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11:03:05,506 --> 00:00:03,503
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Previously on You, Me, Her...
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You do it with someone you don't know...
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someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.
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I'm talking about an escort.
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00:00:14,999 --> 00:00:16,999
Jack Trakarsky?
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I'm Izzy Silva.
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I met Izzy today.
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We made out.
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After she gave me a
footjob under the table.
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00:00:22,873 --> 00:00:24,206
I kind of feel like
I'm dangling my marriage
12
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out a 10-story window right now.
13
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Weinstock is retiring as Dean.
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00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,613
He's recommending me as his replacement.
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Izzy's an escort.
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You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.
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00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:37,754
Mom! What are you doing?
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- So, hi,
- Hi.
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00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,162
Hi.
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I can't feel my hands, or my feet,
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or the top of my head.
Do I smell baked goods?
22
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Does that mean I'm having a stroke?
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Oh, it's a candle.
24
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"Pumpkin Spice." Um...
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A stroke is burnt toast.
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That's good to know, thank you.
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Just the three of us here,
now, first time, together,
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in close proximity.
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Kinda...
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kinda takes it to the next level.
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00:01:23,727 --> 00:01:25,539
Yeah. Um...
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I sprinted away from a
date with an amazing guy,
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00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,616
cyber-stalked your home address,
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and just barely escaped
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the warning screams of my inner critic.
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This is nice here. I like your house.
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We were just talking about you,
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literally two seconds before
you knocked on the door.
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00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,751
It's, like, strange.
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That's so sweet.
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And weird.
42
00:01:46,957 --> 00:01:49,949
So how long am I gonna be
chained up in your basement?
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I'm mostly free until
midterms in December, so.
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00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,664
She does that.
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00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:58,613
Well, you know, Jack's made
it real cozy down there.
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Fridge, mini-bar, couch.
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Good. I'm in.
48
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We have Quaaludes down there
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which will erode your sense of time,
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if that's your thing.
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This is so not us.
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00:02:10,456 --> 00:02:12,792
We've never done
anything like this before.
53
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Haven't dusted off
that line since college.
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- Honey, you used that line on me.
- Don't... don't obsess.
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Man, I am really nervous.
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00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:23,876
Is my voice as shaky
as it sounds in my head?
57
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Did someone mention Quaaludes?
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- Yeah, I was joking.
- Oh, sorry.
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- Yeah, we don't... we don't have any sedatives.
- No.
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- We have a...
- We have a load good wine.
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- ... case.
- Fantastic wine.
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- Yeah, a case of wine that we got at this...
- A Pinot, we got at the vineyard.
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- ... fantastic little vineyard.
- She loves it.
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- It was beautiful. In Northern California.
- And it's not too expensive.
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- But it's perfect...
- We should really go.
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We had a really nice time there.
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We kind of have some of that.
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- If that's your thing.
- It's delicious. Made of grapes.
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Yes.
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All right, let's pop
some corks, dickheads.
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Do we look like dickheads?
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I think she meant that affectionately.
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This should do.
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- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe not those.
- Not those.
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00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,149
- They're not really for drinking.
- Yeah. They're for show.
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00:03:07,236 --> 00:03:08,771
Well, I'd summarize it like this...
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00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:09,906
we, that is,
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00:03:10,415 --> 00:03:12,374
Jack and I, have crossed a threshold
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into a unique marital dimension...
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Speaking of talking like we're high...
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Oh, when I get just the right combination
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of nervous and inebriated,
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I get grandiloquent and orotund
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and I use words that nobody uses,
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and then I try and negate it
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with a disarming self-awareness...
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Um, after that,
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I have to insist.
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This is a gentle, well-intentioned Indica.
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Indi-what?
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Indica.
92
00:03:38,015 --> 00:03:39,478
No minds will be blown.
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The best kind of pot you can find.
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00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:43,052
Oh, it's weed?
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00:03:50,757 --> 00:03:54,339
If you were to create
"A Good Guy" in a lab...
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that's what I left on a bar stool.
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How fucked up is that?
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00:04:00,557 --> 00:04:03,892
Should we talk about your
obvious commitment issues?
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00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:06,303
Shall we revisit what
I told you last time?
100
00:04:06,576 --> 00:04:07,646
Blow me?
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00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:14,638
Why do we talk about Izzy all the time?
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00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,693
Why did she impulsively come over?
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00:04:17,695 --> 00:04:21,110
Why are we doing whatever
it is we're doing?
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00:04:21,111 --> 00:04:23,379
Why, why, why, why...
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00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:24,682
why...
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The house of why.
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You got the hiccups?
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I get stoned super easy these days.
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Have you noticed?
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00:04:36,741 --> 00:04:39,674
I keep replaying what
happened at that bar.
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00:04:40,483 --> 00:04:42,702
I pleasured myself at
my desk, thinking of you.
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You didn't? You didn't?
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I did.
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Emma.
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We both masturbated at
our respective workplaces.
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You didn't?
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And now we're sitting here in
our living room telling you.
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This isn't weird at all.
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Are you freaked out?
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You must be so freaked out.
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You can run. We won't tackle you.
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No. No, no, no.
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00:05:03,820 --> 00:05:05,421
I am way too insecure
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to feel anything but flattered
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00:05:08,091 --> 00:05:10,560
that anybody would jack off to me.
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Guys, I need you to know
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that I, like, have done
nothing but think about you.
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00:05:17,033 --> 00:05:20,102
I have tried to wash it away
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00:05:20,103 --> 00:05:21,837
with... with booze
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00:05:21,838 --> 00:05:23,972
and... and cleaning products,
131
00:05:23,973 --> 00:05:26,775
but you guys are stubborn.
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Like a stain.
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Like a... like a beautiful stain.
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Very handsome...
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00:05:32,382 --> 00:05:35,184
handsome...
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00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:36,452
stain.
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00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:48,331
Yeah, but we agree that this is
a business arrangement, right?
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00:05:52,802 --> 00:05:54,536
Yeah. Of course.
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00:05:54,537 --> 00:05:57,072
Abso-fucking-lutely.
140
00:05:57,073 --> 00:05:59,208
Yeah. Rent doesn't pay itself.
141
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:01,343
She's like our mutual hall pass.
142
00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:02,544
Yeah.
143
00:06:02,545 --> 00:06:04,413
Yeah, we each get two
sessions a week with her?
144
00:06:04,414 --> 00:06:06,082
I mean... I mean, you.
145
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,351
Thank you for remembering
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00:06:09,352 --> 00:06:12,287
that I'm both present and a human being.
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00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,022
We could just book her for the whole month
148
00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:14,957
and then we can revisit it...
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00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,024
Yeah.
150
00:06:16,025 --> 00:06:17,160
... at that point.
151
00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:21,630
Okay, so...
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00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,566
here's my deal...
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00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:25,367
I'm probably gonna be shutting
down a lot of regulars,
154
00:06:25,368 --> 00:06:26,435
I'll probably lose a few,
155
00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:29,104
so I'm gonna have to
charge you guys a premium.
156
00:06:29,105 --> 00:06:30,973
Oh, and I'm gonna have to get you guys
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00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,574
to pay the month in advance
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00:06:32,575 --> 00:06:34,576
to hold Mondays through Thursdays,
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'cause weekends are for
non-paying relationships only.
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00:06:39,115 --> 00:06:40,182
So, we good?
161
00:06:40,183 --> 00:06:43,118
I'm good. You good, Em?
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00:06:43,119 --> 00:06:44,453
Yeah, but we agree
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that the intimacy is, like,
non-penetrationable, right?
164
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:52,060
Okay, so if that's that,
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00:06:52,061 --> 00:06:55,130
does anyone want to write
up a formal contract,
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00:06:55,131 --> 00:06:58,935
or will a spirited round of
businessman handshakes suffice?
167
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,540
That's my ride at the
corner, so I'm gonna fly.
168
00:07:05,395 --> 00:07:07,263
Mr. Trakarsky.
169
00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:08,818
Mrs. Trakarsky.
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It's been a fucking slice.
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00:07:17,454 --> 00:07:19,455
- Did she leave?
- Yeah.
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00:07:19,456 --> 00:07:20,522
She took the weed.
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00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:27,596
I know I started it,
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00:07:27,597 --> 00:07:30,132
but I really think we got too
business-ey with Izzy last night.
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Objectified her. Hurt her feelings.
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00:07:32,402 --> 00:07:34,002
Honey, she is an escort
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and we are her clients,
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so the whole situation
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00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,540
is inherently business-ey.
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00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,242
I just think we need to set
clear boundaries, you know,
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00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,438
and make sure this whole thing
doesn't spin out of control.
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00:07:44,079 --> 00:07:45,347
You mean so one of us
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00:07:45,348 --> 00:07:46,548
doesn't develop feelings for another?
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00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,417
Maybe.
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00:07:48,418 --> 00:07:51,887
Has one of us already
developed feelings for another?
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00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,222
No.
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00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,690
I saw those googly eyes you
were giving her last night.
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00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,024
Googly eyes?
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00:07:56,025 --> 00:07:57,226
Those are my stoned eyes.
190
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:00,028
I totally know the difference,
and those were googly eyes.
191
00:08:00,029 --> 00:08:01,096
I know your stoned eyes.
192
00:08:01,097 --> 00:08:02,164
I'm telling you,
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00:08:02,165 --> 00:08:03,232
all throughout college,
194
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,299
people were like, "Hey,
are you hitting on me?"
195
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,501
I was like, "No, I'm just
super high over here."
196
00:08:05,502 --> 00:08:06,435
- That is not true.
- It is true.
197
00:08:06,436 --> 00:08:07,503
I don't believe that.
198
00:08:07,504 --> 00:08:10,038
Were they red? Like,
very reddish? But squinty?
199
00:08:10,039 --> 00:08:11,240
I know your googly eyes.
200
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,242
That's not it, okay, so stop saying it.
201
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,977
I don't know why I have to defend myself.
202
00:08:14,978 --> 00:08:17,112
I just think it's better for all of us
203
00:08:17,113 --> 00:08:18,180
if we have it
204
00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:20,048
as a clearly defined
business arrangement, okay?
205
00:08:20,049 --> 00:08:21,517
Payment for services rendered.
206
00:08:21,518 --> 00:08:22,584
Okay.
207
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,785
Right.
208
00:08:23,786 --> 00:08:26,255
So how do we decide who gets her first?
209
00:08:27,123 --> 00:08:28,590
- Ew.
- Yeah.
210
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,592
Ew. That sounded bad.
211
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,461
I just grossed myself out.
212
00:08:32,462 --> 00:08:34,263
Just flip a coin?
213
00:08:35,532 --> 00:08:36,465
Rock-paper-scissors?
214
00:08:36,466 --> 00:08:37,933
You know what? I'm just gonna go first.
215
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,935
- How is that fair?
- Ladies first.
216
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,915
There's two ladies in this
situation. That's unfair.
217
00:08:42,928 --> 00:08:44,773
I will never get to go first. Like, ever.
218
00:08:44,974 --> 00:08:45,641
Once every three times, I guess,
219
00:08:45,642 --> 00:08:47,610
but... that's not enough.
220
00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:50,612
Should be 50/50. We should...
221
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,750
Ladies... Oh, my. Hello.
222
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:57,953
- Is this... us deciding?
- Uh-huh.
223
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,222
Oh, my God.
224
00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:09,565
So we have a deal?
225
00:09:09,566 --> 00:09:12,367
- I get to go first?
- Mm-hmm.
226
00:09:12,368 --> 00:09:13,435
You promise?
227
00:09:13,436 --> 00:09:15,170
No.
228
00:09:15,171 --> 00:09:16,104
Should I stop?
229
00:09:16,105 --> 00:09:18,106
Is this how we're gonna
decide things from now on?
230
00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:20,642
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
231
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,244
Do you like it?
232
00:09:22,245 --> 00:09:23,712
I do, but I feel like
I'm being short-sighted.
233
00:09:23,713 --> 00:09:25,648
Stupid penis.
234
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,184
Through the use of rational thought.
235
00:09:29,185 --> 00:09:30,252
But with sensory memory,
236
00:09:30,253 --> 00:09:32,120
the brain is designed
237
00:09:32,121 --> 00:09:34,256
only to process information
238
00:09:34,257 --> 00:09:36,391
that will be useful at a later date.
239
00:09:36,392 --> 00:09:38,260
Psst!
240
00:09:38,261 --> 00:09:40,329
Sorry. Sorry.
241
00:09:42,131 --> 00:09:45,401
You could meet me halfway
and move your legs, dickface?
242
00:09:48,938 --> 00:09:50,473
Hi.
243
00:09:53,476 --> 00:09:55,611
I'm in class dressed
like a horny WNBA player.
244
00:09:55,612 --> 00:09:57,346
You could at least ask.
245
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,348
Kinda tells its own story, man.
246
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,017
I had to Google an hour's
worth of basketball jargon.
247
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,619
In case it, like, ever comes up,
248
00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:04,686
there really isn't
249
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,421
an hour's worth of basketball jargon,
250
00:10:06,422 --> 00:10:08,557
so I just started, like, making shit up.
251
00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:09,491
Yeah.
252
00:10:09,492 --> 00:10:10,652
Hey, can I borrow your notes?
253
00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:14,296
All yours.
254
00:10:14,297 --> 00:10:16,766
What have you been doing
for the last 34 minutes?
255
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,571
I honestly have no idea.
256
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:30,712
I'm gonna need your notes, Stan.
Two copies, bring 'em tomorrow?
257
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,782
Sure. Absolutely.
258
00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,385
It's Kyle, by the way.
259
00:10:38,187 --> 00:10:39,655
But Stan works. Yeah.
260
00:10:39,656 --> 00:10:41,858
I can be Stan.
261
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:45,527
Don't worry. Ken's got it.
262
00:10:45,528 --> 00:10:47,864
He just told you his name was Dan.
263
00:10:48,804 --> 00:10:50,332
- What?
- Kyle.
264
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,266
- Kyle.
- Kyle?
265
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,007
Sorry I'm late, Frank.
266
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:00,075
College essays.
267
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,744
My God, is it possible for every
kid who has under a three-five
268
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,212
to have ADHD
269
00:11:04,213 --> 00:11:06,027
and multiple deaths in the family?
270
00:11:06,029 --> 00:11:07,058
I miss the days
271
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:09,284
when you still felt obligated
to kiss my ass and call me Dean.
272
00:11:09,285 --> 00:11:11,019
You're in my fucking chair, Dean.
273
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:12,621
Kiss my ass, Jack.
274
00:11:12,622 --> 00:11:13,689
Got it.
275
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:14,756
I'm not even officially retired yet,
276
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:17,693
and I'm already bored to fucking death.
277
00:11:17,694 --> 00:11:19,428
Hey,
278
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,296
Now that I don't have
to worry about testing,
279
00:11:21,297 --> 00:11:23,432
I'm really into the idea
of trying out the new drugs.
280
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,567
How does one "roll"?
281
00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:27,302
Wait. We have drug testing?
282
00:11:27,303 --> 00:11:28,236
Technically.
283
00:11:28,237 --> 00:11:29,438
I can't remember the last one.
284
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,507
Okay, so the Alumni Board
has all your records,
285
00:11:32,508 --> 00:11:33,575
they meet to discuss on Monday.
286
00:11:33,576 --> 00:11:35,844
Hey, can they really
track my browser history?
287
00:11:35,845 --> 00:11:36,912
Like you were...
288
00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:38,780
'cause that seems...
289
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,583
That seems un... un... like...
290
00:11:41,584 --> 00:11:44,519
Amer... like unethical or
something. It's un-something.
291
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,189
This is Hamilton, Jack, so,
yeah, they're gonna dig, but...
292
00:11:47,190 --> 00:11:49,591
seriously, you do use Incognito Mode?
293
00:11:49,592 --> 00:11:52,794
What's "Incognito Mode"?
294
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,663
Oh, boy.
295
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,605
Hmm... what would I wear
296
00:12:03,606 --> 00:12:05,607
on a first date with a female
297
00:12:05,608 --> 00:12:07,209
grad-student-slash-escort
298
00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:09,478
I'm sharing with my husband?
299
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,812
Keep trying to be funny.
300
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,451
It's irritating, but it distracts me.
301
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,313
I'm so nervous, I
couldn't go this morning.
302
00:12:15,315 --> 00:12:17,486
I feel like I'm pregnant.
303
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,687
I have a poo baby.
304
00:12:18,688 --> 00:12:20,555
Do you and Jack talk a lot
about your digestive issues?
305
00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:21,890
Because you should know
the rest of us don't.
306
00:12:21,891 --> 00:12:24,159
See, for example, I don't need to know
307
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,496
whether you pooped or
not on any given day.
308
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:28,964
What about this one?
309
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,432
Hot. Yeah.
310
00:12:30,433 --> 00:12:32,300
If I were an underage groupie
311
00:12:32,301 --> 00:12:33,769
with deep-seated self-esteem issues,
312
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:35,370
I'd buy out the whole shop.
313
00:12:35,371 --> 00:12:37,239
Yeah, let's go throw
back some Jaeger shots
314
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,974
and go to a "Modest Mouse" show, dude.
315
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:42,177
Dear God, even your
young-chick references are old.
316
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,579
Hey...
317
00:12:44,714 --> 00:12:46,782
How about that?
318
00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:49,918
Help me. Help me, help me.
319
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:51,520
Oh, chill.
320
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,522
I'm sure lezzing is
just like riding a bike.
321
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,723
It'll come back to you.
322
00:12:54,724 --> 00:12:56,725
I haven't ridden a bike in so long.
323
00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:59,795
Listen, you wear that, I
will totally lezinate you.
324
00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:01,396
Okay, you can stop trying to create
325
00:13:01,397 --> 00:13:03,566
different permutations
of the word "lez" now.
326
00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:04,967
- What a second, are we vibrating?
- Oh.
327
00:13:05,401 --> 00:13:07,002
Is that how lezitation works?
328
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:10,338
It's my phone, jackass.
329
00:13:10,339 --> 00:13:12,607
- Aw... Izzy.
- Dear God.
330
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:15,277
Are you 13? Just got your period?
331
00:13:15,278 --> 00:13:17,079
You're jealous, asshole.
332
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,826
Retro fitness. I respect that.
333
00:13:31,694 --> 00:13:33,295
Fem Fit says this chick
nailed it way back when.
334
00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:36,498
Everything you need in 15 minutes.
335
00:13:36,499 --> 00:13:37,833
Do you know where my vape is?
336
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:38,767
I'm getting super stressed
337
00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:39,968
by my date with Emma.
338
00:13:39,969 --> 00:13:42,904
So they're getting some
freaky version of sex therapy,
339
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,372
but what're you getting out of it?
340
00:13:44,373 --> 00:13:46,641
- 16 sessions paid upfront?
- Great.
341
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:48,577
It's on the table, Dingdong.
342
00:13:49,445 --> 00:13:51,351
Fem Fit also says habitual pot use
343
00:13:51,356 --> 00:13:53,849
- causes degenerative heart failure diseases...
- Jesus, Fem Fit,
344
00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:55,384
your guide to a joyless fucking life.
345
00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:57,719
Should I wear these?
346
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,187
- No.
- Why not?
347
00:13:59,188 --> 00:14:00,990
Just don't.
348
00:14:07,997 --> 00:14:09,598
My God, I'm so nervous.
349
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:12,801
I haven't been on a first date since...
350
00:14:12,802 --> 00:14:14,336
not since you.
351
00:14:19,475 --> 00:14:20,942
I'm not sure if you're ready for this,
352
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,246
to be honest.
353
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:25,577
I think pr... I should probably go first.
354
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,749
Yeah?
355
00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:29,217
Yeah, I think that's probably best.
356
00:14:29,218 --> 00:14:30,819
Really?
357
00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:33,088
No. Not really.
358
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:34,422
Why do you make me go there?
359
00:14:34,423 --> 00:14:35,357
I hate the Matherfields!
360
00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:36,558
They play all those stupid games and...
361
00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:38,560
Well, one of us has to be there on time.
362
00:14:38,561 --> 00:14:42,297
Carmen said that Lori is
making a special announcement.
363
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,365
I'll be, like, an hour late.
364
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:44,299
Wow, this is...
365
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,634
I think that might be
366
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:46,835
actually too hot.
367
00:14:46,836 --> 00:14:48,970
I think you might burn corneas.
368
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:51,173
Ooh, that is... that is good.
369
00:14:56,712 --> 00:14:58,514
Okay.
370
00:15:00,583 --> 00:15:02,317
What... why are we stopping?
371
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,520
Because I want you to ravage me later.
372
00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:07,990
I mean, that's the plan, isn't it?
373
00:15:08,858 --> 00:15:10,058
I guess so.
374
00:15:18,868 --> 00:15:20,269
- Hey.
- Hi.
375
00:15:22,605 --> 00:15:23,672
You look really nice.
376
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,674
Thank you. So do you.
377
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,677
Thank. I... Thanks.
378
00:15:32,748 --> 00:15:33,815
I think that...
379
00:15:33,816 --> 00:15:36,885
I think we should be
able to get in soon, yeah.
380
00:15:36,886 --> 00:15:38,353
I'm scared shitless.
381
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,554
Are you scared shitless?
382
00:15:39,555 --> 00:15:40,755
Yeah.
383
00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:42,757
I could order, but there's
no way in hell I could eat.
384
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:43,825
Me too. Good.
385
00:15:43,826 --> 00:15:45,026
I could drink.
386
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,096
Me too. Always.
387
00:15:48,497 --> 00:15:50,566
I have an idea.
388
00:16:06,115 --> 00:16:07,182
It's a fucking game,
389
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,383
so who the fuck gives a
shit about these games?
390
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,851
I love these games. What
are you talking about?
391
00:16:09,852 --> 00:16:11,987
What is with you tonight?
You seem very stressed.
392
00:16:11,988 --> 00:16:13,455
It's Emma.
393
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:14,522
She's doing dinner with a colleague,
394
00:16:14,523 --> 00:16:16,791
and she's supposed to be
done by now, that's all.
395
00:16:16,792 --> 00:16:18,393
That's what's stressing you out so much?
396
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:19,594
You check your phone,
like, every two seconds.
397
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:20,662
Yeah, that's it.
398
00:16:20,663 --> 00:16:23,064
Okay. You want to play?
399
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,200
- Can we play the game now?
- I'd love to play, okay.
400
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,101
- Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay. Ready?
401
00:16:27,202 --> 00:16:29,604
♪ Happy Birthday... ♪
402
00:16:29,605 --> 00:16:31,140
♪ Mr. President ♪
403
00:16:32,541 --> 00:16:33,676
Too easy.
404
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:36,144
I don't... I don't know.
405
00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:37,813
♪ Happy Birthday... ♪
406
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,750
Oh, you're like a sexy baby?
407
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:44,152
♪ ... Mr. President... ♪
408
00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:45,487
I don't know. Barack Obama.
409
00:16:45,488 --> 00:16:46,688
Are you joking?
410
00:16:46,689 --> 00:16:48,090
No, I have no idea.
411
00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:51,493
♪ Mr. President... ♪
412
00:16:51,494 --> 00:16:53,628
Happy Birthday, Mr.
President? What is that?
413
00:16:53,629 --> 00:16:55,497
The dress is coming up. Whoo!
414
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:56,965
You're riding a pony?
415
00:16:56,966 --> 00:16:58,700
Hah! Oh!
416
00:16:58,701 --> 00:17:00,035
A diaper. You're wearing a diaper?
417
00:17:00,036 --> 00:17:01,704
- No.
- I feel like I'm getting close.
418
00:17:03,306 --> 00:17:04,706
- Hot Damn.
- Yeah?
419
00:17:04,707 --> 00:17:05,640
Literally, that's what it's called.
420
00:17:05,641 --> 00:17:07,576
Oh, my God.
421
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,714
That just totally exfoliated my mouth.
422
00:17:12,715 --> 00:17:14,383
I loved it.
423
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,120
I should have got two.
424
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,656
Are you insinuating I drink too much?
425
00:17:21,657 --> 00:17:22,991
No, I...
426
00:17:22,992 --> 00:17:24,059
'Cause I totally do.
427
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:25,527
I'm not exactly working on it,
428
00:17:25,528 --> 00:17:27,128
but I'm thinking about working on it
429
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,132
in the near future, I
think, maybe, I don't know.
430
00:17:50,619 --> 00:17:52,487
Hot fucking Damn.
431
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,889
I know a place.
432
00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:56,224
A hotel?
433
00:17:56,225 --> 00:17:58,027
Better.
434
00:18:01,030 --> 00:18:01,963
Isn't it delicious?
435
00:18:01,964 --> 00:18:03,164
Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple.
436
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,899
- Are you joking with me right now?
- No.
437
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,431
You're the only person in the
world who doesn't know this.
438
00:18:06,442 --> 00:18:07,940
Well, can you give me
something else to work with?
439
00:18:07,941 --> 00:18:08,503
Give him another clue.
440
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:09,571
I'm not giving him another clue.
441
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:11,840
- What are you, refusing clues?
- Say it.
442
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,041
I don't know what it is.
443
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:16,244
You're an idiot.
444
00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:17,979
First, thank you all for coming,
445
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:19,581
but more importantly,
446
00:18:19,582 --> 00:18:21,049
I'm proud to announce
447
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:23,852
that my beautiful and
brilliant wife, Lori...
448
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:26,921
has just accepted a seat
449
00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:31,593
on the prestigious Hamilton
School Alumni Board!
450
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:33,862
Thank you. Thank you all.
451
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,196
You're so kind.
452
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,798
Rest assured,
453
00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:39,734
I take my new position very seriously.
454
00:18:39,735 --> 00:18:42,270
- Oh my God.
- Okay, enough about me.
455
00:18:42,271 --> 00:18:44,806
I want you to enjoy the rest of the party.
456
00:18:44,807 --> 00:18:46,808
And, oh, we have devised
457
00:18:46,809 --> 00:18:49,077
an entirely new game
458
00:18:49,078 --> 00:18:51,479
that I think you all
459
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,348
are going to be quite entertained by.
460
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,816
More games?
461
00:18:54,817 --> 00:18:56,017
Okay, party!
462
00:18:56,018 --> 00:18:57,485
Party time! Come on!
463
00:18:57,486 --> 00:18:59,421
Thank you!
464
00:19:02,825 --> 00:19:04,159
- So...
- There she is.
465
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,226
How much ass-kissing
466
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,161
can you squeeze into three days,
467
00:19:06,162 --> 00:19:09,097
Assistant Dean Trakarsky?
468
00:19:09,098 --> 00:19:10,832
Congratulations, by the way.
469
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:12,567
Thank you!
470
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,302
More Chardonnay, madame?
471
00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:15,971
Oh, definitely.
472
00:19:19,108 --> 00:19:21,109
What?
473
00:19:21,110 --> 00:19:24,579
This is fucking amazing.
474
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,314
Told you.
475
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:27,782
You did good.
476
00:19:27,783 --> 00:19:29,117
- You like it?
- Yeah.
477
00:19:29,118 --> 00:19:31,053
Good.
478
00:19:32,988 --> 00:19:34,390
Nice, huh?
479
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,792
I was awake for hours last night
480
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:38,993
thinking about
481
00:19:38,994 --> 00:19:40,995
a married couple in Hawthorne Heights
482
00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:44,400
sleeping in bed together without me.
483
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,925
- Oh, fuck. Did I scare you?
- No, no, no, no, no...
484
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,075
Hold on. Just stay there.
485
00:19:54,076 --> 00:19:56,011
- Okay.
- Stay there.
486
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,196
So I did a lot of homework.
487
00:19:59,497 --> 00:20:03,100
Yep, watched a lot of highly
highly disturbing videos,
488
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,820
featuring on a vast array of vegetables.
489
00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:08,089
It was... it was very upsetting.
490
00:20:08,090 --> 00:20:09,424
I think I saw a gourd,
491
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:10,892
or it could have been an eggplant,
492
00:20:10,893 --> 00:20:12,627
like a large one,
493
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,962
I don't know.
494
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,898
Anyways, I... I... I didn't learn much.
495
00:20:16,899 --> 00:20:19,635
Please tell me there are
no vegetables in there.
496
00:20:25,574 --> 00:20:27,308
Oh, my God, your laugh
makes me so nervous.
497
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,111
I could be sick.
498
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,848
But in a good way.
499
00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:36,318
You're so fucking beautiful.
500
00:20:47,196 --> 00:20:48,930
Lyric? Really?
501
00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:50,665
That's what you came up with?
502
00:20:53,736 --> 00:20:54,669
I've carried mounds of shame
503
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:57,739
for 16 years now.
504
00:20:57,740 --> 00:20:58,806
"Mounds of Shame"
505
00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:00,942
is absolutely the name of my next band.
506
00:21:00,943 --> 00:21:03,077
You've been in bands?
507
00:21:03,078 --> 00:21:06,081
Did that turn you on?
508
00:21:07,883 --> 00:21:09,151
You okay?
509
00:21:31,774 --> 00:21:33,575
I love your eyes.
510
00:21:35,110 --> 00:21:36,978
They're, like, doe eyes,
511
00:21:36,979 --> 00:21:39,113
you probably heard that a million times.
512
00:21:39,114 --> 00:21:40,448
No, I've never heard that before.
513
00:21:40,449 --> 00:21:43,117
Yeah, I bet every dude says that to you.
514
00:21:44,853 --> 00:21:46,454
Your lips are so soft.
515
00:21:46,455 --> 00:21:49,257
It feels so weird to...
You don't have a beard.
516
00:21:49,258 --> 00:21:51,392
Yeah, not yet at least.
517
00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:56,197
The beauty mark on your right cheek
518
00:21:56,198 --> 00:22:00,536
is the first thing that made
me just go crazy for you.
519
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:05,673
I used to try and scratch it off.
520
00:22:05,674 --> 00:22:06,610
That's dumb.
521
00:22:08,811 --> 00:22:10,611
Don't try to scratch it off.
522
00:22:11,512 --> 00:22:14,115
Okay. I won't.
523
00:22:14,216 --> 00:22:18,687
Shh. I think we just broke
the no penetration rule.
524
00:23:04,933 --> 00:23:07,135
Nobody this side of
Bedrock snores like that.
525
00:23:09,204 --> 00:23:11,673
Let's get this stink bomb out of here.
526
00:23:14,009 --> 00:23:15,476
Yes.
527
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,345
Look at you.
528
00:23:17,346 --> 00:23:18,613
Let the ravaging begin.
529
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,272
Babe...
530
00:23:20,773 --> 00:23:21,273
I swear if I come one more time
531
00:23:22,284 --> 00:23:24,486
I think I'll dry up and blow away.
532
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,088
I'm so tired.
533
00:23:27,089 --> 00:23:28,823
You serious?
534
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,291
Mm-hmm.
535
00:23:30,292 --> 00:23:33,494
What the hell?
536
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:34,829
How many orgasms are we talking about?
537
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:36,431
I thought we had a no orgasm rule.
538
00:23:36,432 --> 00:23:37,699
I just thought we were, like...
539
00:23:39,234 --> 00:23:40,301
we were...
540
00:23:40,302 --> 00:23:41,903
this whole thing was so
that we would bring it...
541
00:23:41,904 --> 00:23:43,504
We are doing this for us.
542
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,239
Well, doesn't look like I'm
getting anything out of it,
543
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,576
at this point.
544
00:23:55,384 --> 00:23:57,185
What were you doing for three hours?
545
00:23:58,187 --> 00:24:00,855
Um, I don't know, we walked and talked,
546
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,458
and we drank.
547
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,596
And we went to the roof.
548
00:24:08,464 --> 00:24:09,865
Which roof?
549
00:24:11,266 --> 00:24:13,068
Are you talking about our roof?
550
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:15,536
You took her to our roof?
551
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:16,737
Oh, my God.
552
00:24:16,738 --> 00:24:18,206
I'm sorry.
553
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:19,407
Oh, my God.
554
00:24:19,408 --> 00:24:21,142
- Fuck.
- Are you okay?
555
00:24:21,143 --> 00:24:23,144
No.
556
00:24:23,145 --> 00:24:24,479
Am I okay?
557
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,014
How could you...
558
00:24:27,015 --> 00:24:29,150
There's a fucking million places
you could have taken her...
559
00:24:29,151 --> 00:24:30,819
you took her there?
560
00:24:34,089 --> 00:24:36,224
It sounds so romantic.
561
00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,291
Babe, it's just new.
562
00:24:37,292 --> 00:24:39,427
It's a little confusing.
563
00:24:39,428 --> 00:24:42,431
I'll say. I am confused.
564
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:46,835
Very confused about what, like...
565
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,238
What about with Izzy,
like, in particularly?
566
00:24:50,239 --> 00:24:52,106
Is that something else?
567
00:24:52,107 --> 00:24:53,174
Izzy?
568
00:24:53,175 --> 00:24:54,108
Yes.
569
00:24:54,109 --> 00:24:56,578
Um...
570
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,048
That...
571
00:25:01,049 --> 00:25:05,453
That is...
572
00:25:05,454 --> 00:25:07,389
That is a lot confusing.
573
00:25:09,992 --> 00:25:12,394
We promised we'd be honest, right?
574
00:25:12,395 --> 00:25:13,990
- Yeah.
- Then we have to be honest.
575
00:25:13,996 --> 00:25:15,997
I know, I just... seeing you like this
576
00:25:15,998 --> 00:25:17,666
is freaking me out a bit.
577
00:25:18,534 --> 00:25:20,869
I'm being honest. That's my honesty.
578
00:25:25,474 --> 00:25:27,074
Let's bring on the honesty.
579
00:25:27,075 --> 00:25:29,678
It's really... it's really working for me.
580
00:25:32,014 --> 00:25:33,614
Maybe a little jealousy's
good for both of us.
581
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,218
Maybe.
582
00:25:41,223 --> 00:25:43,357
Hey...
583
00:25:43,358 --> 00:25:44,959
you going to go to bed like that?
584
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,027
Yes.
585
00:25:46,028 --> 00:25:47,895
- You are?
- Yes.
586
00:25:47,896 --> 00:25:48,963
For real?
587
00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:50,298
I'm going to bed angry,
588
00:25:50,299 --> 00:25:52,300
'cause this is...
589
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:53,634
I'm going to have a
million orgasms on my date,
590
00:25:53,635 --> 00:25:54,569
I can't wait.
591
00:25:54,570 --> 00:25:55,636
- You are?
- Yeah.
592
00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:56,971
What are you going to do on your date?
593
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:58,706
- Come on every rooftop...
- Every rooftop?
594
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:01,375
Stop it. I'm trying to be angry.
595
00:26:01,376 --> 00:26:03,845
- It's going to be raining...
- I'm trying to be angry.
596
00:27:08,644 --> 00:27:10,712
Iz, can I...
597
00:27:16,785 --> 00:27:18,653
What are you doing?
598
00:27:18,654 --> 00:27:20,655
Sleeping.
599
00:27:20,656 --> 00:27:22,123
No, you're not.
600
00:27:22,124 --> 00:27:24,326
Yeah, I was.
601
00:27:33,468 --> 00:27:35,270
Well, fuck.
40953
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