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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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Then what are you doing here?
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- I'm looking for a girl.
- I knew it!
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Who was that chick who got dropped off
5
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at your house two nights ago?
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She's my niece. Jackie.
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We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
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Will Jack's niece be joining us?
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- Jack's niece?
- What is her name again?
10
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- Oh, uh, Izzy?
- Izzy.
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Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
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00:00:26,285 --> 00:00:28,019
Andy, why'd you follow me here
13
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- to... to my uncle's house?
- Right.
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Uncle Jack.
15
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You are too good for me. You know?
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Yeah. You know what? I think you're right.
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You're not gonna make me
drink this all by myself,
18
00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:41,278
right?
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00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:46,222
I've been working crazy hours
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00:00:46,224 --> 00:00:48,640
on this huge pitch for
a... a fancy new theater
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00:00:48,641 --> 00:00:50,332
at The Hamilton School, where Jack works?
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00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:51,799
There's a million people
I could come to for advice.
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00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:53,830
I come to you. I have a
lot on my plate right now.
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00:00:53,832 --> 00:00:55,080
What?! Ow.
25
00:00:55,082 --> 00:00:57,381
We agree that this is a
business arrangement, right?
26
00:00:57,382 --> 00:00:59,517
- You never cashed the check?
- No.
27
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I love us.
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You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.
29
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Me too.
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Me three.
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What are you thinking?
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00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:39,334
What are you thinking?
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I'm thinking that a college student
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slept between us in our bed last night.
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Yeah. After we all had sex together.
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00:01:46,963 --> 00:01:48,899
I think that... that's
the headline, honey.
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Right.
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And she's still here.
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She's in the bedroom while
we're gonna head off to work.
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I... I feel weird about that.
Is it weird that I feel weird?
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Remember that recurring
dream I kept having,
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where we were both in that Porsche,
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like 90 miles an hour,
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laughing and drinking,
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00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:05,754
and then we look at each other,
46
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and we realize that
we're both in the backseat
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00:02:07,553 --> 00:02:08,919
and nobody's at the wheel?
48
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,388
Yeah. You had that dream again?
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00:02:10,389 --> 00:02:11,856
I need you to tell me that we're not
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in the backseat while our life
51
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is just crashing through a guardrail,
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down a mountain to a fiery, horrible end.
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No. Here, we made a choice.
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This was a choice, here.
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We... we did it with our eyes open
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and our hands on the wheel.
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We knew what we were
doing. And w... we can...
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And what we do next is... is up to us.
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Yeah.
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00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,276
Wait. Did you just shrink me?
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I don't know what you're talking about.
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But your hour is up.
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00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:40,752
Easy, tiger. We're gonna be late.
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00:02:41,053 --> 00:02:43,444
Well, your hand down
my pants is sending me
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00:02:43,449 --> 00:02:44,422
a pretty mixed message
right now, I have to admit.
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Oh, well, look at that.
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- Yeah.
- My bad.
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Thanks.
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00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:55,499
So, d... did we all profess
our love to each other
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00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,368
last night, or did I just imagine that?
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I had time to sift through the forensics
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while inspecting the ceiling last night,
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00:03:00,572 --> 00:03:02,707
and here's what I came up with...
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Izzy said, "I love us."
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Not you, not me, us.
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Like the three of us, together.
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Right. So when we said it back,
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00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,916
we didn't really mean "I love you,"
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00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:14,585
we just were celebrating?
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00:03:14,586 --> 00:03:17,922
Us, the situation, the
three of us together.
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Okay.
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00:03:19,391 --> 00:03:20,458
What does that mean, "the
three of us together"?
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00:03:20,459 --> 00:03:21,792
Are you referring to like
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00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,794
us actually physically
together in the bed,
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00:03:23,795 --> 00:03:26,864
or, like, are we a...
are we together, together?
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00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:29,400
Like the three of us could be dating?
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00:03:29,401 --> 00:03:31,802
Like the three of us
are seeing each other?
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00:03:31,803 --> 00:03:33,671
I mean, I don't even know how
that would work, physically.
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00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,806
How could we... ? If we
walk down the sidewalk,
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people wouldn't be able to get around us.
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00:03:38,744 --> 00:03:40,211
Like, society would crumble.
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The whole pedestrian system
w... would fall apart.
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I mean, would Izzy sit between us
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at the movies and hold a pop-corn
95
00:03:46,084 --> 00:03:47,551
What about Christmas and Thanksgiving?
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00:03:47,552 --> 00:03:49,420
Would she come with us, with our families,
97
00:03:49,421 --> 00:03:51,489
sitting down at dinner?
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00:03:52,491 --> 00:03:55,826
And we are back to the
fiery, horrible end.
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00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:08,773
Ugh.
100
00:04:08,774 --> 00:04:13,511
God damn it, you slut.
101
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,719
Oh, hello worst decision ever.
102
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Hey, listen. I'm sorry, okay?
103
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If it helps, I kind of
hate myself right now, too.
104
00:04:29,461 --> 00:04:31,462
You know, I'm not that guy
and you're not that girl.
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00:04:31,463 --> 00:04:34,398
- It's just...
- We are what we do, Andrew,
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the accumulation of our choices.
107
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Hey, Nina.
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Can we just agree to blame Izzy
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and move on with our lives
like this never happened?
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Definitely.
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There they are.
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Hi, my two lovers.
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Hey.
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Sorry.
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Lovers.
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I'm totally gonna rock that word
117
00:05:01,626 --> 00:05:03,093
and just put the onus on everybody
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to figure out if I'm being serious or not.
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00:05:05,363 --> 00:05:07,298
- Hi.
- Hi.
120
00:05:10,302 --> 00:05:13,370
Well, someone's having quite the morning.
121
00:05:13,371 --> 00:05:14,972
Hmm?
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I copped a feel, too, so...
123
00:05:16,975 --> 00:05:18,042
You did?
124
00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:19,376
He's doing very well this morning.
125
00:05:19,377 --> 00:05:20,978
Well, that hardly seems fair.
126
00:05:20,979 --> 00:05:22,980
Two cops?
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00:05:22,981 --> 00:05:25,717
You look really nice.
128
00:05:27,385 --> 00:05:29,787
- Okay, wow. Um...
- What?
129
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,789
Uh, I, uh...
130
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,123
You're adorable,
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especially when you stammer like that.
132
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Okay. Okay. I... this? This area here
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- is, uh, closed for business because I got to run.
- Okay.
134
00:05:45,937 --> 00:05:47,938
I have really big prelim
presentation at The Hamilton School.
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00:05:47,939 --> 00:05:50,741
Wait, wait, wait. I thought...
I thought we could play hooky.
136
00:05:50,742 --> 00:05:54,078
I was lying in bed, formulating
a plan for an awesome day.
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00:05:54,079 --> 00:05:57,147
Thought we could hit The Pearl.
138
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,550
Throw back a pilsner, maybe seven,
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00:05:59,551 --> 00:06:02,086
get the sunlight buzz going on.
140
00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:03,554
You know? Or maybe we could...
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00:06:03,555 --> 00:06:04,755
we could go somewhere else, maybe.
142
00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:06,891
Yeah? Yeah?
143
00:06:06,892 --> 00:06:10,094
We have jobs to go to in the adult world.
144
00:06:10,095 --> 00:06:13,163
It's the big week for me, with
this whole dean thing happening.
145
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:17,568
It's my Alumni Board is
reviewing me this week.
146
00:06:17,569 --> 00:06:18,903
Oh, yeah?
147
00:06:18,904 --> 00:06:21,438
What, were you guys
148
00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:23,307
like talking behind my back or something?
149
00:06:23,308 --> 00:06:25,175
Well, Isabelle, we're married,
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00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,177
so we're kind of talking
behind the whole world's back,
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00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,646
like every day, all the time, so...
152
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"Isabelle"? What the fuck is that?
153
00:06:30,115 --> 00:06:31,448
Right. We were... we were...
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It was mostly good things.
155
00:06:33,051 --> 00:06:34,785
Oh, yeah? Like what?
156
00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,253
Hmm?
157
00:06:36,254 --> 00:06:39,056
Think I'll call you
Asshole and Other Asshole.
158
00:06:39,057 --> 00:06:40,658
How's that?
159
00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:41,992
I think maybe you should...
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00:06:41,993 --> 00:06:43,727
should calm down a little bit. That's...
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00:06:43,728 --> 00:06:46,130
I'm sure that's very easy for you to say.
162
00:06:46,131 --> 00:06:48,132
You're not the one being
treated like the one-night stand
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00:06:48,133 --> 00:06:49,600
who lingered too long.
164
00:06:49,601 --> 00:06:51,735
Izzy, I'm sorry.
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00:06:51,736 --> 00:06:54,004
I do not want to make you feel that way.
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00:06:54,005 --> 00:06:56,273
I mean, and, seriously, last night was...
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00:06:56,274 --> 00:06:58,676
It was like one of the
best nights of my life.
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00:06:58,677 --> 00:07:00,277
Yeah. Me too. This is...
169
00:07:00,278 --> 00:07:02,480
We just have to go to
work. That's all this is.
170
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,285
Uh, guys, could I get a could ride, or...
171
00:07:08,286 --> 00:07:10,821
or do you want me just to call my pimp?
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00:07:10,822 --> 00:07:13,424
I have a... you can...
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I can take you.
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00:07:19,497 --> 00:07:21,765
What happened here?
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00:07:26,171 --> 00:07:27,905
Hey, what the hell?!
176
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,307
What, you want to make
some more small talk?
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00:07:30,308 --> 00:07:32,443
Oh, I'm sorry if ordinary
adult conversation
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00:07:32,444 --> 00:07:34,578
is too pedantic and bourgeois for you.
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00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,447
Oh, fine.
180
00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:39,116
How goes the architecting?
What is your favorite season?
181
00:07:39,117 --> 00:07:41,652
Are you binge-watching
anything interesting lately?
182
00:07:41,653 --> 00:07:43,654
How about those Blazers, huh?
183
00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:47,257
All that playing and shooting
or whatever else they do?
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00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,327
You're right.
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00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:51,929
This is so much better
than actually saying
186
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,331
what we're actually fucking thinking.
187
00:07:54,332 --> 00:07:55,799
Holy shit!
188
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,068
It's Izzy. Um...
189
00:07:58,069 --> 00:08:00,471
- What?
- It's time to scoot.
190
00:08:00,472 --> 00:08:02,606
- It's time to go home, now.
- Just move!
191
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,608
Don't. I, um...
192
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,210
That... that's nice. Thank you.
193
00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:07,811
Thank you for the effort, kiddo.
194
00:08:07,812 --> 00:08:09,279
Don't mention it, Other Asshole.
195
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,150
Izzy seems a bit with
miffed, uh, Aunt Emma.
196
00:08:13,151 --> 00:08:15,686
You really need to go, like now.
197
00:08:15,687 --> 00:08:17,021
No, no, no, no.
198
00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:19,690
Ah!
199
00:08:19,691 --> 00:08:21,158
For the record... you made an effort.
200
00:08:21,159 --> 00:08:23,361
You tried, but I'm gonna watch this.
201
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:27,031
Ugh.
202
00:08:27,032 --> 00:08:29,166
What... what's this? Are...
are you having a stroke?
203
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:32,369
Just... I don't know. Uh, maybe?
204
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,371
Look, it's a lot, Izzy.
205
00:08:34,372 --> 00:08:36,373
I mean, it is so much.
206
00:08:36,374 --> 00:08:38,108
I... I... I'm just...
207
00:08:38,109 --> 00:08:40,511
I'm trying to sort
through it and make sense.
208
00:08:40,512 --> 00:08:42,847
I'm fucking terrified.
209
00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,650
Are you too scared?
210
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,319
I don't know.
211
00:08:50,388 --> 00:08:51,923
Maybe.
212
00:08:55,727 --> 00:08:57,061
Don't forget, though.
213
00:08:57,062 --> 00:08:58,529
Forget what?
214
00:09:13,878 --> 00:09:15,546
That.
215
00:09:26,291 --> 00:09:27,692
Fuck.
216
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:51,849
Fuck!
217
00:09:58,323 --> 00:10:00,190
You know what, Andy?
218
00:10:00,191 --> 00:10:02,192
I'm really not in the fucking
mood to do this or whatever.
219
00:10:02,193 --> 00:10:04,595
My, my, my.
220
00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:07,264
You kiss your aunt with that mouth?
221
00:10:07,265 --> 00:10:08,666
What?
222
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,870
One more thing... um...
223
00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:15,272
eat shit.
224
00:10:15,273 --> 00:10:17,208
And lose my fucking number.
225
00:10:19,677 --> 00:10:21,479
That's actually two things.
226
00:10:23,548 --> 00:10:25,549
You got me.
227
00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:27,485
You really got me.
228
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:30,688
Fuck.
229
00:10:40,632 --> 00:10:42,366
We got a problem, too?
230
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:44,768
Uh, no.
231
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,171
Y... you can nuke that.
232
00:10:47,172 --> 00:10:48,505
He left very suddenly
233
00:10:48,506 --> 00:10:50,975
after watching you
make out with your aunt.
234
00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:06,056
- Do I really have to ask?
- Ask what?
235
00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:08,392
What Andy was doing here.
236
00:11:08,393 --> 00:11:09,993
W... wh... he was about
to have a cup of coffee.
237
00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:11,061
Did I not just say that?
238
00:11:11,062 --> 00:11:12,396
Andy came all the way over here
239
00:11:12,397 --> 00:11:14,665
to have coffee at 7:30 a.m.?
240
00:11:14,666 --> 00:11:17,601
Yeah. It's a pretty
common time for coffee.
241
00:11:17,602 --> 00:11:19,603
You work nights and your
first class is at noon.
242
00:11:19,604 --> 00:11:21,471
You don't even know what 7:30 looks like.
243
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,740
Has it occurred to you that
maybe Andy knocking on the door
244
00:11:23,741 --> 00:11:25,209
is the reason that I woke up?
245
00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:27,878
Or maybe I had to study.
246
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,069
So which is it?
247
00:11:29,071 --> 00:11:30,277
Oh, pick one.
248
00:11:30,279 --> 00:11:33,078
- Stop it.
- Stop what, dearest?
249
00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:34,569
That.
250
00:11:34,571 --> 00:11:37,142
Oh, you mean, um, the
passive-aggressive calm?
251
00:11:37,143 --> 00:11:39,195
See, I'm just trying not to kill you
252
00:11:39,197 --> 00:11:41,358
for smearing your mental
breakdown all over me.
253
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:43,093
If I make it all the way over there
254
00:11:43,094 --> 00:11:44,561
and those stupid-ass glasses
255
00:11:44,562 --> 00:11:46,163
are still on that stupid-ass face,
256
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,298
I'm gonna break them into tiny pieces
257
00:11:48,299 --> 00:11:50,968
and shove each and every
one up your self-righteous...
258
00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:54,304
If you so much as touch
259
00:11:54,305 --> 00:11:56,039
my very excellent glasses,
260
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,774
I'm gonna beat you until my arms go numb,
261
00:11:57,775 --> 00:11:59,509
at which point, the kicking will commence.
262
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,711
Is that right?
263
00:12:00,712 --> 00:12:02,179
'Cause you look pretty hungover.
264
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:03,647
I'm sure I could take you.
265
00:12:03,648 --> 00:12:05,515
Okay. All right.
266
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,784
Try it. I dare you.
267
00:12:18,997 --> 00:12:20,597
- Don't. Don't.
- I'm not.
268
00:12:20,598 --> 00:12:23,267
- Don't cry.
- I'm trying not to.
269
00:12:23,268 --> 00:12:25,535
That is not fair, okay?
270
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,938
Is it working?
271
00:12:31,276 --> 00:12:33,077
Get over here.
272
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:38,749
Come here.
273
00:12:43,421 --> 00:12:46,290
Um, so is this just about Andy?
274
00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:51,028
No. It's about me.
275
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:54,631
I just think Andy was collateral damage.
276
00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:58,573
That's a... that's a pithy
line. You care to elaborate?
277
00:13:03,308 --> 00:13:05,309
Oh, man.
278
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:09,046
So... last night,
279
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:12,049
I had the first threesome of my life.
280
00:13:13,851 --> 00:13:15,719
It was pretty amazing.
281
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,187
Actually, I need a better word for that
282
00:13:17,188 --> 00:13:19,589
'cause I use that for,
like, sour Jelly Bellys
283
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,526
and boots and pretty much everything else.
284
00:13:22,527 --> 00:13:25,329
This was like...
285
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:26,797
like transformative.
286
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:29,066
I'm... I'm pretty sure
my hair had an orgasm.
287
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,068
Okay.
288
00:13:31,069 --> 00:13:33,870
So, you got it on with
your aunt and uncle.
289
00:13:33,871 --> 00:13:34,805
Whoo-hoo.
290
00:13:34,806 --> 00:13:36,940
Please stop calling them that.
291
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:39,343
Okay. So you and this...
this married couple
292
00:13:39,344 --> 00:13:40,677
that you're dating.
293
00:13:40,678 --> 00:13:42,012
That's... that's the thing.
294
00:13:42,013 --> 00:13:44,147
That's the problem.
Like, we're not dating.
295
00:13:44,148 --> 00:13:46,550
We're not becoming
anything, like a throuple,
296
00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:48,018
or whatever the fuck you call it.
297
00:13:48,019 --> 00:13:49,219
I don't know. We're just like...
298
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,823
Yeah. You're a business arrangement.
299
00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:55,625
Not anymore.
300
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,028
What?
301
00:13:58,029 --> 00:14:00,697
I kind of ripped up the check.
302
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,301
You... I...
303
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:07,904
Okay. I must have, like,
premium vodka in my ears
304
00:14:07,905 --> 00:14:09,373
because I swear that you just said
305
00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:10,574
that you ripped up the check.
306
00:14:10,575 --> 00:14:11,908
That's crazy.
307
00:14:11,909 --> 00:14:14,444
Yeah, 'cause I'm not a prostitute, so...
308
00:14:14,445 --> 00:14:15,779
Oh.
309
00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:18,181
Okay. So, then, what are you?
310
00:14:18,182 --> 00:14:20,450
Well, uh, I guess, at this point,
311
00:14:20,451 --> 00:14:22,319
I'm just...
312
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,655
their booty call?
313
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:26,857
I don't know.
314
00:14:26,858 --> 00:14:30,594
Hey, those assholes, they led you on.
315
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,863
They... they made you think
316
00:14:32,864 --> 00:14:36,466
that it could become
something that it's not,
317
00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:38,602
which makes you a
fucking idiot, no offense.
318
00:14:38,603 --> 00:14:41,671
How is that not offensive?
319
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,807
You're their Andy, okay?
320
00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:47,277
Their plaything, someone
that you keep "on simmer."
321
00:14:47,278 --> 00:14:48,745
So what? You're suggesting what,
322
00:14:48,746 --> 00:14:50,480
like karmic justice here, or something?
323
00:14:50,481 --> 00:14:53,950
Yeah. I mean, if the
asshat fits, then wear it.
324
00:14:53,951 --> 00:14:56,753
I get you're trying to do
like the tough-love thing here,
325
00:14:56,754 --> 00:14:59,022
but, like, you really suck at this.
326
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:02,092
Or am I amazing, nay,
transformative, right?
327
00:15:02,093 --> 00:15:03,160
- You're not.
- Yes, I am.
328
00:15:03,161 --> 00:15:04,494
You are absolutely not.
329
00:15:04,495 --> 00:15:05,962
I am good at this.
330
00:15:05,963 --> 00:15:09,032
I am the cold, hard truth, Izzy.
331
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:11,034
Maybe the cold and the hard.
332
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,769
Aw.
333
00:15:12,770 --> 00:15:15,572
I'm gonna miss this when
you're institutionalized,
334
00:15:15,573 --> 00:15:17,707
when they lock you up.
335
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,911
The banter. We're so good at it.
336
00:15:20,912 --> 00:15:22,446
I love you.
337
00:15:24,916 --> 00:15:26,249
I love you, too.
338
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:30,921
And I...
339
00:15:30,922 --> 00:15:34,458
fucked Andy, um... and I got to go.
340
00:15:36,527 --> 00:15:39,130
Bye.
341
00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,000
It's gonna take me a second
342
00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:46,803
to digest all this information.
343
00:15:46,804 --> 00:15:48,004
Looks like it's gonna take you a month
344
00:15:48,005 --> 00:15:50,074
to digest that crรชpe-wrapped cow.
345
00:15:52,143 --> 00:15:53,477
That's so gross, man.
346
00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:55,479
- What's in yours?
- Healthy stuff.
347
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,481
Hmm? With your special sauce of estrogen
348
00:15:57,482 --> 00:15:59,349
and your big brother's disappointment?
349
00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:00,684
Can you, like, close your mouth?
350
00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:02,018
There's people here that don't...
351
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:04,421
Enjoy your life, dude, okay?
352
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,423
- Swallow it whole.
- I am.
353
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,692
And stop surviving.
354
00:16:08,693 --> 00:16:10,827
Start living.
355
00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:12,829
I am living.
356
00:16:12,830 --> 00:16:14,297
You're saying I shouldn't be afraid
357
00:16:14,298 --> 00:16:16,566
of going public with Izzy?
358
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,102
Should just kind of
like show her as we are
359
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,371
and... and face the consequences?
360
00:16:21,372 --> 00:16:22,706
- Jesus!
- Ow.
361
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,443
Listen, you dumb-ass.
362
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,044
You and Emma are not gonna openly
363
00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:29,513
add a third person to your marriage
364
00:16:29,514 --> 00:16:31,114
and flaunt that shit all over Portland!
365
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,449
Well, keep your fucking voice down.
366
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,584
Let alone anywhere near my family.
367
00:16:34,585 --> 00:16:36,186
Jesus, you're so riled up over this.
368
00:16:36,187 --> 00:16:37,654
- God.
- It's my life.
369
00:16:37,655 --> 00:16:39,389
Look. You're gonna lose your job, okay?
370
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:40,991
The three of you are
gonna be a freak show.
371
00:16:40,992 --> 00:16:42,993
You're gonna be on
"Good Morning, America."
372
00:16:42,994 --> 00:16:45,795
People are gonna throw fake blood on you
373
00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,264
- in the streets!
- Why would...
374
00:16:47,265 --> 00:16:48,732
First of all, keep your
fucking voice down, okay?
375
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,333
Don't tell me fucking what to do.
376
00:16:50,334 --> 00:16:52,335
Secondly, why would they be
throwing fake blood on us?
377
00:16:52,336 --> 00:16:53,670
What are we, like we
have furs on or something?
378
00:16:53,671 --> 00:16:55,272
- Whatever.
- Think about what you're saying.
379
00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:57,140
- Whatever.
- Your analogies make no sense.
380
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,475
Listen, okay?
381
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,744
You're gonna endure public ridicule.
382
00:17:00,745 --> 00:17:02,479
You're gonna be cast out.
383
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,614
You're going to be a weirdo.
384
00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:07,551
W... we are living in
Portland, asshole, okay?
385
00:17:07,552 --> 00:17:09,152
Not Afghanistan.
386
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:12,622
Dude, we're even, by the
way. Okay? 1-1. Truce.
387
00:17:15,426 --> 00:17:17,561
This isn't fun sober!
388
00:17:17,562 --> 00:17:18,762
It's not supposed to be fun, Nina!
389
00:17:18,763 --> 00:17:19,829
I'm kicking your ass!
390
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:20,897
Ow!
391
00:17:20,898 --> 00:17:21,965
Ow. Ow.
392
00:17:21,966 --> 00:17:24,100
Are you? Are you really?
393
00:17:24,101 --> 00:17:25,168
No. Ow. No, no, no.
394
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,903
Not the hands. Not the hands.
395
00:17:26,904 --> 00:17:28,772
Don't you dare. You do that,
396
00:17:28,773 --> 00:17:30,106
you're gonna have to kill me first.
397
00:17:30,107 --> 00:17:31,308
Ah!
398
00:17:31,309 --> 00:17:33,577
Ah! Ow, my boob!
399
00:17:33,578 --> 00:17:35,979
- Yeah.
- Ow.
400
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:37,581
Ow! I can't breathe.
401
00:17:37,582 --> 00:17:39,583
Roommates who break girl code
402
00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:41,451
do not get oxygen!
403
00:17:41,452 --> 00:17:43,453
Ow. Ow.
404
00:17:43,454 --> 00:17:44,654
Ow.
405
00:17:44,655 --> 00:17:46,389
- Give it to me.
- No, no, no, no.
406
00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,457
Ow, ow, ow. Not my hand.
407
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:49,059
- Oh. Oh, my God!
- Drop it.
408
00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:50,660
Stop hitting yourself.
Oh, my God! You're crazy!
409
00:17:50,661 --> 00:17:52,529
Not my nipple! You know
that they're sensitive!
410
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,130
Aaaah! Tater Tots!
411
00:17:54,131 --> 00:17:55,865
- No safe words.
- Tater Tots!
412
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,001
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't punch you
413
00:17:58,002 --> 00:18:00,537
- in the vag right now.
- Timeout, okay?
414
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:03,073
I smoked way too much weed for this.
415
00:18:03,074 --> 00:18:05,676
Timeout. Timeout.
416
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,947
Oh, my boob.
417
00:18:18,823 --> 00:18:21,891
He brought the really good vodka, Iz.
418
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,627
And his dick?
419
00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,228
Point being, he was on a mission, okay?
420
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,696
Yeah, duh.
421
00:18:26,697 --> 00:18:28,832
You couldn't intuit
that, future psychologist?
422
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:30,834
Yeah, you'd think, but
it only occurred to me
423
00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,840
soon after my first orgasm.
424
00:18:33,523 --> 00:18:34,554
Your first?
425
00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:36,640
Kid's got game.
426
00:18:40,177 --> 00:18:41,911
Of course he does.
427
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:45,248
Never stuck long enough to find out.
428
00:18:46,717 --> 00:18:48,585
Blew it with a good guy,
who's also nondouchey,
429
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,788
handsome, and, apparently,
screws like a porn star.
430
00:18:51,789 --> 00:18:54,190
This is good. This is... this is good.
431
00:18:54,191 --> 00:18:55,726
Everything's working out.
432
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,730
It was a mistake, okay?
433
00:19:00,731 --> 00:19:02,065
We both agreed,
434
00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:04,734
and he's still yours for the having...
435
00:19:04,735 --> 00:19:07,270
if you want him.
436
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:11,141
He's... he's pissed,
but he'll get over it.
437
00:19:11,142 --> 00:19:13,587
Did you hear me?
438
00:19:13,588 --> 00:19:15,588
Loud and clear.
439
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,348
No one is gonna let their
daughter be counseled
440
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,017
by an infamous sexual deviant.
441
00:19:21,018 --> 00:19:22,619
Come on.
442
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:25,689
Why couldn't you have
just kept it in a box, hmm?
443
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:26,890
We tried.
444
00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:28,892
You know, the occasional kinky fun
445
00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:31,695
behind closed doors.
446
00:19:31,696 --> 00:19:33,296
Listen, man,
447
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:37,701
we love having you guys
over, right, you know that?
448
00:19:37,702 --> 00:19:39,436
But you know that Marie's
449
00:19:39,437 --> 00:19:42,372
never gonna be okay with this.
450
00:19:42,373 --> 00:19:45,842
Nobody is. Hmm?
451
00:19:45,843 --> 00:19:47,310
Just look in their eyes.
452
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:48,912
You know what?
453
00:19:48,913 --> 00:19:50,780
We should've insisted she keep the money.
454
00:19:50,781 --> 00:19:52,649
That put a label on things.
455
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,719
Now, the whole arrangement
is just so ambiguous.
456
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,053
You're damn right it is.
457
00:19:57,054 --> 00:19:58,655
It's time to take that genie
458
00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,523
and jam it right back in the bottle, okay?
459
00:20:00,524 --> 00:20:03,460
She doesn't accept the money, it's over.
460
00:20:03,461 --> 00:20:05,862
Come on, Jack.
461
00:20:05,863 --> 00:20:07,330
Please tell me that
you're not still pining
462
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,932
for that married couple.
463
00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:11,802
I'm not still pining
for that married couple.
464
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,872
You said please.
465
00:20:15,873 --> 00:20:17,741
Okay, I can't believe I'm
actually indulging this,
466
00:20:17,742 --> 00:20:20,543
but, um, what happened this morning,
467
00:20:20,544 --> 00:20:23,814
after your "transformative"
threesome last night?
468
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,085
I don't know.
469
00:20:31,222 --> 00:20:34,691
I was just thinking about how
470
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,695
we only have sex, right?
471
00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:41,097
And that... I don't know...
no matter how crazy it sounds,
472
00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:44,300
I just...
473
00:20:44,301 --> 00:20:45,902
I think we're bigger than that.
474
00:20:45,903 --> 00:20:47,771
For the record, that's like way up there
475
00:20:47,772 --> 00:20:50,707
on the crazy scale, like
you-scare-me crazy, but...
476
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,175
It's not crazy.
477
00:20:52,176 --> 00:20:53,777
I asked them to play hooky
478
00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,512
so we could day-drink
and hang out at The Pearl.
479
00:20:55,513 --> 00:20:58,181
It's a fucking good day.
480
00:20:58,744 --> 00:21:01,250
All right. Just... just forget
481
00:21:01,252 --> 00:21:03,386
that they are a married
couple for a second
482
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,777
- and think of them as the guy.
- Okay.
483
00:21:05,778 --> 00:21:08,565
Okay, so you had sex with the guy
484
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:10,727
that you met like three days ago,
485
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,396
but instead of playing
it cool and skedaddling,
486
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:14,998
you hang around his apartment
487
00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:16,332
and ask him to spend the day with you?
488
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:18,334
- Is... does that sound right?
- Ohhh.
489
00:21:18,335 --> 00:21:20,069
You asked a married couple
490
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:23,006
to go on a very public
daylight date with you.
491
00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:25,008
I just...
492
00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:27,611
I don't see how that
could make anybody anxious.
493
00:21:30,214 --> 00:21:31,414
Yeah.
494
00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:32,882
Ohh.
495
00:21:32,883 --> 00:21:35,685
I scared the shit out of them, didn't I?
496
00:21:35,686 --> 00:21:37,554
Yeah. You did.
497
00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:43,159
The knee-jerk inclination is to
make any new structure blend in
498
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,028
with the overall Hamilton
Prep School aesthetic,
499
00:21:45,029 --> 00:21:47,163
but this is a different beast.
500
00:21:47,164 --> 00:21:49,833
Here are a few examples
of recently completed
501
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,101
high-school theaters across the country.
502
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:54,103
They're bold, splashy,
503
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,906
standing out by design
apologizing to no one.
504
00:21:56,907 --> 00:21:59,709
Theater and choir students
are proudly different.
505
00:21:59,710 --> 00:22:02,111
They're not like everybody
else and they don't want to be.
506
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,446
The building should reflect that.
507
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,048
Oh, and, Dean Weinstock,
508
00:22:05,049 --> 00:22:06,916
did I mention the
creative-freedom discount?
509
00:22:06,917 --> 00:22:08,651
As our senior partner likes to say,
510
00:22:08,652 --> 00:22:11,187
"Make coin or make a splash."
511
00:22:11,188 --> 00:22:13,056
Ideally, both?
512
00:22:13,057 --> 00:22:15,458
Well, that gets my name on
the door. Everybody wins.
513
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:18,795
Our competitors tell you
otherwise, they're full of shit.
514
00:22:18,796 --> 00:22:20,530
Oh, did... did I just say "shit"?
515
00:22:20,531 --> 00:22:23,733
I meant to say malarkey or
something equally folksy.
516
00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,203
Very well done, Mrs. Trakarsky.
517
00:22:27,204 --> 00:22:28,404
Thank you.
518
00:22:34,011 --> 00:22:37,080
- We're kind of on fire.
- I know, right?
519
00:22:37,081 --> 00:22:39,749
Hawthorne's latest and
greatest power couple.
520
00:22:39,750 --> 00:22:42,018
I mean, I'm gonna be dean,
you're gonna be partner,
521
00:22:42,019 --> 00:22:44,554
and maybe we can try to have a baby.
522
00:22:44,555 --> 00:22:46,155
Well, everything good
or bad happens in threes.
523
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:48,024
Right?
524
00:22:51,762 --> 00:22:53,763
Got some advice from Gabe today.
525
00:22:53,764 --> 00:22:55,365
Let me guess... we
should save our marriage
526
00:22:55,366 --> 00:22:57,233
by having a foursome.
527
00:22:57,234 --> 00:22:59,636
He basically said that, you know,
528
00:22:59,637 --> 00:23:01,237
we totally screwed up by taking the money
529
00:23:01,238 --> 00:23:02,839
out of the relationship with Izzy.
530
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,508
The money's what kept it a
finite business arrangement.
531
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:08,044
Good, old-fashioned,
American sex for hire,
532
00:23:08,045 --> 00:23:11,648
not... whatever we've let this become.
533
00:23:11,649 --> 00:23:14,050
He also said that if it ever
became anything more than that,
534
00:23:14,051 --> 00:23:16,452
that he and Marie would
totally cut us off.
535
00:23:16,453 --> 00:23:17,921
So did Carmen.
536
00:23:17,922 --> 00:23:19,923
So did Dave.
537
00:23:24,728 --> 00:23:26,729
Crazy thing is, it worked.
538
00:23:26,730 --> 00:23:29,265
The plan worked. I mean,
I don't know about you.
539
00:23:29,266 --> 00:23:31,401
It feels to me like we're
having the best sex of our lives.
540
00:23:31,402 --> 00:23:33,803
Yeah.
541
00:23:33,804 --> 00:23:37,006
- Right?
- Yeah.
542
00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:39,409
Jack, where's it possibly
gonna go from here?
543
00:23:39,410 --> 00:23:42,412
I mean, h... how does she
realistically fit into our...
544
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:44,667
our work, our jobs, our lives?
545
00:23:45,683 --> 00:23:49,152
But we knew that going in, you know?
546
00:23:49,153 --> 00:23:50,620
She kind of erased the boundaries
547
00:23:50,621 --> 00:23:52,689
when she tore up that check.
548
00:23:54,491 --> 00:23:56,893
It's like she thinks we're dating,
549
00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:58,761
like this could be something permanent.
550
00:23:58,762 --> 00:24:00,229
I know.
551
00:24:00,230 --> 00:24:01,564
All right. So what's our move?
552
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:03,566
We just invite her over
553
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:07,036
and tell her she's got to take the money.
554
00:24:07,037 --> 00:24:09,172
Yeah. Or... or it's over.
555
00:24:09,173 --> 00:24:12,241
- Or it's over, right?
- Yeah.
556
00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:14,911
So why aren't we just
walking away from this?
557
00:24:17,982 --> 00:24:19,849
- Mom?
- What was that?
558
00:24:19,850 --> 00:24:22,518
Did you hear that?
559
00:24:22,519 --> 00:24:24,921
That sounded a lot like...
560
00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:26,389
I'm sorry.
561
00:24:26,390 --> 00:24:28,524
I think I must've butt-dialed you.
562
00:24:28,525 --> 00:24:33,196
No, no, it's all good.
563
00:24:33,197 --> 00:24:35,465
Yeah. See you when I get home.
564
00:24:35,466 --> 00:24:37,066
Bye.
565
00:24:37,067 --> 00:24:39,068
Hey.
566
00:24:39,069 --> 00:24:40,937
Sweetheart, I... I don't know
what you think you heard...
567
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:43,072
You mean the part about
Izzy not being your niece,
568
00:24:43,073 --> 00:24:44,407
or the part about you guys paying her
569
00:24:44,408 --> 00:24:46,409
to have pervy, three-way sex with you?
570
00:24:46,410 --> 00:24:48,811
Wha... what? No, Ava. No.
571
00:24:48,812 --> 00:24:53,082
Silly, wonderful Ava.
572
00:24:53,083 --> 00:24:54,550
We... No.
573
00:24:54,551 --> 00:24:56,019
Um, we were walking down
and then we were talking
574
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,768
about something that was
totally not that at all.
575
00:24:58,770 --> 00:24:59,836
No, no, no.
576
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,491
Don't... don't waste my time, Jack,
577
00:25:01,492 --> 00:25:03,092
because I've got class in five.
578
00:25:03,093 --> 00:25:04,827
We got some negotiating to do, don't we?
579
00:25:04,828 --> 00:25:07,096
- It's Mr. Trakarsky.
- I'm pretty sure
580
00:25:07,097 --> 00:25:09,632
it's whatever I want it to be now.
581
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,367
Jack.
582
00:25:11,368 --> 00:25:13,236
Oh, God.
583
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:15,905
She's blackmailing us, Jack.
584
00:25:15,906 --> 00:25:17,106
That's why she didn't tell Lori.
585
00:25:17,107 --> 00:25:18,574
- Oh, God.
- Right?
586
00:25:18,575 --> 00:25:20,176
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
587
00:25:20,177 --> 00:25:22,045
Oh, my God.
588
00:25:22,046 --> 00:25:24,847
Oh. Oh, don't be sad, Jack.
589
00:25:24,848 --> 00:25:27,517
You get to be dean
590
00:25:27,518 --> 00:25:30,720
and I get to be class president.
591
00:25:30,721 --> 00:25:34,590
And whatever else pops into
my silly, wonderful head.
592
00:25:34,591 --> 00:25:36,726
- Whoo!
- Oh, no.
593
00:25:36,727 --> 00:25:39,262
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
594
00:25:39,263 --> 00:25:40,596
No, no, no.
41775
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