All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S01E04.Check.a.Box.720p.NF.WEB-DL.x264-Pahe.in

Previously on "You Me Her... "

I'm talking about an escort.

Here's my deal... I have to
charge you guys a premium.

It's a clearly defined
business arrangement.

Em and I are having crazy sex.

The real why I hired you is
to save my marriage actually.

I think I'm officially the
chick in this relationship.

Is that right?

Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?

We aren't spying, honey.

My wife Lori accepted a seat

on the Hamilton School Alumni Board.

What were you doing for three hours?

Um...

What are you doing?

Sleeping.

Well, fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?

- Wrong... no, down, down, down.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Is that it?
- Yeah, that's it.

You can hold this this long?

Yeah. Lots of Pilates.

Is this working for you?

Wow.

It feels like we gave
an orgasm to everyone

within a two-mile radius.

They must be so confused.

Yeah, holy shit. My
whole body's vibrating.

Do you think...

Do you think other people do it like this?

I think we just reinvented sex.

We should contact the editors
of appropriate medical journals.

I know this is gonna sound kind of crazy,

but I kind of wish we'd filmed it.

We were damn sexy.

Badass motherfucking sexy.

I feel like I'm shooting

pheromones off everywhere, you know,

just like breaking windows.

What got into you?

I think it was a ring finger,

but you would know better than I would.

You think you're funny, and that's...

that's so sweet.

Can I say something that will
almost certainly extinguish

- this beautiful afterglow?
- Might as well.

I think we've milked it for
all it's worth, anyway, so...

When we used to have sex, like,
before these past three days,

I always felt kind of
relieved afterwards, you know?

Like it was something we
didn't have to worry about

for another week or so.

Like we didn't have a problem?

Yeah.

What if it's all Izzy?

It's not Izzy.

It's us.

So things are good, young Jackson?

Whoa, hey. Geez.

- Yeah, things are good with me.
- Yeah?

Everything's as it was, status quo?

Same old, same old, huh?

Nothing new in your
life, nothing exciting,

nothing, well, unique or exotic?

You know that I know you know, right?

- I do now, okay.
- Okay.

So, I guess that means that
Carmen wasn't yoga pooping.

I don't know what that's supposed to mean,

but I don't like it.

- The point is, you know.
- Yeah.

- I definitely know, so?
- So?

So, that's it.

Lay it on me, man. I know you have
something to say. We don't drink coffee.

- You've never invited me for coffee once.
- What's wrong with a nice coffee?

There's nothing wrong with
it, but we don't do it.

- Well...
- It's not our thing,

so I know there's some other reason.

- You have some ulterior motive.
- I think you're a fucking moron.

- There it is.
- Okay? There, I said it.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, my God. What are you doing?

Everybody imagines another person

when they're with their partner, sure.

Put that in the back of your mind,

you close your eyes, three,
four minutes, you're done.

You forget about it. You
want to actually do this?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

This coffee is really good, though.

- In what way, specifically?
- I don't know.

It's bold without being bitter.

I feel like I'm tasting something sweet.

- Is it cranberry?
- Fuck you.

I'm talking... like, why is it so crazy?

What is... we're all consenting adults,

so what makes the whole situation crazy?

- I don't get it.
- Consenting adults?

Is that how you talk now?

What, did you just come
back from Burning Man?

This is not the Jack and
Emma that we know, okay?

What does that mean?

I don't even know what that's...

- "Consenting adults."
- Get out of here.

- Who are you?
- Are you insulting us now?

Because we are still the same people...

No, hey, let's go get you
some robes and some muumuus

and whatever velvet...
whatever you want to wear.

Cavalier attitude towards Chlamydia.

First person in this fucking town

to do something new and I get shit for it.

Oh, yeah? All of us plebeians, huh?

Just monogamous zombies just
lurching towards an abyss,

looking for brains.

"One brain. I'm monogamous."

You put it that way. I didn't.

You sound a little jealous, man.

Jealous? You think I'm
jealous of your situation?

- 'Cause you get to sleep with two women?
- Yep.

You think that's a big deal
to me? I've done that before.

Big deal. I'm a little jealous,
if I'm being honest with you.

How is it? Is it amazing?
Do you do two in one day?

Do you have to, like,
wash your balls in between?

That'd be polite, right?
That's good manners.

Actually I haven't done much.

- I mean, we're still...
- What?

We're still trying to
figure out the ground rules.

The guidelines and stuff,
I haven't figured it out.

- What have you done?
- Not much.

We have, like, a "no penetration" rule,

- which I'm still...
- I'm sorry?

- No penis or not penetration?
- I don't know.

We're still trying to figure
that out, to be honest.

But then they can still have sex.

I know, it's kind of unfair, right?

'Cause the vaginas... they
don't need penetration.

They just... you know, they mush together.

All I'm saying is I need
clarification on this.

I mean, if you want to find the G-spot,

you can't use a penis, as far as I know.

- I've never...
- You've got to use fingers.

To be honest, I've never found
a G-spot in my fucking life.

So, is it no penis or no penetration,

'cause if it's no penis, you're screwed

because you can penetrate
with other things.

You don't need a penis... fingers, tongue.

strap-ons, butt plugs, vibrators.

- I don't know, man.
- Fruit.

Whatever's around the house.

So, is that it? That's
all you came here to say?

Oh, okay, I'm not supposed
to be telling you this, but...

Okay.

Carmen thinks that Emma

doesn't just enjoy your
new friend's company.

Okay, she thinks she's, like...

you know.

She's talking about her like...

- Like, is smitten by her.
- Smitten?

- Yeah.
- She said that?

No, that's what I'm saying.

What about you, Jack?

Are you smitten?

Okay, I almost don't want to know,

but are you planning on doing something

weird with the raisins, or...

No. God, no.

Well, then why are you picking them out?

Because I enjoy the essence
left behind by the raisins

- far more than the raisins themselves.
- Hmm.

Like how memories are often
better than what actually was?

Yeah, okay, sure. Make
it a thing, Sigmund.

Hmm.

I'm gonna take a leap here

and guess that Randy isn't really good

at fixing stuff, but
that Randy's into hands.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

Well, my hands because they're adorable.

Yeah, those are, like,
weird, freaky kid hands.

Hi, I'm Izzy.

- Uh-huh. Okay, that's enough.
- I have baby hands.

Yeah, yeah, put them away.

Okay, why... why are you blowing him off?

You didn't have time for a mani?

Being a little rough on
the handyman, aren't you?

Mm.

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

You're on call for the Griswolds.

Well, you know, I had my
date with Emma last night.

We were on the rooftop

of the tallest building in Yamhill.

- It was pretty awesome.
- Okay, no.

No, that is not a session.

That's like a fucking
lesbian romance novel.

Okay. Let me just get this straight.

So, in your damaged mind,

letting a guy lick my dirty,
sticky hands is A-okay,

but having a toss-and-tumble

on a rooftop is just,
like, inexplicable...

You're falling for a married woman.

You're, like, mooning over selfies

of the two of you, so yes, dipshit,

- that is much, much worse.
- Okay.

May I remind you that it
is a program, you know?

A finite business arrangement

- that we agreed upon like adults.
- No, no.

You are playing with matches, young lady,

and you might just burn
down a real-life marriage.

Wow. Well, you're being
the voice of reason,

and that is fucking terrifying.

What do you think is gonna happen here?

I mean, just give me like... I don't know.

Give me, like, two seconds of
relative lucidity and tell me

how this ends without somebody
getting seriously hurt.

Most likely you.

Well, you've ruined my
morning, so, thank you.

Hey.

'Sup, Jack?

Ava, come on. Seriously.

- How many times... It's Mr. Trakarsky, okay?
- Hmm.

- Here and everywhere else. It's actually Dr. Trakarsky.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you see... but I'm not pretentious.

- So Mr. Trakarsky...
- No, you know, Dean Trakarsky.

- Well, maybe.
- Yeah?

You know, hello, Berkeley.

- No.
- I'm Ava.

No, you're not gonna get
any preferential treatment

if that's what you think, okay?

If you want to go to Berkeley,

you got to do what everybody else does.

So who is that chick who got dropped off

at your house two nights ago?

Hmm?

Um...

The...

Earth to neighbor dude.

- No, what?
- Hmm?

It'd be... which...

Dropped by around 7:00?

Like, the cleaning lady, or...

Why are you being so weird?

Your "Lolita" act is not going over well

on me or anyone else.

I'm just intoxicated with
my newly discovered power.

Ow, that is...

I'm basically a monkey with a gun.

Monkey with a gun. What is that?

Is that from your shrink?

So, enough about me, hmm?

Who was the chick?

Why do I have to tell you that?

And why don't you want to?

- Because... well, there's...
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, she was my... she's my niece.

There. Simple as that.

- Hmm.
- She's Jackie.

Is everyone in your family
named some derivative of Jack?

Not... no, I mean, there's...
there's several of us

because I had a great-great-grand...

We had a great-grandfather named Jack

who was like pretty much most important,

you know, in the family.

He was very well-regarded
in the community.

- Like a prominent...
- So.

You have a niece... in her 20s.

Wow.

You must be old as shit.

Come on. Again with the language.

God.

I have an older sister.

- She's 11 years old than me, and she...
- Wow.

She has a daughter who's my niece.

And she just transferred to
Griffin, so she's new in town.

So you haven't seen her, but
I have 'cause she's my niece.

- Mm.
- And she came over.

- She stopped by for a visit.
- For, like, an hour.

I don't know how long it was.
I wasn't... I wasn't timing it.

Whatever. Mm.

My mom thinks you guys are weird, so...

Wait, what? Your mom thinks we're weird?

You know, it's probably spite.

Lori's big on the spite.

Why would she have any spite towards me?

Neighborhoods are a lot like high school.

You cool kids don't hang out
with her or Paul very often.

You call both your parents
by the first names, as well?

Yeah, they totally hate it.

Yeah, and your mom's now
on the Alumni Board, right?

I know.

Eek, right?

Eek.

Let me guess. You're
nervous as hell, right?

I was a mess all day yesterday.

We have a serious fucking Lori problem.

- A Lori problem?
- Yes.

Ava just asked who that
"chick" was at our house.

Apparently both she and
Lori saw Izzy get dropped off

and then leave within, like, an hour,

which is pretty fucking hard to explain.

Ava's 16, Jack.

Oh, yeah, you just keep
telling yourself that, okay?

Oh, God, you know, I
usually tell this to my kids,

but I think it applies
to our situation now.

And that is, you know,

maybe we should get off the train tracks

before the train runs us over.

So, you think Ava and Lori assume

a young woman visiting our house

automatically means
we're having a three-way?

I... I told her she was my niece,

- Val's daughter.
- Well, did she buy it?

God, I hope so.

By the way, Lori is pissed at us.

She thinks we leave her
out of stuff, apparently.

Lori, who is now, you know,

- on the Alumni Board.
- Babe.

Babe, just take a breath.

Take a breath. Breathe.

I am trying, Em, but I need this.

- I want to be Dean of this place... of Hamilton.
- Of course you do.

I mean, if I get to be Dean of
Hamilton, then the sky's the limit.

I mean, I can be Dean
of Griffin College or

Lewis & Clark or something,
as long as I don't blow this.

Okay, okay. I get it.

Izzy can't come to the house anymore.

- Out of sight, out of mind.
- Okay, honey.

- Love you very much. Lori.
- Jack.

- Hi.
- Hi, oh, okay.

- Hey, Lori.
- That's a first.

No, I just... I'm starting

my ass-kissing campaign a little early.

Right.

- Because you're... yeah.
- Everything okay?

- You seem a little agitated.
- Good.

- No. No, no.
- Oh.

We were just talking about...
we're gonna have a little soir�e

with everyone in the neighborhood...

you and Paul, of course, Carmen and Dave.

I'm gonna buy some steaks.

That's what we were talking
about, 'cause you love steak.

- And you like steak, right?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- And beers. You know how it is.

Well, actually, no, because
you never include us.

Yes, we... We have.

- No, not once.
- Have...

- Didn't we...
- Never been to your house.

Um, that's the thing. We haven't had many.

That's why we're talking about it...

to have... we have a lot of people

we have to repay in
the neighborhood, and...

Uh, I have an Alumni Board meeting, so...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

- So, it's... no, we're gonna...
- What? I... that's...

No, two is cra... what are we, European?

Jack.

You do know I was kidding about
the kissing up thing, right?

- Yeah.
- The stick's not quite as far up my ass

- as Carmen and Emma seem to think it is.
- No, no.

- They don't think that.
- Well...

No, no, they never...
they really enjoy you.

We all do. And Paul, too.

Send my love to him
once you're... can you...

Oh, my God? What the fuck was I doing?

Hey, does standing in line for 20 minutes

to pay 9 bucks for a bottle of green juice

that tastes like dirt
make us fucking idiots?

- Mine was $11.
- Mm.

- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.

That was rhetorical, by the way.

I absolutely know it isn't.

Mm. Jack's panicking.

I mean, but that's what Jack does, right?

- He... he panics.
- Let me guess.

Something to do with the 20-something

you've invited into your marriage

and the power-hungry neighbor

recently appointed to a governing body

that will determine your
husband's professional fate?

- How do you do that?
- Well, I'd tell you,

but you'd have to meet me and the others

in the woods at midnight
with a decapitated cat.

Gross.

You know, Jack panics.

It's what he does, right?

Yeah.

So, I have a meeting
with Professor Lawrence

and I'm pretty sure
that he wants to bone me.

You're hot and 25 and he's 60

and smells like patchouli
and forgotten dreams.

- Shocker.
- Yeah, I know.

But it helps my underlying insecurity

to say it out loud, like a mantra.

Everybody wants to bone me.

Everybody wants to bone me.

Everybody wants to bone Nina Martone.

I think I might really like Andy.

And I only have five
minutes to convince him

to have pizza with me
before I have to figure out

what the hell I'm gonna wear
on my date with Jack, so...

Uh, okay. What?

Pizza is totally platonic.

Everybody knows that.

Are you trying to trick me

into thinking we've been
having a conversation?

No, I am offering to buy
you lunch at Slice on Fifth.

We can talk it out.

Just say yes.

1:00. Please.

I like you.

You like me?

What? I don't know how else to say it.

Well, maybe you could
give, like, Nina a note

with boxes to check.

"Do you like me back? Yes or No."

So, which is it?

You do not want me to make
this easier for you, Iz.

Three months of broken dates,

sloppy 2:00 A.M. booty calls.

Listen. L... look at me.

You realize this is the first time

you've ever looked me in the
eye and said, "I like you."

So, would you categorize me
as emotionally unavailable?

Check a box.

Well, which box is it?

I think you know.

Come on.

One hour of your time over pizza.

Yes or No.

I guess you'll find out.

Do you mind if I real-talk
to you for a second?

It's so nice of you to
pretend I have a choice.

You keep up with this stupid shit,

you're gonna wake up years from now alone,

your tits on your belly, thinking,

"Where did my awesome life go?"

Just to be clear, are my saggy tits

- having the epiphany, or...
- Grammar, really?

You're seriously struggling
with this right now?

- Yes.
- You're married.

Who are you?

Help me, Carmen.

I... I can't be trusted to
make good choices right now.

Just tell me what to do.

Okay, so that's called a phone.

You want to tap on the little
icon labeled "Contacts."

Scroll down to the I's.

Narrow your search until
you arrive at "Izzy."

All you got to do is tell her it's over

and she can keep the money.

You got to do what's
best for your marriage.

Right. Simple... so simple.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I can do it. Geez.

I am gonna count to 10.

And then I'm gonna take your phone

and I'm gonna call Little
Miss Footjob myself.

Don't even try to run

because I will catch you
without breaking a sweat.

You know I'm right.

God damn it.

Uh, maybe because you didn't invite her to

your poker luau last
episode, you cunt-tard.

What the fuck? Aah!

Are you seriously just standing there

watching me through the peephole?

You can't just drop by.

You just dropped by our house
unannounced like 36 hours ago,

so I think... can you
just open the door, please?

Um...

Uh, just give me a minute!

Um...

I'm not... I'm not dressed.

How can you not be
dressed? It's, like, 12:30.

I was dressed. Now I'm not.

And soon I will be again. Do
you have a problem with that?

Why would you even bother to...

You know what? Never mind.

- Can I...
- I guess so.

Sorry, the, uh, housekeeper's on vacation.

Well, it's... let me guess.

Is it three weeks of dirty laundry,

some medical weed,

and maybe five expired food items?

Hmm. Could I offer you some espresso?

- Yeah, I would love some.
- Yeah?

I'm just fucking with you.

Do you honestly think I
have an espresso maker?

Okay, Fred, so what are you doing here?

Um, well, Emma and I have been tal...

We had a discussion this morning,

and it turns out we won't be
requiring your services anymore.

- I see.
- Yeah.

I mean, I think we achieved
the desired results, right?

We're not asking for refund
or anything, so I know this...

Okay, so this is where I call bullshit.

Oh, really? How so?

Well, first of all,
you're acting super weird,

and part of what you're
saying is Grade-A bullshit.

Which part?

- The Emma part.
- What was the... Emma?

I don't even know what
that... what's the Emma part?

Yeah.

What are you... No. What are you doing?

I'm just giving Emma a quick call.

No, you're not. Please.
Okay, fine. It's me, okay?

- It's me. Yeah.
- That's what I thought.

I'm the one that's
canceling this. It's over.

It's... I'm terminating
the relationship, okay?

And please do not call my wife again.

And do not answer any
messages from her, okay?

Oh, said the misogynistic dickface.

What, we're gonna call
each other names now?

- Is that what's happening?
- You know what?

I'm going to consider this
evening's appointment canceled,

and whatever the rest
of us consenting adults

choose to do is entirely up to us.

I'm the only one being an adult here.

You're the only adult? Is that right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

So I'm gonna ask you a question, Jack.

How long after we terminate the agreement

before you call me on your own, hmm?

Not going to.

Want to make a bet?

Mm-hmm.

I say two weeks, max.

Sure.

- Don't do that.
- Don't what?

- Don't do that.
- Don't do what?

You think you're irresistible?

Don't you?

- Oh, you don't think about me?
- Okay.

Fine, you win.

Ow, fuck.

- Is that okay?
- That's fine, that's fine.

Stop talking.

Does this count as our date?

- What?
- Does this count as a date?

No. God, stop talking.

You're so fucking chatty.

Okay, I want you so bad.

Maybe I should terminate you.

You're a horrible person. You know that?

I thought I was irresistible.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Fucking kidding me?

Izzy, my grandma's antique lamp?

I'm sorry, Nina. Um, I'll get that fixed.

Damn fucking right, you will.

Who the hell is that?

Is he a client? He better not be a client

because you know that's
breaking rule number one...

never let clients know where we live.

Oh. Oh, holy shit.

That's Clark Griswold, isn't it?

Clark Griswold is a fictional character

played by Chevy Chase
in a 1980s feature film.

Just stop. Yes, it... yes, it's him.

Okay, so I'm gonna ask.

Is Mr. Griswold here a client,
or is he something else?

Um...