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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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I'm her uncle. She's...
3
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So, who was that chick who got dropped off
4
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at your house two nights ago?
5
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She's my niece. Jackie.
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We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
7
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Will Jack's niece be joining us?
8
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- Jack's niece?
- What is her name again?
9
00:00:23,669 --> 00:00:25,403
- Oh, uh, Izzy?
- Izzy.
10
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Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
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- Hey, Iz.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:30,076 --> 00:00:31,543
Everything all right?
13
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You think she's gonna come?
14
00:00:34,213 --> 00:00:35,947
Are you absolutely sure
that we've never met?
15
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[Shaun]: What the hell's in those woods?
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My aunt and my uncle.
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Ow! Fuck!
18
00:00:40,753 --> 00:00:42,754
- [pounds on door]
- Shit, she's here.
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00:00:42,755 --> 00:00:44,222
[Ava]: We both know something
weird is going on with them
20
00:00:44,223 --> 00:00:45,690
and the niece that fell from the sky.
21
00:00:45,691 --> 00:00:47,425
She's in there.
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[Izzy]: I've been going out of my mind
23
00:00:49,562 --> 00:00:52,631
thinking about a married
couple getting it on without me.
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00:00:52,632 --> 00:00:54,499
I'm jealous when you're with Andy.
25
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,368
I'm a jealous when you're with Jack.
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00:00:56,369 --> 00:00:58,037
- You are?
- Me too.
27
00:00:58,771 --> 00:01:01,774
I'm gonna ask you to tell me
exactly where you dropped her off.
28
00:01:02,909 --> 00:01:06,312
Has anyone in this room
ever had a threesome?
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[slow-tempo music plays]
30
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,720
[woman moaning]
31
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It's so porn-y.
32
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That's often the case with porn...
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00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:23,460
which is what happens when
you Google "threesome."
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Do guys actually want girls
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to sit full weight on
their face like that?
36
00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:28,800
I just... I thought that
was a figure of speech.
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- How can he breathe?
- It's not like he can see the chicks
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00:01:31,070 --> 00:01:32,537
making out or anything.
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00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:35,073
His face is... is... is totally covered.
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- I think that's the point.
- Oh, my God.
41
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I never knew porn could be this sad
42
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and funny at the same time.
43
00:01:40,813 --> 00:01:42,948
Hmm. You know what?
44
00:01:42,949 --> 00:01:45,551
Why don't we try to find some tips?
45
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You know, like,
46
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in Cosmo or Men's Health
47
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or The Smoking Jacket or something.
48
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Been doing some research?
49
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Well,
50
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I did some for... for me and Emma.
51
00:01:55,745 --> 00:01:57,348
Ooh, here's a blog...
52
00:01:57,350 --> 00:02:00,298
"Six Easy Steps to Your First Threesome."
53
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Here we go.
54
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:04,302
"Number one: Don't
overthink or overprepare.
55
00:02:04,304 --> 00:02:06,304
There's no right or wrong. Just dive in."
56
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Doesn't that void two through six?
57
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It does. It does.
58
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So we should just...
59
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Whoo!
60
00:02:16,449 --> 00:02:18,709
Okay, let's get this party started.
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00:02:18,711 --> 00:02:20,193
- No, don't do that.
- We're gonna raise the roof
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- in the bedroom!
- Em, Em, don't do that.
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What? Was that a joke, or are we...
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00:02:23,284 --> 00:02:25,123
- You were being serious?
- Yes, that was for real.
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00:02:25,124 --> 00:02:26,284
You don't need to... You don't need to...
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00:02:26,286 --> 00:02:27,212
What? Okay.
67
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,720
So I guess there is a right or wrong.
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Thanks.
69
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:34,777
But this thing... What's... What's...
70
00:02:35,158 --> 00:02:36,600
That's turning me on. What's that?
71
00:02:36,602 --> 00:02:37,951
Ah, this is her pout.
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She does this when she
wants to get her way.
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00:02:39,939 --> 00:02:41,976
See? Look at this. [Laughs]
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That's the one. You just
want to have sex with it.
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I do. I do!
76
00:02:45,411 --> 00:02:47,012
Okay, guys, I'm all pouted out.
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It's not...
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00:02:48,347 --> 00:02:49,814
So, should we take a shower?
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I don't know what's...
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Mm, I do love showers.
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And I... And I do love sex,
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but maybe we should just
keep those two things
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separate for tonight.
84
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S... so, what do we do?
85
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Eeee-uh...
86
00:03:02,624 --> 00:03:03,695
Kiss me.
87
00:03:03,696 --> 00:03:05,030
Oh.
88
00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:06,631
Me?
89
00:03:06,632 --> 00:03:07,900
Yeah.
90
00:03:09,302 --> 00:03:10,703
Do you want us...
91
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[chuckles]
92
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Well, here we go.
93
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[♪]
94
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[♪]
95
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♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba ♪
96
00:03:51,877 --> 00:03:54,213
[whimpering]
97
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,149
Sorry, bud. You got to go.
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00:03:58,261 --> 00:03:59,595
But he's so cute.
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Mm, he's also chronically flatulent.
100
00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:03,503
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
101
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:04,963
No.
102
00:04:11,097 --> 00:04:13,086
[clears throat]
103
00:04:13,583 --> 00:04:14,917
♪ If you know you look good ♪
104
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♪ You look good, baby ♪
105
00:04:16,575 --> 00:04:18,220
Hey, I think we're dancing.
106
00:04:18,222 --> 00:04:20,024
You think that's a good idea?
107
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Don't think so much.
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Just feel it.
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♪ If you know you look good ♪
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♪ You look good, baby ♪
111
00:04:26,045 --> 00:04:27,779
♪ Then, baby, take that photo ♪
112
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♪ And do it for the fun of it ♪
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Feel the music.
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00:04:30,716 --> 00:04:32,984
♪ Put it on the timer, yeah ♪
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00:04:32,985 --> 00:04:34,452
♪ If you know you look good ♪
116
00:04:34,453 --> 00:04:35,653
♪ You look good, baby ♪
117
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♪ Then, baby, take that photo ♪
118
00:04:38,591 --> 00:04:41,259
Okay. [Clears throat]
119
00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:42,994
This is after tequila.
120
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So, um...
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could you possibly maybe try just
122
00:04:47,804 --> 00:04:49,715
getting a little looser?
123
00:04:50,048 --> 00:04:52,737
Not so much shoulders and
just, like, in the body.
124
00:04:52,738 --> 00:04:55,659
Like... Like, you know...
Like, have some rhythm.
125
00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:58,046
- No. Why are you being so stiff with it?
- I'm... I'm doin' it.
126
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,478
Yeah, Emma, there you go.
127
00:05:00,746 --> 00:05:02,080
Oh, God.
128
00:05:02,081 --> 00:05:03,281
You know what? Nope.
129
00:05:03,282 --> 00:05:04,349
This... bad idea.
130
00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:05,950
Let's just kibosh the dancing.
131
00:05:05,951 --> 00:05:08,312
Well, in Jack's defense,
he's danced like eight times
132
00:05:08,314 --> 00:05:10,488
in the last 12 years, all of
them at weddings, so...
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00:05:10,489 --> 00:05:12,090
Yeah, and you guys
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00:05:12,091 --> 00:05:14,092
have to swear to me and the universe
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00:05:14,093 --> 00:05:17,829
that you are never
gonna dance again, okay?
136
00:05:19,165 --> 00:05:20,498
[both laugh]
137
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,532
Sorry. I... I didn't...
138
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:24,769
- It's wham!
- Yeah.
139
00:05:24,770 --> 00:05:26,771
- Wham!
- Never mind.
140
00:05:26,772 --> 00:05:28,502
Should we maybe try sitting?
141
00:05:28,504 --> 00:05:30,184
- Start with sitting?
- Yeah, yeah.
142
00:05:30,185 --> 00:05:32,185
All right.
143
00:05:33,179 --> 00:05:36,181
♪ Post it for me, babe ♪
144
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,919
[clears throat]
145
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,321
It's easier if we all
sit on the same side or...
146
00:05:43,322 --> 00:05:44,857
Yeah.
147
00:05:46,792 --> 00:05:49,194
- [clears throat]
- Oh, oh, I don't...
148
00:05:49,195 --> 00:05:50,261
I don't... Can you move over?
149
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,196
Oh. Sorry.
150
00:05:51,197 --> 00:05:52,263
Just a bit. Thanks.
151
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:54,199
I'll go in the middle.
152
00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:57,670
Just...
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00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:07,879
♪ 'Cause you... 'Cause you know ♪
154
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:09,080
♪ Come on ♪
155
00:06:09,081 --> 00:06:10,281
♪ If you know you look good ♪
156
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,483
♪ You look good, baby ♪
157
00:06:11,484 --> 00:06:13,885
♪ Then, baby, take that photo ♪
158
00:06:13,886 --> 00:06:15,487
♪ And do it for the fun of it ♪
159
00:06:15,488 --> 00:06:18,556
♪ Come on ♪
160
00:06:18,557 --> 00:06:20,425
♪ 'Cause, girl, you
know you look good ♪
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Wow.
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Wow.
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00:06:28,701 --> 00:06:30,435
Okay. [Chuckles]
164
00:06:30,436 --> 00:06:32,036
Oh. [Gasps]
165
00:06:32,037 --> 00:06:33,771
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:33,772 --> 00:06:36,975
Whoa. This could be, like,
the quickest threesome ever.
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00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:39,377
[♪]
168
00:06:39,378 --> 00:06:41,913
God damn it, man. I
gave you 80 fucking bucks
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to tell me exactly where
you dropped her off.
170
00:06:43,649 --> 00:06:45,383
What's the matter? Girl
fuckin' around on you?
171
00:06:45,384 --> 00:06:47,519
Hmm? Shh.
172
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,321
[whispering] Is somebody
gonna die tonight?
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What?! No, man.
174
00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:55,527
- N... no one's gonna die tonight.
- Oh. All right.
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00:06:55,528 --> 00:06:59,264
I mean, I'm sure some
people are gonna die tonight
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00:06:59,265 --> 00:07:01,399
here in Portland and around
the world or whatever,
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00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,401
but, no, you're not
gonna see me on "Dateline"
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00:07:03,402 --> 00:07:05,670
any time soon, okay?
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00:07:05,671 --> 00:07:08,873
I need to know if this Jack guy,
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00:07:08,874 --> 00:07:11,676
"the uncle," is really her uncle.
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00:07:11,677 --> 00:07:14,078
- Mm.
- I think she likes me.
182
00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:16,214
- Aww.
- I... I...
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00:07:16,215 --> 00:07:17,682
I know sh... I know she likes me.
184
00:07:17,683 --> 00:07:19,017
She's got some shit going on. That's okay.
185
00:07:19,018 --> 00:07:20,351
I don't need simple and easy.
186
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:21,953
Simple and easy's boring, right?
187
00:07:21,954 --> 00:07:23,021
You know what I think?
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00:07:23,022 --> 00:07:24,889
If you really care about her,
189
00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,758
I don't think you should be
following her around like this.
190
00:07:26,759 --> 00:07:28,626
I think you two should sit down,
191
00:07:28,627 --> 00:07:30,762
have a little tête-à -tête,
which is French.
192
00:07:30,763 --> 00:07:32,230
It means "head-to-head."
193
00:07:32,231 --> 00:07:33,698
I don't know if that's an osmosis thing
194
00:07:33,699 --> 00:07:35,166
or if it's just a symbol of,
195
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:37,702
"I'm willing to put
myself this close to you
196
00:07:37,703 --> 00:07:39,704
to get to know you, to get to know
197
00:07:39,705 --> 00:07:41,839
what's in your brains."
198
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,441
You need to talk to her like that.
199
00:07:43,442 --> 00:07:44,513
With all due respect,
200
00:07:44,515 --> 00:07:46,621
- um, I don't know your name, but...
- Shaun.
201
00:07:46,622 --> 00:07:49,846
... I'm not looking for
bartender wisdom right now.
202
00:07:49,848 --> 00:07:51,150
I just need an address.
203
00:07:51,152 --> 00:07:53,585
Do you have any idea
how itchy this beard is?
204
00:07:53,586 --> 00:07:55,720
The whole point of growing this beard
205
00:07:55,721 --> 00:07:57,722
was to get credibility beyond my ears...
206
00:07:57,723 --> 00:07:59,658
at least the illusion of it.
207
00:08:01,594 --> 00:08:03,780
Yeah, and it does, man.
No, it absolutely does that.
208
00:08:03,782 --> 00:08:04,956
Oh, sure. Sure.
209
00:08:04,958 --> 00:08:07,456
- No, it definitely... It absolutely does.
- It's too late.
210
00:08:08,801 --> 00:08:10,802
You f... I feel like you
want to finish the pitch.
211
00:08:10,803 --> 00:08:12,670
- Do you want to finish the pitch?
- Nope.
212
00:08:12,671 --> 00:08:14,405
You do. I can see it.
213
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:15,607
- No.
- Come on, come on.
214
00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:16,941
I'm all ears.
215
00:08:16,942 --> 00:08:18,810
When I was 9...
216
00:08:18,811 --> 00:08:21,212
Nope.
217
00:08:21,213 --> 00:08:23,549
[♪]
218
00:08:34,827 --> 00:08:37,162
[dog barking in distance]
219
00:08:43,369 --> 00:08:45,037
What?! Ow.
220
00:08:53,912 --> 00:08:56,047
[Jack]: [sighs]
221
00:08:56,048 --> 00:08:59,184
[♪]
222
00:09:06,859 --> 00:09:11,396
♪ She's so easy ♪
223
00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:17,402
♪ Cold, fiery, and red ♪
224
00:09:17,403 --> 00:09:20,738
♪ Easy ♪
225
00:09:20,739 --> 00:09:24,142
♪ Cold, fiery, and red ♪
226
00:09:25,811 --> 00:09:27,679
♪ She's so ♪
227
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,947
Okay.
228
00:09:29,948 --> 00:09:31,816
What are you weirdos up to?
229
00:09:31,817 --> 00:09:35,354
♪
230
00:09:47,433 --> 00:09:49,567
But you know you already have
an "A" in my class, right?
231
00:09:49,568 --> 00:09:52,370
[sighs] I'm reclaiming my inner bad girl
232
00:09:52,371 --> 00:09:54,105
after playing den mother to my roommate
233
00:09:54,106 --> 00:09:55,352
for the past few days.
234
00:09:55,354 --> 00:09:57,354
Oh, you don't mind, Garry.
235
00:10:00,112 --> 00:10:03,181
Let me guess... Izzy stood you up again.
236
00:10:03,182 --> 00:10:06,117
I'm approaching Uncle Jack's house.
237
00:10:06,118 --> 00:10:10,388
Izzy got dropped off
here about an hour ago.
238
00:10:10,389 --> 00:10:11,989
You know, I'm gettin'
the overwhelming sense
239
00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:15,059
that, uh, Jack isn't really
Izzy's uncle, you know.
240
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:18,796
What?! [laughs] What?
241
00:10:18,797 --> 00:10:20,264
Yeah, thanks, Nina.
242
00:10:20,265 --> 00:10:23,201
I was really startin'
to think I was paranoid.
243
00:10:23,202 --> 00:10:25,938
[♪]
244
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,567
- Mom?
- Shh!
245
00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:58,035
God!
246
00:10:58,036 --> 00:11:00,571
Clear your throat or something, Batgirl!
247
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:03,508
Turn it down!
248
00:11:03,509 --> 00:11:05,243
Stop, stop. Wait.
249
00:11:05,244 --> 00:11:06,310
Wait for me.
250
00:11:06,311 --> 00:11:08,045
Shh.
251
00:11:08,046 --> 00:11:09,781
[mid-tempo music plays]
252
00:11:09,782 --> 00:11:12,984
It's Communal Fleece.
253
00:11:12,985 --> 00:11:15,854
Also way too cool for the Trakarskys.
254
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:20,111
And not to mention coming
from their dimly lit bedroom.
255
00:11:21,794 --> 00:11:25,330
- [laughs]
- This is gonna break Emma's heart.
256
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,667
I thought you talked to her
when she got home from work.
257
00:11:29,668 --> 00:11:32,336
Mm-hmm.
258
00:11:32,337 --> 00:11:35,273
She had a different name for the niece.
259
00:11:35,274 --> 00:11:37,743
[♪]
260
00:11:43,015 --> 00:11:48,886
♪ She dismantles my faculties ♪
261
00:11:48,887 --> 00:11:54,263
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh yeah ♪
262
00:11:54,264 --> 00:11:55,739
Sorry to break this up, you guys,
263
00:11:55,747 --> 00:11:57,286
but I think we're all doing
a really good job so far.
264
00:11:57,288 --> 00:11:59,163
Shh.
265
00:11:59,164 --> 00:12:02,300
[♪]
266
00:12:19,318 --> 00:12:22,386
[cellphone buzzing]
267
00:12:22,387 --> 00:12:23,721
Hey, it's me again.
268
00:12:23,722 --> 00:12:25,056
Shit's about to hit the fan
269
00:12:25,057 --> 00:12:27,058
in your kinky little suburban love shack.
270
00:12:27,059 --> 00:12:28,994
Call me.
271
00:12:36,535 --> 00:12:38,536
Did I forget to tell
you that I'm really busy
272
00:12:38,537 --> 00:12:40,004
and you need to go?
273
00:12:40,005 --> 00:12:42,940
- Uh... yeah.
- My bad.
274
00:12:42,941 --> 00:12:45,076
I'm really busy, and you need to go.
275
00:12:45,077 --> 00:12:48,546
So, what's our next move?
276
00:12:48,547 --> 00:12:50,348
Not really sure.
277
00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:55,620
But this is nice. Right?
278
00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:58,022
Little mother-daughter time. [Chuckles]
279
00:12:58,023 --> 00:13:00,424
Us finally doing something together.
280
00:13:00,425 --> 00:13:01,626
Good.
281
00:13:01,627 --> 00:13:03,829
[♪]
282
00:13:14,973 --> 00:13:17,508
- Mom, Mom.
- There's a...
283
00:13:17,509 --> 00:13:19,644
Mm.
284
00:13:19,645 --> 00:13:22,247
[laughter]
285
00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:26,918
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
286
00:13:30,322 --> 00:13:32,990
Oh, shit.
287
00:13:32,991 --> 00:13:34,458
- Hi.
- Who are you?
288
00:13:34,459 --> 00:13:36,060
You're... You're not Jack. Who are you?
289
00:13:36,061 --> 00:13:37,395
No, I am not Jack. No.
290
00:13:37,396 --> 00:13:40,865
Hello, though. Hi. My name is Andy.
291
00:13:40,866 --> 00:13:42,600
Uh, this right here...
292
00:13:42,601 --> 00:13:45,269
this is a classic case
293
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:47,004
of it's not what it looks like.
294
00:13:47,005 --> 00:13:49,006
- Uh, it's just...
- You take one more step forward,
295
00:13:49,007 --> 00:13:50,074
and I start blowing.
296
00:13:50,075 --> 00:13:51,409
Mom.
297
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:53,411
Um, well, I cannot see shit right now.
298
00:13:53,412 --> 00:13:55,146
So I... That's very confusing to me.
299
00:13:55,147 --> 00:13:56,480
[whistle blows]
300
00:13:56,481 --> 00:13:57,815
Oh! Okay. Aah.
301
00:13:57,816 --> 00:13:59,684
I got it, got it, got
it. You got the whistle.
302
00:13:59,685 --> 00:14:03,488
[♪]
303
00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:21,038
[whistle blowing]
304
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:22,907
Anyone hear a whistle?
305
00:14:22,908 --> 00:14:24,225
No. No.
306
00:14:24,227 --> 00:14:25,977
- [whistle blowing]
- I just want to go home.
307
00:14:25,978 --> 00:14:27,882
Okay? And pretend this
never happened. Okay?
308
00:14:27,883 --> 00:14:28,830
Okay.
309
00:14:28,831 --> 00:14:31,983
If it's not what it looks like,
then what are you doing here?
310
00:14:31,984 --> 00:14:34,385
That's an excellent question, actually.
311
00:14:34,386 --> 00:14:36,253
Um...
312
00:14:36,254 --> 00:14:37,455
[sighs]
313
00:14:37,456 --> 00:14:39,590
I'm looking for a girl.
314
00:14:39,591 --> 00:14:41,459
I knew it!
315
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,060
[Carmen]: Did I hear a whistle?
316
00:14:43,061 --> 00:14:45,062
You guys, stop.
317
00:14:45,063 --> 00:14:47,331
Yeah, that's not happening.
318
00:14:47,332 --> 00:14:48,666
No, I... I'm serious. Do you hear that?
319
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:50,668
I hear voices. I hear voices outside.
320
00:14:50,669 --> 00:14:52,003
- [indistinct conversation]
- What is that?
321
00:14:52,004 --> 00:14:53,471
Ava! Lori! Are you okay?
322
00:14:53,472 --> 00:14:54,939
Everything's fine, Paul.
323
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:59,210
Well, it's Andy here lost his girlfriend.
324
00:14:59,211 --> 00:15:01,212
Think she might be inside
maybe? Is that what you thought?
325
00:15:01,213 --> 00:15:03,214
I'm pretty sure I...
I didn't say girlfriend.
326
00:15:03,215 --> 00:15:05,082
- You can...
- Fucking great.
327
00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:06,684
What? Honey, what is it? What?
328
00:15:06,685 --> 00:15:08,019
- Ow, ow, ow!
- What's your problem?
329
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,353
Migraine. Comes and goes.
330
00:15:09,354 --> 00:15:10,955
- I'm good.
- Oh.
331
00:15:10,956 --> 00:15:12,556
So Jack's niece, Izzy, is here,
332
00:15:12,557 --> 00:15:14,158
and you now...
333
00:15:14,159 --> 00:15:16,827
What again? You came to pick her up?
334
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,630
So did you consider just
ringing the doorbell?
335
00:15:19,631 --> 00:15:21,098
Yeah, well, I, uh...
336
00:15:21,099 --> 00:15:22,614
Hey, here's an idea.
337
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:25,503
Andy goes home and promises
to use the front door
338
00:15:25,504 --> 00:15:26,704
- from now on.
- Oh, I do, yeah.
339
00:15:26,705 --> 00:15:28,305
- I really do.
- Great.
340
00:15:28,306 --> 00:15:30,174
Then the rest of us can
take our collective nose
341
00:15:30,175 --> 00:15:31,487
out of Jack and Emma's business.
342
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:33,511
How's that sound, Lori?
343
00:15:33,512 --> 00:15:34,646
Oh.
344
00:15:36,715 --> 00:15:38,582
She came through the woods!
345
00:15:38,583 --> 00:15:40,851
If this Izzy was Jack's niece,
346
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:43,254
why would she need to
skulk through the woods?
347
00:15:43,255 --> 00:15:45,122
Huh, Dave?
348
00:15:45,123 --> 00:15:48,325
Uh, yeah, Dave, you got to
admit it's kind of vexing.
349
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:50,061
I totally agree.
350
00:15:50,062 --> 00:15:51,929
[Carmen]: Oh, oh, that's what's vexing,
351
00:15:51,930 --> 00:15:53,531
Andy, really?
352
00:15:53,532 --> 00:15:55,132
Because I think the cops
353
00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,535
would be a lot more vexed
by you sneaking around,
354
00:15:57,536 --> 00:15:58,602
peering into people's windows.
355
00:15:58,603 --> 00:16:00,071
Don't you?
356
00:16:00,072 --> 00:16:01,272
That's a strong point.
357
00:16:01,273 --> 00:16:03,674
I'm gonna go home now.
358
00:16:03,675 --> 00:16:05,409
It's a good choice.
359
00:16:05,410 --> 00:16:07,011
Uh, Mom.
360
00:16:07,012 --> 00:16:09,013
Mom, oh, my God.
361
00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:11,228
Oh! Oh, Lord.
362
00:16:12,130 --> 00:16:13,398
Oh.
363
00:16:15,821 --> 00:16:17,154
Stop it. That's weird.
364
00:16:17,156 --> 00:16:18,116
No, no. It's good.
365
00:16:18,118 --> 00:16:19,758
It's, like, pleasant. We should all do it.
366
00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:24,963
- Oh.
- What are they doing?
367
00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:31,877
- [laughs]
- So, that raises some questions.
368
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,706
So, Em, that's Andy
369
00:16:35,707 --> 00:16:38,509
in the expanding mob of neighbors.
370
00:16:38,510 --> 00:16:40,511
God damn it, he's cute.
371
00:16:40,512 --> 00:16:42,246
What's he doing here?
372
00:16:42,247 --> 00:16:44,115
No idea.
373
00:16:44,116 --> 00:16:45,983
This is fucking bad.
374
00:16:45,984 --> 00:16:47,718
Okay? Let's just, uh...
375
00:16:47,719 --> 00:16:49,053
Let's stop on 3. This is weird.
376
00:16:49,054 --> 00:16:52,457
Okay, ready? One, two, three, stop.
377
00:16:53,992 --> 00:16:56,594
- I warned him.
- I warned her.
378
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:03,868
That, uh, was disturbing.
379
00:17:03,869 --> 00:17:06,670
I thought you were leaving.
380
00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:08,672
- What are you doing?
- Think I'm gonna hang around.
381
00:17:08,673 --> 00:17:10,141
See how this plays out.
382
00:17:10,142 --> 00:17:11,208
Yeah?
383
00:17:11,209 --> 00:17:12,676
Right on. Very cool.
384
00:17:12,677 --> 00:17:14,011
Fuck!
385
00:17:14,012 --> 00:17:15,746
Fucking Lori! God damn it!
386
00:17:15,747 --> 00:17:18,015
- What's Andy doing here?
- Ah, fucking Lori!
387
00:17:18,016 --> 00:17:21,485
Fucking Lori!
388
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:22,553
God, I knew it.
389
00:17:22,554 --> 00:17:23,754
I knew it. I knew it.
390
00:17:23,755 --> 00:17:25,222
Like, I knew it.
391
00:17:25,223 --> 00:17:26,557
I knew she would be
the one to take me down
392
00:17:26,558 --> 00:17:28,425
- with her fucking face!
- Honey, honey, honey.
393
00:17:28,426 --> 00:17:29,760
You're doing that comic-book thing, okay?
394
00:17:29,761 --> 00:17:31,054
- Guys.
- Just breathe.
395
00:17:31,056 --> 00:17:32,704
- I'm breathing.
- Guys.
396
00:17:32,706 --> 00:17:34,165
They're waiting for an appearance from us.
397
00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:35,633
Like, uh, what are we gonna do?
398
00:17:35,634 --> 00:17:36,967
All right. Come on, people!
399
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:39,236
Let's, uh, head out. Nothin' to see here.
400
00:17:39,237 --> 00:17:41,505
That's a matter of opinion. Am I right?
401
00:17:41,506 --> 00:17:42,973
Okay, let's, uh, disband this meeting
402
00:17:42,974 --> 00:17:44,575
of the neighborhood watch, shall we?
403
00:17:44,576 --> 00:17:46,577
Let's all go home to our
homes. Separate homes.
404
00:17:46,578 --> 00:17:48,179
Okay, you are not the boss of me.
405
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:50,714
If you want to go home,
then, by all means, go home.
406
00:17:50,715 --> 00:17:52,049
But I have a job to do.
407
00:17:52,050 --> 00:17:53,718
Oh, yeah? What's that?
408
00:17:56,721 --> 00:18:00,057
I am protecting the integrity
of the Hamilton School
409
00:18:00,058 --> 00:18:02,860
because there is something
kinky going on inside that house.
410
00:18:02,861 --> 00:18:04,355
Kinky. How do you even...
411
00:18:04,357 --> 00:18:07,396
You just jump straight to kinky
just because Jack, his wife,
412
00:18:07,398 --> 00:18:09,266
and their niece are
in the bedroom together
413
00:18:09,267 --> 00:18:11,135
- with moody lighting and...
- Whoa, honey.
414
00:18:11,136 --> 00:18:12,736
- ... and sexy music?
- Hey. Hey, honey.
415
00:18:12,737 --> 00:18:16,073
Honey. We got it.
416
00:18:16,074 --> 00:18:17,541
That is crazy talk, Lori,
417
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:20,017
and out of line, okay?
418
00:18:20,019 --> 00:18:21,678
I'm not gonna be dean.
419
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,013
I'm not gonna be dean!
420
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:24,615
I can't believe I'm not gonna be dean.
421
00:18:24,616 --> 00:18:26,217
I can't believe this is happening.
422
00:18:26,218 --> 00:18:28,352
Okay, here's what we're
gonna do, people, okay?
423
00:18:28,353 --> 00:18:29,954
Okay.
424
00:18:29,955 --> 00:18:32,623
- We're gonna lie.
- Hmm?
425
00:18:32,624 --> 00:18:33,691
Is that it?
426
00:18:33,692 --> 00:18:35,292
- Is there more?
- That's it.
427
00:18:35,293 --> 00:18:37,695
We are gonna go out
there, and we're gonna lie.
428
00:18:37,696 --> 00:18:39,924
And we're gonna lie. And
we're gonna lie some more.
429
00:18:39,926 --> 00:18:41,832
We are gonna say that Izzy
is our goddamn fuckin' niece,
430
00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:42,900
and that's that!
431
00:18:42,901 --> 00:18:44,353
- Okay, honey, that's...
- No, no, no, no.
432
00:18:44,355 --> 00:18:45,964
Lori calls me out, I am gonna hurt her.
433
00:18:45,966 --> 00:18:47,299
- No, she has no business...
- No, no, no.
434
00:18:47,301 --> 00:18:48,638
- She is the...
- No, no, no. Shh!
435
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:49,974
You need to calm down, okay?
436
00:18:49,975 --> 00:18:51,575
First it was me. Now it's you. Okay?
437
00:18:51,576 --> 00:18:52,910
- We got to both just get our bearings.
- I'm sorry.
438
00:18:52,911 --> 00:18:53,978
Sorry. I'm just, like, spinning.
439
00:18:53,979 --> 00:18:55,446
- I know.
- I'm sorry.
440
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:56,513
- I love you very much, okay?
- I love you, too.
441
00:18:56,514 --> 00:18:57,581
Okay. So we're gonna...
442
00:18:57,582 --> 00:18:58,566
- I'm fucking terrified.
- I know.
443
00:18:58,568 --> 00:18:59,708
We're gonna do this
together, though, okay?
444
00:18:59,710 --> 00:19:01,144
We're gonna come up at
with a solution. Okay?
445
00:19:01,146 --> 00:19:02,345
Don't cry. Don't cry.
446
00:19:02,347 --> 00:19:03,567
- I'm not gonna cry.
- No. We're good.
447
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:04,655
We're good, okay?
448
00:19:04,656 --> 00:19:05,723
I love you.
449
00:19:05,725 --> 00:19:08,177
Okay? It's okay.
450
00:19:08,178 --> 00:19:09,669
You okay now?
451
00:19:09,820 --> 00:19:11,462
- I love you very much.
- I love you.
452
00:19:11,463 --> 00:19:14,065
I'm sorry, guys.
453
00:19:14,066 --> 00:19:16,066
Fuck! This is all my fault.
454
00:19:19,337 --> 00:19:21,739
- Izzy.
- Oh, God.
455
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,474
I really feel like, at this point,
456
00:19:23,475 --> 00:19:25,609
our only option is just to
walk up there on the porch.
457
00:19:25,610 --> 00:19:28,012
We'll walk right in the door,
or does anyone have a key?
458
00:19:28,013 --> 00:19:29,213
Carmen? Dave?
459
00:19:29,214 --> 00:19:30,414
Hey, hey! Wow!
460
00:19:30,415 --> 00:19:31,383
Hi, every... Why are you...
461
00:19:31,385 --> 00:19:32,788
What's happening? Why are you guys here?
462
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,352
Well, see, this young man,
he was lurking around the side
463
00:19:35,353 --> 00:19:36,820
of your house, peeking in your windows.
464
00:19:36,821 --> 00:19:38,689
Said he was looking for his girlfriend.
465
00:19:38,690 --> 00:19:41,892
Hey, once again, I didn't
use the word "girlfriend."
466
00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:43,360
- Yes, he did.
- Andy, why...
467
00:19:43,361 --> 00:19:45,496
why are you... Why'd you follow me here
468
00:19:45,497 --> 00:19:48,699
- to... to my uncle's house?
- [sarcastically] Right.
469
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:51,541
- Uncle Jack.
- I know you said you weren't feeling well,
470
00:19:51,543 --> 00:19:54,038
which, you know, wasn't
entirely surprising
471
00:19:54,039 --> 00:19:56,073
considering the pizza intake.
472
00:19:56,075 --> 00:19:57,977
You weren't dressed in the window.
473
00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,910
- He wasn't dressed.
- Mnh-mnh.
474
00:19:59,911 --> 00:20:01,180
- Yes, I was. I had my...
- What?
475
00:20:01,182 --> 00:20:02,125
It was...
476
00:20:02,127 --> 00:20:03,563
You're sure it wasn't
the reflection in the...
477
00:20:03,564 --> 00:20:04,848
No.
478
00:20:04,849 --> 00:20:06,450
[laughs]
479
00:20:06,451 --> 00:20:08,185
Saw your...
480
00:20:08,186 --> 00:20:09,787
My one nip? This nipple?
481
00:20:09,788 --> 00:20:11,255
It's a great shirt.
482
00:20:11,256 --> 00:20:13,257
I've never even seen this guy before.
483
00:20:13,258 --> 00:20:16,060
You never even talked
about him, and, like,
484
00:20:16,061 --> 00:20:17,928
all of a sudden, you get a
text, you say you're sick,
485
00:20:17,929 --> 00:20:19,396
and then you sneak off to his house?
486
00:20:19,397 --> 00:20:20,388
Like, what's going on?
487
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:23,667
You know, conversely, none
of us had ever heard of
488
00:20:23,668 --> 00:20:27,004
nor seen her before,
what, uh, three days ago?
489
00:20:27,005 --> 00:20:28,072
- Three days ago.
- Yeah.
490
00:20:28,073 --> 00:20:29,807
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what, Lori?
491
00:20:29,808 --> 00:20:32,076
Maybe... Maybe they did drift apart.
492
00:20:32,077 --> 00:20:34,478
Maybe there are some
complex family dynamics
493
00:20:34,479 --> 00:20:37,414
that we simply don't feel
obligated to share with you.
494
00:20:37,415 --> 00:20:39,683
Okay, riddle me this, Trakarskys.
495
00:20:39,684 --> 00:20:41,151
If she is your niece,
496
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,619
why does she have to
sneak through the woods
497
00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:44,355
to go and visit her own family?
498
00:20:44,356 --> 00:20:45,719
Hmm?
499
00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:46,757
Yeah.
500
00:20:46,758 --> 00:20:48,225
Yeah. Good one, Lori.
501
00:20:48,226 --> 00:20:49,693
I was actually wondering
the exact same thing.
502
00:20:49,694 --> 00:20:51,095
Happy Halloween!
503
00:20:52,630 --> 00:20:54,098
Boom.
504
00:20:54,099 --> 00:20:55,833
- When I was like...
- Four...
505
00:20:55,834 --> 00:20:57,270
- ... 14.
- 14.
506
00:20:57,271 --> 00:20:59,136
Jack scared the shit out of me...
507
00:20:59,138 --> 00:21:01,245
- Like...
- ... and my friends wearing this, so...
508
00:21:01,247 --> 00:21:03,173
- Same mask.
- I snuck her in.
509
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:05,309
She hid in the closet with this.
510
00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:06,377
It was...
511
00:21:06,378 --> 00:21:07,578
- It was epic.
- Yep.
512
00:21:07,579 --> 00:21:09,046
Jack peed his pants.
513
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:10,781
[laughs]
514
00:21:10,782 --> 00:21:12,916
- What?
- I didn't pee my pants.
515
00:21:12,917 --> 00:21:14,651
It was like, uh, I spilled something on...
516
00:21:14,652 --> 00:21:16,920
Jack, you pissed your pants?
517
00:21:16,921 --> 00:21:18,389
That is fucking awesome!
518
00:21:18,390 --> 00:21:20,332
- I didn't pee my pants.
- It's part of the lore.
519
00:21:20,334 --> 00:21:21,458
Don't fight it, honey.
520
00:21:21,459 --> 00:21:23,460
- Why was that necessary?
- It's happening.
521
00:21:23,461 --> 00:21:25,062
Okay, so, that's it. We can wrap this up.
522
00:21:25,063 --> 00:21:26,951
Or do you guys want to
go home and get your, uh,
523
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:28,932
torches and pitchforks?
524
00:21:28,933 --> 00:21:30,401
What? No, no.
525
00:21:30,402 --> 00:21:34,138
I was being a good neighbor! I mean, if...
526
00:21:34,139 --> 00:21:39,209
if one of you sees a
stranger peering in my window,
527
00:21:39,210 --> 00:21:41,612
I would hope you would
have the decency to say,
528
00:21:41,613 --> 00:21:43,080
"Hey, Lori.
529
00:21:43,081 --> 00:21:44,815
You need to know there's
a creepy man lookin'
530
00:21:44,816 --> 00:21:47,484
in your window," and not just
sit there and laugh at me.
531
00:21:47,485 --> 00:21:49,086
It's... It's all good, Lori.
532
00:21:49,087 --> 00:21:52,689
I mean, this is gonna make
a great story for everyone.
533
00:21:52,690 --> 00:21:56,427
You know who would really
enjoy this particular anecdote?
534
00:21:56,428 --> 00:21:59,363
Uh, Lisa Sangster.
535
00:21:59,364 --> 00:22:03,233
Wait. Isn't she on the
Hamilton Alumni Board with you?
536
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:04,835
She's the chairperson, yeah.
537
00:22:04,836 --> 00:22:06,837
Um, you're friends?
538
00:22:06,838 --> 00:22:08,839
Since college.
539
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,709
So, it's super-late.
540
00:22:12,710 --> 00:22:14,035
- Mom.
- Let's go.
541
00:22:14,037 --> 00:22:15,686
- Let's go.
- Bye, Lori.
542
00:22:15,688 --> 00:22:17,371
- We're gonna go.
- Good night, guys.
543
00:22:17,373 --> 00:22:19,249
- Thank you so much for... Yeah.
- Good night, everyone.
544
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:21,518
Hey, try not to go
twice in one night, huh?
545
00:22:21,519 --> 00:22:23,520
[laughs] Change those jimjams!
546
00:22:23,521 --> 00:22:25,456
[laughs]
547
00:22:28,993 --> 00:22:31,662
Iz. Iz, Iz, Iz.
548
00:22:31,663 --> 00:22:33,530
[sighs]
549
00:22:33,531 --> 00:22:34,902
- It worked, right?
- Oh, my God. It worked.
550
00:22:34,904 --> 00:22:36,007
So yeah.
551
00:22:37,745 --> 00:22:39,803
Can we just go?
552
00:22:39,804 --> 00:22:41,805
You do not want to do this here.
553
00:22:41,806 --> 00:22:43,273
What do you mean? What's this?
554
00:22:43,274 --> 00:22:45,676
- I don't...
- You're moving too fast.
555
00:22:45,677 --> 00:22:47,544
Tracking me down?
556
00:22:47,545 --> 00:22:49,680
Really?
557
00:22:49,681 --> 00:22:50,881
I'm moving too fast?
558
00:22:50,882 --> 00:22:52,749
Are you serious?
559
00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:54,541
We've been doing whatever the fuck this is
560
00:22:54,543 --> 00:22:55,819
that we're doing for three months,
561
00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:57,287
and I still can't even get you
to stay for one normal date.
562
00:22:57,288 --> 00:22:59,423
I'm too fast?
563
00:22:59,424 --> 00:23:01,825
[sighs] You're right.
564
00:23:01,826 --> 00:23:03,827
I've told you so many times...
565
00:23:03,828 --> 00:23:05,829
I'm unavailable
566
00:23:05,830 --> 00:23:07,965
for whatever it is that you want from me.
567
00:23:07,966 --> 00:23:11,435
It's just one more reason
that you are too good for me.
568
00:23:11,436 --> 00:23:13,237
You know?
569
00:23:16,241 --> 00:23:17,574
Mm, yeah.
570
00:23:17,575 --> 00:23:20,644
You know what? I think you're right.
571
00:23:20,645 --> 00:23:22,580
Maybe I am.
572
00:23:29,873 --> 00:23:32,208
[♪]
573
00:23:32,209 --> 00:23:34,034
Oh, my God. That was crazy.
574
00:23:36,261 --> 00:23:38,795
- Hi.
- Hey.
575
00:23:38,796 --> 00:23:40,504
You okay?
576
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:42,442
I'm not really sure.
577
00:23:44,936 --> 00:23:48,805
One can only get so moist.
578
00:23:48,806 --> 00:23:50,807
Lori, you're saturated.
579
00:23:50,808 --> 00:23:52,744
You'll slip off the bed.
580
00:23:56,147 --> 00:23:57,481
[sighs]
581
00:23:57,482 --> 00:23:59,616
You seem upset, dearest.
582
00:23:59,617 --> 00:24:02,019
I am not buying their bullshit, Paul.
583
00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:03,754
My Spidey-Sense is tingling.
584
00:24:03,755 --> 00:24:05,622
Okay, guys. So, our cover...
585
00:24:05,623 --> 00:24:07,090
Is it... Is it solid now?
586
00:24:07,091 --> 00:24:08,292
Yeah. No more woods.
587
00:24:08,293 --> 00:24:09,626
No more Lori.
588
00:24:09,627 --> 00:24:10,694
Good.
589
00:24:10,695 --> 00:24:13,164
That's... That's good to know.
590
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:17,768
So...
591
00:24:17,769 --> 00:24:19,636
so, um, do you guys...
592
00:24:19,637 --> 00:24:22,306
Do you guys remember where we left off?
593
00:24:22,307 --> 00:24:24,308
'Cause I can't really remember.
594
00:24:24,309 --> 00:24:26,377
But were we back here?
595
00:24:28,679 --> 00:24:31,208
Well, your Spidey-Sense is a track
breaker and it really isn't...
596
00:24:31,210 --> 00:24:32,849
They brought props.
597
00:24:32,850 --> 00:24:34,184
[cellphone buzzing]
598
00:24:34,185 --> 00:24:37,120
Okay, you are on your own, baby doll.
599
00:24:37,121 --> 00:24:38,523
- [cellphone thuds]
- Oh, shit.
600
00:24:39,657 --> 00:24:41,391
[Lori]: Why would they do
that unless it was a cover-up?
601
00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:44,328
Why would they bring out
the mask and the knife
602
00:24:44,329 --> 00:24:45,929
for show-and-tell? Come on.
603
00:24:45,930 --> 00:24:49,063
Well, honestly, I don't
have an answer to that.
604
00:24:50,068 --> 00:24:52,003
[knock on door]
605
00:24:54,339 --> 00:24:55,939
Hello?
606
00:24:55,940 --> 00:24:57,541
- Hey.
- Um, okay.
607
00:24:57,542 --> 00:24:59,276
Hey.
608
00:24:59,277 --> 00:25:01,278
I just needed someone to talk to...
609
00:25:01,279 --> 00:25:04,881
someone who actually knows
what I'm talking about.
610
00:25:04,882 --> 00:25:07,084
[♪]
611
00:25:11,422 --> 00:25:15,226
You're not gonna make me drink
this all by myself, right?
612
00:25:18,496 --> 00:25:20,565
Whatever. Fine.
613
00:25:21,966 --> 00:25:23,967
[all breathing heavily]
614
00:25:23,968 --> 00:25:25,503
Whew.
615
00:25:29,307 --> 00:25:31,441
I love us.
616
00:25:31,442 --> 00:25:36,246
You know, not just the sex, but, like, us.
617
00:25:36,247 --> 00:25:38,515
Me too.
618
00:25:38,516 --> 00:25:40,451
Me three.
619
00:25:43,054 --> 00:25:48,125
[♪]
620
00:25:48,126 --> 00:25:50,862
[humming]
621
00:25:53,064 --> 00:25:54,531
♪ Shh. ♪
622
00:25:54,532 --> 00:25:57,734
♪ Sleep, my darling ♪
623
00:25:57,735 --> 00:26:00,404
♪ Don't you wake ♪
624
00:26:00,405 --> 00:26:02,806
♪ You got the day... ♪
625
00:26:02,807 --> 00:26:06,143
♪ Take all that you can take ♪
626
00:26:06,144 --> 00:26:11,615
♪ I've tiptoed, dancing around
the creaks in the floor ♪
627
00:26:11,616 --> 00:26:15,085
♪ Might be something
waiting in the kitchen ♪
628
00:26:15,086 --> 00:26:19,489
♪ You know, 'cause,
well, I know how to love ♪
629
00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:22,559
♪ And make you feel right ♪
630
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:28,298
♪ I know how to love, baby,
and rock you through the night ♪
631
00:26:28,299 --> 00:26:31,101
♪ I know how to love ♪
632
00:26:31,102 --> 00:26:34,171
♪ I know how to love ♪
633
00:26:34,172 --> 00:26:38,509
♪ I know, I know how to
love you, baby, yeah ♪
43532
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