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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,932 --> 00:00:08,885 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:08,887 --> 00:00:10,401 Then what are you doing here? 3 00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:12,536 - I'm looking for a girl. - I knew it! 4 00:00:12,538 --> 00:00:13,810 Who was that chick who got dropped off 5 00:00:13,812 --> 00:00:15,052 at your house two nights ago? 6 00:00:15,054 --> 00:00:16,763 She's my niece. Jackie. 7 00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:18,676 We have a serious fucking Lori problem. 8 00:00:18,677 --> 00:00:19,936 Will Jack's niece be joining us? 9 00:00:19,938 --> 00:00:21,538 - Jack's niece? - What is her name again? 10 00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:23,347 - Oh, uh, Izzy? - Izzy. 11 00:00:23,348 --> 00:00:26,284 Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie. 12 00:00:26,285 --> 00:00:28,019 Andy, why'd you follow me here 13 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:30,154 - to... to my uncle's house? - Right. 14 00:00:30,395 --> 00:00:31,489 Uncle Jack. 15 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,491 You are too good for me. You know? 16 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,092 Yeah. You know what? I think you're right. 17 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,504 You're not gonna make me drink this all by myself, 18 00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:41,278 right? 19 00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:46,222 I've been working crazy hours 20 00:00:46,224 --> 00:00:48,640 on this huge pitch for a... a fancy new theater 21 00:00:48,641 --> 00:00:50,332 at The Hamilton School, where Jack works? 22 00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:51,799 There's a million people I could come to for advice. 23 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:53,830 I come to you. I have a lot on my plate right now. 24 00:00:53,832 --> 00:00:55,080 What?! Ow. 25 00:00:55,082 --> 00:00:57,381 We agree that this is a business arrangement, right? 26 00:00:57,382 --> 00:00:59,517 - You never cashed the check? - No. 27 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,061 I love us. 28 00:01:04,104 --> 00:01:07,318 You know, not just the sex, but, like, us. 29 00:01:08,382 --> 00:01:09,598 Me too. 30 00:01:10,729 --> 00:01:11,905 Me three. 31 00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:36,825 What are you thinking? 32 00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:39,334 What are you thinking? 33 00:01:39,825 --> 00:01:42,460 I'm thinking that a college student 34 00:01:42,462 --> 00:01:44,379 slept between us in our bed last night. 35 00:01:45,297 --> 00:01:46,961 Yeah. After we all had sex together. 36 00:01:46,963 --> 00:01:48,899 I think that... that's the headline, honey. 37 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,096 Right. 38 00:01:50,612 --> 00:01:51,702 And she's still here. 39 00:01:51,703 --> 00:01:54,639 She's in the bedroom while we're gonna head off to work. 40 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,026 I... I feel weird about that. Is it weird that I feel weird? 41 00:01:57,709 --> 00:01:59,697 Remember that recurring dream I kept having, 42 00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:01,113 where we were both in that Porsche, 43 00:02:01,115 --> 00:02:02,455 like 90 miles an hour, 44 00:02:02,457 --> 00:02:03,866 laughing and drinking, 45 00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:05,754 and then we look at each other, 46 00:02:05,756 --> 00:02:07,551 and we realize that we're both in the backseat 47 00:02:07,553 --> 00:02:08,919 and nobody's at the wheel? 48 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,388 Yeah. You had that dream again? 49 00:02:10,389 --> 00:02:11,856 I need you to tell me that we're not 50 00:02:11,857 --> 00:02:13,057 in the backseat while our life 51 00:02:13,058 --> 00:02:14,525 is just crashing through a guardrail, 52 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:17,328 down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end. 53 00:02:17,329 --> 00:02:19,330 No. Here, we made a choice. 54 00:02:19,331 --> 00:02:21,065 This was a choice, here. 55 00:02:21,066 --> 00:02:22,400 We... we did it with our eyes open 56 00:02:22,401 --> 00:02:24,135 and our hands on the wheel. 57 00:02:24,136 --> 00:02:27,338 We knew what we were doing. And w... we can... 58 00:02:27,339 --> 00:02:29,607 And what we do next is... is up to us. 59 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,941 Yeah. 60 00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,276 Wait. Did you just shrink me? 61 00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:35,212 I don't know what you're talking about. 62 00:02:35,213 --> 00:02:36,947 But your hour is up. 63 00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:40,752 Easy, tiger. We're gonna be late. 64 00:02:41,053 --> 00:02:43,444 Well, your hand down my pants is sending me 65 00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:44,422 a pretty mixed message right now, I have to admit. 66 00:02:44,423 --> 00:02:45,623 Oh, well, look at that. 67 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,025 - Yeah. - My bad. 68 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,961 Thanks. 69 00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:55,499 So, d... did we all profess our love to each other 70 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,368 last night, or did I just imagine that? 71 00:02:57,369 --> 00:02:58,969 I had time to sift through the forensics 72 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,571 while inspecting the ceiling last night, 73 00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:02,707 and here's what I came up with... 74 00:03:02,708 --> 00:03:04,175 Izzy said, "I love us." 75 00:03:04,176 --> 00:03:06,177 Not you, not me, us. 76 00:03:06,178 --> 00:03:08,979 Like the three of us, together. 77 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,314 Right. So when we said it back, 78 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,916 we didn't really mean "I love you," 79 00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:14,585 we just were celebrating? 80 00:03:14,586 --> 00:03:17,922 Us, the situation, the three of us together. 81 00:03:17,923 --> 00:03:19,390 Okay. 82 00:03:19,391 --> 00:03:20,458 What does that mean, "the three of us together"? 83 00:03:20,459 --> 00:03:21,792 Are you referring to like 84 00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,794 us actually physically together in the bed, 85 00:03:23,795 --> 00:03:26,864 or, like, are we a... are we together, together? 86 00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:29,400 Like the three of us could be dating? 87 00:03:29,401 --> 00:03:31,802 Like the three of us are seeing each other? 88 00:03:31,803 --> 00:03:33,671 I mean, I don't even know how that would work, physically. 89 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,806 How could we... ? If we walk down the sidewalk, 90 00:03:35,807 --> 00:03:38,743 people wouldn't be able to get around us. 91 00:03:38,744 --> 00:03:40,211 Like, society would crumble. 92 00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:42,880 The whole pedestrian system w... would fall apart. 93 00:03:42,881 --> 00:03:44,615 I mean, would Izzy sit between us 94 00:03:44,616 --> 00:03:46,083 at the movies and hold a pop-corn 95 00:03:46,084 --> 00:03:47,551 What about Christmas and Thanksgiving? 96 00:03:47,552 --> 00:03:49,420 Would she come with us, with our families, 97 00:03:49,421 --> 00:03:51,489 sitting down at dinner? 98 00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:55,826 And we are back to the fiery, horrible end. 99 00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:08,773 Ugh. 100 00:04:08,774 --> 00:04:13,511 God damn it, you slut. 101 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,719 Oh, hello worst decision ever. 102 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,189 Hey, listen. I'm sorry, okay? 103 00:04:26,792 --> 00:04:29,460 If it helps, I kind of hate myself right now, too. 104 00:04:29,461 --> 00:04:31,462 You know, I'm not that guy and you're not that girl. 105 00:04:31,463 --> 00:04:34,398 - It's just... - We are what we do, Andrew, 106 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,002 the accumulation of our choices. 107 00:04:39,471 --> 00:04:42,673 Hey, Nina. 108 00:04:42,674 --> 00:04:45,342 Can we just agree to blame Izzy 109 00:04:45,343 --> 00:04:47,611 and move on with our lives like this never happened? 110 00:04:47,612 --> 00:04:49,079 Definitely. 111 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,215 There they are. 112 00:04:51,216 --> 00:04:53,617 Hi, my two lovers. 113 00:04:53,618 --> 00:04:54,952 Hey. 114 00:04:57,355 --> 00:04:58,422 Sorry. 115 00:04:58,423 --> 00:04:59,890 Lovers. 116 00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:01,625 I'm totally gonna rock that word 117 00:05:01,626 --> 00:05:03,093 and just put the onus on everybody 118 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,362 to figure out if I'm being serious or not. 119 00:05:05,363 --> 00:05:07,298 - Hi. - Hi. 120 00:05:10,302 --> 00:05:13,370 Well, someone's having quite the morning. 121 00:05:13,371 --> 00:05:14,972 Hmm? 122 00:05:14,973 --> 00:05:16,974 I copped a feel, too, so... 123 00:05:16,975 --> 00:05:18,042 You did? 124 00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:19,376 He's doing very well this morning. 125 00:05:19,377 --> 00:05:20,978 Well, that hardly seems fair. 126 00:05:20,979 --> 00:05:22,980 Two cops? 127 00:05:22,981 --> 00:05:25,717 You look really nice. 128 00:05:27,385 --> 00:05:29,787 - Okay, wow. Um... - What? 129 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,789 Uh, I, uh... 130 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,123 You're adorable, 131 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:36,327 especially when you stammer like that. 132 00:05:40,866 --> 00:05:43,400 Okay. Okay. I... this? This area here 133 00:05:43,401 --> 00:05:45,936 - is, uh, closed for business because I got to run. - Okay. 134 00:05:45,937 --> 00:05:47,938 I have really big prelim presentation at The Hamilton School. 135 00:05:47,939 --> 00:05:50,741 Wait, wait, wait. I thought... I thought we could play hooky. 136 00:05:50,742 --> 00:05:54,078 I was lying in bed, formulating a plan for an awesome day. 137 00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:57,147 Thought we could hit The Pearl. 138 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,550 Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven, 139 00:05:59,551 --> 00:06:02,086 get the sunlight buzz going on. 140 00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:03,554 You know? Or maybe we could... 141 00:06:03,555 --> 00:06:04,755 we could go somewhere else, maybe. 142 00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:06,891 Yeah? Yeah? 143 00:06:06,892 --> 00:06:10,094 We have jobs to go to in the adult world. 144 00:06:10,095 --> 00:06:13,163 It's the big week for me, with this whole dean thing happening. 145 00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:17,568 It's my Alumni Board is reviewing me this week. 146 00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:18,903 Oh, yeah? 147 00:06:18,904 --> 00:06:21,438 What, were you guys 148 00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:23,307 like talking behind my back or something? 149 00:06:23,308 --> 00:06:25,175 Well, Isabelle, we're married, 150 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,177 so we're kind of talking behind the whole world's back, 151 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,646 like every day, all the time, so... 152 00:06:28,647 --> 00:06:30,114 "Isabelle"? What the fuck is that? 153 00:06:30,115 --> 00:06:31,448 Right. We were... we were... 154 00:06:31,449 --> 00:06:33,050 It was mostly good things. 155 00:06:33,051 --> 00:06:34,785 Oh, yeah? Like what? 156 00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,253 Hmm? 157 00:06:36,254 --> 00:06:39,056 Think I'll call you Asshole and Other Asshole. 158 00:06:39,057 --> 00:06:40,658 How's that? 159 00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:41,992 I think maybe you should... 160 00:06:41,993 --> 00:06:43,727 should calm down a little bit. That's... 161 00:06:43,728 --> 00:06:46,130 I'm sure that's very easy for you to say. 162 00:06:46,131 --> 00:06:48,132 You're not the one being treated like the one-night stand 163 00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,600 who lingered too long. 164 00:06:49,601 --> 00:06:51,735 Izzy, I'm sorry. 165 00:06:51,736 --> 00:06:54,004 I do not want to make you feel that way. 166 00:06:54,005 --> 00:06:56,273 I mean, and, seriously, last night was... 167 00:06:56,274 --> 00:06:58,676 It was like one of the best nights of my life. 168 00:06:58,677 --> 00:07:00,277 Yeah. Me too. This is... 169 00:07:00,278 --> 00:07:02,480 We just have to go to work. That's all this is. 170 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,285 Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or... 171 00:07:08,286 --> 00:07:10,821 or do you want me just to call my pimp? 172 00:07:10,822 --> 00:07:13,424 I have a... you can... 173 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:19,496 I can take you. 174 00:07:19,497 --> 00:07:21,765 What happened here? 175 00:07:26,171 --> 00:07:27,905 Hey, what the hell?! 176 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,307 What, you want to make some more small talk? 177 00:07:30,308 --> 00:07:32,443 Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary adult conversation 178 00:07:32,444 --> 00:07:34,578 is too pedantic and bourgeois for you. 179 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,447 Oh, fine. 180 00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:39,116 How goes the architecting? What is your favorite season? 181 00:07:39,117 --> 00:07:41,652 Are you binge-watching anything interesting lately? 182 00:07:41,653 --> 00:07:43,654 How about those Blazers, huh? 183 00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:47,257 All that playing and shooting or whatever else they do? 184 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,327 You're right. 185 00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:51,929 This is so much better than actually saying 186 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,331 what we're actually fucking thinking. 187 00:07:54,332 --> 00:07:55,799 Holy shit! 188 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,068 It's Izzy. Um... 189 00:07:58,069 --> 00:08:00,471 - What? - It's time to scoot. 190 00:08:00,472 --> 00:08:02,606 - It's time to go home, now. - Just move! 191 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,608 Don't. I, um... 192 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,210 That... that's nice. Thank you. 193 00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:07,811 Thank you for the effort, kiddo. 194 00:08:07,812 --> 00:08:09,279 Don't mention it, Other Asshole. 195 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,150 Izzy seems a bit with miffed, uh, Aunt Emma. 196 00:08:13,151 --> 00:08:15,686 You really need to go, like now. 197 00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:17,021 No, no, no, no. 198 00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:19,690 Ah! 199 00:08:19,691 --> 00:08:21,158 For the record... you made an effort. 200 00:08:21,159 --> 00:08:23,361 You tried, but I'm gonna watch this. 201 00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:27,031 Ugh. 202 00:08:27,032 --> 00:08:29,166 What... what's this? Are... are you having a stroke? 203 00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:32,369 Just... I don't know. Uh, maybe? 204 00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,371 Look, it's a lot, Izzy. 205 00:08:34,372 --> 00:08:36,373 I mean, it is so much. 206 00:08:36,374 --> 00:08:38,108 I... I... I'm just... 207 00:08:38,109 --> 00:08:40,511 I'm trying to sort through it and make sense. 208 00:08:40,512 --> 00:08:42,847 I'm fucking terrified. 209 00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,650 Are you too scared? 210 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,319 I don't know. 211 00:08:50,388 --> 00:08:51,923 Maybe. 212 00:08:55,727 --> 00:08:57,061 Don't forget, though. 213 00:08:57,062 --> 00:08:58,529 Forget what? 214 00:09:13,878 --> 00:09:15,546 That. 215 00:09:26,291 --> 00:09:27,692 Fuck. 216 00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:51,849 Fuck! 217 00:09:58,323 --> 00:10:00,190 You know what, Andy? 218 00:10:00,191 --> 00:10:02,192 I'm really not in the fucking mood to do this or whatever. 219 00:10:02,193 --> 00:10:04,595 My, my, my. 220 00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:07,264 You kiss your aunt with that mouth? 221 00:10:07,265 --> 00:10:08,666 What? 222 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,870 One more thing... um... 223 00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:15,272 eat shit. 224 00:10:15,273 --> 00:10:17,208 And lose my fucking number. 225 00:10:19,677 --> 00:10:21,479 That's actually two things. 226 00:10:23,548 --> 00:10:25,549 You got me. 227 00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:27,485 You really got me. 228 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:30,688 Fuck. 229 00:10:40,632 --> 00:10:42,366 We got a problem, too? 230 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:44,768 Uh, no. 231 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,171 Y... you can nuke that. 232 00:10:47,172 --> 00:10:48,505 He left very suddenly 233 00:10:48,506 --> 00:10:50,975 after watching you make out with your aunt. 234 00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:06,056 - Do I really have to ask? - Ask what? 235 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:08,392 What Andy was doing here. 236 00:11:08,393 --> 00:11:09,993 W... wh... he was about to have a cup of coffee. 237 00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:11,061 Did I not just say that? 238 00:11:11,062 --> 00:11:12,396 Andy came all the way over here 239 00:11:12,397 --> 00:11:14,665 to have coffee at 7:30 a.m.? 240 00:11:14,666 --> 00:11:17,601 Yeah. It's a pretty common time for coffee. 241 00:11:17,602 --> 00:11:19,603 You work nights and your first class is at noon. 242 00:11:19,604 --> 00:11:21,471 You don't even know what 7:30 looks like. 243 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,740 Has it occurred to you that maybe Andy knocking on the door 244 00:11:23,741 --> 00:11:25,209 is the reason that I woke up? 245 00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:27,878 Or maybe I had to study. 246 00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,069 So which is it? 247 00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:30,277 Oh, pick one. 248 00:11:30,279 --> 00:11:33,078 - Stop it. - Stop what, dearest? 249 00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:34,569 That. 250 00:11:34,571 --> 00:11:37,142 Oh, you mean, um, the passive-aggressive calm? 251 00:11:37,143 --> 00:11:39,195 See, I'm just trying not to kill you 252 00:11:39,197 --> 00:11:41,358 for smearing your mental breakdown all over me. 253 00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:43,093 If I make it all the way over there 254 00:11:43,094 --> 00:11:44,561 and those stupid-ass glasses 255 00:11:44,562 --> 00:11:46,163 are still on that stupid-ass face, 256 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,298 I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces 257 00:11:48,299 --> 00:11:50,968 and shove each and every one up your self-righteous... 258 00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:54,304 If you so much as touch 259 00:11:54,305 --> 00:11:56,039 my very excellent glasses, 260 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,774 I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb, 261 00:11:57,775 --> 00:11:59,509 at which point, the kicking will commence. 262 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,711 Is that right? 263 00:12:00,712 --> 00:12:02,179 'Cause you look pretty hungover. 264 00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:03,647 I'm sure I could take you. 265 00:12:03,648 --> 00:12:05,515 Okay. All right. 266 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,784 Try it. I dare you. 267 00:12:18,997 --> 00:12:20,597 - Don't. Don't. - I'm not. 268 00:12:20,598 --> 00:12:23,267 - Don't cry. - I'm trying not to. 269 00:12:23,268 --> 00:12:25,535 That is not fair, okay? 270 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,938 Is it working? 271 00:12:31,276 --> 00:12:33,077 Get over here. 272 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:38,749 Come here. 273 00:12:43,421 --> 00:12:46,290 Um, so is this just about Andy? 274 00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:51,028 No. It's about me. 275 00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:54,631 I just think Andy was collateral damage. 276 00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:58,573 That's a... that's a pithy line. You care to elaborate? 277 00:13:03,308 --> 00:13:05,309 Oh, man. 278 00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:09,046 So... last night, 279 00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:12,049 I had the first threesome of my life. 280 00:13:13,851 --> 00:13:15,719 It was pretty amazing. 281 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,187 Actually, I need a better word for that 282 00:13:17,188 --> 00:13:19,589 'cause I use that for, like, sour Jelly Bellys 283 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,526 and boots and pretty much everything else. 284 00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:25,329 This was like... 285 00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:26,797 like transformative. 286 00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:29,066 I'm... I'm pretty sure my hair had an orgasm. 287 00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,068 Okay. 288 00:13:31,069 --> 00:13:33,870 So, you got it on with your aunt and uncle. 289 00:13:33,871 --> 00:13:34,805 Whoo-hoo. 290 00:13:34,806 --> 00:13:36,940 Please stop calling them that. 291 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:39,343 Okay. So you and this... this married couple 292 00:13:39,344 --> 00:13:40,677 that you're dating. 293 00:13:40,678 --> 00:13:42,012 That's... that's the thing. 294 00:13:42,013 --> 00:13:44,147 That's the problem. Like, we're not dating. 295 00:13:44,148 --> 00:13:46,550 We're not becoming anything, like a throuple, 296 00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:48,018 or whatever the fuck you call it. 297 00:13:48,019 --> 00:13:49,219 I don't know. We're just like... 298 00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,823 Yeah. You're a business arrangement. 299 00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:55,625 Not anymore. 300 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,028 What? 301 00:13:58,029 --> 00:14:00,697 I kind of ripped up the check. 302 00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,301 You... I... 303 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:07,904 Okay. I must have, like, premium vodka in my ears 304 00:14:07,905 --> 00:14:09,373 because I swear that you just said 305 00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:10,574 that you ripped up the check. 306 00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:11,908 That's crazy. 307 00:14:11,909 --> 00:14:14,444 Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so... 308 00:14:14,445 --> 00:14:15,779 Oh. 309 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:18,181 Okay. So, then, what are you? 310 00:14:18,182 --> 00:14:20,450 Well, uh, I guess, at this point, 311 00:14:20,451 --> 00:14:22,319 I'm just... 312 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,655 their booty call? 313 00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:26,857 I don't know. 314 00:14:26,858 --> 00:14:30,594 Hey, those assholes, they led you on. 315 00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,863 They... they made you think 316 00:14:32,864 --> 00:14:36,466 that it could become something that it's not, 317 00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,602 which makes you a fucking idiot, no offense. 318 00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:41,671 How is that not offensive? 319 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,807 You're their Andy, okay? 320 00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:47,277 Their plaything, someone that you keep "on simmer." 321 00:14:47,278 --> 00:14:48,745 So what? You're suggesting what, 322 00:14:48,746 --> 00:14:50,480 like karmic justice here, or something? 323 00:14:50,481 --> 00:14:53,950 Yeah. I mean, if the asshat fits, then wear it. 324 00:14:53,951 --> 00:14:56,753 I get you're trying to do like the tough-love thing here, 325 00:14:56,754 --> 00:14:59,022 but, like, you really suck at this. 326 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:02,092 Or am I amazing, nay, transformative, right? 327 00:15:02,093 --> 00:15:03,160 - You're not. - Yes, I am. 328 00:15:03,161 --> 00:15:04,494 You are absolutely not. 329 00:15:04,495 --> 00:15:05,962 I am good at this. 330 00:15:05,963 --> 00:15:09,032 I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy. 331 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,034 Maybe the cold and the hard. 332 00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,769 Aw. 333 00:15:12,770 --> 00:15:15,572 I'm gonna miss this when you're institutionalized, 334 00:15:15,573 --> 00:15:17,707 when they lock you up. 335 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,911 The banter. We're so good at it. 336 00:15:20,912 --> 00:15:22,446 I love you. 337 00:15:24,916 --> 00:15:26,249 I love you, too. 338 00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:30,921 And I... 339 00:15:30,922 --> 00:15:34,458 fucked Andy, um... and I got to go. 340 00:15:36,527 --> 00:15:39,130 Bye. 341 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,000 It's gonna take me a second 342 00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:46,803 to digest all this information. 343 00:15:46,804 --> 00:15:48,004 Looks like it's gonna take you a month 344 00:15:48,005 --> 00:15:50,074 to digest that crêpe-wrapped cow. 345 00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:53,477 That's so gross, man. 346 00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,479 - What's in yours? - Healthy stuff. 347 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,481 Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen 348 00:15:57,482 --> 00:15:59,349 and your big brother's disappointment? 349 00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:00,684 Can you, like, close your mouth? 350 00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:02,018 There's people here that don't... 351 00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:04,421 Enjoy your life, dude, okay? 352 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,423 - Swallow it whole. - I am. 353 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,692 And stop surviving. 354 00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:10,827 Start living. 355 00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:12,829 I am living. 356 00:16:12,830 --> 00:16:14,297 You're saying I shouldn't be afraid 357 00:16:14,298 --> 00:16:16,566 of going public with Izzy? 358 00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,102 Should just kind of like show her as we are 359 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,371 and... and face the consequences? 360 00:16:21,372 --> 00:16:22,706 - Jesus! - Ow. 361 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,443 Listen, you dumb-ass. 362 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,044 You and Emma are not gonna openly 363 00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:29,513 add a third person to your marriage 364 00:16:29,514 --> 00:16:31,114 and flaunt that shit all over Portland! 365 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,449 Well, keep your fucking voice down. 366 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,584 Let alone anywhere near my family. 367 00:16:34,585 --> 00:16:36,186 Jesus, you're so riled up over this. 368 00:16:36,187 --> 00:16:37,654 - God. - It's my life. 369 00:16:37,655 --> 00:16:39,389 Look. You're gonna lose your job, okay? 370 00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:40,991 The three of you are gonna be a freak show. 371 00:16:40,992 --> 00:16:42,993 You're gonna be on "Good Morning, America." 372 00:16:42,994 --> 00:16:45,795 People are gonna throw fake blood on you 373 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,264 - in the streets! - Why would... 374 00:16:47,265 --> 00:16:48,732 First of all, keep your fucking voice down, okay? 375 00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,333 Don't tell me fucking what to do. 376 00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:52,335 Secondly, why would they be throwing fake blood on us? 377 00:16:52,336 --> 00:16:53,670 What are we, like we have furs on or something? 378 00:16:53,671 --> 00:16:55,272 - Whatever. - Think about what you're saying. 379 00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:57,140 - Whatever. - Your analogies make no sense. 380 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,475 Listen, okay? 381 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,744 You're gonna endure public ridicule. 382 00:17:00,745 --> 00:17:02,479 You're gonna be cast out. 383 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,614 You're going to be a weirdo. 384 00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:07,551 W... we are living in Portland, asshole, okay? 385 00:17:07,552 --> 00:17:09,152 Not Afghanistan. 386 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:12,622 Dude, we're even, by the way. Okay? 1-1. Truce. 387 00:17:15,426 --> 00:17:17,561 This isn't fun sober! 388 00:17:17,562 --> 00:17:18,762 It's not supposed to be fun, Nina! 389 00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:19,829 I'm kicking your ass! 390 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:20,897 Ow! 391 00:17:20,898 --> 00:17:21,965 Ow. Ow. 392 00:17:21,966 --> 00:17:24,100 Are you? Are you really? 393 00:17:24,101 --> 00:17:25,168 No. Ow. No, no, no. 394 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,903 Not the hands. Not the hands. 395 00:17:26,904 --> 00:17:28,772 Don't you dare. You do that, 396 00:17:28,773 --> 00:17:30,106 you're gonna have to kill me first. 397 00:17:30,107 --> 00:17:31,308 Ah! 398 00:17:31,309 --> 00:17:33,577 Ah! Ow, my boob! 399 00:17:33,578 --> 00:17:35,979 - Yeah. - Ow. 400 00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:37,581 Ow! I can't breathe. 401 00:17:37,582 --> 00:17:39,583 Roommates who break girl code 402 00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:41,451 do not get oxygen! 403 00:17:41,452 --> 00:17:43,453 Ow. Ow. 404 00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:44,654 Ow. 405 00:17:44,655 --> 00:17:46,389 - Give it to me. - No, no, no, no. 406 00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,457 Ow, ow, ow. Not my hand. 407 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:49,059 - Oh. Oh, my God! - Drop it. 408 00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:50,660 Stop hitting yourself. Oh, my God! You're crazy! 409 00:17:50,661 --> 00:17:52,529 Not my nipple! You know that they're sensitive! 410 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,130 Aaaah! Tater Tots! 411 00:17:54,131 --> 00:17:55,865 - No safe words. - Tater Tots! 412 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,001 Give me one good reason why I shouldn't punch you 413 00:17:58,002 --> 00:18:00,537 - in the vag right now. - Timeout, okay? 414 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,073 I smoked way too much weed for this. 415 00:18:03,074 --> 00:18:05,676 Timeout. Timeout. 416 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,947 Oh, my boob. 417 00:18:18,823 --> 00:18:21,891 He brought the really good vodka, Iz. 418 00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,627 And his dick? 419 00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,228 Point being, he was on a mission, okay? 420 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,696 Yeah, duh. 421 00:18:26,697 --> 00:18:28,832 You couldn't intuit that, future psychologist? 422 00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,834 Yeah, you'd think, but it only occurred to me 423 00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,840 soon after my first orgasm. 424 00:18:33,523 --> 00:18:34,554 Your first? 425 00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:36,640 Kid's got game. 426 00:18:40,177 --> 00:18:41,911 Of course he does. 427 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:45,248 Never stuck long enough to find out. 428 00:18:46,717 --> 00:18:48,585 Blew it with a good guy, who's also nondouchey, 429 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,788 handsome, and, apparently, screws like a porn star. 430 00:18:51,789 --> 00:18:54,190 This is good. This is... this is good. 431 00:18:54,191 --> 00:18:55,726 Everything's working out. 432 00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,730 It was a mistake, okay? 433 00:19:00,731 --> 00:19:02,065 We both agreed, 434 00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:04,734 and he's still yours for the having... 435 00:19:04,735 --> 00:19:07,270 if you want him. 436 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:11,141 He's... he's pissed, but he'll get over it. 437 00:19:11,142 --> 00:19:13,587 Did you hear me? 438 00:19:13,588 --> 00:19:15,588 Loud and clear. 439 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,348 No one is gonna let their daughter be counseled 440 00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,017 by an infamous sexual deviant. 441 00:19:21,018 --> 00:19:22,619 Come on. 442 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:25,689 Why couldn't you have just kept it in a box, hmm? 443 00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:26,890 We tried. 444 00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:28,892 You know, the occasional kinky fun 445 00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:31,695 behind closed doors. 446 00:19:31,696 --> 00:19:33,296 Listen, man, 447 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:37,701 we love having you guys over, right, you know that? 448 00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:39,436 But you know that Marie's 449 00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:42,372 never gonna be okay with this. 450 00:19:42,373 --> 00:19:45,842 Nobody is. Hmm? 451 00:19:45,843 --> 00:19:47,310 Just look in their eyes. 452 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:48,912 You know what? 453 00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:50,780 We should've insisted she keep the money. 454 00:19:50,781 --> 00:19:52,649 That put a label on things. 455 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,719 Now, the whole arrangement is just so ambiguous. 456 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,053 You're damn right it is. 457 00:19:57,054 --> 00:19:58,655 It's time to take that genie 458 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,523 and jam it right back in the bottle, okay? 459 00:20:00,524 --> 00:20:03,460 She doesn't accept the money, it's over. 460 00:20:03,461 --> 00:20:05,862 Come on, Jack. 461 00:20:05,863 --> 00:20:07,330 Please tell me that you're not still pining 462 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,932 for that married couple. 463 00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:11,802 I'm not still pining for that married couple. 464 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,872 You said please. 465 00:20:15,873 --> 00:20:17,741 Okay, I can't believe I'm actually indulging this, 466 00:20:17,742 --> 00:20:20,543 but, um, what happened this morning, 467 00:20:20,544 --> 00:20:23,814 after your "transformative" threesome last night? 468 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,085 I don't know. 469 00:20:31,222 --> 00:20:34,691 I was just thinking about how 470 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,695 we only have sex, right? 471 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:41,097 And that... I don't know... no matter how crazy it sounds, 472 00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:44,300 I just... 473 00:20:44,301 --> 00:20:45,902 I think we're bigger than that. 474 00:20:45,903 --> 00:20:47,771 For the record, that's like way up there 475 00:20:47,772 --> 00:20:50,707 on the crazy scale, like you-scare-me crazy, but... 476 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,175 It's not crazy. 477 00:20:52,176 --> 00:20:53,777 I asked them to play hooky 478 00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,512 so we could day-drink and hang out at The Pearl. 479 00:20:55,513 --> 00:20:58,181 It's a fucking good day. 480 00:20:58,744 --> 00:21:01,250 All right. Just... just forget 481 00:21:01,252 --> 00:21:03,386 that they are a married couple for a second 482 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,777 - and think of them as the guy. - Okay. 483 00:21:05,778 --> 00:21:08,565 Okay, so you had sex with the guy 484 00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:10,727 that you met like three days ago, 485 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,396 but instead of playing it cool and skedaddling, 486 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:14,998 you hang around his apartment 487 00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:16,332 and ask him to spend the day with you? 488 00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:18,334 - Is... does that sound right? - Ohhh. 489 00:21:18,335 --> 00:21:20,069 You asked a married couple 490 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:23,006 to go on a very public daylight date with you. 491 00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:25,008 I just... 492 00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:27,611 I don't see how that could make anybody anxious. 493 00:21:30,214 --> 00:21:31,414 Yeah. 494 00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:32,882 Ohh. 495 00:21:32,883 --> 00:21:35,685 I scared the shit out of them, didn't I? 496 00:21:35,686 --> 00:21:37,554 Yeah. You did. 497 00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:43,159 The knee-jerk inclination is to make any new structure blend in 498 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,028 with the overall Hamilton Prep School aesthetic, 499 00:21:45,029 --> 00:21:47,163 but this is a different beast. 500 00:21:47,164 --> 00:21:49,833 Here are a few examples of recently completed 501 00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,101 high-school theaters across the country. 502 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,103 They're bold, splashy, 503 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,906 standing out by design apologizing to no one. 504 00:21:56,907 --> 00:21:59,709 Theater and choir students are proudly different. 505 00:21:59,710 --> 00:22:02,111 They're not like everybody else and they don't want to be. 506 00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,446 The building should reflect that. 507 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,048 Oh, and, Dean Weinstock, 508 00:22:05,049 --> 00:22:06,916 did I mention the creative-freedom discount? 509 00:22:06,917 --> 00:22:08,651 As our senior partner likes to say, 510 00:22:08,652 --> 00:22:11,187 "Make coin or make a splash." 511 00:22:11,188 --> 00:22:13,056 Ideally, both? 512 00:22:13,057 --> 00:22:15,458 Well, that gets my name on the door. Everybody wins. 513 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:18,795 Our competitors tell you otherwise, they're full of shit. 514 00:22:18,796 --> 00:22:20,530 Oh, did... did I just say "shit"? 515 00:22:20,531 --> 00:22:23,733 I meant to say malarkey or something equally folksy. 516 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,203 Very well done, Mrs. Trakarsky. 517 00:22:27,204 --> 00:22:28,404 Thank you. 518 00:22:34,011 --> 00:22:37,080 - We're kind of on fire. - I know, right? 519 00:22:37,081 --> 00:22:39,749 Hawthorne's latest and greatest power couple. 520 00:22:39,750 --> 00:22:42,018 I mean, I'm gonna be dean, you're gonna be partner, 521 00:22:42,019 --> 00:22:44,554 and maybe we can try to have a baby. 522 00:22:44,555 --> 00:22:46,155 Well, everything good or bad happens in threes. 523 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:48,024 Right? 524 00:22:51,762 --> 00:22:53,763 Got some advice from Gabe today. 525 00:22:53,764 --> 00:22:55,365 Let me guess... we should save our marriage 526 00:22:55,366 --> 00:22:57,233 by having a foursome. 527 00:22:57,234 --> 00:22:59,636 He basically said that, you know, 528 00:22:59,637 --> 00:23:01,237 we totally screwed up by taking the money 529 00:23:01,238 --> 00:23:02,839 out of the relationship with Izzy. 530 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,508 The money's what kept it a finite business arrangement. 531 00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:08,044 Good, old-fashioned, American sex for hire, 532 00:23:08,045 --> 00:23:11,648 not... whatever we've let this become. 533 00:23:11,649 --> 00:23:14,050 He also said that if it ever became anything more than that, 534 00:23:14,051 --> 00:23:16,452 that he and Marie would totally cut us off. 535 00:23:16,453 --> 00:23:17,921 So did Carmen. 536 00:23:17,922 --> 00:23:19,923 So did Dave. 537 00:23:24,728 --> 00:23:26,729 Crazy thing is, it worked. 538 00:23:26,730 --> 00:23:29,265 The plan worked. I mean, I don't know about you. 539 00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:31,401 It feels to me like we're having the best sex of our lives. 540 00:23:31,402 --> 00:23:33,803 Yeah. 541 00:23:33,804 --> 00:23:37,006 - Right? - Yeah. 542 00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:39,409 Jack, where's it possibly gonna go from here? 543 00:23:39,410 --> 00:23:42,412 I mean, h... how does she realistically fit into our... 544 00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:44,667 our work, our jobs, our lives? 545 00:23:45,683 --> 00:23:49,152 But we knew that going in, you know? 546 00:23:49,153 --> 00:23:50,620 She kind of erased the boundaries 547 00:23:50,621 --> 00:23:52,689 when she tore up that check. 548 00:23:54,491 --> 00:23:56,893 It's like she thinks we're dating, 549 00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:58,761 like this could be something permanent. 550 00:23:58,762 --> 00:24:00,229 I know. 551 00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:01,564 All right. So what's our move? 552 00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:03,566 We just invite her over 553 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:07,036 and tell her she's got to take the money. 554 00:24:07,037 --> 00:24:09,172 Yeah. Or... or it's over. 555 00:24:09,173 --> 00:24:12,241 - Or it's over, right? - Yeah. 556 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:14,911 So why aren't we just walking away from this? 557 00:24:17,982 --> 00:24:19,849 - Mom? - What was that? 558 00:24:19,850 --> 00:24:22,518 Did you hear that? 559 00:24:22,519 --> 00:24:24,921 That sounded a lot like... 560 00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:26,389 I'm sorry. 561 00:24:26,390 --> 00:24:28,524 I think I must've butt-dialed you. 562 00:24:28,525 --> 00:24:33,196 No, no, it's all good. 563 00:24:33,197 --> 00:24:35,465 Yeah. See you when I get home. 564 00:24:35,466 --> 00:24:37,066 Bye. 565 00:24:37,067 --> 00:24:39,068 Hey. 566 00:24:39,069 --> 00:24:40,937 Sweetheart, I... I don't know what you think you heard... 567 00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:43,072 You mean the part about Izzy not being your niece, 568 00:24:43,073 --> 00:24:44,407 or the part about you guys paying her 569 00:24:44,408 --> 00:24:46,409 to have pervy, three-way sex with you? 570 00:24:46,410 --> 00:24:48,811 Wha... what? No, Ava. No. 571 00:24:48,812 --> 00:24:53,082 Silly, wonderful Ava. 572 00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,550 We... No. 573 00:24:54,551 --> 00:24:56,019 Um, we were walking down and then we were talking 574 00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,768 about something that was totally not that at all. 575 00:24:58,770 --> 00:24:59,836 No, no, no. 576 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,491 Don't... don't waste my time, Jack, 577 00:25:01,492 --> 00:25:03,092 because I've got class in five. 578 00:25:03,093 --> 00:25:04,827 We got some negotiating to do, don't we? 579 00:25:04,828 --> 00:25:07,096 - It's Mr. Trakarsky. - I'm pretty sure 580 00:25:07,097 --> 00:25:09,632 it's whatever I want it to be now. 581 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,367 Jack. 582 00:25:11,368 --> 00:25:13,236 Oh, God. 583 00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:15,905 She's blackmailing us, Jack. 584 00:25:15,906 --> 00:25:17,106 That's why she didn't tell Lori. 585 00:25:17,107 --> 00:25:18,574 - Oh, God. - Right? 586 00:25:18,575 --> 00:25:20,176 - Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Oh, my God. 587 00:25:20,177 --> 00:25:22,045 Oh, my God. 588 00:25:22,046 --> 00:25:24,847 Oh. Oh, don't be sad, Jack. 589 00:25:24,848 --> 00:25:27,517 You get to be dean 590 00:25:27,518 --> 00:25:30,720 and I get to be class president. 591 00:25:30,721 --> 00:25:34,590 And whatever else pops into my silly, wonderful head. 592 00:25:34,591 --> 00:25:36,726 - Whoo! - Oh, no. 593 00:25:36,727 --> 00:25:39,262 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 594 00:25:39,263 --> 00:25:40,596 No, no, no. 41775

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