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synced and corrected by peritta
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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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We agree that this is a
business arrangement, right?
4
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[Jack]: I just think we
need to set clear boundaries.
5
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You took her to our roof?
6
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- [Jack]: Shit.
- Oh, my God.
7
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- What if it's all Izzy?
- It's us.
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I really like Andy.
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So, would you categorize me
as emotionally unavailable?
10
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[clicks tongue]
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So, who was that chick who got dropped off
12
00:00:25,997 --> 00:00:27,097
at your house two nights ago?
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She's my niece. Jackie.
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We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
15
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A Lori problem?
16
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Maybe we should get off the train tracks
17
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before the train runs us over.
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All you got to do is tell her it's over
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- and she can keep the money.
- Right.
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- [knock on door]
- Aah!
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What are you doing here?
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It turns out we won't be
requiring your services.
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This is where I call bullshit.
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I'm the only one being an adult here.
25
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- You're the only adult?
- Fine. You win.
26
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- Sorry.
- Ow.
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What the fuck?
28
00:00:53,525 --> 00:00:56,060
What the fuck?!
29
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[♪]
30
00:01:03,768 --> 00:01:05,636
Okay.
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It's, um... I think it's like 12:30,
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and I've already been the voice of reason
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and a cock-blocker, and that's just...
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It's not who I am.
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It's not my place in the world.
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I fucking resent it.
37
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And you ruined Nana's lamp.
38
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- Sorry.
- Yeah, I'm... that was my fault.
39
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Shut up.
40
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Yeah. Okay, so, I'm gonna ask you again.
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Are... are we still
calling this one a client,
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or is he something else?
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[knock on door, door opens]
44
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Okay, so, I made my choice
for the pizza thing, but...
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Okay. Oh.
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Ah, this is gonna be... interesting.
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Company. Hello.
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Hi.
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Hey, dude. My name's Jack.
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Sorry about the "dude."
I don't normally say that.
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[Andy]: Okay. Andy.
52
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Hey.
53
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Sorry. I'm being rude.
54
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Um, Jack. Uh, Jack is, um...
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- He... he is part of a...
- Is... is...
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I'm her uncle. She's...
I'm her... yeah, yeah.
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I'm her uncle.
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We were more like cousins growing up
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'cause we were so close in age, so...
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Aren't you like 40?
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- I'm nothing like 40.
- Oh, God.
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He just stops by whenever he wants.
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You now, it's like a... I don't know...
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like a midlife crisis type of thing.
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More like a quarter-life
crisis, 'cause I'm not that old.
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If you live to 160.
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You better double up on the fish oil.
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00:02:23,281 --> 00:02:24,915
Okay. Okay.
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00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:26,917
Maybe we should just get going.
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Would you hate me if we
moved our lunch to happy hour?
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It's just trouble at home.
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Yeah, okay. I gotcha.
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Hang in there, dude.
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Seriously, I... I never say that, so...
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Okay.
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Thank you. I just...
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He stopped by, and I... I...
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[chuckles]
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All right.
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Aww.
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So, Ah... so 5:00?
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5:00. Yeah.
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[sighs]
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Yeah, I'm a... I am a client.
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And that's your tip.
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[clears throat] Well, glad that's sorted.
87
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I'm gonna take this.
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For Nana's lamp.
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[♪]
90
00:03:42,527 --> 00:03:44,662
[bell tolling]
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00:03:46,464 --> 00:03:49,866
So, what about the Andy kiss?
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Well, at first, it was just about proving
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that Jack wasn't a threat.
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You know, like, "See?
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We can make out right in front of him."
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00:03:58,343 --> 00:04:01,411
But... But then it was...
it was also about, you know,
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00:04:01,412 --> 00:04:04,319
keeping Andy on simmer
for the next few weeks.
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00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:05,350
Does that make sense?
99
00:04:05,352 --> 00:04:07,050
- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
- Okay.
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00:04:07,051 --> 00:04:08,986
Yeah, assuming you're a sociopath,
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it makes perfect, blood-curdling sense.
102
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But it's also bullshit.
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Pardon?
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You kissed Andy to make
Jack jealous, okay? Period.
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Boom. Done.
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00:04:20,098 --> 00:04:22,099
Maybe.
107
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,467
Probably.
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00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:25,869
Are you seriously into
breaking up a marriage?
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00:04:25,870 --> 00:04:27,904
No. God, no.
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They love each other.
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00:04:30,241 --> 00:04:32,043
They're in it.
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00:04:34,278 --> 00:04:35,479
But what?
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You think there's room for one more?
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Man, how much would it suck
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if I was the only one that feels this way?
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00:04:43,855 --> 00:04:45,922
Oh, yeah. It would just be, like,
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so tragic if the three of you
didn't live happily ever after.
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And so surprising.
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00:04:50,662 --> 00:04:53,387
Oh, come on. You have to be kidding me.
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Right? About being the only one?
121
00:04:54,832 --> 00:04:56,500
Uncle Jack left...
122
00:04:56,501 --> 00:05:00,437
Stop calling him "Uncle
Jack." It makes it weird.
123
00:05:00,438 --> 00:05:01,905
Oh, that's what makes it weird.
124
00:05:01,906 --> 00:05:03,507
- Oh, sorry.
- [cellphone ringing]
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00:05:03,508 --> 00:05:05,743
Sorry. I wasn't sure.
126
00:05:07,078 --> 00:05:10,047
What about her?
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00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:13,550
Let's find out.
128
00:05:13,551 --> 00:05:14,685
Hi, Em.
129
00:05:14,686 --> 00:05:17,187
Hey, Izzy. How are you?
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00:05:17,188 --> 00:05:18,855
I'm awesome. How are you?
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00:05:18,856 --> 00:05:20,991
Totes. I'm... I'm awesome, too.
132
00:05:20,992 --> 00:05:22,359
Oh, God. Blech!
133
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,895
Whatever the fuck that
is, stop it immediately.
134
00:05:24,896 --> 00:05:26,463
- Oh. Oh, no, that's just, uh...
- Just end it.
135
00:05:26,464 --> 00:05:28,465
... some homeless person
thinks they know me.
136
00:05:28,466 --> 00:05:31,168
No, sorry. I'm not Lisa.
137
00:05:31,169 --> 00:05:34,905
Uh, I really need to see
you, like, ASAP, if possible.
138
00:05:34,906 --> 00:05:36,473
Just end it!
139
00:05:36,474 --> 00:05:38,875
Oh, I... I can't.
140
00:05:38,876 --> 00:05:42,079
Yeah, I'm, uh, all kinds of busy.
141
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,314
Andy doesn't know that my roommate outed
142
00:05:44,315 --> 00:05:48,518
his devious plan to kidnap
me on some big adventure.
143
00:05:48,519 --> 00:05:49,619
Yeah, international flights are involved,
144
00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:51,121
I think, but I'm not sure.
145
00:05:51,122 --> 00:05:52,889
Oh, shit. That's him on the other line.
146
00:05:52,890 --> 00:05:54,391
I'm so excited. I got to go.
147
00:05:54,392 --> 00:05:56,093
W...
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00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:58,528
Ah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna barf.
149
00:05:58,529 --> 00:05:59,596
Damn!
150
00:05:59,597 --> 00:06:01,231
Damn, the specifics.
151
00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:03,400
Seriously, just, like, right
off the top of your head.
152
00:06:03,401 --> 00:06:04,768
- I am impressed.
- I know.
153
00:06:04,769 --> 00:06:05,836
International flights?
154
00:06:05,837 --> 00:06:07,437
I don't know what that was.
155
00:06:07,438 --> 00:06:10,575
No, you can be quite the
devious little fucker.
156
00:06:12,376 --> 00:06:15,979
First, so well-played.
Ice water in your veins.
157
00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:17,581
Second, what happened?
158
00:06:17,582 --> 00:06:19,249
Well, um...
159
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:22,819
her boyfriend called and
she kind of hung up on me.
160
00:06:22,820 --> 00:06:24,821
Oh, my God. Is your lip quivering?
161
00:06:24,822 --> 00:06:26,189
No.
162
00:06:26,190 --> 00:06:27,424
Fuck!
163
00:06:27,425 --> 00:06:28,658
Shh!
164
00:06:28,659 --> 00:06:32,262
Uh, there are kids here.
165
00:06:32,263 --> 00:06:34,598
Oh, God. I am so sorry.
166
00:06:34,599 --> 00:06:37,367
Uh, I... I practically
never use that word,
167
00:06:37,368 --> 00:06:39,970
certainly not so loud and, um, elongated.
168
00:06:39,971 --> 00:06:42,773
Don't do drugs, and stay in school.
169
00:06:42,774 --> 00:06:44,207
They're toddlers, dumb shit.
170
00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:45,575
[Man]: Yeah.
171
00:06:45,576 --> 00:06:47,878
Dumb shit? Really?
172
00:06:47,879 --> 00:06:51,181
I bet these sticky little
monsters aren't even vaccinated.
173
00:06:51,182 --> 00:06:53,016
Oh, really? Well, why don't I
vaccinate your ass with my shoe?
174
00:06:53,017 --> 00:06:54,484
- Vaccinate my ass?
- Yeah.
175
00:06:54,485 --> 00:06:56,586
Oh, bring it, creamed kale. Bring it on.
176
00:06:56,587 --> 00:06:59,456
Okay, lady people! Public
park, children present.
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00:06:59,457 --> 00:07:01,391
Let's go.
178
00:07:01,392 --> 00:07:03,460
What the hell is happening to you?
179
00:07:03,461 --> 00:07:05,262
Look, I don't want to end it.
180
00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:06,797
I don't want to stop seeing Izzy.
181
00:07:06,798 --> 00:07:09,599
And I hate Andy.
182
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,401
You know you can't drag this shit
183
00:07:11,402 --> 00:07:13,203
into Hawthorne Heights, right?
184
00:07:13,204 --> 00:07:15,439
Into my neighborhood,
where I raise my kids?
185
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,874
I'm sorry.
186
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:20,310
I may be cool, but I'm
not that fucking cool.
187
00:07:20,311 --> 00:07:23,648
[♪]
188
00:07:30,354 --> 00:07:34,424
♪ The paths are dressed in
leaves beneath our feet ♪
189
00:07:34,425 --> 00:07:37,360
[Jack]: If someone had told
you three days ago... [chuckles]
190
00:07:37,361 --> 00:07:38,361
Oh, my God. I know. I know.
191
00:07:38,362 --> 00:07:40,664
... That we would, I mean...
192
00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:42,899
- It's insane.
- It's crazy.
193
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,668
I called Izzy today.
194
00:07:44,669 --> 00:07:46,269
What?
195
00:07:46,270 --> 00:07:48,705
I tried to end it with
her, tried to get, you know,
196
00:07:48,706 --> 00:07:51,908
off those train tracks
you were talking about.
197
00:07:51,909 --> 00:07:54,678
And?
198
00:07:54,679 --> 00:07:58,114
I realized, um, I don't want to.
199
00:07:58,115 --> 00:08:00,651
I don't want to end it.
200
00:08:02,186 --> 00:08:03,487
Don't... don't be mad.
201
00:08:03,488 --> 00:08:06,289
No, I'm... uh, I went to her apartment.
202
00:08:06,290 --> 00:08:08,758
Oh.
203
00:08:08,759 --> 00:08:10,994
Yeah. During my lunch hour.
204
00:08:10,995 --> 00:08:11,928
I... I...
205
00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:13,396
Why?
206
00:08:13,397 --> 00:08:15,465
I... I... same reason.
I also wanted to end it.
207
00:08:15,466 --> 00:08:18,335
I mean, I told her she... she
couldn't contact you anymore
208
00:08:18,336 --> 00:08:20,003
or... or take your messages.
209
00:08:20,004 --> 00:08:21,137
Well, what happened?
210
00:08:21,138 --> 00:08:22,405
Things got pretty heated.
211
00:08:22,406 --> 00:08:25,009
And then things got
even, like, more heated.
212
00:08:26,777 --> 00:08:28,345
Like...
213
00:08:28,346 --> 00:08:31,548
Like, not... not arguing
anymore, but, like...
214
00:08:31,549 --> 00:08:33,350
Did something happen?
215
00:08:33,351 --> 00:08:35,485
Um, well, I don't know.
216
00:08:35,486 --> 00:08:38,288
I mean, her roommate came home, so that...
217
00:08:38,289 --> 00:08:40,490
And if her roommate hadn't come home?
218
00:08:40,491 --> 00:08:43,226
Uh, I don't know, to be honest. It's hard.
219
00:08:43,227 --> 00:08:45,563
Damn.
220
00:08:48,032 --> 00:08:50,834
Do you hate me right now? Please don't.
221
00:08:50,835 --> 00:08:53,303
No. No, I don't hate you.
222
00:08:53,304 --> 00:08:54,971
I...
223
00:08:54,972 --> 00:08:57,841
I don't know what I feel.
224
00:08:57,842 --> 00:08:59,509
Jealous, maybe.
225
00:08:59,510 --> 00:09:01,511
[chuckles]
226
00:09:01,512 --> 00:09:04,381
Scared.
227
00:09:04,382 --> 00:09:05,883
And excited.
228
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:09,185
Is... is that crazy?
229
00:09:09,186 --> 00:09:10,453
No.
230
00:09:10,454 --> 00:09:12,856
I mean, I... No. It makes perfect sense.
231
00:09:12,857 --> 00:09:15,859
Although I don't know what's
crazy and what's not anymore.
232
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:17,427
[sighs] I just...
233
00:09:17,428 --> 00:09:19,429
It's really good we're
being honest here, right?
234
00:09:19,430 --> 00:09:22,165
Yeah. Yeah. No, it's good.
235
00:09:22,166 --> 00:09:25,402
D... did you go see Izzy
236
00:09:25,403 --> 00:09:28,371
because you were jealous
that I'd been with her,
237
00:09:28,372 --> 00:09:31,408
or she'd been with me?
238
00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:34,377
Is there... is there an option
"C" for "all of the above"?
239
00:09:34,378 --> 00:09:35,679
Wow.
240
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:39,482
Yeah, that's... that's how I feel.
241
00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,650
Really?
242
00:09:40,651 --> 00:09:41,685
Yeah.
243
00:09:41,686 --> 00:09:43,286
[sighs]
244
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:45,822
[sighs]
245
00:09:45,823 --> 00:09:48,425
So, what's next?
246
00:09:48,426 --> 00:09:52,295
Well, there's another
adult in this... Izzy.
247
00:09:52,296 --> 00:09:53,797
Right.
248
00:09:53,798 --> 00:09:56,466
We should probably consider
her, see how she feels.
249
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,068
Right.
250
00:09:58,069 --> 00:10:00,103
Do you know that she has a boyfriend?
251
00:10:00,104 --> 00:10:01,605
Oh, God. I met that dude.
252
00:10:01,606 --> 00:10:02,772
- You met him?
- Yeah. Andy.
253
00:10:02,773 --> 00:10:04,074
So, it's real.
254
00:10:04,075 --> 00:10:06,076
Good-looking dude. Oh, my God.
255
00:10:06,077 --> 00:10:08,612
I hope he has low self-esteem, because...
256
00:10:08,613 --> 00:10:10,447
Is he a massive asshole?
257
00:10:10,448 --> 00:10:13,049
Does he hate puppies and poor people?
258
00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:14,417
I think so.
259
00:10:14,418 --> 00:10:15,719
I mean, I got that sense from him.
260
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,253
He didn't... we didn't
talk long, but he was...
261
00:10:17,254 --> 00:10:18,521
Fuck Andy.
262
00:10:18,522 --> 00:10:20,290
Yeah. Exactly. Fuck that guy.
263
00:10:20,292 --> 00:10:22,949
- Pizza.
- Mm. Yes.
264
00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:26,396
[♪]
265
00:10:26,397 --> 00:10:28,498
Okay.
266
00:10:28,499 --> 00:10:31,835
Okay, who's gonna eat these leftovers?
267
00:10:31,836 --> 00:10:34,137
Please. You'll be lucky
if you get a whole slice.
268
00:10:34,138 --> 00:10:35,639
Oh, is that right?
269
00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:38,509
Mm.
270
00:10:39,543 --> 00:10:41,277
So hot.
271
00:10:41,278 --> 00:10:43,513
Mm. That's where the ranch comes in.
272
00:10:43,514 --> 00:10:46,750
Every element in this
operation has a vital purpose
273
00:10:46,751 --> 00:10:49,119
to the flavor and the combo.
274
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,455
No, I was, uh... I meant you.
275
00:10:52,456 --> 00:10:55,458
So, this does it for you?
276
00:10:55,459 --> 00:10:57,327
Weirdly so. Yes, it does.
277
00:10:57,328 --> 00:11:00,530
What about you, huh?
278
00:11:00,531 --> 00:11:03,567
You like this guy?
279
00:11:06,470 --> 00:11:08,271
Let me know when you decide, okay?
280
00:11:08,272 --> 00:11:09,506
What?
281
00:11:09,507 --> 00:11:10,907
- Yes?
- Oh, no. No, no.
282
00:11:10,908 --> 00:11:12,876
- I was, um...
- I'll... I'll be here.
283
00:11:12,877 --> 00:11:14,477
No, I wa...
284
00:11:14,478 --> 00:11:16,813
I... I don't actually know
what I was thinking about.
285
00:11:16,814 --> 00:11:18,081
- Mm.
- Sorry.
286
00:11:18,082 --> 00:11:19,816
- You don't know?
- No, I... I know that
287
00:11:19,817 --> 00:11:22,318
it probably looked like
I was, like, pondering you
288
00:11:22,319 --> 00:11:24,688
- or I, um, was just...
- [cellphone chimes]
289
00:11:28,726 --> 00:11:31,628
No, I'm... I don't know
what I was thinking. Sorry.
290
00:11:31,629 --> 00:11:34,531
- I was just... I was...
- [cellphone chimes]
291
00:11:39,703 --> 00:11:40,937
Iz?
292
00:11:40,938 --> 00:11:42,505
Hey, Iz?
293
00:11:42,506 --> 00:11:43,707
Yeah.
294
00:11:43,708 --> 00:11:46,709
Everything all right?
295
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:50,014
[♪]
296
00:11:52,049 --> 00:11:53,149
Nope.
297
00:11:53,150 --> 00:11:54,517
God damn it. She's with Andy.
298
00:11:54,518 --> 00:11:56,019
I'm telling you. He has one of those faces
299
00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:57,754
that is just begging to be punched.
300
00:11:57,755 --> 00:11:59,689
I've never seen him, but I totally agree.
301
00:11:59,690 --> 00:12:01,257
Meet you at home?
302
00:12:01,258 --> 00:12:03,026
Yeah. I just got to
stop by the office first,
303
00:12:03,027 --> 00:12:04,594
but I'll be right behind you.
304
00:12:04,595 --> 00:12:06,162
Ooh. I could be into that.
305
00:12:06,163 --> 00:12:07,564
- Yeah.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]
306
00:12:07,565 --> 00:12:10,668
[♪]
307
00:12:13,237 --> 00:12:15,405
Hey, come on! We can do it!
308
00:12:15,406 --> 00:12:17,807
We can make it.
309
00:12:17,808 --> 00:12:19,977
Come on.
310
00:12:24,582 --> 00:12:26,726
Hi, Lori.
311
00:12:26,877 --> 00:12:28,314
Hey, Em!
312
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:34,090
Gosh. You Trakarskys sure
are friendly all of a sudden.
313
00:12:34,091 --> 00:12:35,458
Oh, yeah.
314
00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:37,160
It's a, uh, fertility karma thing.
315
00:12:37,161 --> 00:12:38,795
I'm a good person. See?
316
00:12:38,796 --> 00:12:40,497
So, you're running now.
317
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:41,698
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
318
00:12:41,699 --> 00:12:44,033
You trying to lose, um... I mean...
319
00:12:44,034 --> 00:12:45,502
Are you asking if I'm
trying to lose weight?
320
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:46,469
What? No.
321
00:12:46,470 --> 00:12:47,804
I... I... no. I was...
322
00:12:47,805 --> 00:12:49,405
Of course I'm trying to lose weight.
323
00:12:49,406 --> 00:12:50,907
I'm in my 40s.
324
00:12:50,908 --> 00:12:52,675
One perfectly innocent
burrito suddenly equals
325
00:12:52,676 --> 00:12:54,611
roughly 19 miles at a dead sprint.
326
00:12:54,612 --> 00:12:56,112
Yeah.
327
00:12:56,113 --> 00:12:59,015
That's funny, Lori.
328
00:12:59,016 --> 00:13:01,918
Try to be less obviously surprised.
329
00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:04,087
I'm sorry. I... I... I really am.
330
00:13:04,088 --> 00:13:06,656
Um, we should get together sometime.
331
00:13:06,657 --> 00:13:08,424
We are.
332
00:13:08,425 --> 00:13:11,261
Jack's grilling.
333
00:13:11,262 --> 00:13:12,862
He said you guys talked about it.
334
00:13:12,863 --> 00:13:14,864
Oh, yeah. Because, uh... 'cause he did.
335
00:13:14,865 --> 00:13:16,633
I... I just didn't know that it was...
336
00:13:16,634 --> 00:13:18,368
Will Jack's niece be joining us? What...
337
00:13:18,369 --> 00:13:20,503
- Jack's niece?
- What is her name again?
338
00:13:20,504 --> 00:13:22,172
Oh, uh, Izzy? Uh, no.
339
00:13:22,173 --> 00:13:24,073
I don't think so. She, um...
340
00:13:24,074 --> 00:13:26,276
Izzy?
341
00:13:26,277 --> 00:13:27,577
You said Izzy.
342
00:13:27,578 --> 00:13:31,114
Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
343
00:13:31,115 --> 00:13:33,116
That's right.
344
00:13:33,117 --> 00:13:34,651
What's right?
345
00:13:34,652 --> 00:13:36,319
Jacqueline Isabelle.
346
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,188
You know 20-somethings...
347
00:13:38,189 --> 00:13:40,890
Always trying to reinvent themselves.
348
00:13:40,891 --> 00:13:42,659
She prefers to be called Izzy,
349
00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:45,328
but Jack can't get used to it, so it's...
350
00:13:45,329 --> 00:13:47,463
Gosh, is everything okay with you two?
351
00:13:47,464 --> 00:13:49,899
'Cause he seemed a little
bit weird today, too.
352
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,201
He was all twitchy.
353
00:13:51,202 --> 00:13:52,669
This doesn't have anything to do
354
00:13:52,670 --> 00:13:54,704
with the Alumni Board review, does it?
355
00:13:54,705 --> 00:13:56,940
Well, listen, truth be told...
356
00:13:56,941 --> 00:13:58,675
Oh.
357
00:13:58,676 --> 00:14:01,311
... Jack has been snorting an
excessive amount of coke lately,
358
00:14:01,312 --> 00:14:04,348
so I think that might have
something to do with the twitchiness.
359
00:14:08,419 --> 00:14:11,354
[laughs]
360
00:14:11,355 --> 00:14:12,889
Yeah.
361
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:14,557
I guess we're both funny.
362
00:14:14,558 --> 00:14:17,026
Okay. Well, I look forward to steaks.
363
00:14:17,027 --> 00:14:18,494
You should.
364
00:14:18,495 --> 00:14:20,363
They'll be entirely made of cow meat.
365
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:21,598
Ooh! [Chuckles]
366
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:24,300
- Bye.
- Bye.
367
00:14:24,301 --> 00:14:25,568
Jackie?
368
00:14:25,569 --> 00:14:28,504
You could do better than that.
369
00:14:28,505 --> 00:14:30,173
[cork pops]
370
00:14:30,174 --> 00:14:33,376
What? What did you say? What did she say?
371
00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:34,978
Let's just hope she buys the notion
372
00:14:34,979 --> 00:14:36,813
that Jacqueline Isabelle now goes by Izzy
373
00:14:36,814 --> 00:14:38,248
and you didn't get the memo.
374
00:14:38,249 --> 00:14:41,451
That's pretty good, actually.
375
00:14:41,452 --> 00:14:42,819
Pretty good?
376
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,721
This from the guy who can only conjure up
377
00:14:44,722 --> 00:14:46,623
a diminutive of his own name.
378
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:49,192
I did this on the spot, in the driveway,
379
00:14:49,193 --> 00:14:51,628
after we came up with two different names
380
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:53,529
for a niece we don't have.
381
00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:54,998
So, apparently we're fighting now?
382
00:14:54,999 --> 00:14:56,466
I didn't get that memo, either.
383
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:59,535
I'm sorry.
384
00:14:59,536 --> 00:15:04,073
Do you think we're so frustrated
with our fertility shit
385
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:06,242
and our bourgeois life choices
386
00:15:06,243 --> 00:15:09,045
that we're passive-aggressively
sabotaging our own life?
387
00:15:09,046 --> 00:15:11,581
I don't think there's anything passive
388
00:15:11,582 --> 00:15:14,550
about inviting a third
party into our marriage.
389
00:15:14,551 --> 00:15:16,619
Is that what we're doing?
390
00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:17,854
I think so.
391
00:15:17,855 --> 00:15:20,057
Right? Isn't that what we're doing?
392
00:15:21,592 --> 00:15:23,059
Oh, God. I'm having trouble breathing.
393
00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:24,260
Oh, no, no, no. No, no. No.
394
00:15:24,261 --> 00:15:25,828
Can I do that?
395
00:15:25,829 --> 00:15:27,897
Is it possible to stop, just,
like, forget how to breathe?
396
00:15:27,898 --> 00:15:30,867
'Cause that's... [sighs]
397
00:15:30,868 --> 00:15:33,503
Look, I mean, we should stop, right?
398
00:15:33,504 --> 00:15:35,905
I mean, now that you've
said this out loud,
399
00:15:35,906 --> 00:15:38,374
we should... we should
absolutely just stop.
400
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,443
Just got to wake up and snap out of it,
401
00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:42,078
and come back to our senses?
402
00:15:42,079 --> 00:15:43,880
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this is insane.
403
00:15:43,881 --> 00:15:45,616
This is... this is not us, hon.
404
00:15:48,018 --> 00:15:50,019
Okay, I think you've used
all the oxygen for a week.
405
00:15:50,021 --> 00:15:51,216
- Okay? Just...
- I'm sorry.
406
00:15:51,218 --> 00:15:52,494
I'm having trouble to, like, regain...
407
00:15:52,496 --> 00:15:54,197
- It feels like I'm losing...
- Breathe.
408
00:15:54,199 --> 00:15:55,768
I am breathing. That's
what I'm trying to do.
409
00:15:55,770 --> 00:15:56,957
Like a human.
410
00:15:56,959 --> 00:15:58,027
You think she's gonna come?
411
00:15:58,028 --> 00:16:00,096
Should we call her and...
and tell her that...
412
00:16:00,097 --> 00:16:03,099
not to come, not to come by?
413
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:06,836
Or should we just let fate decide?
414
00:16:06,837 --> 00:16:09,072
Oh, you mean let Izzy decide.
415
00:16:09,073 --> 00:16:11,307
Tomato, po-tah-to.
416
00:16:11,308 --> 00:16:12,875
I don't know.
417
00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:14,844
If she comes, then
it's meant to be, right?
418
00:16:14,845 --> 00:16:16,879
And if she doesn't, then it's not.
419
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,584
[♪]
420
00:16:27,324 --> 00:16:30,360
Well, this is it.
421
00:16:30,361 --> 00:16:32,362
[cellphone chimes]
422
00:16:34,965 --> 00:16:37,300
Are you actually sure
that we've never met?
423
00:16:37,301 --> 00:16:41,171
Uh, yeah. I'm good with faces, so, um...
424
00:16:44,608 --> 00:16:46,577
Okay.
425
00:16:49,213 --> 00:16:51,915
Oh, fuck.
426
00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:55,084
Hey.
427
00:16:55,085 --> 00:16:57,520
Are you sure this is what you want?
428
00:16:57,521 --> 00:17:01,190
What is that supposed to
mean, ironic T-shirt guy?
429
00:17:01,191 --> 00:17:03,493
You... you get those T-shirts
430
00:17:03,494 --> 00:17:06,129
so people think you're fucking deep?
431
00:17:06,130 --> 00:17:07,397
You... you just walk around
432
00:17:07,398 --> 00:17:09,165
with... with your poetry on your shirt?
433
00:17:09,166 --> 00:17:12,168
But you just actually go
around fucking judging people?
434
00:17:12,169 --> 00:17:13,336
You don't even know me.
435
00:17:13,337 --> 00:17:16,205
Shit, I was just...
436
00:17:16,206 --> 00:17:18,207
I mean, I was asking 'cause...
437
00:17:18,208 --> 00:17:19,842
this is rape-y.
438
00:17:19,843 --> 00:17:22,345
You were just asking if this is really
439
00:17:22,346 --> 00:17:24,414
where I want you to drop me off.
440
00:17:24,415 --> 00:17:26,349
Right. That... that makes sense.
441
00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:29,218
Is this... is this the
end of Englewood here?
442
00:17:29,219 --> 00:17:30,787
Yeah.
443
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:33,256
Then this is what I want.
444
00:17:33,257 --> 00:17:34,390
I think.
445
00:17:34,391 --> 00:17:35,825
Look, it's none of my business,
446
00:17:35,826 --> 00:17:37,994
but I'm gonna spend the rest of the night
447
00:17:37,995 --> 00:17:39,962
trying to figure this out anyway.
448
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:43,066
What the hell's in those woods?
449
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,835
Uh, well, um...
450
00:17:45,836 --> 00:17:48,037
my aunt and my uncle.
451
00:17:48,038 --> 00:17:49,372
Yep.
452
00:17:49,373 --> 00:17:51,374
Uh, they like camping, so I'm, uh...
453
00:17:51,375 --> 00:17:53,409
It's just through the brush.
454
00:17:53,410 --> 00:17:56,413
Uh, I'll be good, though. I'm good.
455
00:18:00,417 --> 00:18:02,418
Fucking aunt, fucking uncle bullshit.
456
00:18:02,419 --> 00:18:04,854
Fucking Jack, fucking Emma.
457
00:18:04,855 --> 00:18:07,423
Okay, where am I?
458
00:18:07,424 --> 00:18:09,258
Ow! Fuck!
459
00:18:09,259 --> 00:18:11,127
[thunder rumbles]
460
00:18:11,128 --> 00:18:12,929
[Emma]: Oh, this Pinot ain't cutting it.
461
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:14,864
Think she'll bring that Indian pot?
462
00:18:14,865 --> 00:18:16,532
I believe it's called indica.
463
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:17,515
Well, whatever.
464
00:18:17,517 --> 00:18:19,836
It relaxes parts of me
I never knew existed.
465
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,471
She's not coming.
466
00:18:21,472 --> 00:18:24,340
The 25-year-old made the
sensible, adult decision.
467
00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:25,608
Good on her.
468
00:18:25,609 --> 00:18:28,478
[sighs] I should have specified a time.
469
00:18:28,479 --> 00:18:30,746
Why didn't I specify a time?
470
00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:32,048
Stupid.
471
00:18:32,049 --> 00:18:33,549
Fuck.
472
00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:36,752
I haven't felt this way since
you claimed you were sick
473
00:18:36,753 --> 00:18:38,554
and didn't return my calls for three days.
474
00:18:38,555 --> 00:18:41,457
Oh, you were so adorable,
standing in my hallway
475
00:18:41,458 --> 00:18:44,060
all misty-eyed with
chicken soup and sriracha.
476
00:18:44,061 --> 00:18:45,461
Nothing personal.
477
00:18:45,462 --> 00:18:47,363
An upper hand needed to be established.
478
00:18:47,364 --> 00:18:49,866
I wasn't misty-eyed. No, I was faking it.
479
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:52,502
I was faking... that
was my vulnerable face.
480
00:18:52,503 --> 00:18:54,103
I use to use that to try to get laid.
481
00:18:54,104 --> 00:18:56,072
- So, you upper-handed my upper hand?
- Worked, too.
482
00:18:56,073 --> 00:18:57,373
- Bullshit.
- I can do it right now.
483
00:18:57,374 --> 00:18:58,908
You want to see my vulnerable face?
484
00:18:58,909 --> 00:19:00,443
Yeah. I want to see your vulnerable face.
485
00:19:00,444 --> 00:19:02,379
Watch this. You ready?
486
00:19:06,183 --> 00:19:07,250
It's doing nothing.
487
00:19:07,251 --> 00:19:08,251
[pounding on door]
488
00:19:08,252 --> 00:19:09,986
Shit. She's here.
489
00:19:09,987 --> 00:19:11,187
Yes!
490
00:19:11,188 --> 00:19:12,522
Do I look okay?
491
00:19:12,523 --> 00:19:13,990
You look great.
492
00:19:13,991 --> 00:19:17,326
Hey.
493
00:19:17,327 --> 00:19:19,929
If you don't have something
that makes sense in a shot glass,
494
00:19:19,930 --> 00:19:22,131
I'm killing everyone but the pug.
495
00:19:22,132 --> 00:19:25,569
Uh, I got... tequila.
496
00:19:29,339 --> 00:19:30,373
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
497
00:19:30,374 --> 00:19:31,667
Sure.
498
00:19:32,366 --> 00:19:34,326
What's... what's the look?
499
00:19:34,328 --> 00:19:36,345
Why are you looking at me like that?
500
00:19:36,346 --> 00:19:39,215
Oh, it's just something that
doesn't work anymore, clearly.
501
00:19:39,216 --> 00:19:41,017
Let's get you in some dry clothes.
502
00:19:41,018 --> 00:19:42,585
Yeah, please.
503
00:19:42,586 --> 00:19:45,822
[♪]
504
00:20:03,232 --> 00:20:04,507
- Mom!
- Oh, my...
505
00:20:04,508 --> 00:20:06,442
[laughs]
506
00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:09,378
Yeah, next time you try
spying on the Trakarskys,
507
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:11,647
maybe you should water more than one bush.
508
00:20:11,648 --> 00:20:13,616
- No, I was not...
- Don't.
509
00:20:13,617 --> 00:20:15,918
We both know something
weird is going on with them
510
00:20:15,919 --> 00:20:17,620
and the niece that fell from the sky.
511
00:20:17,621 --> 00:20:19,121
- Right?
- Yeah!
512
00:20:19,122 --> 00:20:20,823
Totally.
513
00:20:20,824 --> 00:20:23,593
[mid-tempo music playing]
514
00:20:26,530 --> 00:20:28,598
That's different.
515
00:20:33,437 --> 00:20:35,605
Oh. Shrieking Squirrels.
516
00:20:35,606 --> 00:20:38,074
I know, right? It's horrible.
517
00:20:38,075 --> 00:20:40,409
No, no. It's the name of the band.
518
00:20:40,410 --> 00:20:42,612
They dropped, like,
yesterday on an indie site.
519
00:20:42,613 --> 00:20:45,448
Jack and Emma are nowhere near that cool.
520
00:20:45,449 --> 00:20:47,450
Oh.
521
00:20:47,451 --> 00:20:49,151
She's in there.
522
00:20:49,152 --> 00:20:50,886
[music continues]
523
00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:52,421
Oh.
524
00:20:52,422 --> 00:20:55,692
[indistinct singing]
525
00:20:58,662 --> 00:21:00,229
Oh.
526
00:21:00,230 --> 00:21:02,031
Okay. That's it. I am done.
527
00:21:02,032 --> 00:21:03,566
Em, we've had two.
528
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:05,001
- Really?
- Yeah.
529
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,235
Seems like more.
530
00:21:06,236 --> 00:21:07,470
[laughs]
531
00:21:07,471 --> 00:21:09,605
Did, uh... did you bring the vape?
532
00:21:09,606 --> 00:21:11,641
Does a bear shit in his pants? Hold on.
533
00:21:11,642 --> 00:21:15,879
Yeah, I don't think
that's the, um, expression.
534
00:21:18,448 --> 00:21:20,850
- Okay.
- No, wait. No. We can't...
535
00:21:20,851 --> 00:21:22,418
We... we can't do this. No.
536
00:21:22,419 --> 00:21:24,287
We have a lot of important
decisions to make.
537
00:21:24,288 --> 00:21:26,455
We have to talk about a bunch of stuff.
538
00:21:26,456 --> 00:21:28,324
We can't be stoned for this.
539
00:21:28,325 --> 00:21:30,292
We have to be honest.
540
00:21:30,293 --> 00:21:32,128
Right.
541
00:21:35,699 --> 00:21:37,533
Maybe we should have a shot first.
542
00:21:37,534 --> 00:21:40,269
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
543
00:21:40,270 --> 00:21:42,438
"You're such a great guy, Andy."
544
00:21:42,439 --> 00:21:44,507
"You're the best, Andy."
545
00:21:44,508 --> 00:21:46,642
"It's not you. It's me, Andy."
546
00:21:46,643 --> 00:21:50,880
"You're like human-shaped Ambien, Andy."
547
00:21:50,881 --> 00:21:53,549
No. Somebody seriously wrote that to you?
548
00:21:53,550 --> 00:21:55,851
The... the last one was implicit.
549
00:21:55,852 --> 00:22:00,122
All right. Well, next round's on, uh...
550
00:22:00,123 --> 00:22:02,458
What are you doing?
551
00:22:02,459 --> 00:22:03,926
That's how I know her.
552
00:22:03,927 --> 00:22:05,194
Know who?
553
00:22:05,195 --> 00:22:06,762
That girl I just dropped off.
554
00:22:06,763 --> 00:22:09,265
You come in with her a lot.
555
00:22:09,266 --> 00:22:10,299
Izzy?
556
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:13,369
Sure. That sounds about right.
557
00:22:13,370 --> 00:22:16,872
[upbeat music playing]
558
00:22:16,873 --> 00:22:18,407
Good, right? [Music stops]
559
00:22:18,408 --> 00:22:20,409
Why would you do that?
560
00:22:20,410 --> 00:22:24,113
Sorry, I... I can't listen to
music and talk at the same time.
561
00:22:24,114 --> 00:22:25,715
Is that gonna happen to me?
562
00:22:25,716 --> 00:22:29,118
Item one on the agenda is Andy.
563
00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:30,386
[sighs]
564
00:22:30,387 --> 00:22:34,990
Uh, no. Um...
565
00:22:34,991 --> 00:22:37,193
I was just trying to
make you guys jealous.
566
00:22:37,194 --> 00:22:38,494
Yeah, it worked.
567
00:22:38,495 --> 00:22:39,695
Really?
568
00:22:39,696 --> 00:22:41,698
Why?
569
00:22:42,933 --> 00:22:44,869
'Cause I needed to know if...
570
00:22:45,659 --> 00:22:48,275
You know... I don't know.
571
00:22:48,277 --> 00:22:49,538
We felt the same?
572
00:22:49,539 --> 00:22:50,874
Yeah.
573
00:22:52,442 --> 00:22:54,510
I have been going out of my mind
574
00:22:54,511 --> 00:22:56,445
thinking about a married couple
575
00:22:56,446 --> 00:22:59,348
that I met four days ago
getting it on without me.
576
00:22:59,349 --> 00:23:01,517
And, by the way, I know
how crazy that sounds.
577
00:23:01,518 --> 00:23:03,552
Like, if anyone was
to say that shit to me,
578
00:23:03,553 --> 00:23:05,187
I would be like, "You're mental."
579
00:23:05,188 --> 00:23:06,555
Like, I... Like, I... I get it.
580
00:23:06,556 --> 00:23:08,624
Well, I'm jealous when you're with Andy.
581
00:23:08,625 --> 00:23:10,393
I'm jealous when you're with Jack.
582
00:23:10,394 --> 00:23:12,395
- You are?
- Yes.
583
00:23:12,396 --> 00:23:14,396
Yeah. Me too. I'm super jealous.
584
00:23:14,397 --> 00:23:17,433
Like, not, obviously
Ja... I am Jack, so it's...
585
00:23:17,434 --> 00:23:19,468
it's opposite people,
586
00:23:19,469 --> 00:23:23,974
but I have the same feelings as you guys.
587
00:23:27,477 --> 00:23:30,413
How fucked up is this?
588
00:23:32,215 --> 00:23:35,484
Who decides what's
fucked up and what isn't?
589
00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:37,420
Society, for one.
590
00:23:37,421 --> 00:23:40,489
Or, you know, the people doing it.
591
00:23:40,490 --> 00:23:42,258
Right. That's... that's
actually way better.
592
00:23:42,259 --> 00:23:44,059
Mm-hmm.
593
00:23:44,060 --> 00:23:46,595
Well, whenever we tried to make
this a business arrangement,
594
00:23:46,596 --> 00:23:48,063
some weird form of therapy...
595
00:23:48,064 --> 00:23:50,032
No, it was... it was
always something else,
596
00:23:50,033 --> 00:23:51,668
right from the start, right?
597
00:23:54,271 --> 00:23:55,705
Hold on.
598
00:24:02,679 --> 00:24:04,480
- You never cashed the check?
- No.
599
00:24:04,481 --> 00:24:08,451
[♪]
600
00:24:12,289 --> 00:24:14,356
Now we can't hide behind it.
601
00:24:14,357 --> 00:24:17,159
[Andy]: So, let me get this straight.
602
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,662
You... you drove Izzy out to the 'burbs
603
00:24:19,663 --> 00:24:21,964
and you dropped her off in the woods?
604
00:24:21,965 --> 00:24:23,065
Yeah.
605
00:24:23,066 --> 00:24:24,838
Dude, I... I'm starting to feel
606
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,116
like I'm breaking a whole
bunch of unwritten laws.
607
00:24:27,118 --> 00:24:29,370
Well, you're not a lawyer or a doctor.
608
00:24:29,372 --> 00:24:30,506
You're, like, a bartender
609
00:24:30,507 --> 00:24:32,875
who occasionally drives
people places, so...
610
00:24:32,876 --> 00:24:34,677
Wow.
611
00:24:34,678 --> 00:24:39,281
Your powers of persuasion need
some fine-tuning there, sport.
612
00:24:39,282 --> 00:24:40,850
[Jack]: So, where do we go from here?
613
00:24:40,851 --> 00:24:43,586
I don't know.
614
00:24:43,587 --> 00:24:48,491
The logical question is, um...
615
00:24:48,492 --> 00:24:52,796
has anyone in this room
ever had a threesome?
616
00:24:57,334 --> 00:25:00,269
Oh, well, now, that's just offensive.
617
00:25:00,270 --> 00:25:01,537
Oh, shit.
618
00:25:01,538 --> 00:25:03,272
No, I... I thought you were
suggesting that, like...
619
00:25:03,273 --> 00:25:04,573
Well, yeah, no.
620
00:25:04,574 --> 00:25:06,141
I was suggesting, completely suggesting,
621
00:25:06,142 --> 00:25:08,410
but, I mean, it's not 1975, Barney Miller.
622
00:25:08,411 --> 00:25:10,714
Come on.
623
00:25:14,484 --> 00:25:15,784
No.
624
00:25:15,785 --> 00:25:18,287
Uh, no. Not me. No.
625
00:25:18,288 --> 00:25:21,556
- Izzy?
- No.
626
00:25:21,558 --> 00:25:23,593
No. Me neither.
627
00:25:26,563 --> 00:25:28,397
Here's what's gonna happen.
628
00:25:28,398 --> 00:25:34,503
I'm going to put $80 on this bar, okay?
629
00:25:34,504 --> 00:25:36,605
I'm gonna ask you to tell me
630
00:25:36,606 --> 00:25:39,242
exactly where you dropped her off.
631
00:25:40,644 --> 00:25:46,048
♪ I know you will not stop ♪
632
00:25:46,049 --> 00:25:50,419
♪ Until you see us drop ♪
633
00:25:50,420 --> 00:25:56,325
♪ Till you see us go up in
flames like dying stars ♪
634
00:25:56,326 --> 00:26:01,664
♪ I know your only thought ♪
635
00:26:01,665 --> 00:26:05,868
♪ Is how to win back what you lost ♪
636
00:26:05,869 --> 00:26:08,070
♪ Cover eyes with frost ♪
637
00:26:08,071 --> 00:26:12,474
♪ And fill our brains with poison ♪
638
00:26:12,475 --> 00:26:20,416
♪ World war is over now ♪
639
00:26:20,417 --> 00:26:24,417
synced and corrected by peritta
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