Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,512
Uncle Vilnik!
4
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,559
Uncle Vilnik!
5
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:46,959
- Uncle Vilnik!
- Janochka! What you do here?
6
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:50,093
It's Sunday, our work out day.
7
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:54,445
Work out day? Truth. I've been lifting
all morning already.
8
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,013
You want some?
9
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:01,496
Is... is this vodka?
10
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:04,629
I like my vodka like my women:
11
00:01:04,673 --> 00:01:09,025
perfect mix of old Ukraine and Soviet.
12
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,332
How are we gonna
to work out like this?
13
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:16,859
You know, when I was training to be
a first cosmonaut in space,
14
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,080
big work out, I had to lift
guess how much?
15
00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,039
How much you guess?
Two thousand kilograms...
16
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:27,043
In space.
17
00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:39,838
Janochka, when you were little,
I remember, you wanted to be nun.
18
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,275
Yup!
19
00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:43,668
You may not know, Uncle Vilnik
wanted to be priest.
20
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:49,326
Then I turned 13, I find out priest
no can have sex.
21
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,069
But now, they have sex.
22
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,855
It's too bad, it was only job where
I could wear dress to work.
23
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,730
Then Yuri call, and ask me
to be comrade to train for space.
24
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:21,228
I'm originally from Ukraine
25
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:27,277
the country that's been functioning
as one giant quarantine
26
00:02:27,321 --> 00:02:29,975
after the Soviet fell apart.
27
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:34,719
Fucking, drinking and stunt
dancing kosak-style
28
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:37,722
were the only
forms of entertainment.
29
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,640
Covid or any other
socially transmitted diseases
30
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:46,557
were unallowable,
they'’d send you to Siberia.
31
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:52,955
The country has been in
deep shit since forever,
32
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,566
but I'm only telling you this
33
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:59,875
to remind you that
we're all in this together.
34
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,444
And look how strong I turned out.
35
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:09,232
And I was born
on the exact day of Chernobyl.
36
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:14,106
That wasn't a joke.
That's just my luck.
37
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,415
I'm wearing this one-piece
38
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:22,419
as a Millennial tribute
to all the female comedians
39
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336
who stole the look
from Dave Chappelle.
40
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:30,732
And these glasses
41
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:33,604
just to add a bit more credibility
42
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:36,607
for those who have
a hard time focusing on...
43
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:41,221
what I'm saying, rather
than what I'm saying it with.
44
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,094
It's like a stop sign,
45
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:48,880
unless you circle it,
no one's gonna notice it.
46
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:55,191
My full name now is Janet Roth,
47
00:03:55,496 --> 00:04:00,631
because I like my Jewish
last names short-and-sweet,
48
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:07,377
without any... unnecessary
dangling... at the end...
49
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:10,772
of the word.
50
00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:15,516
I'm lucky my ex at least
gave me... a nice... last name.
51
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:20,912
My Armenian maiden name
had four syllables,
52
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,654
the word kiss in it
53
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:27,571
and a question mark.
54
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:31,053
You can'’t go out in the public
when it's dangling like that.
55
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,188
What I do is not easy,
56
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:42,151
most women my age have chosen
to become either a mother... or
a CPA
57
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:45,807
just to make sure they control
everyone in the family.
58
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:49,898
I've started out with an
accounting degree too.
59
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:55,382
I just wasn't anal enough
to take it to the next level...
60
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,124
like I did with anal sex.
61
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:06,175
Anal sex is the only avenue
if the dick is too long.
62
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,048
It's happened to the best of us.
63
00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:13,574
What do you do?
64
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:19,884
Mind you, I didn't say too big,
I said too long,
65
00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:22,583
because ass
66
00:05:22,626 --> 00:05:27,283
is made particularly for this
67
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,678
as it is bottoml-ass.
68
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:35,073
My problem as an accountant was
69
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:40,122
that sometimes instead of 96
I'd put down 69
70
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:45,301
and that would fuck
with my... bottom line.
71
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:52,395
I had to switch careers...
like 27 times,
72
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:57,705
like any normal Millennial these days.
73
00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:00,838
{\an8}Today, I'm a reporter.
I've chosen to
74
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:05,321
devote my life to reporting
straight from the crime scene where
75
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,932
"we're witnessing a male
76
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:11,109
who seems to have suffered
multiple knife injuries,
77
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:14,809
lying with his face down
in a neighborhood alley."
78
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:21,119
I have to report on modern day
"issues" from my life
79
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:24,906
so it happens less
in other people's lives,
80
00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:30,477
cuz I personally feel like killing
a motherfucker EVERY SINGLE DAY...
81
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:34,916
I now live in LA.
82
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:40,182
I've been fortunate enough to have
traveled the world at my age,
83
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,793
and I must admit...
84
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:48,320
LA is a truly exceptional city.
85
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:53,064
There is no other city like LA...
dating-wise.
86
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:57,504
Everyone complains {\an8}how hard
dating in LA is.
87
00:06:57,547 --> 00:06:59,636
Of course it is.
88
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:05,337
Dating in LA is like making it
in LA,
a motherfucking artform.
89
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,471
Being an artist is not enough.
90
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:11,866
You have to be a con-artist to
make it.
91
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:19,526
Men, if you have a hard time
dating in LA
92
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:22,616
it's because of either:
93
00:07:22,659 --> 00:07:25,227
One - your job is not as cool as hers,
94
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:30,319
or - you're trying to have someone
take care of you.
95
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:36,456
Which are two ends of the
same... dick.
96
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:42,418
Dating in LA can be summarized
with one simple sentence:
97
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:46,596
"build it, and they will cum".
98
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,949
If you want to have a good
dating life in LA,
99
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:56,040
you gotta know that LA is a war zone
100
00:07:56,084 --> 00:08:00,088
where every woman is some
kind of a warrior.
101
00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:04,440
If she wanted to settle,
she would've stayed in Indiana
102
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,790
where there's nicer people,
103
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,488
less traffic
104
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:12,100
and where she could have
her happy meal three times a day,
105
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:17,148
and actually retain the happiness.
106
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:21,022
{\an8}Bitch came here to fight for
her place under the sun.
107
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,198
Her attention span is {\an8}short
108
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:27,071
and her breasts
are not made for {\an8}
breastfeeding...
109
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:30,727
{\an8}babies.
110
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,339
What kind of dating
do you expect in LA?
111
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:37,212
I'll tell you what she expects,
112
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:41,695
a modern tale of Tarzan and Jane
113
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:45,133
where the bitch gets saved
in the middle of the fight
114
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:48,571
for her... palm {\an8}tree,
115
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:54,664
"because sun is very damaging
from 10 to 4.
116
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,884
You must know that.
117
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:59,582
You don't know that?
118
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:02,411
I need palm tree."
119
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:05,414
Those are in higher demands.
120
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:10,332
She dreams about being scooped up
by her {\an8}submissive alpha male
121
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:15,293
and thrown into a pool in Malibu.
122
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:18,732
And then maybe, if she feels
like it,
123
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:21,909
she will do charity,
124
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:26,261
or become a CEO of a legging company
125
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:29,046
that donates 40% of their profit
126
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:34,835
to a cause that rescues
endangered bats in Guadalajara.
127
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:38,316
"...ah, so inspiring.
128
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:42,364
How did you get to where you are today,
would you mind sharing?"
129
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:47,238
Otherwise, don't even bother
with LA women.
130
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:53,941
Guys - I'll tell you things most
women won't
131
00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:58,554
because they don't have the balls...
132
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,296
Listen very carefully,
because this advice
133
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:05,126
is going to transform
your dating life in LA forever.
134
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:08,782
It's gonna get you pussy
every single time.
135
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:16,877
If you wanna fuck an LA girl,
make a nice reservation,
136
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,662
pick her up in a nice car
137
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:24,058
and send her flowers the next day.
138
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:26,234
That's it. Bingo.
139
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:31,456
One tiny detail, though,
make sure the flowers you send...
140
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,981
represent her pussy.
141
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:36,679
Because that's how she's
gonna perceive it.
142
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:42,642
Your best bet is to send her
a luscious bouquet of
143
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:47,472
fresh pink roses.
144
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:49,779
Don't send just one rose.
145
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:52,826
Cuz that represents... a single pube.
146
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,089
Or a one-night stand.
147
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,657
I don't know... You don't want
to get
the girl's imagination
148
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:03,488
going in the wrong direction.
149
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,752
And don't text her the
next day like,
150
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:08,363
"“How about now, girl, how about
now?"”
151
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,714
Let the girl sit on it.
152
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,803
Let her marinate.
153
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:18,808
Let {\an8}her reach out to you and be cute.
154
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:23,595
And please, don't pick
her up in a Mini Cooper.
155
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:27,338
If you're a Jewish male after 50
156
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:30,385
and you drive a Mini,
157
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:33,997
make sure you hide it
as long as you can
158
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:39,960
because even though you might know
159
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,397
you have a big dick
160
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,271
it'll still plant suspicion
in her mind.
161
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:48,882
Just get a nice car.
162
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,493
That's why God created Uber.
163
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,455
Another trick - comment on her posts.
164
00:11:57,499 --> 00:12:00,328
LA women like that a lot.
165
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,287
But that goes without
saying, right?
166
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:08,597
This will help you figure out
how she really feels about you.
167
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,079
It's one of those rare cases in life
168
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,995
when comparing yourself to others
169
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:17,998
will actually yield you
an accurate feedback.
170
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:21,175
When you finally succeed
171
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:23,830
and get... closer... to
the woman... of your dreams...
172
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:30,924
all we wanna know is that your
sex life sucked... before you
met us.
173
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:36,668
There's no bigger compliment
you can pay a woman
174
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:41,412
than telling her that she's
the best lover you've ever had...
175
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:44,502
then by eating her ass.
176
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,810
Indirect compliments like that
177
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:50,813
are fundamental to our
growth and development,
178
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:54,034
they're the only ones
that count in our world.
179
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,863
They're the best confidence boosters.
180
00:12:56,906 --> 00:13:01,824
Because we women like to
derive truth in our own unique ways...
181
00:13:01,868 --> 00:13:05,001
Using deductive reasoning and
182
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:09,353
other magical avenues of
figuring out
how you really feel about us.
183
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,577
We can do this all day long.
184
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:19,973
And that's what we do all day long.
185
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,758
Every time you make a move, know
186
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:27,328
that we're "monitoring
your behaviour".
187
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:35,292
I'm just kidding.
We can'’t do this all day long.
188
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:38,643
We'd go crazy.
189
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:42,256
Wait...
190
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:46,347
Who are the girls?
191
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,871
Oh who? These are
my mail order brides.
192
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,873
They come all the way from China.
193
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,701
Cheaper that way.
194
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:55,138
Why don't you
get on pool with girls?
195
00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:56,966
Olga come on, be more welcoming.
196
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,707
Get in with Helga.
197
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,231
What about
the exercising?
198
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:05,409
Exercising? I had to blow
these girls 45 minutes.
199
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,890
You have no idea how much exercise.
200
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,545
Why do you need three?
201
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:14,201
Uncle Vilnik live in big
American suburban house.
202
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,507
Too much room for Vilnik all alone.
203
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:21,730
But you should see my new one.
I call her my Soviet Skeleton.
204
00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,906
Where'’s she at?
205
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,475
Where is she at? Where do they put
skeletons in America.
206
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,216
I put in closet.
207
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:35,613
Romance seems to be extinct in the
20s-60s age group category,
208
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,746
have you guys noticed?
209
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,575
The cycle starts again at 60.
210
00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:43,970
For men of course...
211
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:47,930
Our cycle is completely gone
by the time most men mature.
212
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,628
If ever,
213
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,718
as my research shows.
214
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:57,331
I'm personally done with dating men
215
00:14:57,722 --> 00:15:00,638
or rather calling them
"boy-friends".
216
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:04,077
Like, what the fuck is
a {\an8}boy-friend to begin with?
217
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:09,517
I... I have a problem with
that word.
218
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,954
It's the XXI century.
219
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,696
Who cares about sex...
220
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:18,395
of the person?
221
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,702
A boyfriend?
222
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:24,358
Friend vs spouse is
what I'm looking for.
223
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:28,144
And the second reason why
I'm done with dating men is...
224
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:33,933
because there is no point
to dating at my age anymore.
225
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:39,025
Everything is clear now.
Take it or leave it.
226
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,680
Nothing new to discover here.
227
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:47,990
Same bodily functions,
same genital sensations.
228
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:51,211
Same passion for fast food.
229
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:55,302
And most likely the only passion
we'll have in common
230
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:57,826
if you live in LA.
231
00:15:57,869 --> 00:16:02,265
Cuz we all want it
but we can't have it,
232
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,052
unlike Amazon...
233
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:09,881
so much fun and zero calories!
234
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:16,018
Recent research data shows that
it's Amazon that makes women happy,
235
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:19,108
not dating.
236
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:22,851
Who. Knew. {\an8}That. about JB?
237
00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:29,205
He, out of all men, has been able
to satisfy MILLIONS of women...
at once.
238
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:35,429
Ladies, next time your man proposes
to you with a flea-market ring,
239
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:38,736
think twice before you say no.
240
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,348
Besides making us happy,
241
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:45,830
Amazon shows women what
our productivity can really look like.
242
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,270
We learn just how fast
we can complete a task
243
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:54,361
when we go over 500 bras,
244
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,016
pick out the top 3 best ones
245
00:16:57,059 --> 00:17:00,976
and check out, all in under 69 seconds.
246
00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:04,371
Yes, I tracked time.
247
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:08,288
I'm extremely anal.
248
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,855
Amazon shopping is the best!
249
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:14,076
Order, track, return, no label needed.
250
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:19,125
WOW! That satisfies all my
primal needs as a woman,
251
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:22,476
it makes me feel like...
I'm running the world.
252
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:26,088
And the shit even arrives
ahead of time!
253
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:29,831
Amazon is {\an8}the only time
254
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:33,704
a woman is happy when a load
gets delivered early...
255
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:37,969
by a guy with a tiny flat package.
256
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:42,104
It's better than Adderall,
257
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:47,370
it gives you the feeling of complete
control for under $10/month.
258
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:53,463
Wow... Thanks Bezos, muchos besos.
259
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:55,074
It's even better than anal.
260
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:58,251
For those who haven't
tried anal yet,
261
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:04,257
it basically feels like getting penetrated
by a giant log of shit.
262
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:09,566
Advantages - it opens up your
first chakra
263
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:14,876
and if you're pale, blood will rush
to both pairs of your cheeks
264
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:18,836
and will give you a beautiful,
nice glow.
265
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,448
That's why girls like it...
266
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:25,713
Well, you can'’t tell under these
lights... but...
267
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:32,415
It's nice that Jewish guys
appreciate anal sex
268
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:35,723
despite it being non-kosher.
269
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:39,161
Jewish men are the most attractive
after 50, though.
270
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:43,165
They finally mature a lil bit...
271
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:47,430
cuz mommy isn't around anymore.
272
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:51,478
Which is good news for me.
273
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:55,656
Cuz most mothers in law
would hate me.
274
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:58,006
Imagine me as a daughter in law...
275
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:01,488
"“mom, because of your kosher cooking,
276
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,055
his farts smell like matzo
balls."”
277
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:07,711
They do!
278
00:19:09,539 --> 00:19:12,325
No wonder Jewish women
don't go down on men.
279
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,894
They have their face in the
matzo balls soup all day long.
280
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:21,551
I like my men
- Kamala-
- Harris-style:
281
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:25,990
cute, Jewish, divorced,
preferably with daughters.
282
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,254
I like fathers.
283
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:32,214
Fathers are more attentive
in my opinion.
284
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:37,611
They're more loving. More patient
kind of a man.
285
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:44,705
They've seen the real shit,
loved a bitch,
or several once.
286
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,882
They know how to roll through
that time of the month.
287
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:54,236
I guess that makes me a
father-fucker.
288
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,414
I don't discriminate against men
who have sons,
289
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:01,243
cuz if daddy's being a dick,
290
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:05,029
I can threaten to fuck his sons
when they grow up.
291
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:08,337
Both of them. At once.
292
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:10,644
How's that for a revenge.
293
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,995
Can'’t top that one.
294
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:17,694
I wish Jeff Bezos came up
with Amazon Crime.
295
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:23,091
"Designed by one man,
made for all women."
296
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:28,705
The box arrives empty and leaves full.
297
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,925
That would make life so much easier.
298
00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:37,540
What I don't like is when the kids
are older... than me.
299
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:40,848
It creates unnecessary tensions...
300
00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:44,417
between the father
and the kids.
301
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:50,510
{\an8}My ideal is when I'm a little older
than his kids,
302
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:55,428
and he's a little younger
than my parents.
303
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:58,518
By the way ladies, a rule of thumb,
304
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:03,479
if his kids don't
know about you,
305
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:07,309
you don't need to hear about them.
306
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:12,096
There is nothing more
off-putting
than a dude sharing
307
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:15,883
what he's gonna do with his kids tomorrow.
308
00:21:15,926 --> 00:21:20,191
Unless you're going to tell
them what you and I did tonight...
309
00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:23,717
and where that English cucumber went
310
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,329
before you fed it to them...
311
00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:32,029
And another rule of thumb,
312
00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:35,206
which is more like
the rule of the middle finger,
313
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:41,822
if he tells you that he's not married,
he is separated -
314
00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:46,261
gently remind him that
in order to be separated,
315
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,350
you have to be married...
316
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:53,747
Or just get Amazon Crime if he
doesn't get it.
317
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,792
But no,
318
00:21:55,836 --> 00:22:00,275
I like fathers because
they have experience
319
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,931
handling multiple personalities
at once.
320
00:22:03,974 --> 00:22:09,371
It's funny how sometimes
you hang out with his kids
321
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:11,721
and something like this happens.
322
00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:15,072
"Dad, can Carlie and I watch
TV?"”
323
00:22:15,116 --> 00:22:17,771
"“Did you do your homework?"”
324
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:21,165
"“Not yet."”
325
00:22:21,209 --> 00:22:23,254
"“OK, do your homework first,"”
326
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:30,349
says he with the same mouth
he ate... my ass 30 minutes ago.
327
00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:38,226
"“Janet, don'’t say that. Dad would
never do something like this."”
328
00:22:38,879 --> 00:22:41,272
"“Billy, shut the fuck up.
329
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:44,145
Your dad can'’t wait for you
to fall asleep
330
00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:46,452
so he can go back to... eating
ass."”
331
00:22:48,628 --> 00:22:52,109
But men over 40, without kids,
332
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:55,852
who call themselves
late bloomers
333
00:22:55,896 --> 00:23:00,509
are usually just full of fertilizer.
334
00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:02,468
They annoy the fuck out of me.
335
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:06,210
How do you know
you are one, Mr... Greenthumb?
336
00:23:06,254 --> 00:23:12,042
The question is,
what are we growing here
exactly?
337
00:23:12,086 --> 00:23:15,306
What direction are we headed in?
338
00:23:16,830 --> 00:23:19,441
That's why I don't mess with youngsters...
339
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:22,488
under 39.
340
00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:24,403
It's like marrying a kid.
341
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:27,710
You don't know what he's going
to turn into in 15 years.
342
00:23:30,191 --> 00:23:33,020
I had to turn myself into a
happy woman.
343
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:36,980
I couldn't rely on a man
to sustain my happiness.
344
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:42,812
Supposedly, it doesn't work like that...
for Millennials.
345
00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:44,814
Even my shrink wouldn't get me.
346
00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:48,296
He thought I was anal compulsive,
347
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:51,604
while I'm simply compulsive
about anal.
348
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:58,393
So, I had to take control
of my own happiness
349
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:04,530
and arrange everything
within the confines of my home.
350
00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:08,534
- - I call it Bread-
- Bath-and-
- Beyond.
351
00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:12,233
Fresh bread in bed, a CBD bath,
352
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:16,324
and a dick.
353
00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:20,241
It's the little things
that make us women happy.
354
00:24:21,721 --> 00:24:23,853
Come on, guys!
that was a joke.
355
00:24:27,030 --> 00:24:30,512
I am the perfect example
of a simple woman,
356
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:35,909
feed me, fuck me, let me sleep
and I'll be happy.
357
00:24:36,213 --> 00:24:40,696
That's why I can only picture myself
with a man who's a hard worker.
358
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:45,614
Because sex is hard work.
359
00:24:45,658 --> 00:24:47,921
If the guy's not going an extra mile,
360
00:24:47,964 --> 00:24:51,664
the whole thing is going
to fall apart sooner or later.
361
00:24:52,012 --> 00:24:56,451
Unless he's using both his index
and middle fingers,
362
00:24:56,495 --> 00:25:00,760
dick, eats my ass
and sucks my toes...
363
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:03,458
all at the same time...
364
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:07,593
I will get bored.
365
00:25:07,636 --> 00:25:10,291
What'’s left otherwise,
366
00:25:10,726 --> 00:25:16,079
unless the dick is versatile and can
go places,
367
00:25:16,123 --> 00:25:19,909
I'll be thinking about all those
fun things that I see on the internet
368
00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:22,956
when I pull up porn.
369
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:27,308
Which happens like three times a day...
370
00:25:27,351 --> 00:25:30,006
during the quarantine.
371
00:25:31,791 --> 00:25:34,445
Make sure the dick is functioning though.
372
00:25:34,489 --> 00:25:36,839
Let's agree on one thing,
373
00:25:36,883 --> 00:25:40,495
if you're a male after 50,
374
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:44,238
your dick is emotionally sensitive.
375
00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:47,371
It is volatile.
376
00:25:47,415 --> 00:25:52,028
It is easily offended.
377
00:25:52,072 --> 00:25:55,423
You know what I mean?
It fluctuates
378
00:25:55,466 --> 00:26:00,297
like the stock market.
379
00:26:00,341 --> 00:26:04,563
If your dick goes down
more than it goes up,
380
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:07,478
if it's not a solid bid,
381
00:26:07,522 --> 00:26:12,135
then at least have {\an8}the balls
to do something about it.
382
00:26:14,485 --> 00:26:17,271
If I were a guy I'd be popping
those pills
383
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,751
just for maintenance.
384
00:26:18,794 --> 00:26:21,797
I'd take them first thing in the morning
with my coffee
385
00:26:21,841 --> 00:26:25,932
and I'd just sit there and wait for
386
00:26:25,975 --> 00:26:29,065
all the opportunities to
unfold in front of me.
387
00:26:29,109 --> 00:26:33,896
The blue pill is
like telling a woman that,
388
00:26:33,940 --> 00:26:37,030
that there's a breast
enlargement pill
389
00:26:37,073 --> 00:26:41,425
that works for absolutely anyone,
390
00:26:41,469 --> 00:26:43,950
even the girl with the flattest titties,
391
00:26:43,993 --> 00:26:46,909
has zero side effects
392
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:51,653
and your doctor can prescribe it
to you...
393
00:26:51,697 --> 00:26:54,917
{\an8}every woman would be on it!
I promise you.
394
00:26:54,961 --> 00:26:59,705
It's simple courtesy, just like
opening the door.
395
00:26:59,748 --> 00:27:02,490
I like it when men
396
00:27:02,533 --> 00:27:04,753
25 years and older than me
397
00:27:04,797 --> 00:27:06,450
say shit like
398
00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,539
"I want to spend forever with
you."
399
00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:12,587
This category of men is the most fun.
400
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:15,198
At that age,
401
00:27:16,373 --> 00:27:19,246
your life expectancy doesn't
qualify
402
00:27:19,289 --> 00:27:21,509
as forever.
403
00:27:21,552 --> 00:27:26,340
My forever and your forever
are not the same forevers,
404
00:27:26,383 --> 00:27:31,954
which is what makes
our age difference irreconcilable.
405
00:27:34,043 --> 00:27:40,484
Unless of course,
you know how to slap ass..et or two
406
00:27:40,528 --> 00:27:44,532
on my balance sheet.
407
00:27:44,575 --> 00:27:48,710
Well, that's an old accountant
in me speaking.
408
00:27:50,059 --> 00:27:53,106
Forever, meaning like until
Covid do us part?
409
00:27:53,149 --> 00:27:56,587
That's how cougars are born.
410
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:00,461
But why you need so many?
411
00:28:01,810 --> 00:28:04,378
It's not easy to date in LA.
412
00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:08,774
In old country, we stand in line
all day for anything,
413
00:28:08,817 --> 00:28:11,472
good way to meet girls,
but here not so easy.
414
00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:13,604
What I do?
415
00:28:13,648 --> 00:28:15,781
Are you on social media?
416
00:28:15,824 --> 00:28:18,914
Socialist media?
417
00:28:19,828 --> 00:28:24,224
Oh yeah, Amazon...
You know, for senior like uncle Vilnik
418
00:28:24,267 --> 00:28:28,010
they need Amazon Past Your Prime
419
00:28:28,054 --> 00:28:30,360
and then, any password works.
420
00:28:30,404 --> 00:28:32,667
But you like Amazon.
421
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:37,672
{\an8}I like Amazon. Big women.
Remind me of Eastern Europe.
422
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:40,980
{\an8}Big East German women, strong.
423
00:28:41,023 --> 00:28:42,677
{\an8}with very large breasts.
424
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:46,159
{\an8}But they take too long to blow up.
425
00:28:49,902 --> 00:28:53,079
You know, I never compare people...
426
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,212
every relationship is unique.
427
00:28:57,170 --> 00:29:03,611
Being with a man is sure... a unique
experience, each time.
428
00:29:04,830 --> 00:29:06,657
But my last relationship
429
00:29:07,528 --> 00:29:11,750
pretty much reminded me
of the experience of having a dog.
430
00:29:13,099 --> 00:29:15,405
Don't go against the fur.
431
00:29:15,449 --> 00:29:16,798
pick up their shit
432
00:29:16,842 --> 00:29:21,020
and try to stop him
from smelling every crotch.
433
00:29:21,063 --> 00:29:25,372
That's pretty much it.
434
00:29:25,415 --> 00:29:30,420
I mostly date extremely gentle men
435
00:29:30,464 --> 00:29:34,860
who come with an
emotional support animal.
436
00:29:36,731 --> 00:29:43,085
Every time I get a dog it's
because
the animal needs me.
437
00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:48,221
Every time they get a dog,
it's because {\an8}they... need the animal.
438
00:29:50,571 --> 00:29:53,617
I guess it must feel very empowering
439
00:29:53,661 --> 00:29:56,229
to have a living being
follow your commands.
440
00:29:58,100 --> 00:30:02,626
It must be so good to finally be...
in control... of your bitch.
441
00:30:04,890 --> 00:30:06,456
This actually isn't funny,
442
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,850
it's literally some people's
mission on Earth...
443
00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:14,029
to adopt a dog and finally experience
true love and fulfillment.
444
00:30:17,903 --> 00:30:20,514
Happens a lot in LA.
445
00:30:20,557 --> 00:30:26,868
He had us meet... so she could put
the pussy smell to the face...
446
00:30:26,912 --> 00:30:31,003
must have been so confusing for her
447
00:30:31,046 --> 00:30:32,656
every time he would come home...
448
00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:40,055
he said not knowing me,
but smelling me
449
00:30:40,099 --> 00:30:45,408
was adding anxiety to
her existing separation anxiety...
450
00:30:45,452 --> 00:30:49,673
which she takes meds for.
451
00:30:49,717 --> 00:30:55,897
Wait, who's the emotional support
animal here?
452
00:30:55,941 --> 00:31:00,119
Blind leading the blind...
453
00:31:00,162 --> 00:31:03,035
She acted like she already knew me...
454
00:31:03,078 --> 00:31:06,777
Pretentious bitches act that way
when they wanna be liked.
455
00:31:06,821 --> 00:31:10,694
He tried to make the
three of us work, but
456
00:31:10,738 --> 00:31:13,654
I made him choose.
457
00:31:13,959 --> 00:31:16,526
Now he gets real... emotional support,
458
00:31:16,570 --> 00:31:20,052
real doggy style and full-body
kisses.
459
00:31:21,967 --> 00:31:26,145
He can'’t pick up his own shit,
he's going to pick up her shit
now?
460
00:31:27,755 --> 00:31:32,586
I was like, "take that house too,
she's gonna need it."
461
00:31:32,629 --> 00:31:35,415
He left me a doghouse,
what did {\an8}you think?
462
00:31:38,374 --> 00:31:42,988
His argument was that dogs
are men's best friends.
463
00:31:44,554 --> 00:31:48,036
That is so offensive to us women.
464
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:51,039
We feed you, we share
a bed with you,
465
00:31:51,083 --> 00:31:54,434
we listen to you, we give you advice.
466
00:31:54,477 --> 00:32:00,614
How in the world can a dog
possibly be regarded as a
friend?
467
00:32:01,223 --> 00:32:05,184
A friend is someone who has
an independent opinion,
468
00:32:05,227 --> 00:32:10,363
emphasizing the word {\an8}
independent.
469
00:32:10,406 --> 00:32:14,410
Would you still regard dogs as friends,
if they had opinions?
470
00:32:14,454 --> 00:32:19,720
What's even worse is marriage.
471
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:26,814
Real vows can'’t be broken. Otherwise
what's the point of giving a
vow?
472
00:32:27,336 --> 00:32:30,383
Yet people {\an8}still rush to
get married while
473
00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:34,648
thousands of couples get divorced
every single day.
474
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,478
Marriage is scary.
475
00:32:38,521 --> 00:32:40,784
It turns you into a liar.
476
00:32:41,742 --> 00:32:45,093
Promising someone that you'll
love them forever
477
00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:47,400
is a lie.
478
00:32:47,443 --> 00:32:50,229
How can you possibly know?
479
00:32:50,272 --> 00:32:54,929
That's why so many couples feel this
weight weighing down on them,
480
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:59,107
and one day they eventually
collapse under it.
481
00:32:59,151 --> 00:33:04,460
The weight of a mutual marital lie.
482
00:33:06,767 --> 00:33:09,988
Marital vows should be
like a weather report,
483
00:33:10,684 --> 00:33:15,036
there's a promise of eternal happiness
with 60% chance of divorce.
484
00:33:18,083 --> 00:33:23,349
These two people just lied to each
other, because everyone else
does it.
485
00:33:23,784 --> 00:33:29,311
Their parents did it and so did
their second and third spouses.
486
00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:32,314
Now they have to live
with it "forever",
487
00:33:32,358 --> 00:33:36,927
wondering, "what would happen if
they {\an8}stop loving each other?"
488
00:33:37,189 --> 00:33:39,887
"What's it gonna look like?"
489
00:33:39,930 --> 00:33:42,455
Ugly.
I'm telling you.
490
00:33:42,498 --> 00:33:45,197
It's gonna look so ugly
491
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,809
that even all the ugliness
you've seen on TV
492
00:33:48,852 --> 00:33:51,725
won't compare to what
you're about to witness.
493
00:33:53,683 --> 00:33:58,036
In the process of divorce, most adults
complete their course on humanity
494
00:33:58,079 --> 00:34:03,041
and what true human nature
can look like.
495
00:34:03,998 --> 00:34:05,478
And where did it all begin?
496
00:34:05,521 --> 00:34:08,481
At the altar.
497
00:34:08,742 --> 00:34:11,701
I'm not sure how credible the
church is.
498
00:34:11,745 --> 00:34:15,053
Last time I asked church,
499
00:34:15,096 --> 00:34:19,144
they said I should only have sex
when I want to have children.
500
00:34:20,145 --> 00:34:22,582
Then please explain to me
501
00:34:22,625 --> 00:34:25,237
why I'm the horniest the day
before my period?
502
00:34:29,328 --> 00:34:33,854
It's time for the church to get their
story straight,
503
00:34:33,897 --> 00:34:36,117
because they're losing their audience.
504
00:34:36,161 --> 00:34:40,904
According to my peers, churches,
even the Sexting chapel,
505
00:34:40,948 --> 00:34:44,038
where we can witness God
touching a man
506
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:48,564
will all go out of business by 2030.
507
00:34:48,608 --> 00:34:53,221
Cramps next day -- sure, I can
see that
being a form of punishment...
508
00:34:53,265 --> 00:34:58,661
but tearing the pussy to pieces
every time you got fucked...
509
00:34:58,705 --> 00:35:02,056
that kind of punishment
I don't understand.
510
00:35:04,058 --> 00:35:08,106
You think that kind of pain
would stop
the world from overpopulating,
511
00:35:08,628 --> 00:35:12,110
but no. Women do it. Every day.
512
00:35:12,806 --> 00:35:16,505
Because women can do anything.
513
00:35:16,766 --> 00:35:20,118
I just personally choose not to.
514
00:35:22,076 --> 00:35:24,513
Another problem with marital vows
515
00:35:24,557 --> 00:35:29,170
is that when you promise someone
to love them forever,
516
00:35:29,214 --> 00:35:34,523
they will forever... relax... starting
that exact moment...
517
00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:37,961
Think about it,
518
00:35:38,005 --> 00:35:42,052
if your man has been laid off
for 2.5 years
519
00:35:42,096 --> 00:35:47,101
and he sleeps like he just worked
a 12-hour shift,
520
00:35:47,145 --> 00:35:52,193
will you still be content
with the promise you gave
521
00:35:52,237 --> 00:35:54,935
to love him forever?
522
00:35:54,978 --> 00:35:58,460
Ladies, there must be
some kind of quality control.
523
00:36:00,810 --> 00:36:02,986
Do you think that just because
you gave a vow
524
00:36:03,030 --> 00:36:06,425
you'll somehow magically
continue loving him?
525
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:11,038
Well, that's how you turn
a man into a pig.
526
00:36:11,081 --> 00:36:13,954
That's a sin.
527
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,741
And then they turn into a devil,
on their own.
528
00:36:18,785 --> 00:36:21,048
That's when you call
the same priest
529
00:36:21,091 --> 00:36:25,879
and have him perform an
exorcism on the fucker.
530
00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:29,970
"“Father, I just don't know what
to do.
531
00:36:30,013 --> 00:36:35,541
He keeps getting worse and
worse."”
532
00:36:35,584 --> 00:36:37,586
It's easier with men.
533
00:36:37,630 --> 00:36:40,110
They just call an escort
534
00:36:40,154 --> 00:36:43,766
and pay them with your money.
535
00:36:43,810 --> 00:36:47,030
And then the mofo has
the guts to say that
536
00:36:47,074 --> 00:36:50,033
you got it good cuz you got a job
537
00:36:50,077 --> 00:36:54,864
and you can't relate to his pain and
anxiety from being unemployed.
538
00:36:56,562 --> 00:37:00,392
He calls you an insensitive bitch
and when you're at work,
539
00:37:00,435 --> 00:37:02,481
he rolls a joint
540
00:37:02,524 --> 00:37:04,657
goes down to see your neighbor,
541
00:37:04,700 --> 00:37:07,399
has a 30 minute uninterrupted...
542
00:37:08,530 --> 00:37:11,838
monologue in the middle of
which he realizes...
543
00:37:11,881 --> 00:37:15,798
that he's been in love with this girl forever.
544
00:37:15,842 --> 00:37:19,672
I can't do that anymore.
545
00:37:19,715 --> 00:37:23,502
Vows have to be rewritten.
546
00:37:23,545 --> 00:37:27,636
Now if marital vows sounded
something like this,
547
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,769
everything would be different:
548
00:37:31,466 --> 00:37:34,861
"I truly hope to love you forever,
549
00:37:34,904 --> 00:37:36,558
hence the wedding
550
00:37:36,602 --> 00:37:42,825
yet in the honor of fear
of remaining alone,
551
00:37:42,869 --> 00:37:45,088
if our passion fades away,
552
00:37:45,132 --> 00:37:47,569
let's find it elsewhere,
553
00:37:47,613 --> 00:37:49,702
yet stay together
554
00:37:49,745 --> 00:37:51,007
forever
555
00:37:51,051 --> 00:37:54,837
until death do us part."
556
00:37:54,881 --> 00:37:58,101
Generations would have been
saved!
557
00:37:58,145 --> 00:38:01,322
So many women wouldn't have had
to die
558
00:38:01,366 --> 00:38:05,370
from the hands of jealous husbands
who cheated on them anyway.
559
00:38:05,413 --> 00:38:08,373
Just one additional sentence
560
00:38:08,416 --> 00:38:14,640
added to the ceremony will change
the entire intercourse of humanity.
561
00:38:14,683 --> 00:38:19,819
Now that's keeping it real, church.
562
00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:25,303
Can you imagine the success rate
of marriages after those vows?
563
00:38:25,912 --> 00:38:28,480
A mf 100%.
564
00:38:28,523 --> 00:38:31,570
People would be looking
better and better.
565
00:38:31,613 --> 00:38:34,877
There'd be no room for
quitting the gym,
566
00:38:34,921 --> 00:38:37,576
the "unintentional" hurt
567
00:38:37,619 --> 00:38:40,840
or dirty socks on the bathroom floor.
568
00:38:40,883 --> 00:38:46,715
Your significant other would be {\an8}
afraid
to show up angry and ugly
569
00:38:46,759 --> 00:38:49,892
and dump all his shit on you.
570
00:38:49,936 --> 00:38:53,853
Imagine the mentality people
would walk into a marriage with.
571
00:38:53,896 --> 00:38:57,073
Father walks the bride down the aisle.
572
00:38:57,117 --> 00:39:01,600
Her thoughts are "“Holy fk,
573
00:39:01,643 --> 00:39:05,038
I hope to make this one work, so that
this dude doesn't run away
574
00:39:05,081 --> 00:39:07,823
like the other 4..."”
575
00:39:07,867 --> 00:39:10,783
It would be impossible
to fuck up such marriage.
576
00:39:12,915 --> 00:39:16,223
Homewrecking as a profession
would completely go away
577
00:39:16,266 --> 00:39:20,706
and so would extramarital affairs.
578
00:39:20,749 --> 00:39:24,884
Only fair, because if marriage is
an economic proposition,
579
00:39:24,927 --> 00:39:29,062
then an affair should be double
the offer.
580
00:39:29,105 --> 00:39:31,673
Who can afford triple wages
these days?
581
00:39:35,242 --> 00:39:37,418
Rules have to be rewritten.
582
00:39:37,462 --> 00:39:43,729
A {\an8}woman has to give a pre-vow
way before the couple has sex
583
00:39:43,772 --> 00:39:46,862
and the pre-vow should
sound something like this,
584
00:39:48,081 --> 00:39:52,085
"“Dear John, before we give
into our desires,
585
00:39:53,652 --> 00:39:57,003
I got to tell you that until
we're officially married,
586
00:39:57,046 --> 00:39:59,484
we're technically free.
587
00:39:59,527 --> 00:40:04,140
We'll 'be seeing' each other
as long as we feel like it
588
00:40:04,184 --> 00:40:07,970
and the second someone
decides to cheat or walk away
589
00:40:08,014 --> 00:40:12,584
we'd split up and go our merry
ways."”
590
00:40:15,151 --> 00:40:18,894
Because until he proves
the validity of his feelings
591
00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:23,464
I'm not going to stand there
waiting for
him to propose on my 59th birthday.
592
00:40:24,639 --> 00:40:26,946
"...when you decide that you
want to date me,
593
00:40:26,989 --> 00:40:28,730
you marry me.
594
00:40:28,774 --> 00:40:33,474
That's the day when I will become
more important than your mother
595
00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:36,216
and I'll stop
chipping in on the rent."
596
00:40:36,259 --> 00:40:41,439
Yeah. Life is like a game
of musical chairs.
597
00:40:41,482 --> 00:40:44,485
If you don't call it, someone
else will,
598
00:40:44,529 --> 00:40:47,923
the rest is not gonna make history.
599
00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:50,360
Unless you put a ring on it,
600
00:40:51,144 --> 00:40:54,190
it ain't a relationship in
Millennial terms.
601
00:40:57,150 --> 00:40:58,717
Uncle Vilnik, but
602
00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:02,503
you said when it comes to dating
men like assholes?
603
00:41:02,547 --> 00:41:07,769
No Janochka, I said
men {\an8}are like assholes.
604
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,294
Wow... that changes everything.
605
00:41:11,338 --> 00:41:13,253
How was that last {\an8}arschloch?
606
00:41:14,863 --> 00:41:19,215
He was... ok... but he left a bad
aftertaste in my mouth.
607
00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:21,827
Now that makes sense...
608
00:41:22,958 --> 00:41:26,440
My girlfriends are
way smarter than me.
609
00:41:27,093 --> 00:41:29,530
They read these books on Law...
610
00:41:30,444 --> 00:41:33,447
of Attraction.
611
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:36,189
They say, "“If you want to
attract the right guy,
612
00:41:36,232 --> 00:41:39,279
you got to act like you
already have one,
613
00:41:39,322 --> 00:41:43,196
because that's how the Law
of Attraction works."”
614
00:41:43,892 --> 00:41:46,591
Instead of walking with
a face that screams
615
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:48,897
"I'm craving dick"
616
00:41:48,941 --> 00:41:53,641
tap into the sensation of having one.
617
00:41:53,685 --> 00:41:57,297
I attract the craziest guys though.
618
00:41:59,386 --> 00:42:03,956
I bow down to the doctors
and paramedics,
619
00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:08,308
but guys who drive ambulances
kill me.
620
00:42:08,351 --> 00:42:12,660
I'm talking about those Mini Coopers
that open up in the back,
621
00:42:12,704 --> 00:42:15,184
like an ambulance.
622
00:42:15,228 --> 00:42:18,361
Wtf is that car,
can anyone tell me?
623
00:42:19,624 --> 00:42:21,843
The extended version,
624
00:42:21,887 --> 00:42:24,716
the bigger Mini...
625
00:42:24,759 --> 00:42:29,285
can be used as a hearse for
self-disposing.
626
00:42:29,329 --> 00:42:32,027
I appreciate the thoughtfulness.
627
00:42:33,159 --> 00:42:37,163
What does a woman have
to do to attract a dude in a Mini
628
00:42:37,206 --> 00:42:39,469
according to the Law of
Attraction?
629
00:42:39,513 --> 00:42:41,559
Isn'’t a Mini like
630
00:42:41,602 --> 00:42:44,953
a fancy version of a PT Cruiser?
631
00:42:44,997 --> 00:42:47,869
Or an emasculated Beetle?
632
00:42:47,913 --> 00:42:50,263
"“Babe, hop in."”
633
00:42:50,306 --> 00:42:54,397
"Um, I don't think I can
fit in with my heels."
634
00:42:56,008 --> 00:42:58,880
"Try hopping in from the back.
Have you tried the back?"
635
00:42:58,924 --> 00:43:01,622
"You mean the exhaust pipe?
636
00:43:01,666 --> 00:43:04,103
That looks wide enough."
637
00:43:04,843 --> 00:43:07,628
Don't fucking pick me up in a
Mini!
638
00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:11,676
And if you want to own one, then at
least get a convertible
639
00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:16,594
So, I can get some room vertically.
640
00:43:16,637 --> 00:43:19,727
I want to know
the decision-making process
641
00:43:19,771 --> 00:43:25,472
of an adult male purchasing a Mini.
642
00:43:25,515 --> 00:43:28,214
What was it that triggered it?
643
00:43:28,257 --> 00:43:30,782
Was it like a commercial he liked
644
00:43:30,825 --> 00:43:34,089
or a real life scenario like,
645
00:43:34,133 --> 00:43:39,399
"“Oh, I want THAT car."”
646
00:43:39,442 --> 00:43:45,013
Have you ever seen a smaller dog
trying to fuck a dog twice its
size?
647
00:43:46,841 --> 00:43:50,845
That's what our cars look like when
parked behind each other.
648
00:43:50,889 --> 00:43:56,329
And I drive a normal-size sedan.
649
00:43:56,372 --> 00:43:59,375
I'd be more comfortable
if it was a Prius.
650
00:43:59,419 --> 00:44:02,248
Driving a Prius is a mentality,
651
00:44:02,291 --> 00:44:05,207
it hints on potential growth,
652
00:44:05,251 --> 00:44:07,601
a life transition,
653
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:11,605
or that he drives for Uber.
654
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,694
It's green. It gives you good mileage.
655
00:44:13,738 --> 00:44:18,786
You feel responsibility coming from
every pore of his.
656
00:44:21,354 --> 00:44:25,053
It also says that he doesn't
care about what people think
657
00:44:25,097 --> 00:44:28,927
{\an8}yet he cares about
humanity in general.
658
00:44:28,970 --> 00:44:32,191
What about a Mini?
659
00:44:32,234 --> 00:44:34,933
It literally screams in your face,
660
00:44:34,976 --> 00:44:38,284
"I don't care what hot women
think about me."
661
00:44:39,372 --> 00:44:45,160
And it's not cheap either, so
why not
a BMW?
662
00:44:47,293 --> 00:44:50,339
A Mini is a reflection of one's
mindset too.
663
00:44:51,123 --> 00:44:54,996
It basically says that the owner
gave up on the idea
664
00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:58,130
of ever having sex again...
665
00:44:58,173 --> 00:45:01,786
in the back seat of his car.
666
00:45:01,829 --> 00:45:04,745
Now, how do you want me
to introduce the fact
667
00:45:04,789 --> 00:45:07,835
that you drive a Mini to my
girlfriends?
668
00:45:07,879 --> 00:45:10,664
"And what does he drive?"
669
00:45:11,143 --> 00:45:15,060
Not because my girls are shallow.
It's because they care...
670
00:45:15,103 --> 00:45:17,845
about the environment...
671
00:45:17,889 --> 00:45:21,806
in my life.
672
00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:25,679
There's no way I'd be able to
pull it off with confidence.
673
00:45:27,246 --> 00:45:31,032
We obviously weren't a match, so...
674
00:45:31,076 --> 00:45:35,602
I've come a long way in
my love-addiction recovery,
675
00:45:35,645 --> 00:45:39,780
yet I still get addicted to people,
676
00:45:39,824 --> 00:45:43,871
no matter what kind of car they drive.
677
00:45:43,915 --> 00:45:47,919
I went from thinking that once
a guy kisses you, it's love
678
00:45:47,962 --> 00:45:52,271
to when a guy kisses you down there,
it's love,
679
00:45:52,314 --> 00:45:57,058
to eating ass is for {\an8}sure love,
680
00:45:57,102 --> 00:46:01,933
until I saw this porn that flipped
my world upside down
681
00:46:03,412 --> 00:46:08,504
and it made me realize that
the body and the soul
682
00:46:08,548 --> 00:46:13,596
are two different completely
unrelated things.
683
00:46:13,640 --> 00:46:17,252
Amazing fucking,
684
00:46:17,296 --> 00:46:22,780
apparently has nothing to do
with love.
685
00:46:22,823 --> 00:46:25,304
Yet you do have to be
somewhat in love
686
00:46:25,347 --> 00:46:28,220
in order to do most of
the things they do in porn,
687
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:32,093
as life shows.
688
00:46:32,137 --> 00:46:36,402
So now every time I feel
chemistry with someone
689
00:46:36,445 --> 00:46:40,580
yet zero soul connection,
690
00:46:40,623 --> 00:46:45,803
I gently remind myself that
instead of
691
00:46:46,238 --> 00:46:52,505
signing off my life to yet
another loser
and going down the spiral,
692
00:46:53,593 --> 00:46:57,815
coming out like a peach,
consumed and digested,
693
00:47:00,469 --> 00:47:03,559
I should just turn on porn.
694
00:47:03,603 --> 00:47:06,649
But no matter how much
improvement I think I make,
695
00:47:06,693 --> 00:47:10,697
my appreciation for angry fucking
remains the same.
696
00:47:10,740 --> 00:47:13,613
Nothing tops that.
697
00:47:13,656 --> 00:47:17,356
Angry fucking is the ultimate
proof of love,
698
00:47:17,747 --> 00:47:22,274
because unless he loves you,
he won't angry-fuck you.
699
00:47:25,494 --> 00:47:28,323
Sometimes when I need
the confirmation...
700
00:47:28,367 --> 00:47:30,804
and you really got to get under
his skin,
701
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,416
cuz you only got
one spear to throw.
702
00:47:35,417 --> 00:47:37,680
Otherwise, it's called nagging
703
00:47:38,116 --> 00:47:42,381
and you know what happens
to women who nag...
704
00:47:42,424 --> 00:47:44,209
not sexy.
705
00:47:44,252 --> 00:47:49,301
Those women who try to
cunt-roll...
706
00:47:49,344 --> 00:47:53,348
What is sexy is telling the truth.
707
00:47:53,653 --> 00:47:56,047
Always go for a true fact.
708
00:47:56,786 --> 00:48:01,748
If you love your man and he
loves you back, everything could
be overcome.
709
00:48:02,357 --> 00:48:08,537
So guys, please remember that nothing
boosts a woman's confidence
710
00:48:08,581 --> 00:48:11,845
like eating her ass.
711
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:15,631
There were 23 cons and one pro
712
00:48:15,675 --> 00:48:18,547
to the last guy I was seeing.
713
00:48:18,591 --> 00:48:21,028
And he only stuck around because
714
00:48:21,072 --> 00:48:24,553
he was so... extremely anal
715
00:48:25,250 --> 00:48:28,557
and that was the healing
I needed to move on
716
00:48:28,601 --> 00:48:32,692
from my anal stage.
717
00:48:34,694 --> 00:48:36,478
Janochka.
718
00:48:39,351 --> 00:48:42,354
I can't imagine ever
being married again.
719
00:48:42,876 --> 00:48:47,141
Marriage - very good,
but no more than three times.
720
00:48:47,185 --> 00:48:49,883
You know, in old Soviet, no divorce.
721
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:52,451
You just have to keep
marrying over and over.
722
00:48:53,017 --> 00:48:55,106
But you support marriage?
723
00:48:55,976 --> 00:48:57,847
I support ex-wives.
724
00:48:57,891 --> 00:49:00,981
Ok. Show me your skeleton.
725
00:49:01,025 --> 00:49:03,766
The Skeleton? It'’s a Soviet Skeleton.
726
00:49:04,724 --> 00:49:07,074
Come on, let'’s go I show you.
727
00:49:15,474 --> 00:49:19,826
Come look, look! Soviet
Skeleton!
728
00:49:25,353 --> 00:49:28,574
It's my new... My new doll.
729
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:35,494
Wow!
730
00:49:35,537 --> 00:49:38,845
Blow, blow, blow up girls
till they're nice and plump.
731
00:49:38,888 --> 00:49:42,762
Some don't want to be blown
then I try to pump.
732
00:49:44,459 --> 00:49:47,636
Sip, sip, sip
my vodka, tastes so very good,
733
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:51,727
I'’d go back to old Ukraine
if I only could.
54618
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof