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1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,837
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,406
IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.
3
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,907
[ DOG BARKING ]
4
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:08,676
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO MUZZLE
THAT DOG
5
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:12,146
OR RESCUE TIMMY
FROM THE WELL.
6
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,382
IT'S LARABEE'S
GERMAN SHEPHERD.
7
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,983
EVERY MORNING THIS WEEK.
8
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,919
DAMN DOG'S
GIVING GERMANS A BAD NAME.
9
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,322
I'M SURPRISED
THE SHIRAZIS' FRENCH POODLE
10
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,490
HASN'T SURRENDERED.
11
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,924
[ BARKING CONTINUES ]
12
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,093
[ GROANS ]
13
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,595
[ SIGHS ]
I'M UP. I'M UP.
14
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,497
MIGHT AS WELL
GO TO PILATES.
15
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,864
IF I GET THERE
EARLY ENOUGH,
16
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,766
I CAN TAKE THE CLASS
WITH THE PREGNANT WOMEN.
17
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,069
IT'S EASIER,
AND I GET TO FEEL SKINNY.
18
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,673
HEY. HONEY,
YOU'LL SUFFOCATE.
19
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:42,110
I'LL TAKE SLEEP
HOWEVER I CAN GET IT!
20
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:44,044
[ BARKING CONTINUES ]
21
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,682
HEY, GOOD MORNING.
HEY, HI.
22
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,551
UH, YOU WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT
THE WATER PRESSURE IN THE SINK?
23
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,120
IT'S DOWN TO
A TRICKLE.
24
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,188
WELL, THE HOUSE AND I WERE BUILT
ABOUT THE SAME TIME,
25
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:57,125
SO MAYBE WE BOTH NEED
A PROSTATE EXAM.
26
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,892
HEY, WANT TO TAKE
A PILATES CLASS WITH ME, HUH?
27
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,428
LOTS OF MEN
IN THE CLASS.
28
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,796
NAH, I DON'T THINK
PILATES AND MEN GO TOGETHER
29
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,532
EXCEPT FOR MEN
THAT GO TOGETHER.
30
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,101
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
OH, HEY, CHUCK,
COME ON IN.
31
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,203
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
MY ALARM CLOCK.
32
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:13,441
HEY, BAXTER, I JUST GOT
YOUR TEXT ABOUT LADY'S BARKING.
33
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,708
ALL CAPS?
34
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,244
BETTER WATCH
YOUR TONE, MAN.
35
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,745
TAKE CARE OF THAT DOG.
36
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,047
REMIND THAT GERMAN SHEPHERD
WHO WON THE WAR.
37
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,417
LADY ONLY BARKS WHEN MY NEIGHBOR
STARTS UP THAT TILE SAW.
I KNOW.
38
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:24,985
TH-THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
TH-THE WHINE OF THAT THING
39
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,054
THAT JUST IRRITATES HER.
40
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,823
YOU'RE A BIG MARINE. GO
OVER THERE AND TELL THAT
GUY TO STOP DOING THAT.
41
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,159
WELL,
WHOSE SAW IS IT?
42
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,893
HELEN POTTS.
43
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,962
YOU'RE SCARED
OF A GUY NAMED HELEN.
44
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,930
OH, I LIKE
HELEN POTTS.
45
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,299
HONEY, SHE LIVES
AROUND THE CORNER.
46
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,268
WE GET HER MAGAZINES
SOMETIMES,
47
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,836
AND SHE NEVER COMPLAINS
WHEN I RETURN THEM WITHOUT
THE PERFUME SAMPLES.
48
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,473
WELL, I'VE TRIED REASONING
WITH HER ABOUT THE SAW,
49
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,808
BUT ALL SHE DOES
IS START YELLING.
50
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,310
I THINK SHE'S GOT SOMETHING
AGAINST MEN.
51
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:52,012
DOESN'T LIKE MEN,
USES A TILE SAW,
52
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,747
DOESN'T USE PERFUME --
53
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,383
I THINK THIS PICTURE
PAINTS ITSELF.
54
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,852
I BELIEVE SHE'S
RECENTLY DIVORCED.
55
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,421
WELL, I COULD TALK TO HER
IF YOU WANT.
56
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,122
YOU DON'T TALK TO NEIGHBORS.
IT JUST CAUSES TROUBLE.
57
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:03,824
THAT'S HOW WE ENDED UP
WITH SHAFT HERE IN OUR KITCHEN.
58
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,927
I CAN DIG IT.
59
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,663
WELL, I'M OFF
TO PILATES.
60
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,632
OR, IF THE TRAFFIC'S BAD,
DUNKIN' DONUTS.
61
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,501
HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK.
I LOVE YOU.
BYE.
62
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,002
HEY, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE,
LARABEE. WAIT A MINUTE.
63
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,270
ARE YOU GONNA
TAKE CARE OF THIS OR NOT?
64
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,538
I TOLD YOU --
65
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,307
I TRIED WITH THIS WOMAN,
AND I'M DONE.
66
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,774
AND I'VE SEEN
ENOUGH HORROR MOVIES
67
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,177
TO KNOW NOT TO PISS OFF
SOMEONE WITH A SAW.
68
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:26,714
BESIDES, THE BROTHER
IS ALWAYS THE FIRST TO GO.
69
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,516
ALL RIGHT.
70
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,050
I'LL GO OVER THERE,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
71
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,786
I MEAN, REALLY,
WHY SEND SHAFT
72
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,722
WHEN YOU GOT
DIRTY HARRY?
73
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:36,690
HUH?
74
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,792
WHAT'S WITH THE BAG?
[ CHUCKLES ]
75
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,528
OH, THAT WAS A BIG ONE!
OH!
76
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:49,270
[ SAW WHIRRING ]
77
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:54,208
HEY! YO!
78
00:02:58,412 --> 00:02:59,747
[ SAW SHUTS OFF ]
79
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,249
HEY, THERE.
80
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,484
I'M MIKE BAXTER.
I LIVE ON THE STREET NEXT TO --
81
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,718
WOW.
82
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,254
HAVE WE MET BEFORE?
83
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:16,430
YOU DO LOOK
VAGUELY FAMILIAR.
84
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,831
YEAH.
85
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,834
IS THIS YOUR, UH, TILE SAW?
IT'S A NICE ONE.
86
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,370
YOU LIKE TOOLS?
87
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,206
NOT AS MUCH
AS I USED TO.
88
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:28,942
SO, OTHER THAN
MAKING A LOT OF NOISE,
89
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,611
WHAT ARE YOU --
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
90
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,947
UGH, I GOT A MILLION THINGS
TO FIX AROUND THE HOUSE.
91
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:37,551
MY IDIOT HUSBAND THOUGHT
HE WAS QUITE THE HANDYMAN...
92
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:44,358
...BUT MOSTLY, HE JUST SET STUFF
ON FIRE, BLEW THINGS UP,
93
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,460
AND COMPLAINED
ABOUT MY COOKING.
94
00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,299
SOUNDS LIKE
A FUN TUESDAY NIGHT.
95
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,602
YOU SHOULD TRY PUTTING UP
WITH HIM FOR EIGHT YEARS.
96
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:57,705
EIGHT LONG YEARS.
97
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,573
THE THING IS, THIS SAW
IS MAKING A LOT OF NOISE,
98
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,108
AND IT'S BOTHERING
THE DOG NEXT DOOR,
99
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,776
WHO'S BARKING
AND KEEPING EVERYBODY AWAKE.
100
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,312
IS THERE A WAY
YOU COULD JUST
101
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,946
START THE SAWING
A LITTLE LATER IN THE MORNING?
102
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,915
SORRY, I DO MY BEST WORK
IN THE MORNING.
103
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,720
I USED TO GET MY BEST SLEEP
IN THE MORNING.
104
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,522
HI-DEE-HO THERE,
BAXTER.
105
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,830
HEY, LARABEE.
106
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,433
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE DOING MUCH BETTER
WITH HELEN THAN I DID.
107
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,967
I TOLD YOU
SHE WAS A TOUGH ONE.
108
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,469
YEAH.
109
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,339
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE ON
BESIDES THAT HAT?
110
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,575
MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A --
A DIFFERENT APPROACH.
111
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:39,913
YOU KNOW, MIKE, THIS REMINDS ME
OF THE ANCIENT AZTECS.
112
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,750
WHENEVER THEY HAD TROUBLE
WITH A NEIGHBORING TRIBE,
113
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,084
VERY OFTEN --
YEAH, I GOT --
114
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,120
LISTEN, Y-YOU LOST ME
ON "HI-DEE-HO."
115
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,523
GIVE ME A MINUTE.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.
116
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,659
EXCUSE ME.
117
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,127
YOU AGAIN?
[ SIGHS ]
118
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,029
WOW.
119
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,598
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PROBABLY
PULL THIS WHOLE PLACE TOGETHER
120
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,534
WITH A FEW
COLORFUL ACCENT PILLOWS.
121
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:03,704
MY HUSBAND IS THE REASON
WHY THIS PLACE IS SUCH A MESS.
122
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,807
HE WAS ALWAYS SOUPING UP
ALL OF OUR APPLIANCES.
123
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:11,879
HE REWIRED OUR WAFFLE IRON
SO IT WENT UP TO 1,000 DEGREES.
124
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,681
YOU KNOW WHAT MELTS
AT 1,000 DEGREES?
125
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:16,116
A WAFFLE IRON.
126
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,785
LISTEN, IF YOU'RE GONNA SAW
IN THE MORNING,
127
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,219
WHY DON'T YOU
DO ALL OF US A FAVOR
128
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,721
AND JUST DON'T DO IT
ON THE WEEKENDS?
129
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,222
YOU KNOW,
THIS IS AMERICA.
130
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:23,491
I GET IT.
131
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,059
I CAN RUN MY TILE SAW
WHENEVER I WANT.
132
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:28,128
ACTUALLY, IN THIS PART
OF AMERICA,
133
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,063
THERE'S A LAW AGAINST
DOING CONSTRUCTION
WORK BEFORE 7:00 A.M.
134
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,665
SO, YOU'RE GONNA
BRING THE LAW INTO THIS?
WELL, I THINK I --
135
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:34,402
WAIT, WAIT. AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT HAS THE FLAGPOLE?
136
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,369
YEAH.
137
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:36,870
A POLE THAT SIZE
138
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,572
HAS GOT TO BE AGAINST
SOME KIND OF BUILDING CODE.
139
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:42,075
YEAH, BUT MY POLE DOESN'T
WAKE PEOPLE UP IN THE MORNING.
140
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,647
AT YOUR AGE,
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
141
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,181
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
142
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,017
SO, YOU TAKE
A SHOT AT ME,
143
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,919
YOU DON'T LIKE
THE AMERICAN FLAG --
144
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,655
IT'S NOT THE AMERICAN FLAG
THAT I OBJECT TO.
145
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,758
IT'S WHEN YOU FLY
YOUR BRONCOS FLAG.
146
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,226
I PREFER OAKLAND.
147
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:03,731
PEOPLE IN OAKLAND
DON'T EVEN PREFER OAKLAND.
148
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,835
YOU KNOW, I THINK
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE.
149
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,771
THIS REMINDS ME
OF TALKING TO MY HUSBAND.
150
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,874
YOU KNOW, IF HE'D REALLY
LET HIMSELF GO.
151
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:23,917
OH, THERE SHE IS --
MIKE'S YOUNGEST.
152
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,453
I-IT'S EVE.
153
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,088
WELL, YOU SEEM PRETTY SURE.
WE'LL GO WITH THAT.
154
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,625
THANKS AGAIN FOR HELPING ME
WITH MY ASSIGNMENT, MR. ALZATE.
ALL RIGHT. FINE.
155
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,026
I MEAN,
LET THE OTHER KIDS
156
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,695
DO LAME COLLAGES
ON THE VIETNAM WAR.
157
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,964
AN ORAL HISTORY FROM AN
ACTUAL VET WHO WAS "IN COUNTRY"
158
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,065
WILL BLOW THEM AWAY.
159
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,099
[ CHUCKLES ]
160
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,768
YEAH, I WAS THERE.
161
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,303
I'LL NEVER FORGET THE BUGS,
THE HEAT, AND THE SMELL.
162
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,305
OH, MY GOD,
THE SMELL.
163
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,373
[ SIGHS ]
164
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,108
OH, W-WHAT
WAS THE SMELL?
165
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,777
HOPELESSNESS?
166
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,144
NAPALM?
167
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,145
DEATH?
168
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,581
TILAPIA.
169
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:57,485
OUR OFFICE IN SAIGON
WAS OVER A FISH MARKET.
170
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,119
HUH.
171
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,989
UM, WELL, CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT SOME OF THE MAJOR BATTLES?
172
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,492
THE TET OFFENSIVE
WAS A NIGHTMARE.
173
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:05,726
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
174
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,061
TONS OF PAPERWORK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
175
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,130
REQUISITION FORMS,
EVERYTHING IN TRIPLICATE.
176
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,567
ONE MONTH SOLID --
WE WORKED THROUGH LUNCH.
177
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,068
SO, YOU WORKED
IN AN OFFICE?
178
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,770
YOU -- YOU DIDN'T SEE
ANY FIGHTING?
179
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,639
WELL, I WENT
A COUPLE OF ROUNDS
180
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,741
WITH A HAND-CRANKED
MIMEO MACHINE.
181
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,243
NOW, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
182
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,746
YOU DON'T JUST WIN A WAR
ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
183
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:29,349
UH, TECHNICALLY,
WE DIDN'T WIN THAT WAR.
184
00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,418
CAN'T PIN THAT
ON THE CLERICAL STAFF --
185
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,452
EVERYTHING WAS FILED.
186
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,956
UH, I GUESS
I DON'T GET IT.
187
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,358
I MEAN, I GOOGLED
"ED ALZATE" AND "VIETNAM WAR"
188
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,160
AND FOUND ALL THIS STUFF
ABOUT YOU BEING A HERO.
189
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,128
LOOK.
190
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,096
ALL RIGHT.
191
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,532
WELL, TH-THAT'S
EDWARD P. ALZATE.
192
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,666
I'M EDWARD A., OKAY?
193
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:46,667
THAT'S STRANGE.
194
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,035
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
195
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,103
I MEAN, THERE'S ANOTHER
EDWARD ALZATE OUT THERE?
196
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,641
I GUESS [CHUCKLES] MY OLD MAN
WAS RIGHT -- I'M NOT SPECIAL.
197
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,176
OH, WAIT.
198
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:59,179
IT SAYS THIS EDWARD ALZATE
DIDN'T MAKE IT HOME.
199
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,015
OH.
200
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,684
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
201
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:07,655
"EDWARD P. ALZATE
DIED IN ACTION."
202
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,189
HMM.
203
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,791
WELL, NOW, SO...
204
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,459
EDWARD P. DIED
205
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,963
WHILE EDWARD A. SURVIVED
TO LIVE A FORTUNATE LIFE.
206
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,364
WELL, THAT, UH --
207
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,399
THAT REALLY
MAKES YOU THINK.
208
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,901
HMM.
209
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,371
MAKES ME THINK I SHOULD
GET STARTED ON THAT COLLAGE.
210
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:27,875
I SHOULD DO SOMETHING
TO ENSHRINE HIS MEMORY.
211
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:31,645
MAYBE I COULD RENAME
MY CITY PARK IN HIS HONOR.
212
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:36,183
YOU MEAN, UH, RENAME
THE "ED ALZATE PARK"...
213
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,919
THE "ED ALZATE PARK"?
214
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,889
IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO
FOR A HERO.
215
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,424
IT LITERALLY IS.
216
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,561
[ DOOR OPENS ]
217
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,429
HEY, LOVER.
HEY.
218
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,098
HEY, GET THIS.
GET THIS.
219
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,000
I GO TO THE ATM MACHINE
TO GET CASH, RIGHT?
UH-HUH.
220
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,435
THEN I GO GET GROCERIES AND
SCAN THEM ON ANOTHER MACHINE.
221
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,904
I'M, LIKE,
LIVING THE DREAM
222
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,806
WHERE I DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE.
223
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,878
YEAH, THE PEOPLE
ARE HAPPY ABOUT IT, TOO, HONEY.
224
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,849
WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
I DON'T MIND BEING FRIENDLY,
225
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,283
SO I WENT DOWN TO SEE
HELEN POTTS.
226
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,785
YEAH,
WHAT A NUT BAG, HUH?
227
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:14,354
IT'S AMAZING
A WOMAN WITH SO MANY TOOLS
228
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,056
HAS SO MANY
SCREWS LOOSE.
229
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,925
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
230
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,127
HI, MIKE.
231
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,461
HEY.
232
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,596
I INVITED HELEN OVER
FOR DRINKS.
233
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:23,964
YEAH. SEE THAT.
YEAH.
234
00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,098
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
235
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,267
YEAH, HOPE I CAN GET
A TO-GO CUP.
236
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,816
IS IT SAFE?
237
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,986
SHE STILL HERE,
238
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,588
OR DID THE FLYING MONKEYS
TAKE HER AWAY?
239
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,090
YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
AND YOU NEVER CAME BACK.
240
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,558
WHERE WERE YOU HIDING?
241
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,927
I'M NOT TELLING YOU
IN CASE SHE COMES BACK.
242
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,130
WELL, HELEN AND I
HAD A GREAT TIME.
243
00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,233
I REALLY ADMIRE THE WAY SHE'S
MOVED ON SINCE HER HUSBAND LEFT.
244
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,904
DO WE REALLY KNOW
THAT HE'S LEFT?
245
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,906
WE'D HAVE TO DIG UP
THAT WHOLE BACKYARD
246
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,175
TO BE PERFECTLY SURE.
247
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,010
HONEY, YOU KNOW,
YOU EMBARRASSED ME.
248
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,511
I MEAN, I'M DOWN HERE TELLING
HER WHAT A GREAT GUY YOU ARE,
249
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,013
AND YOU'RE UPSTAIRS
HIDING IN THE...
250
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,081
LINEN CLOSET?
251
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,849
[ Chuckling ]
NICE TRY.
252
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,851
HEY. HI, HONEY.
Mike: HI, KRIS.
253
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,352
YOU KNOW,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING --
254
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,021
WHEN YOU
HAVE GIRLFRIENDS OVER,
255
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,423
DOES RYAN DISAPPEAR
FOR THREE HOURS?
256
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,591
HE DISAPPEARS
INTO THE BEDROOM.
257
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,859
SEE?
258
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,861
THEN HE REAPPEARS
WITH HIS GUITAR,
259
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,964
PROVIDING THE UNREQUESTED
SOUNDTRACK TO OUR BOOK CLUB.
260
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,201
IF I EVER MEET
SEALS OR CROFTS,
261
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,369
I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP
OUT OF THEM.
262
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,839
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
I CAN PLAY "LITTLE BROWN JUG"
ON A RECORDER.
263
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:42,142
JUST, NEXT TIME YOU SEE HELEN,
MAKE AN EFFORT, HUH?
264
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,543
PLEASE? FOR ME?
265
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,612
LEFT A LOT OF FRIENDS BEHIND
WHEN I QUIT MY JOB.
266
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,514
I WISH YOU'D BRING
THOSE FRIENDS HOME AGAIN --
267
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,116
BEN FRANKLIN,
ANDREW JACKSON.
268
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,685
THOSE GUYS
START SHOWING UP AGAIN,
269
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,053
I'LL COME OUT
OF THE UPSTAIRS CLOSET.
270
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,955
DAMN IT!
HA! HA!
271
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,157
HOW'D YOUR INTERVIEW
WITH ED GO?
272
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,959
NOT GREAT.
273
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,129
YOU DON'T EXPECT TO FALL ASLEEP
DURING A GUY'S WAR STORIES.
274
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,731
I WAS KIND OF
AFRAID OF THAT.
275
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,066
ED'S MILITARY EXPERIENCE
IS LESS "PLATOON"
276
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,902
AND MORE
"FULL METAL FILING CABINET."
277
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:13,006
HE DID CUT HIS TONGUE
LICKING ENVELOPES ONCE.
278
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,076
I GUESS I COULD CALL THAT
A HEAD WOUND.
279
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,578
YOU KNOW, ED WASN'T DRAFTED.
HE ENLISTED, YOU KNOW.
280
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,147
SO, IT REALLY WASN'T
HIS CHOICE
281
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,915
OF WHERE THEY FOUND HIM
MOST VALUABLE.
282
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,351
MM, THERE'S
THAT SLEEPY FEELING AGAIN.
283
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,552
[ SIGHS ]
284
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,387
GOOD NIGHT, VIETNAM.
285
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,259
DAD [SIGHS]
ED'S JUST NOT A HERO.
286
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,694
I'M SORRY
YOU FEEL THAT WAY.
287
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,263
YOU WANT TO MEET
SOME MORE HEROES?
288
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,665
GO TO THE VFW
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS.
289
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:39,733
ASK LARABEE.
HE'LL TAKE YOU.
290
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,234
WELL, WHY WEDNESDAY?
291
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:42,936
IT'S BUSY DOWN THERE --
A LOT OF GUYS DOWN THERE.
292
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,471
MAKE SURE YOU TALK TO
THE BARTENDER.
293
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,507
HE CAN OPEN A BEER BOTTLE
WITH HIS EYE SOCKET.
294
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,542
THEY CALL HIM POP.
295
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,247
Helen: I COULDN'T GET UP THEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
296
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,949
HEY.
HONEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
297
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:58,351
I KNOW WHO'S HERE.
I COULD HEAR THE "JAWS" THEME.
298
00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,452
OH, MIKE!
299
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,720
HOW WAS BOOT CAMP?
300
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:01,889
YOU KNOW,
IF YOU WANT SOMEONE
301
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,456
TO YELL AT YOU
AND CALL YOU MAGGOT,
302
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,292
I WOULD DO THAT HERE
FOR FREE.
303
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,427
I THINK GETTING YELLED AT
BY DIEGO
304
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,296
IS THE ONLY REASON
HELEN GOES.
305
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:12,299
I WOULD DROP AND GIVE HIM 20
OF WHATEVER HE WANTS.
306
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,268
COME ON.
IT'S A KITCHEN.
307
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,636
WE EAT FOOD IN HERE.
308
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:19,372
SO, WHAT ARE YOU
FIXING OVER THERE?
309
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,874
ACTUALLY, UH,
WE GOT NO PRESSURE,
310
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,709
AND I THINK THERE'S
A CLOG SOMEWHERE.
311
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,211
WELL, LET ME
HAVE A LOOK.
312
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246
FAUCETS ARE SIMPLE TO FIX.
EVEN A MAN COULD DO IT.
313
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,247
REALLY?
314
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,882
DON'T WORRY, VANESSA.
315
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:31,451
[ Straining ] I'LL MAKE SURE
THIS GETS DONE RIGHT.
316
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,620
HEY, HELEN, IF YOU WANT TO STICK
YOUR HEAD IN SOMETHING ELSE,
317
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,055
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
THE OVEN?
318
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,291
THIS FAUCET NUT
IS STUCK.
319
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,093
WELL, THAT SHOULDN'T BE
A PROBLEM.
320
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,962
I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE TWISTING OFF NUTS.
321
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,066
YOU KNOW [SIGHS]
322
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,636
YOU REMIND ME
OF WHY I ENJOY BEING SINGLE.
323
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,404
YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME,
VANESSA.
MM.
324
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,240
UH, DO YOU GOT ANY,
UH, WD-40?
325
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,908
UH, WELL, IF IT'S REALLY
THAT STUCK,
326
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,810
I THINK MAYBE YOU MIGHT NEED
SOME, UH -- SOME WD-80.
327
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,478
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
328
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,413
DON'T LAUGH AT THAT.
SHE'LL JUST DO MORE OF THOSE.
329
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,115
I THOUGHT
IT WAS FUNNY.
330
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,683
YEAH.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
331
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,785
IT'S NOT REALLY
THE BOLT DOWN THERE.
332
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,088
IT'S THIS.
IT ALREADY COMES OUT.
333
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,289
WHOA!
334
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,024
WHAT'D YOU DO
DOWN HERE?!
335
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,525
I TURNED OFF
THE WATER!
336
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,694
NO, YOU TURNED IT ON!
I HAD IT TURNED OFF!
337
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:15,863
WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT?
338
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,865
GUYS, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ONLY WATER.
339
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,499
WELL, BECAUSE
RIGHT IS TIGHT, LEFT IS --
340
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,268
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH...
341
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,536
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR HUSBAND
LEFT YOU ALL THESE TOOLS.
342
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,205
YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW TO USE THESE THINGS.
343
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,675
[ SIGHS ]
VANESSA, I'M SORRY.
344
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,811
I REALLY ENJOYED
GETTING TO KNOW YOU...
345
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,381
AND DIEGO...
346
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:37,384
BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT
FOR ME TO WASTE MY
TIME AROUND HIM.
347
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,152
WAIT, HELEN.
348
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,554
[ SIGHS ]
CONGRATULATIONS.
349
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,523
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU JUST
DROVE AWAY MY NEW FRIEND.
350
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:44,557
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
351
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,493
SHE PROBABLY
CAN'T GET WET.
352
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,527
SHE'LL MELT.
353
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,529
OH, HONEY.
354
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,704
OH, HEY, HONEY.
HI.
355
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,139
WANT TO TAKE A SPIN CLASS
WITH ME LATER?
356
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,641
NAH,
I'M NATURALLY SLENDER.
357
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,176
FEEL FREE TO HATE ME.
358
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,078
A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
359
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,413
OH, I THOUGHT HELEN
WAS YOUR NEW GYM BUDDY.
360
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,648
AH, WELL, YOUR DAD
WRECKED THAT.
361
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,817
HE'S NOT INTO
MEETING NEW PEOPLE.
362
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,185
OR OLD PEOPLE.
363
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,887
OR, REALLY, ANY PEOPLE.
364
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,923
IT'S BETTER FOR YOU
365
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,058
THAT DAD DOESN'T HAVE
ANY OTHER FRIENDS VYING
FOR HIS ATTENTION.
366
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,660
ARGO, YOU GET TO BE
THE CENTER OF HIS UNIVERSE.
367
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:21,694
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
368
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,598
WOW, YEAH, I NEVER WOULD'VE
LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY.
369
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,934
I KNOW.
370
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,668
I HEAR THAT A LOT
WHEN I SAY THINGS.
371
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,603
I GUESS
I SHOULD BE FLATTERED
372
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,772
THAT I'M THE ONLY PERSON YOUR
DAD WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH.
373
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,207
YEAH.
374
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,642
THANKS FOR TAKING THE BULLET
FOR THE REST OF US.
375
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,578
[ Chuckling ]
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
376
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,947
Mike: YEAH.
377
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,049
YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR WAY
AROUND A HARDWARE STORE.
378
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:43,716
NEXT TIME,
I'LL WEAR MY RED VEST --
379
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:46,119
WE GET
THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT.
380
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,555
YOU GUYS WENT TO
THE HARDWARE STORE TOGETHER.
381
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,924
NO, ACTUALLY RAN INTO EACH OTHER
AT THE HARDWARE STORE.
382
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,126
MIKE WAS LIKE
A 12-YEAR-OLD.
383
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,561
WHILE WE WERE
WAITING IN LINE,
384
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,464
HE HAD THEM PAGE
PAT MaGROIN.
385
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,368
HEY,
YOU LAUGHED AT THAT.
386
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,136
ISN'T THAT
OUR SUPERMARKET JOKE?
387
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,105
WELL, IT REALLY WORKS
ANYWHERE THERE'S AN INTERCOM
388
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,474
AND NO EMPLOYEE
NAMED PAT MaGROIN.
389
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:11,611
LISTEN, I GOT HELEN
A LITTLE PEACE OFFERING
FOR THE OTHER DAY.
390
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:12,445
WOW.
391
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,814
WOW, A SAW BLADE.
392
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,283
EASIEST WAY
TO A WOMAN'S HEART.
393
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,952
AND THE REST
OF HER VITAL ORGANS.
394
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,488
HEY, YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING
A SPIN CLASS WITH ME LATER?
395
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,223
OH, I'D LOVE TO,
BUT I CAN'T.
396
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,424
MIKE AND I
HAVE A PROJECT.
397
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:25,758
OH, THAT REMINDS ME,
398
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,560
I NEED TO BORROW
YOUR 3/4-INCH SPADE BIT.
399
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,229
UH, I HAVE ONE
IN THE WORKBENCH.
400
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,730
IT'S SIT--
I CAN GET IT.
401
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,599
WELL, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
402
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,934
SHE HAS A TANKLESS
WATER HEATER. I TOLD HER
I'D HELP HER PUT IT IN.
403
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:37,237
IT'S A "TANKLESS" JOB,
BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.
404
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,006
[ CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ]
405
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,640
THAT'S...JUST...
406
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,242
THAT'S A FUNNY, CLASSIC WAY
TO PUT THAT, YOU KNOW?
407
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,310
[ CHUCKLES ]
408
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,579
What is going on
with you, huh?
409
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,148
UH, LIS-LISTEN.
"TANKLESS JOB"?
410
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:49,916
BUT IF I MADE THAT JOKE,
YOU WOULD'VE SENT ME TO MY ROOM
411
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,851
AND TOLD ME TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT I'D DONE.
412
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:53,420
LISTEN, I GOT TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT ABOUT HELEN.
413
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,588
NO, HONEY, I-I KNOW I ASKED YOU
TO BE FRIENDLY, BUT --
414
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,823
BUT YOU'RE NOT
THIS FRIENDLY WITH ANYONE,
415
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,525
NOT EVEN
THE OMAHA STEAKS GUY.
416
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,160
VANESSA, PLEASE,
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
NO, NO, NO.
417
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,361
YOU LISTEN.
YOU LISTEN.
418
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,829
I-I DON'T WANT
TO SOUND PETTY, BUT --
419
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,597
YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO.
[ SIGHS ] THIS IS WEIRD.
420
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,533
IT'S LIKE YOU WENT OUT OF YOUR
WAY TO STEAL MY NEW FRIEND.
421
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,868
I MEAN, THAT IS THE ONLY
POSSIBLE REASON I CAN THINK OF
422
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,203
FOR YOU
BEING NICE TO HER.
423
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,538
HER HUSBAND DIED.
424
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,573
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OR THAT REASON.
425
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,643
WOW.
426
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,179
I MEAN,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED?
427
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,314
LIKE, HE LEFT HER.
428
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,882
WELL,
HE LEFT EVERYBODY.
429
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,484
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
HAVE A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.
430
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:28,955
LISTEN, HE DIED
ABOUT SIX OR EIGHT MONTHS AGO.
431
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,623
SHE NEVER TOLD ME,
UH...
432
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,192
I DON'T THINK
SHE KNOWS I KNOW.
433
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,826
THE GUY AT THE HARDWARE STORE
TOLD ME ABOUT IT,
434
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,495
WHICH I FELT
VERY EMBARRASSED
435
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,897
'CAUSE I HAD JUST ASKED HIM
TO PAGE PAT MaGROIN.
436
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,532
I MEAN,
WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME?
437
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,568
IF YOU DIED,
I WOULD'VE TOLD EVERYONE.
438
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,770
LET'S NOT GET
THAT PARTY STARTED YET, OKAY?
439
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,973
A LOT OF PEOPLE GRIEVE
IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
YEAH.
440
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,508
MAYBE SHE DOESN'T WANT
PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR HER
441
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,876
BECAUSE HER HUSBAND
HAD DIED.
442
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,179
OH, YEAH, BUT NOW I DO
FEEL SORRY FOR HER.
443
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,080
DON'T.
444
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:55,882
UGH.
445
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,418
THIS IS WHY
I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.
446
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,886
I JUST GOT SO SICK
447
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,622
OF SEEING THAT PITYING LOOK
ON PEOPLE'S FACES.
448
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,592
YEAH. THAT ONE.
449
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,161
[ SIGHS ]
HELEN, I AM SO SORRY.
450
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,063
I'M SO SORRY
A-ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND,
451
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,998
ABOUT MY FACE --
ALL OF IT.
452
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,434
DON'T BE.
HE WAS A GREAT GUY.
453
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,669
I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE
THE TIME THAT I HAD WITH HIM.
454
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,438
THE IDIOT THAT WRECKED
YOUR KITCHEN?
455
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,639
YEAH, WELL,
HE WAS AN IDIOT.
456
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,909
BUT HE WAS MY IDIOT.
457
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,545
JUST LIKE YOU'RE
VANESSA'S IDIOT.
458
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,080
AND...
459
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,615
SHE'S MY IDIOT.
460
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,683
[ LAUGHS ]
461
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,752
OH, WE USED TO, YOU KNOW,
BICKER BACK AND FORTH
462
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,121
LIKE YOU AND I
HAVE BEEN DOING, MIKE.
463
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:38,791
AND I...MISS IT.
464
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,294
OF COURSE,
HE WAS WAY MORE CLEVER.
465
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,396
WELL, HE...
466
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,233
PROBABLY HAD
BETTER WRITERS.
467
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,567
[ CHUCKLES ]
468
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,203
WELL, HE WAS
A LOT OF FUN.
469
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:52,605
YOU KNOW, JUST ASK ANYBODY
ON OUR STREET.
470
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,441
THE NIELSENS LOVED HIM.
471
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,611
HELEN, STOP ME IF THIS
MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE --
472
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,880
STOP.
473
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,250
YOU SEE?
THIS IS WHY YOU LIKE HER --
474
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,984
SHE'S INDEPENDENT,
SHE'S STRONG.
475
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,220
THAT'S WHY SHE PRETENDS
TO BE GOOD WITH TOOLS.
476
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:10,457
I CAN HANDLE A TOOL.
THAT'S WHY YOU AND I GET ALONG.
477
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,159
SERIOUSLY,
478
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:15,061
YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR RASP
FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND.
479
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,664
THANK YOU SO MUCH. MY HUSBAND
IS IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND.
480
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:18,998
OH, THAT'S --
481
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,467
KIDDING!
482
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,335
I HAD HIM CREMATED.
483
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,305
WE USED
THAT WAFFLE IRON.
484
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,910
HELEN, I THINK IT'S HEALTHY
THAT YOU'RE FINALLY ABLE TO --
485
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,480
STOP.
486
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,848
I'M GONNA HELP HER PUT
IN THAT WATER HEATER,
AND I'LL BE HOME.
487
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,618
ALL RIGHT, YEAH, 'CAUSE AFTER
ALL, IT IS A "TANKLESS" JOB.
488
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,057
MAYBE IT'S
THE DELIVERY.
489
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,438
WOW.
490
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,440
THERE ARE A LOT OF GUYS
HERE TONIGHT.
491
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,442
AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY
492
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,678
HAS BEEN VERY GOOD
FOR THE VFW BUSINESS.
493
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:08,715
SO, UH, WHICH GUYS
WERE IN VIETNAM?
494
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:13,286
WHITE HAIR AND HEARING AIDS
ARE YOUR KOREA VETS,
495
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,289
GRAY PONYTAILS AND BEARDS
ARE YOUR VIETNAM VETS,
496
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,826
METALLICA SHIRTS
ARE YOUR DESERT STORM GUYS,
497
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:23,830
AND, UM, THAT GUY OVER THERE
DRINKING A COSMOPOLITAN
498
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,566
WAS IN GRENADA.
499
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,067
WHAT ABOUT THOSE GUYS?
500
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,902
DO YOU THINK MOST OF THEM
SAW COMBAT?
501
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,638
YEAH,
BUT FOR SOME OF THEM,
502
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,307
THE REAL BATTLE IS GETTING
THROUGH ALL THE BUREAUCRACY
503
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:35,975
TO GET
THEIR V.A. BENEFITS.
504
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,377
OH, THAT SUCKS.
505
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,247
YEAH, IT DOES.
506
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,416
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE GOT A GUY HERE
WHO HELPS THEM OUT.
507
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,817
EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
508
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,086
HE WALKS VETS
THROUGH ALL THE PAPERWORK
509
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,989
AND MAKES SURE THEY GET
WHAT THEY WERE PROMISED.
510
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,824
BEEN DOING IT
FOR 30 YEARS.
511
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,860
THAT'S REALLY COOL.
512
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,762
YEAH, IT IS.
513
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:58,898
LISTEN, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
OVER THIS, ALL RIGHT, LARRY?
514
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,533
THEY ALWAYS
KICK THIS FORM BACK.
515
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,535
IT'S THE 21-526EZ.
516
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:05,638
IT'S THE HAMBURGER HILL
OF DISABILITY CLAIM FORMS.
517
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,441
MR. ALZATE?
518
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:09,709
YEAH, JUST ONE S--
519
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,778
WELL,
LOOK WHO IT IS.
520
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,447
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD MAYBE
INTERVIEW YOU AGAIN.
521
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,884
ME? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
YOUR REPORT TO BE ABOUT A HERO.
522
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,552
YES, I-I DO.
523
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,756
MM. ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I CAN'T DO IT RIGHT NOW.
524
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,458
I'M GONNA BE BUSY
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
525
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,727
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE BAR,
GET YOURSELF A SODA?
526
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,396
YOU WANT TO SEE
SOMETHING AWESOME,
527
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,763
HAVE POP
OPEN IT FOR YOU.
528
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:33,933
HEY, POP.
529
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,208
THAT WAS ROUGH.
530
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,643
WELL, AT LEAST
THE WORST PART'S OVER.
531
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,445
NOW JUST HOOK UP
THE ELECTRICITY AND THE WATER,
532
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,113
AND SOMEONE'S GOT TO GO
TURN THE GAS ON.
533
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:49,949
I WAS TALKING ABOUT
YOUR ENDLESS HUNTING STORY.
534
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,552
ARE YOU SURE THAT BEAR
DIDN'T DIE OF BOREDOM?
535
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,053
YEAH.
536
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,488
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GO
IN THE BASEMENT,
537
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,089
INTO THE CRAWL SPACE,
AND TURN THE GAS ON.
538
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,925
I WAS DOWN THERE, AND I'M --
I'M SURE I TURNED IT --
539
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,259
WAIT A MINUTE.
540
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,594
RIGHTY TIGHTY, RIGHT?
LEFTY LOOSEY.
541
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:03,129
YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF.
542
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:04,431
WELL, ANYWAY, GO DOWN THERE.
YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
543
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:06,399
JUST LIGHT A MATCH.
OOH.
544
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:10,102
GEE,
I JUST REMEMBERED.
545
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,639
I GOT TO MEET
ONE OF MY SONS FOR LUNCH.
546
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:16,843
OH, HEY.
547
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:17,944
MOM.
548
00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:20,847
I DON'T THINK
WE'VE MET.
549
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,450
RANDY.
RANDY.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
550
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:24,851
HEY, RANDY.
HOW YOU DOING?
YEAH, I'M RANDY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
551
00:21:24,884 --> 00:21:25,852
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]
552
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:26,853
CHECK YOU LATER.
553
00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,855
SEE YOU LATER.
40496
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