.

-Do I smell good?
-You smell fine!

Now what is it with you,
these are hookers not debutantes!

Hey, could I ask one thing?

Could we both try to finish our endeavors
at roughly the same time?

-It's so I don't have to wait around like last time.
-Absolutely.

I just don't wanna be kept waiting, okay?

While your pig is marinating,

prepare a glorious stuffing

using one fresh diced pineapple,

one ounce guava paste,

one pound of chopped macadamia nuts,

three large onions, chopped,

one pound of diced ham,

three ounces coconut cream,

and 20 kumquats.

Mix all of these ingredients together
in a large mixing bowl and reserve.

Hi, I'm sorry about last night.

It'll never happen again, I promise.

Please forgive me!

-You kept me waiting all night long.
-I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, please, please forgive me,

-pretty please with sugar--
-All right, all right, you're forgiven.

Okay.

Just let me tell you about the last one.

The last one was the best.

Look, it's not that I have
anything against hookers.

I just like a nice, clean virgin that's all.

Will you hurry?

What are you doing in there?

-Coming, sister!
-Are you all right?

Yes, sister.

So, don't miss it.

Visit Eli's Hardware this week only.

Super sale on super power tools at Eli's,

and when you go in, be sure and tell them
Toby Newmeyer sent you.

Speakin' of bargains,

Fern's on the Highway,
Carlisle's favorite eatery,

offers egg dishes cooked the way you like 'em.

Sister, are you all right in there?

-Yes, sister!
-Well, hurry up then.

All ready.

I'm going to have to tell
the new mother superior about you.

I'm tired of your nonsense.

-Where's the car?
-It's right--

Well, where?

Oh, shit.

It appears, sister,
that you've lost our car.

I didn't lose the car,

-I put it right there.
-You put our luggage right there.

Did you leave the keys in the car?

Uh, no, they're here somewhere.

-Ugh, this damn robe.
-What did you say?

Oh, uh, my vestments.

-I haven't gotten used to my vestments yet.
-It's habits, habits,

how many times do I have to tell you,
you really are hopeless.

Will you pick up your suitcase,
we're going to walk.

-Walk?
-Yes.

-To Miami Beach?
-Yes.

Maybe we'll get a ride.

God said I will provide for you in abundance.

Well, we need an exit,

and I'm here to tell ya

that everything is possible
for the righteous.

-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!

The Israelites, they had their backs up
against the Red Sea

with the Egyptians comin' directly at 'em.

Did they give up? No, they had faith in God,

and he parted the Red Sea,
and the Israelites had their exit,

and we're gonna get ours

no matter what we have to do!

And we're gonna have people here, we will!

And when we get 'em here,
what are we gonna show 'em?

We're gonna show 'em a real good time.

Now let me hear you say it,
we're gonna show 'em

-a real good time.
-A real good time!

A real good time!

A real good time!

A real good time!

-Look at the water, it's so blue!

This is it, Mama!

Mama, we made it, Mama!

Carol, fasten your seatbelt!

Put the seatbelt on right now.

Come on.

Hey, Sister!

Hamburger... hamburger.

-And a fish burger.
-Fish burger!

And then Mary reached out her hand
and Ricky went, "Wee! Wee!"

And kissed.

We're building a new dispensary
for our children,

and what we're asking everybody
to donate is $10.

Sounds like a good idea,
I could write you a check.

Oh, that's very kind of you!

I can go out later, that's terrific.

Hey, you got something on your nose.

How much is this?

-I heard $125.
-Not bad.

-Miss?
-That ain't my station.

Well, will you try to find some--

Madam, madam, can--

It's well done.

Grace, would you go back to your station?

I'm coming. I'm coming!

What for you?

-Well, I know what I want.
-What?

A Clams Casino and you, baby.

-Can I take your order?
-Yeah, you can take my order.

I'd like to start with the lobster bisque.

Grace.

You're kinda lonely, aren't you?

Eddie, please.

-Kinda.
-I can cure that.

Hey, I'm in love with a guy.

Oh, well, of course you are.

-But does he make you happy?
-Eddie!

Here's my question:
Are you unhappy in your present job?

You sound like a commercial
on television at 2 A.M.

You know, she's right, Eddie!

-You do, sort of!
-Yes, of course she's right,

but you see, what I'm selling,
they don't offer on TV.

I'm not talking about
a truck driver's course

or some sort of slicer-dicer
in the kitchen, Grace.

Oh, yeah? Well, what are you talking about?

Grace, what I'm selling,
and this is a one-time offer,

is the opportunity for you to get out of here
and make some real money.

You ever been to New York?

-No.
-Think about it, Grace.

When you deliver that next fish burger,
ask yourself,

"Is this what I want out of life?"

And then consider my offer,
because this offer expires with dessert.

Well, I think I'd better get back to my station.

I'm sitting up front, Eddie.

I'm sitting up front.

Okay, then, who gets the crabs?

Honey, we all do sooner or later.

Cheeseburgers.

All right, we've got a fillet of sole here.

Filet of sole is across there.

Hi.

-Oh, hi.
-Greetings and salutations.

Couldn't help but notice you looking at me
from across the room over there.

What sign are you?

Libra.

I was wondering if maybe you could
possibly help me out with a ride, perchance?

Hi.

-Hi.
-Am I interrupting something?

No, no.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Spanky.

Spanky is the name, cocaine is the game.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

I was just talking to your pretty little wife here.

Who is this guy?

He's a Libra.

He says he needs a ride, Duane.

You didn't offer him one?

-No.
-Is he bothering you?

-No, he's okay.
-He doesn't look okay to me.

Hey, what is this?

Hey, something new?

That's my mother!

You're shitting me.

I'm sorry.

Miss!

You are not the only person
in the world, you know.

Hey, look who's here, Eugene!

-Thanks, Gene.
-Eugene.

I don't know what this country is coming to
when they'll steal a nun's car.

Well, it's been a very
nerve-wrecking experience.

I'm afraid Sister Mary Magdalene
doesn't drive well.

I drive fine.

You look like a penguin.

I don't look like a penguin.

-You look like a crow.
-Delia.

You'll have to forgive little Delia.

Well, I don't look like a penguin
and I don't look like a crow.

-You look like Dracula's sister.
-Delia.

And you do not know how to drive a car.

But I don't look like a penguin or a crow.

I don't know if I like being a nun.

I need to talk to you, Sister.

I can't.

Have we got any more snapper back there, Andy?

Where's the food?

I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.

Oh, I do, baby. I do, I do.

Here, now, Grace, Grace,
do you want to come with us?

-I'm so upset.
-Baby, we're going to Miami Beach!

I'm sitting up front.

Na na na na na.

I'm sitting up front, I'm sitting up front.

Once upon a time in a faraway land,

there was this pony, and his name was Ricky.

-Licky!
-Licky!

He was the most beautiful pony,
but none of the children could ride him

no matter how hard they tried.

Because when a child
reached his hand up to Ricky...

Wee!

Munch, munch went Ricky's powerful,
flat, yellow teeth, and crunch!

And off came the little boy's finger!

And wee! The blood ran across his blue lips.

Wee!

What do you say, Earl?

All clear now!

Nice knifework, Kirby!

It's a sign, boy!

Well, this has got to go.

Far out.

He just don't know how to treat me right.

Oh, I can't go through another lonely night.

Hold it, truck coming!

Hit the lights, hit the lights!

Lights on, come on.

Okay, but work quietly!

Yankee Doodle, keep it up,
Yankee Doodle dandy.

Okay, that's good.

All right.

-Check the road, Otto.
-Okay.

It's a beauty, it's a beauty.

Tell them it's all clear!

All clear!

Kirby, I don't think we should do this.

We could all be killed.

It's just a little bit of dynamite, honey,
we're just going to make a little bitty hole.

Now don't you worry.

Fifteen, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10,

nine, eight...

-Ten, nine, eight--
-Kirby, please, we've never done--

Could you show a little confidence
in my ability to handle this situation?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, thank God.

-What happened?
-Nothing happened, obviously.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

We're gonna build them a way now!

Okay, folks, just slow it down.

We had a little accident here.

Just follow the smiling faces
right down to Ticlaw.

What's the problem, pal? We gotta get to Miami.

You'll be in Miami first thing in the morning!

Just keep right on going.

Welcome to Ticlaw.

Don't forget to fill up in the morning!

That's it!

Move the line, please!

Welcome to Ticlaw Inn, everybody!

Come on, James, bring them in here!

You're doing a fine job!

Welcome, it's very good to see you.

Nice to see you!

Nice to see you.

Welcome, welcome!

It's all right.

An hour ago, I was on my way to Miami
and then this happens.

I don't want to stay here.

Oh, come on!

This place is great!

She finds you very attractive.

Oh, do you know her?

Oh, yeah, she's my sister.

-Oh.
-Hi, Brandon!

Sorry, she's my stepsister.

Oh!

Hello, my name's Casual.

Why don't you go up to your room?

Just take him upstairs.

You don't like dogs, do you?

No, actually, I'm a cat man, myself!

Woo! Watch it, baby!

See that girl over there?

-The one in white?
-Oh, yeah, she's very pretty.

She likes you.

She likes me?

You see, I'm her doctor, psychiatrist.

-She's crazy?
-You'd be helping her.

In five minutes, go over and talk to her.

You've gotta have a phrase.

“Ticlaw ticks.“

“Ticlaw ticks.“

Or, "Time in Ticlaw tantalizes,"
and show a picture of a pretty girl.

See, it's the association of ideas that counts.

Sell Ticlaw as a sort of a sexual oasis!

"Our time in Ticlaw was torrid,"
and show a family.

Your husband certainly knows his advertising.

Does he ever.

My Sherm invented bad breath.

Your husband invented bad breath?

He fought for bad breath
for years and years, and finally he got it.

Carol.

You did one brilliant thing, though,
and that was to give everything away for free.

-You know the wor--
-You see, he invented this test

where you put your hand
in front of your mouth and you blow.

Now, what you're smelling is not your breath,

what you're smelling is your fingers!

Shut up, Carol.

Thank you very much.

Good--good evening.

Is your room upstairs?

But of course.

Woo-hoo!

All right! All right!

We ain't seen nothing like this in years.

You're gonna love it here!

Well, wasn't part of the plan,
but it's a nice little place, huh?

Hotels like this are part of our heritage!

Yeah.

Honey.

Look, how about tonight?

Tonight? What about last night?

Tonight, too!

Look, I am on vacation.

Hey, Carmen, what's your favorite color?

I think the living room should be done in beige.

Oh, I kinda like red.

Well, then, reddish beige!

How about the bedroom, what do you say?

Whoa, Duane, I think we ought
to get to know each other a little better

before we start looking at paint chips.

I mean, did it ever occur to you that
this relationship might not work out?

-No.
-Well, my heart starts to pound

if I get within 50 miles of an Army base.

The trouble with you is you don't know
a sure thing when you see one!

Oh, Mama!

Oh, Carmen!

I love you so!

Carmen, Carmen, Carmen, I love you,
love you, Carmen, so much.

Carmen?

Ooh!

Carmen?

Huh.

-Zoo .
-Zoo.

Zoo.

Right over here, we have our lion.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Can you say, "lion"?

-Lion!
-Lion!

Very good!

Next, over here, we have our elephant!

Elephant!

Bubbles!

Did you know that Bubbles can water ski?

-Wow!
-Oh!

Okay.

Here we have our pony!

Come on!

If you'd like, you can reach up and pet her!

No, Licky!

-No, Licky!
-No!

No, Licky!

Come back!

How do? Ticlaw Inn, I'm sorry,
we're all booked up!

Oh, yes. One moment!

Kirby!

It's the governor.

Tell him I'll take it in the office.

Mr. Calo will be right with you!

Hello, Your Honor!

-Is this Kirby Calo?
-Yes, sir, this is he speaking!

Mr. Calo, what do you intend doing
with your hostages?

Hostages? We don't intend
doing anything with them.

We got no real use for them.

What was that? What was that noise?

Oh, that's just the game room, sir.

Game room?

He's got them locked up in a game room?

Well, we would like to talk to you.

Why, sure, we'd love to meet.

Remember Attica? Never give in to demands.

-Don't meet with them.
-Shut the fuck up.

Where did you want to meet?

How about right down in the center of Ticlaw?

You'll find that it's the town with no exit.

We'll do just that!

If we ever get this thing worked out properly,

I will see to it that you work in the post office
for the rest of your natural life!

Hi, Little Billy, have you seen your daddy?

-No.
-You haven't?

Nope.

I'll kill you, I'll kill you!

Oh, boy, was that ever worth it.

-Thank you!
-Good, come again.

I've gotta go change my shirt, okay?

-Hi!

Haven't we met somewhere before?

I don't think it was my station.

I'm your mother, you do what I tell you.

And don't play--no,
you're not to play those games. No.

I'm going to go and play with the gun.

So, how would you like to go up to the room
and just be alone together?

You and I?

Well, I'm a little tired right now, honey.

Hungry, too. Hungry.

Hungry?

Whoa!

Look out, Sister!

You will come with me immediately!

Oh, boy.

-Oh, boy, oh, boy.
-Absolute disgrace!

I was only dancing.

When are you going to learn
that you are a bride of Christ?

If Jesus is such a good husband,
why won't He let me dance a little?

Carmen?

Kneel.

-Ow!

-Down.
-Ow.

Carmen?

Carmen?

Up. Down. Up.

-Pardon me.
-Down.

Where is he?

I don't see anybody! Or anything.

It's eerie.

It's a trap!

Whoa, whoa, stop the car.

-Answer it.
-It's not for me, no one knows I'm here!

Answer the phone.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

They said get out of the cars
and meet them in the middle of the street.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Your Honor.

What do you want?

Well, we want what we always wanted
from the beginning: an exit for Ticlaw.

Well, taking hostages is
not the way to go about it.

Well, we tried bribery,
but that didn't work, right, Mr. Kirk?

You still got the 10 thou?

It's around somewhere.

-This is worse than Watergate.
-Shut up.

We will never give in to your demands, ever.

You cannot force us--

What in the world are you doing
to those poor tourists?

Oh, we're just showing them a real good time.

Oh.

And if I don't give in?

I understand you're running
for reelection, Governor.

Sir, I cannot participate in a cover-up.

-I point to Water--
-Shut up, shut... up.

Okay. Have you got it, Mr. Kirk?

Yeah.

You know, it's a terrible thing
when you pay for something and you don't get it.

Makes you wonder who you can trust.

Me. You can trust me.

I deliver.

That was my campaign slogan, "I deliver."

Gentlemen, I think Mr. Calo deserves an exit.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Oh!

Go on, take it.

Hey, isn't that Sister Mary Magdalene?

-Yes.
-Where is she going?

To hell, I'm afraid.

No!

No! Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh!

Wow!

How did this happen, anyway?

Did anybody see that?

Yeah, I saw the whole thing
through my rearview mirror.

-Whoa!
-Oh!

A lion!

Ow! Ow!

Ah!

Hey, want to go to Miami?

Oh, no!

No, no!

Billy, please, it's not funny!

Come on, Mom, please help me!

Somebody, please!

I'm going to fall!

Please, this isn't funny, come on.

I'm sitting up front!

To hell with the children!

-It's a miracle.
-Give me my money!

My money, my money, I need it!

All right! All right!