All language subtitles for hart1

- Hi, everyone,
I'm Brené Brown,

and welcome
to "Atlas of the Heart."

I am so excited
about this series.

I've spent 25 years trying
to answer questions

about what it means
to be human,

and there is nothing
more human than emotion,

but we know
very little about it,

and we have very little
language to draw on

to express what we're feeling,
to ask for help,

to ask for what we need,

to just talk about
what's happening in our bodies.

And in this series,
we're gonna use

my very favorite teaching tool,

television and film clips...

What is it?

- To really step back
and watch emotion unfold.

And that feeling
that we all get--

we're like, "Oh, I know that.

What's that called?"

[soft dramatic music]

We are emotional beings.

We make decisions
based on our emotions.

But somehow,
as we arrive into adulthood,

we realize that
we've never been taught

how to recognize,
name, label,

manage, work through,
talk about how we're feeling.

Here's the thing.

We've been through a lot,
and most of us feel

pretty disconnected
from ourselves

and from each other.

Maybe who you are now

and who I am now
just don't fit anymore.

- So in this series,
we're going to learn

how to identify
and name 30 emotions.

We're gonna talk
about a framework

for meaningful connection,

and when this is over,

I hope we have the tools
we need

to not only connect deeper

with ourselves

but with each other.

I think there's a way back,

and we're gonna find
that way back together.

So welcome
to "Atlas of the Heart."

I'm really glad you're here.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Hi.

[cheers and applause]

Hello, hi.

Whoo!
I like that.

Y'all sit down.

Y'all sit down
and get comfortable.

We've got a lot of work to do.

[laughter]

Y'all ready to just jump in?

all: Yes.

- Let's jump in.
All right.

We're here to answer
one big question.

How do we cultivate
meaningful connection

with ourselves and each other?

This is the question
for right now, right?

How many of us are feeling
a little untethered

from ourselves
and from other people?

Yeah.

Let me tell you a little bit
about myself and my work.

So this was when I became
an emotions researcher.

I am the oldest of four.

Code name: Sister Superior.

I have all the firstborn
characteristics,

for better and for worse.

But what's really important
about this picture

besides me and my twin sisters

and my little brother
is the couch.

Anybody recognize the gold
velvet couch from your youth?

So this is the couch
where I learned

about pattern making
and pattern finding.

So my mom used to sew clothes
all the time.

I would have a dress
that would match my mom's,

and my doll
would have a matching dress.

And I would lie
on this couch a lot

and think about the pattern
on that couch,

and I wondered
very early on in my life--

probably at this age,
which is eight--

about patterns and people.

And part of that was

a pretty mercurial house
growing up.

Things were great,
and then they swung

very quickly,
and things were not great,

and it very much served me
to understand

the pattern of emotion,

behavior, and thinking,

and I got so good,
I could read the future.

I mean, I couldn't read,
like, 20 years,

but I could tell you 20 minutes
what was gonna happen exactly.

How many of you have developed
those skills over the years?

Out of necessity, right?
You know.

I also at this age
started to figure out,

if you could understand
the connection

between how people--and I
want you think about this

for a minute--how people
think, feel, and behave

and how those three things
are connected,

you understand everything.

So this is where it started.

This is where I honed it.

I was looking at it,
and I was like,

"Someone's gonna ask
if I was a shame cheerleader."

But the S, I think,
stands for Springfield.

I don't remember exactly,
but it wasn't, like,

the high-level cheerleading.

It was like, I think, for
a Catholic youth organization.

I think you had to be able
to recite

the Hail Mary
and do the splits.

I think
that was the requirement.

This is college.

I call this
the Flock of Seagulls period.

Yeah, this is my paper
in 1984 as a freshman.

"Why We Feel
the Pain We Feel."

It's mostly
because of the haircut.

So this is me,
like, really grinding down

to figure out
how emotion works.

Like, I'm not
letting go of this thing,

because it really served me.

Fast-forward.

This is my dissertation
where I try to study

the anatomy of connection.

I try to answer what
we're gonna answer in here.

But I couldn't do it.

I failed.

I couldn't
figure out something,

and it wasn't until
I did this research

that I learned
what I was missing

and was able to actually finish
the theory

that I started 20 years ago.

I did let the other side
of my hair grow out

and became a mom.

I had my daughter.

Then we go
to the next 20 years,

where I start researching.

I start writing books.

We add to the crew
with my son, Charlie,

and there's Steve and I

together
for 30-something years.

So that's where we are,
and I think I can--

I think I can...

not lead you through this.

I think I can
walk alongside you.

Y'all ready
to tackle this together?

all: Yeah.

I use the word "tackle"

because I think
you'll find this work

to be full-contact sport.

This is about how we feel.

This is about how we think.

This is about how we behave
and show up.

And if you would have asked me
five years ago,

ten years ago if this was
one question or two questions,

I would have said it's two.

Let's figure out how
we connect with ourselves.

Let's figure out how we connect
with each other.

And I don't think
there's anything more important

in terms
of changing my mind than this.

Our connection
with other people

is only as solid and deep
as our connection to ourselves.

In order for me
to be connected to you,

I have to know who I am.

I have to be
connected to myself,

and I think
what we end up doing

is, we end up
desperately searching

for connection
with other people

when we have no idea
who we are.

I mean, this brings me back
to dating in my early 20s.

How many of you know

the dating
in your early 20s grind?

[laughter]
Yes, yeah.

For me, it was, "Hey, what
music do you listen to, Brené?"

"I don't know.
What music do you listen to?

"Oh, me too.
I love that band.

"Oh, what's that band?

Okay, listen to that band.
Listen to the band."

"Where do you want
to eat tonight?"

"I don't know.
what do you want to eat?

"Oh, my favorite's
Italian too.

That's so crazy.
We have so much in common."

And now, like, I'm in my 50s,
and so now those couples,

what goes on
inside their house is,

"Hey, I don't wanna
eat that shit.

"I never liked it
from the beginning.

And if you put on that album
one more time"--

"But it's your favorite album."

"I never liked that group.
I just liked you."

We have a tendency
to look externally

when we feel lost
and disconnected.

I think it's why
Instagram ads work so well.

I think they know us, right?

And then I'm like, "Oh,
I'm feeling kind of lonely,

"but here's a group of people
that, you know,

"are having
a really good time in Italy.

"That's where I'll go,
to Italy.

"I'll get these boots,
'cause these boots

will walk
right into new friendships."

We often look outside
of ourselves to find the shore.

We look outside of ourselves
to find the safe harbor,

the port, right?

But that safe harbor
does not live outside of us.

It lives within us.

And I think we can figure out
where is that thing in us

that we need to connect with

so that we can connect
meaningfully with other people.

And we're gonna start
with a very basic premise

that is basic,
but if you don't know it yet,

it's going to change
your perception.

This is a quote
from Antonio Damasio,

who is a professor

of neurology,
psychology, and philosophy.

The biggest mistake
we make about who we are

is believing
that we are thinking beings,

that we are
cognitive-driven people...

who on occasion
stumble into emotion,

move it out of our way,
flick it aside,

and get back
to our thinking selves.

This is not true.

We are, above all else,

emotional beings
who on occasion think.

And you know what makes that
really hard?

It makes it really hard

because we don't
pay attention to emotion.

How many of you were raised
to believe

that emotion
is really important,

we should talk about it
all the time,

we should get
a huge vocabulary?

Wait, wait.
I wanna see your face again.

She's got the "hell no."

How many of you were raised
to believe

that emotion's super important
and we have--

Okay, so we've got
an in of three or four,

five maybe.

Y'all, oh, my God,
you're so lucky.

We're not taught
that way, right?

We're taught that, really,
emotion gets in the way

of what we are
supposed to be doing.

This is not the case.

One thing I'm gonna
also tell you

that's really important.

If you were holding
a very hot cup of coffee

and you spilled it
on your hand,

the pain centers
that light up in your brain

are the exact same pain centers
that light up

if you feel socially excluded,
rejected, or isolated.

We neurobiologically process
emotional pain

the same way

that we process physical pain.

We're emotional beings,

and pain for us,

as members of a social species,

is being on the outside.

That's real pain for us.

It's not any different
than physical pain for us.

This is where we need a portal.

How many of you are movie fans?

Don't you love the scene
with the portals,

where people open something
and they're somewhere else?

Yeah, okay,
I got snaps, yes.

There's nothing better
than a great portal scene.

Let's see. Let me remind you
of some portals.

You ready?

- Can you tell me where I
might find Platform 9 3/4?

9 3/4?

No, no, Charles Wallace,

don't go over there.

What?

- Okay, okay.
Here we go.

Oh, I hate this part.
All right.

Have a nice trip.

[tires squealing]

[children screaming]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Is that everyone?

What, you wanted more?

♪ ♪

Avengers...

♪ ♪

Assemble.

The portal.

God, I love a portal.
Do y'all love a portal?

- all: Yes.
- Okay.

Is that portal scene
from "Avengers: Endgame"

maybe the best portal scene
in cinematic history,

or am I just an Avengers fan?

It's just--it's just
such a great illustration

of how--if you'll remember
through that whole series,

portals can bring good news,
and portals can bring bad news.

And I love that in the final
scene of "Endgame,"

that portal
brings the good news,

'cause we're gonna jump
into some portals

that I think are gonna
bring good news.

Before I take you
into a portal,

let's talk about what are
your fears around a portal.

- The unknown.
- That you'll never come back.

That you'll never come back.

- The unknown.
- The unknown.

- That you don't know
what's on the other side.

- You don't know
what's on the other side.

- Am I alone?
- Am I alone?

Like, if you're gonna suck me
into the portal,

suck me in
with my people, yeah.

- You might prefer
to come back.

- I might wanna come back,
but I'm on the other side now.

Okay, so here's
what I'm gonna tell you

about the portal
that we're getting ready

to go into.

It's gonna hurt.

You're not gonna be able
to come back.

You probably do not fully know
what's on the other side.

And you will not
be able to unsee it.

Ready?

No.

Everyone--a couple of y'all
are like, "Let's do it."

And then a couple of y'all
are like, "This is bullshit.

This was not--
this was not in the waiver!"

Our portal, literally,

this is a portal
to new universes,

new choices, second chances.

It's an amazing portal.

Language.

Language is the greatest
human portal that we have.

Meaning-making, connection,

healing,
learning, self-awareness.

Having access
to the right words

changes everything.

And I will tell you,
we're gonna full-on

go into language.

And you're gonna learn
and unlearn

and relearn with me words

that we think we knew
but we didn't know,

and you won't be able
to go back

from this moment again.

Let me tell you what we did,

probably starting
ten years ago.

We surveyed
just over 7,000 people

and asked them to identify,

to write down the name
of every emotion

they could recognize

while they were
experiencing it.

Not just the na--
not just a list of emotions

that they knew
or words that they knew,

but what were the emotions
that you can actually recognize

when you're experiencing them?

What do you think
the mean number was,

or average number?

7,000--
just right over 7,000 people.

- Five.
- Five.

- Four.
- Seven.

- Ten.
- Four, seven, ten.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

Three.

Happy, sad, and pissed off.

I call it
the mad, sad, glad triad.

Helpful.
We'll just look at this.

The emojis, right?

Let me ask you,
how many of you spend

an unreasonable amount of time

finding the right
emoji feeling?

Wait, tell me what this face is
that you're making.

I spend half my time texting

just looking
for the right emoji.

- [laughs]
You spend

half your time texting
looking for the emoji.

Yeah, it's important, right?

It says everything.

So what does it mean
if, on average,

we can recognize three
in ourselves?

This is one
of my favorite quotes.

I heard it first in college.

This is from
Ludwig Wittgenstein.

So what does it mean
for you and for me...

When the limits
of our emotional language

literally shape
how we feel every day

because we do not
have the words?

What does that mean for us?

That means we are stuffing
things that are nowhere close

to happy, sad, or pissed off
into language.

And what happens
when we do that?

Do you think it deepens
connection with self?

Does it deepen connection
with others?

No, it's a huge disruptor.

What does it mean when we can
get really granular?

I mean, I'm hearing from you

that you get granular
on your emojis, yes?

Let's hear from
a really good friend of mine,

Dr. Susan David,

who has studied
emotional granularity.

That's what we call it

when you can get
really specific.

She's an incredible researcher.

Let's listen
to what she has to say

about emotional granularity.

- Emotion granularity
is the skill set

that allows us to understand

our difficult experiences.

Words matter.

When we use accurate labels
to describe how it is

that we are feeling,
we are able to transform

what often feels like
an oceanic, murky experience

into something with boundaries
and a name.

But so often, we don't use

the skill
of emotion granularity.

Instead, as human beings,

often what we do is, we devolve
to big umbrella terms,

but when we do this,
our psychology doesn't know

how to navigate the reality
of what we are experiencing.

Because, for instance,
there's a world of difference

between stress
and disappointment,

stress
and feeling unsupported,

or stress and that knowing,
gnawing feeling

that you're in the wrong job
or the wrong career.

One of the ways
we stop ourselves

from being granular
with emotions

is when we default
to forced false positivity,

what I sometimes call
the tyranny of positivity.

When we say things like,
"Good vibes only,"

or, "Just be positive,"

what we are essentially
saying is,

"My comfort is more important
than your reality."

And this stops us both
in ourselves and with others

in truly understanding
what it is

that they are experiencing

in a more nuanced, precise,
and effective way.

- It's big, huh?
- Yeah.

- It changes everything
and will--

more of this will unfold
as we go

through this series together,
but here's what we know

from the neurology
of language and emotion,

that language
doesn't just communicate

to other people
what we're feeling.

It shapes the actual affect
and emotion that we're feeling.

So when we mislabel things,

it changes our experience
of them.

So I wanna look
at some emotions.

There's actually 87
in the book.

Yeah, it's a lot.

And what we're gonna
talk about in this series

are the foundational ones

that I think, if we can
put these into practice,

the muscles we build around
putting these into practice,

that skill set is transferable
to all the other emotions.

So I want to start
with a really tough one.

It's a hard word.
Anguish.

Not a word
we hear a lot, right?

And I have to tell you,
admittedly,

emotion researchers don't get
very close to this word at all.

They research around it.
They research right up to it.

They stick their big toe

in the research waters
of anguish.

But they don't get
really specific on anguish,

because it is a very difficult
emotion and experience.

Who gets there, do you think?
Who tackles it?

Artists, poets, writers.

They tackle anguish.

So let's look at this poem
by Ranata Suzuki.

"Anguish, it's one
of those words you understand

"the meaning of just
by the way that it sounds.

"It has this
gnarling rasp to it

"as you twist
your mouth around to say it,

"kind of like what feeling it
does to your insides.

"It's an awful,
drawn-out, knotted-up word.

It's also one of the things
I feel without you."

I'm gonna show you a painting.

The name of this painting
is "Anguish."

This is a ewe or a mom

over her dying lamb

surrounded
by a murder of crows.

This is by August Schenck.

It hangs
in the Victoria Museum

in Melbourne.

It's five feet tall
and eight feet wide

and has been voted
the most powerful piece

in the museum
multiple occasions.

Better sense
of what anguish means?

Is it the same as sad?

It's not the same as sad.

It's just not the same as sad.

And if we don't have
the language for it,

how do we communicate it?

So we developed--
from our research,

we developed
a definition of anguish.

The shock and incredulity,
meaning just kind of,

you can't believe
it's happening,

completely take
your breath away.

The grief and powerlessness
of anguish...

Just steal your mind
and your heart.

But the thing about anguish
that we need to understand

so we understand
the human experience

is that combined,

anguish doesn't just come
for our breath

and our heart and our mind.

Anguish comes for our bones,

because the real human response
to anguish

is a crumpling on ourselves,

normally a falling
to the ground.

I wanna show you
a collection of sculptures

that I saw
probably 15 years ago.

And I knew the first time
I saw it,

I would never forget it.

The name of it
is "Dark Elegy,"

and it's by
Suse Ellen Lowenstein,

and in 1988, her son Alexander

was on a flight that was
brought down by terrorists

over Lockerbie, Scotland.

And Suse is an artist
and a sculptor,

and what she did is, she
sculpted all of the mothers

and wives who receive calls

about their partners
and children.

She sculpted the moment
the call came in.

This is anguish.

I've experienced anguish
in my life.

It's not a story
I can fully tell

'cause it's not my story,
but I remember one day

probably--I don't know--
eight or nine years ago,

I was walking into church.

The kids ran ahead
of me and Steve,

and Steve and I
were walking in,

and my phone rang,

and it was a weird time
for this person

to be calling me,

so I answered the phone,

'cause it scared me.

You know how you get
a call at a weird time

and you're like, "I'm not
not gonna answer that."

And it was someone
I cared very much about

sharing a desperate story
with me.

This person
had been contemplating

living or not living

and disclosed
a terrible violence

that had been perpetrated
on them

that I did not know about,

and I had known this person
for 30 years.

And all I remember
from the call, really,

was dropping my purse

and holding on
to the brick wall of the church

and kind of sliding
down the wall

and Steve picking me up
and getting me to the car

and then going back in
and getting the kids

and then us going home.

And I don't--I don't fall
to the ground anymore

when I think about that--

the content of that story
and what I heard.

And I still feel anguish
around it,

but we need
to understand anguish.

We need to understand
what people are experiencing

when it's so bad,
it goes for our bones;

it makes us literally
fall to the ground, right?

But we don't have
language for it,

so how do we talk about it?

How do we help?

How do we support?
How do we step in?

And when we see it
on the news--

'cause how many of you
have seen anguish

in the news
in the last two years?

We have to ask ourselves,
"What do I have to tell myself

to believe
what I'm seeing is okay?"

That is anguish.

Someone is in anguish,

but we don't have
the language for it.

Does that make sense
to you all?

Okay, let's go on.

We're going to take a big turn,

and I'm gonna have you tell me

what the emotions are
that we're watching.

Are you ready?

[spirited music]

♪ ♪

Michael, look!

♪ ♪

[gasps]

♪ ♪

It's beautiful.

♪ ♪

Holy Mary, mother of God.

♪ ♪

- Whoa.
- Whoa!

♪ ♪

Mm.

You know, I have used
film clips to teach

for probably maybe 25 years,

and one of the reasons
I use them is,

Roger Ebert said that movies
are empathy machines.

My favorite might be--
well, I'm a huge

"Sound of Music" person,
so I love that.

But I think probably "E.T."

or the "Jurassic Park" moment.

What were some
of your favorite clips?

"Big Fish."

- "Big Fish."
- "Coco."

- Oh, my God, "Coco."
- Beyoncé.

- When Miguel sees the land--
the Day of the Dead--

Which one?

- Beyoncé.
- Beyoncé.

- "Black Is King"
with the swimmers.

Okay, how many of you felt

what was happening
on the screen there?

Yeah.
What did you feel?

- Awe.
- Excitement.

- Wonder.
- Fascination.

- Awe, wonder,
excitement, fascination.

Tell me what's going on
in your bodies right now.

Tell me what was happening
as you were watching.

Joy.

- Joy.
- Curiosity.

- Curiosity.
- Teary.

Feel it in your chest.

- Felt it in your chest.
Teary.

- Excitement.
- Excited.

- Hope.
- Hopeful.

How small we are.

Oh, how small we are.

Well, how small we are
is the great--

like, I didn't plant this,
but it's the perfect segue,

because our smallness
is a key indicator

of two emotions

that are essential
to the human experience.

Awe and wonder.

We feel small, right,

compared to the vastness
of things.

But did you know there's
a really important difference

between awe and wonder?

Let's look at Ulrich Weger

and Johannes Wagemann's
research.

So what's the difference
between awe and wonder?

Awe, we just wanna take it in.

We just wanna watch it
unfold, right?

Once I started
doing this research,

I made an awe list of things
that I wanna see--

not that I'm
more curious about

but I wanna see.

This is on my awe list.

The northern lights.

How many of you
have this on your awe list?

I wanna see it.

We can do that,

but we also miss out
on a lot of everyday awe.

This is my dog...

Lucy.

She fills me with awe

because it's like
I live with an Ewok.

Doesn't she look like an Ewok?

But what about wonder?

Who said, "Curious"?
You said, "Curious."

Curious is the key indicator,

along with smallness,
of wonder.

I want to know
more about that.

So these are both two things
we need in our lives,

but if you think
we're bad at having names

and being able to recognize
the hard emotions,

we're even worse at the things
that are positive

that we need more of.

I want more awe.

I want more wonder.

All right, let's take
another hard turn,

and we're gonna go into grief.

How many of you enjoy
a sad movie on occasion?

Okay, most of us.

Some of us are like,
"Hell no.

I don't even know
what they're talking"--

The world's sad, right?
It gets hard sometimes.

So I did a survey.

I don't know
if it was a survey.

I just did a social post

across all my platforms
and said,

"Do you like
to watch sad movies?

"If so, why?

What are your favorite
sad movies?"

And we collected
75,000 comments

across all the platforms,

and these are stills
from many of those films.

So probably one
of the hardest ones for me

is the first,
from "The Color Purple."

"Terms of Endearment."

"Grey's Anatomy."

"Beaches."

"The Farewell."

"Life is Beautiful."
Whew.

"Up."

That's misleading; that should
come with a warning,

because it's a cartoon.

"Brokeback Mountain."

I'll just say this:

any movie where a dog dies.

Yes or no?

all: Yes.

You know why we watch them?

To be moved.

We watch sad movies
to be moved,

to be reminded of what it means
to be human and to feel deeply.

And I think
that's a powerful thing.

So I didn't show you
the reel here,

and I wanna talk about
why I didn't show you

a reel of these clips.

The first reason
is to drive home

something that we've
already talked about

but I want you
to really think about,

which is this:
that's exploitive as hell,

to show you a reel of these
scenes from these films,

because--
and as emotional beings,

when we are being
emotionally exploited,

we know it, right?

And I could definitely--
you know, I couldn't,

but the team that put this
together are amazing.

They could have made a reel
that could have--

you know,
it would have taken us

30 minutes
to recover from that.

But it's exploitive,

and that's not how we learn.

We need to be able
to build a bridge

between our emotion
and our thinking

that I don't think a reel
would do,

and I just don't think
it's appropriate.

The second reason
is more academic.

And let me go to the slide,

and let's look at it.

Emotion is biology,
it's biography,

it's behavior, and backstory.

So let me break this down.

How we feel...

is about our body's response
to something.

They call them feelings

'cause where do you think
we process emotion first?

In our bodies, right?

It's biography.

It's how we were raised,
the culture we come from.

Is it okay
to feel these things?

What should you feel about?

I was raised
in a family culture

where pissed off was okay;

hurt feelings were not okay.

You can be pissed,
but you can't be hurt or sad.

What's your biography
around emotion?

Behavior?
How do you show up an emotion?

But emotion is also backstory.

I'm gonna run--
I'm gonna go backward.

Let's just take "Up."
How many of you've seen "Up?"

So the majority of you.

I can show this
where clearly you could see

that someone's in the hospital.

Probably her partner's
with her.

She's probably dying,
and he's sad.

But what's the story
that we know?

We don't weep at this moment

because it's just
a sad screenshot.

We weep,
we feel grief,

we feel sad in these moments

because of the journey
that the characters

have been on, right?

This is at the end
of a montage,

not the beginning.

We grieve because we understand
the backstory.

We have been on a journey
with people, and we understand.

What's interesting is probably

the biggest error
of my research

in the past ten years--

and not just mine,
but I've heard people say--

emotion researchers
from around the world

say this a thousand times.

"We should learn
how to read emotion

in ourselves and others."

Right?
Have y'all heard that?

We need to learn
how to read emotion

in ourselves
and other people.

Well, I'm here to tell you
I do not believe

that we can read emotion
in other people.

There's too much going on.
There's too many layers.

Biology, backstory,
biography, we don't know.

Let's watch
a couple of clips,

and let's try to figure out
what this person's feeling.

- Let's go in
through the back of the house,

- and we'll--
- I just wanna say one thing.

Just wanna say one thing.
Just wanna say one thing.

Let's go through the kitchen.

- Stop it.
Stop it for a second.

- Just--just--

- I've been waiting
to talk to this prick

- for a long time.
- Okay.

- I am not cloying.
I am not needy.

I don't care what you think.

You're not getting to me.
I'm not needy!

Chocolate lava cake is not just
undercooked chocolate cake.

That's not what makes
the center molten.

You take a frozen cylinder
of ganache,

and you set it in the ramekin

so that as the outside
cooks fully,

the inside becomes molten.

- Okay.
Okay.

It's fucking molten, see?

It's fucking molten,
you asshole.

And you don't do anything.
What do you do?

You sit, and you eat,
and you vomit those words back.

To make people laugh.

You know how hard I work
for this shit?

Do you know how hard
my whole staff works?

What sacrifices I make
to make you happy,

and then you just smugly
just fucking shit on my shit?

- How many of you
know the movie "Chef"?

It's one of the best movies.

I mean, it's just probably
one of my favorite movies.

You need to see it.
Like, he's a chef.

Dustin Hoffman
owns the restaurant.

He wants to cook
his own great food,

but they make him cook
the same shit

they've always cooked,

and then a critic comes in
and just eviscerates him.

So let's just guess
what he's feeling.

- Embarrassed.
- Embarrassed.

- Misunderstood.
- Misunderstood.

Lack of respect.

- Lack of respect.
- Pissed off.

- Pissed off.
- Rage.

- Fear.
- Rage, fear.

- Humiliated.
- Humiliated.

- Unappreciated.
- Unappreciated.

- Righteous.
- Righteous.

Who said, "Righteous"?
Righteous.

- Scared.
- Scared.

- Hurt.
- Hurt.

- Powerless.
- Powerless.

If I were
an emotions researcher

just watching that,

the first thing
I would have guessed was shame.

Because one of the most
socially acceptable ways,

especially for men,
to process shame is rage.

So I would have
guessed rage, right?

Okay, so we have a lot
of different guesses,

from frustrated
and misunderstood

to shame, rage.

Let's watch another one.

- I was safe.
I had me a family, a job.

I wasn't gonna get
that last strike.

I was standing on first base,

waiting for one of them boys
to knock me in,

to bring me home, huh?

- You should've
stayed in my bed, Troy.

- I saw the gal,
she firmed up my backbone.

I got to thinking
that if I tried,

maybe I could steal second.

You should've held me tight.

You should've grabbed me
and held on.

For 18 years, and I thought,

"Well, God damn it,
go on for it."

- We ain't talking
about baseball.

We're talking about you
going off and laying up

with another woman
and bringing her home to me.

That's what
we're talking about.

We're not talking
about no baseball.

- Rose, you're not
listening to me.

I'm trying to explain it
to you the best way I know how.

It's not easy for me to admit
that I've been standing

in the same place for 18 years.

- Well, I've been
standing with you!

I've been right here
with you, Troy!

I've had a life too.

I gave 18 years of my life

to stand in the same spot
as you!

Don't you think
I ever wanted other things?

Don't you think
I had dreams and hopes?

What about my life?
What about me?

- Let's just take a moment
for Viola Davis and Denzel,

I mean, but whew.

Okay, what would you guess?

- Defeated.
- Defeated.

Frustration.

- Enraged.
- Enraged.

- Failure.
- Failure.

- Devastated.
- At your wits' end.

- Devastated.
Wits' end.

- Desperation.
- Desperation.

- Hurt.
- Hurt.

- Betrayed.
- Betrayed.

- Betrayal.
- Resentment.

Resentment.

The first thing I would say

as a researcher looking at that

would be grief.

But we don't know, right?

We don't know.

And so this is where

we're gonna start doing
two things at one time.

How do we find our way back

to ourselves and each other?

How do we get reconnected
to ourselves and each other?

The answer has two parts.

One, we need language

that is as expansive
as the human experience.

We need more words, right?

The second thing
I think we need

is a framework for connection

that allows us to get curious
about what it means to connect

but also holds us accountable
for how we connect

with ourselves
and other people.

Does that make sense?

We need to get accountable,

we need to do some discovery,

and we need more language.

And how we're gonna do this
in this series is,

we're gonna dig into--

I was gonna say
a shit ton of language,

but that's not really
a research measurement,

but we're gonna dig--

we're gonna dig
into a lot of new words

and a lot of new meanings,

and we're going
to start slowly,

over the episodes
we spend together,

unfolding a ground--

I'm a grounded theory
researcher,

so a grounded theory

on cultivating
meaningful connection.

So we're gonna build
the language skills

and then look at a framework.

So the first part
of the framework that I want us

to get our heads and hearts
around is this question.

I think, for a long time,
those of us who have studied

empathy and emotion in general
have said things like,

"We need to be able to read
emotion in other people.

"We need to be able
to read emotion

"so that if I see you
struggling,

"I can say, 'Oh, I can see
that you are in shame,"

"or, 'I can see
you're experiencing regret.'

"And then I can walk
in your shoes

"and try to say, 'Oh,
I know what that feels like.

I have felt that before.'"

I don't think we can do that

as Jon Favreau and Viola Davis

and Denzel Washington
and Dustin Hoffman

and a lot of good folks
just showed us on these clips.

I don't think we walk
in other people's shoes.

I don't think that's possible.

I can tell you right now
that I have taught

race, class, and gender
and studied it for 25 years.

I can't walk in the shoes
of someone

that doesn't have my privilege

around my education,
around my race,

around my--the resources
I have access to.

I can't do that,

and to do it ends up
causing people pain.

What do we do instead of
walking in other people's shoes

and trying to guess
what they're feeling?

It's not revolutionary,
but it's hard.

- Listen.
- Listen.

And there's a second part of it
that we don't do.

- Believe them.
- Wait, what'd you say?

Believe them.

- We believe people
when they tell us

what their experience
in their shoes felt like,

and we believe them
when that does not reconcile

with our own experience,

and that is what we do not do.

That is what we do not do.

We ask you,
"What is that like?"

You tell us
about being overlooked.

You tell us about having
your heart broken.

You tell us
about the microaggression.

But that's not my experience,

so I've asked you,
I've stayed curious,

I tried to listen,
but I don't believe you,

because too much
of what I'm invested in

is threatened
if you're telling the truth.

And we cannot connect
with ourselves and other people

if we don't believe ourselves

and we don't believe
other people

about their experiences.

Does that make sense?

It's big work,
and it's hard work,

but it's why we're here.

It's the work.

So let me give you
a couple definitions.

The first is connection.

So we know, as we move forward
into new episodes,

we can carry
this definition with us.

So this is a definition
of connection from our data.

That is what connection means.

It is reciprocal.

It is being seen.
It is being heard.

It's being valued.
It gives back.

I saw something on Instagram,
ooh.

I think it was posted
by a group that--

we do a lot of work
with Black Therapists Rock,

and it was--it said,

"If you're tired
of that person

sucking all of your energy,
stop handing them a straw."

I was like, "That's so rude.

I feel so seen."

Yeah, and so that's not
what connection is.

Connection is mutual.

There's reciprocity,
and we feel that--

we feel the electricity
of that.

Disconnection,
it's interesting.

Disconnection, just kind of
defined very academically

and broadly
is social rejection,

social exclusion,
or social isolation.

So Judith Jordan at
the Stone Center at Wellesley,

they write a lot about
connection and disconnection,

and one of the things
I love--

they are relational cultural
theorists; that's their theory.

And one of the things I love
about their theory

is, they say
that disconnections,

even acute disconnections,
are inevitable

in every one
of our relationships.

When they are acknowledged

and there are apologies
and acknowledgment of injury,

it is one of the most
profound opportunities

for growth
and deepening of connection.

The problem is that
those injuries to connection

are rarely acknowledged
in relationships

where there are
power differentials,

which is why the injury
just gets deeper and worse.

And we'll talk a lot more
about relationships

and have some really
interesting people come

and help us walk
through that stuff.

I may even subject myself to
some very difficult role-plays.

All right, let's talk about

what we're gonna do
in the next episode.

This should be very resonant
for all of us.

We're gonna talk
about the places we go

when things are uncertain
or too much.

Stress, overwhelm, anxiety,

worry, avoidance, dread, fear,

and my favorite,
vulnerability.

Y'all ready
for the second episode?

- all: Yes.
- All right.

I'll see you next time.
Thank you so much.

- ♪ I'm in the middle
of love ♪

♪ In the middle of love ♪

♪ In the middle
of loving you ♪

♪ It's so far from done,
you tried to run ♪

♪ I tried to tie
your shoes ♪

♪ In the middle of love ♪

♪ In the middle
of love ♪

♪ It's breaking us up in two ♪

♪ Oh, there's not much ♪

♪ I can do ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, there's
not much I can do ♪