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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:18,538 - Son, this is the story of the time 2 00:00:18,562 --> 00:00:22,166 I tried to help someone else fix all their dating problems 3 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,085 through the magic of photography. 4 00:00:24,109 --> 00:00:25,734 I feel like we've derailed. 5 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:29,489 - I gave you life. You give me one night. 6 00:00:30,699 --> 00:00:33,134 Now, back in 2022, 7 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:36,680 having the perfect profile photo was a very big deal. 8 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,267 - Ugh. All my photos are terrible. 9 00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,226 Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder. 10 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:43,603 I'll just die alone or with Sid. 11 00:00:43,628 --> 00:00:47,006 - What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on dying at the exact same time at 98... 12 00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:49,694 mid-penetrayshe. 13 00:00:49,718 --> 00:00:52,612 And you were not invited to that party. - That's fine! 14 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:54,615 Alone it is. Anything's better 15 00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:57,076 - than joining these ridiculous apps. - Why? 16 00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,244 You'd do great on the apps. 17 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,186 You're a cool, handsome musician. 18 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,790 - Well, thank you, but no. 19 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:07,420 Actually, what I am is a part-time music teacher who drives Uber 20 00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:10,487 and is internet famous for his rejected marriage proposal. 21 00:01:11,323 --> 00:01:12,924 - Look, if I join Tinder, I'm just going to get a bunch 22 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:16,052 of mean messages from people that recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy. 23 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,724 I mean, l-l-let's just take a glimpse at my Instagram DMs, shall we? 24 00:01:19,748 --> 00:01:22,292 Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls." 25 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,605 Uh, "LOL, you suck." 26 00:01:25,629 --> 00:01:27,939 But "suck" is spelled with five k's. 27 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:30,400 Uh, "You have kind eyes." 28 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,064 Okay, well, that one doesn't count 'cause it's from our Aunt Karen. 29 00:01:34,304 --> 00:01:37,073 - You know, who cares about random internet trolls? 30 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,703 Jesse, I've been out with 87 app guys this year. 31 00:01:40,727 --> 00:01:41,727 - 88. 32 00:01:42,896 --> 00:01:44,748 Oh, it was 87 before you struck out with Ian, 33 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,168 so now, technically, it's 88. 34 00:01:47,192 --> 00:01:48,817 - Oh, got it. Thanks. 35 00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:51,588 88 guys, okay, 36 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,716 and I haven't given up on finding someone. 37 00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,218 I refuse to let you quit before you've even gotten started. 38 00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:58,012 - I don't know... - I say 39 00:01:58,036 --> 00:02:00,138 if you don't want to join Tinder, don't join. 40 00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:00,891 - Thank you! 41 00:02:00,915 --> 00:02:03,643 - You can always spend your Saturday nights with... 42 00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,602 Postmates and Pornhub. 43 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,686 - Ugh, stop. 44 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,896 - Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand, 45 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,161 your man shrimp in the other... 46 00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:13,568 - Soy sauce dripping on your downtown dumpling... 47 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:16,447 Okay! Fine! I'll join! 48 00:02:16,471 --> 00:02:19,366 - You know what? I'm going to help you crush on Tinder. 49 00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:21,993 If there's one thing I know from my 87... - 88. 50 00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:23,478 - We get it! You can count! 51 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,498 88 app guys, 52 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:29,502 it's how to create a profile that makes a girl swipe right. 53 00:02:29,526 --> 00:02:31,295 Let me do this for you, Jesse. 54 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,420 Repeat after me. 55 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:36,384 "Today is the first chapter of my next great love story." 56 00:02:36,408 --> 00:02:38,552 - Okay. I'm never going to say that, 57 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,721 but I will accept your weird offer. 58 00:02:40,745 --> 00:02:42,264 - Great! Okay, first, 59 00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:45,225 I have to take the greatest photo of you ever for your profile. 60 00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:46,352 - Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:47,978 - You're gonna be drowning in internet honeys. 62 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:50,605 You're going to be like, "I can't breathe! There's too many honeys!" 63 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:51,941 Okay. 64 00:02:51,965 --> 00:02:53,359 Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow, 65 00:02:53,383 --> 00:02:54,901 but maybe we could do it during my lunch break? 66 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:56,594 - Perfect. I'll meet you there. 67 00:02:57,304 --> 00:03:00,324 Jesse, life's gonna be alright. - Mm-hmm. 68 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,099 - Life's a nightmare. 69 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,829 - Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting? 70 00:03:04,853 --> 00:03:07,414 - No. Turns out, searching for apartments in this city 71 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:09,542 without access to your trust fund's impossible. 72 00:03:09,566 --> 00:03:12,044 I have no idea how you poors did it. 73 00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:14,881 - Charlie! We've talked about using "poor" as a noun. 74 00:03:14,905 --> 00:03:16,591 Charlie's right. 75 00:03:16,615 --> 00:03:18,259 I'm looking for a place, too. 76 00:03:18,283 --> 00:03:21,429 I just got my harvest check from the farm I share with my ex. 77 00:03:21,453 --> 00:03:24,330 Our love may have wilted, but our butter lettuce is poppin'. 78 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,933 - Wait, you still get farm money? 79 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,311 Why aren't you paying us rent? 80 00:03:28,335 --> 00:03:30,521 - Because I'm on my way out. 81 00:03:30,545 --> 00:03:31,521 I gotta be. 82 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,856 Mikey! 83 00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:35,234 You tell your mom your bedtime is bullshit, okay? 84 00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:38,111 - Stop crying, Mikey! 85 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:40,031 - Why don't you and Charlie shack up? 86 00:03:40,055 --> 00:03:42,199 Because you can afford a way better place with a roommate. 87 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,492 - Oh my god, let's do it! Alright. 88 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:47,496 Should we get a grand piano or a normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding? 89 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:49,372 If you're going to get a piano, you might as well go big. 90 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,941 - Alright, grand it is. - Sorry. 91 00:03:51,650 --> 00:03:54,151 - I'm not really a... roommate person. 92 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,256 - All good, you know. 93 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,658 Because I very much see myself as a lone wolf anyway. 94 00:04:00,324 --> 00:04:02,887 Solitary and... and serious. 95 00:04:02,911 --> 00:04:04,347 Often nude... 96 00:04:04,371 --> 00:04:06,765 - I'm sure you can find someone else to be your roommate... 97 00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:08,290 - I did say, "all good." 98 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:13,796 - Let's do this! 99 00:04:14,381 --> 00:04:16,399 Okay, repeat after me. "Today is the first chapter"... 100 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,884 - Never gonna say it. 101 00:04:18,927 --> 00:04:20,971 - Well, relax your body. 102 00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:23,098 Shake it out a little. 103 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,766 Angle towards me. - Alright, ready? How's this? 104 00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:32,582 - Um, why are you looking up? 105 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,125 - It's my go-to look. 106 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,545 I have a really prominent Adam's apple, 107 00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:37,213 which I have heard on good authority women 108 00:04:37,237 --> 00:04:38,880 find irresistible. 109 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,115 - What women? 110 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:43,158 - Not my mom, if that's what you're thinking. 111 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,096 - Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend. 112 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,497 Let's-let's do something, like, a little more natural. 113 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,709 We could, um... 114 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,812 And you're unpacking hummus. 115 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,939 - Yeah. Let's get some of me snacking, right? 116 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,233 And make sure you get the backpack, 117 00:04:57,257 --> 00:04:59,151 so it's clear that I packed this hummus myself 118 00:04:59,175 --> 00:05:01,821 because backpack hummus says that I'm prepared, 119 00:05:01,845 --> 00:05:04,139 frugal, and health conscious. 120 00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:06,089 - Your mom tell you that, too? 121 00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:09,060 - Fine. No hummus. 122 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,413 But just make sure to get my teeth, okay? 123 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,731 I didn't do two rounds of Invisalign for nothing. 124 00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:23,509 - What's that? - Package from Hannah. 125 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:24,968 Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight. 126 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:28,389 We do weekly FaceTime cooking dates to stay connected. 127 00:05:28,413 --> 00:05:29,807 I think tonight we're making baked cod. 128 00:05:29,831 --> 00:05:32,810 - That's your secret to a happy long-distance relationship? 129 00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:34,793 Watching each other eat fish? 130 00:05:36,254 --> 00:05:37,773 - "Thought we could spice things up tonight." 131 00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:39,858 Hm, spice things up? What is this? 132 00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:41,444 A last-minute switch to Thai? 133 00:05:41,468 --> 00:05:43,637 She is so bad. 134 00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:48,766 The Vyper Ace Interactive Male... Stroker? 135 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:50,810 What is this? 136 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:54,247 - She sent you a sex toy. And not just any sex toy. 137 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:57,209 That is the Birkin bag of sex toys. It has... 138 00:05:57,233 --> 00:05:58,711 three motors. 139 00:05:58,735 --> 00:06:00,629 - So fire. - What? 140 00:06:00,653 --> 00:06:02,255 - Hey, I gotta record my podcast. 141 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,281 - I'll be back in, like, three hours. - Okay... 142 00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:08,221 - This thing? Game changer. 143 00:06:08,245 --> 00:06:09,596 So, there's a separate toy for her, 144 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,182 and you can control each other's devices with an app. 145 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:15,144 - I don't know. I'm not really a sex toy guy. 146 00:06:15,168 --> 00:06:17,021 I'm not even a toy guy. 147 00:06:17,045 --> 00:06:20,315 I had a bad experience with a Lego astronaut as a kid. 148 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:23,110 He got lost... inside me. 149 00:06:23,134 --> 00:06:25,403 - Look... I don't care 150 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,906 if you stuffed a Lego astronaut up your butt when you were little. 151 00:06:27,930 --> 00:06:30,576 - What? I didn't do that. - I swallowed it. 152 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:31,643 - With your butt? 153 00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,290 - I'm just gonna text Hannah and tell her I can't do this. 154 00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:37,707 - Uh-uh-uh! Sid, 155 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:41,045 Hannah is trying to keep things fresh and fun and hot 156 00:06:41,069 --> 00:06:42,463 from 3,000 miles away! 157 00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:45,490 She is putting herself out there, so you need to put yourself in there. 158 00:06:48,326 --> 00:06:49,928 - Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay. 159 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,973 Okay. Okay! 160 00:06:51,997 --> 00:06:54,100 So, what? Li'l Sid just... 161 00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,725 goes into the black tube? 162 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,312 - Your nickname for your penis has the word "li'l" in it? 163 00:06:58,336 --> 00:07:01,380 - Yeah. It's ironic 'cause he's comically large. 164 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:07,803 - Ellen? 165 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,867 - Oh... Hey. 166 00:07:10,891 --> 00:07:12,930 - I guess we have the same taste in apartments, huh? 167 00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,812 - Hey. Maybe we should be roommates, after all. 168 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,815 Just kidding. I know that roommates aren't your thing. 169 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,235 - Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate. 170 00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:26,882 - See, I thought that I... I get it. 171 00:07:26,906 --> 00:07:29,843 Well, Ralph must be, like, your best childhood pal or something. 172 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,387 - I met him on Craigslist an hour ago. 173 00:07:31,411 --> 00:07:33,973 - Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful. 174 00:07:33,997 --> 00:07:35,999 And also dangerous. That man could be a... 175 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,644 pervert. 176 00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:40,670 - Hey, I'm a good guy. 177 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:42,923 I'm going to go test out the bathtub. 178 00:07:45,175 --> 00:07:47,319 - Look, Charlie, the truth is 179 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:49,237 I just don't think we'd be a good fit to live together. 180 00:07:49,262 --> 00:07:50,740 I'm brand new to New York. 181 00:07:50,764 --> 00:07:53,266 I need to live with someone who isn't so... 182 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:55,726 - clueless. - Clueless? 183 00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:58,831 I know my way around this city. 184 00:07:58,855 --> 00:08:01,274 I even learned to keep my mouth closed on the subway. 185 00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:03,651 - Open your mouth for a treat. 186 00:08:05,737 --> 00:08:06,923 - Ah! 187 00:08:06,947 --> 00:08:09,300 That was not a treat! 188 00:08:09,324 --> 00:08:12,826 Yes, I got very drunk trying to disinfect my tongue, but I learned! 189 00:08:16,665 --> 00:08:18,350 - I'm sorry, what is this now? 190 00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,519 - It's the Karate Kid. 191 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,504 Alright, break's over. You think we got it? 192 00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:24,297 - Do you think we got it? 193 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,399 - Jesse! - Yeah? 194 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,653 - I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle, and it's getting really good! 195 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:32,572 - Great! I know you've been working really hard, and it's a complicated song. 196 00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,514 Some might say poetic. 197 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,412 - Hey, kid. Do me a favor. 198 00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:40,831 Hold this light reflector up for me? 199 00:08:40,855 --> 00:08:43,334 Come on, I'll give you an Altoid. 200 00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:45,238 Here we go. Quick. I don't wanna miss this shot. 201 00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:48,588 - Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop photographing me and this child. 202 00:08:48,613 --> 00:08:50,633 - Okay, but this could actually work. 203 00:08:50,657 --> 00:08:53,385 Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money! 204 00:08:53,409 --> 00:08:54,869 Jesse! 205 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,681 - Drew. 206 00:08:56,705 --> 00:08:58,432 Hi. Sophie, 207 00:08:58,456 --> 00:09:00,183 this is Drew. 208 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,894 The vice principal. 209 00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:04,397 - What's going on here? - Oh... 210 00:09:04,421 --> 00:09:07,191 Jesse needs a date, real bad, 211 00:09:07,215 --> 00:09:09,717 and this little boy's the only hope we've got. 212 00:09:12,721 --> 00:09:14,221 - Where's my Altoid? 213 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,998 - Drew, listen... - Let me explain. 214 00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:23,940 We're taking these photos for Tinder. 215 00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,711 No, no, no, no, no. 216 00:09:26,735 --> 00:09:28,754 For Jesse's Tinder! 217 00:09:28,778 --> 00:09:31,673 To get him dates! We are not trying to get children dates. 218 00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:33,325 I am very much against children dating. 219 00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:36,803 - So, this was all just to get Jesse a new Tinder profile pic? 220 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,639 - Yes. - Good luck with that. 221 00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:43,101 Jesse's signature looking-up face ruined the faculty photo this year. 222 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:46,105 It-it was like he was seeing an airplane for the very first time. 223 00:09:46,129 --> 00:09:47,648 I know, right? 224 00:09:47,672 --> 00:09:49,900 "My god, a flying machine. 225 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,967 Whatever will they think of next?" 226 00:09:54,471 --> 00:09:56,972 - Hey, have we met before? You-you look familiar. 227 00:09:57,849 --> 00:10:00,620 - I don't think so. I have one of those faces. 228 00:10:00,644 --> 00:10:03,496 - Oh, I-I don't think you have one of those faces. I... 229 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,190 I think you have a singularly great face. 230 00:10:07,942 --> 00:10:09,836 Uh, I should go. 231 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,613 Sophie, it's very nice to meet you. 232 00:10:13,072 --> 00:10:15,842 I do need to ask you to leave the premises immediately. 233 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,369 But it was very nice meeting you. 234 00:10:17,869 --> 00:10:21,038 You, too. I understand. 235 00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,894 - Wow. He was super into you, 236 00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:28,730 even though you were giving off strong Amber Alert vibes. 237 00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:30,548 - Really? You think so? 238 00:10:31,341 --> 00:10:34,486 - Doesn't matter. Today is "help Jesse find love" day. 239 00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:36,489 - Yeah, Jesse's done, okay? 240 00:10:36,513 --> 00:10:39,640 - Stop. Okay, okay, maybe the apps aren't your vibe. 241 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:42,745 Legend has it, occasionally, 242 00:10:42,769 --> 00:10:44,395 people still meet in real life. 243 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:47,082 Come on. Let's go to a bar. I'll be your wingman. 244 00:10:47,106 --> 00:10:48,000 - I can't. 245 00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:50,168 - Stop making excuses, and let me help you. 246 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:51,169 - I'm not making excuses. 247 00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:54,090 It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday. I'm at work. 248 00:10:54,114 --> 00:10:55,615 - Right. 249 00:10:56,783 --> 00:10:58,033 Okay. We'll go later. 250 00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:03,123 Normal work hours are so random. 251 00:11:05,583 --> 00:11:08,144 Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds, 252 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,880 so your best angle naked is from high up. 253 00:11:11,881 --> 00:11:14,384 But, not too high! You don't want Li'l Sid to get too li'l. 254 00:11:15,302 --> 00:11:16,903 - Okay. Wow. 255 00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,282 I mean, you could give a TED Talk on cross-country coitus. 256 00:11:19,306 --> 00:11:20,991 - Aw, you're sweet. 257 00:11:21,015 --> 00:11:22,951 I've been in a ton of LDRs. 258 00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:25,256 I was in a pretty serious one with the ambassador to Peru. 259 00:11:25,604 --> 00:11:28,315 And then, I had a very hot thing with a Polish pilot. 260 00:11:29,065 --> 00:11:30,960 It is true what they say about the Polish. 261 00:11:30,984 --> 00:11:34,486 - No idea what they say, but wow. You have lived a life. 262 00:11:35,154 --> 00:11:36,631 - Alright! 263 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:39,491 I think my work here is done. 264 00:11:43,163 --> 00:11:44,307 - Ah! - Get it! 265 00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:45,682 - I'm trying! - Well, try harder! 266 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:48,168 - Well, I didn't think it'd play hard to get! 267 00:11:50,879 --> 00:11:51,922 - Good day. 268 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:56,027 - I know that you have many interested parties, such as her, 269 00:11:56,051 --> 00:11:58,196 but I want this apartment so much, 270 00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:00,697 I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront 271 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,932 and five percent over the asking. 272 00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,769 - Let me think about that... Okay, yes, deal. 273 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,417 - I thought you said you didn't have any money. 274 00:12:11,441 --> 00:12:14,629 - Well, I realized that I can pawn my gold spoon. 275 00:12:14,653 --> 00:12:16,672 - This is exactly what I was talking about. 276 00:12:16,696 --> 00:12:18,966 I don't want to live with some clueless rich guy 277 00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:22,911 who was born with a literal gold spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph! 278 00:12:23,787 --> 00:12:24,955 - Not cool. 279 00:12:26,081 --> 00:12:27,600 - I wasn't born with it in my mouth. 280 00:12:27,624 --> 00:12:30,918 It was gently placed in my hand while I napped in my diamond crib. 281 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,966 You can't put a gold spoon in a baby's mouth. 282 00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,759 Choking hazard. 283 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:47,476 - It's Drew. He's asking for your phone number. 284 00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:50,312 - Really? - Yeah, should I give it to him? 285 00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:54,710 - Nah, no. He's not really my type. - Really? 286 00:12:54,734 --> 00:12:56,671 You guys were all giggling and smiling 287 00:12:56,695 --> 00:12:58,613 and talking about how singular your face is. 288 00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:02,241 - I said I'm good. Now, stop trying to change the subject, okay? 289 00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,244 Go talk to her. 290 00:13:05,995 --> 00:13:07,038 - And say what? 291 00:13:07,538 --> 00:13:09,957 - How about, uh... "Hey!" 292 00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:13,003 I think you're gonna like me." - So, lie to her? 293 00:13:14,379 --> 00:13:15,589 Fine. 294 00:13:19,884 --> 00:13:21,802 - Hey! - Hey. 295 00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:25,323 - I think you're gonna like me. 296 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:26,600 - Oh, am I? 297 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,495 - Honestly, it could go either way. 298 00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,163 I mean, some people think that I'm charming, 299 00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:33,665 but other people kind of find me, like, to be a lot. 300 00:13:33,690 --> 00:13:35,042 Uh... 301 00:13:35,066 --> 00:13:36,751 I could buy you a drink if you're interested 302 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,861 in figuring out which category you fit into. 303 00:13:40,322 --> 00:13:41,841 - Sure. I'll have a margarita. 304 00:13:41,865 --> 00:13:42,990 - Okay. 305 00:13:47,037 --> 00:13:49,538 - She will have a margarita. 306 00:13:57,213 --> 00:13:59,942 - Hey, babe. - Hey. Whoa, 307 00:13:59,966 --> 00:14:02,653 you look amazing! Great angle. 308 00:14:02,677 --> 00:14:05,907 - Really? 'Cause I didn't even think about my setup. 309 00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:08,826 - Okay, I'm turning mine... 310 00:14:08,850 --> 00:14:10,244 on. 311 00:14:10,268 --> 00:14:12,587 - Okay, well, watch out 'cause soon I'll be turning you on. 312 00:14:15,023 --> 00:14:17,149 Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine. 313 00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,653 God, the WiFi in here is so bad. 314 00:14:23,365 --> 00:14:24,407 Come with me. 315 00:14:27,786 --> 00:14:29,287 Anyone home? 316 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:32,665 Alright. 317 00:14:33,375 --> 00:14:35,436 Yeah, the signal's way better in here 318 00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,629 Okay. 319 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:43,985 Let me just open the app that controls your toy... 320 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,322 Today on The Daily... 321 00:14:46,346 --> 00:14:48,115 - This thing has a speaker! - The survivor 322 00:14:48,139 --> 00:14:49,700 of a rare bacterial infection... 323 00:14:49,724 --> 00:14:52,161 - Is that... The Daily? - Talks to us about losing 324 00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:54,496 all his limbs... - Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off. 325 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,289 And most of his lower face. 326 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:57,856 I'm Michael Barbaro. 327 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,878 - Okay. 328 00:15:00,902 --> 00:15:02,171 - Okay. 329 00:15:02,195 --> 00:15:04,447 Where were we? 330 00:15:08,576 --> 00:15:10,412 Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this. 331 00:15:11,413 --> 00:15:14,140 Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck in a Chinese finger trap. 332 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,434 Big Sid can't stop thinking about flesh-eating bacteria. I mean, 333 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,355 this sucks even more than cooking FaceTime fish! 334 00:15:19,379 --> 00:15:21,578 Which I have to pretend to be psyched about once a week. 335 00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:24,067 - I know it sucks. 336 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,821 Long-distance relationships suck, 337 00:15:26,845 --> 00:15:29,264 but at least I'm trying! 338 00:15:33,559 --> 00:15:35,788 Here's what else you need to know today. 339 00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:38,832 - No! There's nothing else I need 340 00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:40,209 to know today! 341 00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,442 Michael! 342 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,629 Uh, another drink? 343 00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,447 - I'd love that! - Okay, great. 344 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,724 - Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls. 345 00:15:54,748 --> 00:15:58,519 "OMG. You will not believe was hitting on me right now!" 346 00:15:58,543 --> 00:16:00,897 All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy." 347 00:16:00,921 --> 00:16:03,524 "I literally cannot! I'm dying! 348 00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:06,735 I'm gonna try to get him to sing me his sad proposal song." 349 00:16:06,759 --> 00:16:07,861 L-O-L, exclamation, 350 00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:10,697 skull face, exclamation, L-O-L, exclamation, skull face, 351 00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:12,432 exclamation, L-O... - Excuse me. 352 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:16,578 - We're getting drinks from the bar, but I'll have a water and fries. Thank you! 353 00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:17,937 - I'm not your waitress. 354 00:16:20,690 --> 00:16:22,692 Okay, I get the confusion. 355 00:16:23,109 --> 00:16:25,671 But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay? 356 00:16:25,695 --> 00:16:28,048 And he is not some punchline for you to tell 357 00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:30,051 your dumb friends about at boozy brunch. 358 00:16:30,075 --> 00:16:32,802 He's an incredible guy, and I am killing myself 359 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,828 to make him believe that he will find love. 360 00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:38,267 Do you know how hard it is to believe that? 361 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:42,062 Do you know what it's like to go on 87 first dates? 362 00:16:42,086 --> 00:16:43,480 No, 88. 363 00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,857 88 first dates and have none of them lead 364 00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:48,384 to anything even close to a real relationship? 365 00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:51,239 Have you ever met a totally cute, 366 00:16:51,263 --> 00:16:52,948 nice vice principal who wants to take you out, 367 00:16:52,972 --> 00:16:54,658 and all you can think about is why? 368 00:16:54,682 --> 00:16:55,951 What's the point? 369 00:16:55,975 --> 00:16:58,287 If I say yes, he's inevitably just going to turn into 370 00:16:58,311 --> 00:16:59,812 failed date number 89! 371 00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:03,543 - Yes. Actually, I know exactly what you mean. 372 00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:05,626 Dating in this city is killing me and seriously... 373 00:17:05,651 --> 00:17:08,737 - No! No, no, you do not get to be relatable right now. 374 00:17:09,698 --> 00:17:12,259 - Okay, look. Yes, I was texting my friends 375 00:17:12,284 --> 00:17:14,554 about meeting Proposal Fail Guy, 376 00:17:14,577 --> 00:17:16,471 but I still wanted to sleep with him. 377 00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:18,932 Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing 378 00:17:18,957 --> 00:17:20,643 still on the table or... 379 00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:23,460 - No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it! 380 00:17:24,253 --> 00:17:25,505 - Waitress? 381 00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:32,386 - I think you're gonna like me. 382 00:17:40,478 --> 00:17:42,957 - Hey. Thanks for letting me borrow all this. 383 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,710 - How'd it go? - Very, very poorly. 384 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:48,503 - I can tell. If you'd used the Vyper Ace correctly, 385 00:17:48,528 --> 00:17:50,529 you wouldn't be walking right now. 386 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,924 Talk to me. 387 00:17:52,949 --> 00:17:54,175 - Um... 388 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,095 When Hannah took the residency in LA, 389 00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,847 we promised each other we wouldn't be like other long-distance couples. 390 00:17:58,872 --> 00:18:01,499 Like, we'd make time for our relationship, but... 391 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:05,104 between her surgery rotations and me trying to keep this bar afloat, 392 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,847 it's just harder than I thought it would be. 393 00:18:07,547 --> 00:18:08,589 To feel close to her. 394 00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:11,468 And I hate it. I just miss her. 395 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,821 I just want to cook dinner in the same room as Hannah. 396 00:18:14,846 --> 00:18:17,473 Or, like, read the newspaper with her on a Sunday. 397 00:18:18,391 --> 00:18:20,912 Have sex with her human vagina. 398 00:18:20,935 --> 00:18:22,938 - That is so romantic. 399 00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,941 I have an idea. - Yeah? 400 00:18:26,566 --> 00:18:28,067 - God, you are lucky you met me! 401 00:18:32,447 --> 00:18:35,300 - I'm sorry about tonight. - That's okay. 402 00:18:35,325 --> 00:18:38,536 Camilla didn't look like she was very good at sex anyway. 403 00:18:39,871 --> 00:18:41,873 - Yeah, she did. - Yeah, she did. 404 00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:47,796 All that stuff you said to her, that was, uh... 405 00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:49,756 kind of intense, huh? 406 00:18:50,673 --> 00:18:53,193 - You remember that night when we met at the bar, 407 00:18:53,218 --> 00:18:56,530 and you guessed that my parents had a really happy marriage? 408 00:18:56,555 --> 00:18:59,557 - I'm so sorry about that. Valentina told me I was way off. 409 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:01,601 - Yeah. 410 00:19:02,519 --> 00:19:03,519 You were. 411 00:19:04,354 --> 00:19:05,355 Hm. 412 00:19:08,107 --> 00:19:10,609 My childhood was kind of a mess. 413 00:19:11,486 --> 00:19:15,281 It was just my mom and I bouncing around from one boyfriend's house to the next. 414 00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:19,868 We were more like, you know, sisters than mother-daughter. 415 00:19:20,912 --> 00:19:23,266 And I was the big sister. - Oof. 416 00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:24,540 - Always... 417 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,460 picking up the pieces after every breakup. 418 00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,423 And I got really good at fixing her. 419 00:19:33,508 --> 00:19:36,886 So, fixer became my go-to mode. 420 00:19:38,555 --> 00:19:41,075 Especially when I can't figure out how to fix things for myself. 421 00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:46,479 - Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean... 422 00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,982 - You know, like, find my person. 423 00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:53,753 I want to so bad, 424 00:19:53,778 --> 00:19:57,073 and it just... keeps not happening. 425 00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:00,076 - Okay. Sophie... 426 00:20:00,743 --> 00:20:04,265 Repeat after me. "Today is the first chapter 427 00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:07,459 "of my next great love story." Come on. 428 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,856 - Today is the first chapter of my... 429 00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:15,884 next great love story. - Next... Love story. Hell yeah. 430 00:20:18,803 --> 00:20:20,780 - Alright, this is me. 431 00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:23,016 Good night, Sophie. - Good night, Jesse. 432 00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:33,419 - Open your mouth for a treat. 433 00:20:33,442 --> 00:20:34,944 - Not tonight, Frank. 434 00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:42,368 - Hi. 435 00:20:44,621 --> 00:20:46,122 - Hi. 436 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,959 - How how's your amazing new apartment? 437 00:20:50,376 --> 00:20:52,045 - Didn't exactly work out. 438 00:20:52,503 --> 00:20:54,964 Smile and say, "new apartment"! 439 00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:58,736 - Alright, that was fun. 440 00:20:58,759 --> 00:21:00,428 How about that year of rent you promised? 441 00:21:00,929 --> 00:21:02,180 - On it. 442 00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:05,826 Ah! 443 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:06,952 - Ugh. 444 00:21:06,977 --> 00:21:09,938 Well, if makes you feel any better, my day wasn't great, either. 445 00:21:10,438 --> 00:21:12,833 - Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit. 446 00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:16,378 My name's Ellen, and my social security number is... 447 00:21:16,403 --> 00:21:19,632 - He bought a camcorder, a bra, and three jars of honey 448 00:21:19,655 --> 00:21:21,365 before I could cancel the credit card. 449 00:21:21,825 --> 00:21:23,576 He was definitely a pervert. 450 00:21:24,702 --> 00:21:27,538 - Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry I tried to steal the apartment. 451 00:21:28,373 --> 00:21:31,269 - I'm sorry for lying to you about wanting a roommate. 452 00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:34,313 Maybe I don't need a grizzled New Yorker to show me the ropes. 453 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,731 Maybe I just need a good person 454 00:21:36,756 --> 00:21:38,483 who won't steal my identity, 455 00:21:38,508 --> 00:21:41,302 and we can figure out how to crush the city together. 456 00:21:42,429 --> 00:21:44,656 I mean, if you'd still have me? 457 00:21:44,681 --> 00:21:47,910 - Absolutely. Together, we will take this city by storm. 458 00:21:47,933 --> 00:21:50,371 We are not afraid of you, New York. 459 00:21:50,394 --> 00:21:52,314 - We're the bravest people in the city! 460 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,990 - Hey. - Hi! 461 00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,344 What are you doing here? 462 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,871 - This is me, uh, trying. 463 00:22:13,542 --> 00:22:16,730 That is so sweet. 464 00:22:16,755 --> 00:22:19,775 But, that last-minute flight must have cost you a fortune. 465 00:22:19,798 --> 00:22:23,112 - Not really. I mean, it's a long story, but I got hooked up. 466 00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:25,323 I have this friend who was in a long-distance relationship 467 00:22:25,346 --> 00:22:27,348 with a Polish pilot. Yeah. - Huh... 468 00:22:28,307 --> 00:22:30,952 - Like I said, back in 2022, 469 00:22:30,977 --> 00:22:34,373 having a great profile photo was essential, 470 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:37,417 but it wasn't everything. You also had to be willing 471 00:22:37,442 --> 00:22:39,045 to put yourself out there, 472 00:22:39,068 --> 00:22:41,338 time and time again, 473 00:22:41,363 --> 00:22:44,634 even when you just wanted to curl up under a blanket 474 00:22:44,657 --> 00:22:46,594 with a box of Froot Loops, 475 00:22:46,617 --> 00:22:48,471 a box of wine, 476 00:22:48,494 --> 00:22:51,307 and some unboxing videos. 477 00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:53,333 What the hell is an unboxing video? 478 00:22:55,251 --> 00:22:56,770 - For a brief time, when I was younger, 479 00:22:56,795 --> 00:22:58,814 everyone was very into watching 480 00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:01,048 other people open stuff on camera. 481 00:23:01,883 --> 00:23:04,094 - Sounds dark. - Mm, it was. 482 00:23:05,971 --> 00:23:07,513 But, anyway... 483 00:23:48,346 --> 00:23:49,323 - Hello? 484 00:23:49,346 --> 00:23:52,492 - Hi, Drew. It's Sophie, 485 00:23:52,517 --> 00:23:54,119 Jesse's photographer friend. 486 00:23:54,144 --> 00:23:55,895 - Oh. Hi. 487 00:23:56,980 --> 00:24:00,334 - Jesse said that you asked for my number, so... 488 00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:02,586 well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch. 489 00:24:02,611 --> 00:24:05,298 - Oh, amazing. You know, I was going crazy 490 00:24:05,321 --> 00:24:06,883 trying to figure out where I know you from, 491 00:24:06,906 --> 00:24:08,759 and then I realized that we met 492 00:24:08,782 --> 00:24:10,720 at Sid and Hannah's engagement party. 493 00:24:10,743 --> 00:24:12,244 - We did? 494 00:24:14,623 --> 00:24:16,182 Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have 495 00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:17,934 a cell phone charger handy, would you? 496 00:24:17,959 --> 00:24:21,086 - Oh, uh, yeah. Never leave home without it. 497 00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:22,856 - Thanks! 498 00:24:22,881 --> 00:24:25,049 - Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend. 499 00:24:27,051 --> 00:24:29,261 So, uh, what are you doing Friday night? 500 00:24:29,971 --> 00:24:31,556 - Having dinner with you. 37849

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